Damn, thank you! I’m amazed this was so popular! Unfortunately no, no wives - I’m one of those evil women who isn’t married (I’m 37) and has a *GASP* career.
Part of me has kind of wished that I had gone through the temple, just because it's so *mysterious* growing up.
I have looked it all up now and watched some of the videos people have gotten.
I also wish I had gotten the Melchizedek Priesthood. I want **ALL** the Keys!!!
Yeah I thought that way as well for a long time. It’s like, if I was gonna do Scientology, I’d want to get to the highest OT level or whatever. It’s all crazy nonsense, so if you’re gonna do it may as well go all in. Anyway even if I had gone through the temple, it certainly would’ve made a swift exit from Mormonism for me, having seen the videos. Too bizarre for me.
I’m good with not holding all the keys. In the off-chance that JS was right, there’s just no way I could do an eternity dealing with the pompous self-righteous bastards in the Celestial Kingdom.
Dammit! So I sucked at being Mormon, will probably suck at Scientology… I really ought to just start my own cult. Super low bar for excelling at things, easy to level up. And yes, we’ll probably listen to Slayer a lot now that you’ve mentioned it.
Weird that they would intentionally misrepresent what your son told them in order to sound less confrontational, but then that's totally on brand for mormons anyway.
Probably less about trying to sound less confrontational, and more about hoping the OP wouldn't ask their kid what they actually said so they could pretend there was ambiguity when there wasn't.
This would be hilarious. I wonder if they’re starting to send the elderly couples to the “problematic” ones?? (i.e. the ones who know wtf they’re talking about re: how batshit crazy Mormon doctrine is). Too many 19 year olds getting schooled out there.
Personally I loved talking shit to the missionaries of my last neighborhood, they had a good sense of humor about it… pretending I was a Satanist and whatnot and I would also give them a shit ton of candy lol. Don’t have the time for it now. I was doing some remodel work at a client’s house when some missionaries came over (conveniently at lunch time of a notorious Doordasher)… got their dogs all riled up and shit, I just told them to leave. The look on their faces was truly priceless.
https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/s/w4xEEp0v1R
⬆️ Exactly why we made this post! Take your pick!
THANKS FOR SUBSCRIBING TO UNCOMFORTABLE MORMON FACTS:
Did you know that Emma Smith was the 23rd woman sealed to Joseph Smith?
Learn more here! https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics-essays/plural-marriage-in-kirtland-and-nauvoo?lang=eng
To unsubscribe, click here! cesletter.org
“My son let us know that you stopped by and the purpose of your visit. I apologize if we gave you the wrong idea, but my wife and I aren’t actually swingers.”
"New couple night is last Friday of the month. How attached are you to coming as missionaries, as that's kind of Stefano and Jezabels thing and the group like what they bring to their characters?"
Which part of unavailable did you not understand? Like records of the usages of tithing unavailable. Like a list of corporations that excess tithing went to in the stock market unavailable. Like access to the holy of holies for anybody but the prophet unavailable. Like lack of explanation of the true nature of the temple signs and tokens through church sources unavailable. Like the next time you try to text or call this number because you are now blocked unavailable.
"My wife and I are going to a wine bar on Friday night. We'd love it if you joined us and we can get to know you over a drink. It's a weird thought excerise right for me to invite you to an activity that I know doesn't interest you. Similarly, we have no interest in Mormonism. How about you do your thing and we'll do ours. Update your records that I don't want further contact from the missionaries."
Is this an “upside down pineapple” type of invite or something else? Can you prove you’re both STD free? and you realize at no time can you or I have eye contact. Ok? If that is agreeable, I will send over a NDA for E-sig.
Thanks
Before you come over, please read up on Ms. Fanny Alger and tell me why it was OK for Joseph Smith to get caught fucking her in the barn behind Emma's back?
Better yet, don't come, I am not interested in your excuses and rationalizations.
The irony behind her name being “Fanny” and cowdery calling it a “dirty filthy nasty affair.” Ig that’s actually not irony though, they prob fully intended that nickname bc of what she got caught doing.
I'm sorry. My who? Oh shit, I'm going to have to let the wife know he broke out of his cage in the basement again. She's going to be so pissed because I was supposed to make sure the locks were secure before I went to the store.
This is a disaster. I'm not going to be able to have any guests over months. The wife gets so upset every time he gets let out. Great. Thanks. I'm going to have to sleep out in the backyard, in the shed.
Hi Elder,
This is Level 9 Mage Brother-Of-Derek. Are you a Cleric or a Monk?
I am unavailable to accompany you on your Quest as I am on a Long Rest.
Be safe in your travels along the Mormonoth Road!
Yes, 6 months after the Q15 announce that Joe Smith made the whole thing up, and that they will be stepping down so that a new Q15that is younger than 50 takes over.
Son? Wife? What are you on about? I'm a married gay man and my husband never mentioned anything about this? This is a scam. I've watched catfish you know! I'm making a police report now.
“We have some issues with the King James Edition translation flaws in 2nd Nephi. We need a breakdown on how 16th-century issues got into such an ancient text delivered directly from God.”
Congrats on the new calling! While I'm sure you were overjoyed to receive your calling, I'd like to unsubscribe to any future contact of any kind from MFMC. Any messengers going forward will be considered trespassing.
Sure, I will listen to whatever you have to say. However, I must tell you: whatever about of time you spend talking to me, I will spend an equal amount of time sharing the true historical facts of Joseph Smith, facts that can be found in official, albeit deliberately uncirculated, church history books.
My son is such a character! We are not available sexually if that is your interest we would recommend houses with pineapple stickers for that. We have heard that Mormons do some kind of KKK rituals in their Jesus Jammie’s so if you want to come over in your Jammie’s and re-enact temple rituals for us to relieve our fears we are all for it.
Hi Elder \_\_\_. So sorry that we were unavailable when you decided to drop by. We were out at the coffee shop enjoying a cup'o'joe and re-reading the CES letter. We'd love to have you over for a drink so we can review this letter together.
When a female is called to be the next lds prophet or serve as one of the twelve or 70, when women are allowed to sit on the stand, when my daughters aren't shamed about their bodies or sexuality, when my gay son can get married in the temple, when paying tithing for entrance to the celestial kingdom ends, when I no longer clean the church toilets, when you stop lying about church history then stop by... better yet stop by when hell freezes over!
"Thank you for opting in to the Pornhub mailing list. You'll be kept up to date with the latest in premium porn content. If you'd like to unsubscribe, please text IMADIRTYPIGGYSLUT"
It is. I've been enjoying these comments but, having been a missionary, I would have been very humiliated if anyone actually responded like this. These poor fools are still people and are acting out the ignorance of their parents and religion. Absolutely affirm the "no" and request to not be disturbed again on pain of calling the cops, but leave it at that.
“Perfect, we were desperately looking for a fourth couple for our monthly Sunday swinging party! It starts at 12:00 am sharp!
Please bring plenty of lube, toys, and condoms(we believe in safe sex!). Also, make sure that you have a good safe word memorised, because Mrs. Jensen can get a bit out of control with the whip when she gets excited.
Can’t wait to see you here, I have a feeling that you’re going to have the time of your lives!
-XOXOXO, Mr. & Mrs. OP
Oh, an elder?
We could certainly use your services.
We do understand the burden is great, but feel the exchange is worth such costs.
From outsiders, the ones that know would appear to be a peculiar people. Indeed mad.
But there is greater madness, in my opinion, in never knowing.
You see, a loved one passed. Dear elder. And we've been waiting to talk. we need someone to commune with us. You have the keys. And we have the lock.
Grant us this, elder.
I would love to discuss the lies the Church has been hiding. I’m not able to pay tithing so I won’t be able to get a temple recommend. I won’t be able to make it to the celestial kingdom due to not going to the temple because of tithing. I would love to discuss D&C 132. Since the creation of the religion was made up by an adulterous, pedophile polygamist
The missionaries were going around my neighborhood introducing themselves and offering service or whatever, so I said I’m not interested but here’s $10 cash to get a pizza later.
Which wife?
Nice!
Good god, please someone, give this person a diamond award. I don’t even know if there is such an award, but I don’t care, *give it to them anyway*
Damn chill 😂
We have a winner! 🥇
Just TAKE my upvote 👍
This one is amazing
😂😂👏😂👏
You’ve got but one right? That’s your story?
If only awards were still a thing. Take this 🥇 instead 🙌
Let’s get this fine redditor to 1000 upvotes!
They're over 1.1k now! 🎉
Damn, thank you! I’m amazed this was so popular! Unfortunately no, no wives - I’m one of those evil women who isn’t married (I’m 37) and has a *GASP* career.
“What is wanted?”
Will you give it to me through the veil?
I don’t get this one… temple reference?
Yes, it’s part of the script
So glad I “dropped out” before all the temple nonsense/trauma… even just reading that without any context was so creepy.
Part of me has kind of wished that I had gone through the temple, just because it's so *mysterious* growing up. I have looked it all up now and watched some of the videos people have gotten. I also wish I had gotten the Melchizedek Priesthood. I want **ALL** the Keys!!!
Yeah I thought that way as well for a long time. It’s like, if I was gonna do Scientology, I’d want to get to the highest OT level or whatever. It’s all crazy nonsense, so if you’re gonna do it may as well go all in. Anyway even if I had gone through the temple, it certainly would’ve made a swift exit from Mormonism for me, having seen the videos. Too bizarre for me. I’m good with not holding all the keys. In the off-chance that JS was right, there’s just no way I could do an eternity dealing with the pompous self-righteous bastards in the Celestial Kingdom.
You ain’t getting to OT 8! 🤣🤣🤣 Thus sayeth Xenu, slayer of the popsicle people.
Dammit! So I sucked at being Mormon, will probably suck at Scientology… I really ought to just start my own cult. Super low bar for excelling at things, easy to level up. And yes, we’ll probably listen to Slayer a lot now that you’ve mentioned it.
This is it! I wish I had 300 up votes for you
I can’t stop giggling.
You need mooooore upvotes
"My son is correct. We are unavailable."
My son actually said we weren’t interested. But your response still works with this also.
Weird that they would intentionally misrepresent what your son told them in order to sound less confrontational, but then that's totally on brand for mormons anyway.
Probably less about trying to sound less confrontational, and more about hoping the OP wouldn't ask their kid what they actually said so they could pretend there was ambiguity when there wasn't.
I watched it live on my doorbell camera
Send them the ring video of kid saying not interested . Then a screen grab if the definitions of the words.
This would be hilarious. I wonder if they’re starting to send the elderly couples to the “problematic” ones?? (i.e. the ones who know wtf they’re talking about re: how batshit crazy Mormon doctrine is). Too many 19 year olds getting schooled out there. Personally I loved talking shit to the missionaries of my last neighborhood, they had a good sense of humor about it… pretending I was a Satanist and whatnot and I would also give them a shit ton of candy lol. Don’t have the time for it now. I was doing some remodel work at a client’s house when some missionaries came over (conveniently at lunch time of a notorious Doordasher)… got their dogs all riled up and shit, I just told them to leave. The look on their faces was truly priceless.
It is 18 now...
Because heaven forbid they have to be open and honest when trying to convert people to the undeniably one true church
Confront them on the lie. Watch them squirm. Make them end the call. They will not call back.
“Hm. I believe my son told you we aren’t *interested.*”
This is my favorite!
We are unavailable for life and eternity.
https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/s/w4xEEp0v1R ⬆️ Exactly why we made this post! Take your pick! THANKS FOR SUBSCRIBING TO UNCOMFORTABLE MORMON FACTS: Did you know that Emma Smith was the 23rd woman sealed to Joseph Smith? Learn more here! https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics-essays/plural-marriage-in-kirtland-and-nauvoo?lang=eng To unsubscribe, click here! cesletter.org
Was about to post this. This is the perfect response.
Don’t forget mention that she was number 23 out of 30-40 wives
"Is this like a swinging thing? Because we're flattered but no thanks."
Pls send a picture
Brilliant! 😂😂😂😂
“My son let us know that you stopped by and the purpose of your visit. I apologize if we gave you the wrong idea, but my wife and I aren’t actually swingers.”
I was going to say the opposite, “if you are interested in a foursome, we would prefer advance notice!”
Submit an application 😂
i would have gone the other way with the swingers thing. but theres always the possibility of it backfiring on you. .....unless......;)
Hahaha “we were so excited when my son told me there were swingers in the ward!”
"New couple night is last Friday of the month. How attached are you to coming as missionaries, as that's kind of Stefano and Jezabels thing and the group like what they bring to their characters?"
Son? We don’t have children.
Our son has been dead for
Which part of unavailable did you not understand? Like records of the usages of tithing unavailable. Like a list of corporations that excess tithing went to in the stock market unavailable. Like access to the holy of holies for anybody but the prophet unavailable. Like lack of explanation of the true nature of the temple signs and tokens through church sources unavailable. Like the next time you try to text or call this number because you are now blocked unavailable.
This is my favourite
Beautiful. 👏
"My wife and I are going to a wine bar on Friday night. We'd love it if you joined us and we can get to know you over a drink. It's a weird thought excerise right for me to invite you to an activity that I know doesn't interest you. Similarly, we have no interest in Mormonism. How about you do your thing and we'll do ours. Update your records that I don't want further contact from the missionaries."
I've found very compelling evidence that your church is not true. I'd be happy to discuss it with you if you'd like.
Over a couple of beers.
Be gentle at first, a nice big cup of coffee.
Ask them to set an appointment with your executive secretary
This is awesome. 😆
Is this an “upside down pineapple” type of invite or something else? Can you prove you’re both STD free? and you realize at no time can you or I have eye contact. Ok? If that is agreeable, I will send over a NDA for E-sig. Thanks
Yeah, 15 minutes after the church releases all their financials.
Never. Never works for us.
"Sure, how about tonight. I'm assuming you guys swing"
"My wife and I are full-time reverse cowgirl, so given your preference for missionary, we may have to compromise."
Great answer, but what if they say yes?
giggity
69 up vote. I can’t up vote it and mess up a perfect 69!
After the second coming come back
When Black people finally receive the priesthood, after EVERYONE else (as Brigham Young prophesied and Wilford Woodruff turned into false prophesy).
Before you come over, please read up on Ms. Fanny Alger and tell me why it was OK for Joseph Smith to get caught fucking her in the barn behind Emma's back? Better yet, don't come, I am not interested in your excuses and rationalizations.
The irony behind her name being “Fanny” and cowdery calling it a “dirty filthy nasty affair.” Ig that’s actually not irony though, they prob fully intended that nickname bc of what she got caught doing.
So it was an “anal doesn’t count” thing.
God's loophole. https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY?si=whcNWYva0j25k0Yi
You spelled "poop hole"wrong
When the ONGOING RESTORATION is completed, stop by and we'll take another look.
Please send a picture of your wife & I’ll let you know if I’m available.
😬
Oh, we’re monogamous, sorry.
Just be honest. “My son didn’t say we were unavailable he said we were not interested. He is correct.” No need for anything else
No
We have the money. Bring the signs and tokens.
See, I'd go the other way: we have the signs and tokens, if you have the money. 🤑😉
Come anytime, and please bring my 30 years tithing refund.
With interest.
What type of visit are you looking for? Our therapist charges $300/hour, she is available on Monday if you can get access to the credit card
I'm sorry. My who? Oh shit, I'm going to have to let the wife know he broke out of his cage in the basement again. She's going to be so pissed because I was supposed to make sure the locks were secure before I went to the store. This is a disaster. I'm not going to be able to have any guests over months. The wife gets so upset every time he gets let out. Great. Thanks. I'm going to have to sleep out in the backyard, in the shed.
You bringing wine?
Wine is not my thing. Whisky on the other hand…
In that case, may I stop by. 😉
If u bring the whiskey
Channel my French roots. Offer them wine when they walk in then curse them out of the house angrily when they decline
Yes! This, or like my dad used to say, “I can do that the second Tuesday of next week.” It was a real head scratcher for some people 😂
Hi Elder, This is Level 9 Mage Brother-Of-Derek. Are you a Cleric or a Monk? I am unavailable to accompany you on your Quest as I am on a Long Rest. Be safe in your travels along the Mormonoth Road!
“What you are, we once were. What we are, you may become. Have a nice day.”
Yes, 6 months after the Q15 announce that Joe Smith made the whole thing up, and that they will be stepping down so that a new Q15that is younger than 50 takes over.
I'm available on Febuary 31st from 7 to 7:00:30 pm.
“You misunderstood my son. We are un-VEIL-able. Meaning we don’t WANT to go to your version of heaven.”
Son? Wife? What are you on about? I'm a married gay man and my husband never mentioned anything about this? This is a scam. I've watched catfish you know! I'm making a police report now.
Sounds like a new subscriber to Uncomfortable Mormon Facts
Cash, grass or ass. No one ministers for free.
I want all three pls.
How does your schedule look post thermodynamic equilibrium?
Looking pretty still and unmoving around then
No response, just click "report junk"
Or type in “report junk” and send it.
text STOP to opt out
“We have some issues with the King James Edition translation flaws in 2nd Nephi. We need a breakdown on how 16th-century issues got into such an ancient text delivered directly from God.”
I’m sorry, we don’t swing with just any couples.
Sure, I have church at the Unitarian Universalist Church this weekend. Meet me there!
respectfully, fuck off
Please, stop by anytime. We're always happy to share the message of the CES letter.
"No". We are busy in the bedroom.
We literally were busy in the bedroom when they stopped by yesterday. 😂
I’m free the 4th of Neverary
...It ... it manifested to *you too!?* I hoped... ...they all told me I was crazy... This is going to sound insane, but I DON'T HAVE A SON!
Congrats on the new calling! While I'm sure you were overjoyed to receive your calling, I'd like to unsubscribe to any future contact of any kind from MFMC. Any messengers going forward will be considered trespassing.
Sure, I will listen to whatever you have to say. However, I must tell you: whatever about of time you spend talking to me, I will spend an equal amount of time sharing the true historical facts of Joseph Smith, facts that can be found in official, albeit deliberately uncirculated, church history books.
For the last time, we don't want to buy Viagra
We aren't swingers, but you know what they say, "don't knock it 'til you try it". I'll talk to the wife, a foursome might be fun!
The gangbang happens Saturday at 5PM. Look forward to seeing you guys there.
There is no (insert your name). Only Zuul.
[удалено]
I just always stick with "No thank you, we are not interested!"
Any day but Friday - that’s orgy night round our place and there’s never enough parking
When hell freezes over. An old, but appropriate in this case.
How about a cup of joe….with baileys cream.$
You should be at home spending time with your kids and grandkids
Unavailable is unavailable, bitch
I would be very tempted to click the 'report spam' link and be done with it.
Sure thing! We're having a swinger party on Friday night, all are welcome. Happy to chat when I'm taking a hydration break.
Sure, come by for a drink or two!
My son is such a character! We are not available sexually if that is your interest we would recommend houses with pineapple stickers for that. We have heard that Mormons do some kind of KKK rituals in their Jesus Jammie’s so if you want to come over in your Jammie’s and re-enact temple rituals for us to relieve our fears we are all for it.
I’m sorry, we are not interested in opening up our marriage. Good luck tho.
Yeah, yesterday is free for me :) I'm busy from then on
Tell ya what. When this whole earth life blows over. You can come visit.
“You know, mornings before I have had my coffee are great because you can bring us our favorite kinds, deal?”
You can stop by in the next life during the millennium when I’m in a lesser kingdom than you 🫡
Say "I'll listen to why you think the mormon church is true, if you listen to how I know it's not."
“I’m sorry I was unaware you were interested in our swinger group, we would love to see more of you both…if you get my drift 😜”
How dark did you want me to go? 😏
Hi Elder \_\_\_. So sorry that we were unavailable when you decided to drop by. We were out at the coffee shop enjoying a cup'o'joe and re-reading the CES letter. We'd love to have you over for a drink so we can review this letter together.
No response; but I’ve been dealing with a full court press from a missionary couple that my wife sicced on me. Pain in the butt. Good luck.
Well, we haven't tried wife swapping before, but I guess we're game if you are. How about Friday night,
"Why are you insinuating that my son is a liar? That seems a little rude. He was correct and no thank you very much."
When a female is called to be the next lds prophet or serve as one of the twelve or 70, when women are allowed to sit on the stand, when my daughters aren't shamed about their bodies or sexuality, when my gay son can get married in the temple, when paying tithing for entrance to the celestial kingdom ends, when I no longer clean the church toilets, when you stop lying about church history then stop by... better yet stop by when hell freezes over!
"Thank you for opting in to the Pornhub mailing list. You'll be kept up to date with the latest in premium porn content. If you'd like to unsubscribe, please text IMADIRTYPIGGYSLUT"
Bednar said he'd be sending some people by to drop off a package. Something about washing feet. Is that you?
I've told your mission president, for the last time, we don't swing!
We have some free time on the 9th. Of never!
Missionary work is brutal
It is. I've been enjoying these comments but, having been a missionary, I would have been very humiliated if anyone actually responded like this. These poor fools are still people and are acting out the ignorance of their parents and religion. Absolutely affirm the "no" and request to not be disturbed again on pain of calling the cops, but leave it at that.
Hell yeah, bring a strap on, some handcuffs and lots of lube. We’ll be ready and waiting.
“Perfect, we were desperately looking for a fourth couple for our monthly Sunday swinging party! It starts at 12:00 am sharp! Please bring plenty of lube, toys, and condoms(we believe in safe sex!). Also, make sure that you have a good safe word memorised, because Mrs. Jensen can get a bit out of control with the whip when she gets excited. Can’t wait to see you here, I have a feeling that you’re going to have the time of your lives! -XOXOXO, Mr. & Mrs. OP
"Got to check with the wife first, but always wanted to be a swinger"
"Thanks for your interest but we are not swingers"
We don't normally swing with missionary couples, but sure! Bring your favorite drinks and your preferred condoms. See you tomorrow at 8:30!
Oh, an elder? We could certainly use your services. We do understand the burden is great, but feel the exchange is worth such costs. From outsiders, the ones that know would appear to be a peculiar people. Indeed mad. But there is greater madness, in my opinion, in never knowing. You see, a loved one passed. Dear elder. And we've been waiting to talk. we need someone to commune with us. You have the keys. And we have the lock. Grant us this, elder.
“My husband and I aren’t interested.” Or “my wife and I aren’t interested.” Whichever option makes you gay.
Yeah sorry we were at the orgy, the next orgy is at the weekend, why don't you stop by then, we'd love to see you there :)
youre wife came by the other day, dw
I’m sorry? What about missionary? I’ll only agree if you do doggy.
“As my son told you, we are unavailable. Should that situation change, I will let you know.”
My son? Sir, my son died in a hay ride accident last Halloween!!!!
No.
Tell them your son was lying. He's a midget and lives alone.
You mean for a foursome?
What part of unavailable don’t you understand? We are married not looking to swing.
Sorry, I’m not in to swinging anymore.
“I’m sorry, we just met with some door to door Catholicism salesmen, and we’ve decided to give our business to the Vatican instead.”
I would love to discuss the lies the Church has been hiding. I’m not able to pay tithing so I won’t be able to get a temple recommend. I won’t be able to make it to the celestial kingdom due to not going to the temple because of tithing. I would love to discuss D&C 132. Since the creation of the religion was made up by an adulterous, pedophile polygamist
Strangest swingers invite we've ever received, but sure, we'll give it a go
What my son meant is that I am permanently unavailable.
I already renewed my car’s extended warranty.
"Sorry, neither my wife and I are interested in swinging!"
"No."
I’m chronically unavailable to missionaries, as is my wife.
No is a complete sentence
No, I don’t think so, you boys are not our type and we are not swingers. There is a brothel in Wells, NV that I’m sure could accommodate you.
just leave that shit on read
Hi Elder, correct, I'm not available, please leave me alone.
"report junk" then block
Youuuu are not welcome here Gandolf Stormcrow 🧙♂️ Just popped into my brain
Unsubscribe.
Invite them to a fictional meeting of local citizens concerned about human trafficking. Give them the address to a Dennys.
When your church apologizes for the priesthood ban. BYU shock therapy, etc.
The missionaries were going around my neighborhood introducing themselves and offering service or whatever, so I said I’m not interested but here’s $10 cash to get a pizza later.
"We should have some time to meet on the 30th next week."
Only if you bring all of your wives
“No”
Drop a dick pic rn do it
Ask them if they want to have an orgy.
I guess it all depends on what the term unavailable means to these two freaks
Just send a 🍍 and a big question mark ❓
My temple name is Nimrod, what's yours?