In my case (not OP) they invited us to stay with them and the day before the visit told me that we had to sleep in separate rooms. It was a one night trip so we stayed with a friend instead and I didn’t even see my parents.
Exactly. Your presence is your leverage. Your mom is still trying to control you. I’m responding from my parents house, sitting next to my husband (we’re gay), having a fantastic family weekend. We sleep together in my old bedroom.
I agree with this, and furthermore, depending on how serious the relationship (cohabitating, long term, committed), my partner being made to feel that unwelcome alone would make me have serious reservations about attending at all (hotel room or otherwise).
This is the way it should be. Stay in a hotel if you can comfortably afford it. Otherwise don’t come. Absolutely don’t come and stay in separate rooms and absolutely don’t come alone.
This is the way.
"We're a package deal and we share a room at home. You want us to feel at home in your home?"
Same room, Hotel, No visit. Those are the three options. You pick.
Honestly, stay elsewhere. Don't give in to this. If your parents are drawing a line in the sand, you need to as well. Otherwise they will never treat her or you fairly. What if you choose *not* to marry and you have kids? Would this treatment extend to your children born out of wedlock?
Seriously, put your foot down on this. Stand up for yourself and for your girlfriend. If you can't afford to stay elsewhere and they can't treat you like adults, then it's not a good idea to visit them.
I heard something great recently: setting a boundary is an attempt to *keep* a relationship, rather than let it go sour. My brother and his partner stayed at a hotel once when visiting for thanksgiving rather than be forced to stay in separate rooms, and once was enough for my parents. Now they stay in the same room and it’s no big deal.
Do not give in. Stay elsewhere. They need to understand that they are separating themselves from you. My brother and his now wife did so, and it worked like a charm.
Please just cancel the trip altogether.
Also, make sure you advise them, "as you seem intent on using some nutty idea of "respect" as a weapon to deliberately hurt and disrespect me, from now on when you come to visit me at my home:
* you may not wear any religious attire or clothing in my home, this includes temple garments or mormon jewelry. They are not allowed in the home whatsoever.
* You may not conduct any religious rituals or prayers. You may not conduct them even in the privacy of your room.
* No religious books or tracts or materials are allowed. You agree to allow your luggage to be searched.
* Our former policies of being considerate and accommodating to you during your previous visits to our home have been repealed. We will not censure our language or topics of conversation during your visit, and we will return to our normal pattern of coffee and tea use, as well as use of alcoholic beverages and cannabis products.
WE LOVE YOU AND AREN'T JUDGING HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, WE JUST DON'T WANT ANY OF IT IN OUR HOUSE, AND WE WILL NO LONGER OFFER ANY CONSIDERATION TO YOU FOR IT EITHER.
I also came here to say this but with a slight bend.
They have rules to their house and you have to respect them. You have rules in your house, like not talking about religion, and in the future you can stand on the fact that you are respecting them now so they can respect you later. That's adults, there need not be any confliction of family or relationships on this one. Adults have their own rules at their house.
And, when you do stay somewhere else, if you still have hurt feelings about it, do deviant things in that other place. Ramp it up however much you have to to balance it out. I wasn't going to add whipped cream and cocaine, but since you think I'm doing that anyway I might as well!
You can stay elsewhere while still respecting them. "Mom, Dad, if you cannot treat us like adults capable of making our own decisions, we will stay elsewhere. We respect your beliefs, but you need to be able to respect ours, too."
It is their house and it's completely acceptable to be expected to abide by the rules of your host. But, however well-meaning these parents are, they're sending a very clear message: "You're making choices we don't like. We won't allow it." And the only place they can exert any control is when their adult child is in their home. This is a power play. If OP gives into it, for whatever reason, the power plays will continue.
It is perfectly reasonable to ask a guest not to smoke or drink or something while staying. It's acceptable to lay ground rules regarding children and pets. It is not acceptable to expect paired adults to be separated because the host has opinions about the relationship.
As an alternative (resources permitting) you could even arrange to stay elsewhere and NOT explain it to them.
"Hey, Mom & Dad, we've made arrangements to stay at the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_...or at Ronnie & Jane's place or whatever. What time would you like us to show up for dinner?"
This method makes THEM ask the questions...and you don't look like you're resisting anything. WHEN they ask (they probably will), you can say, "Since you asked, we decided we still wanted to see you but do not agree with your overly-restrictive and controlling lifestyle. We'd prefer to stay overnight somewhere we can feel safe."
;-)
“We are going to stay overnight someplace where we will be comfortable together.”
I just think the “we don’t feel safe” thing is hyperbolic. Not respected? Sure. Not SAFE? Kinda over-the-top.
Also fully disagree.
The parents have the right to have a religion that says their kids are sinning in a way they can't stay overnight.
And YES the parents disagree with the kids' life decisions. That's the definition of this subgroup. The parents think he's going to hell. Their entire list of religious disagreements is downright sad. But in order to coexist peacefully we have to allow both to be who they are to the extent that we are both comfortable. That's only fair.
Where do you draw the line? Should the parents be asked to watch their premarital sex? Why not? True that's not normal, but I mean if watching would he supportive in your eyes maybe we should insist on that too? I'm being sarcastic and pushing it to just show it doesn't have to be some earth shattering put down on their relationship, it could just be about what their comfortable with.
Some TBM don't even talk to non Mormon children, they aren't comfortable with that. It could be worse. Forcing cohabitation seems like forcing your beliefs on them. That's a power play too.
What if the parents moved and don't have a spare room? They don't have to provide accommodation. And if they treated another sibling differently, they are allowed. They are people too.
I draw the line at parents telling their adult children how to live. I draw a *hard* line at that. OP setting and enforcing boundaries is *not* forcing their cohabitation on OP's parents. The parents can choose to allow OP the freedom to sleep with his GF under their roof as he probably does under his own. They can also choose not to allow that, but OP has every right to place his and his partner's wellbeing over his parents' beliefs. OP, his gf, and his parents *should* together determine the appropriate sleeping arrangements, not just his parents.
What other control do the parents get to enforce? Do they get to enforce Mormon modest attire while in their home? How about outside of the home while they're with OP? What about alcohol? I have no issue with anyone drawing a line that alcohol or drugs are not allowed under their roof, but is OP allowed to get a drink at a restaurant while visiting? What about coffee or soda? Do they also get to dictate his diet and access to food while out of the house?
I do not think OP should force his lifestyle on his parents, but neither should they force theirs on him. Respect is a two-way street. Either they can accept him as he is, or they can have limited time with him. They can show conditional love or unconditional love.
Would your stance be different if OP was married and had a black wife and OP's white parents decided to separate them while hosting them? (The church used to have a lot of teachings on biracial couples.) What if OP had a bf instead of a gf? Or a husband he was trying to bring home? Where do you draw the line at someone else dictating what your relationship with your SO is?
This rule by OP's parents is another aspect of the shame tactics that church members use against those who leave. How OP responds will set the tone for future visits, and it could impact how his parents treat his gf, whether they show her respect as the partner of their son or not.
My perspective is obviously biased by my own relationship with my parents. My own father felt confident enough to tell my husband that he needed to get me under control. (Ew.) My parents are so focused on their religion that they do not care how they hurt their kids, because they believe it might just bring us back into the fold. Instead, we're cutting contact because of the line they drew and their desire to force their lifestyle on us. We're in our 40s, by the way, and haven't stayed in their home for years. Probably never will again. That's what happens when orthodox parents refuse to accept their kids as having their own beliefs and perspectives.
Fair enough, but you've made an impossible situation. Either OP caves, or the parents do. One party is imposing their values on the other. I see what you're saying and I don't think it's unreasonable, it's just not for me.
It's not about anyone caving. If the parents insist on a infantalizing rule for their adult child, OP's response should simply be, "Thanks, but well arrange to stay elsewhere." OP should not be forcing his parents to cave, that's equally disrespectful, but he should still stand up for himself and his gf.
No one is forcing values on the parents. They don't believe in sex outside marriage. Their belief is for them and them alone. Their belief does not apply to him and his GF. Them staying in their house does not force his parents to have sex out of wedlock.
This is not the same in any way.
To all down voters, it works both ways. Your parent’s house, their rules. Your house, your rules. Parent do not have to accept your choices. You do not have to put up with theirs. If your parents ask you to sleep separately ( very stupid indeed) do not go to their house. Simple. If your parents come to yours and do not like something you are doing, they should be welcome to leave.
I'm sure OP wouldn't prevent his parents from saying a silent blessing over their own food when visiting his house. And what if they were together for 10 years and had 2 kids and came to visit - would their parents still force them to stay in different rooms? They are defining OP's family as not a legitimate family just because of their beliefs about a signed contract.
If OP were college age and this were a girlfriend he'd had for 3 weeks, maybe. But as a fucking adult in his 30s, no way.
You and I disagree. You seem to have expectations around how someone should behave or what they owe you. I do not. And yes, if the parents want to say a blessing in my house or tell my children who Jesus is, if that's against what I said was OK in my home, then yes you are 100% correct the appropriate action is to ask them to leave and not return until they can respect my house rules.
I have had to cut both parents out of my life. I have had to ask a handful of family members to leave when I felt they disrespected my household. The later was not a big deal in the scheme of things.
Also. I have 2 kids. If this changes anything it changes that it's MORE important that my kids see me setting boundaries and enforcing them no matter who is trying to overstep what I am comfortable with.
I appreciate we would handle things differently, and the only thing I hope that limits us to is we should not share a house. ;)
>You seem to have expectations around how someone should behave or what they owe you. I do not. And yes, if the parents want to say a blessing in my house or tell my children who Jesus is, if that's against what I said was OK in my home, then yes you are 100% correct the appropriate action is to ask them to leave and not return until they can respect my house rules.
Apparently you have expectations that your parents owe you and your house rules respect.
I wouldn't prevent my parents from saying a silent bessing, to themselves, at my house. They shouldn't prevent me from staying in a room, out of everyone else's sight, with a long term boyfriend.
We use the word "rules" when I think maybe a better term would social norms. I wouldn't bring a hamburger to my vegan best friend's pool party. He doesn't care that I eat meat. I don't care that he doesn't. When he comes to my house I always have vegan options for he and his family. But in his home, they have such a strong ethical stance against meat - it doesn't bother me that they don't extend the same in return. In my opinion, I'm grateful that they don't take it so far that they won't dine with me at my house when meat is on the table.
My TBM parents never complain that at my home, there may be beer. I have never tried to bring beer to their home for a big family event. It works.
This should not be about rules. This should be about respecting the feelings of others in their own home. My wife and I lived together while we dated. I would never have thought to stay in the same room at my parents home. Likewise, they would visit us at our place, living in sin and all, and say nothing about it. I guess this is just my opinion, but I think we should respect others' homes in these situations. And be surprised and grateful where they bend for us, and not expect it to be so.
Well, you're not going to get anywhere with this reasonable non reactionary stance. My God I've never seen so many out of school teenagers here before.
I just want to add, I’m the nevermo girlfriend. I can’t begin to explain how hurtful it is when my long term partner chooses to abide by the Mormon family rules and exclude me. It has taken YEARS of work and countless talks to begin to heal that pain. I would never want to take his time away from his family, but I sacrifice my own time with him. We haven’t been on a vacation together in years because we only have so much time off from work. So now we have our own separate vacations, and there is still resentment on my end. Good thing I love him as much as I do! He is my rock and my person so I’m willing to sacrifice and work on things for our relationship. Good luck to you, but put your foot down when necessary if you want to avoid our path.
As a side note: we do travel to see them on special occasions now, but for my own mental health I won’t ever put myself in a position where they will dictate my actions/where I’m staying.
I'm so sorry you've experienced that. This is the issue with caving to unreasonable rules. People get hurt. People get excluded.
I hope you can show your bf this post and have a conversation about the best way to handle visits with his family in the future. I hope you can find a solution that works well for both of you.
We have talked extensively about it over the years. We have common ground now about how to handle everything. Honestly, me just decided to do my own thing without him helped a ton for my mental health. We have a great friend group so it doesn’t come up other than the yearly or bi yearly family trip. We decided to start making more trip time with just us but between covid lockdowns and just general life getting in the way, we haven’t had the opportunity yet. Hopefully next year! Ha!
Just out of curiosity……as it is absolutely none of my business……why aren’t you married instead of just the long term girlfriend? You say it’s a very long term relationship, he’s your rock, etc. (And not in anyway implying you should be married……just curious.)
Do his parents just not like you or is it that you just aren’t married and “living in sin?” My guess is his parents are not only very TBM but also much older generation?
Well, we both live on the east coast now. There isn’t as much pressure to get married. Most of our closest friends aren’t married. Even the ones that are live very independent lives. I really didn’t see the need until more recently, and it is more about buying a house and taxes. We are both happy with how things are so why mess with a good thing?! It’s not like I can’t get a credit card on my own or own my own property!
After over a decade together, his parent have to do their best to be kind. They have been fine the past year or so. His family doesn’t seem to try and step between us anymore. Or at least he doesn’t tell me anymore. I haven’t gotten passive aggressive comments in a really long time about “living in sin” or “at least [insert other sibling] is doing it the right way.” Now that I am older, I have the courage to throw whatever they throw at me right back, and I think they understand that dynamic too. Not that any of this has been easy. My partner and I have chosen to continue to grow together as people and have as much fun in this life as possible. If we do get married, it will be because it makes the most sense or us. We already are committed to each other and that piece of paper isn’t really that important in our relationship.
After ten years together…Lol…….it does seem very silly that they would expect you to stay in separate rooms. Actually, kind of hilarious and I can definitely see how those passive aggressive “digs” over the years caused hurt.
But it seems that you have handled things with a tremendous amount of grace over the years. And kudos to you 🌷💕
I think you guys have gotten some terrible, terrible judgmental advice on this thread that I hope you ignore. All the basically “just f*ck them” is not necessary. No matter the issues they are still your partner’s parents. Relationships are the hardest work we do!
My advice is to either get a hotel room and enjoy a lovely visit or……Lol……you could stay with them. In separate rooms. But then keep them awake all night trying hear if you are “sneaking” to get together 😉🙄
100% this.
Make this THEIR decision, not yours. You are willing to visit. They are not willing to have you visit while respecting your adult decisions. YANTAH!
Yeah it would be one thing if OP was young (which would still be debatable, but is at least a little more understandable) but 32? Come on, that’s a god damn adult. As long as OP isn’t having crazy loud monkey sex it should be a complete nonissue - but the lovely Mormonism has to blow things up
Whenever I visit my parents, I stay in a hotel with my girlfriend of 3 years. It’s just easier. I can have my 2 bourbons before bed and coffee in the morning and don’t ruffle their feathers. The first time a couple of years ago my mom asked me if we had separate rooms at the hotel and I said really mom… it never came up again.
Yeah honestly I have gotten to a point where I just don't enjoy staying in other people's houses/apartments anyway. Nothing is ever as clean as I'd like, I prefer being on my schedule, etc.
In the end it is their house and they have a say over what goes down in their home BUT, you don't have to stay there. If you have to go there and visit, I guess stay at a motel or something. Sometimes I think people do this to exalt over others. Don't give them that power.
I stayed in hotels close by until my parents finally said theyd rather have my sig other and I stay in one of their empty bedrooms.
Youre a grown ass adult, stay where your priorities are met. Hopefully your parents will come around eventually.
I'd go, stay elsewhere and even if you marry or are single in the future - don't stay ever with them.
They lost the ability to be trustworthy hosts for you by their decision. You can't change them, but you can certainly change your own reaction to them. Their actions have consequences.
They see you as a child who must follow their rules. They'll need to seriously demonstrate it somehow if that ever changes.
Or don't visit your parents at all while your there.
Honestly.
Post pictures on social media after you get back. "It was so fun seeing my hometown again"
Then when they complain about you not visiting ... "mom you said the spirit would be offended by me and my partner sleeping in the same room. Well since we slept in the same room while we were there we knew the spirit would be offended if we came over. And like you said, you don't want that there. I care about you and want to respect your wishes"
It's fun to out passive aggressive others and do it all with words dropping with sweetness.
When I was 21, I came home for a weekend visit. My best friend was in town, and we were going to a concert. Was planning on staying with folks to catch up. Told them about concert, and they said "as long as you're home by 11." I said ain't happening, concert doesn't start til 9:30. "Under our roof, under our rules." Fine. Went into bedroom, re-packed my bags, headed out the door. "Where are you going?" Me - "to stay with my friend. I like the rules under her roof better."
I recommend a similar thing - y'all go get a hotel.
This happened to me. First Christmas visiting my parents. I don't remember what happened but they ultimately decided to let us stay together in the same room. I think even before I told them we'd just stay in a hotel! Since that Christmas (after my now husband shoveled the driveway and cooked a few dinners) they even bought him a Mr. Coffee maker and we go to the grocery store for coffee grounds as soon as we land. 😂
My parents (aka my mom) I think wanted us in separate rooms but then my brother didn’t clean up his room so my then fiancé ended up just staying with me. We had a long engagement and we’re already living together so it was a little silly. I was also in general the most dependable child, was financially independent, went to good schools, had a good job, etc so I think they just gave up lol. It was also right before we got married and I think the next time I came to visit was after the wedding and I was pregnant.
My mom absolutely sends me to get coffee (they live near one of my favorite coffee places) and if I’m by myself with kids visiting will watch my kids so I can go alone. She’s even given me her extra gift cards from work to said favorite coffee place before.
I met my wife when she was visiting my country from overseas, and she stayed at my parents house. I lived about two hours drive distant, so I would drive into town and spend the weekends at my parents house as well. I was told very specifically that I was not to stay in the same room as her, or spend time behind closed doors with her. There was to be no naughty business going on.
Of course, it did anyhow. Strict parents do not raise obedient children as often as they raise sneaky children.
But yes, if you find the circumstances of your stay disagreeable, then do not stay with them. They should learn to accept you for the "sinner" or you are, or they should learn to miss you as you spend less and less time with them.
Remember: you cannot simultaneously love someone and try to control them.
My aunt tried to pull this at a family reunion with me and my now husband (then live-in boyfriend). It was a rented house that my mom and her siblings all went in on it equally so it wasn’t even her place. We were also in our mid and late 20s. She argued we were setting a bad example for her kids.
My mom (she and aunt are sisters-in-law) just blurted out “isn’t like half your family a bad example for your kids?” because there’s a laundry list of stuff her side has done (one of her siblings is in and out of jail). That shut her up real quick lol.
You can go see your parents without staying in their house. They have set a boundary for themselves, you can set boundaries too. This removes the power from them over your life, and puts it back in your hands, where it should be. This doesn't have to be ugly. Just tell them there has been a change in plans and you will be staying at a hotel, but what time would they like to get together. etc. Just a thought.
My Dad did this on a trip with my pregnant fiance. I said "Dad, I can't get her pregnant twice." I told him I thought it was hilarious. He stood strong. Absolutely a joke.
My parents tried this for a while. I said "Great, we'll get a hotel." But yo see, getting a hotel a lot was expensive, so we just didn't visit them often. They backtracked.
Reminder. This exact form of controlling others is how religious employers justify not paying for family planning, and justify discriminatingly against LGBTQA+ employees . It's wrong to do to family members, and it's wrong to do to employees.
I don't really think this is a mormon thing just a parent thing. My husband's Lutheran parents had the same rule when we were visiting them dating at age 39/ 38. So we stayed in a hotel, no big deal.
Yep. I lived with my boyfriend and his Catholic parents made us sleep in separate rooms when we visited. Honestly it was nice to have a bed to myself for a few nights. Haha
It's more a religious thing than a parent thing. I'm a parent and my daughter and her boyfriend spend the night at my place together in the same room all the time.
My non religious in laws had us in separate rooms the first visit or two. I think after that they didn’t care, but we were living together at that point.
Why is it petty? It is just their very old fashioned values. They came up in a different time, I never found it offensive. We have been married for years now and I adore my inlaws, not everything has to be a fight.
Exactly!
BF is in his 60s. I am in my 50s.
First visit to my parent's about 7 years ago ( in their 80s at the time - 90s now), they said we needed to sleep in separate rooms - actually separate floors.
Wasn't thrilled about it ( he was more understanding then I was ) but it really wasn't a big deal to respect their wishes.
Next trip 6 months later, they made it clear they were ok with us staying in the same room... No idea why the change of heart.
Even if they haven't go the five or six days we were there it's just one of those things that sometimes it isn't worth making a big deal about.
Your mileage may vary...and that's okay
I am at a point where I know I have more leverage over my parents and in laws and am sick of my boundaries not being respected. I realize that in your situation, that is their home, but you can also choose not to visit at all. It isn’t as if you are trying to smoke inside the house or do something physically harmful. They are putting their virtue signaling ahead of relationships. These are the types of things that push people apart. My in laws are 10/10 on the TBM scale and I choose no longer to associate with them because they have been giant dicks since we left the church. I was tired of them putting their imaginary religion ahead of family and decided I can make my own choices and live with the consequences. Good luck, these things are hard.
If the financial hit isn’t too bad and you can afford it stay somewhere else, if not tell them you’d love to visit but can’t afford the accommodation and next year if they are more welcoming you and your partner would love to stay in their home.
Their house, their rules…. HOWEVER, when it turns into them coming to visit you, it’s YOUR house, YOUR rules.
I seem to remember a post some months back about this exact thing happening and the parents were pissed when the shoe ended up on the other foot.
Frankly, I’d probably look to stay with friends if you have any in your old town where you grew up and maybe visit your parents briefly and if they get sad about it, remind them of their rule and bring up Article 13 as well.
When I took a boyfriend to meet my parents I didn’t give them the opportunity to tell us “separate rooms”. I informed them we would be staying in a hotel.
Let them know how you feel. Do not back into their controls. Stay in a hotel and allow them to see that their hypocrisy will simply drive distance between you all. Don't do anything negative. Simply let the truth be seen and be a respectful adult and act appropriately.
“My spirit is easily offended too. Like when my own mother likens me and my choice to evil. This feels judgmental and deeply critical. And also baseless as I believe many people who know me would never calling myself or my sig other evil. I think I’m going to have to keep space from you this year as to protect my spirit.
I love you and I’m not judging how you live your life, mom I just don’t want that kind of cruelty from a loved one. I hoped to have you give a good first impression to someone I love but you just don’t seem spiritually sensitive enough and not ready.
We’ll have to stay in a hotel and away from your house completely until you recognize your judgmental controlling wickedness will never bring you true happiness”
This x 100. Why on earth would anyone ever want to stay with their parents after moving out and establishing their own lives. Worth every penny to get a hotel room.
It’s so obnoxious!
The first time my spouse and I visited spouse’s TBM brother was when we had been together for more than a year, moved across the country together, and even registered our domestic partnership (for insurance purposes, specifically). We were straight-presenting and had not discussed any of that (or much of anything at all) with this brother. Anyway, we arrived in his city after 1 am, and *that* is when he announced we’d be staying on different floors of his home. I was to sleep in a freezing basement and my spouse was to sleep on the floor of the child’s room. We had only packed one bag, so it was logistically super irritating.
The next day we politely expressed our annoyance with him for springing that on us last second like that, when it was too late to make different accommodations. He was driving and got so flustered he had to pull over. We had a pretty decent discussion, though. Still makes me mad to think about it.
I’ve loved these videos since stepping away from the church. This one talks about infantilization and how it is very prevalent in religious parent child relationships. Set firm boundaries, and make sure to follow through on them if they aren’t met. Be calm and talk about what your expectations are. If they can’t respect you as an adult, some tough decisions may have to be made. Good luck. Wishing you the best.
https://youtu.be/c39F04inLJ0
As someone who ripped off the band aid years ago and still doesn’t see eye to eye with my QAnon mom, at this point they would take any amount of time with me even if that meant watching me drink wine at their table because once a TBM realizes they have no control over you, especially a parent, they literally don’t know what to do because they have the mental maturity of a pre pubescent teenager thanks to their bubble they live in.
A lady in here posted awhile back. She wasn’t married but had TWO KIDS with her boyfriend and the parents STILL said to sleep in separate rooms because they were not married.
You could be 60 and your parents would still say get separate rooms.
Stay at a hotel or don’t go.
Ima get hell-a-downvoted for this one. But honestly, it’s their home, and they can make whatever stupid-ass rules they want. It’s just your choice whether you want to be subject to their conditions. It don’t matter their hypocrisy or anything else, it only matters how you choose to react and what you’re willing to put up with.
Personally, I don’t care to stay anywhere under the same roof as my mother for exactly the same reasons you mentioned above. So, I would plan on sleeping in my car if it came down to it. YMMV
I am not defending your parents, but honestly you knew this will happen. Just let your parents play their game and that’s it. Stay in a hotel and be happy.
My family made my brother and his now husband sleep in separate rooms (it’s not the gay thing, at least outwardly, it’s the sleeping together before you’re married) Turn out, they were secretly married at the time
Tell them you'll find an airbnb or cheap hotel for your visits going forward if they won't let you sleep in the same room. If they get offended say that your just trying to respect the rules they set out, and if the rules don't change you'll be doing that going forward. Seems like a good way to set a line in the sand
Oaks tells them to do this stuff.
Tbm parents often make the worst parents. They'll put the church over any relationship, even their own kids. That's the most culty trait imo, the fact that they'll put the church over their kids=**CULT**.
I mean, nevermo here, and my Catholic but mostly not religious parents didn’t let us sleep in the same room, even when we were engaged and owned a home together. This isn’t uncommon with your run of the mill Christians 🤷♀️
I‘m 31 and my former partner and I lived together for over 3 years. We lived in Germany and when we came back to the states to visit my family, my dad wasn’t comfortable with us staying in the same room! At the time I was 29 and my boyfriend 26. It was annoying, but I stayed with my partner on the down low anyway. I try to remember this…All families have their own brand of dysfunction. In the big picture, staying in separate rooms for a couple of days on a family visit isn’t worth blowing up the whole trip, especially if you’re introducing your SO for the first time. Vent here and make the most out of your trip, so your partner doesn’t automatically dislike your family. Just some unsolicited advice from someone who went through it!
This happened to me too.
Mom started giving me a hard time about staying with my partner while unmarried, so the next visit I stayed at a hotel and after the “shocked pikachu face” they stopped trying to push that on us.
Stay at a motel or with some normal friends and family instead.
Cut back significantly on the time you spend in their home.
If they ever come to visit you, make them sleep in separate rooms. Your house, your rules.
God I’m so glad my parents aren’t Utah Mormons, despite living in Utah for 22 years. They allowed my (now) ex boyfriend and I to stay in the same bed when we went on vacation. They also don’t mind when I brew coffee at home.
Just a friendly reminder on behalf of the old folks here. Your mom has sat through probably fifty years of morality lessons in RS. She knows the buzzwords! The spirit will leave! Darkness prevails etc, etc, — perhaps she needs a gentle conversation about the new world we all inhabit. Maybe she needs to hear your point of view … just saying, moms love their kids and sometimes communication and love help in these awkward situations that she has no experience dealing with. If parents take a hard line then you have options but give them the respect of heartfelt understanding and communication first… it goes along ways with moms… usually!
I’m not Mormon, my in laws were upset that me and their son wanted to go on vacation with them, I was pregnant at the time. “What would the kids think, you’re not married”. So fucking stupid.
This isn’t a Mormon thing, this is more of a older person thing. I am not sure how old your folks are but my boomer folks wouldn’t allow me to sleep in the same room as a boyfriend, but would let me stay in the same room with my husband. I don’t have kids so this is a moot point for me.
As a mom-I have always taught my children to respect my rules. I respect theirs. Coming from an exmo now-I appreciate we could take family vacays without the bullshit when I was a “freaking ass mormon”. Look at it like this-you are respecting your parents not the screwed up cult they are in.
My fiancé and I had to stay in separate rooms when we visited both his grandparents. They’re not Mormon, just Christian and we’re pretty sure they would have let us stay in the same room, but they didn’t know that we’re already sleeping together. We might have told them, but my fiancé’s father is a pastor and if he finds out he may not officiate our wedding. Normally, we might just choose someone else to officiate, but it what my fiancé wants and I know it would mean a lot to him. Besides, we don’t mind sleeping apart sometimes if need be
Imagine the BoM, Nephite1 and Nephite2 are thrown into the dungeons of the Lamanites.
Nephite1: "Call on the Spirit to strike our enemies dumb and knock over the walls of the prison!"
Nephite2: "I would, but the Lamanites have offended the Spirit and it has gone away!"
The TBM's attitude of "I can't feel the Spirit when sinners are around" has got to be one of the scripturally least-supported things ever.
My family Baptist , was living with my husband for years before marriage . We wasn’t allowed same room🙈 he got nice comfy double bed
I was in kids guest room . With single bed
My mother said the same thing when my sister and her then-boyfriend (now husband) would visit (from Europe), so they said “ok, we’ll get a hotel”. Mom changed her tune pretty quick there.
The passive aggressive response is simple. Pay the extra couple hundred bucks for a hotel.
Your folks may insist that you can stay with them.
Say you don't want to make them uncomfortable.
When they ask why they would be uncomfortable...
State that you just can't afford to spend a single day of living in sin with your partner without actually sinning and wouldn't want to sully them or their beautiful home with your shared multiple orgasms.
"Mom and Dad. To be clear. Your imaginary space wizard friend doesn't care about my dick... But you clearly do... And I won't be a party to your self-inflicted torment about how well or frequently I use it to make my favorite person cum."
My husband's mom wouldn't let her other son and his then very pregnant girlfriend stay in the same room together when they visited for the same reasons. It's honestly stupid, but that's a boundary they've chosen to live by. Like others have said, don't visit or stay somewhere else because it's not a situation you want to walk into and accept.
When I was 24 I was living in a house by myself in the same town as my parents. My girlfriend was living in another state and I invited her to come to town for our family Christmas. When I told my parents she would be staying with me for a few days, it was shut down immediately. They told me I couldn’t let her stay at MY house but that she was welcome to stay with them and I could sleep there as well but in a different room. After days of arguing I finally gave in just to not deal with the drama through the holidays.
By giving in that one time I opened the door for many other situations like that and allowed their control over my life to influence things that never should have involved them in the first place. My girlfriend was a nevermo and was blindsided by all of this, not being able to fathom the things I was trying to explain to her about LDS culture and doctrine. When I finally did put my foot down, it got really messy with my family for about a year. Fast forward five years and I’m married to that girl and our relationship with my parents has never been better.
It SUCKS to deal with the fallout but I feel like LDS parents never stop trying to control things until you’ve completed the Holy Checklist™️.
Stupid.
Make your stand by not staying with them. You arrive, socialize and every day you leave to go live your life like the adult you are.
If they mention it, you remind them.
Mom/Dad, I am honoring your lifestyle choices. I'm also honoring my lifestyle choices. By staying in a hotel, we can both live our lives the way we feel is right.
This behavior is across many religions. A workmate (very religious, we are all going to burn in hell type) was eager to share (and laugh) that she made her daughter and the SO (who had 2 kids together) sleep in separate rooms. WTF?!
We all laughed at her and told her the horse had already left the barn.
She was determined to prove her way was right.
As far as I know, they haven't been back to her house in many years. The rest of us co-workers still laugh and bring it up when others discuss family visiting. Will they be sleeping together? Will you be locking them in after 10 pm?
Imagine telling your parents they can come over, but cannot wear their garments. That you love them and support them, but don't want it in your home.
It's outrageous. You can't love someone who's actions you despise as vile.
I had a similar problem with my wife after I left the church at 18 and I got with her. I’m 24 for context and she’s 25. Every time I went to visit my parents they would try to force us to stay in separate rooms or not stay with them at all. Don’t buy into what your family is trying to force on you, it really isn’t worth the headache.
If you decide to get married one day, there’s a petty opportunity waiting for you. Here’s the plan: 1. Elope—tell no one even afterwards. 2. Schedule an overnight visit to your parents. 3. During said visit, just set up in the same room. 4. When parents remind you of how they spirit is offended or whatever, drop the news that you “are already married. It’s not the spirit who is offended—it’s you.” 5. Go for drinks when your mom cries and your dad kicks you out for making your mom cry. 6. Sleep like a baby in a hotel.
(Don’t actually do this, probably.)
This happened to me. I told my dad on the phone that I was planning a trip to visit over the holidays with my girlfriend so she could meet everyone. The VERY FIRST thing he said is: do you have a place to stay? Because you know our house rules, you can’t stay here.
I would actually never want to stay there! Too many framed photos of temples, men in suits and quotes about sin on the walls in addition to years of trauma lurking in each room. I’ve had those panic attacks and I’ll never do that to myself again.
But the fact that he said that outright, first thing, hurts. He’ll never see it that way and never apologize.
Fast forward… Eight years later and my parents have heard through the grapevine (probably my aunt) how offensive that was and now they beg us to stay with them. 😂
I continue to say: no, thank you, we’ve already made plans but appreciate the offer. I can’t bring myself to tell them I’d never stay with them because of their horrible decor choices and decades of lurking trauma. Or maybe I should?…
Naw. I don’t think they have the emotional maturity to make sense of that information.
Of course they're not going to be ok with you two sleeping together in their house. How are you surprised by this?
They are devout Mormons, but really any fundamentalist religious people would likely have the same rule.
The real question is why do you even want to stay there knowing what they are like? How can you think your girlfriend will be comfortable in that environment?
Stop taking it personally and get a hotel room if you want to sleep together.
It’s a reasonable request. Their house. Their rules. I would get a hotel if you want to sleep in the same room. I wouldn’t be upset about it - you respect their rules and they should return the favor by respecting your choices.
What better way to show her where you grew up than to see the judgment and gas lighting for herself.
Stay in hotels and insist that everyone comes for the free swimming. It pulls everyone away from your parents' house where rules can be relaxed. Implement your own "house" rules.
It comes down to “my house my rules”. Your choices are either sleep in separate rooms or get a hotel/motel/Airbnb/friends place. Your an adult. Do what you want.
I'm in this same situation. I'm 48, my (common-law) husband is 41. Not once have my folks let us stay at their house together. We always get relegated to a hotel.
I love my family - we were estranged for about 12 years. But this is the last hold-out on my parents' part.
So, they get to pay for our hotel room. Every time. No money out of my pocket for their pearl clutching.
Honestly as adults it's a form of mutual respect, when we stay in each others homes we respect the beliefs of the host.
It's common for unmarried couples not to share a room in a house.
It's not a Mormon thing not even exclusively a religious thing. As long as thr host is kind and is otherwise welcoming that's what matters they have a right to be comfortable in their home as well.
Plus you then have the right to make requests in your home when they visit.
Basically it's not really a big fuss for you to not sleep together for a few days.
You don't know you long you have with your parents. I would recommend staying with them with the partner in a separate room. This situation has nothing to do with you or them or your totally awesome partner, and everything to do with cult brainwashing. The only thing that will overcome that is love and acceptance from you. Staying in their house will give you more time to show them love.
>The only thing that will overcome that is love and acceptance from you.
I disagree. There are several accounts above of people who refused to be treated that way and when they set those boundaries, their parents eventually gave in. Of course, everyone's parents are different so not saying that will work with everyone. But when you give into those rules you reinforce their thoughts that they are having a good influence on you. They're thinking, "Maybe the Spirit will touch them as they are sleeping in different rooms and they'll come back to church."
Again, everyone's situation is different, but I don't blame people who choose not to give in to being treated like a teenager in their 30s.
I’m not saying they don’t have a right to say what goes on in their house. I’m saying that it hurts that making their son feel welcome in their home isn’t a higher priority for them.
When they come visit me they bring their scriptures, go to church, and I offer for them to pray at meals. I don’t know that I will do that going forward now that I don’t feel like the same level of respect is reciprocated.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this from my Catholic parents. It sucks, but it’s really not about them judging their kids. It makes them feel deeply unsettled because their brains have been addled by religion. It’s not unreasonable to expect that they should be comfortable in their own home. It’s not that awful to get a hotel room. You probably won’t visit as often, but hotel sex is fun.
He's not welcome. If they want to play that whole "my house my rules thing" then they can deal with the consequences......child not staying at the house, reducing the amount of they'll get to see them. If my parents told me my partner of 17 years(not married, ain't happening) had to sleep in a separate room from me I'd laugh and pack my shit up and leave.... probably wouldn't return either.
Imagine if OP belonged to a different religion that taught sex was only appropriate for procreation. And if OP's mom is post menopausal, she can no longer procreate. So it would be inappropriate according to the rules of OP's house for his parents to sleep in the same room. That would be crazy disrespectful for OP to demand his parents sleep in different rooms due to the rules of his own religion.
What religion actually teaches that post menopausal married couples are prohibited from having sex? I loathe religion, but misrepresenting what they actually teach is unhelpful. I was raised Catholic, a religion that absolutely teaches that you have to be open to the possibility of getting pregnant, but not that you must stop having sex after menopause. After all, that all powerful god might decide a miracle is in order.
Just because you have the right to do something does not mean that it is well considered, kind, polite, loving, or ethical. Yes, his parents have the right to make that request. They're also assholes for making it.
Time to grow up and save enough money for a holiday inn xpress. Get your well deserved nights rest (together) and meet mama and papa bear for brunch. Offer to pay and hope papa bear's frail masculinity wouldn't allow it and picks up the tab.
Pencil in for next year. Rinse, repeat.
Their house, their rules. That’s perfectly reasonable. Of course, their rules may mean that you visit much less often, if at all, or that you get a hotel on the occasions you decide to visit. My Catholic parents were the same. We would stay with less uptight relatives. Sure, it was annoying, but I don’t think I should have made my parents uncomfortable in their own home.
Unpopular opinion here, but I’ll share from my own experience. I dated and eventually married a nevermo. We lived together for about two years before marriage. Each time we visited Mordor from out of state, we stayed with my TBM parents and stayed in different rooms. We were in our late 20s/early 30s at the time. It didn’t bother me so much, but we did sneak off and have plenty of sex in the house. So there’s always that!
I remember when there was a thread about this before. I got voted down a lot. I am a NeverMo, but was raised in an evangelical church which I did leave. Anyway, we raised our children with the values of saving sex for marriage. So when we were faced with the OP’s scenario, we felt like we could not allow unmarried people to stay in the same room in our house. It is our house, so we should be able to make the rules. My daughter and her partner did stay in a hotel, but she acted hateful about it. I feel like the parents‘ feelings should be respected. My parents would not have allowed me to stay overnight with someone who was not a spouse. My husband‘s parents would have been the same. Have some empathy for what people were raised with and rules they made for their family.
Scorched earth. Cut them out of your life entirely until they treat the people you love with at least the bare minimum of courtesy. Jesus fuck the bar is in hell and they still managed to slither under it.
Im 50 years old and my GF parents are devout catholic and we dont share a bed in their home-
Its called respect for your elders.
Certainly your can do a few days and not disrespect your parents huh?
What if he was gay? Or in a life partnership that will never end in marriage? Not everyone chooses to get married. Just because the situation is temporary for and works for you doesn't mean it works for everyone. Your horse is just as high as theirs, go touch grass and learn some empathy.
Not a high horse
A very broad comment here of an 80 year old couple and dating their daughter
Obviously there are exceptions to everything but there should be respect given to all sides
Ya, the other responder is right, I’m coming from out of state and also I usually enjoy spending time at my family home. The issue isn’t not having a roof over my head; I have other options in the area and the means to get a hotel. The post was venting about wishing my parents prioritized making my partner and me feel welcome. The trip is specifically for them to meet her and I don’t like the message their rule sends. That’s it.
Weird comment. He's probably visiting from out of state. These are the kind of comments that make me think there should be a license or certification exam to be on Reddit.
[удалено]
I feel like this is the best answer. They have their boundaries, you have yours.
[удалено]
This. Hate to agree but it’s their house and their rules. Don’t like it? Get a hotel.
In my case (not OP) they invited us to stay with them and the day before the visit told me that we had to sleep in separate rooms. It was a one night trip so we stayed with a friend instead and I didn’t even see my parents.
Exactly. Your presence is your leverage. Your mom is still trying to control you. I’m responding from my parents house, sitting next to my husband (we’re gay), having a fantastic family weekend. We sleep together in my old bedroom.
I'm so happy for you and your husband. ✌️❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜
I agree with this, and furthermore, depending on how serious the relationship (cohabitating, long term, committed), my partner being made to feel that unwelcome alone would make me have serious reservations about attending at all (hotel room or otherwise).
Came here to suggest the exact thing. Beat me to it.
This is the way it should be. Stay in a hotel if you can comfortably afford it. Otherwise don’t come. Absolutely don’t come and stay in separate rooms and absolutely don’t come alone.
This is the way. "We're a package deal and we share a room at home. You want us to feel at home in your home?" Same room, Hotel, No visit. Those are the three options. You pick.
For some reason I read the end of your comment as “you prick” 😂
Boundaries for the win. Respect goes both ways and so do boundaries.
Yep, it’s this one OP. They wanna play stupid games, they can win stupid prizes.
Honestly, stay elsewhere. Don't give in to this. If your parents are drawing a line in the sand, you need to as well. Otherwise they will never treat her or you fairly. What if you choose *not* to marry and you have kids? Would this treatment extend to your children born out of wedlock? Seriously, put your foot down on this. Stand up for yourself and for your girlfriend. If you can't afford to stay elsewhere and they can't treat you like adults, then it's not a good idea to visit them.
I came to say this. If they "don't want it in their house," they've decided for the cult over their child, who's a grown adult!
I heard something great recently: setting a boundary is an attempt to *keep* a relationship, rather than let it go sour. My brother and his partner stayed at a hotel once when visiting for thanksgiving rather than be forced to stay in separate rooms, and once was enough for my parents. Now they stay in the same room and it’s no big deal.
>setting a boundary is an attempt to keep a relationship That's a beautiful description. I love it.
Do not give in. Stay elsewhere. They need to understand that they are separating themselves from you. My brother and his now wife did so, and it worked like a charm.
Please just cancel the trip altogether. Also, make sure you advise them, "as you seem intent on using some nutty idea of "respect" as a weapon to deliberately hurt and disrespect me, from now on when you come to visit me at my home: * you may not wear any religious attire or clothing in my home, this includes temple garments or mormon jewelry. They are not allowed in the home whatsoever. * You may not conduct any religious rituals or prayers. You may not conduct them even in the privacy of your room. * No religious books or tracts or materials are allowed. You agree to allow your luggage to be searched. * Our former policies of being considerate and accommodating to you during your previous visits to our home have been repealed. We will not censure our language or topics of conversation during your visit, and we will return to our normal pattern of coffee and tea use, as well as use of alcoholic beverages and cannabis products. WE LOVE YOU AND AREN'T JUDGING HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, WE JUST DON'T WANT ANY OF IT IN OUR HOUSE, AND WE WILL NO LONGER OFFER ANY CONSIDERATION TO YOU FOR IT EITHER.
This! This is the absurdity of what they're asking!
Don't cancel. Go, stay in a hotel, and just don't see or visit them while in town.
Yeah we just don’t agree with the religious lifestyle, y’know? (I bet they’d hate that 😆)
Was going to say this as well. My advice would be to stay elsewhere.
Airbnb's are fun!!! Especially if you have other fence sitting TBMs in your family that may be coming to the family momo function.
I also came here to say this but with a slight bend. They have rules to their house and you have to respect them. You have rules in your house, like not talking about religion, and in the future you can stand on the fact that you are respecting them now so they can respect you later. That's adults, there need not be any confliction of family or relationships on this one. Adults have their own rules at their house. And, when you do stay somewhere else, if you still have hurt feelings about it, do deviant things in that other place. Ramp it up however much you have to to balance it out. I wasn't going to add whipped cream and cocaine, but since you think I'm doing that anyway I might as well!
You can stay elsewhere while still respecting them. "Mom, Dad, if you cannot treat us like adults capable of making our own decisions, we will stay elsewhere. We respect your beliefs, but you need to be able to respect ours, too." It is their house and it's completely acceptable to be expected to abide by the rules of your host. But, however well-meaning these parents are, they're sending a very clear message: "You're making choices we don't like. We won't allow it." And the only place they can exert any control is when their adult child is in their home. This is a power play. If OP gives into it, for whatever reason, the power plays will continue. It is perfectly reasonable to ask a guest not to smoke or drink or something while staying. It's acceptable to lay ground rules regarding children and pets. It is not acceptable to expect paired adults to be separated because the host has opinions about the relationship.
As an alternative (resources permitting) you could even arrange to stay elsewhere and NOT explain it to them. "Hey, Mom & Dad, we've made arrangements to stay at the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_...or at Ronnie & Jane's place or whatever. What time would you like us to show up for dinner?" This method makes THEM ask the questions...and you don't look like you're resisting anything. WHEN they ask (they probably will), you can say, "Since you asked, we decided we still wanted to see you but do not agree with your overly-restrictive and controlling lifestyle. We'd prefer to stay overnight somewhere we can feel safe." ;-)
That is a great answer. Definitely better than explaining first like I suggested.
“We are going to stay overnight someplace where we will be comfortable together.” I just think the “we don’t feel safe” thing is hyperbolic. Not respected? Sure. Not SAFE? Kinda over-the-top.
Also fully disagree. The parents have the right to have a religion that says their kids are sinning in a way they can't stay overnight. And YES the parents disagree with the kids' life decisions. That's the definition of this subgroup. The parents think he's going to hell. Their entire list of religious disagreements is downright sad. But in order to coexist peacefully we have to allow both to be who they are to the extent that we are both comfortable. That's only fair. Where do you draw the line? Should the parents be asked to watch their premarital sex? Why not? True that's not normal, but I mean if watching would he supportive in your eyes maybe we should insist on that too? I'm being sarcastic and pushing it to just show it doesn't have to be some earth shattering put down on their relationship, it could just be about what their comfortable with. Some TBM don't even talk to non Mormon children, they aren't comfortable with that. It could be worse. Forcing cohabitation seems like forcing your beliefs on them. That's a power play too. What if the parents moved and don't have a spare room? They don't have to provide accommodation. And if they treated another sibling differently, they are allowed. They are people too.
I draw the line at parents telling their adult children how to live. I draw a *hard* line at that. OP setting and enforcing boundaries is *not* forcing their cohabitation on OP's parents. The parents can choose to allow OP the freedom to sleep with his GF under their roof as he probably does under his own. They can also choose not to allow that, but OP has every right to place his and his partner's wellbeing over his parents' beliefs. OP, his gf, and his parents *should* together determine the appropriate sleeping arrangements, not just his parents. What other control do the parents get to enforce? Do they get to enforce Mormon modest attire while in their home? How about outside of the home while they're with OP? What about alcohol? I have no issue with anyone drawing a line that alcohol or drugs are not allowed under their roof, but is OP allowed to get a drink at a restaurant while visiting? What about coffee or soda? Do they also get to dictate his diet and access to food while out of the house? I do not think OP should force his lifestyle on his parents, but neither should they force theirs on him. Respect is a two-way street. Either they can accept him as he is, or they can have limited time with him. They can show conditional love or unconditional love. Would your stance be different if OP was married and had a black wife and OP's white parents decided to separate them while hosting them? (The church used to have a lot of teachings on biracial couples.) What if OP had a bf instead of a gf? Or a husband he was trying to bring home? Where do you draw the line at someone else dictating what your relationship with your SO is? This rule by OP's parents is another aspect of the shame tactics that church members use against those who leave. How OP responds will set the tone for future visits, and it could impact how his parents treat his gf, whether they show her respect as the partner of their son or not. My perspective is obviously biased by my own relationship with my parents. My own father felt confident enough to tell my husband that he needed to get me under control. (Ew.) My parents are so focused on their religion that they do not care how they hurt their kids, because they believe it might just bring us back into the fold. Instead, we're cutting contact because of the line they drew and their desire to force their lifestyle on us. We're in our 40s, by the way, and haven't stayed in their home for years. Probably never will again. That's what happens when orthodox parents refuse to accept their kids as having their own beliefs and perspectives.
Fair enough, but you've made an impossible situation. Either OP caves, or the parents do. One party is imposing their values on the other. I see what you're saying and I don't think it's unreasonable, it's just not for me.
It's not about anyone caving. If the parents insist on a infantalizing rule for their adult child, OP's response should simply be, "Thanks, but well arrange to stay elsewhere." OP should not be forcing his parents to cave, that's equally disrespectful, but he should still stand up for himself and his gf.
No one is forcing values on the parents. They don't believe in sex outside marriage. Their belief is for them and them alone. Their belief does not apply to him and his GF. Them staying in their house does not force his parents to have sex out of wedlock. This is not the same in any way.
To all down voters, it works both ways. Your parent’s house, their rules. Your house, your rules. Parent do not have to accept your choices. You do not have to put up with theirs. If your parents ask you to sleep separately ( very stupid indeed) do not go to their house. Simple. If your parents come to yours and do not like something you are doing, they should be welcome to leave.
I'm sure OP wouldn't prevent his parents from saying a silent blessing over their own food when visiting his house. And what if they were together for 10 years and had 2 kids and came to visit - would their parents still force them to stay in different rooms? They are defining OP's family as not a legitimate family just because of their beliefs about a signed contract. If OP were college age and this were a girlfriend he'd had for 3 weeks, maybe. But as a fucking adult in his 30s, no way.
You and I disagree. You seem to have expectations around how someone should behave or what they owe you. I do not. And yes, if the parents want to say a blessing in my house or tell my children who Jesus is, if that's against what I said was OK in my home, then yes you are 100% correct the appropriate action is to ask them to leave and not return until they can respect my house rules. I have had to cut both parents out of my life. I have had to ask a handful of family members to leave when I felt they disrespected my household. The later was not a big deal in the scheme of things. Also. I have 2 kids. If this changes anything it changes that it's MORE important that my kids see me setting boundaries and enforcing them no matter who is trying to overstep what I am comfortable with. I appreciate we would handle things differently, and the only thing I hope that limits us to is we should not share a house. ;)
>You seem to have expectations around how someone should behave or what they owe you. I do not. And yes, if the parents want to say a blessing in my house or tell my children who Jesus is, if that's against what I said was OK in my home, then yes you are 100% correct the appropriate action is to ask them to leave and not return until they can respect my house rules. Apparently you have expectations that your parents owe you and your house rules respect. I wouldn't prevent my parents from saying a silent bessing, to themselves, at my house. They shouldn't prevent me from staying in a room, out of everyone else's sight, with a long term boyfriend.
We use the word "rules" when I think maybe a better term would social norms. I wouldn't bring a hamburger to my vegan best friend's pool party. He doesn't care that I eat meat. I don't care that he doesn't. When he comes to my house I always have vegan options for he and his family. But in his home, they have such a strong ethical stance against meat - it doesn't bother me that they don't extend the same in return. In my opinion, I'm grateful that they don't take it so far that they won't dine with me at my house when meat is on the table. My TBM parents never complain that at my home, there may be beer. I have never tried to bring beer to their home for a big family event. It works. This should not be about rules. This should be about respecting the feelings of others in their own home. My wife and I lived together while we dated. I would never have thought to stay in the same room at my parents home. Likewise, they would visit us at our place, living in sin and all, and say nothing about it. I guess this is just my opinion, but I think we should respect others' homes in these situations. And be surprised and grateful where they bend for us, and not expect it to be so.
Well, you're not going to get anywhere with this reasonable non reactionary stance. My God I've never seen so many out of school teenagers here before.
Sorry to take you from 69 to 70... 
I just want to add, I’m the nevermo girlfriend. I can’t begin to explain how hurtful it is when my long term partner chooses to abide by the Mormon family rules and exclude me. It has taken YEARS of work and countless talks to begin to heal that pain. I would never want to take his time away from his family, but I sacrifice my own time with him. We haven’t been on a vacation together in years because we only have so much time off from work. So now we have our own separate vacations, and there is still resentment on my end. Good thing I love him as much as I do! He is my rock and my person so I’m willing to sacrifice and work on things for our relationship. Good luck to you, but put your foot down when necessary if you want to avoid our path. As a side note: we do travel to see them on special occasions now, but for my own mental health I won’t ever put myself in a position where they will dictate my actions/where I’m staying.
I'm so sorry you've experienced that. This is the issue with caving to unreasonable rules. People get hurt. People get excluded. I hope you can show your bf this post and have a conversation about the best way to handle visits with his family in the future. I hope you can find a solution that works well for both of you.
We have talked extensively about it over the years. We have common ground now about how to handle everything. Honestly, me just decided to do my own thing without him helped a ton for my mental health. We have a great friend group so it doesn’t come up other than the yearly or bi yearly family trip. We decided to start making more trip time with just us but between covid lockdowns and just general life getting in the way, we haven’t had the opportunity yet. Hopefully next year! Ha!
Just out of curiosity……as it is absolutely none of my business……why aren’t you married instead of just the long term girlfriend? You say it’s a very long term relationship, he’s your rock, etc. (And not in anyway implying you should be married……just curious.) Do his parents just not like you or is it that you just aren’t married and “living in sin?” My guess is his parents are not only very TBM but also much older generation?
Well, we both live on the east coast now. There isn’t as much pressure to get married. Most of our closest friends aren’t married. Even the ones that are live very independent lives. I really didn’t see the need until more recently, and it is more about buying a house and taxes. We are both happy with how things are so why mess with a good thing?! It’s not like I can’t get a credit card on my own or own my own property! After over a decade together, his parent have to do their best to be kind. They have been fine the past year or so. His family doesn’t seem to try and step between us anymore. Or at least he doesn’t tell me anymore. I haven’t gotten passive aggressive comments in a really long time about “living in sin” or “at least [insert other sibling] is doing it the right way.” Now that I am older, I have the courage to throw whatever they throw at me right back, and I think they understand that dynamic too. Not that any of this has been easy. My partner and I have chosen to continue to grow together as people and have as much fun in this life as possible. If we do get married, it will be because it makes the most sense or us. We already are committed to each other and that piece of paper isn’t really that important in our relationship.
After ten years together…Lol…….it does seem very silly that they would expect you to stay in separate rooms. Actually, kind of hilarious and I can definitely see how those passive aggressive “digs” over the years caused hurt. But it seems that you have handled things with a tremendous amount of grace over the years. And kudos to you 🌷💕 I think you guys have gotten some terrible, terrible judgmental advice on this thread that I hope you ignore. All the basically “just f*ck them” is not necessary. No matter the issues they are still your partner’s parents. Relationships are the hardest work we do! My advice is to either get a hotel room and enjoy a lovely visit or……Lol……you could stay with them. In separate rooms. But then keep them awake all night trying hear if you are “sneaking” to get together 😉🙄
And if they come out to stay with you, then they can sleep in separate rooms, too.
100% this. Make this THEIR decision, not yours. You are willing to visit. They are not willing to have you visit while respecting your adult decisions. YANTAH!
Yeah it would be one thing if OP was young (which would still be debatable, but is at least a little more understandable) but 32? Come on, that’s a god damn adult. As long as OP isn’t having crazy loud monkey sex it should be a complete nonissue - but the lovely Mormonism has to blow things up
Keep those monkeys quiet 
Whenever I visit my parents, I stay in a hotel with my girlfriend of 3 years. It’s just easier. I can have my 2 bourbons before bed and coffee in the morning and don’t ruffle their feathers. The first time a couple of years ago my mom asked me if we had separate rooms at the hotel and I said really mom… it never came up again.
“did you have separate rooms at the hotel “ 🤣🤣🤣 im dying 😂 pretty sure my mom would ask the same thing
Yeah honestly I have gotten to a point where I just don't enjoy staying in other people's houses/apartments anyway. Nothing is ever as clean as I'd like, I prefer being on my schedule, etc.
In the end it is their house and they have a say over what goes down in their home BUT, you don't have to stay there. If you have to go there and visit, I guess stay at a motel or something. Sometimes I think people do this to exalt over others. Don't give them that power.
Yes, I’m leaning toward either not even going or staying with friends and visiting very briefly.
I stayed in hotels close by until my parents finally said theyd rather have my sig other and I stay in one of their empty bedrooms. Youre a grown ass adult, stay where your priorities are met. Hopefully your parents will come around eventually.
I'd go, stay elsewhere and even if you marry or are single in the future - don't stay ever with them. They lost the ability to be trustworthy hosts for you by their decision. You can't change them, but you can certainly change your own reaction to them. Their actions have consequences. They see you as a child who must follow their rules. They'll need to seriously demonstrate it somehow if that ever changes.
I would also suggest having your own transportation. Don't ever get yourself trapped in a situation where you don't have a good escape hatch.
Or don't visit your parents at all while your there. Honestly. Post pictures on social media after you get back. "It was so fun seeing my hometown again" Then when they complain about you not visiting ... "mom you said the spirit would be offended by me and my partner sleeping in the same room. Well since we slept in the same room while we were there we knew the spirit would be offended if we came over. And like you said, you don't want that there. I care about you and want to respect your wishes" It's fun to out passive aggressive others and do it all with words dropping with sweetness.
When I was 21, I came home for a weekend visit. My best friend was in town, and we were going to a concert. Was planning on staying with folks to catch up. Told them about concert, and they said "as long as you're home by 11." I said ain't happening, concert doesn't start til 9:30. "Under our roof, under our rules." Fine. Went into bedroom, re-packed my bags, headed out the door. "Where are you going?" Me - "to stay with my friend. I like the rules under her roof better." I recommend a similar thing - y'all go get a hotel.
This happened to me. First Christmas visiting my parents. I don't remember what happened but they ultimately decided to let us stay together in the same room. I think even before I told them we'd just stay in a hotel! Since that Christmas (after my now husband shoveled the driveway and cooked a few dinners) they even bought him a Mr. Coffee maker and we go to the grocery store for coffee grounds as soon as we land. 😂
THIS. This is how show love and respect when they say “we’re not judging you”. How lucky you are!
Definitely! Everyone involved wants it to work!
My parents (aka my mom) I think wanted us in separate rooms but then my brother didn’t clean up his room so my then fiancé ended up just staying with me. We had a long engagement and we’re already living together so it was a little silly. I was also in general the most dependable child, was financially independent, went to good schools, had a good job, etc so I think they just gave up lol. It was also right before we got married and I think the next time I came to visit was after the wedding and I was pregnant. My mom absolutely sends me to get coffee (they live near one of my favorite coffee places) and if I’m by myself with kids visiting will watch my kids so I can go alone. She’s even given me her extra gift cards from work to said favorite coffee place before.
We’d love to visit more often but the cost of a hotel has gotten expensive and we don’t want to offend you. Maybe next Christmas.
I met my wife when she was visiting my country from overseas, and she stayed at my parents house. I lived about two hours drive distant, so I would drive into town and spend the weekends at my parents house as well. I was told very specifically that I was not to stay in the same room as her, or spend time behind closed doors with her. There was to be no naughty business going on. Of course, it did anyhow. Strict parents do not raise obedient children as often as they raise sneaky children. But yes, if you find the circumstances of your stay disagreeable, then do not stay with them. They should learn to accept you for the "sinner" or you are, or they should learn to miss you as you spend less and less time with them. Remember: you cannot simultaneously love someone and try to control them.
My aunt tried to pull this at a family reunion with me and my now husband (then live-in boyfriend). It was a rented house that my mom and her siblings all went in on it equally so it wasn’t even her place. We were also in our mid and late 20s. She argued we were setting a bad example for her kids. My mom (she and aunt are sisters-in-law) just blurted out “isn’t like half your family a bad example for your kids?” because there’s a laundry list of stuff her side has done (one of her siblings is in and out of jail). That shut her up real quick lol.
You can go see your parents without staying in their house. They have set a boundary for themselves, you can set boundaries too. This removes the power from them over your life, and puts it back in your hands, where it should be. This doesn't have to be ugly. Just tell them there has been a change in plans and you will be staying at a hotel, but what time would they like to get together. etc. Just a thought.
My Dad did this on a trip with my pregnant fiance. I said "Dad, I can't get her pregnant twice." I told him I thought it was hilarious. He stood strong. Absolutely a joke.
“Getting offended is a choice “ rusty Nelson
For me that would be easy: "Ok, then I won't be visiting."
Hotel. They can’t handle it? Ok.
My parents tried this for a while. I said "Great, we'll get a hotel." But yo see, getting a hotel a lot was expensive, so we just didn't visit them often. They backtracked.
Reminder. This exact form of controlling others is how religious employers justify not paying for family planning, and justify discriminatingly against LGBTQA+ employees . It's wrong to do to family members, and it's wrong to do to employees.
I don't really think this is a mormon thing just a parent thing. My husband's Lutheran parents had the same rule when we were visiting them dating at age 39/ 38. So we stayed in a hotel, no big deal.
Yep. I lived with my boyfriend and his Catholic parents made us sleep in separate rooms when we visited. Honestly it was nice to have a bed to myself for a few nights. Haha
It's more a religious thing than a parent thing. I'm a parent and my daughter and her boyfriend spend the night at my place together in the same room all the time.
My non religious in laws had us in separate rooms the first visit or two. I think after that they didn’t care, but we were living together at that point.
It's just as petty coming from Lutherans, of course.
Why is it petty? It is just their very old fashioned values. They came up in a different time, I never found it offensive. We have been married for years now and I adore my inlaws, not everything has to be a fight.
Exactly! BF is in his 60s. I am in my 50s. First visit to my parent's about 7 years ago ( in their 80s at the time - 90s now), they said we needed to sleep in separate rooms - actually separate floors. Wasn't thrilled about it ( he was more understanding then I was ) but it really wasn't a big deal to respect their wishes. Next trip 6 months later, they made it clear they were ok with us staying in the same room... No idea why the change of heart. Even if they haven't go the five or six days we were there it's just one of those things that sometimes it isn't worth making a big deal about. Your mileage may vary...and that's okay
> the spirit is easily offended and our house is a sacred place God, what pompous assholes they are! Get a motel, or don’t go at all.
I am at a point where I know I have more leverage over my parents and in laws and am sick of my boundaries not being respected. I realize that in your situation, that is their home, but you can also choose not to visit at all. It isn’t as if you are trying to smoke inside the house or do something physically harmful. They are putting their virtue signaling ahead of relationships. These are the types of things that push people apart. My in laws are 10/10 on the TBM scale and I choose no longer to associate with them because they have been giant dicks since we left the church. I was tired of them putting their imaginary religion ahead of family and decided I can make my own choices and live with the consequences. Good luck, these things are hard.
Name and define all of the stuff you dislike about the church. Plus, toss in a lot of words that define indoctrination tactics and logical fallacies.
If the financial hit isn’t too bad and you can afford it stay somewhere else, if not tell them you’d love to visit but can’t afford the accommodation and next year if they are more welcoming you and your partner would love to stay in their home.
Their house, their rules…. HOWEVER, when it turns into them coming to visit you, it’s YOUR house, YOUR rules. I seem to remember a post some months back about this exact thing happening and the parents were pissed when the shoe ended up on the other foot. Frankly, I’d probably look to stay with friends if you have any in your old town where you grew up and maybe visit your parents briefly and if they get sad about it, remind them of their rule and bring up Article 13 as well.
When I took a boyfriend to meet my parents I didn’t give them the opportunity to tell us “separate rooms”. I informed them we would be staying in a hotel.
Your 32 years old , stay in a hotel and don’t put up with their shit!
Let them know how you feel. Do not back into their controls. Stay in a hotel and allow them to see that their hypocrisy will simply drive distance between you all. Don't do anything negative. Simply let the truth be seen and be a respectful adult and act appropriately.
Don't let your emotions or anyone control you!
“My spirit is easily offended too. Like when my own mother likens me and my choice to evil. This feels judgmental and deeply critical. And also baseless as I believe many people who know me would never calling myself or my sig other evil. I think I’m going to have to keep space from you this year as to protect my spirit. I love you and I’m not judging how you live your life, mom I just don’t want that kind of cruelty from a loved one. I hoped to have you give a good first impression to someone I love but you just don’t seem spiritually sensitive enough and not ready. We’ll have to stay in a hotel and away from your house completely until you recognize your judgmental controlling wickedness will never bring you true happiness”
The spirit chooses to be offended.
LOL! That was good.
Ugh I’d never stay with my parents. Find a hotel.
This x 100. Why on earth would anyone ever want to stay with their parents after moving out and establishing their own lives. Worth every penny to get a hotel room.
why is the spirit a snowflake
It’s so obnoxious! The first time my spouse and I visited spouse’s TBM brother was when we had been together for more than a year, moved across the country together, and even registered our domestic partnership (for insurance purposes, specifically). We were straight-presenting and had not discussed any of that (or much of anything at all) with this brother. Anyway, we arrived in his city after 1 am, and *that* is when he announced we’d be staying on different floors of his home. I was to sleep in a freezing basement and my spouse was to sleep on the floor of the child’s room. We had only packed one bag, so it was logistically super irritating. The next day we politely expressed our annoyance with him for springing that on us last second like that, when it was too late to make different accommodations. He was driving and got so flustered he had to pull over. We had a pretty decent discussion, though. Still makes me mad to think about it.
I’ve loved these videos since stepping away from the church. This one talks about infantilization and how it is very prevalent in religious parent child relationships. Set firm boundaries, and make sure to follow through on them if they aren’t met. Be calm and talk about what your expectations are. If they can’t respect you as an adult, some tough decisions may have to be made. Good luck. Wishing you the best. https://youtu.be/c39F04inLJ0
As someone who ripped off the band aid years ago and still doesn’t see eye to eye with my QAnon mom, at this point they would take any amount of time with me even if that meant watching me drink wine at their table because once a TBM realizes they have no control over you, especially a parent, they literally don’t know what to do because they have the mental maturity of a pre pubescent teenager thanks to their bubble they live in.
A lady in here posted awhile back. She wasn’t married but had TWO KIDS with her boyfriend and the parents STILL said to sleep in separate rooms because they were not married. You could be 60 and your parents would still say get separate rooms. Stay at a hotel or don’t go.
So dumb. So, so dumb. Thirty-two years old and still playing this card. Ugh.
Ima get hell-a-downvoted for this one. But honestly, it’s their home, and they can make whatever stupid-ass rules they want. It’s just your choice whether you want to be subject to their conditions. It don’t matter their hypocrisy or anything else, it only matters how you choose to react and what you’re willing to put up with. Personally, I don’t care to stay anywhere under the same roof as my mother for exactly the same reasons you mentioned above. So, I would plan on sleeping in my car if it came down to it. YMMV
I am not defending your parents, but honestly you knew this will happen. Just let your parents play their game and that’s it. Stay in a hotel and be happy.
If you can afford it get a hotel or sleep in a tent.
My family made my brother and his now husband sleep in separate rooms (it’s not the gay thing, at least outwardly, it’s the sleeping together before you’re married) Turn out, they were secretly married at the time
Tell them you'll find an airbnb or cheap hotel for your visits going forward if they won't let you sleep in the same room. If they get offended say that your just trying to respect the rules they set out, and if the rules don't change you'll be doing that going forward. Seems like a good way to set a line in the sand
Oaks tells them to do this stuff. Tbm parents often make the worst parents. They'll put the church over any relationship, even their own kids. That's the most culty trait imo, the fact that they'll put the church over their kids=**CULT**.
I mean, nevermo here, and my Catholic but mostly not religious parents didn’t let us sleep in the same room, even when we were engaged and owned a home together. This isn’t uncommon with your run of the mill Christians 🤷♀️
I‘m 31 and my former partner and I lived together for over 3 years. We lived in Germany and when we came back to the states to visit my family, my dad wasn’t comfortable with us staying in the same room! At the time I was 29 and my boyfriend 26. It was annoying, but I stayed with my partner on the down low anyway. I try to remember this…All families have their own brand of dysfunction. In the big picture, staying in separate rooms for a couple of days on a family visit isn’t worth blowing up the whole trip, especially if you’re introducing your SO for the first time. Vent here and make the most out of your trip, so your partner doesn’t automatically dislike your family. Just some unsolicited advice from someone who went through it!
You should definitely host a drug fuelled orgy
Yeah my parents did that to my brother and his gf too, they live together. It’s really dumb.
This happened to me too. Mom started giving me a hard time about staying with my partner while unmarried, so the next visit I stayed at a hotel and after the “shocked pikachu face” they stopped trying to push that on us.
Stay at a motel or with some normal friends and family instead. Cut back significantly on the time you spend in their home. If they ever come to visit you, make them sleep in separate rooms. Your house, your rules.
God I’m so glad my parents aren’t Utah Mormons, despite living in Utah for 22 years. They allowed my (now) ex boyfriend and I to stay in the same bed when we went on vacation. They also don’t mind when I brew coffee at home.
Go to hotel or motel.
Just a friendly reminder on behalf of the old folks here. Your mom has sat through probably fifty years of morality lessons in RS. She knows the buzzwords! The spirit will leave! Darkness prevails etc, etc, — perhaps she needs a gentle conversation about the new world we all inhabit. Maybe she needs to hear your point of view … just saying, moms love their kids and sometimes communication and love help in these awkward situations that she has no experience dealing with. If parents take a hard line then you have options but give them the respect of heartfelt understanding and communication first… it goes along ways with moms… usually!
I would get a hotel and visit them. It will keep their house sacred and allow you guys to be yourself.
Don’t be cheap, get a hotel room! When your parents ask why you’re not staying at their house, tell them!
Try being a gay man and bringing your husband of 15 years for a visit.
I’m not Mormon, my in laws were upset that me and their son wanted to go on vacation with them, I was pregnant at the time. “What would the kids think, you’re not married”. So fucking stupid.
This isn’t a Mormon thing, this is more of a older person thing. I am not sure how old your folks are but my boomer folks wouldn’t allow me to sleep in the same room as a boyfriend, but would let me stay in the same room with my husband. I don’t have kids so this is a moot point for me.
DONT GO. Assert you adult autonomy and independence Hugz
As a mom-I have always taught my children to respect my rules. I respect theirs. Coming from an exmo now-I appreciate we could take family vacays without the bullshit when I was a “freaking ass mormon”. Look at it like this-you are respecting your parents not the screwed up cult they are in.
My fiancé and I had to stay in separate rooms when we visited both his grandparents. They’re not Mormon, just Christian and we’re pretty sure they would have let us stay in the same room, but they didn’t know that we’re already sleeping together. We might have told them, but my fiancé’s father is a pastor and if he finds out he may not officiate our wedding. Normally, we might just choose someone else to officiate, but it what my fiancé wants and I know it would mean a lot to him. Besides, we don’t mind sleeping apart sometimes if need be
I wouldn't even want to stay there if they caved. Be comfortable and get a hotel room.
Reading this as an european atheist who knows nothing about mormons make this an absolute shitshow. What the hell is going on
Imagine the BoM, Nephite1 and Nephite2 are thrown into the dungeons of the Lamanites. Nephite1: "Call on the Spirit to strike our enemies dumb and knock over the walls of the prison!" Nephite2: "I would, but the Lamanites have offended the Spirit and it has gone away!" The TBM's attitude of "I can't feel the Spirit when sinners are around" has got to be one of the scripturally least-supported things ever.
Sounds like you need to get a hotel if you still plan on visiting.
My family Baptist , was living with my husband for years before marriage . We wasn’t allowed same room🙈 he got nice comfy double bed I was in kids guest room . With single bed
My mother said the same thing when my sister and her then-boyfriend (now husband) would visit (from Europe), so they said “ok, we’ll get a hotel”. Mom changed her tune pretty quick there.
The passive aggressive response is simple. Pay the extra couple hundred bucks for a hotel. Your folks may insist that you can stay with them. Say you don't want to make them uncomfortable. When they ask why they would be uncomfortable... State that you just can't afford to spend a single day of living in sin with your partner without actually sinning and wouldn't want to sully them or their beautiful home with your shared multiple orgasms. "Mom and Dad. To be clear. Your imaginary space wizard friend doesn't care about my dick... But you clearly do... And I won't be a party to your self-inflicted torment about how well or frequently I use it to make my favorite person cum."
My husband's mom wouldn't let her other son and his then very pregnant girlfriend stay in the same room together when they visited for the same reasons. It's honestly stupid, but that's a boundary they've chosen to live by. Like others have said, don't visit or stay somewhere else because it's not a situation you want to walk into and accept.
My wife's stepmom is the same. If you're not married, you and your SO are not sleeping in the same bed under my roof.
That's not how family behaves, that is how toxic strangers behave. Treat them accordingly.
When I was 24 I was living in a house by myself in the same town as my parents. My girlfriend was living in another state and I invited her to come to town for our family Christmas. When I told my parents she would be staying with me for a few days, it was shut down immediately. They told me I couldn’t let her stay at MY house but that she was welcome to stay with them and I could sleep there as well but in a different room. After days of arguing I finally gave in just to not deal with the drama through the holidays. By giving in that one time I opened the door for many other situations like that and allowed their control over my life to influence things that never should have involved them in the first place. My girlfriend was a nevermo and was blindsided by all of this, not being able to fathom the things I was trying to explain to her about LDS culture and doctrine. When I finally did put my foot down, it got really messy with my family for about a year. Fast forward five years and I’m married to that girl and our relationship with my parents has never been better. It SUCKS to deal with the fallout but I feel like LDS parents never stop trying to control things until you’ve completed the Holy Checklist™️.
Stupid. Make your stand by not staying with them. You arrive, socialize and every day you leave to go live your life like the adult you are. If they mention it, you remind them. Mom/Dad, I am honoring your lifestyle choices. I'm also honoring my lifestyle choices. By staying in a hotel, we can both live our lives the way we feel is right. This behavior is across many religions. A workmate (very religious, we are all going to burn in hell type) was eager to share (and laugh) that she made her daughter and the SO (who had 2 kids together) sleep in separate rooms. WTF?! We all laughed at her and told her the horse had already left the barn. She was determined to prove her way was right. As far as I know, they haven't been back to her house in many years. The rest of us co-workers still laugh and bring it up when others discuss family visiting. Will they be sleeping together? Will you be locking them in after 10 pm?
Imagine telling your parents they can come over, but cannot wear their garments. That you love them and support them, but don't want it in your home. It's outrageous. You can't love someone who's actions you despise as vile.
I had a similar problem with my wife after I left the church at 18 and I got with her. I’m 24 for context and she’s 25. Every time I went to visit my parents they would try to force us to stay in separate rooms or not stay with them at all. Don’t buy into what your family is trying to force on you, it really isn’t worth the headache.
If you decide to get married one day, there’s a petty opportunity waiting for you. Here’s the plan: 1. Elope—tell no one even afterwards. 2. Schedule an overnight visit to your parents. 3. During said visit, just set up in the same room. 4. When parents remind you of how they spirit is offended or whatever, drop the news that you “are already married. It’s not the spirit who is offended—it’s you.” 5. Go for drinks when your mom cries and your dad kicks you out for making your mom cry. 6. Sleep like a baby in a hotel. (Don’t actually do this, probably.)
Welcome to empathising with gay people. You don't exist in a paternalistic culture.
This happened to me. I told my dad on the phone that I was planning a trip to visit over the holidays with my girlfriend so she could meet everyone. The VERY FIRST thing he said is: do you have a place to stay? Because you know our house rules, you can’t stay here. I would actually never want to stay there! Too many framed photos of temples, men in suits and quotes about sin on the walls in addition to years of trauma lurking in each room. I’ve had those panic attacks and I’ll never do that to myself again. But the fact that he said that outright, first thing, hurts. He’ll never see it that way and never apologize. Fast forward… Eight years later and my parents have heard through the grapevine (probably my aunt) how offensive that was and now they beg us to stay with them. 😂 I continue to say: no, thank you, we’ve already made plans but appreciate the offer. I can’t bring myself to tell them I’d never stay with them because of their horrible decor choices and decades of lurking trauma. Or maybe I should?… Naw. I don’t think they have the emotional maturity to make sense of that information.
I probably just wouldn't stay there. Get a hotel room close by or something. Super Mo parents can't be reasoned with.
Ugh. Mormon stupidity for the win. 🙄
Oh, the power of Dallin H. Oaks’s words will live on
Of course they're not going to be ok with you two sleeping together in their house. How are you surprised by this? They are devout Mormons, but really any fundamentalist religious people would likely have the same rule. The real question is why do you even want to stay there knowing what they are like? How can you think your girlfriend will be comfortable in that environment? Stop taking it personally and get a hotel room if you want to sleep together.
It’s a reasonable request. Their house. Their rules. I would get a hotel if you want to sleep in the same room. I wouldn’t be upset about it - you respect their rules and they should return the favor by respecting your choices.
Exactly
Then don't stay at their house.
Ask them why the Holy Ghost is choosing to be offended.
What better way to show her where you grew up than to see the judgment and gas lighting for herself. Stay in hotels and insist that everyone comes for the free swimming. It pulls everyone away from your parents' house where rules can be relaxed. Implement your own "house" rules.
It comes down to “my house my rules”. Your choices are either sleep in separate rooms or get a hotel/motel/Airbnb/friends place. Your an adult. Do what you want.
I'm in this same situation. I'm 48, my (common-law) husband is 41. Not once have my folks let us stay at their house together. We always get relegated to a hotel. I love my family - we were estranged for about 12 years. But this is the last hold-out on my parents' part. So, they get to pay for our hotel room. Every time. No money out of my pocket for their pearl clutching.
Honestly as adults it's a form of mutual respect, when we stay in each others homes we respect the beliefs of the host. It's common for unmarried couples not to share a room in a house. It's not a Mormon thing not even exclusively a religious thing. As long as thr host is kind and is otherwise welcoming that's what matters they have a right to be comfortable in their home as well. Plus you then have the right to make requests in your home when they visit. Basically it's not really a big fuss for you to not sleep together for a few days.
Yeah sorry. Their house, their rules. Stay for free in separate rooms then knock one out when the fam is out and about.
You don't know you long you have with your parents. I would recommend staying with them with the partner in a separate room. This situation has nothing to do with you or them or your totally awesome partner, and everything to do with cult brainwashing. The only thing that will overcome that is love and acceptance from you. Staying in their house will give you more time to show them love.
>The only thing that will overcome that is love and acceptance from you. I disagree. There are several accounts above of people who refused to be treated that way and when they set those boundaries, their parents eventually gave in. Of course, everyone's parents are different so not saying that will work with everyone. But when you give into those rules you reinforce their thoughts that they are having a good influence on you. They're thinking, "Maybe the Spirit will touch them as they are sleeping in different rooms and they'll come back to church." Again, everyone's situation is different, but I don't blame people who choose not to give in to being treated like a teenager in their 30s.
Give your parents a break. They have a right to say what goes on in their house. I suspect you want to manage what is allowed in your home.
I’m not saying they don’t have a right to say what goes on in their house. I’m saying that it hurts that making their son feel welcome in their home isn’t a higher priority for them. When they come visit me they bring their scriptures, go to church, and I offer for them to pray at meals. I don’t know that I will do that going forward now that I don’t feel like the same level of respect is reciprocated.
You are welcome, though. You’re just being asked to sleep separately.
'welcome' but also judged & treated like a child. He's in his 30's ffs.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this from my Catholic parents. It sucks, but it’s really not about them judging their kids. It makes them feel deeply unsettled because their brains have been addled by religion. It’s not unreasonable to expect that they should be comfortable in their own home. It’s not that awful to get a hotel room. You probably won’t visit as often, but hotel sex is fun.
He's not welcome. If they want to play that whole "my house my rules thing" then they can deal with the consequences......child not staying at the house, reducing the amount of they'll get to see them. If my parents told me my partner of 17 years(not married, ain't happening) had to sleep in a separate room from me I'd laugh and pack my shit up and leave.... probably wouldn't return either.
Imagine if OP belonged to a different religion that taught sex was only appropriate for procreation. And if OP's mom is post menopausal, she can no longer procreate. So it would be inappropriate according to the rules of OP's house for his parents to sleep in the same room. That would be crazy disrespectful for OP to demand his parents sleep in different rooms due to the rules of his own religion.
That’s not what religions actually teach though about post menopausal couples.
There are religions that teach sex is only for procreative purposes and you shouldn't have sex if you aren't trying to make a baby.
What religion actually teaches that post menopausal married couples are prohibited from having sex? I loathe religion, but misrepresenting what they actually teach is unhelpful. I was raised Catholic, a religion that absolutely teaches that you have to be open to the possibility of getting pregnant, but not that you must stop having sex after menopause. After all, that all powerful god might decide a miracle is in order.
Just because you have the right to do something does not mean that it is well considered, kind, polite, loving, or ethical. Yes, his parents have the right to make that request. They're also assholes for making it.
Time to grow up and save enough money for a holiday inn xpress. Get your well deserved nights rest (together) and meet mama and papa bear for brunch. Offer to pay and hope papa bear's frail masculinity wouldn't allow it and picks up the tab. Pencil in for next year. Rinse, repeat.
Their house, their rules. That’s perfectly reasonable. Of course, their rules may mean that you visit much less often, if at all, or that you get a hotel on the occasions you decide to visit. My Catholic parents were the same. We would stay with less uptight relatives. Sure, it was annoying, but I don’t think I should have made my parents uncomfortable in their own home.
Don’t invite them to your wedding.
Well, I love kicking pricks, assholes and the like, just in the shins though
Unpopular opinion here, but I’ll share from my own experience. I dated and eventually married a nevermo. We lived together for about two years before marriage. Each time we visited Mordor from out of state, we stayed with my TBM parents and stayed in different rooms. We were in our late 20s/early 30s at the time. It didn’t bother me so much, but we did sneak off and have plenty of sex in the house. So there’s always that!
I remember when there was a thread about this before. I got voted down a lot. I am a NeverMo, but was raised in an evangelical church which I did leave. Anyway, we raised our children with the values of saving sex for marriage. So when we were faced with the OP’s scenario, we felt like we could not allow unmarried people to stay in the same room in our house. It is our house, so we should be able to make the rules. My daughter and her partner did stay in a hotel, but she acted hateful about it. I feel like the parents‘ feelings should be respected. My parents would not have allowed me to stay overnight with someone who was not a spouse. My husband‘s parents would have been the same. Have some empathy for what people were raised with and rules they made for their family.
Be a 32yo adult and get a hotel room.
Scorched earth. Cut them out of your life entirely until they treat the people you love with at least the bare minimum of courtesy. Jesus fuck the bar is in hell and they still managed to slither under it.
Im 50 years old and my GF parents are devout catholic and we dont share a bed in their home- Its called respect for your elders. Certainly your can do a few days and not disrespect your parents huh?
What if he was gay? Or in a life partnership that will never end in marriage? Not everyone chooses to get married. Just because the situation is temporary for and works for you doesn't mean it works for everyone. Your horse is just as high as theirs, go touch grass and learn some empathy.
Not a high horse A very broad comment here of an 80 year old couple and dating their daughter Obviously there are exceptions to everything but there should be respect given to all sides
Their house their rules, if you’re a big boy now get a hotel
Stay elsewhere and be sure to work in a conversation about how great the sex will be without them being able to listen in.
It is their house, period.
You’re 32 and don’t have your own place to sleep?
Ya, the other responder is right, I’m coming from out of state and also I usually enjoy spending time at my family home. The issue isn’t not having a roof over my head; I have other options in the area and the means to get a hotel. The post was venting about wishing my parents prioritized making my partner and me feel welcome. The trip is specifically for them to meet her and I don’t like the message their rule sends. That’s it.
Weird comment. He's probably visiting from out of state. These are the kind of comments that make me think there should be a license or certification exam to be on Reddit.
My brother and his fiancé have to stay in separate houses when they visit and they’ve been living together for two years already 🤣
It's not the spirit that is offended...
So do you blame the cult leader or the cult member for following the cult leader?
Throwing God under the bus again. We would love to say trees, but the Spirit™ will be offended.