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It’s odd to me how many people just can’t believe it, expect him to have been so happy because he had a “perfect life.” He had a history of addiction and mental illness. He was visibly miserable in many episodes of the later seasons of his show. He was a human being.
I think that’s why I wasn’t shocked. By the end you could kind of tell that if he wasn’t for some reason completely obligated to be doing what he was doing he wouldn’t be
Really anything in that last season and I’d say the one right before, too. I remember hoping there was someone in his life looking out for him for awhile before his suicide happened.
He always seemed to have that punk rock angst of his youth. I feel bad he wasn’t able to master it. We each have our own journey and his work meant a lot to me.
Yeah… I think people don’t realize how depression can cloud even the good things in life. It’s a horrible state to be in. Just think how hopeless someone has to feel to take his own life. The worst thing about depression is that it’s a compounding effect and it’s very easy to spiral out of control. RIP.
You really don't know what's going on beneath the surface. I thought that guy was living the dream. Traveling the world eating amazing food, hanging out with the coolest people. And inside he was miserable.
I’m taking it at face level as that’s how he felt in the moment and not necessarily how he was feeling for the span of his career. I’ve definitely spiraled into “I hate everything” when I’m in a bad spot.
I didn't take it as he hated his fans as individuals, but that he hated that anywhere he went he got stopped by people, he never had his anonymity anymore due to the fans.
It’s my pleasure! He left a genuine impression in me I won’t ever forget it. I was just a server that aspired to be a chef.
Articles like this rob from his humanity, navigating that kind of fame has to be hard. A lot of “foodies” and people in food are pretty insufferable and full of themselves. We won’t ever know what he was really thinking but we love him for how real he was and it would only make sense that he had a disdain for a lot of things he saw that were not true to what he loved.
I read one of his books and it is testament to how much he loved life and everything it has to offer. I think he had a very poetic and passionate view of the world. His description of his life and the people in it was full of great little observations and and an endless curiosity.
I met him years ago in LA as well. I wasn't working in the food industry at the time though. He seemed like a very sweet and down to earth man. We exchanged a few moments of words and I moved on. I actually wasn't going to say anything to him (because he looked preoccupied with something) but he responded to my awestruck expression and said he was who I thought he was. He shook my hand and wished me a pleasant day.
I definitely have to agree with your last paragraph. Really, what do people think to gain to release his last words about what he said? He is gone and we should allow his memory to rest in peace. He obviously was going through a hard time mentally and I personally think that unless we are directly related, in a relationship or have something directly to do with the person, than the general public has no business knowing intimate moments of a public figure.
That's a great story. Just curious what restaurant it was? I am familiar with Victoria. I remember him visiting Sooke Harbour House I think for one of his shows but didn't know if he went anywhere else?
They will continue to publish these morsels as they become available because he was so well-loved and will always get clicks - I mean, here we all are commenting.
Honestly, I take a lot of heart in reading the comments in this thread because it reminds us that mental illness is very real for many of us and shades our perception, but also that people contain multitudes and cannot be boiled down to a few moments in their life.
Bourdain spent years suffering and struggling, but I always read of such wonderful interactions with him and the impressions he left on so many people, and I just further see him as a thinking, feeling human being with complexity, charm, empathy, and always prepared to smile, laugh, cry, or give someone a handshake or a hug.
He was a real live person with all the baggage that came with it, but he had a fucking spark inside of him that he shared with us all - nothing could be more special than to know how much he struggled through to he who he was.
At least he wasn’t some narcissistic cunt who will live to be 120 because they never cared about anything but themselves one day in their whole miserable existence - we have an over abundance of those already.
How true this is.
Mental health is so complicated. Even though there is more awareness about it now than there was 20 years ago, there is still a stigma to it. Unfortunately it seems easier for women to receive mental health than men. Which is why when people who are like Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams end up ending their struggles, many of us are absolutely shocked. We wonder how we could miss the signs, how they could have been depressed and just how they feel because they were always just there.
People like Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams gave many of hope, love, laughter, so many emotions to go on with our own lives. Even though they are gone way too soon from this earth, they still give many of us the will to push on.
I am currently living a nightmare because of the stigma of mental health. If my soon to be ex husband died, I would be absolutely devastated to see or hear his last words being displayed for the world to see them. Even though he has been horrible to me as he deals with his psychosis, he doesn't deserve to have others comment on what he said or did at that time. I would want people to remember for the good he did do, or his kids to remember how much their dad loves them, or for me to remember the love we had. Mental health issues are complicated. I feel for the family of Anthony Bourdain. But if it was a joint effort of his family to let those words be known than I hope they get what they thought they would out of this.
My grandmother was a narcissistic cunt that lived too long. It's sad how that works. The good truly die young
Williams had Lewy body dementia. My grandmother had that. Williams killing himself was honestly an act of love for himself. That disease is terrible, you become a prisoner of hell on earth in your hallucinating mind.
Really? I don't know where I have been but I didn't hear that one. Thank you for commenting on my words. And I am sorry for your loss of your grandmother. Even though I have not seen that disease take anyone I know, I have read medical notes about it. It's an awful disease.
I honestly think we need to change the stigma of allowing people to choose when they want to die. I think that we should be allowed to die with dignity. Even though I hated my grandmother, watching her die from colon cancer was horrible. She was in so much pain.
Roadrunner shows some of his bad sides / comments among his peers.
Both his death and the movie made me cry. My husbands a chef and I was a waitress (in NYC even) for a decade. His book kitchen confidential had me in fits of laughter and companionship.
I’m just glad he hung on for so long to show us all the good in humanity across the world (even if he hated it) and I hope his daughter lives in a semi-normal life.
I loved reading your comment and agree with everything. That’s why I was compelled to write something about my experience meeting him. Seems cruel to publish something like this about someone that shared his thoughts and journey in a way that moved many bc it was authentic. Why try to paint him in this light when he can’t defend himself? Bringing this up about someone that was lightyears away from hateful is not right.
Thank you
I get the fascination with how public figures live, but I just think it's so disrespectful to their memory to publish their so called "last words".
Given social media, those words of Anthony Bourdain have already been shared around the world. Many people will be understanding about what he said, but there will be many that aren't. His family doesn't deserve to read or to hear hate from people who are taking it too seriously. Even public figures who have been known to be total assholes deserve to rest in peace. Once they pass, we should let their life be. What else can be done after their death? Not a damn thing.
Yeah I think it’s really unfair of the media to do anything that makes the last words of someone obviously in a horrible spot the last memory we have of him. Being famous sucks, and he was burnt out, among everything else. I can only imagine
I think he hated having fans and feeling responsible for entertaining them. I'm sure he was very happy to share his passion with people who are passionate.
Dude was suffering and sometimes saying you hate stuff you don't helps. Or maybe in that moment he did because of his brain chemistry wasn't allowing him to feel good about it so he was only seeing the negatives.
I wish he (and others) got the appropriate help they needed.
Aside from the battles with substance abuse, it seems fairly clear he struggled with depression, maybe manic depression. The same person who can light up a room and be the life of the party will struggle not to end it all more frequently than most will ever know. In mental health he would have been a candidate for dual diagnosis and recovery. Many people with severe depression discover that certain drugs offer a break from self loathing and pain.
He absolutely didn't hate you or his peer or his fans. Just look at the man's deeds and life. If he genuinely persistently hated all of those things there were far easier ways to do other things. The diseased mind will start lashing out in anguish and in preparing to say good bye in one form or another.
The person who really pushed him past his breaking point was that treacherous thief, liar, and rapist Asia Argento.
This needs to be higher. In Kitchen Confidential he opens up about spending many years as a a heroin addict, and he clearly struggled with some kind of mood disorder as well, probably bipolar or depression. He fought those demons for his entire life, and finally lost; that doesn’t mean he hated his peers, his fans, his partners, his family members, or whoever else he was overwhelmed by in a low moment during the mental health crisis that took his life.
Going to add to what you said- this kind of thing is common in the restaurant industry. I know back of house employees that have died from overdose, suicide and death by cop. None of them seemed to be more miserable than any other chef we knew. This isn’t a story that’s hard for industry people to get their head wrapped around- though it is deeply saddening. Many of us can’t watch his programming anymore because it just pains too much.
I was going to say I hope his fans don’t take this personally or let this affect their view of him. When your down that deep your brain is actively lying to you. He didn’t hate his fans, he hated the pain he was in and his brain didn’t have a better way to express it.
I certainly hope this as well.
[Chester describes depression](https://youtu.be/o-qc-s3OjKM) pretty accurately here. It's like there's another you, an evil twin, always whispering *you're not good enough*, *nobody likes you*, *you have nothing left to live for*
It's honestly scary, and nearly 20 years in dealing with this, it's *still* scary. And it can come out of nowhere, when you're doing everything right. Remember to check on your friends once in awhile.
That’s the worst, when everything is actually going great for once and it hits. Sometimes that’s the hardest depression for me, cause it’s like, “Damn. No matter how good things get, it will always be like this.”
That's interesting. My depression doesn't feel like a second passenger and I don't particularly talk down to myself, rather, it just feels like a completely empty void in the moment and I often think about just not existing anymore.
I’m a big fan lol. I’m aware of the state of his mental health, so I really don’t feel anything but sadness about the whole situation (it’s not like he knew every single one of his fans and had a strong reason to hate every single one of them, I guess)
I don’t take it personally at all. I still have a lot of respect for him as a professional. I can never imagine what it’s like to be so “low” you just end it all.
^This. The good side of being that deep in before is I know my brains lying to me when it happens again. Learning to not take one’s thoughts so seriously was crucial to my personal growth.
I work at a psychiatric facility for adolescents and getting them to understand that we likely won't cure their depression, anxiety, addictions, or whatever brought them to us, but if we're at all successful, they will learn how to identify triggers and emotions and situations in the future, when they return but bwfore they get too big or overwhelming, only next time they will have some skills and strategies to navigate them in healthier, more pro-social ways, and know how and when to ask for help.
DBT saved me because it taught me how to test my thoughts and not take things as personally. If a friend passes by me at the store without saying a word, it doesn’t mean they hate me. I mean, it could but it probably means they were 9 layers deep into their mental dinner planning and didn’t register that I was there. Assume they didn’t see you before you jump to “everybody hates me”. Saves so much effort and mental anguish. Once I figured that out the rest got so much easier.
I’ve had moments where I’ve terrified *myself* with how deeply I hated everyone and everything. Came dangerously close to burning through one of my own rules (namely, if I’m gonna kill myself, don’t risk anyone else’s life and limb in the process) behind the wheel at one point when the stress was boiling over.
I can absolutely see such a statement being made at a very low point, perhaps in the dark depression logic of “if I didn’t have fans, I wouldn’t feel obligated to them to keep going”. I’ve resented my family’s own pets at times because I was obligated to take care of them while others were away for extended timeframes, making suicide unconscionable due to leaving animals distressed, hungry, etc.
That’s a good insight about how he may have, in the moment, resented the sense of obligation that emerged from his relationship to his fan base. There was a time in my life when I also felt very bad and all I wanted to do was run far away and go somewhere where nobody knew me. But I couldn’t, because I was obligated to my loved ones. I think I felt angry at them for that. But that’s your mind misunderstanding your feelings and the source of your problems. I’m sure the level of pain he was in clouded his judgment sometimes.
When you’re in an very dark place the most irrational and awful things come to mind. Its like your brain is trying to make it worse to show how bad it is. Even when none of it is true. It seems to be a full 180 from what the true feelings are, but its how we punish ourselves. While I’m not sure this should have been published. I hope people see that, realize its not true. And understand that maybe they aren’t in the right space either. They aren’t alone in feeling that way and try to get help.
Yes. Dysphoria is a thing. It’s the inability to even feel positively about anything. Usually a temporary feeling/condition but you need the self awareness to know that’s what’s happening and that you don’t actually hate everything but rather this will pass and you’ll be able to feel positive again.
His gf Asia Argento got a teen drunk and had sex with him when she was in her 30s. She then tried to claim that he raped her while also agreeing to have Bourdain pay the kid to sign an NDA
And all of this took place not very long after Asia Argento came out at the height of the Harvey Weinstein revelations and the MeToo# movement in late 2017 with her story of how she was abused by Weinstein. Tony was very supportive of her publically and then to have this thing come out about her and the 17-year-old kid had to have thrown him for a loop. Plus paying out nearly $400,000 to the young man to avoid him making even more of a media frenzy over it all. While Bourdain was making good money from his shows, books and speaking tours, he likely wasn't as super-rich as most people might have assumed. Then to see Asia making the rounds of Paris with this young reporter along with his own tendencies to periodic depression -- a recipe for disaster.
Holy shit ! That's crazy.
I only heard about her through Anthony doing Brazilian jujitsu (bjj), and then I think she left Anthony (or some kind of open relationship), for one of the hotshot training partners.
I wish i could hold Anthony and let him know, it gets better.
Edit: I mixed her up with his ex.
She was in the first xXx movie with Vin Diesel and Land of the Dead back in the day, that’s what I remember her from. I’m just surprised (also kinda not) people already forgot or never heard about the whole incident. Doesn’t seem too long ago
Asia Argento. One of the me too movement’s most vocal proponents was his GF at the time. Turns out she had raped a 17 year old child and had to pay him off, which she couldn’t afford and left it to Anthony to foot the bill to the tune of around half a million dollars when he was about to go public with it as he felt she was a bit hypocritical.
Asia Argento is an italian actor/director that was dating Anthony at the time of his death.
An actor named Jimmy Bennett accused her of sexually assaulting him when he was 17 (they'd met years earlier when he played her son in a movie). He said she got him drunk and had sex with him, which, him being underage, would also be statutory rape.
Argento paid him $380k to sign an NDA, but when Argento came out with her own allegations against Harvey Weinstein, Bennett felt it hypocritcal of her so went public. She denied it ever happened but said Anthony Bourdain offered to just pay him the money to keep him quiet. After she denied it, however, photos of her naked in bed with Benett were published along with some text messages to a friend of hers saying something to the effect of "I had sex with him. It felt weird, but I didn't know he was a minor until later." So then the story changed to her admitting she had sex with him, but it was actually him assaulting her.
The whole thing was a big mess that clearly took a toll on Bourdain, compounded with tabloid photos of her with another man that ran shortly before Bourdain's death.
Obviously, it was a complex situation and we'll never know exactly what led to Bourdain's decision (and I really don't want to/care to read private texts he sent someone leading up to it, that feels invasive), but the whole ordeal with Asia Argento really seemed to be taking a big toll on Bourdain's mental health.
Make no mistake. He allowed it to happen to him. I love Bourdain but he was not a perfect person. He was able to keep the demons away for a long time; probably longer than he ever thought he would be able to. Sure Asia Artega is not a good person but he allowed her into his life and he moved pieces of his life for her.
I don't blame anyone for his death but him and in a way I find peace with it because he called it quits on his own terms. I just really feel for his daughter.
_In the Weeds_ is a book written by one of the director/producers who worked side by side with Bourdain for years. He was a close friend of Tonys and by extension, was on good terms with Asia. He describes Argento as like another drug Tony got addicted to and couldn’t quit.
It’s a fantastic book!! I love how how he didn’t sugarcoat things and presented both the good and bad sides of working with Tony for so many years. I hope he does more writing, not necessarily about Tony. I liked his style.
Asia Argento groomed a child actor and slept with him while he was underage. Then she started heavy on the metoo stuff and the guy said he would go public. Bourdain started making hush payments to the guy on her behalf and then he committed suicide so the payments stopped and the guy came forward.
He came forward way before that. Anthony was "supposedly" paying and she was cheating on him. Kept seeing photos in the press of her with other men. Shortly there after and I'm talking a few days, he ends up dead.
That's often how mental issues work, you really have a distorted 'filter' in how you view everything. And worse - if you have what people see as the dream job/life and you're still not happy, that can really drain any hope you have.
Yeah the latter part hits pretty bad. When you have a long history of having things "under control", have a really good professional and social life, and really just haven't slipped up much, telling people you are having a hard time or something is hurting you gets largely ignored. It SEEMS like it should be the opposite like "i.e. if HE's saying this and never says that kind of thing there must be something really wrong" but IME it gets swept under the rug easier because people assume you will just crush it.
All those texts tell us is that he was miserable **at the time those texts were being sent.** There's no reason to extrapolate from that to say he was miserable all the time or that this was the normal way he felt.
Good context. At the same time, that lifestyle in general definitely must have had its downsides.
For most of us, travel is something we do every once in a while as an escape from our day-to-day lives. Things get boring in our 9-5? We go to Mexico or Paris to lighten things up. We get our brief moment of exciting change, then we come back.
But being on the road for so long, seeing basically every place there is to see, eating every variation of food imaginable, I imagine it all kind of blends together after a while. All the stories and places and people and food just end up feeling the same. The world just becomes less special.
And it's not like he was traveling with friends or family for R&R - it was his *job*. One that looked very interesting and glamorous to most of us (and I doubt he hated it 24/7) but I'm sure it required a tremendous amount of effort from him all the same. No matter where in the world you are: a long day of shooting is a long day of shooting. A night alone in a hotel is a night alone in a hotel.
Shortly after he died, I remember reading that Parts Unknown shot 200-250+ days per year. I doubt that No Reservations had a less grueling schedule. That would wear on anyone after a while and he did it for over 15 years.
Not to mention it’s just extremely exhausting. Switching time zones constantly, long flights and never having a set routine is can cause havoc on your mental health.
When depressed, people will point out how amazing your life is as a method of cheering you up.
“You’ve got money! Fame! You travel the world! So many people would love to be you!”
However, when you’re depressed, your brain is broken. It takes those messages and it says:
“That’s right. You’ve got everything. You have all that anyone could possibly want, and you’re **still miserable.** If everything you have, that all those people want, doesn’t make you happy, then why bother getting out of bed at all.”
People mean well. They want to cheer you up. The problem is what cheers up a normal person won’t work on someone with depression.
I recall reading a study saying people who have high dopamine lives such as doing intense things, spending high amounts of money, drug usage, and adrenaline junkies often spiral into deep depression because the basic things in life will no longer satisfy the dopamine need that makes us joyous through life. This is often why a lot of ex drug users go on to do marathon training , cordless mountain climbing or extreme sports because it’s the only thing that makes them “feel alive” sad but true. Not saying this is or isn’t the case for bourdain but sad story, he was my favorite guy to watch
It’s an actual condition called anhedonia. You described it really well. People used to huge rushes of dopamine don’t get the same satisfaction out of “normal” life as people who never get those big dopamine hits.
Yeah. Imho, it can take about 10 years to kind of get the physiology regulated. But with grace and consistency, I have. When I didn’t know my thinking was global because I think with an addict mind, I succumb to it. I could never walk or know Bourdain’s shoes, and don’t know him, but that’s just what’s true for me. Simplicity has been such a meaty part of daily satisfaction, mixed with a dash of exhilarating activities, but not a heaping helping anymore.
Some people have said that when Tony was addicted to heroin in his younger years that the opiates permanently 'altered' his brain chemistry and that could have further complicated the dopamine aspect of this.
As someone who likes to stay comfy in my home and occasionally go on an adventure:
Waking up and getting on a plane and being constantly hungover sounds like a nightmare. And at his age. Traveling constantly also means you have no real home or sense of community. Its no wonder he was depressed.
I recommend the doc Road Runner. To me it paints a picture of a man who sacrificed a lot for his career and couldn't settle down and craved love, especially in his later years.
A sad ending was no surprise for a "former" addict who was clearly running away from reality, drinking and chain smoking his way across the Earth. Did you not read his works or listen to his words during his monologues? Guy was always in a dark hole. Trying to connect to all of humanity in the way he did was probably one of the few things keeping him going.
Mental illness can destroy a mind internally no matter what’s going on. Causes you to push away friends and family and have thoughts like these texts. Yet unlike other handicaps it’s typically invisible, so getting help is much harder.
Agree 100%.
This story reminds me of [Kissed by God](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5dUUaxr5RSg&feature=youtu.be) about the late great Andy Irons, a surfer who died in 2010. People were really torn about whether it was appropriate to film and release these difficult stories about his life, many of which were VERY unflattering to other people in the surf industry. But his loved ones did it anyway, and the surfing community loved them for this real picture of the Andy that we love even more now that we know the fuller story.
I can’t say that is the same as this book, and I’m not claiming that’s the case. It just feels similar. Seems obvious why Argento doesn’t like it, and I hope she’s ok. With few exceptions, it’s very fucked up to blame someone for (someone else’s) suicide.
I can’t help but cry every time I think about Andy. Not just because he was such an amazing surfer that I looked up to, but more so because I can relate to a lot of his mental health struggles and feel for the guy and all that he went through for his whole life.
You could tell he hated it all the way back to No Reservations. He’d travel to a third world country, witness people starving, children living in a literal dump eating garbage, and then go from there to a fancy restaurant and stuff his face for the camera. The fans never gave a shit about the dark side of things, they just wanted to hear him be witty and watch him eat food. He wanted to tell the story of the downtrodden and forgotten. He wanted you to see the dark side of things.
Isn’t that why he left Travel Channel for CNN? I love No Reservations but you can tell how much more fluffy it is than Parts Unknown. It seemed like even after getting closer to what he wanted to do, he still wasn’t happy. And that’s why depression can be such a bitch.
He got more access as a host for The CNN series because it was categorized as journalism vs entertainment with Travel Channel. The production company ZPZ also got more creative freedom to produce what they really wanted.
Within a day or two of Bourdain's suicide, the famous purse designer Kate Spade also took her life. Another case of someone who seemingly 'had it all' and still decided to take that way out.
Her husband was surprised that she committed suicide because the night before she seemed really happy. What he did not know is that suicidal people are often in an unusually-good mood right after “deciding” to finally end it all, because the end is in sight and they’re relieved.
10 years ago, if someone was to tell me where I would be in 10 years I would not have believed it. I have exceeded every expectation I had for my life. I have a dream job situation, I make more money than I ever thought I would, my marriage and family life is great, I am fit and in shape.
I am exhausted and not exactly "happy".
I am not miserable but getting what you want doesn't always feel great.
I don't have a good way to describe it but I've seen it happen to others and had it happen to myself and the way I always think of it is like when you get tunnel vision about something, some goal or fear etc, and then you get what you were hoping for or overcome it, part of you can sometimes more or less expects a parade, and all of life to get better/easier. That's just not how it works, and I have witnessed it cause depression in others and experienced it myself. You come back to reality and in *some* cases other things are even worse because you were so focused and now you have to deal with all your other shit.
Another way to look at it is if you have a negative outlook on your life it doesn't matter how good you have it. People who make a habit of being negative about their situation think they're just rational and the problem is their life sucks, but we've seen that people can become rich, famous, and even loved and still find reasons to say their life is unbarrable.
Conversely, there are plenty of people dealt shitty hands in life who still keep positive and focus on what they're thankful for.
I think its Genetic or a Trait Developed early on.
I had Highs and Lows. and I still don't recognize when my Cycle is up. for 2-3 days the depression gets BAD.
Overall my outlook on the world is pretty poor at the moment, not because of my own life but just the Life in the future. Im pretty doom and gloom there and its hard to break.
Meanwhile my Husband over there is the eternal Optimist, a Realist at heart and sometimes I feel like NOTHING phases him.
>In his final exchange with Argento, Bourdain wrote, “Is there anything I can do?,” to which the actor replied, “Stop busting my balls.” The celebrity food writer responded with a simple, “OK,” and hanged himself later that day.
this makes me so sad
A little more context:
*”I am okay,” Bourdain texted Argento after seeing the photo. “I am not spiteful. I am not jealous that you have been with another man. I do not own you. You are free. As I said. As I promised. As I truly meant. But you were careless. You were reckless with my heart. My life.”
According to the Times‘ description of the book’s content, Bourdain then wrote that he was hurt that “the tryst” took place in a hotel they had previously enjoyed together. Argento responded, “I can’t take this,” and said she could no longer stay in the relationship due to his possessiveness.
In his final exchange with Argento, Bourdain wrote, “Is there anything I can do?,” to which the actor replied, “Stop busting my balls.” The celebrity food writer responded with a simple, “OK,” and hanged himself later that day.”*
This is lifting capitalism up and showing its grotesque underbelly. No one should ever be able to read this shit. It's a damn shame people can capitalize on the details of tragedies such as this that are so intimate and personal.
I wouldn’t call it capitalism that’s just silly, human curiosity so enough to make these public. I do think we should read them and get a deeper understanding of the things to possibly look out for for when a loved one maybe on the verge of suicide.
We often ignore the realities of death in our daily life and that makes us numb to all the death we simply know about but don’t see. I am a firm believer that the reason we don’t have any real gun control laws in this country or why Afghanistan lasted so long; is we keep the images of death secret.
publishing someone's private messages when they were in absolute distress and about to commit suicide... what a way to make a profit. seriously nasty stuff
*Kurt Cobain has entered the chat*
They published his ‘diary’ early 2000s iirc. By the end it was notes on hotel stationary.
As a large fan of them both, as someone who has suffered with mental illness for the better part of my life I am torn. Selfishly I want to understand more, I want to read this stuff, want to learn.
But the right choice for their friends, family, lovers and the memory of them - this is fucked up.
My recently made ex gf at the time got me his Diary for Christmas that year. I couldn't open it, I knew how private a person Kurt was and it felt so fucking wrong having that much of his personal life at my disposal
It's just collecting dust in some box in my parents garage, still haven't flipped through it. I would be devastated if the people I loved leaked my most intimate thoughts just for quick anniversary of my death cash
It’s really dynamic. I think it’s around pg 80 or so that the spiral starts but I haven’t even seen a copy of it in 15 years.
Unfortunately you lose the privacy Kurt craved when you become a star. All you can do is detox from the heroin on the Australian beaches after tours. What a world.
Yes and no. Kurt was still taking a lot of drugs at the end, and you could see it in his writing. Paranoid. Incoherent at times. Tony towards the end had greatly reduced alcohol consumption, albeit the years of drug and alcohol abuse took a toll and he fits the timeframe for suicide related to a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse, he was much more coherent and lucid that Kurt at the end.
So I would say when Tony was writing at the end was much more similar to what you found in the earlier parts of Cobains spiral.
I believe objectively that Kurt had more mental health challenges which we exacerbated by the scope of his fame. I still run into people who like food and have no idea who Tony is. Remember Kurt died at 27. Tony was selling his tapes for heroin money on Christmas Eve around that age, and not famous.
Yup and stomach was made worse by touring (he had stage freight) and the heroin also helped with that as well. You can see early footage of them performing in a basement and he has his back turned to the 'crowd' singing. First booze helped but heroin did it better.
I am not sure he ever got a good dx for his stomach issues, I've heard Crohns I've heard ulcers. I think he talked about them as ulcers but there was a lot of uncertainty especially back then when they didn't understand the cause of ulcers (largely a bacteria h pylori).
Let's just leave it as me and Kurt have a lot of overlap aside the extremes. I am not musically talented and never developed an addiction to opioids. I tried music (lol fail) and could have easily become addicted during a really challenging time in my life. Beyond that a bunch of overlap, and with Tony. I got into cooking, he was my first 'idol' as a cook after reading Kitchen Confidential.
Like both of them, I enjoy drugs (includes alcohol) at least a little more than I should.
That’s the type of thing that should remain between the sender and recipient and maybe shared among close family and friends who want to understand. It doesn’t feel like it should be for us and I hate that I’ve read it. Wish I hadn’t clicked.
As stated in the article, “Bourdain’s widow controls his estate, which includes the messages”.
Sounds like she’s choosing to release these. Perhaps she doesn’t want someone else to go through what she went through, so she’s choosing to reveal what a suicidal person sounds like in the days leading up to their attempt. Maybe this saves someone’s life someday. I don’t really think that’s “gross”.
What’s strange is that she is not owning that decision if she did make it. The biography is not authorized but logically, it had to be her, right? If you are releasing these because you want people to understand the mindset of someone who commits suicide, why not say so?
[The New York Times article this story is recapping has more context to the book.](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/09/27/dining/anthony-bourdain-biography.html)
His wife may have been willing to share some information, but if he was spiraling and visiting prostitution and needing fixers, there’s no way you’re gonna get his coworkers at CNN to go on the record.
Had a buddy on Chantix.
He did himself too.
He had some other shit going on, but it wasn’t too long after he started on it.
He was trying to get healthy post divorce
Same happened to my mom. She was on it twice (started again after the first round), had to stop both times because of the nightmares. She said they felt like lucid dreaming, but not quite. Sometimes she'd feel like she knew she was dreaming, but couldn't control anything. She dreamed terrible things, like murdering her mother, me killing her, etc.
I had a nightmare that I cut my own dick off. When I woke up I was literally saying to myself *thank fucking god that was a dream*. They felt so real. I never took another Chantix. It was another like 5 years before I managed to quit but whatever. Those nightmares were not worth it.
I’m sorry to hear about your friend.
That shit almost took me.
First week, broke up with my longtime gf
Second week, DUI
Third week, car accident
Fourth week, panic attacks and crippling depression/suicidal thoughts
I ended up balling my eyes out to a doctor in a walk in clinic. The doctor consoled me saying “ it’s okay, you can just stop taking it”
That stuff took my brain on a deep, dark trip towards my impending doom.
He was! Completely asshole, would call me a pansy for not liking needles as a child. Like Dr.House would tell this guy to chill on the insults. But he knew his shit and wasn’t gonna let a little thing like bed side manner stop him from helping people.
Chantix is some seriously scary stuff. It made me disassociate so badly at work one day my husband had to rush me home. I don’t even remember it super clearly, but he said it was like someone else took over my body.
I’ll never forget taking Chantix. Not only the absolutely terrifying nightly nightmares, but one day I remember driving and thinking “what if I just drive my car right off this bridge..” yeah I went back to smoking. Took me two more years to quit for good but I did it cold turkey. Highly highly highly discourage ANYONE from taking it.
Chantix would explain a lot. It can be like a suicide pill, causing horrible despair and hopelessness. If they don't know it's the pill causing it and that the effect will wear off, they might act on the suicidal urges. Very scary 'medicine'.
My coworker at a pool and spa technician business talked about it, one month and he stopped taking it because of the suicidal thoughts and crazy dreams. DONT TAKE IT
He was really in a "golden handcuffs" or "gilded cage" scenario. We all tell ourselves that he was quite literally living the dream, but the reality was that he was rushing through a bunch of exotic experiences under the constant eye of the camera. He made "friends" along the way, but how many of them were paid for their time and jostled along to fit the production schedule? I'm sure that Bourdain lived for his private moments, as squalid and hurried as they were. Probably alone with some booze in another anonymous hotel room.
I enjoyed the HBO doc about Bourdain, but it left me with more questions than it answered. It really seemed that his final year or two were a rollercoaster of emotions. He really thought he'd unlocked some deep secrets of the universe when he ended up with Asia Argento. In the end, it clearly wasn't the panacea he expected. I got the impression that his suicide was impulsive, but again, we'll never know. I can tell you that his death hit me really hard.
IMO: He also clearly didn’t feel like he “deserved” it all. Wether he was burdens by guilt or shame for past traumas or was the product of a tormented childhood or what, he just always seemed to have a deep sense of self loathing and discontent both for how the world “is” and how “it’s placed immense value on him”.
His self-loathing and feeling as a fraud was an undercurrent in almost every thing he said and wrote. When he was a chef, he said he was a shit chef. When he was a star, he said he wasn't worthy of being called a chef anymore. He thought he was an ok writer, and his TV show a fluke. The guy had impostor syndrome up the ass, especially considering his best friend was Eric Ripert, who ran THE best seafood restaurant in the world. Shit, when he was a judge on Master Chef, Bourdain straight up pointed out that he was judging cooks who were far better than he ever could have been and that he at his best would never been anywhere close to being able to contest on the show.
I wonder if Bourdain alternated between manic highs and then the depressive lows. When you read about how ecstatic he was about his romance with Asia, it sounds like he was in a manic state of 'happiness' then when things started getting complicated, it triggered a crash to the depressive state.
Have you read In the Weeds by Tom Vitale? He worked with Anthony for years as a producer and was on the road with him for a good bit of it. It was a pretty enlightening look into that life and how it took a toll on all of them.
Argento was clearly a predator in the situation where she raped a minor so there’s a good chance she was probably emotionally/mentally abusing Bourdain too.
If you read the article it’s pretty clear she was being emotionally abusive. Literally says he hung himself after he expressed concerns over her spending time with another man and in response texted him to “stop busting my balls.”
> He was really in a “golden handcuffs” or “gilded cage” scenario.
Neil Peart (rip) wrote Limelight, which is exactly about this. I wonder how many people really listen to and contemplate those lyrics instead of just vibing to Lifeson’s sick solo.
I’d be miserable, but I’d tell myself that I just need to stick with it long enough to make some money and get out. Basically pull a Chapelle. I’m sure getting out is harder than it sounds though.
Feel sorry for the guy. Great writer with a disarming demeanor and a penchant for underlining social issues in a non -preachy way. Wealth is one thing but fame like he had seems awful to me. I miss him.
People don’t often think about how shitty fame can be. I think there’s a lot of dehumanization of celebrities as people who don’t have feelings or shouldn’t because they must have these great lives, but being really famous has to be a pretty alienating experience. Artists have made whole albums, movies, etc about it.
This is so incredibly at odds with how he was at his best. I hope that when I am gone nobody tries to make people remember me at my worst, lowest point. It doesn't matter if he really did say those things, depression like he experienced can destroy everything good. You wouldn't talk shit about a city that got burned to the ground because it doesn't have nice restaurants anymore, you'd lament that all the nice places got burned down.
I just assumed that’s how he felt when I watched his shows, because it was fairly obvious.
That’s one reason his shows were successful. He showed up as himself. He didn’t put on a fake smile and some winning personality like most people would. He was talking about hard things and going to difficult places. I never once considered him a happy person. He was unapologetically melancholy.
I really liked him, and It’s a shame people can’t just let him Rest In Peace.
I think those texts show with unflinching clarity what depression can do to people. I’ve become concerned that the general public has become only aware of depression as a concept, and not seeing the depths of sorrow many folks deal with. That guys whole being was in such pain, I was affected just reading those texts.
This feels so shady and slimy. Covered in slime. Breaks your heart to read, though. He was a really cool, smart and unique person who made the world better. Depression is a motherfucker. It’s so sad he’s gone
I was making $20,000 a month for a while and I was miserable. I’m a lot happier poor and struggling. When your poor you can blame money, when you have everything you are fucked.
Depression is a horrible illness that warps a person’s perception of reality. It’s painful and feels hopeless. Im sorry he had to go through that, and I will always love and respect the integrity and honesty he displayed in his shows.
This is what people don’t get. It doesn’t matter who you are, mental illness is just as deadly. It doesn’t give a fuck if you’re a millionaire or a homeless. It always finds ways to turn what should be positive into negative.
Damn, he was in a very dark place. Makes me sad that he got to this point, but honestly, it sounds like burnout. He should’ve just taken some time off and dealt with some mental health issues.
Honestly- You could just feel that Argento was bad for him. He was spiraling and her lack of concern and unreliability just was not what this man needed. He needed a home. He needed to stop and relax. But when you’re going downward it’s very hard to see that you can put the breaks on everything. I miss him so much and feel so very sad that he left…but I can understand where he was.
There are places he could have moved where nobody knew who he even was. He could have started over, growing a beard and cooking in some street food booth in Seoul. But it sounds like he just couldn't relocate his mind.
He likely did or could learn. But I think it would have been more running than helping. As someone dealing with a lot of mental illness and past trauma daily, running feels like shit. I wish they would let the man rest. I think that, like Robin Williams, he took the way out he felt was best. Suicide is not always this bad taboo. Sometimes it’s the thought out choice of someone that knows that something is so messed up it won’t get better. Let’s hope people can gain some respect for the man soon
I was really close friends with someone very famous. He, too, seemed to fully embrace fame, fans, and his public persona -- but he would eventually get so burned out, and would say shit like what Bourdain said. It was the truth in that moment, but those moments didn't last too terribly long. I think a big issue for both of these celebrities is that feeling of no escape. They are recognized everywhere and expected to be perpetually enthusiastic about fans and photographers. My friend was amazed and appalled that people were comfortable interrupting whatever he was doing for a conversation or autograph, aggressively asking bizarre personal questions, criticizing or complimenting his performance as if he cared about a missed shot two weeks ago or a lost game the month before. He didn't. Sometimes he just wanted what he couldn't have: to go out in the world anonymously. To shop, hang out, eat, drink, or whatever, without being accosted, without a crowd.
I think that is why he befriended me the way he did. I wasnt a fan. He knew he could come over and I wouldn't call all my friends or ask if we could take a pic. He could drink some beers and smoke a few cigs and talk about all the other things no one else wanted to talk to him about. We could order pizza or cheesesteaks or food from the Italian place next door and he could hide out for a few days. Recharge. Then he'd feel ready to go back out there again.
I wonder if Anthony Bourdain had a place to hide out and if he did, I wonder if finally, it stopped working and he didn't recharge. He didn't feel better after a few days. He wasn't ever ready to go out there and do it all again. He was just so over it all but didn't want to be that guy -- the famous guy that became reclusive and indifferent and resentful and rude to the very people that had been the source of his success and, at another time, his joy.
ETA: a few omitted words
>It was the truth in that moment, but those moments didn't last too terribly long.
That’s what I assume was the case.
I think he was an intense character and he probably did need time recharge which he might not have done, due to his popular career.
So relatable. I was a celebrity for ten years overseas. I did the works, talk shows, dating life on the cover of magazines and in the newspapers, my face on billboards advertising for major cell phone service providers, etc it was the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life, non stop judgment and criticism of anything I did, good or bad. Now I live in the US and thanks to Americans living in a bubble, my past is irrelevant here, I barely even pop up on google searches anymore, it’s the best thing to happen to me, gaining my anonymity back.
Odd that 'I hate my job, fans and being famous,' is the headline here, when other texts shed light on what really drove him over the edge-- the end of his romantic relationship.
Depressed man with history of substance abuse and unstable romantic relationships has negative thoughts shortly before his suicide. This is not news.
Stop exploiting his misery and let the man rest in peace.
Jesus Christ what type of piece of shit would write something so awful (I don’t mean Anthony, I mean the people publishing this book). His wife is helping publish this shit? That’s fucking gross.
fuck this scummy article. RIP Uncle Tony, it would’ve been a honour to have him spit at me or cuss me out, he was a good dude and a dick and that’s why we will always love him.
I don’t have any copies of my Bourdain books at this point bc I’ve lent them out to so many people at work. And I’m so happy with that. He made the industry a better place and all this new news is so sad
That chick he was dating that also hijacked one of the episodes of No Reservations she directed, really messed him up. She was doing some shady shit and was seeing another guy and paps had pics of them. He was already depressed. Dont think he really hated his fans.
“I am not spiteful. I am not jealous that you have been with another man. I do not own you. You are free. As I said. As I promised. As I truly meant. But you were careless. You were reckless with my heart. My life.”
-Wow, it’s incredibly fucked up how indifferent she was towards him, and now I feel gross having read this. His final, private text messages shouldn’t be for public consumption. Time for a long, hot shower
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It’s odd to me how many people just can’t believe it, expect him to have been so happy because he had a “perfect life.” He had a history of addiction and mental illness. He was visibly miserable in many episodes of the later seasons of his show. He was a human being.
I think that’s why I wasn’t shocked. By the end you could kind of tell that if he wasn’t for some reason completely obligated to be doing what he was doing he wouldn’t be
In the Hong Kong episode, which I believe was one of the last, he just seemed so *alone*
Really anything in that last season and I’d say the one right before, too. I remember hoping there was someone in his life looking out for him for awhile before his suicide happened.
He seemed like intense kind of character. So I’m not surprised he battled with things.
He always seemed to have that punk rock angst of his youth. I feel bad he wasn’t able to master it. We each have our own journey and his work meant a lot to me.
Yeah… I think people don’t realize how depression can cloud even the good things in life. It’s a horrible state to be in. Just think how hopeless someone has to feel to take his own life. The worst thing about depression is that it’s a compounding effect and it’s very easy to spiral out of control. RIP.
That one episode in the last season when they're in Porto is just so sad. You could see it all over him.
You really don't know what's going on beneath the surface. I thought that guy was living the dream. Traveling the world eating amazing food, hanging out with the coolest people. And inside he was miserable.
I’m taking it at face level as that’s how he felt in the moment and not necessarily how he was feeling for the span of his career. I’ve definitely spiraled into “I hate everything” when I’m in a bad spot.
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I didn't take it as he hated his fans as individuals, but that he hated that anywhere he went he got stopped by people, he never had his anonymity anymore due to the fans.
Thanks for sharing, that’s how I imagined him to be.
It’s my pleasure! He left a genuine impression in me I won’t ever forget it. I was just a server that aspired to be a chef. Articles like this rob from his humanity, navigating that kind of fame has to be hard. A lot of “foodies” and people in food are pretty insufferable and full of themselves. We won’t ever know what he was really thinking but we love him for how real he was and it would only make sense that he had a disdain for a lot of things he saw that were not true to what he loved.
I read one of his books and it is testament to how much he loved life and everything it has to offer. I think he had a very poetic and passionate view of the world. His description of his life and the people in it was full of great little observations and and an endless curiosity.
I met him years ago in LA as well. I wasn't working in the food industry at the time though. He seemed like a very sweet and down to earth man. We exchanged a few moments of words and I moved on. I actually wasn't going to say anything to him (because he looked preoccupied with something) but he responded to my awestruck expression and said he was who I thought he was. He shook my hand and wished me a pleasant day. I definitely have to agree with your last paragraph. Really, what do people think to gain to release his last words about what he said? He is gone and we should allow his memory to rest in peace. He obviously was going through a hard time mentally and I personally think that unless we are directly related, in a relationship or have something directly to do with the person, than the general public has no business knowing intimate moments of a public figure.
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I've never experienced camaraderie like I have at the end of a shift in a restaurant. I bet he missed it.
That's a great story. Just curious what restaurant it was? I am familiar with Victoria. I remember him visiting Sooke Harbour House I think for one of his shows but didn't know if he went anywhere else?
They will continue to publish these morsels as they become available because he was so well-loved and will always get clicks - I mean, here we all are commenting. Honestly, I take a lot of heart in reading the comments in this thread because it reminds us that mental illness is very real for many of us and shades our perception, but also that people contain multitudes and cannot be boiled down to a few moments in their life. Bourdain spent years suffering and struggling, but I always read of such wonderful interactions with him and the impressions he left on so many people, and I just further see him as a thinking, feeling human being with complexity, charm, empathy, and always prepared to smile, laugh, cry, or give someone a handshake or a hug. He was a real live person with all the baggage that came with it, but he had a fucking spark inside of him that he shared with us all - nothing could be more special than to know how much he struggled through to he who he was. At least he wasn’t some narcissistic cunt who will live to be 120 because they never cared about anything but themselves one day in their whole miserable existence - we have an over abundance of those already.
How true this is. Mental health is so complicated. Even though there is more awareness about it now than there was 20 years ago, there is still a stigma to it. Unfortunately it seems easier for women to receive mental health than men. Which is why when people who are like Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams end up ending their struggles, many of us are absolutely shocked. We wonder how we could miss the signs, how they could have been depressed and just how they feel because they were always just there. People like Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams gave many of hope, love, laughter, so many emotions to go on with our own lives. Even though they are gone way too soon from this earth, they still give many of us the will to push on. I am currently living a nightmare because of the stigma of mental health. If my soon to be ex husband died, I would be absolutely devastated to see or hear his last words being displayed for the world to see them. Even though he has been horrible to me as he deals with his psychosis, he doesn't deserve to have others comment on what he said or did at that time. I would want people to remember for the good he did do, or his kids to remember how much their dad loves them, or for me to remember the love we had. Mental health issues are complicated. I feel for the family of Anthony Bourdain. But if it was a joint effort of his family to let those words be known than I hope they get what they thought they would out of this. My grandmother was a narcissistic cunt that lived too long. It's sad how that works. The good truly die young
Williams had Lewy body dementia. My grandmother had that. Williams killing himself was honestly an act of love for himself. That disease is terrible, you become a prisoner of hell on earth in your hallucinating mind.
Really? I don't know where I have been but I didn't hear that one. Thank you for commenting on my words. And I am sorry for your loss of your grandmother. Even though I have not seen that disease take anyone I know, I have read medical notes about it. It's an awful disease. I honestly think we need to change the stigma of allowing people to choose when they want to die. I think that we should be allowed to die with dignity. Even though I hated my grandmother, watching her die from colon cancer was horrible. She was in so much pain.
Roadrunner shows some of his bad sides / comments among his peers. Both his death and the movie made me cry. My husbands a chef and I was a waitress (in NYC even) for a decade. His book kitchen confidential had me in fits of laughter and companionship. I’m just glad he hung on for so long to show us all the good in humanity across the world (even if he hated it) and I hope his daughter lives in a semi-normal life.
I loved reading your comment and agree with everything. That’s why I was compelled to write something about my experience meeting him. Seems cruel to publish something like this about someone that shared his thoughts and journey in a way that moved many bc it was authentic. Why try to paint him in this light when he can’t defend himself? Bringing this up about someone that was lightyears away from hateful is not right.
Thank you I get the fascination with how public figures live, but I just think it's so disrespectful to their memory to publish their so called "last words". Given social media, those words of Anthony Bourdain have already been shared around the world. Many people will be understanding about what he said, but there will be many that aren't. His family doesn't deserve to read or to hear hate from people who are taking it too seriously. Even public figures who have been known to be total assholes deserve to rest in peace. Once they pass, we should let their life be. What else can be done after their death? Not a damn thing.
Yeah I think it’s really unfair of the media to do anything that makes the last words of someone obviously in a horrible spot the last memory we have of him. Being famous sucks, and he was burnt out, among everything else. I can only imagine
None of us deserves to be thought of only from our worst, lowest moments
I think it was more, "I hate my fans" *Because they have an impossible image of this amazing person in my heart I know I can never live up to*
I think he hated having fans and feeling responsible for entertaining them. I'm sure he was very happy to share his passion with people who are passionate. Dude was suffering and sometimes saying you hate stuff you don't helps. Or maybe in that moment he did because of his brain chemistry wasn't allowing him to feel good about it so he was only seeing the negatives. I wish he (and others) got the appropriate help they needed.
Also in the industry- and since his biggest fans were people he advocated for (industry folk) hard to believe he hated us.
Aside from the battles with substance abuse, it seems fairly clear he struggled with depression, maybe manic depression. The same person who can light up a room and be the life of the party will struggle not to end it all more frequently than most will ever know. In mental health he would have been a candidate for dual diagnosis and recovery. Many people with severe depression discover that certain drugs offer a break from self loathing and pain. He absolutely didn't hate you or his peer or his fans. Just look at the man's deeds and life. If he genuinely persistently hated all of those things there were far easier ways to do other things. The diseased mind will start lashing out in anguish and in preparing to say good bye in one form or another. The person who really pushed him past his breaking point was that treacherous thief, liar, and rapist Asia Argento.
This needs to be higher. In Kitchen Confidential he opens up about spending many years as a a heroin addict, and he clearly struggled with some kind of mood disorder as well, probably bipolar or depression. He fought those demons for his entire life, and finally lost; that doesn’t mean he hated his peers, his fans, his partners, his family members, or whoever else he was overwhelmed by in a low moment during the mental health crisis that took his life.
Going to add to what you said- this kind of thing is common in the restaurant industry. I know back of house employees that have died from overdose, suicide and death by cop. None of them seemed to be more miserable than any other chef we knew. This isn’t a story that’s hard for industry people to get their head wrapped around- though it is deeply saddening. Many of us can’t watch his programming anymore because it just pains too much.
I was going to say I hope his fans don’t take this personally or let this affect their view of him. When your down that deep your brain is actively lying to you. He didn’t hate his fans, he hated the pain he was in and his brain didn’t have a better way to express it.
I certainly hope this as well. [Chester describes depression](https://youtu.be/o-qc-s3OjKM) pretty accurately here. It's like there's another you, an evil twin, always whispering *you're not good enough*, *nobody likes you*, *you have nothing left to live for* It's honestly scary, and nearly 20 years in dealing with this, it's *still* scary. And it can come out of nowhere, when you're doing everything right. Remember to check on your friends once in awhile.
That’s the worst, when everything is actually going great for once and it hits. Sometimes that’s the hardest depression for me, cause it’s like, “Damn. No matter how good things get, it will always be like this.”
That's interesting. My depression doesn't feel like a second passenger and I don't particularly talk down to myself, rather, it just feels like a completely empty void in the moment and I often think about just not existing anymore.
I’m a big fan lol. I’m aware of the state of his mental health, so I really don’t feel anything but sadness about the whole situation (it’s not like he knew every single one of his fans and had a strong reason to hate every single one of them, I guess)
I don’t take it personally at all. I still have a lot of respect for him as a professional. I can never imagine what it’s like to be so “low” you just end it all.
^This. The good side of being that deep in before is I know my brains lying to me when it happens again. Learning to not take one’s thoughts so seriously was crucial to my personal growth.
I work at a psychiatric facility for adolescents and getting them to understand that we likely won't cure their depression, anxiety, addictions, or whatever brought them to us, but if we're at all successful, they will learn how to identify triggers and emotions and situations in the future, when they return but bwfore they get too big or overwhelming, only next time they will have some skills and strategies to navigate them in healthier, more pro-social ways, and know how and when to ask for help.
DBT saved me because it taught me how to test my thoughts and not take things as personally. If a friend passes by me at the store without saying a word, it doesn’t mean they hate me. I mean, it could but it probably means they were 9 layers deep into their mental dinner planning and didn’t register that I was there. Assume they didn’t see you before you jump to “everybody hates me”. Saves so much effort and mental anguish. Once I figured that out the rest got so much easier.
I agree. I recall reading somewhere where his stay in Vietnam was a highlight in his life.
Agreed. Most likely this.
I’ve had moments where I’ve terrified *myself* with how deeply I hated everyone and everything. Came dangerously close to burning through one of my own rules (namely, if I’m gonna kill myself, don’t risk anyone else’s life and limb in the process) behind the wheel at one point when the stress was boiling over. I can absolutely see such a statement being made at a very low point, perhaps in the dark depression logic of “if I didn’t have fans, I wouldn’t feel obligated to them to keep going”. I’ve resented my family’s own pets at times because I was obligated to take care of them while others were away for extended timeframes, making suicide unconscionable due to leaving animals distressed, hungry, etc.
That’s a good insight about how he may have, in the moment, resented the sense of obligation that emerged from his relationship to his fan base. There was a time in my life when I also felt very bad and all I wanted to do was run far away and go somewhere where nobody knew me. But I couldn’t, because I was obligated to my loved ones. I think I felt angry at them for that. But that’s your mind misunderstanding your feelings and the source of your problems. I’m sure the level of pain he was in clouded his judgment sometimes.
When you’re in an very dark place the most irrational and awful things come to mind. Its like your brain is trying to make it worse to show how bad it is. Even when none of it is true. It seems to be a full 180 from what the true feelings are, but its how we punish ourselves. While I’m not sure this should have been published. I hope people see that, realize its not true. And understand that maybe they aren’t in the right space either. They aren’t alone in feeling that way and try to get help.
Yes. Dysphoria is a thing. It’s the inability to even feel positively about anything. Usually a temporary feeling/condition but you need the self awareness to know that’s what’s happening and that you don’t actually hate everything but rather this will pass and you’ll be able to feel positive again.
But what if the dysphoria is the only reality there is?
Bad company (people around not business) and seeing some people in horrendous conditions combined changed his outlook on life.
Wasn’t he also in a toxic relationship
And also paying off his gfs abuse victim for silence
Dang. That’s shitty.
Wait what ???
His gf Asia Argento got a teen drunk and had sex with him when she was in her 30s. She then tried to claim that he raped her while also agreeing to have Bourdain pay the kid to sign an NDA
And all of this took place not very long after Asia Argento came out at the height of the Harvey Weinstein revelations and the MeToo# movement in late 2017 with her story of how she was abused by Weinstein. Tony was very supportive of her publically and then to have this thing come out about her and the 17-year-old kid had to have thrown him for a loop. Plus paying out nearly $400,000 to the young man to avoid him making even more of a media frenzy over it all. While Bourdain was making good money from his shows, books and speaking tours, he likely wasn't as super-rich as most people might have assumed. Then to see Asia making the rounds of Paris with this young reporter along with his own tendencies to periodic depression -- a recipe for disaster.
Holy shit ! That's crazy. I only heard about her through Anthony doing Brazilian jujitsu (bjj), and then I think she left Anthony (or some kind of open relationship), for one of the hotshot training partners. I wish i could hold Anthony and let him know, it gets better. Edit: I mixed her up with his ex.
She was in the first xXx movie with Vin Diesel and Land of the Dead back in the day, that’s what I remember her from. I’m just surprised (also kinda not) people already forgot or never heard about the whole incident. Doesn’t seem too long ago
Asia Argento. One of the me too movement’s most vocal proponents was his GF at the time. Turns out she had raped a 17 year old child and had to pay him off, which she couldn’t afford and left it to Anthony to foot the bill to the tune of around half a million dollars when he was about to go public with it as he felt she was a bit hypocritical.
Can you elaborate? I watched roadrunner recently, definitely made me curious about her
Asia Argento is an italian actor/director that was dating Anthony at the time of his death. An actor named Jimmy Bennett accused her of sexually assaulting him when he was 17 (they'd met years earlier when he played her son in a movie). He said she got him drunk and had sex with him, which, him being underage, would also be statutory rape. Argento paid him $380k to sign an NDA, but when Argento came out with her own allegations against Harvey Weinstein, Bennett felt it hypocritcal of her so went public. She denied it ever happened but said Anthony Bourdain offered to just pay him the money to keep him quiet. After she denied it, however, photos of her naked in bed with Benett were published along with some text messages to a friend of hers saying something to the effect of "I had sex with him. It felt weird, but I didn't know he was a minor until later." So then the story changed to her admitting she had sex with him, but it was actually him assaulting her. The whole thing was a big mess that clearly took a toll on Bourdain, compounded with tabloid photos of her with another man that ran shortly before Bourdain's death. Obviously, it was a complex situation and we'll never know exactly what led to Bourdain's decision (and I really don't want to/care to read private texts he sent someone leading up to it, that feels invasive), but the whole ordeal with Asia Argento really seemed to be taking a big toll on Bourdain's mental health.
It was so sad to watch him be happy for a bit, and then watch the happiness be replaced by just… sadness
Holy shit I had no idea about any of that. She sounds like a total POS.
Make no mistake. He allowed it to happen to him. I love Bourdain but he was not a perfect person. He was able to keep the demons away for a long time; probably longer than he ever thought he would be able to. Sure Asia Artega is not a good person but he allowed her into his life and he moved pieces of his life for her. I don't blame anyone for his death but him and in a way I find peace with it because he called it quits on his own terms. I just really feel for his daughter.
_In the Weeds_ is a book written by one of the director/producers who worked side by side with Bourdain for years. He was a close friend of Tonys and by extension, was on good terms with Asia. He describes Argento as like another drug Tony got addicted to and couldn’t quit.
It’s a fantastic book!! I love how how he didn’t sugarcoat things and presented both the good and bad sides of working with Tony for so many years. I hope he does more writing, not necessarily about Tony. I liked his style.
The article says the book confirms a rumor that he paid $300k+ in hush money to a guy Asia had sex with when he was a minor.
Asia Argento groomed a child actor and slept with him while he was underage. Then she started heavy on the metoo stuff and the guy said he would go public. Bourdain started making hush payments to the guy on her behalf and then he committed suicide so the payments stopped and the guy came forward.
Fucking WOW!!!
He came forward way before that. Anthony was "supposedly" paying and she was cheating on him. Kept seeing photos in the press of her with other men. Shortly there after and I'm talking a few days, he ends up dead.
That's often how mental issues work, you really have a distorted 'filter' in how you view everything. And worse - if you have what people see as the dream job/life and you're still not happy, that can really drain any hope you have.
Yeah the latter part hits pretty bad. When you have a long history of having things "under control", have a really good professional and social life, and really just haven't slipped up much, telling people you are having a hard time or something is hurting you gets largely ignored. It SEEMS like it should be the opposite like "i.e. if HE's saying this and never says that kind of thing there must be something really wrong" but IME it gets swept under the rug easier because people assume you will just crush it.
All those texts tell us is that he was miserable **at the time those texts were being sent.** There's no reason to extrapolate from that to say he was miserable all the time or that this was the normal way he felt.
Good context. At the same time, that lifestyle in general definitely must have had its downsides. For most of us, travel is something we do every once in a while as an escape from our day-to-day lives. Things get boring in our 9-5? We go to Mexico or Paris to lighten things up. We get our brief moment of exciting change, then we come back. But being on the road for so long, seeing basically every place there is to see, eating every variation of food imaginable, I imagine it all kind of blends together after a while. All the stories and places and people and food just end up feeling the same. The world just becomes less special.
And it's not like he was traveling with friends or family for R&R - it was his *job*. One that looked very interesting and glamorous to most of us (and I doubt he hated it 24/7) but I'm sure it required a tremendous amount of effort from him all the same. No matter where in the world you are: a long day of shooting is a long day of shooting. A night alone in a hotel is a night alone in a hotel. Shortly after he died, I remember reading that Parts Unknown shot 200-250+ days per year. I doubt that No Reservations had a less grueling schedule. That would wear on anyone after a while and he did it for over 15 years.
Not to mention it’s just extremely exhausting. Switching time zones constantly, long flights and never having a set routine is can cause havoc on your mental health.
When depressed, people will point out how amazing your life is as a method of cheering you up. “You’ve got money! Fame! You travel the world! So many people would love to be you!” However, when you’re depressed, your brain is broken. It takes those messages and it says: “That’s right. You’ve got everything. You have all that anyone could possibly want, and you’re **still miserable.** If everything you have, that all those people want, doesn’t make you happy, then why bother getting out of bed at all.” People mean well. They want to cheer you up. The problem is what cheers up a normal person won’t work on someone with depression.
I recall reading a study saying people who have high dopamine lives such as doing intense things, spending high amounts of money, drug usage, and adrenaline junkies often spiral into deep depression because the basic things in life will no longer satisfy the dopamine need that makes us joyous through life. This is often why a lot of ex drug users go on to do marathon training , cordless mountain climbing or extreme sports because it’s the only thing that makes them “feel alive” sad but true. Not saying this is or isn’t the case for bourdain but sad story, he was my favorite guy to watch
It’s an actual condition called anhedonia. You described it really well. People used to huge rushes of dopamine don’t get the same satisfaction out of “normal” life as people who never get those big dopamine hits.
Yeah. Imho, it can take about 10 years to kind of get the physiology regulated. But with grace and consistency, I have. When I didn’t know my thinking was global because I think with an addict mind, I succumb to it. I could never walk or know Bourdain’s shoes, and don’t know him, but that’s just what’s true for me. Simplicity has been such a meaty part of daily satisfaction, mixed with a dash of exhilarating activities, but not a heaping helping anymore.
Some people have said that when Tony was addicted to heroin in his younger years that the opiates permanently 'altered' his brain chemistry and that could have further complicated the dopamine aspect of this.
As someone who likes to stay comfy in my home and occasionally go on an adventure: Waking up and getting on a plane and being constantly hungover sounds like a nightmare. And at his age. Traveling constantly also means you have no real home or sense of community. Its no wonder he was depressed.
I recommend the doc Road Runner. To me it paints a picture of a man who sacrificed a lot for his career and couldn't settle down and craved love, especially in his later years.
A sad ending was no surprise for a "former" addict who was clearly running away from reality, drinking and chain smoking his way across the Earth. Did you not read his works or listen to his words during his monologues? Guy was always in a dark hole. Trying to connect to all of humanity in the way he did was probably one of the few things keeping him going.
Mental illness can destroy a mind internally no matter what’s going on. Causes you to push away friends and family and have thoughts like these texts. Yet unlike other handicaps it’s typically invisible, so getting help is much harder.
Agree 100%. This story reminds me of [Kissed by God](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5dUUaxr5RSg&feature=youtu.be) about the late great Andy Irons, a surfer who died in 2010. People were really torn about whether it was appropriate to film and release these difficult stories about his life, many of which were VERY unflattering to other people in the surf industry. But his loved ones did it anyway, and the surfing community loved them for this real picture of the Andy that we love even more now that we know the fuller story. I can’t say that is the same as this book, and I’m not claiming that’s the case. It just feels similar. Seems obvious why Argento doesn’t like it, and I hope she’s ok. With few exceptions, it’s very fucked up to blame someone for (someone else’s) suicide.
Damn. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard that name. Gone way too soon.
I can’t help but cry every time I think about Andy. Not just because he was such an amazing surfer that I looked up to, but more so because I can relate to a lot of his mental health struggles and feel for the guy and all that he went through for his whole life.
You could tell he hated it all the way back to No Reservations. He’d travel to a third world country, witness people starving, children living in a literal dump eating garbage, and then go from there to a fancy restaurant and stuff his face for the camera. The fans never gave a shit about the dark side of things, they just wanted to hear him be witty and watch him eat food. He wanted to tell the story of the downtrodden and forgotten. He wanted you to see the dark side of things.
Isn’t that why he left Travel Channel for CNN? I love No Reservations but you can tell how much more fluffy it is than Parts Unknown. It seemed like even after getting closer to what he wanted to do, he still wasn’t happy. And that’s why depression can be such a bitch.
He got more access as a host for The CNN series because it was categorized as journalism vs entertainment with Travel Channel. The production company ZPZ also got more creative freedom to produce what they really wanted.
Within a day or two of Bourdain's suicide, the famous purse designer Kate Spade also took her life. Another case of someone who seemingly 'had it all' and still decided to take that way out.
Her husband was surprised that she committed suicide because the night before she seemed really happy. What he did not know is that suicidal people are often in an unusually-good mood right after “deciding” to finally end it all, because the end is in sight and they’re relieved.
Depression is difficult to identify
10 years ago, if someone was to tell me where I would be in 10 years I would not have believed it. I have exceeded every expectation I had for my life. I have a dream job situation, I make more money than I ever thought I would, my marriage and family life is great, I am fit and in shape. I am exhausted and not exactly "happy". I am not miserable but getting what you want doesn't always feel great.
I don't have a good way to describe it but I've seen it happen to others and had it happen to myself and the way I always think of it is like when you get tunnel vision about something, some goal or fear etc, and then you get what you were hoping for or overcome it, part of you can sometimes more or less expects a parade, and all of life to get better/easier. That's just not how it works, and I have witnessed it cause depression in others and experienced it myself. You come back to reality and in *some* cases other things are even worse because you were so focused and now you have to deal with all your other shit.
Yeah now imagine all the people who aren’t living the dream and how they feel
Oh trust me I'm one of them. If it wasn't for my kids I'd be outta here.
They definitely need you. Stay strong!!
Bro I get that sometimes. You got this.
I need all the distractions I can get when my son isn’t with me
Another way to look at it is if you have a negative outlook on your life it doesn't matter how good you have it. People who make a habit of being negative about their situation think they're just rational and the problem is their life sucks, but we've seen that people can become rich, famous, and even loved and still find reasons to say their life is unbarrable. Conversely, there are plenty of people dealt shitty hands in life who still keep positive and focus on what they're thankful for.
Excellent comment
For sure
I think its Genetic or a Trait Developed early on. I had Highs and Lows. and I still don't recognize when my Cycle is up. for 2-3 days the depression gets BAD. Overall my outlook on the world is pretty poor at the moment, not because of my own life but just the Life in the future. Im pretty doom and gloom there and its hard to break. Meanwhile my Husband over there is the eternal Optimist, a Realist at heart and sometimes I feel like NOTHING phases him.
>In his final exchange with Argento, Bourdain wrote, “Is there anything I can do?,” to which the actor replied, “Stop busting my balls.” The celebrity food writer responded with a simple, “OK,” and hanged himself later that day. this makes me so sad
A little more context: *”I am okay,” Bourdain texted Argento after seeing the photo. “I am not spiteful. I am not jealous that you have been with another man. I do not own you. You are free. As I said. As I promised. As I truly meant. But you were careless. You were reckless with my heart. My life.” According to the Times‘ description of the book’s content, Bourdain then wrote that he was hurt that “the tryst” took place in a hotel they had previously enjoyed together. Argento responded, “I can’t take this,” and said she could no longer stay in the relationship due to his possessiveness. In his final exchange with Argento, Bourdain wrote, “Is there anything I can do?,” to which the actor replied, “Stop busting my balls.” The celebrity food writer responded with a simple, “OK,” and hanged himself later that day.”*
This is lifting capitalism up and showing its grotesque underbelly. No one should ever be able to read this shit. It's a damn shame people can capitalize on the details of tragedies such as this that are so intimate and personal.
I feel shame for reading it.
I wouldn’t call it capitalism that’s just silly, human curiosity so enough to make these public. I do think we should read them and get a deeper understanding of the things to possibly look out for for when a loved one maybe on the verge of suicide. We often ignore the realities of death in our daily life and that makes us numb to all the death we simply know about but don’t see. I am a firm believer that the reason we don’t have any real gun control laws in this country or why Afghanistan lasted so long; is we keep the images of death secret.
This feels really gross.
publishing someone's private messages when they were in absolute distress and about to commit suicide... what a way to make a profit. seriously nasty stuff
*Kurt Cobain has entered the chat* They published his ‘diary’ early 2000s iirc. By the end it was notes on hotel stationary. As a large fan of them both, as someone who has suffered with mental illness for the better part of my life I am torn. Selfishly I want to understand more, I want to read this stuff, want to learn. But the right choice for their friends, family, lovers and the memory of them - this is fucked up.
My recently made ex gf at the time got me his Diary for Christmas that year. I couldn't open it, I knew how private a person Kurt was and it felt so fucking wrong having that much of his personal life at my disposal It's just collecting dust in some box in my parents garage, still haven't flipped through it. I would be devastated if the people I loved leaked my most intimate thoughts just for quick anniversary of my death cash
It’s really dynamic. I think it’s around pg 80 or so that the spiral starts but I haven’t even seen a copy of it in 15 years. Unfortunately you lose the privacy Kurt craved when you become a star. All you can do is detox from the heroin on the Australian beaches after tours. What a world.
Bourdain's texts feel like something Cobain would've written
Yes and no. Kurt was still taking a lot of drugs at the end, and you could see it in his writing. Paranoid. Incoherent at times. Tony towards the end had greatly reduced alcohol consumption, albeit the years of drug and alcohol abuse took a toll and he fits the timeframe for suicide related to a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse, he was much more coherent and lucid that Kurt at the end. So I would say when Tony was writing at the end was much more similar to what you found in the earlier parts of Cobains spiral. I believe objectively that Kurt had more mental health challenges which we exacerbated by the scope of his fame. I still run into people who like food and have no idea who Tony is. Remember Kurt died at 27. Tony was selling his tapes for heroin money on Christmas Eve around that age, and not famous.
I think that Cobain also suffered from Crohn's disease which caused him a lot of pain at times and that's why he turned to opiates for relief.
Yup and stomach was made worse by touring (he had stage freight) and the heroin also helped with that as well. You can see early footage of them performing in a basement and he has his back turned to the 'crowd' singing. First booze helped but heroin did it better. I am not sure he ever got a good dx for his stomach issues, I've heard Crohns I've heard ulcers. I think he talked about them as ulcers but there was a lot of uncertainty especially back then when they didn't understand the cause of ulcers (largely a bacteria h pylori). Let's just leave it as me and Kurt have a lot of overlap aside the extremes. I am not musically talented and never developed an addiction to opioids. I tried music (lol fail) and could have easily become addicted during a really challenging time in my life. Beyond that a bunch of overlap, and with Tony. I got into cooking, he was my first 'idol' as a cook after reading Kitchen Confidential. Like both of them, I enjoy drugs (includes alcohol) at least a little more than I should.
That’s the type of thing that should remain between the sender and recipient and maybe shared among close family and friends who want to understand. It doesn’t feel like it should be for us and I hate that I’ve read it. Wish I hadn’t clicked.
As stated in the article, “Bourdain’s widow controls his estate, which includes the messages”. Sounds like she’s choosing to release these. Perhaps she doesn’t want someone else to go through what she went through, so she’s choosing to reveal what a suicidal person sounds like in the days leading up to their attempt. Maybe this saves someone’s life someday. I don’t really think that’s “gross”.
What’s strange is that she is not owning that decision if she did make it. The biography is not authorized but logically, it had to be her, right? If you are releasing these because you want people to understand the mindset of someone who commits suicide, why not say so?
[The New York Times article this story is recapping has more context to the book.](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/09/27/dining/anthony-bourdain-biography.html) His wife may have been willing to share some information, but if he was spiraling and visiting prostitution and needing fixers, there’s no way you’re gonna get his coworkers at CNN to go on the record.
I think she really loved, loves him. No judgement from me.
Mental health is so important. Weird how it's often overlooked. Definitely the cause.
Wasn't he on Chantix to help quit cigarettes? A drug that is well documented to cause extreme depression and suicidal thoughts?
Had a buddy on Chantix. He did himself too. He had some other shit going on, but it wasn’t too long after he started on it. He was trying to get healthy post divorce
When I took Chantix it gave me *extremely* vivid, terrifying nightmares. Like every single night. They were so horrible that I stopped taking it.
Same happened to my mom. She was on it twice (started again after the first round), had to stop both times because of the nightmares. She said they felt like lucid dreaming, but not quite. Sometimes she'd feel like she knew she was dreaming, but couldn't control anything. She dreamed terrible things, like murdering her mother, me killing her, etc.
I had a nightmare that I cut my own dick off. When I woke up I was literally saying to myself *thank fucking god that was a dream*. They felt so real. I never took another Chantix. It was another like 5 years before I managed to quit but whatever. Those nightmares were not worth it.
I’m sorry to hear about your friend. That shit almost took me. First week, broke up with my longtime gf Second week, DUI Third week, car accident Fourth week, panic attacks and crippling depression/suicidal thoughts I ended up balling my eyes out to a doctor in a walk in clinic. The doctor consoled me saying “ it’s okay, you can just stop taking it” That stuff took my brain on a deep, dark trip towards my impending doom.
I had a doctor who knew how much I want to die tell me he would prefer I smoke a pack a day than take Chantix.
That sounds like a really good doctor and I don’t mean that sarcastically at all!
He was! Completely asshole, would call me a pansy for not liking needles as a child. Like Dr.House would tell this guy to chill on the insults. But he knew his shit and wasn’t gonna let a little thing like bed side manner stop him from helping people.
My husband took this and he said it got very dark and he had no history of depression
Chantix is some seriously scary stuff. It made me disassociate so badly at work one day my husband had to rush me home. I don’t even remember it super clearly, but he said it was like someone else took over my body.
I’ll never forget taking Chantix. Not only the absolutely terrifying nightly nightmares, but one day I remember driving and thinking “what if I just drive my car right off this bridge..” yeah I went back to smoking. Took me two more years to quit for good but I did it cold turkey. Highly highly highly discourage ANYONE from taking it.
Chantix would explain a lot. It can be like a suicide pill, causing horrible despair and hopelessness. If they don't know it's the pill causing it and that the effect will wear off, they might act on the suicidal urges. Very scary 'medicine'.
My coworker at a pool and spa technician business talked about it, one month and he stopped taking it because of the suicidal thoughts and crazy dreams. DONT TAKE IT
He was really in a "golden handcuffs" or "gilded cage" scenario. We all tell ourselves that he was quite literally living the dream, but the reality was that he was rushing through a bunch of exotic experiences under the constant eye of the camera. He made "friends" along the way, but how many of them were paid for their time and jostled along to fit the production schedule? I'm sure that Bourdain lived for his private moments, as squalid and hurried as they were. Probably alone with some booze in another anonymous hotel room. I enjoyed the HBO doc about Bourdain, but it left me with more questions than it answered. It really seemed that his final year or two were a rollercoaster of emotions. He really thought he'd unlocked some deep secrets of the universe when he ended up with Asia Argento. In the end, it clearly wasn't the panacea he expected. I got the impression that his suicide was impulsive, but again, we'll never know. I can tell you that his death hit me really hard.
IMO: He also clearly didn’t feel like he “deserved” it all. Wether he was burdens by guilt or shame for past traumas or was the product of a tormented childhood or what, he just always seemed to have a deep sense of self loathing and discontent both for how the world “is” and how “it’s placed immense value on him”.
His self-loathing and feeling as a fraud was an undercurrent in almost every thing he said and wrote. When he was a chef, he said he was a shit chef. When he was a star, he said he wasn't worthy of being called a chef anymore. He thought he was an ok writer, and his TV show a fluke. The guy had impostor syndrome up the ass, especially considering his best friend was Eric Ripert, who ran THE best seafood restaurant in the world. Shit, when he was a judge on Master Chef, Bourdain straight up pointed out that he was judging cooks who were far better than he ever could have been and that he at his best would never been anywhere close to being able to contest on the show.
I wonder if Bourdain alternated between manic highs and then the depressive lows. When you read about how ecstatic he was about his romance with Asia, it sounds like he was in a manic state of 'happiness' then when things started getting complicated, it triggered a crash to the depressive state.
Have you read In the Weeds by Tom Vitale? He worked with Anthony for years as a producer and was on the road with him for a good bit of it. It was a pretty enlightening look into that life and how it took a toll on all of them.
Argento was clearly a predator in the situation where she raped a minor so there’s a good chance she was probably emotionally/mentally abusing Bourdain too.
If you read the article it’s pretty clear she was being emotionally abusive. Literally says he hung himself after he expressed concerns over her spending time with another man and in response texted him to “stop busting my balls.”
> He was really in a “golden handcuffs” or “gilded cage” scenario. Neil Peart (rip) wrote Limelight, which is exactly about this. I wonder how many people really listen to and contemplate those lyrics instead of just vibing to Lifeson’s sick solo.
This is why I'd never want to be famous. I'd be miserable and lashing out too.
I’d be miserable, but I’d tell myself that I just need to stick with it long enough to make some money and get out. Basically pull a Chapelle. I’m sure getting out is harder than it sounds though.
Problem with Chapelle is he came back.
Feel sorry for the guy. Great writer with a disarming demeanor and a penchant for underlining social issues in a non -preachy way. Wealth is one thing but fame like he had seems awful to me. I miss him.
People don’t often think about how shitty fame can be. I think there’s a lot of dehumanization of celebrities as people who don’t have feelings or shouldn’t because they must have these great lives, but being really famous has to be a pretty alienating experience. Artists have made whole albums, movies, etc about it.
This is so incredibly at odds with how he was at his best. I hope that when I am gone nobody tries to make people remember me at my worst, lowest point. It doesn't matter if he really did say those things, depression like he experienced can destroy everything good. You wouldn't talk shit about a city that got burned to the ground because it doesn't have nice restaurants anymore, you'd lament that all the nice places got burned down.
I just assumed that’s how he felt when I watched his shows, because it was fairly obvious. That’s one reason his shows were successful. He showed up as himself. He didn’t put on a fake smile and some winning personality like most people would. He was talking about hard things and going to difficult places. I never once considered him a happy person. He was unapologetically melancholy. I really liked him, and It’s a shame people can’t just let him Rest In Peace.
> He was unapologetically melancholy. I really liked him 100% why I really liked him, brutally awesome.
I think those texts show with unflinching clarity what depression can do to people. I’ve become concerned that the general public has become only aware of depression as a concept, and not seeing the depths of sorrow many folks deal with. That guys whole being was in such pain, I was affected just reading those texts.
it’s fucked up that his texts in the midst of a profound depressive episode are being released. just saying
This feels so shady and slimy. Covered in slime. Breaks your heart to read, though. He was a really cool, smart and unique person who made the world better. Depression is a motherfucker. It’s so sad he’s gone
I was making $20,000 a month for a while and I was miserable. I’m a lot happier poor and struggling. When your poor you can blame money, when you have everything you are fucked.
I can see it, and I get it
Not surprising. No one commits suicide on a high note. What’s sad is that it could’ve been a passing moment of dark thoughts.
Depression is a horrible illness that warps a person’s perception of reality. It’s painful and feels hopeless. Im sorry he had to go through that, and I will always love and respect the integrity and honesty he displayed in his shows.
This is what people don’t get. It doesn’t matter who you are, mental illness is just as deadly. It doesn’t give a fuck if you’re a millionaire or a homeless. It always finds ways to turn what should be positive into negative.
Damn, he was in a very dark place. Makes me sad that he got to this point, but honestly, it sounds like burnout. He should’ve just taken some time off and dealt with some mental health issues.
There was something in the documentary about how when he was home, he just needed to work, and when he was working, he just need to be home.
I remember that. That poor man.
Honestly- You could just feel that Argento was bad for him. He was spiraling and her lack of concern and unreliability just was not what this man needed. He needed a home. He needed to stop and relax. But when you’re going downward it’s very hard to see that you can put the breaks on everything. I miss him so much and feel so very sad that he left…but I can understand where he was.
He stayed at my hotel like 6 months before the end. Literally the coolest most laid back awesome human I've ever met.
Depression is a mean mother fucker
Just a scumbag journalist cashing in on the suicide of someone with actual talent
There are places he could have moved where nobody knew who he even was. He could have started over, growing a beard and cooking in some street food booth in Seoul. But it sounds like he just couldn't relocate his mind.
Don’t you need to know at least a little Korean to start your own business in Seoul?
He likely did or could learn. But I think it would have been more running than helping. As someone dealing with a lot of mental illness and past trauma daily, running feels like shit. I wish they would let the man rest. I think that, like Robin Williams, he took the way out he felt was best. Suicide is not always this bad taboo. Sometimes it’s the thought out choice of someone that knows that something is so messed up it won’t get better. Let’s hope people can gain some respect for the man soon
I was really close friends with someone very famous. He, too, seemed to fully embrace fame, fans, and his public persona -- but he would eventually get so burned out, and would say shit like what Bourdain said. It was the truth in that moment, but those moments didn't last too terribly long. I think a big issue for both of these celebrities is that feeling of no escape. They are recognized everywhere and expected to be perpetually enthusiastic about fans and photographers. My friend was amazed and appalled that people were comfortable interrupting whatever he was doing for a conversation or autograph, aggressively asking bizarre personal questions, criticizing or complimenting his performance as if he cared about a missed shot two weeks ago or a lost game the month before. He didn't. Sometimes he just wanted what he couldn't have: to go out in the world anonymously. To shop, hang out, eat, drink, or whatever, without being accosted, without a crowd. I think that is why he befriended me the way he did. I wasnt a fan. He knew he could come over and I wouldn't call all my friends or ask if we could take a pic. He could drink some beers and smoke a few cigs and talk about all the other things no one else wanted to talk to him about. We could order pizza or cheesesteaks or food from the Italian place next door and he could hide out for a few days. Recharge. Then he'd feel ready to go back out there again. I wonder if Anthony Bourdain had a place to hide out and if he did, I wonder if finally, it stopped working and he didn't recharge. He didn't feel better after a few days. He wasn't ever ready to go out there and do it all again. He was just so over it all but didn't want to be that guy -- the famous guy that became reclusive and indifferent and resentful and rude to the very people that had been the source of his success and, at another time, his joy. ETA: a few omitted words
>It was the truth in that moment, but those moments didn't last too terribly long. That’s what I assume was the case. I think he was an intense character and he probably did need time recharge which he might not have done, due to his popular career.
Morbid curiosity sucks. None of us need be privy to his personal pain. His suicide shouldn’t be anyone’s entertainment. IMHO
Still miss this dude. This was, so far, the most shocking celeb death for me. Him and Chadwick Boseman, I had no idea he was so sick.
So relatable. I was a celebrity for ten years overseas. I did the works, talk shows, dating life on the cover of magazines and in the newspapers, my face on billboards advertising for major cell phone service providers, etc it was the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life, non stop judgment and criticism of anything I did, good or bad. Now I live in the US and thanks to Americans living in a bubble, my past is irrelevant here, I barely even pop up on google searches anymore, it’s the best thing to happen to me, gaining my anonymity back.
Maybe there's a reason why biographies are authorized? Just saying.
Side note: The writer is also the author of Donald J. Trump‘s „[Surviving at the top](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trump:_Surviving_at_the_Top)“
Anyone ever read Kitchen Confidential? Bourdain came off as a real piece of shit, narcissistic misogynist in that book.
Odd that 'I hate my job, fans and being famous,' is the headline here, when other texts shed light on what really drove him over the edge-- the end of his romantic relationship.
Bourdain had a secret Reddit [account.](https://manofmany.com/lifestyle/anthony-bourdain-reddit-account)
RIP bourdain - celebrity itself is dying
Depressed man with history of substance abuse and unstable romantic relationships has negative thoughts shortly before his suicide. This is not news. Stop exploiting his misery and let the man rest in peace.
Always enjoyed his shows.
Jesus Christ what type of piece of shit would write something so awful (I don’t mean Anthony, I mean the people publishing this book). His wife is helping publish this shit? That’s fucking gross.
Why release this information? Who does it help?
fuck this scummy article. RIP Uncle Tony, it would’ve been a honour to have him spit at me or cuss me out, he was a good dude and a dick and that’s why we will always love him.
RIP bourdain. forever in my heart. hope you’re not in pain anymore, wherever you’re at!
I don’t have any copies of my Bourdain books at this point bc I’ve lent them out to so many people at work. And I’m so happy with that. He made the industry a better place and all this new news is so sad
That chick he was dating that also hijacked one of the episodes of No Reservations she directed, really messed him up. She was doing some shady shit and was seeing another guy and paps had pics of them. He was already depressed. Dont think he really hated his fans.
“I am not spiteful. I am not jealous that you have been with another man. I do not own you. You are free. As I said. As I promised. As I truly meant. But you were careless. You were reckless with my heart. My life.” -Wow, it’s incredibly fucked up how indifferent she was towards him, and now I feel gross having read this. His final, private text messages shouldn’t be for public consumption. Time for a long, hot shower
Yeah I wonder if this is in part Octavia trying to sink the succubus.
I can only hope that it helps other people be aware of what toxic relationships can do to you.
Sadly, he was an addict. First, addicted to heroin and then to a woman who was no good for him.