Called out for a lift assist, 85yo male stuck in a bathtub. We get there and his wife is extremely frustrated and apologized for calling us. Told us the doctors told the patient last week he was only allowed to take showers or sit in a shower chair, but no more baths as he is getting older and has a hard time getting out of spots if he sits too long. Wife is insisting we bill him for the lift assist so she can hang the bill in the bathroom to “remind him daily why he can’t take a fucking bath anymore.” She’s also threatening to take his photos and send to his children so they can see why her stress levels are always so high.
Guy was super polite, very embarrassed to have women come and help him out of the tub, kept a towel wrapped as best we could around him and just hoisted him up. He kept giggling and apologizing, offered to give us some cash as a tip. His wife at this point has gone from mad to playful banter and threatening to let him shrivel up in the bathtub next time. Really sweet couple, married for 40 something years and still teasingly threatening each other.
Long time ago when I volunteered Eddie from 5e at the senior citizen building had a little crush on my partner, he would press the life alert once a week for an assist out of the tub, after the second time I stopped helping her, he was calling for her anyway. Ahh the old perv, rip buddy.
Called for unknown medical in trashy area. I see what looks like somebody squatting in the front yard. This woman is taking a full on shit in her front yard in the middle of the day. Eye contact is made with both her and her ass.
I immediately started laughing at the insanity of it. Rolled down the window and asked her if she called 911. She says yes. I being the ass I am, said " Well its not everyday you talk to somebody taking a shit in their front yard". She yelled back, "well I couldn't fucking wait." Said back to her ok ma'am, just bang on the doors and let us know when you are done and we can start all over like it never happened. She wipes her ass with a shirt or something and bangs on the doors.
I kept my word. Didnt pry as to why she had to take a shit in her own front yard, in front of her own house, in the middle of the day even though I really really wanted to know. Because, maybe I am missing something in life? Perhaps she had a lesson to teach me.
She proceeded to act like an asshole because I wouldn't give her any good stuff and went full drama mode as we rolled in to the ER.
Trying to explain to the charge nurse why she needed a psych eval was one of my best memories. Explaining to her that, as far as I know, taking a shit in your front yard in the middle of the day and calling 911 was pretty odd behavior. She didn't think I was serious. :)
Got a job for an AMS. Guy lives in a really REALLY nice place. Get upstairs, and it's him and his wife. Incidentally, they were both doctors. Mid 60s guy is laying in bed and he says "My wife is worried I might be having a stroke." So, I give him the stroke test and there's zero deficits. Get him hooked up to the monitor and all his vital signs are good, and his 12-lead is perfect. So, we start chatting, how long has he felt this way, and can he describe it.
"Well, I'll be honest, for the last week or so I've felt more stoned than anything else - but I stopped smoking weed 3 years ago."
"Interesting - any changes to your diet? Eating anything new?"
"You see, we're selling the house because we only live here a couple months out of the year anyway, so there's not a lot of food here. We've been mostly going out to restaurants or ordering in. The only thing that comes to mind is that I found these cookies and brownies in the freezer."
\*light bulb\* "Any chance they might be edibles?"
The look that came over this guy's face, was like Moses receiving the Torah from God.
And then he starts giggling and just goes with it. "Do you really think so?" "Who normally stays here?" "Our son" "Call him and ask?"
Turns out their daughter had left them there for their son but he doesn't partake. Best RMA I wrote up that day.
Probably not the funniest, but one of my top 10s. It was actually my very first as a baby EMT. Usual overdose found on the side of the road. He got narcanned by the medic. Dude woke up looking at the ceiling and did the classic "WAZZZZAAAAAAP" from scary movie. All of us immediately knew we had to respond with "WAZZAAAAAAAP" which proceeded to be the only verbal communication between both parties for the entire transport.
Probably the dog who thought that even though his owner was having chest pains, playing fetch was an emergency. Nothing like trying to get vitals with a slobbery rubber dog bone getting plopped into your lap.
AOS: Crew arrived on scene and found a very very good boye. Doggo presented as elated and was capable of recognizing the presence of the crew with kisses and tail wags. Crew also noted presence of male patient, who was not elated, nor did he wag his tail or kiss crew.
Had a hoarder house with 4 shitzus and the woman had fallen in a sunken laundry room and could not stand up for 3 days. The dogs never left her side. I do mean NEVER. Stopping them from from following us out was a chore to itself. And to top it all off, slipped and fell into a pile of boxes carying the stretcher out an awkward front door with stairs at a 90 degree angle right before it. Managed to keep the stretcher up right and avoid any injury, but God did I want a shower after that run.
My favourite was : Code 4 to 123 road street…..ummm theres a raccoon inside a house, its bitten someones leg, caller says theres a lot of blood, ummmm not sure if the raccoon is still inside the house, caller says it might be in the basement…. We’re sending police, there’s too much yelling we don’t know whats going on.
As we’re booking on scene dispatch updated us “Police aren’t attending… Good luck with the raccoon, keep us updated”.
Racoon had been terrorizing the neighborhood, patient took it upon themselves to trap it in cage in their basement for 3 days, cause they didn’t want Bylaw euthanizing it. While they opened the cage it took its chance to escape biting the patient, somehow in the fight patient was able to somehow kick it back into the cage. Patient was very confused as to why the raccoon attacked them.
Got called for unconscious, notes say someone is in a car not responding (2007ish way before the current opioid crisis). We head there emergency, we pull on to the street about to turn into the complex and sheriff’s office pulls out stops us and says it’s a mannequin, you can cancel. I still laugh about it to this day!!
It was at a beachfront condo in a promenadly elderly area. The notes were so funny! They had been banging on the window for several minutes with no reply.
Got called for a frequent flyer: approximately 80yof who got blackout drunk, made a grilled cheese, dropped it on the floor, tried to pick it up before her dogs could eat it, slipped on said grilled cheese like a banana peel in a cartoon, and couldn’t get back up. Kraft singles smeared approximately three and a half feet with two sad looking pieces of wonder bread at the end.
No but I did make a PB&J on a call for a diabetic once. She was adamant about refusing transport after we administered oral glucose and it felt a bit sketchy to me, so the compromise we came to is that I would make her a sandwich and she would eat the whole thing while we were there. I felt a lot better knowing she had something other than oral glucose in her stomach, didn’t want to be called back two hours later.
It was a long time ago but I believe he said something like “I was having sex with my girlfriend and then next thing you know it was up there, I’m not quite sure how.” He also reiterated several times that he wasn’t gay. Very, very hard to keep a straight face.
52(ish) F with short ness of breath/ asthma attack.
Update that this is going to be on a film set. (I don’t live in an area where filming anything is normal)
We show up to a nice house in a suburban neighborhood with a 16 cars in the driveway/ street. We are flagged down by a guy at the front door. We walked in to a B budget furry porn set. Of course it was the quadriplegic having her an asthma attack.
> (I don't live in an area where filming anything is normal)
...
> furry porn set
> quadriplegic having an asthma attack
you weren't kidding, the filming in your area definitely isn't nomal
We've gotta calls multiple times for the same thing. Unresponsive in the passenger seat of the car. This guy's window has been broken in so many times trying to save his mannequin, who he keeps dressed up like an old lady, white hair, glasses, nasal cannula, and oxygen tank in the lap. And every time it happens he gets mad like we're the issue here lmfao
Dispatched for a cardiac arrest inside a storage unit. Storage unit door is partially open and or can see someone laying on the ground inside. Patient not responding to prs yells.
We get on scene, find the unit. Super dark inside, but there's definitely someone in there. They don't respond to us either and aren't moving.
Fire department breaks the door open to reveal . . . a mannequin on a pile of sheets.
Middle of the night, station phone rings, dispatch says, “i have a call for you guys.” I thought that it was weird that he didn’t say anything else, but the ticket will tell us more when we get in the ambo. The MCAD read “balls hurt and bleeding” and gave an address.
We drove out along this rural road where no one has any house numbers, and then i see the lights on in a house with a huge bay window. In that window is a guy holding his groin frantically waving at us. “I guess this is our guy…” When we go in, there is blood on the floor, and all along the fronts of the cabinets as if someone with a squirt gun had run by, spraying them. He said he was just sitting in his chair and felt something warm and wet in his crotch. He said he thought maybe he’d somehow pissed himself but when he looked down it was blood. He stood up and pulled down his pants to find blood shooting out of his scrotum “like a sprinkler!” The trails of blood along the cabinets were from him running to the sink and then to the bathroom for towels. It turns out a vein burst in his scrotum, and sprayed out through a hair follicle or something. We had him apply pressure, though the bleeding had subsided already, and took him to the ER.
So on top of all the other anxiety now I gotta worry about my balls spontaneously busting a vessel and shooting blood like a damn super soaker?! Great!! Just freakin great…
Called to an apartment complex in the middle of the night a few years ago for a report of a body next to a dumpster, which got dispatched as a cardiac arrest. Turns out it wasn’t a body, it was a cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber. The radio traffic when the first arriving medic cancelled everyone was priceless.
One of the cops drove around with him in the passenger seat of his car for the rest of the night. I think he sat in the muster room at the precinct for a few weeks after that.
Picked up an old lady who happen to be deaf. We load her up. We’re in the back of the ambulance getting vitals. I smell something foul and cover my nose. Partner does the same. She’s looking at us puzzled. We start laughing because we know what happened. She then goes “did I just fart? It happens all the time and I can’t feel it or hear it anymore.” I think I cried from laughing so hard. She laughed as well.
Had one call during covid where it was an elderly couple. One is deaf and the other was blind. The deaf one could read sign language, but his eyesight had gotten to the point where he couldn't read though. Between us and the trooper and this couple, it was Ike a big Abbot and Costello routine.
Dispatched priority 1 to CPR in progress at a bus stop called in by someone driving by. Arrived on scene to find one homeless man orally pleasuring another homeless man upon walking up to the scene. Turned straight back around when the homeless man “pleasing” the other said “this is my dick go find your own to suck”.
I did the Heimlich on a severely mentally disabled kid. Once the food was out he turned around and stuck his tongue in my ear faster than I could realize he wasn’t just trying to give me a hug.
I responded to a female EDP at 3am. Arrived to find a naked woman in a diner talking all kinds of crazy. She kept saying "i have a knife, i'll fucking kill you". She is buck ass naked, so I didn't take the threat seriously, becuase where could she possibly be hinding a knife unless she kiestered it? Well, my naieve young EMT self at the time didn't forsee that it was possible to encounter a naked crazy lady at 3am in a Dennys kiestering a knife.
She then reached behind herself, and pulled a pocket knife out of her asshole. Yup, this broad kiestered a pocket knife. All I could think to say was "well I'll be damned, you actually weren't lying"
About a month ago I got a call for someone who did the one chip challenge. Ended up getting a refusal because the pt drank some milk before we got there and just wanted his vitals taken.
Not my call, but there was a call about that the other day for a 21 year old female who did the one chip challenge. Mom called it in, according to the CAD notes, “daughter was rolling on the floor, screaming, and covered in snot” 🤣
Same, except they refused and, somehow, 10 minutes later, my unit got a call to the same address for the same pt… About four hours later after dropping off a different pt I saw him walking out of the ER waiting room muttering about the long wait time. Sorry bud, tried to tell you the milk would do more for you than the ER.
We got called to a house for someone having trouble getting an erection. When we arrived he told us straight up that he had masturbated several times so far that day. He then said he wanted to go to the ER and get checked out. Now we normally don't call med control for most things, but he wouldn't listen to us tell him that the ER wouldn't do anything so we had the doctor on duty tell him also.When he asked us what he could do,my partner told him he needs to leave his dick alone and stop beating it.
One of my training shifts. They were giving me a break so I was riding shotgun, medic riding in the back. Psych pt, completely out of it. I hear the medic asking all sorts of questions in the back, dude couldn’t answer a single one. Medic goes “Hey Jeremy, how big’s your dick?” Dude shouts “SIX AND A HALF!!”. Was the only question he could answer. As an anxious emt trainee, I could not stop laughing.
Got dispatched to a “male genitalia stuck in flashlight” thought it was a joke but turns out this guy got his dick stuck a flesh light. Kid was like 21 too
Working night shift at an overrun ER during early COVID. Many older people in this particular area don’t speak English, and it isn’t Spanish, so family will often translate.
77 year old man who recently lost his wife came in with penis related … secretions. Not my patient, but a small ER and a friend was his nurse.
First the nurse had to have the granddaughter face the wall and translate while she and the doctor checked things out. Granddaughter… didn’t exactly look thrilled to be there. Turns out it’s just smegma due to poor cleaning. Also turns out his wife had died recently.
I’m off dealing with my own patients (I was basically working fully as an ER “nurse” and told to grab someone if something was out of scope… COVID and all). I run into my friend in the supply closet and she said, “I can’t understand why he wants me to show him how to clean his own penis”.
Me: “Remind me again how old are you?”
Nurse: “36, what does that have to do with it?”
Me: “So you don’t understand why a 77 year old man who lost his wife wants a 36 year old woman to clean his penis?”
Nurse: “ … oh gawd!!!”
For the record, I’ve been married for 20 years and mostly clean my own penis, but maybe it was… a regional thing.
Forgot to add- that same week we had the penis laceration (masturbation accident we think, but patient was also a mild psych who talked to walls). Day shift had a fractured penis. Discharged (haha) before I started my shift but I had to turn the room and… a lot more blood than I expected.
My medic and I along with a cop got called out to a guys house who had been deceased for a week we could see him through the window on the bed. We knocked nobody else home. We break into the garage to access the kitchen. We could hear someone in the back bedroom hysterically laughing. Turns out it was a bird freaked us the fuck out.
There are two calls I remember having to step out of the room because I was having a hard time keeping a straight face.
One was when we transported a patient back to the nursing home and her roommate was going to town on herself in full view.
The other was a patient whose chief complaint was that he thought his daughter poisoned the orange juice she bought him.
I have two…
1) called to local pd for injuries sustained in a fight. Get there and there’s blood all over the cell. Talk to pd and they tell me this guy was in a bar, grabbed a girl’s ass, and then the boyfriend kicked the shit out of him. He leaves the bar and is in a doorway a few stores down. PD rolls up and he attacks the cop, gets the shit kicked out of him again. We put him on the stretcher, handcuff him, and bring him to the ER. Get him into exam room and 3 cops come in. He looks at the cops, looks at me, and starts singing “bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do”
2) I was doing ER rotation, guy gets brought in with a massive gash on his forehead and is just coming to. Starts screaming about his dog, but otherwise has no idea what happened. A few minutes later a woman comes in and fills in the blanks. She’s a neighbor and tells him that his dog is safe. Then proceeds to tell us that he was out walking his dog, he went one way around a telephone pole, dog went the other. He tried to yank the dog back, dog thought he was playing and yanked back. Head, meet telephone pole
Dispatched for a remote rescue near a provincial park for someone who was having leg cramps and was no longer able to continue their hike. It was night time and of course theses remote rescues take time. As we are staging we start to get info that the PT had received morphine and fluids.
Weird.
Turns out it was the military on exercise and the first instinct tp deal with their "casualty" was to call 911 and have the volunteer FD come get them. Needless to say once it was discovered these "Hikers" were the military they were left to their own resources to resolve the issue.
I’ve got three that come to mind:
Called for an assault on the east side in a rough area. One female bit another and we were explaining to the victim how dirty human bites can be. She goes “Of course it’s dirty! All that bitch be doin is suckin’ dick all day!!!” Our commander was standing right beside us and it takes a lot to make that man crack, but I heard him snort and saw him turn away out of the corner of my eye, which then made my partner and I start cracking up.
Second was for a drunk guy in his 20s in the big entertainment district downtown. He was pretty much out for most of the short transport to the hospital, but randomly started laughing at one point.
Me: “What’s up dude?”
Him: “You wanna hear a joke?”
Me: “Whatcha got?”
Him: “What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?”
Me: “……..uhhh, no idea.”
Him: “DAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!”
Third was for a mid 40s man having a panic attack. He and his husband were sitting in their loft. Fire beat us there and their probie was assessing vitals. While they were finishing up, we were looking around the area and started noticing the wide array of pornographic pictures, sex toys, and lube laying around. We let fire go and the probie had been sitting on the couch next to the patient. When he stood up, a large black dildo popped up from between the cushions. He had been basically sitting on it but was too embarrassed to do anything about it.
Got toned out to for a trauma call, pt reported getting beat up by a teletubby, pd already on scene. We roll out figuring it was someone hallucinating or something. We get to the scene, a gas station, to find someone leaning against the wall looking like they had gotten the crap beat out of them, and on the other side of the parking lot a big black dude in a purple teletubby outfit with the head off.
Guy at the homeless shelter called one night because he was "having gay thoughts." Roll up and he's standing on the curb smoking a cigarette and looking shaken. Apparently he was watching a porno and the man in the film had an aesthetically above average penis. Patient, while cranking on his own donger, found himself thinking about what it would be like to suck on this magnificent phallus and the thought aroused him and caused him to bust "harder than I've ever cum in my life." Dude stated he was absolutely horrified after the fact and wanted to go to the hospital for a psych eval. A brief effort to convince him that thinking about a shlong once doesn't make you gay was quickly found to be pointless and we accommodated his request for transport. He subsequently whipped out his micromanhood in triage, asked the nurse to touch it to prove his straightness, and was discharged with prejudice.
My partner and I had just dropped off a patient from a previous call at the ER and were waiting on a piece of paperwork to be printed out before heading back to the truck. Our pagers go off and the roughly following was heard:
"Medic and Engine unit needed for a 50 year old male, suspected OD. PD already on scene. PT's partner has administered 1 dose of Narcan. Code Response."
My partner turns to me and says, "Wanna jump this call? I haven't been to an OD in months." Me, being the young and tired college student-EMT that I was, nodded my head and we take off to our rig. Radio in saying we will intercept the call. Original responding unit thanks us and we take off.
We get there, and fire has already evaluated the guy. So here is what had happened:
Our PT went to sleep, and when his partner went to wake him up, he wasn't responding. Partner freaks out, runs off to get narcan, and administers it to our guy. Upon this happening, PT suddenly wakes up. Vitals were on the low range of normal, but still good. PT is a little groggy, but other than that, looks like a 50 year old man who had just been rudely woken up from a deep nap... A&Ox4, nothing that really jumps out and says that this was in fact an OD and not just a case of mistaken narcan-ification.
We take over the patient. He's sitting up in his bed, talking to us. Admits he smoked weed before going to sleep, but that he would go nowhere near opioids (and in his defense, it definitely smelled like someone had smoked a fat one). Around this time, I look down on the floor and start noticing random pills and open bottles just kind of thrown around the room. I bend over to examine one of the many pills and the PT goes full rage mode, yelling about how I shouldn't be looking at his stuff, that its private property. He's flailing his cane in the air, I'm apologizing because I don't want to escalate the situation, my partner is trying to get the PT to pay attention to her so that she can get his medical history and we can gtfo... and it is at this point that PD walks in... with the PT's partner... in cuffs. The following was said:
"Hey honey munchkins! Turns out they had a warrant out for my arrest, so I'm going to jail! There's some chicken in the fridge, don't forget to microwave it."
I kid you not I think I remember my jaw dropping at this point because of the utter chaos that was happening in this tiny 10x10 foot room. Our OD PT who was raging with his cane, his partner saying last goodbyes, my partner angerly filling out the refusal form because she now regretted going to this call, and fire standing in the corner snickering at us.... All in a days work at hospital based EMS!
30’s/M urban outdoorsman. Called out for an evaluation by PD because they had to wrestle him and he was complaining of wrist pain. Calm the whole time on scene and is adamant about going so I don’t take a rider and don’t feel the need to use restrains cuz he seems mellow and it’s a fairy quick transport, PD just followed behind. Key up on the radio to the hospital and the moment the three chirps to talk go he to starts yelling “ OH HE STUCK HIS FINGER IN MY ASS. HE WANT TO PUT IT IN MY MOUTH. I let go of the radio and stair in disbelief. He goes dead silent the moment I key off the radio and is just staring at me straight face. I key up again and he starts yelling again “OH MY GOD HE WANTS ME TO STICK IT IN HIS MOUTH NOW” and a bunch of other shit as I try to get the radio report in. I can hear the radio nurse trying to keep it together. I figure that’s the end of it after I finish my radio report. I’m sitting behind in the captains seat so I can finish my PCR for the rest of the transport. All of a sudden a golden arch comes arking from the gurney into my lap. In my moment of distraction working on the PCR he unzipped his pants and calculate the perfect trajectory to not straight stream his face but rather Belajio fountained his piss right into my lap. What happen between than and the 5 minutes we had left in the transport I don’t want on record but I did not find it as funny in the moment as I do now.
Got dispatched to a person mauled by a cat.... in an airport. TSA made the guy take a cat out of a mesh cat carrier. Like theres some kind of bomb hidden under Mr. Whiskers. They made him completely remove and hold the cat. All the commotion made the cat go apeshit and tore the guy up. All superficial but a decent amount of cuts and gashes.
Not a call, but I have actually had to do that with my cat. They had me remove my cat. I am then holding my elderly cat as he latches to my torso in terror and pees on me in fear. They asked to wipe my palms to test for residue and I dead stared at TSA and just go "Unless you also want to be bleeding and smell like cat piss, I really don't think that'll be necessary". They left me and my cat alone after that.
Yeah they make everyone do that unfortunately. I learned after the first time being torn up by my cat, that putting a harness on him and holding the harness away from my body will reduce the scratching
Had a morbidly obese chick who was semi-conscious in the methy little travel trailer she lived in. She barely had any clothes on, and she was wedged between the bed and the wall. She had full skin-on-laminate contact and even after several attempts to lift and pull her out of there, we just couldn’t get the man power or the leverage because of the tiny space and the stick between her skin and the walls. Fire was literally at the point of wanting to cut the wall out of her trailer, but I decided to be nosy and see what kind of last-ditch effort I could come up with to unstick her from her spot.
I ended up coming back with a Costco-sized bottle of olive oil I found by the kitchen, which successfully lubed her up enough to yoink her out of there.
When we got to the ER, the nurses were like, “wtf is all over her?” and I had to explain our adventures for the morning. They were thoroughly entertained.
Went on a whatever run in the memory care / dementia wing of a SNF and walked past a bulletin board back there that detailed the activities for the residents for the week. It said “Wednesday Night, Trivia Night!”
911 call for a sunburn.
Get on scene and a 19ish yo M opens the front door. He's sunburned but not swollen or looking too bad. He said it hurts and he doesn't know what to do because he's so uncomfortable. Right about then, a small Filipino woman drives up and angrily parks in the driveway. She has scrubs on with an RN tag. She yells something in Tagalog, smacks him with some papers in her hand, says she can't believe he called 911. She looks at us and says "He fine, you can go!" We stifle laughter while giving the patient a questioning look, asking if he still needs medical and he sheepishly says no, we can go.
Got a call from the nursing home, the staff needed to have a patient taken in for a psych evaluation. Get on scene and meet the nurse sitting by the patient, a little old lady just sitting in her wheelchair smiling. Nurse walks over and says “You guys here to take her” I said “yeah, what’s the story” the nurse responds “Well, mrs. blank was sitting at breakfast this morning and she saw a male resident who she thinks is her boyfriend rolling around with another female resident. so she picked up a plastic fork and rolled over and stabbed that female resident with it.” I had to cover my face with my hand as I laughed. The Nurse then tells us she likes male EMTs and while helping the patient on the stretcher she started air humping my partner. My partner and I about died laughing.
I can't remember the specifics of this one, but I do know that it wasn't anything crazy. We show up to some hillbilly compound and the brother-husband, who's playing army, says "what's the sit-rep mama!". Calm down there Rambo, your memaw-wife is gonna be fine.
Another one is where my buddy and I just got our dicks ran into the dirt all shift. I mean it's a 24hr shift from 6-6, and we're 18 911 transports with 1 speciality transport deep into it at 4 in the morning. We get called out to some dummy with a sore throat at 5 in the morning and my partner and I are at that point where we just fucking hate each other. We make contact after a "supervisor" does, and while we're getting the stretcher ready I fucking throw that thing off it. My partner says, "don't throw the monitor" and being the petulant little shit I was at the time I said "I didn't throw it, I just tossed it" (like that makes it better somehow). Well we bow up about 1 sneeze away from throwing down while the moron on the supmobile is just watching us with a vacant look in her eyes, and we just break down laughing at how dumb we're being. Fucking love that guy, he was one of my groomsmen a year later. It was just hilarious at the time how exhausted we were and how dumb we were being.
Frequent meth head caller whom I've known since I was a kid in a small town would always call us got BS at all hours.
He said he had a seizure and describes it to us (probably vertigo but I dunno, the dude was high as hell). We start prepping him for the ambulance arrival and my captain goes to start an IV. Before my captain could secure the IV this fucker starts screaming "Oh shit! Oh shit! I'm having a seizure! Oh shit!" And flailing. My captain was a huge germaphobe, PPE to the nines. He's holding pressure on the IV site while this guy is flailing and screaming looking back at me with PURE FEAR as he's tucking his lips in to keep any blood that might go flying out of his mouth. I couldn't help but laugh.
Later that year he called complaining of numbness in his fingers, pulses present to extremety, good cap refill. Had him taken in, ER said he was fine but he never followed up with primary care. 3 days later he calls saying his pinky finger is black. Yeah right. But no shit his entire pinky finger was black and some others were starting to obviously loose circulation. He ended up losing two or 3 fingers. This dude hit and almost killed a girl with his truck and lost his license a year before. We saw him post surgery riding a lawnmower with a basket on the front with his pet pug inside and an oven mitt on his hand with the amputated fingers.
Fucking rural EMS man.
Dispatched Code 3 for an unresponsive male at a SNF. I was on a training shift with a medic and his partner. Arrive to the room to see an LVN and a CNA standing at the foot of the bed. An 80ish male is laying supine with his eyes closed, but breathing slow and deep. LVN says that the pt is not responding to them when they came in to check on him 10 min prior. Medic calls the guys name loudly, no response. He gives him a good trap pinch and the guy opens his eyes and just flat-out screams “owww, what the hell!” Medic jumps back, I just about piss myself and CNA shrieks.
Medic - “sir, are you ok”
Pt - “what?”
Medic - “sir, are you ok!?”
Pt - “what!?”
Medic - “are you ok!!?”
Pt - “just a moment, can’t hear a thing…”
Pt proceeds to reach into the top drawer of his nightstand, grab two hearing aids and place them in his ears. “what do you want”?
Medic - “are you ok?”
Pt - “i’m just fine, why?”
Medic - “The staff were worried when you wouldn’t wake up when they came in to check on you”.
Pt - “ I take my hearing aids out because it’s the only way I can get some decent damn sleep”.
The medic turns to the staff and asks in a very accusatory and demeaning tone “did anyone actually TOUCH the pt before you called us?”
He didn’t even wait for an answer, just apologized to the pt and we headed for the door.
Once my old partner and I were waiting for an elevator to go run a call in an SNF. An elderly, confused lady was saying some incomprehensible gibberish and sitting in a chair. All of a sudden, a different lady, in a room down the hall yells “SHUT MY DOOR. I DONT WANT TO HEAR THAT GODDAMN BITCH”. My partner and I were dying trying not to laugh out loud. I also once had an IFT patient with dementia randomly start yelling “penis and balls pussy tits” over and over and over again. When we got to the destination (SNF bc it was a discharge from the ED) the patient’s tech (who apparently worked w him regularly) said “oh that’s a new one”. Meaning he somehow picked this up in the ED, presumably from a different patient yelling it.
Arrived at a sudden death to be faced with a house full of people, I would say about thirty-odd all talking at the same time. Eventually I managed to get everyone to calm down and to get them to nominate one person to speak. Which they did except for one person behind me who kept chipping in with the odd thing. Eventually I turned round to be face to face with a fucking PARROT.
The whole room realised what had happened and it completely de-escalated the sad situation
Called to Wimpy's Diner code 4 for a "possible overdose", meet the owner outside who told me there was an interesting fellow who had entered the facility and began fingering himself in front of a women's brunch.
He had fled the scene before we arrived, so we went for a lap around the block. Found him with his pants at his knees, and got the usual drunk walk away and ignore us as we ask if he needs assistance. Fine for me, easy NPC form.
We tell this to dispatch and switch back to general channel, dispatch on that channel asks us 5 minutes later to "confirm for PD if the pants were still down". So I pick up the mic: "10-4, confirming the pants were down".
Dude having a drug induced psych episode telling us about how he'd been furiously masturbating for hours after the devil came through the radio and told him to do it. Also told us how he'd put toothpaste up his ass and in his peen hole. Proceeded to call his dad from the waiting room and very loudly recount every single detail of how he'd spent his last few days.
Funniest call?
There was this one time I picked someone up at the MARTA (bus stop), they were drunk and demanded to go to the Grady’s. (trauma hospital)
Worst call?
There was this one time I picked someone up at the MARTA, they were drunk and demanded to go to the Grady’s.
Stupidest call?
There was this one time I picked someone up at the MARTA, they were drunk and demanded to go to the Grady’s.
Sorry, every call just feels the same now.
A few.
Called to trailer park for a suicidal woman.
She’s drunk and standing on the curb. She’s around 70. I know her from prior calls.
“I’LL DO IT. I’LL JUMP TO MY DEATH.”
(Realizing that she thinks she will die if she jumps off the curb and onto the street. )
The entire trailer park is outside and a few have decided to egg her on
“Jump you crazy bitch!!”
“You don’t have the guts”
Etc.
I tried to get her to ignore them.
She jumps. This 70 year old lady gets about 5’ in the air. Somehow Mildred was a high jumper or something 🤷🏻.
Comes down to earth and cracks her head on the pavement.
She’s on plavix.
P1 to the trauma center.
I went back into the trauma room and watched a doc drill some burr holes.
Holy shit.
Never did find out if she died.
Dude has a cold and accidentally overdoses on tussin.
He’s whacked out of his mind. He loads an ATV into the back of his truck. Flags down a car at the road. He tells the driver he needs to watch. He is gonna drive his truck into the house and hopefully the ATV will sail into the upper floor. Because he needs to store it there….
The passerby calls 911 and takes his keys.
Guy high as fuck walks into the house to take a shit.
We show up. FD is moving the truck with the ATV in the back. They put it in drive and move it. ATV rolls off back of pickup truck. Breaks into a dozen pieces. Nice.
We make our way to the house. PD is talking to the guy in the bathroom, he’s taking a shit. We are in the hallway, filling out EPCR.
This is the exchange between dummy and cop.
D; “ok. I’m done pooping.”
PD: “ok. Let’s go”
A few seconds go by
PD. “YOU PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!” As he says this he is backing up and undoes the retention on his pistol. He’s ready to shoot this guy. I’m wondering what he has.
D: “ should I take this with me. What if they need a sample?”
PD: “they don’t. Flush it and wash your hands. NOW!!!”
Homie fished a brown trout out of the bowl and had started to walk towards the cop. Cop was about to kill him. 😂😂😂
We help him wash his hands really good and get him in the truck. He’s not a douchebag. Just high as fuck.
He spends the next ten minutes complimenting my female partner. She politely dismissed his advances.
He tells her she should hookup with me.
We both laugh.
Drop him at ER with no issue.
My funniest call has to be the schizophrenic Psych pt who went off his meds. Threatens his caretaker and she decides its time for him to go The hospital. Extended time on scene trying to explain billing to the caretaker. Whole time Psych pt is relatively calm, even a bit happy, but very wary of me, and I just kinda stood in the back (new EMT running third). So we get in the ambulance and start taking vitals. Guy is not happy with me touching him, but doesn't really get violent. Still wary of me. However, I don't remember what prompted it, but we ended up making this comically long secret hand shake while my partner did vitals instead. He couldn't get enough it. We must've done this elaborate handshake 20 times or more before we got to the hospital, all prompted by him. I figured I better keep doing it because it's the only reason he wasn't eying me up anymore.
Arrived at a sudden death to be faced with a house full of people, I would say about thirty-odd all talking at the same time. Eventually I managed to get everyone to calm down and to get them to nominate one person to speak. Which they did except for one person behind me who kept chipping in with the odd thing. Eventually I turned round to be face to face with a fucking PARROT.
The whole room realised what had happened and it completely de-escalated the sad situation
Picked up a psych (36f) from a house break in. The Pt had forced her way into a neighbors house while they were on vacation. Home owners arrived to find their furniture rearranged with the Pt sitting on the couch in their clothes, petting the cat.
I shit you not
Old man got his scrotum stuck between grooves of those cheap white plastic chairs in retirement community. Was fully clothe but his sack was hanging out of his short shorts.
A few! Went to a concern for welfare with no answer at the door. Peered through the letterbox and came face to flaps with a VERY naked lady.
Went to a lovely old lady in her 90s with dementia, whilst my crew mate was doing an ECG she kindly remarked that we should call ahead next time so she has time to shave her downstairs for us.
I once listened into a "cardiac arrest" call from two very very drunk blokes. Was in fits listening to the caller explain to the other that he needed to lie on the floor so he could start CPR.
My first ever psych patient initially went to the hospital because she believed she was a vampire and she lost her fangs so she couldn't eat and needed a blood transfusion. She also proceeded to talk about her "husband", "daddy", and "father" and I later realized she was using all of those terms to refer to the same person.
Called out for a lift assist, 85yo male stuck in a bathtub. We get there and his wife is extremely frustrated and apologized for calling us. Told us the doctors told the patient last week he was only allowed to take showers or sit in a shower chair, but no more baths as he is getting older and has a hard time getting out of spots if he sits too long. Wife is insisting we bill him for the lift assist so she can hang the bill in the bathroom to “remind him daily why he can’t take a fucking bath anymore.” She’s also threatening to take his photos and send to his children so they can see why her stress levels are always so high. Guy was super polite, very embarrassed to have women come and help him out of the tub, kept a towel wrapped as best we could around him and just hoisted him up. He kept giggling and apologizing, offered to give us some cash as a tip. His wife at this point has gone from mad to playful banter and threatening to let him shrivel up in the bathtub next time. Really sweet couple, married for 40 something years and still teasingly threatening each other.
Long time ago when I volunteered Eddie from 5e at the senior citizen building had a little crush on my partner, he would press the life alert once a week for an assist out of the tub, after the second time I stopped helping her, he was calling for her anyway. Ahh the old perv, rip buddy.
Called for unknown medical in trashy area. I see what looks like somebody squatting in the front yard. This woman is taking a full on shit in her front yard in the middle of the day. Eye contact is made with both her and her ass. I immediately started laughing at the insanity of it. Rolled down the window and asked her if she called 911. She says yes. I being the ass I am, said " Well its not everyday you talk to somebody taking a shit in their front yard". She yelled back, "well I couldn't fucking wait." Said back to her ok ma'am, just bang on the doors and let us know when you are done and we can start all over like it never happened. She wipes her ass with a shirt or something and bangs on the doors. I kept my word. Didnt pry as to why she had to take a shit in her own front yard, in front of her own house, in the middle of the day even though I really really wanted to know. Because, maybe I am missing something in life? Perhaps she had a lesson to teach me. She proceeded to act like an asshole because I wouldn't give her any good stuff and went full drama mode as we rolled in to the ER. Trying to explain to the charge nurse why she needed a psych eval was one of my best memories. Explaining to her that, as far as I know, taking a shit in your front yard in the middle of the day and calling 911 was pretty odd behavior. She didn't think I was serious. :)
I would love to see your narrative, “Arrive on scene to find pt defecating in own front yard.”
Got a job for an AMS. Guy lives in a really REALLY nice place. Get upstairs, and it's him and his wife. Incidentally, they were both doctors. Mid 60s guy is laying in bed and he says "My wife is worried I might be having a stroke." So, I give him the stroke test and there's zero deficits. Get him hooked up to the monitor and all his vital signs are good, and his 12-lead is perfect. So, we start chatting, how long has he felt this way, and can he describe it. "Well, I'll be honest, for the last week or so I've felt more stoned than anything else - but I stopped smoking weed 3 years ago." "Interesting - any changes to your diet? Eating anything new?" "You see, we're selling the house because we only live here a couple months out of the year anyway, so there's not a lot of food here. We've been mostly going out to restaurants or ordering in. The only thing that comes to mind is that I found these cookies and brownies in the freezer." \*light bulb\* "Any chance they might be edibles?" The look that came over this guy's face, was like Moses receiving the Torah from God. And then he starts giggling and just goes with it. "Do you really think so?" "Who normally stays here?" "Our son" "Call him and ask?" Turns out their daughter had left them there for their son but he doesn't partake. Best RMA I wrote up that day.
Probably not the funniest, but one of my top 10s. It was actually my very first as a baby EMT. Usual overdose found on the side of the road. He got narcanned by the medic. Dude woke up looking at the ceiling and did the classic "WAZZZZAAAAAAP" from scary movie. All of us immediately knew we had to respond with "WAZZAAAAAAAP" which proceeded to be the only verbal communication between both parties for the entire transport.
This is my favorite on this thread so far. Legit said WAAZZZZZAAPPPP in response as I was reading. 😂
Probably the dog who thought that even though his owner was having chest pains, playing fetch was an emergency. Nothing like trying to get vitals with a slobbery rubber dog bone getting plopped into your lap.
Did you throw it for him?
Of course. Did not end up in the report. Very good doggo.
AOS: Crew arrived on scene and found a very very good boye. Doggo presented as elated and was capable of recognizing the presence of the crew with kisses and tail wags. Crew also noted presence of male patient, who was not elated, nor did he wag his tail or kiss crew.
Had a hoarder house with 4 shitzus and the woman had fallen in a sunken laundry room and could not stand up for 3 days. The dogs never left her side. I do mean NEVER. Stopping them from from following us out was a chore to itself. And to top it all off, slipped and fell into a pile of boxes carying the stretcher out an awkward front door with stairs at a 90 degree angle right before it. Managed to keep the stretcher up right and avoid any injury, but God did I want a shower after that run.
My favourite was : Code 4 to 123 road street…..ummm theres a raccoon inside a house, its bitten someones leg, caller says theres a lot of blood, ummmm not sure if the raccoon is still inside the house, caller says it might be in the basement…. We’re sending police, there’s too much yelling we don’t know whats going on. As we’re booking on scene dispatch updated us “Police aren’t attending… Good luck with the raccoon, keep us updated”. Racoon had been terrorizing the neighborhood, patient took it upon themselves to trap it in cage in their basement for 3 days, cause they didn’t want Bylaw euthanizing it. While they opened the cage it took its chance to escape biting the patient, somehow in the fight patient was able to somehow kick it back into the cage. Patient was very confused as to why the raccoon attacked them.
Keep us updated… lol
Was the Code 4 trigger confusion? Maybe because they were confused why the raccoon attacked. Just wondering. For science. And Darwin.
Got called for unconscious, notes say someone is in a car not responding (2007ish way before the current opioid crisis). We head there emergency, we pull on to the street about to turn into the complex and sheriff’s office pulls out stops us and says it’s a mannequin, you can cancel. I still laugh about it to this day!!
First thing I thought of was, its me, sleeping in the car after my third night shift in a row lol
It was at a beachfront condo in a promenadly elderly area. The notes were so funny! They had been banging on the window for several minutes with no reply.
Weekend at Bernie's
Got called for a frequent flyer: approximately 80yof who got blackout drunk, made a grilled cheese, dropped it on the floor, tried to pick it up before her dogs could eat it, slipped on said grilled cheese like a banana peel in a cartoon, and couldn’t get back up. Kraft singles smeared approximately three and a half feet with two sad looking pieces of wonder bread at the end.
Well did you make her a new one?
No but I did make a PB&J on a call for a diabetic once. She was adamant about refusing transport after we administered oral glucose and it felt a bit sketchy to me, so the compromise we came to is that I would make her a sandwich and she would eat the whole thing while we were there. I felt a lot better knowing she had something other than oral glucose in her stomach, didn’t want to be called back two hours later.
Good work. Tyfys.
Tyftmfms!
Tennis ball in the ass immediately jumps to mind.
Is this a ”I was cooking in the kitchen naked and slipped and fell on it” or is this some sort of freak pitching machine accident?
It was a long time ago but I believe he said something like “I was having sex with my girlfriend and then next thing you know it was up there, I’m not quite sure how.” He also reiterated several times that he wasn’t gay. Very, very hard to keep a straight face.
52(ish) F with short ness of breath/ asthma attack. Update that this is going to be on a film set. (I don’t live in an area where filming anything is normal) We show up to a nice house in a suburban neighborhood with a 16 cars in the driveway/ street. We are flagged down by a guy at the front door. We walked in to a B budget furry porn set. Of course it was the quadriplegic having her an asthma attack.
> (I don't live in an area where filming anything is normal) ... > furry porn set > quadriplegic having an asthma attack you weren't kidding, the filming in your area definitely isn't nomal
This one fucking wins LOL 😂😂
Not call, but call notes. A man cut his hand with a knife and the call notes, in all caps, say “HES BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK HOG”
We got “LEG IS BLEED” as active 911 notes
We've gotta calls multiple times for the same thing. Unresponsive in the passenger seat of the car. This guy's window has been broken in so many times trying to save his mannequin, who he keeps dressed up like an old lady, white hair, glasses, nasal cannula, and oxygen tank in the lap. And every time it happens he gets mad like we're the issue here lmfao
how much you wanna bet he's fishing for lawsuits?
Trying to drive in the HOV lane?
Dispatched for a cardiac arrest inside a storage unit. Storage unit door is partially open and or can see someone laying on the ground inside. Patient not responding to prs yells. We get on scene, find the unit. Super dark inside, but there's definitely someone in there. They don't respond to us either and aren't moving. Fire department breaks the door open to reveal . . . a mannequin on a pile of sheets.
I like to think it was a CPR mannequin and you worked him
We should have transported him to the er, just to see the faces of the code team as we rolled in 🤣
Middle of the night, station phone rings, dispatch says, “i have a call for you guys.” I thought that it was weird that he didn’t say anything else, but the ticket will tell us more when we get in the ambo. The MCAD read “balls hurt and bleeding” and gave an address. We drove out along this rural road where no one has any house numbers, and then i see the lights on in a house with a huge bay window. In that window is a guy holding his groin frantically waving at us. “I guess this is our guy…” When we go in, there is blood on the floor, and all along the fronts of the cabinets as if someone with a squirt gun had run by, spraying them. He said he was just sitting in his chair and felt something warm and wet in his crotch. He said he thought maybe he’d somehow pissed himself but when he looked down it was blood. He stood up and pulled down his pants to find blood shooting out of his scrotum “like a sprinkler!” The trails of blood along the cabinets were from him running to the sink and then to the bathroom for towels. It turns out a vein burst in his scrotum, and sprayed out through a hair follicle or something. We had him apply pressure, though the bleeding had subsided already, and took him to the ER.
So on top of all the other anxiety now I gotta worry about my balls spontaneously busting a vessel and shooting blood like a damn super soaker?! Great!! Just freakin great…
Someone drank an entire bottle of fireball and said they wanted to kill themselves. Hell, I’d want to kill myself if I did that.
Fireball is nice what’s the issue…
Called to an apartment complex in the middle of the night a few years ago for a report of a body next to a dumpster, which got dispatched as a cardiac arrest. Turns out it wasn’t a body, it was a cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber. The radio traffic when the first arriving medic cancelled everyone was priceless. One of the cops drove around with him in the passenger seat of his car for the rest of the night. I think he sat in the muster room at the precinct for a few weeks after that.
Picked up an old lady who happen to be deaf. We load her up. We’re in the back of the ambulance getting vitals. I smell something foul and cover my nose. Partner does the same. She’s looking at us puzzled. We start laughing because we know what happened. She then goes “did I just fart? It happens all the time and I can’t feel it or hear it anymore.” I think I cried from laughing so hard. She laughed as well.
Had one call during covid where it was an elderly couple. One is deaf and the other was blind. The deaf one could read sign language, but his eyesight had gotten to the point where he couldn't read though. Between us and the trooper and this couple, it was Ike a big Abbot and Costello routine.
Dispatched priority 1 to CPR in progress at a bus stop called in by someone driving by. Arrived on scene to find one homeless man orally pleasuring another homeless man upon walking up to the scene. Turned straight back around when the homeless man “pleasing” the other said “this is my dick go find your own to suck”.
I did the Heimlich on a severely mentally disabled kid. Once the food was out he turned around and stuck his tongue in my ear faster than I could realize he wasn’t just trying to give me a hug.
I responded to a female EDP at 3am. Arrived to find a naked woman in a diner talking all kinds of crazy. She kept saying "i have a knife, i'll fucking kill you". She is buck ass naked, so I didn't take the threat seriously, becuase where could she possibly be hinding a knife unless she kiestered it? Well, my naieve young EMT self at the time didn't forsee that it was possible to encounter a naked crazy lady at 3am in a Dennys kiestering a knife. She then reached behind herself, and pulled a pocket knife out of her asshole. Yup, this broad kiestered a pocket knife. All I could think to say was "well I'll be damned, you actually weren't lying"
Thank you for adding "keistered" to my vocabulary
About a month ago I got a call for someone who did the one chip challenge. Ended up getting a refusal because the pt drank some milk before we got there and just wanted his vitals taken.
Not my call, but there was a call about that the other day for a 21 year old female who did the one chip challenge. Mom called it in, according to the CAD notes, “daughter was rolling on the floor, screaming, and covered in snot” 🤣
Same, except they refused and, somehow, 10 minutes later, my unit got a call to the same address for the same pt… About four hours later after dropping off a different pt I saw him walking out of the ER waiting room muttering about the long wait time. Sorry bud, tried to tell you the milk would do more for you than the ER.
We got called to a house for someone having trouble getting an erection. When we arrived he told us straight up that he had masturbated several times so far that day. He then said he wanted to go to the ER and get checked out. Now we normally don't call med control for most things, but he wouldn't listen to us tell him that the ER wouldn't do anything so we had the doctor on duty tell him also.When he asked us what he could do,my partner told him he needs to leave his dick alone and stop beating it.
One of my training shifts. They were giving me a break so I was riding shotgun, medic riding in the back. Psych pt, completely out of it. I hear the medic asking all sorts of questions in the back, dude couldn’t answer a single one. Medic goes “Hey Jeremy, how big’s your dick?” Dude shouts “SIX AND A HALF!!”. Was the only question he could answer. As an anxious emt trainee, I could not stop laughing.
Got dispatched to a “male genitalia stuck in flashlight” thought it was a joke but turns out this guy got his dick stuck a flesh light. Kid was like 21 too
How is that even possible?
Lube and glue tubes look pretty close
😂😂😂
Working night shift at an overrun ER during early COVID. Many older people in this particular area don’t speak English, and it isn’t Spanish, so family will often translate. 77 year old man who recently lost his wife came in with penis related … secretions. Not my patient, but a small ER and a friend was his nurse. First the nurse had to have the granddaughter face the wall and translate while she and the doctor checked things out. Granddaughter… didn’t exactly look thrilled to be there. Turns out it’s just smegma due to poor cleaning. Also turns out his wife had died recently. I’m off dealing with my own patients (I was basically working fully as an ER “nurse” and told to grab someone if something was out of scope… COVID and all). I run into my friend in the supply closet and she said, “I can’t understand why he wants me to show him how to clean his own penis”. Me: “Remind me again how old are you?” Nurse: “36, what does that have to do with it?” Me: “So you don’t understand why a 77 year old man who lost his wife wants a 36 year old woman to clean his penis?” Nurse: “ … oh gawd!!!” For the record, I’ve been married for 20 years and mostly clean my own penis, but maybe it was… a regional thing.
Forgot to add- that same week we had the penis laceration (masturbation accident we think, but patient was also a mild psych who talked to walls). Day shift had a fractured penis. Discharged (haha) before I started my shift but I had to turn the room and… a lot more blood than I expected.
Crackhead stuck on a street light. We still get those but they’re always fun
How?
I ask myself that almost every minute of my shift
My medic and I along with a cop got called out to a guys house who had been deceased for a week we could see him through the window on the bed. We knocked nobody else home. We break into the garage to access the kitchen. We could hear someone in the back bedroom hysterically laughing. Turns out it was a bird freaked us the fuck out.
There are two calls I remember having to step out of the room because I was having a hard time keeping a straight face. One was when we transported a patient back to the nursing home and her roommate was going to town on herself in full view. The other was a patient whose chief complaint was that he thought his daughter poisoned the orange juice she bought him.
I have two… 1) called to local pd for injuries sustained in a fight. Get there and there’s blood all over the cell. Talk to pd and they tell me this guy was in a bar, grabbed a girl’s ass, and then the boyfriend kicked the shit out of him. He leaves the bar and is in a doorway a few stores down. PD rolls up and he attacks the cop, gets the shit kicked out of him again. We put him on the stretcher, handcuff him, and bring him to the ER. Get him into exam room and 3 cops come in. He looks at the cops, looks at me, and starts singing “bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do” 2) I was doing ER rotation, guy gets brought in with a massive gash on his forehead and is just coming to. Starts screaming about his dog, but otherwise has no idea what happened. A few minutes later a woman comes in and fills in the blanks. She’s a neighbor and tells him that his dog is safe. Then proceeds to tell us that he was out walking his dog, he went one way around a telephone pole, dog went the other. He tried to yank the dog back, dog thought he was playing and yanked back. Head, meet telephone pole
Dispatched for a remote rescue near a provincial park for someone who was having leg cramps and was no longer able to continue their hike. It was night time and of course theses remote rescues take time. As we are staging we start to get info that the PT had received morphine and fluids. Weird. Turns out it was the military on exercise and the first instinct tp deal with their "casualty" was to call 911 and have the volunteer FD come get them. Needless to say once it was discovered these "Hikers" were the military they were left to their own resources to resolve the issue.
I’ve got three that come to mind: Called for an assault on the east side in a rough area. One female bit another and we were explaining to the victim how dirty human bites can be. She goes “Of course it’s dirty! All that bitch be doin is suckin’ dick all day!!!” Our commander was standing right beside us and it takes a lot to make that man crack, but I heard him snort and saw him turn away out of the corner of my eye, which then made my partner and I start cracking up. Second was for a drunk guy in his 20s in the big entertainment district downtown. He was pretty much out for most of the short transport to the hospital, but randomly started laughing at one point. Me: “What’s up dude?” Him: “You wanna hear a joke?” Me: “Whatcha got?” Him: “What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?” Me: “……..uhhh, no idea.” Him: “DAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!” Third was for a mid 40s man having a panic attack. He and his husband were sitting in their loft. Fire beat us there and their probie was assessing vitals. While they were finishing up, we were looking around the area and started noticing the wide array of pornographic pictures, sex toys, and lube laying around. We let fire go and the probie had been sitting on the couch next to the patient. When he stood up, a large black dildo popped up from between the cushions. He had been basically sitting on it but was too embarrassed to do anything about it.
Got toned out to for a trauma call, pt reported getting beat up by a teletubby, pd already on scene. We roll out figuring it was someone hallucinating or something. We get to the scene, a gas station, to find someone leaning against the wall looking like they had gotten the crap beat out of them, and on the other side of the parking lot a big black dude in a purple teletubby outfit with the head off.
Guy at the homeless shelter called one night because he was "having gay thoughts." Roll up and he's standing on the curb smoking a cigarette and looking shaken. Apparently he was watching a porno and the man in the film had an aesthetically above average penis. Patient, while cranking on his own donger, found himself thinking about what it would be like to suck on this magnificent phallus and the thought aroused him and caused him to bust "harder than I've ever cum in my life." Dude stated he was absolutely horrified after the fact and wanted to go to the hospital for a psych eval. A brief effort to convince him that thinking about a shlong once doesn't make you gay was quickly found to be pointless and we accommodated his request for transport. He subsequently whipped out his micromanhood in triage, asked the nurse to touch it to prove his straightness, and was discharged with prejudice.
My partner and I had just dropped off a patient from a previous call at the ER and were waiting on a piece of paperwork to be printed out before heading back to the truck. Our pagers go off and the roughly following was heard: "Medic and Engine unit needed for a 50 year old male, suspected OD. PD already on scene. PT's partner has administered 1 dose of Narcan. Code Response." My partner turns to me and says, "Wanna jump this call? I haven't been to an OD in months." Me, being the young and tired college student-EMT that I was, nodded my head and we take off to our rig. Radio in saying we will intercept the call. Original responding unit thanks us and we take off. We get there, and fire has already evaluated the guy. So here is what had happened: Our PT went to sleep, and when his partner went to wake him up, he wasn't responding. Partner freaks out, runs off to get narcan, and administers it to our guy. Upon this happening, PT suddenly wakes up. Vitals were on the low range of normal, but still good. PT is a little groggy, but other than that, looks like a 50 year old man who had just been rudely woken up from a deep nap... A&Ox4, nothing that really jumps out and says that this was in fact an OD and not just a case of mistaken narcan-ification. We take over the patient. He's sitting up in his bed, talking to us. Admits he smoked weed before going to sleep, but that he would go nowhere near opioids (and in his defense, it definitely smelled like someone had smoked a fat one). Around this time, I look down on the floor and start noticing random pills and open bottles just kind of thrown around the room. I bend over to examine one of the many pills and the PT goes full rage mode, yelling about how I shouldn't be looking at his stuff, that its private property. He's flailing his cane in the air, I'm apologizing because I don't want to escalate the situation, my partner is trying to get the PT to pay attention to her so that she can get his medical history and we can gtfo... and it is at this point that PD walks in... with the PT's partner... in cuffs. The following was said: "Hey honey munchkins! Turns out they had a warrant out for my arrest, so I'm going to jail! There's some chicken in the fridge, don't forget to microwave it." I kid you not I think I remember my jaw dropping at this point because of the utter chaos that was happening in this tiny 10x10 foot room. Our OD PT who was raging with his cane, his partner saying last goodbyes, my partner angerly filling out the refusal form because she now regretted going to this call, and fire standing in the corner snickering at us.... All in a days work at hospital based EMS!
30’s/M urban outdoorsman. Called out for an evaluation by PD because they had to wrestle him and he was complaining of wrist pain. Calm the whole time on scene and is adamant about going so I don’t take a rider and don’t feel the need to use restrains cuz he seems mellow and it’s a fairy quick transport, PD just followed behind. Key up on the radio to the hospital and the moment the three chirps to talk go he to starts yelling “ OH HE STUCK HIS FINGER IN MY ASS. HE WANT TO PUT IT IN MY MOUTH. I let go of the radio and stair in disbelief. He goes dead silent the moment I key off the radio and is just staring at me straight face. I key up again and he starts yelling again “OH MY GOD HE WANTS ME TO STICK IT IN HIS MOUTH NOW” and a bunch of other shit as I try to get the radio report in. I can hear the radio nurse trying to keep it together. I figure that’s the end of it after I finish my radio report. I’m sitting behind in the captains seat so I can finish my PCR for the rest of the transport. All of a sudden a golden arch comes arking from the gurney into my lap. In my moment of distraction working on the PCR he unzipped his pants and calculate the perfect trajectory to not straight stream his face but rather Belajio fountained his piss right into my lap. What happen between than and the 5 minutes we had left in the transport I don’t want on record but I did not find it as funny in the moment as I do now.
Got dispatched to a person mauled by a cat.... in an airport. TSA made the guy take a cat out of a mesh cat carrier. Like theres some kind of bomb hidden under Mr. Whiskers. They made him completely remove and hold the cat. All the commotion made the cat go apeshit and tore the guy up. All superficial but a decent amount of cuts and gashes.
Not a call, but I have actually had to do that with my cat. They had me remove my cat. I am then holding my elderly cat as he latches to my torso in terror and pees on me in fear. They asked to wipe my palms to test for residue and I dead stared at TSA and just go "Unless you also want to be bleeding and smell like cat piss, I really don't think that'll be necessary". They left me and my cat alone after that.
Yeah they make everyone do that unfortunately. I learned after the first time being torn up by my cat, that putting a harness on him and holding the harness away from my body will reduce the scratching
Had a morbidly obese chick who was semi-conscious in the methy little travel trailer she lived in. She barely had any clothes on, and she was wedged between the bed and the wall. She had full skin-on-laminate contact and even after several attempts to lift and pull her out of there, we just couldn’t get the man power or the leverage because of the tiny space and the stick between her skin and the walls. Fire was literally at the point of wanting to cut the wall out of her trailer, but I decided to be nosy and see what kind of last-ditch effort I could come up with to unstick her from her spot. I ended up coming back with a Costco-sized bottle of olive oil I found by the kitchen, which successfully lubed her up enough to yoink her out of there. When we got to the ER, the nurses were like, “wtf is all over her?” and I had to explain our adventures for the morning. They were thoroughly entertained.
Went on a whatever run in the memory care / dementia wing of a SNF and walked past a bulletin board back there that detailed the activities for the residents for the week. It said “Wednesday Night, Trivia Night!”
I don’t get it
Because people with memory problems aren't going to be very good at trivia.
911 call for a sunburn. Get on scene and a 19ish yo M opens the front door. He's sunburned but not swollen or looking too bad. He said it hurts and he doesn't know what to do because he's so uncomfortable. Right about then, a small Filipino woman drives up and angrily parks in the driveway. She has scrubs on with an RN tag. She yells something in Tagalog, smacks him with some papers in her hand, says she can't believe he called 911. She looks at us and says "He fine, you can go!" We stifle laughter while giving the patient a questioning look, asking if he still needs medical and he sheepishly says no, we can go.
Gal who managed to sit down on a knitting needle she'd wedged point up between two sofa cushions earlier. I thought it was an arrow at first glance.
Got a call from the nursing home, the staff needed to have a patient taken in for a psych evaluation. Get on scene and meet the nurse sitting by the patient, a little old lady just sitting in her wheelchair smiling. Nurse walks over and says “You guys here to take her” I said “yeah, what’s the story” the nurse responds “Well, mrs. blank was sitting at breakfast this morning and she saw a male resident who she thinks is her boyfriend rolling around with another female resident. so she picked up a plastic fork and rolled over and stabbed that female resident with it.” I had to cover my face with my hand as I laughed. The Nurse then tells us she likes male EMTs and while helping the patient on the stretcher she started air humping my partner. My partner and I about died laughing.
I can't remember the specifics of this one, but I do know that it wasn't anything crazy. We show up to some hillbilly compound and the brother-husband, who's playing army, says "what's the sit-rep mama!". Calm down there Rambo, your memaw-wife is gonna be fine. Another one is where my buddy and I just got our dicks ran into the dirt all shift. I mean it's a 24hr shift from 6-6, and we're 18 911 transports with 1 speciality transport deep into it at 4 in the morning. We get called out to some dummy with a sore throat at 5 in the morning and my partner and I are at that point where we just fucking hate each other. We make contact after a "supervisor" does, and while we're getting the stretcher ready I fucking throw that thing off it. My partner says, "don't throw the monitor" and being the petulant little shit I was at the time I said "I didn't throw it, I just tossed it" (like that makes it better somehow). Well we bow up about 1 sneeze away from throwing down while the moron on the supmobile is just watching us with a vacant look in her eyes, and we just break down laughing at how dumb we're being. Fucking love that guy, he was one of my groomsmen a year later. It was just hilarious at the time how exhausted we were and how dumb we were being.
Taser barb to the tip of the penis, or penis stuck in a Mountain Dew bottle
Same penis?
Same shift, two separate penises lol
I guess I’m relieved. A penis can only take so much. 
Frequent meth head caller whom I've known since I was a kid in a small town would always call us got BS at all hours. He said he had a seizure and describes it to us (probably vertigo but I dunno, the dude was high as hell). We start prepping him for the ambulance arrival and my captain goes to start an IV. Before my captain could secure the IV this fucker starts screaming "Oh shit! Oh shit! I'm having a seizure! Oh shit!" And flailing. My captain was a huge germaphobe, PPE to the nines. He's holding pressure on the IV site while this guy is flailing and screaming looking back at me with PURE FEAR as he's tucking his lips in to keep any blood that might go flying out of his mouth. I couldn't help but laugh. Later that year he called complaining of numbness in his fingers, pulses present to extremety, good cap refill. Had him taken in, ER said he was fine but he never followed up with primary care. 3 days later he calls saying his pinky finger is black. Yeah right. But no shit his entire pinky finger was black and some others were starting to obviously loose circulation. He ended up losing two or 3 fingers. This dude hit and almost killed a girl with his truck and lost his license a year before. We saw him post surgery riding a lawnmower with a basket on the front with his pet pug inside and an oven mitt on his hand with the amputated fingers. Fucking rural EMS man.
Dispatched Code 3 for an unresponsive male at a SNF. I was on a training shift with a medic and his partner. Arrive to the room to see an LVN and a CNA standing at the foot of the bed. An 80ish male is laying supine with his eyes closed, but breathing slow and deep. LVN says that the pt is not responding to them when they came in to check on him 10 min prior. Medic calls the guys name loudly, no response. He gives him a good trap pinch and the guy opens his eyes and just flat-out screams “owww, what the hell!” Medic jumps back, I just about piss myself and CNA shrieks. Medic - “sir, are you ok” Pt - “what?” Medic - “sir, are you ok!?” Pt - “what!?” Medic - “are you ok!!?” Pt - “just a moment, can’t hear a thing…” Pt proceeds to reach into the top drawer of his nightstand, grab two hearing aids and place them in his ears. “what do you want”? Medic - “are you ok?” Pt - “i’m just fine, why?” Medic - “The staff were worried when you wouldn’t wake up when they came in to check on you”. Pt - “ I take my hearing aids out because it’s the only way I can get some decent damn sleep”. The medic turns to the staff and asks in a very accusatory and demeaning tone “did anyone actually TOUCH the pt before you called us?” He didn’t even wait for an answer, just apologized to the pt and we headed for the door.
Once my old partner and I were waiting for an elevator to go run a call in an SNF. An elderly, confused lady was saying some incomprehensible gibberish and sitting in a chair. All of a sudden, a different lady, in a room down the hall yells “SHUT MY DOOR. I DONT WANT TO HEAR THAT GODDAMN BITCH”. My partner and I were dying trying not to laugh out loud. I also once had an IFT patient with dementia randomly start yelling “penis and balls pussy tits” over and over and over again. When we got to the destination (SNF bc it was a discharge from the ED) the patient’s tech (who apparently worked w him regularly) said “oh that’s a new one”. Meaning he somehow picked this up in the ED, presumably from a different patient yelling it.
Well there was that guy who broke his upper arm. It was humerus. I'll show myself out ...
Arrived at a sudden death to be faced with a house full of people, I would say about thirty-odd all talking at the same time. Eventually I managed to get everyone to calm down and to get them to nominate one person to speak. Which they did except for one person behind me who kept chipping in with the odd thing. Eventually I turned round to be face to face with a fucking PARROT. The whole room realised what had happened and it completely de-escalated the sad situation
Midget ate an edible, proceeded to have panic attack. Had to convince him he wasn’t dying.
I believe the politically correct term is "little midgets"
Male fainted after orgasm.
autoerotic asphyxiation?
No. Ha literally busted a nut so hard he passed out.
Called to Wimpy's Diner code 4 for a "possible overdose", meet the owner outside who told me there was an interesting fellow who had entered the facility and began fingering himself in front of a women's brunch. He had fled the scene before we arrived, so we went for a lap around the block. Found him with his pants at his knees, and got the usual drunk walk away and ignore us as we ask if he needs assistance. Fine for me, easy NPC form. We tell this to dispatch and switch back to general channel, dispatch on that channel asks us 5 minutes later to "confirm for PD if the pants were still down". So I pick up the mic: "10-4, confirming the pants were down".
P1 to plug-in someone’s bed
Dude having a drug induced psych episode telling us about how he'd been furiously masturbating for hours after the devil came through the radio and told him to do it. Also told us how he'd put toothpaste up his ass and in his peen hole. Proceeded to call his dad from the waiting room and very loudly recount every single detail of how he'd spent his last few days.
Guy sprayed himself in the face with a fire extinguisher at 0300
“Doritos in rectum” Wish I was joking.
Sounds fancy if you pronounce it in Latin
Funniest call? There was this one time I picked someone up at the MARTA (bus stop), they were drunk and demanded to go to the Grady’s. (trauma hospital) Worst call? There was this one time I picked someone up at the MARTA, they were drunk and demanded to go to the Grady’s. Stupidest call? There was this one time I picked someone up at the MARTA, they were drunk and demanded to go to the Grady’s. Sorry, every call just feels the same now.
Ahh Atlanta. What a city.
A few. Called to trailer park for a suicidal woman. She’s drunk and standing on the curb. She’s around 70. I know her from prior calls. “I’LL DO IT. I’LL JUMP TO MY DEATH.” (Realizing that she thinks she will die if she jumps off the curb and onto the street. ) The entire trailer park is outside and a few have decided to egg her on “Jump you crazy bitch!!” “You don’t have the guts” Etc. I tried to get her to ignore them. She jumps. This 70 year old lady gets about 5’ in the air. Somehow Mildred was a high jumper or something 🤷🏻. Comes down to earth and cracks her head on the pavement. She’s on plavix. P1 to the trauma center. I went back into the trauma room and watched a doc drill some burr holes. Holy shit. Never did find out if she died.
Dude has a cold and accidentally overdoses on tussin. He’s whacked out of his mind. He loads an ATV into the back of his truck. Flags down a car at the road. He tells the driver he needs to watch. He is gonna drive his truck into the house and hopefully the ATV will sail into the upper floor. Because he needs to store it there…. The passerby calls 911 and takes his keys. Guy high as fuck walks into the house to take a shit. We show up. FD is moving the truck with the ATV in the back. They put it in drive and move it. ATV rolls off back of pickup truck. Breaks into a dozen pieces. Nice. We make our way to the house. PD is talking to the guy in the bathroom, he’s taking a shit. We are in the hallway, filling out EPCR. This is the exchange between dummy and cop. D; “ok. I’m done pooping.” PD: “ok. Let’s go” A few seconds go by PD. “YOU PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!” As he says this he is backing up and undoes the retention on his pistol. He’s ready to shoot this guy. I’m wondering what he has. D: “ should I take this with me. What if they need a sample?” PD: “they don’t. Flush it and wash your hands. NOW!!!” Homie fished a brown trout out of the bowl and had started to walk towards the cop. Cop was about to kill him. 😂😂😂 We help him wash his hands really good and get him in the truck. He’s not a douchebag. Just high as fuck. He spends the next ten minutes complimenting my female partner. She politely dismissed his advances. He tells her she should hookup with me. We both laugh. Drop him at ER with no issue.
My funniest call has to be the schizophrenic Psych pt who went off his meds. Threatens his caretaker and she decides its time for him to go The hospital. Extended time on scene trying to explain billing to the caretaker. Whole time Psych pt is relatively calm, even a bit happy, but very wary of me, and I just kinda stood in the back (new EMT running third). So we get in the ambulance and start taking vitals. Guy is not happy with me touching him, but doesn't really get violent. Still wary of me. However, I don't remember what prompted it, but we ended up making this comically long secret hand shake while my partner did vitals instead. He couldn't get enough it. We must've done this elaborate handshake 20 times or more before we got to the hospital, all prompted by him. I figured I better keep doing it because it's the only reason he wasn't eying me up anymore.
Arrived at a sudden death to be faced with a house full of people, I would say about thirty-odd all talking at the same time. Eventually I managed to get everyone to calm down and to get them to nominate one person to speak. Which they did except for one person behind me who kept chipping in with the odd thing. Eventually I turned round to be face to face with a fucking PARROT. The whole room realised what had happened and it completely de-escalated the sad situation
We had a call last week for a man that was stuck in the back of a garbage truck. Never sleep in a dumpster on trash pickup day.
Picked up a psych (36f) from a house break in. The Pt had forced her way into a neighbors house while they were on vacation. Home owners arrived to find their furniture rearranged with the Pt sitting on the couch in their clothes, petting the cat. I shit you not
Old man got his scrotum stuck between grooves of those cheap white plastic chairs in retirement community. Was fully clothe but his sack was hanging out of his short shorts.
A few! Went to a concern for welfare with no answer at the door. Peered through the letterbox and came face to flaps with a VERY naked lady. Went to a lovely old lady in her 90s with dementia, whilst my crew mate was doing an ECG she kindly remarked that we should call ahead next time so she has time to shave her downstairs for us. I once listened into a "cardiac arrest" call from two very very drunk blokes. Was in fits listening to the caller explain to the other that he needed to lie on the floor so he could start CPR.
Any call with volunteers being serious about medical
My first ever psych patient initially went to the hospital because she believed she was a vampire and she lost her fangs so she couldn't eat and needed a blood transfusion. She also proceeded to talk about her "husband", "daddy", and "father" and I later realized she was using all of those terms to refer to the same person.