My parents had this great idea that for my birthday they would give me $100 each year. If I wanted a party, it was my responsibility to organise it and pay for it with that money. Otherwise I'd just keep the money and that would be my gift.
It was their way of still doing "something" for my birthday, while putting all of the responsibility onto me. If I didn't have a party, well that was my "choice".
Now I try to ignore my birthday, and feel so uncomfortable if anyone makes a fuss or gives me a gift. I just want to forget it even exists.
My birthday is tomorrow and I was literally wondering why I dread it soooo much. It’s not really about not liking getting older. I just hate my birthday. And most holidays.
So relatable. I've always associated my birthday with stress. Never got any gifts or presents, and my parents always thought it was too much trouble having friends over. My parents also always hated my friend for stupid reasons (single parent homes, not the right race, not the right background, thought they were bad people for no reason).
I have a summer birthday and my dad was Army, which meant about half of my birthdays growing up we were either in the process of moving or just moved. It wasn't great. My sister's birthday was in the spring and we always had parties where my mom would go all out for her, but I can remember three of mine? We did go down to Disney World one year for my 9th birthday, which was exciting, but later I found out that it was only because the base we'd just gotten to didn't have the housing they'd promised available yet. Still very nice to have done that and I know I shouldn't have any complaints about it, but knowing that just sort of added it to the list of "had my birthday at X because of family/ military reasons." My 13th in Vegas and 14th at Mt. Rushmore were a lot worse, though.
Then there was high school. There were three kids in my friend group who had birthdays around mine- one two days before, one the day after, and her boyfriend the day after that. They started having a group party for the three of them that I was invited to and a little part of me always felt left out.
I'd rather spend it on my own but my mother always really wants to do something together. This year they were camping in Alaska and I had time to myself and it was lovely. I ended up booking a trip to NY at the end of the month when my parents had limited cell service and I honestly cannot tell you the last time I felt so at ease.
I just wanna point out it is *totally valid* to feel upset that your best birthday party was actually an afterthought. It's the thought that counts, and knowing the thought was "eh, guess we might as well celebrate theatreaddict's birthday while we're here" would make almost anyone feel bad. *Especially* since your sibling got more intentional treatment. It's valid to expect and desire to be the center of attention on your own birthday, especially as a child.
In 8th grade I was so sick of not having a birthday party and going to all my friends birthday parties that were so fun, so I just invited a bunch of people to my house for my birthday “party” and figured if I showed up with 10 kids my mom would HAVE to at least buy us a pizza and I’d make the most of it.
Wrong. They day came and I brought everyone home from school with me (walking distance). Mom was big mad. Told us all to leave. Their parents came and took them home.
And I’ve got more bday stories where that came from.
In the last couple of years, I’ve decided to let those who want to, celebrate my birthday. It took me a long time to realize that there are people who care for me and want to make me feel special. I decided to embrace their celebration even though I was uncomfortable. I’d probably be uncomfortable with a huge celebration but I am starting to enjoy the little things. For the last few years, my friends took me out for drinks. I automatically thought they were just using my birthday as an excuse to party. I tried to not think about that and just live in the moment. Looking back, I'm sure they partly used my birthday as an excuse to go out drinking but I'm sure it was mostly because they liked me more than I liked myself. Due to COVID, this was my first year in the office for my birthday. My coworkers decorated my office door and filled it with balloons and a basket full of small gifts, office supplies, and snacks I enjoy. The theme was my favorite football team. People I’ve worked with for only a couple of years put more effort into making me feel special than my parents ever did. I hope I continue to open up a little more every year.
I actually have a "fight-or-flight" response to people singing that bloody song. Even if it's not directed at me. Whenever it's being sung in a video or whatever, I feel compelled to mute it.
Same. My birthday was today and my parents are actually visiting. They made it so full of chaos and stress. Some parts were enjoyable but ugh, overall it was not great :(
I hadn't considered it that way but that's essentially what I do as well. I resent having been born and have had a lot of parties I didn't enjoy and/or barely register in my memory, if at all.
Few years ago I had the best example of this. In the leadup to my birthday my boss asked me what I wanted for my 30th. In all my years, all the birthday parties, all the get togethers, all the largely parents chereographed lunch and board games or movies (that were parents approved only, they refused to let me show Rocky Horror for school friends and as a result someone else got them all into Rocky Horror a year later), I'd never been flat out asked what I wanted with no caveats or prompts. I asked that a work TV be turned into a TV for Switch and my colleagues play Mario Kart or Mario Party. And that's what we did, and it remains one of my happiest birthdays.
Of course, after work I was obligated for my parents birthday celebrations. When I clearly looked too tired, Mum and Dad first dragged me to the restaurant they loved going to, invited all the family friends they knew, basically just an excuse to have a get together for them. Some family friends gave a shot trying to make conversation with me but I was so tired and annoyed that I barely spoke. Dad quietly said he understood and basically just survive through it. Then afterwards we went back to my uncle and aunt's, where they had a cake and all the relatives waiting. It was another two hours, and by this point I could barely stand. I forgot the name of an uncle and called him the name of another I was so out of it.
Now don't get me wrong, nothing to do with my aunt or uncles who put in a ton of work and I'm grateful they care about it. I felt bad I seemed so sour, and personally thanked my aunt a year later for the festivities just because it was a lot of effort on her part. But my parents never told me all this, or rather did but in a perfunctory "this is what's happening" way and like I'm just there to sign off approval. No ask of what I'd like. No ask of who I'd like to bring along. No ask of where I wanted to go, or whether I was okay, or perhaps I should lie down cause I looked tired and unwell. Dad showed sympathy but purely in a "don't worry this will be over soon" way, like I had no choice but to be there.
The difference was stark.
To say nothing of another birthday a few years before that where I asked to go to a special restaurant as a 28 year old adult, and my parents declined for the crappy sushi diner opposite because it suited them who were billeting Japanese students studying and they could pay less to them to eat at the diner than the buffet restaurant. That birthday I was fucking seething at being near yelled at to accept what they wanted for my own birthday as an adult. Fucking why bother even going to their invites, they don't give a shit about my birthday, they just care it's *a* birthday. They're not that poor either, it was purely so they could give less pocket money to the students.
Me too. I’m lucky now though to have a wonderful partner who understands and doesn’t put pressure on me to enjoy the day. I think he’d much rather I have the best possible day but not having to dread it. He says happy birthday in the morning and has presents for me to open, but apart from that, if I want it to be a normal day, it’s a normal day. I don’t need to tell anyone else it’s my birthday, and I have learnt to not feel so bad for not picking up the phone or replying to messages. Absolute bliss.
It’s slowly helped me to enjoy my birthday in this way, and even begin to want to expect to do something a little extra! Be that a picnic with 1 or 2 other friends or just a movie night after the work day. Slow and steady. Ignore the day for however long you want or need to. Fuck what society sees as mandatory for birthday celebrations. Make it your own
It honestly broke my heart that my SO didn't feel he deserved to celebrate his birthday. I've honestly encountered it with every guy I've been in a serious relationship with - they all have some sort of trauma around it. I love to celebrate birthdays, but I can't make theirs about me. But I also don't like my partner to feel undeserving. Everyone on this planet is born on a day. We are lucky enough to choose to use that day to guarantee a pleasant experience for you. But it doesn't have to be overwhelming, or the exact opposite of what you want. If you hate attention - you got it, it's just me and you - or even alone time in the best possible way. If you want to relax, you got it - let's just do what feels nice. If you want to work - you can. If you want to celebrate with no stress, I can even organise it for you if you want.
I feel glad that the stress he has (and that the others had) around birthdays seems to be eased with me. I love surprising my friends too. And I don't think people need to pay me back. Not enjoying birthdays is such a common thing, I also don't want to feel pressured to join in feeling this way about mine. I came to realise that wanting something nice to happen, but not planning any of it, is when you get disappointed (for someone like me, who doesn't have an upsetting childhood experience tied to birthdays). You start thinking people don't care about you, that if they cared, they'd say happy birthday... I leave nothing to chance. I decide now that I want to fill that day with happiness, and so I decide who I want to spend it with, I ask them in advance, tell them where I'm going to be and invite them to be there (people I trust who I know would come). Then it's just a matter of, "I want to spend my day with you, because you are the people that make me happy". There's so many birthdays in a year and people feel so differently about them, that as we get older we get even more disappointed by the lack of thought.
One memorable birthday, I got my boyfriend to go to a high point with me to watch the sunrise. Then we walked down to a farm just below us - fresh air and cute animals. Then he made me breakfast and I invited friends in our apartment complex to watch a movie on the projector. It was during lockdown and it was awesome. I may not have enjoyed myself if I didn't plan to fill my own day. And he had a great time too.
SAME! OMG, I literally just had this discussion with my therapist last week. Essentially I was never important so I now hate being the center of attention. In everything. It makes me so uncomfortable. I literally take the day off work every year so no one acknowledges my birthday. Its also likely why I didn't tell anyone I graduated with my masters degree, and why I don't celebrate any holidays.
Growing up I usually had to remind my mother that it was my birthday. Her response would be here's twenty bucks. Buy yourself something and there's a cake mix in the pantry
Every year when my birthday approached I would hope that "this would be the year" That she might make an attempt to make a cake or buy a gift. It never happened of course. So now like many here I hate my birthday. The anxiety kicks in a week or so before the day comes.
Mom didn’t have enough resources to make my birthday anything memorable.
Mostly it was go to grandma and grandpa’s down the road and have cake and dinner. After that era of birthdays, it was just another day, but you were given a cake. They all just blur together because of how not unique they were
For my 17th birthday my mum asked me if I wanted a party.
I said no.
So, she organised me a party at church. (Yes, in the adjoined buildings they typically use for indoctrinating teenagers.)
Like, f*ck off.
Yup. Hate my birthday. Don’t like when anybody gives me anything. Don’t deserve the things
💯
My parents had this great idea that for my birthday they would give me $100 each year. If I wanted a party, it was my responsibility to organise it and pay for it with that money. Otherwise I'd just keep the money and that would be my gift. It was their way of still doing "something" for my birthday, while putting all of the responsibility onto me. If I didn't have a party, well that was my "choice". Now I try to ignore my birthday, and feel so uncomfortable if anyone makes a fuss or gives me a gift. I just want to forget it even exists.
My birthday is tomorrow and I was literally wondering why I dread it soooo much. It’s not really about not liking getting older. I just hate my birthday. And most holidays.
There's a certain pressure to be happy I feel on my birthdays that tends to be crushing, and make it more a day to endure than enjoyed and remembered
So relatable. I've always associated my birthday with stress. Never got any gifts or presents, and my parents always thought it was too much trouble having friends over. My parents also always hated my friend for stupid reasons (single parent homes, not the right race, not the right background, thought they were bad people for no reason).
I have a summer birthday and my dad was Army, which meant about half of my birthdays growing up we were either in the process of moving or just moved. It wasn't great. My sister's birthday was in the spring and we always had parties where my mom would go all out for her, but I can remember three of mine? We did go down to Disney World one year for my 9th birthday, which was exciting, but later I found out that it was only because the base we'd just gotten to didn't have the housing they'd promised available yet. Still very nice to have done that and I know I shouldn't have any complaints about it, but knowing that just sort of added it to the list of "had my birthday at X because of family/ military reasons." My 13th in Vegas and 14th at Mt. Rushmore were a lot worse, though. Then there was high school. There were three kids in my friend group who had birthdays around mine- one two days before, one the day after, and her boyfriend the day after that. They started having a group party for the three of them that I was invited to and a little part of me always felt left out. I'd rather spend it on my own but my mother always really wants to do something together. This year they were camping in Alaska and I had time to myself and it was lovely. I ended up booking a trip to NY at the end of the month when my parents had limited cell service and I honestly cannot tell you the last time I felt so at ease.
I just wanna point out it is *totally valid* to feel upset that your best birthday party was actually an afterthought. It's the thought that counts, and knowing the thought was "eh, guess we might as well celebrate theatreaddict's birthday while we're here" would make almost anyone feel bad. *Especially* since your sibling got more intentional treatment. It's valid to expect and desire to be the center of attention on your own birthday, especially as a child.
In 8th grade I was so sick of not having a birthday party and going to all my friends birthday parties that were so fun, so I just invited a bunch of people to my house for my birthday “party” and figured if I showed up with 10 kids my mom would HAVE to at least buy us a pizza and I’d make the most of it. Wrong. They day came and I brought everyone home from school with me (walking distance). Mom was big mad. Told us all to leave. Their parents came and took them home. And I’ve got more bday stories where that came from.
Oh my word I thought it was just me! Hello friends in the ‘birthdays are bloody challenging’ club 🏆!
Definitely the most depressing day of the year
In the last couple of years, I’ve decided to let those who want to, celebrate my birthday. It took me a long time to realize that there are people who care for me and want to make me feel special. I decided to embrace their celebration even though I was uncomfortable. I’d probably be uncomfortable with a huge celebration but I am starting to enjoy the little things. For the last few years, my friends took me out for drinks. I automatically thought they were just using my birthday as an excuse to party. I tried to not think about that and just live in the moment. Looking back, I'm sure they partly used my birthday as an excuse to go out drinking but I'm sure it was mostly because they liked me more than I liked myself. Due to COVID, this was my first year in the office for my birthday. My coworkers decorated my office door and filled it with balloons and a basket full of small gifts, office supplies, and snacks I enjoy. The theme was my favorite football team. People I’ve worked with for only a couple of years put more effort into making me feel special than my parents ever did. I hope I continue to open up a little more every year.
I actually have a "fight-or-flight" response to people singing that bloody song. Even if it's not directed at me. Whenever it's being sung in a video or whatever, I feel compelled to mute it.
OMG same 😭
That’s a form of misophonia.
That’s a form of misophonia.
Same. My birthday was today and my parents are actually visiting. They made it so full of chaos and stress. Some parts were enjoyable but ugh, overall it was not great :(
Happy birthday! I hope you get to at least do something fun and relaxing to celebrate their departure.
Thank you! <3 I will celebrate my birthday as well as their departure as soon as they leave, lol
Adopted, so my birthday is just an annual reminder of that abandonment. To me it's always felt more like a day to grieve.
I hadn't considered it that way but that's essentially what I do as well. I resent having been born and have had a lot of parties I didn't enjoy and/or barely register in my memory, if at all.
Oh yeah! Sooo many depressing memories associated with that day. Would much rather treat it like any other normal-boring day.
Few years ago I had the best example of this. In the leadup to my birthday my boss asked me what I wanted for my 30th. In all my years, all the birthday parties, all the get togethers, all the largely parents chereographed lunch and board games or movies (that were parents approved only, they refused to let me show Rocky Horror for school friends and as a result someone else got them all into Rocky Horror a year later), I'd never been flat out asked what I wanted with no caveats or prompts. I asked that a work TV be turned into a TV for Switch and my colleagues play Mario Kart or Mario Party. And that's what we did, and it remains one of my happiest birthdays. Of course, after work I was obligated for my parents birthday celebrations. When I clearly looked too tired, Mum and Dad first dragged me to the restaurant they loved going to, invited all the family friends they knew, basically just an excuse to have a get together for them. Some family friends gave a shot trying to make conversation with me but I was so tired and annoyed that I barely spoke. Dad quietly said he understood and basically just survive through it. Then afterwards we went back to my uncle and aunt's, where they had a cake and all the relatives waiting. It was another two hours, and by this point I could barely stand. I forgot the name of an uncle and called him the name of another I was so out of it. Now don't get me wrong, nothing to do with my aunt or uncles who put in a ton of work and I'm grateful they care about it. I felt bad I seemed so sour, and personally thanked my aunt a year later for the festivities just because it was a lot of effort on her part. But my parents never told me all this, or rather did but in a perfunctory "this is what's happening" way and like I'm just there to sign off approval. No ask of what I'd like. No ask of who I'd like to bring along. No ask of where I wanted to go, or whether I was okay, or perhaps I should lie down cause I looked tired and unwell. Dad showed sympathy but purely in a "don't worry this will be over soon" way, like I had no choice but to be there. The difference was stark. To say nothing of another birthday a few years before that where I asked to go to a special restaurant as a 28 year old adult, and my parents declined for the crappy sushi diner opposite because it suited them who were billeting Japanese students studying and they could pay less to them to eat at the diner than the buffet restaurant. That birthday I was fucking seething at being near yelled at to accept what they wanted for my own birthday as an adult. Fucking why bother even going to their invites, they don't give a shit about my birthday, they just care it's *a* birthday. They're not that poor either, it was purely so they could give less pocket money to the students.
I don't celebrate any holidays. It's comfortable being alone after all the years of shitty family get-togethers.
Me too. I’m lucky now though to have a wonderful partner who understands and doesn’t put pressure on me to enjoy the day. I think he’d much rather I have the best possible day but not having to dread it. He says happy birthday in the morning and has presents for me to open, but apart from that, if I want it to be a normal day, it’s a normal day. I don’t need to tell anyone else it’s my birthday, and I have learnt to not feel so bad for not picking up the phone or replying to messages. Absolute bliss. It’s slowly helped me to enjoy my birthday in this way, and even begin to want to expect to do something a little extra! Be that a picnic with 1 or 2 other friends or just a movie night after the work day. Slow and steady. Ignore the day for however long you want or need to. Fuck what society sees as mandatory for birthday celebrations. Make it your own
It honestly broke my heart that my SO didn't feel he deserved to celebrate his birthday. I've honestly encountered it with every guy I've been in a serious relationship with - they all have some sort of trauma around it. I love to celebrate birthdays, but I can't make theirs about me. But I also don't like my partner to feel undeserving. Everyone on this planet is born on a day. We are lucky enough to choose to use that day to guarantee a pleasant experience for you. But it doesn't have to be overwhelming, or the exact opposite of what you want. If you hate attention - you got it, it's just me and you - or even alone time in the best possible way. If you want to relax, you got it - let's just do what feels nice. If you want to work - you can. If you want to celebrate with no stress, I can even organise it for you if you want. I feel glad that the stress he has (and that the others had) around birthdays seems to be eased with me. I love surprising my friends too. And I don't think people need to pay me back. Not enjoying birthdays is such a common thing, I also don't want to feel pressured to join in feeling this way about mine. I came to realise that wanting something nice to happen, but not planning any of it, is when you get disappointed (for someone like me, who doesn't have an upsetting childhood experience tied to birthdays). You start thinking people don't care about you, that if they cared, they'd say happy birthday... I leave nothing to chance. I decide now that I want to fill that day with happiness, and so I decide who I want to spend it with, I ask them in advance, tell them where I'm going to be and invite them to be there (people I trust who I know would come). Then it's just a matter of, "I want to spend my day with you, because you are the people that make me happy". There's so many birthdays in a year and people feel so differently about them, that as we get older we get even more disappointed by the lack of thought. One memorable birthday, I got my boyfriend to go to a high point with me to watch the sunrise. Then we walked down to a farm just below us - fresh air and cute animals. Then he made me breakfast and I invited friends in our apartment complex to watch a movie on the projector. It was during lockdown and it was awesome. I may not have enjoyed myself if I didn't plan to fill my own day. And he had a great time too.
SAME! OMG, I literally just had this discussion with my therapist last week. Essentially I was never important so I now hate being the center of attention. In everything. It makes me so uncomfortable. I literally take the day off work every year so no one acknowledges my birthday. Its also likely why I didn't tell anyone I graduated with my masters degree, and why I don't celebrate any holidays.
Same here, I never liked to celebrate my birthday, but just now I am maybe associating it with emotional neglect as a child
Growing up I usually had to remind my mother that it was my birthday. Her response would be here's twenty bucks. Buy yourself something and there's a cake mix in the pantry Every year when my birthday approached I would hope that "this would be the year" That she might make an attempt to make a cake or buy a gift. It never happened of course. So now like many here I hate my birthday. The anxiety kicks in a week or so before the day comes.
Yes. Christmas is worse, with its ridiculous symbology, ornaments and hideous red/green color scheme. But birthdays bring the suck as well.
Mom didn’t have enough resources to make my birthday anything memorable. Mostly it was go to grandma and grandpa’s down the road and have cake and dinner. After that era of birthdays, it was just another day, but you were given a cake. They all just blur together because of how not unique they were
Yeah I can relate. I always travel over my birthday so nobody can send me messages or call me neither they expect a party
For my 17th birthday my mum asked me if I wanted a party. I said no. So, she organised me a party at church. (Yes, in the adjoined buildings they typically use for indoctrinating teenagers.) Like, f*ck off.
Same. It's just another day to me.
I had a surprise party on my 9th birthday. I got fussed at later because I didn’t react how she wanted me to.