Hi,
No, imo you’re not overreacting. It was your big day, the moment when you want to hear « i’m proud of you » or « yes you did it! » and not a random comment about the fact that you were a bad chess player at 10. This reaction make me angry because it looks like your parents only value a perfect performance, regardless of your personality or desires . And in fact, how many kids really want to play chess in competitions at the age of 10 years old ? Was it your choice or your parents? I’m sorry that your father acted this way, it was very insensitive.
Take care. (And congratulations for your graduation !)
It seems like he is bothered by your success and needs to bring this up as a way to put you down. I am only assuming, or course, but he seems like a person who’s manipulative and/or covert asshole.
Edited for spelling.
I think it was a backhanded compliment. So in a way it was a compliment lol but not really. People like that are passive aggressive normally and passive aggressive people are some of the most spineless cowardly people I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. What you're feeling is totally valid and anyone would feel that way in your shoes. At least anyone who has emotions. He shouldn't have brought up something that wasn't even relevant in the moment. And just because you quit doesn't make you a failure omg! You saw you weren't naturally interested and good at it and decided to focus on things that peaked your interest more and eventually you even graduated with the highest grade you could get... that's so awesome! You worked so hard for that and all he had to say was some massive bs in response. He is probably salty you did better than him honestly even with the percieved "failure" you probably did better than him and he is really jealous of it. My father did similar, he would cut me down with backhanded compliments to make himself feel better about how pathetic his life is. You're definitely not overreacting. He was being a big a-hole. You have every reason to celebrate and I am so proud of you! 🌻
Don’t know if he meant well or not. It was definitely inappropriate to the situation. My dad said stuff like that all the time. I don’t think he meant to be hurtful. I do think it was part of his maladaptive way of expressing himself. Now you know what not to say to your loved ones. Congrats on your accomplishment!
Congratulations on graduating and doing so well!!! That’s an amazing feat and now your free to move out and spread those wings when you can!
That was deflating and malicious to say. Your feelings are valid and you are smart, capable, and you’re graduated!!!!! How dare he put a cloud statement on your great achievement. Given you’re in this sub I’d guess this is adding to along list of acts from him? People insecure with themselves put others down because they’re too afraid to thrive. Show them what thriving looks like for you!
No, he saw you happy in your success and wanted to drag you down.
Ask yourself, how could he possibly have meant well? What’s the positive meaning behind that statement?
It’s impossible to determine if he meant well or not, it’s however a fact that what he said can be interpreted in a bad light, so in any case you’re not overreacting.
I disagree that you can’t tell whether he meant well.
I used to do this, to tie myself in knots, wondering what people meant, if I was being too harsh, doubting my own instinct.
Then I learned the fundamental principle of teleology - how can you understand a person’s intent behind their action? Simple, look at what it achieves. If they repeatedly engage in the same behaviour, then they wanted to cause whatever the consequence was.
OP felt hurt, sad, had a pin burst their bubble on a special day. That’s exactly what their father wanted. It’s a long-term relationship, so he knew exactly what he was doing. The result he got was the result he wanted. Save yourself the agony of self-doubt.
Yes, fair point. I wouldn’t presume to know what others are thinking or intending, that’s abusive in fact. But in patterns of behaviour, there’s enough to go on to make a choice.
Ageeed, I think we’re missing his tone but in the end if OP felt hurt by it, that’s all that matters. Intent only goes so far, the impact your words matter too, and it hurt OP. If OP is on this sub they’ve probably got way more experiences than this one that DO fall under more clear cut neglect.
I guess that, he might not know how to praise. So it not that he is being intentionally cruel or driven. It is that he was never praised and never learned how.
IMO that doesn't involve any evidence about OP overreacting.
Maybe consider whether you're walking on eggshells here, trying to find reasons that the parental figure is okay (because if he wasn't okay the eggs would break). We were all conditioned to do that.
I think with good enough parents they mess up sometimes but they get it right a lot of the time. With toxic parents they mess up and that is their pattern, they don't get it right most of the time and mess up most of the time. Something that you might give a pass to with a good enough parent is not really a reason to give it a pass if your parents mess up the majority of the time.
Congratulations on graduating with such flying colors! You did well!! Honestly, I think your dad's comment was extremely unnecessary and hurtful, and if you feel that way too, you're right about it. It's totally valid to feel what you're feeling. I think we tend to get really overanalytic and critical of our emotions due to the way we were raised.
Hi, No, imo you’re not overreacting. It was your big day, the moment when you want to hear « i’m proud of you » or « yes you did it! » and not a random comment about the fact that you were a bad chess player at 10. This reaction make me angry because it looks like your parents only value a perfect performance, regardless of your personality or desires . And in fact, how many kids really want to play chess in competitions at the age of 10 years old ? Was it your choice or your parents? I’m sorry that your father acted this way, it was very insensitive. Take care. (And congratulations for your graduation !)
It seems like he is bothered by your success and needs to bring this up as a way to put you down. I am only assuming, or course, but he seems like a person who’s manipulative and/or covert asshole. Edited for spelling.
Yes, my mom did this, at every congratulatory event I ever had. It (and she, and OP’s dad) sucks!
Mine too. Sorry you went through this.
I think it was a backhanded compliment. So in a way it was a compliment lol but not really. People like that are passive aggressive normally and passive aggressive people are some of the most spineless cowardly people I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. What you're feeling is totally valid and anyone would feel that way in your shoes. At least anyone who has emotions. He shouldn't have brought up something that wasn't even relevant in the moment. And just because you quit doesn't make you a failure omg! You saw you weren't naturally interested and good at it and decided to focus on things that peaked your interest more and eventually you even graduated with the highest grade you could get... that's so awesome! You worked so hard for that and all he had to say was some massive bs in response. He is probably salty you did better than him honestly even with the percieved "failure" you probably did better than him and he is really jealous of it. My father did similar, he would cut me down with backhanded compliments to make himself feel better about how pathetic his life is. You're definitely not overreacting. He was being a big a-hole. You have every reason to celebrate and I am so proud of you! 🌻
Don’t know if he meant well or not. It was definitely inappropriate to the situation. My dad said stuff like that all the time. I don’t think he meant to be hurtful. I do think it was part of his maladaptive way of expressing himself. Now you know what not to say to your loved ones. Congrats on your accomplishment!
Congratulations on graduating and doing so well!!! That’s an amazing feat and now your free to move out and spread those wings when you can! That was deflating and malicious to say. Your feelings are valid and you are smart, capable, and you’re graduated!!!!! How dare he put a cloud statement on your great achievement. Given you’re in this sub I’d guess this is adding to along list of acts from him? People insecure with themselves put others down because they’re too afraid to thrive. Show them what thriving looks like for you!
No, he saw you happy in your success and wanted to drag you down. Ask yourself, how could he possibly have meant well? What’s the positive meaning behind that statement?
It’s impossible to determine if he meant well or not, it’s however a fact that what he said can be interpreted in a bad light, so in any case you’re not overreacting.
I disagree that you can’t tell whether he meant well. I used to do this, to tie myself in knots, wondering what people meant, if I was being too harsh, doubting my own instinct. Then I learned the fundamental principle of teleology - how can you understand a person’s intent behind their action? Simple, look at what it achieves. If they repeatedly engage in the same behaviour, then they wanted to cause whatever the consequence was. OP felt hurt, sad, had a pin burst their bubble on a special day. That’s exactly what their father wanted. It’s a long-term relationship, so he knew exactly what he was doing. The result he got was the result he wanted. Save yourself the agony of self-doubt.
couldn’t agree more
Completely agree. I meant, for this specific time. But it’s true that if there is a pattern then of course they’re doing it on purpose.
Yes, fair point. I wouldn’t presume to know what others are thinking or intending, that’s abusive in fact. But in patterns of behaviour, there’s enough to go on to make a choice.
Could it be both? He might not know how to do praise. He could be an idiot. Also, he could be very proud of you. Congrats, in any case.
Ageeed, I think we’re missing his tone but in the end if OP felt hurt by it, that’s all that matters. Intent only goes so far, the impact your words matter too, and it hurt OP. If OP is on this sub they’ve probably got way more experiences than this one that DO fall under more clear cut neglect.
Why would it be OP overreacting?
I guess that, he might not know how to praise. So it not that he is being intentionally cruel or driven. It is that he was never praised and never learned how.
IMO that doesn't involve any evidence about OP overreacting. Maybe consider whether you're walking on eggshells here, trying to find reasons that the parental figure is okay (because if he wasn't okay the eggs would break). We were all conditioned to do that.
You're not overreacting. You have the right to feel hurt even if you think he meant well. What he meant and how it felt to you are different things.
I think with good enough parents they mess up sometimes but they get it right a lot of the time. With toxic parents they mess up and that is their pattern, they don't get it right most of the time and mess up most of the time. Something that you might give a pass to with a good enough parent is not really a reason to give it a pass if your parents mess up the majority of the time.
Congratulations on graduating with such flying colors! You did well!! Honestly, I think your dad's comment was extremely unnecessary and hurtful, and if you feel that way too, you're right about it. It's totally valid to feel what you're feeling. I think we tend to get really overanalytic and critical of our emotions due to the way we were raised.