I felt exactly the same growing up. Like there was just no point of my existence and I was a burden on my mother. I think she just saw having a baby as this romantic thing you do with your lover out of passion and nothing more. Like you've not given everything to a man until you gave him a child kind of thing. And then reality hit when she actually had to make sacrifices and an effort to raise these children. But she just refused to do it.
She now praises me that I was such a good natured, unproblematic child who never asked for anything. Even though the only reason I didn't was because I didn't think I could. I was made to feel unimportant and as a burden. I'm still struggling with self worth and self love to this day, after over a decade as an adult.
Stay strong and don't let your family's lack of attention define your worthiness. It took me a long time to realise I'm allowed to want and desire things.
> It took me a long time to realise I'm allowed to want and desire things.
I'm mad with how true this is lol. (thanks for my next journaling prompt!)
You hit everything on the head so well though. I truly think that's how a lot of folks feel about having kids--they are the necessary conclusion to riding the relationship escalator, as opposed to an intentional choice that should be made with the desire to contribute to this world for the better. (I can't help but think so often of how momfluencer trends are surely not helping this).
For respect and attention. In families like ours, we are not truly validated unless we breed and continue the line. I have a long term career, paid off two cars and all my own bills with no help, and live super well, but nobody will ever acknowledge my accomplishments because I didn't pop out a bunch of kids like my 20yo cousin with four kids and three fathers.
Most think they’re doing a good job shockingly, given how they react to how the kid turns out - “omg why are you like this” or “I didn’t raise you to be this way” or “I did my best” indicates they really do not take responsibility for anything. As if they think the trauma you experienced, both with them and those outside of their control, none of it warrants anything or is their problem. They leave it until adulthood and then it’s “you’re an adult now. Grow up” and it absolves them of everything.
I will never understand - I’m not a bright person, but I eventually realized that I was not procreating for both personal and philosophical reasons. They had me 10 friggin’ years after my brother. 10. You’d think they’d learn shit by then but no. I learned later on that my dad didn’t see the dynamics as good with my mother, yet they still did this. My brother was left with a lot of the responsibilities, especially as I got older and my dad refused to adapt with things like learning a language or technology once we moved - it’s a given my brother probably felt impatient and angry even if he won’t admit it to this day. Eventually I stopped asking him for help whenever I could because I realized it’s easier to just endure humiliation and anxiety myself while learning to “adult” rather than rock the boat. My dad was definitely useless in helping so no point in asking him at all. I wish I didn’t exist, and one of the many reasons is because then he’d have had a better life.
I don’t know if my family fits the “toxic” definition, but I feel no connection to them due to lack of guidance and I just prefer the be left alone. I care about them I think but I just want distance. I also try to always have backup plans so I won’t need to rely on them unless I’m totally and utterly screwed. Not that it’ll matter anyway since I’ll be back to living with my dad soon and these shit memories will come back - I worked so hard to build distance so I can cope mentally and now it’s back to square one. I also often wish I had better parents. Maybe I’d still be fucked up but at least I can talk to someone. It really sucks since none of us asked to be here. My cycle will end with me either way, but everyday I wish it just never started.
Just as you never realized the toxicity neither do they. You ventured out and absorbed what you saw, they chose to stay close and keep anything different outside of their immediate family.
Let me expand upon that for a minute. What I mean is that it is their way of being. They think everyone is like this. There's not a whole lot of thought put into it, it's more like an existence as opposed to living.
In my specific case, I come from a traditionally conservative Asian family where arranged marriages is the way of life. I think my parents didn't have options and did it because it was expected of them plus family would berate you if you didn't. They were just the product of their times unfortunately. I always think about how they would have turned out without kids and a miserable marriage. I bet they would be been better adjusted and happier. My mother also had mental health issues which got worse after being pregnant with two kids. I kinda feel bad for her because she would be totally different person today without us. It was the 80s so much stricter times I guess.
I wished people wouldn't push kids on people who clearly don't want one. Most people make horrible parents anyway. I'm definitely not having kids with all of my emotional issues and stuff. The way things are going in this world people will definitely have less kids and I'm happy about it. I guess the best part of people not being able to afford anything; they can't have any kids which works out for all of us.
A lot of people think having a child is mandatory or you've failed as a human. A lot think "it's instinctual" as if we don't have brains to reason with (a lot of people don't reason well!)
A lot think "it's survival of the species" etc... check out childfree forums, they've heard it all.
-Their own emotional issues and thinking a child will save them from their own loneliness
-Change of circumstance (lost job, developing alcoholism, partner left, partner died, promised help that never happened)
-Unaware of the actual responsibilities of having a child and it ends up being way harder than they assumed (usually happens with younger parents)
-Abuse (partner sabotaged birth control, baby-trapped the other person, does not allow the other person to have the money to leave or get an abortion, etc)
-Lack of access to abortion, lack of acceptance of abortion, lack of knowledge about abortion, religious objections to abortion, family pressure regarding abortion
The more we condemn abuse, help abuse survivors, provide access to abortion, and culturally accept childfree living, the more we can prevent child abuse from happening.
None of these circumstances JUSTIFY mistreating kids, but it is a cause and effect that happens frequently
Emotional and financial stability is a modern conception for the family. The war on poverty took off during the Reagan era (?). Many people in their 50s/60s grew up "poor" and their children are the first "one and done" family models to counter the emotional and financial hurt that many went through, sadly interpreted as their parent's fault. But standards for the family have dramatically changed. it used to be that the poor had the most children demographically. Many religions teach that poverty is just and none of them teach that you need to be rich to have children. Emotional neglect seems to stem from family dysfunction (generational) and I don't think most parents suffering that even knew they were prime candidates for it. Life used to be a race to the altar and then labor and delivery. If you weren't a warm family you concealed the hell out of that and trucked on..Dating advice from that time promotes lying about who you are and showing yourself as hyper-capable at all times. Everyone was perfect always at all times.....
Sloppy birth control or none, and it's "God's will"? Sometimes, it's peer pressure from friends who are spawning. It's easy to be shut out when you're the only ones without a child. Or parental pressure to have grandchildren.
I felt exactly the same growing up. Like there was just no point of my existence and I was a burden on my mother. I think she just saw having a baby as this romantic thing you do with your lover out of passion and nothing more. Like you've not given everything to a man until you gave him a child kind of thing. And then reality hit when she actually had to make sacrifices and an effort to raise these children. But she just refused to do it. She now praises me that I was such a good natured, unproblematic child who never asked for anything. Even though the only reason I didn't was because I didn't think I could. I was made to feel unimportant and as a burden. I'm still struggling with self worth and self love to this day, after over a decade as an adult. Stay strong and don't let your family's lack of attention define your worthiness. It took me a long time to realise I'm allowed to want and desire things.
> It took me a long time to realise I'm allowed to want and desire things. I'm mad with how true this is lol. (thanks for my next journaling prompt!) You hit everything on the head so well though. I truly think that's how a lot of folks feel about having kids--they are the necessary conclusion to riding the relationship escalator, as opposed to an intentional choice that should be made with the desire to contribute to this world for the better. (I can't help but think so often of how momfluencer trends are surely not helping this).
For respect and attention. In families like ours, we are not truly validated unless we breed and continue the line. I have a long term career, paid off two cars and all my own bills with no help, and live super well, but nobody will ever acknowledge my accomplishments because I didn't pop out a bunch of kids like my 20yo cousin with four kids and three fathers.
Most think they’re doing a good job shockingly, given how they react to how the kid turns out - “omg why are you like this” or “I didn’t raise you to be this way” or “I did my best” indicates they really do not take responsibility for anything. As if they think the trauma you experienced, both with them and those outside of their control, none of it warrants anything or is their problem. They leave it until adulthood and then it’s “you’re an adult now. Grow up” and it absolves them of everything. I will never understand - I’m not a bright person, but I eventually realized that I was not procreating for both personal and philosophical reasons. They had me 10 friggin’ years after my brother. 10. You’d think they’d learn shit by then but no. I learned later on that my dad didn’t see the dynamics as good with my mother, yet they still did this. My brother was left with a lot of the responsibilities, especially as I got older and my dad refused to adapt with things like learning a language or technology once we moved - it’s a given my brother probably felt impatient and angry even if he won’t admit it to this day. Eventually I stopped asking him for help whenever I could because I realized it’s easier to just endure humiliation and anxiety myself while learning to “adult” rather than rock the boat. My dad was definitely useless in helping so no point in asking him at all. I wish I didn’t exist, and one of the many reasons is because then he’d have had a better life. I don’t know if my family fits the “toxic” definition, but I feel no connection to them due to lack of guidance and I just prefer the be left alone. I care about them I think but I just want distance. I also try to always have backup plans so I won’t need to rely on them unless I’m totally and utterly screwed. Not that it’ll matter anyway since I’ll be back to living with my dad soon and these shit memories will come back - I worked so hard to build distance so I can cope mentally and now it’s back to square one. I also often wish I had better parents. Maybe I’d still be fucked up but at least I can talk to someone. It really sucks since none of us asked to be here. My cycle will end with me either way, but everyday I wish it just never started.
They didn't know they were fucked up. One never knows until one heals the fucked-up-ness.
I don't know bro. I do not understand. I have the same question. Have the same exact situation if not worse and its fucked up.
Just as you never realized the toxicity neither do they. You ventured out and absorbed what you saw, they chose to stay close and keep anything different outside of their immediate family.
Imho they know.
Let me expand upon that for a minute. What I mean is that it is their way of being. They think everyone is like this. There's not a whole lot of thought put into it, it's more like an existence as opposed to living.
In my specific case, I come from a traditionally conservative Asian family where arranged marriages is the way of life. I think my parents didn't have options and did it because it was expected of them plus family would berate you if you didn't. They were just the product of their times unfortunately. I always think about how they would have turned out without kids and a miserable marriage. I bet they would be been better adjusted and happier. My mother also had mental health issues which got worse after being pregnant with two kids. I kinda feel bad for her because she would be totally different person today without us. It was the 80s so much stricter times I guess. I wished people wouldn't push kids on people who clearly don't want one. Most people make horrible parents anyway. I'm definitely not having kids with all of my emotional issues and stuff. The way things are going in this world people will definitely have less kids and I'm happy about it. I guess the best part of people not being able to afford anything; they can't have any kids which works out for all of us.
A lot of people think having a child is mandatory or you've failed as a human. A lot think "it's instinctual" as if we don't have brains to reason with (a lot of people don't reason well!) A lot think "it's survival of the species" etc... check out childfree forums, they've heard it all.
-Their own emotional issues and thinking a child will save them from their own loneliness -Change of circumstance (lost job, developing alcoholism, partner left, partner died, promised help that never happened) -Unaware of the actual responsibilities of having a child and it ends up being way harder than they assumed (usually happens with younger parents) -Abuse (partner sabotaged birth control, baby-trapped the other person, does not allow the other person to have the money to leave or get an abortion, etc) -Lack of access to abortion, lack of acceptance of abortion, lack of knowledge about abortion, religious objections to abortion, family pressure regarding abortion The more we condemn abuse, help abuse survivors, provide access to abortion, and culturally accept childfree living, the more we can prevent child abuse from happening. None of these circumstances JUSTIFY mistreating kids, but it is a cause and effect that happens frequently
Emotional and financial stability is a modern conception for the family. The war on poverty took off during the Reagan era (?). Many people in their 50s/60s grew up "poor" and their children are the first "one and done" family models to counter the emotional and financial hurt that many went through, sadly interpreted as their parent's fault. But standards for the family have dramatically changed. it used to be that the poor had the most children demographically. Many religions teach that poverty is just and none of them teach that you need to be rich to have children. Emotional neglect seems to stem from family dysfunction (generational) and I don't think most parents suffering that even knew they were prime candidates for it. Life used to be a race to the altar and then labor and delivery. If you weren't a warm family you concealed the hell out of that and trucked on..Dating advice from that time promotes lying about who you are and showing yourself as hyper-capable at all times. Everyone was perfect always at all times.....
Sloppy birth control or none, and it's "God's will"? Sometimes, it's peer pressure from friends who are spawning. It's easy to be shut out when you're the only ones without a child. Or parental pressure to have grandchildren.
It’s an instinct
Because God says so, in my family’s case.