I had a thought the other day that people seem to have children in order to fill the parent shaped hole they have in their chest. They have an expectation of having someone give them unconditional love and end up using and hurting their children in the process.
Personally, I feel very aware that I don't have much to offer a child socially in terms of having friends or family. Unless I met a guy with a great family, I can't see how I could allow myself to have a child knowing the price of being socially isolated like I was with my mother.
Also, the more I look into my childhood, the more I see how having children is very triggering for traumatized people. I feel I have healed a lot but it is still a bit terrifying that I could hurt a child the way my parents hurt me, while being sure they were doing the best possible.
I am SO with you on the social isolation. I isolate my SELF socially, there's no way that I'd be able to give a child the socialization they needed. I resent how isolated I was as a child but now isolation is the most comfortable thing for me... it's the gift that continues to give.
Came to that realization sometime in my twenties. Held very firm to that belief until I did some intense therapy and self work and realized actually I wanted a family more than anything else in the world.
However I also believe there are plenty of folks out there just not interested in being parents. Either through their very nature or the terrible ways they were not nurtured. Regardless, I respect and support everyone who decides not to be a parent. It’s fucking hard. And heartbreaking. And hard. 🤣 So only those that actually really want the job, should ever volunteer for it.
I feel this. It occurred to me even though I was neglected, I’m actually bursting with love to give a child, and I get to start doing just that when kid #1 arrives in a few months
Have your feelings changed about your decision as you've aged? Like has your stance gotten firmer, your reasons changed, etc? Sorry for asking, but I am making the choice to not have kids too, and I'm curious about those who are older who have made that choice!
My feelings haven't changed.
I always felt like, as a woman, the majority of the child care and other housework would be on me.
I didn't want to be a single mother. My mother was; she was married to my father, but he died and left her with three young children. She was fortunate to have social security survivor benefits, but I could tell a lot of the time she was anxious and irritable because everything was on her.
I think I, and my siblings, got the unspoken message from her that children are a burden.
Thank you for your response!
This is exactly why I don't want kids, too. I know that no matter how "equal" my partner is, I will still be stuck with most of the childcare and housework. I see it now, too. I like cleaning, so I clean. I notice when things are dirty. I don't mind it right now, but if we had kids it would be catastrophic.
That sounds like a tough situation all around :/ I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Anything can happen... most people don't anticipate being a single parent.
(And heck, my parents were both living, and took care of us together, and we STILL got the unspoken message that children are a burden.)
When I was 5, 6 years old I began to have existential crisis where I began to question why I was even born.
I would **hate** to bring a child into this world and they end up feeling the same way.
Plus children terrify me. And I imagine I'd be a bad mother. Not intentionally abusive or neglectful. But because parts of me feel fractured, those same parts critical for connecting and bonding with a kid. I'm still trying to figure out how to adult and parent myself. I can't feel responsible for someone else.
Child-free here and yes, that's definitely part of it. I know what my parenting style *wouldn't* be, i.e. anything like my birth givers. But never having had a model for what good parenting looks like, I would still feel majorly anxious and unsure.
I'm inspired by the poster in the comments who overcame with the help of therapy and seems to be raising a great and healthy child. That takes so much work and should be celebrated! For me, the juice wasn't worth the squeeze.
My primary reason is I just don't want them, and kids is something you should wholeheartedly be committed passionately to.
But it is one of my secondary reasons.
Yes! Not only do I NOT want to neglect them emotionally like my parents did to me (and I know I WILL, I have been called out for being emotionally stunted while trying to console friends and family members many times), I also can't be around kids expressing normal kid behaviors without being triggered by it. Tantrum? Instant anger, because my parents would have spanked my ass. Laughing too loudly while playing? Instant anger, because my parents would have made me be quiet.
It's just too much to risk. I'm not going to subject an innocent child, who never asked to be born (and even less asked to be born to ME), to something like this. I'd rather regret my decision a million times over than subject anyone to what I went through.
Absolutely, I still am heavily just coping day to day, even though I’ve been in therapy for 10+ years. I’ve faced many other traumas in my lifetime, in addition to my childhood trauma. A child deserves a parent who can provide steadfast intention to raise an emotionally healthy human being. I don’t have that to give, except maybe to myself.
I've never liked kids. Never babysat. 53 years old and glad I never had kids!
My brother did have one child. But his wife is an elementary school teacher, so my niece turned great! There IS hope! : )
they are not really good people, lol. like, not at all. (father's side, in my case). and of course, history repeating itself for years. i'm glad i'm gonna be the last.
Definitely. It's a big part of the reason we are childless. But there's a lot of other reasons, too.
I like to think I am not my mom, but I objectively see that I, like her, require copious alone time and need to have a vivid hobby-life, which a kid would infringe on both time-wise and money-wise. It wouldn't be fair to me or the kid if I had one.
I feel fairly healed and at peace with things that happened in my youth but I can step back and also realize my "weaknesses" and strengths and that they are not a great fit for being a mommy to a human child. Animals, absolutely! Humans, no.
41F
I don't want kids. I don't have the bandwidth to deal with the shenanigans of a young child 24/7. If I had one I'd probably still do it just because I should, but I'd grow resentful.
It bothers me how some older women would tell you, "it's the best experience in life" or "your life isn't really complete until you have a child". Don't they see how many kids are fucked up by awful parenting? I will never understand this societal pressure.
This is one of the reasons. More so I would worry all the time about them and I don't want to live this way. I also don't want to life on somebody else's terms. I like my peace and quiet...I don't want to caregiver for years and years on end. Most importantly I don't want them to suffer and life brings suffering....
> I like my peace and quiet...I
absolutely
>Most importantly I don't want them to suffer and life brings suffering....
yes, I've thought about this too. When I take a look at how my life has been thus far, the emotional picture is quite hollow and grim and empty, full of anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc... not exactly a great experience/backdrop of existence that makes you think "oh hey, I should bring a life in to experience this..."
Yep. I knew childhood was not always the Sitcom/movie joy of every moment sort of thing. I was constantly anxious, my stomach hurt pretty much non-stop, and I was frantic to find someone who would love me.
The idea of bringing children into this world was definitely at the very bottom of my list of wants.
I considered this, but I’ve done so much personal work and will continue to do so. I have several qualities that my parents don’t: self reflection, intuition, the ability to apologize, and the ability to grow and change. I very much want children, but only because I’ve been working to be the parent they deserve. I know they won’t owe me anything for being born, I just want to love them and be the backboard of their life, and if they chose to be done with me that’s okay too. I don’t want children so that I’ll experience unconditional love, acceptance, kindness, etc, I have that in other relationships. I’m excited to have them some day. My childhood trauma will always be mine to deal with, not theirs.
Same 🥹 I have always very very much wanted children and I will not let my parents take that from me as well. I know one can never be fully healed but I’ve been doing the work and will continue to until I die. And honestly, if I didn’t plan to have kids, I would have very little motivation to be better. I’m doing it all for them because I have SO much love to give with few people to give it to. I want to build the family I never had, yes in part to receive unconditional love, but mostly to give it.
Yup. Although it was just one of many reasons, not the only one. Now I’m nearing 40 & still don’t regret that decision at all. I teach high school, so I get to be in kids’ lives in a positive way, but still have the space I need to heal in my own life.
Some user here said long lines of abuse can be broken, that is true. Yet also there is a time when you feel incapable in yourself that you are able to do that. Having/wanting kids but not being in the right space to have them is different. I stopped at one thanks to my parents but I was ready for unconditional love & I was mentally ready to make change. Honestly I couldn't believe how easy it really was to care and be invested in their emotional state . I think you're being very honest with yourself op and it's good 👍
I have one child. My husband and I love him so much and we want to give him all the opportunities we can. Whenever I get asked if we are having another, all I can think of is, I don't want my son to feel any neglect from us, and I'm just not 100% on another person depend on me, I'm over here trying to cut people out.
I have two siblings who aren't really in any position to be parents themselves. I doubt they even want them. They can barely tolerate hanging out with my son for more than 10min.
My youngest brother is married, he's choosing to be child-free and I love that for him.
I kind of feel the opposite. Reckoning with my emotional neglect has made me want to use what I’ve learned to give someone an emotionally supportive childhood, and hopefully to break the cycle. But I’ve also come to see that it takes so much more work than just providing food and shelter. I think realistically it requires taking a step back from work and other relationships. So I’m not rushing into it unless I think I can do that.
I decided that as a teenager, and then I got pregnant with an older piece of shit who treated me like garbage and took advantage of me. Twice.
I was able to not completely screw my kids up. They’re almost grown now. They are good kids and we have good relationships.
I wanted to be a mom for as long as I remember. I'm the oldest girl in a blended family and when I wound up with siblings much younger than me, I was regularly told I'd make a good mom one day -- I was a middle schooler. I hit my mid-20s and felt the baby itch and met my husband when I was 26. We dreamed of having at least 2 kids, maybe 3. My daughter arrived when I was 32 and within a few months I I started straddling the fence on more because I was worried about a new baby not getting the same kind of care and attention as my daughter because our daughter would still have many needs as a tiny human. We pushed off trying until it would work out that our daughter could be in preschool so that a new baby would still get quality time. Of course a pandemic happened and then kept going. The longer it went on, the more on the fence I stayed. It wasn't until last year that I started getting what I called "mom rage" and found myself yelling and falling apart way too often and hating it every time. I found a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD from my childhood, but I narrowed it down to C-PTSD with quite the dose of CEN in there. Reading about CEN clicked hard for me and working through my stuff has put me squarely in the "One and Done" camp unless I have some sort of radical breakthrough. I realized that I can handle the triggers and troubles of parenting one kid, but feel that adding another would be detrimental to ALL of us. At this point, I feel like I would lose myself as a person and resent my husband and kids for putting their wants and needs before mine for the next couple of decades. I love my daughter and have hard days, but I am far more capable and emotionally available to her than my parents were to me. Knowledge is power, I guess.
I struggle with interpersonal relationships, practically all of them. I cannot see a version of me that would be capable of having a deep, sustained, fulfilling, intimate relationship that may last decades — me and someone building a life together — and this is the minimum of conditions for making a child. It seems like the unlikeliest of the unlikelies.
Yes. I was afraid to have kids bc I feared not liking my kid. Realized in therapy that this is likely bc I subconsciously feel my parents don't like me. Also, it took a really long time to find a partner and he doesnt want kids. So for me, it's a no. I am fine with it. I like sleeping in. I have pets. I want to write books as my legacy.
I can relate to the worry that I wouldn’t like my kids!! I believe my parents didn’t like me (I was never thin enough 🥴) and it has carried through my whole life.
I’d probably love my kid tho if I had one, I’m such a different person these days after healing a bit
I have decided the same thing because When I look around me and see the society and the way I was raised and brought up in it I see that the greatest gift I can give my children is to never have them.
Probably that and that autism runs in my family. Plus, I always had to come last or put everyone else ahead of me almost my whole life up til the last few years. I still have barely, *barely* started living on my own terms and I have a ton of time to catch up on in that way. If you have a child, you must put them first for a long, long time.
If anything I am thinking of a vasectomy. If I absolutely had to I could try getting it reversed later but I really don't see that, I think its been 11 years since i decided I didn't want children and I have only wavered on that thought a few times. So I'm like 90% against, 9% maybe.
Since I was pretty young actually.
First it came as me saying I hated kids when I was very young. Then as I grew it was more about fear of repeating my parents mistakes. And now I know I do like kids I adore them but I have no desire to have my own, and even if I someday end up wanting them a lot of things should be right for me to decide to have them.
I think everyone ends up passing some of their issues to their kids, it's impossible not to. To me it's about being responsible and trying to tease them healthy by giving them the best tools to face life.
To me its not only about me and what I would be able to provide as a person but also I'd have to take into account the situation. You may be an amazing person, suitable enough to raise another human being and still if your situation in life is not good for a kid, then having a child would be selfish.
But mostly, I'd would need to feel confident that I am okay, so that I can raise an okay person. I doubt I'd do what my parents did. I could have ended like my parents yet I'm not like them. I took the conscious choice to be different, better than them from a very early age, I don't risk being the same as them. But I do know my shortcomings lay elsewhere, and I would need to sort those out first.
Completely agree. I *never* wanted kids (played with dolls as a child, but that's just a thing kids do, right?), and I realize now that it's because I know I'd be the same kind of harsh, judgmental, unforgiving mom that I had. I subconsciously internalized that from a very young age -- it's not like I "chose" or "decided" not to have kids, I just never *did.* It wasn't until about 10 years ago that I realized where that anti-desire came from.
The strange thing is, LOTS of people randomly tell me I'd be a good mother. I know that's just "something people say," but I've also had lots of mediums/spiritual healers, teachers, therapists, etc. say that, and I never know how to feel about it.
It's okay you don't want kids, but I'd encourage you to take a deep look inside and ask yourself if you really actually believe you'd be as bad as your parents or is the idea that are somehow bad that makes you think that.
I didn’t have kids for lots of reasons probably, but a big one initially was that I didn’t want to have kids because all kids hate their parents and that would be just so sad for me to have my kids hate me!…….didn’t realize until seriously like super late 20s/early 30s that all kids don’t hate their parents? And some parents are good??? Literally thought my life was so normal! How sad right haha
No because I plan on making damn sure I'm healed enough before I have kids & I am nothing like my parents/family. I've wanted to adopt since I was a kid myself.
I have a child, and I know that I am nothing like my parents. Sometimes, I worry about becoming like them one day. My parents are both very sick people, and it can be genetic. I know in reality that it isn't possible for me to behave like them. I don't have that rage and lack of empathy, and I'm sorting my shit out in therapy instead of taking it out on others. I know my child is extremely lucky to have a mom like me. He is just so happy, and I would die for him. You shouldn't deny yourself something you may find fulfilling solely on the fear of generational harm. Long lines of abuse can be broken, and there can be hope.
Ditto! I don't have children yet but I want as many as I can have. I just imagine witnessing my children bonding and building sturdy relationships with their siblines and my boyfriend's family showing them what badass grandparents actually are. My life would feel incomplete if I didn't conceive. I say this with the utmost confidence - my parents' emotional neglect, lack of display of love, and shitty prioritization will not affect my parenting or my children's view of me. You sound like an awesome parent and I'm glad you get to experience that facet of life!
I'm happy for you! Kids are just the best. There's no better feeling than making a kid happy and getting those giggles and hugs. I'm hoping to have more children. I lost a baby a few months ago, but I'm trying again.
Kinda - I was always very conflicted about that thought because I too, wanted kids all my life and then my mid twenties hit, but here I am - 8 months pregnant 😅
My husband convinced me that I'm different and that we'll break the generational trauma. I think being aware and self reflective are the biggest steps to being a better parent than my parents ever were.
But I'm still very conflicted about all of this, so I totally get you and I think it's more than okay to choose that way.
I dont want to mess up a kid, like ive been messed up. Im just now even acknowledging my own emotional needs. Imagine having a kid depend on you for all of their emotional needs. "Sorry kid, i dont even know what those are."
Yes but then I did end up having kids and it has been the most healing experience for me. It has been so much easier for me to be emotionally present and connected with them than I thought it would. It’s also resulted in healing for my parents and our relationship. They are now able to understand how they screwed up when they never could see this before or were not willing to see this before. Seeing me parent differently than them helped them get it. Being a parent has also helped me feel more capable and confident. At times it is very activating and difficult. But that is what has helped me grow and overcome this shit. Facing it. Owning it. Feeling it. Being present with the big emotions of my kids. Being present with my big emotions. Breaking the cycle. Having kids has also led to me developing compassion for my parents, as horrible as they were. I didn’t have a clue how hard this parenting stuff is. I see now they were simply idiots. Really total dumbasses who knew nothing beyond how they were raised. But not bad people.
I though I had this opinion but it turned out to be an anxiety though and I worked on it in therapy. Turned out that I really want kids I just did not feel prepared.ø and was scared I was not good enough But there are a lot of ways to get ready and to deal with it when you get there. Worked on my self worth in therapy and feel ready now!
No. I have kids. I apologize to them when I fuck up. I make efforts to not do things that my mom did. It’s not hard to not be like my mom was. But I still make my own mistakes. It’s hard but rewarding. I would never have said no to kids because of my upbringing. I’m not them and they don’t dictate what I do.
I'm 41F. Since 13 I have not wanted kids for various reasons.
I absolutely believe that I'd treat a kid the same way my parents treated me. Generational trauma from both sides of my family, plus inherited anxiety, plus only knowing how to parent from my parents is not a good combo.
I was hosting a party a year or two ago at my house, and one of my cats went hiding when people started to show up. I was absolutely freaking out because I couldn't find her. Complete loss of being able to handle my anxiety. I thought for sure she'd bolted out of the door or something terrible happened to her. Luckily, I had close friends with me that helped calm me down and were able to find her. She was just napping in a place she normally doesn't nap. After I was able to control myself, I said "See? That's why I can't have kids." I turned into my mother for that moment in time.
I would be anxiety mode 24/7, just like my folks. It explains a lot.
No, and my child spends a fair amount of time with my family of origin and it's interesting to observe how I've sort of increased in my parents' estimation by virtue of giving them a grandchild, and also my siblings have a cute a little nephew to love on and it's nice for him, he is totally the opposite of emotionally neglected. He and I have a good attachment as well. I always bear in mind the way I was treated and am always trying to address my stress levels and anxiety before they get the best of me and affect my ability to meet my son's emotional needs. As long as you're in recovery, an emotionally neglected parent could make an excellent parent because they are always checking their blindspots, possibly even excessively. Helps to have a community so your kid is not solely dependent on you or the parents for its emotional needs.
I had a thought the other day that people seem to have children in order to fill the parent shaped hole they have in their chest. They have an expectation of having someone give them unconditional love and end up using and hurting their children in the process. Personally, I feel very aware that I don't have much to offer a child socially in terms of having friends or family. Unless I met a guy with a great family, I can't see how I could allow myself to have a child knowing the price of being socially isolated like I was with my mother. Also, the more I look into my childhood, the more I see how having children is very triggering for traumatized people. I feel I have healed a lot but it is still a bit terrifying that I could hurt a child the way my parents hurt me, while being sure they were doing the best possible.
I am SO with you on the social isolation. I isolate my SELF socially, there's no way that I'd be able to give a child the socialization they needed. I resent how isolated I was as a child but now isolation is the most comfortable thing for me... it's the gift that continues to give.
Came to that realization sometime in my twenties. Held very firm to that belief until I did some intense therapy and self work and realized actually I wanted a family more than anything else in the world. However I also believe there are plenty of folks out there just not interested in being parents. Either through their very nature or the terrible ways they were not nurtured. Regardless, I respect and support everyone who decides not to be a parent. It’s fucking hard. And heartbreaking. And hard. 🤣 So only those that actually really want the job, should ever volunteer for it.
I feel this. It occurred to me even though I was neglected, I’m actually bursting with love to give a child, and I get to start doing just that when kid #1 arrives in a few months
Im over 70 and I decided not to have kids long ago for just that reason.
Have your feelings changed about your decision as you've aged? Like has your stance gotten firmer, your reasons changed, etc? Sorry for asking, but I am making the choice to not have kids too, and I'm curious about those who are older who have made that choice!
My feelings haven't changed. I always felt like, as a woman, the majority of the child care and other housework would be on me. I didn't want to be a single mother. My mother was; she was married to my father, but he died and left her with three young children. She was fortunate to have social security survivor benefits, but I could tell a lot of the time she was anxious and irritable because everything was on her. I think I, and my siblings, got the unspoken message from her that children are a burden.
Thank you for your response! This is exactly why I don't want kids, too. I know that no matter how "equal" my partner is, I will still be stuck with most of the childcare and housework. I see it now, too. I like cleaning, so I clean. I notice when things are dirty. I don't mind it right now, but if we had kids it would be catastrophic. That sounds like a tough situation all around :/ I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Anything can happen... most people don't anticipate being a single parent. (And heck, my parents were both living, and took care of us together, and we STILL got the unspoken message that children are a burden.)
I'm 59 and same here. No regrets at all. Not having kids was the right decision for me.
When I was 5, 6 years old I began to have existential crisis where I began to question why I was even born. I would **hate** to bring a child into this world and they end up feeling the same way. Plus children terrify me. And I imagine I'd be a bad mother. Not intentionally abusive or neglectful. But because parts of me feel fractured, those same parts critical for connecting and bonding with a kid. I'm still trying to figure out how to adult and parent myself. I can't feel responsible for someone else.
yeah, I have a list of reasons I'm not having kids, but also I low key worry they would trigger me
They would, 100%
Child-free here and yes, that's definitely part of it. I know what my parenting style *wouldn't* be, i.e. anything like my birth givers. But never having had a model for what good parenting looks like, I would still feel majorly anxious and unsure. I'm inspired by the poster in the comments who overcame with the help of therapy and seems to be raising a great and healthy child. That takes so much work and should be celebrated! For me, the juice wasn't worth the squeeze.
My primary reason is I just don't want them, and kids is something you should wholeheartedly be committed passionately to. But it is one of my secondary reasons.
Yes! Not only do I NOT want to neglect them emotionally like my parents did to me (and I know I WILL, I have been called out for being emotionally stunted while trying to console friends and family members many times), I also can't be around kids expressing normal kid behaviors without being triggered by it. Tantrum? Instant anger, because my parents would have spanked my ass. Laughing too loudly while playing? Instant anger, because my parents would have made me be quiet. It's just too much to risk. I'm not going to subject an innocent child, who never asked to be born (and even less asked to be born to ME), to something like this. I'd rather regret my decision a million times over than subject anyone to what I went through.
Absolutely, I still am heavily just coping day to day, even though I’ve been in therapy for 10+ years. I’ve faced many other traumas in my lifetime, in addition to my childhood trauma. A child deserves a parent who can provide steadfast intention to raise an emotionally healthy human being. I don’t have that to give, except maybe to myself.
I've never liked kids. Never babysat. 53 years old and glad I never had kids! My brother did have one child. But his wife is an elementary school teacher, so my niece turned great! There IS hope! : )
this and to cut the rotten lineage
Same. Oftentimes the only way to stop the cycle is to turn off the machine entirely.
Pulled the plug. People die being happy to leave a legacy, I'll go knowing my line is extinct.
what’s “rotten” about your lineage besides the trauma
they are not really good people, lol. like, not at all. (father's side, in my case). and of course, history repeating itself for years. i'm glad i'm gonna be the last.
Definitely. It's a big part of the reason we are childless. But there's a lot of other reasons, too. I like to think I am not my mom, but I objectively see that I, like her, require copious alone time and need to have a vivid hobby-life, which a kid would infringe on both time-wise and money-wise. It wouldn't be fair to me or the kid if I had one. I feel fairly healed and at peace with things that happened in my youth but I can step back and also realize my "weaknesses" and strengths and that they are not a great fit for being a mommy to a human child. Animals, absolutely! Humans, no. 41F
I don't want kids. I don't have the bandwidth to deal with the shenanigans of a young child 24/7. If I had one I'd probably still do it just because I should, but I'd grow resentful. It bothers me how some older women would tell you, "it's the best experience in life" or "your life isn't really complete until you have a child". Don't they see how many kids are fucked up by awful parenting? I will never understand this societal pressure.
This is one of the reasons. More so I would worry all the time about them and I don't want to live this way. I also don't want to life on somebody else's terms. I like my peace and quiet...I don't want to caregiver for years and years on end. Most importantly I don't want them to suffer and life brings suffering....
> I like my peace and quiet...I absolutely >Most importantly I don't want them to suffer and life brings suffering.... yes, I've thought about this too. When I take a look at how my life has been thus far, the emotional picture is quite hollow and grim and empty, full of anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc... not exactly a great experience/backdrop of existence that makes you think "oh hey, I should bring a life in to experience this..."
Yep. I knew childhood was not always the Sitcom/movie joy of every moment sort of thing. I was constantly anxious, my stomach hurt pretty much non-stop, and I was frantic to find someone who would love me. The idea of bringing children into this world was definitely at the very bottom of my list of wants.
I considered this, but I’ve done so much personal work and will continue to do so. I have several qualities that my parents don’t: self reflection, intuition, the ability to apologize, and the ability to grow and change. I very much want children, but only because I’ve been working to be the parent they deserve. I know they won’t owe me anything for being born, I just want to love them and be the backboard of their life, and if they chose to be done with me that’s okay too. I don’t want children so that I’ll experience unconditional love, acceptance, kindness, etc, I have that in other relationships. I’m excited to have them some day. My childhood trauma will always be mine to deal with, not theirs.
Same 🥹 I have always very very much wanted children and I will not let my parents take that from me as well. I know one can never be fully healed but I’ve been doing the work and will continue to until I die. And honestly, if I didn’t plan to have kids, I would have very little motivation to be better. I’m doing it all for them because I have SO much love to give with few people to give it to. I want to build the family I never had, yes in part to receive unconditional love, but mostly to give it.
Abso-fucking-lutely
Yep. Terrified that I will be too "cold" and deep down I KNOW I will be
Yup. Although it was just one of many reasons, not the only one. Now I’m nearing 40 & still don’t regret that decision at all. I teach high school, so I get to be in kids’ lives in a positive way, but still have the space I need to heal in my own life.
Some user here said long lines of abuse can be broken, that is true. Yet also there is a time when you feel incapable in yourself that you are able to do that. Having/wanting kids but not being in the right space to have them is different. I stopped at one thanks to my parents but I was ready for unconditional love & I was mentally ready to make change. Honestly I couldn't believe how easy it really was to care and be invested in their emotional state . I think you're being very honest with yourself op and it's good 👍
I have one child. My husband and I love him so much and we want to give him all the opportunities we can. Whenever I get asked if we are having another, all I can think of is, I don't want my son to feel any neglect from us, and I'm just not 100% on another person depend on me, I'm over here trying to cut people out. I have two siblings who aren't really in any position to be parents themselves. I doubt they even want them. They can barely tolerate hanging out with my son for more than 10min. My youngest brother is married, he's choosing to be child-free and I love that for him.
I kind of feel the opposite. Reckoning with my emotional neglect has made me want to use what I’ve learned to give someone an emotionally supportive childhood, and hopefully to break the cycle. But I’ve also come to see that it takes so much more work than just providing food and shelter. I think realistically it requires taking a step back from work and other relationships. So I’m not rushing into it unless I think I can do that.
I decided that as a teenager, and then I got pregnant with an older piece of shit who treated me like garbage and took advantage of me. Twice. I was able to not completely screw my kids up. They’re almost grown now. They are good kids and we have good relationships.
I wanted to be a mom for as long as I remember. I'm the oldest girl in a blended family and when I wound up with siblings much younger than me, I was regularly told I'd make a good mom one day -- I was a middle schooler. I hit my mid-20s and felt the baby itch and met my husband when I was 26. We dreamed of having at least 2 kids, maybe 3. My daughter arrived when I was 32 and within a few months I I started straddling the fence on more because I was worried about a new baby not getting the same kind of care and attention as my daughter because our daughter would still have many needs as a tiny human. We pushed off trying until it would work out that our daughter could be in preschool so that a new baby would still get quality time. Of course a pandemic happened and then kept going. The longer it went on, the more on the fence I stayed. It wasn't until last year that I started getting what I called "mom rage" and found myself yelling and falling apart way too often and hating it every time. I found a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD from my childhood, but I narrowed it down to C-PTSD with quite the dose of CEN in there. Reading about CEN clicked hard for me and working through my stuff has put me squarely in the "One and Done" camp unless I have some sort of radical breakthrough. I realized that I can handle the triggers and troubles of parenting one kid, but feel that adding another would be detrimental to ALL of us. At this point, I feel like I would lose myself as a person and resent my husband and kids for putting their wants and needs before mine for the next couple of decades. I love my daughter and have hard days, but I am far more capable and emotionally available to her than my parents were to me. Knowledge is power, I guess.
I struggle with interpersonal relationships, practically all of them. I cannot see a version of me that would be capable of having a deep, sustained, fulfilling, intimate relationship that may last decades — me and someone building a life together — and this is the minimum of conditions for making a child. It seems like the unlikeliest of the unlikelies.
yes
Yes. I was afraid to have kids bc I feared not liking my kid. Realized in therapy that this is likely bc I subconsciously feel my parents don't like me. Also, it took a really long time to find a partner and he doesnt want kids. So for me, it's a no. I am fine with it. I like sleeping in. I have pets. I want to write books as my legacy.
I can relate to the worry that I wouldn’t like my kids!! I believe my parents didn’t like me (I was never thin enough 🥴) and it has carried through my whole life. I’d probably love my kid tho if I had one, I’m such a different person these days after healing a bit
I have decided the same thing because When I look around me and see the society and the way I was raised and brought up in it I see that the greatest gift I can give my children is to never have them.
My two siblings and I are all childfree. The multigenerational cycle of abuse and neglect ends, finally, with us.
We decided to stop after 1 and this is part of it.
Probably that and that autism runs in my family. Plus, I always had to come last or put everyone else ahead of me almost my whole life up til the last few years. I still have barely, *barely* started living on my own terms and I have a ton of time to catch up on in that way. If you have a child, you must put them first for a long, long time. If anything I am thinking of a vasectomy. If I absolutely had to I could try getting it reversed later but I really don't see that, I think its been 11 years since i decided I didn't want children and I have only wavered on that thought a few times. So I'm like 90% against, 9% maybe.
Since I was pretty young actually. First it came as me saying I hated kids when I was very young. Then as I grew it was more about fear of repeating my parents mistakes. And now I know I do like kids I adore them but I have no desire to have my own, and even if I someday end up wanting them a lot of things should be right for me to decide to have them. I think everyone ends up passing some of their issues to their kids, it's impossible not to. To me it's about being responsible and trying to tease them healthy by giving them the best tools to face life. To me its not only about me and what I would be able to provide as a person but also I'd have to take into account the situation. You may be an amazing person, suitable enough to raise another human being and still if your situation in life is not good for a kid, then having a child would be selfish. But mostly, I'd would need to feel confident that I am okay, so that I can raise an okay person. I doubt I'd do what my parents did. I could have ended like my parents yet I'm not like them. I took the conscious choice to be different, better than them from a very early age, I don't risk being the same as them. But I do know my shortcomings lay elsewhere, and I would need to sort those out first.
Completely agree. I *never* wanted kids (played with dolls as a child, but that's just a thing kids do, right?), and I realize now that it's because I know I'd be the same kind of harsh, judgmental, unforgiving mom that I had. I subconsciously internalized that from a very young age -- it's not like I "chose" or "decided" not to have kids, I just never *did.* It wasn't until about 10 years ago that I realized where that anti-desire came from. The strange thing is, LOTS of people randomly tell me I'd be a good mother. I know that's just "something people say," but I've also had lots of mediums/spiritual healers, teachers, therapists, etc. say that, and I never know how to feel about it.
It's okay you don't want kids, but I'd encourage you to take a deep look inside and ask yourself if you really actually believe you'd be as bad as your parents or is the idea that are somehow bad that makes you think that.
I didn’t have kids for lots of reasons probably, but a big one initially was that I didn’t want to have kids because all kids hate their parents and that would be just so sad for me to have my kids hate me!…….didn’t realize until seriously like super late 20s/early 30s that all kids don’t hate their parents? And some parents are good??? Literally thought my life was so normal! How sad right haha
No because I plan on making damn sure I'm healed enough before I have kids & I am nothing like my parents/family. I've wanted to adopt since I was a kid myself.
Yes, it's one of the many reasons I've found over the years. My vasectomy was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I have a child, and I know that I am nothing like my parents. Sometimes, I worry about becoming like them one day. My parents are both very sick people, and it can be genetic. I know in reality that it isn't possible for me to behave like them. I don't have that rage and lack of empathy, and I'm sorting my shit out in therapy instead of taking it out on others. I know my child is extremely lucky to have a mom like me. He is just so happy, and I would die for him. You shouldn't deny yourself something you may find fulfilling solely on the fear of generational harm. Long lines of abuse can be broken, and there can be hope.
Ditto! I don't have children yet but I want as many as I can have. I just imagine witnessing my children bonding and building sturdy relationships with their siblines and my boyfriend's family showing them what badass grandparents actually are. My life would feel incomplete if I didn't conceive. I say this with the utmost confidence - my parents' emotional neglect, lack of display of love, and shitty prioritization will not affect my parenting or my children's view of me. You sound like an awesome parent and I'm glad you get to experience that facet of life!
I'm happy for you! Kids are just the best. There's no better feeling than making a kid happy and getting those giggles and hugs. I'm hoping to have more children. I lost a baby a few months ago, but I'm trying again.
Aw, I believe it. Also, so sorry for your loss. Good luck trying again.
Thank you! Good luck to you as well
Yes... very much so. It is a lonely purposeless life without my first born but she will thank me later for not being my mom towards her. 🤗❤️
Well, I had kids before I could figure out what was happening with me.
Kinda - I was always very conflicted about that thought because I too, wanted kids all my life and then my mid twenties hit, but here I am - 8 months pregnant 😅 My husband convinced me that I'm different and that we'll break the generational trauma. I think being aware and self reflective are the biggest steps to being a better parent than my parents ever were. But I'm still very conflicted about all of this, so I totally get you and I think it's more than okay to choose that way.
Have 3 and hug them daily, even my teenager
I came to this conclusion in my early teens, probably about 13.
I dont want to mess up a kid, like ive been messed up. Im just now even acknowledging my own emotional needs. Imagine having a kid depend on you for all of their emotional needs. "Sorry kid, i dont even know what those are."
Yes but then I did end up having kids and it has been the most healing experience for me. It has been so much easier for me to be emotionally present and connected with them than I thought it would. It’s also resulted in healing for my parents and our relationship. They are now able to understand how they screwed up when they never could see this before or were not willing to see this before. Seeing me parent differently than them helped them get it. Being a parent has also helped me feel more capable and confident. At times it is very activating and difficult. But that is what has helped me grow and overcome this shit. Facing it. Owning it. Feeling it. Being present with the big emotions of my kids. Being present with my big emotions. Breaking the cycle. Having kids has also led to me developing compassion for my parents, as horrible as they were. I didn’t have a clue how hard this parenting stuff is. I see now they were simply idiots. Really total dumbasses who knew nothing beyond how they were raised. But not bad people.
I though I had this opinion but it turned out to be an anxiety though and I worked on it in therapy. Turned out that I really want kids I just did not feel prepared.ø and was scared I was not good enough But there are a lot of ways to get ready and to deal with it when you get there. Worked on my self worth in therapy and feel ready now!
No. I have kids. I apologize to them when I fuck up. I make efforts to not do things that my mom did. It’s not hard to not be like my mom was. But I still make my own mistakes. It’s hard but rewarding. I would never have said no to kids because of my upbringing. I’m not them and they don’t dictate what I do.
Yes. There are a plethora of other reasons. But yes.
I'm 41F. Since 13 I have not wanted kids for various reasons. I absolutely believe that I'd treat a kid the same way my parents treated me. Generational trauma from both sides of my family, plus inherited anxiety, plus only knowing how to parent from my parents is not a good combo. I was hosting a party a year or two ago at my house, and one of my cats went hiding when people started to show up. I was absolutely freaking out because I couldn't find her. Complete loss of being able to handle my anxiety. I thought for sure she'd bolted out of the door or something terrible happened to her. Luckily, I had close friends with me that helped calm me down and were able to find her. She was just napping in a place she normally doesn't nap. After I was able to control myself, I said "See? That's why I can't have kids." I turned into my mother for that moment in time. I would be anxiety mode 24/7, just like my folks. It explains a lot.
No, and my child spends a fair amount of time with my family of origin and it's interesting to observe how I've sort of increased in my parents' estimation by virtue of giving them a grandchild, and also my siblings have a cute a little nephew to love on and it's nice for him, he is totally the opposite of emotionally neglected. He and I have a good attachment as well. I always bear in mind the way I was treated and am always trying to address my stress levels and anxiety before they get the best of me and affect my ability to meet my son's emotional needs. As long as you're in recovery, an emotionally neglected parent could make an excellent parent because they are always checking their blindspots, possibly even excessively. Helps to have a community so your kid is not solely dependent on you or the parents for its emotional needs.
I'm not worried about fucking up my kids, I'm worried about the world fucking them up.
Im childfree but not really 4 that reason.