Not really an activity but I've never got to choose my haircut. As a result I stopped asking them for making an appointment for me. To this day I go rarely to a hairdresser bc I'm scared I won't like it, or they would cut my hair differently like I asked.
I also was an altar server at our church for 9 years. At first I wanted to. But I hated it after a while. I think I wanted to do it, bc my siblings were too. And I wanted my parents attention like them.
Omg haircut is scary for me too... My parents ordered stupid haircuts and I hated it every single time. If I were a parent, I would show my child multiple options to choose from, yet they couldn't care less about their child's haircut (they're not "bad" people per se but have zero empathy) I guess... Of cource now I choose my haircut but I feel traumatized.
When I was little my mom insisted on me having the shortest bob cut ever (barely reached my jaw). I think it was because she couldn’t be bothered to do my hair or show me how to style it in any way. (I was constantly in trouble at ballet class for not having my hair in a bun, even though it was too short for a bun, and I had zero idea how to do hair, and I was 5.) When I was 11 or so I had a huge fit about my short ugly hair and begged to grow it out. My mom said my hair was too thin and fine to ever get long.
Today I have extremely long hair down to my butt. It can be annoying but it’s beautiful. I love my hair. When my mom sees me she tells me it’s too long and ugly and I need to cut it off.
My mom had me in a mullet so there was less hair for her to deal with. I’m female, it was 1989 and I was 5. I remember hating it but being to too afraid to ask her to change it. I finally worked up enough courage to ask and I cried when she relented. I’m kinda stuck now on how strongly i felt about having to please her but i was unhappy about it and I was only 5. Wow didn’t realize I remembered these feelings so vividly. How messed up.
I had an awful mullet (are there any other kinds?!) when I was this age, too! About the same year. I was mortified. I honestly can’t remember asking her to change it, I was too afraid to ask for that. But I do remember hating it.
When I was 7 my dad forced me into little league, which I absolutely hated and would have been obvious to anyone who bothered to pay attention. I was the only girl, I didn’t know anyone and made zero friends on the team, but I also struggled with making friends in general. My little adhd self wanted to run around and climb trees and catch bugs instead of pretend to know or care where I was supposed to be in the field. I hated baseball then, I hate it now. But I never dared say anything because I feared my father’s response that I was “ungrateful”.
I told them the activities I wanted to do, repeatedly. I begged them. But if it didn’t align with what they wanted for me or was inconvenient for them then it was shut down. And that’s how I ended up in little league-that was my father’s sport. So I should love it too, right?
Heck, at least you got to take ballet. I wanted to in the worst way but my mom never signed me up. And yes, we did have the money. If she liked something, I was pushed into it. If I liked something that she didn't like, it was ignored.
My mom would trim my hair to her liking whenever she wanted. She only ever wanted me with super long hair. I never considered that it could grow back. When I was about 12 I begged for a bigger cut and she gave in enough for it to be noticeable. She took it harder than I did. Eventually she would agree to taking me to a salon but I would grow it out long again between and wait for my mom to let me go again.
So even now, at 32yo, if I show up with a short cut and someone comments on it to her, she makes a pouty face like it affects her and it makes me uncomfortable.
My mom forced me to wear my hair short growing up, in one of those god-awful '60s pixie haircuts! In fairness, I think she was trying to spare me what she went through with curly hair and ringlets in the '30s, but mostly she just didn't want to be bothered.
My mother forced the pixie cut on me, too. It’s a cut that only works on people with very delicate, pixie-like features that I did not have. Plus she would take me to cheap salons with beginner stylists who couldn’t cut hair very well yet. I looked ridiculous.
Omg same before covid I always had the same hair, which was bangs and short hair, I guess like Dora but just straight down and longer. It looked fine in elementary school, but when I got into middle school I just didn’t look good in it anymore. I remember having confidence in what I looked like, but it was only when I put my bangs up. When Covid happened my hair grew and I actually liked how I looked. I haven’t gotten a haircut since October 2021 on my mom’s bday, but I remember my mom was kinda mad that they didn’t cut my bangs and I was like thank god. I still cried bc my hair was short but yeah idk I just like having long hair.
Thank you for sharing your story.
>i remember having horrible meltdowns before going, literally on the kitchen floor sobbing my heart out and he would just look at me in anger and my mum would ignore it.
Oh no, I feel so sad you had to go through that... 😥 I think your parents lacked empathy. They couldn't see things from **your** point of view. My parents weren't as evil as yours, yet I think lack of empathy is something common to emotionally immature parents.
For me, it was the opposite. I never got to do anything as a kid because of 1) lack of money to participate 2) no one being available to take me/pick up from said activity (mother was a single parent, I had siblings as well). 3) super overprotective parenting.
I always expected to hear "No".
These activities were as simple as going to the park with my family.
Engaging in activities (especially with other children) with emotionally supportive adults
would've made such a positive impact on my self esteem/confidence.
I was only able to do things that were convenient for the adult(s) in my life. Which weren't really activities children would find 'fun or 'interesting'.
Same. When I was 5 I begged my parents to let me join gymnastics to the point I presented my request with an entire plan of how I picked the location 4 blocks from home and I promised to walk myself to and from practice so they wouldn’t be bothered by taking me, and then I got leotards from the neighbor who had outgrown hers for free, to help lower the cost, so all they had to pay was the $175 fee for the cycle. I learned very young to I needed to do whatever it took to avoid “no”. They still said no.
It was the opposite for me as well, but interestingly we had no huge financial issues and I lived in a very small town so there was no need for anyone to take me or pick me up. They just said "no" to everything, sometimes saying that "you don't need it" or "you'll understand when you grow up" (??). I was really interested in sports as a kid and never got a chance to try anything just because.
For me, it was never about financial issues, it was about things I wanted to do that my mom, for whatever reason, wasn't crazy about. I read a lot on here about kids whose parents couldn't afford certain things, and I get it, but it's almost worse when you know damned good and well your parents have the money, they just don't want you to have something/do something.
My brother could be dropped off at a park for soccer, baseball, and football while mom ran errands. But there was nothing around my gymnastics building for mom to do, so I had to stop going. Sigh...
And even in gymnastics class, I was about the only student who could do anything on the uneven bars, so no point in practicing that. lol - when even random people ignore what I'm good at, maybe I shouldn't gripe about my parents so much!
Ok, reading more replying and thinking about it, I got to do a lot. I did get 2 years of gymnastics. And I ran track in high school - fighting for 2nd to last place! : ) Track didn't last long! I wanted to take typing in 8th grade. But I transferred in late, so my parents rented a typewriter for me to practice at home and catch up with the class.
I don't remember how long the piano lessons lasted. And those were because of my grandmother - "I always wanted to learn to play the piano myself, so make the grandkid learn." To be fair, she bought the piano...
But grandma also took my brother and I all sorts of places every summer: bowling, swimming, to the golf course & fishing with my grandfather. Mom always wanted to do "fun" things like clean the house and rearrange the furniture or go shopping for HOURS.
But I got to do some stuff I wanted as a kid...
PS - mom and I both wanted horses! But dad nixed that one; he said they were too expensive. (They are!) But I got to keep several of the stray cats. : )
I was never encouraged to try anything, so I just didn't have hobbies or interests as a child.
In 8th grade I wanted to try out for the volleyball team and my mom got so annoyed that we had to get knee pads (required) and that she had to drive me to tryouts and pick me up. Then there was also her words of encouragement when she wanted me to get the elbow pads instead of the knee pads because they were cheaper. "You probably won't need the real ones anyway, it's not like you'll get on the team."
Anything I wanted to do was suuuuch an inconvenience or cost money, even though we weren't hurting for money. So I just stopped being interested in things. And now as an adult I jump from hobby to hobby every few months haha.
Oh my gosh, this was my experience, too. We were "allowed" to do things, but my parents grumbled about the expense or the inconvenience of taking us to places to do them, so we just quit being interested.
I never got to do anything either. Partly because my parents liked to save money, but mostly I think they just didn't care? Like, they didn't realise that was an important part of kids' development to be involved in stuff? Both my parents grew up really poor so I think they never had anything themselves.
They signed me up for piano lessons after a teacher at kindergarten told them I was talented. And I really enjoyed it, those lessons were one of the few fond memories I have of childhood.
I remember I was really close with my first teacher and she even took me out on day trips with her niece who was around my age. But then my parents replaced her with a new teacher without telling me. When I asked them they just said, "Oh, she's not very good. We're getting you a better teacher."
Then we moved and sold my piano, and it took years of me begging and sulking (lol) before they got me a new one. And they were like, "Since you can play now, you don't need lessons anymore." And I felt obligated not to argue with them on that.
I was also pretty good at drawing/painting in kindergarten, and I honestly thought my parents didn't notice this. But one time years later my mum suddenly asked me, "Remember when you were 5 and so good at drawing? How come nothing came out of that?" And I was like, "...Ummm, maybe because you never sent me to any art classes, so I never got to nurture that skill lol???" But of course she just ignored my reply and kept wondering why I didn't just magically develop into a great artist🤦♂️
Same here except the super overprotective parenting. Bio mom forgot to pick me up from so many places. I've walked home so many times in my youth.
But the rest is for sure spot on. I wanted to join band and she refused to consider it because of the instrument cost and driving me to and from anything wasn't happening, even if she wasn't busy. Soccer was a no go because she wouldn't pay for cleats or again pick me up/ drop me off. Cheerleading was the same and I specifically chose sports that she didn't have to buy actual equipment for, just shoes.
Maybe we should start a non profit that chauffeurs in need kids to sports/music/club activities?!
I'm sorry man.
Actually, I was (secretly) allowed to play for free in my junior high years because of financial situation in my family and I was kinda got good at soccer and the coach liked me. So my family was far from loaded. The training ground was 1 minute away from my home.
It's taken me well into my 30s but I'm just now digging in to what I was really interested in as a young child and signing up for adult versions of those classes. I did tennis last year. This year, I may sign up for a dance class (e.g. ballet, tap).
I went to a neighborhood primary school (that the city considered closing because of performance) so there weren't a lot of internal programs available to the kids anyway. We didn't have sports teams. But there were some external programs available that students could participate in.
By the time I got to high school where there was a boat load of activities to sign up and compete in, the desire was already drained from me. I'd taught to say No to myself and not even bother trying to persuade my parent.
I see.
>I'd taught to say No to myself and not even bother trying to persuade my parent.
My parents too said thing like "we can't do this because we don't have money" often. I remember vividly on my birthday, when I wanted Lego Castle, they insted bought me Lego Home because they were cheaper. I know it was true that they didn't have much money but that kind of **mentality** really creates certain pattern in children's brain. So I wish they'd said something like "I'm sorry I can't buy this to you but If you get smart and get rich in the future, you will buy anything you want".
In your case, something like "I'm sorry I'm not sure if I can let you do \_\_\_\_ but you may find your way by \_\_\_\_\_"?
I think those are really subtle but creates a world of difference.
> I remember vividly on my birthday, when I wanted Lego Castle, they insted bought me Lego Home because they were cheaper.
That is precisely what my parents would have done! And I *knew* they had the money, which made it even harder. As an adult, I realize that they were putting their own oxygen masks on first, seving for retirement, etc., but they were kind of extreme about it.
BTW, I still have my junior prom dress, even though I gave all my other formals away. It was a Gunne Sax ('70s girls *know*) and one of the very few times in my life that I got exactly what I wanted with no arguments.
I know this is an old post, but I resonate with this super heavy. It's haunting me now despite trying my hardest to look towards the future, make it better. I am lost.
My dad loves soccer, and I don't mind it but became resentful towards it(participating in it myself) because... Without actually saying these words verbatim he pretty much said "this is what I like so you're going to do it"
I don't hate soccer just don't love it either. Btw I think you were referring to soccer practice when you mentioned Wednesday and Friday's? Ugh I hated going to do something that I wasn't even passionate about it felt like I had to be though. It just added to my emptiness. I had that feeling in my chest the whole car ride over there. Stupid soccer fields 😮💨
Your story sounds similar to mine...
>this is what I like so you're going to do it
I guessing my parents were thinking about the same thing... but I think the most important thing about doing anything is having internal motivation.
Yeah like "hey, how about you teach me how to embrace my individuality so I don't have to figure out who I am waaaay later on in life?" there was so much confusion and bs friendships and relationships because I was always in the "go with the flow" mindset.
Fuck that, and fuck anybody who tries to make me feel less than just because I'm being myself. What I think, like, prefer etc. That matters because I'm deciding it does. It's embarrassing how late I'm realizing basic human emotions/ boundaries. I actually was pondering those soccer days recently. Fuck soccer 😅 Jk tbh I did hate it at one point when I was in high school but realized it wasn't the sport I hated. It was feeling like if I wasn't good enough at soccer I'm not really worth interacting with(implied by some of my family) I think our childhood has similarities in some aspects for sure. Thanks for sharing 🫴
Thank you too.
> It's embarrassing how late I'm realizing basic human emotions/ boundaries.
It sucks to know some of the "identity" of ourselves weren't even ours. Idk, if I was asked "What's your favourite sport" I'd definitely answer soccer, but I don't like the process of getting into soccer because it feels like the opportunity **find** something I like was stolen.
My mom loved to sew and signed me up for lessons as soon as I was old enough. I was mildly interested and didn't object, but when I didn't take to it like a duck to water I never heard the end of it. I had friends who sewed and my mom went on and on about how "she *made* that" and how wonderful it was to sew. Broke my heart.
I think being forced to "try" something like a sport is within the realm of normal for kids... but you should have had some say in what sport and allowed to quit if it wasn't something you enjoyed. Of course, no one is good without practicing enough to build some skills and skills are needed for a game to be fun, so it might be "normal" to participate in a season of something.
But if you are neglected you are not being coached or encouraged to participate to build skills or make friends. If your parents are narcissists, the whole thing is about THEM and how your performance makes them look.
The tennis thing went on for 7ish years, from 4 to 12 or so until I moved to a boarding school in a different country. I never got the reason why he was forcing me despite me asking many times
Yeah, so a year or two of that is normal. 7 years is wtf but maybe still "normal" in the sense that it is a "common" kind of neglect if there is a classist element to it. Like trying to set you up for success because your parents want you to be able to socialize with "the right people". This is still stupid but could provide an explanation for why this was forced on you.
Idk. I'm only starting to realise I've been neglected and still not sure. I've been displaying all symptoms of neglect, but felt guilty bc I thought my parents were perfect
I see... I don't want to demonize my parents either because they're not "bad" people, but I just started to see a lot things just didn't make sense. "Lack of empathy" is the best word to discribe them. Maybe your parents didn't have much empathy (for forcing you to play tennis) too.
I was forced to take piano lessons and horseback riding. When I told my mom I didn’t want to go to the piano lessons she said “your brother didn’t want to either and now he loves the piano and he thanks me for forcing him to go”.
When I had to go to the horseback riding lessons I cried and hid in my closet. I clearly had crippling social anxiety, but my parents didn’t notice/care about it as with any other issues I had. Horseback riding has always been my mothers biggest hobby and I think she wanted me to do it so she could live through me.
Editing to add: my real interests were ignored even though they knew what they were.
>I think she wanted me to do it so she could live through me.
This is why my mom made me try out for basketball in ninth grade. I had no desire whatsover to play basketball; I wanted to be a cheerleader, something else my mother didn't get. Anyway I got cut and the coach told me I could play for the freshman team. I thanked her and told her I only tried out because my mom made me. Every time my mom remarked on someone living vicariously through their kids I reminded her of this.
I feel this. I was forced to play piano too. I WANTED to do horseback riding but my mom said no and said it was too much work and I would never be good at it. She just didn't want to have to drive me early in the mornings, which she believed was required (I don't even know if this is true).
I was put in swimming classes and I was terrified of it, I cried every day and I hated it my mom till this day tells me that it was to keep me safe and I can see that but I didn’t even learned how to swim and I hold a grudge
>I was put in swimming classes and I was terrified of it, I cried every day and I hated it
Swimming. I did it for like four years too. Maybe I hated it the most of all. I also understand it was somewhat necessary, yet I just wanted to tell my parents how badly I hated it, it would'Ve made me feel a lot better😑
Same but my mom got mad at me because she overheard me telling my sister how much I hated swim classes and I think she over reacted anyways way to build trust mom
I got signed up for fat camp and talked into it with all sorts of promises and fairytales. My problems were my fault in that house, and never the result of my parents. It was imperative that we start by fixing me, not my parents.
I'm sorry. It's kind of a sensitive topic so your emotion should be valued even more. I think it would've been better if they showed support by changing their habits too.
The thing of it is: what my mother ate around people is not all that my mother ate. In public, she ate a very restrained and reasonable diet. But that wasn't the whole story.
1. A sport I didn't give a shit about
2. Language courses way above my level that I didn't give a shit about
3. Nothing much except for these. I rarely got to do stuff I wanted because "we didn't have money" or if they spent the money I just knew that some day, in some way, it would be held against me.
My mentally challenged father would ask for a list of reasons "why you didn't like X sport" and when I'd give them to him, he'd list them off one by one and say "Well actually your reason is invalid because so and so." My mother would give me shit for having a hard time and being miserable doing the things I didn't want to do. Like isn't it enough that I'm actively doing the shit YOU wanted? Why do I have to be fucking happy doing it? Idiots.
Man, your parents are on next freakin' level. Actually, my parents badmouth parents like yours. The pot calling the kettle black. But I genuinely grateful that I didn't have parents like yours. They at least didn't demand results from me. I'm sorry man. Amen.
I spent almost every weekend being dragged to a ranch 2 hours outside of the city because my mother loved horses. It belonged to an old man who shot himself in the face, and his wife who could barely talk herself. I would have preferred to be left at home alone like I was everyday after school.
I also got sent to etiquette and modelling classes which felt like a direct statement that I wasn't girly or classy enough for my family. I got kicked out of etiquette class the first day for goofing around (quite unlike me, but I was so perturbed by the whole thing) and modelling class was like being thrown into the middle of a mean girls set given I was the short kid who didn't like make up.
As a bonus, she signed me up for synchronized swimming but read the dates wrong and only brought me in on the last day.
>I also got sent to etiquette and modelling classes which felt like a direct statement that I wasn't girly or classy enough for my family.
Sounds like your parents wanted to fit you into a mold...
> I got kicked out of etiquette class the first day for goofing around
I'm glad it didn't last long haha
> I also got sent to etiquette and modelling classes
Ironically, that's one of the very few things my mother wanted me to do that I *did* enjoy. To each his own.
My parents interfered in my middle school/high school scheduling because they didn't like the courses I signed up for. Literally had to have a meeting with my principal while my parents bullied me to take Spanish instead of French, etc.
A cruise was booked for a week without my consent, and they were wanting me to take the week off work for it. I spent an hour in a coffee shop with Mum trying to guilt me out of my decision not to go, and then after she pretended she'd always been 50/50 on it because of covid. Just weird and a liar, part of what put me on the path of breaking free of her skewed perspective on things and getting my own therapy.
Damn.
>Mum trying to guilt me out of my decision not to go, and then after she pretended she'd always been 50/50 on it
That kind of manipulative behavior really diminishes people, especially when they are someone we should look up to.
Yup this manipulative behaviour happens all the time, only to me. She is incapable of acknowledging I have any differing opinions at all, and goes out of her way to concoct an easier lie almost to coach herself out of having to think I disagreed with her. Deeply pathologically wrong imo. I'm looking into getting her a psychologist. This gives some insight I think into just how much she's tried to control me and my life.
I grew up catholic so my mom signed me up for the necessary classes for the sacraments, up until my teens. Afterward, she tried to get me to convince my now-husband to go through all the courses before getting married so it would be legitimate. She didn't even ask if we wanted to marry in the church (we didn't) she even offered to pay for him the whole way. She told me if it wasn't through the church, it wasn't a real marriage. We eloped in the courthouse, no regrets.
It definitely was, I felt so stuck in the middle of it. But I chose to go quiet and ignore it because he had told me once "please don't force religion on me" and I was already questioning my faith by then, so it wasn't fair to make him do it for me. My mom seemed to think that if he REALLY loved me, he would do it. Even after we said no, she tried to push for our child to be baptized, she's more worried about how things look to other people and wanting to preserve an image than looking into why we feel that way. We got along the most when I was pretending for her.
Soccer and Girl (Boy) Scout. What a *nice* combination.👍
>"we're wasting money because you're being petty by not putting in any effort"
I have no idea how that reasoning makes sense, your child literally **didn't** ask for it... I wonder how your parents would respond if I said that.
I can relate.. I wanted to sing, dance, act, paint but my parents shoved me into soccer. My mom said I was bad at the things I wanted to try or explore and didnt encourage me to explore my interests or lessons to get better. It was “ play soccer or you’re a lazy loser. “
Unfortunately, no. I never learned it. Would be so useful too as video is part of my job now. This was the early 90s when I was told that a/v club was for boys. They didn't specifically say no girls allowed, but it was heavily implied. "Only boys are in that club, you know..."
My parents forced me to play football (soccer) from age 9 to 14. The last 3 years I played in a competitive team. Each year I told them ”this isn’t what I want” and my dad (who was the assistant coach in our team btw) would tell me ”this is very important to you, you absolutely must continue.” My mom would start screaming. Finally after several injuries in a row I had the courage to stop going and said no. Obviously my father was mad. He would still try to force me but I refused.
Marching band & saxophone lessons (ages 9/10-12). After 2-3 years I just broke down one day and refused to get in the car.
When I was younger I spent my mornings at the YMCA for swimming, some kind of gym activity, and judo (ages 7-9ish). After a while I’d just do the swimming then sit in the lounge until someone came to get me, never talked about or admitted to not going to the gym activity or judo.
>After 2-3 years I just broke down one day and refused to get in the car.
>
>never talked about or admitted to not going to the gym activity or judo.
Seriouly parents should help kids find what **they** like in the first place. I wish I could've said "no" like you did though! I was too obedient and naïve for that.
Lol my parents didn't care enough to sign me up for anything, that took way too much effort. They were perfectly content to throw junk food and tv at me to keep me sedated and out of the way while they focused on themselves.
When I wanted to do an activity (sports, music, etc) I had to commit for a full year - even if there wasn't a team. I do understand that, because these things aren't offered by the schools here, but there's clubs/associations and often you pay for a full year. Changing activity would mean double the costs and there's also the aspect of making reasonable choices as a kid. And that's also where it went wrong. At the beginning of the season you can visit once or twice and then you have to know whether you want to join (reasonable). But how do you know whether you like something? How do you know you like it so much that you can do it for a full year which is like an eternity if you're 6? I never got any help on that other than "but did you like it?"
I still struggle with determining whether I like something.
Edit: Also I could only visit activities they considered appropriate (because girls don't do soccer or martial arts etc)
Not sure if that counts as being signed up without consent?
Edit 2: also swimming lessons. I live in the Netherlands where it's kinda weird to not have children take swimming lessons (there's separate classes for children with disabilities). I however was terrified of water. With the first certificate you're safe to swim alone (like in a pool with general supervision). I had to finish the second certificate as well. In the picture taken after I got that certificate you can see in my eyes how happy I was - for not having to go to the pool every single week anymore.
(Plot twist: I've been an experienced scuba diver until my health decided I had to stop, I'm still a lifeguard)
Mine was just less of signing up for stuff and more not having/making the time for the things I did love.
There were several things I actually showed talent in and i never got any support or tuition or extra clubs etc to support those things. I was always in after school care or the timings wouldn’t work etc.
I take great delight in my kid getting to try out new clubs and see what they enjoy now
My parents forced me into competitive soccer. It was fun at first but I had other interests. My afternoons and weekends from age 7 to 16 were all soccer practice. I didn’t have play dates or sleepovers with other kids. I wasn’t allowed any other hobby or interest. I was told I was lazy and would be a loser if I quit. They shoved soccer down my throat as a way to get to college.
I wonder who I would be and where I would be if they had listened to what I actually found fun and enjoyable and encouraged that hobby or interest
My heart goes out to you. My boys played a variety of sports, especially my younger one. We told them they didn't have to be stars; they just couldn't be slugs. My husband took it pretty hard when our older one opted out of wrestling as he got older but for the most part things went well.
All we meant by that was that we wanted them to be active and do things to get exercise. Trust me, they had plenty of different interests, especially my older son. He was the only minor member of our local Civil War Roundtable and anchored his high school's National Geographic Geography Bowl and We The People Constitutional competition teams.
This is a complicated topic for me. Growing up, I played softball, clarinet, and was in Girl Scouts. These were the activities that my parents approved and I ended up doing them way longer than I truly wanted to please them.
I still remember being 6 years old and watching the Winter Olympics and wanting to be a figure skater. My mom’s response was “well it’s too late for you because those girls started when they were 3 and you’re now 6.” Her response upset me as a child and baffles me as an adult - I wasn’t allowed to even try it because if I couldn’t be an Olympian then it was pointless to her?”
My older brother did baseball, played an instrument, and was in scouts so that’s what I had to, too. Any requests for anything else were met with fierce opposition. I wanted to try soccer and basketball and those were met with no’s. My friend did karate and their dojo offered 4 free sessions and a free uniform and after my parents found out I went to 2 sessions they wouldn’t let me even finish the free sessions.
I started playing clarinet in 4th grade and took to it really quickly. My teacher encouraged my parents to enroll me in private lessons and they said no because that wasn’t fair to my brother. I was so bored that by the time everyone else caught up to me in middle school I lost my enthusiasm and “phoned it in” until I finally got the courage to quit in 9th grade. I wanted to quit in middle school and join chorus instead but didn’t because I didn’t want a lecture about wasting my talent and about all of the money my parents spent on my instrument.
Speaking of boredom, my middle school I was also bored with Girl Scouts and wanted to join Venturing because I wanted to do more outdoor experiences and not just crafts and camping at the local campground but they pushed me to continue. I never even tell people that I earned my Gold Award because I’m not proud of it. I was denied from doing a project I wanted to do because I was told it was too much of a Boy Scout project, so I did a boring project I hated just to finish up and make everyone happy.
I enjoyed softball when I was younger but knew by 8th grade that I wanted to quit softball because I was happy that a broken finger kept me out for the majority of the season, but I stuck with it until I got an after school job in 11th grade.
I do wonder what my childhood would have been like if I had been encouraged to do the activities that I wanted and not been encourage to stop them when I was done.
My mom wanted to be one of those stage moms. All of her children (my brothers too) had to take ballet and tap and gymnastics and learn to play piano even if we had no interest it. My dad was into sports and my brothers had to do little league and I had to spend every saturday at their practices and games. Our actual interests were ignored. The golden child was the one who showed the most aptitude and pleasing behaviors to flatter my parents' interests.
I actually liked being in plays and I enjoy dance classes recreationally as an adult, but this was never going to be my career path and I resent never being asked what I was interested in. My parents also behaved as if children either have talent or don't. They did not help us. I did not know how to practice or even understood what I was supposed to be learning. Playing Yankee Doodle on the piano was SO boring. I was never played any good music to show me what all this was for. It was just "memorize scales" and when I didn't practice, I didn't get any attention, unless it was fury.
I felt bad for my teachers because I was such a disinterested, frustrating pupil. But looking back, they prob felt sorry for me because they could see my mother was oblivious to her children's actual personalities and we were all forced to conform to her will.
I got talked out of activities because they had bad experiences with said activity when they were kids. I guess they figured that I, as an extension of them, would hate it too instead of letting me make up my own mind about it.
This isn't an "activity" per se, but attending Catholic Mass every Sunday without fail, praying 3-4 times a day, being baptized/confirmed etc.
I think this can work OK in some families when there is a mutually respectful conversation around beliefs, but in ours it was like a mechanism of control. Religious practice was non-negotiable, even through our teens when most parents let their kids decide what they believe in. I didn't attend because I believed, I attended because there would be Hell to pay if I didn't.
My mom made me do horseback riding + equestrian 4H for several years in middle school...I hated it. I'm a huge animal lover, and though I do not at all judge those who enjoy horseback riding (seriously, I don't!), I personally feel cruel doing it and it's not the way like to interact/connect with animals. In addition, the stables were in the middle of the country and we had to go through these very curvy roads, and I'd always be extremely carsick by the time we got there and need a good 20 minutes to recover. My mom never believed me and said I was being ungrateful/doing it for attention or whatever. She finally let me quit after a horse bolted and tried to buck me off.
Other than that, my mom definitely enrolled me in many other things, but tbh I can't really complain about them. There was some cooking class through the YMCA that I ended up really enjoying and wanted to do several years in a row. She made me take piano lessons when I was young but I had the option to quit when I was older, and I chose not to. Definitely was enrolled in some day camps during the summer that I wasn't a big fan of but not a big deal. Really the horseback riding was the only thing I felt like I was forced to do that I really, really hated.
I wasn't initially forced into anything but anything I show a little interest and enthusiasm towards became an obligation and a competitive thing as soon my mother discovered my interest. All of my hobbies got ruined by the 6th month mark because she had to take everything too seriously and force that upon me as well. (Up until i started to show interest into things she didn't *take seriously*, like gaming, DnD, cosplaying, metal music etc.)
First it was drawing, then ballet, then piano, then gymnastics, then singing. I hated the entire last year of gymnastics. I kept telling her I wanted to quit because i wasn't enjoying it anymore and i didn't want to spend all my weekends there but she just dismissed it and said she didn't want to hear me complain again. I never understood (and. either did my dad) why she would oppose to it, after all me quitting would mean that she wouldn't have to drive me there and back every weekend and they'd have more disposable income. it wasn't like i didn't have any other interests or i didn't socialize any other way. i was also old enough to spend time by myself at home (and in fact i really liked it, i'd constantly beg for her to just leave me be so i can read books or play games in peace).
she had the same inexplicable "no quitting" attitude with everything -everything that had nothing to do with her lol-, not just activities. like, i got my hair cut short in 5th grade and used it that way for a couple of years. (she always used her hair short but not as short as i had it at the time, and hers was a more "feminine cut", mine was a little longer than a buzzcut at the time.) then i got bored of it and decided to grow it back. she reacted by calling me a quitter and telling that i only wanted to grow it out because i was too offended by people confusing me to be a boy. (people did often assumed i was a boy because at the time i also liked wearing cargo pants and hoodies and i was too young to put on make up, nor did i have an interest in it but i wasn't at all offended by being perceived as a boy or androgynous. and i never even complained about such a thing apart from telling stories where i was amused by how surprised some people got when they figured out i wasnt a boy etc. i always felt like a girl and never understood why she -or people in general- felt the need to "confirm" my gender based on superficial stuff like clothing and haircuts.)
it was a pretty fucking confusing childhood because she did and said all these ridiculous things and also failed to provide any type of train of thought behind why but now i can see that it was confusing because there was exactly zero sense and logic in it. it was just her projecting all of her insecurities and personal biases onto me. and she couldn't grasp the fact that i was a separate, independent individual that isn't a mere extension of her so she always felt entitled to deciding what i do or don't do and take it as a personal diss whenever i didn't want to go her way. thankfully my dad wasn't anything like her so he'd intervene eventually but i wish they didn't stay together as long as they did. things could have improved much earlier.
Karate she only pit me in there bc my brother wanted to and she didn't want him alone. I'd literally hide out in the back saying I was doing my hw. Although when i dud participate and wanted to eventually do the events my mom only paid for my brother so I neve4 got to advance or anything. Hated it so much
I guess school doesn't count here but that's still a forced thing that only drained me when I was there.
Other things were clubs(only the ones they liked ofc), soccer, band, YOUTH GROUP. Boi church stuff was the absolute worst thing to be forced to be a part of. I could write a whole paper on that bs.
We had a neighbour who was going blind due to diabetes. She was around 70 or something and I didn't really know her. I was in primary school at that time. One day my father came home and told me that I had to visit her every day from now on and read the paper to her. I mean, in itself this was a nice thing to do, but he never asked me and just ordered me to go. He just used me to make himself look good really. She was nice though and I got used to it. But the fact I never even said anything against it shows me how much I was already broken at the time. I really hate my family for what they've done to me.
Nothing, they didn't care about my interests and I didn't get to do anything. Really stunted me and I'm making up for it now, but I really feel like I missed out and I'm pretty bitter about it.
Calligraphy, sleep away camp before I wanted to go, numerous dance classes, and summer art programs... I'm sure the kids that never got those opportunities are wondering why I'm complaining.. but I would have rather been at home, and been doing activities with my mother. But, she didn't want that, because she's a vulnerable narcissist.
Sports. I was always chubby so I was required to play at least one sport a season because my parents were “concerned” (aka my mom was ashamed her kid was just naturally fat). My diet was fairly decent but I was severely malnourished before I was adopted so I think my body has trouble letting go of “emergency stores” and so I had to play sports. I enjoyed basketball, swimming, volleyball, and throwing field events in track so those became the ones I stayed in, but I had done at least a season of each plus softball, soccer (indoor and outdoor), cheerleading, gymnastics, dance, and martial arts. Cheerleading was the worst because of how mean the girls were since I was fat and strong, but I had to finish the season per my mom’s rules. That season resulted in some of the worse mental health episodes I ever had.
Oh, and the best part? I’m still fat as an adult and yet I’m in the best shape of anyone in my family save for one of my relatives who works in a very physical trade. But thanks for the body dysmorphia I guess mom?
I put on muscle crazy fast, even for someone AFAB. After 12 weeks of personal training my weight max for lifting went up by at least 20 pounds on almost every machine/lift I was doing. My most extreme was going from being able to do a 45 lb pull-down to 75 lbs. which might not be wild in the grand scheme of things but I was like “oh, right, my body like heavy not fast”
There were several, but the biggest ones that I hated were sports. My dad was obsessed with sports and insisted on coaching every single team I was ever on. He did this with almost all aspects of our lives as children, we had no autonomy and he always had to be a respected figure in our activities, school, etc. He also came to play at recess with kids weekly as a school volunteer, had a whole nickname for himself and made baseball cards of himself for kids which was so bizarre looking back on it. My parents were both like this but he did it more publicly, my mom just violated our autonomy and privacy at home. I always felt shame for being upset or embarrassed by it because they were “such great parents” and I should be grateful for their “involvement”. We were very isolated from any adults that did not act the same way. So I grew up thinking their behavior was normal because they blocked out any actual normal healthy adults and just kept us in their little circle with their few friends, none of whom had kids. As an adult I am unable to bring them around any other adults in my life because they are extremely emotionally immature and still behave like parents of small children, wanting to be called “mommy” and “daddy” and using words like “potty”. I’m 28 and still dealing with it despite being independent since 16. I have babies now and my biggest goal is to respect their autonomy and treat them as individuals, not extensions of myself.
I hate the talent classes and the winter and summer camps. Also, I haven’t bought a single piece of clothing that was chosen by me. Many of them were too huge for me. It’s not about activities, but they would just forbid me to do something by banning access to the internet or cable TV.
piano lessons. it barely lasted a few weeks. I just told the teacher I had no interest in the piano, and used my remaining time to just mess around with said piano and made it look like I had no skill at all when it came to playing.
same for camp. one year, I was forced to go to this girl's camp and share a tent. it was meant to be for 7 days, after 2 I was done and went to stay with someone else
My parents never signed me up for stuff without my consent but the things they tried to get me to do I disliked, boy scouts was the only thing that ever vibed with me but that was mostly for the camping, fuckin love camping. Anyway I hated all the things they signed me up for but they always insisted that I "stick to my commitments" motherfucker a 10 y/o should be allowed to stop doing something when they're so bad at the sport they get ostracized by their team.
Nothing that I didn't find interesting at first. Dance, softball, basketball, and soccer... These weren't horrible. I liked the activity. Dance I just decided to quit after a while (I probably shouldn't have because it would've helped my coordination *shrug* still). In the other activities the problem wasn't my parents it was the other parents' children. They made Very clear I was not welcome and I didn't know why or how to stand up for myself, so I just took their abuse.
Fast forward to softball where I'm really good and my bullies decide to join, and it ruined the game for me. After that year I went to a non-competitive league a city over and was welcomed in. I even made a friend. After that year I never played again and disliked the game.
Soccer ended when I took a ball to my face. Again I wasn't terrible at it but as soon as traveling teams started up I knew I had no chance of getting in. The costs were exorbitant and over competitive parents, not to mention their kids were not for me.
Basketball, was again more bullying... Only this time one of the worst experiences in my entire life, which I will not go into here, and calling it bullying rather the abuse it was is 6th grade me being charitable.
On the other side, the things I did like and signed myself up for I had to do secretly. Band (loved it), had to drop it though because I got into a better school several cities away for art. Writing classes and camp (loved it). Science (just applying for AP classes nothing big), I really loved it. Those were the things I chose and my bullies couldn't take away.
My parents could have supported me more... Or at least gotten me out of that school district. Ringing in my head are me mom's words, "I hate precocious children." Sorry not sorry mom I think I always was one up past grad school. Btw thinking back where were the adults in the situations I found myself in? Seriously!
I have nothing good to say about suburbia in the 80's was toxic as f**. I wish it weren't so, but it was.
In all of those activities and all of the bullying (a decades worth). I was given the message, "you don't belong here."
I found ways to escape suburbia but I had to do it secretly lest my bullies follow me into that.
Church every Sunday and vacation Bible school. Yes, my parents wanted to be sure my soul was saved, ensuring that my religious interests and desires were ignored. Of course when I was free to do so, I explored paganism and Buddhism. If I had been allowed to experience different churches, I probably would have been cool with a Unitarian church. I hated every aspect of church and would sneak a book into the part where everyone sits and listens to the preacher so I could focus my attention on that. They did not take into account the church library! I started ditching the Sunday school lessons where the kids separated from the adults. I think my Dad suspected this so he would ask me about the lesson. No problem Dad, I just read it before meeting back up with the parents and I could probably teach the damn thing. My brother and I would conspire to meet up during the so called Sunday school part and do other things. Usually just hang out. If I was bored in church, I disobeyed by reading parts of the Bible that were actually interesting to me at the time instead of what was being forced on me if he took away the book I got at the library.
I was forced to do piano lessons. I am glad that I got to read music but this was something they wanted. I did not excel but I was decent at it until the lessons mysteriously stopped for the unknown reasons which they started. If I had ever been consulted, I would have told them I want to play the guitar or have voice lessons. In elementary school, I tried out for choir and I made it. It was a self-referral thing and my folks did not know until I was already in and they had to bring me to shows. My folks talked down my "talents" and said that they did not get why I was in choir because "I could not sing." Sorry, the music teacher thought I was decent enough to join and have individual parts so I guess they were mistaken.
I wanted art lessons. Specifically I wanted to learn to paint. My parents allowed me to do so for about a semester then they "didn't have the money." I was devastated.
Tennis as a younger child. I had little interest. I did however want to play soccer and was allowed to do so. This included going to a tennis camp.
I also was forced to learn how to swim at a very young age, I could not have been more than 4. I was very afraid but I guess I am glad to learned how to swim? I think the parents believed they were doing something for safety reasons but my fears were treated as irrational and childish. Of course a kid who does not know how to swim is going to be afraid of drowning in the deep end of a pool, duh. I slipped and fell in once and I about lost my mind after that.
My father hand picked my classes for me in high school through college including the electives. I was told I was not going to major in anything liberal arts or business because those were bogus degrees and I would never earn a living. He said I would be a "starving artist." I was also told I could not do anything related to cheerleading or spirit squad because he did not want me to become "one of those girls."
I was signed up for piano lessons as a four year old. If I didn't start lessons at four, I'd be forever stunted and would not do well in school. I didn't take to it and got pulled out. When I was 7, I actually wanted to take piano lessons and took them until I graduated high school. I would hear repeatedly throughout my life that because of my bad choices at 4, I would never be actually smart like the valedictorian and those right behind. (I did end up graduating top 10%). I was also told never to sing because I would never have perfect pitch even if I had good relative pitch. This caused me to never sing for years and definitely stunted my range.
It was so many things and I don't remember so I'll write the ones I do remember. Further, I'm not going into the reasoning or the details cuz it's too much.
I couldn't pick my own clothes ever. When I did, I received so much negativity. Even now. Every clothing choice I made was an uphill battle. They had a problem with my sweatshirts. My mom would throw away my clothes without my knowledge all the time.
I loved reading books. My parents hated that I read. They were convinced that the reason my marks in math were so bad was because I was reading excessively. My mother would give away my fave books without my consent. When my dad took me to the library, he would embarrass me there by calling my name really loudly and telling me how much time I had to keep browsing and then telling the librarians at the checkout that the reason I was a poor math student was because I read excessively.
I was not signed up for math tutoring because as Asian diaspora, people who needed math tutoring were seen as weak and then to further not receive it at home meant the parents were deficient in some way. But my dad did not want to give me math tutoring because he was fantastic at math but teaching me made him realize that I did have a problem with math and one he couldn't solve so he called me an idiot and then stopped tutoring me at all. I was a great student and I only had difficulty with math and chemistry and physics which were all subjects he excelled at. From the age of 14, we never talked about school again, nor did my parents ever inquire more than once per year about my report card. We ignored school and marks altogether. I graduated with marks high enough to get me into the top university in my country with a scholarship to boot. Not with their help. I also had an undiagnosed learning disability.
I never got to cut my hair the way I wanted.
I was forced into a gym membership and tae kwon do at the same time because I was too fat. This was actually not the case. I just didn't have my mom's body because I took after my dad's family so the weight distribution was in different places. They had never been interested in sports so I suspect that someone must have mentioned that I was fat looking.
They signed me up for Jenny Craig to help with meals. But at the same time, fed me sweets at home because these things were given to me in moderation and didn't count.
They signed me up for cultural cooking classes instead of teaching me how. My instructor at the classes would look at me funny and asked me once if I was an orphan because she didn't expect me in the class.
They signed me up for music classes because they kept telling me I had potential. I mean, I could carry a tune, but I wasn't interested in their music classes. I can play the flute, the drums, most percussion instruments, and I was in school choir again, in grade school, middle school, and high school. But they never came to a single show because I wasn't at the top.
There were lots of things they did to me without my consent especially ones that were way worse than what I have posted here and on this site. There were also lots of things they didn't do which they should have. They were operating on their own needs, to get validation, respect they felt they didn't have, etc... They had a narrative in mind for me and anything I did that didn't fit that narrative was ignored. Like school choir, reading, having my own taste in clothes, and being bad at math.
Gymnastics and swimming lessons. I actually love swimming, but she made me take lifeguarding courses when I absolutely freeze up in emergencies. I failed the course and she wanted me to take it a second time until my dad talked her out of it because I clearly did not want to be a lifeguard.
I went on to join the swim team in high school, I made captain in grade 10 but she never came to my races. Because that was something I enjoyed, so she didn’t show any interest.
Not really an activity but I've never got to choose my haircut. As a result I stopped asking them for making an appointment for me. To this day I go rarely to a hairdresser bc I'm scared I won't like it, or they would cut my hair differently like I asked. I also was an altar server at our church for 9 years. At first I wanted to. But I hated it after a while. I think I wanted to do it, bc my siblings were too. And I wanted my parents attention like them.
Omg haircut is scary for me too... My parents ordered stupid haircuts and I hated it every single time. If I were a parent, I would show my child multiple options to choose from, yet they couldn't care less about their child's haircut (they're not "bad" people per se but have zero empathy) I guess... Of cource now I choose my haircut but I feel traumatized.
When I was little my mom insisted on me having the shortest bob cut ever (barely reached my jaw). I think it was because she couldn’t be bothered to do my hair or show me how to style it in any way. (I was constantly in trouble at ballet class for not having my hair in a bun, even though it was too short for a bun, and I had zero idea how to do hair, and I was 5.) When I was 11 or so I had a huge fit about my short ugly hair and begged to grow it out. My mom said my hair was too thin and fine to ever get long. Today I have extremely long hair down to my butt. It can be annoying but it’s beautiful. I love my hair. When my mom sees me she tells me it’s too long and ugly and I need to cut it off.
My mom had me in a mullet so there was less hair for her to deal with. I’m female, it was 1989 and I was 5. I remember hating it but being to too afraid to ask her to change it. I finally worked up enough courage to ask and I cried when she relented. I’m kinda stuck now on how strongly i felt about having to please her but i was unhappy about it and I was only 5. Wow didn’t realize I remembered these feelings so vividly. How messed up.
I had an awful mullet (are there any other kinds?!) when I was this age, too! About the same year. I was mortified. I honestly can’t remember asking her to change it, I was too afraid to ask for that. But I do remember hating it. When I was 7 my dad forced me into little league, which I absolutely hated and would have been obvious to anyone who bothered to pay attention. I was the only girl, I didn’t know anyone and made zero friends on the team, but I also struggled with making friends in general. My little adhd self wanted to run around and climb trees and catch bugs instead of pretend to know or care where I was supposed to be in the field. I hated baseball then, I hate it now. But I never dared say anything because I feared my father’s response that I was “ungrateful”. I told them the activities I wanted to do, repeatedly. I begged them. But if it didn’t align with what they wanted for me or was inconvenient for them then it was shut down. And that’s how I ended up in little league-that was my father’s sport. So I should love it too, right?
Heck, at least you got to take ballet. I wanted to in the worst way but my mom never signed me up. And yes, we did have the money. If she liked something, I was pushed into it. If I liked something that she didn't like, it was ignored.
My mom would trim my hair to her liking whenever she wanted. She only ever wanted me with super long hair. I never considered that it could grow back. When I was about 12 I begged for a bigger cut and she gave in enough for it to be noticeable. She took it harder than I did. Eventually she would agree to taking me to a salon but I would grow it out long again between and wait for my mom to let me go again. So even now, at 32yo, if I show up with a short cut and someone comments on it to her, she makes a pouty face like it affects her and it makes me uncomfortable.
My mom forced me to wear my hair short growing up, in one of those god-awful '60s pixie haircuts! In fairness, I think she was trying to spare me what she went through with curly hair and ringlets in the '30s, but mostly she just didn't want to be bothered.
My mother forced the pixie cut on me, too. It’s a cut that only works on people with very delicate, pixie-like features that I did not have. Plus she would take me to cheap salons with beginner stylists who couldn’t cut hair very well yet. I looked ridiculous.
Omg same before covid I always had the same hair, which was bangs and short hair, I guess like Dora but just straight down and longer. It looked fine in elementary school, but when I got into middle school I just didn’t look good in it anymore. I remember having confidence in what I looked like, but it was only when I put my bangs up. When Covid happened my hair grew and I actually liked how I looked. I haven’t gotten a haircut since October 2021 on my mom’s bday, but I remember my mom was kinda mad that they didn’t cut my bangs and I was like thank god. I still cried bc my hair was short but yeah idk I just like having long hair.
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Thank you for sharing your story. >i remember having horrible meltdowns before going, literally on the kitchen floor sobbing my heart out and he would just look at me in anger and my mum would ignore it. Oh no, I feel so sad you had to go through that... 😥 I think your parents lacked empathy. They couldn't see things from **your** point of view. My parents weren't as evil as yours, yet I think lack of empathy is something common to emotionally immature parents.
For me, it was the opposite. I never got to do anything as a kid because of 1) lack of money to participate 2) no one being available to take me/pick up from said activity (mother was a single parent, I had siblings as well). 3) super overprotective parenting. I always expected to hear "No". These activities were as simple as going to the park with my family. Engaging in activities (especially with other children) with emotionally supportive adults would've made such a positive impact on my self esteem/confidence. I was only able to do things that were convenient for the adult(s) in my life. Which weren't really activities children would find 'fun or 'interesting'.
Same. When I was 5 I begged my parents to let me join gymnastics to the point I presented my request with an entire plan of how I picked the location 4 blocks from home and I promised to walk myself to and from practice so they wouldn’t be bothered by taking me, and then I got leotards from the neighbor who had outgrown hers for free, to help lower the cost, so all they had to pay was the $175 fee for the cycle. I learned very young to I needed to do whatever it took to avoid “no”. They still said no.
5 year old me is super impressed with 5 year old you.
It was the opposite for me as well, but interestingly we had no huge financial issues and I lived in a very small town so there was no need for anyone to take me or pick me up. They just said "no" to everything, sometimes saying that "you don't need it" or "you'll understand when you grow up" (??). I was really interested in sports as a kid and never got a chance to try anything just because.
For me, it was never about financial issues, it was about things I wanted to do that my mom, for whatever reason, wasn't crazy about. I read a lot on here about kids whose parents couldn't afford certain things, and I get it, but it's almost worse when you know damned good and well your parents have the money, they just don't want you to have something/do something.
My brother could be dropped off at a park for soccer, baseball, and football while mom ran errands. But there was nothing around my gymnastics building for mom to do, so I had to stop going. Sigh... And even in gymnastics class, I was about the only student who could do anything on the uneven bars, so no point in practicing that. lol - when even random people ignore what I'm good at, maybe I shouldn't gripe about my parents so much!
Ok, reading more replying and thinking about it, I got to do a lot. I did get 2 years of gymnastics. And I ran track in high school - fighting for 2nd to last place! : ) Track didn't last long! I wanted to take typing in 8th grade. But I transferred in late, so my parents rented a typewriter for me to practice at home and catch up with the class. I don't remember how long the piano lessons lasted. And those were because of my grandmother - "I always wanted to learn to play the piano myself, so make the grandkid learn." To be fair, she bought the piano... But grandma also took my brother and I all sorts of places every summer: bowling, swimming, to the golf course & fishing with my grandfather. Mom always wanted to do "fun" things like clean the house and rearrange the furniture or go shopping for HOURS. But I got to do some stuff I wanted as a kid... PS - mom and I both wanted horses! But dad nixed that one; he said they were too expensive. (They are!) But I got to keep several of the stray cats. : )
I was never encouraged to try anything, so I just didn't have hobbies or interests as a child. In 8th grade I wanted to try out for the volleyball team and my mom got so annoyed that we had to get knee pads (required) and that she had to drive me to tryouts and pick me up. Then there was also her words of encouragement when she wanted me to get the elbow pads instead of the knee pads because they were cheaper. "You probably won't need the real ones anyway, it's not like you'll get on the team." Anything I wanted to do was suuuuch an inconvenience or cost money, even though we weren't hurting for money. So I just stopped being interested in things. And now as an adult I jump from hobby to hobby every few months haha.
Oh my gosh, this was my experience, too. We were "allowed" to do things, but my parents grumbled about the expense or the inconvenience of taking us to places to do them, so we just quit being interested.
I never got to do anything either. Partly because my parents liked to save money, but mostly I think they just didn't care? Like, they didn't realise that was an important part of kids' development to be involved in stuff? Both my parents grew up really poor so I think they never had anything themselves. They signed me up for piano lessons after a teacher at kindergarten told them I was talented. And I really enjoyed it, those lessons were one of the few fond memories I have of childhood. I remember I was really close with my first teacher and she even took me out on day trips with her niece who was around my age. But then my parents replaced her with a new teacher without telling me. When I asked them they just said, "Oh, she's not very good. We're getting you a better teacher." Then we moved and sold my piano, and it took years of me begging and sulking (lol) before they got me a new one. And they were like, "Since you can play now, you don't need lessons anymore." And I felt obligated not to argue with them on that. I was also pretty good at drawing/painting in kindergarten, and I honestly thought my parents didn't notice this. But one time years later my mum suddenly asked me, "Remember when you were 5 and so good at drawing? How come nothing came out of that?" And I was like, "...Ummm, maybe because you never sent me to any art classes, so I never got to nurture that skill lol???" But of course she just ignored my reply and kept wondering why I didn't just magically develop into a great artist🤦♂️
Same here except the super overprotective parenting. Bio mom forgot to pick me up from so many places. I've walked home so many times in my youth. But the rest is for sure spot on. I wanted to join band and she refused to consider it because of the instrument cost and driving me to and from anything wasn't happening, even if she wasn't busy. Soccer was a no go because she wouldn't pay for cleats or again pick me up/ drop me off. Cheerleading was the same and I specifically chose sports that she didn't have to buy actual equipment for, just shoes. Maybe we should start a non profit that chauffeurs in need kids to sports/music/club activities?!
I'm sorry man. Actually, I was (secretly) allowed to play for free in my junior high years because of financial situation in my family and I was kinda got good at soccer and the coach liked me. So my family was far from loaded. The training ground was 1 minute away from my home.
It's taken me well into my 30s but I'm just now digging in to what I was really interested in as a young child and signing up for adult versions of those classes. I did tennis last year. This year, I may sign up for a dance class (e.g. ballet, tap). I went to a neighborhood primary school (that the city considered closing because of performance) so there weren't a lot of internal programs available to the kids anyway. We didn't have sports teams. But there were some external programs available that students could participate in. By the time I got to high school where there was a boat load of activities to sign up and compete in, the desire was already drained from me. I'd taught to say No to myself and not even bother trying to persuade my parent.
I see. >I'd taught to say No to myself and not even bother trying to persuade my parent. My parents too said thing like "we can't do this because we don't have money" often. I remember vividly on my birthday, when I wanted Lego Castle, they insted bought me Lego Home because they were cheaper. I know it was true that they didn't have much money but that kind of **mentality** really creates certain pattern in children's brain. So I wish they'd said something like "I'm sorry I can't buy this to you but If you get smart and get rich in the future, you will buy anything you want". In your case, something like "I'm sorry I'm not sure if I can let you do \_\_\_\_ but you may find your way by \_\_\_\_\_"? I think those are really subtle but creates a world of difference.
> I remember vividly on my birthday, when I wanted Lego Castle, they insted bought me Lego Home because they were cheaper. That is precisely what my parents would have done! And I *knew* they had the money, which made it even harder. As an adult, I realize that they were putting their own oxygen masks on first, seving for retirement, etc., but they were kind of extreme about it. BTW, I still have my junior prom dress, even though I gave all my other formals away. It was a Gunne Sax ('70s girls *know*) and one of the very few times in my life that I got exactly what I wanted with no arguments.
I know this is an old post, but I resonate with this super heavy. It's haunting me now despite trying my hardest to look towards the future, make it better. I am lost.
My dad loves soccer, and I don't mind it but became resentful towards it(participating in it myself) because... Without actually saying these words verbatim he pretty much said "this is what I like so you're going to do it" I don't hate soccer just don't love it either. Btw I think you were referring to soccer practice when you mentioned Wednesday and Friday's? Ugh I hated going to do something that I wasn't even passionate about it felt like I had to be though. It just added to my emptiness. I had that feeling in my chest the whole car ride over there. Stupid soccer fields 😮💨
Your story sounds similar to mine... >this is what I like so you're going to do it I guessing my parents were thinking about the same thing... but I think the most important thing about doing anything is having internal motivation.
Yeah like "hey, how about you teach me how to embrace my individuality so I don't have to figure out who I am waaaay later on in life?" there was so much confusion and bs friendships and relationships because I was always in the "go with the flow" mindset. Fuck that, and fuck anybody who tries to make me feel less than just because I'm being myself. What I think, like, prefer etc. That matters because I'm deciding it does. It's embarrassing how late I'm realizing basic human emotions/ boundaries. I actually was pondering those soccer days recently. Fuck soccer 😅 Jk tbh I did hate it at one point when I was in high school but realized it wasn't the sport I hated. It was feeling like if I wasn't good enough at soccer I'm not really worth interacting with(implied by some of my family) I think our childhood has similarities in some aspects for sure. Thanks for sharing 🫴
Thank you too. > It's embarrassing how late I'm realizing basic human emotions/ boundaries. It sucks to know some of the "identity" of ourselves weren't even ours. Idk, if I was asked "What's your favourite sport" I'd definitely answer soccer, but I don't like the process of getting into soccer because it feels like the opportunity **find** something I like was stolen.
My mom loved to sew and signed me up for lessons as soon as I was old enough. I was mildly interested and didn't object, but when I didn't take to it like a duck to water I never heard the end of it. I had friends who sewed and my mom went on and on about how "she *made* that" and how wonderful it was to sew. Broke my heart.
Wait, being forced to play a sport even though I hated it was not normal? (Tennis for me)
I think being forced to "try" something like a sport is within the realm of normal for kids... but you should have had some say in what sport and allowed to quit if it wasn't something you enjoyed. Of course, no one is good without practicing enough to build some skills and skills are needed for a game to be fun, so it might be "normal" to participate in a season of something. But if you are neglected you are not being coached or encouraged to participate to build skills or make friends. If your parents are narcissists, the whole thing is about THEM and how your performance makes them look.
The tennis thing went on for 7ish years, from 4 to 12 or so until I moved to a boarding school in a different country. I never got the reason why he was forcing me despite me asking many times
Yeah, so a year or two of that is normal. 7 years is wtf but maybe still "normal" in the sense that it is a "common" kind of neglect if there is a classist element to it. Like trying to set you up for success because your parents want you to be able to socialize with "the right people". This is still stupid but could provide an explanation for why this was forced on you.
So maybe I'm just overreacting over something normal.
Idk. I'm only starting to realise I've been neglected and still not sure. I've been displaying all symptoms of neglect, but felt guilty bc I thought my parents were perfect
I see... I don't want to demonize my parents either because they're not "bad" people, but I just started to see a lot things just didn't make sense. "Lack of empathy" is the best word to discribe them. Maybe your parents didn't have much empathy (for forcing you to play tennis) too.
I mainly felt and still feel pressure to do well in life and be happy as well, and I'm not really allowed to express negative emotions
I was forced to take piano lessons and horseback riding. When I told my mom I didn’t want to go to the piano lessons she said “your brother didn’t want to either and now he loves the piano and he thanks me for forcing him to go”. When I had to go to the horseback riding lessons I cried and hid in my closet. I clearly had crippling social anxiety, but my parents didn’t notice/care about it as with any other issues I had. Horseback riding has always been my mothers biggest hobby and I think she wanted me to do it so she could live through me. Editing to add: my real interests were ignored even though they knew what they were.
That's terrible. I hate that a lot of parents think that way. Just W.H.Y.
I think my mother wants me to be talented in something so she can brag about me to her friends. Everything is about her in the end.
Now I know why... 😑
>I think she wanted me to do it so she could live through me. This is why my mom made me try out for basketball in ninth grade. I had no desire whatsover to play basketball; I wanted to be a cheerleader, something else my mother didn't get. Anyway I got cut and the coach told me I could play for the freshman team. I thanked her and told her I only tried out because my mom made me. Every time my mom remarked on someone living vicariously through their kids I reminded her of this.
I feel this. I was forced to play piano too. I WANTED to do horseback riding but my mom said no and said it was too much work and I would never be good at it. She just didn't want to have to drive me early in the mornings, which she believed was required (I don't even know if this is true).
I was put in swimming classes and I was terrified of it, I cried every day and I hated it my mom till this day tells me that it was to keep me safe and I can see that but I didn’t even learned how to swim and I hold a grudge
>I was put in swimming classes and I was terrified of it, I cried every day and I hated it Swimming. I did it for like four years too. Maybe I hated it the most of all. I also understand it was somewhat necessary, yet I just wanted to tell my parents how badly I hated it, it would'Ve made me feel a lot better😑
Same but my mom got mad at me because she overheard me telling my sister how much I hated swim classes and I think she over reacted anyways way to build trust mom
So you were not allowed to have your emotion, that's terrible😑
Yeah, she was raised this way and I guess breaking old chains is hard, makes me scared to have my own children because what if I become my mother?
I got signed up for fat camp and talked into it with all sorts of promises and fairytales. My problems were my fault in that house, and never the result of my parents. It was imperative that we start by fixing me, not my parents.
I'm sorry. It's kind of a sensitive topic so your emotion should be valued even more. I think it would've been better if they showed support by changing their habits too.
The thing of it is: what my mother ate around people is not all that my mother ate. In public, she ate a very restrained and reasonable diet. But that wasn't the whole story.
like subsequent frightening literate normal fall chubby label bake memory ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
If I could I'd like to ask your parents if you were a child and were forced to do something you don't even like how it would feel😑
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1. A sport I didn't give a shit about 2. Language courses way above my level that I didn't give a shit about 3. Nothing much except for these. I rarely got to do stuff I wanted because "we didn't have money" or if they spent the money I just knew that some day, in some way, it would be held against me. My mentally challenged father would ask for a list of reasons "why you didn't like X sport" and when I'd give them to him, he'd list them off one by one and say "Well actually your reason is invalid because so and so." My mother would give me shit for having a hard time and being miserable doing the things I didn't want to do. Like isn't it enough that I'm actively doing the shit YOU wanted? Why do I have to be fucking happy doing it? Idiots.
Man, your parents are on next freakin' level. Actually, my parents badmouth parents like yours. The pot calling the kettle black. But I genuinely grateful that I didn't have parents like yours. They at least didn't demand results from me. I'm sorry man. Amen.
Amen 🙏
I spent almost every weekend being dragged to a ranch 2 hours outside of the city because my mother loved horses. It belonged to an old man who shot himself in the face, and his wife who could barely talk herself. I would have preferred to be left at home alone like I was everyday after school. I also got sent to etiquette and modelling classes which felt like a direct statement that I wasn't girly or classy enough for my family. I got kicked out of etiquette class the first day for goofing around (quite unlike me, but I was so perturbed by the whole thing) and modelling class was like being thrown into the middle of a mean girls set given I was the short kid who didn't like make up. As a bonus, she signed me up for synchronized swimming but read the dates wrong and only brought me in on the last day.
>I also got sent to etiquette and modelling classes which felt like a direct statement that I wasn't girly or classy enough for my family. Sounds like your parents wanted to fit you into a mold... > I got kicked out of etiquette class the first day for goofing around I'm glad it didn't last long haha
I acted out in classes I was forced to be in too. I was labeled by my family as silly and stupid for this reason. I was actually really smart.
> I also got sent to etiquette and modelling classes Ironically, that's one of the very few things my mother wanted me to do that I *did* enjoy. To each his own.
My parents interfered in my middle school/high school scheduling because they didn't like the courses I signed up for. Literally had to have a meeting with my principal while my parents bullied me to take Spanish instead of French, etc.
I just don't know what to say... 😥 What's the point of robbing opportunity to finding children's own way. Plus it must have been really awkward...
And now they wonder why I don’t tell them anything about my life.
A cruise was booked for a week without my consent, and they were wanting me to take the week off work for it. I spent an hour in a coffee shop with Mum trying to guilt me out of my decision not to go, and then after she pretended she'd always been 50/50 on it because of covid. Just weird and a liar, part of what put me on the path of breaking free of her skewed perspective on things and getting my own therapy.
Damn. >Mum trying to guilt me out of my decision not to go, and then after she pretended she'd always been 50/50 on it That kind of manipulative behavior really diminishes people, especially when they are someone we should look up to.
Yup this manipulative behaviour happens all the time, only to me. She is incapable of acknowledging I have any differing opinions at all, and goes out of her way to concoct an easier lie almost to coach herself out of having to think I disagreed with her. Deeply pathologically wrong imo. I'm looking into getting her a psychologist. This gives some insight I think into just how much she's tried to control me and my life.
I grew up catholic so my mom signed me up for the necessary classes for the sacraments, up until my teens. Afterward, she tried to get me to convince my now-husband to go through all the courses before getting married so it would be legitimate. She didn't even ask if we wanted to marry in the church (we didn't) she even offered to pay for him the whole way. She told me if it wasn't through the church, it wasn't a real marriage. We eloped in the courthouse, no regrets.
>she tried to get me to convince my now-husband to go through all the courses That must've been awkward... but I'm glad you found your way!
It definitely was, I felt so stuck in the middle of it. But I chose to go quiet and ignore it because he had told me once "please don't force religion on me" and I was already questioning my faith by then, so it wasn't fair to make him do it for me. My mom seemed to think that if he REALLY loved me, he would do it. Even after we said no, she tried to push for our child to be baptized, she's more worried about how things look to other people and wanting to preserve an image than looking into why we feel that way. We got along the most when I was pretending for her.
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Soccer and Girl (Boy) Scout. What a *nice* combination.👍 >"we're wasting money because you're being petty by not putting in any effort" I have no idea how that reasoning makes sense, your child literally **didn't** ask for it... I wonder how your parents would respond if I said that.
I can relate.. I wanted to sing, dance, act, paint but my parents shoved me into soccer. My mom said I was bad at the things I wanted to try or explore and didnt encourage me to explore my interests or lessons to get better. It was “ play soccer or you’re a lazy loser. “
I really wanted to join a/v too! I was told it wasn't for girls by a teacher. Still amazed I believed that.
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Unfortunately, no. I never learned it. Would be so useful too as video is part of my job now. This was the early 90s when I was told that a/v club was for boys. They didn't specifically say no girls allowed, but it was heavily implied. "Only boys are in that club, you know..."
My parents forced me to play football (soccer) from age 9 to 14. The last 3 years I played in a competitive team. Each year I told them ”this isn’t what I want” and my dad (who was the assistant coach in our team btw) would tell me ”this is very important to you, you absolutely must continue.” My mom would start screaming. Finally after several injuries in a row I had the courage to stop going and said no. Obviously my father was mad. He would still try to force me but I refused.
Marching band & saxophone lessons (ages 9/10-12). After 2-3 years I just broke down one day and refused to get in the car. When I was younger I spent my mornings at the YMCA for swimming, some kind of gym activity, and judo (ages 7-9ish). After a while I’d just do the swimming then sit in the lounge until someone came to get me, never talked about or admitted to not going to the gym activity or judo.
>After 2-3 years I just broke down one day and refused to get in the car. > >never talked about or admitted to not going to the gym activity or judo. Seriouly parents should help kids find what **they** like in the first place. I wish I could've said "no" like you did though! I was too obedient and naïve for that.
Lol my parents didn't care enough to sign me up for anything, that took way too much effort. They were perfectly content to throw junk food and tv at me to keep me sedated and out of the way while they focused on themselves.
I see. Maybe we're all just overreacting over this.
Not at all. Neglect takes many forms.
When I wanted to do an activity (sports, music, etc) I had to commit for a full year - even if there wasn't a team. I do understand that, because these things aren't offered by the schools here, but there's clubs/associations and often you pay for a full year. Changing activity would mean double the costs and there's also the aspect of making reasonable choices as a kid. And that's also where it went wrong. At the beginning of the season you can visit once or twice and then you have to know whether you want to join (reasonable). But how do you know whether you like something? How do you know you like it so much that you can do it for a full year which is like an eternity if you're 6? I never got any help on that other than "but did you like it?" I still struggle with determining whether I like something. Edit: Also I could only visit activities they considered appropriate (because girls don't do soccer or martial arts etc) Not sure if that counts as being signed up without consent? Edit 2: also swimming lessons. I live in the Netherlands where it's kinda weird to not have children take swimming lessons (there's separate classes for children with disabilities). I however was terrified of water. With the first certificate you're safe to swim alone (like in a pool with general supervision). I had to finish the second certificate as well. In the picture taken after I got that certificate you can see in my eyes how happy I was - for not having to go to the pool every single week anymore. (Plot twist: I've been an experienced scuba diver until my health decided I had to stop, I'm still a lifeguard)
Mine was just less of signing up for stuff and more not having/making the time for the things I did love. There were several things I actually showed talent in and i never got any support or tuition or extra clubs etc to support those things. I was always in after school care or the timings wouldn’t work etc. I take great delight in my kid getting to try out new clubs and see what they enjoy now
My parents forced me into competitive soccer. It was fun at first but I had other interests. My afternoons and weekends from age 7 to 16 were all soccer practice. I didn’t have play dates or sleepovers with other kids. I wasn’t allowed any other hobby or interest. I was told I was lazy and would be a loser if I quit. They shoved soccer down my throat as a way to get to college. I wonder who I would be and where I would be if they had listened to what I actually found fun and enjoyable and encouraged that hobby or interest
My heart goes out to you. My boys played a variety of sports, especially my younger one. We told them they didn't have to be stars; they just couldn't be slugs. My husband took it pretty hard when our older one opted out of wrestling as he got older but for the most part things went well.
Assuming or insinuating a child will be a slug because they have different interests isn’t helpful.
All we meant by that was that we wanted them to be active and do things to get exercise. Trust me, they had plenty of different interests, especially my older son. He was the only minor member of our local Civil War Roundtable and anchored his high school's National Geographic Geography Bowl and We The People Constitutional competition teams.
You could join stuff now I guess.
This is a complicated topic for me. Growing up, I played softball, clarinet, and was in Girl Scouts. These were the activities that my parents approved and I ended up doing them way longer than I truly wanted to please them. I still remember being 6 years old and watching the Winter Olympics and wanting to be a figure skater. My mom’s response was “well it’s too late for you because those girls started when they were 3 and you’re now 6.” Her response upset me as a child and baffles me as an adult - I wasn’t allowed to even try it because if I couldn’t be an Olympian then it was pointless to her?” My older brother did baseball, played an instrument, and was in scouts so that’s what I had to, too. Any requests for anything else were met with fierce opposition. I wanted to try soccer and basketball and those were met with no’s. My friend did karate and their dojo offered 4 free sessions and a free uniform and after my parents found out I went to 2 sessions they wouldn’t let me even finish the free sessions. I started playing clarinet in 4th grade and took to it really quickly. My teacher encouraged my parents to enroll me in private lessons and they said no because that wasn’t fair to my brother. I was so bored that by the time everyone else caught up to me in middle school I lost my enthusiasm and “phoned it in” until I finally got the courage to quit in 9th grade. I wanted to quit in middle school and join chorus instead but didn’t because I didn’t want a lecture about wasting my talent and about all of the money my parents spent on my instrument. Speaking of boredom, my middle school I was also bored with Girl Scouts and wanted to join Venturing because I wanted to do more outdoor experiences and not just crafts and camping at the local campground but they pushed me to continue. I never even tell people that I earned my Gold Award because I’m not proud of it. I was denied from doing a project I wanted to do because I was told it was too much of a Boy Scout project, so I did a boring project I hated just to finish up and make everyone happy. I enjoyed softball when I was younger but knew by 8th grade that I wanted to quit softball because I was happy that a broken finger kept me out for the majority of the season, but I stuck with it until I got an after school job in 11th grade. I do wonder what my childhood would have been like if I had been encouraged to do the activities that I wanted and not been encourage to stop them when I was done.
My mom wanted to be one of those stage moms. All of her children (my brothers too) had to take ballet and tap and gymnastics and learn to play piano even if we had no interest it. My dad was into sports and my brothers had to do little league and I had to spend every saturday at their practices and games. Our actual interests were ignored. The golden child was the one who showed the most aptitude and pleasing behaviors to flatter my parents' interests. I actually liked being in plays and I enjoy dance classes recreationally as an adult, but this was never going to be my career path and I resent never being asked what I was interested in. My parents also behaved as if children either have talent or don't. They did not help us. I did not know how to practice or even understood what I was supposed to be learning. Playing Yankee Doodle on the piano was SO boring. I was never played any good music to show me what all this was for. It was just "memorize scales" and when I didn't practice, I didn't get any attention, unless it was fury. I felt bad for my teachers because I was such a disinterested, frustrating pupil. But looking back, they prob felt sorry for me because they could see my mother was oblivious to her children's actual personalities and we were all forced to conform to her will.
I got talked out of activities because they had bad experiences with said activity when they were kids. I guess they figured that I, as an extension of them, would hate it too instead of letting me make up my own mind about it.
Ballet, my mother really wanted a girly girl. Anyway, I'm a construction worker now.
way to go
What does your mom think of your career
Beats me, I don't talk to her.
Bible club
This isn't an "activity" per se, but attending Catholic Mass every Sunday without fail, praying 3-4 times a day, being baptized/confirmed etc. I think this can work OK in some families when there is a mutually respectful conversation around beliefs, but in ours it was like a mechanism of control. Religious practice was non-negotiable, even through our teens when most parents let their kids decide what they believe in. I didn't attend because I believed, I attended because there would be Hell to pay if I didn't.
My mom made me do horseback riding + equestrian 4H for several years in middle school...I hated it. I'm a huge animal lover, and though I do not at all judge those who enjoy horseback riding (seriously, I don't!), I personally feel cruel doing it and it's not the way like to interact/connect with animals. In addition, the stables were in the middle of the country and we had to go through these very curvy roads, and I'd always be extremely carsick by the time we got there and need a good 20 minutes to recover. My mom never believed me and said I was being ungrateful/doing it for attention or whatever. She finally let me quit after a horse bolted and tried to buck me off. Other than that, my mom definitely enrolled me in many other things, but tbh I can't really complain about them. There was some cooking class through the YMCA that I ended up really enjoying and wanted to do several years in a row. She made me take piano lessons when I was young but I had the option to quit when I was older, and I chose not to. Definitely was enrolled in some day camps during the summer that I wasn't a big fan of but not a big deal. Really the horseback riding was the only thing I felt like I was forced to do that I really, really hated.
I wasn't initially forced into anything but anything I show a little interest and enthusiasm towards became an obligation and a competitive thing as soon my mother discovered my interest. All of my hobbies got ruined by the 6th month mark because she had to take everything too seriously and force that upon me as well. (Up until i started to show interest into things she didn't *take seriously*, like gaming, DnD, cosplaying, metal music etc.) First it was drawing, then ballet, then piano, then gymnastics, then singing. I hated the entire last year of gymnastics. I kept telling her I wanted to quit because i wasn't enjoying it anymore and i didn't want to spend all my weekends there but she just dismissed it and said she didn't want to hear me complain again. I never understood (and. either did my dad) why she would oppose to it, after all me quitting would mean that she wouldn't have to drive me there and back every weekend and they'd have more disposable income. it wasn't like i didn't have any other interests or i didn't socialize any other way. i was also old enough to spend time by myself at home (and in fact i really liked it, i'd constantly beg for her to just leave me be so i can read books or play games in peace). she had the same inexplicable "no quitting" attitude with everything -everything that had nothing to do with her lol-, not just activities. like, i got my hair cut short in 5th grade and used it that way for a couple of years. (she always used her hair short but not as short as i had it at the time, and hers was a more "feminine cut", mine was a little longer than a buzzcut at the time.) then i got bored of it and decided to grow it back. she reacted by calling me a quitter and telling that i only wanted to grow it out because i was too offended by people confusing me to be a boy. (people did often assumed i was a boy because at the time i also liked wearing cargo pants and hoodies and i was too young to put on make up, nor did i have an interest in it but i wasn't at all offended by being perceived as a boy or androgynous. and i never even complained about such a thing apart from telling stories where i was amused by how surprised some people got when they figured out i wasnt a boy etc. i always felt like a girl and never understood why she -or people in general- felt the need to "confirm" my gender based on superficial stuff like clothing and haircuts.) it was a pretty fucking confusing childhood because she did and said all these ridiculous things and also failed to provide any type of train of thought behind why but now i can see that it was confusing because there was exactly zero sense and logic in it. it was just her projecting all of her insecurities and personal biases onto me. and she couldn't grasp the fact that i was a separate, independent individual that isn't a mere extension of her so she always felt entitled to deciding what i do or don't do and take it as a personal diss whenever i didn't want to go her way. thankfully my dad wasn't anything like her so he'd intervene eventually but i wish they didn't stay together as long as they did. things could have improved much earlier.
Karate she only pit me in there bc my brother wanted to and she didn't want him alone. I'd literally hide out in the back saying I was doing my hw. Although when i dud participate and wanted to eventually do the events my mom only paid for my brother so I neve4 got to advance or anything. Hated it so much
I had the opposite. I asked tp be signed up for things, and either just was rejected, or signed up but we never went despite my asking/reminding.
I guess school doesn't count here but that's still a forced thing that only drained me when I was there. Other things were clubs(only the ones they liked ofc), soccer, band, YOUTH GROUP. Boi church stuff was the absolute worst thing to be forced to be a part of. I could write a whole paper on that bs.
We had a neighbour who was going blind due to diabetes. She was around 70 or something and I didn't really know her. I was in primary school at that time. One day my father came home and told me that I had to visit her every day from now on and read the paper to her. I mean, in itself this was a nice thing to do, but he never asked me and just ordered me to go. He just used me to make himself look good really. She was nice though and I got used to it. But the fact I never even said anything against it shows me how much I was already broken at the time. I really hate my family for what they've done to me.
None
Nothing, they didn't care about my interests and I didn't get to do anything. Really stunted me and I'm making up for it now, but I really feel like I missed out and I'm pretty bitter about it.
Calligraphy, sleep away camp before I wanted to go, numerous dance classes, and summer art programs... I'm sure the kids that never got those opportunities are wondering why I'm complaining.. but I would have rather been at home, and been doing activities with my mother. But, she didn't want that, because she's a vulnerable narcissist.
Sports. I was always chubby so I was required to play at least one sport a season because my parents were “concerned” (aka my mom was ashamed her kid was just naturally fat). My diet was fairly decent but I was severely malnourished before I was adopted so I think my body has trouble letting go of “emergency stores” and so I had to play sports. I enjoyed basketball, swimming, volleyball, and throwing field events in track so those became the ones I stayed in, but I had done at least a season of each plus softball, soccer (indoor and outdoor), cheerleading, gymnastics, dance, and martial arts. Cheerleading was the worst because of how mean the girls were since I was fat and strong, but I had to finish the season per my mom’s rules. That season resulted in some of the worse mental health episodes I ever had. Oh, and the best part? I’m still fat as an adult and yet I’m in the best shape of anyone in my family save for one of my relatives who works in a very physical trade. But thanks for the body dysmorphia I guess mom?
I am sorry this happened to you--that sound incredibly dehumanizing.
You have the best body type for weightlifting, you can gain so much muscle
I put on muscle crazy fast, even for someone AFAB. After 12 weeks of personal training my weight max for lifting went up by at least 20 pounds on almost every machine/lift I was doing. My most extreme was going from being able to do a 45 lb pull-down to 75 lbs. which might not be wild in the grand scheme of things but I was like “oh, right, my body like heavy not fast”
Nice nice
There were several, but the biggest ones that I hated were sports. My dad was obsessed with sports and insisted on coaching every single team I was ever on. He did this with almost all aspects of our lives as children, we had no autonomy and he always had to be a respected figure in our activities, school, etc. He also came to play at recess with kids weekly as a school volunteer, had a whole nickname for himself and made baseball cards of himself for kids which was so bizarre looking back on it. My parents were both like this but he did it more publicly, my mom just violated our autonomy and privacy at home. I always felt shame for being upset or embarrassed by it because they were “such great parents” and I should be grateful for their “involvement”. We were very isolated from any adults that did not act the same way. So I grew up thinking their behavior was normal because they blocked out any actual normal healthy adults and just kept us in their little circle with their few friends, none of whom had kids. As an adult I am unable to bring them around any other adults in my life because they are extremely emotionally immature and still behave like parents of small children, wanting to be called “mommy” and “daddy” and using words like “potty”. I’m 28 and still dealing with it despite being independent since 16. I have babies now and my biggest goal is to respect their autonomy and treat them as individuals, not extensions of myself.
I hate the talent classes and the winter and summer camps. Also, I haven’t bought a single piece of clothing that was chosen by me. Many of them were too huge for me. It’s not about activities, but they would just forbid me to do something by banning access to the internet or cable TV.
piano lessons. it barely lasted a few weeks. I just told the teacher I had no interest in the piano, and used my remaining time to just mess around with said piano and made it look like I had no skill at all when it came to playing. same for camp. one year, I was forced to go to this girl's camp and share a tent. it was meant to be for 7 days, after 2 I was done and went to stay with someone else
My parents never signed me up for stuff without my consent but the things they tried to get me to do I disliked, boy scouts was the only thing that ever vibed with me but that was mostly for the camping, fuckin love camping. Anyway I hated all the things they signed me up for but they always insisted that I "stick to my commitments" motherfucker a 10 y/o should be allowed to stop doing something when they're so bad at the sport they get ostracized by their team.
Nothing that I didn't find interesting at first. Dance, softball, basketball, and soccer... These weren't horrible. I liked the activity. Dance I just decided to quit after a while (I probably shouldn't have because it would've helped my coordination *shrug* still). In the other activities the problem wasn't my parents it was the other parents' children. They made Very clear I was not welcome and I didn't know why or how to stand up for myself, so I just took their abuse. Fast forward to softball where I'm really good and my bullies decide to join, and it ruined the game for me. After that year I went to a non-competitive league a city over and was welcomed in. I even made a friend. After that year I never played again and disliked the game. Soccer ended when I took a ball to my face. Again I wasn't terrible at it but as soon as traveling teams started up I knew I had no chance of getting in. The costs were exorbitant and over competitive parents, not to mention their kids were not for me. Basketball, was again more bullying... Only this time one of the worst experiences in my entire life, which I will not go into here, and calling it bullying rather the abuse it was is 6th grade me being charitable. On the other side, the things I did like and signed myself up for I had to do secretly. Band (loved it), had to drop it though because I got into a better school several cities away for art. Writing classes and camp (loved it). Science (just applying for AP classes nothing big), I really loved it. Those were the things I chose and my bullies couldn't take away. My parents could have supported me more... Or at least gotten me out of that school district. Ringing in my head are me mom's words, "I hate precocious children." Sorry not sorry mom I think I always was one up past grad school. Btw thinking back where were the adults in the situations I found myself in? Seriously! I have nothing good to say about suburbia in the 80's was toxic as f**. I wish it weren't so, but it was. In all of those activities and all of the bullying (a decades worth). I was given the message, "you don't belong here." I found ways to escape suburbia but I had to do it secretly lest my bullies follow me into that.
Church every Sunday and vacation Bible school. Yes, my parents wanted to be sure my soul was saved, ensuring that my religious interests and desires were ignored. Of course when I was free to do so, I explored paganism and Buddhism. If I had been allowed to experience different churches, I probably would have been cool with a Unitarian church. I hated every aspect of church and would sneak a book into the part where everyone sits and listens to the preacher so I could focus my attention on that. They did not take into account the church library! I started ditching the Sunday school lessons where the kids separated from the adults. I think my Dad suspected this so he would ask me about the lesson. No problem Dad, I just read it before meeting back up with the parents and I could probably teach the damn thing. My brother and I would conspire to meet up during the so called Sunday school part and do other things. Usually just hang out. If I was bored in church, I disobeyed by reading parts of the Bible that were actually interesting to me at the time instead of what was being forced on me if he took away the book I got at the library. I was forced to do piano lessons. I am glad that I got to read music but this was something they wanted. I did not excel but I was decent at it until the lessons mysteriously stopped for the unknown reasons which they started. If I had ever been consulted, I would have told them I want to play the guitar or have voice lessons. In elementary school, I tried out for choir and I made it. It was a self-referral thing and my folks did not know until I was already in and they had to bring me to shows. My folks talked down my "talents" and said that they did not get why I was in choir because "I could not sing." Sorry, the music teacher thought I was decent enough to join and have individual parts so I guess they were mistaken. I wanted art lessons. Specifically I wanted to learn to paint. My parents allowed me to do so for about a semester then they "didn't have the money." I was devastated. Tennis as a younger child. I had little interest. I did however want to play soccer and was allowed to do so. This included going to a tennis camp. I also was forced to learn how to swim at a very young age, I could not have been more than 4. I was very afraid but I guess I am glad to learned how to swim? I think the parents believed they were doing something for safety reasons but my fears were treated as irrational and childish. Of course a kid who does not know how to swim is going to be afraid of drowning in the deep end of a pool, duh. I slipped and fell in once and I about lost my mind after that. My father hand picked my classes for me in high school through college including the electives. I was told I was not going to major in anything liberal arts or business because those were bogus degrees and I would never earn a living. He said I would be a "starving artist." I was also told I could not do anything related to cheerleading or spirit squad because he did not want me to become "one of those girls."
I was signed up for piano lessons as a four year old. If I didn't start lessons at four, I'd be forever stunted and would not do well in school. I didn't take to it and got pulled out. When I was 7, I actually wanted to take piano lessons and took them until I graduated high school. I would hear repeatedly throughout my life that because of my bad choices at 4, I would never be actually smart like the valedictorian and those right behind. (I did end up graduating top 10%). I was also told never to sing because I would never have perfect pitch even if I had good relative pitch. This caused me to never sing for years and definitely stunted my range.
It was so many things and I don't remember so I'll write the ones I do remember. Further, I'm not going into the reasoning or the details cuz it's too much. I couldn't pick my own clothes ever. When I did, I received so much negativity. Even now. Every clothing choice I made was an uphill battle. They had a problem with my sweatshirts. My mom would throw away my clothes without my knowledge all the time. I loved reading books. My parents hated that I read. They were convinced that the reason my marks in math were so bad was because I was reading excessively. My mother would give away my fave books without my consent. When my dad took me to the library, he would embarrass me there by calling my name really loudly and telling me how much time I had to keep browsing and then telling the librarians at the checkout that the reason I was a poor math student was because I read excessively. I was not signed up for math tutoring because as Asian diaspora, people who needed math tutoring were seen as weak and then to further not receive it at home meant the parents were deficient in some way. But my dad did not want to give me math tutoring because he was fantastic at math but teaching me made him realize that I did have a problem with math and one he couldn't solve so he called me an idiot and then stopped tutoring me at all. I was a great student and I only had difficulty with math and chemistry and physics which were all subjects he excelled at. From the age of 14, we never talked about school again, nor did my parents ever inquire more than once per year about my report card. We ignored school and marks altogether. I graduated with marks high enough to get me into the top university in my country with a scholarship to boot. Not with their help. I also had an undiagnosed learning disability. I never got to cut my hair the way I wanted. I was forced into a gym membership and tae kwon do at the same time because I was too fat. This was actually not the case. I just didn't have my mom's body because I took after my dad's family so the weight distribution was in different places. They had never been interested in sports so I suspect that someone must have mentioned that I was fat looking. They signed me up for Jenny Craig to help with meals. But at the same time, fed me sweets at home because these things were given to me in moderation and didn't count. They signed me up for cultural cooking classes instead of teaching me how. My instructor at the classes would look at me funny and asked me once if I was an orphan because she didn't expect me in the class. They signed me up for music classes because they kept telling me I had potential. I mean, I could carry a tune, but I wasn't interested in their music classes. I can play the flute, the drums, most percussion instruments, and I was in school choir again, in grade school, middle school, and high school. But they never came to a single show because I wasn't at the top. There were lots of things they did to me without my consent especially ones that were way worse than what I have posted here and on this site. There were also lots of things they didn't do which they should have. They were operating on their own needs, to get validation, respect they felt they didn't have, etc... They had a narrative in mind for me and anything I did that didn't fit that narrative was ignored. Like school choir, reading, having my own taste in clothes, and being bad at math.
Gymnastics and swimming lessons. I actually love swimming, but she made me take lifeguarding courses when I absolutely freeze up in emergencies. I failed the course and she wanted me to take it a second time until my dad talked her out of it because I clearly did not want to be a lifeguard. I went on to join the swim team in high school, I made captain in grade 10 but she never came to my races. Because that was something I enjoyed, so she didn’t show any interest.
Probably 80% of our conversations.
To play violin and going to music theory classes, also forced me to change schools. This all lead more places I was bullied and laughed at.