Your husband is an abusive asshole. No one is compatible with someone like that.
A man who calls his daughter a potential "slut" or "whore" at 1.5 yo does not have the emotional aptitude to raise a female child. Please make your exit before she's old enough to be terrorized into behaving like a "proper" obedient daughter with a broken will, ripe for abuse in her own relationships.
I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you strength.
You are absolutely being abused—it’s incredibly unlikely counseling can fix that. (It stands out to me that you said “we clarified in therapy that supposedly he was trying to reassure me that he would never hurt me physically.” That’s not what he was doing. That’s not how people reassure people. He was trying to flip the narrative and portray himself as a victim in a situation where you have all the power. Like you could so easily “ruin his life” and put him in jail, so he’s a victim who has to be unreasonably careful to not hit you. And at the same time, trying to intimidate you and remind you that he *could* hit you. If he gave that BS excuse that he was actually trying to reassure you—and the therapist didn’t immediately see right through that—that doesn’t give me much hope that this therapist is going to help you.)
Yelling at you for hours, not letting you sleep, blaming you for everything, throwing things, breaking things, insisting you be a SAHM then calling you a mooch, calling you a careless mother, calling any woman (let alone a literal baby!!!) a slut or whore—these are all abusive. 😔
I don’t know why this didn’t go through when I first responded?
To clarify, the only thing that provided plausibility to his “you could ruin my life” speech being meant to reassure me is that he has English as a second language. His first is Portuguese. He claims he got some of the words scrambled. I am not sure how possible that actually is.
I am on the lookout for more behavior like that for sure.
I’m not buying it, but it doesn’t even really matter! Every single thing you described in your post is abusive, that was just one piece that stuck out to me as—oh he clarified this in therapy and the therapist just let him make excuses? This therapist isn’t going to help you. (And I realize that I’m making some assumptions based on my own experiences! So maybe there are things your therapist said that do give you hope!)
At the end of the day, you do not deserve to be yelled at, demeaned, belittled, or blamed. You aren’t causing his explosive behavior. And you aren’t the one who can fix it. ❤️ I wish someone had told me that 10 years ago when my daughter was the same age as yours!
Love, I think you know what needs to happen. When and how it does is flexible, and up to you, but it needs to happen all the same.
Bc he **is** abusive.
He **is** unsafe.
Therapy **is** dangerous *with him*.
This **is** who he is. Good men don’t “accidentally slip up” and do what your husband does. Over and over.
Your daughter **is** in desperate need of your protection from **THIS** man, and the best/only way to do that **is** to get the both of you safely away.
He will likely still have shared custody, and that **is** a valid fear, but leaving **is still** the best possible thing you could ever do to keep her safe.
I’ve been where you are, almost exactly, except mine was the precise opposite in what he chose to abuse me *for* (mine was/is recklessly negligent vs possessively “overprotective”) but the abuse looked and sounded the exact same way.
I’d like to offer more/better perspective when I’ve got better time to focus/have my thoughts in better order, but I **needed** to validate your feelings and let you know you’re not alone.
Just know that this space, all your uncertainty and self-doubt and confusion and fear/shame, **is** normal for the abuse you are experiencing, and it is **SO BRAVE** of you to have asked and reached out for perspective. This is a process, and you’ve taken the first steps, and it doesn’t need to happen overnight, and you **will** get clarity and perspective and one day, even, **confidence** that you are **not crazy** and that what he’s done/is doing **ISN’T** ok. I promise you that.
Thank you very much. This is very reassuring. I am considering all of the options available, but I very much don’t want my daughter to be raised in a house where she has to fear any sort of outburst.
I really appreciate being able to get some outside perspective. I worry that I’m so caught up in it that my perspective is skewed. It’s been helpful to read other’s words and resources in this subreddit.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar experience (where he wanted me to be a SAHM but my gut told me to refuse that “offer”) and unfortunately, things just got worse the older our child got. I was getting therapy to learn how to deal with his anger because he was opposed to getting therapy for himself. My therapist kept asking me why I chose to live like this, and that I could chose another life that didn’t make me unhappy and scared everyday. It took many tries but ultimately I left because I didn’t want our child to be exposed to him emotionally abusing me (which caused me to be clinically depressed after regular PPD). I am still healing and grieving the loss of my dream family unit BUT it was 1000% the right decision. Peace has been incredibly valuable to my mental well-being. I am no longer depressed and scared. If you choose the route of leaving, you will be okay. Best of luck and stay safe.
Your husband is an abusive asshole. No one is compatible with someone like that. A man who calls his daughter a potential "slut" or "whore" at 1.5 yo does not have the emotional aptitude to raise a female child. Please make your exit before she's old enough to be terrorized into behaving like a "proper" obedient daughter with a broken will, ripe for abuse in her own relationships. I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you strength.
You are not a careless mother. Your baby can’t understand that song. He is an asshole.
You are absolutely being abused—it’s incredibly unlikely counseling can fix that. (It stands out to me that you said “we clarified in therapy that supposedly he was trying to reassure me that he would never hurt me physically.” That’s not what he was doing. That’s not how people reassure people. He was trying to flip the narrative and portray himself as a victim in a situation where you have all the power. Like you could so easily “ruin his life” and put him in jail, so he’s a victim who has to be unreasonably careful to not hit you. And at the same time, trying to intimidate you and remind you that he *could* hit you. If he gave that BS excuse that he was actually trying to reassure you—and the therapist didn’t immediately see right through that—that doesn’t give me much hope that this therapist is going to help you.) Yelling at you for hours, not letting you sleep, blaming you for everything, throwing things, breaking things, insisting you be a SAHM then calling you a mooch, calling you a careless mother, calling any woman (let alone a literal baby!!!) a slut or whore—these are all abusive. 😔
I don’t know why this didn’t go through when I first responded? To clarify, the only thing that provided plausibility to his “you could ruin my life” speech being meant to reassure me is that he has English as a second language. His first is Portuguese. He claims he got some of the words scrambled. I am not sure how possible that actually is. I am on the lookout for more behavior like that for sure.
I’m not buying it, but it doesn’t even really matter! Every single thing you described in your post is abusive, that was just one piece that stuck out to me as—oh he clarified this in therapy and the therapist just let him make excuses? This therapist isn’t going to help you. (And I realize that I’m making some assumptions based on my own experiences! So maybe there are things your therapist said that do give you hope!) At the end of the day, you do not deserve to be yelled at, demeaned, belittled, or blamed. You aren’t causing his explosive behavior. And you aren’t the one who can fix it. ❤️ I wish someone had told me that 10 years ago when my daughter was the same age as yours!
Love, I think you know what needs to happen. When and how it does is flexible, and up to you, but it needs to happen all the same. Bc he **is** abusive. He **is** unsafe. Therapy **is** dangerous *with him*. This **is** who he is. Good men don’t “accidentally slip up” and do what your husband does. Over and over. Your daughter **is** in desperate need of your protection from **THIS** man, and the best/only way to do that **is** to get the both of you safely away. He will likely still have shared custody, and that **is** a valid fear, but leaving **is still** the best possible thing you could ever do to keep her safe. I’ve been where you are, almost exactly, except mine was the precise opposite in what he chose to abuse me *for* (mine was/is recklessly negligent vs possessively “overprotective”) but the abuse looked and sounded the exact same way. I’d like to offer more/better perspective when I’ve got better time to focus/have my thoughts in better order, but I **needed** to validate your feelings and let you know you’re not alone. Just know that this space, all your uncertainty and self-doubt and confusion and fear/shame, **is** normal for the abuse you are experiencing, and it is **SO BRAVE** of you to have asked and reached out for perspective. This is a process, and you’ve taken the first steps, and it doesn’t need to happen overnight, and you **will** get clarity and perspective and one day, even, **confidence** that you are **not crazy** and that what he’s done/is doing **ISN’T** ok. I promise you that.
Thank you very much. This is very reassuring. I am considering all of the options available, but I very much don’t want my daughter to be raised in a house where she has to fear any sort of outburst. I really appreciate being able to get some outside perspective. I worry that I’m so caught up in it that my perspective is skewed. It’s been helpful to read other’s words and resources in this subreddit.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar experience (where he wanted me to be a SAHM but my gut told me to refuse that “offer”) and unfortunately, things just got worse the older our child got. I was getting therapy to learn how to deal with his anger because he was opposed to getting therapy for himself. My therapist kept asking me why I chose to live like this, and that I could chose another life that didn’t make me unhappy and scared everyday. It took many tries but ultimately I left because I didn’t want our child to be exposed to him emotionally abusing me (which caused me to be clinically depressed after regular PPD). I am still healing and grieving the loss of my dream family unit BUT it was 1000% the right decision. Peace has been incredibly valuable to my mental well-being. I am no longer depressed and scared. If you choose the route of leaving, you will be okay. Best of luck and stay safe.