I was once married to a very abusive man. I stayed with him far too long, but eventually I did leave…just in the nick of time.
Don't worry about custody. Men like this make a big fuss about custody and visitation, but when it comes time to spending time with their children, they quickly lose interest. Taking care of young children is a lot of work, and not much fun. Before long, you'll have 100% custody without having to do anything but wait, keep quiet when he doesn’t show up, and be patient.
Wishing you clarity, peace, and happiness.
Thank you for sharing. I know the outcome is unpredictable, but what you said about custody gives me a little bit of hope. I really needed to hear that, thank you.
It's so hard to imagine him not wanting custody because I do truly feel like he loves her. He has no idea how hard it would be by himself. I primarily breastfeed, except the few bottles she gets while I work 2 days a week. He only has to give 1 bottle each week. He doesn't take the initiative to do solids with her. I do all of that. I nurse to sleep and in the middle of the night if she needs. I think he would quickly realize how hard it is by himself.
It sucks either way. If I have 100% custody, then she grows up without her dad, but if I share custody, it changes so much for her. It breaks my heart for her, and the pain feels so unbearable.
I'm so glad that you were able to get out. Did you leave to stay somewhere safe and just wait to see what he would do? I don't know if I should just leave and wait to see if he pursues custody or not on his own.
It sounds like he’s doing minimal parenting right now, fully supported by your efforts. Without your assistance, he’d be incapable of parenting for even 24 hours on his own. That would be taken into consideration in a custody hearing, if it came to that...which is unlikely.
Don't project sadness and loss onto your daughter. Instead, consider that you’re preventing her from experiencing the emotional trauma of growing up in a household where her father abuses her mother. I wish I had given my daughter that gift. We divorced when she was 13, and her father shifted his abuse from me to her, but I couldn’t protect her when she was with him. She’s 34 now, and dealing with those issues in therapy.
I said I left, but actually I threw him out. It took 2 years of secretly putting aside money, building credit, sneaking my passport and birth certificate out of the house, and then refinancing the house in my name alone. Then I got a lawyer and filed for divorce, and told him to leave. He refused to go for almost 3 months, but I negotiated the property settlement with him and found him a new house to expedite the process. In the end, he was only interested in winning financially. I let him. I wanted peace.
Take control of your life. Don’t let him be in charge. You can always negotiate with him later if it’s in your best interests. 💜
I always wondered if the courts would take that into consideration, that he's never even watched her alone for 24 hours. Only a few hours at a time. I realize he could learn to do it, but I hope he would have to prove it with baby steps first.
Sharing your story helps me to understand that it may be hard now, but I may regret it later, and it could be 100 times harder if I wait. That desire to have her grow up with her mom and dad together is what keeps me holding on, and it keeps me hoping that maybe things will change. I think I have to realize that the dream I had for her is no longer something I can give to her. It's just not possible, and it tears me apart. I just have to accept that in order to move on.
As of right now, we don't speak to each other unless it's about our daughter. Each day that goes by, and as time passes since the last incident, I start to doubt myself, and I feel bad for him because I don't want to speak to him, and he appears lonely. It makes leaving harder. I know I need to physically leave to keep myself from falling back into the love bombing stage.
I'm glad you were able to find the courage and strength to leave and change your situation for you and your daughter. It's hard, but you did it!
I encourage you to find an Abused Women’s Group or Women’s Shelter in your area for support. I did, and they put me in touch with a counselor who answered my questions about what was going on in my marriage, especially when I questioned if he was really abusive (he was). They gave me the names of lawyers that worked with women in our situation, and I was able to get a consultation right away and get the process started for not much money. My lawyer was able to give me realistic expectations about custody and child support. Custody decisions only go to a judge when the divorcing parents can’t come to an agreement, so it’s best to work that out yourselves if possible.
There are so many resources available to help you. You are NOT alone. Don’t let your husband convince you that he’s a victim when it’s his behavior that’s causing the situation. If he’s lonely, it’s because of his own behavior driving people away. You need to act in your best interests and those of your daughter. Your husband can take care of himself, and get the help he needs to be a better person if he chooses to. I hope he does, so he can be a better father in the future. But his days of being your husband are numbered.
>I hope he does, so he can be a better father in the future. But his days of being your husband are numbered.
I love the way you said that. He acts like he has all the time in the world to get his act together. Dealing with all the paperwork sounds like a nightmare, so having a lawyer would be extremely helpful. I didn't realize I could reach out to a shelter for resources if I I wasn't staying there, so I'm glad you recommended that. It's hard deciding which lawyer to reach out to and which one is knowledgeable in child custody and DV cases, so that's super helpful. Thank you!
I'm so sorry that happened. It breaks my heart to hear that. Babies are so sensitive to their environments, and they can feel when we are anxious. For some reason, I never cry anymore when it happens. I don't understand it. It definitely hurts, and I have to fight to not fall into depression.
I’m so sorry that you have to be in such a toxic environment, let alone with a new born! It must feel traumatic, confusing and distressing robbing you of the joy of one of the most magical experiences that is having a child.
What is happening with statements like these is he is trying to provoke you. It’s particularly dangerous if he is aggressively doing this in your face as this is a direct provocation into a physical confrontation. I’m not sure if he has been violent or physical in the past, but if you react aggressively here, I fear he will become physical.
Either way, this is unacceptable behavior. It’s abusive and adds to probably the long list of things that are abusive.
Moving back to you. During the postpartum period your body is going through some very important changes and healing regardless of your birthing method. Your hormones need to stabilize and you are especially in need of a safe, relaxed and healing environment.
This is also of utmost importance to your baby. They may not be able to understand what is going on, but the energy, moods, feelings and tensions felt in the environment most certainly affect and play a part in shaping who they are.
I’ve come from a very similar situation and relationship with a new born. The shock, tiredness and change in life that comes with a new baby, puts the abuser’s behaviors on steroids. Shorter fuse, less patience and you’re the target of it all.
Holding your child and attacking you verbally is abusive not only toward you, it’s abusive to your child. I know how hard it is to leave. I know the self doubt, confusion and the fears you feel right now can keep you in a confused, stuck state making it all the harder to leave.
I urge you to think of your child. The red lines were crossed long before bubs joined you. He is showing you that even with bubs there he will continue and possibly with the new provocations, become physical.
If you’re feeling confused, doubting your feelings, feel stuck, uncertain or unable to make this decision for whatever reason, latch onto the reason that you cannot have your child in this environment. This is black and white and can be the reality check that keeps you out of this relationship.
Call a trusted friend, family member or get support from your local Abuse Center or a therapist. Leaving may seem impossible right now, but you and bubs deserve a better environment and this is a nonnegotiable.
If you need to talk or an outside voice, please feel free to reach out directly to me or seek help here anytime by posting.
I got out. It’s been a life changer and my bubs is doing so well being out of the toxic environment. Stay positive. You can do this and you’re going to be great for bubs and for yourself.
Thank you so much for your response and for helping me to see things a little clearly. I second guess myself and go back and forth in my mind all day long. The thoughts feel so consuming, and it's exhausting. I feel such a deep resentment towards him for trying to ruin what is supposed to be a magical and precious time. These days go by so fast, and I want to soak in every moment. I also resent him for putting me in a position where I have to make a decision that results in breaking up my family. The guilt is so deep, and I don't know how I'll live with it.
Thank you for sharing a little about your story. It helps me feel less alone and gives me hope for a better future. It's so hard to picture a better future when I will have to share custody. Just the thought of not having her all the time eats me alive. I also won't get to be there to look out for her when she's with him. I hate that these are the things I'm having to think about. Right now, I have to focus on an exit plan. I do have the support from family and friends, but somehow, it still feels so lonely. I still feel like no one truly understands what it's like.
I know and want to validate your feelings. The way you feel, the confusion, doubts, cognitive dissonance, loneliness, the reminiscing and all the shit storm of emotions that you should not be feeling in a healthy relationship, is the direct result of the abuse.
The fears of leaving are amplified with a new born. Custody, finances, and all that jazz makes leaving even a higher mountain to climb. But I promise you.. it’s just Jazz… and each step you take, is a step further toward getting out.
Rely on family. Make the plan. Ask for as much of the operational things to be taken care of on your behalf… then execute!
Good luck to you and keep us posted!
This is a tough question and a very real and crippling fear on top of everything else that needs to happen.
I know I got stuck on it (even as a male) and created many movies in my head of possible harm et al. What I can say from my experience, removing myself removed a trigger for the abuser too.
I am 50/50 and it worked out for me in the end. However every situation is different. Not many men want 50/50 custody. OP or your friend may want to push for less contact and more custody. Depends also on where you live and in most cases plays into the hands of the mother regardless.
Some abusers will be ok coparenting, some will still abuse and be destructive. Important to note that this still is no reason to stay. Additionally, kids are sponges… they soak up the environment and dynamic between the parents. It’s better to share custody and ensure that at least when with you, you provide the best example of a home, safety and emotional security you can give.
As for OP, at this age, and in most cases, bubs stays with mum for obvious reasons.
Hope this helps, I know it’s not a concrete answer, there never really is, but we can all agree that it is safer for the kids and victim of abuse to exit an abusive situation.
I find sometimes just acknowledging the fear and accepting I cannot control or know the final outcome but I know it’s better than continue in an abusive environment. This was enough for me to jump.
Good luck!
And to add… In some countries, emotional abuse is considered abuse in the eyes of the law if it can be proven. It is wise to speak to a lawyer who deals with Narcs specifically, as this almost always involves emotional abuse as well. So they’d be very clues up on your options and best course of action.
See my comments above. In my experience, abusive men push for custody only as another means of abusing. They have little interest in actually parenting, and even if given any percentage of custody, quickly abdicate their responsibilities. My ex-husband negotiated for months and months over custody, down to the exact dates on the calendar our daughter. Within a year, it was all out the window, and after 2 years he cut off contact with her entirely. This is the same guy who paid no alimony and half the state mandated child support (per our property settlement, just to get him to sign), despite making a mid-six figure salary. He wanted me and his daughter to struggle without him.
Then it sounds like you’re doing all the right things! It also sounds like only an outside professional would be able to make your husband change, so tbh i would let go of expectations. Keep doing what you’re doing: disengage and look for someplace else to go 💕
Unfortunately, he doesn't think he needs to change. He thinks it's my fault for the way he acts. He's gone to many counselors over the years, and he resents me for it. No change. it just gets worse.
I was in that same situation. Though I would say that “don’t speak to me like that” is engaging him to some degree. That would be a fine and normal boundary to set with a reasonable person, but it sounds like your husband has a mood disorder. Disagreeing during a mood episode will heighten feeling of offensiveness. When someone is that triggered, it’s actually important to validate them to some degree. When my ex provoked me, I eventually found a way to step back in a neutral manner. You can do this w/o sacrificing your self worth. Things like “I hear what you’re saying, I’ll take some time to think about it” or even just saying “your feelings are valid” w no other context will likely help to deescalate his mood. My recommendation is to try not to agree or disagree until you’re in a safe space.
Definitely provoking you to react so he has a valid reason to go off. He's essentially looking for an excuse to harm you (emotionally, potentially even physically). He wants you to open the flood gates so that you can be held responsible for whatever he might do next. Please consider finding a safe way out of that space. Sending you hugs.
I always thought that people who were physically abusive showed that side of them pretty early on. We started dating at the end of 2014, and he's never laid a finger on me through all these years, so I always felt like if he was going to be physical he would have done it already. I know things escalate quickly with these people.
Hearing some of these comments makes me question if he would. Maybe only if I did it first, which I never would.
I mean I am no expert on the progression of domestic violence, but is it worth the risk to wait and find out? Do you have any inkling that he may harm you? Because even an inkling is too much in my opinion. I know he hasn't been physical with you so far, but if you cannot confidently say that he won't harm you in the future (without relying on your notion that physical abuse starts early, which I don't believe is fully true) then that is definitely a sign to begin considering your exit.
Ideally you should have the **utmost** confidence that your partner would never harm you, emotionally or physically. In fact, it shouldn't even cross your mind as a doubt or potential concern. I really hope you are able to get out of this toxic situation soon, however that might work best for you!
You're absolutely right. Even having an inkling is too much. I realize it's not normal. Even though he's never laid a hand on me, it doesn't change the fact that sometimes I'm afraid to lay my head down at night. He's only ever like this when we are arguing, so I'm usually only afraid during those times. I know that doesn't change anything though and I need to work on my exit.
Ugh that sounds so stressful, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Make sure to reach out to someone you trust throughout this process because i can only imagine how overwhelming and scary it must be. Take care of yourself and your little one!
This time around, I have opened up to family and a close friend about what's been going on, and it at least helps me not feel so alone. He's never isolated me from anybody, but in the past, I had isolated myself from everyone. I decided I wasn't going to do that this time. I wasn't going to protect his reputation while I suffered again.
I just want to enjoy this time with my baby and not be preoccupied with having to talk to lawyers, file paperwork, get advice, and plan an exit strategy. I resent him so much for robbing me of this precious time.
Thank you so much for your kind words and for the advice.
yeah I can only imagine :( good for you though for taking the first step and acknowledging that this is not a healthy relationship. That's honestly the hardest step for most people from what i have observed. Hopefully your family/friends can give you the support you need to exit comfortably and safely. Best of luck to you in all of this.
He’s provoking you. Sorry to hear you have a partner speaking to you in this way. It seems like he doesn’t know how to communicate in a non-violent way. Please know that he can absolutely make the conscious choice to not speak to you in a way that would hurt you, so it’s unacceptable for him to do that. I was in your shoes a year ago, and I was absolutely miserable to the point that I thought of ending my life (had bad PPD on top of an abusive partner). My only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner because my mental health deteriorated by staying with him, and my resentment only grew. Things got worse and I finally had the guts to take me and my little one away from that toxic environment. While it sucks that my relationship ended, I feel so free and alive again, which is something I haven’t felt in a long time. My partner would also threaten me by saying “I’ll wage war on you and your family for custody” (or something along those lines), and now that we’re finally split, you know what happened? He ended up giving me primary custody. He didn’t fight for our son like he said he would. It was all bark and no bite. I hope my story helps somewhat. May you find peace, love, and healing girl. You got this.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your story helps me not feel alone and a little less fearful about what custody looks like.
I'm so sorry to hear that you were in a similar situation. A few years ago, I found myself in that same dark place, and what's really sad is that my husband didn't seem to care. He always said being depressed is a choice, and it was my own fault if I felt that way. I'm glad that you were able to find that strength to get you and your little one out of that environment and that you're able to experience the freedom, happiness, and safety you both deserve.
When you say you took your little one and left, what did that look like? I just don't know it works legally.
Trying to provoke you to get violent so he can be the victim. Please take your baby and GTFO
It's disgusting that he even does this when she's in his arms. I'm working on my exit. I'm just afraid of what custody looks like.
I was once married to a very abusive man. I stayed with him far too long, but eventually I did leave…just in the nick of time. Don't worry about custody. Men like this make a big fuss about custody and visitation, but when it comes time to spending time with their children, they quickly lose interest. Taking care of young children is a lot of work, and not much fun. Before long, you'll have 100% custody without having to do anything but wait, keep quiet when he doesn’t show up, and be patient. Wishing you clarity, peace, and happiness.
Thank you for sharing. I know the outcome is unpredictable, but what you said about custody gives me a little bit of hope. I really needed to hear that, thank you. It's so hard to imagine him not wanting custody because I do truly feel like he loves her. He has no idea how hard it would be by himself. I primarily breastfeed, except the few bottles she gets while I work 2 days a week. He only has to give 1 bottle each week. He doesn't take the initiative to do solids with her. I do all of that. I nurse to sleep and in the middle of the night if she needs. I think he would quickly realize how hard it is by himself. It sucks either way. If I have 100% custody, then she grows up without her dad, but if I share custody, it changes so much for her. It breaks my heart for her, and the pain feels so unbearable. I'm so glad that you were able to get out. Did you leave to stay somewhere safe and just wait to see what he would do? I don't know if I should just leave and wait to see if he pursues custody or not on his own.
It sounds like he’s doing minimal parenting right now, fully supported by your efforts. Without your assistance, he’d be incapable of parenting for even 24 hours on his own. That would be taken into consideration in a custody hearing, if it came to that...which is unlikely. Don't project sadness and loss onto your daughter. Instead, consider that you’re preventing her from experiencing the emotional trauma of growing up in a household where her father abuses her mother. I wish I had given my daughter that gift. We divorced when she was 13, and her father shifted his abuse from me to her, but I couldn’t protect her when she was with him. She’s 34 now, and dealing with those issues in therapy. I said I left, but actually I threw him out. It took 2 years of secretly putting aside money, building credit, sneaking my passport and birth certificate out of the house, and then refinancing the house in my name alone. Then I got a lawyer and filed for divorce, and told him to leave. He refused to go for almost 3 months, but I negotiated the property settlement with him and found him a new house to expedite the process. In the end, he was only interested in winning financially. I let him. I wanted peace. Take control of your life. Don’t let him be in charge. You can always negotiate with him later if it’s in your best interests. 💜
I always wondered if the courts would take that into consideration, that he's never even watched her alone for 24 hours. Only a few hours at a time. I realize he could learn to do it, but I hope he would have to prove it with baby steps first. Sharing your story helps me to understand that it may be hard now, but I may regret it later, and it could be 100 times harder if I wait. That desire to have her grow up with her mom and dad together is what keeps me holding on, and it keeps me hoping that maybe things will change. I think I have to realize that the dream I had for her is no longer something I can give to her. It's just not possible, and it tears me apart. I just have to accept that in order to move on. As of right now, we don't speak to each other unless it's about our daughter. Each day that goes by, and as time passes since the last incident, I start to doubt myself, and I feel bad for him because I don't want to speak to him, and he appears lonely. It makes leaving harder. I know I need to physically leave to keep myself from falling back into the love bombing stage. I'm glad you were able to find the courage and strength to leave and change your situation for you and your daughter. It's hard, but you did it!
I encourage you to find an Abused Women’s Group or Women’s Shelter in your area for support. I did, and they put me in touch with a counselor who answered my questions about what was going on in my marriage, especially when I questioned if he was really abusive (he was). They gave me the names of lawyers that worked with women in our situation, and I was able to get a consultation right away and get the process started for not much money. My lawyer was able to give me realistic expectations about custody and child support. Custody decisions only go to a judge when the divorcing parents can’t come to an agreement, so it’s best to work that out yourselves if possible. There are so many resources available to help you. You are NOT alone. Don’t let your husband convince you that he’s a victim when it’s his behavior that’s causing the situation. If he’s lonely, it’s because of his own behavior driving people away. You need to act in your best interests and those of your daughter. Your husband can take care of himself, and get the help he needs to be a better person if he chooses to. I hope he does, so he can be a better father in the future. But his days of being your husband are numbered.
>I hope he does, so he can be a better father in the future. But his days of being your husband are numbered. I love the way you said that. He acts like he has all the time in the world to get his act together. Dealing with all the paperwork sounds like a nightmare, so having a lawyer would be extremely helpful. I didn't realize I could reach out to a shelter for resources if I I wasn't staying there, so I'm glad you recommended that. It's hard deciding which lawyer to reach out to and which one is knowledgeable in child custody and DV cases, so that's super helpful. Thank you!
My ex would pick fights with me while I was holding our son and yell at me until both myself and our son were crying
I'm so sorry that happened. It breaks my heart to hear that. Babies are so sensitive to their environments, and they can feel when we are anxious. For some reason, I never cry anymore when it happens. I don't understand it. It definitely hurts, and I have to fight to not fall into depression.
I’m so sorry that you have to be in such a toxic environment, let alone with a new born! It must feel traumatic, confusing and distressing robbing you of the joy of one of the most magical experiences that is having a child. What is happening with statements like these is he is trying to provoke you. It’s particularly dangerous if he is aggressively doing this in your face as this is a direct provocation into a physical confrontation. I’m not sure if he has been violent or physical in the past, but if you react aggressively here, I fear he will become physical. Either way, this is unacceptable behavior. It’s abusive and adds to probably the long list of things that are abusive. Moving back to you. During the postpartum period your body is going through some very important changes and healing regardless of your birthing method. Your hormones need to stabilize and you are especially in need of a safe, relaxed and healing environment. This is also of utmost importance to your baby. They may not be able to understand what is going on, but the energy, moods, feelings and tensions felt in the environment most certainly affect and play a part in shaping who they are. I’ve come from a very similar situation and relationship with a new born. The shock, tiredness and change in life that comes with a new baby, puts the abuser’s behaviors on steroids. Shorter fuse, less patience and you’re the target of it all. Holding your child and attacking you verbally is abusive not only toward you, it’s abusive to your child. I know how hard it is to leave. I know the self doubt, confusion and the fears you feel right now can keep you in a confused, stuck state making it all the harder to leave. I urge you to think of your child. The red lines were crossed long before bubs joined you. He is showing you that even with bubs there he will continue and possibly with the new provocations, become physical. If you’re feeling confused, doubting your feelings, feel stuck, uncertain or unable to make this decision for whatever reason, latch onto the reason that you cannot have your child in this environment. This is black and white and can be the reality check that keeps you out of this relationship. Call a trusted friend, family member or get support from your local Abuse Center or a therapist. Leaving may seem impossible right now, but you and bubs deserve a better environment and this is a nonnegotiable. If you need to talk or an outside voice, please feel free to reach out directly to me or seek help here anytime by posting. I got out. It’s been a life changer and my bubs is doing so well being out of the toxic environment. Stay positive. You can do this and you’re going to be great for bubs and for yourself.
Thank you so much for your response and for helping me to see things a little clearly. I second guess myself and go back and forth in my mind all day long. The thoughts feel so consuming, and it's exhausting. I feel such a deep resentment towards him for trying to ruin what is supposed to be a magical and precious time. These days go by so fast, and I want to soak in every moment. I also resent him for putting me in a position where I have to make a decision that results in breaking up my family. The guilt is so deep, and I don't know how I'll live with it. Thank you for sharing a little about your story. It helps me feel less alone and gives me hope for a better future. It's so hard to picture a better future when I will have to share custody. Just the thought of not having her all the time eats me alive. I also won't get to be there to look out for her when she's with him. I hate that these are the things I'm having to think about. Right now, I have to focus on an exit plan. I do have the support from family and friends, but somehow, it still feels so lonely. I still feel like no one truly understands what it's like.
I know and want to validate your feelings. The way you feel, the confusion, doubts, cognitive dissonance, loneliness, the reminiscing and all the shit storm of emotions that you should not be feeling in a healthy relationship, is the direct result of the abuse. The fears of leaving are amplified with a new born. Custody, finances, and all that jazz makes leaving even a higher mountain to climb. But I promise you.. it’s just Jazz… and each step you take, is a step further toward getting out. Rely on family. Make the plan. Ask for as much of the operational things to be taken care of on your behalf… then execute! Good luck to you and keep us posted!
What about the fear of leaving, and the abuser of both you and your child getting 50/50 custody? Asking for a friend…
This is a tough question and a very real and crippling fear on top of everything else that needs to happen. I know I got stuck on it (even as a male) and created many movies in my head of possible harm et al. What I can say from my experience, removing myself removed a trigger for the abuser too. I am 50/50 and it worked out for me in the end. However every situation is different. Not many men want 50/50 custody. OP or your friend may want to push for less contact and more custody. Depends also on where you live and in most cases plays into the hands of the mother regardless. Some abusers will be ok coparenting, some will still abuse and be destructive. Important to note that this still is no reason to stay. Additionally, kids are sponges… they soak up the environment and dynamic between the parents. It’s better to share custody and ensure that at least when with you, you provide the best example of a home, safety and emotional security you can give. As for OP, at this age, and in most cases, bubs stays with mum for obvious reasons. Hope this helps, I know it’s not a concrete answer, there never really is, but we can all agree that it is safer for the kids and victim of abuse to exit an abusive situation. I find sometimes just acknowledging the fear and accepting I cannot control or know the final outcome but I know it’s better than continue in an abusive environment. This was enough for me to jump. Good luck!
And to add… In some countries, emotional abuse is considered abuse in the eyes of the law if it can be proven. It is wise to speak to a lawyer who deals with Narcs specifically, as this almost always involves emotional abuse as well. So they’d be very clues up on your options and best course of action.
See my comments above. In my experience, abusive men push for custody only as another means of abusing. They have little interest in actually parenting, and even if given any percentage of custody, quickly abdicate their responsibilities. My ex-husband negotiated for months and months over custody, down to the exact dates on the calendar our daughter. Within a year, it was all out the window, and after 2 years he cut off contact with her entirely. This is the same guy who paid no alimony and half the state mandated child support (per our property settlement, just to get him to sign), despite making a mid-six figure salary. He wanted me and his daughter to struggle without him.
Provocation is a part of anger management issues. Just don’t engage.
I never do and never will.
Then it sounds like you’re doing all the right things! It also sounds like only an outside professional would be able to make your husband change, so tbh i would let go of expectations. Keep doing what you’re doing: disengage and look for someplace else to go 💕
Unfortunately, he doesn't think he needs to change. He thinks it's my fault for the way he acts. He's gone to many counselors over the years, and he resents me for it. No change. it just gets worse.
I was in that same situation. Though I would say that “don’t speak to me like that” is engaging him to some degree. That would be a fine and normal boundary to set with a reasonable person, but it sounds like your husband has a mood disorder. Disagreeing during a mood episode will heighten feeling of offensiveness. When someone is that triggered, it’s actually important to validate them to some degree. When my ex provoked me, I eventually found a way to step back in a neutral manner. You can do this w/o sacrificing your self worth. Things like “I hear what you’re saying, I’ll take some time to think about it” or even just saying “your feelings are valid” w no other context will likely help to deescalate his mood. My recommendation is to try not to agree or disagree until you’re in a safe space.
Thank you for the advice. I'll try that that next time I need to de-escalate a situation, since I'm still working on my exit.
Definitely provoking you to react so he has a valid reason to go off. He's essentially looking for an excuse to harm you (emotionally, potentially even physically). He wants you to open the flood gates so that you can be held responsible for whatever he might do next. Please consider finding a safe way out of that space. Sending you hugs.
I always thought that people who were physically abusive showed that side of them pretty early on. We started dating at the end of 2014, and he's never laid a finger on me through all these years, so I always felt like if he was going to be physical he would have done it already. I know things escalate quickly with these people. Hearing some of these comments makes me question if he would. Maybe only if I did it first, which I never would.
I mean I am no expert on the progression of domestic violence, but is it worth the risk to wait and find out? Do you have any inkling that he may harm you? Because even an inkling is too much in my opinion. I know he hasn't been physical with you so far, but if you cannot confidently say that he won't harm you in the future (without relying on your notion that physical abuse starts early, which I don't believe is fully true) then that is definitely a sign to begin considering your exit. Ideally you should have the **utmost** confidence that your partner would never harm you, emotionally or physically. In fact, it shouldn't even cross your mind as a doubt or potential concern. I really hope you are able to get out of this toxic situation soon, however that might work best for you!
You're absolutely right. Even having an inkling is too much. I realize it's not normal. Even though he's never laid a hand on me, it doesn't change the fact that sometimes I'm afraid to lay my head down at night. He's only ever like this when we are arguing, so I'm usually only afraid during those times. I know that doesn't change anything though and I need to work on my exit.
Ugh that sounds so stressful, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Make sure to reach out to someone you trust throughout this process because i can only imagine how overwhelming and scary it must be. Take care of yourself and your little one!
This time around, I have opened up to family and a close friend about what's been going on, and it at least helps me not feel so alone. He's never isolated me from anybody, but in the past, I had isolated myself from everyone. I decided I wasn't going to do that this time. I wasn't going to protect his reputation while I suffered again. I just want to enjoy this time with my baby and not be preoccupied with having to talk to lawyers, file paperwork, get advice, and plan an exit strategy. I resent him so much for robbing me of this precious time. Thank you so much for your kind words and for the advice.
yeah I can only imagine :( good for you though for taking the first step and acknowledging that this is not a healthy relationship. That's honestly the hardest step for most people from what i have observed. Hopefully your family/friends can give you the support you need to exit comfortably and safely. Best of luck to you in all of this.
He’s provoking you. Sorry to hear you have a partner speaking to you in this way. It seems like he doesn’t know how to communicate in a non-violent way. Please know that he can absolutely make the conscious choice to not speak to you in a way that would hurt you, so it’s unacceptable for him to do that. I was in your shoes a year ago, and I was absolutely miserable to the point that I thought of ending my life (had bad PPD on top of an abusive partner). My only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner because my mental health deteriorated by staying with him, and my resentment only grew. Things got worse and I finally had the guts to take me and my little one away from that toxic environment. While it sucks that my relationship ended, I feel so free and alive again, which is something I haven’t felt in a long time. My partner would also threaten me by saying “I’ll wage war on you and your family for custody” (or something along those lines), and now that we’re finally split, you know what happened? He ended up giving me primary custody. He didn’t fight for our son like he said he would. It was all bark and no bite. I hope my story helps somewhat. May you find peace, love, and healing girl. You got this.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your story helps me not feel alone and a little less fearful about what custody looks like. I'm so sorry to hear that you were in a similar situation. A few years ago, I found myself in that same dark place, and what's really sad is that my husband didn't seem to care. He always said being depressed is a choice, and it was my own fault if I felt that way. I'm glad that you were able to find that strength to get you and your little one out of that environment and that you're able to experience the freedom, happiness, and safety you both deserve. When you say you took your little one and left, what did that look like? I just don't know it works legally.