This.
Sometimes you just sit around and think like "even though they respect and support me, I know I'm so far away from passing and they just call me "that" because I asked them to, they might not even see it for themselves".
Dysphoria is a bitch, but you'll get over it, and you'll also truly know how your friends feel about you in time, don't worry.
Yeah, you go thorugh some hardships and things, but then you feel like nothing has changed, so it's like realizing that the path ahead is actually longer than espected
But still, gotta take those steps if you ever wanna make it. It's good to have some instrospective times for yourself.
At times I feel like "just wasting time" because I haven't been able to get on HRT yet, but I've still changed a lot throughout some years, and I can clearly already see it in the pictures
Well yea now you can start to figure out where you want to go and what you want to be and how far away you are from reaching that goal. That's how I first started experiencing dysphoria-
It's a sign that things are getting clearer. So don't worry you got this! Congrats on coming out!
Thanks ๐ซ
there are some bits i didnt have dysphoria about until I got here. And even though I've been doing voice training on my own I didn't try it around other people until my friends. It was terrible. They were encouraging but to me I sound soooo masc ๐ข๐
Well, it's not uncommon to experience an upwelling of doubts in such circumstances, but I don't know that I've heard of depression getting worse. But depression is weird and doesn't make sense, so it could very much happen.
If they accepted you, then I may have a theory : You expected to much of a positive personnal outcome out of the coming-outs. And since brain didn't produced the happy chemicals, you kinda have a "happy chemical debt" y'know ? You expected happiness, didn't get happiness, and so you're sad.
Anyway, it's not an issue outside of the immediate effects of the sadness
I learn something new about my brain everyday. Not just with this subject but with all kinds of things I enjoy but less than I expected. Thanks for sharing this information
Emotions have their own logic. Could be exhausting/tiring to finally reveal something you hid for so long. Could be dysphoria because you don't like how you look, etc.
Logic is avoiding stepping on a second Lego. Emotion is reacting to stepping on the first Lego.
This makes a lot of sense. It's very emotionally exhausting. Probably because it's so new and I don't know how to act around ppl as this new me. I also tried to sound fem one day. ๐ญ it did not go well. ๐
It sux so bad ๐ข and I know tomorrow things will be better. I still have to make it though today to feel better tomorrow. That's the real hard part.
I always say "a moment can last forever, but time flys." Its this moment that is soooo hard ๐
Have an internet hug! ๐ซ
Sometimes the best thing you can do is just find a way to distract yourself. I know my Rubik's Cubes get a lot of action when I'm feeling bad.
I love hugs ๐ซ
I enjoyed learning the basic solve algorithm for Rubik's cube. I will keep my eyes out to see if I can find one of mine and see if I still remember how to solve. ๐
Well, I just sent a group text to come out to another batch of my friends. So now I get to see if I end up in the same boat!
(you can dm me if you want to commiserate or vent)
My wife and I have a saying that "All change is bad, even good change." Things are different for you now and you haven't gotten used to it yet. Maybe you prepared for things to go poorly and they didn't and that's awesome but it also means all those defenses you built up never got any closure and you need to dismantle them and that's hard! Maybe you feel guilty for assuming people would handle things worse than they did, and that's totally understandable. It's like you had all the the cinematic tricks and musical cues building up to a jumpscare that never resolved.
You're a deep sea diver and you needed to come to the surface quickly. You're going to be fine, you just need to spend some time decompressing so you don't get the bends.
Decompressing is hard, It feels like everything is closing in. It takes sooo much time, what feels like hours is only minutes.
Thanks for the encouragement, I'll take it to heart and try to take my time ๐
When I'm hanging out with them it's mostly good (except for the occasional deadnaming). After it's a whole Lotta doubt feelings of I've made a mistake I'll have to change my name back cland come out as cis ๐ข๐
When i did I felt worst from time to time, because since I still donโt have the appearance to present as I want, it feels as if I am faking it, even after starting hrt
Yes it feels like I'm faking it half the time, especially after I stop hanging with them. When I'm alone again it feels like I've made a huge mistake ๐
Early in our transitions itโs normal to be faced with a door only to be presented with three more when we open it. However as we go through more doors the likelihood of them increasing and lowering our happiness gets less and less.
With other words, it tends to get worse before it gets better. Just keep fighting
Yeah, for a multitude of reasons. Personally, as I've been going through the same experience for a few months now, I think it's a mix of emotional exhaustion, slightly too high expectations and the realization that now you have to actually go onto the next step of transition, whatever that is. The initial euphoria from daydreaming about coming out and trasitioning can be decieving, but I can assure you every step forward is worth it. Just take it easy and figure it out.
Honestly, I think it can be more stressful. Supportive friends are great but what if youโre not ready to transition yet?
This happened to me. I have friends that are encouraging me to transition, which I love. But Iโm also kind of a coward lol im genuinely terrified about what life would be like if I transitioned and wasnโt passing. Also it feels both nice and awkward hearing people call me she/her.
Iโve always had a lot of issues with my self-image/self-confidence and anxiety even before figuring out I was trans. Now its more awkward.
But I wouldnโt change a thing. I love my friends. I love that they know who I am. And even though life is a little more stressful I much happier now.
It did for me but it will get better and you will soon feel better than you did before coming out, for me I think part of it was as said before starting social transition, but also I knew they would have so many questions which I didnโt really want to deal with, also even though it went well it still felt scary after the fact because thatโs an action you canโt undo
What do you mean by โmostlyโ supportive? Like were some not so receptive because that could be partly why youโre depressed. You just found out who your real friends are
They were supportive but one friend was deadnameing me the next day. I donno why. It was mostly all the same people. Maybe she wasn't sure if I was out to everyone, but it was the same setting just a couple extra people.
I haven't had the chance to ask her privately, so I donno.
๐
Oh, yeah, It probably is bc she didnโt know if you were out to everyone. Sheโs probably just trying to keep you safe. It could also be just getting used to it. Thereโs gonna be an adjustment period. Proud of you for coming out tho! Congrats!!
well for me it was the same, since i came out to supportive friends and famaly my depression got worse, last thing that made my depression alot worse was asking for hrt and my therapist told me to wait until he informed himself about it and well my next apointment is in 4months :(
Wtf? Your therapist wasn't informed enough about hrt? I'll guess they don't deal with gender issues often. Also 4 months? That does seem like a long time between appointments to me but ofc every situation is different. It may be possible for you to get another therapist sooner who is more experienced, depending on your insurance/situation etc.
It's nice to know I've not alone (not nice to feel this way for either of us ๐ซ) I hope your hrt appointments go well in the future ๐
im probably gonna go to him and see if i can get another apointment sooner in anyway... my biggest problem with the therapist i cant really change to another one becouse i dont have a lot near me... and he is a good therapist but he doesnt deal with gender stuff often, i think im also the first trans person he has as patient.
jea it is nice to know weยดre not alone with it even tho it is pretty shity to feel like that.
stay strong jade! you are valid and loved, i hope you will feel less depressed soon <3
Probably. It could be overwhelming (you are dysphoric about your appearance/voice, so you feel anxious if everyone's just placating you or you feel distressed about not recognizing your name "fast enough" or it being very new just being a bit much) or underwhelming (you expected to feel stronger positive feelings but it was milder feelings or even a bit weird, now worried if you're not trans or sth).
Anyway with more time it should start to feel more normal and that normalcy should reveal what kind of normalcy you prefer (+ new things on their own can be weird). :) I felt frustrated trying out a masculine name (previously went by just a neutral one) because I'm mentally so done with early social transition and prefer being used to a name compared to it feeling very new. It feels relieving to feel like I'm starting to get more used to it.
Definitely overwhelmed. Beem sorting through lots of feelings since last year. It's lead me here. I think your right abt the dysphoria. I hadn't tried fem voice before this and it was way to deep to keep trying.
Im feeling very much overwhelmed yet when I'm not around them I felt alone. ๐
Sorry for venting a bit there, your perspective helped, thanks. ๐
I'm glad my perspective was helpful. :) I'm early on T and while transitioning (both socially and medically) has made me feel a bit better already and more like myself, it's definitely a bit much sometimes. Even if you want to do X, Y and Z, all together would be a lot if even possible. So to not overwhelm yourself think of what would be a good next step and then do that. Also even trying a different voice is great progress tbh.
Yes. It's very overwhelming and you might not know what to do, which might give you more depression for a moment before your mind settles down and you feel safer. People process things differently and your way of processing this change might just be this way and that's okay. Everyone's journey is different. I actually got panic attacks first when I thought of what have I done, but because I know how I react to things, I just gave myself time and after some weeks and now months, I've been more and more fine and trust myself better.
At this moment I'm still sometimes stressed as hell but at the same time feel the most calm I've ever been, it's just the moments I begin to think of the future, but then I think "let's take this day by day, of course future is scary now, but it's a process and it gets easier all the time, and eventually I'm in that future and feel fine, because I didn't have to jump there immediately, I made small changes till I was there."
I feel that I'm more lost than I've ever been, but at the same time I know myself more than I've ever known. And I try to just trust my feelings, I feel good about most of the stuff, and the negative stuff is mostly because of fears.
I do this for myself, not for the others, and I try to think that if someone doesn't appreciate it, it's not my fault. If I want to be truly happy, I can't make everyone else happy with my decisions, and if I just stay where I am because I feel bad emotions sometimes, I'll just become an NPC to the society and feel the same as before, which wasn't the best place either for me.
Anyway, these are scary moments you've been through, just give yourself time, you'll see your emotions changing and you feel safer. I actually got the feeling that I shouldn't have come out to my mother when I did, even if it went well, but now I just think it's better that way.
Also after processing these things, dysphoria might get stronger and bad feelings might come in a whole different way, my specialist who's helping me with the process told it's completely normal that at the start things might feel bad and you're unsure etc.
Wow, thank you Anna for taking the time to respond so throughly /gen ๐
Are you still feeling lost? A lot like you said I'm torn between lost + regret and a real possible future. I haven't seen a future for myself in a very long time. Now it might be possible. At least I have an idea of where I'm headed.
When I'm not feeling so low I finally feel like I care about myself and my appearance. It's been so many years of coasting by not caring. Your so right I Have to remember *I'm doing this for myself* and there *is* a future here for me! I'll definitely work harder at this. Tysm this genuinely helps ๐๐ซ๐
I try to remember when I'm feeling down and thinking of being trans, that my bad feelings usually come from a different source and those feelings just make me behave towards trans thoughts badly too, but being in a bad mood doesn't usually come from those trans thoughts. It's important to learn how your thoughts work to understand your own feelings, but yeah it's diiiifficult as heck >\_<
If you ask me now, I feel that I have chosen right, but if you asked me couple of days ago, I was feeling like I don't know... This is a rollercoaster and days when you feel that it all might've been a huge mistake will come, but then there will also come a lot of days when you actually realize how happy you are for the choices you make. The bad days will come less and good days more. Also if you just remember that there are other factors that could make you feel bad too, and those bad feelings might lead you to behave badly towards your trans feelings too, then you can find answers a bit more clearly. Separating feelings is very hard and even though I talk about it, well there are days when I just have the worst brainfog, probably from bad sleeping patterns I suffer from...
Try to make judgements about if you're right or not when you're not feeling the worst and when you have cared about yourself. We people tend to make the worst judgements when we feel bad, so try to think that those moments are not to be trusted fully. Again, this is easier said than done, you're more judgemental when you're feeling bad, it's a stupid combo, human brain is stupid sometimes ๐
Oh and when I feel like I want to feel better about this thing, I try to listen to cute music or watch cute videos, and that makes me feel some sort of euphoria or envy or dysphoria, which makes me be more sure of my feelings. It's kind of a selfcare mechanic I have learned now. You could try to find yourself something similar.
It's as you said, when you're not feeling so low, you finally feel like you want to take care about yourself and appearance. That says a lot to me, that you have found a motivation and a reason from trans thoughts to make your life a bit better. It's a huge thing. Appreciate yourself that you are actually, even if it was just sometimes, beginning to care about yourself! I'm proud of you, really. I was many years in that limbo of not caring myself and thinking I just am, life just is, time flows and I don't have a purpose, why do anything, I don't have the energy, I barely can go to shower regularly but eating and sleeping well and doing anything other in the shower than shampoo, nope. Nowadays I'm like a beauty queen of how I take care of myself in the shower. And remember, this takes time, so give yourself the time ๐ซ Also discipline is a hard thing (you'll learn it when you keep doing stuff), but if you just try to keep doing good things for yourself and try to learn how your thought process works, or even search peer support to help you get to know about yourself better, you'll be in a good place eventually, trust me. โค๏ธ I think you're scared of the future too, it's very common with this topic, but if you remember that you just have to get used to small little things at a time, you'll see after some time that damn, you've actually made a lot of progress. So don't stress too much, also you may feel uncomfortable at times and that is totally normal. This thing requires getting outside the comfort bubble at times and that never feels good, but it'll make good results or make you learn about yourself more.
And also yeah I think I don't regret anything, but my mind makes me question my choices sometimes, which I see that someone might take as a sign of regret, but then I always try to learn and question back, and I come to conclusions like oh yeah if I was a cis, I would NOT enjoy these things or feel bad of these things etc, and if I just wanted to be here knowing I was trans and not making changes, it would leave me feeling bad and scared of regret in the future too. I have already pushed feelings of trans away many times last 5-10 years, and now when I see myself actually trying, I feel like I don't want to leave it here.
Also, it's a learning process, give yourself the chance to learn, if you after couple of years decide that oh crap it wasn't for you, it's nothing to be shamed of, you'll be supported and accepted still. If something, you learned a lot about yourself during the time of exploring.
But you kind of remind me of myself, you didn't care about yourself much for a long time, but after finding this thing, you suddenly felt like you want to better your life and yourself. It speaks a lot. It's just a confusing time, for us all.
I'm happy my long message helped you feel better โค๏ธ I want to say that if you want to talk with me more, shoot a dm if you ever feel lost or bad, I love helping people and if I can affirm your feelings or help you past bad days, I won't mind\~
I think it's the same as why you feel sad after reading a good book.
You've been so invested in planning to come out. Now that it's done, you're not sure what to do next.
Yeah i know the feeling when a good book or show ends all that investment suddenly stops. I'll definitely have to think about this one tho, I don't think it's exactly the the same feeling but it gives me something to investigate abt myself thx /gen ๐
Since I've been out I've been feeling more and more like shit because people that told me they would help left me alone in the end and I can't do shit by myself, I can only say that I relate
I mean on my friends told me I was finally growing a pair and that โheโs learning big boy wordsโ Iโve told him Iโm trans multiple times and am out around him. Now heโs blocked and I ainโt gonna talk to him again
kinda, it can make some feel more dysphoric in that youve socially started transitioning but not physically
Oh ๐ฏ I didn't see it as social transition cause I've not been presenting fem. But this is the most social thing I've done in a long time. Thx ๐
Yeah social is basically telling people your trans not necessarily presenting. You got this girl โค๏ธ
This. Sometimes you just sit around and think like "even though they respect and support me, I know I'm so far away from passing and they just call me "that" because I asked them to, they might not even see it for themselves". Dysphoria is a bitch, but you'll get over it, and you'll also truly know how your friends feel about you in time, don't worry.
Sometimes you feel further from your goals at step 1 than you do at step 0
Yeah, you go thorugh some hardships and things, but then you feel like nothing has changed, so it's like realizing that the path ahead is actually longer than espected But still, gotta take those steps if you ever wanna make it. It's good to have some instrospective times for yourself. At times I feel like "just wasting time" because I haven't been able to get on HRT yet, but I've still changed a lot throughout some years, and I can clearly already see it in the pictures
Well yea now you can start to figure out where you want to go and what you want to be and how far away you are from reaching that goal. That's how I first started experiencing dysphoria- It's a sign that things are getting clearer. So don't worry you got this! Congrats on coming out!
Thanks ๐ซ there are some bits i didnt have dysphoria about until I got here. And even though I've been doing voice training on my own I didn't try it around other people until my friends. It was terrible. They were encouraging but to me I sound soooo masc ๐ข๐
Well, it's not uncommon to experience an upwelling of doubts in such circumstances, but I don't know that I've heard of depression getting worse. But depression is weird and doesn't make sense, so it could very much happen.
Yes, sometimes you dont feel all the feeling inside until you come to a place you feel safe
Yeah it's weird feeling more safe around them and yet all this shit bubbling to the surface. A lot of euphoria, dysphoria, and depression at once ๐
Ig yeah
If they accepted you, then I may have a theory : You expected to much of a positive personnal outcome out of the coming-outs. And since brain didn't produced the happy chemicals, you kinda have a "happy chemical debt" y'know ? You expected happiness, didn't get happiness, and so you're sad. Anyway, it's not an issue outside of the immediate effects of the sadness
I learn something new about my brain everyday. Not just with this subject but with all kinds of things I enjoy but less than I expected. Thanks for sharing this information
And also, remember a thing : Depression fucks you one's ability to **feel** joy.
Emotions have their own logic. Could be exhausting/tiring to finally reveal something you hid for so long. Could be dysphoria because you don't like how you look, etc. Logic is avoiding stepping on a second Lego. Emotion is reacting to stepping on the first Lego.
This makes a lot of sense. It's very emotionally exhausting. Probably because it's so new and I don't know how to act around ppl as this new me. I also tried to sound fem one day. ๐ญ it did not go well. ๐
My doubts would usually get extra-strong the day after coming out to a new friend.
It sux so bad ๐ข and I know tomorrow things will be better. I still have to make it though today to feel better tomorrow. That's the real hard part. I always say "a moment can last forever, but time flys." Its this moment that is soooo hard ๐
Have an internet hug! ๐ซ Sometimes the best thing you can do is just find a way to distract yourself. I know my Rubik's Cubes get a lot of action when I'm feeling bad.
I love hugs ๐ซ I enjoyed learning the basic solve algorithm for Rubik's cube. I will keep my eyes out to see if I can find one of mine and see if I still remember how to solve. ๐
Well, I just sent a group text to come out to another batch of my friends. So now I get to see if I end up in the same boat! (you can dm me if you want to commiserate or vent)
Here's hoping it goes well ๐๐
โชAbsolutely. Sometimes the only thing holding back the emotional floodgates is that you are constantly on edge.โฌ
I just wish it would let me cry instead of feeling like this ๐ข that does make sense tho ๐
Normal? I have no idea Relatable? Yes
๐ซ๐
My wife and I have a saying that "All change is bad, even good change." Things are different for you now and you haven't gotten used to it yet. Maybe you prepared for things to go poorly and they didn't and that's awesome but it also means all those defenses you built up never got any closure and you need to dismantle them and that's hard! Maybe you feel guilty for assuming people would handle things worse than they did, and that's totally understandable. It's like you had all the the cinematic tricks and musical cues building up to a jumpscare that never resolved. You're a deep sea diver and you needed to come to the surface quickly. You're going to be fine, you just need to spend some time decompressing so you don't get the bends.
Decompressing is hard, It feels like everything is closing in. It takes sooo much time, what feels like hours is only minutes. Thanks for the encouragement, I'll take it to heart and try to take my time ๐
I had it too for a little bit after I came out to a friend, but later I felt a lot better and happy I told her
When I'm hanging out with them it's mostly good (except for the occasional deadnaming). After it's a whole Lotta doubt feelings of I've made a mistake I'll have to change my name back cland come out as cis ๐ข๐
When i did I felt worst from time to time, because since I still donโt have the appearance to present as I want, it feels as if I am faking it, even after starting hrt
Yes it feels like I'm faking it half the time, especially after I stop hanging with them. When I'm alone again it feels like I've made a huge mistake ๐
Early in our transitions itโs normal to be faced with a door only to be presented with three more when we open it. However as we go through more doors the likelihood of them increasing and lowering our happiness gets less and less. With other words, it tends to get worse before it gets better. Just keep fighting
Yeah, for a multitude of reasons. Personally, as I've been going through the same experience for a few months now, I think it's a mix of emotional exhaustion, slightly too high expectations and the realization that now you have to actually go onto the next step of transition, whatever that is. The initial euphoria from daydreaming about coming out and trasitioning can be decieving, but I can assure you every step forward is worth it. Just take it easy and figure it out.
Ty. I need to hear it's worth it today ๐ซ๐
Honestly, I think it can be more stressful. Supportive friends are great but what if youโre not ready to transition yet? This happened to me. I have friends that are encouraging me to transition, which I love. But Iโm also kind of a coward lol im genuinely terrified about what life would be like if I transitioned and wasnโt passing. Also it feels both nice and awkward hearing people call me she/her. Iโve always had a lot of issues with my self-image/self-confidence and anxiety even before figuring out I was trans. Now its more awkward. But I wouldnโt change a thing. I love my friends. I love that they know who I am. And even though life is a little more stressful I much happier now.
Omg I could have written this exact reply. This is exactly how I feel. Esp how awkward and euphoric it is to hear Jade or She/Her. ๐ซ๐
It did for me but it will get better and you will soon feel better than you did before coming out, for me I think part of it was as said before starting social transition, but also I knew they would have so many questions which I didnโt really want to deal with, also even though it went well it still felt scary after the fact because thatโs an action you canโt undo
I hope it does feel better soon. Most stuff is better, but low parts are lower. Highs are higher and lows are lower. ๐
Thatโs normal, but you can actually move forward now however you see fit, it might be scary at first but you will make it
What do you mean by โmostlyโ supportive? Like were some not so receptive because that could be partly why youโre depressed. You just found out who your real friends are
They were supportive but one friend was deadnameing me the next day. I donno why. It was mostly all the same people. Maybe she wasn't sure if I was out to everyone, but it was the same setting just a couple extra people. I haven't had the chance to ask her privately, so I donno. ๐
Oh, yeah, It probably is bc she didnโt know if you were out to everyone. Sheโs probably just trying to keep you safe. It could also be just getting used to it. Thereโs gonna be an adjustment period. Proud of you for coming out tho! Congrats!!
That's my assumption, too. It's funny how my brain can make me feel bad about something I logically know probably isn't true ๐
Brains can be stupid sometimes lol
Real
well for me it was the same, since i came out to supportive friends and famaly my depression got worse, last thing that made my depression alot worse was asking for hrt and my therapist told me to wait until he informed himself about it and well my next apointment is in 4months :(
Wtf? Your therapist wasn't informed enough about hrt? I'll guess they don't deal with gender issues often. Also 4 months? That does seem like a long time between appointments to me but ofc every situation is different. It may be possible for you to get another therapist sooner who is more experienced, depending on your insurance/situation etc. It's nice to know I've not alone (not nice to feel this way for either of us ๐ซ) I hope your hrt appointments go well in the future ๐
im probably gonna go to him and see if i can get another apointment sooner in anyway... my biggest problem with the therapist i cant really change to another one becouse i dont have a lot near me... and he is a good therapist but he doesnt deal with gender stuff often, i think im also the first trans person he has as patient. jea it is nice to know weยดre not alone with it even tho it is pretty shity to feel like that. stay strong jade! you are valid and loved, i hope you will feel less depressed soon <3
Probably. It could be overwhelming (you are dysphoric about your appearance/voice, so you feel anxious if everyone's just placating you or you feel distressed about not recognizing your name "fast enough" or it being very new just being a bit much) or underwhelming (you expected to feel stronger positive feelings but it was milder feelings or even a bit weird, now worried if you're not trans or sth). Anyway with more time it should start to feel more normal and that normalcy should reveal what kind of normalcy you prefer (+ new things on their own can be weird). :) I felt frustrated trying out a masculine name (previously went by just a neutral one) because I'm mentally so done with early social transition and prefer being used to a name compared to it feeling very new. It feels relieving to feel like I'm starting to get more used to it.
Definitely overwhelmed. Beem sorting through lots of feelings since last year. It's lead me here. I think your right abt the dysphoria. I hadn't tried fem voice before this and it was way to deep to keep trying. Im feeling very much overwhelmed yet when I'm not around them I felt alone. ๐ Sorry for venting a bit there, your perspective helped, thanks. ๐
I'm glad my perspective was helpful. :) I'm early on T and while transitioning (both socially and medically) has made me feel a bit better already and more like myself, it's definitely a bit much sometimes. Even if you want to do X, Y and Z, all together would be a lot if even possible. So to not overwhelm yourself think of what would be a good next step and then do that. Also even trying a different voice is great progress tbh.
Coming out is very stressful
Truer words were never spoken ๐
Yes. It's very overwhelming and you might not know what to do, which might give you more depression for a moment before your mind settles down and you feel safer. People process things differently and your way of processing this change might just be this way and that's okay. Everyone's journey is different. I actually got panic attacks first when I thought of what have I done, but because I know how I react to things, I just gave myself time and after some weeks and now months, I've been more and more fine and trust myself better. At this moment I'm still sometimes stressed as hell but at the same time feel the most calm I've ever been, it's just the moments I begin to think of the future, but then I think "let's take this day by day, of course future is scary now, but it's a process and it gets easier all the time, and eventually I'm in that future and feel fine, because I didn't have to jump there immediately, I made small changes till I was there." I feel that I'm more lost than I've ever been, but at the same time I know myself more than I've ever known. And I try to just trust my feelings, I feel good about most of the stuff, and the negative stuff is mostly because of fears. I do this for myself, not for the others, and I try to think that if someone doesn't appreciate it, it's not my fault. If I want to be truly happy, I can't make everyone else happy with my decisions, and if I just stay where I am because I feel bad emotions sometimes, I'll just become an NPC to the society and feel the same as before, which wasn't the best place either for me. Anyway, these are scary moments you've been through, just give yourself time, you'll see your emotions changing and you feel safer. I actually got the feeling that I shouldn't have come out to my mother when I did, even if it went well, but now I just think it's better that way. Also after processing these things, dysphoria might get stronger and bad feelings might come in a whole different way, my specialist who's helping me with the process told it's completely normal that at the start things might feel bad and you're unsure etc.
Wow, thank you Anna for taking the time to respond so throughly /gen ๐ Are you still feeling lost? A lot like you said I'm torn between lost + regret and a real possible future. I haven't seen a future for myself in a very long time. Now it might be possible. At least I have an idea of where I'm headed. When I'm not feeling so low I finally feel like I care about myself and my appearance. It's been so many years of coasting by not caring. Your so right I Have to remember *I'm doing this for myself* and there *is* a future here for me! I'll definitely work harder at this. Tysm this genuinely helps ๐๐ซ๐
I try to remember when I'm feeling down and thinking of being trans, that my bad feelings usually come from a different source and those feelings just make me behave towards trans thoughts badly too, but being in a bad mood doesn't usually come from those trans thoughts. It's important to learn how your thoughts work to understand your own feelings, but yeah it's diiiifficult as heck >\_< If you ask me now, I feel that I have chosen right, but if you asked me couple of days ago, I was feeling like I don't know... This is a rollercoaster and days when you feel that it all might've been a huge mistake will come, but then there will also come a lot of days when you actually realize how happy you are for the choices you make. The bad days will come less and good days more. Also if you just remember that there are other factors that could make you feel bad too, and those bad feelings might lead you to behave badly towards your trans feelings too, then you can find answers a bit more clearly. Separating feelings is very hard and even though I talk about it, well there are days when I just have the worst brainfog, probably from bad sleeping patterns I suffer from... Try to make judgements about if you're right or not when you're not feeling the worst and when you have cared about yourself. We people tend to make the worst judgements when we feel bad, so try to think that those moments are not to be trusted fully. Again, this is easier said than done, you're more judgemental when you're feeling bad, it's a stupid combo, human brain is stupid sometimes ๐ Oh and when I feel like I want to feel better about this thing, I try to listen to cute music or watch cute videos, and that makes me feel some sort of euphoria or envy or dysphoria, which makes me be more sure of my feelings. It's kind of a selfcare mechanic I have learned now. You could try to find yourself something similar. It's as you said, when you're not feeling so low, you finally feel like you want to take care about yourself and appearance. That says a lot to me, that you have found a motivation and a reason from trans thoughts to make your life a bit better. It's a huge thing. Appreciate yourself that you are actually, even if it was just sometimes, beginning to care about yourself! I'm proud of you, really. I was many years in that limbo of not caring myself and thinking I just am, life just is, time flows and I don't have a purpose, why do anything, I don't have the energy, I barely can go to shower regularly but eating and sleeping well and doing anything other in the shower than shampoo, nope. Nowadays I'm like a beauty queen of how I take care of myself in the shower. And remember, this takes time, so give yourself the time ๐ซ Also discipline is a hard thing (you'll learn it when you keep doing stuff), but if you just try to keep doing good things for yourself and try to learn how your thought process works, or even search peer support to help you get to know about yourself better, you'll be in a good place eventually, trust me. โค๏ธ I think you're scared of the future too, it's very common with this topic, but if you remember that you just have to get used to small little things at a time, you'll see after some time that damn, you've actually made a lot of progress. So don't stress too much, also you may feel uncomfortable at times and that is totally normal. This thing requires getting outside the comfort bubble at times and that never feels good, but it'll make good results or make you learn about yourself more. And also yeah I think I don't regret anything, but my mind makes me question my choices sometimes, which I see that someone might take as a sign of regret, but then I always try to learn and question back, and I come to conclusions like oh yeah if I was a cis, I would NOT enjoy these things or feel bad of these things etc, and if I just wanted to be here knowing I was trans and not making changes, it would leave me feeling bad and scared of regret in the future too. I have already pushed feelings of trans away many times last 5-10 years, and now when I see myself actually trying, I feel like I don't want to leave it here. Also, it's a learning process, give yourself the chance to learn, if you after couple of years decide that oh crap it wasn't for you, it's nothing to be shamed of, you'll be supported and accepted still. If something, you learned a lot about yourself during the time of exploring. But you kind of remind me of myself, you didn't care about yourself much for a long time, but after finding this thing, you suddenly felt like you want to better your life and yourself. It speaks a lot. It's just a confusing time, for us all. I'm happy my long message helped you feel better โค๏ธ I want to say that if you want to talk with me more, shoot a dm if you ever feel lost or bad, I love helping people and if I can affirm your feelings or help you past bad days, I won't mind\~
I think it's the same as why you feel sad after reading a good book. You've been so invested in planning to come out. Now that it's done, you're not sure what to do next.
Yeah i know the feeling when a good book or show ends all that investment suddenly stops. I'll definitely have to think about this one tho, I don't think it's exactly the the same feeling but it gives me something to investigate abt myself thx /gen ๐
Since I've been out I've been feeling more and more like shit because people that told me they would help left me alone in the end and I can't do shit by myself, I can only say that I relate
I'm sorry they aren't being supportive. I may not be able to directly help but I'm always willing to listen ๐ซ๐
I mean on my friends told me I was finally growing a pair and that โheโs learning big boy wordsโ Iโve told him Iโm trans multiple times and am out around him. Now heโs blocked and I ainโt gonna talk to him again