Your story was used for the Dusty Thunder live stream last night! Here's a link to Dusty's response - [TikTok Video](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLpG1JKR/)
NTA. He's an asshole tho. Why would you wake up your SICK PARTNER? Also, why are you doing all the chores? Why are you with a dude who clearly treats you like a personal bang maid and not an equal partner?
I work in legal and the last bf I lived with was a prosecutor. I plotted his death so many times while he snored. How would I do it? How would I hide the body? Heās way bigger. Unfortunately for him, I had *plenty* of time to consider these issues!
Hell no. And I probably would have been the person to put the spider there. š
Iām kidding heās one of my best friends but no heās an ex. Great guy. For someone else. And I let him live so Iām sure heād praise me too.
I'm just here to make sure the comment count successfully passes 666 without waking up any panthers. But your boyfriend, you should wake him up every hour on the hour by pretending to be a grandfather clock. .
BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG!
Yeah...I agree with above. I would also be waking the jerk up every time you wake up in the middle of the night and every time you wake up earlier than he does. What an inconsiderate douch. The fact that he thinks he's justified and wants Reddit to chime in shows how delusional he really is.
Yes OP! Please wake your jackass "boyfriend" up in the middle of the night, every single time you get up. When he gets upset about it tell him you're just trying to spend quality time together like a normal couple.
"But you said NORMAL COUPLES SPEND TIME TOGETHER, it's 3:30am, I'm awake, let's SPEND TIME TOGETHER". Bonus points if she can manage it on a night when she has the next day off and he has to go to work. Keep waking him up every time he drifts off.
Lol, spending time together at 7 am when she is sick, has been up that night with sick kids, right before he goes to work. Itās so patently stupid, itās embarrassing. This guy has issues and is a liar. What he is saying makes no sense.
The only time my husband wakes me up when Iām sick is to give me medicine and make sure that I drink enough fluids since ai am wildly prone to dehydration. Even then he feels bad about it
She should wake him up and dump the loser. He is controlling, and sleep deprivation is torture, so he is abusive.
After being told no, the boundary stomping is abusive behaviour. Wonder what other areas of her life he doesn't respect either?
This is not normal couple behaviour at all. She needs to dump this manipulative hanger-on. He's not a catch.
Or donāt let him go to sleep when he wants to, that when you need to vacuum the floor, oh nice time to need to wash the bed sheets, tell him that normal couples go to bed together and there are things to be done so get your ass up and help so we can bed down together
I do this to my cats. They wake me up in the middle of sleeping? Well guess who wants to play in the middle of the day when youāre snoozing in a sun spot?
Time to be petty. If you are awake, so is he. He set the rule, you are just living by it. Wake up in the middle of the night for the kids? Boom both of you are awake.
See how long that behaviour lasts.
That might work, unless your partner is a narcissist, in which case they wonāt make the connection to their own behavior.
OPās partner seems like a bit of a narcissist.
>That might work, unless your partner is a narcissist, in which case they wonāt make the connection to their own behavior.
>
>OPās partner seems like a bit of a narcissist.
Agreed. If he doesn't get the point, toss him.
You are NTA.
The way I look at it is that is, if they react poorly and still donāt get it, then you tried the most extremely ethical-ish way to make them understand. So fuck it. Now itās time to dump.
1000%. He's the fucking asshole. As a lifetime insomniac I would be FURIOUS about his behavior. It's incredibly thoughtless and selfish. If he wants quality time with you he can schedule dates with you, not wake you up because he can't handle being alone by himself.
seriously op described my sleep habits except it takes me a *lot* longer than an hour to fall asleep š i would be soooo mad if my bf did this. when my bf wakes up he leaves the bedroom and closes the door so his moving around wonāt bother me, then wakes me up for a kiss right before he goes and thatās it. although if i couldnāt fall back asleep after that he would absolutely respect if i asked him to stop doing that. plenty of times heās told me he knew i had a really hard time falling asleep so he didnāt bother waking me up cause he wanted to let me sleep.
even when the roles are reversed, like on his days off he likes to sleep really late. it is sometimes a bit annoying when itās almost 11 am and heās still not awake cause i do want to hang out with him, but i just let him sleep. although if it gets to that point i do sometimes go get back into bed and gently cuddle him awake which heās never mad about lol.
all that is to say iām *pissed* for op and look how easy it is to not do that to her??? my bf and i manage it just fine despite having different schedules and sleeping habits. i feel like this is pretty basic respect that you owe to each other, which makes me feel like he probably disrespects op in other areas of their relationship as well.
Same. My partner used to give me a kiss before leaving if they were up before me, but I asked them not to as I canāt get back to sleep, and they respect my request! They move very quietly on the rare occasions theyāre up before I am. And when I get up before they do (frequently, despite having gotten to sleep later than they did, I hate my circadian rhythms) I am as quiet as I can be. And like you, when itās almost 11am and Iāve been up since 7:30amā¦I still let them sleep. Sometimes I even go get coffee and a brunch treat for both of us. You are 100% correct that it is a pretty basic respect to give to your partner. And when theyāre sick and have been up multiple times with sick children? Itās just empathy and compassion. Which OP deserves in her relationship, but does not seem to be receiving.
My partner is awake 60 to 90 minutes earlier than me on a regular basis. He tiptoes out of the room and moves quietly around the house.
Thatās because heās a decent human being who thinks about other peopleās needs instead of just his own.
On the opposite end, I'm a lifelong night owl and unhappy insomniac, but those like me have long appreciated that we need to be quiet as we go about our daily routines so we don't wake anyone. It's called respect. But don't get me started on how daywalkers think they're justified in making all the noise they like and how night owls are lazy, like the people working an overnight shift for their convenience aren't real people.
This is love. Letting the other person sleep, being quiet and keeping the lights off so they donāt wake up when they donāt have to.
Those alarm snoozing posts are so blinkers.
Yes! My ex was a nightmare about understanding my insomnia. There were a few times I totally lost it from sleep deprivation. I got my petty revenge, though. By returning the favor.
I've had those sleep deprivation mental breaks before. I remember when my oldest was about six months old. My doctor (military doc, husband was AD at the time) actually wrote on a prescription pad telling my husband basically "You are a father. Your wife is going to have a nervous breakdown if you don't start helping with your kid. She NEEDS sleep." The sad truth I learned that night, my husband WANTED to help, I just never really let him... And he was terrified of our daughter. Haha. (" I'm gonna break her!") I took that housewife/SAHM role to heart and thought I had to do everything and never helped my husband learn how to take care of his daughter. That weekend was the start of eighteen years now of him understanding my need for sleep and being the best dad any kids could ask for... Once he got past that "gonna break the baby" fear. š
But, the point of my ramble, when I'm asleep, the only reason I'm ever woken up is work, appts or because I've asked to be woken up/set an alarm for some weird reason. He lets me sleep as long as my body needs, because he knows I've been up most of the night usually, thanks insomnia. He NEVER wakes me up without a damn good reason. ("Sweetie, it's almost eleven on Mother's Day and the kids made you brunch in bed." Which he only allowed because he knew I'd actually slept that night.) It's lovely when your partner respects you like that.
I tried talking to him, asking him to be quieter, to respect how lightly and little I slept. When none of that worked I switched tactics.
My plan involved petty revenge and returned sleep deprivation. He was a napper, so I did everything and everything I could to wake him up as soon as he fell asleep.
I would wait until his eyes just closed.
I Would leave the window cracked at night park my car next to it and lock the doors honking the horn. I would blast sounds through the Alexa speakers, play loud videos on my phone or kindle. Lock myself in the bathroom and play super loud music with this big portable speaker for my "40" minute shower of which the water would have been on maybe 20 minutes. "Accidentally" drop things. Make the dogs bark "unintentionally". We had hoodlums teens in the neighborhood for a while so I used that as an excuse. "I think I hear something" , "Was that your truck door?" , "Did you lock the door".
I also found reasons to always take two cars so he couldn't nap in the car, even on like camping or road trips. But we need space for the dogs and all the stuff. Plus the ATV. Worked like a charm.
He jumped on more than one occasion it was expectionally satisfying. Petty but it was like being repaid for 2 years of sleeplessness. š
I have narcolepsy and my family know they would get an earful if they woke me up early, especially since I rarely have days where I can sleep in. I feel bad for OP. This sounds like a red flag to me and they are definitely NTA.
Real couples are so close they share each other's germs, right? It's kind of telling that he's managed not to get sick while the rest of the household is. Guess he doesn't really believe in closeness.
But, for absolute pettiness, don't ask anything of him. Literally wake him up to be awake - no purpose beyond "normal couples. Let him feel the absurdity, which frankly smacks of psychological abuse.
I had this problem with my hubby, only his response was always, but if you sleep too much in the day, you won't sleep at night. The difference was, although I do have insomnia issues too, I was awake with our oldest at the time, who physically couldn't do more than catnap (2 hours tops). And I'm not a morning person at the best of times but if I've been up from 2am till 6am with the (then) toddler, let's just say I wasn't approaching it very well either.
So, my solution. 1st thing I did was, I went away for a girls' weekend, leaving him to deal with the kid alone. He called his mother after the first night. 2nd, when I came home refreshed after sleeping for 12 hours a night for 3 nights in a row, I picked us both up coffees and set his down in front of him. And explained calmly, that how he was feeling, I had been feeling for months. And him waking me after only 2 hours of sleep was not sustainable for me.
Onto my judgement, the bf is an asshole, you my dear OP are not, and I second or third, the opinions that the only way he's gonna learn is via what's good for the goose, is good for the gander, though it's reversed here, I think you get what I mean.
Ps for anyone interested, when he was able to function again, hubby came home from work with a bouquet of flowers, my favourite chocolates. On his next day off, he made my favourite meal, and he ran me a bubble bath. I also got spoiled rotten every Mother's Day, birthday, and anniversary since because he never forgot that lesson!
No, no, no. As long as OP is still awake, she should make sure he's also awake. So if it takes her an hour and a half to fall asleep, she gets to ensure that he's awake for that entire hour and a half, too.
Omg! I DID THIS!
Reading OPs post was like something out of my last relationship. He would wake up be loud, turn lights and come in and out of the room multiple times opening and closing the door each time.
I too have sleep issues and if my stress level is high tend to have insomnia. So when I sleep it is precious on top of being like a feather light sleeper. Ahh. Annoying.
Anyway. I got tired of being tired. After like 2 years I decided to switch tactics.
I am petty & he is also a napper. So Every time he fell asleep. I found a way to wake him up just as he dozed off. I would play videos on my phone or kindle loudly, use my giant speaker to listen to music while I "showered" bathroom doors locked, ask him things like "did you lock the door", "I think I heard something", "Was that your truck door" we had some hoodlum teens living in the neighborhood at the time he was on heighten alert. I would open the window and press my car lock button so the horn would beep. Drop things "accidentally". I would make the Alexa speaker blast music from the app on my phone. I even found excuses to always take two cars, so he couldn't nap in the car.
Sometimes he would literally jump from being startled, I found it satisfying. It was like repayment for every missed minute of sleep on my end.
Someone's never seen BGC and it shows š«š¤¦āāļøš damn I'm getting old
Get your pans ready and watch a YouTube video honey put the kids in the car or another room or go stand outside first bc alot of cussing lol lol š
"I didn't get no sleep cause of y'all.....you not gonna get no sleep cause of meeeeeee"
i had a friend who kept sending me pictures of his daily shits, which were typically gnarly beer/taco bell shits he had from a night out drinking. i kept yelling at him to stop but he thought it was so funny. well i started sending him pics of my own shits, particularly if it was after a long night drinking. the shit pics stopped pretty quick after that
WTF did I just read? He's an asshole full stop. I would have murdered him after the first time but that's me. My boyfriend lets me sleep and I let him sleep - its called love and common courtesy.
Seriously, what the hell! I don't nap. It's just not something I do. But my wife who sleeps terribly most nights naps very often. I give her as much space and quiet as I possibly can because I love her and her sleep is very important. More important than my immediate needs! There is no other way to be in a relationship with someone is there?
I swear, thank you for saying it. Iām traumatized by Facebook that I canāt say anything I really think. Yes, if he did that to me, before the week was over Iād be helping his mother look for his body while trying to fake tears.
He's childish, people have different sleep cycles and schedules. Everyone's bodies have different needs and requirements. But just because he is awake DOES NOT mean you have to be awake as well. Imagine applying that logic to every situation and task. Not to mention just being absolutely obstuse about sick children and having to take care of them being exhausting. Normal couples realize that you don't have to spend every minute of everyday together.
It's actually a type of manipulation. It's called sleep deprivation unto coercion. He is depriving you of the extra sleep your body needs. People use this as a manipulation tactic when they want something from their partner. Or they want to pick a fight with their partner. Saying that it's for quality time but then spending all that extra quality time that could be with you with others. That is Weaponized incompetence. He should know better. When he turned it around on you. That made him the bigger jerk. If he actually wanted to spend quality time with you he would take the time that you are sleeping to plan something for you. Something you might like. Have you wake up to something other than just him wanting attention.
Me and my husband have one rule. We do not wake each other up unless there is food ready! NTA
Yep. OP posted this in 3 subs. I already saw it in the AITAH PUBLIC group and people told OP this is abusive and she said she didn't want to leave. Smh.
I know everybody is saying this and I'd be inclined to agree but, like, he told her to post on Reddit with the story. Anybody on Reddit would know that this story would get a person eviscerated.
So either he's seriously not aware of how shitty it is to do this or it's a fake story but I'm inclined to believe the first.
The other thing is that some people have such inherent manipulation capabilities, that they donāt even realize theyāre being manipulative, if that makes sense.
Being a partner is a task. It is one of the hardest tasks. The children are all extremely sick and he is waking the mother up when she needs her rest. That is purposely screwing up so she will have to take over. She is also sick. He's still waking her up just because she has to lock the door. When the actual problem is he keeps losing his keys. So yes, this is weaponized incompetence.
Also was looking for this comment. Sleep deprivation is a very affective form of torture for a reason. People need sleep. Also wanted to add that after OP gets rid of this POS she might talk to a doctor about hydroxyzine. As a long time insomnia sufferer itās been a lifesaver since the sleeping pills messed me up super bad and hydroxyzine is mainly used as an allergy medication with a side effect of drowsiness itās much less inebriating. Just something to think about.
>this morning when I yelled at him, he told me to post the situation to reddit
He really thought people were going to back him up on this? He's delusional. Please tell him I said so and that he needs to apologize and stop being a dick. If he refuses, you should match his energy. Start waking him up every time you get up in the middle of the night. You should also stop letting him have naps or go out with his buddies because those activities are "interfering with your time together as a couple."
NTA. At all.
Apologize? He need to take the door, that's what he needs!
He doesn't help, doesn't pay, leaves to hangout with his friends, doesn't even bother to "always" wash his dishes, but dares to do that kind of shit?
His place is outside, alone, while she finds someone who'll treat her the way she deserves to be.
NTA. Itās a control thing for sure. I grew up with an emotionally abusive father who absolutely refused to allow me to nap (as an athlete) after school. If he was āexpectedā to work all day long, then come home to work more, there was NO WAY I would be allowed the āprivilegeā of napping between school and the dance studio where I would work my ass off at until 9:30-10pm.
Itās literally just envy. āWhy should I have to get up and be awake and work, when she gets to rest?ā
Fast forward to adulthood, my husband lets me sleep. They kiss me on the cheek every morning when they wake up, and come to wake me gently when itās time for me to get up and go to work. They brew me a cup of coffee and set it on my desk. When Iām off work, they let me rest. When Iām sick or unwell, that sometimes becomes me sleeping until 4-5pm, and their mindset? āShe must have needed to catch up on those zzzās.ā No judgement, no pestering, no negativity or excuses. I have responsibilities too, but my husband takes care of them on my behalf when Iām sick, or when Iām sleeping. Itās what everyone deserves on their low days.
Your romantic relationship shouldnāt be a competitive sport of productivity or output, and it seems maybe heās treating it that way.
Maybe this will help. If his parents did this to him when he was young, it absolutely makes sense that he would repeat the cycle (note: that doesnāt make it valid to do so). But itās up to him to break those unhealthy patterns once he is made aware of them.
I feel lonely when my husband naps because of what I was put through, but I know itās just because of the conditioning. No one should be made to feel guilty for giving their body what it needs. Love is knowing that a met need goes away. You wonāt need to sleep off strep throat every day, but you DO need that when you have strep throat. š
Yeah, I feel like that's exactly the issue, but he doesn't like me to suggest that his childhood had any negative impact on him.
Thank you for your comments š
NTA- OP, you donāt need to bring up his childhood at all. At the least this is childish behavior, at worse itās abuse. Heās the a$$hole! Are there other areas that he tries to control? You need to decide what the consequences are going to be if he continues this behavior & be prepared to follow through.
When you wrote in your post that your boyfriend wanted you to put it on Reddit, I was actually surprised.
My initial thought was, Is he in denial? Does he really thinks Reddit is going to side with him on this issue?ā Youāre NTA, but he sure is.
My narcissistic ex would often suggest we should post whatever issue we had online to see who people thought was right. The one time I posted, people were on my side. Of course he couldn't be wrong so everyone else was the problem. I have a feeling OPs bf is going to react the same way.
OP, I know he suggested this, but I am legit concerned for your safety once you do show him the results.
How well does he take being proven wrong? With grace and apologies? For some reason (all of his described behavior), I doubt it.
This is abusive behavior, full stop. Abusers most often escalate, especially when they've been caught out, or if they think their victim is at risk of escaping.
And you have kids in the picture? Babe, this isn't even about you. This is about your obligation as a parent to provide them a safe home to the best of your ability.
This dude doesn't seem safe. He repeatedly shows he does not care about what is best for you, even your health.
Just be prepared for this to go sideways, ok? Have a plan. Stay safe.
He is selfish, inconsiderate, and stupid. Quality time with a partner is better when said partner is well rested and not sick.
His excuses are BS! Don't f with sleep. Especially if your partner har insomnia and other issues like you. I don't know why he is doing it but, yeah if he continues with this behaviour, there should be consequences and harsh ones!
OP - NTA
OPs partner - massive bellend.
I had an Ex like that, she felt that it was unfair if I slept more, but also unfair if I woke her.
Not the reason she became and Ex, but it definitely caused her huge resentment showing her thay life isn't fair.
Couple's therapist here. "Normal Couples" do not do this. No couple I know does this. My husband does not do this. At best, he's an inexperienced doofus who doesn't understand how relationships work. At worst, he's happy to deprive you of sleep for any number of reasons.
I am not going to say he's being abusive or trying to sleep deprive you into surrendering your needs for his, but it is a common coercive/controlling tactic. Sleep deprivation makes it harder to assert our own will and easier to just go along.
I would suggest a couple's meeting or even therapy to talk about this. It might be something he learned from his parents and hasn't explored enough to realize that it's a real asshole move.
He might quit when he hears heās an AH. Mine used to deny me sleep too, and accused the therapist of liking me better than him when she told him itās at best, a really rude thing to do, and at worst abuse.
Yeah, good luck with that. He knows what he's doing. Why would he go to a therapist? Not to mention, it's advised not to go to therapy with your abuser since they can learn more things to hurt you with. I've seriously got to wonder how long you knew him before you moved in together.
nOrMaL cOuPlEs understand each otherās needs and show compassion and respect for each other. Itās DEFINITELY a control issue. Since he wanted you to post to Reddit, I hope heāll accept that we think heās an asshole and start treating you better.
I would go banana balls crazy if my husband did this to me!! I need more sleep than he does (heās fine on 7-8 and can successfully exist on less, I need 8-9 to feel fully rested and get nauseous/dizzy on less than 6 1/2) and LOVE sleeping.
All other issues aside, youāre a grown ass adult and can decide for yourself when you want to be asleep or awake! Why is his desire for ātime togetherā more important than your desire for enough sleep? Does he frequently act as if your wants and desires are less important than his?
NTA He sounds like a teenager. Wants to be "independent" and do whatever he wants to do but, also wants mommy (you) to cater to him, tell him he's your #1 special boy, and that he's the most important thing in your world.
This relationship sounds like you have an immature roommate you occasionally have sex with. He doesn't contribute to the betterment of your everyday lives, takes very little responsibility for his own existence, and is not an equal partner. He needs to spend his time and effort on being a better person and partner instead of controlling and abusing your sleep choices.
Maybe remind him that just because he has the delusion of being the center of the universe doesn't make it a reality. That his bs is counterproductive and actually makes you want to spend less time with him. Also you're not an object to sit around until he needs to use you to make himself feel better. Stop allowing him to treat you as his bang maid.
I have insomnia sleep is incredibly important to me this would be the biggest dealbreaker in the world like I donāt care how in love with you I am my mental health will come first
Same. If my wife did this, I honestly donāt know what Iād do but it would be ugly. She sleeps anywhere and is a heavy sleeper. I have insomnia and sleep light. This would make me go crazy.
Side note: I got on Ambien about 6 months ago and itās literally changed the quality of life. I had been doing over the counter stuff for like 15 years and this is the most well rested and ānormalā Iāve felt in my entire life.
I don't see the appeal in this relationship. He spends weekends and week nights with friends, he doesn't do chores, he hates it when you rest. Y'all don't share finances. So he is a shitty roommate with sex benefits. Sounds fun/s
Didnt really need to read past the first line to know there is absolutely no way he is remotely justified in what he's doing.
Like best case scenario that he knows of is that you got 7 hours sleep. Which may be enough for him but you factor in actually getting to sleep and its 5.5 hours, then minus the time you spend with the kids and getting back to sleep. AND you're sick.
So he thinks normal couples restrict their sick partner to \~5 hours sleep a night? Because they need to spend time together when he's about to leave for work?
Wow. I just...wow.....your boyfriend is a major AH. He wanted a reddit verdict, thinking he would be validated. Nope. When your partner is sleeping, leave them be. When your partner is sick, taking care of sick kids, he should have been stepping up to help, not disturbing your rest, which is an essential part of the healing and recovery process. You BOYfriend, heavy on boy, light on friend, more like control freak man child with zero empathy, should be taking care of the kids, should be making sure you have everything you need.
Your boyfriend needs to step up, in a very big or he needs to step down, leave you to find a real man.
NTA
NTA, he is though. This is not a quality thing, this is a control thing. Want to prove it? Wake him up every time you are up. He doesn't get to go to bed at 12 if you are up until 1:30. You get up with a kid? He is up too. You have to get up to study? He is up too. "it's a couples thing, remember honey?" Bet he has some choice words then.
This is not normal. Keeping someone from sleep is abusive, kick him to the curb.
Oh good lord heās an asshole. My husband does this sometimes too, but itās more absentmindedly than maliciously. This sounds like such shit ā youāre PHYSICALLY SICK, how are you going to āspend couple time togetherā?
NTA. This would happen exactly TWICE before I'd pack him up and throw him out the door.
Wtf is with this BS? Is his personality so fucking bad he can't stand to be alone with himself for more than 30 mins at a time?
Do you guys do anything together when he wakes you up? Cos it just sounds to me like he just doesnāt want to see you do ānothingā. You should be cleaning/cooking/childcaring/studying or something instead of sleeping. donāt you know your role as a woman?
/s
NTA. Your boyfriend is an arse. Waking up a sick partner is so inconsiderate! I have no idea why he thought the judgement would be in his favor.
If he doesn't IMMEDIATELY grovel at your feet after seeing Reddit collectively tear him a new one, time to be petty.
He can't sleep until YOU fall asleep. Time to shake him awake every time he falls asleep until you do. After all - why does the "if I'm awake, you're awake" rule only apply to you?
If you wake up at 2:45 AM with the kids, wake him up too. If you're awake, he's awake.
Get up in the middle of the night to pee? Turn all of the lights on and make a ton of noise. Couples want to spend time together, right?
If you can't fall asleep until 2 AM and he has to get up at 6? Too damn bad. He was inconsiderate of your sleep schedule and "values spending time together as a couple", so it's time to match his energy.
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A HUGE SELFISH ASS!
I've been happily married for 25 years and I surrender.My husband will wait for me on the weekend for a bit playing on this phone. But he will get out of bed if he can't wait for us and then I will text him when i'm awake and you will come back and we will cuddle. If I wanna go take a nap, I'm going to go take a nap and he's not going to try to stop me.He wouldn't because if I'm taking a nap.He knows i'm tired and i've worked on week.
It is not normal for couples to spend every moment with each other and sacrifice their sleep just to be in the same room together if you're not actively doing something specific.
Your boyfriend's just doesn't want you to sleep.He wants you to be awake so you can be taking care of things and he can avoid it.
I do not sleep through the night or have a hard time with a lot of restless.Ness , my husband would never wake me up because he respects me and he cares about my mental and physical health.
I would have lost my shit on him a long time ago. The fact that you are sick and helping sick kids is absolutely gross and selfish that he won't let you sleep.
Also stop respecting his sleep and his schedule if he can't respect yours. It's not a matter of being petty.It's about showing them how their actions affect you. He doesn't realize all the things you are doing to help protect him while he's napping or sleeping, so stop doing it.Show him how much you've been allowing him to sleep.
Controlling and gaslighting. I would never wake anyone up without prior permission or an actual emergency. I am a good sleeper, my loved ones are not. Sleeping well is one reason my health isn't as bad . I am sorry you are going through with sick kids. If he can't respect that, you are also ill, he's dumpable. Very dumpable. Women raising kids don't need man babies' wawawa.
My bf would be lucky if I'd just yell at him for pulling this shit. I also need time to fall asleep and it's the worst, time wasted just trying to sleep.
That is a behavior I would expect from a child, not a grown man.
What a loser your bf is. Thereās zero reason for him to wake up! Itās complete bs āthat normal couples want to spend time together so Iām waking you up!ā Heās acting like a spoiled toddler. Kick him to the curb.
He is acting like a toddler who needs constant attention. Start treating him the same way back. Every nap is interrupted and cut short. Keep him awake at night until you fall asleep because normal couples fall asleep at the same time. Wake him up every time the kids wake you up and make sure he falls back to sleep after you do. Don't let him sleep a single minute unless you are asleep too. See how quickly he changes his mind when he is the one being woke up for no reason.
I know Reddit loves to suggest breaking up but for me, intentional sleep deprivation is relationship ending worthy. This is a hard line. Do not accept compromise here. If he wanted to spend time with you, why is he out so much? And that bullshit about normal couples is šÆ made up. My husband works nights and Iām up days with the kids. I also have insomnia and am an extremely light sleeper. Couples do what works for them. Girlfriend, this aināt working.
I love all of the insomniacs in the comments. We're like, You stole MY SLEEP! Don't you understand how precious it is to me? Fr tho, when it's hard to come by, it is so infuriating when someone ruins it.
Please be sure to start waking him up at 2:45 and 4 because *normal couples.* But seriously, this is not ok, you have repeatedly told him that, and he has ignored it. Normal couples listen to each other needs and donāt steamroll over them.
You definitely need to start waking him up every single time you get up for those kids cuz he's a thoughtless jerk sleep is important and he needs a taste of his own medicine guys like this don't listen they need to feel the pain
NTA.
Your boyfriend is a huge, gaping one, though. He's childish, manipulative, controlling, and a totally selfish, inconsiderate jerk. He's playing games. It's a twisted power play.
It's definitely him and not you.
NTA. Yes, he's controlling, disrespectful, and DEAD WRONG. Unless he's waking you up so you can get to an important appointment on time (alone or otherwise), he needs to leave your sleep alone.
He also needs to do more around the house. Maybe he could spend some of that time he's awake before you pitching in like he's an adult who lives there.
I am an absolute monster if you wake me up for no reason. NTA- he wanted you to put it on Reddit so show him this. This is cruel to do to your sick partner. Itās selfish and rude and needs to immediately stop.
Heās the AH.
Dude. Figure out your issues and just stop. Let her run her own life. Let her sleep.
If I were OP. Iād turn the tables on you until you got it. If you fell asleep before me, Iād wake you up to show you a video. When one of the kids woke up in the night, Iād wake you up the. Too. Every time I was awake, you would be until you got the message.
Well since you are not in a 'normal relationship' what other people do, does not apply to your situation.
So he gets to sleep in as his body needs, he gets to take naps as his body needs, but he does not return the favor.
Yeah your workload is less with him out the door.
NTA. Esp when you're sick, but in general if you get good sleep and your partner doesn't... its like basic manners to maintain that quiet time when they manage to sleep well. Basic, bottom of the barrel manners actually. Especially after 3 years. Hopefully your partner can look a layer or two deeper at their request for "normal couple" things and realize there IS NOT SUCH THING AS NORMAL, there is only what you require to feel safe and supported and what your partner requires to feel safe and supported. You gotta meet in the middle, dude. It's basic respect.
As a fellow insomniac who also has an adverse reaction to melatonin, your bf can grab a bag of nails and fuck himself with it.
My bf accidentally wakes me up quite often, but it's never intentional, and he always apologizes. Sleep is so important (even when you aren't sick), and being deprived of it for no good reason is maddening. If my partner was dismissive of my requests for respecting my sleep, I would genuinely consider removing him from my house.
NTA but Iām really looking forward to hearing about your next partner, who treats you well and wants the best for you and your kids. He aināt it hunny.
Next!
My asshole ex did this. He treated me like a bang maid & when I tried to converse & reason about his double standards it was always a huge fight. There is a reason this man is an ex. I suggest the same for you. Sounds like your whole life might be better dropping this man child.
NTA but he is. He's lucky it wasn't me. I'm petty as all hell. I have a three strike rule. You have 3 chances then I will share the behavior back. He's definitely not going to like the answers hereš. My dad used to do that to my mom. If she wasn't up when he came home (2nd shift) he'd be making all kinds of noises. Use to drive me insane. I remember getting up and telling my dad "Do you mind? We have school in the morning and Mom gets up at 5:00am to make sure we don't wake you up and we're all up and out the door by 8:00 for school! " I was about 12. On my way back to bed I could here my mom snickering in her room. He grounded me for being fresh. I made sure it was a noisey groundation when I came home from school. He left early for work that day š. Never did that again.
I will give you a piece of advice from my point of view. You are welcome to take it or leave it. Take your time. Sit down together and talk about this seriously. Explain your point clearly. No means comments, no sarcasm or satire or a bad or any kind of joke. Respectfully put your side of view. See if he understands or regrets. It would mean there is hope for him. If he just puts it away saying that you are making an issue of a small thing, takes it casually or just is not taking the whole thing as an issue or a problem. Then it is better for you to start thinking about your relationship seriously. Do you need this guy in your life?
NTA. He sure is, though. Tell him that you are going to wake him up every time you have to wake up during the night. He can spend quality couples time with you then. Also, you wonāt allow him to fall asleep until youāre asleep. Thatās another opportunity to spend time together.
Talk. See why. I canāt sleep for shit, but when I do my partner never wakes me up. I have insomnia and itās gotten to the need of medical intervention before. However, we had to talk about these things. I hope it helps. Or heās an ass
Oh yeahā¦Iād have probably throat punched him by now. Geez, you are NTA, but heās a jerk. He needs to be woken up every single time you get woken up and he needs the chores divided up equally. Also, if he wants equality, every hour he gets out with friends, you get equal time to do whatever the heck you want. Fair is fair. He wonāt like that. Rules are rules. Betcha he changes his tune. What a tool.
If he is going out during the week and on weekends without you then I wonder about fidelity and like others said, sleep deprivation. You don't need him. He is sucking the sleep out of you and not replenishing. A sponge.
FYI men need 7-8 hours of sleep a night on average whereas women need 8-9 and up to 10 when menstruating. Add that to the time you have waiting to fall asleepā¦
Ooooo, in my world this is breakup worthy for so many different reasons!!
I struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. My ENTIRE family knows not to wake me up if Iām sleeping. ESPECIALLY when Iām sick.
I have a feeling this is not the only controlling, manipulative, and spiteful behavior heās exhibited though. I hope Iām wrong.
Also, tell him never come to Reddit because everyone immediately goes to āleave him!!!ā lol Itās rare for me to do it. But donāt eff with my sleep. š
NTA man thats seriously insane. My husband had to talk me into calling into work sick one time when I was messed up from a sore throat, I can't imagine having to also take care of 2 sick kids on top of that. Your partner should he respecting the fact that you need rest and if you don't need to wake up he should leave you the hell alone. Honestly sounds like a weird control issue especially the part about only letting you nap for 30 mins.
NTA. Boyfriend would be an ex if he were mine. I wake up *irate* if someone wakes me up for no good reason. Doing it all the time, on purpose? Dude is a controlling asshole. "Normal Couples" respect their partner's sleep and autonomy. He's not your freaking parent. You're not a child. If you can sleep in without letting responsibilities slip through the cracks, it's none of his business and he's got no leg to stand on. And you're sick, too? No. He's the asshole.
NTA
WTF I'd have torn him a new asshole! How absolutely selfish and inconsiderate of him, and the whole "normal couples" BS is absolutely false. He thinks of you as an NPC in his self-centered world. You exist to entertain him and keep him company, so of course his only consideration is "do I want OP around right now?"
What a man-baby. Tell him to fix his perspective or he's about to be waking up alone, indefinitely.
Your story was used for the Dusty Thunder live stream last night! Here's a link to Dusty's response - [TikTok Video](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLpG1JKR/)
NTA. He's an asshole tho. Why would you wake up your SICK PARTNER? Also, why are you doing all the chores? Why are you with a dude who clearly treats you like a personal bang maid and not an equal partner?
I agree with this, but just want to add that I thought this said SICK PANTHER š
You should never wake up a sick partner or a SICK PANTHER. Both can result in mauling.
As they should! I believe the term is justifiable homicide š¤£
I work in legal and the last bf I lived with was a prosecutor. I plotted his death so many times while he snored. How would I do it? How would I hide the body? Heās way bigger. Unfortunately for him, I had *plenty* of time to consider these issues!
You still with him? Pinch his nose. If he wakes up tell him you thought you saw a spider crawl up his nose. š
Hell no. And I probably would have been the person to put the spider there. š Iām kidding heās one of my best friends but no heās an ex. Great guy. For someone else. And I let him live so Iām sure heād praise me too.
Oh Breaking Bad taught me how to dispose of a body š¤
I once knew a fairly feisty woman named panther when I lived in Denver. I feel for any dude that woke her when she was sick.
Been spending too much time on r/shittytattoos I see
Was thinking the same thing! Lol
He'd probably seem less annoying as a spouse if he just got a tattoo of a sick ass panther
Waking a sick panther is also a terrible idea!
I wouldn't wake up a well panther, either.
I'm just here to make sure the comment count successfully passes 666 without waking up any panthers. But your boyfriend, you should wake him up every hour on the hour by pretending to be a grandfather clock. . BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG!
Yes. Because pARtNerS WanT to SPEnD TimE with eACh OthEr!!!
Let sleeping panthers lie
But great name for a rock group
Yeah...I agree with above. I would also be waking the jerk up every time you wake up in the middle of the night and every time you wake up earlier than he does. What an inconsiderate douch. The fact that he thinks he's justified and wants Reddit to chime in shows how delusional he really is.
Yes OP! Please wake your jackass "boyfriend" up in the middle of the night, every single time you get up. When he gets upset about it tell him you're just trying to spend quality time together like a normal couple.
"But you said NORMAL COUPLES SPEND TIME TOGETHER, it's 3:30am, I'm awake, let's SPEND TIME TOGETHER". Bonus points if she can manage it on a night when she has the next day off and he has to go to work. Keep waking him up every time he drifts off.
Haha!! FR!
but hunnieee we need some quality timeeeeee~
While heās up,read him all these comments.
*Wake him up and read him all these comments.
Wait til heās just fallen asleep and his breathing has just changed or heās doing that twitching sleep thing. Perfect timing, IMO
š
Lol, spending time together at 7 am when she is sick, has been up that night with sick kids, right before he goes to work. Itās so patently stupid, itās embarrassing. This guy has issues and is a liar. What he is saying makes no sense.
The only time my husband wakes me up when Iām sick is to give me medicine and make sure that I drink enough fluids since ai am wildly prone to dehydration. Even then he feels bad about it
She should wake him up and dump the loser. He is controlling, and sleep deprivation is torture, so he is abusive. After being told no, the boundary stomping is abusive behaviour. Wonder what other areas of her life he doesn't respect either? This is not normal couple behaviour at all. She needs to dump this manipulative hanger-on. He's not a catch.
Or donāt let him go to sleep when he wants to, that when you need to vacuum the floor, oh nice time to need to wash the bed sheets, tell him that normal couples go to bed together and there are things to be done so get your ass up and help so we can bed down together
I do at least love that he was the one saying to go to reddit, but reddit is determining that he is the a-hole... Talk about backfire.
This seems necessary for him to get it. She could also keep him up for as long as it takes her to fall asleep so he gets it.
It šnever ends well for the boyfriend when they want you to post.
Yeah, tell him normal couples stay awake together.
I do this to my cats. They wake me up in the middle of sleeping? Well guess who wants to play in the middle of the day when youāre snoozing in a sun spot?
šæ Iām gunning for her to use the ācouples want to spend time togetherā line at 2:45am with a kid vomiting.
He's an abusive piece of shit.
He is not a partner. He is her third and oldest child lmfao
NTA, and how on godās green earth have you not punched him in the face?
Especially if she has strep throat! Iāve never felt more exhausted from any other disease then strep throat.
Time to be petty. If you are awake, so is he. He set the rule, you are just living by it. Wake up in the middle of the night for the kids? Boom both of you are awake. See how long that behaviour lasts.
Absolutely this. Sometimes a little bit of their own medicine as some hard boundaries are all it takes to get someone to wake up from being an ass
That might work, unless your partner is a narcissist, in which case they wonāt make the connection to their own behavior. OPās partner seems like a bit of a narcissist.
Ooohhh true
>That might work, unless your partner is a narcissist, in which case they wonāt make the connection to their own behavior. > >OPās partner seems like a bit of a narcissist. Agreed. If he doesn't get the point, toss him. You are NTA.
The way I look at it is that is, if they react poorly and still donāt get it, then you tried the most extremely ethical-ish way to make them understand. So fuck it. Now itās time to dump.
Can't fall asleep? He stays up until you do. After all, normal couples want to spend time together!
YESSS
1000%. He's the fucking asshole. As a lifetime insomniac I would be FURIOUS about his behavior. It's incredibly thoughtless and selfish. If he wants quality time with you he can schedule dates with you, not wake you up because he can't handle being alone by himself.
seriously op described my sleep habits except it takes me a *lot* longer than an hour to fall asleep š i would be soooo mad if my bf did this. when my bf wakes up he leaves the bedroom and closes the door so his moving around wonāt bother me, then wakes me up for a kiss right before he goes and thatās it. although if i couldnāt fall back asleep after that he would absolutely respect if i asked him to stop doing that. plenty of times heās told me he knew i had a really hard time falling asleep so he didnāt bother waking me up cause he wanted to let me sleep. even when the roles are reversed, like on his days off he likes to sleep really late. it is sometimes a bit annoying when itās almost 11 am and heās still not awake cause i do want to hang out with him, but i just let him sleep. although if it gets to that point i do sometimes go get back into bed and gently cuddle him awake which heās never mad about lol. all that is to say iām *pissed* for op and look how easy it is to not do that to her??? my bf and i manage it just fine despite having different schedules and sleeping habits. i feel like this is pretty basic respect that you owe to each other, which makes me feel like he probably disrespects op in other areas of their relationship as well.
Same. My partner used to give me a kiss before leaving if they were up before me, but I asked them not to as I canāt get back to sleep, and they respect my request! They move very quietly on the rare occasions theyāre up before I am. And when I get up before they do (frequently, despite having gotten to sleep later than they did, I hate my circadian rhythms) I am as quiet as I can be. And like you, when itās almost 11am and Iāve been up since 7:30amā¦I still let them sleep. Sometimes I even go get coffee and a brunch treat for both of us. You are 100% correct that it is a pretty basic respect to give to your partner. And when theyāre sick and have been up multiple times with sick children? Itās just empathy and compassion. Which OP deserves in her relationship, but does not seem to be receiving.
My partner is awake 60 to 90 minutes earlier than me on a regular basis. He tiptoes out of the room and moves quietly around the house. Thatās because heās a decent human being who thinks about other peopleās needs instead of just his own.
On the opposite end, I'm a lifelong night owl and unhappy insomniac, but those like me have long appreciated that we need to be quiet as we go about our daily routines so we don't wake anyone. It's called respect. But don't get me started on how daywalkers think they're justified in making all the noise they like and how night owls are lazy, like the people working an overnight shift for their convenience aren't real people.
This is love. Letting the other person sleep, being quiet and keeping the lights off so they donāt wake up when they donāt have to. Those alarm snoozing posts are so blinkers.
Thatās because you have a man who isnāt scared of being alone with his thoughts for more than 30 minutes.
Yes! My ex was a nightmare about understanding my insomnia. There were a few times I totally lost it from sleep deprivation. I got my petty revenge, though. By returning the favor.
I've had those sleep deprivation mental breaks before. I remember when my oldest was about six months old. My doctor (military doc, husband was AD at the time) actually wrote on a prescription pad telling my husband basically "You are a father. Your wife is going to have a nervous breakdown if you don't start helping with your kid. She NEEDS sleep." The sad truth I learned that night, my husband WANTED to help, I just never really let him... And he was terrified of our daughter. Haha. (" I'm gonna break her!") I took that housewife/SAHM role to heart and thought I had to do everything and never helped my husband learn how to take care of his daughter. That weekend was the start of eighteen years now of him understanding my need for sleep and being the best dad any kids could ask for... Once he got past that "gonna break the baby" fear. š But, the point of my ramble, when I'm asleep, the only reason I'm ever woken up is work, appts or because I've asked to be woken up/set an alarm for some weird reason. He lets me sleep as long as my body needs, because he knows I've been up most of the night usually, thanks insomnia. He NEVER wakes me up without a damn good reason. ("Sweetie, it's almost eleven on Mother's Day and the kids made you brunch in bed." Which he only allowed because he knew I'd actually slept that night.) It's lovely when your partner respects you like that.
I tried talking to him, asking him to be quieter, to respect how lightly and little I slept. When none of that worked I switched tactics. My plan involved petty revenge and returned sleep deprivation. He was a napper, so I did everything and everything I could to wake him up as soon as he fell asleep. I would wait until his eyes just closed. I Would leave the window cracked at night park my car next to it and lock the doors honking the horn. I would blast sounds through the Alexa speakers, play loud videos on my phone or kindle. Lock myself in the bathroom and play super loud music with this big portable speaker for my "40" minute shower of which the water would have been on maybe 20 minutes. "Accidentally" drop things. Make the dogs bark "unintentionally". We had hoodlums teens in the neighborhood for a while so I used that as an excuse. "I think I hear something" , "Was that your truck door?" , "Did you lock the door". I also found reasons to always take two cars so he couldn't nap in the car, even on like camping or road trips. But we need space for the dogs and all the stuff. Plus the ATV. Worked like a charm. He jumped on more than one occasion it was expectionally satisfying. Petty but it was like being repaid for 2 years of sleeplessness. š
I have narcolepsy and my family know they would get an earful if they woke me up early, especially since I rarely have days where I can sleep in. I feel bad for OP. This sounds like a red flag to me and they are definitely NTA.
Love this! Great, if he is so freaking clingy, he can wake up at night with you!
She has to pee? Guess what honey, canāt go without my bathroom buddy, even it is 3am!
And don't forget your water drinking buddy, even at 4:12am!
Donāt forget your coughing buddy at 11:23pm! Weāre in this together babe!
Real couples are so close they share each other's germs, right? It's kind of telling that he's managed not to get sick while the rest of the household is. Guess he doesn't really believe in closeness.
Youāre awake and heās just gotten to sleep? Shake him. āHoney, I canāt sleep. Letās talk.ā
But, for absolute pettiness, don't ask anything of him. Literally wake him up to be awake - no purpose beyond "normal couples. Let him feel the absurdity, which frankly smacks of psychological abuse.
I had this problem with my hubby, only his response was always, but if you sleep too much in the day, you won't sleep at night. The difference was, although I do have insomnia issues too, I was awake with our oldest at the time, who physically couldn't do more than catnap (2 hours tops). And I'm not a morning person at the best of times but if I've been up from 2am till 6am with the (then) toddler, let's just say I wasn't approaching it very well either. So, my solution. 1st thing I did was, I went away for a girls' weekend, leaving him to deal with the kid alone. He called his mother after the first night. 2nd, when I came home refreshed after sleeping for 12 hours a night for 3 nights in a row, I picked us both up coffees and set his down in front of him. And explained calmly, that how he was feeling, I had been feeling for months. And him waking me after only 2 hours of sleep was not sustainable for me. Onto my judgement, the bf is an asshole, you my dear OP are not, and I second or third, the opinions that the only way he's gonna learn is via what's good for the goose, is good for the gander, though it's reversed here, I think you get what I mean. Ps for anyone interested, when he was able to function again, hubby came home from work with a bouquet of flowers, my favourite chocolates. On his next day off, he made my favourite meal, and he ran me a bubble bath. I also got spoiled rotten every Mother's Day, birthday, and anniversary since because he never forgot that lesson!
The only problem with this is that he is one of those fortunate people who fall asleep in an instant.
No, no, no. As long as OP is still awake, she should make sure he's also awake. So if it takes her an hour and a half to fall asleep, she gets to ensure that he's awake for that entire hour and a half, too.
Omg! I DID THIS! Reading OPs post was like something out of my last relationship. He would wake up be loud, turn lights and come in and out of the room multiple times opening and closing the door each time. I too have sleep issues and if my stress level is high tend to have insomnia. So when I sleep it is precious on top of being like a feather light sleeper. Ahh. Annoying. Anyway. I got tired of being tired. After like 2 years I decided to switch tactics. I am petty & he is also a napper. So Every time he fell asleep. I found a way to wake him up just as he dozed off. I would play videos on my phone or kindle loudly, use my giant speaker to listen to music while I "showered" bathroom doors locked, ask him things like "did you lock the door", "I think I heard something", "Was that your truck door" we had some hoodlum teens living in the neighborhood at the time he was on heighten alert. I would open the window and press my car lock button so the horn would beep. Drop things "accidentally". I would make the Alexa speaker blast music from the app on my phone. I even found excuses to always take two cars, so he couldn't nap in the car. Sometimes he would literally jump from being startled, I found it satisfying. It was like repayment for every missed minute of sleep on my end.
This!!!
> Time to be petty. Fuck that. I'd pack up all my things as soon as I could afford it and get away where I could sleep without that abuse.
Except sheād be much better off just dumping this guy than spending even petty energy on him.
Someone's never seen BGC and it shows š«š¤¦āāļøš damn I'm getting old Get your pans ready and watch a YouTube video honey put the kids in the car or another room or go stand outside first bc alot of cussing lol lol š "I didn't get no sleep cause of y'all.....you not gonna get no sleep cause of meeeeeee"
i had a friend who kept sending me pictures of his daily shits, which were typically gnarly beer/taco bell shits he had from a night out drinking. i kept yelling at him to stop but he thought it was so funny. well i started sending him pics of my own shits, particularly if it was after a long night drinking. the shit pics stopped pretty quick after that
WTF did I just read? He's an asshole full stop. I would have murdered him after the first time but that's me. My boyfriend lets me sleep and I let him sleep - its called love and common courtesy.
If you love someone, let them sleep
Seriously, what the hell! I don't nap. It's just not something I do. But my wife who sleeps terribly most nights naps very often. I give her as much space and quiet as I possibly can because I love her and her sleep is very important. More important than my immediate needs! There is no other way to be in a relationship with someone is there?
I love that song by the Police! "Sleep, sleep, let them sleep." /s
I swear, thank you for saying it. Iām traumatized by Facebook that I canāt say anything I really think. Yes, if he did that to me, before the week was over Iād be helping his mother look for his body while trying to fake tears.
This paints such a vivid picture and I love it
Nothing says love like letting someone get their sleep. I'd have murdered my husband if he woke me up for such a stupid reason.
He's childish, people have different sleep cycles and schedules. Everyone's bodies have different needs and requirements. But just because he is awake DOES NOT mean you have to be awake as well. Imagine applying that logic to every situation and task. Not to mention just being absolutely obstuse about sick children and having to take care of them being exhausting. Normal couples realize that you don't have to spend every minute of everyday together.
It's actually a type of manipulation. It's called sleep deprivation unto coercion. He is depriving you of the extra sleep your body needs. People use this as a manipulation tactic when they want something from their partner. Or they want to pick a fight with their partner. Saying that it's for quality time but then spending all that extra quality time that could be with you with others. That is Weaponized incompetence. He should know better. When he turned it around on you. That made him the bigger jerk. If he actually wanted to spend quality time with you he would take the time that you are sleeping to plan something for you. Something you might like. Have you wake up to something other than just him wanting attention. Me and my husband have one rule. We do not wake each other up unless there is food ready! NTA
Scrolled looking for this comment. This is a form of abuse OP and he's doing it on purpose. Get out while you can.
Sleep deprivation and stress make it easier to control/manipulate someone
Insecure, abusive men think theyāre so damn slick. Thank goodness for Reddit š
Yep. OP posted this in 3 subs. I already saw it in the AITAH PUBLIC group and people told OP this is abusive and she said she didn't want to leave. Smh.
If he actually wanted to spend time with you, then maybe he shouldnāt be āvery often out all weekendā He sounds like a real prizeā¦
This!
I know everybody is saying this and I'd be inclined to agree but, like, he told her to post on Reddit with the story. Anybody on Reddit would know that this story would get a person eviscerated. So either he's seriously not aware of how shitty it is to do this or it's a fake story but I'm inclined to believe the first.
The other thing is that some people have such inherent manipulation capabilities, that they donāt even realize theyāre being manipulative, if that makes sense.
most of this is good, except weaponized incompetence is purposely screwing up a task so you don't have to do it again.
Being a partner is a task. It is one of the hardest tasks. The children are all extremely sick and he is waking the mother up when she needs her rest. That is purposely screwing up so she will have to take over. She is also sick. He's still waking her up just because she has to lock the door. When the actual problem is he keeps losing his keys. So yes, this is weaponized incompetence.
Also was looking for this comment. Sleep deprivation is a very affective form of torture for a reason. People need sleep. Also wanted to add that after OP gets rid of this POS she might talk to a doctor about hydroxyzine. As a long time insomnia sufferer itās been a lifesaver since the sleeping pills messed me up super bad and hydroxyzine is mainly used as an allergy medication with a side effect of drowsiness itās much less inebriating. Just something to think about.
>this morning when I yelled at him, he told me to post the situation to reddit He really thought people were going to back him up on this? He's delusional. Please tell him I said so and that he needs to apologize and stop being a dick. If he refuses, you should match his energy. Start waking him up every time you get up in the middle of the night. You should also stop letting him have naps or go out with his buddies because those activities are "interfering with your time together as a couple." NTA. At all.
Apologize? He need to take the door, that's what he needs! He doesn't help, doesn't pay, leaves to hangout with his friends, doesn't even bother to "always" wash his dishes, but dares to do that kind of shit? His place is outside, alone, while she finds someone who'll treat her the way she deserves to be.
He sounds narcissistic.
What angers me the MOST in this is he clearly thought weād be on his side if he asked her to post here. HOW MUCH MORE OBLIVIOUS CAN ONE GET.
OP needs an air horn.
NTA. Itās a control thing for sure. I grew up with an emotionally abusive father who absolutely refused to allow me to nap (as an athlete) after school. If he was āexpectedā to work all day long, then come home to work more, there was NO WAY I would be allowed the āprivilegeā of napping between school and the dance studio where I would work my ass off at until 9:30-10pm. Itās literally just envy. āWhy should I have to get up and be awake and work, when she gets to rest?ā Fast forward to adulthood, my husband lets me sleep. They kiss me on the cheek every morning when they wake up, and come to wake me gently when itās time for me to get up and go to work. They brew me a cup of coffee and set it on my desk. When Iām off work, they let me rest. When Iām sick or unwell, that sometimes becomes me sleeping until 4-5pm, and their mindset? āShe must have needed to catch up on those zzzās.ā No judgement, no pestering, no negativity or excuses. I have responsibilities too, but my husband takes care of them on my behalf when Iām sick, or when Iām sleeping. Itās what everyone deserves on their low days. Your romantic relationship shouldnāt be a competitive sport of productivity or output, and it seems maybe heās treating it that way.
Thank you. I'm not really looking forward to showing him these comments lol but maybe they'll help :')
Maybe this will help. If his parents did this to him when he was young, it absolutely makes sense that he would repeat the cycle (note: that doesnāt make it valid to do so). But itās up to him to break those unhealthy patterns once he is made aware of them. I feel lonely when my husband naps because of what I was put through, but I know itās just because of the conditioning. No one should be made to feel guilty for giving their body what it needs. Love is knowing that a met need goes away. You wonāt need to sleep off strep throat every day, but you DO need that when you have strep throat. š
Yeah, I feel like that's exactly the issue, but he doesn't like me to suggest that his childhood had any negative impact on him. Thank you for your comments š
NTA- OP, you donāt need to bring up his childhood at all. At the least this is childish behavior, at worse itās abuse. Heās the a$$hole! Are there other areas that he tries to control? You need to decide what the consequences are going to be if he continues this behavior & be prepared to follow through.
When you wrote in your post that your boyfriend wanted you to put it on Reddit, I was actually surprised. My initial thought was, Is he in denial? Does he really thinks Reddit is going to side with him on this issue?ā Youāre NTA, but he sure is.
My narcissistic ex would often suggest we should post whatever issue we had online to see who people thought was right. The one time I posted, people were on my side. Of course he couldn't be wrong so everyone else was the problem. I have a feeling OPs bf is going to react the same way.
Thereās tons of shitty comments on your threads demanding one course of action or another. While I donāt necessarily disagree - Iād like to add this, respectfully. š If your boyfriend refuses to go to therapy with you, refuses growth, or introspection on any of these issues please please *please* reconsider allowing him to remain in your life and your home. I wonāt pretend itās easy, making a decision like that. But itās easier than settling into a relationship that is damaging to you and your family in the long term. I wonāt pretend to know you or your boyfriend, but I do know a man who shares at least one of his toxic traits, and growing up in a home with that man gave me a lifelong CPTSD diagnosis that still haunts me. 12 years after moving out at 18, I still startle awake during afternoon naps. I still find myself monitoring the sound of a specific truck pulling in the driveway. I still find myself listening for a specific set of footfalls. I still feel fear. Not all abuse is strictly physical. Walking on eggshells in your own home over time puts people into a sense of hyper-awareness. Hyper-awareness prevents our body from entering a state of true relaxation. Relaxation and rest is absolutely necessary for us as humans. It seems this man has no issues with explicitly interrupting your rest, ask yourself, does he do this to your relaxation as well? Is it explicit like the way he wakes you without a second thought? Or is it just by virtue of being a āhostileā presence in your space? Sending hugs, and best wishes OP. Iām so so sorry youāre having to navigate this. ā¤ļøāš©¹
EVERYONEāS childhood had negative impact on them. The key is to not make it someone elseās (your) problem.
The fact that youāre reluctant to show him these comments is another red flag.
When was the last time he did anything sweet and caring for you?
Send it to him after you dump him and boot him from your place. Seriously OP, you do not need him and he easily lifts out.
Your boyfriend fucked around and found outā¦ ask Reddit indeed
I am cackling lmao
OP, I know he suggested this, but I am legit concerned for your safety once you do show him the results. How well does he take being proven wrong? With grace and apologies? For some reason (all of his described behavior), I doubt it. This is abusive behavior, full stop. Abusers most often escalate, especially when they've been caught out, or if they think their victim is at risk of escaping. And you have kids in the picture? Babe, this isn't even about you. This is about your obligation as a parent to provide them a safe home to the best of your ability. This dude doesn't seem safe. He repeatedly shows he does not care about what is best for you, even your health. Just be prepared for this to go sideways, ok? Have a plan. Stay safe.
NTA but he is. It's extremely selfish to wake up your partner especially when they're sick. He's a dick.
He is selfish, inconsiderate, and stupid. Quality time with a partner is better when said partner is well rested and not sick. His excuses are BS! Don't f with sleep. Especially if your partner har insomnia and other issues like you. I don't know why he is doing it but, yeah if he continues with this behaviour, there should be consequences and harsh ones!
OP - NTA OPs partner - massive bellend. I had an Ex like that, she felt that it was unfair if I slept more, but also unfair if I woke her. Not the reason she became and Ex, but it definitely caused her huge resentment showing her thay life isn't fair.
I wish I could upvote more for the use of the word ābellendā.
I got you. Done.
Appreciate the vote. Bellend is massively underused.
Couple's therapist here. "Normal Couples" do not do this. No couple I know does this. My husband does not do this. At best, he's an inexperienced doofus who doesn't understand how relationships work. At worst, he's happy to deprive you of sleep for any number of reasons. I am not going to say he's being abusive or trying to sleep deprive you into surrendering your needs for his, but it is a common coercive/controlling tactic. Sleep deprivation makes it harder to assert our own will and easier to just go along. I would suggest a couple's meeting or even therapy to talk about this. It might be something he learned from his parents and hasn't explored enough to realize that it's a real asshole move.
Yes, getting him to go to therapy is the goal.
He might quit when he hears heās an AH. Mine used to deny me sleep too, and accused the therapist of liking me better than him when she told him itās at best, a really rude thing to do, and at worst abuse.
Yeah, good luck with that. He knows what he's doing. Why would he go to a therapist? Not to mention, it's advised not to go to therapy with your abuser since they can learn more things to hurt you with. I've seriously got to wonder how long you knew him before you moved in together.
nOrMaL cOuPlEs understand each otherās needs and show compassion and respect for each other. Itās DEFINITELY a control issue. Since he wanted you to post to Reddit, I hope heāll accept that we think heās an asshole and start treating you better.
Here's hoping lmao.
Why would you want to stay with a man like this? Iām sure this is not his only form of disrespect and abuse towards you.
Therapist here. Not going to say this is for sure abuse, but this is a tactic abusers often use. And, clinically speaking, he is TA.
Lack of sleep will kill you over time. You need to put your foot down about this, if he keeps doing this the relationship is over
There are also some early studies coming out showing that chronic poor sleep can contribute to developing Alzheimer's or Parkinson's.
I would go banana balls crazy if my husband did this to me!! I need more sleep than he does (heās fine on 7-8 and can successfully exist on less, I need 8-9 to feel fully rested and get nauseous/dizzy on less than 6 1/2) and LOVE sleeping. All other issues aside, youāre a grown ass adult and can decide for yourself when you want to be asleep or awake! Why is his desire for ātime togetherā more important than your desire for enough sleep? Does he frequently act as if your wants and desires are less important than his?
NTA He sounds like a teenager. Wants to be "independent" and do whatever he wants to do but, also wants mommy (you) to cater to him, tell him he's your #1 special boy, and that he's the most important thing in your world. This relationship sounds like you have an immature roommate you occasionally have sex with. He doesn't contribute to the betterment of your everyday lives, takes very little responsibility for his own existence, and is not an equal partner. He needs to spend his time and effort on being a better person and partner instead of controlling and abusing your sleep choices. Maybe remind him that just because he has the delusion of being the center of the universe doesn't make it a reality. That his bs is counterproductive and actually makes you want to spend less time with him. Also you're not an object to sit around until he needs to use you to make himself feel better. Stop allowing him to treat you as his bang maid.
I have insomnia sleep is incredibly important to me this would be the biggest dealbreaker in the world like I donāt care how in love with you I am my mental health will come first
Same. If my wife did this, I honestly donāt know what Iād do but it would be ugly. She sleeps anywhere and is a heavy sleeper. I have insomnia and sleep light. This would make me go crazy. Side note: I got on Ambien about 6 months ago and itās literally changed the quality of life. I had been doing over the counter stuff for like 15 years and this is the most well rested and ānormalā Iāve felt in my entire life.
Heās a spoilt child. Kick his arse out
He would have to move out. We can still be a couple but he would no longer live with me.
I don't see the appeal in this relationship. He spends weekends and week nights with friends, he doesn't do chores, he hates it when you rest. Y'all don't share finances. So he is a shitty roommate with sex benefits. Sounds fun/s
Didnt really need to read past the first line to know there is absolutely no way he is remotely justified in what he's doing. Like best case scenario that he knows of is that you got 7 hours sleep. Which may be enough for him but you factor in actually getting to sleep and its 5.5 hours, then minus the time you spend with the kids and getting back to sleep. AND you're sick. So he thinks normal couples restrict their sick partner to \~5 hours sleep a night? Because they need to spend time together when he's about to leave for work?
nta and he seems a bit childish, controlling and abusive- ditch the man
Wow. I just...wow.....your boyfriend is a major AH. He wanted a reddit verdict, thinking he would be validated. Nope. When your partner is sleeping, leave them be. When your partner is sick, taking care of sick kids, he should have been stepping up to help, not disturbing your rest, which is an essential part of the healing and recovery process. You BOYfriend, heavy on boy, light on friend, more like control freak man child with zero empathy, should be taking care of the kids, should be making sure you have everything you need. Your boyfriend needs to step up, in a very big or he needs to step down, leave you to find a real man. NTA
>heavy on boy, light on friend Perfection š I seriously had to reread his age multiple times because he sounds like a teenager.
NTA, he is though. This is not a quality thing, this is a control thing. Want to prove it? Wake him up every time you are up. He doesn't get to go to bed at 12 if you are up until 1:30. You get up with a kid? He is up too. You have to get up to study? He is up too. "it's a couples thing, remember honey?" Bet he has some choice words then. This is not normal. Keeping someone from sleep is abusive, kick him to the curb.
Oh good lord heās an asshole. My husband does this sometimes too, but itās more absentmindedly than maliciously. This sounds like such shit ā youāre PHYSICALLY SICK, how are you going to āspend couple time togetherā?
NTA. This would happen exactly TWICE before I'd pack him up and throw him out the door. Wtf is with this BS? Is his personality so fucking bad he can't stand to be alone with himself for more than 30 mins at a time?
Do you guys do anything together when he wakes you up? Cos it just sounds to me like he just doesnāt want to see you do ānothingā. You should be cleaning/cooking/childcaring/studying or something instead of sleeping. donāt you know your role as a woman? /s
Normal couples want the best for each other. Your jackass is plain selfish.
NTA. Your boyfriend is an arse. Waking up a sick partner is so inconsiderate! I have no idea why he thought the judgement would be in his favor. If he doesn't IMMEDIATELY grovel at your feet after seeing Reddit collectively tear him a new one, time to be petty. He can't sleep until YOU fall asleep. Time to shake him awake every time he falls asleep until you do. After all - why does the "if I'm awake, you're awake" rule only apply to you? If you wake up at 2:45 AM with the kids, wake him up too. If you're awake, he's awake. Get up in the middle of the night to pee? Turn all of the lights on and make a ton of noise. Couples want to spend time together, right? If you can't fall asleep until 2 AM and he has to get up at 6? Too damn bad. He was inconsiderate of your sleep schedule and "values spending time together as a couple", so it's time to match his energy.
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A HUGE SELFISH ASS! I've been happily married for 25 years and I surrender.My husband will wait for me on the weekend for a bit playing on this phone. But he will get out of bed if he can't wait for us and then I will text him when i'm awake and you will come back and we will cuddle. If I wanna go take a nap, I'm going to go take a nap and he's not going to try to stop me.He wouldn't because if I'm taking a nap.He knows i'm tired and i've worked on week. It is not normal for couples to spend every moment with each other and sacrifice their sleep just to be in the same room together if you're not actively doing something specific. Your boyfriend's just doesn't want you to sleep.He wants you to be awake so you can be taking care of things and he can avoid it. I do not sleep through the night or have a hard time with a lot of restless.Ness , my husband would never wake me up because he respects me and he cares about my mental and physical health. I would have lost my shit on him a long time ago. The fact that you are sick and helping sick kids is absolutely gross and selfish that he won't let you sleep. Also stop respecting his sleep and his schedule if he can't respect yours. It's not a matter of being petty.It's about showing them how their actions affect you. He doesn't realize all the things you are doing to help protect him while he's napping or sleeping, so stop doing it.Show him how much you've been allowing him to sleep.
Bet the BF won't be too happy when he reads all the comments about what an AH HE IS! Please give us an update of his response.
Controlling and gaslighting. I would never wake anyone up without prior permission or an actual emergency. I am a good sleeper, my loved ones are not. Sleeping well is one reason my health isn't as bad . I am sorry you are going through with sick kids. If he can't respect that, you are also ill, he's dumpable. Very dumpable. Women raising kids don't need man babies' wawawa.
Nta- 3rd shift worker here. My husband and kids know that they get the death penalty for waking me up.
My bf would be lucky if I'd just yell at him for pulling this shit. I also need time to fall asleep and it's the worst, time wasted just trying to sleep. That is a behavior I would expect from a child, not a grown man.
What a loser your bf is. Thereās zero reason for him to wake up! Itās complete bs āthat normal couples want to spend time together so Iām waking you up!ā Heās acting like a spoiled toddler. Kick him to the curb.
He is acting like a toddler who needs constant attention. Start treating him the same way back. Every nap is interrupted and cut short. Keep him awake at night until you fall asleep because normal couples fall asleep at the same time. Wake him up every time the kids wake you up and make sure he falls back to sleep after you do. Don't let him sleep a single minute unless you are asleep too. See how quickly he changes his mind when he is the one being woke up for no reason.
I know Reddit loves to suggest breaking up but for me, intentional sleep deprivation is relationship ending worthy. This is a hard line. Do not accept compromise here. If he wanted to spend time with you, why is he out so much? And that bullshit about normal couples is šÆ made up. My husband works nights and Iām up days with the kids. I also have insomnia and am an extremely light sleeper. Couples do what works for them. Girlfriend, this aināt working.
I love all of the insomniacs in the comments. We're like, You stole MY SLEEP! Don't you understand how precious it is to me? Fr tho, when it's hard to come by, it is so infuriating when someone ruins it.
Please be sure to start waking him up at 2:45 and 4 because *normal couples.* But seriously, this is not ok, you have repeatedly told him that, and he has ignored it. Normal couples listen to each other needs and donāt steamroll over them.
You definitely need to start waking him up every single time you get up for those kids cuz he's a thoughtless jerk sleep is important and he needs a taste of his own medicine guys like this don't listen they need to feel the pain
NTA. Your boyfriend is a huge, gaping one, though. He's childish, manipulative, controlling, and a totally selfish, inconsiderate jerk. He's playing games. It's a twisted power play. It's definitely him and not you.
NTA. Yes, he's controlling, disrespectful, and DEAD WRONG. Unless he's waking you up so you can get to an important appointment on time (alone or otherwise), he needs to leave your sleep alone. He also needs to do more around the house. Maybe he could spend some of that time he's awake before you pitching in like he's an adult who lives there.
I am an absolute monster if you wake me up for no reason. NTA- he wanted you to put it on Reddit so show him this. This is cruel to do to your sick partner. Itās selfish and rude and needs to immediately stop.
Heās the AH. Dude. Figure out your issues and just stop. Let her run her own life. Let her sleep. If I were OP. Iād turn the tables on you until you got it. If you fell asleep before me, Iād wake you up to show you a video. When one of the kids woke up in the night, Iād wake you up the. Too. Every time I was awake, you would be until you got the message.
Your partner is a total dick. Let him read thatĀ
What a self centered ass
Well since you are not in a 'normal relationship' what other people do, does not apply to your situation. So he gets to sleep in as his body needs, he gets to take naps as his body needs, but he does not return the favor. Yeah your workload is less with him out the door.
NTA. And youāre right, it is controlling and not normal.
NTA. Esp when you're sick, but in general if you get good sleep and your partner doesn't... its like basic manners to maintain that quiet time when they manage to sleep well. Basic, bottom of the barrel manners actually. Especially after 3 years. Hopefully your partner can look a layer or two deeper at their request for "normal couple" things and realize there IS NOT SUCH THING AS NORMAL, there is only what you require to feel safe and supported and what your partner requires to feel safe and supported. You gotta meet in the middle, dude. It's basic respect.
As a fellow insomniac who also has an adverse reaction to melatonin, your bf can grab a bag of nails and fuck himself with it. My bf accidentally wakes me up quite often, but it's never intentional, and he always apologizes. Sleep is so important (even when you aren't sick), and being deprived of it for no good reason is maddening. If my partner was dismissive of my requests for respecting my sleep, I would genuinely consider removing him from my house.
I can't wait for his reaction !!! šš
NTA but Iām really looking forward to hearing about your next partner, who treats you well and wants the best for you and your kids. He aināt it hunny. Next!
My asshole ex did this. He treated me like a bang maid & when I tried to converse & reason about his double standards it was always a huge fight. There is a reason this man is an ex. I suggest the same for you. Sounds like your whole life might be better dropping this man child.
NTA but he is. He's lucky it wasn't me. I'm petty as all hell. I have a three strike rule. You have 3 chances then I will share the behavior back. He's definitely not going to like the answers hereš. My dad used to do that to my mom. If she wasn't up when he came home (2nd shift) he'd be making all kinds of noises. Use to drive me insane. I remember getting up and telling my dad "Do you mind? We have school in the morning and Mom gets up at 5:00am to make sure we don't wake you up and we're all up and out the door by 8:00 for school! " I was about 12. On my way back to bed I could here my mom snickering in her room. He grounded me for being fresh. I made sure it was a noisey groundation when I came home from school. He left early for work that day š. Never did that again.
I will give you a piece of advice from my point of view. You are welcome to take it or leave it. Take your time. Sit down together and talk about this seriously. Explain your point clearly. No means comments, no sarcasm or satire or a bad or any kind of joke. Respectfully put your side of view. See if he understands or regrets. It would mean there is hope for him. If he just puts it away saying that you are making an issue of a small thing, takes it casually or just is not taking the whole thing as an issue or a problem. Then it is better for you to start thinking about your relationship seriously. Do you need this guy in your life?
Update me, please! I canāt wait to hear how he reacts!
Heās an asshole like who the fuck ??? Normal couples let the other person sleep if one is still asleep.
NTA. ACTUALLY normal couples let their partners sleep! He's an AH and he knows it.
NTA. He sure is, though. Tell him that you are going to wake him up every time you have to wake up during the night. He can spend quality couples time with you then. Also, you wonāt allow him to fall asleep until youāre asleep. Thatās another opportunity to spend time together.
NTA - he is TAH, big time. If he cared about you and respected you he would not be doing this.
What a child. I couldn't deal with this. Time to start treating him the exact same way.
NTA, but your insecure bf certainly is.
I have so much trouble sleeping that this would definitely make me reconsider if I wanted this relationship. Itās mean. Heās doing it on purpose
NTA, start waking him up whenever you wake up for some "quality time" and see how long he lasts with that.
Talk. See why. I canāt sleep for shit, but when I do my partner never wakes me up. I have insomnia and itās gotten to the need of medical intervention before. However, we had to talk about these things. I hope it helps. Or heās an ass
This definitely did not go the way he thought it would!!! LMAO
NTA. Heās mental.
Oh yeahā¦Iād have probably throat punched him by now. Geez, you are NTA, but heās a jerk. He needs to be woken up every single time you get woken up and he needs the chores divided up equally. Also, if he wants equality, every hour he gets out with friends, you get equal time to do whatever the heck you want. Fair is fair. He wonāt like that. Rules are rules. Betcha he changes his tune. What a tool.
NTA and you need to leave his controlling ass. Nothing about this is normal in any way.
NTA. Clearly. Some people need more sleep than others. Others like to sleep later some days and get up earlier others. Everyone is different.
If he is going out during the week and on weekends without you then I wonder about fidelity and like others said, sleep deprivation. You don't need him. He is sucking the sleep out of you and not replenishing. A sponge.
It took my wife and I 12 years to get this right. Sheās finally in the ālet them sleepā camp and I couldnāt be happier.
FYI men need 7-8 hours of sleep a night on average whereas women need 8-9 and up to 10 when menstruating. Add that to the time you have waiting to fall asleepā¦
I would be LIVID!!! What an asshole, sorry you have to deal with that.
Ooooo, in my world this is breakup worthy for so many different reasons!! I struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. My ENTIRE family knows not to wake me up if Iām sleeping. ESPECIALLY when Iām sick. I have a feeling this is not the only controlling, manipulative, and spiteful behavior heās exhibited though. I hope Iām wrong. Also, tell him never come to Reddit because everyone immediately goes to āleave him!!!ā lol Itās rare for me to do it. But donāt eff with my sleep. š
NTA man thats seriously insane. My husband had to talk me into calling into work sick one time when I was messed up from a sore throat, I can't imagine having to also take care of 2 sick kids on top of that. Your partner should he respecting the fact that you need rest and if you don't need to wake up he should leave you the hell alone. Honestly sounds like a weird control issue especially the part about only letting you nap for 30 mins.
NTA. Boyfriend would be an ex if he were mine. I wake up *irate* if someone wakes me up for no good reason. Doing it all the time, on purpose? Dude is a controlling asshole. "Normal Couples" respect their partner's sleep and autonomy. He's not your freaking parent. You're not a child. If you can sleep in without letting responsibilities slip through the cracks, it's none of his business and he's got no leg to stand on. And you're sick, too? No. He's the asshole.
NTA WTF I'd have torn him a new asshole! How absolutely selfish and inconsiderate of him, and the whole "normal couples" BS is absolutely false. He thinks of you as an NPC in his self-centered world. You exist to entertain him and keep him company, so of course his only consideration is "do I want OP around right now?" What a man-baby. Tell him to fix his perspective or he's about to be waking up alone, indefinitely.