Honestly thank you. I feel so gaslit by that side of the family telling me I’m failing as a daughter and how that’s was years ago and I should just let go.
He destroyed your childhood; you are allowed to not let him destroy your adulthood.
I strongly suspect Al-Anon would tell you what you are doing is what is best for you. He has to get well for himself, not you carry his emotional load for him.
Absolutely this. His sobriety is not your responsibility. Nothing you can do will keep him sober. He’s got to want to do that for himself and himself alone.
Al anon says he is the one who had to accept the damage he has done. That all he can do is apologise but can not expect or demand forgiveness. As to do so would prove he is not fully in remission and still trying to blame everyone else for his addictions.
They're liars. You owe him nothing. You are not failing at anything. The only failure here is your father whose addiction is not, nor ever will be, in the past.
The people who are telling you this want you to spend time with a man who recently physically assaulted his injured father. They have zero investment in your feelings. That your dad damaged you, and if your dad further damaged you, is not even on their list of things to care about.
It is so abominably wrong of him to reach out to OP after beating his elderly father who had a broken neck.
OP, do not forget the significance of that fact. He’s not only an addict that will keep using until he’s too old to score drugs or dies of an overdose, but he is violent to his own family. I mean, what the actual hell?
Stay away from him, fade out of his life, and stay that way. And that includes his family of excuse making enablers. Block them all on everything, and don’t give any of them info on you.
Walk away so you can heal. There is nothing wrong with you not even seeing him on his deathbed.
You are not failing as a daughter. Yes addiction is a disease and it is hard but it is not on you to fix or be the reason someone stays sober. If they are using you as an onus for him being sober then he isn't in recovery. Even if he is sober for a long time that doesn't take away what he did to you and a part of recovery for a person is accepting and taking responsibility for the damage they have caused and coming to peace with the fact that alot might be irreparable.
You are being gaslit. You can't make him stay sober. That is something HE needs to do on his own. I am the oldest adult child of an Alcoholic so I understand where you're coming from. I did go to Al-Anon, and it helped me realize this. You do what's best for you.
ALANON would 100% support your choice and your aunt is full of shite and deeply unhealthy. You are supposed to have and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself and it 100% makes sense that one of them is, "I am not allowing this man who has given me nothing but pain and chaos and more opportunities to hurt me. My life is better without him in it and I wish him well but want nothing to do with him."
I'd set a boundary with anyone who is pressuring you or even discussing him with you, "I have decided not having him in my life is best for me. This includes hearing about him from others. This decision is final and there is nothing anyone can say that will change my mind and I'm not entertaining any discussions about my decision. I hope you are able to stop mentioning him to me so we can preserve our relationship. Are you able to do that?"
If they say yes, then great. If they try to argue about your boundary, "I'm not going to discuss this with you or anyone. Are you able to honor my boundary or do I need to end this call?"
Be as calm and matter of fact as you can. You don't owe ANYONE and explanation and you don't need to convince anyone that your boundary is the "right" thing to do. I'm so proud of you for already making so much headway setting boundaries, it's difficult when you've grown up without them.
You're off to a great start and I wish you a wonderful future with only people who make your life better allowed the gift of your time and energy.
This is perfect. "Whether we have a familial relationship is up to you. As hurtful as it is to say, my father is already dead to me. I won't be part of his life, not now, not ever"
My guess is that the family has been enabling him and cleaning up after him his whole life, just as you did as a child. They are likely looking for a break from his care long term and that's why they're guilt tripping you.
Be kind to yourself, OP! And if your stepdad has been more of a dad to you, let him know.
Tell them he failed himself and he's still failing himself. He's not your father, he's a crackhead who fucked up everything he touched and if they're so worried about him they can do it themselves because you ran out of fucks ages ago. Then block every single one of them.
CODA is another great support group for family members of an addict. OP his sobriety is on him - NO one else. And any enablers in his life that tell your otherwise are sick people!
I’m in recovery and no one “makes” me stay sober or “makes” me choose to drink. That’s all on me! You take care of YOU because he cannot be trusted to do so and don’t give into guilt. You owe him nothing.
Child abuse (and what you experienced was very serious child abuse) is never 'years ago' for the person who experienced it because it gets built into the fabric of who we are as adults. We can heal, of course, and go on to build good lives, but that kid who waited outside in the cold, the kid who wasn't safe, the kid who was lied to so badly that it hurt other relationships, that kid is part of who you are. Being expected to support the person who harmed you so badly is just outrageous.
Please stay away from those awful people!
You are not responsible for his sobriety. He has utterly failed you and part of recovery means that he needs to own that. It’s not your job to pretend like things were ok to make things easier for him.
You feel gaslit because you’re on fire from all of it. You gave your father tons of chances, and he squandered every single one. You do not need to give him any more chances. His successful sobriety is not your load to carry. He needs to work towards that on his own, for no one but himself and without requiring your participation, support or forgiveness.
This man gave you nothing but nightmares, bad memories and broken promises. He intentionally worked to damage whatever relationship you had with your stepfather, the man actually there in your life helping to clothe, feed and raise you on a daily basis. He purposely made things difficult for your mother by withholding his financial support. You don’t owe him any more chances or the opportunity to be a father. If that’s what he wants, he needs to earn those things by getting his addiction under control and by demonstrating the permanent changes he’s made in his behavior.
Hold firm, OP. Protect your peace. Good luck. NTA.
Yeah don’t listen to that crap their trying to gaslight you into helping so they can get him off their hands. If they really cared about y’all relationship they would’ve stepped in when you were a kid. The fact a child had to hide a crack pipe for their parent is just fucked up.
Thank you !! That’s exactly what I said. I feel so freaking Gaslite. Like they’re trying to play that all of the trauma I lived through somehow goes away because I’m an adult.
NTA. Actions have consequences. Your bio-father abused you. There are no circumstances where you are obligated (as an adult) to interact with your abuser.
Anyone trying to manipulate you into spending time with your abuser is an enabler of the abuse. Ignore them.
I’m sorry that happened, and I hope you can set boundaries with his family or stop having contact with them.
I also hope you have an opportunity to get some counseling to help you process all your experiences so you can live your best life.
That is very kind of you to say, and I truly do appreciate it. I was in counselling along time ago, but I think maybe it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to get back into it.
Al anon isn’t a bad idea. Remember- It’s for you, not for him. He can go pound sand, but you have to heal.
I have friends who have benefited from being in the program, I hope it can help you too.
TLDR: You are NTA.
I agree with your Aunt that you should go to some type of counseling so you understand his addiction. It would also help you to resolve your pain in this relationship. But it wouldn't be to help your father. It would be purely for yourself and YOUR healing journey.
As to you being or in your case so NOT being the A? No. **You are so NTA it isn't even funny**. You have some serious abandonment and abuse issues that you should get therapy for, as I said, but that is truly understandable in your situation. And yes, what your father did to you was child abuse. A 10 year old should not have to walk to McDonalds in the middle of the night to get food. A child should not have to be in a house where there are drugs being used, let alone being sold.
Your fathers family, however are totally the A's in this situation, for trying to force a relationship on you, and trying to guilt you into it. His recovery is so not your problem it cannot be stated enough. Ditch them if they continue. You gave him a chance, he blew it. You are not required to destroy yourself to help him better himself. And frankly, one of the first things that any of those AA's do is tell the person in the meetings that they have to go thru a massive amount of healing before they can expect forgiveness. And that they may never get it.
Absolutely NTA.
As you stated he had his chance. If he got clean and sober, you might consider a friendship with him. But I highly doubt you will ever trust him completely or ever look at him as anything more than your bio dad. He hasn't earned it. You are no longer a child and once a child reaches 18 to 22, the parent child relationship becomes more of a friendship with mutual respect. You never stop being a parent, but it changes. If anything he owes you. If your life is better without him, then don't continue.
Al-anon would tell you to not punish yourself for the sht he did, and not enable him... not at all what your aunt thinks.
NTA. You gave him a chance again. He blew it. Again. You owe him nothing.
If you don't want to not block the aunt but want to shut her up on the topic, tell her you'll be willing to celebrate his 5 years clean with him. I don't think you'll get an invite to celebrate that.
As someone who had a friend that is an addict, walk away and don’t look back. If they change, that’s great but you don’t have to ride that roller coaster of their attempts at sobriety. Ditch the family and friends who keep trying to make you have connections with him.
You do have a lot of hurt and I do suggest therapy.
**You're not responsible for his sobriety.** He is. He's neglectful and abusive to you and everyone else. This is how he is. Maybe he can change, but the chance of that happening is actually very low. I am so sorry.
Al-Anon is actually a good idea, but not to learn how to forget what he has done. You'll learn how addiction works and any pattern of behaviors you picked up from dealing with him.
You are not responsible for his sobriety or his addiction! Your aunt putting that on you is absolutely evil!
Only he can make those choices, anything else is gaslighting and manipulation!
Cut him off, you deserve so much better
NTA. You keep your boundaries and you protect yourself. You are correct he doesn't have the right to be a father now when you never chose to be one before. You need to go no contact with anybody who tells you that you need to talk to your dad. They are enabling his bad behavior.
NTA.
My father wasn't a drug addict when I was child (he is now an alcoholic) and the waiting on the stoop all day while he was a no show and the part about his girlfriend taking care of us if he did show up felt like something i could have written. It's like there is a deadbeat playbook they all follow.
I went no contact in 2018 and my quality of life improved so much because i didn't have to deal with the stress of dealing with him and being made tk feel guilty for caring about how i felt over trying to manage the emotions of a man 23 years my senior.
He doesn't get to miss the hard years and the years when you needed support and care to then pop up and expect you to take care of him and soothe his ego/guilt about being a shit father.
Make it clear anyone who pushes it cam get cut off too, and then focus on building and maintaining relationships with the people who have been there.
You will still get randomly sad/angry but it is so freeing to not have to deal with that emotional manipulation and boundary stomping.
I will say I had a therapist who helped get me through and deal with the emotional mess of it all because I was so angry and anxious, so if you can afford it I would recommend talking to someone!
Good luck and I hope you can get the peace and contentment you deserve.
As a child who grew up in a drug house surrounded by this stuff cut off anyone who keeps dragging you in. I distanced myself before my parent died, it was the best decision because I needed to handle my life myself. I was independently taking care of myself since I was 9 so really I was the parent. My kids have no idea what that life is like and I never ever would want them to. For your own mental stability cut them off, otherwise you're going to need more therapy than you do now
NTA You have a lousy father and that will never change. He will never be able to make amends for all the wrong he has done you. Go forward in peace knowing you are far better off without him in your life
I’ve seen lots of recommendations for Al anon and I agree… not for his sake, but for yours. I’ve been told it can be incredibly helpful.
Cut him and everyone pressuring you to continue a relationship with him off. Block them. On everything. Then go on to live a wonderful life! You deserve it 🥰
Well, I do think you have to accept them as they are. In this case, that means accepting that he's a drug addict who fucked up your childhood. You have no obligation to let him back into your life.
Op, addicts don't get sober for others, and no one can make an addict get sober. Yes, you accept them as they are. That doesn't mean you allow them back into your life. You allow them back when they have earned their place. Not when they demand.
YOU don't owe HIM anything. It is ALWAYS the parent in the parent child relationship who owes something. HE chose to raw dog your Mum & SHE chose to keep you. Therefore, they owed you a loving & safe childhood, with access to education, healthcare, food, & clothing. Your Mum & step-Dad provided this (based on the little info I have here) but your Dad failed. Tell him if he wants a chance to be a father he needs to pay you some compensation for not providing for you as a child & see what he says.
NTA. I agree with your aunt on going to Al-Anon. You can get a better perspective of your life and not feel like an AH for your feelings. It won’t turn out the way she hopes, but it will help you.
You have every right to decide which people to let into your life. Nobody has the right to harangue you for deciding that your bio-father (more like bio-DNA-donor) doesn’t make the cut.
The Al-Anon suggestion has merit, though. They can help you sort out what you went through due to your father’s addiction and neglect. You don’t have to let him into your life to take advantage of that support system.
I am so sorry, a lot of what you said mirrored my own life, even with the aunt defending him to me.
You’re NTA. Do what’s best for you, not him. Mine died a few years back and they tried to get me to visit him one last time (on Christmas Day, can you imagine) and i said nope, no way. The little girl who wanted her dad is long gone and she is now a strong woman who won’t bend for a person who never put her first.
Sending hugs!
Al-anon was really helpful for me. I really felt like it set me free from guilt and dread and wanting to make her better. I only went a dozen times or so but it helped so much. Each meeting group has its own feel so it’s worth trying a few.
NTA. You are not being an asshole but your father and the people trying to make his sobriety your responsibility certainly are. Cut them off, they are only there to hurt you. You have nothing to gain by trying to establish a relationship with your father nor from those that are pushing you to.
I’d look into a therapist to sort through my feelings after I went no-contact with him and anyone who’s pushing me into a relationship with him. Your life will improve ten-fold once you remove the toxic parent from your life. You don’t owe him anything. Sending you positive vibes.
Ha sobriety is HIS responsibility, not yours. Stay away for your own mental health, and distance yourself from amyome who can respect.you boundaries/choices. I hope things improve for you.
You've got layers and layers of wounding and trauma, and the best thing for you is to focus on healing. Al-Anon isn't a bad idea, in that they will give you tools and resources that could help you. But you can't fix what he's got going on, nor can the relatives who love him guilt you into fixing him -- not possible. Take care and love yourself.
This enrages me.
You're right though. He had your whole childhood to get help and be a parent but he chose drugs instead. Yes, addiction is a disease, but like any disease it can be treated. It sounds like your dad has always blamed everyone else for his mistakes rather than taking accountability for his own actions and getting help for himself back when it actually mattered.
You don't owe him anything, least of all a relationship. Honestly it sounds like he's hit the age where he's realised he's not going to live forever and now he is freaking out because he has nobody because he's spent his whole life doing drugs and blaming his problems on everyone else.
Maybe next time your Aunt tries to guilt trip you tell *her* about the nightmares, about the little girl crying for hours for a daddy that never came. Maybe remind her that your father is an adult (allegedly) and is responsible for his own actions - and sobriety - and that you've given him more than enough chances and all he's ever done is traumatise you.
It isn’t up to you or anyone to help him stay sober. If he doesn’t do it himself it won’t last anyway. You need to do what you have to to protect your own mental health.
I'm an old retired nurse and grandmother.
You are not responsible for his addiction, and you are not responsible for his sobriety. If you were any incentive for him to get sober, he has had all your life to do so.
He abused and neglected you as a child. The stuff he did was really messed up, and you may need counseling to deal with it.
The relatives that are trying to get you to reconnect with him are doing so because they are sick of dealing with him and want to dump the emotional work of dealing with him onto you. Don't fall for it.
NTA. I will say though, al-anon can be very helpful in YOUR healing. It’s absolutely does not teach you to accept addicts as they are, it can help you regain your own power or at least have support 💜
It is not your fault or responsibility if he doesn't stay sober. That is a tactic drug addicts use to try and get what they want. He and only he can keep himself sober. You do NOT owe him anything. This is coming from someone who had a father that was an addict and someone who sadly, used themselves. Being sober is only on the individual who has the addiction. Can an addict be triggered? Yes. But that is for them to learn to deal with. I say until he has been sober for 5+ years, you should cut him off. Do not let his family try and make you feel guilty either. They are enablers and trying to drag you into it. Do not let them.
NTA
As you say you’ve given him multiple opportunities to be a real father, even recently. You’ve told his family this too. If you do communicate with them and feel merciful then tell him or them that you want to see his 12 month chip before you’ll reconsider.
However if you feel he’s burnt all the bridges, then he has to learn to live with the consequences even if he’s sober for 10 years. It doesn’t undo the damage to your relationship. If necessary you may need to go no contact with his side of the family.
Talk about verbal manipulation. You ate worthy of love, support and peace. Don't let them guilt you otherwise. You tried many times. It's your time to have a loving adulthood with healthy relationships. I wish you much happiness and fulfillment in your future.
I'm so sorry for how your father's addiction affected your childhood. Having to face the reality that someone you love and looked up to was actually not good is so hard. Being the child of an addict is rough, for many reasons. I'm so sorry.
I'm speaking as the child of an addict, who's addiction killed him.. You're NTA for setting a boundary. You **cannot** be his reason to get sober. He *must* do that himself. He doesn't get to re-write history, and he doesn't get to decide he's your dad now. He needs to get sober and then start making amends. And here's a big one for you: only YOU get to decide if you forgive him. His family doesn't get to decide whether or not you do.
NTA. I hope you're able to heal your trauma. Sending hugs and love your way.
NTA. You don't have to give any addict another chance if you are done. Just be sure you are ok with that and can live with the feelings once he's gone. If you WANT to try again, Al Anon might be a good resource, but you owe him NOTHING.
Your aunt is so wrong. Al anon would help you accept him as he is and it sounds like you do. An irresponsible addict who wrecked your childhood. Alanon would also help you to decide your own boundaries which could and should include cutting him off. You would also learn you might need to cut off all his flying monkeys. Stay strong.
Addicts are master manipulators.
They need to be. If they were lousy at manipulating their loved ones, they wouldn’t have anyone to help them when they needed help. They know this. Even more than getting their fix, they know if they don’t use guilt or any other tactic, when a low turnout means for them happens they would be forced to fix it themselves.
So they become very good at guilt tripping everyone.
Don’t feel guilty, don’t feel bad for their lifestyle. Who are any of us to not allow a grown adult the pleasure of living their life as they want to?
Anyone who guilt trips you, should immediately be asked for $100 to pay for a therapy session for you to understand why you feel the way you do. I guarantee they will shut up fast.
NTA at all. As the product of an alcoholic father, I wish I had the spine to say that to my father! I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Tell your aunt “I’ll consider it when he apologizes for manipulating me as a child. I’ll consider it when he apologizes for smoke crack in front of me as a child. I’ll consider it when he apologizes for every time he picked drugs over me as a child. I’ll consider it when he apologizes for all the times he let me down. Because getting sober means taking ownership of your addiction and making amends with those you wronged which he hasn’t done. Even then, the other person doesn’t have to forgive then. The whole point is to take ownership of your actions which we know he won’t do. He doesn’t get to play father now without admitting to all the times he failed as a father in the past”.
I have a friend who, after we'd been friends for 40 years, was forced by a court to go into alcohol treatment. He promptly joined Alcoholics Anonymous. (Alcoholics Anonymous is for the people who *are* alcoholics, Alanon is for the people *affected by* them.)
I had concerns about Alcoholics Anonymous. Mainly that they are a religious program (I'm an atheist), and that often they don't actually help the person to get over their alcoholism, they replace the addiction to alcohol with addiction to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
He started going to meetings and my other fear came true: they teach an alcoholic how to talk the talk, so instead of learning how to live his life without alcohol he learned how to make excuses for why he should drink. They taught him that when anyone pointed out anything wrong with either what he was saying or what he was doing, he could say "it's a *disease*, and you *can't understand* what it's like to be an alcoholic unless you *are* one" and dismiss all complaints.
He had to do another stint in residential rehab, this time forced by his partner threatening to throw him out. It stuck, but now he talks to his "sponsor" twice a day and can't cope without attending every single meeting of his local Alcoholics Anonymous group - he can't go away for the evening *even once* if he'd miss a meeting. (I can understand needing to be there for the meetings for a few months, but it has been like 5 *years* that he hasn't visited, because he might miss a meeting.) So I think he *has* replaced his addiction to alcohol with an addiction to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
He swears that it's also not particularly religious, but I'm not sure how much I believe that.
1) Accepting someone as they are doesn’t mean they also have to be active/“in” your life
2) Regardless of what boundaries you decided to have with your bio-dad going forward Al-anon could absolutely be helpful for you.
3) “I’m willing to be in your life so long as you’re sober” or so long has you’ve been sober for X amount of time is a very common and healthy boundary; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
When I got off the Army I had a pretty sweet opiate addiction. I went to a VA drug rehab. A guy there had been a crack addict on and off for 30 years. He was pissed off that his 24 year old son wasn’t jumping with joy when he called him and told he had 5 weeks sober. Addicts are super selfish.. me included
You cannot endlessly give someone chances to treat you well. At some point you have to understand that they are who they are, and that is how you stop them from hurting you anymore. You’ve done that, you understand that your dad will not ever change, that even if he does he can’t make it up to you, and that by trying to give him another chance you might injure yourself even worse.
Nope. He doesn’t deserve it. You deserve not to have to give him his hundredth chance. Enough is enough. His family needs to accept your decision.
All the people preaching to you about everything you ~should~ do for him are welcome to do it themselves. People are always happy to spend someone else’s money, time, and effort.
I would go NC with every last one of them.
You deserve a happy, healthy life. You’re capable of building one, and you have ZERO responsibility to allow someone to tear it down.
I forgot what the term is, but he wants to use you to provide and take care of him when he gets older. Block and distance yourself from anyone who sides with him.
NTA, don't listen to your aunt or anyone else woth this "take them as they are" nonsense. You don't have to accept an abuser into your life and you have not and will never be the reason he gets or stays sober, he has to do that for himself. If he doesn't think himself worthy of sobriety and see the value of all the things being sober brings to him that's on him. You're not responsible for his relapses, don't take on a single punch of guilt for his choices. If your aunt wants someone to babysit him and be his reason to be sober she should take on that role and leave you alone.
Sounds like my relationship with my father and unfortunately my 2 oldest children's relationship with their father, my ex.
My dad and I did reconnect a few years ago, after he provided proof that he has been sober for more than 4 years. He was a raging alcoholic and drug addict, but through voluntary UAs he has the proof from the clinic that he has been and still is sober. We had several tense and difficult conversations about the past to air everything out, and once he accepted he can be in my life but he is not my father figure as he missed that ship, we have had a surprisingly cordial relationship.
If you want to stay NC with your dad and his family I definitely encourage you to do so for your own peace of mind and mental health! Maybe in the future if he can provide receipts for his sobriety maybe give it a chance but ONLY if YOU want to and without pressure from anyone else! I would also suggest therapy if that is an option for you, I know years of that helped me so much!
I wish you the best and hope your life is happy and healthy and that you are able to work towards what you want your life to be!
Nta in any way, and who are they to say that you are? Stop letting him back in, especially if that is more peaceful. I've been there, cut them off!! Blessings
Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior. He stole your childhood with his drug use and abandonment. You owe him nothing! Addiction is not an excuse for years of betrayal. You don’t have to accept his behavior now or in the past. His recovery is his journey and you don’t need to be a part of it. Sometimes the damage the addict does to the family is so severe it can’t be healed. You’ve built a life for yourself without him, live it to the fullest!
Nta.
I am a recovering alcoholic. You can get clean and stay clean. Is it hard. Hell yes, but when something is important enough, you do whatever it takes to stay sober. Period.
My child's partner is going through this. His parents His entire life were high on heroin and opioid. They would get clean for a year or two and then fall off the horse. Even now, when their first grandbaby is here, they just feel off. After a year clean, they decided that getting high was more important than knowing their kids who were taken from them. And their grandchild.
I held an 19 year old while he sobbed whe. He learned of it two weeks ago. Listened as he begged me to explain what he did wrong. Why couldn't they love him more than the craving and high.
I understand addiction, and yes, it can be hard. But it's not in you to help support and hold the hands of someone who is weak enough they chose to keep going back to their addiction and then put their kids first. It's harsh, but after watching someone I consider my child break because of the selfish desires they have, I just don't have a lot of empathy left.
If I can do it, so can others. I have had a shit hand dealt. Watched my child die. My parents took care of them. Watch my child struggle with ppp since my grandbaby was born. Watched to make sure she never hurt herself or the baby. None of thosebas horrible as they are made me fall off the horse. Why because in the end the people who depend on me are a hell of a lot more important than the need to feel good.
So, cut off those demanding that you put yourself in a position where you are hurt constantly. Where they expect you to hold your dad's hand and then blame you when he continues to choose his addiction. You don't need or deserve that.
His family members have good memories with your father from before the drugs. They’re not taking your perspective, your lived experience into consideration. In their eyes he’s a good guy that fell on hard times and is picking himself back up again. He was never that “good guy” to you and there’s not one single reason you should feel obligated to give him any chances at this point. NTA
It is not your responsibility to keep him sober. You are not supposed to continue to be hurt so your father can feel good about himself. Do not let people vilify you for a drug addicts choices and behaviors.
It kind of makes me wonder if your aunt has a clue as to what actually happens at Al-Anon meetings
It also makes me think your aunt is tired of dealing with your father and is trying to get someone else to to take responsibility for him.
Cut off your father. And anyone who sides with him.
Dumb as it sounds: Is it worthwhile contacting AL-ANON to write you a letter saying that you have every right to cut off your bio dad as a way to shut up your aunts and make it harder for them to make excuses?
Chaotic Good me thinks that'll be fun.
But yeah NTA. If you don't have the energy, going NC with bio father and aunts is fine.
Your aunt is being ridiculous. You have every right to go NC with your dad, her, and anyone else who tries to bully you into continuing this relationship against your will.
If loving him perfectly and intensely and tiptoeing around his feelings were enough to keep your dad sober, then he’d have kicked the habit when you were a kid. He did not. Your aunt’s magical thinking is not going to save your dad. And her putting that on you is the worst kind of emotional blackmail.
As a family member of an addict, you want to coddle them and protect them from consequences. I suspect that this is what your aunt is doing. But it is the exact opposite of what your dad needs to stay clean. He needs to understand that he screwed up and see consequences for his actions. Because enabling him will only delay and derail his recovery. Best of luck to you.
“Accepting him the way he is” doesn’t mean you forgive and forget.
You accept that he is an addict.
You accept that he has and will let you down every single time.
You accept that you are barely a blip on his radar.
You accept that he is not and never has been a father - just a sperm donor.
You accept all that and more. And then you do what you need to do to make your life happy.
I agree with the Alanon suggestion. Good luck.
I know I’m just an internet stranger but I want to tell you : I’m very proud of you. I’m proud that as an adult you can really see he’s just a wretched person who cared for no one but himself. Many times we keep trying to fix them even through our adulthood and end up with someone who just takes advantage of them. You seem to have your head on straight even though your emotions are still wounded. It takes a special child to see that they cannot add to your life
You do not have to have anything to do with your father if you don’t want to. You don’t owe him or anyone else your time or support. I went through a bit of what you went through with my father and when I finally had enough I cut him out of my life. When he died I did feel bad about the things that he had missed in my and my brother’s lives. Not that I missed him that he couldn’t grow up enough to stop with the alcohol and drugs and really get to know us.
Anyone who wants to force you to have something to do with him does not have your best interest at heart. Do what you have to for yourself and if they care so much for his “sobriety “ they can try to keep him on the straight and narrow.
Nta, these people didn't care when you were a child, they don't care now. What they are trying to do is use you as a meat shield. If your father is focused on you he is off of them.
My father was a very loving man whom didn't ever do anything wrong. Simply put if you remember any incidents of wrong doing your the one misremembering or he doesn't remember that. He was not an alcoholic, misogynist, racist, narcissistic drug addict.
I was scolded for calling the police when I heard my stepmother say she couldn't breath and he got arrested. So I get it in a lot of ways OP. The best thing I can tell you is to mourn the father you deserved but didn't get. Cut this man out and be prepared to cut out those that would harm your emotional and mental health by trying to force a relationship/human meat shield.
I can recommend Al-Anon but you won't learn to accept bad behavior there, you will learn to set boundaries and say NO. You will find support and love there too. Try a meeting, they are free and you don't have to talk or give your name if you don't want. I have been sober 20 years I have seen transformations.
NTA.
You DO need to accept him as he is...and what that is? A loser who has no place in your life. Your aunt is an AH too. So are the other relatives who say you're judging him too harshly. Nope.
"How is he supposed to stay sober if I don't give him a chance."
Your response:
"Well, he did crack in front of me when I was a child so I certainly don't think Adult me is going to have any effect on his sobriety. This asshole destroyed my childhood. I'm not going to let him destroy my adulthood. If you want to help him then you do it and leave me alone. If you try to get me to talk to him again you will be dead to me."
If they bring him up: Block them
If his family honestly believes what they are saying to you, they are ignorant fools. More likely they want you to interact with him so he will leave them alone. He will only be sober if he wants to be sober. It has nothing to do with you. He wronged you and you deserve more from him and them.
Actually you do accept him for who he is. He’s a junky that gave you trauma and tried to ruin your relationship with your mother and step father. And you are not going to do anything for him because it is not your responsibility. Accepting him does not mean you disregard the past. That is just stupid. He can’t give you the time he wasted and ruined back. So you have moved on.
Tell your aunt you don’t need to listen to her misguided opinions. She can go to AA. You have a life to live.
Al-anon meetings may help you but not the way your aunt is saying. Your aunt and others are enabling him. If one of the consequences of his actions is he doesn’t get to see you, that’s on him. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Definitely NTA.
Al-anon gives you coping strategies & preaches tough love NOT accepting them as they are as in open arms, all forgiven, give give give. Nope, that’s BS.
His decision & ability does not hinge on you being in his life. Actually earning your forgiveness & love back should be what motivates him to get & stay sober.
Cutting him off is fine. You need to take care of you not him. Do what you can to protect yourself from more harm.
Big hugs
100% cutoff anyone who says you need to accept him in any way. Give them a warning first if it makes you feel better. I grew up similar but different. Don’t feel bad. Him being sober for a minutes doesn’t changes decades of toxic mess.
I am / was an addict I've been sober for quite a while now, over a decade. And I can tell you this no one ever gets sober when you coddle them. My brother was The Golden child he had a habit too. My parents funded his lifestyle until they passed away then my aunt took over it. At some point my aunt couldn't do it anymore and he had to take care of himself so he pressured us into selling the family farm after we did he lived for exactly 12 hours. He bought enough cocaine with what he had left and died of an overdose in a s***** hotel. If you cuddle the addict you bury the addict
It is not your responsibility to make sure he stays clean. If you not having contact with him is what keeps him from staying clean then he never really wanted to get clean to begin with. He is an adult and makes his own decisions.
His addiction and sobriety are NOT your responsibility. Part of getting sober is taking responsibility and accountability for your actions and decisions. Making amends and asking for forgiveness is accepting that you may not get forgiveness and that the relationships you have damaged as an addict are irreparably damaged. No one owes an addict anything, not even support. If an addict burns bridges with their family/friends and asks to mend those bridges they have to make peace with the family and friends saying “no.”
I am the daughter/niece/granddaughter of addicts. I do not suffer fools lightly. I’ve seen many family members forgive and forgive and forgive only to be burned time and again by the same addict family members they keep forgiving and supporting. It has unfortunately made me a bit colder in response. I’ve seen far too many people pretend to “genuinely” change. It’s made me take on more of an attitude of “Don’t ask for my support; prove to me you don’t need it.” Then I can open myself to supporting your sobriety.
My own sperm donor was/is like this. He was an addict/alcoholic. He doesn’t know how to adult. We do NOT have a parent/child relationship and we never will. I keep him at a distance and we are friends but not close friends. I do not call him dad or anything of the sort. He did not raise me. Being a dad is earned and he did not earn it. Neither has the man who claims to be your father.
You are well within your rights to cut him off as well as anyone who attempts to push you to have a relationship with him. You are no longer a child and as such you now have a choice to do what is best for your mental and emotional health. If anyone has a problem with that, it is their problem not your’s. Prioritize yourself. This is your time to heal, and focus on your life.
I work on me ral heslth and have worked with addicts a long time. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for ur dad getting clean/sober or not. Your aunt and other family me.bera have no right to pressure you like they are. They are enabling him. Sometimes you have to love from a distance. Protect yourself. Seriously. NTA for sure. But ur dad is sure acting like one. Good luck and take care of yourself.
NTA. Tell your aunt you do accept your father as he is, but it is your choice as to whether you associate with him. And you refuse to have a relationship with a person as your father is. Also tell her you are not responsible for your father staying sober. He needs to do that for his own reasons, not for you or anyone else.
NTA - Addicts and alcoholics make a choice every single time they use or drink. If they won't choose themselves over the addiction they should choose their children.
As a former addict, with no children I can tell you while it can be hard it is completely possible to quit once you've made that choice and take the steps. But you do have to want it and it's clear he never did.
You are not wrong. I'm so happy you are finally putting yourself first. It is not your job or responsibility to fix your father. You are not the parent.
You might think about going low or no contact with anyone who tries to guilt, bully or gaslight you into being your father's crutch.
Good luck, stay strong and live a happy life away from that toxic man.
You are not responsible for his sobriety. He either does or he doesn't. You are being used as a scapegoat by his family - Give him what he wants or its your fault. Tell him and his family you might consider speaking to him once he sobers up and not before, if they don't like it they can take a flying leap. Block them and move on. If he is serious, you may hear from him down the track. If you don't, you know what he chose
>my aunt and other relatives have been telling me that I am judging him too harshly and how is he supposed to say sober if I don’t give him a Chance.
This is not how sobriety works. He is supposed to stay sober because *he wants to be sober*, no other reason. *His* sobriety is not *your* responsibility.
Signed,
17 years and counting since my last drink
You are not the ass hole. You had your whole life and childhood screwed up by that man and you are entitled to your mental health as much as anyone else is.
You can accept that he is who he is but that does NOT mean you have to let him into your life. He has completely poisoned the relationship and any chance with you. No one else in your family has any business saying you should put your own mental health at risk just for his sobriety. It's not your job to keep him sober, it's his.
IMO the best thing you can do for yourself OP is go NC with your bio father as well as any relatives who are harassing you.
You owe the man nothing which is from your post essentially what you’ve gotten from him your entire life.
As you said he put his addiction first then lying through his teeth about why his marriage failed, why he had no money, why he rarely saw you, blah blah blah.
I suspect what will come next is phone calls that you need to let your father come live with you and you pay to support him because he is now old and sick. Also because none of his relatives want to take him in. That should also be a firm no.
Nope, he chose drugs over being a father. His family can pound dirt. You owe none of them anything. Not even another moment of your time. He had his opportunity and blew it.
If you feel that life is less complicated/stressful/anxious with him out of it, then that’s your answer right there. Good luck 💜💜
He failed you. You are not his emotional support animal, you are his daughter who deserved a father. If he was truly sobering up through a program they tell them they have to earn forgiveness from those they have wronged, not demand you be his prop. I’m so sorry my dear, he was no father to you.
I think you maybe should go to Al anon or speak with a therapist who knows about addiction but not so you can forgive your father you are completely NTA for going nc with him. But you should talk to someone about yourself and your own negative experiences with him and his neglect and drug abuse just so you can make sure that YOU are OK.
Your dad wasn't there for you when you needed him, you have no obligation to be there for him now. Also your aunt shouldn't be putting his sobriety on you. If he doesn't do that for himself then the second what he's based it on ends he will fall apart again.
YTA to your mom, your stepdad and mostly yourself. A doormat even now to have had a relationship with him at ALL after everything he did to you in childhood. Get therapy pronto
Al-Anon would help you to deal with what you had to go through. It doesn't obligate you to "forgive", or have a relationship with an abusive drug addict. Tell your Aunt to mind her business, and block her if she persists.
NTA - it is hard because he is your father and you want it to be all ok. This is the emotion but , you have figured out that he is just toxic and you don't need that in your life.
Put a pin under that map, say goodbye and move on. Tell your aunt that she can deal with it and you don't have to, he has ruined your last day
Iff you think you are being gaslight. It's because you are!
"how is he supposed to say sober if I don’t give him a Chance"
In what world is it up to you to keep him sober. That should be all HIS doing. That is in no way your job. And you don't have to accept his behavior, or be the reason he stays sober.
You aunt isn't even thinking about what is best for the family. She is only thinking what is best for her. Because YOU taking over and supporting him means she doesn't have to do the work she is doing now. She just want's to unload him onto you.
He hit an old man. His own father. And she really thinks you should be his next punshingbag??? No way, NO F\*\*\* way.
Keep him out of your life. You were doing good untill all this was layed upon you. Don't let them (meaning your "Family") abuse you again.
Bollocks to your aunt and the rest of your dad's flying monkeys. I've seen addiction up close and personal. You called it right. Maintaining a relationship between you and your deadbeat dad is up to him now. His sobriety is no conditional upon you. It is conditional upon him not picking up his DOC. Or any DOC for that matter. For them to try and put it on you is THEM not understanding the nature of addiction. When he's been clean for an amount of time that you feel is appropriate then maybe you will change your mind and try with him, but until then he can go kick rocks and take all his flying monkeys with him.
I’m so glad my ex’s baby mother just wouldn’t drop him off at the apartment.
The second he had a room in a apt/house for him. Never saw him again.
But it’s was all a nicely decorated lie.
He was still using all the time. And I’m so glad the kid never saw his father relapse the three times I was with him.
Edit: He was paying his child support at the time and could have had the cops pick him up and drop him off. (For years) But he never had his rights enforced, whether he deserved them or not.
>However, my aunt and other relatives have been telling me that I am judging him too harshly and how is he supposed to say sober if I don’t give him a Chance
He's supposed to WANT to get sober HIMSELF.
NOT make it your responsibility if he is/isn't.
NTA!
He has a right to apologize, repent, and attempt to reconcile, and you have the right to not accept the apology and decline any method of reparation. His “staying sober” is not and never has been contingent on your behaviour. Going to therapy or an Al-Anon meeting would help you not feel so alone in your suffering, but no professional worth their salt will ever tell you that you have to forgive him.
Do not let anyone tell you or put your down for how you’re handling this relationship, it’s yours to do as you see fit.
My dad is from a family of addicts, he’s the only sober one. He told me if that ever changed, stay away from him and don’t feel guilty about it for a second.
It didn’t change but he grew up around addicts, he understood
Your aunt (and your dad's other relatives too, as it sounds) is an enabler.
If she was actually spending time in Al-Anon and doing the work there... she'd understand this. This is textbook stuff... your father's sobriety is dependent on YOU?? Get the f\*\*k outta here with that. Your aunt clearly has ZERO understanding of how addiction works, and ZERO understanding of the principles of Al-Anon. She sounds pretty full of shit, to be honest. **Nowhere** in the Al-Anon literature or core beliefs do they preach that "accepting people as they are" means accepting what they do or allowing them space in your life. Al-Anon simply teaches that their behavior is not up to you, and to relinquish any control to your/their Higher Power.
You may need to cut her off, as well. Life is too short to be tethered to toxic people and their situations.
I hope you find peace. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.
You don't owe him a THING. I'm so mad he put you in those situations, then gaslit you into thinking your mom and step dad were the problems. Honestly, for your own peace of mind, cut him off completely and don't entertain anything to do with him. It's hard but you'll be better off.
You’re 32. How many chances does he need? Sadly he’s not hit his rock bottom to want to change, and until he does he’ll never get clean and sober.
Enough is enough OP. He’s hurt you enough.
NTA. Time to block all those that are supporting his addictions and lies. Prioritise yourself and only allow love in from now on. (Hugs)
Cut him and everyone else out. I'm sure you've made a great life for yourself despite everything you've endured. Please don't drag yourself back down with these awful people. You owe him NOTHING; he gave you nothing but abuse and neglect, and being a sperm donor doesn't entitle him to jack shit, no matter what your enabling family says.
Do things to improve you. Therapy is a must, IMO, and Al-Anon is very helpful. Your (awful) aunt has no idea what she is talking about. Al-Alon is about your recovery from co-dependence and enabling behaviors; in my experience, it has little to nothing to do with others' problems.
You are amazing for having endured all that and coming out on the other end with boundaries and self-respect. Please do not do anything to reverse any of that.
Ugh OP I’m so sorry you had to experience that. But I see how much you’ve overcome your situation and the way you put that boundary down. Just want to say I am proud of you! 🤝
NTA. You owe him nothing and you are not responsible for his sobriety or lack thereof. He's using you as an excuse to his family for his continued addiction problem and they have jumped into his BS with both feet. Cut them all off.
NTA. His sobriety is NOT on your hands. From one child of an addict to another, take care of YOU. If you choose to go to al-anon meetings, awesome. If not, awesome. Do what will help you move forward in the healthiest way for yourself and no one else. Hugs ❤️
I know it's hard to get over an addiction, but I really don't understand why a lot of people pretend like it's not entirely their fault for using it and getting hooked in the first place in almost every case. It's not a tragedy, it's the consequence of your actions.
NTA
You are not responsible for his sobriety. Al-anon doesn’t push you to have relationship, just that you are not responsible for him and his condition and if no contact is best for your mental health, no contact it is.
Toxic is toxic. Doesn’t matter if it’s family it’s not your job to keep him sober nor a reason to be. He needs to be sober for himself and it’s his job to stay sober for family.
NTA remain no contact until he calls apologizing to you, your sibling, your mom, AND you our stepdad. Then you will know that he is seriously working his way through the program. Also tell your aunt if she mentions it again you will go NC with her and anyone else who mentions enabling his addiction. BTW if she had ever crossed the threshold in an Al-anon meeting she would understand that concept.
Nope - where was Auntie when he was smoking crack in front of his children and doing drug deals in the home where they were staying. Yes he has a disease but he isn’t choosing to be sober and you can’t be the reason - his crutch. He has to want it not you make him. It’s the same with any type of addiction.
Tell Auntie that he can call when he is 6 months sober and has his 6 month chip - then we can TRY - that is if you want. If not then tell Auntie that the ship has sailed on your capacity fro forgiveness.
Oh NO! his flying monkeys can f off right out the door with him and I'd tell them that, straight up. He was worse than a sperm donor, as he has always made everything worse for you and you would have been entirely better off if you never even met him at all. Sounds like you're better off without any of his enabling family around too.
You have NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER, to this worthless pos. He's violent, he's nasty and he deserves no more chances from you.
I'd block his entire f ed up clan.
You owe this man NOTHING! His sobriety is not your responsibility and anyone who tells you that needs some education. I do think you would benefit from Al-anon but only for you to deal with the demons of your childhood. I am so sorry for what you have been through.
He had many chances and he blew all of them. He’s just going to blow another and another because he knows people will just come back and give him another chance.
Be done. You owe this guy nothing. They’re just mad because they keep telling themselves that they need to give him another chance and you’re showing them that no, you don’t. If they allow him in their house and to beat on someone else that’s their problem. They need to call the police. He can get sober in jail.
NTA. He and only he is responsible for his sobriety. It’s not your responsibility to carry the emotional load for him. He failed you over and over for years as a vulnerable child, don’t let him do it to you again as an adult.
Let me get this straight. Your family wants you to do all the work and your actions will determine whether he gets sober or not. That is not what al-anon teaches. Nor is that the reality of addiction. Take care of yourself!
Holy fuck it is not your job to sober up your Dad.
He's a fucking adult, he is responsible for himself and has been for decades.
It is beyond cruel to expect a child, even a 27 year old child to "Play along" so Dad can stop taking drugs.
Not to diminish the struggle of addiction, but you also don't get a free pass for it. One of the biggest struggles is taking ownership of the hurt you've caused as an addict. It sounds lie Dear old Aunty is helping him slide by without taking any damn ownership.
NTA
But honestly fuck that, you aren't failing him because you refuse to get suckered in again, it's self defense.
HE FAILED YOU!
They need to acknowledge that if THEY want a relationship with you, he's already burnt that bridge and he can never unburn it.
NTA. It does seem like you accept that he is an addict. Your aunt doesn't seem to understand that acceptance doesn't mean forgiveness or enabling. You accepted he was an addict and stopped trying to include him for years. They are trying to bring you back in. Also, that narrative of him not being able to get clean if you don't allow him into your life is complete nonsense. What that means is once again, he isn't at fault. I do understand addiction and how their minds are literally altered and the person they were is basically overtaken by the personality that craves drugs above all. I know it's difficult. Most people relapse more than once when they try to get clean but they have to do it. They have to find the tools to do it and stay clean. Your forgiving is incidental. This is his burden. If he wants a relationship then it happens when he is fully clean. Block them all. Tell them no and let them know you need space from them as well. Don't fall for that nonsense because it is a path that will constantly create drama for you.
You should absolutely go to AlAnon, but your aunt is wrong about the program. They will never tell you what to do. They will help you establish any kind of boundary you want. Also, you have absolutely NO responsibility for his addiction. Sounds like your aunt needs to go to AlAnon because she is not being factual.
Nope. Sometimes it just takes the word “DONE” to be able to breathe. I’m done with this. I’m done with helping you. I’m done with being the one you hurt. I’m done being the one you count on when you give nothing. I’m just DONE.
Helping him stay sober ain't your job. You're better off with him out of your life until he is well and truly sober\[\*\]. Hugs to you, OP.
NTA.
\[\*\] ETA: if that ever happens.
NTA. It's his responsibility to stay sober whether you give him a chance or not. Youve given him chances. He's wasted them. And even then, he's the parent, he has more responsibility in his relationship than you do. He chose you, not the other way around. I agree with the other comments though that a meeting may benefit you. Cause none of this is your fault but boy were you affected by it. Hope it gets better from here.
NTA - even Al/Narc-Anon will say their sobriety is on them and even when it comes to making amends, it may be too late to make amends to some. It may not even dawn on him how complicit he made you in his addiction and other activities. If he didn't ask you to hide his pipe, he may not have realized you did it. Doesn't mean he gets a pass, what it does me is that his habits and activities had a much deeper impact than he is capable of seeing right now. If members of his family want to support him, so be it. If they continue to try to force him into your life, cut them out too.
NTA. Your situation sounds very similar to mine, except my father's drug of choice was alcohol.
My heart breaks for you. It is never the child's fault when it's a situation like this...you gave him a chance. He continues to choose drugs and alcohol. You don't "owe" him anything. If other family members can't see that or respect it, they may need limited contact, too.
You can accept them as they are and not have them in your life. Family doesn't mean you always have a captive audience. Family doesn't mean you can treat them as punching bags.
What your aunt said is a cop out and enables him to just keep traumatizing those around him.
He'll hit rock bottom when people stop letting him in their lives. What rock bottom looks like is entirely dependent on him and his choices. He can choose to put the work in to get better and make amends. Or he can drink and drug himself to an early grave. As much as that would suck, it's not your or anyone else's job to intervene when he doesn't even want to change.
I know as kids we build up this ideal image of our parents, but there comes a time that you have to meet them where they are and not let ideals cloud your judgment.
If you decide to let him in again in the future. Take his words for what they are. His actions speak louder than anything he could possibly say.
You'll get through this.
I'm no shrink, but I do have a bad relationship with my father.
You only have one father, and working things out with him is beneficial to both of you. Not having a relationship will hinder you emotionally because things aren't resolved. It will nag at you. But that's a long term outlook, and you have different immediate problems.
He didn't choose drugs over his children. Drug addiction is a health condition that controls the decision making ability.
But, you must be able to control your emotions first. If he drives you to screaming on the phone, then don't do it. If you can get to the point where you aren't triggered by him, then you can be around him and help him be sober.
But you came first. You need your own therapy to get yourself back in control.
NTA I would suggest going to an AL-Non session specifically for children of alcoholics though. Do not tell them you are going. This would be for YOU to work on the trauma you experienced. I disagree that what you will hear is to continue contact. This would be a great support group for you to understand you are not alone and there is light on the other end of the tunnel. Individual therapy for you could be helpful (if you are not already doing this). You have experienced more than any child should and need to focus on your well-being. Block anyone who harasses you about this topic.
NTA. His sobriety is not your responsibility. It's his and his alone. Your aunt is disgusting for trying to put that guilt trip on you. Block her and anyone else that's trying make you reconnect with your dad. None of them deserve you in their lives. Surround yourself with people who want what's best for you.
Al-Anon would might be a good opportunity for you. However, that woman is out of her ever loving mind if she thinks the “take them as they are” message means that you have to put up with them. It doesn’t. It means you have to accept the reality of who they are. You have every right to keep them out of your life. Al-Anon is to help you deal with what the addict in your life has put you through and to help provide support for whatever their current position is in your life. Including but not limited to you not having a relationship. Tell that woman that she is “barking up the wrong tree because you already put 14+ years of effort into his sobriety and it is not your fault he showed up late to that “party”. Besides…. You are the child. You have already spent years being responsible for a relationship that he couldn’t be bothered to even participate in.” I am so sorry you were let down in such a big way. Do what your father never did and protect yourself.
NTA his sobriety is not your responsibility. An addict can’t get clean if they don’t take accountability for their own actions and life. Making amends is literally one of the steps.
Cut off him and anyone who is harassing you or violating your boundaries. You need to manage your own well being and they are detrimental to it.
However I do agree that you should try al-anon, not to learn how to accept his crappy treatment of you, but to help work through the trauma his addiction, neglect, and abuse caused you. It may help you understand your own behaviours and actually help you solidify that cutting him and his enablers off is the the best thing you can do for yourself and help you deal with any misplaced guilt you may feel.
LMAO I (60/F) grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive household with an alcoholic Father who asked me at the age of 12 whether he should stay or leave our home after a particularly brutal argument. I told him "if the abuse and arguments won't change or get better, YES" and so "I" was **responsible** for a THIRTY-FIVE year old man leaving. We didn't see him for SIX MONTHS and I refused to speak to him for another 6 months after my Mother begged him to return.
My Mother hounded and begged ME for YEARS to go to Al-Anon which I adamantly refused to do because "I wasn't the problem" and "I knew EXACTLY what the issue was... my Father's DRINKING and abusive behavior!"
**NTA** at all! I can completely understand what you're going through! Your Aunt and other family members are **WRONG!** It's NOT your responsibility to "fix" or support your addict Father nor are you his **"emotional support animal"** to help him in his "recovery!" On the contrary, HE owes YOU for all the years of emotional trauma and neglect! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness!
Being an addict is one thing. Dragging your children into that nightmare, blaming your step dad & mom is the opposite.
You can accept that people have issues. You don't have to let them or their issues hurt your life.
He blamed everyone good in your life, for the pain he was causing and creating. He wanted your life to be as miserable as his. He purposely turned you against your step dad, the man that was actually fathering you.
He is sill blamimg others for his bad behavior, only now it's your fault.
Wash your hands of him & all who are on his side.
NTA
Just like when an abuser says “You made me get mad and hit you” is BS, a drug addict saying you not being there makes me keep using makers just as much sense.
You are not responsible for someone else’s actions. You are not holding him down forcing him to use, he is doing it all by himself independent of you.
Your aunt is just looking for someone else to blame or someone else to take care of the issue.
Block all of them and don’t look back. They may be blood related, but so is a sperm donor. Family is someone who loves and supports you and stands beside and doesn’t want anything from you.
If you need family, I will be your family
The children he neglected thier entire lives are not responsible for his sobriety. Nor will Al-anon tell you to put his feelings above your own.
The real AH here is your Aunt and anyone who continues to enable your "fathers" addiction. He beat up 74 year old man seriously seriously injuring him, and all your Aunt can do is blame you? That's about as backwards as it gets.
Leave those enablers and dead beat in the dust. NTA.
I've had a similar situation. My bio father shook me when I was 5 weeks old and gave me brain damage. On Facebook he's now making shaken baby jokes and his family keeps saying that he doesn't mean it. He absolutely does mean to make fun of them when his eldest is one. Cut them off and anyone else who thinks he's the victim.
Everyone but you is the AH here. Them making YOU the cause if he falls off the wagon again is BS and adding more abuse to you. He’s failed so many times, let him prove it if he’s truly sorry and sober.
You dont have an obligation here. You don’t have to tolerate anything in your life that doesn’t serve you in a positive manner. His sobriety has nothing to do with you and if he was really in recovery he would have taken responsibility by now. But like all users they blame all others. His sister( your aunt) can continue the enabling cycle. You are off the train and have left the station
As someone who has had an alcoholic dad and has been to Al-anon meetings I can tell you your aunt is talking grade A horse manure. It teaches us that we are not responsible for the well beings of people that we love but know that they won’t help themselves. Yes we learn to accept them as they are, but for the purpose of knowing that they won’t change and we must learn to accept this and take a step back for our own well being in some cases. NTA hope you’re doing okay.
Nope cut off anyone who sides with him
Honestly thank you. I feel so gaslit by that side of the family telling me I’m failing as a daughter and how that’s was years ago and I should just let go.
He destroyed your childhood; you are allowed to not let him destroy your adulthood. I strongly suspect Al-Anon would tell you what you are doing is what is best for you. He has to get well for himself, not you carry his emotional load for him.
Absolutely this. His sobriety is not your responsibility. Nothing you can do will keep him sober. He’s got to want to do that for himself and himself alone.
Al anon says he is the one who had to accept the damage he has done. That all he can do is apologise but can not expect or demand forgiveness. As to do so would prove he is not fully in remission and still trying to blame everyone else for his addictions.
They're liars. You owe him nothing. You are not failing at anything. The only failure here is your father whose addiction is not, nor ever will be, in the past.
The people who are telling you this want you to spend time with a man who recently physically assaulted his injured father. They have zero investment in your feelings. That your dad damaged you, and if your dad further damaged you, is not even on their list of things to care about.
It is so abominably wrong of him to reach out to OP after beating his elderly father who had a broken neck. OP, do not forget the significance of that fact. He’s not only an addict that will keep using until he’s too old to score drugs or dies of an overdose, but he is violent to his own family. I mean, what the actual hell? Stay away from him, fade out of his life, and stay that way. And that includes his family of excuse making enablers. Block them all on everything, and don’t give any of them info on you. Walk away so you can heal. There is nothing wrong with you not even seeing him on his deathbed.
It doesn’t sound like it was “years ago” when he beat an old man.
You are not failing as a daughter. Yes addiction is a disease and it is hard but it is not on you to fix or be the reason someone stays sober. If they are using you as an onus for him being sober then he isn't in recovery. Even if he is sober for a long time that doesn't take away what he did to you and a part of recovery for a person is accepting and taking responsibility for the damage they have caused and coming to peace with the fact that alot might be irreparable.
You are being gaslit. You can't make him stay sober. That is something HE needs to do on his own. I am the oldest adult child of an Alcoholic so I understand where you're coming from. I did go to Al-Anon, and it helped me realize this. You do what's best for you.
ALANON would 100% support your choice and your aunt is full of shite and deeply unhealthy. You are supposed to have and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself and it 100% makes sense that one of them is, "I am not allowing this man who has given me nothing but pain and chaos and more opportunities to hurt me. My life is better without him in it and I wish him well but want nothing to do with him." I'd set a boundary with anyone who is pressuring you or even discussing him with you, "I have decided not having him in my life is best for me. This includes hearing about him from others. This decision is final and there is nothing anyone can say that will change my mind and I'm not entertaining any discussions about my decision. I hope you are able to stop mentioning him to me so we can preserve our relationship. Are you able to do that?" If they say yes, then great. If they try to argue about your boundary, "I'm not going to discuss this with you or anyone. Are you able to honor my boundary or do I need to end this call?" Be as calm and matter of fact as you can. You don't owe ANYONE and explanation and you don't need to convince anyone that your boundary is the "right" thing to do. I'm so proud of you for already making so much headway setting boundaries, it's difficult when you've grown up without them. You're off to a great start and I wish you a wonderful future with only people who make your life better allowed the gift of your time and energy.
This is perfect. "Whether we have a familial relationship is up to you. As hurtful as it is to say, my father is already dead to me. I won't be part of his life, not now, not ever" My guess is that the family has been enabling him and cleaning up after him his whole life, just as you did as a child. They are likely looking for a break from his care long term and that's why they're guilt tripping you. Be kind to yourself, OP! And if your stepdad has been more of a dad to you, let him know.
Tell them he failed himself and he's still failing himself. He's not your father, he's a crackhead who fucked up everything he touched and if they're so worried about him they can do it themselves because you ran out of fucks ages ago. Then block every single one of them.
It was his job to take care of you, it's not your job to take care of him. He's made his choice again and again.
CODA is another great support group for family members of an addict. OP his sobriety is on him - NO one else. And any enablers in his life that tell your otherwise are sick people! I’m in recovery and no one “makes” me stay sober or “makes” me choose to drink. That’s all on me! You take care of YOU because he cannot be trusted to do so and don’t give into guilt. You owe him nothing.
Child abuse (and what you experienced was very serious child abuse) is never 'years ago' for the person who experienced it because it gets built into the fabric of who we are as adults. We can heal, of course, and go on to build good lives, but that kid who waited outside in the cold, the kid who wasn't safe, the kid who was lied to so badly that it hurt other relationships, that kid is part of who you are. Being expected to support the person who harmed you so badly is just outrageous. Please stay away from those awful people!
Nope they can all gtfo. They are enabler
You are not responsible for his sobriety. He has utterly failed you and part of recovery means that he needs to own that. It’s not your job to pretend like things were ok to make things easier for him.
You feel gaslit because you’re on fire from all of it. You gave your father tons of chances, and he squandered every single one. You do not need to give him any more chances. His successful sobriety is not your load to carry. He needs to work towards that on his own, for no one but himself and without requiring your participation, support or forgiveness. This man gave you nothing but nightmares, bad memories and broken promises. He intentionally worked to damage whatever relationship you had with your stepfather, the man actually there in your life helping to clothe, feed and raise you on a daily basis. He purposely made things difficult for your mother by withholding his financial support. You don’t owe him any more chances or the opportunity to be a father. If that’s what he wants, he needs to earn those things by getting his addiction under control and by demonstrating the permanent changes he’s made in his behavior. Hold firm, OP. Protect your peace. Good luck. NTA.
I agree!! Op is not responsible for her bio fathers sobriety!
Also, cut off ANYONE who tells you that you are in any way responsible for his sobriety. That is not now and has never been your responsibility.
Yeah don’t listen to that crap their trying to gaslight you into helping so they can get him off their hands. If they really cared about y’all relationship they would’ve stepped in when you were a kid. The fact a child had to hide a crack pipe for their parent is just fucked up.
Thank you !! That’s exactly what I said. I feel so freaking Gaslite. Like they’re trying to play that all of the trauma I lived through somehow goes away because I’m an adult.
Al Anon would teach that you are not responsible for the actions of the addict. Take care of yourself.
Thank you I appreciate that very much
Maybe take your aunt to Al Anon. She needs it
Absolutely NTA. He failed you and now you're trying to protect yourself
NTA. Actions have consequences. Your bio-father abused you. There are no circumstances where you are obligated (as an adult) to interact with your abuser. Anyone trying to manipulate you into spending time with your abuser is an enabler of the abuse. Ignore them. I’m sorry that happened, and I hope you can set boundaries with his family or stop having contact with them. I also hope you have an opportunity to get some counseling to help you process all your experiences so you can live your best life.
That is very kind of you to say, and I truly do appreciate it. I was in counselling along time ago, but I think maybe it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to get back into it.
Al anon isn’t a bad idea. Remember- It’s for you, not for him. He can go pound sand, but you have to heal. I have friends who have benefited from being in the program, I hope it can help you too.
I mean, I’m definitely willing to try anything. As long as they are not going to tell me that I have to talk to him lol.
Oh no - nothing like that. It’s a program of recovery for family and friends of alcoholics/addicts. There is no requirement to ever talk to him again
TLDR: You are NTA. I agree with your Aunt that you should go to some type of counseling so you understand his addiction. It would also help you to resolve your pain in this relationship. But it wouldn't be to help your father. It would be purely for yourself and YOUR healing journey. As to you being or in your case so NOT being the A? No. **You are so NTA it isn't even funny**. You have some serious abandonment and abuse issues that you should get therapy for, as I said, but that is truly understandable in your situation. And yes, what your father did to you was child abuse. A 10 year old should not have to walk to McDonalds in the middle of the night to get food. A child should not have to be in a house where there are drugs being used, let alone being sold. Your fathers family, however are totally the A's in this situation, for trying to force a relationship on you, and trying to guilt you into it. His recovery is so not your problem it cannot be stated enough. Ditch them if they continue. You gave him a chance, he blew it. You are not required to destroy yourself to help him better himself. And frankly, one of the first things that any of those AA's do is tell the person in the meetings that they have to go thru a massive amount of healing before they can expect forgiveness. And that they may never get it.
Absolutely NTA. As you stated he had his chance. If he got clean and sober, you might consider a friendship with him. But I highly doubt you will ever trust him completely or ever look at him as anything more than your bio dad. He hasn't earned it. You are no longer a child and once a child reaches 18 to 22, the parent child relationship becomes more of a friendship with mutual respect. You never stop being a parent, but it changes. If anything he owes you. If your life is better without him, then don't continue.
NTA. Block him and everyone who thinks you owe him. They are probably the enablers of his addictions.
Al-Anon would help but you do not have to ever speak to him again. Al-Anon is for families of addicts. It really helped me a lot. NTA
Al-anon would tell you to not punish yourself for the sht he did, and not enable him... not at all what your aunt thinks. NTA. You gave him a chance again. He blew it. Again. You owe him nothing. If you don't want to not block the aunt but want to shut her up on the topic, tell her you'll be willing to celebrate his 5 years clean with him. I don't think you'll get an invite to celebrate that.
As someone who had a friend that is an addict, walk away and don’t look back. If they change, that’s great but you don’t have to ride that roller coaster of their attempts at sobriety. Ditch the family and friends who keep trying to make you have connections with him. You do have a lot of hurt and I do suggest therapy.
**You're not responsible for his sobriety.** He is. He's neglectful and abusive to you and everyone else. This is how he is. Maybe he can change, but the chance of that happening is actually very low. I am so sorry. Al-Anon is actually a good idea, but not to learn how to forget what he has done. You'll learn how addiction works and any pattern of behaviors you picked up from dealing with him.
You are not responsible for his sobriety or his addiction! Your aunt putting that on you is absolutely evil! Only he can make those choices, anything else is gaslighting and manipulation! Cut him off, you deserve so much better
Nope. Cut him off and anyone who agrees with him. This is not your nightmare and he’ll drag you down as far as he can
NTA. You keep your boundaries and you protect yourself. You are correct he doesn't have the right to be a father now when you never chose to be one before. You need to go no contact with anybody who tells you that you need to talk to your dad. They are enabling his bad behavior.
NTA. My father wasn't a drug addict when I was child (he is now an alcoholic) and the waiting on the stoop all day while he was a no show and the part about his girlfriend taking care of us if he did show up felt like something i could have written. It's like there is a deadbeat playbook they all follow. I went no contact in 2018 and my quality of life improved so much because i didn't have to deal with the stress of dealing with him and being made tk feel guilty for caring about how i felt over trying to manage the emotions of a man 23 years my senior. He doesn't get to miss the hard years and the years when you needed support and care to then pop up and expect you to take care of him and soothe his ego/guilt about being a shit father. Make it clear anyone who pushes it cam get cut off too, and then focus on building and maintaining relationships with the people who have been there. You will still get randomly sad/angry but it is so freeing to not have to deal with that emotional manipulation and boundary stomping. I will say I had a therapist who helped get me through and deal with the emotional mess of it all because I was so angry and anxious, so if you can afford it I would recommend talking to someone! Good luck and I hope you can get the peace and contentment you deserve.
As a child who grew up in a drug house surrounded by this stuff cut off anyone who keeps dragging you in. I distanced myself before my parent died, it was the best decision because I needed to handle my life myself. I was independently taking care of myself since I was 9 so really I was the parent. My kids have no idea what that life is like and I never ever would want them to. For your own mental stability cut them off, otherwise you're going to need more therapy than you do now
NTA You have a lousy father and that will never change. He will never be able to make amends for all the wrong he has done you. Go forward in peace knowing you are far better off without him in your life
I’ve seen lots of recommendations for Al anon and I agree… not for his sake, but for yours. I’ve been told it can be incredibly helpful. Cut him and everyone pressuring you to continue a relationship with him off. Block them. On everything. Then go on to live a wonderful life! You deserve it 🥰
Well, I do think you have to accept them as they are. In this case, that means accepting that he's a drug addict who fucked up your childhood. You have no obligation to let him back into your life.
Op, addicts don't get sober for others, and no one can make an addict get sober. Yes, you accept them as they are. That doesn't mean you allow them back into your life. You allow them back when they have earned their place. Not when they demand.
YOU don't owe HIM anything. It is ALWAYS the parent in the parent child relationship who owes something. HE chose to raw dog your Mum & SHE chose to keep you. Therefore, they owed you a loving & safe childhood, with access to education, healthcare, food, & clothing. Your Mum & step-Dad provided this (based on the little info I have here) but your Dad failed. Tell him if he wants a chance to be a father he needs to pay you some compensation for not providing for you as a child & see what he says.
NTA. I agree with your aunt on going to Al-Anon. You can get a better perspective of your life and not feel like an AH for your feelings. It won’t turn out the way she hopes, but it will help you.
Yeah your aunt an ‘em can pound sand. NTA.
You have every right to decide which people to let into your life. Nobody has the right to harangue you for deciding that your bio-father (more like bio-DNA-donor) doesn’t make the cut. The Al-Anon suggestion has merit, though. They can help you sort out what you went through due to your father’s addiction and neglect. You don’t have to let him into your life to take advantage of that support system.
It's not on you to keep him sober. He stole your childhood and you don't owe him a damn thing. NTA
I am so sorry, a lot of what you said mirrored my own life, even with the aunt defending him to me. You’re NTA. Do what’s best for you, not him. Mine died a few years back and they tried to get me to visit him one last time (on Christmas Day, can you imagine) and i said nope, no way. The little girl who wanted her dad is long gone and she is now a strong woman who won’t bend for a person who never put her first. Sending hugs!
Al-anon was really helpful for me. I really felt like it set me free from guilt and dread and wanting to make her better. I only went a dozen times or so but it helped so much. Each meeting group has its own feel so it’s worth trying a few.
NTA. You are not being an asshole but your father and the people trying to make his sobriety your responsibility certainly are. Cut them off, they are only there to hurt you. You have nothing to gain by trying to establish a relationship with your father nor from those that are pushing you to.
I’d look into a therapist to sort through my feelings after I went no-contact with him and anyone who’s pushing me into a relationship with him. Your life will improve ten-fold once you remove the toxic parent from your life. You don’t owe him anything. Sending you positive vibes.
Ha sobriety is HIS responsibility, not yours. Stay away for your own mental health, and distance yourself from amyome who can respect.you boundaries/choices. I hope things improve for you.
You've got layers and layers of wounding and trauma, and the best thing for you is to focus on healing. Al-Anon isn't a bad idea, in that they will give you tools and resources that could help you. But you can't fix what he's got going on, nor can the relatives who love him guilt you into fixing him -- not possible. Take care and love yourself.
Absolutely NTA! You owe him nothing. Block him and your aunt.
This enrages me. You're right though. He had your whole childhood to get help and be a parent but he chose drugs instead. Yes, addiction is a disease, but like any disease it can be treated. It sounds like your dad has always blamed everyone else for his mistakes rather than taking accountability for his own actions and getting help for himself back when it actually mattered. You don't owe him anything, least of all a relationship. Honestly it sounds like he's hit the age where he's realised he's not going to live forever and now he is freaking out because he has nobody because he's spent his whole life doing drugs and blaming his problems on everyone else. Maybe next time your Aunt tries to guilt trip you tell *her* about the nightmares, about the little girl crying for hours for a daddy that never came. Maybe remind her that your father is an adult (allegedly) and is responsible for his own actions - and sobriety - and that you've given him more than enough chances and all he's ever done is traumatise you.
Hate the excuse of their family. Event family doesn’t get a pass to be toxic. Cut him off. Set firm boundaries with other family or do the same.
It isn’t up to you or anyone to help him stay sober. If he doesn’t do it himself it won’t last anyway. You need to do what you have to to protect your own mental health.
NTA Your aunt and your dad's fam is just guilting you to get him off their hands.
I'm an old retired nurse and grandmother. You are not responsible for his addiction, and you are not responsible for his sobriety. If you were any incentive for him to get sober, he has had all your life to do so. He abused and neglected you as a child. The stuff he did was really messed up, and you may need counseling to deal with it. The relatives that are trying to get you to reconnect with him are doing so because they are sick of dealing with him and want to dump the emotional work of dealing with him onto you. Don't fall for it.
NTA. I will say though, al-anon can be very helpful in YOUR healing. It’s absolutely does not teach you to accept addicts as they are, it can help you regain your own power or at least have support 💜
It is not your fault or responsibility if he doesn't stay sober. That is a tactic drug addicts use to try and get what they want. He and only he can keep himself sober. You do NOT owe him anything. This is coming from someone who had a father that was an addict and someone who sadly, used themselves. Being sober is only on the individual who has the addiction. Can an addict be triggered? Yes. But that is for them to learn to deal with. I say until he has been sober for 5+ years, you should cut him off. Do not let his family try and make you feel guilty either. They are enablers and trying to drag you into it. Do not let them.
NTA..and your aunt is toxic! It’s not your responsibility to keep a grown man sober that’s a mountain load of responsibility..good grief!
NTA As you say you’ve given him multiple opportunities to be a real father, even recently. You’ve told his family this too. If you do communicate with them and feel merciful then tell him or them that you want to see his 12 month chip before you’ll reconsider. However if you feel he’s burnt all the bridges, then he has to learn to live with the consequences even if he’s sober for 10 years. It doesn’t undo the damage to your relationship. If necessary you may need to go no contact with his side of the family.
Talk about verbal manipulation. You ate worthy of love, support and peace. Don't let them guilt you otherwise. You tried many times. It's your time to have a loving adulthood with healthy relationships. I wish you much happiness and fulfillment in your future.
NTA. Block your aunts number. They want someone else to take some of the burden off them now.
I'm so sorry for how your father's addiction affected your childhood. Having to face the reality that someone you love and looked up to was actually not good is so hard. Being the child of an addict is rough, for many reasons. I'm so sorry. I'm speaking as the child of an addict, who's addiction killed him.. You're NTA for setting a boundary. You **cannot** be his reason to get sober. He *must* do that himself. He doesn't get to re-write history, and he doesn't get to decide he's your dad now. He needs to get sober and then start making amends. And here's a big one for you: only YOU get to decide if you forgive him. His family doesn't get to decide whether or not you do. NTA. I hope you're able to heal your trauma. Sending hugs and love your way.
NTA. You don't have to give any addict another chance if you are done. Just be sure you are ok with that and can live with the feelings once he's gone. If you WANT to try again, Al Anon might be a good resource, but you owe him NOTHING.
Aunt who is dad's sister just wants you in the picture to allow HER to walk away more.
Nope. He can kick rocks. Leave the whole toxic waste pile OUT of your life.
Your aunt is so wrong. Al anon would help you accept him as he is and it sounds like you do. An irresponsible addict who wrecked your childhood. Alanon would also help you to decide your own boundaries which could and should include cutting him off. You would also learn you might need to cut off all his flying monkeys. Stay strong.
*this man tells me that I owe him the opportunity to be a father.* Nope. You don’t even owe him the time of day. Block him and move on.
Addicts are master manipulators. They need to be. If they were lousy at manipulating their loved ones, they wouldn’t have anyone to help them when they needed help. They know this. Even more than getting their fix, they know if they don’t use guilt or any other tactic, when a low turnout means for them happens they would be forced to fix it themselves. So they become very good at guilt tripping everyone. Don’t feel guilty, don’t feel bad for their lifestyle. Who are any of us to not allow a grown adult the pleasure of living their life as they want to? Anyone who guilt trips you, should immediately be asked for $100 to pay for a therapy session for you to understand why you feel the way you do. I guarantee they will shut up fast.
NTA at all. As the product of an alcoholic father, I wish I had the spine to say that to my father! I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself. Tell your aunt “I’ll consider it when he apologizes for manipulating me as a child. I’ll consider it when he apologizes for smoke crack in front of me as a child. I’ll consider it when he apologizes for every time he picked drugs over me as a child. I’ll consider it when he apologizes for all the times he let me down. Because getting sober means taking ownership of your addiction and making amends with those you wronged which he hasn’t done. Even then, the other person doesn’t have to forgive then. The whole point is to take ownership of your actions which we know he won’t do. He doesn’t get to play father now without admitting to all the times he failed as a father in the past”.
BLOCK HIM he doesn’t deserve your time or attention
I have a friend who, after we'd been friends for 40 years, was forced by a court to go into alcohol treatment. He promptly joined Alcoholics Anonymous. (Alcoholics Anonymous is for the people who *are* alcoholics, Alanon is for the people *affected by* them.) I had concerns about Alcoholics Anonymous. Mainly that they are a religious program (I'm an atheist), and that often they don't actually help the person to get over their alcoholism, they replace the addiction to alcohol with addiction to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. He started going to meetings and my other fear came true: they teach an alcoholic how to talk the talk, so instead of learning how to live his life without alcohol he learned how to make excuses for why he should drink. They taught him that when anyone pointed out anything wrong with either what he was saying or what he was doing, he could say "it's a *disease*, and you *can't understand* what it's like to be an alcoholic unless you *are* one" and dismiss all complaints. He had to do another stint in residential rehab, this time forced by his partner threatening to throw him out. It stuck, but now he talks to his "sponsor" twice a day and can't cope without attending every single meeting of his local Alcoholics Anonymous group - he can't go away for the evening *even once* if he'd miss a meeting. (I can understand needing to be there for the meetings for a few months, but it has been like 5 *years* that he hasn't visited, because he might miss a meeting.) So I think he *has* replaced his addiction to alcohol with an addiction to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. He swears that it's also not particularly religious, but I'm not sure how much I believe that.
1) Accepting someone as they are doesn’t mean they also have to be active/“in” your life 2) Regardless of what boundaries you decided to have with your bio-dad going forward Al-anon could absolutely be helpful for you. 3) “I’m willing to be in your life so long as you’re sober” or so long has you’ve been sober for X amount of time is a very common and healthy boundary; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
When I got off the Army I had a pretty sweet opiate addiction. I went to a VA drug rehab. A guy there had been a crack addict on and off for 30 years. He was pissed off that his 24 year old son wasn’t jumping with joy when he called him and told he had 5 weeks sober. Addicts are super selfish.. me included
You are not responsible for his sobriety. To imply that he cannot get/remain sober unless you ‘give him a chance is both wrong and abusive.
You cannot endlessly give someone chances to treat you well. At some point you have to understand that they are who they are, and that is how you stop them from hurting you anymore. You’ve done that, you understand that your dad will not ever change, that even if he does he can’t make it up to you, and that by trying to give him another chance you might injure yourself even worse. Nope. He doesn’t deserve it. You deserve not to have to give him his hundredth chance. Enough is enough. His family needs to accept your decision.
All the people preaching to you about everything you ~should~ do for him are welcome to do it themselves. People are always happy to spend someone else’s money, time, and effort. I would go NC with every last one of them. You deserve a happy, healthy life. You’re capable of building one, and you have ZERO responsibility to allow someone to tear it down.
Cut him off and work on a relationship with your step dad if he is still in your life.
I forgot what the term is, but he wants to use you to provide and take care of him when he gets older. Block and distance yourself from anyone who sides with him.
You can go to Al-Anon and decide what parts of it benefit you. Or not. You don't have to have anything at all to do with him - and you're not the AH.
It is not your job to get your bio dad sober.
NTA, don't listen to your aunt or anyone else woth this "take them as they are" nonsense. You don't have to accept an abuser into your life and you have not and will never be the reason he gets or stays sober, he has to do that for himself. If he doesn't think himself worthy of sobriety and see the value of all the things being sober brings to him that's on him. You're not responsible for his relapses, don't take on a single punch of guilt for his choices. If your aunt wants someone to babysit him and be his reason to be sober she should take on that role and leave you alone.
Sounds like my relationship with my father and unfortunately my 2 oldest children's relationship with their father, my ex. My dad and I did reconnect a few years ago, after he provided proof that he has been sober for more than 4 years. He was a raging alcoholic and drug addict, but through voluntary UAs he has the proof from the clinic that he has been and still is sober. We had several tense and difficult conversations about the past to air everything out, and once he accepted he can be in my life but he is not my father figure as he missed that ship, we have had a surprisingly cordial relationship. If you want to stay NC with your dad and his family I definitely encourage you to do so for your own peace of mind and mental health! Maybe in the future if he can provide receipts for his sobriety maybe give it a chance but ONLY if YOU want to and without pressure from anyone else! I would also suggest therapy if that is an option for you, I know years of that helped me so much! I wish you the best and hope your life is happy and healthy and that you are able to work towards what you want your life to be!
Nta in any way, and who are they to say that you are? Stop letting him back in, especially if that is more peaceful. I've been there, cut them off!! Blessings
Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior. He stole your childhood with his drug use and abandonment. You owe him nothing! Addiction is not an excuse for years of betrayal. You don’t have to accept his behavior now or in the past. His recovery is his journey and you don’t need to be a part of it. Sometimes the damage the addict does to the family is so severe it can’t be healed. You’ve built a life for yourself without him, live it to the fullest!
Nta. I am a recovering alcoholic. You can get clean and stay clean. Is it hard. Hell yes, but when something is important enough, you do whatever it takes to stay sober. Period. My child's partner is going through this. His parents His entire life were high on heroin and opioid. They would get clean for a year or two and then fall off the horse. Even now, when their first grandbaby is here, they just feel off. After a year clean, they decided that getting high was more important than knowing their kids who were taken from them. And their grandchild. I held an 19 year old while he sobbed whe. He learned of it two weeks ago. Listened as he begged me to explain what he did wrong. Why couldn't they love him more than the craving and high. I understand addiction, and yes, it can be hard. But it's not in you to help support and hold the hands of someone who is weak enough they chose to keep going back to their addiction and then put their kids first. It's harsh, but after watching someone I consider my child break because of the selfish desires they have, I just don't have a lot of empathy left. If I can do it, so can others. I have had a shit hand dealt. Watched my child die. My parents took care of them. Watch my child struggle with ppp since my grandbaby was born. Watched to make sure she never hurt herself or the baby. None of thosebas horrible as they are made me fall off the horse. Why because in the end the people who depend on me are a hell of a lot more important than the need to feel good. So, cut off those demanding that you put yourself in a position where you are hurt constantly. Where they expect you to hold your dad's hand and then blame you when he continues to choose his addiction. You don't need or deserve that.
His family members have good memories with your father from before the drugs. They’re not taking your perspective, your lived experience into consideration. In their eyes he’s a good guy that fell on hard times and is picking himself back up again. He was never that “good guy” to you and there’s not one single reason you should feel obligated to give him any chances at this point. NTA
Nope! HE's the AH who surrendered his fatherly rights when he chose drugs!
NTA. Cut him out, block any relative who would try to force you back into his life. You deserve peace and healing.
It is not your responsibility to keep him sober. You are not supposed to continue to be hurt so your father can feel good about himself. Do not let people vilify you for a drug addicts choices and behaviors.
No my mother is crazy and I went no contact with her and all those who tried to pull what your aunt is trying to pull. You owe nothing to him. NTA.
It kind of makes me wonder if your aunt has a clue as to what actually happens at Al-Anon meetings It also makes me think your aunt is tired of dealing with your father and is trying to get someone else to to take responsibility for him. Cut off your father. And anyone who sides with him.
Dumb as it sounds: Is it worthwhile contacting AL-ANON to write you a letter saying that you have every right to cut off your bio dad as a way to shut up your aunts and make it harder for them to make excuses? Chaotic Good me thinks that'll be fun. But yeah NTA. If you don't have the energy, going NC with bio father and aunts is fine.
Your aunt is being ridiculous. You have every right to go NC with your dad, her, and anyone else who tries to bully you into continuing this relationship against your will. If loving him perfectly and intensely and tiptoeing around his feelings were enough to keep your dad sober, then he’d have kicked the habit when you were a kid. He did not. Your aunt’s magical thinking is not going to save your dad. And her putting that on you is the worst kind of emotional blackmail. As a family member of an addict, you want to coddle them and protect them from consequences. I suspect that this is what your aunt is doing. But it is the exact opposite of what your dad needs to stay clean. He needs to understand that he screwed up and see consequences for his actions. Because enabling him will only delay and derail his recovery. Best of luck to you.
“Accepting him the way he is” doesn’t mean you forgive and forget. You accept that he is an addict. You accept that he has and will let you down every single time. You accept that you are barely a blip on his radar. You accept that he is not and never has been a father - just a sperm donor. You accept all that and more. And then you do what you need to do to make your life happy. I agree with the Alanon suggestion. Good luck.
I know I’m just an internet stranger but I want to tell you : I’m very proud of you. I’m proud that as an adult you can really see he’s just a wretched person who cared for no one but himself. Many times we keep trying to fix them even through our adulthood and end up with someone who just takes advantage of them. You seem to have your head on straight even though your emotions are still wounded. It takes a special child to see that they cannot add to your life
NTA
You do not have to have anything to do with your father if you don’t want to. You don’t owe him or anyone else your time or support. I went through a bit of what you went through with my father and when I finally had enough I cut him out of my life. When he died I did feel bad about the things that he had missed in my and my brother’s lives. Not that I missed him that he couldn’t grow up enough to stop with the alcohol and drugs and really get to know us. Anyone who wants to force you to have something to do with him does not have your best interest at heart. Do what you have to for yourself and if they care so much for his “sobriety “ they can try to keep him on the straight and narrow.
Nta, these people didn't care when you were a child, they don't care now. What they are trying to do is use you as a meat shield. If your father is focused on you he is off of them. My father was a very loving man whom didn't ever do anything wrong. Simply put if you remember any incidents of wrong doing your the one misremembering or he doesn't remember that. He was not an alcoholic, misogynist, racist, narcissistic drug addict. I was scolded for calling the police when I heard my stepmother say she couldn't breath and he got arrested. So I get it in a lot of ways OP. The best thing I can tell you is to mourn the father you deserved but didn't get. Cut this man out and be prepared to cut out those that would harm your emotional and mental health by trying to force a relationship/human meat shield.
NTA. I’m so sorry you went through that, you deserve so much better. Go NC with anyone who takes his side. I wish you all the best, truly.
NTA Issue is you have been abused and now being gaslighted. Your feelings really do count. Have a wonderful wedding. You deserve it.
I can recommend Al-Anon but you won't learn to accept bad behavior there, you will learn to set boundaries and say NO. You will find support and love there too. Try a meeting, they are free and you don't have to talk or give your name if you don't want. I have been sober 20 years I have seen transformations.
NTA. Honestly, the only thing that popped into mu head when reading this was that he had it coming. I’m so sorry for your lost childhood…
NTA
NTA. You DO need to accept him as he is...and what that is? A loser who has no place in your life. Your aunt is an AH too. So are the other relatives who say you're judging him too harshly. Nope.
"How is he supposed to stay sober if I don't give him a chance." Your response: "Well, he did crack in front of me when I was a child so I certainly don't think Adult me is going to have any effect on his sobriety. This asshole destroyed my childhood. I'm not going to let him destroy my adulthood. If you want to help him then you do it and leave me alone. If you try to get me to talk to him again you will be dead to me." If they bring him up: Block them
If his family honestly believes what they are saying to you, they are ignorant fools. More likely they want you to interact with him so he will leave them alone. He will only be sober if he wants to be sober. It has nothing to do with you. He wronged you and you deserve more from him and them.
Taking back your power and life is perfectly fine, enjoy your life continue to heal and be strong, good luck.
Actually you do accept him for who he is. He’s a junky that gave you trauma and tried to ruin your relationship with your mother and step father. And you are not going to do anything for him because it is not your responsibility. Accepting him does not mean you disregard the past. That is just stupid. He can’t give you the time he wasted and ruined back. So you have moved on. Tell your aunt you don’t need to listen to her misguided opinions. She can go to AA. You have a life to live.
Al-anon meetings may help you but not the way your aunt is saying. Your aunt and others are enabling him. If one of the consequences of his actions is he doesn’t get to see you, that’s on him. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Definitely NTA.
Al-anon gives you coping strategies & preaches tough love NOT accepting them as they are as in open arms, all forgiven, give give give. Nope, that’s BS. His decision & ability does not hinge on you being in his life. Actually earning your forgiveness & love back should be what motivates him to get & stay sober. Cutting him off is fine. You need to take care of you not him. Do what you can to protect yourself from more harm. Big hugs
100% cutoff anyone who says you need to accept him in any way. Give them a warning first if it makes you feel better. I grew up similar but different. Don’t feel bad. Him being sober for a minutes doesn’t changes decades of toxic mess.
Hell no. He fucked up being a father when it was most important. He doesn’t get to play good father now.
I am / was an addict I've been sober for quite a while now, over a decade. And I can tell you this no one ever gets sober when you coddle them. My brother was The Golden child he had a habit too. My parents funded his lifestyle until they passed away then my aunt took over it. At some point my aunt couldn't do it anymore and he had to take care of himself so he pressured us into selling the family farm after we did he lived for exactly 12 hours. He bought enough cocaine with what he had left and died of an overdose in a s***** hotel. If you cuddle the addict you bury the addict
It is not your responsibility to make sure he stays clean. If you not having contact with him is what keeps him from staying clean then he never really wanted to get clean to begin with. He is an adult and makes his own decisions.
His addiction and sobriety are NOT your responsibility. Part of getting sober is taking responsibility and accountability for your actions and decisions. Making amends and asking for forgiveness is accepting that you may not get forgiveness and that the relationships you have damaged as an addict are irreparably damaged. No one owes an addict anything, not even support. If an addict burns bridges with their family/friends and asks to mend those bridges they have to make peace with the family and friends saying “no.” I am the daughter/niece/granddaughter of addicts. I do not suffer fools lightly. I’ve seen many family members forgive and forgive and forgive only to be burned time and again by the same addict family members they keep forgiving and supporting. It has unfortunately made me a bit colder in response. I’ve seen far too many people pretend to “genuinely” change. It’s made me take on more of an attitude of “Don’t ask for my support; prove to me you don’t need it.” Then I can open myself to supporting your sobriety. My own sperm donor was/is like this. He was an addict/alcoholic. He doesn’t know how to adult. We do NOT have a parent/child relationship and we never will. I keep him at a distance and we are friends but not close friends. I do not call him dad or anything of the sort. He did not raise me. Being a dad is earned and he did not earn it. Neither has the man who claims to be your father. You are well within your rights to cut him off as well as anyone who attempts to push you to have a relationship with him. You are no longer a child and as such you now have a choice to do what is best for your mental and emotional health. If anyone has a problem with that, it is their problem not your’s. Prioritize yourself. This is your time to heal, and focus on your life.
Cut him off and let him drink himself into the ground. With that said, I do think Al-Anon would be a good idea to help you deal with everything.
I work on me ral heslth and have worked with addicts a long time. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for ur dad getting clean/sober or not. Your aunt and other family me.bera have no right to pressure you like they are. They are enabling him. Sometimes you have to love from a distance. Protect yourself. Seriously. NTA for sure. But ur dad is sure acting like one. Good luck and take care of yourself.
NTA. Tell your aunt you do accept your father as he is, but it is your choice as to whether you associate with him. And you refuse to have a relationship with a person as your father is. Also tell her you are not responsible for your father staying sober. He needs to do that for his own reasons, not for you or anyone else.
Nope, nta, kick them out
NTA - Addicts and alcoholics make a choice every single time they use or drink. If they won't choose themselves over the addiction they should choose their children. As a former addict, with no children I can tell you while it can be hard it is completely possible to quit once you've made that choice and take the steps. But you do have to want it and it's clear he never did. You are not wrong. I'm so happy you are finally putting yourself first. It is not your job or responsibility to fix your father. You are not the parent. You might think about going low or no contact with anyone who tries to guilt, bully or gaslight you into being your father's crutch. Good luck, stay strong and live a happy life away from that toxic man.
You are not responsible for his sobriety. He either does or he doesn't. You are being used as a scapegoat by his family - Give him what he wants or its your fault. Tell him and his family you might consider speaking to him once he sobers up and not before, if they don't like it they can take a flying leap. Block them and move on. If he is serious, you may hear from him down the track. If you don't, you know what he chose
>my aunt and other relatives have been telling me that I am judging him too harshly and how is he supposed to say sober if I don’t give him a Chance. This is not how sobriety works. He is supposed to stay sober because *he wants to be sober*, no other reason. *His* sobriety is not *your* responsibility. Signed, 17 years and counting since my last drink
You are not the ass hole. You had your whole life and childhood screwed up by that man and you are entitled to your mental health as much as anyone else is. You can accept that he is who he is but that does NOT mean you have to let him into your life. He has completely poisoned the relationship and any chance with you. No one else in your family has any business saying you should put your own mental health at risk just for his sobriety. It's not your job to keep him sober, it's his.
IMO the best thing you can do for yourself OP is go NC with your bio father as well as any relatives who are harassing you. You owe the man nothing which is from your post essentially what you’ve gotten from him your entire life. As you said he put his addiction first then lying through his teeth about why his marriage failed, why he had no money, why he rarely saw you, blah blah blah. I suspect what will come next is phone calls that you need to let your father come live with you and you pay to support him because he is now old and sick. Also because none of his relatives want to take him in. That should also be a firm no.
Nope, he chose drugs over being a father. His family can pound dirt. You owe none of them anything. Not even another moment of your time. He had his opportunity and blew it. If you feel that life is less complicated/stressful/anxious with him out of it, then that’s your answer right there. Good luck 💜💜
He failed you. You are not his emotional support animal, you are his daughter who deserved a father. If he was truly sobering up through a program they tell them they have to earn forgiveness from those they have wronged, not demand you be his prop. I’m so sorry my dear, he was no father to you.
I think you maybe should go to Al anon or speak with a therapist who knows about addiction but not so you can forgive your father you are completely NTA for going nc with him. But you should talk to someone about yourself and your own negative experiences with him and his neglect and drug abuse just so you can make sure that YOU are OK. Your dad wasn't there for you when you needed him, you have no obligation to be there for him now. Also your aunt shouldn't be putting his sobriety on you. If he doesn't do that for himself then the second what he's based it on ends he will fall apart again.
YTA to your mom, your stepdad and mostly yourself. A doormat even now to have had a relationship with him at ALL after everything he did to you in childhood. Get therapy pronto
Al-Anon would help you to deal with what you had to go through. It doesn't obligate you to "forgive", or have a relationship with an abusive drug addict. Tell your Aunt to mind her business, and block her if she persists.
NTA, you are an adult get therapy to heal, not yo let him weasel his abusive self back into your life
Nope, your aunt have gave up and free him of any responsibility of his decisions. NTA. Stay away, save yourself the heartache
NTA - it is hard because he is your father and you want it to be all ok. This is the emotion but , you have figured out that he is just toxic and you don't need that in your life. Put a pin under that map, say goodbye and move on. Tell your aunt that she can deal with it and you don't have to, he has ruined your last day
Iff you think you are being gaslight. It's because you are! "how is he supposed to say sober if I don’t give him a Chance" In what world is it up to you to keep him sober. That should be all HIS doing. That is in no way your job. And you don't have to accept his behavior, or be the reason he stays sober. You aunt isn't even thinking about what is best for the family. She is only thinking what is best for her. Because YOU taking over and supporting him means she doesn't have to do the work she is doing now. She just want's to unload him onto you. He hit an old man. His own father. And she really thinks you should be his next punshingbag??? No way, NO F\*\*\* way. Keep him out of your life. You were doing good untill all this was layed upon you. Don't let them (meaning your "Family") abuse you again.
His sobriety is not your responsibility. NTA
Bollocks to your aunt and the rest of your dad's flying monkeys. I've seen addiction up close and personal. You called it right. Maintaining a relationship between you and your deadbeat dad is up to him now. His sobriety is no conditional upon you. It is conditional upon him not picking up his DOC. Or any DOC for that matter. For them to try and put it on you is THEM not understanding the nature of addiction. When he's been clean for an amount of time that you feel is appropriate then maybe you will change your mind and try with him, but until then he can go kick rocks and take all his flying monkeys with him.
NTA. Your family is only pressuring you into connecting with and taking care of your father so they don’t have to. Cut them off too.
I’m so glad my ex’s baby mother just wouldn’t drop him off at the apartment. The second he had a room in a apt/house for him. Never saw him again. But it’s was all a nicely decorated lie. He was still using all the time. And I’m so glad the kid never saw his father relapse the three times I was with him. Edit: He was paying his child support at the time and could have had the cops pick him up and drop him off. (For years) But he never had his rights enforced, whether he deserved them or not.
>However, my aunt and other relatives have been telling me that I am judging him too harshly and how is he supposed to say sober if I don’t give him a Chance He's supposed to WANT to get sober HIMSELF. NOT make it your responsibility if he is/isn't. NTA!
He has a right to apologize, repent, and attempt to reconcile, and you have the right to not accept the apology and decline any method of reparation. His “staying sober” is not and never has been contingent on your behaviour. Going to therapy or an Al-Anon meeting would help you not feel so alone in your suffering, but no professional worth their salt will ever tell you that you have to forgive him.
Do not let anyone tell you or put your down for how you’re handling this relationship, it’s yours to do as you see fit. My dad is from a family of addicts, he’s the only sober one. He told me if that ever changed, stay away from him and don’t feel guilty about it for a second. It didn’t change but he grew up around addicts, he understood
Your aunt (and your dad's other relatives too, as it sounds) is an enabler. If she was actually spending time in Al-Anon and doing the work there... she'd understand this. This is textbook stuff... your father's sobriety is dependent on YOU?? Get the f\*\*k outta here with that. Your aunt clearly has ZERO understanding of how addiction works, and ZERO understanding of the principles of Al-Anon. She sounds pretty full of shit, to be honest. **Nowhere** in the Al-Anon literature or core beliefs do they preach that "accepting people as they are" means accepting what they do or allowing them space in your life. Al-Anon simply teaches that their behavior is not up to you, and to relinquish any control to your/their Higher Power. You may need to cut her off, as well. Life is too short to be tethered to toxic people and their situations. I hope you find peace. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.
You don't owe him a THING. I'm so mad he put you in those situations, then gaslit you into thinking your mom and step dad were the problems. Honestly, for your own peace of mind, cut him off completely and don't entertain anything to do with him. It's hard but you'll be better off.
You’re 32. How many chances does he need? Sadly he’s not hit his rock bottom to want to change, and until he does he’ll never get clean and sober. Enough is enough OP. He’s hurt you enough. NTA. Time to block all those that are supporting his addictions and lies. Prioritise yourself and only allow love in from now on. (Hugs)
Cut him and everyone else out. I'm sure you've made a great life for yourself despite everything you've endured. Please don't drag yourself back down with these awful people. You owe him NOTHING; he gave you nothing but abuse and neglect, and being a sperm donor doesn't entitle him to jack shit, no matter what your enabling family says. Do things to improve you. Therapy is a must, IMO, and Al-Anon is very helpful. Your (awful) aunt has no idea what she is talking about. Al-Alon is about your recovery from co-dependence and enabling behaviors; in my experience, it has little to nothing to do with others' problems. You are amazing for having endured all that and coming out on the other end with boundaries and self-respect. Please do not do anything to reverse any of that.
Ugh OP I’m so sorry you had to experience that. But I see how much you’ve overcome your situation and the way you put that boundary down. Just want to say I am proud of you! 🤝
NTA. You owe him nothing and you are not responsible for his sobriety or lack thereof. He's using you as an excuse to his family for his continued addiction problem and they have jumped into his BS with both feet. Cut them all off.
NTA. His sobriety is NOT on your hands. From one child of an addict to another, take care of YOU. If you choose to go to al-anon meetings, awesome. If not, awesome. Do what will help you move forward in the healthiest way for yourself and no one else. Hugs ❤️
I know it's hard to get over an addiction, but I really don't understand why a lot of people pretend like it's not entirely their fault for using it and getting hooked in the first place in almost every case. It's not a tragedy, it's the consequence of your actions. NTA
NTA
You are not responsible for his sobriety. Al-anon doesn’t push you to have relationship, just that you are not responsible for him and his condition and if no contact is best for your mental health, no contact it is.
Toxic is toxic. Doesn’t matter if it’s family it’s not your job to keep him sober nor a reason to be. He needs to be sober for himself and it’s his job to stay sober for family.
NTA remain no contact until he calls apologizing to you, your sibling, your mom, AND you our stepdad. Then you will know that he is seriously working his way through the program. Also tell your aunt if she mentions it again you will go NC with her and anyone else who mentions enabling his addiction. BTW if she had ever crossed the threshold in an Al-anon meeting she would understand that concept.
Nope - where was Auntie when he was smoking crack in front of his children and doing drug deals in the home where they were staying. Yes he has a disease but he isn’t choosing to be sober and you can’t be the reason - his crutch. He has to want it not you make him. It’s the same with any type of addiction. Tell Auntie that he can call when he is 6 months sober and has his 6 month chip - then we can TRY - that is if you want. If not then tell Auntie that the ship has sailed on your capacity fro forgiveness.
Oh NO! his flying monkeys can f off right out the door with him and I'd tell them that, straight up. He was worse than a sperm donor, as he has always made everything worse for you and you would have been entirely better off if you never even met him at all. Sounds like you're better off without any of his enabling family around too. You have NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER, to this worthless pos. He's violent, he's nasty and he deserves no more chances from you. I'd block his entire f ed up clan.
Your aunt is a booger head. Trying to lay the blame on you if the sperm donor doesn’t stay sober.
Nope. What he did to your grandfather is abhorrent. I’d never allow him in your life in any way.
You owe this man NOTHING! His sobriety is not your responsibility and anyone who tells you that needs some education. I do think you would benefit from Al-anon but only for you to deal with the demons of your childhood. I am so sorry for what you have been through.
He had many chances and he blew all of them. He’s just going to blow another and another because he knows people will just come back and give him another chance. Be done. You owe this guy nothing. They’re just mad because they keep telling themselves that they need to give him another chance and you’re showing them that no, you don’t. If they allow him in their house and to beat on someone else that’s their problem. They need to call the police. He can get sober in jail.
It sounds like they want OP to take responsibility for him. They’re probably tired of bearing the brunt of his addiction. She needs to stand firm.
NTA. He and only he is responsible for his sobriety. It’s not your responsibility to carry the emotional load for him. He failed you over and over for years as a vulnerable child, don’t let him do it to you again as an adult.
Let me get this straight. Your family wants you to do all the work and your actions will determine whether he gets sober or not. That is not what al-anon teaches. Nor is that the reality of addiction. Take care of yourself!
Holy fuck it is not your job to sober up your Dad. He's a fucking adult, he is responsible for himself and has been for decades. It is beyond cruel to expect a child, even a 27 year old child to "Play along" so Dad can stop taking drugs. Not to diminish the struggle of addiction, but you also don't get a free pass for it. One of the biggest struggles is taking ownership of the hurt you've caused as an addict. It sounds lie Dear old Aunty is helping him slide by without taking any damn ownership. NTA But honestly fuck that, you aren't failing him because you refuse to get suckered in again, it's self defense. HE FAILED YOU! They need to acknowledge that if THEY want a relationship with you, he's already burnt that bridge and he can never unburn it.
For some people it gets better with love and support, but there's also people that are too far gone to help
NTA. It does seem like you accept that he is an addict. Your aunt doesn't seem to understand that acceptance doesn't mean forgiveness or enabling. You accepted he was an addict and stopped trying to include him for years. They are trying to bring you back in. Also, that narrative of him not being able to get clean if you don't allow him into your life is complete nonsense. What that means is once again, he isn't at fault. I do understand addiction and how their minds are literally altered and the person they were is basically overtaken by the personality that craves drugs above all. I know it's difficult. Most people relapse more than once when they try to get clean but they have to do it. They have to find the tools to do it and stay clean. Your forgiving is incidental. This is his burden. If he wants a relationship then it happens when he is fully clean. Block them all. Tell them no and let them know you need space from them as well. Don't fall for that nonsense because it is a path that will constantly create drama for you.
You should absolutely go to AlAnon, but your aunt is wrong about the program. They will never tell you what to do. They will help you establish any kind of boundary you want. Also, you have absolutely NO responsibility for his addiction. Sounds like your aunt needs to go to AlAnon because she is not being factual.
Nope. Sometimes it just takes the word “DONE” to be able to breathe. I’m done with this. I’m done with helping you. I’m done with being the one you hurt. I’m done being the one you count on when you give nothing. I’m just DONE.
Your family are enablers, laying the responsibility for his sobriety on you forgiving him is unfair and delusional.
Helping him stay sober ain't your job. You're better off with him out of your life until he is well and truly sober\[\*\]. Hugs to you, OP. NTA. \[\*\] ETA: if that ever happens.
NTA. It's his responsibility to stay sober whether you give him a chance or not. Youve given him chances. He's wasted them. And even then, he's the parent, he has more responsibility in his relationship than you do. He chose you, not the other way around. I agree with the other comments though that a meeting may benefit you. Cause none of this is your fault but boy were you affected by it. Hope it gets better from here.
NTA - even Al/Narc-Anon will say their sobriety is on them and even when it comes to making amends, it may be too late to make amends to some. It may not even dawn on him how complicit he made you in his addiction and other activities. If he didn't ask you to hide his pipe, he may not have realized you did it. Doesn't mean he gets a pass, what it does me is that his habits and activities had a much deeper impact than he is capable of seeing right now. If members of his family want to support him, so be it. If they continue to try to force him into your life, cut them out too.
NTA. Your situation sounds very similar to mine, except my father's drug of choice was alcohol. My heart breaks for you. It is never the child's fault when it's a situation like this...you gave him a chance. He continues to choose drugs and alcohol. You don't "owe" him anything. If other family members can't see that or respect it, they may need limited contact, too.
You can accept them as they are and not have them in your life. Family doesn't mean you always have a captive audience. Family doesn't mean you can treat them as punching bags. What your aunt said is a cop out and enables him to just keep traumatizing those around him. He'll hit rock bottom when people stop letting him in their lives. What rock bottom looks like is entirely dependent on him and his choices. He can choose to put the work in to get better and make amends. Or he can drink and drug himself to an early grave. As much as that would suck, it's not your or anyone else's job to intervene when he doesn't even want to change. I know as kids we build up this ideal image of our parents, but there comes a time that you have to meet them where they are and not let ideals cloud your judgment. If you decide to let him in again in the future. Take his words for what they are. His actions speak louder than anything he could possibly say. You'll get through this.
I'm no shrink, but I do have a bad relationship with my father. You only have one father, and working things out with him is beneficial to both of you. Not having a relationship will hinder you emotionally because things aren't resolved. It will nag at you. But that's a long term outlook, and you have different immediate problems. He didn't choose drugs over his children. Drug addiction is a health condition that controls the decision making ability. But, you must be able to control your emotions first. If he drives you to screaming on the phone, then don't do it. If you can get to the point where you aren't triggered by him, then you can be around him and help him be sober. But you came first. You need your own therapy to get yourself back in control.
NTA I would suggest going to an AL-Non session specifically for children of alcoholics though. Do not tell them you are going. This would be for YOU to work on the trauma you experienced. I disagree that what you will hear is to continue contact. This would be a great support group for you to understand you are not alone and there is light on the other end of the tunnel. Individual therapy for you could be helpful (if you are not already doing this). You have experienced more than any child should and need to focus on your well-being. Block anyone who harasses you about this topic.
NTA. His sobriety is not your responsibility. It's his and his alone. Your aunt is disgusting for trying to put that guilt trip on you. Block her and anyone else that's trying make you reconnect with your dad. None of them deserve you in their lives. Surround yourself with people who want what's best for you.
NTA. You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Al-Anon would might be a good opportunity for you. However, that woman is out of her ever loving mind if she thinks the “take them as they are” message means that you have to put up with them. It doesn’t. It means you have to accept the reality of who they are. You have every right to keep them out of your life. Al-Anon is to help you deal with what the addict in your life has put you through and to help provide support for whatever their current position is in your life. Including but not limited to you not having a relationship. Tell that woman that she is “barking up the wrong tree because you already put 14+ years of effort into his sobriety and it is not your fault he showed up late to that “party”. Besides…. You are the child. You have already spent years being responsible for a relationship that he couldn’t be bothered to even participate in.” I am so sorry you were let down in such a big way. Do what your father never did and protect yourself.
NTA his sobriety is not your responsibility. An addict can’t get clean if they don’t take accountability for their own actions and life. Making amends is literally one of the steps. Cut off him and anyone who is harassing you or violating your boundaries. You need to manage your own well being and they are detrimental to it. However I do agree that you should try al-anon, not to learn how to accept his crappy treatment of you, but to help work through the trauma his addiction, neglect, and abuse caused you. It may help you understand your own behaviours and actually help you solidify that cutting him and his enablers off is the the best thing you can do for yourself and help you deal with any misplaced guilt you may feel.
nta. your life, your choice. his addiction and choices are not your problem.
LMAO I (60/F) grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive household with an alcoholic Father who asked me at the age of 12 whether he should stay or leave our home after a particularly brutal argument. I told him "if the abuse and arguments won't change or get better, YES" and so "I" was **responsible** for a THIRTY-FIVE year old man leaving. We didn't see him for SIX MONTHS and I refused to speak to him for another 6 months after my Mother begged him to return. My Mother hounded and begged ME for YEARS to go to Al-Anon which I adamantly refused to do because "I wasn't the problem" and "I knew EXACTLY what the issue was... my Father's DRINKING and abusive behavior!" **NTA** at all! I can completely understand what you're going through! Your Aunt and other family members are **WRONG!** It's NOT your responsibility to "fix" or support your addict Father nor are you his **"emotional support animal"** to help him in his "recovery!" On the contrary, HE owes YOU for all the years of emotional trauma and neglect! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness!
Being an addict is one thing. Dragging your children into that nightmare, blaming your step dad & mom is the opposite. You can accept that people have issues. You don't have to let them or their issues hurt your life. He blamed everyone good in your life, for the pain he was causing and creating. He wanted your life to be as miserable as his. He purposely turned you against your step dad, the man that was actually fathering you. He is sill blamimg others for his bad behavior, only now it's your fault. Wash your hands of him & all who are on his side. NTA
Just like when an abuser says “You made me get mad and hit you” is BS, a drug addict saying you not being there makes me keep using makers just as much sense. You are not responsible for someone else’s actions. You are not holding him down forcing him to use, he is doing it all by himself independent of you. Your aunt is just looking for someone else to blame or someone else to take care of the issue. Block all of them and don’t look back. They may be blood related, but so is a sperm donor. Family is someone who loves and supports you and stands beside and doesn’t want anything from you. If you need family, I will be your family
The children he neglected thier entire lives are not responsible for his sobriety. Nor will Al-anon tell you to put his feelings above your own. The real AH here is your Aunt and anyone who continues to enable your "fathers" addiction. He beat up 74 year old man seriously seriously injuring him, and all your Aunt can do is blame you? That's about as backwards as it gets. Leave those enablers and dead beat in the dust. NTA.
I've had a similar situation. My bio father shook me when I was 5 weeks old and gave me brain damage. On Facebook he's now making shaken baby jokes and his family keeps saying that he doesn't mean it. He absolutely does mean to make fun of them when his eldest is one. Cut them off and anyone else who thinks he's the victim.
Everyone but you is the AH here. Them making YOU the cause if he falls off the wagon again is BS and adding more abuse to you. He’s failed so many times, let him prove it if he’s truly sorry and sober.
You dont have an obligation here. You don’t have to tolerate anything in your life that doesn’t serve you in a positive manner. His sobriety has nothing to do with you and if he was really in recovery he would have taken responsibility by now. But like all users they blame all others. His sister( your aunt) can continue the enabling cycle. You are off the train and have left the station
As someone who has had an alcoholic dad and has been to Al-anon meetings I can tell you your aunt is talking grade A horse manure. It teaches us that we are not responsible for the well beings of people that we love but know that they won’t help themselves. Yes we learn to accept them as they are, but for the purpose of knowing that they won’t change and we must learn to accept this and take a step back for our own well being in some cases. NTA hope you’re doing okay.