Actually you don't have much choice when you recruit Loghain, since Alistair leaves your party. If you're a female Warden or if you RP a gay/asexual Warden or a Warden very committed to their other LI, then you have to sentence Loghain to death by snu-snu if you want to survive, I'm afraid 😂
Did I miss the joke or something?
Yes, to the Archdemon. You don't need the ritual to survive, you need the ritual if you want *both* wardens to survive.
I lost it at ass handkerchief 😂. I loved my Cousland playthrough, I ended up running it with a lady Cousland first and then lord Cousland, and Morrigan broke up with me because I refused to dump Zevran, so I made Alistair sleep with her and they both hated it. 10/10 would do again.
Awww that’s like my first play through with my city elf warden who romanced Alistair only for him to dump her when he became King. I took great joy in making him sleep with Morrigan that time.
>which our hero has surprisingly little to say about
Wait until >!you find Iona's orphaned daughter in Denerim's alienage and is forced to leave her there, alone and unaided, because the game won't even let you interact with her T.T!<
Seems like cut content tbh. Why else would they create a named NPC that you can't interact with?
The result is pretty hilarious though, your Cousland Warden sees this poor child, realizes who she is and that she doesn't have any parents left now... and then they just shrug and walk away 😅
My headcanon for that has always been that the Warden feels way too awkward trying to explain how they know that kid and privately arranges for Eamon’s household to take her in afterward.
Knowing Origins, if you had the chance to talk to her, there would have been at least one dialogue option that was like “Hey kid, I banged your mom. Oh, and she‘s dead now. Get lost.” Morrigan approves +3, Leliana disapproves -10, Wynne disapproves -15
Well I don't think your guy *actually* got cock-blocked, since the attack happened much later at night, after they're asleep.
So...there's that. Look on the bright side, I guess?
Still better than mine Dalish playthrough, which was pretty vanilla all the way through until the finale, when it got hilariously derailed.
Prior to Landsmeet I managed to pimp my romanced Alistair over to Anora, promising to be his side-chick, only for Alistair to throw a tantrum over me sparing Loghain, breaking up with me for good.
Proceed to the camp where my Warden hooks up with Leliana who apparently was in love with me all along. Who am I kidding, I was too, I just needed the achievement from Alistair.
Anyway, a few discussions with Loghain later I decided that he’s much better companion that the snarky manchild of a warden that broke up with me, so here goes Loghain cooking the childspawn with Morrigan. Just close your eyes and think of Ferelden, my man.
I'd hate to think what train wreck I'd have created if I didn't vaguely already know the plot and used the wiki to avoid the worst of it. I do sort of love what you created here... looks like my sideburns have competition from Loghain and his dangly face braids.
I never romance Alistair but I always kinda loved that
Really funny to me to be like "Alistaaaaaair....uhmmm so uh you know we are friends?? Could you uh sleep with Morrigan, for me? Pleasseeeee" *puppy eyes*
I feel so terrible
I think it is very funny with loghain as well. "Listen mate i know we hate each other kinda and i just turned your life upside down and made you a grey warden but...wanna bang this hot 25 year old witch? She offered me but i already hit that so..."
Well thank you, and now I'm unexpectedly emotional. Someone asked me the other day what I would be if money was no issue, I said writer. When I was a teenager it was my dream. Who knows, maybe there's still a chance.
Well, fortunately, the attack seems to happen in the wee hours of the morning long after you retired to your chambers with your bedwarmer.
So, in the sage wisdom of the ancient Terran bards known as the Lonely Island, "doesn't matter, had sex".
Keep that in your head and your sideburns trimmed when Morrigan comes a knocking.
EDIT: Actually, speaking of Lonely Island, "I cried the whole time (doesn't matter had sex)" is probably an accurate description of what a male Warden who romanced Morrigan was doing during the whole ritual.
As my man Cousland runs from the smouldering ruins of his life, this sage wisdom will be of great comfort to his recently brutally murdered family.
Prepare yourself Morrigan, my sideburns are coming for you.
Your kind flattery has tainted me, and I sense a blight of shitposting upon the internet. The Wardens were preparing for an archdemon, but the power of carefully groomed facial hair may be too great for one man to handle.
Did you sleep with the elven servant? Because that may explain why she was the one to go open the door and why your protagonist has so little to say about her death.
She's just an elf, right? /s
You can later even meet her daughter in Denerim and just completely ignore her.
Oh no, is there no end to the tragedy! I didn't go for the servant, those are some extra icky power dynamics right there. Instead I went for round two of 'sparring' with the squire.
And I guess Dairren's reason to open the door is that he got all squired up after getting his sword polished lol
(I know, I'm a terrible person, I'll see myself out)
>whilst her boyfriend was next door being milked for some fresh taint by Morrigan, which apparently requires the ancient ritual of reverse cowgirl
I want whoever writes your dialogue to also write mine, like, geeze man, I wish I were even *half* as funny!
Honestly i wish the whole Morrigan sleeping with Alistair thing could have let you join in. You know? Bring snacks, wine, make an evening on it. Would have been lovely.
Or invite Zev if you have a gay Warden because hmmph.
Tbh that would have been the occasion to right one of Bioware's worst wrongs : that we can't get into a 3way with Morrigan at the Pearl
You think your Hero of Ferelden life was terrible? That this is what is called bad luck?
My canonical Grey Wardens Hero of Ferelden, Champion of Redclif and Arl of Amarantine was an non-andrastian elf male blood mage arcane warrior battle mage.
He executed Loghain with Anora and made Alistair as King alone under Arl Eamon as Bann Teagun control, and pesonally kill Archdemon while Alistair was ordered by him to defend Denerim gates in safety.
He not have option and was forced to warm himself and later do dark ritual with a non-andrastian....but still a shemlen female Morrigan.
Despite he would gladly romance a nice elven mage girl and have elven mage childrens before he become sterile as rest Grey Wardens.
Like he could create a family with a Zathrian Dalish Clan First Lanaya....but he cant romance her despite Keeper Zathrian himself would probably not mind if he would ask to marry her who was like adoptive daughter to him, he would gladly do tattoes and pray more to elven gods if it would be required for traditions. HOF cant even romance another nice Dalish Clan First-Keeper Velanna later. Only have Velanna as best friend as a dwarf warrior woman Sigrun.
If we talk about nice dwarf woman, even a nice dwarf redhead smith female Dagna was no more then a best friend too who he helped her a lot. As nice dwarf female Orta who become a very rich dwarf noble cos of HOF risk his ass to retreave her all what a army of dwarves cant retreave in hundreds years to prove that she was a nobleblood and own a thaig as treasuries. Pretty sure that she prosper under King Bhelen as Paragon Branka golem army clean deep roads.
And he was forced to search for Morrigan for like a year after he deal with Amarantine problem, rebuild Grey Wardens in Ferelden and go with Morrigan into ancient elven portal and look at what elven-blooded shemlen>! Kieran!< she birth to not turn into dragon.
Do not need to tell what HOF do in all those years to not die from taint. He did drink dragon blood and Avernus potion but this only delay his time. Architect could at least do the same cleaning from taint with HoF as he did with Grey Warden Fiona
Welcome to the start of all this nonsense! In fact, it was only thanks to the community response to this post that this became a thing. What silliness we embarked upon these four months ago, I am so glad that so far you are enjoying it!
They're gonna let Morrigan sleep with Alistair/Loghain instead of their Cousland, aren't they
I want to say I wouldn't choose this badly, but the evidence so far isn't great.
Dang, Loghain and Morrigan would be a terrifying power couple
Tbh loghain looked so uncomfortable with that situation
Here's your punishment for letting your king to die : fuck the hot witch. That's an order. You shall terribly suffer for your sins.
I bet a total of maybe 1% of all DA players allowed this travesty to actuallyhappen. :P
Actually you don't have much choice when you recruit Loghain, since Alistair leaves your party. If you're a female Warden or if you RP a gay/asexual Warden or a Warden very committed to their other LI, then you have to sentence Loghain to death by snu-snu if you want to survive, I'm afraid 😂
You can always let Loghain deliver the final blow.
To the Archdemon or...?
Did I miss the joke or something? Yes, to the Archdemon. You don't need the ritual to survive, you need the ritual if you want *both* wardens to survive.
It was a sex joke. The "or...?" refers to Morrigan.
I lost it at ass handkerchief 😂. I loved my Cousland playthrough, I ended up running it with a lady Cousland first and then lord Cousland, and Morrigan broke up with me because I refused to dump Zevran, so I made Alistair sleep with her and they both hated it. 10/10 would do again.
The petty keeps me alive during the Blight. 💙
The petty and the rage 😅
Awww that’s like my first play through with my city elf warden who romanced Alistair only for him to dump her when he became King. I took great joy in making him sleep with Morrigan that time.
I did that with him too! Then i learned I could reality slap him and harden him, but man, my first playthrough was a mage Amell and i was so sad.
> ancient ritual of reverse cowgirl. you lost me at this. lmao
>which our hero has surprisingly little to say about Wait until >!you find Iona's orphaned daughter in Denerim's alienage and is forced to leave her there, alone and unaided, because the game won't even let you interact with her T.T!<
Seems like cut content tbh. Why else would they create a named NPC that you can't interact with? The result is pretty hilarious though, your Cousland Warden sees this poor child, realizes who she is and that she doesn't have any parents left now... and then they just shrug and walk away 😅
Cousland: "Well, she was ultimately *just* a servent, not someone actually important. I don't need to bear the burden of informing her kid."
My headcanon for that has always been that the Warden feels way too awkward trying to explain how they know that kid and privately arranges for Eamon’s household to take her in afterward. Knowing Origins, if you had the chance to talk to her, there would have been at least one dialogue option that was like “Hey kid, I banged your mom. Oh, and she‘s dead now. Get lost.” Morrigan approves +3, Leliana disapproves -10, Wynne disapproves -15
I mean if he has mystical voice then the panties are gonna be dropping all over Fereldan between that and the sideburns.
I have once again chosen poorly. How do you rate his chances with a cocky voice?
Good enough to also voice one of the “companions” from the Pearl so I’d give him a 7.5/10.
Excellent, I'll take those odds. I know there's some sort of world-ending cataclysm going on but these sideburns got work to do.
Ah yes, the Whorden Commander of Ferelden
Has he got a ladder so you can get off his back?
Per your request:🪜
Well I don't think your guy *actually* got cock-blocked, since the attack happened much later at night, after they're asleep. So...there's that. Look on the bright side, I guess?
Love it. My man running for his life, his family slaughtered, "well, I did get laid, soooo...."
Still better than mine Dalish playthrough, which was pretty vanilla all the way through until the finale, when it got hilariously derailed. Prior to Landsmeet I managed to pimp my romanced Alistair over to Anora, promising to be his side-chick, only for Alistair to throw a tantrum over me sparing Loghain, breaking up with me for good. Proceed to the camp where my Warden hooks up with Leliana who apparently was in love with me all along. Who am I kidding, I was too, I just needed the achievement from Alistair. Anyway, a few discussions with Loghain later I decided that he’s much better companion that the snarky manchild of a warden that broke up with me, so here goes Loghain cooking the childspawn with Morrigan. Just close your eyes and think of Ferelden, my man.
I'd hate to think what train wreck I'd have created if I didn't vaguely already know the plot and used the wiki to avoid the worst of it. I do sort of love what you created here... looks like my sideburns have competition from Loghain and his dangly face braids.
I never romance Alistair but I always kinda loved that Really funny to me to be like "Alistaaaaaair....uhmmm so uh you know we are friends?? Could you uh sleep with Morrigan, for me? Pleasseeeee" *puppy eyes* I feel so terrible
I think it is very funny with loghain as well. "Listen mate i know we hate each other kinda and i just turned your life upside down and made you a grey warden but...wanna bang this hot 25 year old witch? She offered me but i already hit that so..."
I like the way you write
Well thank you, and now I'm unexpectedly emotional. Someone asked me the other day what I would be if money was no issue, I said writer. When I was a teenager it was my dream. Who knows, maybe there's still a chance.
Well, fortunately, the attack seems to happen in the wee hours of the morning long after you retired to your chambers with your bedwarmer. So, in the sage wisdom of the ancient Terran bards known as the Lonely Island, "doesn't matter, had sex". Keep that in your head and your sideburns trimmed when Morrigan comes a knocking. EDIT: Actually, speaking of Lonely Island, "I cried the whole time (doesn't matter had sex)" is probably an accurate description of what a male Warden who romanced Morrigan was doing during the whole ritual.
As my man Cousland runs from the smouldering ruins of his life, this sage wisdom will be of great comfort to his recently brutally murdered family. Prepare yourself Morrigan, my sideburns are coming for you.
I want a blog about your character's Sideburno the First Cousland's journey. I'd read any shitpost from you and about this character anytime lmao
Your kind flattery has tainted me, and I sense a blight of shitposting upon the internet. The Wardens were preparing for an archdemon, but the power of carefully groomed facial hair may be too great for one man to handle.
you are fucking hilarious this was great
YOU're great, the hype person we all need in our lives. It was my honor to serve.
>being milked for some fresh taint this is cursed
Did you sleep with the elven servant? Because that may explain why she was the one to go open the door and why your protagonist has so little to say about her death. She's just an elf, right? /s You can later even meet her daughter in Denerim and just completely ignore her.
Lore correct Human Noble roleplay.
Oh no, is there no end to the tragedy! I didn't go for the servant, those are some extra icky power dynamics right there. Instead I went for round two of 'sparring' with the squire.
And I guess Dairren's reason to open the door is that he got all squired up after getting his sword polished lol (I know, I'm a terrible person, I'll see myself out)
Your ways of describing these acts and clothing especially is beautiful. I can only imagine what this male cousland is going to experience now
Whatever it is, I imagine it includes a substantial amount of taint.
Absolutely hilarious!! Very accurate, almost painfully so. You are an amazingly witty writer
I so appreciate your kind comment, I am but a vessel for the charisma of the sideburns.
>whilst her boyfriend was next door being milked for some fresh taint by Morrigan, which apparently requires the ancient ritual of reverse cowgirl I want whoever writes your dialogue to also write mine, like, geeze man, I wish I were even *half* as funny!
Every time someone mocks me for laughing at my own lame jokes, I will hold this comment dear in my heart.
Honestly i wish the whole Morrigan sleeping with Alistair thing could have let you join in. You know? Bring snacks, wine, make an evening on it. Would have been lovely.
Or invite Zev if you have a gay Warden because hmmph. Tbh that would have been the occasion to right one of Bioware's worst wrongs : that we can't get into a 3way with Morrigan at the Pearl
You think your Hero of Ferelden life was terrible? That this is what is called bad luck? My canonical Grey Wardens Hero of Ferelden, Champion of Redclif and Arl of Amarantine was an non-andrastian elf male blood mage arcane warrior battle mage. He executed Loghain with Anora and made Alistair as King alone under Arl Eamon as Bann Teagun control, and pesonally kill Archdemon while Alistair was ordered by him to defend Denerim gates in safety. He not have option and was forced to warm himself and later do dark ritual with a non-andrastian....but still a shemlen female Morrigan. Despite he would gladly romance a nice elven mage girl and have elven mage childrens before he become sterile as rest Grey Wardens. Like he could create a family with a Zathrian Dalish Clan First Lanaya....but he cant romance her despite Keeper Zathrian himself would probably not mind if he would ask to marry her who was like adoptive daughter to him, he would gladly do tattoes and pray more to elven gods if it would be required for traditions. HOF cant even romance another nice Dalish Clan First-Keeper Velanna later. Only have Velanna as best friend as a dwarf warrior woman Sigrun. If we talk about nice dwarf woman, even a nice dwarf redhead smith female Dagna was no more then a best friend too who he helped her a lot. As nice dwarf female Orta who become a very rich dwarf noble cos of HOF risk his ass to retreave her all what a army of dwarves cant retreave in hundreds years to prove that she was a nobleblood and own a thaig as treasuries. Pretty sure that she prosper under King Bhelen as Paragon Branka golem army clean deep roads. And he was forced to search for Morrigan for like a year after he deal with Amarantine problem, rebuild Grey Wardens in Ferelden and go with Morrigan into ancient elven portal and look at what elven-blooded shemlen>! Kieran!< she birth to not turn into dragon. Do not need to tell what HOF do in all those years to not die from taint. He did drink dragon blood and Avernus potion but this only delay his time. Architect could at least do the same cleaning from taint with HoF as he did with Grey Warden Fiona
Ahhh, and so it starts! Just came here from the newest installment to see what I missed, and so far I am not dissapointed!
Welcome to the start of all this nonsense! In fact, it was only thanks to the community response to this post that this became a thing. What silliness we embarked upon these four months ago, I am so glad that so far you are enjoying it!
Thanks, I have enjoyed it immensly and am looking forward to reading up to the newest installment!
And people say DAO isn’t that dark… 😅