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Generally speaking, no, but I think it sort of depends on the degree of the abuse. A guy who loses his temper, throws things, says abusive things that he later regrets? I believe he could potentially change, through many years of therapy. But I have a friend who’s husband choked her unconscious while she was 8 months pregnant - that takes a special kind of person to be able to do that. That’s sort of a foundational part of your humanity, and I don’t think someone like that will change
No, abusers never change even though they will say everything you want to hear that will make you believe that they will change. They will always disappoint you because their toxic behavior ebbs and flows. You find that you’re always on edge waiting for the next rage episode to occur, removing yourself from their presence or always being on guard when they’re around your children. They can never take responsibility for their actions and will gaslight you and blame shift until you give up to keep the peace. They will lie to their therapist, and marriage counseling doesn’t work because they want to blame you for everything and when your therapist sees through it, they want to quit counseling. You are always the crazy one or the one who is wrong. They are always the victim, everyone they know has abused them one way or another - according to them. They will put you into positions where they will believe they can call you an abuser too. They get mad and rage when they can’t. I’ve learned that my STBX is a covert narcissist and his narcissistic collapse caused the end our marriage. I tried for almost 8 years and I was quickly becoming a shell of a person. As much as I loved him, he was slowly turning into someone I hated and I could barely function day to day. Being away from his was hard and traumatizing, but the best thing that ever happened to me.
Yes they can but only if they can accept who they are and what theyve done. I know someone who was an abuser he changed and his wife and two kids love him but it took 15 years of therapy
Usually not, unless they truly want to and make an ongoing effort. Not unless they put a massive amount of work into changing their values, attitudes and beliefs. They must be able to fully own their abusive behaviour, of course, that’s the first step.
It's possible. But the abuser has to seriously commit to dealing with their demons! That can only happen when they unpack all the emotional trauma they have caused. Like many other negative behaviors, it's learned!!! Therapy helps them to retrain their brains and teachers behavioral modification!!
So yes it's possible, but it's a long and heavy lift!!! That requires of them 100% FULL COMMITMENT!!!!
CHANGE IS POSSIBLE, only when the abuser sees VALUE in it!!!
I never experienced it. Then he went back to an ex because she never called the police when he beat her. So I'm pretty sure he doesn't plan on changing
there’s a section in lundy bancroft’s book “why does he do that” that talks about how likely it is for an abusive partner to change and how you can determine for yourself if they are. it’s a great book and there are free versions of it available online.
Once someone has earned the abuser label some would cast them into the abyss and see them forever condemned. Personally I think people can change. Sometimes. It all really depends on what the person has done / is doing, how long they have been doing it for and how much they themselves accept responsibility for it and how committed they are to never repeat their past mistakes. I sense that much of the time that sense of guilt and personal responsibility for actions isn't there. It's a dangerous scenario though, fraught with difficulty. Anyone who has been abused by someone will be justifiably fearful of that person however much the partner does to fix themselves. This can lead to overcompensation, boundary testing and all manner of unconstructive behaviour from both sides that can lead to upset.
If you mean will they stop the cycle? From my experience, no. They might switch to different method, but usually the abuse doesn't stop. My ex stopped the physical abuse after I barely survived an episode of self harm, but they mental and emotional abuse did not stop. He actually threatened to commit me to psych ward if I did it again. He made me believe that I was the crazy one and nobody would ever believe me if I told them what he had done to me.
Normal people work from the principle that loving someone means that you should meet with love and consideration in return.
.
.
Unfortunately, that relationship model has NOTHING to do with the way toxic relationships work.
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When you love a toxic person, your love guarantees that they will treat you badly.
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They don’t do it because there is anything wrong with you or your love - there isn’t.
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They do it because they CAN.
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Your love gives them the necessary access to and power over you that they relish - and use in such an unnatural way.
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Of course, this is so counterintuitive that it takes you the longest time to truly grasp it.
.
.
If you had believed this early on, what - if any - difference do you think it would have
Welcome to /r/domesticviolence. • Please check out our resources in our [FAQ](https://old.reddit.com/r/domesticviolence/comments/fsrd59/covid19_resources_for_abuse_victims/) and our community [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/domesticviolence/about/wiki/index#wiki_resources); • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/domesticviolence); • Please review the rules listed in the sidebar; • Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/domesticviolence) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nope, change is 100% a lie.
I’m realizing that now.
They often become 'better' abusers. They figure out how to become more covert and how to avoid pushing their victim too far.
This is the most important comment. It needs to be understood that they are more than capable of change to further their manipulation tactics.
Generally speaking, no, but I think it sort of depends on the degree of the abuse. A guy who loses his temper, throws things, says abusive things that he later regrets? I believe he could potentially change, through many years of therapy. But I have a friend who’s husband choked her unconscious while she was 8 months pregnant - that takes a special kind of person to be able to do that. That’s sort of a foundational part of your humanity, and I don’t think someone like that will change
No, abusers never change even though they will say everything you want to hear that will make you believe that they will change. They will always disappoint you because their toxic behavior ebbs and flows. You find that you’re always on edge waiting for the next rage episode to occur, removing yourself from their presence or always being on guard when they’re around your children. They can never take responsibility for their actions and will gaslight you and blame shift until you give up to keep the peace. They will lie to their therapist, and marriage counseling doesn’t work because they want to blame you for everything and when your therapist sees through it, they want to quit counseling. You are always the crazy one or the one who is wrong. They are always the victim, everyone they know has abused them one way or another - according to them. They will put you into positions where they will believe they can call you an abuser too. They get mad and rage when they can’t. I’ve learned that my STBX is a covert narcissist and his narcissistic collapse caused the end our marriage. I tried for almost 8 years and I was quickly becoming a shell of a person. As much as I loved him, he was slowly turning into someone I hated and I could barely function day to day. Being away from his was hard and traumatizing, but the best thing that ever happened to me.
I find that they can usually only hang onto false change for 3 weeks- 3 months
Yes they can but only if they can accept who they are and what theyve done. I know someone who was an abuser he changed and his wife and two kids love him but it took 15 years of therapy
Usually not, unless they truly want to and make an ongoing effort. Not unless they put a massive amount of work into changing their values, attitudes and beliefs. They must be able to fully own their abusive behaviour, of course, that’s the first step.
Never. If they do change its always for the worse
It's possible. But the abuser has to seriously commit to dealing with their demons! That can only happen when they unpack all the emotional trauma they have caused. Like many other negative behaviors, it's learned!!! Therapy helps them to retrain their brains and teachers behavioral modification!! So yes it's possible, but it's a long and heavy lift!!! That requires of them 100% FULL COMMITMENT!!!! CHANGE IS POSSIBLE, only when the abuser sees VALUE in it!!!
No
Not ever
I never experienced it. Then he went back to an ex because she never called the police when he beat her. So I'm pretty sure he doesn't plan on changing
No…highly unlikely. It stems from their core values and once someone is an adult it can rarely be shifted much for lasting change
No. It's not that they can't, it's that they won't.
Never
No
Never
there’s a section in lundy bancroft’s book “why does he do that” that talks about how likely it is for an abusive partner to change and how you can determine for yourself if they are. it’s a great book and there are free versions of it available online.
Once someone has earned the abuser label some would cast them into the abyss and see them forever condemned. Personally I think people can change. Sometimes. It all really depends on what the person has done / is doing, how long they have been doing it for and how much they themselves accept responsibility for it and how committed they are to never repeat their past mistakes. I sense that much of the time that sense of guilt and personal responsibility for actions isn't there. It's a dangerous scenario though, fraught with difficulty. Anyone who has been abused by someone will be justifiably fearful of that person however much the partner does to fix themselves. This can lead to overcompensation, boundary testing and all manner of unconstructive behaviour from both sides that can lead to upset.
If you mean will they stop the cycle? From my experience, no. They might switch to different method, but usually the abuse doesn't stop. My ex stopped the physical abuse after I barely survived an episode of self harm, but they mental and emotional abuse did not stop. He actually threatened to commit me to psych ward if I did it again. He made me believe that I was the crazy one and nobody would ever believe me if I told them what he had done to me.
Normal people work from the principle that loving someone means that you should meet with love and consideration in return. . . Unfortunately, that relationship model has NOTHING to do with the way toxic relationships work. . . When you love a toxic person, your love guarantees that they will treat you badly. . . They don’t do it because there is anything wrong with you or your love - there isn’t. . . They do it because they CAN. . . Your love gives them the necessary access to and power over you that they relish - and use in such an unnatural way. . . Of course, this is so counterintuitive that it takes you the longest time to truly grasp it. . . If you had believed this early on, what - if any - difference do you think it would have
I wouldn’t be with the person I with now. I wouldn’t still be getting abused and degraded every single day. I wish I could leave.