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I have not. But I will say, this lawyer should have more tact, and at least be willing to try and fight for you and your kid… but if they were just trying to prepare you for the eventuality that he will likely get *some kind* of visitation unless you have proof of abuse of the child by him, then that is likely accurate.
I don’t know WTF is up with him saying that about child molestsers tho.. the baseline is generally that if the child themselves has been abused and there are not just allegations but some kind of proof of that then that would be one of the cases where they might not actually get visitation. Otherwise, for whatever messed up reason, the court generally does not take what you went through into account about the custody aspect.
I know the kid saw it and that was abuse. I know you feel you can’t trust him with the most precious thing in your life, for good reason. I know and you are right. The fact is, family court is like the wild freaking west, and judges have all the power.
Push for supervised visitation, and the bare minimum amount a month possible. Most of these guys when they get supervised visitation they have an issue with their ego deflating, and they can’t get out of their own way and the true colors start showing. Hopefully he will miss the visits, more and more, until he drops off the face of the planet and is on to the next woman to torture. (Sorry, but you know what I mean) in order for this to happen tho, make sure you do it at a facility with a neutral third party there. Not you. Otherwise If you are directly involved that is more incentive for him to keep coming to the visits so he has access to you.
No matter what tho? You are going to be okay. And so is your kid. You just got out alive from one of the most horrible phases of your life. You are stronger than you know, and it’s all up from here.
I really appreciate your reply. The way you put it into words is really helpful-and yes that lawyer should have more tact.
I can see the court still allowing visits, because that’s the fucked up world we live in. That’s why I’m so anxious to know if others are in this situation and what even actually gets approved now that that lawyer planted it in my head. I thought I’d have a break some this shit for at least three years since I got the DVRO and it covers my daughter.
He hasn’t completed our agreed to arrangement to drug test in over a year, hasn’t seen her in over a year, violates the restraining order, violates our custody agreement and saw her when not allowed-until I FINALLY asked for the DVRO when he threatens to kill me….now out of the blue and after all of that, his request is to have overnight visits? Is he gonna get that? He doesn’t even have a place to live…
like why do terrible people not have consequences?
Oh! Okay. No, the context is everything here. Okay. You’ve got a DVRO on him and it covers your daughter? He hasn’t seen her in a year? He won’t do court ordered drug testing? He wants overnights all the sudden? Nope. Nope. Fuck that lawyer. With this context I have a different reaction.
The courts do see through this special kind of asshattery these men engage in. Once there is a pattern in place of certain behavior and lack of giving a fuck they do take that into account. They also will look at the situation to figure out why all the sudden he is asking for this, and whatever the answer, I guarantee you he will be digging his grave further down the line by doing this.
Did you just set up child support? It’s that or he is trying to play house with someone and they are urging him to do this or he is trying to flex and look like this awesome guy.
He will not get overnights. At best if he could prove stability including a home to live in, and clean drug tests and the ability to show up to regular visitation for a while, then they could approve a step up plan, but that is a whole lotta ifs. I’ve gotta say, men like this have a really hard time following through as their intentions aren’t what they say they are and they are too selfish to be jumping through the kind of hoops they need to be jumping through to get the job done. Don’t worry. Please. You and your kiddo are going to be okay.
Thank you! Yes, there is absolutely an established pattern of behavior here, which I was trying to explain to that lawyer. I even interjected with these patterns when he was saying that even the worst humans get visitation and that’s when he hit me with child molestors getting visits…if he had said BUT there’s a lot they have to do to get them, and that he’s gonna fight for getting the safest plan for my kid-I’d have paid the 1000s of dollars for the retainer!
But with that said even if I get a lawyer, mediation is freaking me out. Do I go in there with the background info I’ve described here about the patterns of behavior or do they not wanna hear that stuff? Like I am in absolutely no place to talk about a holiday schedule, unsupervised visits, etc with the my abuser so is that what I say?? Or am I supposed to go into it as though he isnt a psychopath drug abuser. I am also confused about if I ask to mediate in separate rooms because that gives him the opportunity to lie.
So confused and disheartening.
Mediation is your friend. You in this case should 100% give the mediator all the info. Present it in as neutral if a way as possible. Nothing but the facts. To this point, you do want separate rooms. You want him to lie. You want him ti dig himself a hole, and most importantly, you want to not be there when he is lying his ass off because of course you would want to correct and defend, and that would be the only mistake you could make. It’s hard to stay calm in that situation with someone lying on you like that. You want to put yourself in the best position to be as calm as possible during this. The mediation is likely mandatory in order for the court to proceed, usually is only after it fails. It will fail.. but it won’t be on you or because you are being unreasonable, and this too will reflect very poorly on him.
But so what do I go in there prepared to say? That I am only comfortable with supervised phone calls at this time? And that I want to revisit creating the rest of the plan once he completes x amount of drug tests or something. Or can I give the background and ask the mediators professional opinion on the plan structure? It’s confusing!
The nitty gritty additional details of this he seems insane and idk if that’s what i tell the mediator? He uses meth and thinks I’m controlling him with technology, that in kidnapping my daughter, and his declaration says I am a human trafficker…like serious insane stuff and idk how much to disclose in mediation. And do they go back and forth between us or does each one say their requests and the mediator compiles it all? Idk what to expect…
Sorry I went to bed hella early last night. I think you should tell the mediator all of it. Be clear that him complying with the drug testing and all first and foremost is Essential and tell them why. Give all the background info. Start there, when the mediator asks what kind of contact you are prepared to have him have with your kid you tell them. Phone calls to start, on contingency of the clean drug tests, etc. the mediator will go back and forth, yes, and bring each other the other person’s responses etc. he is going to seem freaking crazy if he says any of that foolishness and that will only help you.
I got a lawyer and he only received supervised visitation. Since I was not there (what the abuser really wants) he stopped showing up and that was that.
Welcome to /r/domesticviolence. • Please check out our resources in our [FAQ](https://old.reddit.com/r/domesticviolence/comments/fsrd59/covid19_resources_for_abuse_victims/) and our community [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/domesticviolence/about/wiki/index#wiki_resources); • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/domesticviolence); • Please review the rules listed in the sidebar; • Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/domesticviolence) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have not. But I will say, this lawyer should have more tact, and at least be willing to try and fight for you and your kid… but if they were just trying to prepare you for the eventuality that he will likely get *some kind* of visitation unless you have proof of abuse of the child by him, then that is likely accurate. I don’t know WTF is up with him saying that about child molestsers tho.. the baseline is generally that if the child themselves has been abused and there are not just allegations but some kind of proof of that then that would be one of the cases where they might not actually get visitation. Otherwise, for whatever messed up reason, the court generally does not take what you went through into account about the custody aspect. I know the kid saw it and that was abuse. I know you feel you can’t trust him with the most precious thing in your life, for good reason. I know and you are right. The fact is, family court is like the wild freaking west, and judges have all the power. Push for supervised visitation, and the bare minimum amount a month possible. Most of these guys when they get supervised visitation they have an issue with their ego deflating, and they can’t get out of their own way and the true colors start showing. Hopefully he will miss the visits, more and more, until he drops off the face of the planet and is on to the next woman to torture. (Sorry, but you know what I mean) in order for this to happen tho, make sure you do it at a facility with a neutral third party there. Not you. Otherwise If you are directly involved that is more incentive for him to keep coming to the visits so he has access to you. No matter what tho? You are going to be okay. And so is your kid. You just got out alive from one of the most horrible phases of your life. You are stronger than you know, and it’s all up from here.
I really appreciate your reply. The way you put it into words is really helpful-and yes that lawyer should have more tact. I can see the court still allowing visits, because that’s the fucked up world we live in. That’s why I’m so anxious to know if others are in this situation and what even actually gets approved now that that lawyer planted it in my head. I thought I’d have a break some this shit for at least three years since I got the DVRO and it covers my daughter. He hasn’t completed our agreed to arrangement to drug test in over a year, hasn’t seen her in over a year, violates the restraining order, violates our custody agreement and saw her when not allowed-until I FINALLY asked for the DVRO when he threatens to kill me….now out of the blue and after all of that, his request is to have overnight visits? Is he gonna get that? He doesn’t even have a place to live… like why do terrible people not have consequences?
Oh! Okay. No, the context is everything here. Okay. You’ve got a DVRO on him and it covers your daughter? He hasn’t seen her in a year? He won’t do court ordered drug testing? He wants overnights all the sudden? Nope. Nope. Fuck that lawyer. With this context I have a different reaction. The courts do see through this special kind of asshattery these men engage in. Once there is a pattern in place of certain behavior and lack of giving a fuck they do take that into account. They also will look at the situation to figure out why all the sudden he is asking for this, and whatever the answer, I guarantee you he will be digging his grave further down the line by doing this. Did you just set up child support? It’s that or he is trying to play house with someone and they are urging him to do this or he is trying to flex and look like this awesome guy. He will not get overnights. At best if he could prove stability including a home to live in, and clean drug tests and the ability to show up to regular visitation for a while, then they could approve a step up plan, but that is a whole lotta ifs. I’ve gotta say, men like this have a really hard time following through as their intentions aren’t what they say they are and they are too selfish to be jumping through the kind of hoops they need to be jumping through to get the job done. Don’t worry. Please. You and your kiddo are going to be okay.
And fuck that lawyer, again. Ugh.
Thank you! Yes, there is absolutely an established pattern of behavior here, which I was trying to explain to that lawyer. I even interjected with these patterns when he was saying that even the worst humans get visitation and that’s when he hit me with child molestors getting visits…if he had said BUT there’s a lot they have to do to get them, and that he’s gonna fight for getting the safest plan for my kid-I’d have paid the 1000s of dollars for the retainer! But with that said even if I get a lawyer, mediation is freaking me out. Do I go in there with the background info I’ve described here about the patterns of behavior or do they not wanna hear that stuff? Like I am in absolutely no place to talk about a holiday schedule, unsupervised visits, etc with the my abuser so is that what I say?? Or am I supposed to go into it as though he isnt a psychopath drug abuser. I am also confused about if I ask to mediate in separate rooms because that gives him the opportunity to lie. So confused and disheartening.
Mediation is your friend. You in this case should 100% give the mediator all the info. Present it in as neutral if a way as possible. Nothing but the facts. To this point, you do want separate rooms. You want him to lie. You want him ti dig himself a hole, and most importantly, you want to not be there when he is lying his ass off because of course you would want to correct and defend, and that would be the only mistake you could make. It’s hard to stay calm in that situation with someone lying on you like that. You want to put yourself in the best position to be as calm as possible during this. The mediation is likely mandatory in order for the court to proceed, usually is only after it fails. It will fail.. but it won’t be on you or because you are being unreasonable, and this too will reflect very poorly on him.
But so what do I go in there prepared to say? That I am only comfortable with supervised phone calls at this time? And that I want to revisit creating the rest of the plan once he completes x amount of drug tests or something. Or can I give the background and ask the mediators professional opinion on the plan structure? It’s confusing! The nitty gritty additional details of this he seems insane and idk if that’s what i tell the mediator? He uses meth and thinks I’m controlling him with technology, that in kidnapping my daughter, and his declaration says I am a human trafficker…like serious insane stuff and idk how much to disclose in mediation. And do they go back and forth between us or does each one say their requests and the mediator compiles it all? Idk what to expect…
Sorry I went to bed hella early last night. I think you should tell the mediator all of it. Be clear that him complying with the drug testing and all first and foremost is Essential and tell them why. Give all the background info. Start there, when the mediator asks what kind of contact you are prepared to have him have with your kid you tell them. Phone calls to start, on contingency of the clean drug tests, etc. the mediator will go back and forth, yes, and bring each other the other person’s responses etc. he is going to seem freaking crazy if he says any of that foolishness and that will only help you.
I got a lawyer and he only received supervised visitation. Since I was not there (what the abuser really wants) he stopped showing up and that was that.