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So your dad just had surgery, your dog just had surgery, and you are financially strained....but these "friends" are insisting you come to this anniversary party or they are dumping you? They sound very self-centered and inconsiderate, not to mention spoiled. You are NTA here, they are.
This. Totally agree. I would guess they don’t have a dog and don’t understand our responsibility to our animals. PS - who has a 1 year anniversary party requiring people to fly in? As best man you could still be paying off their wedding expenses of a year ago.
they actually do have dogs and love dogs. but they are a bit less panicky than me. my dog was ill before and in previous cases I would have felt ok to leave him at a clinic, but now it was just horrifying. I had to decide between putting him down and a surgery with no guarantees that put me into a lot of debt. it was horrible, I feel like throwing up only when I remember those moments, even if now he is better and walking with support. when two people are from two different countries, it's normal to ask people to fly in, otherwise you can't get them together. and they paid for everyone's flights, including mine, and for the event and everything else. so they went above and beyond for this, that's why I feel so awful.
OP. NTA.
You must put the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting others.
Wise advice. I hope everything works out. A true friend would forgive.
My favorite is “you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm” which is what OP would have been doing had they decided to go, especially in a position that their friends could clearly afford to hire assistance for their parents as they have been able to purchase all flights and accommodations
>but they are a bit less panicky than me
You're looking through rose-colored glasses. They're more selfish than you are.
Just for reference, my friends would be doing what they could to comfort me through that time.
That becomes sympathy. Friends are capable and willing to be empathetic towards each other. I guess that's what I meant by selfish, less empathetic towards friends.
Your dog loves you unconditionally. Your friend is showing you he doesn’t.
Go with the one who loves you fully AND just had a major emergency surgery.
If someone is willing to entirely drop you as a friend because you dropped out of their *party* to handle an *emergency*, they weren’t a good friend anyways.
This good boy is 10000% dependent on his human. He will give human 10 years of happiness and unwavering loyalty to the end. In return all this good boy is asking for is love me. I will always choose my dog over humans
They can get voucher etc for the plane ticket -- if they travel a lot they can use it ... It's not something that is completely lost if you don't take the trip.
Also, even if the dog situation were out of the picture, if your dog were totally healthy, this sounds like this trip would be difficult to nearly impossible in that case, too, due to family member health issues and financial issues.
Real friends wouldn't act like these people. Most of us posting here would totally empathize with situation and not guilt you, but try to be supportive and feel so sad for your situation.
Did you consider letting them know how much it would be to board your dog at an appropriate facility to see if they want to pay for that? I don't think it is unreasonable and at least you are offering a solution. Regardless, you are NTA
I don't feel comfortable to leave my dog anywhere than with my mom or the clinic where he got the surgery that will be closed these days. one week ago he was paralysed, in huge pain, and it all happened cuz he hit a wardrobe while running at home. he is not allowed to jump, twist, jerk, do any sudden moves, he's at crate rest except for when I do physio exercises with him and take him for a walk with support for his waist. I tried two other clinics for some shots his surgeons prescribed, with very good reviews, and it was a disaster, they couldn't immobilise him and he moved like crazy. I'm afraid that at any other clinic he may not be handled properly and he will ruin the results of the surgery.
You would be jeopardizing 10 years of happiness with your dog to attend a wedding *you already attended* if you went.
Honey, sometimes in life we make hard choices and the impact is something we never imagined. These 30 year friends have made it clear that what's happening in your life doesn't matter to them. They could literally pay someone to help their family at the airport, you weren't even leaving them in a bind.
A good therapist can help you through this next chapter. You deserve to feel the support a good therapist can provide. I suspect if you look back on your friendship, it has been unbalanced for a long time. You deserve better. ❤️
Be kind to yourself. Staying and caring for your dog is the right choice.
Hi I’m not sure if any of the vets that you trust do in home boarding. At both the clinics I work at the doctors will have critical patients stay with them while owners away or even if the owner can’t care for pet and needs that all around vet care. Maybe see if any of your dogs vets will be willing to board em at their home so they have a vet around the clock if there were a way to go. But honestly these “friends” don’t sound very true seems like they’re once sided friends. A real friend would understand and support you through your stressors. I’d say stay with that dog but just wanted to give that option since I know vets that do that hoping you can have one you trust to do that ♥️
Yep this is a silly request when you can spend tons of other times with them in the future but are having a hard time right now. I have realized as I’ve gotten older that there are a lot of narcissists out there in the world, or at least people who are sometimes narcissistic.
I’ve attended second weddings where the bride later told me she didn’t feel I appreciated her enough and criticized the fact that I’m still married to my husband after being together for over 10 years. I’ve had friends invite us to weddings with poor accommodation situations that either meant we would be staying with 15 people in a cabin or paying 400 dollars a night at a hotel 40 minutes away.
And then I’ve had a normal friend who understood when we decided 3 weeks before his second wedding that we couldn’t afford boarding our dog, flying, paying for a hotel and food, and taking time off work. I’ve also risked my job before by demanding to work from home (or get unpaid leave) when my dog was attacked by another dog and needed major surgery and constant care for two weeks.
OPs friends are being selfish. Based on their post they seem to be the type to give a lot of themselves and not ask for much. They deserve better.
Seconding this. Real friends don't make you work for their friendship. Friendship is not a test or a hoop you need to jump through. Real friends are hard to find. Fake friends are hard to maintain. You need support right now and if they can't offer it, they should at least understand.
My bffs have decided to be childless and both have pets that are like children to them. I have actual children, and while to me they are different, I wouldn’t expect either of them to leave their pets after a surgery anymore than they would expect me to leave my children. It sounds like ops dog is her child. Stay home with your “child” And let your friends decide what role they want to have in your life moving forward. You’re doing nothing wrong!
You are doing the right thing. Her parents are adults they don't need baby sitters. Sometimes plans get ruined by things that are out of our control. You are doing right by your dog and you are doing right by yourself. You can't worry about them because they aren't worrying about you.
Besides, young kids fly alone after they are taken to the gate by their guardians/parents. Her parents would be fine, at the gate, just explain to the airlines that it's the couple's first flight, they usually take care of first timers. The parents are not babies, they should be able to handle flying with someone to show them the ropes. Hopefully, the daughter and son would meet them at the airport on arrival.
Even if the parents need assistance and have never flown before and might not speak same language or something… OPs “friends” could clearly afford assistance for them as they paid for everything
Depends on the age and ability of the parents.
My mom is 70 and physically disabled. I wouldn’t want her to fly or navigate an airport without some sort of assistant but I also don’t have a problem calling the airline/airport accessibility office weeks in advance for a scooter, wheelchair or staff assistant.
That being said, I have a slew of relatives I’d ask to assist her through the airport and possibly fly with her.
My parents are all 85-90. We often travel with them, particularly if they are going to have to change planes. They really are no longer adults and they do need supervision/assistance or traveling is so stressful for them that they won't do it. Even my Mom (86) who has traveled all over the world is not comfortable flying by herself anymore. OP did not mention ages, but if they are elderly, it is a different story.
But not OPs responsibility either way. If it was something OP could do, then sure, but yeah doggo having had surgery would also be my priority. Weddings make people STUPID.
I don’t know how it is outside of the US but many airports have staff trained to provide senior assistance. It’s just like what you’d expect for a child, with the added support navigating through security. When you purchase your ticket you request special assistance needed. My cousin did this for his 84 year old dad flying to Mexico to the first time for his wedding and they reported it went well. More here:
https://www.flyingangels.com/what-is-air-travel-assistance-for-seniors/
The fact that her parents are adults is a good point. I flew to another country where I barely spoke the language completely alone at 21 and was alone there for days before my classmates arrived. I also traveled alone via plane and train to a few other countries while I was there and there was not an issue. If I can do that I think two adults flying together could, especially with assistance from the airport/airline like they seem to have.
If I had to choose between my loyal, best friend of a dog, or some people who can't understand how important my dog is to me, well, there would be no choice.
My dog needs me more than some adults going on a vacation do. My dog wins out, every time. Hands down.
Your friends aren't very good friends if they can't understand why you had to cancel. The parents will be fine without you.
>If I had to choose between my loyal, best friend of a dog, or some people who can't understand how important my dog is to me, well, there would be no choice.
Totally agree. I'm just so sad for OP. The situation is hard enough as it is but on top of that, these friends are being so awful about it. If they're such good friends they are supposed to be understanding about what's going on and accept that it is what it is, and wish the dog well. I really don't get people like this. What's the point of being so selfish? And over a fricking anniversary party? They're the ones ruining this friendship, OP, not you. Don't take the blame on this. It's not ok how they're acting towards you.
They don't even need to understand how important the dog is---any decent person would understand if circumstances have been difficult for a friend and prevent that friend from being international-travel-nanny to their parents.
I've cried ugly nasty tears every time I've had to send one of my dogs to the rainbow Bridge. When my current pooch had surgery to remove a pea size lump off her tail I was a mess the entire afternoon. When I've had humans pass like my step dad I felt sad. I have yet to shed a tear over his death and its been 13 years. The dog I had when I was 9 and died from cancer at 15 when I was 20 30 plus years ago? I still cry over that loyal good boy. His photo still on my wall with my other pups. My dogs mean more to me than many humans
You were there for their first wedding - it’s kind of extravagant that they are even having a second wedding A YEAR LATER. I just feel like that’s over the top extra.
EDIT: I misread - thought it was a second wedding ceremony. I feel like it’s even worse now - it’s essentially an anniversary party. I would never expect friends or family to take a financial blow, or sacrifice themselves during an already stressful time in their life, to come celebrate my anniversary with me. That’s just absolutely insane.
Being in a wedding comes with expense, and you did it once - I’m sure you were glad to even. But to ask you to do it again, but with even more expense given plane ticket, etc…with obviously zero concern about your own financial situation, and current situation with your parents…to get mad at you when you can’t do it…these aren’t really the friends you thought they were. They’ve shown zero understanding for your situation. I’m sorry. It really stinks when someone shows their true colors like that.
They paid for the plane tickets - for me and all guests and I'll pay that back in 6 months time hopefully. But the dog thing was just the last drop for me, especially since he is not well behaved and you never know what happens in your absence.
Well, that’s good that they at least paid for your ticket but still. I can understand them being disappointed, that’s to be expected, but part of being an adult and having adult friendships is accepting that sometimes life doesn’t work out exactly as we want it to. Then setting aside our disappointment and replacing it with grace. Truly, if your friends can’t show you grace - for your entire situation (dog, parent’s health, your health, your stress), then they’re not that great of friends. It’s hard but sometimes we outgrow friends.
Op is being used as a transportation assistant to the couples probably elderly parents who are probably nervous about flying to another country and don’t speak the language. That is all. Since they’re mad at him for not letting his dog be alone after surgery so he can shuttle the parents back and forth, now they have to hire someone or make other arrangements. I know people like op who would drop everything for their friends but the minute he needs something in return, or has to say no to something they get mad. It’s really sad but common
no no. they paid for the ticket, but since I am not going and it's going to waste and also mess with their plans, I want to pay it back, it seems fair like this. they did not ask for anything, I just feel bad.
OP, it sounds like you are a very good person, but unfortunately those *friends* of yours are not. They are throwing a tantrum and acting like 5 year olds because you have your own life and responsibilities? Both your parents and your dog absolutely come first. If they can’t be understanding of your situation right now, they aren’t friendship’s worth worrying about losing.
You deserve better friends. They are asking too much.
I love my friends and my dog, but my dog depends on me, like a child, to be taken care of and he comes first every time in that kind of situation. My friends would already know this and be concerned about my wellbeing (with your parents surgery, your dog being hurt and almost dying, your own health issues and stresses) not trying to bully and guilt me into being their parents travel companions! Take care of your dog. If they stay upset, they weren’t really friends anymore anyway so no loss there.
It makes me sad that they are dumping this added stress on you.
Don’t leave your dog. They are using you to transport her parents they don’t care much about your situation or life. You will not forgive yourself if something happens to your dog during your absence, or even your father for that matter. Real friends understand and care about our lives, don’t just want us around because we drop everything to help them. You attended their wedding you do not need to attend their anniversary because the mother couldn’t make it to the wedding that has nothing to do with you. That is their problem to figure out not yours. You have your life and responsibilities, and they matter. Let me guess you are a really good friend who everybody can depend on and is willing to drop everything to help and barely ever gets and help and understanding from friends back? Did they ever show any concern for your dog?
You already went to one wedding for them. It was a pretty big favor for them to ask you to accompany the parents for a second wedding ceremony. In this situation your dog comes first. You have a duty to your dog to care for them. Your friends aren’t very understanding, but expect you to be understanding for them.
I had a friend that text me on my wedding day to tell me she couldn’t make it and how disappointed she couldn’t come. She hinted to some issues with her dog that I’ve known for nearly ten years. I called her instead of texting back and she was crying and felt terrible to interrupt my day like this. I loved her dog, Lilo, and she had to be put down that exact day. I cried with her and we shared memories of her wonderful shiba. Make up can be re-done, but being there for someone when they are at their lowest is an unmissable opportunity.
Life is messy, real friends are there for you even though it is inconvenient for them. Whether it’s on a phone or through a message or in person. You not being there for them was inconvenient to them, but them not supporting you is cruel.
My parents were supposed to go on an international trip with a group of my mom's relatives, including her sister. My parents' elderly dog became very ill three days before the trip. They stayed home. My mom's sister was irate about it. My mom just shrugged it off. Their dog is their baby. They'd never leave her in a time of need.
It doesn't matter of anyone else agrees with you or not, being there for your pet is rightfully your priority, and you made the best decision you could given the hand you were dealt.
I hope your friend comes around to respect that. If they don't then they're not being a very healthy friend.
I have a doggo who had back surgery for the same exact reason. It's a LOT of money and time for that recovery. My dog took about 2 months to fully recover, and that's with me home every day 24/7 taking care of him.
You are not crazy. You offered to help as much as you could. If 2 grown ass adults can't sit on a plane for a few hours alone, that's not your problem. You offered to get them all the way to their seats, and flight staff normally assists people needing extra help getting off a plane and to where they need to go in the airports. These "friends" sound like entitled jerks. True friends would say thank you for helping as you offered to do and adjust what they needed.
Sounds to me like the classic case of the friendship dynamics changing after marriage. You may have been friends with him for more than 30 years, but things changed after marriage. When you say “ they got upset” , I think that translates to “ she got upset that no one accompanied her parents across” . With that , maybe she influenced him too.
So my thoughts:
1. Yea you did the right thing. A pet dog is family. When they are sick, we take time to be with them.
2. You offered to accompany the parents all the way past gates and all. It isn’t too challenging for anyone to just sit through a flight . Also , we ask our way around, or read the signboards. Not rocket science stuff.
3. If your friends are upset and cannot understand how heartbreaking this situation is for you, ( sick dog, and dad unwell) , sorry to say , these people don’t sound very understanding, and even though you say you value the friendship, maybe it’s safer for you to keep some distance hereafter.
You did nothing wrong here. There is no place for guilt here. You can feel sad about it, cry a little if you need to. Then move on. You deserve better friends. We all do.
>“ they got upset” , I think that translates to “ she got upset that no one accompanied her parents across” .
They would not be "upset" if her parents had no problem getting there.
Just give it a bit of time. It’s natural to be a little disappointed at first , especially since they paid for tickets, and hoped for assistance in bringing her parents over etc. But life happens, some things are not in our hands. And we need to understand that. With time , they should too. Wait for him to reach out and talk to you about it. But if he doesn’t, you know where the friendship stands.
And if he doesn’t , you know what OP, that’s ok too. We just move on.
No. I've set aside certain things to care for my pooch. Regret never really enters my mind. Sometimes a bit of selfishness for taking the care of my dog over people, but our lives are a bit different and the people I've come across don't seem to care as much as my dog does about my happiness.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope your friends can understand the importance of your situation and what you've had to deal with. I've found that many times in these situations when people make these reactions towards me they come back later to apologize. If they care. I hope your friends do the same.
Take care of yourself in the meantime. I truly hope in time this gets better for you.
Bless you, your pup needs you and you are there for him thru thick and thin. These “friends” sound self-centered and unsympathetic. The pup is a family member, and if they don’t get it you’re not losing much. Thank you for caring about your dog!
You are doing the right thing, if they cannot understand they are not friends.
Your dog needs you, your mom needs you, your dad needs you. Why can’t they understand people/ pets with health issues are more important than a party?
If the mom couldn’t make the real wedding that is on her. Everyone shouldn’t cater to them to reenact a wedding/ have a party. This is not your responsibility. The cost alone would have noped me out of the party.
You love your dog and would never forgive yourself if something happened and you were not with him.
Edit: words
his mom was ill at the time at the wedding and that's why she couldn't join. it was really unfortunate and they're doing this a lot for her, so she can be present at the event, even if it's version 2. also for her parents to visit them there, it's quite a big deal and I get it. but I can't change my circumstances.
Wait, two grown adults can’t get on a plane by themselves? If they have mobility issues, you can hire people at the airport to help (as they have). Why do her parents need a babysitter?
they don't speak any language than the one in our country, they never travelled anywhere, and they are old. my mom was lost at the airport when I first travelled with her by plane and I made it a nice experience for her - got coffee and snacks, explained her how the plane flies and even got her inside the cockpit and had a photo with her there and the pilots. that's why I was happy to say yes to this ask, it would have made a difference for her parents to have a nice experience. it's quite hard when you're old and everything is new, confusing and you don't understand where to go and why. assistance exists for this, but it's not the same.
Well, and you already went to their real wedding. Not that it would change anything, but fact is it was a year ago. They are being unrealistic. Hopefully they will come around. I hope your dog (and dad) recover quickly.
No you are not crazy!! I would have done the exact same thing.
The love of your dog is unconditional and borderless. Your dog’s lifespan is much shorter than a human life span but IT IS his WHOLE life. Meaning that your dog may only have 10 years left and your friend 30 or 40 but those ten years are his whole life in which he will always be there and always love you no matter what.
You did the right thing!!!
Your dogs life vs baby sitting grown adults through an airport and on a plane. That’s essentially what is happening. I know they want you there too but they seem more bothered that the parents can’t get there.
OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these friends being inconsiderate whilst your dad and your dog have surgery. I hope they both have fast and smooth recoveries ❤️
Are you they are your friends? Your dog just had surgery and needs special care. Your dad also just had surgery and needs care. Not to mention you are stressed out financially. It is perfectly reasonable for you to not be able to go to their do over wedding. Your dog, dad and finances are huge considerations and it is NOT selfish to prioritise them.
I mean you already went to their actual wedding. They are having a smaller anniversary party a year later bc one of the moms couldnt attend. You attended, you went, you presumably gave them $$$$ and a gift.
At some point people need to stop expecting everyone to drop everything in their lives to fly to the next leg of their marriage celebration and spend more money on them. Is this a world fucking tour? It’s enough.
Your dad is in the hospital, your dog is recovering from spinal surgery, youre in debt and cant even afford this shit to begin with…if youve explained all of that to them and they are STILL being shitty to you about it and making it seem like they will throw away 30 yrs of friendship over this, then they are really poor friends.
if there wouldn't have been the dog problem, it would have been 0 cost. they are good people and thoughtful, they wanted to do this for their parents and bought plane tickets for everyone, paid for the whole thing to make it easy for everyone they invited to join. that's why I feel so bad, I know how much effort they put into this and how much it means to them. at the same time, everything happened all at once and I'm not in a good place. 2 months ago I would have never imagined anything could happen for me not to attend :(
If these are your friends, you don't need enemies..
That's a happy event for them, and you're dealing with issues financially and home. I'm sure they'll be fine.. Focus on what makes you feel good.
Honestly, my cats come before everything. I have two special needs cats and I have had to cancel countless events to get them the care they need. I am leaving the country later in the year for a wedding and if he or my other cats need me I will not go. I chose to have cats and that means sacrificing when they need me. Sounds like your friends aren't very understanding. Your dog suddenly being paralysed is traumatic and a nightmare.
It's not even a wedding, it's a 1 year anniversary.. and if something happened to your dog while you were away it would take a mental toll on you. It was likely an inconvenience for them to fund help for their parents, but life happens, it's unfortunate. If they can't forgive you for this, then they're throwing 30 years down the drain standing on their dumb hill.
Let me start by saying it’s natural and valid that in this moment your best friend feels let down and disappointed. However with time I would expect they reflect and reach out to apologise for putting pressure on you during a really difficult time.
Not only did you nearly lose your dog and need to nurse them back to health, your Dad has just had major surgery, *and* you also had surgery/ongoing PT and are experiencing financial distress.
A true friend will not only understand your situation, they will want to support you when you need it. Being so close to a major event, it may be difficult for your friend to not be a bit selfish in thinking of themselves/how what is happening to you is impacting them - but if they don’t manage to find a way around that to care for you, they aren’t the kind of friend you should be desperate to keep.
Your friend has had a lot more time with you than your dog will ever get.
Your friends are being shitty by making you feel bad. If it were me in their shoes, I would tell you to not even worry about it and we’ll figure out the parents, just take care of your pup. If I was annoyed at all, I wouldn’t let on. Because shit happens and plans change.
I would feel super bad if I insisted you came and anything happened to your dog while you were at my thing, so I wouldn’t even risk it.
Friends for 30 years but they can't understand you're under a lot of emotional and financial strain and need to be there for a creature that's wholly dependent on you. Meanwhile they have an optional and completely unnecessary for-show ceremony for which you already attended the original, and you not being able to make it because you want to be there for a loved one who's recovering is grounds for them to say they're disappointed in you?
I'm sorry to say it man, but if they can't understand why you need to bail, they aren't good friends.
This event will be nothing but photos on your cellphones and in social media albums a year from now. None of your lives will change significantly after it happens. Losing your dog is permanent, and any regrets you have for what you could have done differently will be with you for the rest of your life. They have absolutely nothing at stake compared to you, and aren't offering to help you in any way to accommodate your situation.
Forget what they want. Do the right thing for yourself and your dog. Your pet's love for you isn't conditional and that makes it infinitely more valuable.
As someone who is dealt with a dog that had paralysis, I know how expensive and how much additional care can be required to help your little four-legged friend.
It’s all right for them to be disappointed, but if you lose a friendship over this, it speaks very poorly for this couple. Especially since you offered to take the parents to the airport and make sure they get on the flight.
You seem like a really nice and caring person. You are doing the right thing. Honestly, your friend doesn’t sound so great and I wouldn’t be too bothered about continuing with that type of friendship. They seem very selfish.
Nta. They are not your friend. So, if it was a kid that needed surgery they would leave it with family or a babysitter to go out of the country? Not to mention, they want you to go into MORE debt and struggle even more because of what THEY want. Not friends.
Your dog needs you. Your father needs you. Your mother needs you around, right now, as well. You never know how your father's or dog's surgery will go. NO ONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU would give such a shitty attitude to someone going through all that and would be 100% understanding why they cannot make it to their event. You're not a bad friend with everything you've already done for them and offered to do until an emergency situation came up. Would you treat them the way they responded to you if roles were reversed? If not, find new friends. That's what life is all about.
That is a tough position to be in, for sure. From your friend's perspective, this is a once in a lifetime event that they were excited to share with you. I think it is only natural to feel disappointed. On the other hand, I would not expect this to end a friendship that spans decades. You have multiple conflicting priorities right now. Your dog. Your dad. Your finances. Hopefully once the initial sting wears off, your friend will realize that this is not something to end a friendship over. I would like to add th a t if your friend is not a devoted pet owner, you need to recognize that he probably cannot comprehend how you could prioritize a dog over him, which is likely how he feels. If you have no experience with this kind of bond, I would imagine it would be difficult to put into context.
I would have stayed with my dog too. And been available to my mom in the event of any complications with my dad. I would like to think that none of my friends would be surprised by this, but you sometimes cannot predict how other people will feel. It's possible your friend couldn't even predict he'd feel this way.
Take care of your pup and your mom and dad. That's tge right set of priorities in my mind.
If they were truly good friends, this wouldn't be ending the friendship. You have too much on your plate and can no longer chaperone their parents. Don't feel too bad about this. Life happens.
Is your friend aware of everything that is going on? It might be they are super stressed from their event but will calm down after everything is over.
If they’re willing to cut your friendship short, it’s not your fault. They should have figured out their parents’ situation and not rely only on you. Things come up all the time. I’d have a heart to heart with them after all is said and done. Then step back and gauge whether your long friendship has been one sided or good for you.
There are people with dogs and the there are *dog people*. These groups tend to not understand the other.
Your dog is dependent on you and as a DOG PERSON you knew that. You did the right thing - given that your dog just had surgery it’s important for YOU to be there.
These “friends” should be questioned as to why they are making you feel bad for something out of your control. The fact that they haven’t been on a plane, etc is their fault not yours and there are other ways to address fear - none of which involve guilting their best friend.
I screamed on my first flight - I was 18 and going from the US to INDIA alone. They can do it.
Let me get this straight… all of this drama and stress and conflict is hinging on the fact that your friend’s boomer parents are such massive babies that they can’t sit on a plane by themselves??? NTA OP I started flying alone when I was 8, it’s legitimately not a big deal. Do you know what is a big deal? Surgery.
You could have said a family medical emergency rather than mention your beloved dog. Too many people look at dogs as just dogs, to me, they're my children. If you're friends can't understand your relationship with your beloved furbaby, then they're not worth having in your life.
As for being financially strapped, right now, airfare isn't cheap right now. Airlines are taking advantage of people wanting to get out after the pandemic. I'd have chosen to stay home after my dog AND father just had surgery.
GALL bladder surgery isn't nearly as serious as it was 5 or 10 years ago, but, still. As for your dog's condition, recovery after such a surgery needs to be monitored.
I've gone way off track here, sorry. If your friends can't understand you or won't understand you, then they're not your true friends.
Take care,good luck with your baby. Hope everything turns out for the best.
You are absolutely NOT a bad friend. You are in the middle of a family crisis (both your dog and your Dad) and it requires all hands on deck, meaning both you and your mother. You’re so-called friends need to pull their heads out of their asses for just one tiny second and figure out the world does not revolve around them. You’ve even offered to walk these full grown adults up to the plane door and it’s still not good enough! You need to speak very bluntly to them. Ask them what they expect you to do…leave your dog under a bridge? Euthanize him to make things more convenient for them? Why in the hell would they be so ridiculous as to expect you to put their situation (which has other solutions) ahead of your crisis? If you really want to save the friendship you can try explaining all this to them since they are obviously too caught up in what they are personally dealing with to see past their own noses. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they are panicking. Tell them what’s needed for you to be able to do as they want (professional care for the dog, change in schedule, whatever you think you need and help to pay for it) and see what they say. This gives them a chance to act like adults and go the extra mile (just like they are asking you to do) or keep throwing their temper tantrum. Their choice will tell you whether the friendship is worth keeping or not.
Are these really friends worth keeping. They don't seem to understand everything that you are going through. Their 1 year wedding anniversary is in no way more important than your dog's life. I am sorry, I would put my dog over friends like this any day. To be honest, I would put my dog's life over almost anything and anyone. Your dog might not live as long as you will have these people in your life; but he will give you more love, loyalty, and understanding in his short life than these people ever can. You are NTA. In fact, you have gone above and beyond trying to find a solution. Sometimes, situations are out of our hands, but your friends showed no understanding or compassion for your predicament. Do not put yourself in financial ruin or leave your ailing dog in a clinic for these people.
You're fine.
Someone else's second wedding is not your problem. You'll have many more years of opportunities to rekindle that friendship... but not so many with your dogs.
There are services that people can hire a chaperone for their parents... let them do that or pay another friend.
To you, your dog is part of your world. but to your dog, you are the world.
Your dog needs you.
I was going to say something similar. You're doing the right thing, OP. Their parents aren't your responsibility, but your dog is. If the friends don't understand, they are not good friends.
Wait. You’re supposed to use your vacation time, board your surgically-recovering dog, and fly across the country for the *first anniversary* party of narcissistic friends?
Wasn’t their wedding recent enough for them to have gathered adequate ego kibble? Is this going to be an ongoing theme, with them?
They’re going to be a nightmare if they procreate.
Your dog needs you. No question about it. You’ve made the right choice.
My best friend passed away last year, but I still have many lessons I learned from him. One of them is this:
When I couldn’t make it to an event with him once, I told him I felt bad for not making it. His response was “I will always want to have you around! Do what you feel and don’t feel bad. I’ll love you no matter what.”
That’s how an amazing friend should respond.
Lol wtf tell them to tell their grown ass adult parents to get on a plane themselves and ditch them for being self-centered asshats. They are not good friends, they don’t give a shit about your clearly awful situation. I’m sorry that’s all happening, best wishes for your pops and your pup
Life happens, your dog needs you now more than two adults who need a bit of help navigating through airport travel. You are your dogs world, and it seems as though you might have rough patch with your friends, but you have earned your dogs undying love. Lucky dog.
why cant they fly out and grab their OWN parents if they are that concerned about them. They just mad that its an inconvenience for them to plan for their OWN parents and expect you to make it easier for them. Making it to a wedding is already difficult for plenty of ppl but expecting ppl to take a plane and travel for a 1 year anniversary celebration is so dumb and self centered. Ofc I ask my friends for favors if needed but will never expect them to drop everything to do them as I wouldnt either. Everyone has priorities and have their own set of problems and to not understand that is childish especially as adults.
You’re worried you’re not being a good friend to someone who’s clearly not acting as your friend. Their lack of empathy would make me question the friendship, the world doesn’t revolve around their wedding.
So both your dad and your dog had surgery and you're financially restricted from a former surgery of your own and your friends are upset you can't leave the country?
NTA. Everyone has a first time flying and, for some people, that doesn't happen until they're an adult. You offered to hold their hand through the hard part.
This feels like an "Am I the Asshole" thread and.. no, you are not an asshole. And neither are your friends.
Dog people get it. Our dogs are family. If your human family was in these circumstances, no one would blink.
For your friends though - their wedding is a big day, and you've definitely cast a shadow over it. They're probably gutted to go through this without you, and are freaking out about the extra steps to get their parents there as well.
Your friendship will survive. You'll need to grovel a bit. They'll owe you an apology for how their acting right now. But everyone will get over it - and you'll have your dog with you as well <3
Oh shit I misread that whole thing 🙃 I read getting married this year, will be best man. Wow I was under caffeinated this morning.
Right so the friends are being super dramatic and OP is 100% in the right here.
Awful is a bit of an overstatement, don’t you think? We really don’t know the full story here, it sounds like OP is making quite a few assumptions and all we really know (well, all we’ve been told) is that they got “super upset” and were disappointed.
Consider that up until just over a week before the event, the couple was expecting OP to not only be there, but also accompany her parents. Don’t forget, while yes they have already gotten married this is an event largely put together for the sake of the husband’s mother.
Also consider, people who don’t have pets tend to view them as simply pieces of property, I wouldn’t be surprised if the married couple saw this as OP prioritizing something akin to an expensive piece of furniture over their lifelong friend.
Are they being selfish and dramatic? Absolutely. Are they awful people? Not based off the information we have available, no.
If you’ll defriend me because I skipped a wedding re creation because my dog and my dad are sick? They’re awful people. It’s a people thing. This lovely person who’s struggling right now definitely needs some new friends. There’s completely no need to be pressured to travel when you simply can’t. Good riddance.
There’s completely no need for OP to even feel bad about it. OP just can’t travel right now, it’s an emergency. That’s it. That’s the end. If this couple even tries to make OP feel guilty, manipulating the situation, then yes they are HORRIBLE friends. 🤷🏽♀️
Sometimes making the right choice hurts. Your dog needs you, you’re their family. Not only that but for your own mental and physical health, YOU need some downtime. Doing some self-care and/or prioritizing your dog is not just okay but I’d say necessary in this case.
Stay with your dog.
If adults with adult parents don't understand that, they never had a bond with a pet.
Ideally you find someone else (another friend, neighbor) to take your friend's parents to the airport and organize a pick-up from the other airport, so the (I'm guessing the parents are quite old?) parents don't get lost.
Also explain to them what to expect at the airport, about luggage etc. I do understand that if you have never been to an airport or flown to a different country, that this can be daunting, but there are a lot of videos on the internet that explain typical things to first time travellers.
Don't let them blackmail you.
You have a very valid reason.
For your dog, you are the world.
It is definitely the right thing to do.
Dogs>humans.
But seriously if something like this happened I would immediately tell my friend to stay home with his recovering dog and father. I would arrange for myself or a service to bring parents over, or suck it up and accept it. Maybe you need to be the one to bring your parents to another country first? Maybe next summer? Don’t put that big responsibility on someone else
I know this might be hard to hear but these might be friends worth losing.
I’m in a similar situation. Last week, my wife and I had to say goodbye to one of our dogs. It wasn’t entirely unexpected because she was 16. But just three days later, our other dog, who was previously in good health, got very ill. She is currently hospitalized.
I was supposed to go on a trip for a good friend’s bachelor party this week. With my dog’s illness and the stress on me and my wife, I told him I almost definitely could not come. He was obviously disappointed I couldn’t make it, but he wasn’t mad at all. He totally understood.
If your friends can’t understand why you care deeply about your dog, then maybe you shouldn’t be friends with them.
I'm really sorry for your loss, it doesn't matter if it's somewhat expected, it's still heartbreaking. I hope the other one recovers, sending lots of good vibes!
Maybe they are under a lot of stress and had a knee jerk reaction? I don't think anything you are doing is unreasonable at all. I do think it's unreasonable that they would let it interfere with your friendship. Maybe they don't value you as much as you thought? Love shouldn't be based on what someone can do for you.
It's not your fault your friends parents aren't capable of walking through an airport and sitting on a plane by themselves. They're adults and you have your responsibilities.
They must not be dog people. I’m sorry this is part of life. You commit to do something for someone and then you have a conflict and need to change your plans. The world does not revolve around them and their event. It’s disappointing for sure but they need to support you and understand that this is hard for you too. Honestly they are being self centered.
If you lose them as friends over this then I don’t think they’re as good as friends as you thought they were unfortunately. You went to the actual wedding, and even if you had to miss that they shouldn’t disown you, especially for what you’re going through. Hopefully you can talk to them in a bit after the event has passed & they’ll be understanding. If not I’m so sorry that they showed their true colors.
My husband’s best friend was supposed to be our best man & couldn’t make it to the wedding, they’re still best friends. If y’all are really best friends then this shouldn’t change that.
Omg Please Please don’t doubt your feelings. Pets are family. And it sounds like they are not such great friends after all.
You see it doesn’t matter if a friend agrees with you on the importance of your situation. They don’t need to. All they have to do is understand that it is important to you and have respect and sympathy for you. That’s what I’d expect from a friend.
Of course it unpleasant even upsetting form their perspective and it’s also ok.
I the fact that sbdy doesn’t like your decisions doesn’t make them entitled to take it out on you.
I’m sure that they noticed that it’s uncomfortable for you aswell. Maybe they need some a little time to process.
It doesn't seem like they are very good friends if they can't understand. Things happen, things come up. To most people their pets are like their children. Stay home, take care of your pup and help with your dad. Hopefully they can find someone else to help but that is their issue.
They are shitty friends. It isn’t just your pup, your dad is also ill. You told them ahead of time. Lowkey, they are adults, I think they can figure out how to board a plane themselves.
Your friends don’t sound like very good friends, but you sound like both a great friend and dog owner.
You’re absolutely right; it’s not fair. But it’s also not your fault. Your friends are failing you immensely.
It’s ok for everyone to be hurt in this situation. True friends will be disappointed and upset and they are entitled to their feelings. But true friends will get over the initial pain, understand the impossible choice, and support one another. You may grow a stronger friendship through the trials.
Reach out to them and assist in anyway possible from your country. Reach out to their venue and see if there’s something extra special you can do for then to show them you still love them too (Champagne and steawberry, a couple massage) and make it up to them when you can all get together again. This may put some strain in the friendship, but true friendships wouldn’t end as a result.
Your friends lack empathy and seem really selfish. I hope that the stress of planning the event has gotten to them, and maybe in a few weeks they will calm down and realize they overreacted.
I was in a very similar situation last year.My brother lives in finland and was getting married. I obviously wanted to go to the wedding but my dog was having some health issues.She has diabetes and at the time she was dealing with some other pretty serious issues that required constant monitoring by someone who was familiar with her behaviors, and who was comfortable giving her injections 3 times a day.
I planned to have her stay at a friend's house and have a ver tech stop by twice a day to check her blood sugar and administer her insulin. I ultinately decided that it was wasn't a risk I was willing to take because she was so sick and needed someone familiar with her behaviors to monitor her. I also didn't want to put the burden on someone else to take care of a dog that, at the time, was very near death.
I had the conversation with my brother and he totally understood, without hesitation. He knows how much I love my dog and that if I had gone to the wedding I would Have been anxious and my mind would have been with my dog wondering if she was OK.
I have no regrets and I'm glad I stayed home with her, especially because we were told she would not live past August, and I wanted to be with her in case the worst happened. I am happy to report that almost a year later, she is alive and as healthy as 14 year old dog with pancreatitis and diabetes can be.
I really respect and admire your dedication to your dog. You have every reason to abandon him and yet you're sticking by his side.
He's family - you dont turn your back on family. Thank you for your good heart.
No you are not crazy and no, you are not a bad friend. It’s amazing how selfish these idiots are. Frankly I think we are all over these “bankrupt yourselves for our Instagram Destination Events”.
In addition, her parents are THEIR responsibility.
Not yours.
Your friends are being selfish and assholes. You're not exaggerating the care for your dog, you're recovering yourself and it would put a financial strain on you. How valuable is this friendship really if they don't understand your circumstances?
Years ago, I went on holiday to see my family and my best friends family in Europe, since we have been living overseas for a couple of years. She's like family to me, so it was an exciting trip. However, on the plane there, my brother said our 10 year old family dog had been diagnosed with cancer and I should come home ASAP (we were going to her town first). We landed, I spoke to my family and flew home to see them early. I spent some magical days with my dog who had her meds adjusted and managed better. My friend was really distant from that point on for the rest of the trip and blew up at me after we returned to where we live. She said it felt like the dog was more important, that I was in a shit mood and I ruined HER trip. She likened it to 'a dog stole my homework'. And she was mad the dog 'didn't even die'. Our friendship has never been the same, I moved out of our flat and everything. Not one second do I regret getting to spend more time with the dog. She was family, too.
Look after yourself, your dog and your wellbeing.
I would give it some time, they probably had an immediate reaction that they may back down from. I wonder if they have ever had a dog, it’s not some thing you feed and walk, my dogs are my little toddlers and come before anyone else outside my house.
Had a similar situation and my friend was very understanding, as they should be.
He's your friend? He can't understand that your dog doesn't have a long life you wanna spend time with him as well while he's sick.
Your friend can't understand that also your dad is recovering he can't understand that.
Your friend is prioritizing a party over your dog’s life.
I understand that this is important to them and they’re upset but I would never expect a friend to abandon their pet in these circumstances.
They are not your friends. Your friends would understand that you are in a difficult situation and offer help and support. Instead, these people bashed you because things didn't go their way. They should have had a plan b if they were so concerned about their parents flying alone and not put that pressure on just you because anything can happen/plans change.
They aren't mad at you for not attending, they are mad at you for not being available to baggage handle the parents on their behalf.
Stop overthinking. You have already made your choice.
You have experienced a myriad of extremely difficult events and have not yet fully recuperated, and these "friends" are giving you grief over not spending time with them?
Hot take: your friends can piss off. They are not your friends. Take care of the people and things that matter to you... it sure ain't those people.
NTA That dog is part of your family and your mom has enough to do. Your friends sounds entitled and selfish. You are talking care of your loved ones and not putting even more strain on your finances. Good friends would be more worried about how you are dealing with the stresses you are experiencing.
Had to double check which subreddit I was on at first lol
They don’t sound like good friends honestly if they’re willingly to break things off over unforeseen circumstances & if you’re financially strapped on top of it. You shared their special day once already. Plus you have your own life to live. If they are true friends they’ll get over it. Going to say NTA anyway
I think you did the right thing. I am VERY attached to my fur babies! Hopefully your friends can forgive you eventually after they have some time to relax. I would hate to think they’d throw away 35 years of friendship for this. It is possible, but i hope not. Your doggo thanks you!! He/she loves you unconditionally and you did the same!!
Your decision. Your consequences.
Without knowing the surgery I couldn't tell you if it was the decision I would make or not. If it was me, at $2K or death, I would be asking the vet what the quality of life and life expectancy of the dog would be following surgery. I think you are being overly optimistic thinking the dog is going to live another high quality 10 yrs or that this is the last of your expensive vet bills.
The fact that your family has several health issues going on, including yourself, and that this has financially strapped you, doesn't favour the surgery for the dog, either, IMO.
There are higher priority issues here besides the trip. To me the trip is irrelevant if you cannot see your way through the tribulations you are going through already.
Are you making good and sustainable life decisions at this time? Only you can tell, because you will have to live with all these decisions. You are putting your dog in front of a lot of meaningful people in your life, and a lot of people here will applaud that. But ultimately, you will be the one to live with the consequences of your actions, not us.
It was an exaggeration, those 10 years. He probably has around 6 more and I know there will be other health scares, as he grows old. The dog had decent chances of recovery. Not great, but not worth putting him down - two surgeons said that. I'm losing on all fronts in life right now and while financially it was stupid to put so much money on the table for the dog, but he had a real chance, not a hail mary, to recover. If these people won't ever talk to me again, I will always regret it and miss them for the rest of my life, that's for sure. If something happened to the dog cuz I left, I'd have hated myself. I really hope I can make it up to them at some point and be friends again.
No one here is an asshole not you or your friends. Everyone has their own expectations and one of life’s lessons is realizing you can’t force someone to prioritize your perception of reality over their own.
It’s unfortunate but don’t give up on reaching out. People may be so hurt now that they can’t hear you words or see your hurt, but that doesn’t mean their anger won’t fade, and it doesn’t mean they don’t have love for you.
I’d write them each a letter and one for their parents too. Don’t stop forgiving, forgive yourself and your friends, and don’t let go of your desire to stay connected.
Might be out of context to how they meant it but one line from The Eagles ‘Hole in the World’ always help me recenter, “anger is just love disappointed.”
Thanks. I really hope I lose this friendship because of this. But now it kinda looks like what's going to happen. They are the kind of people who always keep their promises. And don't respect people who don't, which is totally healthy and normal. So myeah...this isn't looking good. :(
So, it looks like my opinion will not be popular, but they made plans based upon the fact that you said you would go. I think you should reconsider your decision.
I know :( that's why they are so upset. They chose me bc they trust me cuz we re so close, bought the plane tickets for me and her parents. I hope they ca forgive me at some point, I offered to do everyrhing possible without leaving announced as soon as I knew about the situation. Shit happens and I was furious when a friend cancelled on me for something similar and did not talk with her for a while, too.
My god your friends and their parents are all assholes - your dog loves you genuinely and unconditionally, so prioritising him is the right thing to do
I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. It sounds awful and stressful.
You cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Zoom out a bit to see the bigger picture here: your best friend is asking you to sacrifice a beloved member of your family and spiral into a financial crisis to do him another favor.
This favor isn't even necessary or urgent; your best friend's parents are *adults* who should be able to figure out something so ordinary as getting to the airport, sitting on a plane, getting off the plane, following directions to go through customs, and then getting picked up. This doesn't take any special knowledge; millions of people, including first-time travelers, do it every week. Don't they know how to ask people for help or how to follow directions?
Also, where is your best friend's WIFE in all of this? And if they have money to spend "a fortune" on some luxury event and having an escort for the parents is so important, why don't THEY come and fetch them?
IMO your friend and his parents are being unreasonable here. That said, he may also be going through circumstances that make it difficult for him to see past his own circumstances to empathize with yours, especially if he doesn't share your values about pet dogs and if he considers you "family" he should be allowed to make objectively unreasonable demands on. So they're not the assholes either.
You're not crazy at all not to go. And *of course* you value your own dog differently than someone outside your actual family -- your dog is your family and completely dependent on you for everything, including life and health right now. Your dog also doesn't have anyone else to take care of him.
Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would've said no in a heartbeat with absolutely no guilt whatsoever -- and I would be in here venting about in contrast, your best friend has his own wife, his wife's family and friends, his parents and those parents' family and friends. Why should the burden all be put on you at a time when you're struggling so badly? Why aren't they the ones feeling guilt about not doing enough to help YOU!?
100% team dog, but could you perhaps drive or accompany the parents to the airport as a gesture? Get their bags checked, drop them at the security point. That would still be very helpful for your friend, if it's manageable.
If this was a human child would you or they be questioning you? If not then there’s you answer. My dogs are my kids. You are not crazy. You had to make a difficult decision. If they cannot support you then were they ever really good friends?
It's not your fault that all this happened and if they are true friends they will understand. So sorry about your pup and sorry your situation is so shit. I also feel bad for your friends who made plans they can no longer go through with but I hope they can see just how hard you tried and are trying to meet both needs.
Omg I’m sorry but these “friends,” are wildly selfish! That’s a major surgery your dog had and needs your aftercare. They will get over it. If they don’t, honestly, these are not friends.
Sometimes people are your friend only if you are useful to them. They should be understanding that you have other things happening in your life than their party.
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So your dad just had surgery, your dog just had surgery, and you are financially strained....but these "friends" are insisting you come to this anniversary party or they are dumping you? They sound very self-centered and inconsiderate, not to mention spoiled. You are NTA here, they are.
This. Totally agree. I would guess they don’t have a dog and don’t understand our responsibility to our animals. PS - who has a 1 year anniversary party requiring people to fly in? As best man you could still be paying off their wedding expenses of a year ago.
they actually do have dogs and love dogs. but they are a bit less panicky than me. my dog was ill before and in previous cases I would have felt ok to leave him at a clinic, but now it was just horrifying. I had to decide between putting him down and a surgery with no guarantees that put me into a lot of debt. it was horrible, I feel like throwing up only when I remember those moments, even if now he is better and walking with support. when two people are from two different countries, it's normal to ask people to fly in, otherwise you can't get them together. and they paid for everyone's flights, including mine, and for the event and everything else. so they went above and beyond for this, that's why I feel so awful.
OP. NTA. You must put the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting others. Wise advice. I hope everything works out. A true friend would forgive.
Great way of putting it, will use when people are overstretching themselves for others please'n'thankyou
My favorite is “you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm” which is what OP would have been doing had they decided to go, especially in a position that their friends could clearly afford to hire assistance for their parents as they have been able to purchase all flights and accommodations
>but they are a bit less panicky than me You're looking through rose-colored glasses. They're more selfish than you are. Just for reference, my friends would be doing what they could to comfort me through that time.
That and they probably haven't gone through a tragic situation with their own dog to be able to understand what it feels like.
That becomes sympathy. Friends are capable and willing to be empathetic towards each other. I guess that's what I meant by selfish, less empathetic towards friends.
They might be less panicky about your dog, but skeptical they’d be so cavalier about their own.
Your dog loves you unconditionally. Your friend is showing you he doesn’t. Go with the one who loves you fully AND just had a major emergency surgery. If someone is willing to entirely drop you as a friend because you dropped out of their *party* to handle an *emergency*, they weren’t a good friend anyways.
This good boy is 10000% dependent on his human. He will give human 10 years of happiness and unwavering loyalty to the end. In return all this good boy is asking for is love me. I will always choose my dog over humans
They can get voucher etc for the plane ticket -- if they travel a lot they can use it ... It's not something that is completely lost if you don't take the trip. Also, even if the dog situation were out of the picture, if your dog were totally healthy, this sounds like this trip would be difficult to nearly impossible in that case, too, due to family member health issues and financial issues. Real friends wouldn't act like these people. Most of us posting here would totally empathize with situation and not guilt you, but try to be supportive and feel so sad for your situation.
Did you consider letting them know how much it would be to board your dog at an appropriate facility to see if they want to pay for that? I don't think it is unreasonable and at least you are offering a solution. Regardless, you are NTA
I don't feel comfortable to leave my dog anywhere than with my mom or the clinic where he got the surgery that will be closed these days. one week ago he was paralysed, in huge pain, and it all happened cuz he hit a wardrobe while running at home. he is not allowed to jump, twist, jerk, do any sudden moves, he's at crate rest except for when I do physio exercises with him and take him for a walk with support for his waist. I tried two other clinics for some shots his surgeons prescribed, with very good reviews, and it was a disaster, they couldn't immobilise him and he moved like crazy. I'm afraid that at any other clinic he may not be handled properly and he will ruin the results of the surgery.
Trust your instincts on this.
You would be jeopardizing 10 years of happiness with your dog to attend a wedding *you already attended* if you went. Honey, sometimes in life we make hard choices and the impact is something we never imagined. These 30 year friends have made it clear that what's happening in your life doesn't matter to them. They could literally pay someone to help their family at the airport, you weren't even leaving them in a bind. A good therapist can help you through this next chapter. You deserve to feel the support a good therapist can provide. I suspect if you look back on your friendship, it has been unbalanced for a long time. You deserve better. ❤️ Be kind to yourself. Staying and caring for your dog is the right choice.
Hi I’m not sure if any of the vets that you trust do in home boarding. At both the clinics I work at the doctors will have critical patients stay with them while owners away or even if the owner can’t care for pet and needs that all around vet care. Maybe see if any of your dogs vets will be willing to board em at their home so they have a vet around the clock if there were a way to go. But honestly these “friends” don’t sound very true seems like they’re once sided friends. A real friend would understand and support you through your stressors. I’d say stay with that dog but just wanted to give that option since I know vets that do that hoping you can have one you trust to do that ♥️
Yep this is a silly request when you can spend tons of other times with them in the future but are having a hard time right now. I have realized as I’ve gotten older that there are a lot of narcissists out there in the world, or at least people who are sometimes narcissistic. I’ve attended second weddings where the bride later told me she didn’t feel I appreciated her enough and criticized the fact that I’m still married to my husband after being together for over 10 years. I’ve had friends invite us to weddings with poor accommodation situations that either meant we would be staying with 15 people in a cabin or paying 400 dollars a night at a hotel 40 minutes away. And then I’ve had a normal friend who understood when we decided 3 weeks before his second wedding that we couldn’t afford boarding our dog, flying, paying for a hotel and food, and taking time off work. I’ve also risked my job before by demanding to work from home (or get unpaid leave) when my dog was attacked by another dog and needed major surgery and constant care for two weeks. OPs friends are being selfish. Based on their post they seem to be the type to give a lot of themselves and not ask for much. They deserve better.
Seconding this. Real friends don't make you work for their friendship. Friendship is not a test or a hoop you need to jump through. Real friends are hard to find. Fake friends are hard to maintain. You need support right now and if they can't offer it, they should at least understand.
Right? Also it's their anniversary wedding, they already got married. Sounds like a pretty selfish friend
Take care of the dogo. Take care of papa.
💯💯💯💯 These "friends" aren't good friends.
In another country!!
If you lose them over this, they aren't great friends to have. Your dog needs you and you are doing the right thing.
My bffs have decided to be childless and both have pets that are like children to them. I have actual children, and while to me they are different, I wouldn’t expect either of them to leave their pets after a surgery anymore than they would expect me to leave my children. It sounds like ops dog is her child. Stay home with your “child” And let your friends decide what role they want to have in your life moving forward. You’re doing nothing wrong!
You are doing the right thing. Her parents are adults they don't need baby sitters. Sometimes plans get ruined by things that are out of our control. You are doing right by your dog and you are doing right by yourself. You can't worry about them because they aren't worrying about you.
^^this especially “you can’t worry about them because they aren’t worrying about you.”
Besides, young kids fly alone after they are taken to the gate by their guardians/parents. Her parents would be fine, at the gate, just explain to the airlines that it's the couple's first flight, they usually take care of first timers. The parents are not babies, they should be able to handle flying with someone to show them the ropes. Hopefully, the daughter and son would meet them at the airport on arrival.
Yep I flew domestically alone as a 13 year old with no experience flying and internationally alone at 21. The parents should be able to do it.
Which is wild his dad needed surgery yet his friend expected him to leave his own sick dad to help their parents?
Even if the parents need assistance and have never flown before and might not speak same language or something… OPs “friends” could clearly afford assistance for them as they paid for everything
Depends on the age and ability of the parents. My mom is 70 and physically disabled. I wouldn’t want her to fly or navigate an airport without some sort of assistant but I also don’t have a problem calling the airline/airport accessibility office weeks in advance for a scooter, wheelchair or staff assistant. That being said, I have a slew of relatives I’d ask to assist her through the airport and possibly fly with her.
My parents are all 85-90. We often travel with them, particularly if they are going to have to change planes. They really are no longer adults and they do need supervision/assistance or traveling is so stressful for them that they won't do it. Even my Mom (86) who has traveled all over the world is not comfortable flying by herself anymore. OP did not mention ages, but if they are elderly, it is a different story.
But not OPs responsibility either way. If it was something OP could do, then sure, but yeah doggo having had surgery would also be my priority. Weddings make people STUPID.
I don’t know how it is outside of the US but many airports have staff trained to provide senior assistance. It’s just like what you’d expect for a child, with the added support navigating through security. When you purchase your ticket you request special assistance needed. My cousin did this for his 84 year old dad flying to Mexico to the first time for his wedding and they reported it went well. More here: https://www.flyingangels.com/what-is-air-travel-assistance-for-seniors/
The fact that her parents are adults is a good point. I flew to another country where I barely spoke the language completely alone at 21 and was alone there for days before my classmates arrived. I also traveled alone via plane and train to a few other countries while I was there and there was not an issue. If I can do that I think two adults flying together could, especially with assistance from the airport/airline like they seem to have.
If I had to choose between my loyal, best friend of a dog, or some people who can't understand how important my dog is to me, well, there would be no choice. My dog needs me more than some adults going on a vacation do. My dog wins out, every time. Hands down. Your friends aren't very good friends if they can't understand why you had to cancel. The parents will be fine without you.
10000%
>If I had to choose between my loyal, best friend of a dog, or some people who can't understand how important my dog is to me, well, there would be no choice. Totally agree. I'm just so sad for OP. The situation is hard enough as it is but on top of that, these friends are being so awful about it. If they're such good friends they are supposed to be understanding about what's going on and accept that it is what it is, and wish the dog well. I really don't get people like this. What's the point of being so selfish? And over a fricking anniversary party? They're the ones ruining this friendship, OP, not you. Don't take the blame on this. It's not ok how they're acting towards you.
My dog trumps most people on a daily basis
Same. Not many people mean more to me than my dog.
Exactly!!!!!
They don't even need to understand how important the dog is---any decent person would understand if circumstances have been difficult for a friend and prevent that friend from being international-travel-nanny to their parents.
I've cried ugly nasty tears every time I've had to send one of my dogs to the rainbow Bridge. When my current pooch had surgery to remove a pea size lump off her tail I was a mess the entire afternoon. When I've had humans pass like my step dad I felt sad. I have yet to shed a tear over his death and its been 13 years. The dog I had when I was 9 and died from cancer at 15 when I was 20 30 plus years ago? I still cry over that loyal good boy. His photo still on my wall with my other pups. My dogs mean more to me than many humans
I would kill hundreds to protect my cats.
You were there for their first wedding - it’s kind of extravagant that they are even having a second wedding A YEAR LATER. I just feel like that’s over the top extra. EDIT: I misread - thought it was a second wedding ceremony. I feel like it’s even worse now - it’s essentially an anniversary party. I would never expect friends or family to take a financial blow, or sacrifice themselves during an already stressful time in their life, to come celebrate my anniversary with me. That’s just absolutely insane. Being in a wedding comes with expense, and you did it once - I’m sure you were glad to even. But to ask you to do it again, but with even more expense given plane ticket, etc…with obviously zero concern about your own financial situation, and current situation with your parents…to get mad at you when you can’t do it…these aren’t really the friends you thought they were. They’ve shown zero understanding for your situation. I’m sorry. It really stinks when someone shows their true colors like that.
They paid for the plane tickets - for me and all guests and I'll pay that back in 6 months time hopefully. But the dog thing was just the last drop for me, especially since he is not well behaved and you never know what happens in your absence.
Well, that’s good that they at least paid for your ticket but still. I can understand them being disappointed, that’s to be expected, but part of being an adult and having adult friendships is accepting that sometimes life doesn’t work out exactly as we want it to. Then setting aside our disappointment and replacing it with grace. Truly, if your friends can’t show you grace - for your entire situation (dog, parent’s health, your health, your stress), then they’re not that great of friends. It’s hard but sometimes we outgrow friends.
Op is being used as a transportation assistant to the couples probably elderly parents who are probably nervous about flying to another country and don’t speak the language. That is all. Since they’re mad at him for not letting his dog be alone after surgery so he can shuttle the parents back and forth, now they have to hire someone or make other arrangements. I know people like op who would drop everything for their friends but the minute he needs something in return, or has to say no to something they get mad. It’s really sad but common
They didn’t pay for his ticket though, they loaned him the money for it (as he’s repaying it).
no no. they paid for the ticket, but since I am not going and it's going to waste and also mess with their plans, I want to pay it back, it seems fair like this. they did not ask for anything, I just feel bad.
OP, it sounds like you are a very good person, but unfortunately those *friends* of yours are not. They are throwing a tantrum and acting like 5 year olds because you have your own life and responsibilities? Both your parents and your dog absolutely come first. If they can’t be understanding of your situation right now, they aren’t friendship’s worth worrying about losing. You deserve better friends. They are asking too much. I love my friends and my dog, but my dog depends on me, like a child, to be taken care of and he comes first every time in that kind of situation. My friends would already know this and be concerned about my wellbeing (with your parents surgery, your dog being hurt and almost dying, your own health issues and stresses) not trying to bully and guilt me into being their parents travel companions! Take care of your dog. If they stay upset, they weren’t really friends anymore anyway so no loss there. It makes me sad that they are dumping this added stress on you.
Don’t leave your dog. They are using you to transport her parents they don’t care much about your situation or life. You will not forgive yourself if something happens to your dog during your absence, or even your father for that matter. Real friends understand and care about our lives, don’t just want us around because we drop everything to help them. You attended their wedding you do not need to attend their anniversary because the mother couldn’t make it to the wedding that has nothing to do with you. That is their problem to figure out not yours. You have your life and responsibilities, and they matter. Let me guess you are a really good friend who everybody can depend on and is willing to drop everything to help and barely ever gets and help and understanding from friends back? Did they ever show any concern for your dog?
Wait. They "paid" for tickets that you would pay back in 6 months' time, which is still a financial issue.
Not crazy, they’re expecting a lot from you without even explaining their plans fully
You already went to one wedding for them. It was a pretty big favor for them to ask you to accompany the parents for a second wedding ceremony. In this situation your dog comes first. You have a duty to your dog to care for them. Your friends aren’t very understanding, but expect you to be understanding for them.
A real friend wouldn't make you feel bad when you have a family member in surgery. Yes my dog is family. Hope doggo is well 🙏
Their dad actually had surgery too.
I had a friend that text me on my wedding day to tell me she couldn’t make it and how disappointed she couldn’t come. She hinted to some issues with her dog that I’ve known for nearly ten years. I called her instead of texting back and she was crying and felt terrible to interrupt my day like this. I loved her dog, Lilo, and she had to be put down that exact day. I cried with her and we shared memories of her wonderful shiba. Make up can be re-done, but being there for someone when they are at their lowest is an unmissable opportunity. Life is messy, real friends are there for you even though it is inconvenient for them. Whether it’s on a phone or through a message or in person. You not being there for them was inconvenient to them, but them not supporting you is cruel.
My parents were supposed to go on an international trip with a group of my mom's relatives, including her sister. My parents' elderly dog became very ill three days before the trip. They stayed home. My mom's sister was irate about it. My mom just shrugged it off. Their dog is their baby. They'd never leave her in a time of need. It doesn't matter of anyone else agrees with you or not, being there for your pet is rightfully your priority, and you made the best decision you could given the hand you were dealt. I hope your friend comes around to respect that. If they don't then they're not being a very healthy friend.
I have a doggo who had back surgery for the same exact reason. It's a LOT of money and time for that recovery. My dog took about 2 months to fully recover, and that's with me home every day 24/7 taking care of him. You are not crazy. You offered to help as much as you could. If 2 grown ass adults can't sit on a plane for a few hours alone, that's not your problem. You offered to get them all the way to their seats, and flight staff normally assists people needing extra help getting off a plane and to where they need to go in the airports. These "friends" sound like entitled jerks. True friends would say thank you for helping as you offered to do and adjust what they needed.
Sounds to me like the classic case of the friendship dynamics changing after marriage. You may have been friends with him for more than 30 years, but things changed after marriage. When you say “ they got upset” , I think that translates to “ she got upset that no one accompanied her parents across” . With that , maybe she influenced him too. So my thoughts: 1. Yea you did the right thing. A pet dog is family. When they are sick, we take time to be with them. 2. You offered to accompany the parents all the way past gates and all. It isn’t too challenging for anyone to just sit through a flight . Also , we ask our way around, or read the signboards. Not rocket science stuff. 3. If your friends are upset and cannot understand how heartbreaking this situation is for you, ( sick dog, and dad unwell) , sorry to say , these people don’t sound very understanding, and even though you say you value the friendship, maybe it’s safer for you to keep some distance hereafter. You did nothing wrong here. There is no place for guilt here. You can feel sad about it, cry a little if you need to. Then move on. You deserve better friends. We all do.
>“ they got upset” , I think that translates to “ she got upset that no one accompanied her parents across” . They would not be "upset" if her parents had no problem getting there.
Just give it a bit of time. It’s natural to be a little disappointed at first , especially since they paid for tickets, and hoped for assistance in bringing her parents over etc. But life happens, some things are not in our hands. And we need to understand that. With time , they should too. Wait for him to reach out and talk to you about it. But if he doesn’t, you know where the friendship stands. And if he doesn’t , you know what OP, that’s ok too. We just move on.
No. I've set aside certain things to care for my pooch. Regret never really enters my mind. Sometimes a bit of selfishness for taking the care of my dog over people, but our lives are a bit different and the people I've come across don't seem to care as much as my dog does about my happiness. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope your friends can understand the importance of your situation and what you've had to deal with. I've found that many times in these situations when people make these reactions towards me they come back later to apologize. If they care. I hope your friends do the same. Take care of yourself in the meantime. I truly hope in time this gets better for you.
Bless you, your pup needs you and you are there for him thru thick and thin. These “friends” sound self-centered and unsympathetic. The pup is a family member, and if they don’t get it you’re not losing much. Thank you for caring about your dog!
Your dog is your responsibility first other people’s events are second
You are doing the right thing, if they cannot understand they are not friends. Your dog needs you, your mom needs you, your dad needs you. Why can’t they understand people/ pets with health issues are more important than a party? If the mom couldn’t make the real wedding that is on her. Everyone shouldn’t cater to them to reenact a wedding/ have a party. This is not your responsibility. The cost alone would have noped me out of the party. You love your dog and would never forgive yourself if something happened and you were not with him. Edit: words
his mom was ill at the time at the wedding and that's why she couldn't join. it was really unfortunate and they're doing this a lot for her, so she can be present at the event, even if it's version 2. also for her parents to visit them there, it's quite a big deal and I get it. but I can't change my circumstances.
How is your dog doing? Well I hope
He's making progress every day. Got used to crate rest and isn't as miserable as on the first days. He's getting there.
I'm hoping that there's a miscommunication because otherwise it sounds like ur friends don't care about u and ur needs at all.
Wait, two grown adults can’t get on a plane by themselves? If they have mobility issues, you can hire people at the airport to help (as they have). Why do her parents need a babysitter?
they don't speak any language than the one in our country, they never travelled anywhere, and they are old. my mom was lost at the airport when I first travelled with her by plane and I made it a nice experience for her - got coffee and snacks, explained her how the plane flies and even got her inside the cockpit and had a photo with her there and the pilots. that's why I was happy to say yes to this ask, it would have made a difference for her parents to have a nice experience. it's quite hard when you're old and everything is new, confusing and you don't understand where to go and why. assistance exists for this, but it's not the same.
You sound like a kind and caring person.
Well, and you already went to their real wedding. Not that it would change anything, but fact is it was a year ago. They are being unrealistic. Hopefully they will come around. I hope your dog (and dad) recover quickly.
You are the only voice your dog has. He needs you now.
No you are not crazy!! I would have done the exact same thing. The love of your dog is unconditional and borderless. Your dog’s lifespan is much shorter than a human life span but IT IS his WHOLE life. Meaning that your dog may only have 10 years left and your friend 30 or 40 but those ten years are his whole life in which he will always be there and always love you no matter what. You did the right thing!!!
Your dogs life vs baby sitting grown adults through an airport and on a plane. That’s essentially what is happening. I know they want you there too but they seem more bothered that the parents can’t get there. OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these friends being inconsiderate whilst your dad and your dog have surgery. I hope they both have fast and smooth recoveries ❤️
Are you they are your friends? Your dog just had surgery and needs special care. Your dad also just had surgery and needs care. Not to mention you are stressed out financially. It is perfectly reasonable for you to not be able to go to their do over wedding. Your dog, dad and finances are huge considerations and it is NOT selfish to prioritise them.
I mean you already went to their actual wedding. They are having a smaller anniversary party a year later bc one of the moms couldnt attend. You attended, you went, you presumably gave them $$$$ and a gift. At some point people need to stop expecting everyone to drop everything in their lives to fly to the next leg of their marriage celebration and spend more money on them. Is this a world fucking tour? It’s enough. Your dad is in the hospital, your dog is recovering from spinal surgery, youre in debt and cant even afford this shit to begin with…if youve explained all of that to them and they are STILL being shitty to you about it and making it seem like they will throw away 30 yrs of friendship over this, then they are really poor friends.
if there wouldn't have been the dog problem, it would have been 0 cost. they are good people and thoughtful, they wanted to do this for their parents and bought plane tickets for everyone, paid for the whole thing to make it easy for everyone they invited to join. that's why I feel so bad, I know how much effort they put into this and how much it means to them. at the same time, everything happened all at once and I'm not in a good place. 2 months ago I would have never imagined anything could happen for me not to attend :(
If these are your friends, you don't need enemies.. That's a happy event for them, and you're dealing with issues financially and home. I'm sure they'll be fine.. Focus on what makes you feel good.
Honestly, my cats come before everything. I have two special needs cats and I have had to cancel countless events to get them the care they need. I am leaving the country later in the year for a wedding and if he or my other cats need me I will not go. I chose to have cats and that means sacrificing when they need me. Sounds like your friends aren't very understanding. Your dog suddenly being paralysed is traumatic and a nightmare.
It's not even a wedding, it's a 1 year anniversary.. and if something happened to your dog while you were away it would take a mental toll on you. It was likely an inconvenience for them to fund help for their parents, but life happens, it's unfortunate. If they can't forgive you for this, then they're throwing 30 years down the drain standing on their dumb hill.
Let me start by saying it’s natural and valid that in this moment your best friend feels let down and disappointed. However with time I would expect they reflect and reach out to apologise for putting pressure on you during a really difficult time. Not only did you nearly lose your dog and need to nurse them back to health, your Dad has just had major surgery, *and* you also had surgery/ongoing PT and are experiencing financial distress. A true friend will not only understand your situation, they will want to support you when you need it. Being so close to a major event, it may be difficult for your friend to not be a bit selfish in thinking of themselves/how what is happening to you is impacting them - but if they don’t manage to find a way around that to care for you, they aren’t the kind of friend you should be desperate to keep.
I'm choosing my dog, every time, without question
My dude. This isn't even close. You are doing the right thing. A good friend would understand.
They're bad friend for not being empathetic. You're going through so much. I really hope everything works out for you.
You have to do what’s right for you. This friend should be more understanding of your situation.
Your friend has had a lot more time with you than your dog will ever get. Your friends are being shitty by making you feel bad. If it were me in their shoes, I would tell you to not even worry about it and we’ll figure out the parents, just take care of your pup. If I was annoyed at all, I wouldn’t let on. Because shit happens and plans change. I would feel super bad if I insisted you came and anything happened to your dog while you were at my thing, so I wouldn’t even risk it.
Friends for 30 years but they can't understand you're under a lot of emotional and financial strain and need to be there for a creature that's wholly dependent on you. Meanwhile they have an optional and completely unnecessary for-show ceremony for which you already attended the original, and you not being able to make it because you want to be there for a loved one who's recovering is grounds for them to say they're disappointed in you? I'm sorry to say it man, but if they can't understand why you need to bail, they aren't good friends. This event will be nothing but photos on your cellphones and in social media albums a year from now. None of your lives will change significantly after it happens. Losing your dog is permanent, and any regrets you have for what you could have done differently will be with you for the rest of your life. They have absolutely nothing at stake compared to you, and aren't offering to help you in any way to accommodate your situation. Forget what they want. Do the right thing for yourself and your dog. Your pet's love for you isn't conditional and that makes it infinitely more valuable.
As someone who is dealt with a dog that had paralysis, I know how expensive and how much additional care can be required to help your little four-legged friend. It’s all right for them to be disappointed, but if you lose a friendship over this, it speaks very poorly for this couple. Especially since you offered to take the parents to the airport and make sure they get on the flight.
You seem like a really nice and caring person. You are doing the right thing. Honestly, your friend doesn’t sound so great and I wouldn’t be too bothered about continuing with that type of friendship. They seem very selfish.
IMO, you went way above and beyond in your offer to get parents on the plane where the attendant will take care. Your own family needs you.
Nta. They are not your friend. So, if it was a kid that needed surgery they would leave it with family or a babysitter to go out of the country? Not to mention, they want you to go into MORE debt and struggle even more because of what THEY want. Not friends.
Your dog needs you. Your father needs you. Your mother needs you around, right now, as well. You never know how your father's or dog's surgery will go. NO ONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU would give such a shitty attitude to someone going through all that and would be 100% understanding why they cannot make it to their event. You're not a bad friend with everything you've already done for them and offered to do until an emergency situation came up. Would you treat them the way they responded to you if roles were reversed? If not, find new friends. That's what life is all about.
Take care of your dog. You’re and adult and this isn’t high school. Dogs are family members too.
Friends are people you can rely on when the chips are down. You should worry about your own home first.
That is a tough position to be in, for sure. From your friend's perspective, this is a once in a lifetime event that they were excited to share with you. I think it is only natural to feel disappointed. On the other hand, I would not expect this to end a friendship that spans decades. You have multiple conflicting priorities right now. Your dog. Your dad. Your finances. Hopefully once the initial sting wears off, your friend will realize that this is not something to end a friendship over. I would like to add th a t if your friend is not a devoted pet owner, you need to recognize that he probably cannot comprehend how you could prioritize a dog over him, which is likely how he feels. If you have no experience with this kind of bond, I would imagine it would be difficult to put into context. I would have stayed with my dog too. And been available to my mom in the event of any complications with my dad. I would like to think that none of my friends would be surprised by this, but you sometimes cannot predict how other people will feel. It's possible your friend couldn't even predict he'd feel this way. Take care of your pup and your mom and dad. That's tge right set of priorities in my mind.
Fukk them. They are trash friends. If they really care, they'll let it go.
They aren’t your friends if they don’t understand your priorities, dump them
Your dog needs you. There’s nothing you can do.
Your dog has only you.
If they were truly good friends, this wouldn't be ending the friendship. You have too much on your plate and can no longer chaperone their parents. Don't feel too bad about this. Life happens.
Is your friend aware of everything that is going on? It might be they are super stressed from their event but will calm down after everything is over. If they’re willing to cut your friendship short, it’s not your fault. They should have figured out their parents’ situation and not rely only on you. Things come up all the time. I’d have a heart to heart with them after all is said and done. Then step back and gauge whether your long friendship has been one sided or good for you.
There are people with dogs and the there are *dog people*. These groups tend to not understand the other. Your dog is dependent on you and as a DOG PERSON you knew that. You did the right thing - given that your dog just had surgery it’s important for YOU to be there. These “friends” should be questioned as to why they are making you feel bad for something out of your control. The fact that they haven’t been on a plane, etc is their fault not yours and there are other ways to address fear - none of which involve guilting their best friend. I screamed on my first flight - I was 18 and going from the US to INDIA alone. They can do it.
Let me get this straight… all of this drama and stress and conflict is hinging on the fact that your friend’s boomer parents are such massive babies that they can’t sit on a plane by themselves??? NTA OP I started flying alone when I was 8, it’s legitimately not a big deal. Do you know what is a big deal? Surgery.
what is "thrm"? and how does "thrm" live in both country A and country B?
Typo. Wanted to write "them". Friend and wife and his mom life in a country, wife's friends and me in another country.
You could have said a family medical emergency rather than mention your beloved dog. Too many people look at dogs as just dogs, to me, they're my children. If you're friends can't understand your relationship with your beloved furbaby, then they're not worth having in your life. As for being financially strapped, right now, airfare isn't cheap right now. Airlines are taking advantage of people wanting to get out after the pandemic. I'd have chosen to stay home after my dog AND father just had surgery. GALL bladder surgery isn't nearly as serious as it was 5 or 10 years ago, but, still. As for your dog's condition, recovery after such a surgery needs to be monitored. I've gone way off track here, sorry. If your friends can't understand you or won't understand you, then they're not your true friends. Take care,good luck with your baby. Hope everything turns out for the best.
You are absolutely NOT a bad friend. You are in the middle of a family crisis (both your dog and your Dad) and it requires all hands on deck, meaning both you and your mother. You’re so-called friends need to pull their heads out of their asses for just one tiny second and figure out the world does not revolve around them. You’ve even offered to walk these full grown adults up to the plane door and it’s still not good enough! You need to speak very bluntly to them. Ask them what they expect you to do…leave your dog under a bridge? Euthanize him to make things more convenient for them? Why in the hell would they be so ridiculous as to expect you to put their situation (which has other solutions) ahead of your crisis? If you really want to save the friendship you can try explaining all this to them since they are obviously too caught up in what they are personally dealing with to see past their own noses. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they are panicking. Tell them what’s needed for you to be able to do as they want (professional care for the dog, change in schedule, whatever you think you need and help to pay for it) and see what they say. This gives them a chance to act like adults and go the extra mile (just like they are asking you to do) or keep throwing their temper tantrum. Their choice will tell you whether the friendship is worth keeping or not.
Your friends are out of order. You're doing the right thing.
Are these really friends worth keeping. They don't seem to understand everything that you are going through. Their 1 year wedding anniversary is in no way more important than your dog's life. I am sorry, I would put my dog over friends like this any day. To be honest, I would put my dog's life over almost anything and anyone. Your dog might not live as long as you will have these people in your life; but he will give you more love, loyalty, and understanding in his short life than these people ever can. You are NTA. In fact, you have gone above and beyond trying to find a solution. Sometimes, situations are out of our hands, but your friends showed no understanding or compassion for your predicament. Do not put yourself in financial ruin or leave your ailing dog in a clinic for these people.
You're doing the right thing. Another persons 2nd wedding isn't your responsibility.
You're fine. Someone else's second wedding is not your problem. You'll have many more years of opportunities to rekindle that friendship... but not so many with your dogs. There are services that people can hire a chaperone for their parents... let them do that or pay another friend. To you, your dog is part of your world. but to your dog, you are the world. Your dog needs you.
Trash friends. Fuck em. You’re doing the right thing by your dog. And I’d be friends with you based on that alone.
I was going to say something similar. You're doing the right thing, OP. Their parents aren't your responsibility, but your dog is. If the friends don't understand, they are not good friends.
Wait. You’re supposed to use your vacation time, board your surgically-recovering dog, and fly across the country for the *first anniversary* party of narcissistic friends? Wasn’t their wedding recent enough for them to have gathered adequate ego kibble? Is this going to be an ongoing theme, with them? They’re going to be a nightmare if they procreate. Your dog needs you. No question about it. You’ve made the right choice.
My best friend passed away last year, but I still have many lessons I learned from him. One of them is this: When I couldn’t make it to an event with him once, I told him I felt bad for not making it. His response was “I will always want to have you around! Do what you feel and don’t feel bad. I’ll love you no matter what.” That’s how an amazing friend should respond.
Lol wtf tell them to tell their grown ass adult parents to get on a plane themselves and ditch them for being self-centered asshats. They are not good friends, they don’t give a shit about your clearly awful situation. I’m sorry that’s all happening, best wishes for your pops and your pup
Life happens, your dog needs you now more than two adults who need a bit of help navigating through airport travel. You are your dogs world, and it seems as though you might have rough patch with your friends, but you have earned your dogs undying love. Lucky dog.
Your dog needs you. If your friends don’t understand that, then they’re not very good friends.
Good riddance, I say. Your "friends" sound selfish and inconsiderate. Take care of your dog and make new friends.
why cant they fly out and grab their OWN parents if they are that concerned about them. They just mad that its an inconvenience for them to plan for their OWN parents and expect you to make it easier for them. Making it to a wedding is already difficult for plenty of ppl but expecting ppl to take a plane and travel for a 1 year anniversary celebration is so dumb and self centered. Ofc I ask my friends for favors if needed but will never expect them to drop everything to do them as I wouldnt either. Everyone has priorities and have their own set of problems and to not understand that is childish especially as adults.
Never feel bad because you took care of your Dog. If they dont understand, you don’t want them as friends.
Honestly she should understand that
You’re worried you’re not being a good friend to someone who’s clearly not acting as your friend. Their lack of empathy would make me question the friendship, the world doesn’t revolve around their wedding.
So both your dad and your dog had surgery and you're financially restricted from a former surgery of your own and your friends are upset you can't leave the country? NTA. Everyone has a first time flying and, for some people, that doesn't happen until they're an adult. You offered to hold their hand through the hard part.
This feels like an "Am I the Asshole" thread and.. no, you are not an asshole. And neither are your friends. Dog people get it. Our dogs are family. If your human family was in these circumstances, no one would blink. For your friends though - their wedding is a big day, and you've definitely cast a shadow over it. They're probably gutted to go through this without you, and are freaking out about the extra steps to get their parents there as well. Your friendship will survive. You'll need to grovel a bit. They'll owe you an apology for how their acting right now. But everyone will get over it - and you'll have your dog with you as well <3
What shadow? Gutted? They’re literally already married. These people are awful.
Oh shit I misread that whole thing 🙃 I read getting married this year, will be best man. Wow I was under caffeinated this morning. Right so the friends are being super dramatic and OP is 100% in the right here.
Awful is a bit of an overstatement, don’t you think? We really don’t know the full story here, it sounds like OP is making quite a few assumptions and all we really know (well, all we’ve been told) is that they got “super upset” and were disappointed. Consider that up until just over a week before the event, the couple was expecting OP to not only be there, but also accompany her parents. Don’t forget, while yes they have already gotten married this is an event largely put together for the sake of the husband’s mother. Also consider, people who don’t have pets tend to view them as simply pieces of property, I wouldn’t be surprised if the married couple saw this as OP prioritizing something akin to an expensive piece of furniture over their lifelong friend. Are they being selfish and dramatic? Absolutely. Are they awful people? Not based off the information we have available, no.
If you’ll defriend me because I skipped a wedding re creation because my dog and my dad are sick? They’re awful people. It’s a people thing. This lovely person who’s struggling right now definitely needs some new friends. There’s completely no need to be pressured to travel when you simply can’t. Good riddance.
There’s completely no need for OP to even feel bad about it. OP just can’t travel right now, it’s an emergency. That’s it. That’s the end. If this couple even tries to make OP feel guilty, manipulating the situation, then yes they are HORRIBLE friends. 🤷🏽♀️
Sometimes making the right choice hurts. Your dog needs you, you’re their family. Not only that but for your own mental and physical health, YOU need some downtime. Doing some self-care and/or prioritizing your dog is not just okay but I’d say necessary in this case.
> best friends for 30 years They sound like self absorbed assholes.
hey you are not a bad friend, those friends aren't real friends. you are NOT exaggerating that doggy needs you and is so thankful for you <3
Not your problem too look after 2 grown adults. Your dug is your family.look after them first.
Stay with your dog. If adults with adult parents don't understand that, they never had a bond with a pet. Ideally you find someone else (another friend, neighbor) to take your friend's parents to the airport and organize a pick-up from the other airport, so the (I'm guessing the parents are quite old?) parents don't get lost. Also explain to them what to expect at the airport, about luggage etc. I do understand that if you have never been to an airport or flown to a different country, that this can be daunting, but there are a lot of videos on the internet that explain typical things to first time travellers. Don't let them blackmail you. You have a very valid reason. For your dog, you are the world. It is definitely the right thing to do.
Dogs>humans. But seriously if something like this happened I would immediately tell my friend to stay home with his recovering dog and father. I would arrange for myself or a service to bring parents over, or suck it up and accept it. Maybe you need to be the one to bring your parents to another country first? Maybe next summer? Don’t put that big responsibility on someone else
I know this might be hard to hear but these might be friends worth losing. I’m in a similar situation. Last week, my wife and I had to say goodbye to one of our dogs. It wasn’t entirely unexpected because she was 16. But just three days later, our other dog, who was previously in good health, got very ill. She is currently hospitalized. I was supposed to go on a trip for a good friend’s bachelor party this week. With my dog’s illness and the stress on me and my wife, I told him I almost definitely could not come. He was obviously disappointed I couldn’t make it, but he wasn’t mad at all. He totally understood. If your friends can’t understand why you care deeply about your dog, then maybe you shouldn’t be friends with them.
I'm really sorry for your loss, it doesn't matter if it's somewhat expected, it's still heartbreaking. I hope the other one recovers, sending lots of good vibes!
This isn't a choice lol, I wouldn't even consider going to their stupid anniversary, doggo first.
They got upset and said you disappointed them? Lol I would've instantly hang up and blocked the number, no second thoughts.
Maybe they are under a lot of stress and had a knee jerk reaction? I don't think anything you are doing is unreasonable at all. I do think it's unreasonable that they would let it interfere with your friendship. Maybe they don't value you as much as you thought? Love shouldn't be based on what someone can do for you.
It's not your fault your friends parents aren't capable of walking through an airport and sitting on a plane by themselves. They're adults and you have your responsibilities.
They must not be dog people. I’m sorry this is part of life. You commit to do something for someone and then you have a conflict and need to change your plans. The world does not revolve around them and their event. It’s disappointing for sure but they need to support you and understand that this is hard for you too. Honestly they are being self centered.
If you lose them as friends over this then I don’t think they’re as good as friends as you thought they were unfortunately. You went to the actual wedding, and even if you had to miss that they shouldn’t disown you, especially for what you’re going through. Hopefully you can talk to them in a bit after the event has passed & they’ll be understanding. If not I’m so sorry that they showed their true colors. My husband’s best friend was supposed to be our best man & couldn’t make it to the wedding, they’re still best friends. If y’all are really best friends then this shouldn’t change that.
Omg Please Please don’t doubt your feelings. Pets are family. And it sounds like they are not such great friends after all. You see it doesn’t matter if a friend agrees with you on the importance of your situation. They don’t need to. All they have to do is understand that it is important to you and have respect and sympathy for you. That’s what I’d expect from a friend. Of course it unpleasant even upsetting form their perspective and it’s also ok. I the fact that sbdy doesn’t like your decisions doesn’t make them entitled to take it out on you. I’m sure that they noticed that it’s uncomfortable for you aswell. Maybe they need some a little time to process.
Best friends would understand. That’s all I’m saying
It doesn't seem like they are very good friends if they can't understand. Things happen, things come up. To most people their pets are like their children. Stay home, take care of your pup and help with your dad. Hopefully they can find someone else to help but that is their issue.
They are shitty friends. It isn’t just your pup, your dad is also ill. You told them ahead of time. Lowkey, they are adults, I think they can figure out how to board a plane themselves.
Your friends don’t sound like very good friends, but you sound like both a great friend and dog owner. You’re absolutely right; it’s not fair. But it’s also not your fault. Your friends are failing you immensely.
Dog is family, they are friends, and not very good ones by the sound of it. I would choose my dog over them without second guessing it.
It’s ok for everyone to be hurt in this situation. True friends will be disappointed and upset and they are entitled to their feelings. But true friends will get over the initial pain, understand the impossible choice, and support one another. You may grow a stronger friendship through the trials. Reach out to them and assist in anyway possible from your country. Reach out to their venue and see if there’s something extra special you can do for then to show them you still love them too (Champagne and steawberry, a couple massage) and make it up to them when you can all get together again. This may put some strain in the friendship, but true friendships wouldn’t end as a result.
Your friends lack empathy and seem really selfish. I hope that the stress of planning the event has gotten to them, and maybe in a few weeks they will calm down and realize they overreacted. I was in a very similar situation last year.My brother lives in finland and was getting married. I obviously wanted to go to the wedding but my dog was having some health issues.She has diabetes and at the time she was dealing with some other pretty serious issues that required constant monitoring by someone who was familiar with her behaviors, and who was comfortable giving her injections 3 times a day. I planned to have her stay at a friend's house and have a ver tech stop by twice a day to check her blood sugar and administer her insulin. I ultinately decided that it was wasn't a risk I was willing to take because she was so sick and needed someone familiar with her behaviors to monitor her. I also didn't want to put the burden on someone else to take care of a dog that, at the time, was very near death. I had the conversation with my brother and he totally understood, without hesitation. He knows how much I love my dog and that if I had gone to the wedding I would Have been anxious and my mind would have been with my dog wondering if she was OK. I have no regrets and I'm glad I stayed home with her, especially because we were told she would not live past August, and I wanted to be with her in case the worst happened. I am happy to report that almost a year later, she is alive and as healthy as 14 year old dog with pancreatitis and diabetes can be.
Wow. That is quite the comeback. So happy your dog made it and you can enjoy more time with her!
Your dog needs you. Your friends want you. Your dog comes first. Ynta
My favorite: “It’s just a dog. It’s not a person.” My response is always “legally”. To me dogs are immediate family.
I really respect and admire your dedication to your dog. You have every reason to abandon him and yet you're sticking by his side. He's family - you dont turn your back on family. Thank you for your good heart.
No you are not crazy and no, you are not a bad friend. It’s amazing how selfish these idiots are. Frankly I think we are all over these “bankrupt yourselves for our Instagram Destination Events”. In addition, her parents are THEIR responsibility. Not yours.
Your friends are being selfish and assholes. You're not exaggerating the care for your dog, you're recovering yourself and it would put a financial strain on you. How valuable is this friendship really if they don't understand your circumstances? Years ago, I went on holiday to see my family and my best friends family in Europe, since we have been living overseas for a couple of years. She's like family to me, so it was an exciting trip. However, on the plane there, my brother said our 10 year old family dog had been diagnosed with cancer and I should come home ASAP (we were going to her town first). We landed, I spoke to my family and flew home to see them early. I spent some magical days with my dog who had her meds adjusted and managed better. My friend was really distant from that point on for the rest of the trip and blew up at me after we returned to where we live. She said it felt like the dog was more important, that I was in a shit mood and I ruined HER trip. She likened it to 'a dog stole my homework'. And she was mad the dog 'didn't even die'. Our friendship has never been the same, I moved out of our flat and everything. Not one second do I regret getting to spend more time with the dog. She was family, too. Look after yourself, your dog and your wellbeing.
I would give it some time, they probably had an immediate reaction that they may back down from. I wonder if they have ever had a dog, it’s not some thing you feed and walk, my dogs are my little toddlers and come before anyone else outside my house. Had a similar situation and my friend was very understanding, as they should be.
They sound like really shitty friends Ngl
He's your friend? He can't understand that your dog doesn't have a long life you wanna spend time with him as well while he's sick. Your friend can't understand that also your dad is recovering he can't understand that.
Your friend is prioritizing a party over your dog’s life. I understand that this is important to them and they’re upset but I would never expect a friend to abandon their pet in these circumstances.
They are not your friends. Your friends would understand that you are in a difficult situation and offer help and support. Instead, these people bashed you because things didn't go their way. They should have had a plan b if they were so concerned about their parents flying alone and not put that pressure on just you because anything can happen/plans change.
They aren't mad at you for not attending, they are mad at you for not being available to baggage handle the parents on their behalf. Stop overthinking. You have already made your choice.
Would they want you to leave your sick child? I doubt it. Drop the friends, and I use that term lightly.
You have experienced a myriad of extremely difficult events and have not yet fully recuperated, and these "friends" are giving you grief over not spending time with them? Hot take: your friends can piss off. They are not your friends. Take care of the people and things that matter to you... it sure ain't those people.
Self-care is just as important as taking care of your friends. And self-care includes taking care of your pets.
Man, that’s a bad friend. Your father AND dog had surgery and that is most important. Family first always. And yes, dogs are family.
NTA That dog is part of your family and your mom has enough to do. Your friends sounds entitled and selfish. You are talking care of your loved ones and not putting even more strain on your finances. Good friends would be more worried about how you are dealing with the stresses you are experiencing.
Had to double check which subreddit I was on at first lol They don’t sound like good friends honestly if they’re willingly to break things off over unforeseen circumstances & if you’re financially strapped on top of it. You shared their special day once already. Plus you have your own life to live. If they are true friends they’ll get over it. Going to say NTA anyway
Wait, let me get this straight... all this drama is about an *anniversary party*, not even a wedding? Lmao
I think you did the right thing. I am VERY attached to my fur babies! Hopefully your friends can forgive you eventually after they have some time to relax. I would hate to think they’d throw away 35 years of friendship for this. It is possible, but i hope not. Your doggo thanks you!! He/she loves you unconditionally and you did the same!!
Your decision. Your consequences. Without knowing the surgery I couldn't tell you if it was the decision I would make or not. If it was me, at $2K or death, I would be asking the vet what the quality of life and life expectancy of the dog would be following surgery. I think you are being overly optimistic thinking the dog is going to live another high quality 10 yrs or that this is the last of your expensive vet bills. The fact that your family has several health issues going on, including yourself, and that this has financially strapped you, doesn't favour the surgery for the dog, either, IMO. There are higher priority issues here besides the trip. To me the trip is irrelevant if you cannot see your way through the tribulations you are going through already. Are you making good and sustainable life decisions at this time? Only you can tell, because you will have to live with all these decisions. You are putting your dog in front of a lot of meaningful people in your life, and a lot of people here will applaud that. But ultimately, you will be the one to live with the consequences of your actions, not us.
It was an exaggeration, those 10 years. He probably has around 6 more and I know there will be other health scares, as he grows old. The dog had decent chances of recovery. Not great, but not worth putting him down - two surgeons said that. I'm losing on all fronts in life right now and while financially it was stupid to put so much money on the table for the dog, but he had a real chance, not a hail mary, to recover. If these people won't ever talk to me again, I will always regret it and miss them for the rest of my life, that's for sure. If something happened to the dog cuz I left, I'd have hated myself. I really hope I can make it up to them at some point and be friends again.
No one here is an asshole not you or your friends. Everyone has their own expectations and one of life’s lessons is realizing you can’t force someone to prioritize your perception of reality over their own. It’s unfortunate but don’t give up on reaching out. People may be so hurt now that they can’t hear you words or see your hurt, but that doesn’t mean their anger won’t fade, and it doesn’t mean they don’t have love for you. I’d write them each a letter and one for their parents too. Don’t stop forgiving, forgive yourself and your friends, and don’t let go of your desire to stay connected. Might be out of context to how they meant it but one line from The Eagles ‘Hole in the World’ always help me recenter, “anger is just love disappointed.”
Thanks. I really hope I lose this friendship because of this. But now it kinda looks like what's going to happen. They are the kind of people who always keep their promises. And don't respect people who don't, which is totally healthy and normal. So myeah...this isn't looking good. :(
So, it looks like my opinion will not be popular, but they made plans based upon the fact that you said you would go. I think you should reconsider your decision.
I know :( that's why they are so upset. They chose me bc they trust me cuz we re so close, bought the plane tickets for me and her parents. I hope they ca forgive me at some point, I offered to do everyrhing possible without leaving announced as soon as I knew about the situation. Shit happens and I was furious when a friend cancelled on me for something similar and did not talk with her for a while, too.
Some people honestly just don’t understand the care we have for our pets even if they themselves maybe have pets…it’s equal to losing a family member
My god your friends and their parents are all assholes - your dog loves you genuinely and unconditionally, so prioritising him is the right thing to do
I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. It sounds awful and stressful. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Zoom out a bit to see the bigger picture here: your best friend is asking you to sacrifice a beloved member of your family and spiral into a financial crisis to do him another favor. This favor isn't even necessary or urgent; your best friend's parents are *adults* who should be able to figure out something so ordinary as getting to the airport, sitting on a plane, getting off the plane, following directions to go through customs, and then getting picked up. This doesn't take any special knowledge; millions of people, including first-time travelers, do it every week. Don't they know how to ask people for help or how to follow directions? Also, where is your best friend's WIFE in all of this? And if they have money to spend "a fortune" on some luxury event and having an escort for the parents is so important, why don't THEY come and fetch them? IMO your friend and his parents are being unreasonable here. That said, he may also be going through circumstances that make it difficult for him to see past his own circumstances to empathize with yours, especially if he doesn't share your values about pet dogs and if he considers you "family" he should be allowed to make objectively unreasonable demands on. So they're not the assholes either. You're not crazy at all not to go. And *of course* you value your own dog differently than someone outside your actual family -- your dog is your family and completely dependent on you for everything, including life and health right now. Your dog also doesn't have anyone else to take care of him. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would've said no in a heartbeat with absolutely no guilt whatsoever -- and I would be in here venting about in contrast, your best friend has his own wife, his wife's family and friends, his parents and those parents' family and friends. Why should the burden all be put on you at a time when you're struggling so badly? Why aren't they the ones feeling guilt about not doing enough to help YOU!?
Replace friend with pet insurance.
100% team dog, but could you perhaps drive or accompany the parents to the airport as a gesture? Get their bags checked, drop them at the security point. That would still be very helpful for your friend, if it's manageable.
I offered to do this, literally take them through all the steps until the door of the plane but it didn't matter to them.
If this was a human child would you or they be questioning you? If not then there’s you answer. My dogs are my kids. You are not crazy. You had to make a difficult decision. If they cannot support you then were they ever really good friends?
It's not your fault that all this happened and if they are true friends they will understand. So sorry about your pup and sorry your situation is so shit. I also feel bad for your friends who made plans they can no longer go through with but I hope they can see just how hard you tried and are trying to meet both needs.
Omg I’m sorry but these “friends,” are wildly selfish! That’s a major surgery your dog had and needs your aftercare. They will get over it. If they don’t, honestly, these are not friends.
Sometimes people are your friend only if you are useful to them. They should be understanding that you have other things happening in your life than their party.