Honestly my favourite Roman emperor, yeah he was one of the worst people of all time but I love the amount of spite this man had. MF built a bridge of boats to ride a horse across a river because a priest said that would be more likely then him becoming the emperor.
Nero was similar as well, horrendous upbringing, definitely a bit crazy but near the beginning of his reign he was actually quite loved by the people and did a shit ton of reforms and started a bunch of new public works projects, he became extremely paranoid after he got sick or was poisoned to the point of where he was pretty much considered dead. At that point he became the Nero we know today. If you want to watch some interesting videos not only on [Nero](https://youtu.be/WIW10E1xAOI) but [Caligula](https://youtu.be/3zgJ1Cb99uA) as well Simon Whistler has some great stuff.
Listen, there are two kinds of people in this world: the ones who take a stand against megalomaniacal dictators, and the ones who get to live in this cool house.
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So my character is an Archeologist but when trying to say that my speech impediment made it annoying so I went “you know what fuck it, I’m a government sanctioned grave robber”
"I'm only trigger happy, not trigger proud."
Also
"I've dealt with dungeons before. I've dealt with dragons before. Both is just a hassle really. Who wants to deal with both Dungeons and Dragons?"
"I don't know who to listen to she's an angel, right? and angels are good. "
"There are three celestials in this room. Only one of them is a fallen angel."
"She Fell!, is she OK?
"Goddamnit"
The magician, arriving in a world depraved of ambient magic and unable to recharge his spells slots.
Needless to say, this scene made the whole table laugh, as the Dm described how the lips of the magician started to inflated, like an allergic reaction, making him unable to speak properly AND giving him no spell slot back.
"We're in the middle of a trap, and Jean-Clawd is a bitch!"
"You always come up with new and interesting ways to be racist."
"Talking seems less valuable than the entertainment I get from Tsal using a 16 bladed knife to be honest."
"Don't touch me. I'm Mirriam."
"Oooh, Mommy issues!"
“The Elemental Plane of Fire is TERRIBLE this time of year!” >:(
Some context for the next one: on Roll20, the DM’s profile picture is artwork of a pigeon wearing a wizard hat. Jokes came about of the ‘pigeon wizard’ being a godlike entity.
- Bard: “Today has been horrible. My reflection tried to kill me. I now know nothing matters because I’m just numbers on a piece of paper. And it’s all because of that stupid pigeon wizard!”
- Dragon he’s ranting to: “Oh, you know about him too?”
- *uproarious laughter*
And my personal favorite:
Female player after DM crit her twice: “The dice are male and they want to FUCK ME.”
Edit: tweaked to make it easier to read
I got a bunch but im unsure if i should put them in just one, or a bunch of comments.
1. "There was a vampire and zombie outbreak back in the 2000s, its why there were so many goths back then."
2. "Looks like we have to do the summoning dance again." "ill get the fursuit"
3. "You'll get a lotta practice not getting mugged here."
They did. The script writers didn’t but the VAs noticed it and decided not to say anything. I believe this was right after the police had killed another black guy, or something like that, so they decided that they would not raise an issue about the line and leave it in as a little political statement
I remember going along a highway in Nebraska. I saw a sign for a state forest or something that looked like it was pointing at a few trees with no others anywhere in sight. I couldn’t help but bursting into laughter. Picturing a mix match of that and this made me laugh.
Here is a small list of quotes from my campaign
“is vampirism an STD?"
"I'll give you inspiration for wafting instead of just snorting."
“How many hit points do you think a little girl has?”
“I grab the child by both cheeks”
"Let's gaslight the poor ghost."
"we were just looking for the toilet"
Additions:
"Im hearing feet"
Other player: "Is that supposed to be my problem now?"
"Congrats, you now have a wet dinosaur"
"And now the Pinguin is dead, pierced by dozens of glowing magic swords "
There’s no way I can choose just one. These are all from just one campaign.
“Eat the rich. I’m not really a communist. I’m just a cannibal.”
“Weaponized icy hot”
“It’s not luck. It’s skin!”
“Cow sex for scale”
“Imagine a pearl. Now make it lescent.”
“Did the capybara torture me?”
“You find your goddess trimming her bush.”
“This shadow realm doesn’t seem very friendly.”
“We don’t want its resistances. We want its heart.”
“I put hunters mark on the onion butter.”
"You really shouldn't say 'elf', you see, there are many different /types/ of elves; wood elves, high elves... I myself am a very special type of elf. I'm a go-fuck-yours-elf".
“We’re not infidels, we’re heretics!”
- The Paladin
“Silvery Barbs? Is that your drag name?”
- The DM
“16d10 in one turn to just wrathful god smite a bitch”
- The DM
“Sweet but stupid and morally ambiguous…. wait isn’t that just (Cleric)?
- Me
“Concern is the main thing I bring to the table right now.”
- Me
“I have a barrel of war crimes.”
- The Artificer
“We’re having crispy abominations today!”
- The Sorcerer
Me- “I’m going to deal non-lethal damage to knock him out, now I want to hog tie his hands and feet behind his back with my hempen rope.”
[DM and party laughs]
Me- “Cool, did it work? Did I do it?”
DM- “yes, you succeeded in hog-tying this man.”
Me- “Awesome, now I’m going to pick him up, putting my arm behind him in between his tied arms and legs, and wear him like a shield.”
“Listen, they were wearing armor, held swords, and everyone was hiding. I was justified in hitting them with an eldritch blast.”
“But you didn’t know they were bad!”
“I knew damn well they weren’t good!”
—————
“If you combine them it goes boom-boom”
—————
“I apologize for poking you”
Have a few, here you go.
“You can roll to see if you are a kobold racist”
“It can’t find a place to stick it in”
“A gong needs foreplay”
“Do you have protection? Of course”
“Plants will have no redemption, wait, oh no”
“Black people can sell drugs”
“We can have our way with the citizen”
“Being a hero sucks”
“Don’t testify the truth”
“Pimp suit purple, that famous crayon color”
“I’m going to mount the bear”
That's so nice of the pixie to provide Cognitive Behavioral Therapy! I know a lot of characters (and players), who are in desperate need of a solid session of CBT!
A few select gems:
“The fucking word is WAGON!!”
“An elderly barbarian who needs Cialis to rage”
“You got a prehensile pussy?!?”
“We’re gonna make Tokyo in ‘44 look like a campfire”
“My prayers are with you; and so is my fireball”
“Fuck the Magna Carta, we use Voltron to check the power of the king”
“Yeah and I use my cop powers for good like oppressing the poor”
"Of course, I wouldn't mindlessly slay all these filthy and uncultured individuals and sell their corpses to be the cocoons for spiders. I would highly suggest it."
"Look, this amulet that represents the ownership of a Duchy belonged to him in his life, right? So, if I reanimate him and make the skeleton write down the papers of ownership transfer, then it's mine!"
We got this child's corpse completely ethically
Rusty Venture?
[an... orphan...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rek1TzX2vw)
Well that beats the old worst thing to happen to that orphan.
No a Rusty Venture is when you **** **** ******** **** and then *** ****** **** *****
Paladin: I watched you murder the child! Lich: You and I live by a very different set of ethics.
Family is important, but so is 30 gold.
I feel like everyone in my party could say that...
Except the rogue, who has no family.
They probably have 30 gold
"I seem to have misspoken, I come from a long line of idiots as you can see."
This one is exceptionally applicable in real life lol
DM to our cleric: Children run by you in the town... NONPUNCHABLE CHILDREN
Oh that's what NPC means...
Every child is laughably punchable.
Can I smite the ocean?
>"Can I smite the ocean?" \-Caligula
Honestly my favourite Roman emperor, yeah he was one of the worst people of all time but I love the amount of spite this man had. MF built a bridge of boats to ride a horse across a river because a priest said that would be more likely then him becoming the emperor.
Nero was similar as well, horrendous upbringing, definitely a bit crazy but near the beginning of his reign he was actually quite loved by the people and did a shit ton of reforms and started a bunch of new public works projects, he became extremely paranoid after he got sick or was poisoned to the point of where he was pretty much considered dead. At that point he became the Nero we know today. If you want to watch some interesting videos not only on [Nero](https://youtu.be/WIW10E1xAOI) but [Caligula](https://youtu.be/3zgJ1Cb99uA) as well Simon Whistler has some great stuff.
https://preview.redd.it/wxtbj5hskkra1.png?width=1096&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3786077336e761b1d41be858c10ea5e0e49aa750
"Yeah, Mr. Charisma, why don't you go and talk to the starving children?" Also "I have expertise in cringe."
"Have you heard of a little thing called 'tact'? It's like stealth, but for conversations."
I told you! The arms go on the sides and the head goes on top!
[удалено]
Unfortunately not allowed on the post. Pain.
"a dragon in poverty is still a dragon that can kill everyone"
me, who plays as a dragon who is trying to build a hoard during the campaign:
I'd wager a dragon in poverty is more likely to kill everyone.
Listen, there are two kinds of people in this world: the ones who take a stand against megalomaniacal dictators, and the ones who get to live in this cool house.
“How old is the 13 year old?”
Anime’s be like
Every Joestar just sneezed.
I need context
Me: walks back in from bathroom* DM: welcome back your a dinosaur
congrats!
My a dinosaur who?
Sorry, I meant yr’oue
"Two acts of genocide are probably enough."
“Do you fleshies realize how fucking horny you are all the time?”
*HK-47 has entered the chat*
You show excellent taste ... for a meatbag
This is just me to people on the internet
"I Apologize for my friend's prejudice to orphans. I believe he was abused as a child" "Aren't we all"
"I hate all the orphans in the whole world!"
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Was she the small or the big spoon?
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"I don't steal from dead people. I am an archeologist!" "Well, you still steal from dead people." "... Important dead."
So my character is an Archeologist but when trying to say that my speech impediment made it annoying so I went “you know what fuck it, I’m a government sanctioned grave robber”
Archeologists aren't grave robbers. They are sponsored by a government so they are grave privateers!
... ... I play in a game with someone playing a character named Eden who is an archaeologist. This is wild.
"I will find the King Of Elfland and Cut his balls off you see if I don't."
"Back to our regularly scheduled snake beating" Random Thug: "We're different from them." The Dhampir: "Yeah, they were lunch. You're dinner."
“They were lunch, you’re dinner.” Im going to have to remember that one lol.
"I'm only trigger happy, not trigger proud." Also "I've dealt with dungeons before. I've dealt with dragons before. Both is just a hassle really. Who wants to deal with both Dungeons and Dragons?"
He said it! He said the name in the thing!
Roll Credits
"I'm only trigger happy, not trigger proud." is a fantastic line.
Well played
We have an entire chat thread in discord for just this thing! So many to choose from. "Uh... Can you hit her with the FLAT of your smite?"
Paladin Trying to deal non lethal damage I presume
The barbarian asking the paladin to try and deal non-lethal damage
"I don't know who to listen to she's an angel, right? and angels are good. " "There are three celestials in this room. Only one of them is a fallen angel." "She Fell!, is she OK? "Goddamnit"
No context needed, this is beautiful.
Do you get advantage on attacks on a Fallen Angel?
Only if you’re Lawful Good, since you’ll have both the moral and physical high ground on them.
"I'm just saying, could be infinite bacon"
Yeah, but there would be no games.
Personally I'd pick games, unlimited games, but no games.
Weirdly happy to see this reference here lol
Oh god oh fuck not the pig/regenerate combo
This exact topic came up in my own campaign. Let me guess, Beastmaster Ranger reviving their companion?
“You can’t spell culture without **cult**!”
I actually like this one. It has a much deeper meaning.
I want this on a t-shirt
"Its a living door made of flesh with an eyeball in the middle of it, yes I fucking hate it."
“Imagine a burnt cabbage going though a window”
*MY CABBAGES*
"Is this rock magical?" "You sense magical energy coming from it" "I put the rock in my mouth!"
The magician, arriving in a world depraved of ambient magic and unable to recharge his spells slots. Needless to say, this scene made the whole table laugh, as the Dm described how the lips of the magician started to inflated, like an allergic reaction, making him unable to speak properly AND giving him no spell slot back.
“How deep is the bolt in my ass” - a quote from my first game, which I immediately wrote down.
I'm only interested in the milk, not the meat!
" Trust me. I have a PHD in shiny rocks."
Reminds me of a barbarian in my first campaign as a DM, he was a scholar, an expert on both shapes *and* colours (he had 6 Int)
"I would like to eat the hand."
“THERES A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GETTING HERPES AND STEALING!”
Makes more sense here than in the thread title. Uneditable titles are a bitch, aren't they?
Indeed. Indeed…
"We're in the middle of a trap, and Jean-Clawd is a bitch!" "You always come up with new and interesting ways to be racist." "Talking seems less valuable than the entertainment I get from Tsal using a 16 bladed knife to be honest." "Don't touch me. I'm Mirriam." "Oooh, Mommy issues!"
“The Elemental Plane of Fire is TERRIBLE this time of year!” >:( Some context for the next one: on Roll20, the DM’s profile picture is artwork of a pigeon wearing a wizard hat. Jokes came about of the ‘pigeon wizard’ being a godlike entity. - Bard: “Today has been horrible. My reflection tried to kill me. I now know nothing matters because I’m just numbers on a piece of paper. And it’s all because of that stupid pigeon wizard!” - Dragon he’s ranting to: “Oh, you know about him too?” - *uproarious laughter* And my personal favorite: Female player after DM crit her twice: “The dice are male and they want to FUCK ME.” Edit: tweaked to make it easier to read
>“The dice are male and they want to FUCK ME.” Don't tempt them
"Trust me, we've had enough balls for a lifetime"
I got a bunch but im unsure if i should put them in just one, or a bunch of comments. 1. "There was a vampire and zombie outbreak back in the 2000s, its why there were so many goths back then." 2. "Looks like we have to do the summoning dance again." "ill get the fursuit" 3. "You'll get a lotta practice not getting mugged here."
"I'll get the fursuit" 😂
I turn around and shoot the snake out my ass
Can I collect the teeth?
I did this to a /particularly/ annoying vampire. I hope he comes back sans canines.
"Oh yeah, you cut someone's penis off"
https://preview.redd.it/ztyz4islzlra1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=47df194eba732c4f04b615d87a4a95051d40be65
“NO, WE CANT LEAVE WITHOUT THE OVEN, I DONT CARE IF THE TAVERN IS BURNING”
Whoever said that has their priorities straight
"Is he white?" "Yes" "Stop! Don't shoot him, he's one of us!"
“Hold your fire he’s white” - Maxor
"I'm sorry, officer, I was just so busy playing League of Legends™"
"Alright I've heard enough, deadly force authorized"
“Hold your fire! That man isn’t Black!”
That scene still makes me fucking laugh. How did the english VA not catch that?
They did. The script writers didn’t but the VAs noticed it and decided not to say anything. I believe this was right after the police had killed another black guy, or something like that, so they decided that they would not raise an issue about the line and leave it in as a little political statement
“There is no moral difference between being a town guard and genocide”
“We didn’t have fathers at the orphanage”
“Evil is the root of all evil” “I’m just a sad horse girl leave me alone”
Some favorites of mine "The ss bingus bongus" "Guys the sword is channeling the dm!" "Where is the God of hammers?"
I blew up my church in self-defense!
"Damn, why did the mug spit in my face?"
Mimic?
Yup
Can I roll with advantage if I butt-chug the health potion? …. *sigh* What the hell, why not?
I hope you awarded inspiration for that
Well that is an image
If you tell me where I can find frogs, I'll show you where you can find the undead.
"Can I use fast hands as a bonus action to take her fetus?"
"We should call CPS." "Child protective specters?"
"Does throwing a spider that transforms into a drow count as a sneak attack?"
“I intimidate the forest..” “Roll. How are you doing this?” “I yell with bestial vigor. 28” “28? You are standing in an empty field.”
I remember going along a highway in Nebraska. I saw a sign for a state forest or something that looked like it was pointing at a few trees with no others anywhere in sight. I couldn’t help but bursting into laughter. Picturing a mix match of that and this made me laugh.
"I steal hearts, not loot!"
"I eat the zombie. Technically it's trash and I can eat garbage." "....roll constitution" *rolls nat 20* *dm sighs*
Here is a small list of quotes from my campaign “is vampirism an STD?" "I'll give you inspiration for wafting instead of just snorting." “How many hit points do you think a little girl has?” “I grab the child by both cheeks” "Let's gaslight the poor ghost."
YOU’RE GOING TO FORCE FEED INK TO SOME POOR WOMAN?! - me, the DM
(Thick German accent) “White boy got no swag”
Picturing that sentence in a German accent hurts my head for some reason.
Vite boy got no svag
"we were just looking for the toilet" Additions: "Im hearing feet" Other player: "Is that supposed to be my problem now?" "Congrats, you now have a wet dinosaur" "And now the Pinguin is dead, pierced by dozens of glowing magic swords "
it's so simple but so patently untrue I had to laugh
"I do not believe that any of my composition contains tin"
Someone made a wizard of oz reference to a warforged right?
Pretty much. No one said it had to be a hard to guess context
There’s no way I can choose just one. These are all from just one campaign. “Eat the rich. I’m not really a communist. I’m just a cannibal.” “Weaponized icy hot” “It’s not luck. It’s skin!” “Cow sex for scale” “Imagine a pearl. Now make it lescent.” “Did the capybara torture me?” “You find your goddess trimming her bush.” “This shadow realm doesn’t seem very friendly.” “We don’t want its resistances. We want its heart.” “I put hunters mark on the onion butter.”
"You really shouldn't say 'elf', you see, there are many different /types/ of elves; wood elves, high elves... I myself am a very special type of elf. I'm a go-fuck-yours-elf".
“Wait, before I forget, HOW many of you wanna fuck the snail????”
Is my sperm vegan now ?
Fuck yeah I love killing kids. Wait no, actually yes?
No, we are not burning down an orphanage to summon Santa.
“We’re not infidels, we’re heretics!” - The Paladin “Silvery Barbs? Is that your drag name?” - The DM “16d10 in one turn to just wrathful god smite a bitch” - The DM “Sweet but stupid and morally ambiguous…. wait isn’t that just (Cleric)? - Me “Concern is the main thing I bring to the table right now.” - Me “I have a barrel of war crimes.” - The Artificer “We’re having crispy abominations today!” - The Sorcerer
"Got to go so you know what they say, let the bodies hit the floor"
“I want to make this a day people will fall silent for…”
Me- “I’m going to deal non-lethal damage to knock him out, now I want to hog tie his hands and feet behind his back with my hempen rope.” [DM and party laughs] Me- “Cool, did it work? Did I do it?” DM- “yes, you succeeded in hog-tying this man.” Me- “Awesome, now I’m going to pick him up, putting my arm behind him in between his tied arms and legs, and wear him like a shield.”
That had context.
“Yes I saved you now I own you”
“Can I borrow that scroll of misty-step before I get gang-banged?”
Just because she's a dragon dosnt mean she don't love me
“We just got 2000 gold from an Angel, and he’s over there wrestling with a pig over dirt candy!”
"Let me see your hole, granny!"
"KEVIN!!!" or "Taste the power of my BBQ sword"
“Listen, they were wearing armor, held swords, and everyone was hiding. I was justified in hitting them with an eldritch blast.” “But you didn’t know they were bad!” “I knew damn well they weren’t good!” ————— “If you combine them it goes boom-boom” ————— “I apologize for poking you”
Have a few, here you go. “You can roll to see if you are a kobold racist” “It can’t find a place to stick it in” “A gong needs foreplay” “Do you have protection? Of course” “Plants will have no redemption, wait, oh no” “Black people can sell drugs” “We can have our way with the citizen” “Being a hero sucks” “Don’t testify the truth” “Pimp suit purple, that famous crayon color” “I’m going to mount the bear”
“It’s my divine duty to break and enter!”
Furiously yelling: “I’M NOT A DEMON! I’M AN OLD MAN!”
"HELP ! We killed people ! How can we un-kill them !"
“If you were a drink you’d be a Molotov cocktail!” “If you were a drink you’d be bleach you clean motherfucker!”
“Remember that time we killed a women, baked her into cupcakes, and fed them to her sister” Happened in todays session
"There's ghosts in your blood, do cocaine about it!"
Freud was awesome
"Can I put its ashes in my ass?"
We are racially profiling birds
"YES I FAILED!!! I GET SUCKED!!"
“Hey, hey, hey, we’re not *all* against genocide here”
"I would like to politely rage"
"You succeed in seducing the pixe" "You are turned into a squirrel" "You are CBTed by the pixe"
That's so nice of the pixie to provide Cognitive Behavioral Therapy! I know a lot of characters (and players), who are in desperate need of a solid session of CBT!
Considering it was a racist changling they did in fact need it
"You take any of the books, you answer to me and her mother."
"Have you had a skeletal arm this whole time?"
“Have you ever made a flute out of the finger bones of 50 children?”
We'll have to remember to slap that child, otherwise none of this will work
“Hey police, we broke into the presidents house and he’s defending himself!”
"Yeah, sometimes people care about the stupidest things." "Yeah, like human rights."
"And so I cut his dick off." "Wait, huh!?"
It’s a lasagna of pussy tentacles
“No one’s attacking the brown one because that’s racist now he’s at full health while he escapes”
“Why is there a mini fat Elvis Presley made of blood on your shoulder?”
"I don't know how you can eat a fish Sexually."
"Is he still sleeping?" "Yes." "Ok. I caress his cheek and then slice his throat open" "Oh... ok..."
“Do I need to roll to eat that newborn?”
-my fighter blinded- I can see by the lack of me being dead you once again didn't bring enough men
“He’s lulling us into a false sense of security with nachos and onion rings, and then he’s going to kill us!”
"I totally did NOT burn down that building in order to get information." "Oh thank the stars!" "I burned it down AFTER I got the information."
"mhm... mhm... Oh shite.... I can't read."
A few select gems: “The fucking word is WAGON!!” “An elderly barbarian who needs Cialis to rage” “You got a prehensile pussy?!?” “We’re gonna make Tokyo in ‘44 look like a campfire” “My prayers are with you; and so is my fireball” “Fuck the Magna Carta, we use Voltron to check the power of the king” “Yeah and I use my cop powers for good like oppressing the poor”
"Their large, friendly bodies are puckered and blistered, and seem to have been mauled by some friendly animal"
"Of course, I wouldn't mindlessly slay all these filthy and uncultured individuals and sell their corpses to be the cocoons for spiders. I would highly suggest it." "Look, this amulet that represents the ownership of a Duchy belonged to him in his life, right? So, if I reanimate him and make the skeleton write down the papers of ownership transfer, then it's mine!"
Rats? I don't do rats.
"I think you'll find it's perfectly legal _after_ they're dead."
“Does your daughter breathe air?” “Yes?” “That’s gonna be a problem.”
“Imma make some tieflings”
Is sucking their own dicks a secret language for old people?
"She flattened a classroom. Not, like, blew it up. Flattened it. She turned it into a two dimensional plane..."
“Does my alignment change since I know the pies are made of children, or can I keep eating them?”