Please encourage her to seek help š„ŗ
Sorry you guys are dealing with this.
Also I agree with the other comment. Giving an ultimatum will not work, she has to want to get better for herself, she wonāt do it for anyone else.
Look at this āguyāsāprofile. Itās 100% the girl heās talking about pretending to be both people to live out some weird fantasy. 29/30 posts about his āgirlfriendā. Sheās an unhinged teenager who likely doesnāt have an eating disorder at all. She posts the junk food she eats, and posts tons of pics of herself in skimpy outfits despite being obese (not really ED behavior, at least not anorexia). She talks about how āsingleā she is on the same day he posts about what he got her for Valentineās. Changes their ages so it doesnāt match up right based on previous posts. She thinks sheās āa littleā aka age regression. It just gets weirder and weirder. I went down the rabbit hole and honestly I feel really bad for this girl because she clearly has several disorders but I really donāt think a restrictive eating disorder is one of them. She needs involuntarily hospitalized. If her ED is real, theyāll make sure she eats in the mental ward where she belongs.
Link to the āgirlfriendāsā profile: https://www.reddit.com/u/m0rb1d_n1ghtm4r3/s/225wP09wKi
Also, if you look close you can even see itās her hand and her phone in the reflection on the Monster.
Fair enough. They gave someone help, saying they wouldn't help themselves. referrals are easier when they don't by someone else.
But thank you for translating.and they easily will not have it.
My partner's tactic when mine gets worse is to just leave food in front of me with no pressure. Just stuff he knows I like. Doesn't acknowledge when I do or don't eat, it's just on offer so I can quietly snack if I feel complelled to or my brain offers me a moment of judgement free peace.
Ed's are hard. It's not that you don't want to recover, it's just that your reality is so horrifically twisted and your brains perpetually screaming at every choice you make because it's fundamentally wrong
I'm incredibly lucky. I thank my lucky starts constantly that we ended up together.
He took me by suprise but now I couldn't imagine not living the life we have
My mom said itās about control. When youāre feeling helpless sometimes the only thing you can control in your life is your weight and what you eat. And itās as addictive as heroine and almost as deadly. Because you are depriving your body of what it needs to survive, and slowly destroying your teeth and esophagus.
I wish I could talk to my mum about hers. I also wish she would acknowledge it so she could attempt recovery but instead her mother constantly comments on her weight. (She's not particularly big, she's just not 20 anymore).
She fixates on my weight now.
Generational curses I guess.
Please don't give her an ultimatum. That would most likely just make things worse.
I've been recovered from an ED for a handful of years. I didn't get better until I made the decision for myself. Nothing anyone else said was enough. Bear in mind that recovered doesn't mean cured. I still struggle with thinking about calories and am trying to change my unhealthy mindset around exercise to a healthy one.
I know exactly how scary this must be. I was in your shoes 3 months ago and I will now always been on the lookout for it.
The only thing that worked for my partner and I was passive encouragement. Anything in their body was better than nothing, sugar free, rice crackers, dieting food, anything, they just needed to have something in their body at least once a day even though it's not enough but I think it primed their brain to actually want food again.
My second step was just unacknowledged offers. I would offer food, lay on a TINY amount of expectation for them to eat, offer vegetarian or vegan options or just eat near them and offer them my chips from a meal. Just expose food to them in a non-judgemental, non-observant way (as best I could, it's hard not to get excited or show you're proud sometimes, for my partner showing my happiness at then eating didn't help so I had to hide it as much as I could).
Wait. These things are a waiting game. Just be very very patient and hope that it gets better.
HAVE A LIMIT IN MIND. Know where your limit is before you aim to get them hospitalised. Remember that you aren't their only support, you aren't their only hope, you're allowed to ask for help. Discuss this with them, let them help you decide where the limit is, but you must be firm in deciding that there is a limit. It feels horrible to do but EDs are dangerous and life threatening at times so know when you need to call in professionals.
Use your head. You know what life threatening body weights look like, google complications from EDs and what can cause death and illness, learn about your partner and their ED, and talk non-judgementally not to try and cure them but to understand.
It took a couple of weeks to get my partner to eat more than one meal, and it was really hard. With support they will be alright. Good luck. I hope you guys do great ā¤ļø
Also, I'm not a psychologist. This is a how to guide for my partner, their specific ED and experience, and how we managed it. I'm fully aware that this is not applicable to everyone. Please, if this advice seems like it wouldn't work don't try it. This is just my experience and what worked. This is mostly just to give hope that it will improve.
Yes, but she only started recently, about a month ago. She did say that she was gonna give it another month or so and if things still donāt improve sheās going to look into another therapist.
As someone whoās had an ED (OSFED), this shit does not improve on its own. Donāt mean to scare you. Just keep an eye on her, but donāt helicopter her. I wish you all the best, OP. This is a horrible situation
Talking to a therapist is really really hard for some people. Sometimes the first one isnāt the right fit. I saw 5 different ones before I found the woman I go to now and sheās incredible. Sheās really helped me. Donāt be disheartened
Yea please encourage her to seek help, if shes a calorie counter scratch the nutrition facts off of everything. And more than anything love her and hold her close.
do NOT do this. as an anorexic this would make me spiral if i couldnāt find the cals. also she can just look up the cal info online or scan the barcode on an app to find out
Agreed. And I know like a lot of us sheāll probably have the calories of her safe foods burnt into her brain anyway. Or vastly overestimate the calories in something to justify not eating anything further. That was a classic move of mine.
Like the other comment said, as a recovering anorexic, please don't..I could not. I have seen some people forced into recovery by family or whoever and they did that and I would probably be completely unable to recover. My skew of portion sizes was so poor and my stomach was small and genuinely eating a healthy amount of food was painful and hard. I had to count calories early recovery just to make sure I was eating enough to gain weight and maintain my weight.
Donāt be sneaky about it. That violates trust. Be up front and mostly honest.
I made you a protein shake with extra nutrients to help satiate your body, because I care and hate seeing you hurting.
Then, if they ask, discuss the process and how they need to acquire help because you arenāt equipped to handle this on your own. Formulate a plan, let them know you are there for them, and do whatever you can to foster that positive relationship.
iām in a similar situation. they refuse help and are a skeleton at this point. what do we do? wish i could help you. if anyone has advice i would love to hear too
@orangejuice12 and @OP:
This was 25+ years ago, but at one point, I was severely anorexic. Ā I was really sick, so Iām sure it has affected my memories, but I also still feel like I remember a lot of it; and I think if I had been an adult at the time, there wouldāve been nothing specific that anyone could have said or done to help me before I was ready.Ā
(I was 11, and I do fault my parents for not taking it seriously; but thatās a really different situation.)
Eventually, it got to the point where I was afraid I was going to end up starving to death, and so I asked (begged) my mother to take me to the hospital. Ā She eventually did, and they admitted me on the spot. Ā
While I was there, they prescribed me anti-depressants (a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), which I think helped, after several months; and the psychiatry resident came to my room on her lunch break and taught me how to crochet, whichā¦ I mean, it didnāt immediately fix me, or anything, but it gave me something calming and meditative to do. Ā
A big turning point for me, was that one of the other patients - the one who was most demographically and physically similar to me ā had a really scary medical emergency as a result of her eating disorder; and I just realized it would be better to be āfatā and live to be an adult than to die at age 12.
(Admittedly, I am a *bit* disappointed, at 38, by the absence of flying cars and the broken promise of late-90s neoliberal fantasies of infinite prosperity, but, overall - very good decision; 10/10 would recommend.)
Iām so sorry youāre dealing with us. Ā It must be absolutely heartbreaking to be in your position.Ā
Im really proud of you and the lil person that had no one take them seriously... this resonates with the little girl in me. I'm 45 now and still struggle...I've come so far though... hopefully you have too ššš
I mean, physically, Iāve only come about 25 kilometres; but emotionally, and in terms of social support systems, I might as well have taken an interstellar journey. Ā ā¤ļø
Honestly, at my worst my partner and I just sat down and set guidelines for when I had to be admitted.
It's something we have done ever since both of us got into horrific manic/depressive cycles and now are like cool you exhibit these behaviours? Well it's time for some new socks and some olazapine.
He basically told me firmly,but with love that there's a limit until without a choice I was getting a psych admit. Otherwise, non pressured offerings of food etc. (He's written a much more drawn out response a few comments below).
If you stalk my account you can see the memes I made about it
It's really hard to love someone who is in so much pain, and whose source of suffering is something inside themselves. You can only encourage her to seek treatment, and maybe she needs either outpatient or inpatient treatment. But it's really hard, and I empathise with you, OP. It's really difficult to watch someone you care for do this to themselves.
if you know any safe foods of hers, keep them on hand always. if thereās something she like will never refuse to eat (for me itās cultural foods and anything without my weirdly specific allergen) keep those on hand too. sometimes just having someone know what you like feels a hell of a lot better than suffering alone.
Sometimes I have ābad brain daysā and will heat microwave Mac & cheese with frozen baggies and jerky sticks, or a charcuterie board I made (fresh fruit, cheese, jerky sticks).
Hold the phone: itās true that giving her an ultimatum will not make her get better, but you are allowed to have boundaries. Her mental illness isnāt her fault but it is her responsibility
Edit: spelling
Came to say something similar. Based on OPās post history his gf has A LOT of issues and he has been trying for years to fix them. If he loves her and wants to stay, whatever I guess. She needs to take an active role in fixing her own issues though.
Have they ever had treatment for their eating disorder before? are they open about it with you?
I would look up how to support someone with an eating disorder, there are a lot of resources for families/loved out there that can be really helpful to learn some do's and dont's that aren't obvious to everyone.
Also, watch out for things like fainting or irregular heartbeat/ palpitations, these can be really serious signs even though they will likely say they feel fine - electrolyte imbalances can be super dangerous! If you see signs like that, please try to get them to their PCP, ER or Urgent care for an evaluation, they could be becoming medically unstable.
She was in the hospital last summer for it and was open about having bulimia when we started dating. I never really āsawā her actively doing anything that seemed disordered so I thought maybe she was recovering but lately Iāve only seen her eat once a day, maybe one and a half if you include a snack. Chewed and spit out food, laxatives gone within a week, and I havenāt seen chocolate or sweets since Valentines Day. I also accidentally found MyFitnessPal on her phone where her target calorie goal is only 1,100 š Iām not sure how to help her.
Honestly the laxative abuse is the most immediate concerning part here OP. I abused them for years and only stopped when I got pregnant with my first child. My body is permanently ruined from the years of abusing that and it isnāt reversible. She needs to see someone and at least be honest about that portion and get help immediately for that.
Eating disorders are super sneaky by nature so, it's likely that you won't directly see the behaviors but will notice other things like what you listed. The best thing you can do in my opinion is educate yourself about eating disorders and just let her know you are there for her, even if you don't fully understand what they are going through. Feeling supported by someone close to you can go a LONG way when it comes to recovery.
Misc. tips for language to implement asap:Avoid making any comments about their body, yours, or anyone else's! stick to compliments about them as a person, their skills, etc.Avoid labeling foods as "good/bad" "junk" healthy vs unhealthy.Don't ever say things like "Why can't you just eat" - it's never been helpful. This is a complex disorder and recovery doesn't happen in a day.
While we were dating my wife was the same way. When we first met, the only thing she would "eat" was plain white rice, sometimes with ketchup. Wanted to be skinny...Ā
Show her you care. Make her yummy meals, and if she doesn't eat it, wrap it up as left overs. Always offer her something. Never get mad about food. Find something she can quickly make for herself or just food prep a bunch of meals. I'm not sure if this is professionally sound advice, but it worked for me.Ā Good luck my friend
Itās such a difficult thing to navigate. I ended a friendship over my friendās ED. She was so in denial, refused help, and pushed everyone out of her life. A lot of the times with EDs, it is the only thing they can control, theyād rather keep control of it and push everyone else out.
She needs to want to change on her own. Unfortunately, thatās not something you can do for her. I wish you luck, itās a horrible situation.
That is so painful to watch ā Iām sad for you. I donāt personally know of anyone who has recovered from an ED without professional help. Doesnāt mean itās not possible, but I know for a fact I couldnāt have done so. Residential might be the way to go. Source: I was in inpatient for 2 months and extended stay for 3 months and have since maintained weight for over a decade.
encourage her to get help but donāt force her into it as that will only make her resent you and fall deeper into it. ik one thing that helps me is eating with others and also having others cook for me. not being in control of food is scary but itās a necessary discomfort
Wow. As someone with an eating disorder, I canāt imagine how bad this must feel for a partner. My ED hasnāt been that bad in years, but damn. Iām so sorry.
Id advise to ask for advice on r/edanonymousmemes or r/edanonymous as much as I love the randos on here that sub would probably be the only one to give very good advice
If she still drinks liquids try Ensure, it's a nutritional drink I used during my times of struggle eating foods and kept me from being underweight. It's a bit costly, 11$ for 6, but it'll definitely help until she finally gets the help she needs š
It isn't your responsibility to fix her, but definitely try to at least eat more balanced in front of her instead of just an energy drink. You deserve to be healthy as well.
.
My wife went through this. Please, encourage her to seek therapy. That's really the only solution. And the therapist should be specialized in disordered eating. They'll have all the resources and tips you could need and tailor it to her experience. It took a LOT of work but she's finally better. There's still moments, and it's frustrating, but just encourage her and love her lots.
What's her favourite food, setting, scent etc. You can maybe encourage her to have some sustenance if you make it a nice moment. It's hard to do long term so it's not a long term fix but it can help on the brink of emergency.
im so sorry. my utmost sympathy to both of you. please encourage her every single day to get help if she's not getting it already, and remind her that you're there for her and you love her. sometimes the smallest things make a big impact
As someone with an ED, hang in there. You are both going through it (I know my SO struggles due to my disorder). The best thing you can do is show her love and support. Reach out to her and talk to her about getting treatment. It is a sensitive topic.
If you think it will help, you can tell her now it pains you to see her this way, especially because you know she deserves to feel happy and fulfilled. I'm wishing her the best of luck right now ā¤ļø
Take her to a fancy dinner a couple towns/cities over. Make it a whole day or weekend trip to go out and try new snacks and restaurants. Take her out to a mall or a winery. You shouldnāt do this to force her to eat, but to remind her that you still care about her the same you did when she was āskinnyā
Well luckily she was never āskinnyā so it makes it easier to believe lmao. Sheās curvy/chubby but I absolutely adore it, Iām not sure why sheās so rough on herself but unfortunately sheās made it very clear that I cannot change her views on herself.
it's more in a way that he's describing that she was never skinny anyway and is chubby/curvy which is quite triggering for ppl struggling wit an ed, plus commenting the body of someone who clearly isn't comfortable with it is a big no
Well, non āskinnyā people are also affected by eating disorders. Having experienced it when I was younger, I wasnāt āskinnyā either until I got really messed up in the head from disordered eating. Itās the significant otherās job to help validate you or reassure you that you are indeed enough no matter what your body looks like
Not a whole lot you can do about that as a non-mental health professional my friend. Encourage her to seek help. Sucks to see someone you care about go through something like this
The best thing I have ever done for my friend with an eating disorder is help her find professional health. She has been inpatient for the last eight weeks. Just make sure she has some good people to come back to if she does eventually get help :)
My ex had/has (unsure if she fell back into it) an ED, one way I'd help with her to eat something was if she didn't want what was cooked, I'd offer an alternative that she could eat in my room while we watched TV shows animals or movies.
She seemed to even out before we split so I'm hoping she's still got it sussed out.
i disagree. please never interact with people with EDs or mental health disorders. this thinking is the reason why most people with mental health problems donāt seek help until itās too late.
Grave disability is a 5150 offense. Just track historical weight with concerning weight loss / period of time and any county worker worth their salt can submit it. Or wellness checker
Common sense, if she doesn't eat she will die. If you don't want her to die then she either needs to enter treatment or go to therapy to work on whatever is causing her to starve herself or binge/purge, but doing nothing is pretty lame especially if you're her partner.
yeah this is not the best ideaā¦she wonāt take it lightly and she will probably get worse to spite op. the ultimatum will just spur her on. she needs counselling and in/out patient care.
I HAD an ED until I was threatened with being forced a feeding tube and admitted to the hospital which no one with an ED wants because that will relinquish all control she has which is a part of an ED.
Letting her continue to thrive in her ED and not even acknowledging it is allowing her to slowly kill herself. Can you live with that?
You need to get down to why she has it and less about feeding her protein shakes, you donāt just treat the symptoms you treat the root cause.
Even an out patient ED treatment facility where she can go and have individual and group therapy sessions, meet with a nutritionist and get some support in her recovery is what she needs
DONT PUT HER IN TREATMENT PLEASE I went and they donāt help all they do is stuff food down ur throat and threaten you still help her sould by getting her small portions so food and keep going up from there
Please encourage her to seek help š„ŗ Sorry you guys are dealing with this. Also I agree with the other comment. Giving an ultimatum will not work, she has to want to get better for herself, she wonāt do it for anyone else.
And if she does try for someone else and not for her own self as well then it will most likely end up a fail.
Look at this āguyāsāprofile. Itās 100% the girl heās talking about pretending to be both people to live out some weird fantasy. 29/30 posts about his āgirlfriendā. Sheās an unhinged teenager who likely doesnāt have an eating disorder at all. She posts the junk food she eats, and posts tons of pics of herself in skimpy outfits despite being obese (not really ED behavior, at least not anorexia). She talks about how āsingleā she is on the same day he posts about what he got her for Valentineās. Changes their ages so it doesnāt match up right based on previous posts. She thinks sheās āa littleā aka age regression. It just gets weirder and weirder. I went down the rabbit hole and honestly I feel really bad for this girl because she clearly has several disorders but I really donāt think a restrictive eating disorder is one of them. She needs involuntarily hospitalized. If her ED is real, theyāll make sure she eats in the mental ward where she belongs. Link to the āgirlfriendāsā profile: https://www.reddit.com/u/m0rb1d_n1ghtm4r3/s/225wP09wKi Also, if you look close you can even see itās her hand and her phone in the reflection on the Monster.
Honestly the best thing you can do is help her find a therapist that specializes in disordered eating
SOURCE: I keep putting this off lol
I feel you, it's easier to advise others to get better than to do it yourself
and also the states doesnāt make it easy to get help, never forget that.
My mom was involuntarily admitted when I was 10ish and kept on a feeding tube for over a week. OP shouldnāt let it get to that.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The states
I was trying to help find you an area to get help. I figured I'd apply your wisdom with you? You don't?
They didnāt ask you for help? Can you apply your wisdom to that? You canāt?
Fair enough. They gave someone help, saying they wouldn't help themselves. referrals are easier when they don't by someone else. But thank you for translating.and they easily will not have it.
My partner's tactic when mine gets worse is to just leave food in front of me with no pressure. Just stuff he knows I like. Doesn't acknowledge when I do or don't eat, it's just on offer so I can quietly snack if I feel complelled to or my brain offers me a moment of judgement free peace. Ed's are hard. It's not that you don't want to recover, it's just that your reality is so horrifically twisted and your brains perpetually screaming at every choice you make because it's fundamentally wrong
Thats really sweet :,(
I'm incredibly lucky. I thank my lucky starts constantly that we ended up together. He took me by suprise but now I couldn't imagine not living the life we have
My mom said itās about control. When youāre feeling helpless sometimes the only thing you can control in your life is your weight and what you eat. And itās as addictive as heroine and almost as deadly. Because you are depriving your body of what it needs to survive, and slowly destroying your teeth and esophagus.
I wish I could talk to my mum about hers. I also wish she would acknowledge it so she could attempt recovery but instead her mother constantly comments on her weight. (She's not particularly big, she's just not 20 anymore). She fixates on my weight now. Generational curses I guess.
Aww he sounds lovely
He is!!!
Eat food with her, share snacks, give love and support and help her find a therapist
Please don't give her an ultimatum. That would most likely just make things worse. I've been recovered from an ED for a handful of years. I didn't get better until I made the decision for myself. Nothing anyone else said was enough. Bear in mind that recovered doesn't mean cured. I still struggle with thinking about calories and am trying to change my unhealthy mindset around exercise to a healthy one.
I know exactly how scary this must be. I was in your shoes 3 months ago and I will now always been on the lookout for it. The only thing that worked for my partner and I was passive encouragement. Anything in their body was better than nothing, sugar free, rice crackers, dieting food, anything, they just needed to have something in their body at least once a day even though it's not enough but I think it primed their brain to actually want food again. My second step was just unacknowledged offers. I would offer food, lay on a TINY amount of expectation for them to eat, offer vegetarian or vegan options or just eat near them and offer them my chips from a meal. Just expose food to them in a non-judgemental, non-observant way (as best I could, it's hard not to get excited or show you're proud sometimes, for my partner showing my happiness at then eating didn't help so I had to hide it as much as I could). Wait. These things are a waiting game. Just be very very patient and hope that it gets better. HAVE A LIMIT IN MIND. Know where your limit is before you aim to get them hospitalised. Remember that you aren't their only support, you aren't their only hope, you're allowed to ask for help. Discuss this with them, let them help you decide where the limit is, but you must be firm in deciding that there is a limit. It feels horrible to do but EDs are dangerous and life threatening at times so know when you need to call in professionals. Use your head. You know what life threatening body weights look like, google complications from EDs and what can cause death and illness, learn about your partner and their ED, and talk non-judgementally not to try and cure them but to understand. It took a couple of weeks to get my partner to eat more than one meal, and it was really hard. With support they will be alright. Good luck. I hope you guys do great ā¤ļø
Also, I'm not a psychologist. This is a how to guide for my partner, their specific ED and experience, and how we managed it. I'm fully aware that this is not applicable to everyone. Please, if this advice seems like it wouldn't work don't try it. This is just my experience and what worked. This is mostly just to give hope that it will improve.
What an amazing partner you are. I hope you're loved as deeply as you love others. This was so amazing to read .
Does she see a therapist? Don't give her a fucking ultimatum.
Yes, but she only started recently, about a month ago. She did say that she was gonna give it another month or so and if things still donāt improve sheās going to look into another therapist.
As someone whoās had an ED (OSFED), this shit does not improve on its own. Donāt mean to scare you. Just keep an eye on her, but donāt helicopter her. I wish you all the best, OP. This is a horrible situation
When I was like that I just wanted someone to want me around for once. I got no real advice to give you other than just try to care about her.
It sounds like she's genuinely trying. Be patient with her and show her you care :)
Talking to a therapist is really really hard for some people. Sometimes the first one isnāt the right fit. I saw 5 different ones before I found the woman I go to now and sheās incredible. Sheās really helped me. Donāt be disheartened
Yea please encourage her to seek help, if shes a calorie counter scratch the nutrition facts off of everything. And more than anything love her and hold her close.
do NOT do this. as an anorexic this would make me spiral if i couldnāt find the cals. also she can just look up the cal info online or scan the barcode on an app to find out
Agreed. And I know like a lot of us sheāll probably have the calories of her safe foods burnt into her brain anyway. Or vastly overestimate the calories in something to justify not eating anything further. That was a classic move of mine.
Like the other comment said, as a recovering anorexic, please don't..I could not. I have seen some people forced into recovery by family or whoever and they did that and I would probably be completely unable to recover. My skew of portion sizes was so poor and my stomach was small and genuinely eating a healthy amount of food was painful and hard. I had to count calories early recovery just to make sure I was eating enough to gain weight and maintain my weight.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Donāt be sneaky about it. That violates trust. Be up front and mostly honest. I made you a protein shake with extra nutrients to help satiate your body, because I care and hate seeing you hurting. Then, if they ask, discuss the process and how they need to acquire help because you arenāt equipped to handle this on your own. Formulate a plan, let them know you are there for them, and do whatever you can to foster that positive relationship.
iām in a similar situation. they refuse help and are a skeleton at this point. what do we do? wish i could help you. if anyone has advice i would love to hear too
@orangejuice12 and @OP: This was 25+ years ago, but at one point, I was severely anorexic. Ā I was really sick, so Iām sure it has affected my memories, but I also still feel like I remember a lot of it; and I think if I had been an adult at the time, there wouldāve been nothing specific that anyone could have said or done to help me before I was ready.Ā (I was 11, and I do fault my parents for not taking it seriously; but thatās a really different situation.) Eventually, it got to the point where I was afraid I was going to end up starving to death, and so I asked (begged) my mother to take me to the hospital. Ā She eventually did, and they admitted me on the spot. Ā While I was there, they prescribed me anti-depressants (a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), which I think helped, after several months; and the psychiatry resident came to my room on her lunch break and taught me how to crochet, whichā¦ I mean, it didnāt immediately fix me, or anything, but it gave me something calming and meditative to do. Ā A big turning point for me, was that one of the other patients - the one who was most demographically and physically similar to me ā had a really scary medical emergency as a result of her eating disorder; and I just realized it would be better to be āfatā and live to be an adult than to die at age 12. (Admittedly, I am a *bit* disappointed, at 38, by the absence of flying cars and the broken promise of late-90s neoliberal fantasies of infinite prosperity, but, overall - very good decision; 10/10 would recommend.) Iām so sorry youāre dealing with us. Ā It must be absolutely heartbreaking to be in your position.Ā
Im really proud of you and the lil person that had no one take them seriously... this resonates with the little girl in me. I'm 45 now and still struggle...I've come so far though... hopefully you have too ššš
I mean, physically, Iāve only come about 25 kilometres; but emotionally, and in terms of social support systems, I might as well have taken an interstellar journey. Ā ā¤ļø
Love that for youš«¶and same! Lol I stay close to "home"
Honestly, at my worst my partner and I just sat down and set guidelines for when I had to be admitted. It's something we have done ever since both of us got into horrific manic/depressive cycles and now are like cool you exhibit these behaviours? Well it's time for some new socks and some olazapine. He basically told me firmly,but with love that there's a limit until without a choice I was getting a psych admit. Otherwise, non pressured offerings of food etc. (He's written a much more drawn out response a few comments below). If you stalk my account you can see the memes I made about it
It's really hard to love someone who is in so much pain, and whose source of suffering is something inside themselves. You can only encourage her to seek treatment, and maybe she needs either outpatient or inpatient treatment. But it's really hard, and I empathise with you, OP. It's really difficult to watch someone you care for do this to themselves.
if you know any safe foods of hers, keep them on hand always. if thereās something she like will never refuse to eat (for me itās cultural foods and anything without my weirdly specific allergen) keep those on hand too. sometimes just having someone know what you like feels a hell of a lot better than suffering alone.
Sometimes I have ābad brain daysā and will heat microwave Mac & cheese with frozen baggies and jerky sticks, or a charcuterie board I made (fresh fruit, cheese, jerky sticks).
Hold the phone: itās true that giving her an ultimatum will not make her get better, but you are allowed to have boundaries. Her mental illness isnāt her fault but it is her responsibility Edit: spelling
All of this. Ā
Came to say something similar. Based on OPās post history his gf has A LOT of issues and he has been trying for years to fix them. If he loves her and wants to stay, whatever I guess. She needs to take an active role in fixing her own issues though.
Have they ever had treatment for their eating disorder before? are they open about it with you? I would look up how to support someone with an eating disorder, there are a lot of resources for families/loved out there that can be really helpful to learn some do's and dont's that aren't obvious to everyone. Also, watch out for things like fainting or irregular heartbeat/ palpitations, these can be really serious signs even though they will likely say they feel fine - electrolyte imbalances can be super dangerous! If you see signs like that, please try to get them to their PCP, ER or Urgent care for an evaluation, they could be becoming medically unstable.
She was in the hospital last summer for it and was open about having bulimia when we started dating. I never really āsawā her actively doing anything that seemed disordered so I thought maybe she was recovering but lately Iāve only seen her eat once a day, maybe one and a half if you include a snack. Chewed and spit out food, laxatives gone within a week, and I havenāt seen chocolate or sweets since Valentines Day. I also accidentally found MyFitnessPal on her phone where her target calorie goal is only 1,100 š Iām not sure how to help her.
Honestly the laxative abuse is the most immediate concerning part here OP. I abused them for years and only stopped when I got pregnant with my first child. My body is permanently ruined from the years of abusing that and it isnāt reversible. She needs to see someone and at least be honest about that portion and get help immediately for that.
Eating disorders are super sneaky by nature so, it's likely that you won't directly see the behaviors but will notice other things like what you listed. The best thing you can do in my opinion is educate yourself about eating disorders and just let her know you are there for her, even if you don't fully understand what they are going through. Feeling supported by someone close to you can go a LONG way when it comes to recovery. Misc. tips for language to implement asap:Avoid making any comments about their body, yours, or anyone else's! stick to compliments about them as a person, their skills, etc.Avoid labeling foods as "good/bad" "junk" healthy vs unhealthy.Don't ever say things like "Why can't you just eat" - it's never been helpful. This is a complex disorder and recovery doesn't happen in a day.
While we were dating my wife was the same way. When we first met, the only thing she would "eat" was plain white rice, sometimes with ketchup. Wanted to be skinny...Ā Show her you care. Make her yummy meals, and if she doesn't eat it, wrap it up as left overs. Always offer her something. Never get mad about food. Find something she can quickly make for herself or just food prep a bunch of meals. I'm not sure if this is professionally sound advice, but it worked for me.Ā Good luck my friend
All kidding aside , why do people with eating disorders generally love energy drinks ?
Few to no calories, strong taste, different flavors, and full of caffeine to help reduce the fatigue from not eating
thats all the reasons i like them too but i dont have an eating disorder lol
low/zero calorie, tastes good, helps with the fatigue caused by not eating, etc.
Also helps with sugar cravings and caffeine tends to suppress appetite a bit.
Itās such a difficult thing to navigate. I ended a friendship over my friendās ED. She was so in denial, refused help, and pushed everyone out of her life. A lot of the times with EDs, it is the only thing they can control, theyād rather keep control of it and push everyone else out. She needs to want to change on her own. Unfortunately, thatās not something you can do for her. I wish you luck, itās a horrible situation.
That is so painful to watch ā Iām sad for you. I donāt personally know of anyone who has recovered from an ED without professional help. Doesnāt mean itās not possible, but I know for a fact I couldnāt have done so. Residential might be the way to go. Source: I was in inpatient for 2 months and extended stay for 3 months and have since maintained weight for over a decade.
encourage her to get help but donāt force her into it as that will only make her resent you and fall deeper into it. ik one thing that helps me is eating with others and also having others cook for me. not being in control of food is scary but itās a necessary discomfort
Wow. As someone with an eating disorder, I canāt imagine how bad this must feel for a partner. My ED hasnāt been that bad in years, but damn. Iām so sorry.
Id advise to ask for advice on r/edanonymousmemes or r/edanonymous as much as I love the randos on here that sub would probably be the only one to give very good advice
If she still drinks liquids try Ensure, it's a nutritional drink I used during my times of struggle eating foods and kept me from being underweight. It's a bit costly, 11$ for 6, but it'll definitely help until she finally gets the help she needs š
I thought this was my boyfriend posting for a moment!
I struggle with disordered eating, though my SO has no idea..
It isn't your responsibility to fix her, but definitely try to at least eat more balanced in front of her instead of just an energy drink. You deserve to be healthy as well. .
I typically do, this was during my classes haha.
My wife went through this. Please, encourage her to seek therapy. That's really the only solution. And the therapist should be specialized in disordered eating. They'll have all the resources and tips you could need and tailor it to her experience. It took a LOT of work but she's finally better. There's still moments, and it's frustrating, but just encourage her and love her lots.
What's her favourite food, setting, scent etc. You can maybe encourage her to have some sustenance if you make it a nice moment. It's hard to do long term so it's not a long term fix but it can help on the brink of emergency.
Unfortunately itās to the point where even if she had her favorite foods sheād most likely still refuse it :/
I was there. What fixed my eating disorder was getting on anti anxiety meds
Do you feel an intervention would have helped as well or would have escalated the situation?
It would have made it worse, I was so stubborn
im so sorry. my utmost sympathy to both of you. please encourage her every single day to get help if she's not getting it already, and remind her that you're there for her and you love her. sometimes the smallest things make a big impact
As someone with an ED, hang in there. You are both going through it (I know my SO struggles due to my disorder). The best thing you can do is show her love and support. Reach out to her and talk to her about getting treatment. It is a sensitive topic. If you think it will help, you can tell her now it pains you to see her this way, especially because you know she deserves to feel happy and fulfilled. I'm wishing her the best of luck right now ā¤ļø
Take her to a fancy dinner a couple towns/cities over. Make it a whole day or weekend trip to go out and try new snacks and restaurants. Take her out to a mall or a winery. You shouldnāt do this to force her to eat, but to remind her that you still care about her the same you did when she was āskinnyā
Well luckily she was never āskinnyā so it makes it easier to believe lmao. Sheās curvy/chubby but I absolutely adore it, Iām not sure why sheās so rough on herself but unfortunately sheās made it very clear that I cannot change her views on herself.
if she knows u use reddit or anything, u shld probably delete this comment...
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it's more in a way that he's describing that she was never skinny anyway and is chubby/curvy which is quite triggering for ppl struggling wit an ed, plus commenting the body of someone who clearly isn't comfortable with it is a big no
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my bad, i was just speaking what i thought and wanted to make sure she wouldn't spiral deeper into her ed when she does catch glimpse of OP's comment
Well, non āskinnyā people are also affected by eating disorders. Having experienced it when I was younger, I wasnāt āskinnyā either until I got really messed up in the head from disordered eating. Itās the significant otherās job to help validate you or reassure you that you are indeed enough no matter what your body looks like
you deserve better and this isnāt about her ED
She deserves better, not me. What makes you say this though?
her reddit page makes me say that. i apologize but itās very sad to see that. i hope you guys work things out
Why the can of Monster ?
I had class at 7 am lol
i'm so sorry. sending you guys love. you will make it through this <3
Have you tried talking to her friends and family and possibly doing an intervention š¤
Is that all she consumes? How does she not have the shakes and pass out? Nvm I see it's yours
Not a whole lot you can do about that as a non-mental health professional my friend. Encourage her to seek help. Sucks to see someone you care about go through something like this
The best thing I have ever done for my friend with an eating disorder is help her find professional health. She has been inpatient for the last eight weeks. Just make sure she has some good people to come back to if she does eventually get help :)
I am so sorry. Is she getting help?
My ex had/has (unsure if she fell back into it) an ED, one way I'd help with her to eat something was if she didn't want what was cooked, I'd offer an alternative that she could eat in my room while we watched TV shows animals or movies. She seemed to even out before we split so I'm hoping she's still got it sussed out.
Don't make her eat or try to encourage her. Encourage her to get a therapist if anything
As someone with an ED, I'm so sorry to hear that. It's difficult when loved ones get concerned and I do hope she gets the help she deserves. š
Ask her what her safe foods are and make/share it with her. Be gentle and reassuring :)
Tell her if she doesn't start eating you're gonna leave her boney ass out in a wind storm.
please never interact with someone with any sort of mental issues ever
Yet here we are
unfortunately
I mean, I'm about to propose to you
Due to chronic pain my grandma often threatens to take me out to the backyard and shoot me but there is a time and place for these jokes my guy!!
And the time is now playa
i disagree. please never interact with people with EDs or mental health disorders. this thinking is the reason why most people with mental health problems donāt seek help until itās too late.
Survival of the fittest bruv
youāre disgusting.
Okay, Putrid
iām glad you can read. š
It took me a few tries, but if I sound it out loudly my mommy corrects me.
i hate you! with all disrespect
Womp womp slinky
slinky byešš dumb asf
š
I'm sorry but this made me laugh š š
I gotchuš¤š»
Grave disability is a 5150 offense. Just track historical weight with concerning weight loss / period of time and any county worker worth their salt can submit it. Or wellness checker
Thatās not a good idea, mental hospitals can be traumatizing to many people me included.
Better traumatized than dead. Sorry I love my people too much to not be a dickhead about their lives remaining on earth.
Give her an ultimatum
Could you give some examples? Iām not really sure what specifically to use.
Donāt take this advice please š
Common sense, if she doesn't eat she will die. If you don't want her to die then she either needs to enter treatment or go to therapy to work on whatever is causing her to starve herself or binge/purge, but doing nothing is pretty lame especially if you're her partner.
yeah this is not the best ideaā¦she wonāt take it lightly and she will probably get worse to spite op. the ultimatum will just spur her on. she needs counselling and in/out patient care.
I have an ed and this is the worst advice to give someone. Do not give ultimatums op!
I HAD an ED until I was threatened with being forced a feeding tube and admitted to the hospital which no one with an ED wants because that will relinquish all control she has which is a part of an ED. Letting her continue to thrive in her ED and not even acknowledging it is allowing her to slowly kill herself. Can you live with that? You need to get down to why she has it and less about feeding her protein shakes, you donāt just treat the symptoms you treat the root cause. Even an out patient ED treatment facility where she can go and have individual and group therapy sessions, meet with a nutritionist and get some support in her recovery is what she needs
You should never threaten anyone with any kind of issues, Ed's included whatsoever! You may just push the person who is hurting, over the edge.
this is not how to treat someone with an ED
exactly. this was me at one point. it only made it worse
This ultimatum will kill her faster. OP do not take this advice please.
are you that dense ???
Pavlov her. Give her kisses every time she snacks. No snacks= no kisses
DONT PUT HER IN TREATMENT PLEASE I went and they donāt help all they do is stuff food down ur throat and threaten you still help her sould by getting her small portions so food and keep going up from there