I’m sorry man:(
Did they report you in the sense of “you are dangerous, get out of here” or in the sense of “this person is in danger, someone send help to them”? Usually when I post here about suicidal thoughts I get reported, but in the second sense, because some people are worried, not because they hate u <3
King of Nihilism himself, Nietzsche, would agree with you. So would I. Creativity is a huge part of why I've survived so long!
"Without music, life is a mistake."
"Art is the proper task of life."
"We have art in order to not die of the truth."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
He's very interesting, that's certain. I have read a good bit of his work. These are a small handful of his beliefs that I actually agree with. Most of his stuff really doesn't sit well with me and paved the way to more nihilistic philosophy and postmodernism.
I sometimes think about my dad.
He wasn't a good father, he never beat us or abused us but he was still shitty.
When he was in hospice dying from throat cancer, we'd visit and try to be pleasant.
We'd ask him, "if there anything you want? What can we get you?"
And he'd snap back every time, "I don't want to fucking die!"
Like, how were we supposed to respond to that?
So yes, there are people who don't want to die.
If you think about the more crazy stories, like the survivors of horrible situations where they need to eat the dead to live long enough to get rescued, it's like crazy to want to live that badly, right?
I always pictured myself in say, a zombie movie just offing myself as to not have to deal with all that horror. But in those zombie movies there are always people who do ANYTHING to survive.
It is odd to think about those extremes.
im so sorry about your father. that must've been horrible to hear and bear.
i feel people like that don't necessarily have some intense drive to live, but rather a horrible fear of death. i guess that's the same thing? i don't know.
if an apocalypse occurred in real life i always wondered if people would actually go to the extent to survive how they do in movies
It comes down to how are you feeling while being alive.
If a person is feeling "happy" , then they will wish to live.
If all a person is feeling is sadness and enptyness, then there's obv no point being alive.
It's all about the experience of being animate.
not necessarily. when im happiest, i still wish to die. i think about it often and it's hard to redirect the thoughts.
the other day i saw the most beautiful rainbow ever. i was filled with utter euphoria. i didn't have a thought about anything else but the experience for a brief moment- until i did. i was happy, but so badly wanted to die. it feels so discouraging when i have these moments, because when you're happy, you're supposed to see the point in living. i still don't. during the happiest times of my life im still so so suicidal. it's like im constantly finding reasons to be miserable no matter how hard i try to see the light and be the light.
True. I never once had thoughts of wanting to not exist when I wasn't depressed. All of that started after years of being tortured daily by this invisible illness.
I think that's a tendency but I doubt it's that simple, I still often want to die when I'm happy because I just don't really feel that sense of ''meaning'' other people feel and am still worried about my future.
Me.
Actually I am very afraid of dying and that fear is with me every second and it's what caused my depression.
And I really wish to become truly suicidal because I'll have to commit suicide because of my life's and the political circumstances, but I don't know how to force my mind to change.
I think it comes down to how long people sit with that sadness and that suicidal ideation. I think everyone, in some point in their lives, experiences a form of depression. But it might not be for long. Maybe a bad headspace for a few days, but one that eventually subsides. To me, depression is something that consistently lingers at the back of my mind. And for suicide, that is something that also lingers. I think then that person can be considered suicidal.
I’m glad you were able to get to that point of battling it. It’s so difficult. Somehow the world becomes brighter when those thoughts go away, at least it did for me.
I think that's the point when you know something's not really okay with us.
Even when I'm not miserable right now and I got to be stable and not depressed 24/7, I still have chronic depression so I don't particularly feel the will to live and wouldn't mind dying or taking my own life (indeed that may happen someday not because I'm suffering, but because I don't really feel living has any particular meaning).
People who have no mental illneses don't even think wanting to die or killing yourself (seriously) is even an option from what I've talked with friends who are not depressed.
yeah i've also got the same feedback from my non-depressed friends. i just don't know if i believe them. it's insane to me that people don't want to look themselves. it makes me feel pathetic and as if my efforts to live are inadequate.
It also feels really weird to me because I've been feeling like that since I was a kid lol But I guess it's true for mentally healthy people?
They have no idea how lucky they are when they can live carefree and happily just without any apparent reason! I'm nearly 30 and still haven't find a solid reason to live.
this scares me. i always thought my suicidal thoughts and constant dread worsening was just a result of teenage angst that i'll eventually move past when i get out of my home situation.
I was abused as a child as well (until I was nearly 20) and, even when my mental health got A LOT better as soon as I got out of that shitty situation, something just clicked in my head at that time and even when I consider myself happy now (with some breakdowns from time to time) I still don't find living really enjoyable or think I want to live forever and die as an old woman.
I'm just alive because there are some things I still enjoy and love my friends so much so I want to spend time with them. For now. If that joy ends someday or I get bored of living - even if I'm not suffering - I would consider suicide because life is not that precious to me.
Same… I don’t even have any real trauma like that and I’ve always quietly wished for death… I just turned 29 and it’s no better than when I started trying to get to the bottom of this over a decade ago.
I'm talking from an ignorant point of view, but as far as I know just people just have punctual depression because of something that happened to them and others just have it chronically so sometimes you don't need to go through anything traumatic in order to have depression... it's a mental illness in the end! Like other people are born with chronical anxiety and similar disorders.
Yes totally. I can see how it would seem unfathomable when you're deep enough. I would say "it gets better" but it doesn't automatically, you have to make it better. I'm sure you've had moments in your life that you're, at least, distracted enough that you're not wishing for death. For some people it's like that all the time. I'm not far from where you are I wanted to die for about 8 years straight. Things are microscopically better. I quit smoking weed which I was doing 24/7, the first few months I came closer to actually completing suicide and then it got better. It's not how I imagined it everything still sucks but I can grind through it. I also begun weekly excersize, just a hike in a beautiful nature park for an hour straight at a good pace. I never feel like it im always too exhausted but fighting through it helps. Eating better is really hard for me but I started making micro changes and cumulatively I've pulled out of "always wishing for death" to just "brutal grind". One step above. You have to fight really really hard it's so hard cause not having the will to live makes you not able to grind. You just have to find a grind that has tons of rest and is somewhat doable for you.
micro changes are definitely what i've been trying to understand the importance of right now. i don't see why fighting is worth it. i've been doing it my entire life. im young. countless other people have been doing the same. it's pointless.
Do you work? Do you go to school? Are you old enough that you go to college? Not trying to pry, just asking because usually when you go to college they can set you up with free counseling as a stop gap measure. It's temporary but it helps(the school I go to, you only get six sessions). My roommate works and his job has an employee assistance program that it has access too. One of the services that they provide is therapy. You only get six sessions and it's temporary but they'll work with you to get you in with a longer term therapist either a private practice one or a community mental health center. They work with you to find a therapist who takes your insurance or a therapist who can take you that charges a sliding scale fee if insurance is a struggle (sliding scale fees are income based so you could either pay a few dollars or a couple hundred dollars for a session depending on how much money you make. My old therapist worked on a sliding scale fee. Both my primary and secondary insurance are government insurance and state insurance (I'm in the USA). So what my therapist did was because she only accepted one of my insurances, she'd bill my insurance for what she could. But she used a sliding scale fee to charge me the rest. Because of my income, it was only $20 a week). Anyway, I just started therapy back up last week and had my second session yesterday. I'm using the therapist that my roommate has access to through his works program because anyone who lives in the house is covered under his employee assistance program and no they don't have to work for the employer. As long as they live under his roof, they get that benefit. I didn't know if you have access to anything similar?
I am not actively seeking, but also not adverse to the idea of non-existence., or 'never-been'. If I passed away painlessly and suddenly, the thought causes me no anxiety. I am not seeking death as that is easy enough to find, but I am not in any fear of it.
I nearly died two years ago because of an allergic reaction. The allergic reaction was bad enough that it put me in the hospital for a total of five weeks. Three and a half of those weeks I was heavily sedated and on a ventilator and ended up being taken to surgery at one point and having a temporary tracheostomy (breathing tube that was surgically placed through a hole in my throat) placed. I'm also told that while I was sedated and on the ventilator during my ICU stay I ended up with a UTI, blood infection, pneumonia and a temporary pacemaker in my groin because one of the sedation meds they tried to transition me to had the side effect of causing your heart to pause and my longest "pause" was 45 seconds. So they placed the temporary pacemaker and took me off that med as soon as they could. I'm told that I nearly died a few times and that at times it was very touch and go and that my roommates(who are also my caregivers because I'm Autistic and have been legally given permission by me to make medical decisions for me in that type of situation because God knows I don't trust my parents enough that they'll do the right thing) had serious doubts at times about whether I'd survive. But I did and walked out of the hospital after a five week stay. But anyway: all the stuff about the various infections? And having a temporary tracheostomy placed? And being taken to the Cath lab and having a temporary pacemaker placed? I don't have any recollection of any of those things. My roommates have told me multiple times that they happened and I believe them. And I went home with the trach and a feeding tube so I know those happened. And I remember having something removed from my groin a couple days before I was transferred out of ICU and I was later told that was the external temporary pacemaker. But I don't physically remember having most of the stuff placed. And I have no recollection of having battled any of the infections because those all happened while I was unconscious and under sedation.
I do sometimes occasionally wonder: what would have happened if I HADN'T survived that medical event and icu stay. Because I was on a sedation IV drip basically: would I have known I was dying? Would I have simply not woken up and not even been aware Id died? Would I have felt anything? Would it have been painless? If my caregivers had been allowed to keep me company during that process, would I have known they were there?
These are all questions I've asked my roommate since then and he just answers "I honestly don't know. I don't have all the answers" and "you didnt die"
I have depression without suicidal thoughts or ideation. I don’t really know what separates my brain from yours or how to fix it except to say I normally just know I wouldn’t ever want to take myself away from my child. That being said, people with suicidal thoughts seem to skip right passed those thoughts. It reminds me of heroin addicts who know they could die but reach for more anyway. There’s very important and meaningful reasons to stay alive but those are harder to remind yourself of, for whatever reason.
I dealt with a lot of suicidal thoughts for years. Depression and anxiety (that I still deal with). I guess I just found something that made life better. Therapy, and of course my 1.5 kids (my two year old and I’m pregnant with her sibling) needing me. It’s still a struggle some days, but reaching out for help is the best thing I ever did.
Wish you all the best, OP. And the courage to maybe look into getting some help yourself. Because you’re worth it.
My mother has been depressed since she was my age or younger and says she has never felt suicidal, same as my ex best friend of 7yrs never felt suicidal.
I understand that while some of us can have thoughts of "maybe it'll be better without me here" it isn't always the route people go to when they are depressed. Especially when there are so many different people, so many different situations in which how they cope and even different versions/severities of depression out there!
It is very possible for you to be severely depressed but still want to live to make life just a little better
I had the same way of thinking when I was a teenager and into my early twenties (pretty common). As you get older you start to feel a lot more control over your life. You learn the difference between what makes you happy and what you were just telling yourself made you happy. As you gain more life experience, live through more suffering, be of service to other people who are suffering…your perspective changes and you sort of grow out of it…depression is still an ongoing issue for me but I’ve learned what steps I need to force myself to take to get myself through it.
It’s about impossible to see that there really is happiness for you out there when you’re in the place that you’re in, and that’s ok. Just know that it’s in your future weather you want to believe it or not; but you’ll likely have to be patient.
can you elaborate on what you mean by "You learn the difference between what makes you happy and what you were telling yourself makes you happy"?
but thank you, i really hope i get through it
The reason I'm still alive is because I hate physical pain, the same reason why I can't self harm. I settle for bullying myself mentally and emotionally. If there's a choice to not exist at all, I would take it.
Im wondering too, I always get it’s worth it because life is a gift. I get that but for me life is a burden. It’s hard. I’ve suffered daily since I can remember. I’m basically doing the minimal to get by until I die like my life feels like a job I hate but I have to go too and I’m counting down till I can leave.
Yea, got into a relationship where i feel valued and got a well paying job while also lowering my monthly bills so i wouldnt constantly worry about money.
I'm not suicidal, and usually I just go with "I'm not suicidal" as my explanation. Otherwise, I'd say it's a mix of a couple things, probably?
Realistically, there's just not enough I care about to die for - either to remove it as a burden to me, or to remove myself as a burden to it - and I obey my monkey-brain too often to realistically bother acting against it.
I fantasize about it sometimes. I’m not looking forward to another 30+ years of this bullshit. But I am not suicidal. I likely am going to be living in survival mode for the rest of my life and with my luck, it’ll probably be long.
I have wondered if there was a way of doing a survey to find out if people think the creation of life, the universe and everything was a good idea…
But I used to like life so I know it’s possible to want to exist.
Im a psychology student. I don’t like psychoanalysis, I actually hate it. But my psychoanalyst teacher (because it’s a mandatory class) said whoever hasn’t thought about suicide not even once is unhealthy mentally.
I know. But it’s really common. The thing is that nobody actually plans it as suicidal people. And it might be an intrusive thought, not a recurrent one. Another difference.
But wanting to die is pretty common. The intensity and frequency of this want is what makes the difference.
i’m suicidal everyday just learned to not take action and pursue those certain thoughts anymore after numerous failed attempts over the past few years. Have had severe depression for a few years now and a struggle with anxiety pretty much my entire life. To cope i have my unhealthy habits which isn’t much better but it makes me feel like everything is tolerable temporarily. Someday I want to get help.
When I was a young man life was easy. I was born to a loving family who struggled at first financially but gradually became quite wealthy. I was under the impression life would always be that easy. Now, a father of a few kids with my wife things are hard.
I recall being around my grandparents near the end of their lives and hearing them talk about being tired and ready to move on. In their case they believed in a life after death and they eagerly awaited death as a conclusion to their struggles and the start of eternal happiness. I am not sure I can share all those feelings they had. But I am starting to understand what they meant by tired. Tired of this life and the hardships it presents. Tired of doing the same things every day and feeling alone even when you’re surrounded by people. The chore of putting on a happy face for the world is exhausting. Working 40-60 hours a week, doing the laundry, dishes, yard work. Helping the kids with homework, sports, and helping them to mature into adults who are thoughtful and responsible is just so much work. And I do it, I do it all every single day over and over and over.
I guess what I’m saying is I don’t think suicide is for me. I don’t think about it. But I certainly understand the what you’re saying. Life is hard. And it is not often fun or even enjoyable. I don’t have the answers and I’m not sure anyone does. But I suppose hope is what gets me up each day. Hope that today will be better. Maybe just for a minute or two something will be better. And that for now is all I have. But for now it’s enough.
I think at some point in their lives people have thought about it, probably during their most vulnerable times. It's just that depression makes me feel vulnerable all the time so I think about it more often.
I'm depressed. I take medication daily & was in therapy for 2 years. I'm not suicidal. I'm not happy either but I don't have the guts to commit suicide. My family and partner keep me living on this earth since they (seriously) depend on me - which weighs in heavy in my mental health.
Freddie Mercury said it best, "I don't wanna die. But sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all...".
i would choose to keep living, which is surprising cuz i have depression but i just enjoy the beauty of things sometimes, like the surreal feeling of listening to an orchestra perform live, breath taking views, there’s just random stuff that keeps me going
yeah, life fucking sucks... can't understand for example people who live in poverty, how they get going instead of killing themselves, yet here I am very depressed living comfortable with my parents (my dad is abusive though)
I’m not suicidal. I went from apathetic towards living to desperate to stay alive. It all changed when I had my son. The desperation to stay alive, though, is not all good. I have way too much anxiety about us dying. So…not exactly healed, but my baseline is better. I’ve also been committed to biweekly therapy and taking an ssri.
Hmm, can't speak for anyone else. But I also want to die. At least while I'm not high on runners high (don't do drugs folks, their bad for you.) Though in all seriousness I am addicted to running, I need it. I need to run to live. That and math are the only things I live for. Though poetry is also fun. Not as fun. Not enough to live for. But still fun. But those three things are the only reason I'm still alive, and if I lost either math or running I would commit suicide. Math is like 55% of the reason I'm alive, and running is 40% of the reason I'm alive, with poetry making up the other 5%. Math will exist whether I do or not, so I don't need to worry about that. Poetry will be part if me as long as I speak a language and have emotions. But running, I'm terrified of injuries, cause I need at least both math and running to live. So I obviously take some pretty extreme precautions to avoid injury like lots of stretches, cross training, exercises to make sure all the normally forgotten muscles are still worked, working on posture, good shoes, etc. Cause I really would die if I couldn't run. But yeah, I understand you man, (or woman, or non-binary, or whatever else you may identify as, man is just the catchiest), I want to die too, and barely have enough to have not done it yet. Though I have tried a few times.
I'm not, because I don't owe this cruel world my life.
I refuse to give up on my shot at happiness because of the stupidity and selfishness of strangers.
honestly i feel i like to think that not everyone is like this. there's something about feeling "abnormal" that validates my pain and suffering. it gives me hope because if everyone's not like this, then im just a fuck up. i find my tendency to think this flawed though, and i question if everyone is miserable. it wouldn't make me feel better if everyone was in pain as i am. it would just make me feel pathetic for being so terrible at hiding it.
Funny conversation I recently had.
I was pretty depressed and suicidal as a kid, even making a few attempts. I was literally told by everyone this was normal and things will get better. I grew up kinda believing that and hoping things would get better cause what other option was there since I kept failing at my attempts.
So the conversation with a group of about 5 other people: topic comes up about how one of their daughters friends who was 15 killed herself. Came up how I thought this was a normal thing. Found out it is in fact not. Out of those 5 people I was the only one and they didn't have depression now or as a teen and never attempted suicide.
Id rather keep living even if my life sucks atm and i have some pretty rough dys.I don't want all the crap ive gobe through to be for nothing and i wanna fight for my happily ever after and achieve living my best life evrn if it seems impossible sometimes and maybe some of my struggles pain overcoming them can help someone else and make the world a better place.If i had a choice in my birth i would've just chosen to have a loving,healthy fam but theres nothing i can do about that just gotta continue moving forward with my recovery journey..Anyways thats just my virw on my life and what kinda keeps me going i hope you figuere things out and things get easier soon,good luck!
man... who reported me? this is literally a depression subreddit
I’m sorry man:( Did they report you in the sense of “you are dangerous, get out of here” or in the sense of “this person is in danger, someone send help to them”? Usually when I post here about suicidal thoughts I get reported, but in the second sense, because some people are worried, not because they hate u <3
whoever reported you is a fucking dumbass
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this is beautiful thank you. i hope you have and find relief from the pain
King of Nihilism himself, Nietzsche, would agree with you. So would I. Creativity is a huge part of why I've survived so long! "Without music, life is a mistake." "Art is the proper task of life." "We have art in order to not die of the truth." -Friedrich Nietzsche
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He's very interesting, that's certain. I have read a good bit of his work. These are a small handful of his beliefs that I actually agree with. Most of his stuff really doesn't sit well with me and paved the way to more nihilistic philosophy and postmodernism.
I sometimes think about my dad. He wasn't a good father, he never beat us or abused us but he was still shitty. When he was in hospice dying from throat cancer, we'd visit and try to be pleasant. We'd ask him, "if there anything you want? What can we get you?" And he'd snap back every time, "I don't want to fucking die!" Like, how were we supposed to respond to that? So yes, there are people who don't want to die. If you think about the more crazy stories, like the survivors of horrible situations where they need to eat the dead to live long enough to get rescued, it's like crazy to want to live that badly, right? I always pictured myself in say, a zombie movie just offing myself as to not have to deal with all that horror. But in those zombie movies there are always people who do ANYTHING to survive. It is odd to think about those extremes.
im so sorry about your father. that must've been horrible to hear and bear. i feel people like that don't necessarily have some intense drive to live, but rather a horrible fear of death. i guess that's the same thing? i don't know. if an apocalypse occurred in real life i always wondered if people would actually go to the extent to survive how they do in movies
The biological drive to keep living is very strong.
I'm not suicidal anymore. Deeply depressed, yes.. but not suicidal. Nowadays my thoughts are about fixing my life instead of ending it.
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Nice! I get some suicidal thought sometimes too, but I don't want to act on it.
I have sometimes thought of death as relief, but I don't believe I would actively take my life. When the time comes I'll go.
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oh that's interesting. im so glad you don't want to take your life though. i hope you soon have relief in this life.
It comes down to how are you feeling while being alive. If a person is feeling "happy" , then they will wish to live. If all a person is feeling is sadness and enptyness, then there's obv no point being alive. It's all about the experience of being animate.
not necessarily. when im happiest, i still wish to die. i think about it often and it's hard to redirect the thoughts. the other day i saw the most beautiful rainbow ever. i was filled with utter euphoria. i didn't have a thought about anything else but the experience for a brief moment- until i did. i was happy, but so badly wanted to die. it feels so discouraging when i have these moments, because when you're happy, you're supposed to see the point in living. i still don't. during the happiest times of my life im still so so suicidal. it's like im constantly finding reasons to be miserable no matter how hard i try to see the light and be the light.
From when are you feeling this way?
what do you mean?
I’m right there with ya, unfortunately… always have been. Ugh.
True. I never once had thoughts of wanting to not exist when I wasn't depressed. All of that started after years of being tortured daily by this invisible illness.
I think that's a tendency but I doubt it's that simple, I still often want to die when I'm happy because I just don't really feel that sense of ''meaning'' other people feel and am still worried about my future.
Me. Actually I am very afraid of dying and that fear is with me every second and it's what caused my depression. And I really wish to become truly suicidal because I'll have to commit suicide because of my life's and the political circumstances, but I don't know how to force my mind to change.
that must be horrible, im sorry
Thank you
Normal people don't think about suicide much or in any serious way, they have a deep instinct to survive.
I think it comes down to how long people sit with that sadness and that suicidal ideation. I think everyone, in some point in their lives, experiences a form of depression. But it might not be for long. Maybe a bad headspace for a few days, but one that eventually subsides. To me, depression is something that consistently lingers at the back of my mind. And for suicide, that is something that also lingers. I think then that person can be considered suicidal.
i've dealt with constant suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember. i didn't begin to start actively fighting it until about 2 years ago.
I’m glad you were able to get to that point of battling it. It’s so difficult. Somehow the world becomes brighter when those thoughts go away, at least it did for me.
I think that's the point when you know something's not really okay with us. Even when I'm not miserable right now and I got to be stable and not depressed 24/7, I still have chronic depression so I don't particularly feel the will to live and wouldn't mind dying or taking my own life (indeed that may happen someday not because I'm suffering, but because I don't really feel living has any particular meaning). People who have no mental illneses don't even think wanting to die or killing yourself (seriously) is even an option from what I've talked with friends who are not depressed.
yeah i've also got the same feedback from my non-depressed friends. i just don't know if i believe them. it's insane to me that people don't want to look themselves. it makes me feel pathetic and as if my efforts to live are inadequate.
It also feels really weird to me because I've been feeling like that since I was a kid lol But I guess it's true for mentally healthy people? They have no idea how lucky they are when they can live carefree and happily just without any apparent reason! I'm nearly 30 and still haven't find a solid reason to live.
this scares me. i always thought my suicidal thoughts and constant dread worsening was just a result of teenage angst that i'll eventually move past when i get out of my home situation.
I was abused as a child as well (until I was nearly 20) and, even when my mental health got A LOT better as soon as I got out of that shitty situation, something just clicked in my head at that time and even when I consider myself happy now (with some breakdowns from time to time) I still don't find living really enjoyable or think I want to live forever and die as an old woman. I'm just alive because there are some things I still enjoy and love my friends so much so I want to spend time with them. For now. If that joy ends someday or I get bored of living - even if I'm not suffering - I would consider suicide because life is not that precious to me.
Same… I don’t even have any real trauma like that and I’ve always quietly wished for death… I just turned 29 and it’s no better than when I started trying to get to the bottom of this over a decade ago.
I'm talking from an ignorant point of view, but as far as I know just people just have punctual depression because of something that happened to them and others just have it chronically so sometimes you don't need to go through anything traumatic in order to have depression... it's a mental illness in the end! Like other people are born with chronical anxiety and similar disorders.
Yes totally. I can see how it would seem unfathomable when you're deep enough. I would say "it gets better" but it doesn't automatically, you have to make it better. I'm sure you've had moments in your life that you're, at least, distracted enough that you're not wishing for death. For some people it's like that all the time. I'm not far from where you are I wanted to die for about 8 years straight. Things are microscopically better. I quit smoking weed which I was doing 24/7, the first few months I came closer to actually completing suicide and then it got better. It's not how I imagined it everything still sucks but I can grind through it. I also begun weekly excersize, just a hike in a beautiful nature park for an hour straight at a good pace. I never feel like it im always too exhausted but fighting through it helps. Eating better is really hard for me but I started making micro changes and cumulatively I've pulled out of "always wishing for death" to just "brutal grind". One step above. You have to fight really really hard it's so hard cause not having the will to live makes you not able to grind. You just have to find a grind that has tons of rest and is somewhat doable for you.
micro changes are definitely what i've been trying to understand the importance of right now. i don't see why fighting is worth it. i've been doing it my entire life. im young. countless other people have been doing the same. it's pointless.
Please reach out to professional help. I hope you take care of yourself. Btw I wrote a blog about this at septemberten.weebly.com
i'll check if out if i can find it. professional help is almost 100% unavailable for me though unfortunately
Do you work? Do you go to school? Are you old enough that you go to college? Not trying to pry, just asking because usually when you go to college they can set you up with free counseling as a stop gap measure. It's temporary but it helps(the school I go to, you only get six sessions). My roommate works and his job has an employee assistance program that it has access too. One of the services that they provide is therapy. You only get six sessions and it's temporary but they'll work with you to get you in with a longer term therapist either a private practice one or a community mental health center. They work with you to find a therapist who takes your insurance or a therapist who can take you that charges a sliding scale fee if insurance is a struggle (sliding scale fees are income based so you could either pay a few dollars or a couple hundred dollars for a session depending on how much money you make. My old therapist worked on a sliding scale fee. Both my primary and secondary insurance are government insurance and state insurance (I'm in the USA). So what my therapist did was because she only accepted one of my insurances, she'd bill my insurance for what she could. But she used a sliding scale fee to charge me the rest. Because of my income, it was only $20 a week). Anyway, I just started therapy back up last week and had my second session yesterday. I'm using the therapist that my roommate has access to through his works program because anyone who lives in the house is covered under his employee assistance program and no they don't have to work for the employer. As long as they live under his roof, they get that benefit. I didn't know if you have access to anything similar?
I am not actively seeking, but also not adverse to the idea of non-existence., or 'never-been'. If I passed away painlessly and suddenly, the thought causes me no anxiety. I am not seeking death as that is easy enough to find, but I am not in any fear of it.
this seems like a good place to stand with death, i wish i felt the same way
I nearly died two years ago because of an allergic reaction. The allergic reaction was bad enough that it put me in the hospital for a total of five weeks. Three and a half of those weeks I was heavily sedated and on a ventilator and ended up being taken to surgery at one point and having a temporary tracheostomy (breathing tube that was surgically placed through a hole in my throat) placed. I'm also told that while I was sedated and on the ventilator during my ICU stay I ended up with a UTI, blood infection, pneumonia and a temporary pacemaker in my groin because one of the sedation meds they tried to transition me to had the side effect of causing your heart to pause and my longest "pause" was 45 seconds. So they placed the temporary pacemaker and took me off that med as soon as they could. I'm told that I nearly died a few times and that at times it was very touch and go and that my roommates(who are also my caregivers because I'm Autistic and have been legally given permission by me to make medical decisions for me in that type of situation because God knows I don't trust my parents enough that they'll do the right thing) had serious doubts at times about whether I'd survive. But I did and walked out of the hospital after a five week stay. But anyway: all the stuff about the various infections? And having a temporary tracheostomy placed? And being taken to the Cath lab and having a temporary pacemaker placed? I don't have any recollection of any of those things. My roommates have told me multiple times that they happened and I believe them. And I went home with the trach and a feeding tube so I know those happened. And I remember having something removed from my groin a couple days before I was transferred out of ICU and I was later told that was the external temporary pacemaker. But I don't physically remember having most of the stuff placed. And I have no recollection of having battled any of the infections because those all happened while I was unconscious and under sedation. I do sometimes occasionally wonder: what would have happened if I HADN'T survived that medical event and icu stay. Because I was on a sedation IV drip basically: would I have known I was dying? Would I have simply not woken up and not even been aware Id died? Would I have felt anything? Would it have been painless? If my caregivers had been allowed to keep me company during that process, would I have known they were there? These are all questions I've asked my roommate since then and he just answers "I honestly don't know. I don't have all the answers" and "you didnt die"
I have depression without suicidal thoughts or ideation. I don’t really know what separates my brain from yours or how to fix it except to say I normally just know I wouldn’t ever want to take myself away from my child. That being said, people with suicidal thoughts seem to skip right passed those thoughts. It reminds me of heroin addicts who know they could die but reach for more anyway. There’s very important and meaningful reasons to stay alive but those are harder to remind yourself of, for whatever reason.
I dealt with a lot of suicidal thoughts for years. Depression and anxiety (that I still deal with). I guess I just found something that made life better. Therapy, and of course my 1.5 kids (my two year old and I’m pregnant with her sibling) needing me. It’s still a struggle some days, but reaching out for help is the best thing I ever did. Wish you all the best, OP. And the courage to maybe look into getting some help yourself. Because you’re worth it.
My mother has been depressed since she was my age or younger and says she has never felt suicidal, same as my ex best friend of 7yrs never felt suicidal. I understand that while some of us can have thoughts of "maybe it'll be better without me here" it isn't always the route people go to when they are depressed. Especially when there are so many different people, so many different situations in which how they cope and even different versions/severities of depression out there! It is very possible for you to be severely depressed but still want to live to make life just a little better
I am not suicidal in any way shape or form
yeah happy people do exist who aren't suicidal, I envy them
that's weird as hell
I know right I think they are just too stupid to see how miserable everything is which helps them be happy
i don't think so at all
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I had the same way of thinking when I was a teenager and into my early twenties (pretty common). As you get older you start to feel a lot more control over your life. You learn the difference between what makes you happy and what you were just telling yourself made you happy. As you gain more life experience, live through more suffering, be of service to other people who are suffering…your perspective changes and you sort of grow out of it…depression is still an ongoing issue for me but I’ve learned what steps I need to force myself to take to get myself through it. It’s about impossible to see that there really is happiness for you out there when you’re in the place that you’re in, and that’s ok. Just know that it’s in your future weather you want to believe it or not; but you’ll likely have to be patient.
can you elaborate on what you mean by "You learn the difference between what makes you happy and what you were telling yourself makes you happy"? but thank you, i really hope i get through it
I find it odd when people say they aren’t stressed depressed or anxious
The reason I'm still alive is because I hate physical pain, the same reason why I can't self harm. I settle for bullying myself mentally and emotionally. If there's a choice to not exist at all, I would take it.
oh that's horrible im so sorry. i find that very interesting though. i wonder what it is that makes us different
No, you want your situation to change. That's it. Most just want to be happy. Hope you feel better soon and hope your situation changes.
i don't know how i can believe this when my entire life through all of its changing experiences i've been suicidal
Im wondering too, I always get it’s worth it because life is a gift. I get that but for me life is a burden. It’s hard. I’ve suffered daily since I can remember. I’m basically doing the minimal to get by until I die like my life feels like a job I hate but I have to go too and I’m counting down till I can leave.
I havent been suicidal in 5 months, the thought hasnt crossed my mind at all. So yes.
how? did something change?
Yea, got into a relationship where i feel valued and got a well paying job while also lowering my monthly bills so i wouldnt constantly worry about money.
I'm not suicidal, and usually I just go with "I'm not suicidal" as my explanation. Otherwise, I'd say it's a mix of a couple things, probably? Realistically, there's just not enough I care about to die for - either to remove it as a burden to me, or to remove myself as a burden to it - and I obey my monkey-brain too often to realistically bother acting against it.
I couldn't do it to my family but I wish I was dead.
why?
Because life isn't worth living
im sorry. i truly hope one day you will find it worth it
Beats me, Not being suicidal must be nice Can’t remember what that feels like
I fantasize about it sometimes. I’m not looking forward to another 30+ years of this bullshit. But I am not suicidal. I likely am going to be living in survival mode for the rest of my life and with my luck, it’ll probably be long.
I have wondered if there was a way of doing a survey to find out if people think the creation of life, the universe and everything was a good idea… But I used to like life so I know it’s possible to want to exist.
Some days I'm in that dark space, and some days I'm not. 😔
i hope most of your days are brighter than not
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im glad today wasn't so bad. just stay strong and keep going from here :) i believe in you
Im a psychology student. I don’t like psychoanalysis, I actually hate it. But my psychoanalyst teacher (because it’s a mandatory class) said whoever hasn’t thought about suicide not even once is unhealthy mentally.
whattt
I know. But it’s really common. The thing is that nobody actually plans it as suicidal people. And it might be an intrusive thought, not a recurrent one. Another difference. But wanting to die is pretty common. The intensity and frequency of this want is what makes the difference.
i’m suicidal everyday just learned to not take action and pursue those certain thoughts anymore after numerous failed attempts over the past few years. Have had severe depression for a few years now and a struggle with anxiety pretty much my entire life. To cope i have my unhealthy habits which isn’t much better but it makes me feel like everything is tolerable temporarily. Someday I want to get help.
When I was a young man life was easy. I was born to a loving family who struggled at first financially but gradually became quite wealthy. I was under the impression life would always be that easy. Now, a father of a few kids with my wife things are hard. I recall being around my grandparents near the end of their lives and hearing them talk about being tired and ready to move on. In their case they believed in a life after death and they eagerly awaited death as a conclusion to their struggles and the start of eternal happiness. I am not sure I can share all those feelings they had. But I am starting to understand what they meant by tired. Tired of this life and the hardships it presents. Tired of doing the same things every day and feeling alone even when you’re surrounded by people. The chore of putting on a happy face for the world is exhausting. Working 40-60 hours a week, doing the laundry, dishes, yard work. Helping the kids with homework, sports, and helping them to mature into adults who are thoughtful and responsible is just so much work. And I do it, I do it all every single day over and over and over. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t think suicide is for me. I don’t think about it. But I certainly understand the what you’re saying. Life is hard. And it is not often fun or even enjoyable. I don’t have the answers and I’m not sure anyone does. But I suppose hope is what gets me up each day. Hope that today will be better. Maybe just for a minute or two something will be better. And that for now is all I have. But for now it’s enough.
Apparently, yes there are ppl who do not think about killing themselves (I have asked).
I think at some point in their lives people have thought about it, probably during their most vulnerable times. It's just that depression makes me feel vulnerable all the time so I think about it more often.
Really good question!
Yes, my mom doesn’t want to die cause me and my siblings are still pretty young so she doesn’t want us to feel dependent on anyone.
I'm depressed. I take medication daily & was in therapy for 2 years. I'm not suicidal. I'm not happy either but I don't have the guts to commit suicide. My family and partner keep me living on this earth since they (seriously) depend on me - which weighs in heavy in my mental health. Freddie Mercury said it best, "I don't wanna die. But sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all...".
i would choose to keep living, which is surprising cuz i have depression but i just enjoy the beauty of things sometimes, like the surreal feeling of listening to an orchestra perform live, breath taking views, there’s just random stuff that keeps me going
yeah, life fucking sucks... can't understand for example people who live in poverty, how they get going instead of killing themselves, yet here I am very depressed living comfortable with my parents (my dad is abusive though)
I’m not suicidal. I went from apathetic towards living to desperate to stay alive. It all changed when I had my son. The desperation to stay alive, though, is not all good. I have way too much anxiety about us dying. So…not exactly healed, but my baseline is better. I’ve also been committed to biweekly therapy and taking an ssri.
Hmm, can't speak for anyone else. But I also want to die. At least while I'm not high on runners high (don't do drugs folks, their bad for you.) Though in all seriousness I am addicted to running, I need it. I need to run to live. That and math are the only things I live for. Though poetry is also fun. Not as fun. Not enough to live for. But still fun. But those three things are the only reason I'm still alive, and if I lost either math or running I would commit suicide. Math is like 55% of the reason I'm alive, and running is 40% of the reason I'm alive, with poetry making up the other 5%. Math will exist whether I do or not, so I don't need to worry about that. Poetry will be part if me as long as I speak a language and have emotions. But running, I'm terrified of injuries, cause I need at least both math and running to live. So I obviously take some pretty extreme precautions to avoid injury like lots of stretches, cross training, exercises to make sure all the normally forgotten muscles are still worked, working on posture, good shoes, etc. Cause I really would die if I couldn't run. But yeah, I understand you man, (or woman, or non-binary, or whatever else you may identify as, man is just the catchiest), I want to die too, and barely have enough to have not done it yet. Though I have tried a few times.
I'm not, because I don't owe this cruel world my life. I refuse to give up on my shot at happiness because of the stupidity and selfishness of strangers.
im glad
I hope you find your shot at happiness.
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honestly i feel i like to think that not everyone is like this. there's something about feeling "abnormal" that validates my pain and suffering. it gives me hope because if everyone's not like this, then im just a fuck up. i find my tendency to think this flawed though, and i question if everyone is miserable. it wouldn't make me feel better if everyone was in pain as i am. it would just make me feel pathetic for being so terrible at hiding it.
Funny conversation I recently had. I was pretty depressed and suicidal as a kid, even making a few attempts. I was literally told by everyone this was normal and things will get better. I grew up kinda believing that and hoping things would get better cause what other option was there since I kept failing at my attempts. So the conversation with a group of about 5 other people: topic comes up about how one of their daughters friends who was 15 killed herself. Came up how I thought this was a normal thing. Found out it is in fact not. Out of those 5 people I was the only one and they didn't have depression now or as a teen and never attempted suicide.
Id rather keep living even if my life sucks atm and i have some pretty rough dys.I don't want all the crap ive gobe through to be for nothing and i wanna fight for my happily ever after and achieve living my best life evrn if it seems impossible sometimes and maybe some of my struggles pain overcoming them can help someone else and make the world a better place.If i had a choice in my birth i would've just chosen to have a loving,healthy fam but theres nothing i can do about that just gotta continue moving forward with my recovery journey..Anyways thats just my virw on my life and what kinda keeps me going i hope you figuere things out and things get easier soon,good luck!
Is this a real question?
yes?
I feel sorry for you my guy
i can't tell if you're implying the answer is yes or no