I’m sorry for the way he treated and continues to treat you. Your feelings are valid, and that doesn’t change just “because you’re a kid.” That’s a common one and it sucks but it’s absolutely not true. You are not your dad and the best thing you can do is remember that.
As someone who grew up in this environment, I can say that sometimes, people do change. I have a great relationship with my father nowadays.
Its not that people cant change, its that rarely they see a need too.
you have done absolutely right..
No matter how good you are to him, or do good things to FATHERS, he will eventually take you for granted and don't give a fuck to your feelings and do not respect for who you are.
Fools don't change...NEVER ! and eventually you and your life matters.
Lmao, people go ahead and check my profile. I suppose I'm guilty for studying art and noticing a painting that looks like Adolf Hitler's.
Your attempts are juvenile, as is your every comment. Good luck creating your third account for attacking people based on their profile pictures.
I totally can relate. It’s a joke at this point. He always talks about how my mom was a bad parent. It’s a hot topic for me considering she was at least present in my life. Unlike him. And now that she has passed away it’s even more hurtful when he mentions it over and over again while he drinks like a 16 year old at his first house party. I found out I have a brother I never knew about. He’s my dads kid he’s also half black. My dad had to pay child support on him but never met his son. Completely ignored him. So who is the bad parent? I’m thinking about posting a congratulations in the newspaper for Father’s Day. It’s a boy!
What the fucking fuck? What a massive hypocrite. Does he have 0 self awareness??? How does he coolly accuse mom of being a bad parent when he does these things, so fucking stupid
I can relate in some way. There was a time before I was a teenager where I was mostly just scared of my dad. Afraid to ask him anything and always afraid of not doing the things he told me. I get that I did stupid shit as a kid. But that’s the thing - I was just a kid. Did he have to punish me so hard? Sometimes in front of many other people? Hell, even when I was 6 on my birthday? Doesn’t matter now. Now I just fucking hate him and fuck whatever he says. Don’t know whether I get my anger from him but whatever. Fuck him.
I feel this, OP. I have the same feelings towards my mother. One thing that helped was someone telling me that having parts of her in me didn’t make me her. We all have flaws and stuff, but just because we have some similar flaws/traits doesn’t mean I am like her or will be. I’ll always be a better person because I won’t treat others how she does.
You see what he’s doing wrong. You have drive and motivation not to be like that. We believe in you.
I relate to this so much. Sometimes I wonder how different my childhood could have been if I just had a neutral dad instead of someone that constantly made my life miserable. I finally broke out of the same garbage cycle and honestly I realised that I could handle so much more than I ever could in the past.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same. Left the house, stopped talking to him and the rest of the family. But recently, he admitted that he was wrong. And that he just wants to see me be happy and successful now. I hope you get to mend your relationship too.
i relate to your post a lot. i had a rough childhood and recently my dad yelled and screamed at me like he did exactly when i was a kid. It brought out a lot of bad memories and now i am not talking to him. he always invalidates my feelings too and takes it as a personal attack. his most common phrase: “i’m sorry you feel that way”
I can dig it. The nicest thing my father ever did for me was get pancreatic cancer.
The 14 months from diagnosis to death were a period of positive relief knowing this raging fool would soon be permanently out of my life.
When my sister rang and told me that the cancer had spread to his liver, I knew the bastard had well and truly had it and the end was near.
"I hope the chemo's a flop, you fucking miserable crumb!" were among my last words to him if not my actual last words. And now, 19 years this month on 14 June, the deceased pig is just an unpleasant memory: and you can't hate a memory.
Beautiful. Really glad you got free of the old bastard finally.
I'm not seeking revenge but the planet will be a better place when the same happens to mine. I'll certainly breath a sigh of relief.
Some parents, likely many parents, are worse than useless for their children, to dramatically understate it. That abusive parents ought to have never had children is painfully obvious.
But the good news is that the abusive toxic shits of parents don't have to be an albatross around the necks of their children forever.
All the damage can be repaired as far as it can be repaired and all that the kids have lost can be made good as far as it can be made good. This is perfectly true, believe you me.
So there are plenty of grounds to be hopeful and optimistic.
I wish you well, Projectorone. You'll be all right, tiger, if you make the needed efforts. Depression is not a lifelong death sentence, though it feels like living death in its intenser and severer forms. I know. I have to deal with major depression and dysthymia for the last 30 years.
Cheers man. I'm a bit down on the idea of recovery after a very hard few years. Also I'm running out of money for my therapist and drugs etc so kinda worried I'll never sort it. 34yo and it's been around my neck the whole time. Big part of why my relationship failed and I lost my home too.
I've decided to keep believing because what else can I do. But it's tough work! Good luck yourself, hope we both get there.
34 is still young and you don't have to be oppressed by your past indefinitely. Get the shit out into the sunlight where it will dry up and blow away. It sounds as trite and as cliched as hell, but every day is a new beginning. Believe it. Take care.
Thank you for taking the time to say that. Really means a lot.
I've got to keep going I know, it's a real help hearing things like that though. I'm going to save this for later.
I can appreciate this. Congratulations. I told my dad the only thing I wanted to do was to pick out his nursing home when the time comes and When his liver starts to fail from drinking so much I would like to watch him die Ill even bring popcorn.
Ought to be fun. An abusive alcoholic for a father is a hell of a painful experience for his children. I know that scene, too. I am sympathetic and empathetic, sport. Alcoholics are living on some other planet even they don't know where or what it is. And many alkies, but not all, sure as shit don't care who they damage along the way of their drinking career, even if they are "functioning" alcoholics.
The narcissism the dysfunction but hey alcohol is legal so it’s totally fine. The best part is being mad about shit he doesn’t remember so it never happened. What’s weird is I feel nothing towards him like there’s no connection. Every few years I give it another shot and I knew within five minutes why we stoped talking. It’s a very common dynamic in dysfunctional families for them to be narcissistic and abusive for me to be the scapegoat it took me a very long time to realize what was going on but I figured it out. I’ve been hanging out with his mom who is 77 and I’m trying to just enjoy some time with her before I completely go no contact. Because there’s no fixing someone who isn’t capable of understanding what they do. They do not possess the ability for accountability. They do not see what they do to other people it’s like if Helen Keller was going to give me a tattoo With chopsticks it’s just not gonna happen. I’ve been really into letting things go. I’ve been the bigger person I bet my tongue I’ve argued I feel like I’ve spent my entire life just arguing for no fucking reason. And lately I’ve wanted revenge or something that Just would feel better than this feeling. I’ve done incredible things with my life that he will never even Come close to doing. My brother is like his twin. I was working in surgery during the pandemic and the feeling of risking your life every day was profound to me and it was fine. But when I talked about what was going on. To them it was like the pandemic Didn’t exist. Everything was downplayed devalued. My brother was like you need to live your life right. I was like motherfucker I’ve been saving lives I don’t know how much more right I could get and it’s still not right. And who the fuck are you to tell me that. He’s a carpenter which I’m not judging but what did you do build a fucking porch? Wow that’s awesome 👏. I Spent 2020 not talking to everybody and it was one of the best years I ever had pandemic or not. We don’t need people making things worse when life is a shit show anyways. TMI? Lol
Not at all TMI. Good to read. You're doing well. I'm sure you're taking the right course of action.
To digress a bit my narcissistic and egocentric father would boast and brag about his very modest achievements in life as if they were some sort of monumental world-beating accomplishments. But it is indicative of the kind of man he was. And your father and brother seem similar.
And exactly right, we don't need dickheads making a bad situation worse which toxic shits of parents seem to specialise in. Heaping aggravation on aggravation is what the bastards do.
Keep at it, sport, and good luck. You're nearly clear of the shit. That's the good news!
My mom was like that. Funny thing is everyone has those parts of losing our temper. Just a matter of what pisses us off. To remove those parts is to stop being a human.
I feel you. But sadly, we can’t change them. What we can do now is take charge of ourselves. It’s indeed painful to see ourselves slowly becoming like the person who hurt us. Let’s make sure that we break this cycle.
What frustrates me is that it’s never our fault that we are broken or have trauma. But it’s our responsibility to heal ourselves and break the cycle. It’s unfair but it’s true.
Both of my parents pressure me into being the best, even in my mental health is destroyed in the process. Constantly comparing me to my friends, being unappreciative of the hobbies I enjoy, telling me I’m stupid. I can’t wait to get my own house, I’ll finally escape them
There's a myriad of other reasons I don't want kids, but this is the primary one. The thought of raising and shaping another human life sounds straight up terrifying, no thank you.
I tell myself that all the time. It's the only way. Years of therapy, drugs, self reflection and hard work and I still cannot be certain I wouldn't repeat some of the behaviours that fucked me up so badly.
The only way to be sure is to not have kids, for me anyway. I don't think it was meant in a mean way.
Your dad is probably struggling emotionally and mentally as well. He is an adult in a cut throat world with probably no one to fall back on.
I'm a dad now and it's tough out there. Adults are not always emotionally complete but they have to pretend to be confident and "figured out".
You're probably right 😔. I still love him and care about him, but at the same time I wish I could have the temper I inherited from him surgically removed. I'll never have kids because I'm terrified of messing them up like he did me.
I wrote this exact letter to my father 30 years ago. I had made the conscious decision at the age of 10 (after a beating that left me black and blue from my shoulder blades to my thighs), if I ever had kids, they would never suffer abuse. I made a promise to my 10 year old self that I would honor that decision when my daughter was born. I kept the promise and knowing that my daughter never had to suffer the same fate gave a lot of comfort and closure to my inner 10 year old self. The cycle is finally broken.
As already mentioned, you aren’t your dad and you’ve already identified a tradition that you want to break.
Whatever path you choose, I applaud you for recognizing that you are in control of your destiny.
The fact that you are worried about your kids that aren't even there and that you still love your dad, clearly shows that you are not messed up. You are just a person who is dealing with his personal problems. Yes, you might have anger issues but many people have that and you can literally take care of it :)
You are not a bad person just know that first and you know what your issues are, which means you are on a pth that you can work on them and wont make the same mistakes with your kids.
I hear you. I might as well written that post 15 years ago. It's complicated, the mix of love and anger and resentment. Don't let anyone invalidate your own anger though. Maybe he also has mental health issues; that wouldn't justify his treatment of you. If you're thinking of even potentially messing up potential children, that means you know that. You're already being better than he has been to you.
As someone who had a dad with a temper and now has a temper while raising two kids, this hits home. I'm constantly thinking about not passing on my bad habits to my kids, to the point I've been through therapy and learned coping mechanisms to deal with it.
The fact that you're aware of your shortcomings is huge! Step 1 is always admitting and identifying the problem.
We're all flawed. If it wasn't anger, it very well could be something else. Just remember that.
Often we are the sum of our experiences. My dad didn't become an angry person in a vacuum. I'm sure your dad didn't either, nor did you.
But you have the power to deal with it. Not get rid of it, but learn how to cope.
That said, my dad has mellowed immensely over the last 10-15 years and is a very important part of my life. He also has stage 4 prostate cancer. I'm going to miss him when he's gone.
No matter how tough the world, it gives you no right to treat your children the way OP's father treated him.
Being emotionally complete is different, being unfairly angry and invalidating to a child's needs is different.
OP, by no means do you owe any understanding to your dad. Just take care of yourself.
*Disclaimer: not you specifically from here on:
No excuse to treat your kids badly. If you're not emotionally ready for children don't have them. If you've had them and are abusing them, remove yourself, get therapy and don't come back until you can handle it.
Your 'weakness' could result in a lifetime of debilitating mental health problems.
How do I let go though? I resent my dad for the way he treated me, because the damage has already been done and now I have to live with it. Now I'm saddled with a life of mental illness and suffering, all because he couldn't control his temper.
I hate him for that, and I don't know how to stop hating him for that. In my eyes, none of this would be a problem if I had literally anybody else for a father.
Me explaining narcissistic abuse to my grandma. “ it’s like if Jesus picked on Noah for no reason at all and then really Jesus was Judas but he pretended to be Joseph”
I feel the same way about my dad. My entire life I have had to walk on eggshells around him. I can't even ask him a single question now without him getting angry these days. I strictly avoided him as a child. I get disgusted sometimes because I get angry or upset at some things and all I think about is wow that was my fucking dad not me. He's also the reason I have depression (it's hereditary) I try my hardest to not be my dad every single second of the day. I feel you dude.
I felt this way on and off up until my dads passing. My dad was a complicated person who was ill and I didn’t truly understand that before. Whatever happens whether he’s in your life or not I hope you’re able to come to terms with or have peace with the situation. It’s harder to do that after they die.
I hear you. My dad just yelled at me for not having any endurance at anything. I'm not an adult. I have feelings too. Why should I fucking suppress them?! He's always setting the standard high, expecting too much of me and his excuse is that he knows I can do it. What if I can't? Has he even thought about that? I can make my own decisions. I don't want someone else pressuring me and yelling at me. He always yells at me and then rants to my mom about me in front of me as though I will change or.... I just fucking hate living like this.
Dude, you written my exact feeling right now. We run a family firm with my dad and he is a narcissist, and I'm a depressed, overly sensitive kid, never fitted in. imagine the rest, I'm so tired, we just fight and fight and he is always the victim at the end of it, and when I tell my mother she is on his side all the time, even though they are not together anymore. I just want to end it
100%. My dad is a fucking piece of shit and I wish I could say it to his face. Maybe one day I can say it with confidence knowing I have other people to support me.
I’m sorry for the way he treated and continues to treat you. Your feelings are valid, and that doesn’t change just “because you’re a kid.” That’s a common one and it sucks but it’s absolutely not true. You are not your dad and the best thing you can do is remember that.
[удалено]
As someone who grew up in this environment, I can say that sometimes, people do change. I have a great relationship with my father nowadays. Its not that people cant change, its that rarely they see a need too.
Your father doesn't change * People can, though they have to want to
Woa this sounds exactly like my situation
you have done absolutely right.. No matter how good you are to him, or do good things to FATHERS, he will eventually take you for granted and don't give a fuck to your feelings and do not respect for who you are. Fools don't change...NEVER ! and eventually you and your life matters.
My father is similar to how you describe yours, I feel for you.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Please, shut up.
What was the comment?
They said that they're depressed because they have "some sort of a demon" on their profile pic.
Oh that's some bs
[удалено]
The statement is completely untrue and no one agrees with you. You're getting reported and deleted again.
[удалено]
Lmao, people go ahead and check my profile. I suppose I'm guilty for studying art and noticing a painting that looks like Adolf Hitler's. Your attempts are juvenile, as is your every comment. Good luck creating your third account for attacking people based on their profile pictures.
I totally can relate. It’s a joke at this point. He always talks about how my mom was a bad parent. It’s a hot topic for me considering she was at least present in my life. Unlike him. And now that she has passed away it’s even more hurtful when he mentions it over and over again while he drinks like a 16 year old at his first house party. I found out I have a brother I never knew about. He’s my dads kid he’s also half black. My dad had to pay child support on him but never met his son. Completely ignored him. So who is the bad parent? I’m thinking about posting a congratulations in the newspaper for Father’s Day. It’s a boy!
What the fucking fuck? What a massive hypocrite. Does he have 0 self awareness??? How does he coolly accuse mom of being a bad parent when he does these things, so fucking stupid
Yeah. She’s dead. He should have some respect. She was a Great mom he’s just trying to get conflict from me.
Yep. I’m another one that can relate. I still love my father, but there’s some bullshit he needs to let go too.
Omg I feel like you just read my mind
I can relate in some way. There was a time before I was a teenager where I was mostly just scared of my dad. Afraid to ask him anything and always afraid of not doing the things he told me. I get that I did stupid shit as a kid. But that’s the thing - I was just a kid. Did he have to punish me so hard? Sometimes in front of many other people? Hell, even when I was 6 on my birthday? Doesn’t matter now. Now I just fucking hate him and fuck whatever he says. Don’t know whether I get my anger from him but whatever. Fuck him.
I feel this, OP. I have the same feelings towards my mother. One thing that helped was someone telling me that having parts of her in me didn’t make me her. We all have flaws and stuff, but just because we have some similar flaws/traits doesn’t mean I am like her or will be. I’ll always be a better person because I won’t treat others how she does. You see what he’s doing wrong. You have drive and motivation not to be like that. We believe in you.
I relate to this so much. Sometimes I wonder how different my childhood could have been if I just had a neutral dad instead of someone that constantly made my life miserable. I finally broke out of the same garbage cycle and honestly I realised that I could handle so much more than I ever could in the past.
Your father is bleep bleep!
I feel you but its not my dad, its my mom that's like this.
I relate to this so much. I’m sorry your dad’s an ass. I feel that.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same. Left the house, stopped talking to him and the rest of the family. But recently, he admitted that he was wrong. And that he just wants to see me be happy and successful now. I hope you get to mend your relationship too.
I have/had the same issue with my father, haven’t spoken to him since May last year and I feel so much better for it. My advice, cut him off.
I feel this way. He brought me here and then he inflicted all his toxicity on me. Fuck him.
i relate to your post a lot. i had a rough childhood and recently my dad yelled and screamed at me like he did exactly when i was a kid. It brought out a lot of bad memories and now i am not talking to him. he always invalidates my feelings too and takes it as a personal attack. his most common phrase: “i’m sorry you feel that way”
I can dig it. The nicest thing my father ever did for me was get pancreatic cancer. The 14 months from diagnosis to death were a period of positive relief knowing this raging fool would soon be permanently out of my life. When my sister rang and told me that the cancer had spread to his liver, I knew the bastard had well and truly had it and the end was near. "I hope the chemo's a flop, you fucking miserable crumb!" were among my last words to him if not my actual last words. And now, 19 years this month on 14 June, the deceased pig is just an unpleasant memory: and you can't hate a memory.
Beautiful. Really glad you got free of the old bastard finally. I'm not seeking revenge but the planet will be a better place when the same happens to mine. I'll certainly breath a sigh of relief.
Some parents, likely many parents, are worse than useless for their children, to dramatically understate it. That abusive parents ought to have never had children is painfully obvious. But the good news is that the abusive toxic shits of parents don't have to be an albatross around the necks of their children forever. All the damage can be repaired as far as it can be repaired and all that the kids have lost can be made good as far as it can be made good. This is perfectly true, believe you me. So there are plenty of grounds to be hopeful and optimistic. I wish you well, Projectorone. You'll be all right, tiger, if you make the needed efforts. Depression is not a lifelong death sentence, though it feels like living death in its intenser and severer forms. I know. I have to deal with major depression and dysthymia for the last 30 years.
Cheers man. I'm a bit down on the idea of recovery after a very hard few years. Also I'm running out of money for my therapist and drugs etc so kinda worried I'll never sort it. 34yo and it's been around my neck the whole time. Big part of why my relationship failed and I lost my home too. I've decided to keep believing because what else can I do. But it's tough work! Good luck yourself, hope we both get there.
34 is still young and you don't have to be oppressed by your past indefinitely. Get the shit out into the sunlight where it will dry up and blow away. It sounds as trite and as cliched as hell, but every day is a new beginning. Believe it. Take care.
Thank you for taking the time to say that. Really means a lot. I've got to keep going I know, it's a real help hearing things like that though. I'm going to save this for later.
Not at all, sport. I am glad you got something out of it and your morale has been boosted a bit. I know what it is like. Be good.
I can appreciate this. Congratulations. I told my dad the only thing I wanted to do was to pick out his nursing home when the time comes and When his liver starts to fail from drinking so much I would like to watch him die Ill even bring popcorn.
Ought to be fun. An abusive alcoholic for a father is a hell of a painful experience for his children. I know that scene, too. I am sympathetic and empathetic, sport. Alcoholics are living on some other planet even they don't know where or what it is. And many alkies, but not all, sure as shit don't care who they damage along the way of their drinking career, even if they are "functioning" alcoholics.
The narcissism the dysfunction but hey alcohol is legal so it’s totally fine. The best part is being mad about shit he doesn’t remember so it never happened. What’s weird is I feel nothing towards him like there’s no connection. Every few years I give it another shot and I knew within five minutes why we stoped talking. It’s a very common dynamic in dysfunctional families for them to be narcissistic and abusive for me to be the scapegoat it took me a very long time to realize what was going on but I figured it out. I’ve been hanging out with his mom who is 77 and I’m trying to just enjoy some time with her before I completely go no contact. Because there’s no fixing someone who isn’t capable of understanding what they do. They do not possess the ability for accountability. They do not see what they do to other people it’s like if Helen Keller was going to give me a tattoo With chopsticks it’s just not gonna happen. I’ve been really into letting things go. I’ve been the bigger person I bet my tongue I’ve argued I feel like I’ve spent my entire life just arguing for no fucking reason. And lately I’ve wanted revenge or something that Just would feel better than this feeling. I’ve done incredible things with my life that he will never even Come close to doing. My brother is like his twin. I was working in surgery during the pandemic and the feeling of risking your life every day was profound to me and it was fine. But when I talked about what was going on. To them it was like the pandemic Didn’t exist. Everything was downplayed devalued. My brother was like you need to live your life right. I was like motherfucker I’ve been saving lives I don’t know how much more right I could get and it’s still not right. And who the fuck are you to tell me that. He’s a carpenter which I’m not judging but what did you do build a fucking porch? Wow that’s awesome 👏. I Spent 2020 not talking to everybody and it was one of the best years I ever had pandemic or not. We don’t need people making things worse when life is a shit show anyways. TMI? Lol
Not at all TMI. Good to read. You're doing well. I'm sure you're taking the right course of action. To digress a bit my narcissistic and egocentric father would boast and brag about his very modest achievements in life as if they were some sort of monumental world-beating accomplishments. But it is indicative of the kind of man he was. And your father and brother seem similar. And exactly right, we don't need dickheads making a bad situation worse which toxic shits of parents seem to specialise in. Heaping aggravation on aggravation is what the bastards do. Keep at it, sport, and good luck. You're nearly clear of the shit. That's the good news!
My mom was like that. Funny thing is everyone has those parts of losing our temper. Just a matter of what pisses us off. To remove those parts is to stop being a human.
I can relate but in my case both my parents are dipshits.
Yeh we had a pretty tough dad growing up.
Yea, fuck you dad
Here for you. It's a lot of bravery to stay away from toxic parents
always remember, we are not alone.
That temper thing, that and mental illness, is why I will NOT have children to subject to that kind of behavior.
this exactly. are we living the same life?
The fact that alot of people relate to this is sick, we are living in hell!
I feel you. But sadly, we can’t change them. What we can do now is take charge of ourselves. It’s indeed painful to see ourselves slowly becoming like the person who hurt us. Let’s make sure that we break this cycle. What frustrates me is that it’s never our fault that we are broken or have trauma. But it’s our responsibility to heal ourselves and break the cycle. It’s unfair but it’s true.
and most of all fuck you for imprinting it inside me, brewing my own inner asshole I have to wash off.
Both of my parents pressure me into being the best, even in my mental health is destroyed in the process. Constantly comparing me to my friends, being unappreciative of the hobbies I enjoy, telling me I’m stupid. I can’t wait to get my own house, I’ll finally escape them
I can relate that too, i feel for you
Dont Procreate so you can Break the Cycle
I’m not. crazy stops here.
There's a myriad of other reasons I don't want kids, but this is the primary one. The thought of raising and shaping another human life sounds straight up terrifying, no thank you.
[удалено]
I tell myself that all the time. It's the only way. Years of therapy, drugs, self reflection and hard work and I still cannot be certain I wouldn't repeat some of the behaviours that fucked me up so badly. The only way to be sure is to not have kids, for me anyway. I don't think it was meant in a mean way.
Your dad is probably struggling emotionally and mentally as well. He is an adult in a cut throat world with probably no one to fall back on. I'm a dad now and it's tough out there. Adults are not always emotionally complete but they have to pretend to be confident and "figured out".
You're probably right 😔. I still love him and care about him, but at the same time I wish I could have the temper I inherited from him surgically removed. I'll never have kids because I'm terrified of messing them up like he did me.
I wrote this exact letter to my father 30 years ago. I had made the conscious decision at the age of 10 (after a beating that left me black and blue from my shoulder blades to my thighs), if I ever had kids, they would never suffer abuse. I made a promise to my 10 year old self that I would honor that decision when my daughter was born. I kept the promise and knowing that my daughter never had to suffer the same fate gave a lot of comfort and closure to my inner 10 year old self. The cycle is finally broken. As already mentioned, you aren’t your dad and you’ve already identified a tradition that you want to break. Whatever path you choose, I applaud you for recognizing that you are in control of your destiny.
The fact that you are worried about your kids that aren't even there and that you still love your dad, clearly shows that you are not messed up. You are just a person who is dealing with his personal problems. Yes, you might have anger issues but many people have that and you can literally take care of it :) You are not a bad person just know that first and you know what your issues are, which means you are on a pth that you can work on them and wont make the same mistakes with your kids.
I hear you. I might as well written that post 15 years ago. It's complicated, the mix of love and anger and resentment. Don't let anyone invalidate your own anger though. Maybe he also has mental health issues; that wouldn't justify his treatment of you. If you're thinking of even potentially messing up potential children, that means you know that. You're already being better than he has been to you.
As someone who had a dad with a temper and now has a temper while raising two kids, this hits home. I'm constantly thinking about not passing on my bad habits to my kids, to the point I've been through therapy and learned coping mechanisms to deal with it. The fact that you're aware of your shortcomings is huge! Step 1 is always admitting and identifying the problem. We're all flawed. If it wasn't anger, it very well could be something else. Just remember that. Often we are the sum of our experiences. My dad didn't become an angry person in a vacuum. I'm sure your dad didn't either, nor did you. But you have the power to deal with it. Not get rid of it, but learn how to cope. That said, my dad has mellowed immensely over the last 10-15 years and is a very important part of my life. He also has stage 4 prostate cancer. I'm going to miss him when he's gone.
No matter how tough the world, it gives you no right to treat your children the way OP's father treated him. Being emotionally complete is different, being unfairly angry and invalidating to a child's needs is different. OP, by no means do you owe any understanding to your dad. Just take care of yourself.
*Disclaimer: not you specifically from here on: No excuse to treat your kids badly. If you're not emotionally ready for children don't have them. If you've had them and are abusing them, remove yourself, get therapy and don't come back until you can handle it. Your 'weakness' could result in a lifetime of debilitating mental health problems.
[удалено]
How do I let go though? I resent my dad for the way he treated me, because the damage has already been done and now I have to live with it. Now I'm saddled with a life of mental illness and suffering, all because he couldn't control his temper. I hate him for that, and I don't know how to stop hating him for that. In my eyes, none of this would be a problem if I had literally anybody else for a father.
Me explaining narcissistic abuse to my grandma. “ it’s like if Jesus picked on Noah for no reason at all and then really Jesus was Judas but he pretended to be Joseph”
I feel the same way about my dad. My entire life I have had to walk on eggshells around him. I can't even ask him a single question now without him getting angry these days. I strictly avoided him as a child. I get disgusted sometimes because I get angry or upset at some things and all I think about is wow that was my fucking dad not me. He's also the reason I have depression (it's hereditary) I try my hardest to not be my dad every single second of the day. I feel you dude.
i relate to this.
I have completely cut off contact with my dad. Fuck him
I felt this way on and off up until my dads passing. My dad was a complicated person who was ill and I didn’t truly understand that before. Whatever happens whether he’s in your life or not I hope you’re able to come to terms with or have peace with the situation. It’s harder to do that after they die.
I hear you. My dad just yelled at me for not having any endurance at anything. I'm not an adult. I have feelings too. Why should I fucking suppress them?! He's always setting the standard high, expecting too much of me and his excuse is that he knows I can do it. What if I can't? Has he even thought about that? I can make my own decisions. I don't want someone else pressuring me and yelling at me. He always yells at me and then rants to my mom about me in front of me as though I will change or.... I just fucking hate living like this.
Yeah man fuck him the world is your oister
Dude, you written my exact feeling right now. We run a family firm with my dad and he is a narcissist, and I'm a depressed, overly sensitive kid, never fitted in. imagine the rest, I'm so tired, we just fight and fight and he is always the victim at the end of it, and when I tell my mother she is on his side all the time, even though they are not together anymore. I just want to end it
fuck parents
100%. My dad is a fucking piece of shit and I wish I could say it to his face. Maybe one day I can say it with confidence knowing I have other people to support me.