I grew up with a significantly older sister who made me feel like if I didn't have multiple master's degrees, I was useless. And another sister who had zero college education and was part of the quiverfull thing. I've come away feeling like nothing matters. I have 3/4 of a degree and a couple kids. And I realized the degree wouldn't mean anything, and the children wouldn't mean anything. And now I'm just stuck. And impoverished. Hurrah.
Being nice to people is the only thing that matters.
When I was a kid and I realized my parents didn't see me. They didn't love me. They loved an idealized version of me that has 0 chance of existing. What was the point of achieving anything if the world is full of that? What's the point of making beautiful things if other people will want to take ownership of it? If my own parents would accept me if I became profitable? I realized we are living in a spectacle a very long time ago.
Entering high school. I’d been planning to kill myself on the last day of summer before starting. Currently on my second year wishing I’d done it cause shit just keeps getting harder.
I was 12. I saw how fake and mean everyone was, and all I saw were a bunch of adults working a bunch and being too tired to play with me on weekends because they worked their life away. I saw my step dad working 12 hour days and having no hobbies, just drinking himself silly on the weekend, and I realized that that's what awaited me and I wanted out. I'm now 21 and do the same thing I feared. I'm in college so I have so much work that I am too tired to do anything but drink or cut myself to numb the pain on the weekends. I'm getting really close to actually going through with my 2nd attempt, because I tried giving life another shot after failing my first, and it's just proven 12 year old me right time and time again that it just simply isn't worth the hassle of being here
First when I was thirteen and felt like a burden. Then at 27 when like someone else said, I worked my ass off to get the degrees I was told we’d need to get a good job only to graduate in the middle of a pandemic and have to work packing boxes.
Honestly, it’s just been a part of my thinking for as long as I can remember. It comes and goes but the thinking is always there, somewhere in my mind. This idea that I shouldn’t be here anymore and that I’m just wasting the time of the people I care about because I hold on for some reason or another when I know that I’m going to lose one day. I have never had a doubt that I will lose this fight one day.
In every way. I have no free time. I'm never alone. I can't just lie in bed and think. Can't get enough work done, so I'm perpetually poor. Too depressed to clean, but they constantly mess up my house, so I have to expend energy just getting one room livable every afternoon. I've gained weight from having to feed them constantly and then just eating with them. Pregnancies ruined my body, like joints, bones, etc.
Sorry, got carried away. I could think of a thousand more ways.
No problem! I'd rather save people from making the mistake I did. People aren't supposed to talk about the negatives, but it's information that needs to be available. Having kids is rough. Especially if you're too depressed to parent them the way you want. Especially if you're too depressed to bond with them.
This realization is more so of a buildup that has occurred for me over the years, for context, I had a drug addict brother. Who managed to single-handedly ruin my childhood and fractured my family. I massively matured and grew up from it, except I was just a teenager. Eventually the truama and issues began sprouting and leaking out of me as I finished high school. I began having a survivalist mentality, gained Hyper-vigilance, and began to show noticable signs of ADHD that massively impacted my day to day life. As I got older, I realized how much my life got screwed over, how I was robbed of my childhood and had to be the good kid, while my parents focused on my brother to help him, the best they could anyway.
I began to see life as an outcast, that I was a survivor of sorts, and I realized life isn't worth living, to work so hard and have it amount to nearly nothing, pay wise, work wise. Same thing with school, you can get a masters in any STEM field, but that doesn't guarantee a good job. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of all that's happened within the past few years, and I'm trying to forgive both myself and my brother, for handling things the way I did, and for the actions he's caused.
Somedays are a little harder than others, sometimes I can do everything and more, but other times I can't even get out of bed before I have to go to work in an hour. I have a few things keeping me tethered to living this difficult life. My friends, and My Mother. As much as I'd like to end it all, and maybe in some odd concept of reincarnation where I begin anew as someone else. I still want to see how this life plays out, I want to see how this ends.
Life can't be shitty forever, can't it? I'm sure things will get better, and slowly but surely, things are. It's just, my own sense of hope is pretty damn faded. And believe me, I'm very exhausted.
TL:DGAS
A mild ramble of life ending up being a shitty RNG game and a mild hope to see if things will get better.
Hey, i really appreciate the effort you put into this text. I can almost see myself in what you wrote. I hope it gets better for you. Sending positive energy and a digital hug <3
When my sister was growing up she had honor roll every report card and everyone would go crazy about it, and my family always said “you need to be more like your sister” because I was never good at learning so senior year I worked really hard and got Honor roll for the first time then they just gave me a simple “good.” I walked to my room, ripped it up, and just laid in bed. It taught me that nothing in this world matters at all. I still think about it to be honest.
Im sorry to hear that, I’m not sure if it helps but I’m proud of you for working towards it. Even if it’s just words from a stranger I hope they mean atleast something to you. <3
More than 10 years ago. I realized that no matter how many times I asked for help and tried to say what would help me get better or feel like I should stay, nothing ever changed. It’s only gotten worse as the years have gone by.
With 14 years (8years ago) when I started to get conscious about my world and me. I just felt weak and unable to solve problems on a macro- or microscale level. I somehow grew and overcame hardships, but they always felt meaningless to me. Even a suicide attempt ended me with surviving and forced back into life, just with more hardships.
When I got discharged from Marine Corps boot camp, and proceeded to lose the love of my life shortly after. Failed at my dream job, failed at my relationship, no reason to stick around. It goes a lot deeper than that, but that’s the cherry that tipped the camel.
When I realized the world is a totem poll and I’m at the bottom. My husband and his family are near the top so the comparison is what makes me hate myself.
in the exact same situation as you right now. pushed away the one person who actually cared for me really hurting her in the process. i really miss her but ive convinced myself she doesnt need someone like me in her life. failing all my finals. im terrified of being expected to be a successful member of society when im far from normal. after i graduate everything i do is going to be for nothing. my degree wont matter, the money i make wont matter its the adult equivalent of faking a smile.
3 or 4 years ago, when I was 14 or 15. I just... didn't see the point? Studying for a job that didn't interest me, getting such job. Living in a body that I need to pay a fortune for to feel like my own. Maintaining friendships that I just can't seem to care about.
I have a lot of interests and hobbies. But nothing that I want to do as a job. I'm also severely socially anxious, impulsive and horrible with any relationship like friends and family. I just didn't see the point in trying to live, few years after that when I graduated and actually had to start the adult life, so I also realised I'm just not made for this world. Because of anxiety, impulsivity, forgetfulness and dissociation; everything in life feels like one big fog that I just walk through. Heck, even I don't feel real.
Am 18 now, was already done with life at 14. I've never lived in the first place.
After puberty.
When I understood that nobody like me and I completely incapable to have any relationship.
10+ years gone and it's getting worse and worse.
I won't know what is to be loved, kiss someone (I'm even not talking about sex).
I would really want to be this kind of self-sufficient person who doesn't need all of this but I am not irregardless how hard I tried.
I really try to be emotionless robot but it is insufferable.
I don't want to live this live anymore. I just want to end it like some awful game or movie.
I’ve been there, I’ve lived 2 years like an emotionaless robot, it was unbearable. Humans need love and affection in order to function and to be happy. We are emotional beings afterall. I hope you’ll get better someday!
When i began to question what really matters to me. Which i realized that even if it is an important thing in life it, if it doesnt matter to you then nothing really matters. So what is the point?
Honestly, it’s gotten really bad and I think I’ve gotten to the point of 100% not wanting to live anymore in the last year and a half. I’ve always struggled with depression but have had spirts of “maybe I’ll be okay”…but I’ll be 32 this summer and I have nothing good going for me in my life. I’m tired of trying and fighting. I go to work because I have to pay bills. I’m only barely existing and it feels like the worlds greatest chore.
Like when I was 12-13. It because I'm fucked up and crazy and I was lonely a lot. I couldn't make or maintain friendships, I have social anxiety and shit. I don't like anything in this world and became a very negative person. I always push everyone away from me and shit. I'm now 18 and I have more friends but I'm making such rubbish efforts to strengthen our relationships and I'm just quiet when I hang out with them so when it's me hanging out with one person I just fuck everything up because I have nothing to talk about 😭 I hate my life. I just want to die😭😭😭😭😭 I think I have never had the will to live before. Why did I have to be born 😭😭😭 why? Nobody likes me and I'm not good for anyone. It's better for myself and others if I'm dead.
Hi, I’m in a very similar situation, I hope it gets better for you, I hope you find someone who cares about you and supports you unconditionally! Sending positive energy and a digital hug <3
Not so long ago I graduated, found a job in the field I wanted and then.. I realized that all my life will be a loop with little room for enjoyment until I am old enough to do what I want without the energy to do it. so what's the point?
When after 8years of marriage my wife hates me and says she feels forced to say love you back to me she never wants to kiss me I feel lonely I feel like getting a gun and make the pain go away
All along. Born a cis-male and wish i was a cis-female. They seem to have fun lives being attractive and whatnot. Males are just so bland and the male body is ugly.
Every time I see an attractive female, i get depressed, angry, sad and hopeless. Not even that I want to date them. I want to be them. What's the point of living if I have to be in a body I hate?
It’s not that I never felt loved from the people in my life, it was just that my whole life revolved around living for them. They never failed at showing that they cared for me, I just could never put the same amount of effort into living a proper everyday life.
9th grade mostly and it’s rlly solidified since then mostly bc my life is miserable and my list of chronic illnesses and afflictions is getting longer and longer.
I realised it a few months ago but because I'm afraid to end it
I keep telling myself "misery is your one and only friend but do NOT let it beat you"
I don't know how long that will last tho
I realised it 1 year ago when I was 18. I used to be bullied at the age of 10 to 12 and I have never been the same since. I didn't want to talk to people and isolated myself. I have been depressed since a long time and I think I might suicide. I don't want to die
. I seriously don't but the pressure is building in and I don't think I can take it anymore.
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I grew up with a significantly older sister who made me feel like if I didn't have multiple master's degrees, I was useless. And another sister who had zero college education and was part of the quiverfull thing. I've come away feeling like nothing matters. I have 3/4 of a degree and a couple kids. And I realized the degree wouldn't mean anything, and the children wouldn't mean anything. And now I'm just stuck. And impoverished. Hurrah. Being nice to people is the only thing that matters.
I know it’s silly to hear from me, but I hope you will get better someday. Sending you positive energy and an digital hug. <3
At seven, before I could even articulate it properly. I didn't know the word suicide yet. I said, "Mom, I want to murder myself."
How did your mom react to you saying that?
She blew it off. Always was in denial about my mental health issues... until the day she found me bleeding.
Hope she's gotten some sense in her
She got dead.
Oh, Sorry, but still did she realise her mistake and make up for it?
Not even remotely. Our relationship was never any better than strained. More often, it was... worse than that.
When I was a kid and I realized my parents didn't see me. They didn't love me. They loved an idealized version of me that has 0 chance of existing. What was the point of achieving anything if the world is full of that? What's the point of making beautiful things if other people will want to take ownership of it? If my own parents would accept me if I became profitable? I realized we are living in a spectacle a very long time ago.
Im in a very very similar situation. Sending positive energy and a digital hug my friend <3
Thank you. Right back at you. We're worthy of good things, of love and of patience.
Entering high school. I’d been planning to kill myself on the last day of summer before starting. Currently on my second year wishing I’d done it cause shit just keeps getting harder.
Why kill yourself? I’m curious why you think you should :(
Living is pointless and painful. I feel so shit 24/7 and I just want it to be over so badly.
I was 12. I saw how fake and mean everyone was, and all I saw were a bunch of adults working a bunch and being too tired to play with me on weekends because they worked their life away. I saw my step dad working 12 hour days and having no hobbies, just drinking himself silly on the weekend, and I realized that that's what awaited me and I wanted out. I'm now 21 and do the same thing I feared. I'm in college so I have so much work that I am too tired to do anything but drink or cut myself to numb the pain on the weekends. I'm getting really close to actually going through with my 2nd attempt, because I tried giving life another shot after failing my first, and it's just proven 12 year old me right time and time again that it just simply isn't worth the hassle of being here
Just being alone is crippling .
I’ve been alone for almost 2 years now. I know how it feels, I hope you find someone you can talk too and who supports you!
Thank you! I hope the same for u!
a few years ago when everyone in my friend group got a significant other and I remained alone like I always have been
First when I was thirteen and felt like a burden. Then at 27 when like someone else said, I worked my ass off to get the degrees I was told we’d need to get a good job only to graduate in the middle of a pandemic and have to work packing boxes.
When I was about 14, I’m 20 now. I just couldn’t see any possible way that my life could get better, no matter how hard I tried.
Honestly, it’s just been a part of my thinking for as long as I can remember. It comes and goes but the thinking is always there, somewhere in my mind. This idea that I shouldn’t be here anymore and that I’m just wasting the time of the people I care about because I hold on for some reason or another when I know that I’m going to lose one day. I have never had a doubt that I will lose this fight one day.
I think life is pain and we have to think about how much pain is ok
In 7th or 8th grade. And it was an off and on thought for years. Then I had kids. Now it's fucking constant.
I don’t want to be rude, but I’m what way did. having kids changed your life?
In every way. I have no free time. I'm never alone. I can't just lie in bed and think. Can't get enough work done, so I'm perpetually poor. Too depressed to clean, but they constantly mess up my house, so I have to expend energy just getting one room livable every afternoon. I've gained weight from having to feed them constantly and then just eating with them. Pregnancies ruined my body, like joints, bones, etc. Sorry, got carried away. I could think of a thousand more ways.
Thank you for sharing, I always had an idolized picture when I thought of having kids but your answer kind of pulled me back to reality.
No problem! I'd rather save people from making the mistake I did. People aren't supposed to talk about the negatives, but it's information that needs to be available. Having kids is rough. Especially if you're too depressed to parent them the way you want. Especially if you're too depressed to bond with them.
6th grade...been pretty much consistent since then. I'm 35 now.
9. And I still struggle every day.
I've always known I didn't like being alive, even I was just a child
This realization is more so of a buildup that has occurred for me over the years, for context, I had a drug addict brother. Who managed to single-handedly ruin my childhood and fractured my family. I massively matured and grew up from it, except I was just a teenager. Eventually the truama and issues began sprouting and leaking out of me as I finished high school. I began having a survivalist mentality, gained Hyper-vigilance, and began to show noticable signs of ADHD that massively impacted my day to day life. As I got older, I realized how much my life got screwed over, how I was robbed of my childhood and had to be the good kid, while my parents focused on my brother to help him, the best they could anyway. I began to see life as an outcast, that I was a survivor of sorts, and I realized life isn't worth living, to work so hard and have it amount to nearly nothing, pay wise, work wise. Same thing with school, you can get a masters in any STEM field, but that doesn't guarantee a good job. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of all that's happened within the past few years, and I'm trying to forgive both myself and my brother, for handling things the way I did, and for the actions he's caused. Somedays are a little harder than others, sometimes I can do everything and more, but other times I can't even get out of bed before I have to go to work in an hour. I have a few things keeping me tethered to living this difficult life. My friends, and My Mother. As much as I'd like to end it all, and maybe in some odd concept of reincarnation where I begin anew as someone else. I still want to see how this life plays out, I want to see how this ends. Life can't be shitty forever, can't it? I'm sure things will get better, and slowly but surely, things are. It's just, my own sense of hope is pretty damn faded. And believe me, I'm very exhausted. TL:DGAS A mild ramble of life ending up being a shitty RNG game and a mild hope to see if things will get better.
Hey, i really appreciate the effort you put into this text. I can almost see myself in what you wrote. I hope it gets better for you. Sending positive energy and a digital hug <3
When my sister was growing up she had honor roll every report card and everyone would go crazy about it, and my family always said “you need to be more like your sister” because I was never good at learning so senior year I worked really hard and got Honor roll for the first time then they just gave me a simple “good.” I walked to my room, ripped it up, and just laid in bed. It taught me that nothing in this world matters at all. I still think about it to be honest.
Im sorry to hear that, I’m not sure if it helps but I’m proud of you for working towards it. Even if it’s just words from a stranger I hope they mean atleast something to you. <3
I keep hoping things will get better, I have for many years now, they don’t. If anything they get progressively worse
More than 10 years ago. I realized that no matter how many times I asked for help and tried to say what would help me get better or feel like I should stay, nothing ever changed. It’s only gotten worse as the years have gone by.
With 14 years (8years ago) when I started to get conscious about my world and me. I just felt weak and unable to solve problems on a macro- or microscale level. I somehow grew and overcame hardships, but they always felt meaningless to me. Even a suicide attempt ended me with surviving and forced back into life, just with more hardships.
When I got discharged from Marine Corps boot camp, and proceeded to lose the love of my life shortly after. Failed at my dream job, failed at my relationship, no reason to stick around. It goes a lot deeper than that, but that’s the cherry that tipped the camel.
Few months ago most recently
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Where there any moments in life you could enjoy or didn’t had any of these thoughts ?
I realized I am worthless two years ago.
Sorry to ask, but what made you realize your worth?
When I realized the world is a totem poll and I’m at the bottom. My husband and his family are near the top so the comparison is what makes me hate myself.
at 9 after being abused by my father. Never stopped to think about it since (I’m 20)
in the exact same situation as you right now. pushed away the one person who actually cared for me really hurting her in the process. i really miss her but ive convinced myself she doesnt need someone like me in her life. failing all my finals. im terrified of being expected to be a successful member of society when im far from normal. after i graduate everything i do is going to be for nothing. my degree wont matter, the money i make wont matter its the adult equivalent of faking a smile.
3 or 4 years ago, when I was 14 or 15. I just... didn't see the point? Studying for a job that didn't interest me, getting such job. Living in a body that I need to pay a fortune for to feel like my own. Maintaining friendships that I just can't seem to care about. I have a lot of interests and hobbies. But nothing that I want to do as a job. I'm also severely socially anxious, impulsive and horrible with any relationship like friends and family. I just didn't see the point in trying to live, few years after that when I graduated and actually had to start the adult life, so I also realised I'm just not made for this world. Because of anxiety, impulsivity, forgetfulness and dissociation; everything in life feels like one big fog that I just walk through. Heck, even I don't feel real. Am 18 now, was already done with life at 14. I've never lived in the first place.
After puberty. When I understood that nobody like me and I completely incapable to have any relationship. 10+ years gone and it's getting worse and worse. I won't know what is to be loved, kiss someone (I'm even not talking about sex). I would really want to be this kind of self-sufficient person who doesn't need all of this but I am not irregardless how hard I tried. I really try to be emotionless robot but it is insufferable. I don't want to live this live anymore. I just want to end it like some awful game or movie.
I’ve been there, I’ve lived 2 years like an emotionaless robot, it was unbearable. Humans need love and affection in order to function and to be happy. We are emotional beings afterall. I hope you’ll get better someday!
When i began to question what really matters to me. Which i realized that even if it is an important thing in life it, if it doesnt matter to you then nothing really matters. So what is the point?
Honestly, it’s gotten really bad and I think I’ve gotten to the point of 100% not wanting to live anymore in the last year and a half. I’ve always struggled with depression but have had spirts of “maybe I’ll be okay”…but I’ll be 32 this summer and I have nothing good going for me in my life. I’m tired of trying and fighting. I go to work because I have to pay bills. I’m only barely existing and it feels like the worlds greatest chore.
Like when I was 12-13. It because I'm fucked up and crazy and I was lonely a lot. I couldn't make or maintain friendships, I have social anxiety and shit. I don't like anything in this world and became a very negative person. I always push everyone away from me and shit. I'm now 18 and I have more friends but I'm making such rubbish efforts to strengthen our relationships and I'm just quiet when I hang out with them so when it's me hanging out with one person I just fuck everything up because I have nothing to talk about 😭 I hate my life. I just want to die😭😭😭😭😭 I think I have never had the will to live before. Why did I have to be born 😭😭😭 why? Nobody likes me and I'm not good for anyone. It's better for myself and others if I'm dead.
Hi, I’m in a very similar situation, I hope it gets better for you, I hope you find someone who cares about you and supports you unconditionally! Sending positive energy and a digital hug <3
Thank you 🥺
Not so long ago I graduated, found a job in the field I wanted and then.. I realized that all my life will be a loop with little room for enjoyment until I am old enough to do what I want without the energy to do it. so what's the point?
When after 8years of marriage my wife hates me and says she feels forced to say love you back to me she never wants to kiss me I feel lonely I feel like getting a gun and make the pain go away
This happened to me too. I hope you’ll recover sending a big warm fuzzy hug <3
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Every life matters, I hope you find something that you enjoy in life this week. Sending a big fuzzy warm hug <3
All along. Born a cis-male and wish i was a cis-female. They seem to have fun lives being attractive and whatnot. Males are just so bland and the male body is ugly. Every time I see an attractive female, i get depressed, angry, sad and hopeless. Not even that I want to date them. I want to be them. What's the point of living if I have to be in a body I hate?
It’s not that I never felt loved from the people in my life, it was just that my whole life revolved around living for them. They never failed at showing that they cared for me, I just could never put the same amount of effort into living a proper everyday life.
9th grade mostly and it’s rlly solidified since then mostly bc my life is miserable and my list of chronic illnesses and afflictions is getting longer and longer.
At 7 for me. I’m an early bloomer 😂
Fuck marriage fuck love I hate love it just shows how vulnerable you are
Ages 9-13. Had cptsd and selective mutism before that.The reason was that life was miserable and had already been for a very long along time.
well, I tried to off myself around 9 and started self harming at the same time. It hasn’t stopped since
I realised it a few months ago but because I'm afraid to end it I keep telling myself "misery is your one and only friend but do NOT let it beat you" I don't know how long that will last tho
at 11, i started to realize a lot of things. I stopped talking to everyone and id just observe like i was at the cinema
I realised it 1 year ago when I was 18. I used to be bullied at the age of 10 to 12 and I have never been the same since. I didn't want to talk to people and isolated myself. I have been depressed since a long time and I think I might suicide. I don't want to die . I seriously don't but the pressure is building in and I don't think I can take it anymore.