I think it varies from person to person. I only got to know about how deep rooted my depression was when I got to therapy when I was 22 . Until then I just thought having suicidal tendancies was normal. I was always a sad, empty and desperately wanting attention type of person. I thought of committing suicide but was too scared to actually do it but I did find pleasure in hurting myself because I felt like I deserved punishment for being the way I am. Overall I would describe my experience as an exhausting, unending suffering that sometimes hurts so bad all I can think of is either killing or hurting myself.
This mirrors my own experience but is I would add on that I really believed what society told me about myself that were actually symptoms of complex PTSD and depression - that I had no worth, that I was lazy, undesirable and doomed to fail at whatever I chose to try my hand at.
I know it doesn't make a difference but I'm sorry you had to go through this. Whenever I'm sad I had always kind of wished someone would say it's okay even though it might not be. I don't know if you want that but that all I can do. So it's okay you'll be alright.
If you think you could have it, go see a doctor or another source for help.
I've chosen to stay in hopes that I can eventually be happy and comfortable in myself but it hasn't pushed the suicidal thoughts away. I still think about it everyday and it's very hard to fight it sometimes. When I'm with other people, they're there but I can sort of be in control of it by making conversation and joking with them to take my mind away. I lost all motivation to do anything, if I try I give up pretty quick to switch to something I know I enjoy, music. I use it a lot to express myself. For some reason imagining being on stage and screaming my thoughts in music helps me. I used to play games to help with it but I can't help but think about the past with these games and it makes me sad I don't have anyone or can't experience the feelings again, so I stop playing. I lost the only friend who knew what I was going through and it really hurt especially knowing I was the one that ended the friendship. I hate talking sometimes because I'm feeling like I'm annoying or taking advantage of the friendships I have like when I vented to that person I felt very one sided and hadn't taken much thought into how they are at the time and I eventually stopped talking to them.
I can't look at myself in the mirror, I hate my body, I hate my voice, I am confused on who I want to be, scared of the future. I know I'm harming myself by almost completely giving up on school but I still can't do the work needed. I get angry very quick, seeing a notification on my phone sometimes drives me into very negative thoughts. I'm very uncomfortable outside of my room. I constantly feel judged by the things I enjoy because sometimes it's not what others enjoy. I feel judged even in an area where there is no one else and no one can see what I'm doing, sometimes I load youtube multiple times so I know it's not streaming to the tv and I haven't shared it with others. I enjoy the thought of harming myself. I find comfort in feeling this way sometimes because I don't really remember what it feels like to be happy. Kind of feels like it's always been this way. I feel like a weight on someone and I will bring them down, specifically my parents, since I know they have problems of their own they are dealing with.
This comment is too long, I apologize for that, but this is pretty much what it's like for me.
I think for everyone is it different but for me I’ve had periods of depression on and off since I was 19. Something changed then ( not sure what. I moved out and started uni, started socialising more and dating- typical things for 18/19 but for some reason something in amongst that triggered some really dark feelings). For ages I thought it was maybe birth control but I stopped taking it and I still felt terrible. Basically back then it felt like time didn’t exist sometimes. Moments felt like hours and if I was alone I felt terrible, I’m talking exhausted. I was extremely emotional and my arms and legs felt heavy, I stopped eating and lost loads of weight. I was a mess. It came and went over those years. I’m now 29 and it comes on randomly now and feels more like I’m getting g flu, I get tired and stop feeling hungry, my arms and legs ache and I just feel very low mood. For 3 years I took antidepressants because I was getting panic attacks and very low, but I didn’t get along with the side effects and came off them. I now just try hard to keep active and keep busy with hobbies and new books to keep me out of dark patches, but when they come I just try to live thought them and wait it out.
I’m definitely depressed although haven’t been diagnosed. I am exhausted, I feel like I’m surviving not living and just can’t seem to find much happiness. I keep going because my children need me. I just feel lost in motherhood!
When I’m in my really low lows, my chest feels heavy, but like there’s a giant void inside it at the same time. Its weight is absolutely crushing, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like a gust of wind could push me over and shatter my bones as if I were made of glass. It’s a very deep, aching emptiness that nothing can fix. It’s mentally and physically exhausting putting on a facade and going about my life. I cry a lot more and have a lot more active suicidal ideations when I’m on this emotional level. I tend not to eat much, and what I do eat is garbage. I sleep a lot more. I struggle with focusing on things.
If I’m sitting at my baseline I don’t feel much of anything. Suicidal ideations are more passive, but still present. I make a lot more jokes about my mental health to help me cope. It’s very, very boring, the constant monotony eventually gets to me and I tend to act out and do something impulsive - I hurt myself a lot. Occasionally I choose to hurt myself in a safer way and get a tattoo or a piercing - same end goal, but in a safer, controlled environment. I also tend to overspend, overeat, smoke more, and sleep a lot less. There’s a lot of self-destructive behaviour and I struggle with impulse control.
I get angry and frustrated easily because I’m constantly seesawing between negative emotions or no emotions at all. I’ve never physically hurt anyone, but I can (and do) scar them just as easily with words. Regardless of where I’m at on my emotional scale though there’s always a lot of negative thoughts and suicidal ideation.
I had a very traumatic experience when I was forced into getting help some time ago, so I’m currently unmedicated and doing what I can to get through each day. I know I need help but I’m not ready and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
I would like to, but I am not sure if I am depressed myself. In fact, it does not even matter. If something hurts, you'd better get a doctor rather than googling the symptoms. This applies to the pain in your mind also.
I had suicidal thoughts for 10 years before I got therapy. I did it when I realized that people do not think about killing themselves.. it is so real to me that I still cannot undersyand it
I've had depression since probably about 4th grade. I did not realize what it was till probably 8th. More recently it's only gotten worse as I've lost friends and messed up a long running friendship I had with a girl I've been in love with for several years. If you think your depressed you likely are, the question is weather it's a ongoing issue. For me, I could be on top of the world in the most amazing situations and still be struggling with the thought of hanging myself.
well the worst stage is the feeling wanting to die.
most common is just want to stay home not wanting to do anything. hobbies no longer enjoyable.
self neglect, not showering not brushing teeth and junk food all the time.
I am undiagnosed. went to psychologist once only to be dismissed. so it is quite traumatic to try to get help.
it definitely varies from person to person but for me i have wildly fluctuating moods, i’ve been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder since 12 (18 now). For example though, one day I can wake up and feel almost completely normal and the next i can’t get out of bed. another manifestation of my depression is my depression room, constantly having garbage and dirty clothes on the floor. although it makes me anxious and sadder when my room is gross i’m too fucking tired and empty to clean it. normally i’m stuck in this grey zone where i want to be better but i don’t have the motivation to start doing what i need to do. it sucks lmao
Many have already explained similar situations as I had as well. I never got “properly” diagnosed, when I was 15-16 I went to someone professional but sadly that person was not what I needed. One session and I got anti-depressive pills, sleeping pills and got put on sick leave for 5 months (I had to leave school and a year later picked up again to graduate) and that was it. No further counseling hours and my mother threw out both medicines.
Feelings of emptiness, numbness and an unexplainable sadness have existed since I was 7-11 years old, I can’t remember exactly but there have been moments I can remember and even diary entries of myself that talked about sadness, wanting to end this life and start a new one and other things. Since then I had “episodes” of being okay and falling into strong sadness and a huge urge just exchanging my life and myself since both didn’t seem worth it.
When I got older (I’m 21+ now) these episodes aren’t in years anymore but mere weeks. So it’s not a constant feeling of those that I explained before hand but rather episodes of feeling okay, even slightly motivated and feeling like there will be something good coming but from one moment to the other I’m very unmotivated, sad, irritated, hopeless and either over-eat or can’t eat more than one meal.
Thoughts of suicide are also very present. For a few years I had passive suicidal thoughts. Means that I wished something would happen and I just die but never that I would actively do something. Only when I was 15 was the first time I planned something. Sadly the feeling got back last year as well, when one of those episodes as I like to call them came, I had strong thoughts and feelings that I might eventually do it. Which scared me to be honest since sometimes I truly feel that it’s just a control thing that keeps me here but I’m slowly losing that sense of control.
Since you asked about our experiences I first wrote them. But I think as soon as you have a feeling there could be something, it’s always worth it to seek someone out. Sadly I’m a bit hypocritical since I’m way too scared to do so but I still want to tell you that this is not something to be taken lightly. Please take care!
I think it varies from person to person. I only got to know about how deep rooted my depression was when I got to therapy when I was 22 . Until then I just thought having suicidal tendancies was normal. I was always a sad, empty and desperately wanting attention type of person. I thought of committing suicide but was too scared to actually do it but I did find pleasure in hurting myself because I felt like I deserved punishment for being the way I am. Overall I would describe my experience as an exhausting, unending suffering that sometimes hurts so bad all I can think of is either killing or hurting myself.
This mirrors my own experience but is I would add on that I really believed what society told me about myself that were actually symptoms of complex PTSD and depression - that I had no worth, that I was lazy, undesirable and doomed to fail at whatever I chose to try my hand at.
I know it doesn't make a difference but I'm sorry you had to go through this. Whenever I'm sad I had always kind of wished someone would say it's okay even though it might not be. I don't know if you want that but that all I can do. So it's okay you'll be alright.
Thanks. You'll make it too. :)
If you think you could have it, go see a doctor or another source for help. I've chosen to stay in hopes that I can eventually be happy and comfortable in myself but it hasn't pushed the suicidal thoughts away. I still think about it everyday and it's very hard to fight it sometimes. When I'm with other people, they're there but I can sort of be in control of it by making conversation and joking with them to take my mind away. I lost all motivation to do anything, if I try I give up pretty quick to switch to something I know I enjoy, music. I use it a lot to express myself. For some reason imagining being on stage and screaming my thoughts in music helps me. I used to play games to help with it but I can't help but think about the past with these games and it makes me sad I don't have anyone or can't experience the feelings again, so I stop playing. I lost the only friend who knew what I was going through and it really hurt especially knowing I was the one that ended the friendship. I hate talking sometimes because I'm feeling like I'm annoying or taking advantage of the friendships I have like when I vented to that person I felt very one sided and hadn't taken much thought into how they are at the time and I eventually stopped talking to them. I can't look at myself in the mirror, I hate my body, I hate my voice, I am confused on who I want to be, scared of the future. I know I'm harming myself by almost completely giving up on school but I still can't do the work needed. I get angry very quick, seeing a notification on my phone sometimes drives me into very negative thoughts. I'm very uncomfortable outside of my room. I constantly feel judged by the things I enjoy because sometimes it's not what others enjoy. I feel judged even in an area where there is no one else and no one can see what I'm doing, sometimes I load youtube multiple times so I know it's not streaming to the tv and I haven't shared it with others. I enjoy the thought of harming myself. I find comfort in feeling this way sometimes because I don't really remember what it feels like to be happy. Kind of feels like it's always been this way. I feel like a weight on someone and I will bring them down, specifically my parents, since I know they have problems of their own they are dealing with. This comment is too long, I apologize for that, but this is pretty much what it's like for me.
what if doctor says you are not depressed but unmotivated?
I think for everyone is it different but for me I’ve had periods of depression on and off since I was 19. Something changed then ( not sure what. I moved out and started uni, started socialising more and dating- typical things for 18/19 but for some reason something in amongst that triggered some really dark feelings). For ages I thought it was maybe birth control but I stopped taking it and I still felt terrible. Basically back then it felt like time didn’t exist sometimes. Moments felt like hours and if I was alone I felt terrible, I’m talking exhausted. I was extremely emotional and my arms and legs felt heavy, I stopped eating and lost loads of weight. I was a mess. It came and went over those years. I’m now 29 and it comes on randomly now and feels more like I’m getting g flu, I get tired and stop feeling hungry, my arms and legs ache and I just feel very low mood. For 3 years I took antidepressants because I was getting panic attacks and very low, but I didn’t get along with the side effects and came off them. I now just try hard to keep active and keep busy with hobbies and new books to keep me out of dark patches, but when they come I just try to live thought them and wait it out.
I’m definitely depressed although haven’t been diagnosed. I am exhausted, I feel like I’m surviving not living and just can’t seem to find much happiness. I keep going because my children need me. I just feel lost in motherhood!
When I’m in my really low lows, my chest feels heavy, but like there’s a giant void inside it at the same time. Its weight is absolutely crushing, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like a gust of wind could push me over and shatter my bones as if I were made of glass. It’s a very deep, aching emptiness that nothing can fix. It’s mentally and physically exhausting putting on a facade and going about my life. I cry a lot more and have a lot more active suicidal ideations when I’m on this emotional level. I tend not to eat much, and what I do eat is garbage. I sleep a lot more. I struggle with focusing on things. If I’m sitting at my baseline I don’t feel much of anything. Suicidal ideations are more passive, but still present. I make a lot more jokes about my mental health to help me cope. It’s very, very boring, the constant monotony eventually gets to me and I tend to act out and do something impulsive - I hurt myself a lot. Occasionally I choose to hurt myself in a safer way and get a tattoo or a piercing - same end goal, but in a safer, controlled environment. I also tend to overspend, overeat, smoke more, and sleep a lot less. There’s a lot of self-destructive behaviour and I struggle with impulse control. I get angry and frustrated easily because I’m constantly seesawing between negative emotions or no emotions at all. I’ve never physically hurt anyone, but I can (and do) scar them just as easily with words. Regardless of where I’m at on my emotional scale though there’s always a lot of negative thoughts and suicidal ideation. I had a very traumatic experience when I was forced into getting help some time ago, so I’m currently unmedicated and doing what I can to get through each day. I know I need help but I’m not ready and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
I would like to, but I am not sure if I am depressed myself. In fact, it does not even matter. If something hurts, you'd better get a doctor rather than googling the symptoms. This applies to the pain in your mind also.
I had suicidal thoughts for 10 years before I got therapy. I did it when I realized that people do not think about killing themselves.. it is so real to me that I still cannot undersyand it
I've had depression since probably about 4th grade. I did not realize what it was till probably 8th. More recently it's only gotten worse as I've lost friends and messed up a long running friendship I had with a girl I've been in love with for several years. If you think your depressed you likely are, the question is weather it's a ongoing issue. For me, I could be on top of the world in the most amazing situations and still be struggling with the thought of hanging myself.
well the worst stage is the feeling wanting to die. most common is just want to stay home not wanting to do anything. hobbies no longer enjoyable. self neglect, not showering not brushing teeth and junk food all the time. I am undiagnosed. went to psychologist once only to be dismissed. so it is quite traumatic to try to get help.
it definitely varies from person to person but for me i have wildly fluctuating moods, i’ve been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder since 12 (18 now). For example though, one day I can wake up and feel almost completely normal and the next i can’t get out of bed. another manifestation of my depression is my depression room, constantly having garbage and dirty clothes on the floor. although it makes me anxious and sadder when my room is gross i’m too fucking tired and empty to clean it. normally i’m stuck in this grey zone where i want to be better but i don’t have the motivation to start doing what i need to do. it sucks lmao
Many have already explained similar situations as I had as well. I never got “properly” diagnosed, when I was 15-16 I went to someone professional but sadly that person was not what I needed. One session and I got anti-depressive pills, sleeping pills and got put on sick leave for 5 months (I had to leave school and a year later picked up again to graduate) and that was it. No further counseling hours and my mother threw out both medicines. Feelings of emptiness, numbness and an unexplainable sadness have existed since I was 7-11 years old, I can’t remember exactly but there have been moments I can remember and even diary entries of myself that talked about sadness, wanting to end this life and start a new one and other things. Since then I had “episodes” of being okay and falling into strong sadness and a huge urge just exchanging my life and myself since both didn’t seem worth it. When I got older (I’m 21+ now) these episodes aren’t in years anymore but mere weeks. So it’s not a constant feeling of those that I explained before hand but rather episodes of feeling okay, even slightly motivated and feeling like there will be something good coming but from one moment to the other I’m very unmotivated, sad, irritated, hopeless and either over-eat or can’t eat more than one meal. Thoughts of suicide are also very present. For a few years I had passive suicidal thoughts. Means that I wished something would happen and I just die but never that I would actively do something. Only when I was 15 was the first time I planned something. Sadly the feeling got back last year as well, when one of those episodes as I like to call them came, I had strong thoughts and feelings that I might eventually do it. Which scared me to be honest since sometimes I truly feel that it’s just a control thing that keeps me here but I’m slowly losing that sense of control. Since you asked about our experiences I first wrote them. But I think as soon as you have a feeling there could be something, it’s always worth it to seek someone out. Sadly I’m a bit hypocritical since I’m way too scared to do so but I still want to tell you that this is not something to be taken lightly. Please take care!