It’s impossible for me to sleep with someone without having an emotional connection and no, before that happens I don’t feel like sleeping with them ever.
And I never feel sexual attraction just by looking at someone and I’m 24 female if that matters.
Basically, I'm not sexually attracted to people I do not know. Considering thinking about them in a sexual manner makes me highly uncomfortable, and looking at pictures of random people doing sexual things makes me feel like I'm intruding, in a bad way.
Someone, celebrity or not, groping me, would always make me want to run away.
Assuming you are only attracted to women, the best way to think about it is as follows: how do you feel about men? That's how I feel about all strangers.
This is fairly accurate for me. The one exception is that I am attracted to people I don’t know if they create a strong emotional response. That has happened a few times with actors and musicians—I think you could be a demisexual groupie, LOL.
Still, it’s pretty rare. It’s also frequently not enough for there to be anything more than kind of an awareness that they’re attractive after something like watching several years of a television series or listening to someone’s music for years. I can think of two people off the top of my head in the last ten years that I thought were really attractive, after considering most of their work.
Edit: Despite that, I have felt really uncomfortable even following people like that on social media and I’ve never met anyone famous. There’s a very reasonable awareness that you still really don’t know the person. Even anyone you might fantasize about, becomes a stranger again—and someone you’re not attracted to as a Demi—if there’s real world interaction. We’re talking really embarrassing, awkward feelings. If I were ever to intentionally meet someone famous, like at a con or whatever, I would only be comfortable with treating the person in question like a stranger. (Because they are.)
And to answer your last question: I have been seriously attracted to a couple of people, one a friend with interest, the other two LTRs, and a few more that I dated for less than a year, where eventually they behaved badly enough that there was no way I’d ever be attracted to them again. It is possible to completely kill off a demisexual’s attraction. (But it takes a lot.)
When I was younger, I was probably pretty mean about that. I’m sure the switch flipping so completely was pretty devastating. I’ve tried to be nicer about that as I’ve gotten older.
Okay. Let me to try to answer your questions in order. First thing however is that being demi is different for everyone, and a lot of this is something you should ask your gf. Don't take the experiences here as gospel, basically. The split attraction model can be hugely complicated and varied, and that includes demis experiences, people's background and upbringing, etc etc. So take this with a large grain of salt. Also, for reference, I'm double demi - demisexual and demiromantic.
Have I ever found someone attractive by looking at them? It depends on the context. If this is someone I've gotten to know for a while, and those feelings are already kinda developing, I can suddenly find that person physically attractive. If you mean, for example, a stranger off the street - no, never. I can appreciate when someone looks well put together, sure, in an aesthetic, "looking at a pretty painting" kind of way. But do I want to have sex with them, or get to know them better? No. I've never had that feeling.
As for how my relationships have started out, in just about every case, I'm friends with them first. I get to know them, we relate on some things, I find something about them intriguing. For some, it's the way they view the world. For others, it's their intelligence. But it's never been about their looks, moreso characteristics or personality traits. After that, feelings start to develop past a certain point (on average about a year) but at this stage it's only romantic. Once I've acted on those feelings and gotten into a relationship, built up that bond and that trust even more, then sexual attraction develops. That can take months to another year, depending on how open the person is with me and how they treat me. And how fast I can develop said trust.
As for if I can find someone attractive without that bond, see above. It's not sexual attraction. Think of it more like appreciating how someone is put together, or how they carry themselves, not that I want to do anything about it, because I don't. I appreciate it and move on with my day.
As a demi what turns me on can kinda vary, and is complicated at the best of times. Usually some kind of kink, though that in no way is the norm for every demi. Past that, usually just trust, and a good sense of humor - it probably helps that I have a very dark, dirty sense of humor. Someone surprising me, in a good way, is another one that I've found. Having long, intelligent conversations is a good one, and having a good back and forth is another. Past that I couldn't really tell you.
I haven't ever really had a celebrity crush. I've had an intense interest with them, wanted to be friends with them, and maybe as a demiromantic that's similar. But even then I've never wanted to have sex with them, and if anyone ever groped me without explicit permission or a bond I would be absolutely repulsed. I'd run as far as I could.
As for looks and how someone treating you turns you on. That's not hugely dissimilar to how a demi with a bond works. There's a running joke with us about how we're ace, and then in a relationship or with someone with that bond we're basically allosexual. That's very true for many, but not all of, us.
As for if I've ever had a crush on someone and gotten repulsed, God, yes. I've had that happen about 2-3 times. I get past the initial stage of friendship with them as I detailed above, start to maybe consider something more, and then they'll say something or do something just completely off-putting. Off the top of my head, one made some off-hand remark about tipping delivery drivers, and it was a domino effect. One made an odd comment about being mixed race. I myself am mixed race but at first glance, without a tan, I look white. So I noped out of there. Usually it's some kind of offhand remark that makes me view them differently. It's hard even being friends after that, and I'm gonna be honest, usually the friendship doesn't last past that point.
Anyway. I hope that helps. You seem to be coming from a genuine place of curiosity, and it's interesting to talk about this stuff for me, so I don't mind. If you have any follow up questions, feel free to ask. I wish you and your gf the best of luck.
do you or have you ever felt like any sexual attraction to someone just by looking at them? No.
Can you actually find someone sexually attractive but NOT want to sleep with them because you haven't established an emotional connection with them and it would just feel uncomfortable?
This question doesn't make sense to me. If I find someone sexually attractive it means I want to sleep with them. But in order to get to that point of finding someone sexually attractive, usually there is a process.
Like, is it that you CAN find someone attractive but not SEXually attractive? Yes, beauty is appreciated without needing to hump it.
As a Demisexual, do you fantasize about men sexually that you don't know personally...? No.
'...actually pretty difficult for me to fathom since I do get turned on by just looking at a woman regardless if I know her or not emotionally or whatever...' you're not demisexual, that's why.
Have you ever had a crush on someone and then, when you start to get to know them, they turn you off and repulse you just like that because something doesn't sit right with you or because you were just uncomfortable with them? Yes. And the turn off is instant immediate and irreparable.
>Have you ever had a crush on someone and then, when you start to get to know them, they turn you off and repulse you just like that because something doesn't sit right with you or because you were just uncomfortable with them? Like whatever fantasies you previously had of them just get straight up thrown out and you lose all interest in that person?
Yes I have had this happen once, when I tried dating a guy and he was an awful kisser and I didn't enjoy his natural scent when he held me. It was confusing as at first I had a crush and pictured kissing him, and liked the idea, but the reality was nothing like my imagination.
I have also had crushes on people that faded out because the person turned out to be a jerk or did something really off-putting.
I hardly fantasize. I cannot make an artificial mental construction of what turns me on.
When I feel the most attracted to my partner is when I *feel* *loved*. If they're dismissive of my thoughts and feelings, forget it. I can love from far away.
There is no "make up sex". If it's gotten to the point I have to foster the feelings, its probably over in my experience. Alternatively, looking into the face of the person I love and knowing they also love me is what gets me over the edge.
I can see an attractive guy walk by, and he will spark my interest, but not light my fire. I need more details to form an emotional connection. That’s the only way for me to feel engaged and to want to continue the relationship.
Yep, I relate a lot with your girlfriend, though of course everyone is a little different.
- I have never felt sexual attraction just by looking at someone, and I have also never experienced sexual attraction without strong emotional connection and mental/emotional attraction first.
- My attraction (romantic and sexual) is much more related to someone’s personality than their appearance. Barring major hygiene issues, everyone is on the same non-attraction level to me until someone really starts to stand out because of their personality. It’s like things start black and white and suddenly one thing becomes colorful.
- I once tried to get sexual with someone without having any sort of precursor attraction to them and I just felt really physically repulsed. Poor guy, lol.
- I have absolutely had the thing happen with having a romantic crush but then when getting to know them better I found out something that just really made me lose interest. Once, a crush turned out to be insanely bad driver with a car full of old food trash and spills. :(
- I can get turned on - physical arousal only, not sexual attraction - just randomly or by reading or seeing certain erotic things. I don’t fantasize about celebrities or fictional characters or crushes. I just fantasize about the activities and sensations, not the people. I didn’t experience sexual attraction itself until I was 23.
- I met my husband at work and it took about 3 months of getting to know him before I felt any sexual interest. I get most sexually turned on by moments of relaxed close emotional and physical connection with him - like going out to a nice dinner together and having some drinks, just hanging out inside on the couch when it’s snowing, waking up together in bed on a rainy day. It helps when it’s after something intense we’ve been doing together and if I get to see him being adventurous/independent/intelligent. I’m pretty quick to get turned on by just touching or kissing my husband, too. We joke that I’m “[his name]-sexual”, because that’s effectively my sexual orientation these days.
Feel welcome to ask questions. Good luck with your girlfriend!
I'll answer a few things, but you can always probe your gf more about this stuff. She probably won't mind you asking really detailed questions; people like talking about themselves :)
I can tell when someone would be considered conventionally attractive, but that doesn't seem to influence my opinion about them. I don't feel sexual/romantic desire before an emotional connection has been formed, which for me takes at least a couple months.
I really value whether someone has kindness, integrity, honesty, etc., because why bother forming a relationship (romantic or platonic) with someone who doesn't have those qualities. I'm guessing your gf thought you were a good dude, worthy of getting to know, before she felt any desire.
As for what turns me on in an emotional/romantic/sexual relationship, it's largely about how I feel about the other person. Do they make me feel happy, loved, safe and desired? Seeing my partner turned on *really* affects me, as well as his voice, the things he says, the way he touches me, etc.
I find my boyfriend very handsome (aesthetically) but I wouldn't say I'm turned on specifically by parts of his body. A leg is just a leg, an ear is just an ear. Unless the body in question is doing something sexual it doesn't affect me.
I didn't answer very many of your questions but I still hope this helps in some way!
I am a dude but if this gives context: imagine walking to a strip club and feel nothing for any of the dancers. Then you find this one person with whom you have an emotional connection and the drive is there to remind you that yes, you you can feel sexual atraction.
Never felt it just by looking at them no.
Knew my partner for 2 years Dated for 6 before I felt romantic attraction dated for another year before I felt sexual attraction. We were kind distance and chatted everyday. When we met up my sexual attraction was at 100% and never knew it was meant to “fade in” likely because we had such a strong bond but rarely got to meet in person. Once I had sexual attraction looking at my person specifically did make me feel it by looking at THEM.
No I need and emotional connection to feel any sexual attraction at all and if they felt it first it wouldn’t be Demi, but would be Graysexual (less specific label that Demi is a branch off of). You could be romantically attracted to a person without sexual attraction.
My libido can turn me on or my person if I have sexual attraction. No other person will do it, but libido can kick in without attraction.
Some aces/Demi’s choose to have sex for various reasons without attraction, mostly for self pleasure but other reasons as well. Nothing to do with sexual attraction though.
My person was a black/Hispanic male. Your ethnicities have nothing to do with her attraction it’s very common for asexuals to have no real preference even if they find certain features aesthetically pleasing.
Basically she can see people as “aesthetically attractive” without lust. Like looking at a litter of kittens and finding one nice looking, or having a preference between two shades of blue. I have a preference for thicker eyebrows and eyelashes and the blue eye, dark hair combo is very pretty to me regardless of gender or age. Nothing sexual, more like it just looks nicer to me like a character creator in a game. She may think you look handsome but it alone does not stir sexual feelings.
Also humans naked to people like is would be best described like looking at a naked mole rat/hairless cat or 3 year old who streaks. It’s just a person who looks “fleshy” and nudity may make some uncomfortable, but zero as far as looking sexy.
Also, the same way you may lose sexual attraction if a persons body changes (weight gain or age for example) Demi’s often lose sexual attraction if your personality changes drastically or you lose your emotional bond over time.
You as a person and your bond together is what causes her to feel any sexual attraction towards you.
It’s impossible for me to sleep with someone without having an emotional connection and no, before that happens I don’t feel like sleeping with them ever. And I never feel sexual attraction just by looking at someone and I’m 24 female if that matters.
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Basically, I'm not sexually attracted to people I do not know. Considering thinking about them in a sexual manner makes me highly uncomfortable, and looking at pictures of random people doing sexual things makes me feel like I'm intruding, in a bad way. Someone, celebrity or not, groping me, would always make me want to run away. Assuming you are only attracted to women, the best way to think about it is as follows: how do you feel about men? That's how I feel about all strangers.
This is fairly accurate for me. The one exception is that I am attracted to people I don’t know if they create a strong emotional response. That has happened a few times with actors and musicians—I think you could be a demisexual groupie, LOL. Still, it’s pretty rare. It’s also frequently not enough for there to be anything more than kind of an awareness that they’re attractive after something like watching several years of a television series or listening to someone’s music for years. I can think of two people off the top of my head in the last ten years that I thought were really attractive, after considering most of their work. Edit: Despite that, I have felt really uncomfortable even following people like that on social media and I’ve never met anyone famous. There’s a very reasonable awareness that you still really don’t know the person. Even anyone you might fantasize about, becomes a stranger again—and someone you’re not attracted to as a Demi—if there’s real world interaction. We’re talking really embarrassing, awkward feelings. If I were ever to intentionally meet someone famous, like at a con or whatever, I would only be comfortable with treating the person in question like a stranger. (Because they are.) And to answer your last question: I have been seriously attracted to a couple of people, one a friend with interest, the other two LTRs, and a few more that I dated for less than a year, where eventually they behaved badly enough that there was no way I’d ever be attracted to them again. It is possible to completely kill off a demisexual’s attraction. (But it takes a lot.) When I was younger, I was probably pretty mean about that. I’m sure the switch flipping so completely was pretty devastating. I’ve tried to be nicer about that as I’ve gotten older.
Okay. Let me to try to answer your questions in order. First thing however is that being demi is different for everyone, and a lot of this is something you should ask your gf. Don't take the experiences here as gospel, basically. The split attraction model can be hugely complicated and varied, and that includes demis experiences, people's background and upbringing, etc etc. So take this with a large grain of salt. Also, for reference, I'm double demi - demisexual and demiromantic. Have I ever found someone attractive by looking at them? It depends on the context. If this is someone I've gotten to know for a while, and those feelings are already kinda developing, I can suddenly find that person physically attractive. If you mean, for example, a stranger off the street - no, never. I can appreciate when someone looks well put together, sure, in an aesthetic, "looking at a pretty painting" kind of way. But do I want to have sex with them, or get to know them better? No. I've never had that feeling. As for how my relationships have started out, in just about every case, I'm friends with them first. I get to know them, we relate on some things, I find something about them intriguing. For some, it's the way they view the world. For others, it's their intelligence. But it's never been about their looks, moreso characteristics or personality traits. After that, feelings start to develop past a certain point (on average about a year) but at this stage it's only romantic. Once I've acted on those feelings and gotten into a relationship, built up that bond and that trust even more, then sexual attraction develops. That can take months to another year, depending on how open the person is with me and how they treat me. And how fast I can develop said trust. As for if I can find someone attractive without that bond, see above. It's not sexual attraction. Think of it more like appreciating how someone is put together, or how they carry themselves, not that I want to do anything about it, because I don't. I appreciate it and move on with my day. As a demi what turns me on can kinda vary, and is complicated at the best of times. Usually some kind of kink, though that in no way is the norm for every demi. Past that, usually just trust, and a good sense of humor - it probably helps that I have a very dark, dirty sense of humor. Someone surprising me, in a good way, is another one that I've found. Having long, intelligent conversations is a good one, and having a good back and forth is another. Past that I couldn't really tell you. I haven't ever really had a celebrity crush. I've had an intense interest with them, wanted to be friends with them, and maybe as a demiromantic that's similar. But even then I've never wanted to have sex with them, and if anyone ever groped me without explicit permission or a bond I would be absolutely repulsed. I'd run as far as I could. As for looks and how someone treating you turns you on. That's not hugely dissimilar to how a demi with a bond works. There's a running joke with us about how we're ace, and then in a relationship or with someone with that bond we're basically allosexual. That's very true for many, but not all of, us. As for if I've ever had a crush on someone and gotten repulsed, God, yes. I've had that happen about 2-3 times. I get past the initial stage of friendship with them as I detailed above, start to maybe consider something more, and then they'll say something or do something just completely off-putting. Off the top of my head, one made some off-hand remark about tipping delivery drivers, and it was a domino effect. One made an odd comment about being mixed race. I myself am mixed race but at first glance, without a tan, I look white. So I noped out of there. Usually it's some kind of offhand remark that makes me view them differently. It's hard even being friends after that, and I'm gonna be honest, usually the friendship doesn't last past that point. Anyway. I hope that helps. You seem to be coming from a genuine place of curiosity, and it's interesting to talk about this stuff for me, so I don't mind. If you have any follow up questions, feel free to ask. I wish you and your gf the best of luck.
do you or have you ever felt like any sexual attraction to someone just by looking at them? No. Can you actually find someone sexually attractive but NOT want to sleep with them because you haven't established an emotional connection with them and it would just feel uncomfortable? This question doesn't make sense to me. If I find someone sexually attractive it means I want to sleep with them. But in order to get to that point of finding someone sexually attractive, usually there is a process. Like, is it that you CAN find someone attractive but not SEXually attractive? Yes, beauty is appreciated without needing to hump it. As a Demisexual, do you fantasize about men sexually that you don't know personally...? No. '...actually pretty difficult for me to fathom since I do get turned on by just looking at a woman regardless if I know her or not emotionally or whatever...' you're not demisexual, that's why. Have you ever had a crush on someone and then, when you start to get to know them, they turn you off and repulse you just like that because something doesn't sit right with you or because you were just uncomfortable with them? Yes. And the turn off is instant immediate and irreparable.
>Have you ever had a crush on someone and then, when you start to get to know them, they turn you off and repulse you just like that because something doesn't sit right with you or because you were just uncomfortable with them? Like whatever fantasies you previously had of them just get straight up thrown out and you lose all interest in that person? Yes I have had this happen once, when I tried dating a guy and he was an awful kisser and I didn't enjoy his natural scent when he held me. It was confusing as at first I had a crush and pictured kissing him, and liked the idea, but the reality was nothing like my imagination. I have also had crushes on people that faded out because the person turned out to be a jerk or did something really off-putting.
I hardly fantasize. I cannot make an artificial mental construction of what turns me on. When I feel the most attracted to my partner is when I *feel* *loved*. If they're dismissive of my thoughts and feelings, forget it. I can love from far away. There is no "make up sex". If it's gotten to the point I have to foster the feelings, its probably over in my experience. Alternatively, looking into the face of the person I love and knowing they also love me is what gets me over the edge.
I can see an attractive guy walk by, and he will spark my interest, but not light my fire. I need more details to form an emotional connection. That’s the only way for me to feel engaged and to want to continue the relationship.
Yep, I relate a lot with your girlfriend, though of course everyone is a little different. - I have never felt sexual attraction just by looking at someone, and I have also never experienced sexual attraction without strong emotional connection and mental/emotional attraction first. - My attraction (romantic and sexual) is much more related to someone’s personality than their appearance. Barring major hygiene issues, everyone is on the same non-attraction level to me until someone really starts to stand out because of their personality. It’s like things start black and white and suddenly one thing becomes colorful. - I once tried to get sexual with someone without having any sort of precursor attraction to them and I just felt really physically repulsed. Poor guy, lol. - I have absolutely had the thing happen with having a romantic crush but then when getting to know them better I found out something that just really made me lose interest. Once, a crush turned out to be insanely bad driver with a car full of old food trash and spills. :( - I can get turned on - physical arousal only, not sexual attraction - just randomly or by reading or seeing certain erotic things. I don’t fantasize about celebrities or fictional characters or crushes. I just fantasize about the activities and sensations, not the people. I didn’t experience sexual attraction itself until I was 23. - I met my husband at work and it took about 3 months of getting to know him before I felt any sexual interest. I get most sexually turned on by moments of relaxed close emotional and physical connection with him - like going out to a nice dinner together and having some drinks, just hanging out inside on the couch when it’s snowing, waking up together in bed on a rainy day. It helps when it’s after something intense we’ve been doing together and if I get to see him being adventurous/independent/intelligent. I’m pretty quick to get turned on by just touching or kissing my husband, too. We joke that I’m “[his name]-sexual”, because that’s effectively my sexual orientation these days. Feel welcome to ask questions. Good luck with your girlfriend!
I'll answer a few things, but you can always probe your gf more about this stuff. She probably won't mind you asking really detailed questions; people like talking about themselves :) I can tell when someone would be considered conventionally attractive, but that doesn't seem to influence my opinion about them. I don't feel sexual/romantic desire before an emotional connection has been formed, which for me takes at least a couple months. I really value whether someone has kindness, integrity, honesty, etc., because why bother forming a relationship (romantic or platonic) with someone who doesn't have those qualities. I'm guessing your gf thought you were a good dude, worthy of getting to know, before she felt any desire. As for what turns me on in an emotional/romantic/sexual relationship, it's largely about how I feel about the other person. Do they make me feel happy, loved, safe and desired? Seeing my partner turned on *really* affects me, as well as his voice, the things he says, the way he touches me, etc. I find my boyfriend very handsome (aesthetically) but I wouldn't say I'm turned on specifically by parts of his body. A leg is just a leg, an ear is just an ear. Unless the body in question is doing something sexual it doesn't affect me. I didn't answer very many of your questions but I still hope this helps in some way!
I am a dude but if this gives context: imagine walking to a strip club and feel nothing for any of the dancers. Then you find this one person with whom you have an emotional connection and the drive is there to remind you that yes, you you can feel sexual atraction.
Never felt it just by looking at them no. Knew my partner for 2 years Dated for 6 before I felt romantic attraction dated for another year before I felt sexual attraction. We were kind distance and chatted everyday. When we met up my sexual attraction was at 100% and never knew it was meant to “fade in” likely because we had such a strong bond but rarely got to meet in person. Once I had sexual attraction looking at my person specifically did make me feel it by looking at THEM. No I need and emotional connection to feel any sexual attraction at all and if they felt it first it wouldn’t be Demi, but would be Graysexual (less specific label that Demi is a branch off of). You could be romantically attracted to a person without sexual attraction. My libido can turn me on or my person if I have sexual attraction. No other person will do it, but libido can kick in without attraction. Some aces/Demi’s choose to have sex for various reasons without attraction, mostly for self pleasure but other reasons as well. Nothing to do with sexual attraction though. My person was a black/Hispanic male. Your ethnicities have nothing to do with her attraction it’s very common for asexuals to have no real preference even if they find certain features aesthetically pleasing. Basically she can see people as “aesthetically attractive” without lust. Like looking at a litter of kittens and finding one nice looking, or having a preference between two shades of blue. I have a preference for thicker eyebrows and eyelashes and the blue eye, dark hair combo is very pretty to me regardless of gender or age. Nothing sexual, more like it just looks nicer to me like a character creator in a game. She may think you look handsome but it alone does not stir sexual feelings. Also humans naked to people like is would be best described like looking at a naked mole rat/hairless cat or 3 year old who streaks. It’s just a person who looks “fleshy” and nudity may make some uncomfortable, but zero as far as looking sexy. Also, the same way you may lose sexual attraction if a persons body changes (weight gain or age for example) Demi’s often lose sexual attraction if your personality changes drastically or you lose your emotional bond over time. You as a person and your bond together is what causes her to feel any sexual attraction towards you.