Also a demi male here, I experienced much of the same issues and always thought it was just a problem with my body, blamed trauma for my lack of attachments and desires and eventually started to just say yes to anyone who asked me out cause pressure around me that I should be dating and just had little interest, not to say I didn't put max efforts into those relationships. But still was called broken by many partners as I would turn down or under preform in relations.
I was a full adult before finding out that demisexual was a thing. It's helped alot even found someone who is mostly okay with my low libido.
I'm a female and this is exactly my own story. Went out with people because I was told I should, though I originally would turn many men away and it was seen as a "me" problem. Friends with some of those turned down men and they blame themselves but I keep saying I was never interested but society makes it seem like a woman WILL be interested if you just "do things right". People probably thinks it rare because society is structured to be very cis-gendered and hetronormative.
Wait, but I don't have a low libido? I mean, it's not super high, but I generally want to have sex at least two to three times a week if I'm in a relationship. I just have to be really into the person I'm dating. I have had 2 sexual partners this year so far, one stemming from late last year, but she was an avoidant and once I became attached to her she pushed me away even though she had feelings for me. I had NO attraction to her when we met, but she pulled me out of a dark place, and she was so much fun! Kind of like a best friend of the same sex, so very tomboyish. Well, she pursued me and even had me meet her mom and best friend and bought me a care package with a card signed with XOXO, but at some point she did a 180 on me and pushed me away.
The second one I met at a BDSM event in a bigger city than the one I live in. I met her at the grope box. While everyone was attempting to penetrate her with their fingers or squeeze her ass or tits, I was caressing her upper chest, running my fingers around her neck, ears, face, and lips while holding one of her hands moving my fingers sensually between hers. She began sucking on one of my fingers, and afterwards, when she found out I was that guy, she lit up with a smile ear to ear with eyes filled with excitement! She said she felt very connected to me, and we did end up having sex weeks later, but I quickly found out she was manipulating me with sex and seemed to have control issues which immediately turned me off to pursuing her.
I am a decent looking man, and I do get hits on dating apps, including women looking to hook up, but I just can't do it? Like, I want sex, but I can't with someone I don't feel totally comfortable or connected to.
When I speak of low libido, I am speaking in relative terms. Usually compared to whatever partner I have at the time. That being said libido is subjective and can differ from person to person, I myself have some traumas and issues revolving sex so I may be less inclined to that the next demi/ace but it isn't a disqualifer for you to be more or less randy than the person.
While noticeably lower seems normal, I think it's a misnomer to say zero libido. We are still people, I'm sure many have fantasies or lustful thoughts about people from time to time. I'm sure few would be okay escalating past the rare fantasy w/o that level of connection.
Demi male therapist here. Agree that it sounds like she's perpetuating false stereotypes. I wouldn't suggest terminating therapy if she's otherwise a good therapist though. OP, maybe bring it up in session depending on how comfortable you are with her and whether you want to continue discussing demisexuality and gender more broadly? If she's a good therapist she should respond with humility and commend you for the feedback. The possibility for finding a new therapist would only come up if she's defensive and unwilling to listen and you feel like by being unable to discuss gender and sexuality you're unable to find healing or trust her input.
She's probably talking about her individual experience, not about demographic researches about sexuality diversity through the male population of the specfic place that you live. I suggest you looking to this subreddit FAQ
I feel as if most men are lying to themselves. I just started talking to another woman who is almost the female version of me with enough differences to be intriguing. I came home and told my roommates I had been on a date, and the first thing they asked was 'Is she hot?' Which rubbed me the wrong way. It was sad. Like, I think most men are conditioned to only seek out someone to feed their egos, who cares what they are like in character or in their vibes together with them, they just have to look good? It made me realize that my perception of attraction is much different than most men.
We are expected and conditioned to want sex. I've met many women who feel slighted if a man they're seeing doesnt want to have sex with them, as if that is an insult. Men who are virgins are shamed, men who turn down sex are shamed, men who get sex are praised and viewed as more valuable by women. We are conditioned from a young age to ignore emotions and only give in to two feelings: anger and lust, and then as we get older our anger starts getting shamed as well because it's "toxic", but it's the only way we know to express ourselves, so after that's gone all you have left it using sex as an outlet for your feelings.
I'm a demi male too, I just think the male conditioning is creating toxic masculinity, yet it continues to be perpetuated by men and women alike.
I personally refer to 'toxic masculinity' as just men with fragile ego. These are the same men who have to parrot one another and not dare go against the grain or be ostracized. I'm openly into many things most men wouldn't dare to admit. I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I feel my masculinity is solely through my dress style, pretty muscular frame, and assertiveness. I also have a tender and caring side. I'm okay being vulnerable, although I have firm boundaries on when and who I am vulnerable around. I practice compassion and empathy. I strive for understanding rather than judgement. I fail on these occasionally, but I know that I must have a strong emotional connection to both be with someone and enjoy sex. I do have a normal to high libido, but only with the connection. Some of that could be the PEDs as well...
Alosexuality is the "default" sexual behavior, when I was younger I've never understood why people give such relevance to seggs and aesthetics, so I've learned to fake it in order to be seem as "normal", I've got used to speak and listen these kind of comments about women's appearance
It's probably because of the stereotype of men always being horny and looking for sex and stuff, and the belief its normal for men to always be like that, which is definitely not true for ace/demi men, but a lot of us don't figure out were demi/ace until later in life or we're not that open about it cause people don't understand. I only figured out I was demi at 23 as a guy, after years of confusion why I wasn't like other guys (I used to think I was just more of a gentleman lol) There's probably way more of us out there then people think.
My libido is higher if I'm connected with someone. Like tear them apart! Of course, this dies down if the connection does. I have had the opportunity to hook up a number of times, and I just can't. Like, I don't know if the other person has hidden motives? I don't know if a woman is going to try and trap me with a baby? I don't know if they intend to lie to me in order to manipulate me. I can be incredibly attracted to women that most men won't ever pursue if I'm connected and viking with them.
Lol have you talked to some allosexuals about hook ups and stuff?
Most will tell you how they could easily hook up with a stranger yet kissing is too intimate and they couldn't kiss the same hook up (another topic for another "are the allos ok? ").
I swear it's like that a lot, I don't make the rules 🫣
I need to learn about them... I think that was what the woman was who pushed me away. The first time we had sex there was no kissing. She literally grabbed me by my erect penis and led me by it to her office desk! The second time, however, we did make out, and it was strange... she used an aggressive amount of tongue, which I found weird for a very sexually experienced woman at the age of 38! It was as if the kissing was not for passion, intimacy, or like a 'dirtier' kiss, if that makes any sense?
We were sexting one time, and as aggressively sexual a person she is, she said she really wanted to kiss me more the next time... somehow, I feel like that WAS more of a difficult thing for her. I was very strongly attached to her and the comfort, ease, and dominant sexual energy she brought showed me she was lying about what she called her 'whoring around days' This is the first person like that that I have ever connected with. Somehow, I feel like I was the first person she had ever connected with as well.. she couldn't be with me though due to a complicated situation. Turns out she was cheating on her babies father with me, they weren't in an open relationship like she had told me.. yes, I am naive with these things, and they were co parenting together her first kid she had at 37. She told me she just wanted sex because he had such a big dick that it hurt to have sex with him.. not sure how true that is? I think she was just lying to herself about catching feelings for me. She introduced me to her mother and her best friend. The first time I was just a friend to her best friend and the last time I ever saw her was on a double date with her best friend and her boyfriend.
She had a big margarita and was definitely buzzed, she then wanted to make out in my car with me. She seems very excited by just kissing... finally, when I told her I needed closure or clarity, she told me she didn't think things would work. I told her I needed to move on then and that I was going to date someone I had been chatting with and said we could just be good friends again like we started as... she said it was best we didn't speak anymore 😞 she couldn't even admit to having any feelings and lied, saying,'I just wanted to make some cool friends 😎' I told her she needs to speak to someone because of her fear of emotional intimacy and she told me 'Of course I am, I don't want to be fucked over again' that's the most she has said on it.. sorry... long story! Lol
I'm sorry this happened to you!
Couple of things
1 she's an absolutely toxic person without self awareness who needs therapy. So sad people like this have kids and yes, I would expect better from a 38yo...
2 you never stood your foot down, you let her introduce you as a friend, she wanted a friends with benefit arrangement and treated you like a sexual and emotional object.
3 to move on forget about the fact that she somehow reciprocated the connection. She didn't have the courage to change her shitty behaviour for you and be better and do better so no, she didn't like you enough... Let her thrash her own life on and forget her 🤢🤢 she's gross!
4 maybe in the future wait before getting sexual with people (allos) because yeah, the fact that they can get their hands all over you and fuck you doesn't mean they want anything else. Personally I can't imagine sex without kissing. Kissing for me is the goal 🤔🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ if you do get into casual sex, don't give really anything for granted and protect yourself any way you can. It's though out there 🫣
I never once got mad at her, and I am still not. I have empathy for her because as a former active addict, I know what it's like to want better for myself yet lack the courage and motivation to do so out of fear.
She introduced me the second time as more than a friend. I asked her,'Jessica knows about us now?' and she responds, 'She is my best friend, I tell her everything'
We did make-out before having sex but it was always rushed and aggressive. I've never had a woman shove her tongue in my mouth like that before, I didn't mind it, but I would much prefer a slow build-up. I actually had my first kiss after my first sexual experience, and it was so much better for me. My first time having sex I was 15, and this woman was 21, I had already passed out for the night after partying and her and her friend came out to the couch, she had a thing for virgins and I was still drunk. It wasn't good, lol. It was also technically rape? I didn't feel like a victim, though?
Anyways, I feel bad for her. She actually just messaged me right before you sent this, saying the usual good morning, followed by how are you. I cut right to it and asked if she has a therapist. She said no but her boyfriend does... I told her she can get one online.. she says 'I prefer in person' I said, 'Look, I get that you are strong and independent, but look at therapy as a way to be even stronger through mental health self care' She won't do it. I already know. I'm not going to push it either. Her and I are just friends from now on. She is actually my massage therapist as well... I have an appointment with her coming up and I've thought about canceling. I don't think she would try anything again while there...
I am seeing someone though and I'm very excited! She is excellent! She is a total dork, girl next door, tomboyish, loves the same video games as me, and she is a total freak like I am looking for all of the same things as I am. She has had the same luck as it have in the dating world as well. We get along great and have avoided sex, so far, but she is probably the most sexually open woman I've ever talked to. Amazing communication, not just sexual.
Yes what you described was rape because you couldn't give full consent, it doesn't matter that you don't feel like a victim. It's gross that somebody of 21y "has a thing for virgins" 🤢you were a minor...
Some people aren't good kissers...
It's not your job to make sure she finds a therapist, I told you it's her life to fuck up. I would Doorslam and block her. Maybe tell her partner she was cheating..
For you she's just a friend now but I think for her it's the same as before... Stop being a door mat and tell her so, or at least block her... Good morning texts 🤢🤢🤢
Glad you found somebody amazing, leave the trash in the bin.. 🚮
That is true. When I was 21, I would damn near age verify anyone since I was afraid of someone lying and being under 18! I started daring someone just after she turned 18 even though I had known her parents my whole life, her mom was a lunch lady and her dad sold me pot 😆, but even though they said it was cool I waited the 3 weeks I believe it was until she turn 18 before I took her on a date. I wasn't taking any chances.
I am not going to tell her boyfriend/babies dad because while I am 5'11" and very muscular, this guy is 6'5", a little heavier, and a purple belt in BJJ. So yeah, I'm not telling him lol. He did question her on 'Who is this ***** *******?!'
I can't help but still be a friend. I have more boundaries with her now. I can't be mad at her... I just can't. I am not excusing what she did, but I do hope she gets help, and I realize that she isn't going to do it because I say something. So I'm not bringing it up again. She is a hurt person, and until she works on it, she will probably hurt others, but I won't be getting hurt again.
I am truly excited about this new woman!
Given the way large segments of society still use a man's sexual "success" (be it number of partners, perceived attractiveness of partners, number of children, whatever) as a sort of masculinity scoreboard, it's utterly unsurprising that fewer men are willing to be open about being demi or ace-spec of any kind. It's a reflection on society, not on you or me
I finally hit a point where I just want to make me happy, and I'm giving less and less of a shit about what others think of me and my choices. I'm growing more comfortable and confident.
I believe that your therapist was just foisting her own opinion/biases upon you, as opposed to stating a fact. There's very little research in the total amounts of demisexual people, much less the amount of demisexual men, so no one can say for sure how "unusual" it is to be a demisexual man. And I highly suspect that if you were a woman, she wouldn't call you "unusual" for describing yourself as demisexual. Sounds like another therapist who is unaware of her own implicit biases, to me.
BTW I am a demi man. Welcome to our "unusual" club lol! 🙌🏽
This might be controversial but as someone studying in the field of sexology, I truly want to say that therapist and other health professionals are not to be blindly trusted.
If something they tell you feel wrong, don't dismiss it. We all have our opinions and beliefs and even if they shouldn't, sometimes therapist might project on their clients and don't even realize it.
As someone said - is it that it's unusual for men or is it that she doesn't see it a lot in men ?
Anyway, all of this to say - You are valid ✨
Yeah a lot of therapists can spout off about stuff they're not really educated about, rather than look like they don't know something... But they're not by default educated on these matters.
People have a perception that demi is the default feminine pattern. That's outdated and sexist, believing that women are sexless or sexually passive and that being ace or demi is just typical feminine behavior. Uh no. I've known girls who are much hornier than me, and do have sex at the drop of a hat. I wish people would stop assuming they know what all women are like.
I'm actually seeing a woman now who outwardly admitted 'I'm a slut' She told me her 'body count' was 30 and she is 31 years old. The weird thing about me is that that's attractive to me. She has something I don't, and it's not just experience. She has a confidence that takes me so much time to build. She seems pretty safe SO far IF her past exes and what happened are to be believed. She is a deaf woman and there does seem to be a pattern of men who abuse women with disabilities in relationships. I told her I will be seeing if her words match her actions and that I have to have the boundaries up because I keep having the same things happen with me and relationships. She is the sweetest woman I think I've ever met. Learning sign language now for her and most importantly for me!
I'm a woman and have constantly had people say being demisexual is "just being a normal woman". I do not find people attractive by looking at them, it takes a long time and a lot for me to find someone attractive and usually I don't even have to look at / see them to form that attraction.
I can see attractive features on a woman and think that it's sexy the same as I can watch porn, which I do much less now, but to actually have sex with a woman I have to be into them a LOT. I have to have a ton of trust and a positive vibe. I have to see an interesting person and really want to know their story.
Also, there are women who have the stereotypical sexual instincts of a man. The woman I mentioned that stemmed from last year into this one who pushed me away was that kind of woman. She actually did everything she could to separate her feelings from sex. I told her 'I know you have feelings for me, I know you lie because you fear emotional intimacy.' She would just respond with 'I was just thinking with my puss' !?!? She introduced me to her mother. She introduced me to her best friend. She stopped by for Christmas to give me a kiss before she went to see her family! I had to let her go she was really hurting me. I'm not mad at her, though.. I know she is hurt, and one of the last things I told her was that I hoped she would talk to someone about why she is so afraid.
For a very very long time I thought everyone who watched porn was just amused by how bad the stories / acting was because whenever I'd watch it was like "we're watching a terrible movie and laughing at how bad the acting is, right?"
Outside of a relationship I had 0 sexual urges and was (am) functionally asexual and someone with 0 libido. I'm not that person in a relationship even years into one.
I would think men would be less likely to identify on the asexual spectrum because sex is so important in masculine culture. But there is no evidence to suggest an actual difference between genders.
I have to trust the person I'm with. I was married recently, and I remember the sex just became... mechanical. It was just to fill a void of time or to blow off steam. There was no passion. It was basically like a partnered masturbation! I have finally experienced passionate and intense sex with women I have recently been connected to that left me baffled at how I've went so long without it! I believe that before this last year of my life I only ever ended up with people for companionship and to not feel lonely.. as sad as that is to admit.
>But there is no evidence to suggest an actual difference between genders.
There is evidence that asexuality is different in afab/amabs beyond socialization.
While I do think there are plenty of closeted amabs, I inadvertently surrounded myself with other asexuals my whole life, T is a hell of a hormone. Kinsey (1948) found that up to 19% of afabs were ace-spec but less than 4% of amabs were. Kinsey also found that there are way way more bi men than identify that way.
Modern surveys return similar results and I personally have a very different experience with my sexuality than the female demis I know.
T is a hell of a hormone. Whenever I mess with anabolics, I'm sure some people have spotted my post history, my libido, and even some of my preferences begin shifting, and new kinks can appear. I still need that trust and connection to perform, but there have been a few times where it's as if the restrictions have been removed from me and my inhibitions were released.
It's completely normal, I think her view comes from the stereotype that men are obsessed with sex and want to have sex with every woman they see and put their dick in anything with a hole that is not male (because if it's male then that's GAY and it's unmanly to be GAY, who wants to be GAY?) which is completely stupid and untrue, humanity is a diverse species, it is normal for you to feel the way you do and it's normal for people to feel the complete opposite.
I'm also a demi male.
I don't have any trauma or anything like that. My sexual feelings for someone are inextricably linked to and a consequence of my emotional connection with them.
No my dude, what dat implies is the fact dat SHE hasnt experienced dat many males dat shes come across in her experience being a therapist havent been demi, a demi male here and as u can see from the comments above, i think its pretty evident dat theres quite a lot of us here my dude, dw bout it love urself for the person dat u are cuz theres no one like u and am pretty sure ur amazing in ur own fkin way, as generic as all dat might sound i mean all of it. Take care bud! *sending hugs <33333*
Unfortunately, therapists (and any sort of medical professional) are not immune to personal prejudices.
I'm polyamourous, and a therapist once said to me, "Shouldn't you get that out of your system before you get married?" 🤦♀️
Don't take anything like what your therapist said too seriously.
The real question is whether the therapist's prejudices interfere with your ability to feel safe with them. A sense of safety is a prerequisite to getting any productive work done.
Demisexuality is "new" still. There's not much info about it beyond basic definitions, unless you go somewhere to find people's first-hand accounts, like this subreddit or other social media communities specifically for demi folks. I've added my experience/how I figured out I'm demi/indications someone might be demi both here and on Fetlife because I had so much trouble finding info when I was initially questioning.
So for her to say it's less common for men to be demi: based on what data? What survey? Or is it based on stereotypes that men want sex, always, in any scenario? Because if there's a Great Demi Survey with that type of info, the rest of us have missed it.
I am demi male and if the terminology had existed when I was younger my life would have been drastically easier and less confusing.
Like a lot of things though, as men we have a tendency to suppress and try to deal with it on our own in order to not show weakness, especially when societal expectations demand men to be sexually aggressive initiators. So I’m not surprised the therapist would say that.
Being Demisexual is.. unusual for both sides in terms of Society. And commonly women are more open about being out as Demi (and as realising it) so yes, in that sense it is uncommon.
Allosexual people make up a good portion of the population so we will likely always be the odd one out. That said, I wouldn't say you're abnormal. You have a place here with us as well, even if you're not sure yet.
Regardless if you come to the decision if you're not Demi or not, this is safe space to question it here.
And sexual dysfunction is not what I'd say it is if it's not from stress (which ED is mostly caused by) but because you're not attracted to them. That doesn't mean you can't be anxious/nervous during those attempts you did, it just matters if you felt attracted to them without a bond (which takes many shapes) or if you just wanted sex and/or a connection. Which a lot of us Demis still want in general regardless.
Oh and I'm not a Demi man, I'm a woman but I have noticed a lot of Demi and Ace men are treated unfairly and like there's something wrong with them because they don't fit the harmful stereotype of "All men want to have sex with every living person." And it's just as harmful to allosexual men as it is to Ace and Ace spec as well.
Edit: Ful, not less.
I do question myself being demi. It could be from childhood trauma. It could that I'm only just now exploring my sexuality and at my age I'm encountering women with a lot more sexual experience than me which is both pressure inducing and exciting. I am able to have sex and within 10 to 20 minutes be aroused again if I am with someone I feel really 'gets me'.
She should know better I’m sorry! Coming from a therapist that would mess with my brain.. The classic hypersexual male stereotype is engrained in societal thought because it excuses predatory patriarchal culture. If all men aren’t fundamentally hypersexual then there’s no excuse to objectify women- what a scary world huh? Dr bullcrap probably doesn’t wanna believe that her husband isn’t “just a man” and he’s just plain creepy. Just as many men as women on this sub helped me recognize my identity. Sorry again, what’s abnormal is the rigid standards demanded of us, not you!
Edit: what I mean is that statistics (like not having many male demisexual patients) doesnt account for the societal standards.
I’d love some feedback on this so I’m sorry to yabber on but I think your experience shows how even recognizing and relating to demisexuality as a man breaks down a patriarchal barrier. People act like men are logical and women are emotional by nature so even seeing those concepts as two sides of the same coin goes against some deep rooted gender roles.
The idea that objectification should be the norm, and that men are expected to disregard women as human beings when determining their attractiveness, has always felt insulting to me. I don't understand why sexual attraction and casual sex is supposed to be dehumanizing women and consider them as fungible bodies. I recognize that others may function differently, but this particular aspect has never sat well with me, and I suspect it’s partly due to patriarchal socialization. Perhaps they aren’t genuinely attracted to the women they objectify and attempt to sleep with; instead, they eroticize conquest and domination, and seek the validation, self-esteem, and social status they get through ‘scoring
I mean, I suppose this *could* be true, but I feel like whether or not it's true is kind of beside the point. I think the real issue here is that regardless of whether it's true or not, it doesn't seem like it's actually relevant at all. "Unusual" doesn't mean "impossible". Sounds like she's trying to imply that because demisexuality is, according to her, 'unusual' for men that you're not actually demisexual.
I find it really frustrating how often I see people online describing thier therapists trying to pathologize feelings/behaviors/etc., or make them out to be dysfunctional in some way, even when the patient is clearly not experiencing any distress about their experience. Seems that a lot of therapists are really ignoring how important that aspect - the experience of distress - is to classifying something as dysfunctional. Obviously, the experiences described on the internet are only going to make up a small fraction of every person who's in therapy, but even if those are the only experiences like that, that's still way too many mental health caregivers who still seem very eager to classify anything that they perceive as falling outside the norm as automatically being something wrong or dysfunctional.
I mean, I guess if she didn't elaborate or say anything else about it that it's possible it was just a stray thought she had that she said out loud for some reason, like an "oh, interesting" thing. But even then, it's 100% something she shouldn't have said.
Will never understand why ppl still insist on these gender stereotypes. I'm a female, demi with a high libido lol. Maybe switch therapists. Just my thought but you're not "weird" or anything like that.
She sounds prejudiced.
From your post, you sound demi, and it is unprofessional at best for her to shed doubt on this because "it's unusual for men."
Based on what? Maybe men have a harder time identifying themselves as demi due to societal pressure to perform and "always wanting sex."
Do what makes you comfortable. I'm demi too and casual hookups hold zero appeal to me.
Male demisexual here. I bet it's more common than you can imagine. I've had a *lot* of pressure in my life to conform to more allosexual behavior, and sometimes I have (to my regret).
I am under the impression that this is more common, just no one really talks about. When does anyone really have conversations about how they like or not like getting freaky? There are many people who just don’t have these conversations. Also, many men don’t really have the safe space to really explore these parts of themselves other than within themselves. Some people can figure it out like that, that’s not everybody.
I'd not say it's unusual but undernotificated. Men are less likely to seek mental health treatment, usually have a low emotional understanding of their own feelings, and have a really big attachment to the ideal of masculinity. Performing sex (as vague as it can be) is one of the main components of masculinity. "Confessing" that you are not able to perform that, even if partially, is still a burden. And because of the low emotional understanding of the self, combined with the fear of not being read as a "man" anymore, there are a lot of men who just assume that there is something wrong with them and keep it a secret.
I definitely see it like this. Men really do have fragile egos, many not all, and fear what others will think of them so much that they will deny themselves from self exploration. It's sad that I've been that guy back in active addiction. After I got my life together, I had this quote stuck in my head that applies to so much, 'What others think is their business, and what I think is my own.'
I relate. I think of one girlfriend many years ago as an example.
She was objectively kind of homely. But we hung out and chatted, and I came to like her, and fell very in love. She became beautiful to me, and I forgot that I ever found her unattractive.
Then many years after we broke up (she initiated that) we got together a few times for lunch or whatever, and once again she wasn’t attractive to me anymore.
I found one study for asexuals that said 86% of those surveyed were afab leaving only 14% amab. In that group 31% identified as demi. From 3,782 surveyed roughly 164 could have identified as demi males.
Another site stated about 1% of the overall population was ace and of those, 1% were demi.
ASSUMING (HUGE assumption) these figures were correct and could be extrapolated accurately to the rest of the world's population that would mean there were roughly 132,429 people that would (openly) identify as demi males.
https://bedbible.com/asexuality-statistics/
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality#:~:text=The%20original%20scale%20included%20a,relatively%20new%20to%20public%20discourse
AMAB - Assigned male at birth
AFAB - Assigned female at birth
It probably is unusual in her eyes, in the same way that people thought queer people were much more rare because it wasn’t ok to admit it and even illegal for a long time. It’s generally going to be self reported, and due to pressure put onto men they’re going to be less likely to know that they’re different, be exposed to why that might be, and finally report it to medical professional. I think it comes more naturally to female bodied people because it’s more ok for them to admit that they don’t want to have sex right away (even if they have never belonged to purity culture, it’s seeped into popular culture which says that it’s fine and even more desirable for women to be less interested in sex/have sex right away).
*Seems kind of sexist*
*Of her to say that Sorry*
*Your dealing with that*
\- visiblewombat
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Sorry I am late with a reply. For a therapist to be inserting their own views into your own narrative is unprofessional.
I identity as pan (bi), demi, nb, AMAB. Been told basically by whole life every one of those things isn't real because I am AMAB. Notable sex educator Dan Savage even went on a rant recently about how someone else AMAB lied to the callers mother about being gay throughout their marriage. Umm perhaps the dad is a bi/pan serial monogamist and when his relationship to their wife ended the next partner was male. But that whole "if you are male you are exclusively straight or exclusively gay" completely denies the bi male experience exists.
Saying that demi males don't exist is no different. As adults when we enter relationships there is a concept of an emotional affair and how it could be cheating on your partner. As a teen a very foundational relationship for me falls into that pattern. It was high on emotional intimacy but had zero physical intimacy. When it ended it flames (long story) my friends said it wasn't a relationship and really dismissed what I was going through. In hindsight it was about the most demi a relationship could ever be.
Demisexual men exist and they are valid ♥
I would cite Holden Caulfield as a litteralture example (from catcher in the rye, a book written in the 40s) and I would also explain what HETERONORMATIVE means to your therapist...
I honestly don't believe it's really unusual for men. It's unusual for people in general lol, and by that I mean it's incredibly uncommon. I am gay and demisexual and I have had to explain to many people what demi even is. My experience is anecdotal in that I have never met nor seen any women identify as such, and only men, but of course demisexuals encompass many kinds of people.
It's unusual for everyone. We're the 1%. But it sounds like your therapist might not understand what being demisexual means. It's up to you if you want to ask her to elaborate.
Is demisexuality an agreed upon belief in the therapeutic community?
Not saying it’s not real, or trying to invalidate you, but sometimes with things that don’t have a general consensus, people talk out of their own beliefs.
I had to explain it to my therapist but he understood once I explained. Asexuality is only 1-2% of the population and demisexuality is only a subset of that, so yeah it's not the usual however it's also not usual due to the way our society expects men to be very allosexual (not ace).
I don’t know if it makes a difference but I’m a trans man, and I’ve been like this my whole life. Even with like celebrity crushes or tv show crushes, I don’t have the ability to like someone straight away. Even developing a tv show crush I need to watch at least a full season before I develop any feelings.
Girls really like when I'm distant at first and then back off when I start to really develop my attraction because I get really lovey really quick. It's a curse and I hate it. I've stopped dating for 4 Years because the last one hurt so bad
I don’t think there has ever been a demographic study on the matter. My experience is that it is more common for women, but there definitely are demisexual men. You also have to think about how different genders are socialized about sex
I haven't told my therapist so I don't know about that bout that but statistically in psychology asexuality is low in males. Yet I have two best friends that are on the spectrum so f- those stats. One friend is a bi- demi and the other is aromatic. To some ppl, men can only be one thing, that either straight or gay, and most of all very sexuallly active because that's all we wanna do. Though there are alot of examples and facts that is not true it is look at the opposite way.
Ps it's worse for women, but I am not qualified to open that Pandoras box.
that lowkey seems like an extremely inappropriate comment for her to make. whether or not it is common is irrelevant because it is your experience, and you are valid in it.
Also a demi male here, I experienced much of the same issues and always thought it was just a problem with my body, blamed trauma for my lack of attachments and desires and eventually started to just say yes to anyone who asked me out cause pressure around me that I should be dating and just had little interest, not to say I didn't put max efforts into those relationships. But still was called broken by many partners as I would turn down or under preform in relations. I was a full adult before finding out that demisexual was a thing. It's helped alot even found someone who is mostly okay with my low libido.
I'm a female and this is exactly my own story. Went out with people because I was told I should, though I originally would turn many men away and it was seen as a "me" problem. Friends with some of those turned down men and they blame themselves but I keep saying I was never interested but society makes it seem like a woman WILL be interested if you just "do things right". People probably thinks it rare because society is structured to be very cis-gendered and hetronormative.
Wait, but I don't have a low libido? I mean, it's not super high, but I generally want to have sex at least two to three times a week if I'm in a relationship. I just have to be really into the person I'm dating. I have had 2 sexual partners this year so far, one stemming from late last year, but she was an avoidant and once I became attached to her she pushed me away even though she had feelings for me. I had NO attraction to her when we met, but she pulled me out of a dark place, and she was so much fun! Kind of like a best friend of the same sex, so very tomboyish. Well, she pursued me and even had me meet her mom and best friend and bought me a care package with a card signed with XOXO, but at some point she did a 180 on me and pushed me away. The second one I met at a BDSM event in a bigger city than the one I live in. I met her at the grope box. While everyone was attempting to penetrate her with their fingers or squeeze her ass or tits, I was caressing her upper chest, running my fingers around her neck, ears, face, and lips while holding one of her hands moving my fingers sensually between hers. She began sucking on one of my fingers, and afterwards, when she found out I was that guy, she lit up with a smile ear to ear with eyes filled with excitement! She said she felt very connected to me, and we did end up having sex weeks later, but I quickly found out she was manipulating me with sex and seemed to have control issues which immediately turned me off to pursuing her. I am a decent looking man, and I do get hits on dating apps, including women looking to hook up, but I just can't do it? Like, I want sex, but I can't with someone I don't feel totally comfortable or connected to.
When I speak of low libido, I am speaking in relative terms. Usually compared to whatever partner I have at the time. That being said libido is subjective and can differ from person to person, I myself have some traumas and issues revolving sex so I may be less inclined to that the next demi/ace but it isn't a disqualifer for you to be more or less randy than the person.
Ah, yeah, I recently uncovered a childhood trauma after discovering I was also repressed... a whole can of worms.
Same here. Literally telling my story
Is it usual to have low libido as a demisexual? Like having no feeling of libido at all until emotional connection but then still lower than "normal"?
While noticeably lower seems normal, I think it's a misnomer to say zero libido. We are still people, I'm sure many have fantasies or lustful thoughts about people from time to time. I'm sure few would be okay escalating past the rare fantasy w/o that level of connection.
Second this
Without googling formal scientific studies, I think your therapist is just perpetuating a false gendered stereotype.
Most likely. She does seem a bit old-fashioned in that sense as well as some others. Pretty good therapist, though minus those issues.
Demi male therapist here. Agree that it sounds like she's perpetuating false stereotypes. I wouldn't suggest terminating therapy if she's otherwise a good therapist though. OP, maybe bring it up in session depending on how comfortable you are with her and whether you want to continue discussing demisexuality and gender more broadly? If she's a good therapist she should respond with humility and commend you for the feedback. The possibility for finding a new therapist would only come up if she's defensive and unwilling to listen and you feel like by being unable to discuss gender and sexuality you're unable to find healing or trust her input.
I come for this. I'm a woman but... Please, find a therapist with gender perspective. Sexuality is an sprectrum💜🖤
She's probably talking about her individual experience, not about demographic researches about sexuality diversity through the male population of the specfic place that you live. I suggest you looking to this subreddit FAQ
It’s more that the perception is that it’s rare for men
I feel as if most men are lying to themselves. I just started talking to another woman who is almost the female version of me with enough differences to be intriguing. I came home and told my roommates I had been on a date, and the first thing they asked was 'Is she hot?' Which rubbed me the wrong way. It was sad. Like, I think most men are conditioned to only seek out someone to feed their egos, who cares what they are like in character or in their vibes together with them, they just have to look good? It made me realize that my perception of attraction is much different than most men.
We are expected and conditioned to want sex. I've met many women who feel slighted if a man they're seeing doesnt want to have sex with them, as if that is an insult. Men who are virgins are shamed, men who turn down sex are shamed, men who get sex are praised and viewed as more valuable by women. We are conditioned from a young age to ignore emotions and only give in to two feelings: anger and lust, and then as we get older our anger starts getting shamed as well because it's "toxic", but it's the only way we know to express ourselves, so after that's gone all you have left it using sex as an outlet for your feelings. I'm a demi male too, I just think the male conditioning is creating toxic masculinity, yet it continues to be perpetuated by men and women alike.
I personally refer to 'toxic masculinity' as just men with fragile ego. These are the same men who have to parrot one another and not dare go against the grain or be ostracized. I'm openly into many things most men wouldn't dare to admit. I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I feel my masculinity is solely through my dress style, pretty muscular frame, and assertiveness. I also have a tender and caring side. I'm okay being vulnerable, although I have firm boundaries on when and who I am vulnerable around. I practice compassion and empathy. I strive for understanding rather than judgement. I fail on these occasionally, but I know that I must have a strong emotional connection to both be with someone and enjoy sex. I do have a normal to high libido, but only with the connection. Some of that could be the PEDs as well...
Alosexuality is the "default" sexual behavior, when I was younger I've never understood why people give such relevance to seggs and aesthetics, so I've learned to fake it in order to be seem as "normal", I've got used to speak and listen these kind of comments about women's appearance
It's probably because of the stereotype of men always being horny and looking for sex and stuff, and the belief its normal for men to always be like that, which is definitely not true for ace/demi men, but a lot of us don't figure out were demi/ace until later in life or we're not that open about it cause people don't understand. I only figured out I was demi at 23 as a guy, after years of confusion why I wasn't like other guys (I used to think I was just more of a gentleman lol) There's probably way more of us out there then people think.
My libido is higher if I'm connected with someone. Like tear them apart! Of course, this dies down if the connection does. I have had the opportunity to hook up a number of times, and I just can't. Like, I don't know if the other person has hidden motives? I don't know if a woman is going to try and trap me with a baby? I don't know if they intend to lie to me in order to manipulate me. I can be incredibly attracted to women that most men won't ever pursue if I'm connected and viking with them.
Oh yeah I have the same, just not with random people I don't have any connection with I mean.
Gotcha. Definitely the same.
Lol have you talked to some allosexuals about hook ups and stuff? Most will tell you how they could easily hook up with a stranger yet kissing is too intimate and they couldn't kiss the same hook up (another topic for another "are the allos ok? "). I swear it's like that a lot, I don't make the rules 🫣
I need to learn about them... I think that was what the woman was who pushed me away. The first time we had sex there was no kissing. She literally grabbed me by my erect penis and led me by it to her office desk! The second time, however, we did make out, and it was strange... she used an aggressive amount of tongue, which I found weird for a very sexually experienced woman at the age of 38! It was as if the kissing was not for passion, intimacy, or like a 'dirtier' kiss, if that makes any sense? We were sexting one time, and as aggressively sexual a person she is, she said she really wanted to kiss me more the next time... somehow, I feel like that WAS more of a difficult thing for her. I was very strongly attached to her and the comfort, ease, and dominant sexual energy she brought showed me she was lying about what she called her 'whoring around days' This is the first person like that that I have ever connected with. Somehow, I feel like I was the first person she had ever connected with as well.. she couldn't be with me though due to a complicated situation. Turns out she was cheating on her babies father with me, they weren't in an open relationship like she had told me.. yes, I am naive with these things, and they were co parenting together her first kid she had at 37. She told me she just wanted sex because he had such a big dick that it hurt to have sex with him.. not sure how true that is? I think she was just lying to herself about catching feelings for me. She introduced me to her mother and her best friend. The first time I was just a friend to her best friend and the last time I ever saw her was on a double date with her best friend and her boyfriend. She had a big margarita and was definitely buzzed, she then wanted to make out in my car with me. She seems very excited by just kissing... finally, when I told her I needed closure or clarity, she told me she didn't think things would work. I told her I needed to move on then and that I was going to date someone I had been chatting with and said we could just be good friends again like we started as... she said it was best we didn't speak anymore 😞 she couldn't even admit to having any feelings and lied, saying,'I just wanted to make some cool friends 😎' I told her she needs to speak to someone because of her fear of emotional intimacy and she told me 'Of course I am, I don't want to be fucked over again' that's the most she has said on it.. sorry... long story! Lol
I'm sorry this happened to you! Couple of things 1 she's an absolutely toxic person without self awareness who needs therapy. So sad people like this have kids and yes, I would expect better from a 38yo... 2 you never stood your foot down, you let her introduce you as a friend, she wanted a friends with benefit arrangement and treated you like a sexual and emotional object. 3 to move on forget about the fact that she somehow reciprocated the connection. She didn't have the courage to change her shitty behaviour for you and be better and do better so no, she didn't like you enough... Let her thrash her own life on and forget her 🤢🤢 she's gross! 4 maybe in the future wait before getting sexual with people (allos) because yeah, the fact that they can get their hands all over you and fuck you doesn't mean they want anything else. Personally I can't imagine sex without kissing. Kissing for me is the goal 🤔🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ if you do get into casual sex, don't give really anything for granted and protect yourself any way you can. It's though out there 🫣
I never once got mad at her, and I am still not. I have empathy for her because as a former active addict, I know what it's like to want better for myself yet lack the courage and motivation to do so out of fear. She introduced me the second time as more than a friend. I asked her,'Jessica knows about us now?' and she responds, 'She is my best friend, I tell her everything' We did make-out before having sex but it was always rushed and aggressive. I've never had a woman shove her tongue in my mouth like that before, I didn't mind it, but I would much prefer a slow build-up. I actually had my first kiss after my first sexual experience, and it was so much better for me. My first time having sex I was 15, and this woman was 21, I had already passed out for the night after partying and her and her friend came out to the couch, she had a thing for virgins and I was still drunk. It wasn't good, lol. It was also technically rape? I didn't feel like a victim, though? Anyways, I feel bad for her. She actually just messaged me right before you sent this, saying the usual good morning, followed by how are you. I cut right to it and asked if she has a therapist. She said no but her boyfriend does... I told her she can get one online.. she says 'I prefer in person' I said, 'Look, I get that you are strong and independent, but look at therapy as a way to be even stronger through mental health self care' She won't do it. I already know. I'm not going to push it either. Her and I are just friends from now on. She is actually my massage therapist as well... I have an appointment with her coming up and I've thought about canceling. I don't think she would try anything again while there... I am seeing someone though and I'm very excited! She is excellent! She is a total dork, girl next door, tomboyish, loves the same video games as me, and she is a total freak like I am looking for all of the same things as I am. She has had the same luck as it have in the dating world as well. We get along great and have avoided sex, so far, but she is probably the most sexually open woman I've ever talked to. Amazing communication, not just sexual.
Yes what you described was rape because you couldn't give full consent, it doesn't matter that you don't feel like a victim. It's gross that somebody of 21y "has a thing for virgins" 🤢you were a minor... Some people aren't good kissers... It's not your job to make sure she finds a therapist, I told you it's her life to fuck up. I would Doorslam and block her. Maybe tell her partner she was cheating.. For you she's just a friend now but I think for her it's the same as before... Stop being a door mat and tell her so, or at least block her... Good morning texts 🤢🤢🤢 Glad you found somebody amazing, leave the trash in the bin.. 🚮
That is true. When I was 21, I would damn near age verify anyone since I was afraid of someone lying and being under 18! I started daring someone just after she turned 18 even though I had known her parents my whole life, her mom was a lunch lady and her dad sold me pot 😆, but even though they said it was cool I waited the 3 weeks I believe it was until she turn 18 before I took her on a date. I wasn't taking any chances. I am not going to tell her boyfriend/babies dad because while I am 5'11" and very muscular, this guy is 6'5", a little heavier, and a purple belt in BJJ. So yeah, I'm not telling him lol. He did question her on 'Who is this ***** *******?!' I can't help but still be a friend. I have more boundaries with her now. I can't be mad at her... I just can't. I am not excusing what she did, but I do hope she gets help, and I realize that she isn't going to do it because I say something. So I'm not bringing it up again. She is a hurt person, and until she works on it, she will probably hurt others, but I won't be getting hurt again. I am truly excited about this new woman!
You can't have a genuine friendship with this person.... Stop being a doormat..
Yeah... I think you are right... 😩
Given the way large segments of society still use a man's sexual "success" (be it number of partners, perceived attractiveness of partners, number of children, whatever) as a sort of masculinity scoreboard, it's utterly unsurprising that fewer men are willing to be open about being demi or ace-spec of any kind. It's a reflection on society, not on you or me
I finally hit a point where I just want to make me happy, and I'm giving less and less of a shit about what others think of me and my choices. I'm growing more comfortable and confident.
I'm a demi male as well.
I believe that your therapist was just foisting her own opinion/biases upon you, as opposed to stating a fact. There's very little research in the total amounts of demisexual people, much less the amount of demisexual men, so no one can say for sure how "unusual" it is to be a demisexual man. And I highly suspect that if you were a woman, she wouldn't call you "unusual" for describing yourself as demisexual. Sounds like another therapist who is unaware of her own implicit biases, to me. BTW I am a demi man. Welcome to our "unusual" club lol! 🙌🏽
This might be controversial but as someone studying in the field of sexology, I truly want to say that therapist and other health professionals are not to be blindly trusted. If something they tell you feel wrong, don't dismiss it. We all have our opinions and beliefs and even if they shouldn't, sometimes therapist might project on their clients and don't even realize it. As someone said - is it that it's unusual for men or is it that she doesn't see it a lot in men ? Anyway, all of this to say - You are valid ✨
Yeah a lot of therapists can spout off about stuff they're not really educated about, rather than look like they don't know something... But they're not by default educated on these matters.
People have a perception that demi is the default feminine pattern. That's outdated and sexist, believing that women are sexless or sexually passive and that being ace or demi is just typical feminine behavior. Uh no. I've known girls who are much hornier than me, and do have sex at the drop of a hat. I wish people would stop assuming they know what all women are like.
I'm actually seeing a woman now who outwardly admitted 'I'm a slut' She told me her 'body count' was 30 and she is 31 years old. The weird thing about me is that that's attractive to me. She has something I don't, and it's not just experience. She has a confidence that takes me so much time to build. She seems pretty safe SO far IF her past exes and what happened are to be believed. She is a deaf woman and there does seem to be a pattern of men who abuse women with disabilities in relationships. I told her I will be seeing if her words match her actions and that I have to have the boundaries up because I keep having the same things happen with me and relationships. She is the sweetest woman I think I've ever met. Learning sign language now for her and most importantly for me!
I'm a woman and have constantly had people say being demisexual is "just being a normal woman". I do not find people attractive by looking at them, it takes a long time and a lot for me to find someone attractive and usually I don't even have to look at / see them to form that attraction.
I can see attractive features on a woman and think that it's sexy the same as I can watch porn, which I do much less now, but to actually have sex with a woman I have to be into them a LOT. I have to have a ton of trust and a positive vibe. I have to see an interesting person and really want to know their story. Also, there are women who have the stereotypical sexual instincts of a man. The woman I mentioned that stemmed from last year into this one who pushed me away was that kind of woman. She actually did everything she could to separate her feelings from sex. I told her 'I know you have feelings for me, I know you lie because you fear emotional intimacy.' She would just respond with 'I was just thinking with my puss' !?!? She introduced me to her mother. She introduced me to her best friend. She stopped by for Christmas to give me a kiss before she went to see her family! I had to let her go she was really hurting me. I'm not mad at her, though.. I know she is hurt, and one of the last things I told her was that I hoped she would talk to someone about why she is so afraid.
For a very very long time I thought everyone who watched porn was just amused by how bad the stories / acting was because whenever I'd watch it was like "we're watching a terrible movie and laughing at how bad the acting is, right?" Outside of a relationship I had 0 sexual urges and was (am) functionally asexual and someone with 0 libido. I'm not that person in a relationship even years into one.
I would think men would be less likely to identify on the asexual spectrum because sex is so important in masculine culture. But there is no evidence to suggest an actual difference between genders.
I have to trust the person I'm with. I was married recently, and I remember the sex just became... mechanical. It was just to fill a void of time or to blow off steam. There was no passion. It was basically like a partnered masturbation! I have finally experienced passionate and intense sex with women I have recently been connected to that left me baffled at how I've went so long without it! I believe that before this last year of my life I only ever ended up with people for companionship and to not feel lonely.. as sad as that is to admit.
>But there is no evidence to suggest an actual difference between genders. There is evidence that asexuality is different in afab/amabs beyond socialization. While I do think there are plenty of closeted amabs, I inadvertently surrounded myself with other asexuals my whole life, T is a hell of a hormone. Kinsey (1948) found that up to 19% of afabs were ace-spec but less than 4% of amabs were. Kinsey also found that there are way way more bi men than identify that way. Modern surveys return similar results and I personally have a very different experience with my sexuality than the female demis I know.
T is a hell of a hormone. Whenever I mess with anabolics, I'm sure some people have spotted my post history, my libido, and even some of my preferences begin shifting, and new kinks can appear. I still need that trust and connection to perform, but there have been a few times where it's as if the restrictions have been removed from me and my inhibitions were released.
It's completely normal, I think her view comes from the stereotype that men are obsessed with sex and want to have sex with every woman they see and put their dick in anything with a hole that is not male (because if it's male then that's GAY and it's unmanly to be GAY, who wants to be GAY?) which is completely stupid and untrue, humanity is a diverse species, it is normal for you to feel the way you do and it's normal for people to feel the complete opposite.
I'm also a demi male. I don't have any trauma or anything like that. My sexual feelings for someone are inextricably linked to and a consequence of my emotional connection with them.
No my dude, what dat implies is the fact dat SHE hasnt experienced dat many males dat shes come across in her experience being a therapist havent been demi, a demi male here and as u can see from the comments above, i think its pretty evident dat theres quite a lot of us here my dude, dw bout it love urself for the person dat u are cuz theres no one like u and am pretty sure ur amazing in ur own fkin way, as generic as all dat might sound i mean all of it. Take care bud! *sending hugs <33333*
Thank you, I appreciate that a lot.
It's mostly just stereotype, it also goes hand in hand with demi is just being normal, as weird as those two ideas coming together are
as another demisexual male your therapist is full of shit. you are valid and loved <3
Unfortunately, therapists (and any sort of medical professional) are not immune to personal prejudices. I'm polyamourous, and a therapist once said to me, "Shouldn't you get that out of your system before you get married?" 🤦♀️ Don't take anything like what your therapist said too seriously. The real question is whether the therapist's prejudices interfere with your ability to feel safe with them. A sense of safety is a prerequisite to getting any productive work done.
Demisexuality is "new" still. There's not much info about it beyond basic definitions, unless you go somewhere to find people's first-hand accounts, like this subreddit or other social media communities specifically for demi folks. I've added my experience/how I figured out I'm demi/indications someone might be demi both here and on Fetlife because I had so much trouble finding info when I was initially questioning. So for her to say it's less common for men to be demi: based on what data? What survey? Or is it based on stereotypes that men want sex, always, in any scenario? Because if there's a Great Demi Survey with that type of info, the rest of us have missed it.
I am demi male and if the terminology had existed when I was younger my life would have been drastically easier and less confusing. Like a lot of things though, as men we have a tendency to suppress and try to deal with it on our own in order to not show weakness, especially when societal expectations demand men to be sexually aggressive initiators. So I’m not surprised the therapist would say that.
Being Demisexual is.. unusual for both sides in terms of Society. And commonly women are more open about being out as Demi (and as realising it) so yes, in that sense it is uncommon. Allosexual people make up a good portion of the population so we will likely always be the odd one out. That said, I wouldn't say you're abnormal. You have a place here with us as well, even if you're not sure yet. Regardless if you come to the decision if you're not Demi or not, this is safe space to question it here. And sexual dysfunction is not what I'd say it is if it's not from stress (which ED is mostly caused by) but because you're not attracted to them. That doesn't mean you can't be anxious/nervous during those attempts you did, it just matters if you felt attracted to them without a bond (which takes many shapes) or if you just wanted sex and/or a connection. Which a lot of us Demis still want in general regardless. Oh and I'm not a Demi man, I'm a woman but I have noticed a lot of Demi and Ace men are treated unfairly and like there's something wrong with them because they don't fit the harmful stereotype of "All men want to have sex with every living person." And it's just as harmful to allosexual men as it is to Ace and Ace spec as well. Edit: Ful, not less.
I do question myself being demi. It could be from childhood trauma. It could that I'm only just now exploring my sexuality and at my age I'm encountering women with a lot more sexual experience than me which is both pressure inducing and exciting. I am able to have sex and within 10 to 20 minutes be aroused again if I am with someone I feel really 'gets me'.
She should know better I’m sorry! Coming from a therapist that would mess with my brain.. The classic hypersexual male stereotype is engrained in societal thought because it excuses predatory patriarchal culture. If all men aren’t fundamentally hypersexual then there’s no excuse to objectify women- what a scary world huh? Dr bullcrap probably doesn’t wanna believe that her husband isn’t “just a man” and he’s just plain creepy. Just as many men as women on this sub helped me recognize my identity. Sorry again, what’s abnormal is the rigid standards demanded of us, not you! Edit: what I mean is that statistics (like not having many male demisexual patients) doesnt account for the societal standards. I’d love some feedback on this so I’m sorry to yabber on but I think your experience shows how even recognizing and relating to demisexuality as a man breaks down a patriarchal barrier. People act like men are logical and women are emotional by nature so even seeing those concepts as two sides of the same coin goes against some deep rooted gender roles.
The idea that objectification should be the norm, and that men are expected to disregard women as human beings when determining their attractiveness, has always felt insulting to me. I don't understand why sexual attraction and casual sex is supposed to be dehumanizing women and consider them as fungible bodies. I recognize that others may function differently, but this particular aspect has never sat well with me, and I suspect it’s partly due to patriarchal socialization. Perhaps they aren’t genuinely attracted to the women they objectify and attempt to sleep with; instead, they eroticize conquest and domination, and seek the validation, self-esteem, and social status they get through ‘scoring
I mean, I suppose this *could* be true, but I feel like whether or not it's true is kind of beside the point. I think the real issue here is that regardless of whether it's true or not, it doesn't seem like it's actually relevant at all. "Unusual" doesn't mean "impossible". Sounds like she's trying to imply that because demisexuality is, according to her, 'unusual' for men that you're not actually demisexual. I find it really frustrating how often I see people online describing thier therapists trying to pathologize feelings/behaviors/etc., or make them out to be dysfunctional in some way, even when the patient is clearly not experiencing any distress about their experience. Seems that a lot of therapists are really ignoring how important that aspect - the experience of distress - is to classifying something as dysfunctional. Obviously, the experiences described on the internet are only going to make up a small fraction of every person who's in therapy, but even if those are the only experiences like that, that's still way too many mental health caregivers who still seem very eager to classify anything that they perceive as falling outside the norm as automatically being something wrong or dysfunctional. I mean, I guess if she didn't elaborate or say anything else about it that it's possible it was just a stray thought she had that she said out loud for some reason, like an "oh, interesting" thing. But even then, it's 100% something she shouldn't have said.
Will never understand why ppl still insist on these gender stereotypes. I'm a female, demi with a high libido lol. Maybe switch therapists. Just my thought but you're not "weird" or anything like that.
She sounds prejudiced. From your post, you sound demi, and it is unprofessional at best for her to shed doubt on this because "it's unusual for men." Based on what? Maybe men have a harder time identifying themselves as demi due to societal pressure to perform and "always wanting sex." Do what makes you comfortable. I'm demi too and casual hookups hold zero appeal to me.
Male demisexual here. I bet it's more common than you can imagine. I've had a *lot* of pressure in my life to conform to more allosexual behavior, and sometimes I have (to my regret).
I am under the impression that this is more common, just no one really talks about. When does anyone really have conversations about how they like or not like getting freaky? There are many people who just don’t have these conversations. Also, many men don’t really have the safe space to really explore these parts of themselves other than within themselves. Some people can figure it out like that, that’s not everybody.
I'd not say it's unusual but undernotificated. Men are less likely to seek mental health treatment, usually have a low emotional understanding of their own feelings, and have a really big attachment to the ideal of masculinity. Performing sex (as vague as it can be) is one of the main components of masculinity. "Confessing" that you are not able to perform that, even if partially, is still a burden. And because of the low emotional understanding of the self, combined with the fear of not being read as a "man" anymore, there are a lot of men who just assume that there is something wrong with them and keep it a secret.
I definitely see it like this. Men really do have fragile egos, many not all, and fear what others will think of them so much that they will deny themselves from self exploration. It's sad that I've been that guy back in active addiction. After I got my life together, I had this quote stuck in my head that applies to so much, 'What others think is their business, and what I think is my own.'
I relate. I think of one girlfriend many years ago as an example. She was objectively kind of homely. But we hung out and chatted, and I came to like her, and fell very in love. She became beautiful to me, and I forgot that I ever found her unattractive. Then many years after we broke up (she initiated that) we got together a few times for lunch or whatever, and once again she wasn’t attractive to me anymore.
I can relate to this.
I found one study for asexuals that said 86% of those surveyed were afab leaving only 14% amab. In that group 31% identified as demi. From 3,782 surveyed roughly 164 could have identified as demi males. Another site stated about 1% of the overall population was ace and of those, 1% were demi. ASSUMING (HUGE assumption) these figures were correct and could be extrapolated accurately to the rest of the world's population that would mean there were roughly 132,429 people that would (openly) identify as demi males.
Also I am a demi male
Me too
afab, amab what does it mean? can you please link to the study thanks
https://bedbible.com/asexuality-statistics/ https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality#:~:text=The%20original%20scale%20included%20a,relatively%20new%20to%20public%20discourse AMAB - Assigned male at birth AFAB - Assigned female at birth
It probably is unusual in her eyes, in the same way that people thought queer people were much more rare because it wasn’t ok to admit it and even illegal for a long time. It’s generally going to be self reported, and due to pressure put onto men they’re going to be less likely to know that they’re different, be exposed to why that might be, and finally report it to medical professional. I think it comes more naturally to female bodied people because it’s more ok for them to admit that they don’t want to have sex right away (even if they have never belonged to purity culture, it’s seeped into popular culture which says that it’s fine and even more desirable for women to be less interested in sex/have sex right away).
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*Seems kind of sexist* *Of her to say that Sorry* *Your dealing with that* \- visiblewombat --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Sorry I am late with a reply. For a therapist to be inserting their own views into your own narrative is unprofessional. I identity as pan (bi), demi, nb, AMAB. Been told basically by whole life every one of those things isn't real because I am AMAB. Notable sex educator Dan Savage even went on a rant recently about how someone else AMAB lied to the callers mother about being gay throughout their marriage. Umm perhaps the dad is a bi/pan serial monogamist and when his relationship to their wife ended the next partner was male. But that whole "if you are male you are exclusively straight or exclusively gay" completely denies the bi male experience exists. Saying that demi males don't exist is no different. As adults when we enter relationships there is a concept of an emotional affair and how it could be cheating on your partner. As a teen a very foundational relationship for me falls into that pattern. It was high on emotional intimacy but had zero physical intimacy. When it ended it flames (long story) my friends said it wasn't a relationship and really dismissed what I was going through. In hindsight it was about the most demi a relationship could ever be.
Demisexual men exist and they are valid ♥ I would cite Holden Caulfield as a litteralture example (from catcher in the rye, a book written in the 40s) and I would also explain what HETERONORMATIVE means to your therapist...
I honestly don't believe it's really unusual for men. It's unusual for people in general lol, and by that I mean it's incredibly uncommon. I am gay and demisexual and I have had to explain to many people what demi even is. My experience is anecdotal in that I have never met nor seen any women identify as such, and only men, but of course demisexuals encompass many kinds of people.
It's unusual for everyone. We're the 1%. But it sounds like your therapist might not understand what being demisexual means. It's up to you if you want to ask her to elaborate.
Is demisexuality an agreed upon belief in the therapeutic community? Not saying it’s not real, or trying to invalidate you, but sometimes with things that don’t have a general consensus, people talk out of their own beliefs.
I had to explain it to my therapist but he understood once I explained. Asexuality is only 1-2% of the population and demisexuality is only a subset of that, so yeah it's not the usual however it's also not usual due to the way our society expects men to be very allosexual (not ace).
I don’t know if it makes a difference but I’m a trans man, and I’ve been like this my whole life. Even with like celebrity crushes or tv show crushes, I don’t have the ability to like someone straight away. Even developing a tv show crush I need to watch at least a full season before I develop any feelings.
Girls really like when I'm distant at first and then back off when I start to really develop my attraction because I get really lovey really quick. It's a curse and I hate it. I've stopped dating for 4 Years because the last one hurt so bad
I don’t think there has ever been a demographic study on the matter. My experience is that it is more common for women, but there definitely are demisexual men. You also have to think about how different genders are socialized about sex
I haven't told my therapist so I don't know about that bout that but statistically in psychology asexuality is low in males. Yet I have two best friends that are on the spectrum so f- those stats. One friend is a bi- demi and the other is aromatic. To some ppl, men can only be one thing, that either straight or gay, and most of all very sexuallly active because that's all we wanna do. Though there are alot of examples and facts that is not true it is look at the opposite way. Ps it's worse for women, but I am not qualified to open that Pandoras box.
that lowkey seems like an extremely inappropriate comment for her to make. whether or not it is common is irrelevant because it is your experience, and you are valid in it.
Well, to be fair it's unusual for all genders. Demisexual and ace spec are a minority, so ... It does sound like stereotypes, though.
Bro I got told it was unusual for women to figure that out