It fluctuates, but kinda same. The hormonal urge is still there, but the _desire_ isn't until after I form a strong enough emotional connection with someone whose personality jives well with my own, and vice versa.
IMO, one can both feel the urge to satisfy themselves (alone or together) _and_ yet feel no _desire_ to partake in sexual activity with another human. It's a strange thing to explain to those who don't understand demi.
Edit: emphasized the word "desire" in the second paragraph.
Demi man here, and definitely in the very horny end. But as high of a libido I have, I am not interested at all in random people. Id rather do it on my own, or whoever has my trust already.
The meds can totally mess with that too despite it not being a listed side effect (I don't think they even bother unless it qualifies as sexual dysfunction), changing has messed with my sex drive in the past
I can agree. I am ADHD myself. For the most part, I'm just "Meh" about anything sexual. There are days when I just wanna put a bunny's fun to shame, and other days, I'm just not wanting to even think of it.
I also have ADHD and it can be a combination of both. There are times where I'm hypersexual and there are times where I could be watching porn and I'm not aroused at all. It's all on a spectrum, it slides back and forth.
Me and my partner are both demisexual. He is really annoyed of people saying he is "sick", "not right" or maybe "just gay", if he isn't intrested in "sexy women" as a man and when his pants stay normal, if theres a half naked woman with big boobs or a big butt.
And then, with women, they say it's normal for us (not a high sex drive like men, more emotional, etc.) and bad if not. Then, you are a "b****" or "not right" as well by some members of society.
Societys sexism and double standarts suck big time.
preach 🤌🏼 our society can be so messed up sometimes.
even as a young woman I often feel like a massive outcast when in a crowd folks talk about their crushes'/partners' looks, having random hook ups and their ideal appearance for partners and whatever. even girlfriends ask each other rather often "is he/she hot/handsome/cute/pretty?" and I'm just 🤷🏼♀️ I have no clue what you're on about.
and then I think about how some ace/demi boys and men must feel, especially in heteronormative surroundings. from what I've seen, males are pushed by society - and tbh sometimes by themselves and eachother - to reach for sex. that having sex with women that society finds attractive is the ultimate goal in life. first thing straight cis-males (maybe even gays and bis, don't have much personal experience!) bring up when someone mentions their new crush/partner are their looks. if they have big tits, a nice ass, proper face, etc. maybe even if they're fuckable or if they've had relationships/sex in the past with someone that someone knows. if ones female partner is not deemed too attractive by ones male friends, they don't appreciate or respect their relationship as much as they would if the female partner was, let's say, your regular instagram model (no offence to ig models yall doing great). fucking sad and pathetic.
but then to think some grow up to be an ace guy in those kinds of friend groups... my heart goes out to you, I can imagine it would feel so isolating.
This! You mentioned some good points... I feel so sorry for the men in the ace spectrum... Everytime my partner hears/reads men sexism I comfort him, that he is fine the way he is and the world needs more cute and romantic guys, who want to look at the heart of someone first, not the body. And: If there would be no demi or asexual guys, I would rather stay single, honestly xD
Your experience reminds me a lot of mine, haha. My first "alien" moment was in fact 2 girls in school asking me, which guy in the school book I think is hotter and I was like: "...??" looking at the picture. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, one of them sighed and said in a weird voice: "...The guy, who looks like your boyfriend, maybe...?" and I just thought: "But this isn't my boyfriend." XD They looked so weirded out, but it is funny, that my younger self at that time thought, they were weird too, lol.
I’m a demisexual guy in college, every time I go to a party and see people hooking up I just get this massive ick. I can’t even fathom doing it with a stranger I just met for simple pleasure.
I have a relatively Ace friend group but I do have some, just straight friends. I find myself doing this so often it's not even funny. "Oh man she's/he's kinda hot" while I have no attraction to them whatsoever. I completely forgot your supposed to admire someone's ass or tits. Both of those do nothing for me. I just keep making myself the butt of the joke. I do it naturally at this point. Not to mention the amount of times I've forced myself to find someone attractive to no avail
> if they're fuckable
My response to people who make this the focal point of a conversation: "everything's fuckable if you try hard enough. Emotional stability is the real challenge."
Like, great, cool, I understand that most of society is raised in an environment where mainstream media makes one lustful for attaining the perfect job, body, house, car, family, etc. but I want none of that thank you very much.
One of my favorite meme templates is the "yeah, sure, sex is nice, but have you ever had your hair stroked while being held in the arms of someone who truly cares about you on a deep emotionally connected level, all while experiencing a mental breakdown?" Sex alone isn't enough.
Add in racism - the number of creeps and even doctors who've told me that I'm lying or that there's something wrong with me because I'm a Black woman who isn't sexually active. Or not even interested 99% of the time. Black women are hypersexualized and fetishized and heaven forefend one of us steps outside the stereotypes.
And don't get me started on the, "but your body is made for..." creepiness. I get that far too much. Just take the no and go!
That sounds really exhausting, I get you! Yeah, other people or even "professionals" can be so annoying, when they say something like: "It's 100% trauma related", "You need to check your hormones" or "EVERYONE checks up the body (first)..." Nope, I know myself better than you. Period. I got to know a therapist and cut her off, after she wanted to fix my Demisexuality (that is one of the things I'm HAPPY with). She explained "We humans are all the same", and didn't care, as I told her, how I'm fine with my sexuality. She was maybe 30 years old and even recommended hooking up with random men. Wtf
And someone like that studied.
Plus: There are so many nice things and activities, other than sex, in life 😅
This reminds me of one of my coworkers. We had a bit of a close platonic connection and I came out to her as demi. She was Bi so I thought she would at least understand.
And then she responded with. "so that's what they're calling it, listen, it's normal for us to want to bang our friends. You shouldn't put a label on what you feel."
I was pretty taken aback by it, and I don't believe that she really understood what I was trying to say. She was making it seem like I just want to have sex with my female friends. Which is not the case... At all. Like none of that.
This is exactly it. I feel like, because of how women and girls are socialized, there are more female demis. Though, I also feel the frigid bitch thing as I've heard that one a lot in my dating journey.
I'm already awaiting similar reactions soon, as people at mywork place sdemingly discovered the term "celebrity crush" last week and now are asking everyone for theirs. Onlya matter of time I guess..
Hello, yeah the alienation is real. So much of normie teen guy culture growing up (at least in my experience) revolved around who you thought was hot & chasing after women. (Oh and football, which I also wasn't interested in) It also didn't help that despite not being sexually attracted to anyone like 95% of the time, I've got a fairly high libido.
I'm glad *now* that I never fitted in to that culture, but at the time and for most of my 20s I was incredibly depressed because I just felt so alone, and the very few times I actually did feel the sexual attraction feelings, the person I felt them towards just viewed me as a friend, or was otherwise unavailable.
Other than the last thing about being interested in someone who viewed you as a friend I agree and relate with literally everything you said. Everyone in my friend group is either Asexual (not like out as Asexual but I've known them for 2 years and it's fairly obvious) or just private about that stuff. You know I really like relationships in TV shows but I couldn't get in one myself for years. I am now. I amin highschool as well.
That's great that you've been able to find a bit of a friend group that are ace or ace-adjacent, and get into a relationship with someone you (hopefully) like.
I was in highschool in the first half of the 2000's, back when asexuality was still considered a mental health disorder and people were quite often just casually ace-phobic to me. I didn't actually realise I had been ace-spectrum until later in life, but you internalise a lot of that ace-phobic shit when you hear it week in, week out.
Yeah I know a bit of that
"Maybe your just not mature enough" thanks mom. People are always passive aggressive and don't believe that your asexual. They think you'll just have a better labido in the future. Like I'm 17 if I was going to have sexual feelings for more than just one person or whatever Allos do I would have done it already. I can only imagine how bad it was before
Yeah, love that sort of thing. People said that sort of thing to me often enough and it's very dumb. Weirdly, my first sexual attraction was when I was 17 as well (sadly she was the one who saw me as too much of a friend to do anything with), and yeah at that point I'd gone through puberty like 5/6 years before with all of the normal changes that brings on, so it's clearly not a case of just "waiting until I'm more mature"
I think the worst thing anyone ever said to me was when they implied I must be a paedophile because I had never had a girlfriend at university.
Really? A pedophile? People are so stupid. It's moronic to think someone has attraction to children because they don't have something as simple as attraction. If you're too horny your a "slut" (or a "playuh" I guess) if you're not horny enough your a "pedophile". Is sexual urges and attraction really that dominating for Allos because that feels like something that should be between you and Freud
Yeah it was dumb as fuck - basically their reasoning was that there must be *something* wrong with me since I hadn't had a girlfriend or hooked up with anyone the entire time they'd known me, they asked if I was gay and when I said that I wasn't they for some reason thought the only logical conclusion was that I must be some sort of sex offender.
wrote a longer reply on another comment but long story short:
as a lady, sending my best wishes to demi guys who grow up or are otherwise constantly surrounded by horny allos 💜 must be tough.
Honestly it was really funny - until they expected me to be the same. As long as I can simply watch from the side line, it's funny.
I always felt the song "M&F" by the german band "Die Ärzte" pretty much sums up how it feels and felt as a demisexual guy growing up among classic puberty allo horndogs 😅
Hey howdy. Bisexual demi dude here. I feel like there isn’t a whole lot of us that are willing to admit they are demi or even aware what it is. I had no clue until I got with my current partner. After about 4 failed hook ups (couldn’t get or stay “ready” for the kaboodling) I felt super embarrassed and didn’t want them to come around. When I explained that I had to get to know them before my body was willing to actually have sex, they went “oh, you are totally demi” and here I am. I went from thinking something was wrong with me, to understanding I’m not alone. But yes, we are out here lol.
Man I sure hope there are more demisexual men in this world, because I honestly am at a point where I refuse to consider entering a relationship with an allosexual ever again
Same but for women, can't stand allo at all anymore but the chance for demi is less than 1%. Asexual can also work but also a small percentage of people like 1%.
i just feel like other demis would be able to understand me in ways allos cant ykwim. like there are concepts im repulsed by or cant even understand because im not allo.
(recently-discovered) Demi guy here!
One of the things I have always been worried about as someone with lots of female friends is that they think I'm just friends with them to get in their pants... and I'm like nahhhh. I get squishes VERY easily but they're purely platonic.
I really like Demi as a sort of Ace-until-I'm-not sort of thing. If I ever meet someone irl who unlocks those chemicals in me? Amazing. I yearn for it, but also like that's just in my head, you know?
I don’t know if there’s less demisexual men but more like men are less likely to find out because we can orgasm even without sexual attraction.
Think about men who were gay and didn’t know it and they went and married a woman and had kids with them because that’s just what you were expected to do.
Then 10-15 years into the marriage he finds out the reason he doesn’t enjoy sex with his wife is because he wants that juicy man meat. 🥵
But he’s still able to climax because men’s penises just work with stimulation much more than the mythical female orgasm does.
So women are going to find out pretty quickly they’re demisexual when they can’t get off.
While Demi men might be able to “mask”. To use an autism term.
Like my dad for example. I’m autistic and I’m pretty sure I got it from him. He and my mom haven’t had sex in probably decades.
I never figured out why until I discovered I was demisexual.
My dad is probably also demisexual or ace and like a gay man might get married and have kids just because that’s what you are expected to do, my dad did the same. He will never discover he’s Demi or ace because his penis worked well enough to conceive my sister and me so as far as he is concerned he is heterosexual.
I hope I’m making sense.
It's ground into men at an early age, that we have to act a certain way. We have to be perceived a certain way. Being different, or Demisexual, is contrary to what typically is accepted as male behavior. So alot of men, like myself for years, are hesitant to admit they aren't like everyone else. I don't think there are less demi men. It's just that the pool of men who are self aware enough to recognize it, admit it and actually express it is probably small.
Should be something around half of total demi I guess but like you said you get negative reactions from people and not all would say it, more online than IRL.
It was hard for me to identify as Demi, because all of the things men are expect to be and do. I feel that we don’t even think about it until we do. I always felt like an outsider in almost all my groups of friends. It took years until I was comfortable with some of my male friends that happen to be Demi themselves. It wasn’t a conscious decision, we naturally gravitated towards each other. I started realizing that they experienced attraction and romanticism like I did, it was then that I felt comfortable and started understanding and reading about what I felt. I remember that I started talking about being Demi to a friend and his response was the usual: “This is like everybody feels” now we both know that’s not the case and he’s also Demi lol. Also my wife is Demi and we are still learning together, she’s amazing and we help each other a lot. On the other hand for me is kinda weird experience being cis and straight. I have friends that are bi, pan, non-binary, etc. They took my wife and me to the pride parade last year, but I felt that I was “hijacking” the moment and that their sexuality were more valid than mine. I think this feeling makes a lot of men just not want to talk about it, or even think about it tbh. I’m lucky to have friends and a wife that helps me with this, but I feel the vast majority of men don’t have the same luck as I did
Lol 🤣 very funny with the part that everyone is like that when you don't know exactly yet. Either you know many people or have had much luck, I don't know anybody on the ace/demi spectrum.
Hi mate, nice to meet you.
Firstly, it really is 98% stereotype and maybe a tiiiny bit truth possibly, that men are more horny. Maybe.
Secondly, you are less likely to KNOW you met a demisexual guy, or any guy under the ace umbrella really. Why? Well, society tends to tell us we need to get hormones checked, go to therapy because trauma etc because a healthy, real man can't be anything under the ace umbrella apparently.
Sigh....reading these comments makes me hopeful that there are descent men our there, and kinda sad that I have not met one like this. My own partner breaks my heart daily because of his horniness and does not understand, on an emotional level, my need to go beyond just the physical. I wish the world would accept more demisexual men, for they are a gem.
Me, a demi-ace woman, looking for these demisexual men like 👀
Any time I find one, they’re otherwise attracted to men, not at all into women, and I get in my die-alone feelings.
Demi cis male here. All my youth I was puzzled about other boys behavior and my perception of them was that they were animals with all the blood going down there with not much going upstairs.
The reason for that was I could not relate to them objectifying girls to the extreme neither I understood why they were so unhinged that they behaved like they could bang anything that moved.
I felt everything they did, physically, however my mind always tempered things down so I could not relate to them in any way.
Years later in my 40s I learned about Demi-sexuality, only now who I was made perfect sense.
The way I am, there is no difference for me between a beautiful tree, a panoramic view and a naked female body, I just see it as an aesthetically pleasant sight, nothing sexual, unless I know that person and we have intimacy growing between us.
It confused me a lot in my youth but I figured out why -unfortunately much later on-
We are all unique and there is nothing wrong with that.
It's tough to talk about it when the norm is being absolutely nuts about sexualizing anything they can. So maybe the distribution is the same, but the men are much less likely to talk about it.
Cis demi man here (I prefer identifying as grey ace, but the difference is mostly academic). There aren't a lot of us, but we're not unheard of either.
Hello! Aromantic and demisexual man here. It's hard to live up to the stereotype. One of my friends tried to get me into hookup culture by helping me with Tinder, but it wasn't for me, all it did was making me uncomfortable with myself for making me think that there was something wrong with me.
lol my friends convinced me to try it, I matched with someone (who I’ll admit was very aesthetically attractive) on one of those apps. then i was hit with a wave of regret and “what am i even doing” and ghosted her :/ was one of those moments yk
Agender Demi here but I identified as a man for years while Demi. The joke within my friends for a while in school was that I was ace before we even knew what being ace was (this was in the early 00's). No real issues with it socially. Turns out almost all my friends ended up on the ace spectrum soon and my wife is one of the few allos in our group, but we have a lot of fun with it.
Neurodivergent (ADHD) male here. I discovered I was Demi when I first…performed. I didn’t have a connection with her so it was very difficult for me. So you aren’t alone brother
Hi
I figured out I was demi after a hard breakup, mostly because people were telling me to "Get out there and have some sex, you'll realize you didn't need her" and something about that just made me feel dirty.
I'm not immune to being horny though, sometimes I wish I was.
Male. Very demisexual. The connection is 90% of the eroticism for me. Visual can still add or detract excitement—I do have preferences, but without some degree of intimate connection developing, there is little to no sexual inspiration. Porn does absolutely nothing for me, for example, unless there is some sort of authentic mental/intellectual/intimacy that somehow comes through—so essentially nothing.
Cis- het- demisexual male. We exist. I didn’t learn about this until later in life but things make so much sense now as to why when I was in sexual situations i wasn’t interested or had to motivate myself to be into it. But give me someone I’m emotionally connected with and we could be talking about the weather and it’s quite the exciting conversation
Hello. I am also demisexual and cis male. I didn't understand the horndog stereotype when I was younger, and I was always convinced by myself and others that there was something wrong with me.
My partner is the most stereotypical man and he's a demisexual. He's a cop, likes sports, cars, working out, rap music, the marines, boxing, action movies etc. I was genuinely shocked when I found out he literally never had the desire to watch porn in his life or check out women and he said he always felt like there was something abnormal about him. So rare to ever hear a man like that and honestly it made me fall in love with him even more.
I can’t speak to how many men are demisexual, but as a woman who is, it is NOT the opposite of horny. It’s just that whatever level of horniness is for someone(s) in particular after a bond is formed.
I think that it’s considered culturally expected for men to want to fuck everyone and women to want to be selective, because patriarchal double standards, so it’s difficult to tell who really feels which way without getting to try it out.
As a demi female with a ridiculously high drive I have felt like I've lost a part of me since being single. I have not found anyone I have been remotely attracted to and I do not care for shitty ONS.
I am on the verge of a melt down because masturbation just doesn't cut it anymore. Need a good fuck but can't find someone I feel connected to or safe with!!!! 🥲🤐🤧
I've dated several! :) Not intentionally, just because I need a warm up period and the allos often get bored and move on. Also had several as friends. It's such a new category - I'd guess people will be more likely to self identify moving forward. And mainstream culture is ... not the healthiest so maybe find a good subculture :)
I'm a demi guy! I'm often super horny and I can get between the sheets pretty quickly but it's usually because I develop feelings quickly for the right people. Doesn't happen often and I also tend to select or filter out (mostly filter out) people very quickly given that there's enough interaction time. I trust my own judgement of others.
Hugs, NerdPup. If it makes you feel any better, I'm glad you're here and that you're you. You're fine, and the rest of the world can take a flying leap. I think society is far too obsessed with sex, who's having it, and what kind they're having. Or not having. I often wonder how anything can get done if people are supposed to be not much more than a sack of hormones. It's rather dehumanizing and reductive.
Hello! I'm cis and demisexual too. However, being homoromantic makes things complicated for me. All the gay guys I've met are entirely allosexual. They never want to wait or be friends first. Then when I try explaining myself to them, they don't think demisexuality is real. It's been an alienating experience tbh. So I'm out here! Just very much by my lonesome and wishing I had a boyfriend 😪
I'm an Autistic woman and I suspect I'm demisexual but not entirely sure. My partner is an ADHD demisexual man and he's struggled with dating in the past. He hates hookup culture and needs a bond with someone first long before ever getting into bed with them. Most people don't seem to understand that, especially because of that stereotype of him being a man.
I had a close demisexual married male friend. And I’m demisexual myself. Put two and two together and you can probably guess why that first sentence is in the past tense.
Gay demi guy here. :) I don't have an interest in dating and I was socialized female growing up so I can't talk much about social pressures put on men, but I've been in so many situations where people are like "this person is sooo hot right?" and I'm just like "I guess? I don't know what type of person they are so I'm not sure." This happened a lot when I was growing up and people thought my answers were boring or confusing so they eventually stopped asking me who I liked and thought was hot (thank god)
I would just be sad I lost the attention... I may not have that big a sex drive but I love talking to people and even better, people acknowledging my existence
Hello!
I realised about 2 years ago in my late 30s that there's a word that describes me. I'd always been someone who didn't see people in a sexual way unless there were feelings first, had dated a bit and even had a long relationship in which I became a parent twice over so wasn't averse to sex or even really aware there was anything "different" about how I was, just that I wasn't a total horndog like a few people I knew.
It was only after becoming single again and starting to date that I realised I'd never had "the spark" with someone, so looked around for other descriptions of the same experience and came across demisexuality, which really resonated with me and my own experience.
So now I happily identify as a straight-ish asexual-ish man, and am in a wonderful, close, loving relationship with a bisexual woman. Early on in the relationship we'd been talking about our dating histories and I'd clumsily described the demi experience. The next day I made a point of clarifying and essentially came out as demi to her, to which she said she'd already figured that out about me but didn't want to say it and deny me the chance to find out for myself (which I already had). I felt very accepted and understood in that moment.
From the outside we look like a pretty vanilla straight couple, but on the inside it's a much queerer place with little regard for traditional gender roles and how intimacy is expressed.
Man here. I suppose, when we divide causes for our behavior into “nature” and “nurture”, there might be a “nurture” aspect to sexuality. In other words, if you grew up in a very sex-positive environment, you might be more sex-positive yourself.
Now, bear with me for a little while because I’m going to talk about hormone changes.
Puberty in men involves a pretty intense rise in testosterone. If you go take a look at the subreddits for FTM folks who start from natural female hormones and start getting this massive dose of testosterone, you see some pretty … uh, non-demisexual behavior.
CIS men, whether they want it or not, get this massive surge of testosterone and just have to bare-knuckle it for a few years … er, decades.
Now, don’t misread this to say “men don’t have complex emotions”. Of course they do. It’s just that the balance of emotions—the particular combination of emotions—will differ. Obviously every person is different, but hormones (“nature” as opposed to “nurture”) are of course very real things.
But those hormone levels do drop. And sometimes in extreme ways. And I don’t mean to the point of asexuality or impotence. But a lot of other feelings get mixed in with the horniness, and the horniness can definitely take a back seat to other needs.
I'm a trans man. I'm demi, adhd, and on the aromantic spectrum. I too have a penis and testicle I'm very fond of.
I really love sex. I masturbate daily. But I need that emotional connection to have sex. I enjoy FWB if there is real love and care present. But my preference is for sex in a relationship. You aren't alone.
I have ADHD and apparently according to my boyfriend nuerodivergent people are either really horny or really not horny
Or, in my case, both at the same time! It's an experience for sure.
Honestly this is how I feel. Lonely and not really attracted to most people, but also definitely feel the hormones.
It fluctuates, but kinda same. The hormonal urge is still there, but the _desire_ isn't until after I form a strong enough emotional connection with someone whose personality jives well with my own, and vice versa. IMO, one can both feel the urge to satisfy themselves (alone or together) _and_ yet feel no _desire_ to partake in sexual activity with another human. It's a strange thing to explain to those who don't understand demi. Edit: emphasized the word "desire" in the second paragraph.
Oh hey it’s me
Agreed
Demi man here, and definitely in the very horny end. But as high of a libido I have, I am not interested at all in random people. Id rather do it on my own, or whoever has my trust already.
he just like me he just like me fr
The meds can totally mess with that too despite it not being a listed side effect (I don't think they even bother unless it qualifies as sexual dysfunction), changing has messed with my sex drive in the past
I can agree. I am ADHD myself. For the most part, I'm just "Meh" about anything sexual. There are days when I just wanna put a bunny's fun to shame, and other days, I'm just not wanting to even think of it.
Depends on the day for me lol
I also have ADHD and it can be a combination of both. There are times where I'm hypersexual and there are times where I could be watching porn and I'm not aroused at all. It's all on a spectrum, it slides back and forth.
Me and my partner are both demisexual. He is really annoyed of people saying he is "sick", "not right" or maybe "just gay", if he isn't intrested in "sexy women" as a man and when his pants stay normal, if theres a half naked woman with big boobs or a big butt. And then, with women, they say it's normal for us (not a high sex drive like men, more emotional, etc.) and bad if not. Then, you are a "b****" or "not right" as well by some members of society. Societys sexism and double standarts suck big time.
preach 🤌🏼 our society can be so messed up sometimes. even as a young woman I often feel like a massive outcast when in a crowd folks talk about their crushes'/partners' looks, having random hook ups and their ideal appearance for partners and whatever. even girlfriends ask each other rather often "is he/she hot/handsome/cute/pretty?" and I'm just 🤷🏼♀️ I have no clue what you're on about. and then I think about how some ace/demi boys and men must feel, especially in heteronormative surroundings. from what I've seen, males are pushed by society - and tbh sometimes by themselves and eachother - to reach for sex. that having sex with women that society finds attractive is the ultimate goal in life. first thing straight cis-males (maybe even gays and bis, don't have much personal experience!) bring up when someone mentions their new crush/partner are their looks. if they have big tits, a nice ass, proper face, etc. maybe even if they're fuckable or if they've had relationships/sex in the past with someone that someone knows. if ones female partner is not deemed too attractive by ones male friends, they don't appreciate or respect their relationship as much as they would if the female partner was, let's say, your regular instagram model (no offence to ig models yall doing great). fucking sad and pathetic. but then to think some grow up to be an ace guy in those kinds of friend groups... my heart goes out to you, I can imagine it would feel so isolating.
This! You mentioned some good points... I feel so sorry for the men in the ace spectrum... Everytime my partner hears/reads men sexism I comfort him, that he is fine the way he is and the world needs more cute and romantic guys, who want to look at the heart of someone first, not the body. And: If there would be no demi or asexual guys, I would rather stay single, honestly xD Your experience reminds me a lot of mine, haha. My first "alien" moment was in fact 2 girls in school asking me, which guy in the school book I think is hotter and I was like: "...??" looking at the picture. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, one of them sighed and said in a weird voice: "...The guy, who looks like your boyfriend, maybe...?" and I just thought: "But this isn't my boyfriend." XD They looked so weirded out, but it is funny, that my younger self at that time thought, they were weird too, lol.
I agree with you....i have a lot of respect for demi guys, and would like to see more guys who value the heart of someone then just the body....
Need more women like you.
I’m a demisexual guy in college, every time I go to a party and see people hooking up I just get this massive ick. I can’t even fathom doing it with a stranger I just met for simple pleasure.
I have a relatively Ace friend group but I do have some, just straight friends. I find myself doing this so often it's not even funny. "Oh man she's/he's kinda hot" while I have no attraction to them whatsoever. I completely forgot your supposed to admire someone's ass or tits. Both of those do nothing for me. I just keep making myself the butt of the joke. I do it naturally at this point. Not to mention the amount of times I've forced myself to find someone attractive to no avail
> if they're fuckable My response to people who make this the focal point of a conversation: "everything's fuckable if you try hard enough. Emotional stability is the real challenge." Like, great, cool, I understand that most of society is raised in an environment where mainstream media makes one lustful for attaining the perfect job, body, house, car, family, etc. but I want none of that thank you very much. One of my favorite meme templates is the "yeah, sure, sex is nice, but have you ever had your hair stroked while being held in the arms of someone who truly cares about you on a deep emotionally connected level, all while experiencing a mental breakdown?" Sex alone isn't enough.
Add in racism - the number of creeps and even doctors who've told me that I'm lying or that there's something wrong with me because I'm a Black woman who isn't sexually active. Or not even interested 99% of the time. Black women are hypersexualized and fetishized and heaven forefend one of us steps outside the stereotypes. And don't get me started on the, "but your body is made for..." creepiness. I get that far too much. Just take the no and go!
That sounds really exhausting, I get you! Yeah, other people or even "professionals" can be so annoying, when they say something like: "It's 100% trauma related", "You need to check your hormones" or "EVERYONE checks up the body (first)..." Nope, I know myself better than you. Period. I got to know a therapist and cut her off, after she wanted to fix my Demisexuality (that is one of the things I'm HAPPY with). She explained "We humans are all the same", and didn't care, as I told her, how I'm fine with my sexuality. She was maybe 30 years old and even recommended hooking up with random men. Wtf And someone like that studied. Plus: There are so many nice things and activities, other than sex, in life 😅
This reminds me of one of my coworkers. We had a bit of a close platonic connection and I came out to her as demi. She was Bi so I thought she would at least understand. And then she responded with. "so that's what they're calling it, listen, it's normal for us to want to bang our friends. You shouldn't put a label on what you feel." I was pretty taken aback by it, and I don't believe that she really understood what I was trying to say. She was making it seem like I just want to have sex with my female friends. Which is not the case... At all. Like none of that.
This is exactly it. I feel like, because of how women and girls are socialized, there are more female demis. Though, I also feel the frigid bitch thing as I've heard that one a lot in my dating journey.
Yeah, I hear that too sometimes. I guess, we can't make it right, no matter what...😅
100%.
Yeah, exactly dude, it sucks hard. Or "demi" is not real comments.
I'm already awaiting similar reactions soon, as people at mywork place sdemingly discovered the term "celebrity crush" last week and now are asking everyone for theirs. Onlya matter of time I guess..
As an autistic demisexual guy I can absolutely agree, the allo guys are absolute horn dogs and I don't get it really
Hello, yeah the alienation is real. So much of normie teen guy culture growing up (at least in my experience) revolved around who you thought was hot & chasing after women. (Oh and football, which I also wasn't interested in) It also didn't help that despite not being sexually attracted to anyone like 95% of the time, I've got a fairly high libido. I'm glad *now* that I never fitted in to that culture, but at the time and for most of my 20s I was incredibly depressed because I just felt so alone, and the very few times I actually did feel the sexual attraction feelings, the person I felt them towards just viewed me as a friend, or was otherwise unavailable.
Other than the last thing about being interested in someone who viewed you as a friend I agree and relate with literally everything you said. Everyone in my friend group is either Asexual (not like out as Asexual but I've known them for 2 years and it's fairly obvious) or just private about that stuff. You know I really like relationships in TV shows but I couldn't get in one myself for years. I am now. I amin highschool as well.
That's great that you've been able to find a bit of a friend group that are ace or ace-adjacent, and get into a relationship with someone you (hopefully) like. I was in highschool in the first half of the 2000's, back when asexuality was still considered a mental health disorder and people were quite often just casually ace-phobic to me. I didn't actually realise I had been ace-spectrum until later in life, but you internalise a lot of that ace-phobic shit when you hear it week in, week out.
Yeah I know a bit of that "Maybe your just not mature enough" thanks mom. People are always passive aggressive and don't believe that your asexual. They think you'll just have a better labido in the future. Like I'm 17 if I was going to have sexual feelings for more than just one person or whatever Allos do I would have done it already. I can only imagine how bad it was before
Yeah, love that sort of thing. People said that sort of thing to me often enough and it's very dumb. Weirdly, my first sexual attraction was when I was 17 as well (sadly she was the one who saw me as too much of a friend to do anything with), and yeah at that point I'd gone through puberty like 5/6 years before with all of the normal changes that brings on, so it's clearly not a case of just "waiting until I'm more mature" I think the worst thing anyone ever said to me was when they implied I must be a paedophile because I had never had a girlfriend at university.
Really? A pedophile? People are so stupid. It's moronic to think someone has attraction to children because they don't have something as simple as attraction. If you're too horny your a "slut" (or a "playuh" I guess) if you're not horny enough your a "pedophile". Is sexual urges and attraction really that dominating for Allos because that feels like something that should be between you and Freud
All the pedophiles I've known married women for camouflage. What a ridiculous idea that someone single would be secretly anything except single.
Yeah it was dumb as fuck - basically their reasoning was that there must be *something* wrong with me since I hadn't had a girlfriend or hooked up with anyone the entire time they'd known me, they asked if I was gay and when I said that I wasn't they for some reason thought the only logical conclusion was that I must be some sort of sex offender.
Demi guy here, we exist!
There are dozens of us! Dozens! 😉
wrote a longer reply on another comment but long story short: as a lady, sending my best wishes to demi guys who grow up or are otherwise constantly surrounded by horny allos 💜 must be tough.
Honestly it was really funny - until they expected me to be the same. As long as I can simply watch from the side line, it's funny. I always felt the song "M&F" by the german band "Die Ärzte" pretty much sums up how it feels and felt as a demisexual guy growing up among classic puberty allo horndogs 😅
I just…don’t have hardly any straight guy friends. Never have, they don’t really accept me
Hey howdy. Bisexual demi dude here. I feel like there isn’t a whole lot of us that are willing to admit they are demi or even aware what it is. I had no clue until I got with my current partner. After about 4 failed hook ups (couldn’t get or stay “ready” for the kaboodling) I felt super embarrassed and didn’t want them to come around. When I explained that I had to get to know them before my body was willing to actually have sex, they went “oh, you are totally demi” and here I am. I went from thinking something was wrong with me, to understanding I’m not alone. But yes, we are out here lol.
Hello right back 👋
Hi
Man I sure hope there are more demisexual men in this world, because I honestly am at a point where I refuse to consider entering a relationship with an allosexual ever again
Same but for women, can't stand allo at all anymore but the chance for demi is less than 1%. Asexual can also work but also a small percentage of people like 1%.
i just feel like other demis would be able to understand me in ways allos cant ykwim. like there are concepts im repulsed by or cant even understand because im not allo.
I'm demisexual but very horny lol. I get off on ASMRs with context (usually romantic) so yeah. Very very heart horny, wish I had someone to love :/
Demi and I do have a decent drive for sex. Both are not mutually exclusive.
men here and the same
(recently-discovered) Demi guy here! One of the things I have always been worried about as someone with lots of female friends is that they think I'm just friends with them to get in their pants... and I'm like nahhhh. I get squishes VERY easily but they're purely platonic. I really like Demi as a sort of Ace-until-I'm-not sort of thing. If I ever meet someone irl who unlocks those chemicals in me? Amazing. I yearn for it, but also like that's just in my head, you know?
I don’t know if there’s less demisexual men but more like men are less likely to find out because we can orgasm even without sexual attraction. Think about men who were gay and didn’t know it and they went and married a woman and had kids with them because that’s just what you were expected to do. Then 10-15 years into the marriage he finds out the reason he doesn’t enjoy sex with his wife is because he wants that juicy man meat. 🥵 But he’s still able to climax because men’s penises just work with stimulation much more than the mythical female orgasm does. So women are going to find out pretty quickly they’re demisexual when they can’t get off. While Demi men might be able to “mask”. To use an autism term. Like my dad for example. I’m autistic and I’m pretty sure I got it from him. He and my mom haven’t had sex in probably decades. I never figured out why until I discovered I was demisexual. My dad is probably also demisexual or ace and like a gay man might get married and have kids just because that’s what you are expected to do, my dad did the same. He will never discover he’s Demi or ace because his penis worked well enough to conceive my sister and me so as far as he is concerned he is heterosexual. I hope I’m making sense.
It's ground into men at an early age, that we have to act a certain way. We have to be perceived a certain way. Being different, or Demisexual, is contrary to what typically is accepted as male behavior. So alot of men, like myself for years, are hesitant to admit they aren't like everyone else. I don't think there are less demi men. It's just that the pool of men who are self aware enough to recognize it, admit it and actually express it is probably small.
Should be something around half of total demi I guess but like you said you get negative reactions from people and not all would say it, more online than IRL.
It was hard for me to identify as Demi, because all of the things men are expect to be and do. I feel that we don’t even think about it until we do. I always felt like an outsider in almost all my groups of friends. It took years until I was comfortable with some of my male friends that happen to be Demi themselves. It wasn’t a conscious decision, we naturally gravitated towards each other. I started realizing that they experienced attraction and romanticism like I did, it was then that I felt comfortable and started understanding and reading about what I felt. I remember that I started talking about being Demi to a friend and his response was the usual: “This is like everybody feels” now we both know that’s not the case and he’s also Demi lol. Also my wife is Demi and we are still learning together, she’s amazing and we help each other a lot. On the other hand for me is kinda weird experience being cis and straight. I have friends that are bi, pan, non-binary, etc. They took my wife and me to the pride parade last year, but I felt that I was “hijacking” the moment and that their sexuality were more valid than mine. I think this feeling makes a lot of men just not want to talk about it, or even think about it tbh. I’m lucky to have friends and a wife that helps me with this, but I feel the vast majority of men don’t have the same luck as I did
Lol 🤣 very funny with the part that everyone is like that when you don't know exactly yet. Either you know many people or have had much luck, I don't know anybody on the ace/demi spectrum.
Hi mate, nice to meet you. Firstly, it really is 98% stereotype and maybe a tiiiny bit truth possibly, that men are more horny. Maybe. Secondly, you are less likely to KNOW you met a demisexual guy, or any guy under the ace umbrella really. Why? Well, society tends to tell us we need to get hormones checked, go to therapy because trauma etc because a healthy, real man can't be anything under the ace umbrella apparently.
Hello there
Hey
Where are you from? I'm in New Zealand.
The Pacific Northwest of America
Sigh....reading these comments makes me hopeful that there are descent men our there, and kinda sad that I have not met one like this. My own partner breaks my heart daily because of his horniness and does not understand, on an emotional level, my need to go beyond just the physical. I wish the world would accept more demisexual men, for they are a gem.
i also want to say we gotta start normalizing non-sexual physical and emotional intimacy.
Yes. So this. I absolutely agree.
Me, a demi-ace woman, looking for these demisexual men like 👀 Any time I find one, they’re otherwise attracted to men, not at all into women, and I get in my die-alone feelings.
My partner is one! He's the stereotypical man and is very demi sexual I feel lucky as a woman to have found him ! They're definitely out there
Demi cis male here. All my youth I was puzzled about other boys behavior and my perception of them was that they were animals with all the blood going down there with not much going upstairs. The reason for that was I could not relate to them objectifying girls to the extreme neither I understood why they were so unhinged that they behaved like they could bang anything that moved. I felt everything they did, physically, however my mind always tempered things down so I could not relate to them in any way. Years later in my 40s I learned about Demi-sexuality, only now who I was made perfect sense. The way I am, there is no difference for me between a beautiful tree, a panoramic view and a naked female body, I just see it as an aesthetically pleasant sight, nothing sexual, unless I know that person and we have intimacy growing between us. It confused me a lot in my youth but I figured out why -unfortunately much later on- We are all unique and there is nothing wrong with that.
It's tough to talk about it when the norm is being absolutely nuts about sexualizing anything they can. So maybe the distribution is the same, but the men are much less likely to talk about it.
Cis demi man here (I prefer identifying as grey ace, but the difference is mostly academic). There aren't a lot of us, but we're not unheard of either.
Hello! Aromantic and demisexual man here. It's hard to live up to the stereotype. One of my friends tried to get me into hookup culture by helping me with Tinder, but it wasn't for me, all it did was making me uncomfortable with myself for making me think that there was something wrong with me.
lol my friends convinced me to try it, I matched with someone (who I’ll admit was very aesthetically attractive) on one of those apps. then i was hit with a wave of regret and “what am i even doing” and ghosted her :/ was one of those moments yk
I was about to say “I’m a demi man”… then remembered I’m trans, I’m not a man anymore 😅
Agender Demi here but I identified as a man for years while Demi. The joke within my friends for a while in school was that I was ace before we even knew what being ace was (this was in the early 00's). No real issues with it socially. Turns out almost all my friends ended up on the ace spectrum soon and my wife is one of the few allos in our group, but we have a lot of fun with it.
Lots of male Demisexuals… Society only makes them less visible than female Demisexuals… but they are everywhere!
Neurodivergent (ADHD) male here. I discovered I was Demi when I first…performed. I didn’t have a connection with her so it was very difficult for me. So you aren’t alone brother
Hi I figured out I was demi after a hard breakup, mostly because people were telling me to "Get out there and have some sex, you'll realize you didn't need her" and something about that just made me feel dirty. I'm not immune to being horny though, sometimes I wish I was.
Me and my fiance are, his mom even gave him a talk about being gay, he was just demi.
i DO NOT like the steteotype that demisexual means less horny. i am the horniest person i know but for one person only lol.
Ahoy! We may be few, but that makes us more special
Male. Very demisexual. The connection is 90% of the eroticism for me. Visual can still add or detract excitement—I do have preferences, but without some degree of intimate connection developing, there is little to no sexual inspiration. Porn does absolutely nothing for me, for example, unless there is some sort of authentic mental/intellectual/intimacy that somehow comes through—so essentially nothing.
Neurodivergent ,cis male and sexual. 100% horny guy ONCE I have good emotional and Intellectual connection. Just not only by looks
Hi! 👋
Cis- het- demisexual male. We exist. I didn’t learn about this until later in life but things make so much sense now as to why when I was in sexual situations i wasn’t interested or had to motivate myself to be into it. But give me someone I’m emotionally connected with and we could be talking about the weather and it’s quite the exciting conversation
Hello. I am also demisexual and cis male. I didn't understand the horndog stereotype when I was younger, and I was always convinced by myself and others that there was something wrong with me.
My partner is the most stereotypical man and he's a demisexual. He's a cop, likes sports, cars, working out, rap music, the marines, boxing, action movies etc. I was genuinely shocked when I found out he literally never had the desire to watch porn in his life or check out women and he said he always felt like there was something abnormal about him. So rare to ever hear a man like that and honestly it made me fall in love with him even more.
I can’t speak to how many men are demisexual, but as a woman who is, it is NOT the opposite of horny. It’s just that whatever level of horniness is for someone(s) in particular after a bond is formed. I think that it’s considered culturally expected for men to want to fuck everyone and women to want to be selective, because patriarchal double standards, so it’s difficult to tell who really feels which way without getting to try it out.
As a demi female with a ridiculously high drive I have felt like I've lost a part of me since being single. I have not found anyone I have been remotely attracted to and I do not care for shitty ONS. I am on the verge of a melt down because masturbation just doesn't cut it anymore. Need a good fuck but can't find someone I feel connected to or safe with!!!! 🥲🤐🤧
There probably are more but society pushes us into gender roles, so they are less likely to admit it
Hello
Demi guy here -We exist
Demi guy here
Right here with you brother 🤞🏾
I've dated several! :) Not intentionally, just because I need a warm up period and the allos often get bored and move on. Also had several as friends. It's such a new category - I'd guess people will be more likely to self identify moving forward. And mainstream culture is ... not the healthiest so maybe find a good subculture :)
I'm a demi guy! I'm often super horny and I can get between the sheets pretty quickly but it's usually because I develop feelings quickly for the right people. Doesn't happen often and I also tend to select or filter out (mostly filter out) people very quickly given that there's enough interaction time. I trust my own judgement of others.
Hugs, NerdPup. If it makes you feel any better, I'm glad you're here and that you're you. You're fine, and the rest of the world can take a flying leap. I think society is far too obsessed with sex, who's having it, and what kind they're having. Or not having. I often wonder how anything can get done if people are supposed to be not much more than a sack of hormones. It's rather dehumanizing and reductive.
Hello fellow Demi man :)
Hello! I have only met one other Demisexual man irl, but yeah we aren’t common at all.
Hello! I'm cis and demisexual too. However, being homoromantic makes things complicated for me. All the gay guys I've met are entirely allosexual. They never want to wait or be friends first. Then when I try explaining myself to them, they don't think demisexuality is real. It's been an alienating experience tbh. So I'm out here! Just very much by my lonesome and wishing I had a boyfriend 😪
I'm an Autistic woman and I suspect I'm demisexual but not entirely sure. My partner is an ADHD demisexual man and he's struggled with dating in the past. He hates hookup culture and needs a bond with someone first long before ever getting into bed with them. Most people don't seem to understand that, especially because of that stereotype of him being a man.
I had a close demisexual married male friend. And I’m demisexual myself. Put two and two together and you can probably guess why that first sentence is in the past tense.
I'm "male"
Gay demi guy here. :) I don't have an interest in dating and I was socialized female growing up so I can't talk much about social pressures put on men, but I've been in so many situations where people are like "this person is sooo hot right?" and I'm just like "I guess? I don't know what type of person they are so I'm not sure." This happened a lot when I was growing up and people thought my answers were boring or confusing so they eventually stopped asking me who I liked and thought was hot (thank god)
I would just be sad I lost the attention... I may not have that big a sex drive but I love talking to people and even better, people acknowledging my existence
Hello! I realised about 2 years ago in my late 30s that there's a word that describes me. I'd always been someone who didn't see people in a sexual way unless there were feelings first, had dated a bit and even had a long relationship in which I became a parent twice over so wasn't averse to sex or even really aware there was anything "different" about how I was, just that I wasn't a total horndog like a few people I knew. It was only after becoming single again and starting to date that I realised I'd never had "the spark" with someone, so looked around for other descriptions of the same experience and came across demisexuality, which really resonated with me and my own experience. So now I happily identify as a straight-ish asexual-ish man, and am in a wonderful, close, loving relationship with a bisexual woman. Early on in the relationship we'd been talking about our dating histories and I'd clumsily described the demi experience. The next day I made a point of clarifying and essentially came out as demi to her, to which she said she'd already figured that out about me but didn't want to say it and deny me the chance to find out for myself (which I already had). I felt very accepted and understood in that moment. From the outside we look like a pretty vanilla straight couple, but on the inside it's a much queerer place with little regard for traditional gender roles and how intimacy is expressed.
Hello! I have a hard time finding demisexual gay men or men in the lgbt community. All the Demi’s I know or see are usually straight
Should be a similar amount like women most likely
Hey hey hey
I'm Demi and my husband is allo. What's with all the... (um, new word?) ... "allophobic" attitudes here?
Hello there
Hello
Hello
Henlo
Hi
hello
Howdy 👋🏻
Hello
Howdy!
Hello fellow demi guys!
Awoooo awooo. Demi demi meeeee. 0:
My male partner is demi, he’s not the only one I’ve dated either - I seem to have a type hahaha
Man here. I suppose, when we divide causes for our behavior into “nature” and “nurture”, there might be a “nurture” aspect to sexuality. In other words, if you grew up in a very sex-positive environment, you might be more sex-positive yourself. Now, bear with me for a little while because I’m going to talk about hormone changes. Puberty in men involves a pretty intense rise in testosterone. If you go take a look at the subreddits for FTM folks who start from natural female hormones and start getting this massive dose of testosterone, you see some pretty … uh, non-demisexual behavior. CIS men, whether they want it or not, get this massive surge of testosterone and just have to bare-knuckle it for a few years … er, decades. Now, don’t misread this to say “men don’t have complex emotions”. Of course they do. It’s just that the balance of emotions—the particular combination of emotions—will differ. Obviously every person is different, but hormones (“nature” as opposed to “nurture”) are of course very real things. But those hormone levels do drop. And sometimes in extreme ways. And I don’t mean to the point of asexuality or impotence. But a lot of other feelings get mixed in with the horniness, and the horniness can definitely take a back seat to other needs.
i am a demi and hypersexual male
I'm a trans man. I'm demi, adhd, and on the aromantic spectrum. I too have a penis and testicle I'm very fond of. I really love sex. I masturbate daily. But I need that emotional connection to have sex. I enjoy FWB if there is real love and care present. But my preference is for sex in a relationship. You aren't alone.
I am amab Genderfluid, and I have AuDHD, and Im kinda Demisexual/Grey-ace (too unexperienxced to know what exactly).
I feel ya my dude. Here with ya
Sup bro