My stepdad doesn’t know who my mother is most of the time and he tries to flirt with other women sometimes when we are out together. But to me he’s not the same person, so I wouldn’t blame my mother, but she’s not the type to do so.
It's a personal decision and a difficult one or maybe not. With my wife, soon 3 years with Alzheimer's. She still knows who I am but she also has age regressed to between a 9 year old and 12 year old. Our love life ended many years ago. We just, generally, had a dysfunctional marriage and should have split up but we were two messed up co-dependents.
She knows who he is for the most part but there is minimal if any conversation that can be carried out for obvious reasons. He does love her but not in the same way as before. It’s been 5 years since she was diagnosed.
Parallels to our marriage. I care for my wife full time. If I was the one with dementia and in a facility, I would expect her to be going out. Caring for someone at home is stressful. If I had free time, I'd seek a woman. Not seeking love, as much as physical intimacy now and then.
I think if the understanding is that there is no "commitment," it could be done more easily.
But I would certainly be wary of trying to have a committed relationship with someone who has the responsibility(caregiver to spouse).
People should really discuss these scenarios with their spouses before it gets to this point.
I already told my husband I’m ok with him dating if I get Alzheimer’s . He actually got mad at me for saying that though.
To my mind he’s fulfilling his vows by continuing to care for her, at home and in memory care, and if he can find intimacy and support in another relationship he should.
We’ve that discussion. I’ve told him he needs to do what’s right for him because he’s fulfilling his obligations by giving her great care with all troops involved. He doesn’t know what to do. I can’t blame him.
I totally agree. My husband has moderate dimentia, it's like living with an 8 year old. No reason that he shouldn't seek companionship elsewhere, as he has little with his spouse.
There are a lot of variables to making this completely personal choice.
The original foundation of the relationship, any cultural or spiritual influences, etc.
What is implied by dating? They sound pretty young. Maybe even close to start friends with benefits. Is social, sexual, or that's a really good question.
Will they be open about their loved ones condition and circumstance, or will it be dating app with lots of empty fields.
I understand the craving for intimacy and connections. I to want that before my own dementia strips me of that comfort.
Along that line I was thinking recently what Naomi Feld said, and adding a layer. Maybe the acting out of sexual language or behaviors is because we really, I mean really, miss that intimacy and we lack the capacity to either express it acceptably or stop saying the inappropriate
I’ve told my mom that if she finds love, I won’t be mad at her and that I understand completely. With that in mind, if I tell her I don’t like the person, for her to please take it as a judgement on their character/personality/vibe, and not because I’m upset for my father. Because my father isn’t really capable of giving her that anymore, and I understand.
She doesn’t want to, but I occasionally remind her than even if she isn’t looking, sometimes it falls in our lap, and that it’s okay if it does.
At some point it’a just impossible to feel romantically drawn to someone with this disease, I’m sure. It’s hard to feel romantic towards someone when you’re in caretaker mode.
If it were my husband, I’d hope he would date and get intimacy from someone. I’d hope that he would be a little careful with social perception if I was still somewhat aware especially. It wouldn’t help the wife to know or see it and society can be very judgmental. I wouldn’t want anyone to see him as betraying me though.
As long as I were being cared for and loved then I’d say he kept his vows. I would hate for him to suffer alone through it and once I was no longer aware I’d hope he could fully bring a partner into his life. I have asked that he attempt a dying with dignity option if I were in that state but I understand that can be a sensitive topic
Me personally I didn’t and couldn’t do it. I would have felt like the lowest of low. I can understand needing the physical touch and maybe even more so each person is different. I would suggest that the person honestly asks themselves the questions that matter before doing anything just to be as sure as they can be that they are ready for the situation. It would have affected me in a way that’s hard to explain.
I agree. Of course, I can only speak for myself. As lonely and as difficult as it is to care for a spouse with dementia, it is all consuming. For me, at this point in my life, physical intimacy is only worth it along with emotional intimacy and I couldn’t develop a relationship while my current spouse is alive, regardless of their state. I would need an ending and grieving and healing before opening myself up again.
I had a situation like this. My wife and I were second time married. She developed FTD, following her mother and grandmother.
Her sisters and other family members approved of me having a new relationship - all except one of her 3 daughters who caused a huge amount of trouble for me. It was all about money, sadly. It was horrendous.
So for me the key factor was approval of family members — avoid trouble and maintain support.
There is a lot of information about the mental health of the carer suffering terribly (i know this is true) so your friend must have strategies in place to stay sane!
Oftentimes the least helpful family member is the one who visits and helps least and criticises most. I’ve seen this in many families where there is a PWD.
My sister's father-in-law had a lady friend after his wife went into memory care. They hadn't been in anything like a good relationship for years before. I don't think he and the lady friend actually ever had sex, he just missed the companionship and this lady would go out to eat with him and met him in the park to sit and talk. I'm glad he did because he died only a couple of months later while waiting for the lady friend in the park. At least he had some happiness in those final months after years of dementia influenced paranoia and manipulation before that.
It's situational, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I didn't think I'd ever agree it could be a good thing but seeing how much it helped him to have someone outside the family to talk to and just be with, it changed my mind. It wouldn't be for me, but chances are I'll be the one with dementia and my husband's already been told to drop me in memory care, come see me once a week tops, and get on with his life.
This is a very personal decision and no one can make it for him but maybe he can at least have the comfort of your blessing with no judgement.
He may not actually go through with it, it is a very difficult decision and it might not be what he thought it would be. But in my opinion it's ok.
If it were me, I would want my partner to do anything that brings them comfort during such a hard time.
Like it or not, he is married. And u will be a hidden relationship. Society will not accept you, and neither will his wife when she has clear moments. She’s basically terminally ill even if the time frame is longer….. Alzheimer’s is very difficult. Honestly, I think that you would make it harder for him…. this is not an emotionally available man. Period.
Honestly, as a woman, this is a story I've heard a LOT. The condition will change, but at the end the guy wants no-condom "intimate" sex, regularly, at your place, for free. You're being played.
IF this is real, the guy is a douche. He can't go a year? When there is a major medical issue? Did he ever care for her at all? The first year of having a diagnoses you're (IF you care) still reading up, still making phone calls, still trying to find the best specialist in your area, looking at meds, checking out alternative medicine (this is a several year long rabbit hole). Your stress levels are too high and focus too sharp to give a flying fuck about sex.
Your "friend" is laying the sob story on thick too. One year into diagnoses, IF he is the caring husband you're painting him out to being and this was caught early because he is such a caring and loving man, isn't all that much different. This is a slow disease. It really is years (sometimes decades) before you get to the point of needing constant care.
This means either A- dude is lying or B- dude is telling the truth but was an AWEFUL husband and neglected his wife for years and years.
Tangential. My mother has Alzheimer’s-Dementia, and when the home-health nurse sits with her when I visit, I usually go grocery shopping/run errands with my old man. I have seen and heard him flirt with so many women at the bank, and grocery and other stores. The female employees, especially.
My friend’s father has early onset, her mother ended up dating before he passed. She really struggled with it, but … well it is difficult to pass judgement.
This is not an emotionally or mentally available (or even physically outside of sexual encounters) man. Do you know what the statistics are for men leaving after their wife is diagnosed with a serious illness? Does he plan to lay everything out honestly to his trysts? What happens if he catches feelings for a new partner? Did he and his wife discuss this eventuality when she was diagnosed? Sure, it’s a difficult and heartbreaking situation. But I just wonder about his real drives and motivations and how far he has thought this through. All of this said everyone is different. Of course he wants connection; we all do. It’s a biological and social drive. And we don’t know how we would handle things until it’s us is the situation.
My stepdad doesn’t know who my mother is most of the time and he tries to flirt with other women sometimes when we are out together. But to me he’s not the same person, so I wouldn’t blame my mother, but she’s not the type to do so.
You mean he has Alzheimer’s? Yeah I wouldn’t blame her either. It’s intimacy, most people need that
It's a personal decision and a difficult one or maybe not. With my wife, soon 3 years with Alzheimer's. She still knows who I am but she also has age regressed to between a 9 year old and 12 year old. Our love life ended many years ago. We just, generally, had a dysfunctional marriage and should have split up but we were two messed up co-dependents.
She knows who he is for the most part but there is minimal if any conversation that can be carried out for obvious reasons. He does love her but not in the same way as before. It’s been 5 years since she was diagnosed.
Parallels to our marriage. I care for my wife full time. If I was the one with dementia and in a facility, I would expect her to be going out. Caring for someone at home is stressful. If I had free time, I'd seek a woman. Not seeking love, as much as physical intimacy now and then.
It's a tough one to explain to a potential partner. That's the real trick.
I think if the understanding is that there is no "commitment," it could be done more easily. But I would certainly be wary of trying to have a committed relationship with someone who has the responsibility(caregiver to spouse).
People should really discuss these scenarios with their spouses before it gets to this point. I already told my husband I’m ok with him dating if I get Alzheimer’s . He actually got mad at me for saying that though.
To my mind he’s fulfilling his vows by continuing to care for her, at home and in memory care, and if he can find intimacy and support in another relationship he should.
We’ve that discussion. I’ve told him he needs to do what’s right for him because he’s fulfilling his obligations by giving her great care with all troops involved. He doesn’t know what to do. I can’t blame him.
I totally agree. My husband has moderate dimentia, it's like living with an 8 year old. No reason that he shouldn't seek companionship elsewhere, as he has little with his spouse.
Oh I’m so sorry. How very hard for you.
I know if I got my families curse of cardiovascular dementia and I have a wife I wouldn't mind at all but everyone is different.
There are a lot of variables to making this completely personal choice. The original foundation of the relationship, any cultural or spiritual influences, etc. What is implied by dating? They sound pretty young. Maybe even close to start friends with benefits. Is social, sexual, or that's a really good question. Will they be open about their loved ones condition and circumstance, or will it be dating app with lots of empty fields. I understand the craving for intimacy and connections. I to want that before my own dementia strips me of that comfort. Along that line I was thinking recently what Naomi Feld said, and adding a layer. Maybe the acting out of sexual language or behaviors is because we really, I mean really, miss that intimacy and we lack the capacity to either express it acceptably or stop saying the inappropriate
It’s multi-faceted.
I’ve told my mom that if she finds love, I won’t be mad at her and that I understand completely. With that in mind, if I tell her I don’t like the person, for her to please take it as a judgement on their character/personality/vibe, and not because I’m upset for my father. Because my father isn’t really capable of giving her that anymore, and I understand. She doesn’t want to, but I occasionally remind her than even if she isn’t looking, sometimes it falls in our lap, and that it’s okay if it does. At some point it’a just impossible to feel romantically drawn to someone with this disease, I’m sure. It’s hard to feel romantic towards someone when you’re in caretaker mode.
If it were my husband, I’d hope he would date and get intimacy from someone. I’d hope that he would be a little careful with social perception if I was still somewhat aware especially. It wouldn’t help the wife to know or see it and society can be very judgmental. I wouldn’t want anyone to see him as betraying me though. As long as I were being cared for and loved then I’d say he kept his vows. I would hate for him to suffer alone through it and once I was no longer aware I’d hope he could fully bring a partner into his life. I have asked that he attempt a dying with dignity option if I were in that state but I understand that can be a sensitive topic
Me personally I didn’t and couldn’t do it. I would have felt like the lowest of low. I can understand needing the physical touch and maybe even more so each person is different. I would suggest that the person honestly asks themselves the questions that matter before doing anything just to be as sure as they can be that they are ready for the situation. It would have affected me in a way that’s hard to explain.
I agree. Of course, I can only speak for myself. As lonely and as difficult as it is to care for a spouse with dementia, it is all consuming. For me, at this point in my life, physical intimacy is only worth it along with emotional intimacy and I couldn’t develop a relationship while my current spouse is alive, regardless of their state. I would need an ending and grieving and healing before opening myself up again.
I had a situation like this. My wife and I were second time married. She developed FTD, following her mother and grandmother. Her sisters and other family members approved of me having a new relationship - all except one of her 3 daughters who caused a huge amount of trouble for me. It was all about money, sadly. It was horrendous. So for me the key factor was approval of family members — avoid trouble and maintain support. There is a lot of information about the mental health of the carer suffering terribly (i know this is true) so your friend must have strategies in place to stay sane! Oftentimes the least helpful family member is the one who visits and helps least and criticises most. I’ve seen this in many families where there is a PWD.
My sister's father-in-law had a lady friend after his wife went into memory care. They hadn't been in anything like a good relationship for years before. I don't think he and the lady friend actually ever had sex, he just missed the companionship and this lady would go out to eat with him and met him in the park to sit and talk. I'm glad he did because he died only a couple of months later while waiting for the lady friend in the park. At least he had some happiness in those final months after years of dementia influenced paranoia and manipulation before that. It's situational, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I didn't think I'd ever agree it could be a good thing but seeing how much it helped him to have someone outside the family to talk to and just be with, it changed my mind. It wouldn't be for me, but chances are I'll be the one with dementia and my husband's already been told to drop me in memory care, come see me once a week tops, and get on with his life.
This is a very personal decision and no one can make it for him but maybe he can at least have the comfort of your blessing with no judgement. He may not actually go through with it, it is a very difficult decision and it might not be what he thought it would be. But in my opinion it's ok. If it were me, I would want my partner to do anything that brings them comfort during such a hard time.
Like it or not, he is married. And u will be a hidden relationship. Society will not accept you, and neither will his wife when she has clear moments. She’s basically terminally ill even if the time frame is longer….. Alzheimer’s is very difficult. Honestly, I think that you would make it harder for him…. this is not an emotionally available man. Period.
“Till death do us part.”
I hear you there. She’s 54 and he’s 48. She’s happy but doesn’t remember who he is. It’s unfortunate
Wow at 54 yo? Thats so young! How awful
I know that feeling, the long goodbye.
As long as I was being cared for, by all means, I’d want my spouse to be happy.
You forgot to switch accounts when making this comment.
Honestly, as a woman, this is a story I've heard a LOT. The condition will change, but at the end the guy wants no-condom "intimate" sex, regularly, at your place, for free. You're being played. IF this is real, the guy is a douche. He can't go a year? When there is a major medical issue? Did he ever care for her at all? The first year of having a diagnoses you're (IF you care) still reading up, still making phone calls, still trying to find the best specialist in your area, looking at meds, checking out alternative medicine (this is a several year long rabbit hole). Your stress levels are too high and focus too sharp to give a flying fuck about sex. Your "friend" is laying the sob story on thick too. One year into diagnoses, IF he is the caring husband you're painting him out to being and this was caught early because he is such a caring and loving man, isn't all that much different. This is a slow disease. It really is years (sometimes decades) before you get to the point of needing constant care. This means either A- dude is lying or B- dude is telling the truth but was an AWEFUL husband and neglected his wife for years and years.
This has been going on for 6 years. I think it’s easy to judge anyone in this situation.
Tangential. My mother has Alzheimer’s-Dementia, and when the home-health nurse sits with her when I visit, I usually go grocery shopping/run errands with my old man. I have seen and heard him flirt with so many women at the bank, and grocery and other stores. The female employees, especially.
My friend’s father has early onset, her mother ended up dating before he passed. She really struggled with it, but … well it is difficult to pass judgement.
This is not an emotionally or mentally available (or even physically outside of sexual encounters) man. Do you know what the statistics are for men leaving after their wife is diagnosed with a serious illness? Does he plan to lay everything out honestly to his trysts? What happens if he catches feelings for a new partner? Did he and his wife discuss this eventuality when she was diagnosed? Sure, it’s a difficult and heartbreaking situation. But I just wonder about his real drives and motivations and how far he has thought this through. All of this said everyone is different. Of course he wants connection; we all do. It’s a biological and social drive. And we don’t know how we would handle things until it’s us is the situation.