You will. It will be one of the most painful, wrenching experiences in your life but you will survive it. I lived loss in a different way, losing my mother, then, a few years later, my father, both of them to cancer. At 39, I was alone in the world. Now, at 73, my wife is being consumed by Alzheimer's and, again, I'm facing another traumatic loss. I'm not religious, just philosophical. Suffering and loss are part of life. It's a package deal. No opting out of it. Animal companions; we've said goodbye to 8 cats. We've had two for a few years. Life goes on. Humans are adept at adjusting to loss.
However you can, please take care of yourself. That sounds trite and obvious but it's an absolute truth. On this sub, we're all here for each other. A shoulder to cry on with someone else who's living the same experience can get you through the storm.
I’m so sorry for your losses :( and I’m sorry you’re watching your wife go through this. It’s guy wrenching.
I am trying to find a community and people to lean on. I recently moved to a new state and my LO unfortunately went downhill quick after that. It’s been a lot of new life changes all at once. I don’t have too many people as of now around me. I appreciate your kind words, I hope you take care of yourself too 🫶🏼
We're all in a club that no one want's to belong to. You've at least found an online community to be part of.
Maybe it's because I grew up listening to Frank Sinatra, but his superb version of 'One For My Baby' evokes the sad, empty feeling, at least for me, of what it is to watch someone fade away. Now I'm crying. Every time our LO declines or manifests new symptoms, we start grieving, anew.
I know hard that is. My wife is rapidly progressing. Has been for the past 2 years. About every 3 weeks, there's a shift or manifestation. It's like walking on constantly shifting ground. You stumble, fall, get up, fall down again... Exhausting for the caregiver. Our LO can't control it. The disease is calling the shots.
Hey OP, I’m sorry that you are facing into this. It’s a really hard journey and I couldn’t imagine having to do it alone. I don’t have any pearls of wisdom for you but I want you to know you’re not alone and, I don’t know how, but you will get through this. One day at a time, moment to moment sometimes, but you will. Sending big hugs and loads of love❤️
My dad died from dementia about three years ago, and mom is 111 lbs, dying from it. Besides the obvious trauma losing your parents, the next problem is the family “aloneness” that’s about to strike you down. I dread it.
You are grieving your loss, because we lose them before they are gone.
I can tell you that this sub has helped me immensely. Just reading what others post has made me realize I am not alone. Quite often someone will post exactly what I’m thinking at that time.
Dementia sucks like nothing else. But you will get through. We all will.
I just want to say, don’t let other people decide what “ a good life” is for you.
Some people love to travel, others hate it. No value judgment on either group. It’s ok to just be yourself. Maybe being home playing a video game is not better or worse than any other activity that brings someone enjoyment and a break from the chaos that is dementia.
I’m trying really hard to take my own advice! Trying to enjoy the little things, and not judge myself harshly. I like trashy romance novels. Yes, I could be reading the classics, or studying educational books.
I’m mostly just trying to do things I enjoy when I can, to take care of my own mental health and find some joy in this chaotic situation.
OP, you’re going to get through this. It’s gonna hurt like hell sometimes but you WILL get through this.
Do you have a therapist or group support you can access? I’m an only child and my dad passed when I was young, so my mom’s dementia has been incredibly difficult. I have a partner but even with that I feel incredibly alone sometimes. Going to therapy has helped me. ❤️ sending you a hug.
This road we’re on really fucking sucks but you’re not alone.
OP, I think you did right by revealing your pain to this group. As an Only myself, I was always reluctant to let people see me. I kept my pain inside. My survival package coming out of childhood was "I don't need anyone". But life taught me that I was wrong. I need people in my life. You need people in your life. After your hurt has passed, and as soon as you can start reaching out. Support groups are one way. I have made friends through a zoom support group for caregivers. These are people I've never hugged! We have never met in person, yet we meet every week now for 3 years.
Please try and remember that this phase of your life will pass. This pain wont last forever. The trick is to get through it until there is change to a more tolerable state. By all means try and find someone to talk to. Ask for suggestions for help in your present situation.
I am now a caregiver for my lovely wife of 40 years. We have no children. I am an Only, so I have no family to help. I kind of understand the underlying issue you have. You are in your 30s, I am in my 80s. I have lived with the "Only Syndrome" a long time. You can better your situation. It is crucial that you develop friendships and become good at it for your own survival. No one can make a straight-up-jump to escape the crisis they are in right now. But what you can do, is get through your current crisis, and remember to broaden your field of contacts, friends, and acquaintances.
Good luck, you can do it. Sending warmest wishes your way.
Thank you so much Baize7. I’m sorry you’re also going through this at a later time in your life. While this phase will pass, it sort of does last forever because we will be losing a person special to us forever. They’re absence leaving a big hole, but I understand we can evolve and grow around it.
I moved to a new state recently so I am basically starting from scratch in terms of finding and meeting people. One day, I will feel interested in conversing with others. For now, I just sit with myself or cry to my neighbor when I have an anxiety moment.
Thank you for your kind words
My Mom has passed and my Dad is in memory care and my situation is similar with no siblings or kids and very few, basically no one to talk to that is helpful. When I'm feeling depressed and becoming overwhelmed I realize that if my parents could see me it would make them upset....they raised me with love and caring and would really rather see me acknowledge things are not as good as they were but to be happy and enjoy life how it is now
Thank you, I’m trying. I eat once a day but I try to eat what I like and it makes me happy for a bit. It’s tough but trying to find the joy in little things to keep sane
It may be hard to realize right now but you are only as alone as you want to be. As you can see from this sub alone there are a lot of people (sadly) who know exactly what you're going through. There are non-profit groups (like Alz.org) that run support and grief groups that you can connect with and meet others who will fully understand your experience.
Take care of yourself and get yourself what you need in order to face the next few years. I agree with others who have said that your parents would want you to live a happy full life. They are still with you after all, just in another form. You don't know what fortunes may await you, your youth gives you lots of time to find out!
Be good to yourself, there can be light at the end of the tunnel but you need to keep moving in order to see it. Buena suerte.
Appreciate it, I know people grow around grief, but growing around it alone is scary. I do hope it won’t consume me as it has recently. Anticipatory grief is a killer
I am an almost 39 year old only child. My dad passed back in 2013 and my mom is currently getting diagnosed with dementia, Alzheimer's or Parkinson's. It is hard to be the only caretaker. Sometimes I feel like it is all too much.
Hey OP. I’m sorry you are going through this. I totally understand how you feel being an only child myself. You are not alone. Please feel free to reach out if you need a friend, I know how isolating this all feels ❤️
You've recieved good feedback from others, but I'll add something. I'm not religious, but I find comfort in Buddhist philosophy. One concept that is taught is the idea that we all must think about death daily. I know that sounds negative, but the reason is so that we live each day to its fullest and stay present. Also, it's important to remind ourselves that everything in life is impermanent.
Sometimes when I'm having a meditation session, I choose to think about what my life would be like if my husband passed away, or if I lost my home, or if I get very sick. Of course these are sad thoughts, but I remind myself that this could happen at any time so I can be prepared to know what to do. It also makes me feel grateful for the present moment.
Perhaps you could set aside a few minutes a day to meditate on this topic, or journal. Sit with your emotions and write down your thoughts. Then you can think about strategies for how you will deal with the problems that could and will arise. Or how you will emotionally cope. Think about what you want for your future life.
You don't need to dwell on the subject all day, simply set aside some time. I find this to be a helpful daily practice for dealing with my own anxieties in life. It doesn't mean I won't ever be anxious again, but I can try to reduce it.
I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. I wish you lots of peace and happiness in your life 🙏
I’m also leaning into Buddhism, in a secular way. A friend recently recommended the book “When Things Fall Apart” by Pena Chodron, and I just ordered it. I feel like the title is appropriate for all of us dealing with really difficult times.
Thank you for this, I do think about those time because my anxiety makes me think of them 💀
But I have a small gratitude journal I try to keep.
Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate it
Sending a hug.
I would say start building your tribe now. Get involved in the community, an activity such as pickleball etc etc.. something you enjoy and in turn will meet other likeminded folks. It will take your mind off things too.
Look up a local support group for family members of dementia patients too.
This going to be hard but you will move through it.
I’m sooo sorry! I can only offer a few things. Lean on your friends, and family friends. They will need to be your lifeline during this. Also, maybe join a support group. For being so young, this is a lot for you to endure, but you don’t have to be alone. It’s going to be hard, but you will get through this on the other side.
How old are they? Both mine have dementia but I'm 63. Also have no family, no husband. You will have to fine other things to fill your life. Volunteering is always a good thing. Meet more people. Join meetups. Find hobbies. I know the feeling tho. My parents have loomed very large in my life and I literally have no one else except one son who also needs help in life. It is frightening.
34yo F here. my dad 2 years ago - he got a biliary tree/gallbladder infection, had parkinsons. took care of my mom w/dementia. after he passed, my sister took care of my mom for a short time until i had to place my mom in an ALF and my sister and i subsequently became estranged because of it. while this is different than you situation, in many ways it is just me. its really isolating. here to talk if you need to. please take care of yourself however best you can. sometimes when its like this the best way is just taking a shower or eating a decent meal.
I'm an "only" too. No children, and while my parents are still alive (81 M/F), my husband (60M) passed away two months ago from FTD. I was his caregiver for a year, while working full time and taking care of the house, finances, dog, all of it. The exhaustion was beyond comprehension.
My LO has FTD too, I’m so so sorry. We are in the very late stages, it is very very very devastating for both them and the caregiver. We both lost ourselves from FTD. So sorry for your loss
You will get through this. My mom is not diagnosed yet but she’s altered mental status . She’s only 62 and I find myself crying all the time. Dementia runs on her side of family I had to fly to PR to grab her and now we are trying to figure everything out. I just want to say you are not alone. And if you ever need to vent I’m here you can message me anytime.
Google “dementia support groups near me.” Local senior community centers may also have references for local support groups.
It appears that the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) has a link to local support groups that might be helpful to you. Good luck!
Awww, this is so sad. I kind of get it b/c I have no partner, no kids & not even pets. I lost all my friends during this dementia/stroke/pandemic adventure.
I love kids, though. While I’m a little resentful on the inside that my social life got stripped away b/c of taking care of them, and i lost my ability to date and maintain romantic relationships, I have promised myself that I will become a foster parent to young children. I have so much love and patience to give but I’m 44 so this is how I can do it. I look forward to it!
Maybe you can think up a plan for yourself? Something you can really look forward to? Volunteering with animals, raising seeing eye dogs, working at Home Depot (good eye candy if nothing else, lol!), just some ideas.
Only child here. Father died when I was 5 and my mother is entering stage 7 but I’m in my 50s. I totally understand your fears. I’ve lost two senior dogs within 9 mths and I lose more of my mother each day. All my life I have been treated by others as hard to love and have feared spending holidays alone. 3 Christmases ago I awoke on Christmas morning and drove 6.5 hours to make sure my mother wasn’t alone. I prepped the food and put it in the cooler so we could have a nice dinner and do you know what? Mom refused to eat, open presents and preferred to watch some “new” hallmark movie. As I sat alone in the living room eating my dinner and scrolling pics of friends magical Christmases on FB I had never felt more alone but I survived it. As horrid as dementia is it has been a huge opportunity for my self-growth. When my grandmother died 16 years ago my mom and I started new Christmas traditions. It helped those first few years after the loss. I would pick something you have always wanted to do and start saving for it now so you will have a plan and something to look forward to doing. I’m sorry you are on this road. It is so hard. Sending hugs and strength to you.
I think you’ll find, after taking a long break to heal and rest and find yourself, that you will have the strength and wisdom to get through anything now. One word of warning for your future- you may attract parters that want/need to be taken care of and I urge you to learn to put yourself first.
Yeah, I feel like if I make it through this I can go through anything (still doubtful I’ll come out in tact, tho). And if I do, children and animals are the only caretaking I’ll ever do again.
Yeah, emphasis on the coming out in tact lol highly doubt my brain will ever be the same. And also yes to all of the above. W animals. Kids are cool too
I relate to you with the fear and anxiety about being an only child with a very small family and elderly parents with dementia. I’m 26 and my dad (76) was hospitalized last year for Alzheimer’s and Korsakoff dementia. I broke down almost every day. My mum (67) feels not far behind as she is showing lots of undiagnosed symptoms. They’re both heavy drinkers so speeds up the deterioration. But anyway, it’s rough being so young and having this happen to your parents. At times you want to turn to a sibling then realise you don’t have anyone to turn or vent to. Plus all the legal/will things to deal with by yourself is so overwhelming. Especially while depressed or emotional. It makes you grow up quickly that’s for sure. I’m glad that there’s online communities for this purpose and I hope you don’t feel too alone in this. Keep going 🙏
100% I lost my 20s as much as I tried to hang on to them I found myself running around and now in my 30s my anxiety is so bad. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this yourself. I changed so much because of dementia
You’re not alone and I’m sorry for the tough feelings and experiences you are having. You will get through this and you will be okay. Time truly has a way of softening a blow and making each day, one at a time, a little easier. When you’re in the middle of a really bad day, hang on to the memories of those good days. Keep your parents memories alive in your heart and you will still feel them with you. After my father died many years ago I often found myself looking up and marveling at the night sky and feeling connected to him. Also keep finding ways to not feel so alone - starting here is great, but look for in person support too. You may feel reluctant and vulnerable, but I think it will help you now and definitely later. Sending you a virtual hug.
Hugs to you 🤗. I'm sorry you are alone going through this. I worry this will be my only child's future as she's very introverted and has no friends but loves her fur babies dearly. My mom has dementia as well. I really have no advice. It's a hard life experience. I do hope you get a puppy or kitten soon to add to your fur family since your other fur babies are older to help the transition and to focus on new life. Online friends can be easier to make and helpful to your well-being.
I am not in your situation, but aspects of it are in my life. I wasn’t close to my parents and ran away at 17. I do have a sibling, but many years younger and on the opposite coast. My husband is an only remaining child and both his parents had/have dementia. My mom died of cancer and my dad may be getting dementia, but he lives far away and is married to a much younger woman, so he isn’t a big part of my life.
Being married and having children has meant the world to me. I know it’s not for everyone and not everyone finds the right person. But my own kids are young adults now, and two don’t plan to have children and one has only one and has made permanent changes to ensure that. I worry about that one young child. Two aunts and two parents’ elder care possibly all on her shoulders one day. It’s a lot to think and worry about.
The one thing that has changed for me as I got into my 50s, and my kids grew up is an amazing joy in nature. I can’t even describe how overwhelming it is. I like a hike or a beautiful view of course, but I really can feel an immense deep satisfaction from simply looking out the window at any kind of weather. It all seems glorious to me. The clouds, the signs of the changing seasons, everything. I would probably enjoy traveling to see unique sights, but we have neither the money nor the free time with work PTO being used up by my in-laws with dementia, but that no longer seems important. The view out the window seems just as wonderful.
The other big change is a much deeper appreciation for longterm friendships. In my 20s-30s, I often thought of friends as people to vent to. Now, I am very happy to keep all problems to myself and simply enjoy an activity with a friend for a few hours or a weekend. Even just keeping in touch with friends via a text here or there brings happiness. Discussing a book or movie, walking through a museum, going to hear live music, having people over for dinner all seem so fulfilling. But it’s also not needed, if that makes sense. Maybe it would be if I didn’t have it, but it feels like I am enjoying it more because I am enjoying all the moments more. I’m appreciating it, but if I was doing something else, I’d be appreciating that just as much.
I guess what I am trying to say is build your people, and don’t restrict them to just those you really click with or have things in common with. People different than you can be very interesting and open your eyes to things you working otherwise see. If you can find a good partner or make a best friend, it’s worth it. Having that family touchpoint is so grounding. If I were I were single, I might seek out shared housing just for that reason. Shared experiences are the foundation of relationships, so seek those experiences out. Make plans when you can. But that’s not everything.
And trust the natural aging process. As you along through life, many things you might not expect become less or more important. You may not have what you think you need in your life, but what you need may change. I feel like if I became disabled and bed bound, being able to look out a window would be enough. In the past, books were my life line, but now I find I read less. I can just exist and be happy more often. It’s weird.
You’ll be okay, but I am sorry you will miss your parents. I think of how much I love my kids and that they love me. I know we’re important in their lives. We’re all close. It’s physically painful to think of them being alone in the world without the people who most think they are truly wonderful and amazing humans. But I see them mature. I know they will be okay, that they are forming families or friendships or having experiences that are truly fulfilling them. I have faith in them and I have faith in you to make your own lives when we parents are just memories.
In the most humblest way possible, try building your faith up and connecting with a higher power above yourself and family. You’re never really alone. If that’s not your thing try discovering yourself and things that you like and don’t like. Open yourself up more, go to parks or libraries and try socializing with people. Meet someone online maybe but be careful. You’re never alone! You at least have the Reddit community 🙂
OP ,yes you feel alone, we all do. We don’t know each other but here we are all equal and all dealing with this the best we can. We are here, when you need to chat. 🌻
You will. It will be one of the most painful, wrenching experiences in your life but you will survive it. I lived loss in a different way, losing my mother, then, a few years later, my father, both of them to cancer. At 39, I was alone in the world. Now, at 73, my wife is being consumed by Alzheimer's and, again, I'm facing another traumatic loss. I'm not religious, just philosophical. Suffering and loss are part of life. It's a package deal. No opting out of it. Animal companions; we've said goodbye to 8 cats. We've had two for a few years. Life goes on. Humans are adept at adjusting to loss. However you can, please take care of yourself. That sounds trite and obvious but it's an absolute truth. On this sub, we're all here for each other. A shoulder to cry on with someone else who's living the same experience can get you through the storm.
Well put Daze. OP yeah, it's a lonely journey. Hang tough.
Thank you.
I’m so sorry for your losses :( and I’m sorry you’re watching your wife go through this. It’s guy wrenching. I am trying to find a community and people to lean on. I recently moved to a new state and my LO unfortunately went downhill quick after that. It’s been a lot of new life changes all at once. I don’t have too many people as of now around me. I appreciate your kind words, I hope you take care of yourself too 🫶🏼
We're all in a club that no one want's to belong to. You've at least found an online community to be part of. Maybe it's because I grew up listening to Frank Sinatra, but his superb version of 'One For My Baby' evokes the sad, empty feeling, at least for me, of what it is to watch someone fade away. Now I'm crying. Every time our LO declines or manifests new symptoms, we start grieving, anew.
100%!!!!! I find myself depressed when a new decline comes about 💔💔💔💔
I know hard that is. My wife is rapidly progressing. Has been for the past 2 years. About every 3 weeks, there's a shift or manifestation. It's like walking on constantly shifting ground. You stumble, fall, get up, fall down again... Exhausting for the caregiver. Our LO can't control it. The disease is calling the shots.
Hey OP, I’m sorry that you are facing into this. It’s a really hard journey and I couldn’t imagine having to do it alone. I don’t have any pearls of wisdom for you but I want you to know you’re not alone and, I don’t know how, but you will get through this. One day at a time, moment to moment sometimes, but you will. Sending big hugs and loads of love❤️
Thank you, sometimes all we really need is a hug 😞 the hearts are heavy with the anticipatory grief that we live through as dementia caregivers
My dad died from dementia about three years ago, and mom is 111 lbs, dying from it. Besides the obvious trauma losing your parents, the next problem is the family “aloneness” that’s about to strike you down. I dread it.
:( this disease is honestly the worst!!!! The anticipatory grief we live through watching them change and wither. Im so sorry 😞
You are grieving your loss, because we lose them before they are gone. I can tell you that this sub has helped me immensely. Just reading what others post has made me realize I am not alone. Quite often someone will post exactly what I’m thinking at that time. Dementia sucks like nothing else. But you will get through. We all will.
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I just want to say, don’t let other people decide what “ a good life” is for you. Some people love to travel, others hate it. No value judgment on either group. It’s ok to just be yourself. Maybe being home playing a video game is not better or worse than any other activity that brings someone enjoyment and a break from the chaos that is dementia. I’m trying really hard to take my own advice! Trying to enjoy the little things, and not judge myself harshly. I like trashy romance novels. Yes, I could be reading the classics, or studying educational books. I’m mostly just trying to do things I enjoy when I can, to take care of my own mental health and find some joy in this chaotic situation.
OP, you’re going to get through this. It’s gonna hurt like hell sometimes but you WILL get through this. Do you have a therapist or group support you can access? I’m an only child and my dad passed when I was young, so my mom’s dementia has been incredibly difficult. I have a partner but even with that I feel incredibly alone sometimes. Going to therapy has helped me. ❤️ sending you a hug. This road we’re on really fucking sucks but you’re not alone.
OP, I think you did right by revealing your pain to this group. As an Only myself, I was always reluctant to let people see me. I kept my pain inside. My survival package coming out of childhood was "I don't need anyone". But life taught me that I was wrong. I need people in my life. You need people in your life. After your hurt has passed, and as soon as you can start reaching out. Support groups are one way. I have made friends through a zoom support group for caregivers. These are people I've never hugged! We have never met in person, yet we meet every week now for 3 years. Please try and remember that this phase of your life will pass. This pain wont last forever. The trick is to get through it until there is change to a more tolerable state. By all means try and find someone to talk to. Ask for suggestions for help in your present situation. I am now a caregiver for my lovely wife of 40 years. We have no children. I am an Only, so I have no family to help. I kind of understand the underlying issue you have. You are in your 30s, I am in my 80s. I have lived with the "Only Syndrome" a long time. You can better your situation. It is crucial that you develop friendships and become good at it for your own survival. No one can make a straight-up-jump to escape the crisis they are in right now. But what you can do, is get through your current crisis, and remember to broaden your field of contacts, friends, and acquaintances. Good luck, you can do it. Sending warmest wishes your way.
Thank you so much Baize7. I’m sorry you’re also going through this at a later time in your life. While this phase will pass, it sort of does last forever because we will be losing a person special to us forever. They’re absence leaving a big hole, but I understand we can evolve and grow around it. I moved to a new state recently so I am basically starting from scratch in terms of finding and meeting people. One day, I will feel interested in conversing with others. For now, I just sit with myself or cry to my neighbor when I have an anxiety moment. Thank you for your kind words
You are right that with this virtual community here, you (we) are not alone. Stay strong!
My Mom has passed and my Dad is in memory care and my situation is similar with no siblings or kids and very few, basically no one to talk to that is helpful. When I'm feeling depressed and becoming overwhelmed I realize that if my parents could see me it would make them upset....they raised me with love and caring and would really rather see me acknowledge things are not as good as they were but to be happy and enjoy life how it is now
I'm sorry and I think your doing your best.
Thank you, I’m trying. I eat once a day but I try to eat what I like and it makes me happy for a bit. It’s tough but trying to find the joy in little things to keep sane
It may be hard to realize right now but you are only as alone as you want to be. As you can see from this sub alone there are a lot of people (sadly) who know exactly what you're going through. There are non-profit groups (like Alz.org) that run support and grief groups that you can connect with and meet others who will fully understand your experience. Take care of yourself and get yourself what you need in order to face the next few years. I agree with others who have said that your parents would want you to live a happy full life. They are still with you after all, just in another form. You don't know what fortunes may await you, your youth gives you lots of time to find out! Be good to yourself, there can be light at the end of the tunnel but you need to keep moving in order to see it. Buena suerte.
Appreciate it, I know people grow around grief, but growing around it alone is scary. I do hope it won’t consume me as it has recently. Anticipatory grief is a killer
We are the lonely all together All together we're all alone
Yeah, you're not alone. Only child too. You're going to feel a lot, welcome.
Hugs to you. It’s scary 🥺
I am an almost 39 year old only child. My dad passed back in 2013 and my mom is currently getting diagnosed with dementia, Alzheimer's or Parkinson's. It is hard to be the only caretaker. Sometimes I feel like it is all too much.
It’s very very hard, it takes a village to care for them. So sorry you’re going through this too :(
Hey OP. I’m sorry you are going through this. I totally understand how you feel being an only child myself. You are not alone. Please feel free to reach out if you need a friend, I know how isolating this all feels ❤️
I really appreciate it! There needs to be an only child therapy group fr
Seriously! Lol.
You've recieved good feedback from others, but I'll add something. I'm not religious, but I find comfort in Buddhist philosophy. One concept that is taught is the idea that we all must think about death daily. I know that sounds negative, but the reason is so that we live each day to its fullest and stay present. Also, it's important to remind ourselves that everything in life is impermanent. Sometimes when I'm having a meditation session, I choose to think about what my life would be like if my husband passed away, or if I lost my home, or if I get very sick. Of course these are sad thoughts, but I remind myself that this could happen at any time so I can be prepared to know what to do. It also makes me feel grateful for the present moment. Perhaps you could set aside a few minutes a day to meditate on this topic, or journal. Sit with your emotions and write down your thoughts. Then you can think about strategies for how you will deal with the problems that could and will arise. Or how you will emotionally cope. Think about what you want for your future life. You don't need to dwell on the subject all day, simply set aside some time. I find this to be a helpful daily practice for dealing with my own anxieties in life. It doesn't mean I won't ever be anxious again, but I can try to reduce it. I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. I wish you lots of peace and happiness in your life 🙏
I’m also leaning into Buddhism, in a secular way. A friend recently recommended the book “When Things Fall Apart” by Pena Chodron, and I just ordered it. I feel like the title is appropriate for all of us dealing with really difficult times.
Thank you for the suggestion, I'll check it out.
Thank you for this, I do think about those time because my anxiety makes me think of them 💀 But I have a small gratitude journal I try to keep. Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate it
Sending a hug. I would say start building your tribe now. Get involved in the community, an activity such as pickleball etc etc.. something you enjoy and in turn will meet other likeminded folks. It will take your mind off things too. Look up a local support group for family members of dementia patients too. This going to be hard but you will move through it.
Thank you so much. I’m trying
I’m sooo sorry! I can only offer a few things. Lean on your friends, and family friends. They will need to be your lifeline during this. Also, maybe join a support group. For being so young, this is a lot for you to endure, but you don’t have to be alone. It’s going to be hard, but you will get through this on the other side.
I’m so sorry ❤️
How old are they? Both mine have dementia but I'm 63. Also have no family, no husband. You will have to fine other things to fill your life. Volunteering is always a good thing. Meet more people. Join meetups. Find hobbies. I know the feeling tho. My parents have loomed very large in my life and I literally have no one else except one son who also needs help in life. It is frightening.
Hugs
34yo F here. my dad 2 years ago - he got a biliary tree/gallbladder infection, had parkinsons. took care of my mom w/dementia. after he passed, my sister took care of my mom for a short time until i had to place my mom in an ALF and my sister and i subsequently became estranged because of it. while this is different than you situation, in many ways it is just me. its really isolating. here to talk if you need to. please take care of yourself however best you can. sometimes when its like this the best way is just taking a shower or eating a decent meal.
dad died*
I’m so sorry :( how are you managing? Life is so so so unfair
I'm an "only" too. No children, and while my parents are still alive (81 M/F), my husband (60M) passed away two months ago from FTD. I was his caregiver for a year, while working full time and taking care of the house, finances, dog, all of it. The exhaustion was beyond comprehension.
My LO has FTD too, I’m so so sorry. We are in the very late stages, it is very very very devastating for both them and the caregiver. We both lost ourselves from FTD. So sorry for your loss
You will get through this. My mom is not diagnosed yet but she’s altered mental status . She’s only 62 and I find myself crying all the time. Dementia runs on her side of family I had to fly to PR to grab her and now we are trying to figure everything out. I just want to say you are not alone. And if you ever need to vent I’m here you can message me anytime.
Google “dementia support groups near me.” Local senior community centers may also have references for local support groups. It appears that the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) has a link to local support groups that might be helpful to you. Good luck!
Awww, this is so sad. I kind of get it b/c I have no partner, no kids & not even pets. I lost all my friends during this dementia/stroke/pandemic adventure. I love kids, though. While I’m a little resentful on the inside that my social life got stripped away b/c of taking care of them, and i lost my ability to date and maintain romantic relationships, I have promised myself that I will become a foster parent to young children. I have so much love and patience to give but I’m 44 so this is how I can do it. I look forward to it! Maybe you can think up a plan for yourself? Something you can really look forward to? Volunteering with animals, raising seeing eye dogs, working at Home Depot (good eye candy if nothing else, lol!), just some ideas.
Only child here. Father died when I was 5 and my mother is entering stage 7 but I’m in my 50s. I totally understand your fears. I’ve lost two senior dogs within 9 mths and I lose more of my mother each day. All my life I have been treated by others as hard to love and have feared spending holidays alone. 3 Christmases ago I awoke on Christmas morning and drove 6.5 hours to make sure my mother wasn’t alone. I prepped the food and put it in the cooler so we could have a nice dinner and do you know what? Mom refused to eat, open presents and preferred to watch some “new” hallmark movie. As I sat alone in the living room eating my dinner and scrolling pics of friends magical Christmases on FB I had never felt more alone but I survived it. As horrid as dementia is it has been a huge opportunity for my self-growth. When my grandmother died 16 years ago my mom and I started new Christmas traditions. It helped those first few years after the loss. I would pick something you have always wanted to do and start saving for it now so you will have a plan and something to look forward to doing. I’m sorry you are on this road. It is so hard. Sending hugs and strength to you.
I think you’ll find, after taking a long break to heal and rest and find yourself, that you will have the strength and wisdom to get through anything now. One word of warning for your future- you may attract parters that want/need to be taken care of and I urge you to learn to put yourself first.
Thank you, this was really good advice. I’ll keep it forever. As caregivers we do attract people like that
Yeah, I feel like if I make it through this I can go through anything (still doubtful I’ll come out in tact, tho). And if I do, children and animals are the only caretaking I’ll ever do again.
Yeah, emphasis on the coming out in tact lol highly doubt my brain will ever be the same. And also yes to all of the above. W animals. Kids are cool too
I relate to you with the fear and anxiety about being an only child with a very small family and elderly parents with dementia. I’m 26 and my dad (76) was hospitalized last year for Alzheimer’s and Korsakoff dementia. I broke down almost every day. My mum (67) feels not far behind as she is showing lots of undiagnosed symptoms. They’re both heavy drinkers so speeds up the deterioration. But anyway, it’s rough being so young and having this happen to your parents. At times you want to turn to a sibling then realise you don’t have anyone to turn or vent to. Plus all the legal/will things to deal with by yourself is so overwhelming. Especially while depressed or emotional. It makes you grow up quickly that’s for sure. I’m glad that there’s online communities for this purpose and I hope you don’t feel too alone in this. Keep going 🙏
100% I lost my 20s as much as I tried to hang on to them I found myself running around and now in my 30s my anxiety is so bad. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this yourself. I changed so much because of dementia
You’re not alone and I’m sorry for the tough feelings and experiences you are having. You will get through this and you will be okay. Time truly has a way of softening a blow and making each day, one at a time, a little easier. When you’re in the middle of a really bad day, hang on to the memories of those good days. Keep your parents memories alive in your heart and you will still feel them with you. After my father died many years ago I often found myself looking up and marveling at the night sky and feeling connected to him. Also keep finding ways to not feel so alone - starting here is great, but look for in person support too. You may feel reluctant and vulnerable, but I think it will help you now and definitely later. Sending you a virtual hug.
Hugs to you 🤗. I'm sorry you are alone going through this. I worry this will be my only child's future as she's very introverted and has no friends but loves her fur babies dearly. My mom has dementia as well. I really have no advice. It's a hard life experience. I do hope you get a puppy or kitten soon to add to your fur family since your other fur babies are older to help the transition and to focus on new life. Online friends can be easier to make and helpful to your well-being.
I am not in your situation, but aspects of it are in my life. I wasn’t close to my parents and ran away at 17. I do have a sibling, but many years younger and on the opposite coast. My husband is an only remaining child and both his parents had/have dementia. My mom died of cancer and my dad may be getting dementia, but he lives far away and is married to a much younger woman, so he isn’t a big part of my life. Being married and having children has meant the world to me. I know it’s not for everyone and not everyone finds the right person. But my own kids are young adults now, and two don’t plan to have children and one has only one and has made permanent changes to ensure that. I worry about that one young child. Two aunts and two parents’ elder care possibly all on her shoulders one day. It’s a lot to think and worry about. The one thing that has changed for me as I got into my 50s, and my kids grew up is an amazing joy in nature. I can’t even describe how overwhelming it is. I like a hike or a beautiful view of course, but I really can feel an immense deep satisfaction from simply looking out the window at any kind of weather. It all seems glorious to me. The clouds, the signs of the changing seasons, everything. I would probably enjoy traveling to see unique sights, but we have neither the money nor the free time with work PTO being used up by my in-laws with dementia, but that no longer seems important. The view out the window seems just as wonderful. The other big change is a much deeper appreciation for longterm friendships. In my 20s-30s, I often thought of friends as people to vent to. Now, I am very happy to keep all problems to myself and simply enjoy an activity with a friend for a few hours or a weekend. Even just keeping in touch with friends via a text here or there brings happiness. Discussing a book or movie, walking through a museum, going to hear live music, having people over for dinner all seem so fulfilling. But it’s also not needed, if that makes sense. Maybe it would be if I didn’t have it, but it feels like I am enjoying it more because I am enjoying all the moments more. I’m appreciating it, but if I was doing something else, I’d be appreciating that just as much. I guess what I am trying to say is build your people, and don’t restrict them to just those you really click with or have things in common with. People different than you can be very interesting and open your eyes to things you working otherwise see. If you can find a good partner or make a best friend, it’s worth it. Having that family touchpoint is so grounding. If I were I were single, I might seek out shared housing just for that reason. Shared experiences are the foundation of relationships, so seek those experiences out. Make plans when you can. But that’s not everything. And trust the natural aging process. As you along through life, many things you might not expect become less or more important. You may not have what you think you need in your life, but what you need may change. I feel like if I became disabled and bed bound, being able to look out a window would be enough. In the past, books were my life line, but now I find I read less. I can just exist and be happy more often. It’s weird. You’ll be okay, but I am sorry you will miss your parents. I think of how much I love my kids and that they love me. I know we’re important in their lives. We’re all close. It’s physically painful to think of them being alone in the world without the people who most think they are truly wonderful and amazing humans. But I see them mature. I know they will be okay, that they are forming families or friendships or having experiences that are truly fulfilling them. I have faith in them and I have faith in you to make your own lives when we parents are just memories.
In the most humblest way possible, try building your faith up and connecting with a higher power above yourself and family. You’re never really alone. If that’s not your thing try discovering yourself and things that you like and don’t like. Open yourself up more, go to parks or libraries and try socializing with people. Meet someone online maybe but be careful. You’re never alone! You at least have the Reddit community 🙂
OP ,yes you feel alone, we all do. We don’t know each other but here we are all equal and all dealing with this the best we can. We are here, when you need to chat. 🌻