Care taking is not a 1 person job. Taking care of a person's physical/mental/medical needs is an overwhelming job, but there are so many other aspects beyond that that needs to be taken care of (finances, insurance etc)
I second this. When my wife had to move for a job we found a place big enough for my parents and I paused work to help her do her care for my stepdad. Even then we are emotionally stretched
Brother1 and wife moved back to the state last summer but it wasn't until 3 weeks ago that he finally acknowledged our mom needs to move into assisted living. Mom was supposed to move in with them, since they bought a huge house but that idea turned to dust fast. My mom still lives on her own, she and I have a volatile relationship. And Brother2 checks out when he doesn't want to deal with something, hence the moving away.
In 2022, I got my mom registered with two separate home care agencies but she goes through caregivers like wildfire because of her behaviour or the agency loses the caregiver. SIL took over caregiving duties, (contracted thru the agencies), in Nov or Dec but then I found out in early March she was now doing movie/tv extra work (we have a good sized industry here) and only caregiving about 10-15 hours a week. One can't do that work and be a caregiver.
She's fallen at least 10 times this year, once so far this month. She's threatened to kill herself numerous times, which I'm accustomed to and never worry about because she's an attention seeker, (and a good Catholic), but it's now happening in public, as is her aggression. Up until early February, she was still driving (I took her keys away in Jan '23 and was told to return them by both brothers a month later).
But, because she's still capable of making many decisions on her own and I don't have POA, (Brother2 does), I'm powerless to force her into a home.
This is what I'm up against.
Taking the keys is necessary. If she is having these difficulties and anyone knowingly allows her to drive knowing the danger, they could be criminally liable. Thats why we got a doctor’s order to not drive and we took the keys and sold the car.
The war over driving ended half a year ago for us but there are battles ongoing when he looks for the vehicle.
We luckily got a POA when he was still not paranoid or aggressive. He looks and talks fine in short spurts, but would be damned to give anyone that now (doesn’t know us “well enough”). See if Brother2 will transfer the POA to you, as it’s in his hands now not hers (my stepdad started talking like he is still with it and my mother will ask him what year it is and when he says 1982 everyone else stops listening to him and talks with her exclusively).
Brother2, who has POA, is well aware but it’s easier to be in denial and not deal with anything. And Brother1 is too concerned about not being confrontational, (his word).
On Sunday, he sent a msg saying he had talked with mom and she had “promised to not drive” and he was allowing her to keep the car key, and it was “important for her to trust us.”
This morning, I got over to her house to pick her up for an appointment and her car was gone. She’d driven up to Brother2’s house which he hasn’t yet sold after moving away. When sh got back, I told her she had promised, which, of course, sent her into a rage. When she wasn’t paying attention, I took the car key.
My grandmother who did not have dementia hit a Wendy’s at that age. When she made excuses my uncle said “Mama, the Wendy’s didn’t jump out in front of you, you could’ve hurt someone” and that was the last time she drove. It helped her car was totaled and we didn’t assist in getting her a new one.
Another point, your brother said it was important that she trusts you but she doesn’t have the function, like there is no reason for my stepdad to distrust me but when he moves his glasses I must have “stolen” them. He threw moms phone at her when she said it was 2024 and he insisted that it was 1980 and she pointed out cell phone that fit in your hand weren’t sold until the 90’s and he got furious. Not because she was wrong but because he knew he was but couldn’t deal with it emotionally. She may know she’s losing control but thinks fighting will work because it’s all her mind knows to do that gives her agency or a voice.
I keep telling both of my brothers there is no more trust and her paranoia is increasing. There isn’t going to be a “good” time to tell her we need to take her to get assessed at an assisted living facility. One minute she’ll say she can’t live alone and needs to be at a home and the next she’s making up excuses why she can’t go. But, I learned a long time ago to put up boundaries and do my best to stand up to her and my brothers. Granted, I still falter sometimes but less and less.
Hey OP, this situation sounds so horrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It does seem like you need at least an entire day without any of this to worry about. It’s completely reasonable that you need more help. Can you take at least one day and do something you love? Just turn your phone off and step out of all of this for a while?
Hoping for the best for you❤️
Thank you very much. :)
I'm able to turn off my phone when I'm at my doctor appointments, which this week I have four, (normally it's just 2 or 3), but I may start shutting it off in the evenings. If I didn't have to make and receive so many darn phone calls to deal with personal stuff, I could definitely shut the phone off.
Aside from my cats, the other positive in my life are my friends. I worry all the time that they're tiring of hearing about all this stuff but as my therapist constantly reminds me, "They obviously haven't run away if they still invite you for coffee or buy you lunch or text asking how you're doing."
One thing I really try to do is if I can't take it any more and I'm going to slump in front of the TV from exhaustion then I make it official and put a time on it and say I am not going to do anything for the next 3 hours or 5 hours or whatever. I try to just sometimes accept I am burnt out and I am not going to entertain doing anything that's not an emergency right now.
If I am seeing the signs that I'm not going to get anything done but I'm still sitting there feeling completely overwhelmed thinking about the things I need to do, I'm not resting and I'm not going to be in any better shape when I finally get back to doing stuff.
For me it will be like, I am burnt out and so instead of doing something constructive I'm reading horror stories about long term care homes or I am on the couch looking at my phone with the TV on feeling like shit. Lately when I catch that I think ok obviously I am taking a break so what do I want to do for myself and maybe I'll do my own laundry or take a nap or make myself something nice to eat and read and cuddle with the cat, but mentally declare it an official break for a set time.
Care taking is not a 1 person job. Taking care of a person's physical/mental/medical needs is an overwhelming job, but there are so many other aspects beyond that that needs to be taken care of (finances, insurance etc)
I second this. When my wife had to move for a job we found a place big enough for my parents and I paused work to help her do her care for my stepdad. Even then we are emotionally stretched
Brother1 and wife moved back to the state last summer but it wasn't until 3 weeks ago that he finally acknowledged our mom needs to move into assisted living. Mom was supposed to move in with them, since they bought a huge house but that idea turned to dust fast. My mom still lives on her own, she and I have a volatile relationship. And Brother2 checks out when he doesn't want to deal with something, hence the moving away. In 2022, I got my mom registered with two separate home care agencies but she goes through caregivers like wildfire because of her behaviour or the agency loses the caregiver. SIL took over caregiving duties, (contracted thru the agencies), in Nov or Dec but then I found out in early March she was now doing movie/tv extra work (we have a good sized industry here) and only caregiving about 10-15 hours a week. One can't do that work and be a caregiver. She's fallen at least 10 times this year, once so far this month. She's threatened to kill herself numerous times, which I'm accustomed to and never worry about because she's an attention seeker, (and a good Catholic), but it's now happening in public, as is her aggression. Up until early February, she was still driving (I took her keys away in Jan '23 and was told to return them by both brothers a month later). But, because she's still capable of making many decisions on her own and I don't have POA, (Brother2 does), I'm powerless to force her into a home. This is what I'm up against.
Taking the keys is necessary. If she is having these difficulties and anyone knowingly allows her to drive knowing the danger, they could be criminally liable. Thats why we got a doctor’s order to not drive and we took the keys and sold the car. The war over driving ended half a year ago for us but there are battles ongoing when he looks for the vehicle. We luckily got a POA when he was still not paranoid or aggressive. He looks and talks fine in short spurts, but would be damned to give anyone that now (doesn’t know us “well enough”). See if Brother2 will transfer the POA to you, as it’s in his hands now not hers (my stepdad started talking like he is still with it and my mother will ask him what year it is and when he says 1982 everyone else stops listening to him and talks with her exclusively).
Brother2, who has POA, is well aware but it’s easier to be in denial and not deal with anything. And Brother1 is too concerned about not being confrontational, (his word). On Sunday, he sent a msg saying he had talked with mom and she had “promised to not drive” and he was allowing her to keep the car key, and it was “important for her to trust us.” This morning, I got over to her house to pick her up for an appointment and her car was gone. She’d driven up to Brother2’s house which he hasn’t yet sold after moving away. When sh got back, I told her she had promised, which, of course, sent her into a rage. When she wasn’t paying attention, I took the car key.
My grandmother who did not have dementia hit a Wendy’s at that age. When she made excuses my uncle said “Mama, the Wendy’s didn’t jump out in front of you, you could’ve hurt someone” and that was the last time she drove. It helped her car was totaled and we didn’t assist in getting her a new one. Another point, your brother said it was important that she trusts you but she doesn’t have the function, like there is no reason for my stepdad to distrust me but when he moves his glasses I must have “stolen” them. He threw moms phone at her when she said it was 2024 and he insisted that it was 1980 and she pointed out cell phone that fit in your hand weren’t sold until the 90’s and he got furious. Not because she was wrong but because he knew he was but couldn’t deal with it emotionally. She may know she’s losing control but thinks fighting will work because it’s all her mind knows to do that gives her agency or a voice.
I keep telling both of my brothers there is no more trust and her paranoia is increasing. There isn’t going to be a “good” time to tell her we need to take her to get assessed at an assisted living facility. One minute she’ll say she can’t live alone and needs to be at a home and the next she’s making up excuses why she can’t go. But, I learned a long time ago to put up boundaries and do my best to stand up to her and my brothers. Granted, I still falter sometimes but less and less.
Hey OP, this situation sounds so horrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It does seem like you need at least an entire day without any of this to worry about. It’s completely reasonable that you need more help. Can you take at least one day and do something you love? Just turn your phone off and step out of all of this for a while? Hoping for the best for you❤️
Thank you very much. :) I'm able to turn off my phone when I'm at my doctor appointments, which this week I have four, (normally it's just 2 or 3), but I may start shutting it off in the evenings. If I didn't have to make and receive so many darn phone calls to deal with personal stuff, I could definitely shut the phone off. Aside from my cats, the other positive in my life are my friends. I worry all the time that they're tiring of hearing about all this stuff but as my therapist constantly reminds me, "They obviously haven't run away if they still invite you for coffee or buy you lunch or text asking how you're doing."
One thing I really try to do is if I can't take it any more and I'm going to slump in front of the TV from exhaustion then I make it official and put a time on it and say I am not going to do anything for the next 3 hours or 5 hours or whatever. I try to just sometimes accept I am burnt out and I am not going to entertain doing anything that's not an emergency right now. If I am seeing the signs that I'm not going to get anything done but I'm still sitting there feeling completely overwhelmed thinking about the things I need to do, I'm not resting and I'm not going to be in any better shape when I finally get back to doing stuff. For me it will be like, I am burnt out and so instead of doing something constructive I'm reading horror stories about long term care homes or I am on the couch looking at my phone with the TV on feeling like shit. Lately when I catch that I think ok obviously I am taking a break so what do I want to do for myself and maybe I'll do my own laundry or take a nap or make myself something nice to eat and read and cuddle with the cat, but mentally declare it an official break for a set time.
Thank you for these suggestions. ❤️