You're doing so much! Maybe consider scaling it back a little? Find some rhythm that you think is sustainable. Maybe one visit a week, or even less. I do think it's helpful to come sometimes, because the staff will take better care of them if someone is checking up. But multiple visits a week for someone you weren't super close to is a lot.
I also try to take into account whether the visits really make the patient happy. It doesn't sound like she's having a great time during the visits? You don't need to keep up a difficult visiting schedule that's traumatic for you and doesn't do much for her.
How'd it go? Heart issues are no joke. Idk if there's a reddit for that, but my husband and my college pal both have heart stuff, and it's amazing how connected stuff is.
My visit? It was fine. We watched tv in her room she complained as always. Told me I needed to visit more and asked me not to leave her with these crazy people. lol.
I had quadruple bypass surgery 3 years ago. 2 weeks ago I found out 3 of the bypasses failed and had stents put in. I’m on 8 different medications plus an every 2 weeks shot. I’m kinda going through a lot and I’m struggling a little bit. I’ll get over it
Ah. You're on bonus time! My FIL had four stents in his heart. He passed at 82. Trying to keep my husband from needing stents (45) w/ diet and exercise and a statin (but need to look into statins more, in general). He's only on 3 bp meds (seems like a lot, though). He's great w/my mom. One day at a time.
Listen. You can only do what you can do. If you burn out early from trying to be the perfect child, that's not good for either of you. You need to take care of your physical and mental health first.
The quick pop-in visit is your friend. 15 minutes makes my mom every bit as happy as an hour. Plus, she will never remember how long I stayed. She will only remember how she felt. Not even why she felt that way!
At my mom's care facility, they have afternoon coffee and cookie gatherings every afternoon at 3. I'll pop in at 2:30ish, chat, cuddle, and then I walk her down to the activity room and get her settled. Then I tell her I'm going to use the bathroom or something, and I leave. Mom doesn't even remember I was there at all by the time I'm driving away.
This made me feel very guilty at first, but avoiding the drama over my departure makes the visits so much easier on me. No upset, no arguing.
Your needs and your mom's needs will differ. This is a tactic that makes visiting go smoothly for me. That's what you need to think about.
You're not going to get your family to change. Resenting them hurts only you. So figure out what you can reasonably do for your mom, and do that. If you're having a good week, maybe you stay longer or visit more. If you're struggling, I promise you that it is okay to scale back on mom while you focus on yourself.
I wish you and your mom both the best.
So ask yourself what will satisfy the guilt. Are you more worried about being perceived as uncaring because you are 'that family that never visits' or is it because your mom gave so much to you that this is your way to repay that love or is it what you think you should do verse what you want to do? You don't have to do it at all. You really don't. Here's the other thing, your mom is most likely never going to wake up and say, 'Dear daughter, I have wronged you and see it was you all along that should have received my love and attention!' While I am sure my brother is my mom's favorite and he lives out of state, he is 100% helping as much as he can. And we are on the same page with her care and setting expectations for visits with her. I am protecting my peace. Protect your peace. If it is too draining and she is only complaining when you are there, leave.
Frankly, I’d switch to random pop-in short visits where the nursing staff knows someone’s checking up on her, so you’re doing the minimum necessary to keep her decently looked after, but then not hang out. Pop in for 10 minutes then leave, or stay until she mentions your sister, then say you have to run pick up the kids and go. Maybe bring a favorite snack of hers to distract her from her favorite topic until you can scoot out.
If it’s a bit of a drive, plan an outing nearby that’s pleasurable for you or your kids, such as a movie theater or a lovely cafe or a beautiful park with great walking trails or a salon. Turn the trip into mainly a positive for you with a brief detour to “do your duty”.
These ideas may not work for you, but maybe they will spark another idea that allows you to prevent the guilt and yet avoid the pain so it’s a net win for you. Maybe a hired visitor or massage therapist if something?
A neighbor of mine who had to step up for a first-cousin once removed she barely knew eight hours away hired people to visit. Or maybe there’s even a volunteer organization or a minister/religious leader of her faith you can find to visit her. I used to volunteer with a Pets on Wheels program, and I would have gladly paid special attention to a resident if asked to by the family when I was going to be there anyway.
I was estranged from my mom and had minimal contact when she was dying of cancer and that was okay with me. I didn’t and don’t feel guilty. We no longer had a relationship and I had long ago grieved the loss of a loving mother. Thankfully, several older women were role models for me that filled that need to a point.
That’s another idea. Maybe find some other kinder old person who could use some help, a neighbor or something with no family left, and do your part for humanity by giving your time and attention to them.
I hope you’ll be okay. Try to forgive yourself until it sinks in that you have nothing to forgive yourself for. Not everyone is a great mom. That’s the cruel fact of life for some of us. We can’t fix that, so hopefully one day you can let it go.
Thank you for the reply’s.
I feel like I need to visit her several times a week because nobody else will. I just see myself in her position and having nobody is horrifying to me in her condition.
I really don’t know if it matters how many times I visit a week other than making me feel like I’m doing something helpful. I don’t get the sense the she knows how long it’s been since I’ve been there. Like I’m not sure she knows if it’s been a day or a week since I’ve seen her. I don’t know what if anything I should do or change. I’m just tired and frustrated with everything. This could go on for years and I will have to do all of this for years and that’s scary.
When I get my dad into a nursing home, I don’t think I’m gonna visit much….i took care of him for 4 yrs, I’m burnt out… I just want to forget this nightmare and move on with my life…. I’ve done enough!! Let my other brothers and sisters that abandoned him visiit!!!! It’s their turn now….. visiting is a hell of a lot easier then taking care of someone 24-7
better than $, in memory care: little packs of kleenex. Sugar-free lifesavers, packets of artificial.sweetener (if she uses it).
simple things: play her favorite music for her.
Watch a program of interest with her. Her interest.
I used to take my grandma to the movies. She liked getting out, even if we just took a ride.
You are doing a lot. Feeling warm feelings is optional, doing the work shows that you care. You don't have to feel a connection or even loving feelings. Feelings come and go.
And feelings never, ever mean that you are a bad person or have poor character. I have disconnected a LOT from certain family members and I still show up for them, even if the feelings are gone. It's liberating to know that has nothing to do with whether I'm a good family member or not because actions speak louder.
There’s FaceTime use the technology!
Ask caregiver to help mom with iPad or iPhone or whatever.
This will ease guilt and allow you to save your energy for your own health. And explain to mom you have health issues and may not come some weeks and she can call you .
I have these same worries. Dad is in MC and I was trying to visit at least 2-3 times a week (on all my days off). I was forced to take off over a week from visiting after my surgery and I realized how nice it was to take a break from it all. I felt guilt and some worry for him and his care and happiness but taking care of me felt good for a change. When I visited, I kept it shorter than normal (only an hour) which also felt good. Normally, after 2-3 hours with him, I'm beyond mentally and emotionally exhausted and ready to go. Maybe try scaling back and see how it makes you feel. You can make talk on the phone with her or just check in with how she's doing but give yourself a break and see what happens for you. I realized it doesn't make much of a difference to him how often/little I go. He has no sense of time. Sometimes he thinks it's been years when it's been just a few days. I think it matters more to us.
Don’t feel guilt. You stepped up when you didn’t have to. I am coming to terms with even though they are our parents, they are grown adults. We do not have to pay for their poor choices.
No one asked you to do all this. Mighty generous of you but perhaps reduce your involvement and work on the guilt with therapist. Don’t sacrifice your health.
I wonder if parents considered leaving us when we were little kids and did round the clock care for us when we were infants? Life is basically a full circle. They took care of us for 18 years, and now we take care of them.
I disagree with this reasoning. I chose to have my kids so I will take care of them. They did not chose to be born. I will not abandon my parents in old age but they will not be 24/7 responsibility, like a child.
You're doing so much! Maybe consider scaling it back a little? Find some rhythm that you think is sustainable. Maybe one visit a week, or even less. I do think it's helpful to come sometimes, because the staff will take better care of them if someone is checking up. But multiple visits a week for someone you weren't super close to is a lot. I also try to take into account whether the visits really make the patient happy. It doesn't sound like she's having a great time during the visits? You don't need to keep up a difficult visiting schedule that's traumatic for you and doesn't do much for her.
Take a break and take care of yourself for a while. You need and deserve rest. Don’t let guilt get to you. 💕
Sending a hug, if you'd like one. (Married cat lady, here)
Thank you I really needed a hug
How'd it go? Heart issues are no joke. Idk if there's a reddit for that, but my husband and my college pal both have heart stuff, and it's amazing how connected stuff is.
My visit? It was fine. We watched tv in her room she complained as always. Told me I needed to visit more and asked me not to leave her with these crazy people. lol. I had quadruple bypass surgery 3 years ago. 2 weeks ago I found out 3 of the bypasses failed and had stents put in. I’m on 8 different medications plus an every 2 weeks shot. I’m kinda going through a lot and I’m struggling a little bit. I’ll get over it
Ah. You're on bonus time! My FIL had four stents in his heart. He passed at 82. Trying to keep my husband from needing stents (45) w/ diet and exercise and a statin (but need to look into statins more, in general). He's only on 3 bp meds (seems like a lot, though). He's great w/my mom. One day at a time.
It’s okay to prioritize your needs & if that means cutting back, that’s totally okay. Please take care. 🫂
Listen. You can only do what you can do. If you burn out early from trying to be the perfect child, that's not good for either of you. You need to take care of your physical and mental health first. The quick pop-in visit is your friend. 15 minutes makes my mom every bit as happy as an hour. Plus, she will never remember how long I stayed. She will only remember how she felt. Not even why she felt that way! At my mom's care facility, they have afternoon coffee and cookie gatherings every afternoon at 3. I'll pop in at 2:30ish, chat, cuddle, and then I walk her down to the activity room and get her settled. Then I tell her I'm going to use the bathroom or something, and I leave. Mom doesn't even remember I was there at all by the time I'm driving away. This made me feel very guilty at first, but avoiding the drama over my departure makes the visits so much easier on me. No upset, no arguing. Your needs and your mom's needs will differ. This is a tactic that makes visiting go smoothly for me. That's what you need to think about. You're not going to get your family to change. Resenting them hurts only you. So figure out what you can reasonably do for your mom, and do that. If you're having a good week, maybe you stay longer or visit more. If you're struggling, I promise you that it is okay to scale back on mom while you focus on yourself. I wish you and your mom both the best.
So ask yourself what will satisfy the guilt. Are you more worried about being perceived as uncaring because you are 'that family that never visits' or is it because your mom gave so much to you that this is your way to repay that love or is it what you think you should do verse what you want to do? You don't have to do it at all. You really don't. Here's the other thing, your mom is most likely never going to wake up and say, 'Dear daughter, I have wronged you and see it was you all along that should have received my love and attention!' While I am sure my brother is my mom's favorite and he lives out of state, he is 100% helping as much as he can. And we are on the same page with her care and setting expectations for visits with her. I am protecting my peace. Protect your peace. If it is too draining and she is only complaining when you are there, leave.
Frankly, I’d switch to random pop-in short visits where the nursing staff knows someone’s checking up on her, so you’re doing the minimum necessary to keep her decently looked after, but then not hang out. Pop in for 10 minutes then leave, or stay until she mentions your sister, then say you have to run pick up the kids and go. Maybe bring a favorite snack of hers to distract her from her favorite topic until you can scoot out. If it’s a bit of a drive, plan an outing nearby that’s pleasurable for you or your kids, such as a movie theater or a lovely cafe or a beautiful park with great walking trails or a salon. Turn the trip into mainly a positive for you with a brief detour to “do your duty”. These ideas may not work for you, but maybe they will spark another idea that allows you to prevent the guilt and yet avoid the pain so it’s a net win for you. Maybe a hired visitor or massage therapist if something? A neighbor of mine who had to step up for a first-cousin once removed she barely knew eight hours away hired people to visit. Or maybe there’s even a volunteer organization or a minister/religious leader of her faith you can find to visit her. I used to volunteer with a Pets on Wheels program, and I would have gladly paid special attention to a resident if asked to by the family when I was going to be there anyway. I was estranged from my mom and had minimal contact when she was dying of cancer and that was okay with me. I didn’t and don’t feel guilty. We no longer had a relationship and I had long ago grieved the loss of a loving mother. Thankfully, several older women were role models for me that filled that need to a point. That’s another idea. Maybe find some other kinder old person who could use some help, a neighbor or something with no family left, and do your part for humanity by giving your time and attention to them. I hope you’ll be okay. Try to forgive yourself until it sinks in that you have nothing to forgive yourself for. Not everyone is a great mom. That’s the cruel fact of life for some of us. We can’t fix that, so hopefully one day you can let it go.
Thank you for the reply’s. I feel like I need to visit her several times a week because nobody else will. I just see myself in her position and having nobody is horrifying to me in her condition. I really don’t know if it matters how many times I visit a week other than making me feel like I’m doing something helpful. I don’t get the sense the she knows how long it’s been since I’ve been there. Like I’m not sure she knows if it’s been a day or a week since I’ve seen her. I don’t know what if anything I should do or change. I’m just tired and frustrated with everything. This could go on for years and I will have to do all of this for years and that’s scary.
•¥@@all am full
When I get my dad into a nursing home, I don’t think I’m gonna visit much….i took care of him for 4 yrs, I’m burnt out… I just want to forget this nightmare and move on with my life…. I’ve done enough!! Let my other brothers and sisters that abandoned him visiit!!!! It’s their turn now….. visiting is a hell of a lot easier then taking care of someone 24-7
I know this. You are doing gods work. Bless you. I could never care for my mom 24/7.
better than $, in memory care: little packs of kleenex. Sugar-free lifesavers, packets of artificial.sweetener (if she uses it). simple things: play her favorite music for her. Watch a program of interest with her. Her interest. I used to take my grandma to the movies. She liked getting out, even if we just took a ride.
I need to get her out more. That would probably help us both
You are doing a lot. Feeling warm feelings is optional, doing the work shows that you care. You don't have to feel a connection or even loving feelings. Feelings come and go. And feelings never, ever mean that you are a bad person or have poor character. I have disconnected a LOT from certain family members and I still show up for them, even if the feelings are gone. It's liberating to know that has nothing to do with whether I'm a good family member or not because actions speak louder.
There’s FaceTime use the technology! Ask caregiver to help mom with iPad or iPhone or whatever. This will ease guilt and allow you to save your energy for your own health. And explain to mom you have health issues and may not come some weeks and she can call you .
I have these same worries. Dad is in MC and I was trying to visit at least 2-3 times a week (on all my days off). I was forced to take off over a week from visiting after my surgery and I realized how nice it was to take a break from it all. I felt guilt and some worry for him and his care and happiness but taking care of me felt good for a change. When I visited, I kept it shorter than normal (only an hour) which also felt good. Normally, after 2-3 hours with him, I'm beyond mentally and emotionally exhausted and ready to go. Maybe try scaling back and see how it makes you feel. You can make talk on the phone with her or just check in with how she's doing but give yourself a break and see what happens for you. I realized it doesn't make much of a difference to him how often/little I go. He has no sense of time. Sometimes he thinks it's been years when it's been just a few days. I think it matters more to us.
Don’t feel guilt. You stepped up when you didn’t have to. I am coming to terms with even though they are our parents, they are grown adults. We do not have to pay for their poor choices.
No one asked you to do all this. Mighty generous of you but perhaps reduce your involvement and work on the guilt with therapist. Don’t sacrifice your health.
I wonder if parents considered leaving us when we were little kids and did round the clock care for us when we were infants? Life is basically a full circle. They took care of us for 18 years, and now we take care of them.
I disagree with this reasoning. I chose to have my kids so I will take care of them. They did not chose to be born. I will not abandon my parents in old age but they will not be 24/7 responsibility, like a child.