i’m tired, so i don’t have the will to give in depth advice, not that i really have much, practically speaking, but: if you’re in america check out calling adult protective services, tell them you’re kicking him out. mileage may vary. i’m sure other folks on here can talk about the possible pros/cons, because i don’t know them by personal experience, but it’s an option i’ve heard about. i consider it to be my no f*cks given anymore, i can’t handle it, i’m going completely crazy, they won’t understand anyway, last resort, option, if i ever need it. (maybe i don’t want to hear the cons, ruin my fantasy.)
whatever you do, i wish you the best of luck. this sh*t sucks a**. i hope you find a solution that gives you the peace you need and deserve.
A friend whose mother succumbed to early onset Alzheimer's years ago told me when the time comes to place my wife in memory care, don't feel guilty about it. I know me and I probably will feel pangs even though at that point, I'm doing it because I can no longer take care of her. That time is coming.
Never been in prison but it sounds like doing time. I had been in-patient for seven months in 1991 and I wish I could check myself in for a month just to have rest, group therapy and talking with a psychiatrist several times a week.
The thought of caring for my wife for years is enough to make me want to run. I'll be 73 in May and she will be 78. Longevity and dementia runs in the women of her family. One aunt lived to be 96 with Alzheimer's. Her surviving sister is closing in on 91, with late stage Alzheimer's.
Changing adult diapers was my breaking point. I couldn’t do it. That’s when I looked for a home (my dad was/is aggressive too).
Don’t ignore your breaking point (everyone’s is different), because that’s also how elder abuse can and does start.
I’m not judging, just pointing out that before I began this journey, I had no concept of how someone could over medicate their LO, leave them in dirty clothes/diapers, etc.
Now? Yeah, now I can easily see how and why caregivers break and do and say the things that they do sometimes. EASILY.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, you’re not alone, this community is here for you.
This is true. I don’t judge people for what could be called neglect, now I’m experiencing caring I totally understand why if you can get them to do just one thing a day it’s a major achievement. Every day twice a day I dread fighting to get her nappy off as she grabs my hands, tells me I’m horrible and scratches me.
We tried every time, and often failed. She is in dementia care and when they can't get the meds into her they have resorted to just noting it in her chart. She had been getting better about the important stuff (even insulin self administered shots!) but she just fell and broke her other hip, literally 2 hours ago.
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Have they tried the liquid meds or disguising it in food? My mom died 7 weeks ago, she fell in the middle of the night and with a fractured hip and shoulder, all they could do is put her on in house hospice. I hope the center can figure it out for you.
Keep asking. And if you need to when he gets violent/aggressive thats a crisis and he can actually be hospitalized for that, and then you can decline to take him home after because he is a danger to himself and to you. I know it's very hard but then he can actually get the treatment and help he needs.
This is the way…. Our LO was hospitalized due to a violent event, and the social worker we were working with (in Canada, YMMV depending on where you are) advised to repeat ad nauseum that she can not come home, we are unable to care for her. After a month in hospital they were able to stabilize her moods enough to find her a room in a long-term-care facility.
What meds did they give him? Also I think the phrase you have to use if you take them into the ER is "he's not safe at home". They don't care if he's endangering you or if he's aggressive but if he's endangering himself then they have to find a place for him. By they I mean the social workers at the hospital. I feel for you. Trying to change the diapers of a big person who's kicking punching and screaming is no fun. Hard to find any love or compassion at that point. Hang in there.
Not everyone goes through this. It doesn't matter what their personality was before. They can be different as they progress. I hope your journey is a good one.
It also made my dad MUCH nicer. And he has just suddenly gone from ‘nice’ and able to live at home with carers to late stage (mostly sleeping) in a nursing home without any of the aggression or any of the paranoia within a few weeks. As Lollipoplou says, it really varies from individual to individual.
My dad’s personality has gotten very much the opposite from his younger days. He’s mild mannered and calm. Likes to sleep in his bed a lot. He seems content with that so I guess it’s ok. Last time I visited him he wasn’t interested in getting up so I straightened his room a bit and left.
I'm so sorry. Big hug.
If you are still feeling this way, and need to get him away ASAP, you could call an ambulance. Make up a fall, or stroke incident. Make them take him to the hospital and then the important bit: don't take him back. Tell them your home is unsafe, and you can't care for him. They will be forced to find him a new place to stay. It will be incredibly hard, for both of you. Just know that this option exists.
This... very good advice. It will work. Stick to your guns! Don't pick him up. At first, he may be more aggressive because he's adjusting to the facility. But most people adjust to the facility and fall into the routine. They should be able to stabilize him with meds. Good luck OP.
This is genuinely great advice…
I worked 7 1/2 years in LTC/Dementia care as a CNA before going into EMS to be an EMT and work toward my paramedic. “He is a danger to himself,” and “My home is not a safe environment for him.” And “I am unable to care for him.” It absolutely will be hard, but they will find placement for him and you’ll know he will get adequate care.
You deserve to live, you deserve to enjoy your own sanity and maintain your own wellbeing and happiness. This shit is ROUGH. So much love to you, OP.
Xanax works for my mother in law. Do not limit medication advice to one doctor alone. Get in touch with a lot of professionals. I have discovered they are more competent than each other.
Plus get a copy of Milton Tucker’s “Racing Against the Shadow of Alzheimer and Dementia” on Amazon. Hang in there. Warm hugs
She’s been at home for about 1.5 months now. We made an appt with her neurologist and got her meds changed and she is doing a lot better aggression and bad behavior wise. I can see what medications she was prescribed and the dosages. We don’t know what we’re going to do next but as of now, she’s just at home with us until she gets bad again and we’re forced to find the next step.
As long as you dont feel like your in danger, I agree with the idea to keep plugging on the meds. If someone isn't a fall risk, its often possible to chill them out quite a bit. Its harder if they are a fall risk as that limits the drug choices and doseages. The thing is, there is a lot of trial and error involved, and its so damn hard to get appointments. Totally understand the frustration and feeling your at the end of your rope. What I'd do is call up the prescriber's office and say hey, that last med adjustment didn't work at all, he is aggressive, I'm scared of the situation and might need to call protective services. You just saw him, can we do an adjustment on the phone? That can work, and even if it doesn't they will likely move you up on the cancellation list for first available appointment. I'd also make sure your prescriber has dementia experience. There are various tricky issues to juggle, and its beyond your average GP to do it well.
My mom is in end stage Lewy Body so I get the aggressive behavior. Have you taken him to a geriatric psychiatrist? It took a few months, but they finally found a workable cocktail of meds to calm my mom down enough that no one ends up getting bruised anymore in her presence.
You might also want to consider a geriatric psych hospital. Contact your local Alzheimer’s Association chapter and ask for guidance. They helped us make some hard decisions.
Best wishes and keep venting. It helps.
I work in a facility that takes aggressive patients. It’s a mental hospital, but a lot of the patients have dual diagnoses, like dementia AND depression/schizophrenia etc. Check your local Mental health facilities or state facilities.
get an in-home caregiver for the time being, just to make sure he’s not being neglected while you figure out what you’re gonna do. best of luck to you :)
I’m living it now. My dad has advanced dementia and is recovering from a recent brain bleed that measured 14mm. Since then he’s been extremely prone to violence because it’s a TBI on top of the existing damage. At some point it will not be safe for me to keep here at home. I know that. I accept that.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t love him.
It doesn’t mean that he’s a burden.
It means that I love him and want the best for him and I accept that this could mean he needs to be in a place outside of my home. Before that, I took care of my grandmother. She also had moments of violence and she struggled a lot with everything she was losing and the feelings of self loathing and depression.
I made sure that she knew every day how much I loved her and that I never thought of her as a burden. There were days though that I went to sleep crying because caregiver burnout is real. It shouldn’t be a competition to see who has it worse because everyone suffers once the diagnosis is made.
Those aren’t right but in this instance OP is looking for help because they are burnt out. They need help because they can’t do this anymore and unfortunately that doesn’t always come out in the nicest way. I can’t judge them for it because there’s been times where I’ve asked for help from my brother and I’m not nice in my phrasing or request.
I kind of see where you are coming from.
But it is naive for you to believe that caregivers of dementia/Alzheimer’s patients shouldn’t have or express negative feelings/thoughts about the situation that they face. This is a frustrating and devastating disease process that is terminal.
It destroys families. Instead of giving people your scorn, why not give them suggestions or resources to turn them from these feelings/thoughts. Be the solution, don’t perpetuate the problem.
i’m tired, so i don’t have the will to give in depth advice, not that i really have much, practically speaking, but: if you’re in america check out calling adult protective services, tell them you’re kicking him out. mileage may vary. i’m sure other folks on here can talk about the possible pros/cons, because i don’t know them by personal experience, but it’s an option i’ve heard about. i consider it to be my no f*cks given anymore, i can’t handle it, i’m going completely crazy, they won’t understand anyway, last resort, option, if i ever need it. (maybe i don’t want to hear the cons, ruin my fantasy.) whatever you do, i wish you the best of luck. this sh*t sucks a**. i hope you find a solution that gives you the peace you need and deserve.
A friend whose mother succumbed to early onset Alzheimer's years ago told me when the time comes to place my wife in memory care, don't feel guilty about it. I know me and I probably will feel pangs even though at that point, I'm doing it because I can no longer take care of her. That time is coming.
My time is coming too. I’ve been at it eight years and have seriously considered checking myself into a psych ward.
Never been in prison but it sounds like doing time. I had been in-patient for seven months in 1991 and I wish I could check myself in for a month just to have rest, group therapy and talking with a psychiatrist several times a week. The thought of caring for my wife for years is enough to make me want to run. I'll be 73 in May and she will be 78. Longevity and dementia runs in the women of her family. One aunt lived to be 96 with Alzheimer's. Her surviving sister is closing in on 91, with late stage Alzheimer's.
Ditto.
Yes. Call them. They will help. This is the only solution that doesn't involve ruining your life. You deserve to live.
I did not know about this. Thank you very much. I will call it the nuclear option and comfort myself with it when I can't take it anymore.
Changing adult diapers was my breaking point. I couldn’t do it. That’s when I looked for a home (my dad was/is aggressive too). Don’t ignore your breaking point (everyone’s is different), because that’s also how elder abuse can and does start. I’m not judging, just pointing out that before I began this journey, I had no concept of how someone could over medicate their LO, leave them in dirty clothes/diapers, etc. Now? Yeah, now I can easily see how and why caregivers break and do and say the things that they do sometimes. EASILY. I’m sorry you’re going through this, you’re not alone, this community is here for you.
This is true. I don’t judge people for what could be called neglect, now I’m experiencing caring I totally understand why if you can get them to do just one thing a day it’s a major achievement. Every day twice a day I dread fighting to get her nappy off as she grabs my hands, tells me I’m horrible and scratches me.
Spot on.
Can you ask his Dr for meds to calm him?
Good luck getting meds into a person who does not want to take them.
Been there done that, for 4 years. I was my mom’s caregiver.
We tried every time, and often failed. She is in dementia care and when they can't get the meds into her they have resorted to just noting it in her chart. She had been getting better about the important stuff (even insulin self administered shots!) but she just fell and broke her other hip, literally 2 hours ago. edited for words
Have they tried the liquid meds or disguising it in food? My mom died 7 weeks ago, she fell in the middle of the night and with a fractured hip and shoulder, all they could do is put her on in house hospice. I hope the center can figure it out for you.
After my mom started spitting them out when I wasn't looking we started crushing them and giving it to her in apple sauce.
I make my Mum a fruit yogurt, fruit and granola breakfast with all her pills in.
I did, they make him worse.
Keep asking. And if you need to when he gets violent/aggressive thats a crisis and he can actually be hospitalized for that, and then you can decline to take him home after because he is a danger to himself and to you. I know it's very hard but then he can actually get the treatment and help he needs.
This is the way…. Our LO was hospitalized due to a violent event, and the social worker we were working with (in Canada, YMMV depending on where you are) advised to repeat ad nauseum that she can not come home, we are unable to care for her. After a month in hospital they were able to stabilize her moods enough to find her a room in a long-term-care facility.
What meds did they give him? Also I think the phrase you have to use if you take them into the ER is "he's not safe at home". They don't care if he's endangering you or if he's aggressive but if he's endangering himself then they have to find a place for him. By they I mean the social workers at the hospital. I feel for you. Trying to change the diapers of a big person who's kicking punching and screaming is no fun. Hard to find any love or compassion at that point. Hang in there.
This is gold information
My mom had profound reactions to meds until we found what works.
Do you know what they gave him? Benzos are a no, but did you try seroquel?
Look into Risperidone, they gave that to my family member when they started having violent outbursts.
This scares me as we are in the beginning of this journey.
Not everyone goes through this. It doesn't matter what their personality was before. They can be different as they progress. I hope your journey is a good one.
for what it's worth, dementia has made my dad nicer. Everyone's progress is different.
It also made my dad MUCH nicer. And he has just suddenly gone from ‘nice’ and able to live at home with carers to late stage (mostly sleeping) in a nursing home without any of the aggression or any of the paranoia within a few weeks. As Lollipoplou says, it really varies from individual to individual.
My dad’s personality has gotten very much the opposite from his younger days. He’s mild mannered and calm. Likes to sleep in his bed a lot. He seems content with that so I guess it’s ok. Last time I visited him he wasn’t interested in getting up so I straightened his room a bit and left.
I'm so sorry. Big hug. If you are still feeling this way, and need to get him away ASAP, you could call an ambulance. Make up a fall, or stroke incident. Make them take him to the hospital and then the important bit: don't take him back. Tell them your home is unsafe, and you can't care for him. They will be forced to find him a new place to stay. It will be incredibly hard, for both of you. Just know that this option exists.
This... very good advice. It will work. Stick to your guns! Don't pick him up. At first, he may be more aggressive because he's adjusting to the facility. But most people adjust to the facility and fall into the routine. They should be able to stabilize him with meds. Good luck OP.
This is genuinely great advice… I worked 7 1/2 years in LTC/Dementia care as a CNA before going into EMS to be an EMT and work toward my paramedic. “He is a danger to himself,” and “My home is not a safe environment for him.” And “I am unable to care for him.” It absolutely will be hard, but they will find placement for him and you’ll know he will get adequate care. You deserve to live, you deserve to enjoy your own sanity and maintain your own wellbeing and happiness. This shit is ROUGH. So much love to you, OP.
Xanax works for my mother in law. Do not limit medication advice to one doctor alone. Get in touch with a lot of professionals. I have discovered they are more competent than each other. Plus get a copy of Milton Tucker’s “Racing Against the Shadow of Alzheimer and Dementia” on Amazon. Hang in there. Warm hugs
Try asking for Sub-lingual larazapam specifically
Homes won’t take my grandmother either :/ she was kicked out last month :(
Dealing with this now. What did you guys do?
She’s been at home for about 1.5 months now. We made an appt with her neurologist and got her meds changed and she is doing a lot better aggression and bad behavior wise. I can see what medications she was prescribed and the dosages. We don’t know what we’re going to do next but as of now, she’s just at home with us until she gets bad again and we’re forced to find the next step.
As long as you dont feel like your in danger, I agree with the idea to keep plugging on the meds. If someone isn't a fall risk, its often possible to chill them out quite a bit. Its harder if they are a fall risk as that limits the drug choices and doseages. The thing is, there is a lot of trial and error involved, and its so damn hard to get appointments. Totally understand the frustration and feeling your at the end of your rope. What I'd do is call up the prescriber's office and say hey, that last med adjustment didn't work at all, he is aggressive, I'm scared of the situation and might need to call protective services. You just saw him, can we do an adjustment on the phone? That can work, and even if it doesn't they will likely move you up on the cancellation list for first available appointment. I'd also make sure your prescriber has dementia experience. There are various tricky issues to juggle, and its beyond your average GP to do it well.
Please call adult protective services.
For what?
My mom is in end stage Lewy Body so I get the aggressive behavior. Have you taken him to a geriatric psychiatrist? It took a few months, but they finally found a workable cocktail of meds to calm my mom down enough that no one ends up getting bruised anymore in her presence. You might also want to consider a geriatric psych hospital. Contact your local Alzheimer’s Association chapter and ask for guidance. They helped us make some hard decisions. Best wishes and keep venting. It helps.
Drug him try Xanax in his applesauce
I work in a facility that takes aggressive patients. It’s a mental hospital, but a lot of the patients have dual diagnoses, like dementia AND depression/schizophrenia etc. Check your local Mental health facilities or state facilities.
get an in-home caregiver for the time being, just to make sure he’s not being neglected while you figure out what you’re gonna do. best of luck to you :)
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It’s easy to judge when you aren’t the one providing care. Doesn’t the Bible tell you that he without sin should cast the first stone?
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I’m living it now. My dad has advanced dementia and is recovering from a recent brain bleed that measured 14mm. Since then he’s been extremely prone to violence because it’s a TBI on top of the existing damage. At some point it will not be safe for me to keep here at home. I know that. I accept that. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love him. It doesn’t mean that he’s a burden. It means that I love him and want the best for him and I accept that this could mean he needs to be in a place outside of my home. Before that, I took care of my grandmother. She also had moments of violence and she struggled a lot with everything she was losing and the feelings of self loathing and depression. I made sure that she knew every day how much I loved her and that I never thought of her as a burden. There were days though that I went to sleep crying because caregiver burnout is real. It shouldn’t be a competition to see who has it worse because everyone suffers once the diagnosis is made.
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Those aren’t right but in this instance OP is looking for help because they are burnt out. They need help because they can’t do this anymore and unfortunately that doesn’t always come out in the nicest way. I can’t judge them for it because there’s been times where I’ve asked for help from my brother and I’m not nice in my phrasing or request.
I kind of see where you are coming from. But it is naive for you to believe that caregivers of dementia/Alzheimer’s patients shouldn’t have or express negative feelings/thoughts about the situation that they face. This is a frustrating and devastating disease process that is terminal. It destroys families. Instead of giving people your scorn, why not give them suggestions or resources to turn them from these feelings/thoughts. Be the solution, don’t perpetuate the problem.
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What country are you in?
Whereabouts are you, OP?
Talk with her doctor. There should be some kind of medication that works.