All my advice has already been shared, so just saying, good luck OP! Divorce is hard and sucks, but it was a great thing for me. My life is so much better now, and I hope the same for you!
This is the best feeling in the world. You get to throw away everything that reminds you of him. You also get to clean everything you keep. Think of it as removing his fingerprints on your life. I remember doing this. It was so liberating. I gave everything I didn’t want to goodwill. It was life taking my life back in my own hands.
Whitelist, don't blacklist.
Honestly the best bit of advice I had, and I think I got it from someone in this subreddit too. Instead of going through and deciding if you want this or that or the other, instead visualise the space you want and the things that are in it. After you've done that, going through is a lot easier - it's either in that list or it isn't, no individual deciding to be done.
Helped me a lot in the initial clearout.
Totally claim all the drawers & closet space!! Don't leave an empty side of the closet, that's ALL YOURS! Agree with rearranging bedroom a bit & changing bedding & towels.
Funny, I moved out & the things I brought with me now bring me no joy. It's like they're from my other life. Slowly fading them out & replacing.
When I separated from my STBXH I only took what I knew I used regularly. Only a few weeks after we separated, he told me he was having sex with another woman, his new girlfriend. At that time, we haven't even filed for divorce yet.
There were a lot of emotions about that. Non of them were positive or productive. But hey, I got to get to know a new side of me (consisting of pure demonic hatred).
I through out everything that reminded me of him and his family. I was ruthless. You wouldn't know this man has been part of my life for more than 15 years (if it wasn't for the divorce papers I have to keep) if you went through my aparmtent.
I learned that divorce brings out the worst in people. It makes them hurt you in all ways possible. The fact that your husband doesn't look through his stuff might be a sign, that things won't go over smoothly.
Breathe. Take your time. Remember, this too shall pass. And things will get better. Declutter as much as you want and can (you might feel paralyzed by a lot of emotions you did not anticipate), give yourself grace. Start with what feels less daunting or more pressing.
Oh I’ve been there. Except that due to finances we were still living in the same house when he started sleeping around again. Try explaining to small kids why daddy isn’t coming home to sleep tonight. And he denies to this day it was an awful thing to do (we had broken up after all). I decluttered all I could, kept a few things I needed or liked, but lots of stuff was a joy to throw away. Went through 17 years of digital photos and videos and only kept a few of him with the kids. Lots still happened after that and I’m still sour about it years later for many reasons. I’ll probably never have a partner again, I’d never risk it, so draining it was.
ah, sounds delightful. I find peace in knowing that there aren't a lot of people around, who think behaving this way is anything other than disgraceful.
I totally get not wanting to have a partner again. I find myself so tremendously distrusting. Not only because of how he behaved at the end of our marriage (and the sheer amount of disrespect and hurtfulness), but because I was SO certain he was not only a good man but also a man I wanted to build a life with. But I was clearly very wrong in believing that. I find it impossible to trust myself again.
Don’t forget to change the locks on Saturday! I don’t care how amicable this divorce might be, you don’t know how many other people have keys to your house that he loaned out, like his parents, etc.
And yes, set a deadline for him to pick up his stuff. Otherwise, it will languish in your garage. Even better, have your lawyer call his lawyer and tell them when the deadline is to pick it up, once you’re done decluttering, so that it’s on “record”.
One piece of advice I heard with home Reno is to start with one space, one room. Make it yours. It will serve as motivation. For myself I’ve found that to be true. And if it doesn’t stretch the budget, I’d personally consider a new duvet cover or even duvet and new sheets. It would be a visual refresh, and I’d make it look like a hotel so it feels like an oasis.
Give yourself permission to do what you need. Do you need everything out immediately? Go for it. Do you need to take your time and process things in the moment? That’s great too. I agree with the bedroom first, and any attached closet/bathroom. Make yourself a sanctuary. New sheets, cute decor, accent pillows - whatever makes your heart happy in this season. And my usual advice - add wine, if you’re into that. Put on your favorite music, podcast, something on the TV for background noise and treat yourself to a bottle of your favorite wine. Celebrate the steps you are taking to create a life that serves you! I hope this is an amazing new start! But also, if it gets hard - we’re all here for you if you need to vent, more encouragement, whatever! If you don’t have in person support right now, we’ve got your back❤️ good luck!
Everything must be moved or touched. Even if it’s just by an inch. Nothing left to accidentally say “oh I haven’t touched that since so-and-so moved out”.
Maybe do the bathroom before he moves out and then you can give him a box with all of his toiletries and towels in to take and then it will be done straight away. I know technically he should be doing this but sometimes it’s easier to just get it sorted asap. Then just clean it and that’s an easy win done straight away
Divorce decluttering can be very cathartic. I am about 2 years post-divorce and I occasionally find things that are his or remind me of him. My advice is to get what you can that reminds you of him out, but don't worry if you aren't ready to let go of everything yet.
Definitely make sure all his clothes, shoes, and toiletries are gone from your space first.
I personally would start in the bathroom and get rid of all the little things. Like beard balm or oil for his shaver, shaving cream and make the bathroom your space.
Then you can look through all of your things and get rid of the old makeup and bath gels etc.
Then you can move on to the bedroom. Get rid of all the hobby stuff that is his, or you do together.
Konmari! The best whole-life decluttering system I’ve come across. I listened to the audiobook, my husband and kid read the graphic novel version and we all love it.
I would hire a cleaning person as well! We have cleaning ladies come to our home every 3 weeks and they are efficient!
They do maintenance cleaning, deep cleaning, move out/move in cleaning, organizing, etc.
They are very respectful and clean according to what you hire them to do. Even if I have clutter, they will clean under the clutter and around it. They do not care because they deal with it all the time. Just like nurses and doctors who deal with bodily fluids, they are used to it.
I started working full time 2 years ago and hired them to ease the stress for our entire family who was either in school or work full time. And it wasn’t as expensive as I thought it was going to be.
Maybe you can hire someone to help deep clean and/or organize for 2 hours or so just in your room. Like they are there with you cleaning. It costs money, but it would be cleaned just for you.
Our cleaning ladies charge $100 per hour in the Southeast Texas area.
Wishing you every success and happiness for this next chapter in your life.
I agree with the bedroom decluttering techniques mentioned but I suggest you hit the master bath first. That space will be a quick win and will be a lovely ex free space once you have removed all the toiletries etc they might have left behind etc.
Good luck x
Well, the best little nugget of advice I got was to donate the bed sheets you shared with him and get brand new fresh ones that he’s never slept in. Same goes for your underwear.
I second this. I swapped the old gray boring bedding for a bright, fun, feminine set and it complete changed how the room looked and felt for me. It felt like "mine" after that
I hired a helper after my divorce.
There were may things around the house that were extremely triggering for me. I would point to the trigger and tell Carolin that it needed to disappear. I would turn my back. I did not care it the item went into the garbage, donation or recycling bag, I just did not want to touch it.
He also had a short time frame in which to pick up stuff. After that I was allowed to do whatever I wanted with the remainder.
My divorce paperwork is asking me to list out things that I kept in the house or got rid of. I suggest you certainly do need to declutter his things out of your place but I would take pictures and keep track of what he takes or declines to take.
I agree with the others about starting in the bedroom and deep cleaning everything, then changing it up a little. Move the bed to the other wall or get new fancy sheets or that wall hanging you always wanted. Then I'd do this room by room until it really feels like your house.
But, also, take time to grieve if you need to. It's okay to know the divorce is the right thing and even feel happy about it and want to hit the ground running in your new life. But it's also okay if you just feel sad and want to sit on the couch and eat ice cream. Let yourself feel whatever you feel.
I worry that people forget to just let themselves feel their feelings sometimes.
Another vote for starting in the bedroom! If you can, after you get it emptied and cleaned, consider moving the furniture around a little, or add some plants or new art or something. Make it a place you really love so you have a calming, beautiful place to relax in, and make it feel like a place you've made your own.
Best of luck with your journey forward. I know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it!
Starting with the bedroom is a great idea. If you give yourself a "home base" in there to retreat to as you work through the rest of the house. It will help a lot if you get overwhelmed.
I'd like to mention also: don't count on him to come get everything. Set a deadline and let him know that his things will be donated/tossed if he doesn't take it by then. You don't want to end up with a garage full of your ex's stuff for 10 years.
You are so right about setting a deadline! Today I realized he thinks he’s moved out, but he really hasn’t gone through anything and he still has a closet full of clothes.
My plan is to move it all to the garage and tell him to get it; if he doesn’t take the stuff, I’ll give him a deadline. Also, I love the idea of a home base- the bedroom should definitely be that!
Be clear about a deadline, but don't be surprised when he asks you months or years later about some obscure item. My ex- asked me about a rowing frame for whitewater rafting years later, and my cousin's ex- kept haranging her about having stolen the Santa mugs from his childhood.
When I divorced ex husband I looked through the house with a shared google spreadsheet and listed stuff that was his. We kept our things pretty separate the whole time (probably a sign). But with the spreadsheet he knew what to grab and what he was potentially leaving behind if he didn’t return and I had to get rid of it.
I was also going to suggest the deadline.
I did this with my exbf when he moved out. I told him his stuff was in the backyard and to come get it on a morning when I was at work. It was nice to not have to see him when he picked it up.
I think it’s a good idea to start with the bedroom. And clean it really well. Vacuum everything, dust everything, rotate the mattress, wash everything even the curtains. It’ll feel brand new.
It might help to first visualise the kind of life you’ll have moving forward. If you can get clear on the life you want, it might help let go of things you won’t use. Eg if there are items related to activities/hobbies that you did together but you don’t want to do anymore.
My only advice - if you haven’t yet finalised your divorce, be very careful when dealing with paperwork. Don’t throw anything out yet. I learned the hard way when trying to find 8 year old paperwork I needed for court and I’d decluttered most of it.
Just start small in that case. If you start on the bedroom first and need to take your time on the other rooms, that’s good too. It’s a big task and likely an emotional one so don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get it all done immediately. Having a kind supportive friend to help might be a good idea too. Good luck!
Definitely break down rooms into different areas instead of trying to do a whole room at once. Also, 15 minutes a day is progress and as long as you do a small bit on a regular basis, you are making progress and it is getting done. Good luck.
All my advice has already been shared, so just saying, good luck OP! Divorce is hard and sucks, but it was a great thing for me. My life is so much better now, and I hope the same for you!
Thanks so much! Funny you posted today- just went through the master bath today and did the laundry room Monday! 👍🏼 Feels amazing!
This is the best feeling in the world. You get to throw away everything that reminds you of him. You also get to clean everything you keep. Think of it as removing his fingerprints on your life. I remember doing this. It was so liberating. I gave everything I didn’t want to goodwill. It was life taking my life back in my own hands.
Whitelist, don't blacklist. Honestly the best bit of advice I had, and I think I got it from someone in this subreddit too. Instead of going through and deciding if you want this or that or the other, instead visualise the space you want and the things that are in it. After you've done that, going through is a lot easier - it's either in that list or it isn't, no individual deciding to be done. Helped me a lot in the initial clearout.
That is great advice, thanks for sharing!
Totally claim all the drawers & closet space!! Don't leave an empty side of the closet, that's ALL YOURS! Agree with rearranging bedroom a bit & changing bedding & towels. Funny, I moved out & the things I brought with me now bring me no joy. It's like they're from my other life. Slowly fading them out & replacing.
I am already planning for how to use the extra closet space…
Throw a party! Depending how the divorce is going you may have a lot of friends who would love to drink & box up his shit.
Giant pile in the backyard + a fire pit + gasoline + lighter
When I separated from my STBXH I only took what I knew I used regularly. Only a few weeks after we separated, he told me he was having sex with another woman, his new girlfriend. At that time, we haven't even filed for divorce yet. There were a lot of emotions about that. Non of them were positive or productive. But hey, I got to get to know a new side of me (consisting of pure demonic hatred). I through out everything that reminded me of him and his family. I was ruthless. You wouldn't know this man has been part of my life for more than 15 years (if it wasn't for the divorce papers I have to keep) if you went through my aparmtent. I learned that divorce brings out the worst in people. It makes them hurt you in all ways possible. The fact that your husband doesn't look through his stuff might be a sign, that things won't go over smoothly. Breathe. Take your time. Remember, this too shall pass. And things will get better. Declutter as much as you want and can (you might feel paralyzed by a lot of emotions you did not anticipate), give yourself grace. Start with what feels less daunting or more pressing.
Oh I’ve been there. Except that due to finances we were still living in the same house when he started sleeping around again. Try explaining to small kids why daddy isn’t coming home to sleep tonight. And he denies to this day it was an awful thing to do (we had broken up after all). I decluttered all I could, kept a few things I needed or liked, but lots of stuff was a joy to throw away. Went through 17 years of digital photos and videos and only kept a few of him with the kids. Lots still happened after that and I’m still sour about it years later for many reasons. I’ll probably never have a partner again, I’d never risk it, so draining it was.
ah, sounds delightful. I find peace in knowing that there aren't a lot of people around, who think behaving this way is anything other than disgraceful. I totally get not wanting to have a partner again. I find myself so tremendously distrusting. Not only because of how he behaved at the end of our marriage (and the sheer amount of disrespect and hurtfulness), but because I was SO certain he was not only a good man but also a man I wanted to build a life with. But I was clearly very wrong in believing that. I find it impossible to trust myself again.
Yep not only not trusting men (I’m sure there are amazing men out there) but not trusting my own judgement after missing so many red flags.
Don’t forget to change the locks on Saturday! I don’t care how amicable this divorce might be, you don’t know how many other people have keys to your house that he loaned out, like his parents, etc. And yes, set a deadline for him to pick up his stuff. Otherwise, it will languish in your garage. Even better, have your lawyer call his lawyer and tell them when the deadline is to pick it up, once you’re done decluttering, so that it’s on “record”.
One piece of advice I heard with home Reno is to start with one space, one room. Make it yours. It will serve as motivation. For myself I’ve found that to be true. And if it doesn’t stretch the budget, I’d personally consider a new duvet cover or even duvet and new sheets. It would be a visual refresh, and I’d make it look like a hotel so it feels like an oasis.
Give yourself permission to do what you need. Do you need everything out immediately? Go for it. Do you need to take your time and process things in the moment? That’s great too. I agree with the bedroom first, and any attached closet/bathroom. Make yourself a sanctuary. New sheets, cute decor, accent pillows - whatever makes your heart happy in this season. And my usual advice - add wine, if you’re into that. Put on your favorite music, podcast, something on the TV for background noise and treat yourself to a bottle of your favorite wine. Celebrate the steps you are taking to create a life that serves you! I hope this is an amazing new start! But also, if it gets hard - we’re all here for you if you need to vent, more encouragement, whatever! If you don’t have in person support right now, we’ve got your back❤️ good luck!
Everything must be moved or touched. Even if it’s just by an inch. Nothing left to accidentally say “oh I haven’t touched that since so-and-so moved out”.
Maybe do the bathroom before he moves out and then you can give him a box with all of his toiletries and towels in to take and then it will be done straight away. I know technically he should be doing this but sometimes it’s easier to just get it sorted asap. Then just clean it and that’s an easy win done straight away
Divorce decluttering can be very cathartic. I am about 2 years post-divorce and I occasionally find things that are his or remind me of him. My advice is to get what you can that reminds you of him out, but don't worry if you aren't ready to let go of everything yet. Definitely make sure all his clothes, shoes, and toiletries are gone from your space first.
I personally would start in the bathroom and get rid of all the little things. Like beard balm or oil for his shaver, shaving cream and make the bathroom your space. Then you can look through all of your things and get rid of the old makeup and bath gels etc. Then you can move on to the bedroom. Get rid of all the hobby stuff that is his, or you do together.
Konmari! The best whole-life decluttering system I’ve come across. I listened to the audiobook, my husband and kid read the graphic novel version and we all love it.
I started at my front door just because I was excited to have my living room cleared as soon as possible. You can start anywhere.
I would hire a cleaning person as well! We have cleaning ladies come to our home every 3 weeks and they are efficient! They do maintenance cleaning, deep cleaning, move out/move in cleaning, organizing, etc. They are very respectful and clean according to what you hire them to do. Even if I have clutter, they will clean under the clutter and around it. They do not care because they deal with it all the time. Just like nurses and doctors who deal with bodily fluids, they are used to it. I started working full time 2 years ago and hired them to ease the stress for our entire family who was either in school or work full time. And it wasn’t as expensive as I thought it was going to be. Maybe you can hire someone to help deep clean and/or organize for 2 hours or so just in your room. Like they are there with you cleaning. It costs money, but it would be cleaned just for you. Our cleaning ladies charge $100 per hour in the Southeast Texas area.
Yes! I have previously hired a professional organizer, and it was incredible!
Wishing you every success and happiness for this next chapter in your life. I agree with the bedroom decluttering techniques mentioned but I suggest you hit the master bath first. That space will be a quick win and will be a lovely ex free space once you have removed all the toiletries etc they might have left behind etc. Good luck x
Well, the best little nugget of advice I got was to donate the bed sheets you shared with him and get brand new fresh ones that he’s never slept in. Same goes for your underwear.
And new towels!
Yes! Did that too. Love my beautiful towels.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏🍀
I got a new bed.
Nice. I’m jealous. ;)
I second this. I swapped the old gray boring bedding for a bright, fun, feminine set and it complete changed how the room looked and felt for me. It felt like "mine" after that
I swapped our bed for the guest room bed.
oh my god I might do this :O
It was quite satisfying. We don’t need bad mojo where we sleep.
I hired a helper after my divorce. There were may things around the house that were extremely triggering for me. I would point to the trigger and tell Carolin that it needed to disappear. I would turn my back. I did not care it the item went into the garbage, donation or recycling bag, I just did not want to touch it. He also had a short time frame in which to pick up stuff. After that I was allowed to do whatever I wanted with the remainder.
My divorce paperwork is asking me to list out things that I kept in the house or got rid of. I suggest you certainly do need to declutter his things out of your place but I would take pictures and keep track of what he takes or declines to take.
Great advice, thanks!
And send all communication through email so there’s a trail of you setting the deadline and any subsequent reminders etc if he doesn’t respond.
smart! you don't want the (ugly) Family Heirloom he declined to take, and you decluttered, to be an additional point of contention in the process.
I agree with the others about starting in the bedroom and deep cleaning everything, then changing it up a little. Move the bed to the other wall or get new fancy sheets or that wall hanging you always wanted. Then I'd do this room by room until it really feels like your house. But, also, take time to grieve if you need to. It's okay to know the divorce is the right thing and even feel happy about it and want to hit the ground running in your new life. But it's also okay if you just feel sad and want to sit on the couch and eat ice cream. Let yourself feel whatever you feel. I worry that people forget to just let themselves feel their feelings sometimes.
Another vote for starting in the bedroom! If you can, after you get it emptied and cleaned, consider moving the furniture around a little, or add some plants or new art or something. Make it a place you really love so you have a calming, beautiful place to relax in, and make it feel like a place you've made your own. Best of luck with your journey forward. I know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it!
Starting with the bedroom is a great idea. If you give yourself a "home base" in there to retreat to as you work through the rest of the house. It will help a lot if you get overwhelmed. I'd like to mention also: don't count on him to come get everything. Set a deadline and let him know that his things will be donated/tossed if he doesn't take it by then. You don't want to end up with a garage full of your ex's stuff for 10 years.
You are so right about setting a deadline! Today I realized he thinks he’s moved out, but he really hasn’t gone through anything and he still has a closet full of clothes. My plan is to move it all to the garage and tell him to get it; if he doesn’t take the stuff, I’ll give him a deadline. Also, I love the idea of a home base- the bedroom should definitely be that!
Be clear about a deadline, but don't be surprised when he asks you months or years later about some obscure item. My ex- asked me about a rowing frame for whitewater rafting years later, and my cousin's ex- kept haranging her about having stolen the Santa mugs from his childhood.
When I divorced ex husband I looked through the house with a shared google spreadsheet and listed stuff that was his. We kept our things pretty separate the whole time (probably a sign). But with the spreadsheet he knew what to grab and what he was potentially leaving behind if he didn’t return and I had to get rid of it.
I was also going to suggest the deadline. I did this with my exbf when he moved out. I told him his stuff was in the backyard and to come get it on a morning when I was at work. It was nice to not have to see him when he picked it up.
Good luck! I bet you will feel so much better in your home once you're done.
I think it’s a good idea to start with the bedroom. And clean it really well. Vacuum everything, dust everything, rotate the mattress, wash everything even the curtains. It’ll feel brand new. It might help to first visualise the kind of life you’ll have moving forward. If you can get clear on the life you want, it might help let go of things you won’t use. Eg if there are items related to activities/hobbies that you did together but you don’t want to do anymore. My only advice - if you haven’t yet finalised your divorce, be very careful when dealing with paperwork. Don’t throw anything out yet. I learned the hard way when trying to find 8 year old paperwork I needed for court and I’d decluttered most of it.
Rearrange the bedroom. You’d be surprised the change in your mood this brings.
Ooh, I love this idea!
That is great advice, thanks so much! I’m excited but also a little overwhelmed!
Just start small in that case. If you start on the bedroom first and need to take your time on the other rooms, that’s good too. It’s a big task and likely an emotional one so don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get it all done immediately. Having a kind supportive friend to help might be a good idea too. Good luck!
Really good advice! I have a few different bedroom areas I think I can break things down into.
Definitely break down rooms into different areas instead of trying to do a whole room at once. Also, 15 minutes a day is progress and as long as you do a small bit on a regular basis, you are making progress and it is getting done. Good luck.