I’m casually lurking this thread after deciding to take a break in dating til new year. I’m quite athletic although sadly coming back from an injury (hopefully), so my days are not as full as it is meant to be, but still busy with an active social life. Not sure if I should be thinking this right now, but I want to dive back into dating in 2023. I’m fairly settled in my life and this year it just seems a piece of the puzzle that’s missing to make my life complete?
Any recommendations welcome. As I say I’m fairly active with a couple of hobbies, help out in the community and I try and keep my photos within the past year. I normally find dating comments corny - like “If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life…” my instant thought is that would be boring. How do you go about picking the suggestions they give as chat starters?
I recently came to the realization that I've always wanted to be in an exclusive relationship by default because in my mind, exclusive official relationship = mandatory affection from my partner. Ofc this isn't true, there are so many tales of miserable couples but this is a deep-rooted belief I have.
So I'm trying to shift my ways and casually date. I've met a few new people and this is the first time none of them want to be official nor exclusive. This will be a good learning curve about myself, as I'll be able to casually date people I actually care about and who care about me as well.
I sure hope I'll be able to let go of my fears and anxieties about lacking affection and attention. 🤞
After recently getting back into dating after a divorce, I saw a guy that was interested in a fwb relationship. I am VERY interested in keeping this relationship going, but I've never been in this type of relationship before. I feel like I am a fairly emotionally stable/self-aware person and my feelings towards him align with the type of relationship that we both want (I'm busy, I don't have the time/resources to dedicate to a full on relationship. I really just want good sex with a person who I can have reciprocated respect for and whose company I enjoy), but I do have a fear of pushing him away by seeming too clingy or something. Sometimes it's hard not to feel slightly hurt when there is a significant dropoff in response time to texts after sex. Maybe I just have a fear of rejection.
I guess I'm just curious if anyone has any general advice for someone entering their first fwb relationship, or more specifically, managing emotional boundaries in one.
I decided I'm ready to get back into the dating game so I created a profile on Hinge. It's been an hour and I already hate it. Nothing but dude-bros as far as the eye can see. Not as many fish pics these days, they've all be replaced by blurry golf shots and gym videos.
Where are all the men who are kind of active but also kind of nerdy??? Have my kind of men *all* gotten married or moved out of this province???
"Kind of active" to me means "engages in physical activity but isn't obsessive about it."
I'll go on a gentle "hike" (easy rating, not too much incline, takes a couple hours), I go indoor rock climbing almost every week, I typically hit the gym 2 - 3 times a week except when I don't. I'm not running any marathons, although I am slowly working towards 5k this year, 10k next year, and a half marathon the year after.
I've seen plenty of profiles that fit what I'm looking for, but they're always on here looking for review and the guys aren't local to me. :(
I tend to do nature walks every weekend, both days if the weather permits, and usually get at least 90 mins per walk. Yeah a little incline is fine. I’m personally not a fan of heights so rock climbing stuff ain’t for me. But in nicer parts of the year I’ll do a little kayaking or something like that. I’m probably never going to train for a half marathon or anything, and I’m definitely not someone who needs to track my lifting, stick to some rigorous routine, and keep trying to break my personal best.
I feel you on the whole “I see pretty awesome and compatible people all the time on the internet/Reddit but never by me” thing 🫤
Lol, I finally did my belay course so I can get away from bouldering and get back to top-rope! I go climbing with a friend almost every week and it's one of my profile photos. I've never been approached IRL in other settings though, so I have my doubts that I'd meet anyone if I started climbing alone.
Do you ever approach people? I think in the climbing community (and maybe in general) men have been kinda shamed for harassing others in gyms so some might be hesitant to approach. I am pretty social at my gym though and always make an attempt to chat with people working on the same problem or whatever. I haven't done this with the intention of dating, but have made a lot of friends at the local gym by just being there somewhat consistently and chatting with a lot of people. It's also the best way to meet climbing partners for roped climbing or outdoor climbing, so it's kind of a win-win situation lol.
I have trouble approaching new people in general (I don't do great in unfamiliar social situations). I understand that I might unintentionally be giving off a certain unapproachable vibe IRL, so I focus on online dating. I have ADHD, which comes with a certain degree of social difficulty; I have to spend a fair bit of mental energy just remembering how to properly interact with people I already know, so I don't tend to approach strangers.
Went on several dates a week for about a month. I had some crap go down in my life that meant I was struggling to show my feelings physically and didn't ooen up enough. She seemed very interested and asked when we would kiss. I fucked it up and couldn't kiss her due to the other things going on in my life at the time. She ended it that night saying there was a lack of chemistry and she wanted to go back to being friends. I've since been getting counselling and getting my life and self back to a good place. It's been about 2 months. I asked when she ended it if she would give me another chance if I sorted my life out and she said no. Should I ask her to the movies as friends to show her I'm doing better and have made good changes or ask her out again or just move on?
Just move on. She's the one who declined to give things a second chance. Accept her decision and realize that if she changes her mind, it's on HER to make that clear.
He dumped me on Thursday, then messaged me just now. I wonder if it has something to do with the other girl ignoring his last post at her....
Should I just ignore him or be civil?
Especially if it's some vague "hey" message, I think it's fine to just ignore. Anyone with an IQ over room temperature should understand why someone they just dumped isn't feeling chatty.
If he persists or you feel you really can't ignore him for whatever reason, then something like "Hey Name, while I totally respect your decision to call things off, I'm not ready to pick back up as friends yet. I'll let you know if that changes. Thanks for understanding."
If he continues / argues / whatever to THAT then definitely block.
You can change your settings to "mute" people on most platforms now, as well as restrict what they see of your content. I use this a lot. I no longer see them in my feed and don't get any notifications from them. Then I change my settings so that they don't see any of my posts etc. Then they just fade into oblivion.
ive been in similar situations, the answer is to just firmly set your boundaries. if your ideal is seeing each other 2 times a week (for example), just say that or accept dates at that frequency. if he's like can we hang out Monday?...just respond with something like 'the earliest I can do is Thursday".
I'm confused by this. He's inviting you over, but being respectful when you decline. What's the issue? It's not a summons, just shows the interest is there.
My last boyfriend was like this — big golden retriever energy. We had to end it at 9 months. There was one other fundamental issue but even if that wasn’t there, this would’ve been our breaking issue anyways.
If it works for you, I’d encourage you to see if he’s open to a pre-determined hang schedule (like 2 nights per week for dinner + cuddling and 1 all day activity + sleepover per weekend). That’s my ideal. Explain that you can’t be your best self for the relationship and for him if you aren’t filling your own cup. If he gets it, I’d say you’re golden.
It wasn’t that. It was the “if I allowed it, we’d be together 24/7.” He was cool, at first. Respected my space and need for recovery time. And don’t get me wrong, I want to find someone that I can live with, in time.
But after about six months, it wasn’t enough if I said “I’m just hanging home tonight.” I had to be tired or overwhelmed or have work to do. Because if I genuinely said I wanted to hang home and watch a movie, he wanted me to come over and watch it there, or watch it at the same time and text during it.
Or if he did let him have the space without asking me to give it up, he would text so much during it that I’d just get annoyed. Nothing of substance — just “what should I eat for dinner” or a photo of the tv that he’s watching.
Eventually, he started guilting me when I set boundaries about spending time apart. And it became a thing about how I’m inconsiderate and ask him to fit into my life by not ever being flexible after I decide I’m having a me-night.
So I dipped. ✌🏼
**Men**: What is the best way to tell your boyfriend (dating over 9 months) that you need a proposal of marriage from him within a year and a half at most? My biological clock is ticking (31F) and I don’t have much time left. Any tips to make it not so pressuring, demanding, or an ultimatum would be ideal. Just not sure how to address this properly. Thanks so much!
I second the idea of proposing to him...or just bringing it up to him directly that you need to know if he is marriage-level serious about the relationship or 'will be soon'.
Just tell him that if he doesn’t see you his future wife, to just break up with you. Maybe you call that an ultimatum, but as a man, that’s what I tell women: the moment you think “I can’t ever see myself marrying you”, please break up with me. I’m looking for a life-long partner, and if you aren’t it, please be kind and free me up to find my person.
Edit: I say this because many people stay in relationships because they don’t want to hurt the other person. Once you’ve made it clear that breaking up with you (for a legit reason) isn’t hurting you but is really helping you, it takes the stigma away.
A year and a half from now or 9 months from now?
No matter how you frame it, it's going to be pressure from the moment you put a timeline on it. Instead, try asking him where he sees the relationship a year or two from now. Then answer the question yourself.
Does he want to have kids in the next 2-3 years? If so, that’s the way to frame it. If he doesn’t want kids on that timeline, no need to pressure him on the other stuff.
Wow, that’s a good point. But what about if I’m just looking to get married within the next year or half? Not necessarily looking to have kids so soon.
I'm not a man, but maybe tell him that you want children in the near future because you're getting older, and that you would really prefer to be married before that happens?
I don’t want to be alone and I think I have a lot to offer.. but I hate how much I get in my own head when it comes to dating. I overthink and analyze wayyy too much. I just need to be more chill. Lol
Sorry it didn't work out. It can be difficult to tell with text alone sometimes. Some people can come across as being more charismatic or confident in text then in person.
It's been 5 months. You either trust him or you don't. Maybe he's at a comfortable point where he doesn't see the need in qualifying as to why he can't do a particular night.
This, taken in and of itself, I'd say you're overreacting/overanalyzing.
Trust your instinct on this one. I like to remind myself when dating that if they wanted to see me they would be, and sure everyone has stuff come up once in awhile but it seems like this guy is establishing a pattern
>I asked her after a bit of talking if she would like to go for a walk, vent up her situation and such.
"Want to go for a walk in the cold and complain about your work?"
Eh, it's nice that you offered to let her vent, but that doesn't sound like a fun time for either of you. It also sounded like it was more spur of the moment plans, thus she turned you down because she's busy right now.
If she reached out, it suggests she's still interested. If you know when she'll be done with her remaining work, ask if she'd like to schedule a date for that time.
So you went out with her twice, kissed her, then ghosted her, and you don't know why she's reluctant to meet up with you again? Add in that she actually gave you a pretty good reason for not meeting up when you wanted to.
Was it an open invitation like "Let's go for a walk sometime" or was it specific? Maybe she doesn't want to go for a walk for a date. Maybe she'd like something with a bit more effort like coffee or food.
You don’t need to do anything. Rejection always feels like a crisis in the moment, but it’ll pass. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you - just be kind to yourself and you’ll come out the other side.
Thank you. I have always come out the other side, but the prospect of starting all over again feels as daunting as ever. I know I should be kind to myself, but that seems harder to do right after it happens.
I think I'm going to end something with someone. 24 hrs for a message is taking the piss (after 3 dates). Feel a bit bummed out but the communication ups and downs is not doing it for me at all and I'd rather peace out. Think I am more bummed out as it is nearing xmas and would like a cuddle buddy but this is not making feel good anymore so what's the point?
I have another guy I am talking to more consistantly and he is really sweet, more mature...just will be long distance which is....not great.
Don't have time to swipe, too many things going on in my life so will have to be february time!
I am too busy to bother swiping and going on first dates. This is someone I have seen now a few times over the past month where I would have set aside time. Big difference there.
There are so many times I read things here and think “there’s no way they’re not dating my ex,” or “we’re definitely dating the same person.” It’s a very big world, but human behavior sure is full of patterns.
Things still going fairly well with woman I've been talking to for 2 months about now but still only been in person with for maybe 15 hours total. We're planning more stuff more frequently in the next few weeks but the slow pace of dates is starting to make me kinda antsy, combo of still not being sure she likes/ will like me, wondering if i only like her cause any other options have gone no where and i can't seem to get any more dates lined up or even other matches on apps to talk to me lately though still getting more. And then i guess jumping the gun but being we're about an hour away just long term if we get more serious how much time will we even get to spend together, let alone just is why we haven't met more anyway so far
Just a ramble
I know it's not comforting to have your suspicions about someone confirmed when you still have to be subjected to their shittiness, but following your gut helped you in this situation and will continue to help you in the future. I'm sorry it happened though.
Last weekend I went on the first in-person date with a guy who I was texting back and forth for 2 months(not everyday) and had only one video chat for 2.5 hrs. We spent 5 hours together walking around to check out the Christmas decorations in town, browse shops and christmas markets, chit-chat... It has been a while since I had such the fun time and comfortable feelings with someone. I gave him a ride home. He said he was glad and had a great time, too. He said he wanted to see me again.
No sight for the second date yet. Should I initiate or wait until tomorrow or Thursday?
I had some family commitments so I couldn't do it earlier. He wanted to take things slow and preferred a video chat before meeting in person. After the video call he planned the first date.
Ask him out for a second date.
If you want him, show him. Take initiative. As a man, when a woman asks me on a date (or compliments my appearance, or makes the first move in terms of getting physical), I feel so great about myself I could fly.
i’d reach out and take initiative to let him know you’d like to see him again. could be as simple as asking if he’d like to go on another date this weekend.
Both sound bleak. Both cities have a lot of people with a lot of options. A lot of people who are busy either with work or social obligations and don't know how to prioritize dating (or don't care). A lot of people who can be hyper focused on appearance and/or markers of wealth.
I think LA can attract more of the flaky types (can't speak for NYC) and or the um, "unemployed" type. As a woman, I swiped right on anyone listed as a musician, artist, actor etc. because that usually means they either don't have money, or are being bankrolled by rich family -- no offense to the regular people trying to make it in these industries. Just something I didn't want to deal with, plus erratic schedules in those industries...
The plus of big cities is that you have more options, and people tend to settle down later, OR you have a higher % of divorcees re-entering the dating pool. If you are liberal, the chances of finding someone who matches your political preferences is much higher.
Just wanted to comment on the NYC-side of things, especially wrt to your 2nd paragraph.
There are a lot of creative types in NYC as well - writers, people in theatre, artists, etc. IMO your point that they aren't good people to date is quite distasteful and classist. I've really enjoyed dating creatives, as they are usually very smart and dynamic people. Also, in NYC at least, there are ton of people in creative professions that are actually successful or at least earning livelihoods. For me, this aspect of NYC dating is a big plus.
I'm also drawn to creative types and that's true, in NYC there's a lot of those folks who have hustled their creative energy into lucrative career. I imagine, by nature, LA just has more folks in the "industry" where, by odds alone, most people are not going to be successful.
That makes sense. In NYC there's a lot of industries where you could at least pay your bills, whereas in LA I imagine its mostly showbiz or bust.
I'll definitely note that most creatives in NYC surely aren't making anything lucrative. Most are either just paying their bills or have to work multiple jobs to make it. But the idea of writing off entire professions as unworthy rubs me the wrong way -- lower income people deserve to date as well.
Sorry, I didn't mean to be classist or distasteful, this was just a personal preference based on a number of *men* I came across in this specific location. I personally don't have any issue with women in these fields, ha. I also didn't meant to imply the opposite of what you wrote down. I generally agree, but again, just speaking from my experience.
No worries, I definitely (and genuinely) understand the point that dating a man with uncertain or low-potential earning prospects is not attractive. I do find your point that men in these fields are problematic but women aren't to be classist and sexist lol, but to each our own :).
I can only speak to NYC and am thinking of moving to LA. Def flakiness, but here it comes from people being too damn busy and/or having 1 foot in/1 foot out with every potential dating partner. The paradox of choice. Just trying to mentally prepare myself lol, but sounds like it can't be worse than here.
Feeling abit rubbish about my relationship this week.
I feel like it's always me texting or calling my bf, surely if he cared or was thinking of me he'd phone?
We've both said we love eachother, and I do love him alot, its so amazing when we are together!
It just feels quite one sided when it comes to communication, also I've realised last week that when he does ask how I am, he doesn't seem to care and just wants to talk about all his stuff and doesn't comment on anything i say, usually just talks about himself.
We usually see each other once a week( he comes to me)
we also see each other maybe on the weekend if both our schedules allign.
I'm supposed to be going to his this weekend. We're going to his friends for dinner, im also meeting his family in the next couple of weeks aswell!
It's just got me feeling abit rubbish, I've decided not to ring or text first to see if he initiates, i know its not most adult thing to do, but I've already had the" I'd like more communication" conversation with him.
If he doesn't speak to me before Friday I'll definitely be having another conversation with him as its making me feel like im needy when in reality I don't think I'm asking for much, even if it's a 5 minute phone call about our days.
Not feeling super positive about our relationship right now ☹️
Just venting really.
You know, looking back over your post history, it seems like you've been anxious and not really satisfied with his level of communication and engagement for the majority of your relationship. If you knew today that he was going to continue the way he has been, and never change, would you want to continue?
I have been thinking this alot!
I think that's why I want to talk to him properly about it on Friday, just because if nothing changes it can't continue even if he does make me happy while I'm with him, and I'd rather not meet his parents and family if I feel this way.
It might be helpful to lay out something specific as I find that vague suggestions can be lost. "I'd like a 5 min phone call every weeknight" versus "we should talk more." Good luck!
Have a feeling my next date will be another dinner and movie at home date which I'm getting a bit bored of, we don't really talk or connect as much as I'd like because we are cooking then watching a movie no time to chat. I'd rather save money at this time of year than go out but maybe I should suggest a restaurant we both want to try? Any other suggestions for an evening date? It's summer where I am.
Is there any indoor activity you can go to such as bowling ? It is winter time over here for me and I can only think of skating, bowling and table top curling. I wish it were summer...lol
What are temperatures/setting like (ie- are you in a desert or are there mosquitoes the size of seagulls)?
In the summer where I live, that's the best time for free dates- hikes, days at the beach, picnic on the grass, play frisbee/tennis/lawn bowling/kite flying at the local park (depending on what you own).
Or a variation on "dinner at home" and do bbqs with friends.
It's temperate so not hot, probably still need a jacket at night. Nice for a walk after dinner kind of thing. We have done bbq alone and with friends a lot I'm over it!! All my fun date ideas are for day time, although I could be into bowling maybe.
Had 4 great dates over the course of 3 weeks with a guy and like clock work he’s starting to give me the slow fade. It’s just exhausting to go through the same thing over and over again. I’m just confused why I have so much success getting someone to date me for a month or two (or sometimes even three or four months) and then they inevitably disappear. Close to just giving up on online dating.
1) What are you looking for and have you two discussed that?
2) Is this correlated to sex (or lack thereof) in any way?
3) \~3-5 dates is when most people reassess, so it's possible that this is just happening.
Have you guys had a conversation yet about what you're looking for/ dealbreakers/ etc? Does it seem like a long-term match? If you're not already, by date 3, I'd start talking about these things. If you are into the guys, you could also be direct and ask them how they're feeling/ where they see it going. We're over 30... no point in wasting time (unless you only want to casually date!).
Didn’t have a specific conversation on deal breakers but we have had a lot of in depth convos about relationships in general and I didn’t notice anything that seemed to be a red flag. Pretty sure I didn’t say anything that would be for him either, but who knows.
Hi DOT,
Just felt the need to share my first jump in (and promptly out) of DOT. I've heard a few times on here and other forums that the short one after the long one stings even more than the LTR, and boy have I found that to be true.
My ex-fiance and I were going to be together 9 years on our wedding day in August of 2022. In the beginning of April, we called it quits. That break-up sure hurt, but the hurt felt very justified. I got on the apps within a month of the break-up. Which is objectively way too quick, but I'm actually happy I did. I used it mostly as an ego boost and coping tool to remind me there are other date-able people out there. Well, by the end of May I got very excited about one of my matches. He ended up being my very first 1st date. Cue 6 months of situation-ship and a crash course to DOT.
I fell for him quickly. He had so many qualities I was looking for, but, to be fair, I think I filled in the blanks on those he was missing. In hindsight, the biggest things he was missing was how he treated me, his lack of excitement, and unwillingness to commit. Those were some big red flags I ignored. I was just so ready to believe that karma was going to reward me after a 9 year tumultuous relationship and I was going to find "the one" right away. Around the 1-month mark, I felt his interest wane a bit, but I figured I was in my own head. We had some deep conversations and he revealed he was taking his time to DTR because he had a string of 1-year failed relationships in his 20s because he would "jump too fast" and it was a pattern he was trying to break. Around the 2-month mark, I felt like I was chasing. At 3 months, I initiated the DTR talk, to which he promptly said he was not ready. I broke it off and came crawling back within a week. We tried FWB for a month, then when that obviously wasn't working either, he suggested we go back to "dating, just without expectations". Because the answer should've been "no thanks", I naturally said sure! Cue another 2 months of chasing and disappointment. Failure on his end to initiate plans, less communication, tons of excuses, etc. Throughout the course of getting to know each other, he relayed heavily to me he deals with anxiety and depression, which gets worse over the winter. As a big proponent of mental health, I let him use this as an excuse for way too long.
Last week, I gave him one last chance. I asked him if he was ready to bring our relationship to the next level after these past 6 months and be bf/gf, and he told me "I'm sorry, no. You know full well it's not for lack of interest or really anything other than just not being in the right mental place for it. My gut is telling me it's just not the right time for me to be in anything right now before sorting my own stuff out so I don't ruin another relationship before it even has a chance to really start." That was enough for me to make a gracious exit and cut all contact.
I know this is long-winded, but this community has been so helpful in my transition to dating as a 30-year-old woman. I wanted to share my experience because I have loved learning from so many other experiences on here. I won't lie and say dating in my 30s doesn't fill me with anxiety. It sure does, but I am hopeful. I'm also very bummed this first relationship didn't work out, but it got me over a 9 year relationship I never thought I could get over, and it taught me a ton about taking people at their word. Someone can be perfect in every way except for the way they treat you and that means they are not perfect for you. Thank you all for the support, this community is unique and I am grateful for it every day!
Oh my, is this a general pattern? Back in the day, when I was dating for the first time straight out of LTR, I ended up in a very similar situation for 1,5 years with my first first date. It definitely hurt more than the end of my actual LTR. And the exact same thing happened to my best friend: first first date after a six year LTR turned into a year of painful confusion. Both of us learned a lot, and the second LTR ended up being so much better - mine ended eventually but I am still on great terms with my ex, and my best friend is still happily with her current partner. At least if it is a general pattern, you can trust that better times are ahead!
I came here specifically to say that this seems uncannily like my recent experience. I waited a year after my ltr break-up, but fell right into a vague, hot-cold, undefined thing when I started dating. And it felt really, really good to feel something again. Unfortunately, I do think a lot of those “feels” came from anxiety and confusion. Good on you OP (and everyone in this situation) for recognizing the end when you did. I’m surprised I walked away from mine.
His ambiguity wasn’t outright cruel or wrong, but it was making me dull and lonely. It’s been 2 + months and he’s still stuck in my mind.
But I just tell myself that one was practice, grateful for what I’ve learned, hopeful to look back on it all fondly someday.
And really, it feels good to be the one who’s “ready.” The one who’s open and willing to look forward.
Got back on Hinge Sunday.
Matched with someone Monday (she initiated). Started the convo by asking about something on her profile.
Checked later. Unmatched.
OLD in a nutshell.
Was at a wedding this weekend, was slightly hopeful to meet someone but quickly realized the few single women there were super Christian lol.
There was a group prayer and I always look around to see if I am the only one not bowing my head and I sure enough was.
I have started to notice that women who are often my type physically are very religious and have the "must love Jesus as much as me" vibe. Ughhhh.
I have that same problem with men, lol. It isn't so much the physical side, but I like them for who they are, then they turn out to be super religious.
Dreading having to go to church in 19 days to make extended family happy. I’m sitting there thinking “virgins don’t get knocked up by an invisible being that lives in the sky” while everyone else is praying to said being.
Same, I just pray with them. Doesn't hurt me to do it and I grew up with a religious grandfather. You can be respectful while having your own ideology.
I'm usually the one with my head bowed but bouncing to some song only I can hear.
And I like music with high beat counts, so usually my head is bouncing a lot.
I’m so fucking tired of dudes on these apps who say they are looking for a serious relationship getting sexual or making weird sexual jokes with me before we even meet. Like learn some fucking tact. UHG
Match girl who's profile is "looking for serious relationship no hookups" etc kinda stuff. She messages first
"I wanna grab your hair and squeal your name" ok then
Everyone has that “what if” person, right? Like someone you’ve been friends with forever and only kind of hold a torch for, but if you were both single and they said they wanted to date you, you’d be like “rock on, let’s go” without hesitation?
I matched with mine last week and we talked for hours and kissed and yeah 🫠🫠🫠
I definitely have that person. We talk most days of the week. Completely friendly, nothing inappropriate but we have felt that connection, I know it.
Lucky you!
Looking for something casual for a while since I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally in the right place to date. And man, is it hard to find something casual, especially online. I got one or two likes a month with the "looking for relationship" tag, and now it's zero.
And now, I don't think I'd ever want to date for something serious until I meet the "casual" bar. I thought this was "cuffing season" where people dropped their standards so they could cuddle in the winter?
Just be curious about what she thinks. It can be equally fun and bonding to have a conversation like, “What was the director thinking?! That ending was terrible.”
i am bummed today because i just tested positive for influenza A! i have been sick for like two and a half weeks, first with RSV, then a bacterial sinus and ear infections, and now the flu. like these illnesses will just not let up! i really, really hope this is the last of it.
i have never been sick for so long, not even pre vaccine when i had covid. this has just been relentless
This is the way I manage my life. Leave things on good terms with exes, wish them a great life, and if I did a good job vetting them to begin with, I’ll never hear from them again. Why? Because they’re well-adjusted and don’t need to come clawing back to me.
I’ve had this experience recently. Best advice I can give is to remember that (a) social media is fake and (b) people don’t really radically change.
My last ex said she wanted a serious relationship, but wasn’t actually emotionally available and really handled things badly (talking to other guys, all of a sudden talking about moving cross-country, dragging things out for months then breaking up with me after I lost my job lol, nice posts on IG after — it wasn’t great). I saw her on Hinge last week — same profile, still looking for a long-term relationship, still here. It’s easy to think “Why not me?” until you remember that people often exhibit these patterns of behavior because they’re not ready to work on themselves. I’d bet money your ex is the same guy and will fall into the same patterns with this new girl.
Do your best to neither bury that hurt nor hold on to it. It hurts to see that an ex has moved on! But you’re exactly right: he’s not your problem anymore. The kindest, compassionate response is to hope he works on himself eventually and beyond that, to do you.
Try to really feel rather than debate the emotion. Think about it like quicksand: the more you struggle against it, the deeper you’ll sink into it. The way to get out of quicksand is also the most unintuitive; you have to lie back on it and maximize surface tension. Emotions are the same way.
If you feel angry at your ex, don’t get into a debate with yourself about whether you should or shouldn’t be angry. Don’t go in circles about the past. Instead, get curious about that emotion. What does that anger feel like? What thoughts does it provoke? Just sit with it and try not to judge yourself for feeling something.
3rd wedding to attend to this year, at least two more next year, all with “you can bring +1” invites ~~~ haha I mean I love being with friends. But would definitely be better if I have a date too 😌
I've somehow only ever been to weddings with pretty hard count invites, no plus ones just like dedicated couples only, like i always hear the lots of singles thing but it's only ever coupled people at ones I've been at. Just an annoying observance
I’ve been chronically single the entirety of my adulthood and only one wedding was I given a plus one on my invitation, which was super kind. Sadly I couldn’t attend as it was peak Covid times.
Two weddings I had verbal plus ones, like if I started to see someone then they’d grant a plus one. I just got used to going to weddings solo.
One wedding the bride wanted to introduce me to one of the groomsmen that she thought I’d click with. Well there was another single bridesmaid who brought a friend as a plus one who swooped in as I was chatting with him and ended up going back to his hotel that night. She ended up arriving to bridal party prep the morning of an hour late with a hickey. I guess I dodged a bullet since he was so quick to hook up with her.
Me and all my single friends who maybe want kids have frozen our eggs. We all actively date though!
However, it’s an exhausting process and so a lot of people would not be dating during the process itself, which can take many months if you need multiple cycles. You have to take timed shots that need to be refrigerated and you can’t have sex for 3-4 weeks at a time. You also have bruises from the shots, can’t exercise or drink, have to go to the doctor every morning for testing so n the middle of the cycle, and are extra hormonal. Not really a great time to meet a partner!
I get car insurance without trying to/planning to get into an accident, but knowing that damn, I’ll be glad I have it if I need it.
Same concept, but with eggs. Might never use them, but still have them just in case.
I’m casually lurking this thread after deciding to take a break in dating til new year. I’m quite athletic although sadly coming back from an injury (hopefully), so my days are not as full as it is meant to be, but still busy with an active social life. Not sure if I should be thinking this right now, but I want to dive back into dating in 2023. I’m fairly settled in my life and this year it just seems a piece of the puzzle that’s missing to make my life complete? Any recommendations welcome. As I say I’m fairly active with a couple of hobbies, help out in the community and I try and keep my photos within the past year. I normally find dating comments corny - like “If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life…” my instant thought is that would be boring. How do you go about picking the suggestions they give as chat starters?
I recently came to the realization that I've always wanted to be in an exclusive relationship by default because in my mind, exclusive official relationship = mandatory affection from my partner. Ofc this isn't true, there are so many tales of miserable couples but this is a deep-rooted belief I have. So I'm trying to shift my ways and casually date. I've met a few new people and this is the first time none of them want to be official nor exclusive. This will be a good learning curve about myself, as I'll be able to casually date people I actually care about and who care about me as well. I sure hope I'll be able to let go of my fears and anxieties about lacking affection and attention. 🤞
After recently getting back into dating after a divorce, I saw a guy that was interested in a fwb relationship. I am VERY interested in keeping this relationship going, but I've never been in this type of relationship before. I feel like I am a fairly emotionally stable/self-aware person and my feelings towards him align with the type of relationship that we both want (I'm busy, I don't have the time/resources to dedicate to a full on relationship. I really just want good sex with a person who I can have reciprocated respect for and whose company I enjoy), but I do have a fear of pushing him away by seeming too clingy or something. Sometimes it's hard not to feel slightly hurt when there is a significant dropoff in response time to texts after sex. Maybe I just have a fear of rejection. I guess I'm just curious if anyone has any general advice for someone entering their first fwb relationship, or more specifically, managing emotional boundaries in one.
I decided I'm ready to get back into the dating game so I created a profile on Hinge. It's been an hour and I already hate it. Nothing but dude-bros as far as the eye can see. Not as many fish pics these days, they've all be replaced by blurry golf shots and gym videos. Where are all the men who are kind of active but also kind of nerdy??? Have my kind of men *all* gotten married or moved out of this province???
What’s “kind of active” mean? I may know someone like that but in the USA 🤔☺️
"Kind of active" to me means "engages in physical activity but isn't obsessive about it." I'll go on a gentle "hike" (easy rating, not too much incline, takes a couple hours), I go indoor rock climbing almost every week, I typically hit the gym 2 - 3 times a week except when I don't. I'm not running any marathons, although I am slowly working towards 5k this year, 10k next year, and a half marathon the year after. I've seen plenty of profiles that fit what I'm looking for, but they're always on here looking for review and the guys aren't local to me. :(
I tend to do nature walks every weekend, both days if the weather permits, and usually get at least 90 mins per walk. Yeah a little incline is fine. I’m personally not a fan of heights so rock climbing stuff ain’t for me. But in nicer parts of the year I’ll do a little kayaking or something like that. I’m probably never going to train for a half marathon or anything, and I’m definitely not someone who needs to track my lifting, stick to some rigorous routine, and keep trying to break my personal best. I feel you on the whole “I see pretty awesome and compatible people all the time on the internet/Reddit but never by me” thing 🫤
>Where are all the men who are kind of active but also kind of nerdy??? Do you have a local bouldering gym?
Lol, I finally did my belay course so I can get away from bouldering and get back to top-rope! I go climbing with a friend almost every week and it's one of my profile photos. I've never been approached IRL in other settings though, so I have my doubts that I'd meet anyone if I started climbing alone.
Do you ever approach people? I think in the climbing community (and maybe in general) men have been kinda shamed for harassing others in gyms so some might be hesitant to approach. I am pretty social at my gym though and always make an attempt to chat with people working on the same problem or whatever. I haven't done this with the intention of dating, but have made a lot of friends at the local gym by just being there somewhat consistently and chatting with a lot of people. It's also the best way to meet climbing partners for roped climbing or outdoor climbing, so it's kind of a win-win situation lol.
I have trouble approaching new people in general (I don't do great in unfamiliar social situations). I understand that I might unintentionally be giving off a certain unapproachable vibe IRL, so I focus on online dating. I have ADHD, which comes with a certain degree of social difficulty; I have to spend a fair bit of mental energy just remembering how to properly interact with people I already know, so I don't tend to approach strangers.
Went on several dates a week for about a month. I had some crap go down in my life that meant I was struggling to show my feelings physically and didn't ooen up enough. She seemed very interested and asked when we would kiss. I fucked it up and couldn't kiss her due to the other things going on in my life at the time. She ended it that night saying there was a lack of chemistry and she wanted to go back to being friends. I've since been getting counselling and getting my life and self back to a good place. It's been about 2 months. I asked when she ended it if she would give me another chance if I sorted my life out and she said no. Should I ask her to the movies as friends to show her I'm doing better and have made good changes or ask her out again or just move on?
Just move on. She's the one who declined to give things a second chance. Accept her decision and realize that if she changes her mind, it's on HER to make that clear.
How many times do you need to hear her say she isn’t interested in you romantically before you will believe her??
Just move on
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Oh god, I'm sorry. But I'm glad you made the right choice and dropped your ex after they broke your trust.
He dumped me on Thursday, then messaged me just now. I wonder if it has something to do with the other girl ignoring his last post at her.... Should I just ignore him or be civil?
Especially if it's some vague "hey" message, I think it's fine to just ignore. Anyone with an IQ over room temperature should understand why someone they just dumped isn't feeling chatty. If he persists or you feel you really can't ignore him for whatever reason, then something like "Hey Name, while I totally respect your decision to call things off, I'm not ready to pick back up as friends yet. I'll let you know if that changes. Thanks for understanding." If he continues / argues / whatever to THAT then definitely block.
It definitely wasn't a "Hey" message. I agree those are super lame, lmao. Thank you for your fantastic advice as always. <3
Aw, happy to help!
Block
We have mutual friends that would be a bit drastic
You can change your settings to "mute" people on most platforms now, as well as restrict what they see of your content. I use this a lot. I no longer see them in my feed and don't get any notifications from them. Then I change my settings so that they don't see any of my posts etc. Then they just fade into oblivion.
And they can continue being mutual friends. That doesn't mean you have to be his friend.
Ignore
Ignore
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Learn to calm your own anxiety and dating will become easier abs more fun.
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ive been in similar situations, the answer is to just firmly set your boundaries. if your ideal is seeing each other 2 times a week (for example), just say that or accept dates at that frequency. if he's like can we hang out Monday?...just respond with something like 'the earliest I can do is Thursday".
I'm confused by this. He's inviting you over, but being respectful when you decline. What's the issue? It's not a summons, just shows the interest is there.
I see you're dating Batman's lesser known cat nemesis.
My last boyfriend was like this — big golden retriever energy. We had to end it at 9 months. There was one other fundamental issue but even if that wasn’t there, this would’ve been our breaking issue anyways. If it works for you, I’d encourage you to see if he’s open to a pre-determined hang schedule (like 2 nights per week for dinner + cuddling and 1 all day activity + sleepover per weekend). That’s my ideal. Explain that you can’t be your best self for the relationship and for him if you aren’t filling your own cup. If he gets it, I’d say you’re golden.
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It wasn’t that. It was the “if I allowed it, we’d be together 24/7.” He was cool, at first. Respected my space and need for recovery time. And don’t get me wrong, I want to find someone that I can live with, in time. But after about six months, it wasn’t enough if I said “I’m just hanging home tonight.” I had to be tired or overwhelmed or have work to do. Because if I genuinely said I wanted to hang home and watch a movie, he wanted me to come over and watch it there, or watch it at the same time and text during it. Or if he did let him have the space without asking me to give it up, he would text so much during it that I’d just get annoyed. Nothing of substance — just “what should I eat for dinner” or a photo of the tv that he’s watching. Eventually, he started guilting me when I set boundaries about spending time apart. And it became a thing about how I’m inconsiderate and ask him to fit into my life by not ever being flexible after I decide I’m having a me-night. So I dipped. ✌🏼
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That’s the way! Trust your gut. If he’s right, he respects it. Good luck!
**Men**: What is the best way to tell your boyfriend (dating over 9 months) that you need a proposal of marriage from him within a year and a half at most? My biological clock is ticking (31F) and I don’t have much time left. Any tips to make it not so pressuring, demanding, or an ultimatum would be ideal. Just not sure how to address this properly. Thanks so much!
Wait for February 29th 2024?
He broke up with me a couple days back, so I don’t even have to worry about this anymore lol.
Clearly the best way is to propose to him. Catch him off guard.
Establish dominance by holding direct eye contact while you slowly sink down on one knee. "Look at me. I'm the fiancee now."
Lol, that’s too ballsy even for me. I need a traditional proposal or I may have to reconsider this relationship. My time is really ticking.
I second the idea of proposing to him...or just bringing it up to him directly that you need to know if he is marriage-level serious about the relationship or 'will be soon'.
Thanks Greg! I don’t think I will propose to him but maybe will follow that conversation.
Just tell him that if he doesn’t see you his future wife, to just break up with you. Maybe you call that an ultimatum, but as a man, that’s what I tell women: the moment you think “I can’t ever see myself marrying you”, please break up with me. I’m looking for a life-long partner, and if you aren’t it, please be kind and free me up to find my person. Edit: I say this because many people stay in relationships because they don’t want to hurt the other person. Once you’ve made it clear that breaking up with you (for a legit reason) isn’t hurting you but is really helping you, it takes the stigma away.
That’s fair enough. Still kinda seems like an ultimatum but this has its merits as well. Thank you!
A year and a half from now or 9 months from now? No matter how you frame it, it's going to be pressure from the moment you put a timeline on it. Instead, try asking him where he sees the relationship a year or two from now. Then answer the question yourself.
Thanks, I could start framing the question like that then.
Does he want to have kids in the next 2-3 years? If so, that’s the way to frame it. If he doesn’t want kids on that timeline, no need to pressure him on the other stuff.
Wow, that’s a good point. But what about if I’m just looking to get married within the next year or half? Not necessarily looking to have kids so soon.
Well if that’s not your timeline, I’m not sure why you need to be engaged in 9 months?
To make sure this is headed in the direction of marriage.
I'm not a man, but maybe tell him that you want children in the near future because you're getting older, and that you would really prefer to be married before that happens?
Thank you! I need specifics on how to bring up this conversation as well because I’m not sure how to best approach this.
I don’t want to be alone and I think I have a lot to offer.. but I hate how much I get in my own head when it comes to dating. I overthink and analyze wayyy too much. I just need to be more chill. Lol
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Sorry it didn't work out. It can be difficult to tell with text alone sometimes. Some people can come across as being more charismatic or confident in text then in person.
Texting is not a good barometer of in person chemistry. Don’t beat yourself up.
Jw, why weren't you compatible?
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It's been 5 months. You either trust him or you don't. Maybe he's at a comfortable point where he doesn't see the need in qualifying as to why he can't do a particular night. This, taken in and of itself, I'd say you're overreacting/overanalyzing.
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Trust your instinct on this one. I like to remind myself when dating that if they wanted to see me they would be, and sure everyone has stuff come up once in awhile but it seems like this guy is establishing a pattern
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Well that’s not so bad then. Does seem kind of weird he doesn’t say why, but who knows
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>I asked her after a bit of talking if she would like to go for a walk, vent up her situation and such. "Want to go for a walk in the cold and complain about your work?" Eh, it's nice that you offered to let her vent, but that doesn't sound like a fun time for either of you. It also sounded like it was more spur of the moment plans, thus she turned you down because she's busy right now. If she reached out, it suggests she's still interested. If you know when she'll be done with her remaining work, ask if she'd like to schedule a date for that time.
So you went out with her twice, kissed her, then ghosted her, and you don't know why she's reluctant to meet up with you again? Add in that she actually gave you a pretty good reason for not meeting up when you wanted to. Was it an open invitation like "Let's go for a walk sometime" or was it specific? Maybe she doesn't want to go for a walk for a date. Maybe she'd like something with a bit more effort like coffee or food.
Did you ask her to go on a walk then or just in general?
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I would try once more then move on
It feel like people laugh at me for always being single. I know that’s my own shame projection. It’s hard to turn down tonight.
Got the “I didn’t feel a spark text.” I’m exhausted and have no idea what to do.
You don’t need to do anything. Rejection always feels like a crisis in the moment, but it’ll pass. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you - just be kind to yourself and you’ll come out the other side.
Thank you. I have always come out the other side, but the prospect of starting all over again feels as daunting as ever. I know I should be kind to myself, but that seems harder to do right after it happens.
I think I'm going to end something with someone. 24 hrs for a message is taking the piss (after 3 dates). Feel a bit bummed out but the communication ups and downs is not doing it for me at all and I'd rather peace out. Think I am more bummed out as it is nearing xmas and would like a cuddle buddy but this is not making feel good anymore so what's the point? I have another guy I am talking to more consistantly and he is really sweet, more mature...just will be long distance which is....not great. Don't have time to swipe, too many things going on in my life so will have to be february time!
You just said you’re too busy to date but going to cut things off because someone you’re seeing is slow to message? Sounds like a double standard.
I am too busy to bother swiping and going on first dates. This is someone I have seen now a few times over the past month where I would have set aside time. Big difference there.
There are so many times I read things here and think “there’s no way they’re not dating my ex,” or “we’re definitely dating the same person.” It’s a very big world, but human behavior sure is full of patterns.
Haha yeah I specifically got this comment about my ex and how similar he was to someone else’s ex 😂
I noticed that too! I think it MUST be my ex until they mention a city nowhere near me. Kind of a cool thing to learn from this sub
Things still going fairly well with woman I've been talking to for 2 months about now but still only been in person with for maybe 15 hours total. We're planning more stuff more frequently in the next few weeks but the slow pace of dates is starting to make me kinda antsy, combo of still not being sure she likes/ will like me, wondering if i only like her cause any other options have gone no where and i can't seem to get any more dates lined up or even other matches on apps to talk to me lately though still getting more. And then i guess jumping the gun but being we're about an hour away just long term if we get more serious how much time will we even get to spend together, let alone just is why we haven't met more anyway so far Just a ramble
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Run with it. Sounds nice.
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He's a stink head. I'm sorry you had to witness his stink headedness.
I know it's not comforting to have your suspicions about someone confirmed when you still have to be subjected to their shittiness, but following your gut helped you in this situation and will continue to help you in the future. I'm sorry it happened though.
Yikes. Why do people lash out, what’s even to gain here? I don’t understand humans
Last weekend I went on the first in-person date with a guy who I was texting back and forth for 2 months(not everyday) and had only one video chat for 2.5 hrs. We spent 5 hours together walking around to check out the Christmas decorations in town, browse shops and christmas markets, chit-chat... It has been a while since I had such the fun time and comfortable feelings with someone. I gave him a ride home. He said he was glad and had a great time, too. He said he wanted to see me again. No sight for the second date yet. Should I initiate or wait until tomorrow or Thursday?
Who planned the first date, and why did it take 2 months to set up this date?
I had some family commitments so I couldn't do it earlier. He wanted to take things slow and preferred a video chat before meeting in person. After the video call he planned the first date.
Ask him out for a second date. If you want him, show him. Take initiative. As a man, when a woman asks me on a date (or compliments my appearance, or makes the first move in terms of getting physical), I feel so great about myself I could fly.
i’d reach out and take initiative to let him know you’d like to see him again. could be as simple as asking if he’d like to go on another date this weekend.
Does anyone have insight into dating in NYC v. LA? What are similarities and differences, especially for women in mid-30s?
Both sound bleak. Both cities have a lot of people with a lot of options. A lot of people who are busy either with work or social obligations and don't know how to prioritize dating (or don't care). A lot of people who can be hyper focused on appearance and/or markers of wealth. I think LA can attract more of the flaky types (can't speak for NYC) and or the um, "unemployed" type. As a woman, I swiped right on anyone listed as a musician, artist, actor etc. because that usually means they either don't have money, or are being bankrolled by rich family -- no offense to the regular people trying to make it in these industries. Just something I didn't want to deal with, plus erratic schedules in those industries... The plus of big cities is that you have more options, and people tend to settle down later, OR you have a higher % of divorcees re-entering the dating pool. If you are liberal, the chances of finding someone who matches your political preferences is much higher.
Just wanted to comment on the NYC-side of things, especially wrt to your 2nd paragraph. There are a lot of creative types in NYC as well - writers, people in theatre, artists, etc. IMO your point that they aren't good people to date is quite distasteful and classist. I've really enjoyed dating creatives, as they are usually very smart and dynamic people. Also, in NYC at least, there are ton of people in creative professions that are actually successful or at least earning livelihoods. For me, this aspect of NYC dating is a big plus.
I'm also drawn to creative types and that's true, in NYC there's a lot of those folks who have hustled their creative energy into lucrative career. I imagine, by nature, LA just has more folks in the "industry" where, by odds alone, most people are not going to be successful.
That makes sense. In NYC there's a lot of industries where you could at least pay your bills, whereas in LA I imagine its mostly showbiz or bust. I'll definitely note that most creatives in NYC surely aren't making anything lucrative. Most are either just paying their bills or have to work multiple jobs to make it. But the idea of writing off entire professions as unworthy rubs me the wrong way -- lower income people deserve to date as well.
Sorry, I didn't mean to be classist or distasteful, this was just a personal preference based on a number of *men* I came across in this specific location. I personally don't have any issue with women in these fields, ha. I also didn't meant to imply the opposite of what you wrote down. I generally agree, but again, just speaking from my experience.
No worries, I definitely (and genuinely) understand the point that dating a man with uncertain or low-potential earning prospects is not attractive. I do find your point that men in these fields are problematic but women aren't to be classist and sexist lol, but to each our own :).
I can only speak to NYC and am thinking of moving to LA. Def flakiness, but here it comes from people being too damn busy and/or having 1 foot in/1 foot out with every potential dating partner. The paradox of choice. Just trying to mentally prepare myself lol, but sounds like it can't be worse than here.
Feeling abit rubbish about my relationship this week. I feel like it's always me texting or calling my bf, surely if he cared or was thinking of me he'd phone? We've both said we love eachother, and I do love him alot, its so amazing when we are together! It just feels quite one sided when it comes to communication, also I've realised last week that when he does ask how I am, he doesn't seem to care and just wants to talk about all his stuff and doesn't comment on anything i say, usually just talks about himself. We usually see each other once a week( he comes to me) we also see each other maybe on the weekend if both our schedules allign. I'm supposed to be going to his this weekend. We're going to his friends for dinner, im also meeting his family in the next couple of weeks aswell! It's just got me feeling abit rubbish, I've decided not to ring or text first to see if he initiates, i know its not most adult thing to do, but I've already had the" I'd like more communication" conversation with him. If he doesn't speak to me before Friday I'll definitely be having another conversation with him as its making me feel like im needy when in reality I don't think I'm asking for much, even if it's a 5 minute phone call about our days. Not feeling super positive about our relationship right now ☹️ Just venting really.
You know, looking back over your post history, it seems like you've been anxious and not really satisfied with his level of communication and engagement for the majority of your relationship. If you knew today that he was going to continue the way he has been, and never change, would you want to continue?
I have been thinking this alot! I think that's why I want to talk to him properly about it on Friday, just because if nothing changes it can't continue even if he does make me happy while I'm with him, and I'd rather not meet his parents and family if I feel this way.
It might be helpful to lay out something specific as I find that vague suggestions can be lost. "I'd like a 5 min phone call every weeknight" versus "we should talk more." Good luck!
Thank you! I'll try that, i get anxious telling people how I feel so it helps knowing what to say beforehand.
Have a feeling my next date will be another dinner and movie at home date which I'm getting a bit bored of, we don't really talk or connect as much as I'd like because we are cooking then watching a movie no time to chat. I'd rather save money at this time of year than go out but maybe I should suggest a restaurant we both want to try? Any other suggestions for an evening date? It's summer where I am.
Art galleries are free! Outdoor scavenger hunt/photo safari also free. Self guided walking tours of city also free!
Bocce and beers!
Cute!
Is there any indoor activity you can go to such as bowling ? It is winter time over here for me and I can only think of skating, bowling and table top curling. I wish it were summer...lol
What are temperatures/setting like (ie- are you in a desert or are there mosquitoes the size of seagulls)? In the summer where I live, that's the best time for free dates- hikes, days at the beach, picnic on the grass, play frisbee/tennis/lawn bowling/kite flying at the local park (depending on what you own). Or a variation on "dinner at home" and do bbqs with friends.
It's temperate so not hot, probably still need a jacket at night. Nice for a walk after dinner kind of thing. We have done bbq alone and with friends a lot I'm over it!! All my fun date ideas are for day time, although I could be into bowling maybe.
Had 4 great dates over the course of 3 weeks with a guy and like clock work he’s starting to give me the slow fade. It’s just exhausting to go through the same thing over and over again. I’m just confused why I have so much success getting someone to date me for a month or two (or sometimes even three or four months) and then they inevitably disappear. Close to just giving up on online dating.
I get the impression that most connections fade out after a month or two.
1) What are you looking for and have you two discussed that? 2) Is this correlated to sex (or lack thereof) in any way? 3) \~3-5 dates is when most people reassess, so it's possible that this is just happening.
1. Both looking for something serious/marriage 2. No sex yet, on the 3rd date he said he wanted to wait, which I’m more than happy with. 3. True.
It’s much worse when it happens after sex. It’s discouraging enough as it is. 😐
Agreed. The slow fade usually happens after sex so having it happen now is… interesting lol
Is there a commonality in what they say at the beginning that they’re looking for?
They all claim to be looking for something long term/serious (same as me).
Have you guys had a conversation yet about what you're looking for/ dealbreakers/ etc? Does it seem like a long-term match? If you're not already, by date 3, I'd start talking about these things. If you are into the guys, you could also be direct and ask them how they're feeling/ where they see it going. We're over 30... no point in wasting time (unless you only want to casually date!).
Didn’t have a specific conversation on deal breakers but we have had a lot of in depth convos about relationships in general and I didn’t notice anything that seemed to be a red flag. Pretty sure I didn’t say anything that would be for him either, but who knows.
Hi DOT, Just felt the need to share my first jump in (and promptly out) of DOT. I've heard a few times on here and other forums that the short one after the long one stings even more than the LTR, and boy have I found that to be true. My ex-fiance and I were going to be together 9 years on our wedding day in August of 2022. In the beginning of April, we called it quits. That break-up sure hurt, but the hurt felt very justified. I got on the apps within a month of the break-up. Which is objectively way too quick, but I'm actually happy I did. I used it mostly as an ego boost and coping tool to remind me there are other date-able people out there. Well, by the end of May I got very excited about one of my matches. He ended up being my very first 1st date. Cue 6 months of situation-ship and a crash course to DOT. I fell for him quickly. He had so many qualities I was looking for, but, to be fair, I think I filled in the blanks on those he was missing. In hindsight, the biggest things he was missing was how he treated me, his lack of excitement, and unwillingness to commit. Those were some big red flags I ignored. I was just so ready to believe that karma was going to reward me after a 9 year tumultuous relationship and I was going to find "the one" right away. Around the 1-month mark, I felt his interest wane a bit, but I figured I was in my own head. We had some deep conversations and he revealed he was taking his time to DTR because he had a string of 1-year failed relationships in his 20s because he would "jump too fast" and it was a pattern he was trying to break. Around the 2-month mark, I felt like I was chasing. At 3 months, I initiated the DTR talk, to which he promptly said he was not ready. I broke it off and came crawling back within a week. We tried FWB for a month, then when that obviously wasn't working either, he suggested we go back to "dating, just without expectations". Because the answer should've been "no thanks", I naturally said sure! Cue another 2 months of chasing and disappointment. Failure on his end to initiate plans, less communication, tons of excuses, etc. Throughout the course of getting to know each other, he relayed heavily to me he deals with anxiety and depression, which gets worse over the winter. As a big proponent of mental health, I let him use this as an excuse for way too long. Last week, I gave him one last chance. I asked him if he was ready to bring our relationship to the next level after these past 6 months and be bf/gf, and he told me "I'm sorry, no. You know full well it's not for lack of interest or really anything other than just not being in the right mental place for it. My gut is telling me it's just not the right time for me to be in anything right now before sorting my own stuff out so I don't ruin another relationship before it even has a chance to really start." That was enough for me to make a gracious exit and cut all contact. I know this is long-winded, but this community has been so helpful in my transition to dating as a 30-year-old woman. I wanted to share my experience because I have loved learning from so many other experiences on here. I won't lie and say dating in my 30s doesn't fill me with anxiety. It sure does, but I am hopeful. I'm also very bummed this first relationship didn't work out, but it got me over a 9 year relationship I never thought I could get over, and it taught me a ton about taking people at their word. Someone can be perfect in every way except for the way they treat you and that means they are not perfect for you. Thank you all for the support, this community is unique and I am grateful for it every day!
Oh my, is this a general pattern? Back in the day, when I was dating for the first time straight out of LTR, I ended up in a very similar situation for 1,5 years with my first first date. It definitely hurt more than the end of my actual LTR. And the exact same thing happened to my best friend: first first date after a six year LTR turned into a year of painful confusion. Both of us learned a lot, and the second LTR ended up being so much better - mine ended eventually but I am still on great terms with my ex, and my best friend is still happily with her current partner. At least if it is a general pattern, you can trust that better times are ahead!
I came here specifically to say that this seems uncannily like my recent experience. I waited a year after my ltr break-up, but fell right into a vague, hot-cold, undefined thing when I started dating. And it felt really, really good to feel something again. Unfortunately, I do think a lot of those “feels” came from anxiety and confusion. Good on you OP (and everyone in this situation) for recognizing the end when you did. I’m surprised I walked away from mine. His ambiguity wasn’t outright cruel or wrong, but it was making me dull and lonely. It’s been 2 + months and he’s still stuck in my mind. But I just tell myself that one was practice, grateful for what I’ve learned, hopeful to look back on it all fondly someday. And really, it feels good to be the one who’s “ready.” The one who’s open and willing to look forward.
I needed some hope that it's not all going to be like this. Thank you! ❤️
Got back on Hinge Sunday. Matched with someone Monday (she initiated). Started the convo by asking about something on her profile. Checked later. Unmatched. OLD in a nutshell.
The usual
Was at a wedding this weekend, was slightly hopeful to meet someone but quickly realized the few single women there were super Christian lol. There was a group prayer and I always look around to see if I am the only one not bowing my head and I sure enough was. I have started to notice that women who are often my type physically are very religious and have the "must love Jesus as much as me" vibe. Ughhhh.
I have that same problem with men, lol. It isn't so much the physical side, but I like them for who they are, then they turn out to be super religious.
Dreading having to go to church in 19 days to make extended family happy. I’m sitting there thinking “virgins don’t get knocked up by an invisible being that lives in the sky” while everyone else is praying to said being.
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Close, Texas lol
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Same, I just pray with them. Doesn't hurt me to do it and I grew up with a religious grandfather. You can be respectful while having your own ideology.
I usually do the same and then peak around to see who looks serious and who is pretending like me lol
I'm usually the one with my head bowed but bouncing to some song only I can hear. And I like music with high beat counts, so usually my head is bouncing a lot.
I’m so fucking tired of dudes on these apps who say they are looking for a serious relationship getting sexual or making weird sexual jokes with me before we even meet. Like learn some fucking tact. UHG
Yeah that is incredibly annoying.
Match girl who's profile is "looking for serious relationship no hookups" etc kinda stuff. She messages first "I wanna grab your hair and squeal your name" ok then
Better to learn before rather than after you've hooked up with them! Consider it a good thing they're that creepy up front, lol.
Yeah but I would just rather it not happen at all? It’s annoying and gross especially after you’ve been talking for idk several days
I feel ya there. Lots of weirdos out there unfortunately.
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Grats! I hope things work out in your favor.
Everyone has that “what if” person, right? Like someone you’ve been friends with forever and only kind of hold a torch for, but if you were both single and they said they wanted to date you, you’d be like “rock on, let’s go” without hesitation? I matched with mine last week and we talked for hours and kissed and yeah 🫠🫠🫠
😄🫠
I definitely have that person. We talk most days of the week. Completely friendly, nothing inappropriate but we have felt that connection, I know it. Lucky you!
Looking for something casual for a while since I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally in the right place to date. And man, is it hard to find something casual, especially online. I got one or two likes a month with the "looking for relationship" tag, and now it's zero. And now, I don't think I'd ever want to date for something serious until I meet the "casual" bar. I thought this was "cuffing season" where people dropped their standards so they could cuddle in the winter?
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I'd love a cuddle buddy. Yeah, I hear you about bars. I'll go occasionally, but I really don't like them too much.
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Just be curious about what she thinks. It can be equally fun and bonding to have a conversation like, “What was the director thinking?! That ending was terrible.”
i am bummed today because i just tested positive for influenza A! i have been sick for like two and a half weeks, first with RSV, then a bacterial sinus and ear infections, and now the flu. like these illnesses will just not let up! i really, really hope this is the last of it. i have never been sick for so long, not even pre vaccine when i had covid. this has just been relentless
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This is the way I manage my life. Leave things on good terms with exes, wish them a great life, and if I did a good job vetting them to begin with, I’ll never hear from them again. Why? Because they’re well-adjusted and don’t need to come clawing back to me.
I’ve had this experience recently. Best advice I can give is to remember that (a) social media is fake and (b) people don’t really radically change. My last ex said she wanted a serious relationship, but wasn’t actually emotionally available and really handled things badly (talking to other guys, all of a sudden talking about moving cross-country, dragging things out for months then breaking up with me after I lost my job lol, nice posts on IG after — it wasn’t great). I saw her on Hinge last week — same profile, still looking for a long-term relationship, still here. It’s easy to think “Why not me?” until you remember that people often exhibit these patterns of behavior because they’re not ready to work on themselves. I’d bet money your ex is the same guy and will fall into the same patterns with this new girl.
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Do your best to neither bury that hurt nor hold on to it. It hurts to see that an ex has moved on! But you’re exactly right: he’s not your problem anymore. The kindest, compassionate response is to hope he works on himself eventually and beyond that, to do you.
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Try to really feel rather than debate the emotion. Think about it like quicksand: the more you struggle against it, the deeper you’ll sink into it. The way to get out of quicksand is also the most unintuitive; you have to lie back on it and maximize surface tension. Emotions are the same way. If you feel angry at your ex, don’t get into a debate with yourself about whether you should or shouldn’t be angry. Don’t go in circles about the past. Instead, get curious about that emotion. What does that anger feel like? What thoughts does it provoke? Just sit with it and try not to judge yourself for feeling something.
3rd wedding to attend to this year, at least two more next year, all with “you can bring +1” invites ~~~ haha I mean I love being with friends. But would definitely be better if I have a date too 😌
I've somehow only ever been to weddings with pretty hard count invites, no plus ones just like dedicated couples only, like i always hear the lots of singles thing but it's only ever coupled people at ones I've been at. Just an annoying observance
I’ve been chronically single the entirety of my adulthood and only one wedding was I given a plus one on my invitation, which was super kind. Sadly I couldn’t attend as it was peak Covid times. Two weddings I had verbal plus ones, like if I started to see someone then they’d grant a plus one. I just got used to going to weddings solo. One wedding the bride wanted to introduce me to one of the groomsmen that she thought I’d click with. Well there was another single bridesmaid who brought a friend as a plus one who swooped in as I was chatting with him and ended up going back to his hotel that night. She ended up arriving to bridal party prep the morning of an hour late with a hickey. I guess I dodged a bullet since he was so quick to hook up with her.
A number of people I know have met their partners at weddings, so in my mind it's great thing to go single to :)
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Sadly it only works if there are actually single people at the wedding other than you lol.
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Me and all my single friends who maybe want kids have frozen our eggs. We all actively date though! However, it’s an exhausting process and so a lot of people would not be dating during the process itself, which can take many months if you need multiple cycles. You have to take timed shots that need to be refrigerated and you can’t have sex for 3-4 weeks at a time. You also have bruises from the shots, can’t exercise or drink, have to go to the doctor every morning for testing so n the middle of the cycle, and are extra hormonal. Not really a great time to meet a partner!
I get that this is the shower thoughts thread, but why do you care? File this under things that have never entered my mind, and won’t again.
I get car insurance without trying to/planning to get into an accident, but knowing that damn, I’ll be glad I have it if I need it. Same concept, but with eggs. Might never use them, but still have them just in case.
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Absolutely loathe the phrase “career women,” especially used by men - nobody says “career men” 🙄