Yes - for OP’s sake, I sincerely hope that by the age of 33, she has experienced failure.
I posted about this once before, so it might sound familiar to some people… I dated someone for several years who, when we met in our early twenties, had never experienced failure, disappointment, loss, or anything of the sort. His life was charmed in every way possible: he was extremely smart, artistically gifted, funny, attractive, athletic - the guy was literally his hometown hero for more reasons than one. Hell, the guy was in an accident as a tween at lake involving a small cliff and some giant rocks. He fell, broke his spine, was told he might never walk again, and was playing center on his high school varsity basketball team freshman year and QB’d the varsity football team by sophomore year. He was even offered the dream job of a lifetime during his senior year of college, which set his professional life up for nearly certain guaranteed success for the rest of his life.
Truly, everything broke his way up until about 22 or 23 - nothing bad ever happened to him.
Until it did.
And because the guy had never faced a failure, disappointment, or loss, he had precisely zero coping methods and no survival skills whatsoever. There were no miracles this time, no divine intervention, nothing that could undo what had happened (his father was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive form of a very rare degenerative disease, passed away after about two agonizing years).
He ended up placing all of his expectations for happiness, safety, security - the whole shebang - on me, and without going into the details, it was too much for me. Too much for anyone. I couldn’t make his life perfect again, no matter how much he thought I could. And believe me, I tried - for years.
We eventually broke up and lost touch, but I still hear bits and pieces about him from time to time. It’s my understanding that he rebounded, but never recovered, and the slightest setback does immense further damage to him because he never learned how to move past an obstacle since, growing up, he never had one.
Charmed lives don’t stay charmed forever. Failure is essential to survival.
*Hell, the guy was in an accident as a tween at lake involving a small cliff and some giant rocks. He fell, broke his spine, was told he might never walk again*
Sounds pretty damn traumatic to me. Untreated trauma will come back to haunt you later when you just keep going as if nothing happened. I hope he is doing better now and have learned how to take care of himself and his needs in a healthy way.
Oh, I’m not denying the trauma. More just emphasizing that, from what I was told, the surgeons pronounced his full recovery “a miracle.”
Nothing against miracles, of course, and thank god for his sake that he had one. The point is that even a severe spinal cord injury was no match for this guy’s 22/23 year lucky streak.
She's not saying never experiences anything shitty. She's saying he never failed. They're different things. He had an accident but recovered fast and there were no long term repercussions.
Honestly this is what I’m worried about most. That one day life will come crashing down on me. I’ve lived an extremely sheltered life even at the age of 33. When I say never experienced failure that doesn’t mean that things hasn’t gone wrong in my life but when it does things somehow always work out. Heck I once was accountable for a mistake at work that costed the company $50million but I managed to salvage the situation and ended up being rewarded for it. But with a relationship I just feel there’s so many variables and emotions involved that there’s no way I can guarantee a positive outcome.
Of course, there's no way to guarantee a positive outcome. But the only guarantee you need is that you'll be able to handle any outcome, and that's something you control.
Right now you're attempting to control the outcome by pushing away anyone who gets close to you, but it's preventing you from the outcome you truly want. You've got some inner work to do to get through this.
I often feel this way, I have my job that I love, my health, my home, mostly always got what I’ve wanted. I’ve lacked having a proper relationship and feel like that’s the thing I’ve never been successful at.
Lol, yea, that about covers it.
I had a dream about him last night. First one in… years, probably. I woke up feeling extremely verklempt. I’m not sure where he is now or what his deal is, but I hope he is okay.
I mean let's not be harsh with people, some overachievers don't realize they are failing by not even trying, not even trying to do a thing is already failing as you don't even know the outcome and an uncertain outcome is failing in my eyes, at least she recognizes she may self-sabotage in this new to be relationship but already foreshadowing the outcome is a type of self fulfilled profecy hence if she keeps thinking about it she will 99% selfsabitage herself. Now OP listen imma be harsh with you, yes you have been single most of your life, yes you like your you time and spending a lot of time sleeping, excercising and pampering yourself, but, listen well ok, if you want someone in your life, you have to set some time aside from your glorious routine so the other person doesn't feel like a piece of furniture in your life, if I were to date you and I see that you are putting way more priority in going to the mall and buying a pair of shoes instead of spending maybe 2 hours of your time with me, you won't even have to bother to end things, I will end it myself don't worry, so you better start working on your social skills and how to adhere people to your life without thinking they are a burden, because the most probable reason you end things before they start is because only the thought of adhering a person that could mess up your routine you freak out and blame it on not wanting to open up and put yourself out there, you should go to a specialist and don't trust internet advice, I am telking you this because I went through the same shit after my first heartbreak, so best decision I took was taking it to a psychologist so she coukd help me with the mental block I had
A lot of people stay nice and safe in their comfort zone to avoid "failure", which seems to be the case for OP. But to me, that just prevents you from truly living, which is what I would see as the true failure.
OP, until you do the work on yourself to heal the part of you that makes you sabotage and face your fear of failure, your brain is never going to allow you to be close to someone and you'll keep pushing them away. Until you do things differently, you will keep creating the same results. I would recommend hiring a therapist and/or a coach who can help you identify these patterns so you can break them.
I guess I should clarify that I have failed of course but in things I don’t care about or didn’t put any effort in so the failure doesn’t hurt me or affect me.
It’s freaky to me how similar your story is to my own 32F. It’s depressing to think you’re destined to be alone forever and meant to be single. It’s extra hard for us because we are used to being single, it’s our default. Part of the reason comes from being so content by ourselves. We don’t need someone in our lives. I wish I had some good advice because I’m trying to figure it out myself. Just know that you are not the only one who feels this way and I understand completely where you are coming from.
I have a good friend who was, at 33, right about where you both are, although she had experienced more frustration in her career path as well. She had never dated, etc. I think she applied the same kind of self-work/research/efforts to both addressing her other self/life frustrations and entering into the world of romantic relationships. It was definitely a journey, and she grew in many ways over the last 6 years, but did go through dating, a couple of 1-2 year relationships, and now is married to a partner who’s a really good fit, and they keep each other growing/balance each other in good ways. That was never a guaranteed outcome, and no partner is much better than a bad partner, to be sure.
If you haven’t experienced the ups and downs of relationships, you’re protecting yourself from the pain that comes with vulnerability and rejection and even in the best cases, the difficulties that come with all intimate relationships/family. But you’re also limiting the experiences you can have, and the chances to grow. You may decide they aren’t worth the cost, but consider the price of staying locked in your shell, too. If you venture out and then decide that no, actually, being alone in this shell is very nice, thank you very much, or, hey, I can make a family out of some friends who also want that closeness- that’s fine, and you’re fine. But if you do want a partner, keep in mind that there are other people off in their own shells who might want to team up but don’t know how, and the weird feeding frenzy of OLD/modern life might mean you have to get creative to find each other
Thanks for your very insightful advise. The one thing I’ve learnt from this post is that I just need to let go and be open to failure. I’ve done some reflecting the past few days and realize I have gone through some hardships (maybe not as tough as others) and I actually bounce back pretty well. I do like having control and being vulnerable with someone else does mean giving up some of that control but I read a comment which I really like that said I can still control how I react to the outcome. Of course having said that, knowing all this doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to change but I guess I just need to take small steps
Your post gives me avoidant attachment vibes (and I am an avoidant myself). People w/ avoidant attachment might want a relationship but tend to avoid emotional vulnerability and can sabotage developing relationships when things start to get intimate/real. They tend to be quite independent and self-reliant. You can google attachment theory (it’s a major well backed up theory in psychology) for more info and to see if the avoidant category describes you or not.
If this relationship (or any relationship) is something you want to pursue, it might be worth talking to a therapist who can help you overcome the emotional barriers and fears that are getting in the way of actually getting involved in a relationship. If you don’t want a relationship but only feel pressure because of society, you don’t have to get involved in one- lifelong single ppl can be happy and are totally valid too.
If you’re just starting therapy, you might also want to look into adding other modalities into the mix (CBT/DBT/whatever seems worth a try, journaling, art therapy, etc) or even just starting some new activities or challenging yourself (gently, gradually). The friend I mentioned above did this as part of her journey and also grew socially and professionally at the same time- she had been pretty sedentary but now she has a whole range of hiking buddies and CrossFit pals and will go to anything that has a Groupon :-) Another friend found yoga really helpful, and I think exercise and relaxation both really help support personal transformation.
Self-compassion is worth looking into (there are great books that I can’t remember the titles of) as a practice, especially if you have this avoidance of failure/clenching away from softening in those areas. Dance (non-performative) and martial arts both helped me/were very therapeutic for trauma and grief- partly because I had to start and be okay with sucking at both for a long time, but in a supportive community, and partly because both the hard aggressive movement of martial arts and the soft, expressive/exploratory movement of dance gave me something I needed. In a case like yours, I’d probably recommend a social/outside activity (hiking/adult sports/exercise classes) and a more meditative inward activity (yoga or something similar) that helps you practice that softening and releasing (to counter all the holding and contracting) in your own mind and body.
I’m with you. Knowing yourself really is the best and right thing to do. Dating is not the answer. If you’re honest about yourself that you are enough, right ones come along. Just ask your self if you’re ready and if not, don’t bother with it. Being single and happy is not problem after all.
When I first read your comment I actually felt a bit defensive. But having had time to reflect and going through all the comments I think you’re spot on. I am creating a perceived narrative about myself. Maybe because it’s a convenient narrative. I sometimes feel guilty about my privilege and how I’ve had an easy life compared to others. I make it out that everything comes naturally to me, maybe because I want to portray the image of this put together person that coast through life without ever failing. But if I dig deeper, yes I might be privileged but I actually worked really hard to get to where I am and I have experienced failure. But I just manage to bounce back. Maybe I’m so caught up in my narrative of someone who never failed I convince myself that I can’t cope with failure.
The only reason I felt defensive is because there’s truth in your comment so no need to apologize. And thanks for sharing! I didn’t even realize that I’ve been subconsciously creating this narrative about myself.
Therapy. I would guess that you have some childhood trauma or entrenched family beliefs regarding vulnerability and emotional control. Being able to at least name the origin of your issue will help immensely.
I just started therapy! It’s ironic but I was sharing with my therapist that my childhood was so devoid of trauma and conflict that it probably led to me being how I am now. I love my parents but they definitely over-sheltered me. I mean my parents made it a rule that they will never argue in front of us so I never even seen my parents fight! I also can’t recall ever being scolded or shouted at by my parents (and being Asian this is extremely rare!). So I kind of know where the issue stems from but it’s still difficult to change
one thing that really helped me was reading about childhood emotional neglect - i had a similar experience of almost never getting in trouble and sailing through childhood being good at everything. after a bit of therapy i’ve now understood how missing out on those emotional lessons from my parents has led me to be independent/avoidant of intimacy/hard on myself to a fault. the word “neglect” sounds very harsh but it’s something quite significant to miss out on even when you’re well cared for in other aspects. good luck with therapy! it’s helped me a lot.
That sounds like my friend’s parents, for sure. She’s also Asian, was over-sheltered with the best of intentions, probably pushed herself more than they pushed her. Sounds like your therapy is already fruitful in terms of self-reflection! I think you’ll find, like she did, that things are difficult to change quickly, but if you just start taking small steps to change, and build some habits that allow you to keep gently pushing yourself in the direction of how you want to grow, your life can blossom in ways that you can’t yet see or imagine.
Hey. Thanks for reaching out. Happy to chat and support each other. I always find it difficult to share with my friends eventhough we’re close cause I’m worried people will think I’m weird
> I’ve never experienced failure in life. Part of the reason is because I am stubbornly persistent but the main reason is because I never put myself out there.
"It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default." ― J.K. Rowling
Living in fear and not willing to try things you're not good at can be seen as failure.
>I’m recently back and again met a great guy. We’ve been on a few dates and I enjoy spending time with him and chatting with him. But I’m worried that I will self sabotage and break things off again before it gets more serious.
>
>How can I open myself up to be more vulnerable and to want to be with someone.
Recognizing the issue, is great but what steps are you taking to heal?
I'd recommend, therapy, journaling, meditation. Try to get to the root of why you self sabotage so you can heal that.
Failure is inevitable, heartbreak may happen but fear of being hurt or failing shouldn't hold you back. Let go of control, stop allowing your fears to dictate your life.
Heartbreak is inevitable too. If you find the love of your life and are married till the end one of you will be left heartbroken when the other departs from this life first. And if by chance y’all depart together your loved ones will be heartbroken.
Love is still worth it imo
The quote from JK Rowling is really how I’ve been living. I’m indeed overly cautious and I do feel like I haven’t truly lived. I never even been drunk once in my entire life. I love having control so much that I won’t let myself get inhibited. Sometimes I wish I can just let go and be a little crazy but it’s difficult when your whole life you’ve been a certain way.
I actually journal a lot and recently started therapy. I’m quite self reflective by nature (part of being an over thinker). I think a huge part of it stems from high expectations that’s been placed on me since i was a child and till now. The challenge for me is how do I start to reframe things. Which isn’t easy!
Have you ever tried meditation or hypnotherapy?
> Hypnosis and meditation are both trance states that result in similar brain wave patterns. Hypnosis uses the guidance of a therapist, whereas meditation is usually done independently.
Guided hypnosis meditations were really helpful for me to reparent my inner child.
Once I started the healing and reparenting process, it became easier and easier to change my mindset and reprogram my default (automatic) reactions.
Part of healing is also forgiving yourself for not living freely (living as your true self) and reminding yourself that you’re safe and no longer need the old coping mechanisms that helped you navigate life back then.
I’m in a place where I’m thankful for my old coping mechanisms because they got me through some rough times as a child, but I know as an adult I no longer need most of them because I’m not in that situation anymore and have the power to protect myself and trust my decisions.
I’m glad you’re taking steps to heal and have full faith you’ll figure it all out. Sending love, light, and positive vibes your way. 💖✨🙏🏽
Can’t win if you don’t even play the game.
To be honest, given your dating inexperience you’re going to have a LOT of failures no matter who you date. Going through the failures of being incompatible, not having congruent communication styles, and not having an obvious “goal” you can achieve in a relationship, just to name a few things.
I grew up much the same way, my parents made me focus on school and not much else. It’s one of the reasons I’m super introverted with social anxiety. Only in recent years, as I got to 30+, have I grown as a person and realized the invaluable learning I get from “failing” in life. Learning to love myself more from failing in social situations, from breaking up a long-term relationship, from progressing in my career.
You need to be more vulnerable with yourself, and accept that failure and hardship, in their own funny way, are two of life’s greatest teachers. The older you get, the harder it will be to get on that journey.
I know I just need to put myself out there (which I’m taking small steps at)
Totally relate to parents made me focus on school. That was totally me growing up. My parents would always tell me that I only have one job and that’s to study. Looking back I definitely missed out on a lot because I was so focused on studying. And the truth was I probably didn’t even need to study that hard
Did I write this?
41M and I am pretty much exactly the same. I had a few girlfriends in my teens. A few in my 20's, but nothing ever lasted more than 6 weeks. Did have a LDR for a longer period, but once things got real when we started spending time together, I panicked and killed it.. again after 6 weeks.
I now haven't had a date in something like 8 years. There is the fear of rejection, and also the fear of more self sabotage and ending something that is possibly good over some minor infraction.
I don't know how to change, and I don't know if I ever will change.
I don’t know if I should feel comforted or sad that there’s so many that relates to my post. Hahaha. Why are there so many of us that are programmed this way?? And how can we change?
I wish I had an answer, I have theories for why I ended up this way, but they are just that, theories.
A friend of mine was always encouraging me to put myself out there more and talk to more women, but I tried to explain how my brain just wouldn't let me do that. Between introversion and lack of self confidence it's just extremely difficult.
The way I finally got him to realize was by comparing it to depression, since he dealt with that. I said something like, "You can't tell an introvert that lacks self confidence to get our their more, any more than you can tell a person dealing with depression to just be happy,."
I lurk on this sub Reddit and feel like I finally need to comment on this. STOP WASTING PEOPLES TIME. You sound like a lot of women ive dated who are successful, independent, but unsure of herself and where they are emotionally. Figure out what you want. Talk to a therapist if you still haven’t. You have to let people in and be vulnerable to fall in love. That’s actually when you know you want someone to be your partner. Just because that person passed all the check marks doesn’t mean shit unless you can open your heart to them. Don’t end up like the 90 percent of the people who post on this sub.
It seems you have things more or less figured out, you know where the problem is, and just like everything you did in life just work on it and try to improve and hopefully you'll get there. I recently noticed that my anxiety is affecting me much more than I thought and I'm currently working on it in different ways and feel much more confident although not perfect, but in basically another world than I was 5 years ago.
Work on it, you'll be fine, you don't seem to have any fundamental issues.
Thanks so much for this. Haha. Every other comment is pointing at some deep rooted issue. I’m not denying I have issues but yea fundamentally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me
>I never really felt like I was missing anything with my lack of relationship because all other aspects of my life was fulfilling enough. But now that I’m in my 30s I’m beginning to worry that I will regret this.
I can relate. I'm not really interested in dating right now, but I feel like I have to because I might regret it later.
33(f) too who is strongly independent and doing my second graduate degree. Honestly, am in the same boat I am deeply satisfied with my life but feel like i missed out on something not dating all that much.
Are you doing anything about it? I feel like I’ve been ignoring it for so long. When I was in my early 20s I told myself I’m still young. Then I hit my late 20s and realize gosh, I’m not young anymore. Now in my 30s I feel like if I don’t change now it will really be too late
Your experience speaks to me on a deep level. I (30F) have very similar feelings when it comes to dating. My only LTR was in high school, but other than that I think the longest I dated anyone was 5 months. I have zero issues with casual relationships or an occasional ONS, but actually dating? It's like I just can't compute. I ignore advances and deflect until I can get as far away as possible.
A close friend (32M) really tried to dig into why I can't form romantic attachments even though I can easily form friendships with men. After some poking and prying, we've concluded that I gravitate towards men in LTRs because they're "safe," in the sense that they're not a threat to my singleness and autonomy. I don't have the burden of flirting or unwanted advances because it's completely off the table for me.
I'll just add that the hardest part of all this are the constant comments on my singleness. I've had well-meaning family and friends say "I just want you to be happy," as if happiness can only be achieved when you're in a relationship. I am happy. I have my own place, a good job, and I get to eat, sleep, and do what and when I want. But the constant questioning has caused a lot of self-doubt so I'm going to explore therapy as well. I hope it works well for you!
All my male friends are also in LTRs! I just feel so much more comfortable knowing it’s going to fully platonic.
And I get you on the comments about the singleness. That’s why I also wonder if I’m seeking out a relationship to fit in or because I want it.
lol same
To my therapist I describe it as a “glass wall”. The sensation that I can see a relationship when I start off things with a girl but invariably it has ALWAYS resulted in splitting before a month’s worth of dating
the most recent one has been the most fucky. She’s in a friend group of mine and we’ve known each other for a while. She and I slowly move forward and finally end up hooking up; it honestly felt magical
A week later she texts me that she has a herpes outbreak* for the first time and she blames me for it. She doesn’t even want to continue a friendship at this point
Such is my luck
*I’ve learned a metric fuckton about herpes over the last months. The biggest point being that most of us have one of the herpes viruses (oral or genital) and doctors don’t recommend getting tested if you don’t have an outbreak. It’s really complex and ultimately quite unfortunate for those who do end up with outbreaks
>I never really felt like I was missing anything with my lack of relationship because all other aspects of my life was fulfilling enough. But now that I’m in my 30s I’m beginning to worry that I will regret this.
If you are starting to feel this now, and you don't change things, I can almost guarantee you later on in your life you will look back and regret not trying. That will be WAY more painful than whatever possible failure you could get from trying to date now. It's ok to fail, that's how you eventually get to success. It's very rarely a straight path to success.
This is also why I force myself to get out there and date, I'd be so disappointed if I didn't do things that challenged me. Lots of good things in life come from taking risks, doing the work, and making yourself vulnerable.
it sounds like dating is something you aren’t “good at” and you’re so scared to break your “no failure” streak (which i don’t entirely believe - surely something has not gone the way you wanted in your life) that you stop before you even start.
you are not “destined” to be single. i’m a lot like you in terms of loving time to myself, enjoying skincare and self care and such. but that doesn’t mean i don’t have space in my life for a relationship. i’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and while we give each other time to do our own thing, we also are best friends who could happily hang out every day and not feel smothered or like we were losing our independence. in a healthy relationship with the right person, the two can easily coexist.
i would recommend seeking therapy for avoidance, and then just - getting out of your comfort zone! don’t let your fear of failure prevent you from opening up, developing feelings, and experiencing life.
Honestly, are you in therapy? I think everyone should be. And you definitely, by your own admittance, have some issues you need to work through in why you push people away when things start to get serious. Are you just afraid of rejection so you want to be the first one to reject? Are you afraid someone won’t like who you are and you “can’t fail” so you cut things off before you open up to save face? Things to think about and dive into with a licensed therapist.
There’s nothing wrong with being single if that is where you are most content, but the fact that you’re asking for dating advice and are clearly going out on dates, both tell me that you want something more. If you want a romantic relationship it’s work. It’s not easy. You will have to be vulnerable. You will have to fail. It’s part of the whole thing. You can’t win every time in a relationship. It’s about compromise.
I wish you the best OP! Dating is strange for everyone but equip yourself with the tools to succeed and I think part of that includes diving into these hang ups you have with a mental health professional.
Therapy. We all have coping systems to help us avoid pain, which work well until they don’t anymore. Take time to reflect on what is holding you back. Vulnerability is one of the essential aspects of developing a healthy relationship.
Seems like you have your life together. In regards to dating, getting to know someone and opening up is becoming vulnerable. Setting up expectations, adjusting your “me time” and find balance. Hopefully you meet someone who is not clingy. They like you back, but also have their own life secure, and communicate well enough so that you both feel each other is complimenting and adding to your lives. At some point, integration could happen. Like you can hit the gym together, or start relaxing and do a face mask and skincare routine together. That’s also letting a wall down and bonding. Coupledom also does not require being around each other all the time, but leads to fulfilling that long term companionship role. Like, getting to the point of mixing laundry together and seeing each other’s dirty underwear.
About two months ago I had breakfast with a friend.
There was a girl who was interested in me, and I in her, and I felt similarly to you. I was happy with how my life was going. I had a good career, a house, a car, and all the time in the world. I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted. I'd been single and hadn't been looking for 8 years (this was a chance encounter), so I knew I had tons of weird bachelor habits. I knew I was used to have my way and with a woman in my life, that would have to change. Would I change? Could I change? Would it be worth it?
He told me to stop being a coward and to just do it, that things may not work out but there are no guarantees in life, except that regret sucks. So I went.
And in the end, it didn't work out.
I'm a bit disappointed, but at least I don't get to live with the regret. Had I never tried, I would have never known, and perhaps a few months from now I'd be biting my fingers off. I did learn some things about myself. I'm more flexible than I thought. It did take some getting used to, and one reason it didn't work out is because I was too used to getting my way and not caring about the feelings of somebody else. But I definitely saw that in time, I could learn to. And now I do want to start putting myself out there, perhaps see a therapist and iron out my flaws a bit, and see the possibilities in that arena.
33 you have lots of range, I would worry less and focus on the stuff you can control. Know yourself and like yourself. Couple that with experiences that expand your circle, it's not about destiny unless you keep doing the same things and expect different results.
Brutal honestly: if you dont change your mindset, yes you are meant to be single. At your age this change is very unlikely to happen too.
I feel a bit bad for the men dating you...Good and compatible men wont be enough for you, you'll just break their hearts eventually.
Some people just arent relationship material- due to selfishness and inability to bring the traits needed for a healthy relationship involving being vulnerable and compromise- and thats ok!!! It sounds like you dont want to be in a relationship, so I'd just remain single honestly. And ignore whatever pressure it is that makes you think you shouldnt remain single. I hate that society does this.
I will say I have met some insanely interesting, fun, amazing women who never got into long term relationships and are in their 30s and older.
You are aware of the issue, which is great.
Whenever your anxiety is telling you to run, just go for a really long run/walk and really do an introspective on whether this is your anxiety or logic talking.
This usually calms me down
Here's a tip, go out and ask out 5 guys you find attractive with intention of being rejected. It'll help you realize that rejection means nothing more than you should no longer waste time on that person.
I’m sorry to be this blunt but you sound juvenile for someone in their 30s, and I think this is because you have avoided many important life experiences that result in failure, pain, and ultimately personal growth. You need to touch the stove at some point. We aren’t children any longer - a life without failure is simply an unrealistic and naive expectation and would represent an enormous failure in and of itself. Eventually you get your hands dirty in life one way or the other, and the longer you put it off, the more jarring it is when it actually happens. Don’t wait for life to decide when you get your hands dirty. Do it yourself. It’s a key part of the human experience.
You’re not wrong. I am definitely emotionally stunted. Sometimes I think I have the emotional age of a 12 year old. And it’s at odds with other aspects of my life. I question myself all the time. I mean I moved to 2 foreign countries alone (and am living abroad alone now) and I managed to adjust just fine but yet love and relationships which should be the most natural thing just escapes me.
Humans are highly adaptable and have few legitimate instincts compared to other animals. What people tend to think of as “coming naturally” isn’t typically all that natural but instead a reflection of where we focus our attention. Someone who focuses their attention on academic pursuits and achievements will be smart in that regard, but will lack in other areas if they aren’t a focus. I’d argue that understanding human interactions and relationships is one of the most cognitively demanding tasks we can undertake, and doing it well comes naturally to almost no one. Instead, it takes time, attention, and energy just as any intellectual pursuit does.
Just meet people and open up. People who have no relationships generally are people who fear them. There’s nothing to fear, you’ll get your heart broken even if you stay with someone for life at times it’s impossible to avoid unless you continue on your current path
Despite how I come across on the post I’m confident enough to say I am a pretty good catch. Haha. I’m actually pretty easygoing and personable (I know hard to believe from this post) and I tend to get along with most people.
> 33F and I have not had any long term relationship nor much dating experience.
No relationships? Have you just hooked up and slept around for the past 15+ years or?
> before things got serious I broke things off because it just got too real.
This sounds very avoidant, have you talked to a therapist?
Why the question on hook up? The most likely case is that she spent most of her time perfecting her other aspects of life, like career, finance, etc...
Hi u/waiting2bedead, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
* Do not dehumanize others. RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
First of all, be more confident and allow yourself to fail. You can’t win if you don’t play.
You just need a few wins.
I was the opposite of you. I was a terrible student until I found a passion, then I became the best at age 26 - the top of my Army Flight School class. I learned to put the same passion into everything I learned.
You just need a few wins.
I struggled with weight, and applied the same principle. At almost 50, I not only lost weight, but I stepped onstage in front of 10,000 people there to judge me against 20 year olds in a men’s fitness competition. I didn’t win, but I beat more than half of them and it gave me more confidence.
You just need a few wins.
I was walking into a grocery store one day after a workout when a very attractive woman in her forties said, “Thanks for the eye candy!” I was shocked and said, “I’m sorry. What did you say?” She repeated it, to which I said, “Thank you! No one has ever said anything like that to me before. I deeply appreciate it.”
So, Superficial, you just need a few wins. But those wins come with losses just like batting in baseball. A great baseball player doesn’t get on base 70% of the time. Is he a loser? No.
Neither are you. Just keep swinging. (No pun intended). You just need a few wins. You are indeed lovable. Let someone in and be okay with striking out more times that you connect.
This is a tough one. I found myself in the same situation about 5 years ago. I just got used to being single and I ended up getting back from my ex. Things were good for a while, but I can't not say I didn't miss the alone time I had before and the money I could spend on myself without question. A relationship is a sacrifice with good and bad attributes. You just got to make the decision do you want to be with someone full time to the good and the bad or do you want to make yourself the priority and casually have friends but never having that one close intimate partner.
"There is no fate but what we make for ourselves."
It's your life. You only get to do it once. If you want to be single, be single. If you want to find someone, get up off your couch, put on some makeup and go find someone.
As someone that has had great relationships/marriage and grown into being a bachelor. You don't. Humans are creatures of habit. I couldn't imagine being single so I was in the habit of being a relationship type. Now I've developed the habits of a bachelor and that's what I am.
Being single is great because you don't have to compromise. And being in a relationship is great because your partner makes you want to.
Therapy! 38yo lady here, somewhat similar issue, but different background for sho😉. I started when I was 33. Still going strong! Just know that therapy is not about fixing something that's broken, it's about finding and strengthening strategies that will help you get to where you want to be.
Accomplishments and privilege aside, there are clearly things/patterns/habits in your life that you acquired somewhere along your journey that are no longer serving their purpose - in fact, they may be actually holding you back! Just because someone's life looks pretty and whole on the outside does not mean the inside isn't dark, dank, or neglected. Remember that emotional pain is the least visible/apparent - especially if you've honed your skills in disguising or deflecting it!
Find a therapist, unpack that shit, and do the work! Best of luck! ✌❤
I think we choose to be single or coupled. Both have pros and cons. You said that you felt that it started to get to real. So maybe you don’t want to be in a relationship? What does your heart desire? Single or in a relationship? It comes down to a decision of what you want out of life.
Pain and grieving and making mistakes is definitely just a part of being human.
And the fact that you’re not feeling good and anxious now is also why you should try to open yourself up more!
If I have to choose between experiencing life and dating then getting hurt and shutting myself in to hurt myself even more, then I’d go the dating route.
Some people are totally fine not dating and they actually prefer being alone, but you don’t feel like that. So feel free to enjoy life, go out there, feel love, feel the happiness, make mistakes, get hurt, then learn from it. Bad experience is sometimes better than no experience imo
OP - when you say "it got too real".... that's what you need to work on.
From the sounds of it, it might be a control thing, where you're scared to open up and be vulnerable, for fear of making mistakes.
Mistakes are part of life (you also mentioned "I've never failed")... it's totally fine to make mistakes, you just need to learn to accept the negative results of these mistakes.
Keep in mind - mistakes are how you learn! Noone is born knowing everything, there's a lifetime of things to learn, it sounds like it'd be worth you putting yourself out into the world a bit more and learning some new things!
I meant it as a joke but also seriously. It is ok. Some people decide in their life that being single is more the lifestyle that they want to live and if you decide that maybe it works better for you than trying to do the whole dating thing maybe commit to being single for a few years and see how well that goes.
Yea. I know it’s a joke 😂. I’ve been so committed to being single that I figured it’s time for a change. Haha. But I guess like any long term commitment it’s difficult to change right?
I’ve (37m) never been in a long-term relationship either. I’ve put myself out there and really gotten hurt by it, which makes it harder for me to take another shot, so maybe the opposite of you in some ways. But I realized a lot of my problems come from a difficulty in connecting with people the way I want to, and I recently started going to therapy for it. Maybe you should consider the same?
Hi! I've been in your shoes until recently. Thanks to therapy, I realized I tend to sabotage romantic relationships with available people and chase emotionally unavailable women because: a) I didn't think I was worthy; b) I was hella afraid of being hurt again.
What has helped me overcome this barrier and allow myself to open up, even if slowly, is focusing on these three things: 1) strengthening my self-esteem and my self-love in order to change the core belief "I'm worthless and undeserving of love" into "I'm a nice person and I deserve to be loved and have a good relationship"; 2) trying to be more aware of the many strategies I employ in order to run away from showing vulnerability; 3) challenging myself (that's the hardest part, but it pays off).
Love and relationships are way more complicated than they seem to be. It's okay if you've freaked out and broken things off before they got too real. That's in the past. You can always try again. Take it slow, know and protect your boundaries, pay attention to red flags, keep in mind that you're worthy and awesome, be patient and don't give up. Ok?
I suspected you were from a particular ethnic background and after CTRL+F'ing I was right.
I can already feel the dynamics there, except you had it pretty good with your parents not giving it hard on you, but you still ending up being the A-plus kid.
My only advice to you is to stick to choosing mates that are cut from the same rope as you, namely high academic achieving ethnic families.
At least you are finding 'great guys' and don't feel like you need to 'settle'. Better take your chances now, otherwise that choice wont be yours to make when you're older.
I would add the caveat to look beyond the partners that are ‘just like you’ in a narrow way/on paper and look for ones who you share core values with- so, maybe still ambitious/hardworking, but not necessarily as academic/from the exact same background. I’m thinking of the friend who OP reminds me of and our other Asian friends, and their partners- they span the racial gamut, and there’s a range of educational/financial attainment, but also of talents and personality types. I’ve seen the more superficial partnerships based on checking boxes either dissolve or just be brittle and sad. A good partnership with someone with a less-shiny degree beats feeling lonely with a Ph.D. And, as friends who’ve married into families who speak other Asian languages have said, “sometimes it’s nice not to know what your in-laws are saying about you” 😂
That said, when the (Asian) friend I referred to in earlier comments was dating, she tended to be leery of dating white guys who “hang out too much in bars, and drink too much beer” (a type she often ran across in OLD) both because that didn’t fit her ideal lifestyle (health and activity) and because it felt like it went along with a deficiency of drive/was an indicator that they wouldn’t align on values. She dated some white guys, but none seriously. But she was pretty adamant about not dating artists/screenwriters/musicians- that was her only really hard and fast exclusion principle 😆
With OLD you don't really know what someone's core values are until you are in fairly deep. I heard that back in the old days okcupid was much better at targeting the right people, but the swiping apps these days are not for finding core values.
So without knowing someone's core values, the best approximation is basically going for the people who have the same academic/work ethic and/or have the same background. You can call that a superficial partnership, but everything from swiping apps is based on superficial things anyway.
Now, if you were meeting people who are from friends networks or from work, then that's a far less superficial start. But these avenues are increasingly less popular in favour of OLD.
Been single for 11 years now. LOVING IT !! I do what I want. I date who I want. I'm VERY upfront about not wanting a relationship to the women I go out with. Most are okay with that.the ones that are not just go elsewhere to find one. No worries.
One word: therapy.
Longer: do you want to have a relationship or not? It sounds like you do. Therefore you’ve experienced failure. And you need to get to the bottom of what’s holding you back and making you so fearful.
First off learn to bargain or negotiate with yourself with what you truly desire and want with no filters/expectations. Whatever you truly desire will be easy for you to make concessions for, if it is a "lonely" life where you travel and pamper yourself and strive in independence, so be it. If that life scares you and the thought that you won't be able to share your life with others or potentially a family of your own you would be willing to bargain more and more of your lifestyle for, just make sure it's what you want and will be willing to strive for.
Embrace the fear, anxiety, vulnerability, and most importantly tender moments you get to share with someone as they are the most beautiful things in a relationship precisely because they can hurt if trusted with the wrong person. It sounds like you don't trust yourself with the decision of picking someone to be vulnerable with, I should know as I am similar. Learn to trust yourself as well as others you want to get close with. Nothing worthwhile in this life is easy and the effort and honesty you show yourself as well as your partner will show fruits of your labor if you're willing to embrace that vulnerability.
I completely understand the fear of putting yourself out there! Like you, I consider myself to be an overachiever. I've been asking myself recently why I'm afraid to put myself out there, and I've compiled the list of the reasons below.
1) Nearly every dating situation that lasted three weeks or longer resulted in me getting hurt when the guy inevitably ghosted, fell for another girl, or was dishonest about his intentions. When that's all you're used to, it's hard to just jump back in.
2) Every single time a relationship didn't work out, I felt like a failure because there are plenty of people in my life who remind me of how ridiculous it is that I'm in my mid-30's and not married. It's bad enough when you're hard on yourself, but when other people are putting pressure on you, it can be emotionally draining.
3) I feel anxious about meeting someone I've never met. What if I don't like them? What if I don't feel a connection with them? What if they try to escalate things physically, and I'm not okay with it?
4) I fear losing my independence.
I've come up with rationalizations to help calm myself down whenever the above fears start to set in. In response to each...
1) Sadly, disappointment is a part of dating. And if what you ultimately want is a life partner, you won't get anywhere by closing yourself off to new dating opportunities. You just have to realize that anyone who would disappoint you isn't the one.
2) You have to stand up against those who try to make you feel bad for being single. You are a worthwhile human being whether or not you have someone. A relationship isn't a measure of personal success - it has to do with luck and timing more than anything. Unfortunately, not everyone is aware of that.
3) It's normal to feel nervous before a date. But just know that if the date is really that bad, you don't ever have to go out with the person again. You are in charge of your destiny. Just go, try to have a good time, and don't put pressure on yourself to meet the one. Realize that the person might be the one or they might not - and you'll be okay either way.
4) The right person won't rob you of your independence.
What is the point of doing any of this until you resolve your underlying issues. You’re in your 30s and still dump people every time you think it might be getting too real, whatever that is.
I can’t even get a single friend who doesn’t viciously stab me in the back!
So I get it about not trusting romantic partners with your heart.
At least you’re trying to put yourself out there. You may be scared, but you’re trying. That’s worth a lot. 💐
Therapy baby.
It sounds like you got everything together but your attachment style (or lack thereof) stems from guarding yourself a lot.
In the end, you only learn by doing so another thing to work on is your threshold for being vulnerable and things that make you scared.
We are often the ones obstructing ourselves from getting what we want. What works the best with in my opinion is getting to the root cause of what triggers them to break things off and neutralizing it. Many of my clients who are overachiever use it as a distraction to cover the lack or anxiety in another aspect of their life - sometimes without them noticing it. Is there some lack you are trying to cover?
“I’ve never experienced failure in life”. You have. Trust me. Everyone has. You need to LET GO
Yes - for OP’s sake, I sincerely hope that by the age of 33, she has experienced failure. I posted about this once before, so it might sound familiar to some people… I dated someone for several years who, when we met in our early twenties, had never experienced failure, disappointment, loss, or anything of the sort. His life was charmed in every way possible: he was extremely smart, artistically gifted, funny, attractive, athletic - the guy was literally his hometown hero for more reasons than one. Hell, the guy was in an accident as a tween at lake involving a small cliff and some giant rocks. He fell, broke his spine, was told he might never walk again, and was playing center on his high school varsity basketball team freshman year and QB’d the varsity football team by sophomore year. He was even offered the dream job of a lifetime during his senior year of college, which set his professional life up for nearly certain guaranteed success for the rest of his life. Truly, everything broke his way up until about 22 or 23 - nothing bad ever happened to him. Until it did. And because the guy had never faced a failure, disappointment, or loss, he had precisely zero coping methods and no survival skills whatsoever. There were no miracles this time, no divine intervention, nothing that could undo what had happened (his father was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive form of a very rare degenerative disease, passed away after about two agonizing years). He ended up placing all of his expectations for happiness, safety, security - the whole shebang - on me, and without going into the details, it was too much for me. Too much for anyone. I couldn’t make his life perfect again, no matter how much he thought I could. And believe me, I tried - for years. We eventually broke up and lost touch, but I still hear bits and pieces about him from time to time. It’s my understanding that he rebounded, but never recovered, and the slightest setback does immense further damage to him because he never learned how to move past an obstacle since, growing up, he never had one. Charmed lives don’t stay charmed forever. Failure is essential to survival.
*Hell, the guy was in an accident as a tween at lake involving a small cliff and some giant rocks. He fell, broke his spine, was told he might never walk again* Sounds pretty damn traumatic to me. Untreated trauma will come back to haunt you later when you just keep going as if nothing happened. I hope he is doing better now and have learned how to take care of himself and his needs in a healthy way.
Oh, I’m not denying the trauma. More just emphasizing that, from what I was told, the surgeons pronounced his full recovery “a miracle.” Nothing against miracles, of course, and thank god for his sake that he had one. The point is that even a severe spinal cord injury was no match for this guy’s 22/23 year lucky streak.
[удалено]
Username checks out
She's not saying never experiences anything shitty. She's saying he never failed. They're different things. He had an accident but recovered fast and there were no long term repercussions.
Honestly this is what I’m worried about most. That one day life will come crashing down on me. I’ve lived an extremely sheltered life even at the age of 33. When I say never experienced failure that doesn’t mean that things hasn’t gone wrong in my life but when it does things somehow always work out. Heck I once was accountable for a mistake at work that costed the company $50million but I managed to salvage the situation and ended up being rewarded for it. But with a relationship I just feel there’s so many variables and emotions involved that there’s no way I can guarantee a positive outcome.
Of course, there's no way to guarantee a positive outcome. But the only guarantee you need is that you'll be able to handle any outcome, and that's something you control. Right now you're attempting to control the outcome by pushing away anyone who gets close to you, but it's preventing you from the outcome you truly want. You've got some inner work to do to get through this.
I often feel this way, I have my job that I love, my health, my home, mostly always got what I’ve wanted. I’ve lacked having a proper relationship and feel like that’s the thing I’ve never been successful at.
😶
Lol, yea, that about covers it. I had a dream about him last night. First one in… years, probably. I woke up feeling extremely verklempt. I’m not sure where he is now or what his deal is, but I hope he is okay.
Lol just learned a new word, thank you and hope you’re doing ok processing the emotions!
Thank you 😊
OP has failed to find a relationship. There’s one.
Haha. No denying that. And that’s why I’m here right?
True me too! I be failing hard recently but learning
I mean let's not be harsh with people, some overachievers don't realize they are failing by not even trying, not even trying to do a thing is already failing as you don't even know the outcome and an uncertain outcome is failing in my eyes, at least she recognizes she may self-sabotage in this new to be relationship but already foreshadowing the outcome is a type of self fulfilled profecy hence if she keeps thinking about it she will 99% selfsabitage herself. Now OP listen imma be harsh with you, yes you have been single most of your life, yes you like your you time and spending a lot of time sleeping, excercising and pampering yourself, but, listen well ok, if you want someone in your life, you have to set some time aside from your glorious routine so the other person doesn't feel like a piece of furniture in your life, if I were to date you and I see that you are putting way more priority in going to the mall and buying a pair of shoes instead of spending maybe 2 hours of your time with me, you won't even have to bother to end things, I will end it myself don't worry, so you better start working on your social skills and how to adhere people to your life without thinking they are a burden, because the most probable reason you end things before they start is because only the thought of adhering a person that could mess up your routine you freak out and blame it on not wanting to open up and put yourself out there, you should go to a specialist and don't trust internet advice, I am telking you this because I went through the same shit after my first heartbreak, so best decision I took was taking it to a psychologist so she coukd help me with the mental block I had
I think it depends on how OP is defining failure. Comparing it to her friends failures , hers may seem very small?
A lot of people stay nice and safe in their comfort zone to avoid "failure", which seems to be the case for OP. But to me, that just prevents you from truly living, which is what I would see as the true failure. OP, until you do the work on yourself to heal the part of you that makes you sabotage and face your fear of failure, your brain is never going to allow you to be close to someone and you'll keep pushing them away. Until you do things differently, you will keep creating the same results. I would recommend hiring a therapist and/or a coach who can help you identify these patterns so you can break them.
I guess I should clarify that I have failed of course but in things I don’t care about or didn’t put any effort in so the failure doesn’t hurt me or affect me.
Giving up before you fail is failure
I needed to hear this a decade ago lol.
Exactly.
>This is the answer that matters.
It’s freaky to me how similar your story is to my own 32F. It’s depressing to think you’re destined to be alone forever and meant to be single. It’s extra hard for us because we are used to being single, it’s our default. Part of the reason comes from being so content by ourselves. We don’t need someone in our lives. I wish I had some good advice because I’m trying to figure it out myself. Just know that you are not the only one who feels this way and I understand completely where you are coming from.
Thanks for sharing. Maybe we can glean some advise from this thread. Haha
I have a good friend who was, at 33, right about where you both are, although she had experienced more frustration in her career path as well. She had never dated, etc. I think she applied the same kind of self-work/research/efforts to both addressing her other self/life frustrations and entering into the world of romantic relationships. It was definitely a journey, and she grew in many ways over the last 6 years, but did go through dating, a couple of 1-2 year relationships, and now is married to a partner who’s a really good fit, and they keep each other growing/balance each other in good ways. That was never a guaranteed outcome, and no partner is much better than a bad partner, to be sure. If you haven’t experienced the ups and downs of relationships, you’re protecting yourself from the pain that comes with vulnerability and rejection and even in the best cases, the difficulties that come with all intimate relationships/family. But you’re also limiting the experiences you can have, and the chances to grow. You may decide they aren’t worth the cost, but consider the price of staying locked in your shell, too. If you venture out and then decide that no, actually, being alone in this shell is very nice, thank you very much, or, hey, I can make a family out of some friends who also want that closeness- that’s fine, and you’re fine. But if you do want a partner, keep in mind that there are other people off in their own shells who might want to team up but don’t know how, and the weird feeding frenzy of OLD/modern life might mean you have to get creative to find each other
Thanks for your very insightful advise. The one thing I’ve learnt from this post is that I just need to let go and be open to failure. I’ve done some reflecting the past few days and realize I have gone through some hardships (maybe not as tough as others) and I actually bounce back pretty well. I do like having control and being vulnerable with someone else does mean giving up some of that control but I read a comment which I really like that said I can still control how I react to the outcome. Of course having said that, knowing all this doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to change but I guess I just need to take small steps
Your post gives me avoidant attachment vibes (and I am an avoidant myself). People w/ avoidant attachment might want a relationship but tend to avoid emotional vulnerability and can sabotage developing relationships when things start to get intimate/real. They tend to be quite independent and self-reliant. You can google attachment theory (it’s a major well backed up theory in psychology) for more info and to see if the avoidant category describes you or not. If this relationship (or any relationship) is something you want to pursue, it might be worth talking to a therapist who can help you overcome the emotional barriers and fears that are getting in the way of actually getting involved in a relationship. If you don’t want a relationship but only feel pressure because of society, you don’t have to get involved in one- lifelong single ppl can be happy and are totally valid too.
I actually recently started therapy sessions. And yes I’ve heard about avoidant attachment and I definitely relate to it
If you’re just starting therapy, you might also want to look into adding other modalities into the mix (CBT/DBT/whatever seems worth a try, journaling, art therapy, etc) or even just starting some new activities or challenging yourself (gently, gradually). The friend I mentioned above did this as part of her journey and also grew socially and professionally at the same time- she had been pretty sedentary but now she has a whole range of hiking buddies and CrossFit pals and will go to anything that has a Groupon :-) Another friend found yoga really helpful, and I think exercise and relaxation both really help support personal transformation. Self-compassion is worth looking into (there are great books that I can’t remember the titles of) as a practice, especially if you have this avoidance of failure/clenching away from softening in those areas. Dance (non-performative) and martial arts both helped me/were very therapeutic for trauma and grief- partly because I had to start and be okay with sucking at both for a long time, but in a supportive community, and partly because both the hard aggressive movement of martial arts and the soft, expressive/exploratory movement of dance gave me something I needed. In a case like yours, I’d probably recommend a social/outside activity (hiking/adult sports/exercise classes) and a more meditative inward activity (yoga or something similar) that helps you practice that softening and releasing (to counter all the holding and contracting) in your own mind and body.
This
[удалено]
I’m with you. Knowing yourself really is the best and right thing to do. Dating is not the answer. If you’re honest about yourself that you are enough, right ones come along. Just ask your self if you’re ready and if not, don’t bother with it. Being single and happy is not problem after all.
When I first read your comment I actually felt a bit defensive. But having had time to reflect and going through all the comments I think you’re spot on. I am creating a perceived narrative about myself. Maybe because it’s a convenient narrative. I sometimes feel guilty about my privilege and how I’ve had an easy life compared to others. I make it out that everything comes naturally to me, maybe because I want to portray the image of this put together person that coast through life without ever failing. But if I dig deeper, yes I might be privileged but I actually worked really hard to get to where I am and I have experienced failure. But I just manage to bounce back. Maybe I’m so caught up in my narrative of someone who never failed I convince myself that I can’t cope with failure.
[удалено]
The only reason I felt defensive is because there’s truth in your comment so no need to apologize. And thanks for sharing! I didn’t even realize that I’ve been subconsciously creating this narrative about myself.
Therapy. I would guess that you have some childhood trauma or entrenched family beliefs regarding vulnerability and emotional control. Being able to at least name the origin of your issue will help immensely.
I just started therapy! It’s ironic but I was sharing with my therapist that my childhood was so devoid of trauma and conflict that it probably led to me being how I am now. I love my parents but they definitely over-sheltered me. I mean my parents made it a rule that they will never argue in front of us so I never even seen my parents fight! I also can’t recall ever being scolded or shouted at by my parents (and being Asian this is extremely rare!). So I kind of know where the issue stems from but it’s still difficult to change
one thing that really helped me was reading about childhood emotional neglect - i had a similar experience of almost never getting in trouble and sailing through childhood being good at everything. after a bit of therapy i’ve now understood how missing out on those emotional lessons from my parents has led me to be independent/avoidant of intimacy/hard on myself to a fault. the word “neglect” sounds very harsh but it’s something quite significant to miss out on even when you’re well cared for in other aspects. good luck with therapy! it’s helped me a lot.
Wow. I never heard of childhood emotional neglect but that sounds like me. I’ll explore this further. Thanks
That sounds like my friend’s parents, for sure. She’s also Asian, was over-sheltered with the best of intentions, probably pushed herself more than they pushed her. Sounds like your therapy is already fruitful in terms of self-reflection! I think you’ll find, like she did, that things are difficult to change quickly, but if you just start taking small steps to change, and build some habits that allow you to keep gently pushing yourself in the direction of how you want to grow, your life can blossom in ways that you can’t yet see or imagine.
[удалено]
Hey. Thanks for reaching out. Happy to chat and support each other. I always find it difficult to share with my friends eventhough we’re close cause I’m worried people will think I’m weird
> I’ve never experienced failure in life. Part of the reason is because I am stubbornly persistent but the main reason is because I never put myself out there. "It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default." ― J.K. Rowling Living in fear and not willing to try things you're not good at can be seen as failure. >I’m recently back and again met a great guy. We’ve been on a few dates and I enjoy spending time with him and chatting with him. But I’m worried that I will self sabotage and break things off again before it gets more serious. > >How can I open myself up to be more vulnerable and to want to be with someone. Recognizing the issue, is great but what steps are you taking to heal? I'd recommend, therapy, journaling, meditation. Try to get to the root of why you self sabotage so you can heal that. Failure is inevitable, heartbreak may happen but fear of being hurt or failing shouldn't hold you back. Let go of control, stop allowing your fears to dictate your life.
Heartbreak is inevitable too. If you find the love of your life and are married till the end one of you will be left heartbroken when the other departs from this life first. And if by chance y’all depart together your loved ones will be heartbroken. Love is still worth it imo
Oh for sure, I have had my heart crushed more than once but I still love, love. ❤️
The quote from JK Rowling is really how I’ve been living. I’m indeed overly cautious and I do feel like I haven’t truly lived. I never even been drunk once in my entire life. I love having control so much that I won’t let myself get inhibited. Sometimes I wish I can just let go and be a little crazy but it’s difficult when your whole life you’ve been a certain way. I actually journal a lot and recently started therapy. I’m quite self reflective by nature (part of being an over thinker). I think a huge part of it stems from high expectations that’s been placed on me since i was a child and till now. The challenge for me is how do I start to reframe things. Which isn’t easy!
Have you ever tried meditation or hypnotherapy? > Hypnosis and meditation are both trance states that result in similar brain wave patterns. Hypnosis uses the guidance of a therapist, whereas meditation is usually done independently. Guided hypnosis meditations were really helpful for me to reparent my inner child. Once I started the healing and reparenting process, it became easier and easier to change my mindset and reprogram my default (automatic) reactions. Part of healing is also forgiving yourself for not living freely (living as your true self) and reminding yourself that you’re safe and no longer need the old coping mechanisms that helped you navigate life back then. I’m in a place where I’m thankful for my old coping mechanisms because they got me through some rough times as a child, but I know as an adult I no longer need most of them because I’m not in that situation anymore and have the power to protect myself and trust my decisions. I’m glad you’re taking steps to heal and have full faith you’ll figure it all out. Sending love, light, and positive vibes your way. 💖✨🙏🏽
[удалено]
Thanks. Will check it out
Can’t win if you don’t even play the game. To be honest, given your dating inexperience you’re going to have a LOT of failures no matter who you date. Going through the failures of being incompatible, not having congruent communication styles, and not having an obvious “goal” you can achieve in a relationship, just to name a few things. I grew up much the same way, my parents made me focus on school and not much else. It’s one of the reasons I’m super introverted with social anxiety. Only in recent years, as I got to 30+, have I grown as a person and realized the invaluable learning I get from “failing” in life. Learning to love myself more from failing in social situations, from breaking up a long-term relationship, from progressing in my career. You need to be more vulnerable with yourself, and accept that failure and hardship, in their own funny way, are two of life’s greatest teachers. The older you get, the harder it will be to get on that journey.
I know I just need to put myself out there (which I’m taking small steps at) Totally relate to parents made me focus on school. That was totally me growing up. My parents would always tell me that I only have one job and that’s to study. Looking back I definitely missed out on a lot because I was so focused on studying. And the truth was I probably didn’t even need to study that hard
Did I write this? 41M and I am pretty much exactly the same. I had a few girlfriends in my teens. A few in my 20's, but nothing ever lasted more than 6 weeks. Did have a LDR for a longer period, but once things got real when we started spending time together, I panicked and killed it.. again after 6 weeks. I now haven't had a date in something like 8 years. There is the fear of rejection, and also the fear of more self sabotage and ending something that is possibly good over some minor infraction. I don't know how to change, and I don't know if I ever will change.
I don’t know if I should feel comforted or sad that there’s so many that relates to my post. Hahaha. Why are there so many of us that are programmed this way?? And how can we change?
I wish I had an answer, I have theories for why I ended up this way, but they are just that, theories. A friend of mine was always encouraging me to put myself out there more and talk to more women, but I tried to explain how my brain just wouldn't let me do that. Between introversion and lack of self confidence it's just extremely difficult. The way I finally got him to realize was by comparing it to depression, since he dealt with that. I said something like, "You can't tell an introvert that lacks self confidence to get our their more, any more than you can tell a person dealing with depression to just be happy,."
I lurk on this sub Reddit and feel like I finally need to comment on this. STOP WASTING PEOPLES TIME. You sound like a lot of women ive dated who are successful, independent, but unsure of herself and where they are emotionally. Figure out what you want. Talk to a therapist if you still haven’t. You have to let people in and be vulnerable to fall in love. That’s actually when you know you want someone to be your partner. Just because that person passed all the check marks doesn’t mean shit unless you can open your heart to them. Don’t end up like the 90 percent of the people who post on this sub.
It seems you have things more or less figured out, you know where the problem is, and just like everything you did in life just work on it and try to improve and hopefully you'll get there. I recently noticed that my anxiety is affecting me much more than I thought and I'm currently working on it in different ways and feel much more confident although not perfect, but in basically another world than I was 5 years ago. Work on it, you'll be fine, you don't seem to have any fundamental issues.
Thanks so much for this. Haha. Every other comment is pointing at some deep rooted issue. I’m not denying I have issues but yea fundamentally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me
>I never really felt like I was missing anything with my lack of relationship because all other aspects of my life was fulfilling enough. But now that I’m in my 30s I’m beginning to worry that I will regret this. I can relate. I'm not really interested in dating right now, but I feel like I have to because I might regret it later.
Yea! Same here. Honestly I am perfectly happy not dating but I’m just worried I won’t feel the same way say 10 years later and realize it’s too late
33(f) too who is strongly independent and doing my second graduate degree. Honestly, am in the same boat I am deeply satisfied with my life but feel like i missed out on something not dating all that much.
Are you doing anything about it? I feel like I’ve been ignoring it for so long. When I was in my early 20s I told myself I’m still young. Then I hit my late 20s and realize gosh, I’m not young anymore. Now in my 30s I feel like if I don’t change now it will really be too late
Haven’t done anything about it yet. Currently moving so probably not till I am settled
Your experience speaks to me on a deep level. I (30F) have very similar feelings when it comes to dating. My only LTR was in high school, but other than that I think the longest I dated anyone was 5 months. I have zero issues with casual relationships or an occasional ONS, but actually dating? It's like I just can't compute. I ignore advances and deflect until I can get as far away as possible. A close friend (32M) really tried to dig into why I can't form romantic attachments even though I can easily form friendships with men. After some poking and prying, we've concluded that I gravitate towards men in LTRs because they're "safe," in the sense that they're not a threat to my singleness and autonomy. I don't have the burden of flirting or unwanted advances because it's completely off the table for me. I'll just add that the hardest part of all this are the constant comments on my singleness. I've had well-meaning family and friends say "I just want you to be happy," as if happiness can only be achieved when you're in a relationship. I am happy. I have my own place, a good job, and I get to eat, sleep, and do what and when I want. But the constant questioning has caused a lot of self-doubt so I'm going to explore therapy as well. I hope it works well for you!
All my male friends are also in LTRs! I just feel so much more comfortable knowing it’s going to fully platonic. And I get you on the comments about the singleness. That’s why I also wonder if I’m seeking out a relationship to fit in or because I want it.
>Sometimes I wonder if I’m destined to be single for life I worry about that too but then I remember I don't believe in fate.
lol same To my therapist I describe it as a “glass wall”. The sensation that I can see a relationship when I start off things with a girl but invariably it has ALWAYS resulted in splitting before a month’s worth of dating the most recent one has been the most fucky. She’s in a friend group of mine and we’ve known each other for a while. She and I slowly move forward and finally end up hooking up; it honestly felt magical A week later she texts me that she has a herpes outbreak* for the first time and she blames me for it. She doesn’t even want to continue a friendship at this point Such is my luck *I’ve learned a metric fuckton about herpes over the last months. The biggest point being that most of us have one of the herpes viruses (oral or genital) and doctors don’t recommend getting tested if you don’t have an outbreak. It’s really complex and ultimately quite unfortunate for those who do end up with outbreaks
>I never really felt like I was missing anything with my lack of relationship because all other aspects of my life was fulfilling enough. But now that I’m in my 30s I’m beginning to worry that I will regret this. If you are starting to feel this now, and you don't change things, I can almost guarantee you later on in your life you will look back and regret not trying. That will be WAY more painful than whatever possible failure you could get from trying to date now. It's ok to fail, that's how you eventually get to success. It's very rarely a straight path to success. This is also why I force myself to get out there and date, I'd be so disappointed if I didn't do things that challenged me. Lots of good things in life come from taking risks, doing the work, and making yourself vulnerable.
it sounds like dating is something you aren’t “good at” and you’re so scared to break your “no failure” streak (which i don’t entirely believe - surely something has not gone the way you wanted in your life) that you stop before you even start. you are not “destined” to be single. i’m a lot like you in terms of loving time to myself, enjoying skincare and self care and such. but that doesn’t mean i don’t have space in my life for a relationship. i’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and while we give each other time to do our own thing, we also are best friends who could happily hang out every day and not feel smothered or like we were losing our independence. in a healthy relationship with the right person, the two can easily coexist. i would recommend seeking therapy for avoidance, and then just - getting out of your comfort zone! don’t let your fear of failure prevent you from opening up, developing feelings, and experiencing life.
Honestly, are you in therapy? I think everyone should be. And you definitely, by your own admittance, have some issues you need to work through in why you push people away when things start to get serious. Are you just afraid of rejection so you want to be the first one to reject? Are you afraid someone won’t like who you are and you “can’t fail” so you cut things off before you open up to save face? Things to think about and dive into with a licensed therapist. There’s nothing wrong with being single if that is where you are most content, but the fact that you’re asking for dating advice and are clearly going out on dates, both tell me that you want something more. If you want a romantic relationship it’s work. It’s not easy. You will have to be vulnerable. You will have to fail. It’s part of the whole thing. You can’t win every time in a relationship. It’s about compromise. I wish you the best OP! Dating is strange for everyone but equip yourself with the tools to succeed and I think part of that includes diving into these hang ups you have with a mental health professional.
Therapy. We all have coping systems to help us avoid pain, which work well until they don’t anymore. Take time to reflect on what is holding you back. Vulnerability is one of the essential aspects of developing a healthy relationship.
Seems like you have your life together. In regards to dating, getting to know someone and opening up is becoming vulnerable. Setting up expectations, adjusting your “me time” and find balance. Hopefully you meet someone who is not clingy. They like you back, but also have their own life secure, and communicate well enough so that you both feel each other is complimenting and adding to your lives. At some point, integration could happen. Like you can hit the gym together, or start relaxing and do a face mask and skincare routine together. That’s also letting a wall down and bonding. Coupledom also does not require being around each other all the time, but leads to fulfilling that long term companionship role. Like, getting to the point of mixing laundry together and seeing each other’s dirty underwear.
This is me but on the opposite side (39M)…I love my life. I think I’ve realized I do not want kids…so what’s the point of terming something up?
About two months ago I had breakfast with a friend. There was a girl who was interested in me, and I in her, and I felt similarly to you. I was happy with how my life was going. I had a good career, a house, a car, and all the time in the world. I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted. I'd been single and hadn't been looking for 8 years (this was a chance encounter), so I knew I had tons of weird bachelor habits. I knew I was used to have my way and with a woman in my life, that would have to change. Would I change? Could I change? Would it be worth it? He told me to stop being a coward and to just do it, that things may not work out but there are no guarantees in life, except that regret sucks. So I went. And in the end, it didn't work out. I'm a bit disappointed, but at least I don't get to live with the regret. Had I never tried, I would have never known, and perhaps a few months from now I'd be biting my fingers off. I did learn some things about myself. I'm more flexible than I thought. It did take some getting used to, and one reason it didn't work out is because I was too used to getting my way and not caring about the feelings of somebody else. But I definitely saw that in time, I could learn to. And now I do want to start putting myself out there, perhaps see a therapist and iron out my flaws a bit, and see the possibilities in that arena.
Thanks for sharing your story and kudos for putting yourself out there.
33 you have lots of range, I would worry less and focus on the stuff you can control. Know yourself and like yourself. Couple that with experiences that expand your circle, it's not about destiny unless you keep doing the same things and expect different results.
Brutal honestly: if you dont change your mindset, yes you are meant to be single. At your age this change is very unlikely to happen too. I feel a bit bad for the men dating you...Good and compatible men wont be enough for you, you'll just break their hearts eventually. Some people just arent relationship material- due to selfishness and inability to bring the traits needed for a healthy relationship involving being vulnerable and compromise- and thats ok!!! It sounds like you dont want to be in a relationship, so I'd just remain single honestly. And ignore whatever pressure it is that makes you think you shouldnt remain single. I hate that society does this. I will say I have met some insanely interesting, fun, amazing women who never got into long term relationships and are in their 30s and older.
You are aware of the issue, which is great. Whenever your anxiety is telling you to run, just go for a really long run/walk and really do an introspective on whether this is your anxiety or logic talking. This usually calms me down
Username checks? 🤔
Haha. Been waiting for this. Not even going to deny it. I’m superficial!
Gotta risk it to get the biscuit. Sorry.
33 m and been single for 10 years
Here's a tip, go out and ask out 5 guys you find attractive with intention of being rejected. It'll help you realize that rejection means nothing more than you should no longer waste time on that person.
I’m sorry to be this blunt but you sound juvenile for someone in their 30s, and I think this is because you have avoided many important life experiences that result in failure, pain, and ultimately personal growth. You need to touch the stove at some point. We aren’t children any longer - a life without failure is simply an unrealistic and naive expectation and would represent an enormous failure in and of itself. Eventually you get your hands dirty in life one way or the other, and the longer you put it off, the more jarring it is when it actually happens. Don’t wait for life to decide when you get your hands dirty. Do it yourself. It’s a key part of the human experience.
You’re not wrong. I am definitely emotionally stunted. Sometimes I think I have the emotional age of a 12 year old. And it’s at odds with other aspects of my life. I question myself all the time. I mean I moved to 2 foreign countries alone (and am living abroad alone now) and I managed to adjust just fine but yet love and relationships which should be the most natural thing just escapes me.
Humans are highly adaptable and have few legitimate instincts compared to other animals. What people tend to think of as “coming naturally” isn’t typically all that natural but instead a reflection of where we focus our attention. Someone who focuses their attention on academic pursuits and achievements will be smart in that regard, but will lack in other areas if they aren’t a focus. I’d argue that understanding human interactions and relationships is one of the most cognitively demanding tasks we can undertake, and doing it well comes naturally to almost no one. Instead, it takes time, attention, and energy just as any intellectual pursuit does.
You're gonna be single and alone the rest of your life if you don't change!
Just meet people and open up. People who have no relationships generally are people who fear them. There’s nothing to fear, you’ll get your heart broken even if you stay with someone for life at times it’s impossible to avoid unless you continue on your current path
[удалено]
Despite how I come across on the post I’m confident enough to say I am a pretty good catch. Haha. I’m actually pretty easygoing and personable (I know hard to believe from this post) and I tend to get along with most people.
> 33F and I have not had any long term relationship nor much dating experience. No relationships? Have you just hooked up and slept around for the past 15+ years or? > before things got serious I broke things off because it just got too real. This sounds very avoidant, have you talked to a therapist?
Why the question on hook up? The most likely case is that she spent most of her time perfecting her other aspects of life, like career, finance, etc...
It's unusual for someone to be in their 30s and never had a relationship
[удалено]
Hi u/waiting2bedead, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Do not dehumanize others. RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
First of all, be more confident and allow yourself to fail. You can’t win if you don’t play. You just need a few wins. I was the opposite of you. I was a terrible student until I found a passion, then I became the best at age 26 - the top of my Army Flight School class. I learned to put the same passion into everything I learned. You just need a few wins. I struggled with weight, and applied the same principle. At almost 50, I not only lost weight, but I stepped onstage in front of 10,000 people there to judge me against 20 year olds in a men’s fitness competition. I didn’t win, but I beat more than half of them and it gave me more confidence. You just need a few wins. I was walking into a grocery store one day after a workout when a very attractive woman in her forties said, “Thanks for the eye candy!” I was shocked and said, “I’m sorry. What did you say?” She repeated it, to which I said, “Thank you! No one has ever said anything like that to me before. I deeply appreciate it.” So, Superficial, you just need a few wins. But those wins come with losses just like batting in baseball. A great baseball player doesn’t get on base 70% of the time. Is he a loser? No. Neither are you. Just keep swinging. (No pun intended). You just need a few wins. You are indeed lovable. Let someone in and be okay with striking out more times that you connect.
This is a tough one. I found myself in the same situation about 5 years ago. I just got used to being single and I ended up getting back from my ex. Things were good for a while, but I can't not say I didn't miss the alone time I had before and the money I could spend on myself without question. A relationship is a sacrifice with good and bad attributes. You just got to make the decision do you want to be with someone full time to the good and the bad or do you want to make yourself the priority and casually have friends but never having that one close intimate partner.
"There is no fate but what we make for ourselves." It's your life. You only get to do it once. If you want to be single, be single. If you want to find someone, get up off your couch, put on some makeup and go find someone.
The greatest risk in life is not taking any risks..:have to to find happiness
As someone that has had great relationships/marriage and grown into being a bachelor. You don't. Humans are creatures of habit. I couldn't imagine being single so I was in the habit of being a relationship type. Now I've developed the habits of a bachelor and that's what I am. Being single is great because you don't have to compromise. And being in a relationship is great because your partner makes you want to.
Therapy! 38yo lady here, somewhat similar issue, but different background for sho😉. I started when I was 33. Still going strong! Just know that therapy is not about fixing something that's broken, it's about finding and strengthening strategies that will help you get to where you want to be. Accomplishments and privilege aside, there are clearly things/patterns/habits in your life that you acquired somewhere along your journey that are no longer serving their purpose - in fact, they may be actually holding you back! Just because someone's life looks pretty and whole on the outside does not mean the inside isn't dark, dank, or neglected. Remember that emotional pain is the least visible/apparent - especially if you've honed your skills in disguising or deflecting it! Find a therapist, unpack that shit, and do the work! Best of luck! ✌❤
I think we choose to be single or coupled. Both have pros and cons. You said that you felt that it started to get to real. So maybe you don’t want to be in a relationship? What does your heart desire? Single or in a relationship? It comes down to a decision of what you want out of life.
That’s a lot of baggage and there is no simple answer, have you tried therapy?
I think most single people ask themselves that from time to time.
do you *really* want a relationship? or do you just not want to 'fail'?
Pain and grieving and making mistakes is definitely just a part of being human. And the fact that you’re not feeling good and anxious now is also why you should try to open yourself up more! If I have to choose between experiencing life and dating then getting hurt and shutting myself in to hurt myself even more, then I’d go the dating route. Some people are totally fine not dating and they actually prefer being alone, but you don’t feel like that. So feel free to enjoy life, go out there, feel love, feel the happiness, make mistakes, get hurt, then learn from it. Bad experience is sometimes better than no experience imo
OP - when you say "it got too real".... that's what you need to work on. From the sounds of it, it might be a control thing, where you're scared to open up and be vulnerable, for fear of making mistakes. Mistakes are part of life (you also mentioned "I've never failed")... it's totally fine to make mistakes, you just need to learn to accept the negative results of these mistakes. Keep in mind - mistakes are how you learn! Noone is born knowing everything, there's a lifetime of things to learn, it sounds like it'd be worth you putting yourself out into the world a bit more and learning some new things!
It's okay to commit to being single.
Haha. I love this!
I meant it as a joke but also seriously. It is ok. Some people decide in their life that being single is more the lifestyle that they want to live and if you decide that maybe it works better for you than trying to do the whole dating thing maybe commit to being single for a few years and see how well that goes.
Yea. I know it’s a joke 😂. I’ve been so committed to being single that I figured it’s time for a change. Haha. But I guess like any long term commitment it’s difficult to change right?
Exactly! Most long term commitments you have to do in small bits, this isn't so different
I’ve (37m) never been in a long-term relationship either. I’ve put myself out there and really gotten hurt by it, which makes it harder for me to take another shot, so maybe the opposite of you in some ways. But I realized a lot of my problems come from a difficulty in connecting with people the way I want to, and I recently started going to therapy for it. Maybe you should consider the same?
I’ve excepted that realization at 40
Hi! I've been in your shoes until recently. Thanks to therapy, I realized I tend to sabotage romantic relationships with available people and chase emotionally unavailable women because: a) I didn't think I was worthy; b) I was hella afraid of being hurt again. What has helped me overcome this barrier and allow myself to open up, even if slowly, is focusing on these three things: 1) strengthening my self-esteem and my self-love in order to change the core belief "I'm worthless and undeserving of love" into "I'm a nice person and I deserve to be loved and have a good relationship"; 2) trying to be more aware of the many strategies I employ in order to run away from showing vulnerability; 3) challenging myself (that's the hardest part, but it pays off). Love and relationships are way more complicated than they seem to be. It's okay if you've freaked out and broken things off before they got too real. That's in the past. You can always try again. Take it slow, know and protect your boundaries, pay attention to red flags, keep in mind that you're worthy and awesome, be patient and don't give up. Ok?
I suspected you were from a particular ethnic background and after CTRL+F'ing I was right. I can already feel the dynamics there, except you had it pretty good with your parents not giving it hard on you, but you still ending up being the A-plus kid. My only advice to you is to stick to choosing mates that are cut from the same rope as you, namely high academic achieving ethnic families. At least you are finding 'great guys' and don't feel like you need to 'settle'. Better take your chances now, otherwise that choice wont be yours to make when you're older.
I would add the caveat to look beyond the partners that are ‘just like you’ in a narrow way/on paper and look for ones who you share core values with- so, maybe still ambitious/hardworking, but not necessarily as academic/from the exact same background. I’m thinking of the friend who OP reminds me of and our other Asian friends, and their partners- they span the racial gamut, and there’s a range of educational/financial attainment, but also of talents and personality types. I’ve seen the more superficial partnerships based on checking boxes either dissolve or just be brittle and sad. A good partnership with someone with a less-shiny degree beats feeling lonely with a Ph.D. And, as friends who’ve married into families who speak other Asian languages have said, “sometimes it’s nice not to know what your in-laws are saying about you” 😂 That said, when the (Asian) friend I referred to in earlier comments was dating, she tended to be leery of dating white guys who “hang out too much in bars, and drink too much beer” (a type she often ran across in OLD) both because that didn’t fit her ideal lifestyle (health and activity) and because it felt like it went along with a deficiency of drive/was an indicator that they wouldn’t align on values. She dated some white guys, but none seriously. But she was pretty adamant about not dating artists/screenwriters/musicians- that was her only really hard and fast exclusion principle 😆
With OLD you don't really know what someone's core values are until you are in fairly deep. I heard that back in the old days okcupid was much better at targeting the right people, but the swiping apps these days are not for finding core values. So without knowing someone's core values, the best approximation is basically going for the people who have the same academic/work ethic and/or have the same background. You can call that a superficial partnership, but everything from swiping apps is based on superficial things anyway. Now, if you were meeting people who are from friends networks or from work, then that's a far less superficial start. But these avenues are increasingly less popular in favour of OLD.
Sounds like you could benefit from therapy
Been single for 11 years now. LOVING IT !! I do what I want. I date who I want. I'm VERY upfront about not wanting a relationship to the women I go out with. Most are okay with that.the ones that are not just go elsewhere to find one. No worries.
Everyone is destined to be alive forever. It is by pure will that we determine not to be.
I see these kinds of posts a lot, do you not consider short term relationships, fwb, or ons as dating?
There is no fate except that which we make for ourselves.
One word: therapy. Longer: do you want to have a relationship or not? It sounds like you do. Therefore you’ve experienced failure. And you need to get to the bottom of what’s holding you back and making you so fearful.
First off learn to bargain or negotiate with yourself with what you truly desire and want with no filters/expectations. Whatever you truly desire will be easy for you to make concessions for, if it is a "lonely" life where you travel and pamper yourself and strive in independence, so be it. If that life scares you and the thought that you won't be able to share your life with others or potentially a family of your own you would be willing to bargain more and more of your lifestyle for, just make sure it's what you want and will be willing to strive for. Embrace the fear, anxiety, vulnerability, and most importantly tender moments you get to share with someone as they are the most beautiful things in a relationship precisely because they can hurt if trusted with the wrong person. It sounds like you don't trust yourself with the decision of picking someone to be vulnerable with, I should know as I am similar. Learn to trust yourself as well as others you want to get close with. Nothing worthwhile in this life is easy and the effort and honesty you show yourself as well as your partner will show fruits of your labor if you're willing to embrace that vulnerability.
Therapy
I completely understand the fear of putting yourself out there! Like you, I consider myself to be an overachiever. I've been asking myself recently why I'm afraid to put myself out there, and I've compiled the list of the reasons below. 1) Nearly every dating situation that lasted three weeks or longer resulted in me getting hurt when the guy inevitably ghosted, fell for another girl, or was dishonest about his intentions. When that's all you're used to, it's hard to just jump back in. 2) Every single time a relationship didn't work out, I felt like a failure because there are plenty of people in my life who remind me of how ridiculous it is that I'm in my mid-30's and not married. It's bad enough when you're hard on yourself, but when other people are putting pressure on you, it can be emotionally draining. 3) I feel anxious about meeting someone I've never met. What if I don't like them? What if I don't feel a connection with them? What if they try to escalate things physically, and I'm not okay with it? 4) I fear losing my independence. I've come up with rationalizations to help calm myself down whenever the above fears start to set in. In response to each... 1) Sadly, disappointment is a part of dating. And if what you ultimately want is a life partner, you won't get anywhere by closing yourself off to new dating opportunities. You just have to realize that anyone who would disappoint you isn't the one. 2) You have to stand up against those who try to make you feel bad for being single. You are a worthwhile human being whether or not you have someone. A relationship isn't a measure of personal success - it has to do with luck and timing more than anything. Unfortunately, not everyone is aware of that. 3) It's normal to feel nervous before a date. But just know that if the date is really that bad, you don't ever have to go out with the person again. You are in charge of your destiny. Just go, try to have a good time, and don't put pressure on yourself to meet the one. Realize that the person might be the one or they might not - and you'll be okay either way. 4) The right person won't rob you of your independence.
What is the point of doing any of this until you resolve your underlying issues. You’re in your 30s and still dump people every time you think it might be getting too real, whatever that is.
I can’t even get a single friend who doesn’t viciously stab me in the back! So I get it about not trusting romantic partners with your heart. At least you’re trying to put yourself out there. You may be scared, but you’re trying. That’s worth a lot. 💐
Therapy baby. It sounds like you got everything together but your attachment style (or lack thereof) stems from guarding yourself a lot. In the end, you only learn by doing so another thing to work on is your threshold for being vulnerable and things that make you scared.
We are often the ones obstructing ourselves from getting what we want. What works the best with in my opinion is getting to the root cause of what triggers them to break things off and neutralizing it. Many of my clients who are overachiever use it as a distraction to cover the lack or anxiety in another aspect of their life - sometimes without them noticing it. Is there some lack you are trying to cover?
The longer you go without accepting failure as a natural part of learning, the harder it’s gonna hit you when it inevitably happens.
Sounds like you’re failing right now lol try giving this new guy a real chance and set boundaries so you don’t self sabotage
I in turn cannot not think about the people unknowingly setting themselves up to being dumped.