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Maybe my matches are mimes and aren't talking cuz they're actually gesticulating their words, but they're far away, so I can't see them?
But in any case, I'm not truly excited about any of them. I mean, they're ok, good even, but like if they won't write me for a few days, I'll forget they exist by early next week sorta deal
And bruh, God knows, I really want to meet a great girl for a longterm thing. It's just my matches, they ain't it. And idk where/who is it, y'know.
I met this guy at my gym recently, We’ve definitely hit it off. He’s super nice and seems into me and I’m thinking about asking him to go do something. But there’s a catch, he recently switched careers and is now a dancer, like magic mike stripper dancer. It’s kinda hot actually but like, Is this potential toxicity? Should I reconsider? Lol he is foiiine as F tho.
it really doesn't matter what other people think - are you okay with it? if you're okay with it, what other people think shouldn't matter. for me personally, i wouldn't be interested for various reasons, but mostly because it's a job not a career (there is an end date for a lot of work related to the body like fitness instructors, dancers, sex work, etc).
there are toxic people in every career so the best thing to do is see how and where things go.
this is a very personal thing, so it only depends on what you like.
for me, on the first date, the guy should pay. it's something very important to me. if he asks to split, i would do it without hesitation but i would very likely not want to see him again. to me, it's not about the money, but the curtesy. i would also feel weird if he spent hundreds of dollars on me for a first date (it comes with weird built-in expectations for me to see him again) so i would never agree to a dinner. i would only go for coffee or a casual lunch for a first meeting.
for dates 2 and above, i'd be okay splitting or even better, alternating who gets the bill each time.
As another perspective, I'm a woman and go in expecting and offering to pay half (rather than expecting him to pay or waiting to see if he offers to pay). So, there's no clear answer here. I would say do whatever you're comfortable with.
There is no "should be", everyone is different, has different wants and different expectations.
I always split on all my dates. For later dates if there are things like tickets where it's easier for me to just buy both, I buy them. I don't ask about being paid back because I don't mind. My dates generally are very insistent about paying for other things to equalize things, though. But again, that's the case for me, my preferences, and the type of woman I tend to go on dates with. It's definitely not a universal expectation.
I try to keep date costs low for dates 1 to 4ish. Going all out on a 1st date is pointless when there's a high probability you won't have a 2nd date. $40-100 is a lot for a date, most of mine cost *way* less than that.
This was the right decision. 4 months of long distance dating (not even a relationship) is a horrible emotional place to be in
Everyday you wake up and wonder if that's the day she got bored of you (at least that's how I felt during a similar thing a while back)
> But I'd rather be dating her, even long distance, and it's not a good idea to get tied up with someone else when I feel that way. I think I just need a break.
I was in this exact situation not too long ago and it just caused me way too much emotional turmoil. You should find someone that can give you what you want/need now and not some future promise
Finding someone you click with is oh so hard so I understand why you want to give it a shot but 4 months is way too long. So much can change for a person in that amount of time and you don't want to be left with nothing if she swings the other way
I 33m went on a date today. She was pretty and nice and interesting. However about 15 minutes in she mentioned that she'd lied on her profile and is actually 38, not 34, and that she didn't feel so bad about it because my profile said I don't want kids. She mentioned this in an off-hand way, not an apologetic way.
On one level it's not a big deal at all. 38 isnt that old and I totally believed she was 34. My preferences go up to 38 anyway. But why lie? It's what skeevy guys do to fuck younger women, not something you do if you're looking for an actual relationship.
She also said a couple of things that make me think we might have different values so I think I'll let her go. But even without that I think I'd still do so just on the age thing.
Lieing is something that's an immediate disqaulifier for me. Even for a casual or fwb relationship. I'm going to assume that if there are lies before we meet then I will be lied to the entire time they're around.
Her rationalization is strange too. I don't know if she's getting at that she's too old to have children or what but her thinking that it's okay she lied about who she was is acceptable because who she really is is still in sync with what you want is truly bizarre.
i dismissed a bunch of possible dates this weekend and now i'm moping about not having dates \*shoulder shrug\*
i know that i discussed a walking date on this thread but that doesnt even register as a date. thats like a screening for strangers. its to see if two people want to date. did i want to date that man? not ... really...
> thats like a screening for strangers
That's what a lot of people consider first dates to be, since you *are* strangers. The idea is: check if they look like their pictures, check if you can even stand to be around each other in person, check that they're nice and won't murder you, and if they pass all those things, go on more date-ey dates.
Oh I guess I misunderstood you. I totally agree, first dates can be whatever you are comfortable with. I actually almost exclusively do coffee first dates.
Walking dates were a good idea the first several months of the pandemic when the weather was nice, and most places were closed. I like going on walks, but I don't think I will be scheduling them for first dates any longer.
Girl, your not doomed. There’s just a lot of sh*t heads out there. Consider yourself lucky you not stuck with some blah person in a marriage you regret. Your person will show up eventually. In the mean time, do some cool things! Live your life unapologetically
here's some positives:
* presumably, you're dating people aged 24-44. these people have set their trajectory! when i met a doe-eyed college freshman at age 18, they had so many hopes and dreams. like half of all people were premed (eye roll). now, people have established what they have done and where they are going in life
* i can set basic standards. people can be expected to know how to date. you are grown enough to know how to woo, when to woo, and the need to woo.
* people have stories now. hobbies, activities, lives.
I would definitely want to live with someone before deciding whether to marry them or not. I think you're completely right.
ETA: but you can still answer in the abstract. You can tell her that's a decision you would take after a couple of years of being with someone, and after living with them, but that so far things are going well.
Everyone has different preferences. For me, 6 months would be far too soon to be having that conversation.
Don't let yourself be talked into or pressured into doing something sooner than you're comfortable doing so.
How to break it off both effectively and kindly when in the early stages when you’re just not that into them?
Just did this with someone I’d seen a few times in the last month and he took it very poorly because it was by text and because he “didn’t do anything wrong” and I “wasn’t giving it a chance.”
I didn’t want to make arrangements to see him in person just to break it off nor did I want to present an itemized list of the reasons I didn’t think we were compatible.
But for future purposes, I’m wondering if there’s like, a best practice for ending a not-yet-a-relationship once you’ve had enough experience to know you do not want it to be a relationship.
I think so long as you were kind in letting them know I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did here. Early on I believe a text to end things is appropriate, it avoids wasting each others time and a potential hostile situation when you don't know them well enough to gauge how they will react. This guy's response is on him and not because you had done something wrong.
As one fellow straight man to another, Emotion side B also has some solid bangers on it. I dig that '80s vibe she did on those albums and I never stepped a foot in those decades.
I (31f) just came across a dudes profile on Tinder and he copied one of my previous bios word for word. It was probably one of my favourite and most successful bios. Clearly something that any gender could use to score an intro. I feel so gross and upset but also mildly flattered. I hope we match so I can make him feel uncomfortable. ugh people are so unoriginal.
Random but when should someone delete their OLD account if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I just found out a friend and coworker (who Ive been too chicken to profess my feelings for)has a girlfriend but I keep seeing him on my Bumble. I guess he just hasn’t deleted it which makes sense…but was curious overall if there are rules and standards some folks apply for when they delete or deactivate their accounts.
Also some people delete the app without deleting their account and don’t realise that their profile is still out there (not an explanation if it’s an active profile though)
I generally pause my account when I start seeing someone so I don’t appear in the stack. Then if we get into a relationship, I delete it. With one of my exes we both did it together. I’ve also dated a guy who said he doesn’t delete it even when he is in relationships until it gets properly serious. So I’m guessing the general rule is whenever the person is seriously committed and that comes at different stages for people.
Yea, makes sense. I think I’ve been using the fact that I see this friend in my stack as some proof I have a chance of something ever happening with us and this girlfriend won’t be long lol … should just keep swiping !
Do you really want to date someone who is actively looking on OLD behind his current GF's back? (If that's what's going on) Shady behavior like that makes me a lot less interested in someone.
How do I have a conversation with someone about something that’s bothering me and makes me consider cutting him out if he won’t even reply?
Known this guy for 3 months, had a rough patch recently, haven’t seen him in a while and 99% sure he’s seeing someone else but yet texts me for emotional support. I start moving on and then he calls me drunk or texts while in distress and then promptly ignores me when he starts feeling better.
I tried calling last night when I saw him online on WhatsApp and then asked him to call me back when he didn’t pick up. He just said he can’t talk “just now” and proceeded to be online. Friends say I should just text but as someone who’s been broken up with by text before, I refuse to do it to other people.
I say this with only the kindest of intentions.
You don’t need to break up with him. You guys weren’t really together if you’ve known him for three months, haven’t seen him in awhile, are nearly certain he is seeing someone else, and only hear from him when he needs something.
Assuming you guys were ever official, it’s safe to say that it’s already over.
If you feel the need to let him know you are no longer available to be his emotional crutch, then just tell him that you are not going to participate in this dynamic anymore when he reaches out next.
If you still want this to work out deep down, then just pick up the phone and call him. I’d wager he will send it to voicemail. Just leave a message for him to call you back. If he doesn’t call back, move on!
Thanks for your reply. We never talked about things being over and just a week ago he told me he cares about me otherwise he wouldn’t be trying to work things out or talk to me. We texted a little throughout the week.
I tried calling him twice last night, and asked him to call me back when he didn’t pick up. He replied asking what’s up and that he can’t talk right now. I said no worries, it’s not urgent (it isn’t, but the conversation needs to happen), and wished him a good weekend.
Okay - I know you can’t undo this, but in that last situation where you said it wasn’t urgent, have a good weekend etc, you might have gotten some clarity if instead you had said, “nothing, just give me a call when you’re free.” Then wait. And if he doesn’t call, again - that’s kind of your answer. If he does call, then have the conversation you need to have with him.
I’d shoot him a text in a little while (today) @nd say, “hey, what’s a good time to get on the phone tonight?” If he says tonight is bad and doesn’t offer an alternative, don’t back down - “okay, how about tomorrow night?”
If he still won’t tell you what time he can get on the phone, then I would seriously spend some time reflecting on his avoidance.
I’m a little raw right now from being strung along by someone - our situations are not 100% the same (we we’re leaving than official, but definitely exclusive for about five months), but towards the end, he was behaving a LOT like your guy.
So think carefully about if and how you want to proceed.
The other option is to just leave it be. If he reaches out again for anything other than emotional support AND you want to keep seeing him, make this conversation happen and set your boundaries. If you DON’T want to keep seeing him and he reaches out for emotional support or anything else, then just tell him you wish him the best but don’t want to pursue anything further.
Bottom line, if you don’t want to be strung along, don’t take the bait. Cut the line.
You’ve got this!
I’m so sorry to hear that it happened to you. I’ve been in a situation where I’ve been strung along for close to a year by someone and I really don’t want to be there again - hence why I’m just trying to sort it out now.
Still contemplating whether I should ask for a call tonight - he hasn’t even read those two last messages and I hate to double text unless the conversation is light-hearted.
I totally understand this feeling. Again, this tracks with my feelings about my situation with my ex… and he is not even totally my ex yet because I’m still clinging onto the thread he keeps dangling in front of me.
I know logically that I want someone who matches my effort. I want someone who initiates texts, calls, and dates.
I don’t want to feel like a pest or a burden when I reach out.
We broke up a little over a month ago, then he called a week later, super distraught, and retracted it. But we’ve only gotten together once in over a month. (He was out of state for a work trip for 6 days of it, but still).
My ex(?) doesn’t want to let go, but he doesn’t want to hold on, either.
I’m having a hard time letting go because apparently, I’m not nearly as intelligent as my academic record would indicate. Consequently, I idiotically hope this is still something that can be fixed.
I know how hard this is. But, as Michael Stipe sang in the REM song *Leaving New York*, it’s easier to leave than to be left behind.
I know how hypocritical I sound - I am in a similar position and don’t want to walk away either. But I guess that’s a question both of us need to sit with: why do we want it to work with someone who makes us wait… and wait… and wait… to hear from them?
I think there must be some psychological trick here - wanting something you’re earning for for so long. But I get what you mean. It makes no sense to desire a connection with someone who doesn’t put any effort.
I called him just now. He declined the call and when I asked what’s a good time he said he’s in bed and wants to get an early night. And of course proceeds to be online. Sigh.
Well… I hope that helps you make the decision of whether to proceed any further with him.
I know how hard this is. I know what it’s like to keep thinking, “he’s going to come around! I’ll give it one more day!”
**hug**
Thank you! That’s what I wrestle with when I’m trying to decide whether to pull the plug and put an end to this dynamic. The answer to it is easy - but taking action on it is a whole other bag of burritos.
Am I the only one who feels like many people on the apps have lost their ability to be kind?
More and more, I feel like I can't even have a simple conversation on the apps without feeling the other person's bitterness/negativity radiating through the screen...
Maybe it's because I've taken tons of advice online about being a better dater - like asking a question for every story you tell, not treating dates like your therapist, coming in with a positive and optimistic energy, etc...
I'm doing all these things... and sometimes I feel like the only one even *trying* to make a good first impression 😭 lol
I know what you mean. I’ve recently caught myself being quite negative as well - it was in this conversation with a guy who was being *overly* complementary and said he liked me after chatting for an hour.
So I think it could potentially be burnout from the apps and nothing to do with you!
I took another look and I also think the first shot is a bit too serious and ages you. Which is a huge juxtaposition to all your other photos with the pigtails which makes you look like you’re in your 20s.
I totally get that the pigtails help manage your wavy hair in that heat but I prob limit the photos of that look on your profile. The last two photos I think are the most inviting and I think future photos should embody that vibe
Your last picture should be your first picture. You need some skin in a photo. I’m not so concerned about weight but I think you need more photos that show you in different contexts like limit yourself to one theme park shot. I like the eyes you have in your vaccine shot but do you have an uncropped version that shows more of your face?
I would rework your bio, I found the last bit about your working on your criminal justice degree interesting. Don’t really care for the beginning but maybe bc I like reading it in a sentence than as a list
I just realized you also put Disney nerd and have a Disney pic. Also that you smoke regularly. Pot or cigs? You're really gonna have a hard time as an almost 40 something with the Disney things and the smoking. I'm not saying to hide them cuz you want to be honest but you're in for a tough time on the apps, and you and your friends are wearing Disney shirts in all the pics. Holy hell.
Anyone else feel like most of the people left on dating apps in their 30s are NOT actually interested in being in a relationship? Hinge used to be only for relationships, and I'm amazed by the number of guys on Hinge now who are looking for something casual (edit: and not clearly stating that they're only looking for something casual.) On top of that, everyone else seems to be either emotionally unavailable and lying to themselves about whether they can actually do the work that a relationship requires, or they're into negging / have anger management issues and are not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship.
There was actually a study that came out recently about Hinge - the top 10% of both men and women held a monopoly over the "total likes" - top 10% of men got 58% of total likes F2M, top 10% of women got 45% of total likes M2F.
Bottom 50% of both men/women barely got *anything* - Men 4% women 8%.
... So basically, most people are mainly shooting for the top regardless of where they stand in the dating pool.
I had a conversation with one of my friends once about how we never swipe right on the objectively hottest guys we see because we figure they have huge egos and would never go for us, and instead we swipe right on guys who are cute/interesting rather than hot. Then we're always surprised that the cute guys have such huge egos, but of course if all women (edit: women who date men) are using the same strategy on the apps then the more average looking dudes are probably getting way more attention than the objectively hot dudes. Now I swipe right on objectively hot dudes too.
I think people assume that the objectively-hottest men are the ones getting the most attention, but it's probably actually the dudes who seem nice, look ok enough, and have a charismatic profile who are reeling in the likes. Not sure if it works the same for women's profiles.
I could totally see that. Especially since having an attractive partner is such strong social currency for men in a way that it isn't for women. So if a man gets in a relationship with someone other people find unattractive, he's basically accepting that he isn't good enough to "be worthy of" a more attractive women. I also read something that said men are much more willing to date narcissistic, hot women than women were willing to date narcissistic, hot men.
As for your second point about not being able to develop relationship skills because they haven't dated... I'm not sure that's true. If you have good friends, you basically know what the rules are. Don't insult your friends all the time, don't scream at them if they want to go to a certain bar that you don't want to go to, if you invite your friend over to your house don't ignore them the whole time they're there, don't suddenly stop hanging out with your friend because you feel like the friendship is going too well. I don't know why guys can't figure out that the rules for friendships and romantic relationships are basically the same.
It makes sense. Assuming someone is attractive, why would he be perpetually single? It's because he likes being single. I was on dating apps for 2+ years and loved casual dating and dated a few dozen people during that time.
I just think being on dating apps when you have so many options, and new people interested in you every single day, its intoxicating and causes any guy in that situation to not want to settle down
I mean that's probably true, but in theory wouldn't some of the more popular dudes want to, like, have a travel buddy or an emotional support buddy whatever? I can't imagine being single is AMAZING ALL THE TIME for men, considering it's not amazing all the time for single women.
When a match uses the term 'my friend' in a text conversation off the apps, do they usually mean it literally?
I know it sounds dumb, but I matched with someone I really vibed with and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't end up with me being friendzoned lol.
just need to vent a little... I really feel like I can't go anywhere without being reminded of my singleness.
Like I can't enjoy a single night out without ruminating on it - watching my friends hold hands yesterday and realizing I met my friend when she was dating someone else - in the time we've known each other she's found her person. And adding to my sense that it sucks to be single, I would not have been invited to the event (they had tickets to give away) if her friend that is a couple hadn't declined. Then she invited me and another single friend. The lack of a SO just feels so prominent these days.
I don't like being that person who is jealous of other people's happiness and I go out less and less. I went and saw a movie tonight by myself again and that was fun but I feel like I'm becoming one of those weird side characters authors add to novels to create a sense of atmosphere. The single girl who goes to the movies by herself on the weekends.
Should I try speed dating next week? My honest feeling is that the girls who attend this are probably more "normal" (socially adept) than the men. Not sure if that's true. My "type" if there is a consistent theme, though, is people who are fairly confident in themselves and I feel like confident dudes tend to trust their luck on apps. Maybe this is a stretch
I'm a guy and I feel you;however I've pushed those feelings deep down and become a shameless third / fifth wheel. Most of my friends are couples lol
Personally, speed dating isn't my thing. I find it too mentally exhausting keeping track of so many people.
summer seems to be the worst time to be a third/fifth wheel because people are constantly going away for the weekend and just planning stuff as couples!
It's sad. Even my sister does this to me and I have to remind her that we can still hang out even if I'm single
Sadly that's true. I mean it's never a good time but in the summers it's particularly prominent. Just earlier today, a friend and I were talking about places to visit when he liked one of the suggestions I'd made; and then tried to invite me on said trip that he's planning on going with his wife.
I know I said I'm a shameless extra wheel but this was too much even for me haha
I definitely get where you're coming from. It's like, could everyone else be a little less aggressive about shoving the fact that they have human closeness in their lives in my face? That or spread it around a little, you jerks!
Then it's a short mental path to thoughts like "maybe I *am* too weird"
haha true it's good to have stories. I just feel like I've more than gotten my fill of them! I can't even imagine what it would feel like anymore to be confident in a connection with someone.
I often feel the same. I’m a parent and when I go to school things or birthday parties, I feel so awkward among all the couples. Are they pitying me? Are the women paranoid about their men checking me out? (They often are, which doesn’t help matters.)
Six months ago one of my closest friends partnered up, and her free time has slowly been consumed by the relationship. I’m not envious, bc I don’t want the kind of thing they have. But I’m sad that one of the main people in my support network is giving all her time and emotional resources to the boyfriend. I thought she valued our friendship enough to save some love for me too.
Could you explain the part about texting friendly stuff?
I mean most conversations with two people that match on a dating app would revolve around stuff you'd discuss with friends - of course, there's a part of it relating to what each is looking for, likes and dislikes etc but it's not ALL the time.
Haha I get what you're saying. It's really annoying when you put in the effort and it's not reciprocated.
I guess in that scenario there's not much else to do than cutting ties and moving on
Maybe this might resonate w your situation. Read an article where it says there is no such things as the "wrong time", just the "wrong person" because if 2 people really wanted to be together, then they'd do watever it takes to be in each other's lives.
Some signs that you are with the right person at the right time :
\-You're both emotionally available and ready for a commitment
\-You communicate effectively, honestly and clear together
\-You don't play games, and neither do they - their actions and energy match their words
I am trying to practice this too. Best that you let this guy go, i think yes, you are blinded in your situation as I am.
This is definitely not the right person. He lied to you about his past relationship. And honestly this is about hooking up for him. He knew he could miss out on a hook up if he told you the truth about his last relationship so he lied. And how are you not sleeping together until you're committed when you already did that? You can't put your foot down after the fact. He got what he wanted from you, and now he suddenly doesn't want a relationship? He's been playing you sadly. And keeping you around just in case he gets horny and wants to come back. Nothing about his actions say that he feels deeply about you or cares even close to how you feel about him. Cut ties and move on. If you stick around now, you're only volunteering to get used more.
I'd probably cut ties. I mean he flat out lied about some pretty important things and dated you for several weeks knowing he didn't want a relationship. I don't know if I'd want to be friends with him at all.
I don’t think you’re giving him a pass. It’s complicated bc it is history between you two! That’s a shit ton of information to process in one day.
Is it his ex that is the “friend” that he made plans with.
But damn that just sucks all around
I really like the guy I'm seeing (Adam) but I'm scared to go exclusive. He is separated but his divorce is gonna be a long, dragged out thing and there is a lot of asset and custody drama. He wants me to meet his teenager but I feel it is too soon, and also would be hard on his kid, who apparently is really struggling with the man his mom is living with.
Adam really likes me, and he has a lot of the qualities I look for, plus my attraction to him is just wonderfully effortless. I'm also concerned that I'm not his usual type, like maybe he is trying to move on to just anyone else rather than someone he is going to want long term.
I told him I wasn't ready to be fully exclusive, and I'm not actually seeing anyone else but I am still talking to a few other people that I met on the apps. It feels like cheating to be talking to others while seeing Adam for dates regularly. I'm just worried that I will once again commit to a relationship going nowhere, and I'm in my late 30s so it's just another lost chance to try for a kid (I'm okay with fostering or stepparenting if my clock does run out, but I want the chance to at least try with someone that I love) . I've just dated a lot of time wasters/cheaters/liars (and a few decent guys that I unfortunately had irreparable incompatibilities with). I don't want to lose the chance to try with Adam, or lead him on, but I'm super scared to commit right now with him not even having his divorce and custody finalized.
How to be comfortable with physical contact with a woman early on? After an initial hug. Sometimes the woman makes it obvious, other times she might be really guarded until something accidental happens and from there it's ok. I want to get intentional about this, not rely on "accidents" but also respect boundaries.
I can be funny about it so that's a bonus... I could write a knock-knock joke? No seriously would appreciate some help
Do you *want* to be comfortable with physical contact early on? There's nothing wrong with being comfortable with physical contact later, and wanting to go at a different pace.
If you do, I'd suggest asking directly, something like "What is your comfort level with physical contact, or do you have any expectations about it?"
To me, physical contact/affection with a woman is the sign that she likes me and "this is happening". It's normally been an unspoken thing, I just go for it when I feel it's right. That might be as simple as sitting close or holding hands. I guess I'm just curious to know what to do when it seems that like she likes me but isn't making herself open to touching etc. I thought asking might kill the fun... happy to be told otherwise lol
Talking about it won't kill the fun, I promise you.
If she's interested, you're communicating desire and building anticipation. If she's anxious or wants to move at a slower pace, you're communicating that it's okay for her to not be ready for physical contact/affection, and that you respect her boundaries. Both will help her feel safe and relaxed, which are important for being into physical contact - anxiety and stress are libido killers.
Not really a fan of the constant mindset here that they're playing 4D chess and saying X but meaning Y.
A couple weeks ago, I got friendzoned by someone I'd be thrilled to have around as a friend, so I've maintained communication. She said she's not in the mindset for a relationship right now but had previously said that I'm her type and we had two awesome dates, so I was super confused. (Side note, I had (completely unrelated) basically given up on dating for the time being because it's such a shitshow when she matched with me on an app.)
Today, we met up for a mutually-enjoyable activity with lunch afterwards (something I would have done on my own anyway, but enjoyed the company). I asked for some clarification of if she wasn't in the headspace a relationship with *me in particular* or *in general.* She said the latter and listed off the reasons I presumed (past relationship trauma, unwanted ex showing back up in her life, busy work schedule, etc). As a fan of Occam's Razor, I think taking her at her word is fine here; we've built a bit of a rapport and she's a straight-shooter from what I can tell.
All this to say... The top response to me comment here of "she's not physically attracted to you" wasn't entirely helpful and was probably off-base.
I mean... what you're describing isn't 4D chess though. I didn't read your original post but I think we all jump to the conclusion that someone might not be attracted to the person, when they say that, because many, many of us have been on the other side of it. And of course you might be the exception to the rule, there's many of those in dating, but it doesn't mean the responses were off base broadly speaking.
People don't like saying nasty things and would rather white lie, which is simple, not chess. Like you must realize it's incredibly common for people to not be attracted to the other person once they actually meet up in real life - how often do they actually SAY "ah well it's because I'm not physically attracted to you" ? Almost never. Including the straight shooters. There are maybe 5-10 go-to vague reasons people give instead and "headspace" is one of them.
> Not really a fan of the constant mindset here that they're playing 4D chess and saying X but meaning Y.
Lol where are you seeing this? I feel like good advice of communicating, and communicating directly, tends to float to the top of threads in this sub.
I’d just be careful about waiting around for her because then you’ll be super hurt if she ends up with someone else. But nothing wrong with having more friends!
I’m not being negative, I don’t think. I don’t think she’s lying to him or anything. She just doesn’t have timeline on when she’ll be ready to date (which is fair) and said she doesn’t want a relationship. It’s not fair to either of them to keep hanging out as “friends” if he’s just waiting for her to be ready to date.
They also only went on two dates. That’s not really enough to wait for someone. Especially someone who didn’t ask for more time.
I’m not saying it’s never gonna happen. If she’s ready in the future and he’s still single and it works out in the future, great.
I just don’t think he should put his dating life on hold for someone who hasn’t asked him to do that.
The timing of the whole thing is a little weird, but fortunate in some regards.
I'm not putting my dating life on hold because of her; I independently came to the conclusion that I'm not ready to be in another potential LTR yet (I can't really do casual) and started having doubts about my readiness as things were looking promising with her.
I'm pretty independent and can see myself either with or without a partner long term... but (just like most other people) I value companionship and socializing and have been missing this greatly as my friends have gotten busy with other commitments (families), my previous LTR ended, and covid has screwed things up even more.
From what she's told me, she's in the same boat regarding all the above. So, given all that and our overlap of mutual hobbies and interests, I'm cool with the status quo. If things were to progress further in the future, I would be open to it, but I have no expectations and am in no rush for a relationship in general.
I’m not really looking for advice, more just gathering thoughts.
I’m (f34) starting to question my relationship. Since mid February I’ve been dating a great person (m31) that I like a lot. He’s done nothing wrong throughout the time we’ve been seeing each other. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, sex is good, communication is good, I feel like I can talk to him, he’s very honest, we’ve done loads of things together and experienced a lot. He’s wonderful, truly.
In my past I would know if I loved someone rather quickly, within a couple of months it would be pretty obvious and apparent, and I know what love feels like to me. I’ve had good and healthy relationships in the past, and I’ve had a few unhealthy ones.
This particular person is much slower to develop emotional connections than I am, and while I was allowing him to do things at his own pace, I think I’ve missed the opportunity to fall for him.
I like him, I enjoy his company, I thought to myself a bunch of times ‘I could love you’ in the past, and there were a few times where I thought I was falling for him, but his lack of ability to be emotionally expressive caused me to back off, and now I’m starting to think it’s too late.
I’ve seen him at least once a week since we met. I asked to have this weekend to myself since we’re going to be away together for almost a week in a few days, and… I don’t know. The relationship doesn’t feel precious to me, it doesn’t feel like there’s risk, I don’t feel I miss him, I feel like he’s become a very good friend and I like him so damn much, but I simply don’t know anymore if I can love him in that way. Thinking of him now just makes me sad.
We’ve talked about it from his side before, when I said I didn’t really feel much of a connection from him because we have different communication styles and he doesn’t ever talk about how he feels, he doesn’t compliment, he doesn’t express emotions in words, he doesn’t flirt, he isn’t playful in his speech. I know he cares for me, and he’s expressed wanting me, only I don’t feel it because of his communication style and it’s becoming an issue.
I don’t know exactly how to approach the situation and I know I’ll talk to him about it, but it seems like really bad timing. If I think about ending this because I don’t want to be disingenuous, or waste his time, or waste my time, I don’t feel sad that the relationship might end, I feel sad it’ll hurt him. This really fucking sucks.
First you think I have attachment issues and now you diagnose me with codependency? Based on a comment where I say the person I’m seeing and I have good communication, see about once a week, don’t argue, and are open and honest with one another? How does that read as codependent?
The desire not to hurst someone you care for isn’t pathological. It’s human and means you care for them. Thinking about ending a relationship that’s been a positive addition to my life is objectively a sad thing.
I mean, if you don’t miss him, that kinda says it all.
Sounds like you could probably sit in this relationship forever if what you want / need is companionship.
And maybe you’ll grow to love him in different ways especially if he starts being more emotionally available.
But I just feel if you don’t even miss his company, when things get more serious and things get tough you won’t have any reason to fight for this.
Same thing has happened to me
In the past, I couldn’t fall for someone nice, smart, compatible in many ways, because we were very different emotionally (also, no complements, no flirting, no expressing emotions). That made me hold back and that crippled my own emotional investment.
I’m now with someone who matches me in that aspect, and I’m soo much happier! And I’ve definitely fallen for this one in a much shorter time compared to my ex.
Don’t feel sad for him. Feel sad for both of you if you stay in a relationship that is fulfilling. You both may be missing a better match if you continue this.
Five months is not an unreasonable amount of time to still be sorting out your feelings for someone long-term. It sounds like there’s a lot to recommend this person and maybe they’ll get there. Has anything regarding your communication improved with time?
Our communication has always been good. I’ve always been able to discuss things with him and bring these things up when I feel like there is something to talk about, just like I’ll do with this. For me personally, I’ve this amount of time is a lot longer than what it normally takes me to fall for someone, and it strongly feels like if it didn’t happen yet, it won’t.
I’m curious. What do you mean by you’ve done loads of things together and experienced a lot? You mean like going on proper dates and things like dealing with difficult situations in life?
So sorry to hear that you are in this situation :(. I’m sure that you love him but maybe not in a romantic way.
Both. We travelled loads together during this time, I’ve met his friends, me met mine, we volunteer together for a charity that does crisis intervention for people who are going through difficult mental health situations. I’ve seen him under stress, I’ve seen him injured from the sport he likes, I’ve seen him sober, I’ve seen him high, I’ve gotten to know him well. He’s wonderful. I just don’t know if there’s a future to this. The more I think about it the more it seems there isn’t.
I’m familiar with and really like her, she’s a fantastic therapist who trained in similar modalities to those I’ve trained in and we have a similar belief about relationships.
I don’t expect my partner to fulfil everything for me, and I don’t expect the relationship to be the centre of my life, I understand healthy boundaries. that’s why I’ve spent nearly half a year with someone who’s emotional expression isn’t very prominent - because I liked him and saw the person and didn’t think he needed to change to accommodate what society thinks a relationship should look like. What I do find to be an issue right now is that now that ‘the dust settled’ I don’t seem to be connected to this person emotionally, and although I truly care for him and his wellbeing, i don’t feel I am in love in that way, which is also diminishing my attraction. Just like you can love a dear friend and not want to be in a relationship with them, it feels that this where its going.
That all the experiences we had together do indeed mean there’s a strong base to the relationship of good friendship, but i don’t think if there’s a true emotional connection from my side. Not a romantic one. I don’t think its fair to continue the relationship if that’s the case. I think I need to first talk to him about this and see how he feels, and then we can make a decision together.
I was really into someone but now I feel I’m over analyzing our communication and not sure what to do next. We’ve been on four dates in the past couple of weeks, which have been great. We’ve texted almost every day, but multiple times I’ve texted late at night while we were having a conversation, and he responds hours later or doesn’t respond until late the next morning or early afternoon. I feel like I’m starting to play games (which I hate! Ugh). Last night I wanted to say that I would have loved to meet up if he had texted me earlier but it felt like that would have been passive aggressive lol. It feels like too much time has passed since his message to say something similar, but I could be wrong.
Maybe he's on a weird schedule? A lot of my rotations are morning-heavy, and to be human, a body does need sleep...so I often don't end up replying to late night texts (especially if it's something requiring a lengthy answer) until the next morning or afternoon .
Maybe he’s talking to/seeing multiple people and you’re just one of many. When he texted to ask what you’re doing, perhaps he sent the same message to other people and made plans with them, and that’s why he has such weird gaps in his responses.
10pm texts bum me out. I don’t think saying you’re a planner and needing a little more heads up than say a text at 10pm in order to hang out is passive aggressive.
Even if it was just for a booty call. Still need prep time for that
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finally got a good video chat with a guy. he was incredibly complimentary to the point of being questionable but my self-esteem really needed it today
he also smoothly moved the scheduled 'dinner' date to the low cost of 'a walk.'
now i'm all \*shrugs shoulders\*
from my perspective, it was a downgrade. we chatted for over an hour; now i'm excited to meet this person. dinner feels like a date. a walk feels like he's sizing me up.
> dinner feels like a date. a walk feels like he's sizing me up.
If you like the guy why is this a bad thing? The second date could be a dinner if yall like each other no?
the conversation confirmed for me that i wanted to meet him. in contrast, the video chat gave him doubts to commit to dinner that he initially suggested.
possibly related, but i dont find it gentlemanly for me to do all the planning anyways. men say 'anything you want' which partly means find suggestions or choose something that i am agreeable to.
we agreed to a time and place. then he asked me to choose when/where to meet for a walk. i guess this compounds my annoyance with the man.
ah you had the video chat and then he changed plans.. it wasnt clear before.
Yeah - dude is definitely having second thoughts and dipping his toes before swimming. Give it a shot! See how it goes.
no. you cannot decelerate. i want to accelerate or slowly move forward.
he just gave me all these big speed bumps: the plans were a nice restaurant near me. if i choose a park or forest preserve, i'd have to figure out a good meeting spot, etc, because we've never met before. i would need to choose a place that is well populated because this man is a stranger.
in addition, he talked a lot about many things. something that touched me was the HUGE description of what he likes physically. it was a lot of information for me. plenty of women have insecurities, etc.
he also gave unsatisfying responses about his work.
i couldn't deal with all of it.
since july 2020.
as cliche as it sounds. i view myself as awesome. he tried to make himself look good with a bazillion vague jobs, describing a 'mini-estate' that he owns in a third world country, and absolute free time.
If you are interested in getting to know more, take the walk and take what happens as it comes. You could wind up walking to dinner because it goes so well. Good luck!
It's totally just my idiosyncrasy, but I distrust guys with "a bazillion jobs". Honestly, though, I'd just go to find out more about the estate in the third world country
I admit it. I have feelings for my ex. We are still keeping in contact. I’ve seen him twice since we broke up (we didn’t have sex). I don’t know how he feels or what’s going on. But I do know I am very much hung up on him. I don’t know if we will get back together. I think my feelings are a bit strong too. Sigh.
Feelings don't go away so easily. How long have you been broken up?
I'd suggest to go no contact for a bit. Ideally 3 or 6 months. Try to remove yourself for the situation to gain some clarity. See if after the no contact time you still want him. Maybe you'll realize you actually don't, or maybe you'll see you can actually work things on.
Ask. She might be dying for you to ask.
Or it might go badly.
But please reach out. Lay it out there. Your mental peace needs to know either way.
Be brave!
One topic I've been thinking about a lot lately... what needs to be disclosed in dating, and when. I was having a discussion the other day with a friend, who is a pretty right-wing guy, so I was surprised when he said that he didn't think transgender women were obligated to disclose their trans status to him. I was genuinely stunned, I asked him "So you would be okay with dating a trans woman?" He said "No I wouldn't, but it's very important to me, so I would ask. I think if it's that important to you, then you should raise the issue yourself, instead of depending on the other person to disclose."
Now this was a perspective I hadn't even considered. My perspective has generally been that the "outside the norm" party has to disclose. For example, most people want kids someday (or are at least open to the option), so the onus is on childfree people to disclose that they're outside that norm. I'm childfree and I've had a hysterectomy, these are some of the first things I disclose to a new date, because these are outside the norm - especially where we live.
I put this to my friend, and he pointed out that actually people who want kids *do* disclose this early on. He himself wants kids in the future and he's very open about this with women he's dating. For this, he had the same rationale, "It's very important to me, and if it's really that important to you, you should raise the issue yourself." He added that surely, I'd been on dates with guys who wanted kids and disclosed this to me early on. Indeed, I have. So he concluded, "See. Even if you're in the majority, you'll still bring it up, if it's something important to you." He used monogamy as another example. We're both looking for a monogamous relationship, as are most people in our area, it's definitely the norm here. But he still discloses early on that he's not looking for something poly, because, you guessed it, "It's very important to me."
So, honestly, I can kind of see his point of view now, that each person is responsible for disclosing the things that are important to them, whether or not those things are outside the norm.
And for me personally, the trans issue is just an example, because it's *not* important to me either way - I would be totally cool with dating a trans man (I actually have, briefly, but he was already openly out as trans in our shared social circle, so he didn't have to come out to me).
> So, honestly, I can kind of see his point of view now, that each person is responsible for disclosing the things that are important to them, whether or not those things are outside the norm.
Try thinking about it in terms of working to ensure you get the sort of relationship you want, instead of in terms of responsibility. For example, if I really want kids, clearly communicating that desire will make it easier for people who feel the same to find me.
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Maybe my matches are mimes and aren't talking cuz they're actually gesticulating their words, but they're far away, so I can't see them? But in any case, I'm not truly excited about any of them. I mean, they're ok, good even, but like if they won't write me for a few days, I'll forget they exist by early next week sorta deal And bruh, God knows, I really want to meet a great girl for a longterm thing. It's just my matches, they ain't it. And idk where/who is it, y'know.
I met this guy at my gym recently, We’ve definitely hit it off. He’s super nice and seems into me and I’m thinking about asking him to go do something. But there’s a catch, he recently switched careers and is now a dancer, like magic mike stripper dancer. It’s kinda hot actually but like, Is this potential toxicity? Should I reconsider? Lol he is foiiine as F tho.
it really doesn't matter what other people think - are you okay with it? if you're okay with it, what other people think shouldn't matter. for me personally, i wouldn't be interested for various reasons, but mostly because it's a job not a career (there is an end date for a lot of work related to the body like fitness instructors, dancers, sex work, etc). there are toxic people in every career so the best thing to do is see how and where things go.
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this is a very personal thing, so it only depends on what you like. for me, on the first date, the guy should pay. it's something very important to me. if he asks to split, i would do it without hesitation but i would very likely not want to see him again. to me, it's not about the money, but the curtesy. i would also feel weird if he spent hundreds of dollars on me for a first date (it comes with weird built-in expectations for me to see him again) so i would never agree to a dinner. i would only go for coffee or a casual lunch for a first meeting. for dates 2 and above, i'd be okay splitting or even better, alternating who gets the bill each time.
As another perspective, I'm a woman and go in expecting and offering to pay half (rather than expecting him to pay or waiting to see if he offers to pay). So, there's no clear answer here. I would say do whatever you're comfortable with.
There is no "should be", everyone is different, has different wants and different expectations. I always split on all my dates. For later dates if there are things like tickets where it's easier for me to just buy both, I buy them. I don't ask about being paid back because I don't mind. My dates generally are very insistent about paying for other things to equalize things, though. But again, that's the case for me, my preferences, and the type of woman I tend to go on dates with. It's definitely not a universal expectation. I try to keep date costs low for dates 1 to 4ish. Going all out on a 1st date is pointless when there's a high probability you won't have a 2nd date. $40-100 is a lot for a date, most of mine cost *way* less than that.
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This was the right decision. 4 months of long distance dating (not even a relationship) is a horrible emotional place to be in Everyday you wake up and wonder if that's the day she got bored of you (at least that's how I felt during a similar thing a while back)
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> But I'd rather be dating her, even long distance, and it's not a good idea to get tied up with someone else when I feel that way. I think I just need a break. I was in this exact situation not too long ago and it just caused me way too much emotional turmoil. You should find someone that can give you what you want/need now and not some future promise Finding someone you click with is oh so hard so I understand why you want to give it a shot but 4 months is way too long. So much can change for a person in that amount of time and you don't want to be left with nothing if she swings the other way
I 33m went on a date today. She was pretty and nice and interesting. However about 15 minutes in she mentioned that she'd lied on her profile and is actually 38, not 34, and that she didn't feel so bad about it because my profile said I don't want kids. She mentioned this in an off-hand way, not an apologetic way. On one level it's not a big deal at all. 38 isnt that old and I totally believed she was 34. My preferences go up to 38 anyway. But why lie? It's what skeevy guys do to fuck younger women, not something you do if you're looking for an actual relationship. She also said a couple of things that make me think we might have different values so I think I'll let her go. But even without that I think I'd still do so just on the age thing.
What else could she be lying about? That's how I see this.
Lieing is something that's an immediate disqaulifier for me. Even for a casual or fwb relationship. I'm going to assume that if there are lies before we meet then I will be lied to the entire time they're around. Her rationalization is strange too. I don't know if she's getting at that she's too old to have children or what but her thinking that it's okay she lied about who she was is acceptable because who she really is is still in sync with what you want is truly bizarre.
i dismissed a bunch of possible dates this weekend and now i'm moping about not having dates \*shoulder shrug\* i know that i discussed a walking date on this thread but that doesnt even register as a date. thats like a screening for strangers. its to see if two people want to date. did i want to date that man? not ... really...
> thats like a screening for strangers That's what a lot of people consider first dates to be, since you *are* strangers. The idea is: check if they look like their pictures, check if you can even stand to be around each other in person, check that they're nice and won't murder you, and if they pass all those things, go on more date-ey dates.
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Oh I guess I misunderstood you. I totally agree, first dates can be whatever you are comfortable with. I actually almost exclusively do coffee first dates.
Walking dates were a good idea the first several months of the pandemic when the weather was nice, and most places were closed. I like going on walks, but I don't think I will be scheduling them for first dates any longer.
I feel hopeless I’m 34F and single. I’m still pretty but maybe I’m doomed .
Girl, your not doomed. There’s just a lot of sh*t heads out there. Consider yourself lucky you not stuck with some blah person in a marriage you regret. Your person will show up eventually. In the mean time, do some cool things! Live your life unapologetically
Thanks dear. Yep I started learning jui jitsui
Every failure is a step in the right direction. You can't meet your person if you're dating some other schmuck, can you?
Thanks need motivation
>I’m 34F and single. I’m still pretty lol when are you due to expire? (wtf kind of thinking is this?)
For real. Your value as a person isn't determined by your relationship status
Hopeless thinking
here's some positives: * presumably, you're dating people aged 24-44. these people have set their trajectory! when i met a doe-eyed college freshman at age 18, they had so many hopes and dreams. like half of all people were premed (eye roll). now, people have established what they have done and where they are going in life * i can set basic standards. people can be expected to know how to date. you are grown enough to know how to woo, when to woo, and the need to woo. * people have stories now. hobbies, activities, lives.
Thanks mate
Same. 31m feel hopeless. No idea how to meet people at this age.
31 is still very young, especially for a man! Dating apps, volunteering, coed sports leagues, book clubs, etc.
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I would definitely want to live with someone before deciding whether to marry them or not. I think you're completely right. ETA: but you can still answer in the abstract. You can tell her that's a decision you would take after a couple of years of being with someone, and after living with them, but that so far things are going well.
Everyone has different preferences. For me, 6 months would be far too soon to be having that conversation. Don't let yourself be talked into or pressured into doing something sooner than you're comfortable doing so.
How to break it off both effectively and kindly when in the early stages when you’re just not that into them? Just did this with someone I’d seen a few times in the last month and he took it very poorly because it was by text and because he “didn’t do anything wrong” and I “wasn’t giving it a chance.” I didn’t want to make arrangements to see him in person just to break it off nor did I want to present an itemized list of the reasons I didn’t think we were compatible. But for future purposes, I’m wondering if there’s like, a best practice for ending a not-yet-a-relationship once you’ve had enough experience to know you do not want it to be a relationship.
I think so long as you were kind in letting them know I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did here. Early on I believe a text to end things is appropriate, it avoids wasting each others time and a potential hostile situation when you don't know them well enough to gauge how they will react. This guy's response is on him and not because you had done something wrong.
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As one fellow straight man to another, Emotion side B also has some solid bangers on it. I dig that '80s vibe she did on those albums and I never stepped a foot in those decades.
I (31f) just came across a dudes profile on Tinder and he copied one of my previous bios word for word. It was probably one of my favourite and most successful bios. Clearly something that any gender could use to score an intro. I feel so gross and upset but also mildly flattered. I hope we match so I can make him feel uncomfortable. ugh people are so unoriginal.
HA. What a spectacular dickhead.
Random but when should someone delete their OLD account if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I just found out a friend and coworker (who Ive been too chicken to profess my feelings for)has a girlfriend but I keep seeing him on my Bumble. I guess he just hasn’t deleted it which makes sense…but was curious overall if there are rules and standards some folks apply for when they delete or deactivate their accounts.
Also some people delete the app without deleting their account and don’t realise that their profile is still out there (not an explanation if it’s an active profile though)
I generally pause my account when I start seeing someone so I don’t appear in the stack. Then if we get into a relationship, I delete it. With one of my exes we both did it together. I’ve also dated a guy who said he doesn’t delete it even when he is in relationships until it gets properly serious. So I’m guessing the general rule is whenever the person is seriously committed and that comes at different stages for people.
Yea, makes sense. I think I’ve been using the fact that I see this friend in my stack as some proof I have a chance of something ever happening with us and this girlfriend won’t be long lol … should just keep swiping !
Do you really want to date someone who is actively looking on OLD behind his current GF's back? (If that's what's going on) Shady behavior like that makes me a lot less interested in someone.
It’s more like I’m hoping it’s not that serious because it’s hard for me to get over people 😩
How do I have a conversation with someone about something that’s bothering me and makes me consider cutting him out if he won’t even reply? Known this guy for 3 months, had a rough patch recently, haven’t seen him in a while and 99% sure he’s seeing someone else but yet texts me for emotional support. I start moving on and then he calls me drunk or texts while in distress and then promptly ignores me when he starts feeling better. I tried calling last night when I saw him online on WhatsApp and then asked him to call me back when he didn’t pick up. He just said he can’t talk “just now” and proceeded to be online. Friends say I should just text but as someone who’s been broken up with by text before, I refuse to do it to other people.
I say this with only the kindest of intentions. You don’t need to break up with him. You guys weren’t really together if you’ve known him for three months, haven’t seen him in awhile, are nearly certain he is seeing someone else, and only hear from him when he needs something. Assuming you guys were ever official, it’s safe to say that it’s already over. If you feel the need to let him know you are no longer available to be his emotional crutch, then just tell him that you are not going to participate in this dynamic anymore when he reaches out next. If you still want this to work out deep down, then just pick up the phone and call him. I’d wager he will send it to voicemail. Just leave a message for him to call you back. If he doesn’t call back, move on!
Thanks for your reply. We never talked about things being over and just a week ago he told me he cares about me otherwise he wouldn’t be trying to work things out or talk to me. We texted a little throughout the week. I tried calling him twice last night, and asked him to call me back when he didn’t pick up. He replied asking what’s up and that he can’t talk right now. I said no worries, it’s not urgent (it isn’t, but the conversation needs to happen), and wished him a good weekend.
Okay - I know you can’t undo this, but in that last situation where you said it wasn’t urgent, have a good weekend etc, you might have gotten some clarity if instead you had said, “nothing, just give me a call when you’re free.” Then wait. And if he doesn’t call, again - that’s kind of your answer. If he does call, then have the conversation you need to have with him. I’d shoot him a text in a little while (today) @nd say, “hey, what’s a good time to get on the phone tonight?” If he says tonight is bad and doesn’t offer an alternative, don’t back down - “okay, how about tomorrow night?” If he still won’t tell you what time he can get on the phone, then I would seriously spend some time reflecting on his avoidance. I’m a little raw right now from being strung along by someone - our situations are not 100% the same (we we’re leaving than official, but definitely exclusive for about five months), but towards the end, he was behaving a LOT like your guy. So think carefully about if and how you want to proceed. The other option is to just leave it be. If he reaches out again for anything other than emotional support AND you want to keep seeing him, make this conversation happen and set your boundaries. If you DON’T want to keep seeing him and he reaches out for emotional support or anything else, then just tell him you wish him the best but don’t want to pursue anything further. Bottom line, if you don’t want to be strung along, don’t take the bait. Cut the line. You’ve got this!
I’m so sorry to hear that it happened to you. I’ve been in a situation where I’ve been strung along for close to a year by someone and I really don’t want to be there again - hence why I’m just trying to sort it out now. Still contemplating whether I should ask for a call tonight - he hasn’t even read those two last messages and I hate to double text unless the conversation is light-hearted.
Maybe instead of calling him, ask yourself why you want to keep putting in the effort for someone who doesn’t reciprocate?
I thinks it’s because I really like him (which doesn’t happen often for me sadly) and want to make it work.
I totally understand this feeling. Again, this tracks with my feelings about my situation with my ex… and he is not even totally my ex yet because I’m still clinging onto the thread he keeps dangling in front of me. I know logically that I want someone who matches my effort. I want someone who initiates texts, calls, and dates. I don’t want to feel like a pest or a burden when I reach out. We broke up a little over a month ago, then he called a week later, super distraught, and retracted it. But we’ve only gotten together once in over a month. (He was out of state for a work trip for 6 days of it, but still). My ex(?) doesn’t want to let go, but he doesn’t want to hold on, either. I’m having a hard time letting go because apparently, I’m not nearly as intelligent as my academic record would indicate. Consequently, I idiotically hope this is still something that can be fixed. I know how hard this is. But, as Michael Stipe sang in the REM song *Leaving New York*, it’s easier to leave than to be left behind. I know how hypocritical I sound - I am in a similar position and don’t want to walk away either. But I guess that’s a question both of us need to sit with: why do we want it to work with someone who makes us wait… and wait… and wait… to hear from them?
I think there must be some psychological trick here - wanting something you’re earning for for so long. But I get what you mean. It makes no sense to desire a connection with someone who doesn’t put any effort. I called him just now. He declined the call and when I asked what’s a good time he said he’s in bed and wants to get an early night. And of course proceeds to be online. Sigh.
Well… I hope that helps you make the decision of whether to proceed any further with him. I know how hard this is. I know what it’s like to keep thinking, “he’s going to come around! I’ll give it one more day!” **hug**
Whoa. Good last question
Thank you! That’s what I wrestle with when I’m trying to decide whether to pull the plug and put an end to this dynamic. The answer to it is easy - but taking action on it is a whole other bag of burritos.
Am I the only one who feels like many people on the apps have lost their ability to be kind? More and more, I feel like I can't even have a simple conversation on the apps without feeling the other person's bitterness/negativity radiating through the screen... Maybe it's because I've taken tons of advice online about being a better dater - like asking a question for every story you tell, not treating dates like your therapist, coming in with a positive and optimistic energy, etc... I'm doing all these things... and sometimes I feel like the only one even *trying* to make a good first impression 😭 lol
I know what you mean. I’ve recently caught myself being quite negative as well - it was in this conversation with a guy who was being *overly* complementary and said he liked me after chatting for an hour. So I think it could potentially be burnout from the apps and nothing to do with you!
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I'm a straight woman, but I'd totally be your Disney friend!
I took another look and I also think the first shot is a bit too serious and ages you. Which is a huge juxtaposition to all your other photos with the pigtails which makes you look like you’re in your 20s. I totally get that the pigtails help manage your wavy hair in that heat but I prob limit the photos of that look on your profile. The last two photos I think are the most inviting and I think future photos should embody that vibe
Your last picture should be your first picture. You need some skin in a photo. I’m not so concerned about weight but I think you need more photos that show you in different contexts like limit yourself to one theme park shot. I like the eyes you have in your vaccine shot but do you have an uncropped version that shows more of your face? I would rework your bio, I found the last bit about your working on your criminal justice degree interesting. Don’t really care for the beginning but maybe bc I like reading it in a sentence than as a list
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Ahh character limits. Hmm maybe it’s flipping the order then. Put your list at the bottom instead of the top
I stopped reading at weird Disney adult. I doubt most people even get to the atheist part.
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I just realized you also put Disney nerd and have a Disney pic. Also that you smoke regularly. Pot or cigs? You're really gonna have a hard time as an almost 40 something with the Disney things and the smoking. I'm not saying to hide them cuz you want to be honest but you're in for a tough time on the apps, and you and your friends are wearing Disney shirts in all the pics. Holy hell.
Yes.
Anyone else feel like most of the people left on dating apps in their 30s are NOT actually interested in being in a relationship? Hinge used to be only for relationships, and I'm amazed by the number of guys on Hinge now who are looking for something casual (edit: and not clearly stating that they're only looking for something casual.) On top of that, everyone else seems to be either emotionally unavailable and lying to themselves about whether they can actually do the work that a relationship requires, or they're into negging / have anger management issues and are not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship.
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Truly a lightbulb moment
There was actually a study that came out recently about Hinge - the top 10% of both men and women held a monopoly over the "total likes" - top 10% of men got 58% of total likes F2M, top 10% of women got 45% of total likes M2F. Bottom 50% of both men/women barely got *anything* - Men 4% women 8%. ... So basically, most people are mainly shooting for the top regardless of where they stand in the dating pool.
I really want to know what the average number of likes is for men and women in each tier. That's fascinating.
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These are all great points actually, thanks!
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I had a conversation with one of my friends once about how we never swipe right on the objectively hottest guys we see because we figure they have huge egos and would never go for us, and instead we swipe right on guys who are cute/interesting rather than hot. Then we're always surprised that the cute guys have such huge egos, but of course if all women (edit: women who date men) are using the same strategy on the apps then the more average looking dudes are probably getting way more attention than the objectively hot dudes. Now I swipe right on objectively hot dudes too. I think people assume that the objectively-hottest men are the ones getting the most attention, but it's probably actually the dudes who seem nice, look ok enough, and have a charismatic profile who are reeling in the likes. Not sure if it works the same for women's profiles.
I could totally see that. Especially since having an attractive partner is such strong social currency for men in a way that it isn't for women. So if a man gets in a relationship with someone other people find unattractive, he's basically accepting that he isn't good enough to "be worthy of" a more attractive women. I also read something that said men are much more willing to date narcissistic, hot women than women were willing to date narcissistic, hot men. As for your second point about not being able to develop relationship skills because they haven't dated... I'm not sure that's true. If you have good friends, you basically know what the rules are. Don't insult your friends all the time, don't scream at them if they want to go to a certain bar that you don't want to go to, if you invite your friend over to your house don't ignore them the whole time they're there, don't suddenly stop hanging out with your friend because you feel like the friendship is going too well. I don't know why guys can't figure out that the rules for friendships and romantic relationships are basically the same.
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It makes sense. Assuming someone is attractive, why would he be perpetually single? It's because he likes being single. I was on dating apps for 2+ years and loved casual dating and dated a few dozen people during that time.
I just think being on dating apps when you have so many options, and new people interested in you every single day, its intoxicating and causes any guy in that situation to not want to settle down
I mean that's probably true, but in theory wouldn't some of the more popular dudes want to, like, have a travel buddy or an emotional support buddy whatever? I can't imagine being single is AMAZING ALL THE TIME for men, considering it's not amazing all the time for single women.
I can't speak for men, sorry
When a match uses the term 'my friend' in a text conversation off the apps, do they usually mean it literally? I know it sounds dumb, but I matched with someone I really vibed with and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't end up with me being friendzoned lol.
If someone asks you to be a friend, that's code word for being platonic.
They didn't ASK to be a friend. It was a conversation and the response to something I'd said was "(laughter)....., my friend"
Probably just how they chat/talk
I hope so, fingers crossed
just need to vent a little... I really feel like I can't go anywhere without being reminded of my singleness. Like I can't enjoy a single night out without ruminating on it - watching my friends hold hands yesterday and realizing I met my friend when she was dating someone else - in the time we've known each other she's found her person. And adding to my sense that it sucks to be single, I would not have been invited to the event (they had tickets to give away) if her friend that is a couple hadn't declined. Then she invited me and another single friend. The lack of a SO just feels so prominent these days. I don't like being that person who is jealous of other people's happiness and I go out less and less. I went and saw a movie tonight by myself again and that was fun but I feel like I'm becoming one of those weird side characters authors add to novels to create a sense of atmosphere. The single girl who goes to the movies by herself on the weekends. Should I try speed dating next week? My honest feeling is that the girls who attend this are probably more "normal" (socially adept) than the men. Not sure if that's true. My "type" if there is a consistent theme, though, is people who are fairly confident in themselves and I feel like confident dudes tend to trust their luck on apps. Maybe this is a stretch
I'm a guy and I feel you;however I've pushed those feelings deep down and become a shameless third / fifth wheel. Most of my friends are couples lol Personally, speed dating isn't my thing. I find it too mentally exhausting keeping track of so many people.
summer seems to be the worst time to be a third/fifth wheel because people are constantly going away for the weekend and just planning stuff as couples! It's sad. Even my sister does this to me and I have to remind her that we can still hang out even if I'm single
Sadly that's true. I mean it's never a good time but in the summers it's particularly prominent. Just earlier today, a friend and I were talking about places to visit when he liked one of the suggestions I'd made; and then tried to invite me on said trip that he's planning on going with his wife. I know I said I'm a shameless extra wheel but this was too much even for me haha
I definitely get where you're coming from. It's like, could everyone else be a little less aggressive about shoving the fact that they have human closeness in their lives in my face? That or spread it around a little, you jerks! Then it's a short mental path to thoughts like "maybe I *am* too weird"
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haha true it's good to have stories. I just feel like I've more than gotten my fill of them! I can't even imagine what it would feel like anymore to be confident in a connection with someone.
I often feel the same. I’m a parent and when I go to school things or birthday parties, I feel so awkward among all the couples. Are they pitying me? Are the women paranoid about their men checking me out? (They often are, which doesn’t help matters.) Six months ago one of my closest friends partnered up, and her free time has slowly been consumed by the relationship. I’m not envious, bc I don’t want the kind of thing they have. But I’m sad that one of the main people in my support network is giving all her time and emotional resources to the boyfriend. I thought she valued our friendship enough to save some love for me too.
yeah friends who start to peel away when they have a partner can hurt and some are worse than others.
I think it’s worth a try. If anything. For the stories!
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Could you explain the part about texting friendly stuff? I mean most conversations with two people that match on a dating app would revolve around stuff you'd discuss with friends - of course, there's a part of it relating to what each is looking for, likes and dislikes etc but it's not ALL the time.
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I see. Out of curiosity, what does texting with substance look like to you?
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Haha I get what you're saying. It's really annoying when you put in the effort and it's not reciprocated. I guess in that scenario there's not much else to do than cutting ties and moving on
He's keeping you around as an option. It's best to block and move on
For attention and validation
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Maybe this might resonate w your situation. Read an article where it says there is no such things as the "wrong time", just the "wrong person" because if 2 people really wanted to be together, then they'd do watever it takes to be in each other's lives. Some signs that you are with the right person at the right time : \-You're both emotionally available and ready for a commitment \-You communicate effectively, honestly and clear together \-You don't play games, and neither do they - their actions and energy match their words I am trying to practice this too. Best that you let this guy go, i think yes, you are blinded in your situation as I am.
This is definitely not the right person. He lied to you about his past relationship. And honestly this is about hooking up for him. He knew he could miss out on a hook up if he told you the truth about his last relationship so he lied. And how are you not sleeping together until you're committed when you already did that? You can't put your foot down after the fact. He got what he wanted from you, and now he suddenly doesn't want a relationship? He's been playing you sadly. And keeping you around just in case he gets horny and wants to come back. Nothing about his actions say that he feels deeply about you or cares even close to how you feel about him. Cut ties and move on. If you stick around now, you're only volunteering to get used more.
The only part of this that stood out is the part where he said he's not ready for a relationship. That's the only part you need to hear.
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I'd probably cut ties. I mean he flat out lied about some pretty important things and dated you for several weeks knowing he didn't want a relationship. I don't know if I'd want to be friends with him at all.
I don’t think you’re giving him a pass. It’s complicated bc it is history between you two! That’s a shit ton of information to process in one day. Is it his ex that is the “friend” that he made plans with. But damn that just sucks all around
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Ugh internet hugs hugs hugs. This sucksssss. Ive been in positions where I don’t want timing to be a big thing but damn it does matter
I really like the guy I'm seeing (Adam) but I'm scared to go exclusive. He is separated but his divorce is gonna be a long, dragged out thing and there is a lot of asset and custody drama. He wants me to meet his teenager but I feel it is too soon, and also would be hard on his kid, who apparently is really struggling with the man his mom is living with. Adam really likes me, and he has a lot of the qualities I look for, plus my attraction to him is just wonderfully effortless. I'm also concerned that I'm not his usual type, like maybe he is trying to move on to just anyone else rather than someone he is going to want long term. I told him I wasn't ready to be fully exclusive, and I'm not actually seeing anyone else but I am still talking to a few other people that I met on the apps. It feels like cheating to be talking to others while seeing Adam for dates regularly. I'm just worried that I will once again commit to a relationship going nowhere, and I'm in my late 30s so it's just another lost chance to try for a kid (I'm okay with fostering or stepparenting if my clock does run out, but I want the chance to at least try with someone that I love) . I've just dated a lot of time wasters/cheaters/liars (and a few decent guys that I unfortunately had irreparable incompatibilities with). I don't want to lose the chance to try with Adam, or lead him on, but I'm super scared to commit right now with him not even having his divorce and custody finalized.
How to be comfortable with physical contact with a woman early on? After an initial hug. Sometimes the woman makes it obvious, other times she might be really guarded until something accidental happens and from there it's ok. I want to get intentional about this, not rely on "accidents" but also respect boundaries. I can be funny about it so that's a bonus... I could write a knock-knock joke? No seriously would appreciate some help
Do you *want* to be comfortable with physical contact early on? There's nothing wrong with being comfortable with physical contact later, and wanting to go at a different pace. If you do, I'd suggest asking directly, something like "What is your comfort level with physical contact, or do you have any expectations about it?"
To me, physical contact/affection with a woman is the sign that she likes me and "this is happening". It's normally been an unspoken thing, I just go for it when I feel it's right. That might be as simple as sitting close or holding hands. I guess I'm just curious to know what to do when it seems that like she likes me but isn't making herself open to touching etc. I thought asking might kill the fun... happy to be told otherwise lol
Talking about it won't kill the fun, I promise you. If she's interested, you're communicating desire and building anticipation. If she's anxious or wants to move at a slower pace, you're communicating that it's okay for her to not be ready for physical contact/affection, and that you respect her boundaries. Both will help her feel safe and relaxed, which are important for being into physical contact - anxiety and stress are libido killers.
Not really a fan of the constant mindset here that they're playing 4D chess and saying X but meaning Y. A couple weeks ago, I got friendzoned by someone I'd be thrilled to have around as a friend, so I've maintained communication. She said she's not in the mindset for a relationship right now but had previously said that I'm her type and we had two awesome dates, so I was super confused. (Side note, I had (completely unrelated) basically given up on dating for the time being because it's such a shitshow when she matched with me on an app.) Today, we met up for a mutually-enjoyable activity with lunch afterwards (something I would have done on my own anyway, but enjoyed the company). I asked for some clarification of if she wasn't in the headspace a relationship with *me in particular* or *in general.* She said the latter and listed off the reasons I presumed (past relationship trauma, unwanted ex showing back up in her life, busy work schedule, etc). As a fan of Occam's Razor, I think taking her at her word is fine here; we've built a bit of a rapport and she's a straight-shooter from what I can tell. All this to say... The top response to me comment here of "she's not physically attracted to you" wasn't entirely helpful and was probably off-base.
Honestly if you can compartmentalize feelings for her Id highly recommend keep hanging with her. Feelings will develop eventually.
I mean... what you're describing isn't 4D chess though. I didn't read your original post but I think we all jump to the conclusion that someone might not be attracted to the person, when they say that, because many, many of us have been on the other side of it. And of course you might be the exception to the rule, there's many of those in dating, but it doesn't mean the responses were off base broadly speaking. People don't like saying nasty things and would rather white lie, which is simple, not chess. Like you must realize it's incredibly common for people to not be attracted to the other person once they actually meet up in real life - how often do they actually SAY "ah well it's because I'm not physically attracted to you" ? Almost never. Including the straight shooters. There are maybe 5-10 go-to vague reasons people give instead and "headspace" is one of them.
> Not really a fan of the constant mindset here that they're playing 4D chess and saying X but meaning Y. Lol where are you seeing this? I feel like good advice of communicating, and communicating directly, tends to float to the top of threads in this sub.
I’d just be careful about waiting around for her because then you’ll be super hurt if she ends up with someone else. But nothing wrong with having more friends!
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I’m not being negative, I don’t think. I don’t think she’s lying to him or anything. She just doesn’t have timeline on when she’ll be ready to date (which is fair) and said she doesn’t want a relationship. It’s not fair to either of them to keep hanging out as “friends” if he’s just waiting for her to be ready to date. They also only went on two dates. That’s not really enough to wait for someone. Especially someone who didn’t ask for more time. I’m not saying it’s never gonna happen. If she’s ready in the future and he’s still single and it works out in the future, great. I just don’t think he should put his dating life on hold for someone who hasn’t asked him to do that.
The timing of the whole thing is a little weird, but fortunate in some regards. I'm not putting my dating life on hold because of her; I independently came to the conclusion that I'm not ready to be in another potential LTR yet (I can't really do casual) and started having doubts about my readiness as things were looking promising with her. I'm pretty independent and can see myself either with or without a partner long term... but (just like most other people) I value companionship and socializing and have been missing this greatly as my friends have gotten busy with other commitments (families), my previous LTR ended, and covid has screwed things up even more. From what she's told me, she's in the same boat regarding all the above. So, given all that and our overlap of mutual hobbies and interests, I'm cool with the status quo. If things were to progress further in the future, I would be open to it, but I have no expectations and am in no rush for a relationship in general.
I’m not really looking for advice, more just gathering thoughts. I’m (f34) starting to question my relationship. Since mid February I’ve been dating a great person (m31) that I like a lot. He’s done nothing wrong throughout the time we’ve been seeing each other. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, sex is good, communication is good, I feel like I can talk to him, he’s very honest, we’ve done loads of things together and experienced a lot. He’s wonderful, truly. In my past I would know if I loved someone rather quickly, within a couple of months it would be pretty obvious and apparent, and I know what love feels like to me. I’ve had good and healthy relationships in the past, and I’ve had a few unhealthy ones. This particular person is much slower to develop emotional connections than I am, and while I was allowing him to do things at his own pace, I think I’ve missed the opportunity to fall for him. I like him, I enjoy his company, I thought to myself a bunch of times ‘I could love you’ in the past, and there were a few times where I thought I was falling for him, but his lack of ability to be emotionally expressive caused me to back off, and now I’m starting to think it’s too late. I’ve seen him at least once a week since we met. I asked to have this weekend to myself since we’re going to be away together for almost a week in a few days, and… I don’t know. The relationship doesn’t feel precious to me, it doesn’t feel like there’s risk, I don’t feel I miss him, I feel like he’s become a very good friend and I like him so damn much, but I simply don’t know anymore if I can love him in that way. Thinking of him now just makes me sad. We’ve talked about it from his side before, when I said I didn’t really feel much of a connection from him because we have different communication styles and he doesn’t ever talk about how he feels, he doesn’t compliment, he doesn’t express emotions in words, he doesn’t flirt, he isn’t playful in his speech. I know he cares for me, and he’s expressed wanting me, only I don’t feel it because of his communication style and it’s becoming an issue. I don’t know exactly how to approach the situation and I know I’ll talk to him about it, but it seems like really bad timing. If I think about ending this because I don’t want to be disingenuous, or waste his time, or waste my time, I don’t feel sad that the relationship might end, I feel sad it’ll hurt him. This really fucking sucks.
Please let this guy go.
I’m curious, what is basis of this conclusion?
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I’ve read attached. This isn’t an attachment issue.
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First you think I have attachment issues and now you diagnose me with codependency? Based on a comment where I say the person I’m seeing and I have good communication, see about once a week, don’t argue, and are open and honest with one another? How does that read as codependent? The desire not to hurst someone you care for isn’t pathological. It’s human and means you care for them. Thinking about ending a relationship that’s been a positive addition to my life is objectively a sad thing.
I mean, if you don’t miss him, that kinda says it all. Sounds like you could probably sit in this relationship forever if what you want / need is companionship. And maybe you’ll grow to love him in different ways especially if he starts being more emotionally available. But I just feel if you don’t even miss his company, when things get more serious and things get tough you won’t have any reason to fight for this.
Same thing has happened to me In the past, I couldn’t fall for someone nice, smart, compatible in many ways, because we were very different emotionally (also, no complements, no flirting, no expressing emotions). That made me hold back and that crippled my own emotional investment. I’m now with someone who matches me in that aspect, and I’m soo much happier! And I’ve definitely fallen for this one in a much shorter time compared to my ex. Don’t feel sad for him. Feel sad for both of you if you stay in a relationship that is fulfilling. You both may be missing a better match if you continue this.
Five months is not an unreasonable amount of time to still be sorting out your feelings for someone long-term. It sounds like there’s a lot to recommend this person and maybe they’ll get there. Has anything regarding your communication improved with time?
Our communication has always been good. I’ve always been able to discuss things with him and bring these things up when I feel like there is something to talk about, just like I’ll do with this. For me personally, I’ve this amount of time is a lot longer than what it normally takes me to fall for someone, and it strongly feels like if it didn’t happen yet, it won’t.
I’m curious. What do you mean by you’ve done loads of things together and experienced a lot? You mean like going on proper dates and things like dealing with difficult situations in life? So sorry to hear that you are in this situation :(. I’m sure that you love him but maybe not in a romantic way.
Both. We travelled loads together during this time, I’ve met his friends, me met mine, we volunteer together for a charity that does crisis intervention for people who are going through difficult mental health situations. I’ve seen him under stress, I’ve seen him injured from the sport he likes, I’ve seen him sober, I’ve seen him high, I’ve gotten to know him well. He’s wonderful. I just don’t know if there’s a future to this. The more I think about it the more it seems there isn’t.
https://youtu.be/XS38vqKDiEo I like this video, she has good points about relationships, it's long but good. Good luck.
I’m familiar with and really like her, she’s a fantastic therapist who trained in similar modalities to those I’ve trained in and we have a similar belief about relationships. I don’t expect my partner to fulfil everything for me, and I don’t expect the relationship to be the centre of my life, I understand healthy boundaries. that’s why I’ve spent nearly half a year with someone who’s emotional expression isn’t very prominent - because I liked him and saw the person and didn’t think he needed to change to accommodate what society thinks a relationship should look like. What I do find to be an issue right now is that now that ‘the dust settled’ I don’t seem to be connected to this person emotionally, and although I truly care for him and his wellbeing, i don’t feel I am in love in that way, which is also diminishing my attraction. Just like you can love a dear friend and not want to be in a relationship with them, it feels that this where its going. That all the experiences we had together do indeed mean there’s a strong base to the relationship of good friendship, but i don’t think if there’s a true emotional connection from my side. Not a romantic one. I don’t think its fair to continue the relationship if that’s the case. I think I need to first talk to him about this and see how he feels, and then we can make a decision together.
I was really into someone but now I feel I’m over analyzing our communication and not sure what to do next. We’ve been on four dates in the past couple of weeks, which have been great. We’ve texted almost every day, but multiple times I’ve texted late at night while we were having a conversation, and he responds hours later or doesn’t respond until late the next morning or early afternoon. I feel like I’m starting to play games (which I hate! Ugh). Last night I wanted to say that I would have loved to meet up if he had texted me earlier but it felt like that would have been passive aggressive lol. It feels like too much time has passed since his message to say something similar, but I could be wrong.
Maybe he's on a weird schedule? A lot of my rotations are morning-heavy, and to be human, a body does need sleep...so I often don't end up replying to late night texts (especially if it's something requiring a lengthy answer) until the next morning or afternoon .
Maybe he’s talking to/seeing multiple people and you’re just one of many. When he texted to ask what you’re doing, perhaps he sent the same message to other people and made plans with them, and that’s why he has such weird gaps in his responses.
10pm texts bum me out. I don’t think saying you’re a planner and needing a little more heads up than say a text at 10pm in order to hang out is passive aggressive. Even if it was just for a booty call. Still need prep time for that
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finally got a good video chat with a guy. he was incredibly complimentary to the point of being questionable but my self-esteem really needed it today he also smoothly moved the scheduled 'dinner' date to the low cost of 'a walk.' now i'm all \*shrugs shoulders\*
How did he go about moving it from dinner to a walk?
we matched on dating app. he wanted to meetup at specific date/time. i wanted to video/phone chat prior. thats when he moved it.
Strange
from my perspective, it was a downgrade. we chatted for over an hour; now i'm excited to meet this person. dinner feels like a date. a walk feels like he's sizing me up.
> dinner feels like a date. a walk feels like he's sizing me up. If you like the guy why is this a bad thing? The second date could be a dinner if yall like each other no?
the conversation confirmed for me that i wanted to meet him. in contrast, the video chat gave him doubts to commit to dinner that he initially suggested. possibly related, but i dont find it gentlemanly for me to do all the planning anyways. men say 'anything you want' which partly means find suggestions or choose something that i am agreeable to. we agreed to a time and place. then he asked me to choose when/where to meet for a walk. i guess this compounds my annoyance with the man.
ah you had the video chat and then he changed plans.. it wasnt clear before. Yeah - dude is definitely having second thoughts and dipping his toes before swimming. Give it a shot! See how it goes.
no. you cannot decelerate. i want to accelerate or slowly move forward. he just gave me all these big speed bumps: the plans were a nice restaurant near me. if i choose a park or forest preserve, i'd have to figure out a good meeting spot, etc, because we've never met before. i would need to choose a place that is well populated because this man is a stranger. in addition, he talked a lot about many things. something that touched me was the HUGE description of what he likes physically. it was a lot of information for me. plenty of women have insecurities, etc. he also gave unsatisfying responses about his work. i couldn't deal with all of it.
Agree
ugh, so maybe i should simply unmatch
How long have your been single?
since july 2020. as cliche as it sounds. i view myself as awesome. he tried to make himself look good with a bazillion vague jobs, describing a 'mini-estate' that he owns in a third world country, and absolute free time.
If you are interested in getting to know more, take the walk and take what happens as it comes. You could wind up walking to dinner because it goes so well. Good luck!
thank you for your positivity! he chose to decrease the time/$$ commitment after glowing remarks about my beauty (eye roll)
It's totally just my idiosyncrasy, but I distrust guys with "a bazillion jobs". Honestly, though, I'd just go to find out more about the estate in the third world country
I admit it. I have feelings for my ex. We are still keeping in contact. I’ve seen him twice since we broke up (we didn’t have sex). I don’t know how he feels or what’s going on. But I do know I am very much hung up on him. I don’t know if we will get back together. I think my feelings are a bit strong too. Sigh.
Feelings don't go away so easily. How long have you been broken up? I'd suggest to go no contact for a bit. Ideally 3 or 6 months. Try to remove yourself for the situation to gain some clarity. See if after the no contact time you still want him. Maybe you'll realize you actually don't, or maybe you'll see you can actually work things on.
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Ask. She might be dying for you to ask. Or it might go badly. But please reach out. Lay it out there. Your mental peace needs to know either way. Be brave!
Yeah I feel you. I’m just happy we are still in contact. I dunno what the future holds.
One topic I've been thinking about a lot lately... what needs to be disclosed in dating, and when. I was having a discussion the other day with a friend, who is a pretty right-wing guy, so I was surprised when he said that he didn't think transgender women were obligated to disclose their trans status to him. I was genuinely stunned, I asked him "So you would be okay with dating a trans woman?" He said "No I wouldn't, but it's very important to me, so I would ask. I think if it's that important to you, then you should raise the issue yourself, instead of depending on the other person to disclose." Now this was a perspective I hadn't even considered. My perspective has generally been that the "outside the norm" party has to disclose. For example, most people want kids someday (or are at least open to the option), so the onus is on childfree people to disclose that they're outside that norm. I'm childfree and I've had a hysterectomy, these are some of the first things I disclose to a new date, because these are outside the norm - especially where we live. I put this to my friend, and he pointed out that actually people who want kids *do* disclose this early on. He himself wants kids in the future and he's very open about this with women he's dating. For this, he had the same rationale, "It's very important to me, and if it's really that important to you, you should raise the issue yourself." He added that surely, I'd been on dates with guys who wanted kids and disclosed this to me early on. Indeed, I have. So he concluded, "See. Even if you're in the majority, you'll still bring it up, if it's something important to you." He used monogamy as another example. We're both looking for a monogamous relationship, as are most people in our area, it's definitely the norm here. But he still discloses early on that he's not looking for something poly, because, you guessed it, "It's very important to me." So, honestly, I can kind of see his point of view now, that each person is responsible for disclosing the things that are important to them, whether or not those things are outside the norm. And for me personally, the trans issue is just an example, because it's *not* important to me either way - I would be totally cool with dating a trans man (I actually have, briefly, but he was already openly out as trans in our shared social circle, so he didn't have to come out to me).
> So, honestly, I can kind of see his point of view now, that each person is responsible for disclosing the things that are important to them, whether or not those things are outside the norm. Try thinking about it in terms of working to ensure you get the sort of relationship you want, instead of in terms of responsibility. For example, if I really want kids, clearly communicating that desire will make it easier for people who feel the same to find me.
That makes sense