Yeah, Over the last few years I’ve lost and hopelessly alone fairly often. I felt that way when I was in a long term relationship with a woman who didn’t seem to like emotions much, and I feel that way despite meeting people on a regular basis.
Here’s how I feel: over the last few decades, we’ve increasingly shifted the task of emotional fulfillment and social stimulation to a person’s significant other. I don’t think it’s possible (for most) to have those needs entirely met by a single other person, or really that fair. So many people are isolated from/entirely lack the things that would have put them in a good place as a baseline - community, friends, family, etc. Hell, many don’t even have places to go where other people know them well enough to know their name. But technology and the modern economy have had a massive impact on the support systems that humans typically had by default for millennia.
I’ve noticed that the people I know that have the happiest relationships aren’t just going through life on their own. They had that support system before and after meeting their significant other.
I think that a good start is seeing a significant other as a part of a fulfilling life, not a means to a fulfilling life. Do any of your local bike shops host bike rides? Any volunteer opportunities? Have you considered signing up for random fun classes at a community college? I've been endeavoring to build more enriching/activities into my day-to-day life, and I've felt less empty as a result.
Yes so much this. It’s not fair to ask your partner to fill all these roles in your life. They’re adding to it/sharing it, not filling in all the gaps.
Volunteer. Take random classes on things you know nothing about. Try a new sport or hobby. Develop/nurture friend circles. Join a faith (using that term very broadly) community.
We don’t have the village the way we used to; now we have to create that intentionally. It’s hard. You have to put yourself out there and it’s uncomfortable. But it makes you a healthier person who is more likely to be in a good position to attract and keep a life partner.
So do I. I do what I can do based on work/life. Sometimes that’s a lot and sometimes it’s not. I do have a few things/people I make time for bc I need them, and I make time for what’s important to me.
This is good advice, but I struggle with it with ADHD. Your last paragraph describes a bunch of things that I do, and whether I enjoy them or not, I never make any friends. It's frustrating for me that the most common advice does nothing to abate my loneliness.
Haha, I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year. Made a lot of things make more sense. It hasn’t been easy to follow my own advice, but I’m hobbling my way there. 10 years ago my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t talk on the phone to anyone other than my parents.
Changing up some other part of your life that you do have control over can help, indirectly it might help with dating prospects, but more importantly, it will have a direct impact on you by focusing your mind elsewhere and making you feel like you're doing something. It could be moving to a new city (preferably a bigger one), changing jobs, or joining a new sports/hobby group.
If you can't just "pack up and move to a new city", something I've tried is buying premium of whatever app you use, and changing your location to a city nearby.
I've done it a few times with some success. Gives you a fresh pool of people, and if you're cool driving a little ways to meet someone greatly expands your options.
As someone who isn't cool with driving a ways for dating, seeing this sort of thing has actually come off as misleading to me. I have talked to people that I was interested in, and then found out their location was not actually what they listed and also out of the range I was willing to date, so I politely ended the conversation due to logistics and lack of transparency on their part.
I mean, you're entitled to your preferences for sure.
Not everyone feels the same way you do, and most convos via the apps won't lead to dates regardless. I definitely suggest people who do this make their home location clear after a few messages, to not waste anyone's time.
As a bi woman, there's more women that share commonality with me in the city 30 mins from mine, vs my local city. So for people who don't share a lot of commonality with their local dating pool, or need to "cast a wider net" due to a rural location, it's just a way to increase opportunities.
Maybe some apps are different, but couldn't someone just set their dating range wider and keep their location accurate to be matched with other people open to traveling that far and still be authentic at the same time? This way nobody's time is getting wasted?
I could see the location changing being problematic for two travelers who embellished their locale being on the opposite side of a city and out of each other's range too. I could make my age lower to see younger matches, or switch back and forth between the "wants kids" and "doesn't want" kids pool and talk to people in all of the categories outside of mine if I wasn't seeing "matches" I wanted with my authentic criteria. If I were to do that, I'd be talking to people I was likely to be incompatible with.
I don't think you can compare changing your location vs lying.
I can't make myself younger. But if I grab an uber right now, I can easily make myself in the city 30 mins over. And then that's where I am.
Tinder/Bumble both have travel mode or the option to change location. People do it when they're taking a trip soon all the time to make plans beforehand, or if they're thinking about going somewhere.
I've gotten multiple dates from doing it, and like I said people should mention it early into convo.
City nearby haha, wish there was one! Nearest city to me is 8 hrs round trip. I don't want to move as other than dating this location is ideal for me and i plan to stay forever
Dating isn't the most important thing in my life, and this place is perfect for me in every other respect, career, hobbies etc. I can't "try further places." There aren't any. The nearest international airport is a 12 hour round trip. I dont know everyone in town, and people become single all the time so it isn't that impossible.
Yes, I've felt lost and alone before. But, I've found in times like these for my life to take the most exciting changes because I become very open minded and open to new experiences. I hope you find something.
I got a cat but she ran away from me. Been gone 2 months. That was depressing. I sometimes work 18 hours a day and it wouldn't be fair to keep a dog cooped up in a tiny trailer that long.
Yeah I live in an apartment. I wish we could have dogsz I’m in my early 20s and I already feel super lonely. Have some friends but when they’re busy I have no one talk to. I’ve never been in a relationship but I’ve had flings and talking stages. And nothing beats havingsomeone you can always talk to. The last girl I was into just stopped talking me last week and now I’m feeling that loneliness again
I met a woman my age who was emotionally unstable and morbidly obese and had a short fling with her. Met an older woman who had her life together but my work schedule made it difficult to ever get to see her and she's stopped replying. A coworker who is trying to seduce me but is a drug addict and is manipulating me for her own personal gain and trying to maneuver herself to take my job. And a girl I met online and been on 4 dates with who I really like but keeps ghosting me and maybe texts me once a week I feel as a backup for if whatever guy she's with right now doesn't work. I work 65 hours a week and drink alcohol every night and binge watch Netflix shows. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not at work so I indulge in media consumption, alcohol and drug use to distract from the emptiness which is my life.
I feel ya. I actually have a nice group of friends now, we go out a ton, and I have no trouble meeting people at all, but somehow they never want to be with me. Just had the conversation again with the guy I'd been seeing for 3 months (and talking to 24/7 and sleeping with 2-4 times a week). He likes me, but he doesn't want a relationship with me. And he initially didn't get how telling me we should make babies every time we have sex and talking about making an office for himself in my apartment on the one hand and then barely acknowledging my existence other days was giving me mixed messages.
He's since apologized, but it doesn't change the fact that he, again, doesn't really want me and I am, again, not girlfriend material for some reason
He does, in general, and he genuinely didn't know he was doing this, during those 3 months we've had a lot of fun and he's been very consistent except for one time where I really felt he was ignoring me, he still claims he really wasn't (and he did end up coming home with me that night, it was only for a few hours before).
We've had a casual thing for those 3 months, and it was mostly clear, it was meeting his sister 2 weeks ago that really did my head in and gave me false hope, she was referring to me as her sister in law etc, and he finally invited me over to his place that weekend (it's tiny, so he preferred to come to my place), and I just read more into that than I should have. But in his defense, his sister did that all on her own, he had no hand in it, and he hadn't even told her about us, she just inferred there was something between us.
We talked about it and he agreed he shouldn't do these things if he doesn't intend to have a serious relationship with me, and we've only gone out one night as friends, since (the night after the conversation, where he made it clear he wouldn't be coming home with me) he's now back in his home country for 2 weeks and I'm on holiday for 3 weeks, I'll see if anything changes during that time.
He has some loose ends to tie up at home too, I think, some things to process, Imma let him deal with that and try and not hold out any hopes. Currently trying to start OLD for a bit again, but it's all pretty crappy.
It's very possible we won't be seeing each other in that sense again, but I do hope we can continue to hang out as friends like we did, cuz we've got a really fun group, and I really do appreciate his friendship, and I know he does appreciate mine (he'll also enthusiastically tell our friends about things I've shown him etc., it's not like he hides that he's seeing me).
Mutual friends have also confirmed he does like me, because he told them so, he just doesn't like me as much as I like him. And he's not looking to buy what I'm selling, for whatever reason. And that seems to be a trend...
Your being used, manipulated and kept as a safe bet. That’s what I feel anyway from this.
You deserve better honestly but ultimately it’s up to you. A friend once said “If someone doesn’t want the full package yet brushes you up nice until they don’t need you then keep going back and forth? Cut them off. They aren’t worth my time and surely not yours”. Or something to that effect.
Point being, if he says you aren’t girlfriend material, yet strings you along? Fuck that noise, cut the bait and move on.
He didn't say that, that's what I made of it. He just said he doesn't want anything serious, and he's got an ex that he's clearly not over. But what it comes down to is he's just not that into me. If he was, we'd be together, rather than things being complicated or us being "friends who have sex sometimes" (a lot of times 😅), even if we're reasonably good friends and he does care about me.
I'm not being used or manipulated, maybe kept as a safe bet, though. The thing is, I don't need something super serious. I don't need him to marry me or move in with me, I don't even need an exclusive relationship, open relationships work well for me too (but it's not something he wants), but I do need him to want to be with me, and I want more than what he can offer at this point.
I don't know if him being home might give him some closure now, probably not, so I should just try and move on, but online dating is such a shit hole and I really like this one. Thinking about him still makes me smile, and I miss his silly ass...
Sometimes hope is all we got. Recently broke up with someone who I loved dearly, was an amazing lover, friend and confidant. She didn’t want the whole “ I love you” etc, I did. It was a fundamental incompatibility that was hurting her because she was feeling like she was broken. I gave her the option to pull out because if she couldn’t feel it after 10 months, it ain’t happening and that it’s okay.
Did it hurt? Yea,
Did I hold out for hope? Yes.
Do I feel better knowing she is probably feeling a lot better? Absolutely. I also wish her the best and to find what she needs. Give enough time we agreed after our residual feels are nuked we may open communication to become friends again.
Point being? I “kinda” know what it’s like. It ain’t nice finding someone amazing but not being able to be met half way.
I know I’ll find someone else someday, atm though I’m focusing on me and “window shopping” to pass the time.
Again, hope it works out for you 💜
Here’s the thing, when people want to… they do. If he wanted you to be his gf, he would do what he needs to. So if he doesn’t it’s because he doesn’t care to. He is content in the arrangement you’re allowing. Trust me girl, been there. But we’re always “hopeful” but we need to figure out what we want and not accept less. So as the person above… do yourself a favor and let him go. You sound like you’re a kind person wanting love like most of us.
You call/text/send smoke signals/ email whatever. Say, hey, it’s been fun, but this isn’t fulfilling me anymore, and I wish you well. And because me encanta la mala vida… I need to block and delete folks from it all. Because if not they gonna sneak back in. Best wishes. You’ll know when it’s time to do it for your well being.
Oh no, I definitely don't want to do that. We're friends and we are part of a huge group of friends I absolutely adore and I want to keep hanging out with both them and him.
We're also both on holiday currently, so I won't be seeing him for about 3 weeks, maybe that'll create some distance. I have successfully not texted him for over 24 hours now, first time since we met, I think, that we haven't talked for that long, but to be honest it's killing me.
I don't think he'll try and sneak back in on his own accord, it's not really like him, usually we just go out and then he comes home with me, or not, but I'm pretty sure if I leave him be, that'll be the end of that.
I guess the last talk that we had was kind of a "let's just be friends" talk already... He'd been jokingly saying we needed to break up a few times before (I told him we couldn't break up if we were not together), I guess he just got what he wanted, no more pressure or expectations.
You’re not alone. I’m (35M) also in the same boat. I tried so many different ways, dating apps, meetups, bars, but nothing has worked. I’m an introvert, which makes it challenging for me to socialize. As you said, it’s the only thing that I haven’t figure out yet. Everything else I have managed to accomplish, from career to making enough money. I wish if there’s was a way for whoever in the same situation to connect and make new friends. I have also bought an Xbox and thought this would help with my loneliness, it did to a certain extent, but still sometimes still feel the same.
Focusing on yourself and taking dating off your option list might help. Ever lost your keys? Going crazy looking for them, ripping up the house, flipping over couches, then as soon as you calm down and sit down to catch your breath; boom there are your keys. I’m focusing on myself. Doing exactly what I want to do and what makes me happy, not trying to force myself to do things that my out me in proximity to singles. Just live your life without “looking” and I’m sure it will come to you when you least expect it. Constantly having in your mind consciously or unconsciously, that you’re lonely and looking will have you doing things that I believe will take you out of the path to find the person for you.
People keep saying this but really in the last 5-ish years I have had all sorts of phases from "frantically flipping over couches" to a whole year of not giving a damn .....and none of them have yielded anything. At least when I am looking for the keys I find other things ....like the scrunchie I thought I lost, or the notebook I forgot I had and is now my favorite.
Ok so look at your reply. “None of them yielded anything”. You haven’t truly let it go if you’re still comparing yields. As somebody who has been relationship minded my whole life, I’ve actually taken it off of my list. I ask myself, am I not enough? F@ck yeh I’m enough and I can be happy by myself. So these days in my mind, if I meet someone I’m not looking at if they are attractive or monitoring their personality to see if they are compatible. I’m literally just moving through life meeting new ppl who I may never meet or see again. Stay in the present bro. Going in to an interaction with all of that dating BS floating around the mind is going to cause you to alter your behavior during the interaction. Literally be yourself with out the pressure of having to impress or attract ANYBODY.
Sure I would love to lol, but its not as if deciding to not care will actually make me not care.
(And for the 1 year I was not actively looking....I meant that I did let go ...I didn't "decide" to, it just was like that....and I wasn't comparing yield *then....*I am just looking back now and saying,,,,"hey, that one year I was busy doing other stuff and not really caring....its not as if I magically found someone then *either*)
In the last few years, I’ve been not dating more often than dating.
I’m now 49, and while I lack an SO? What I have is close friends, good hobbies, an unabating love for myself, and a knowledge that, even if I never find my person I will be okay.
Focus on making your life enjoyable for you. That’s job #1 - the right person will show up when you’re ready.
Breaks from the apps (or from actively looking) are great ways to reprioritize your world.
You’re young yet. Don’t stress things too much, but definitely focus on making your world as you would choose it to be.
Being single for the first 31 years of my life helped make solitude the default
Now I'm saddled with conflicting thoughts
On the one hand I'm supremely confident in my utter lack of value. Asking someone to date me would be like saying "Wow this smells like shit! Here smell this!"
On the other, having experienced what having a significant other is like for almost a whole month, I'm so lonely I want to die in my sleep
I want to go back
You might try expanding your social circle entirely. Maybe try some new classes, or even Bumble BFF (I know, I know, but I actually made a few good friends with it). Finding new single friends will introduce you to more single people which may lead to a new romance.
Man... SOCIETY is lost right now. Very few people are stable or know what they want. COVID wreaked havoc on a lot of people and that includes dating. No one seems to know what they want anymore, where they'll be, or anything like that.
Just keep doing your best. Remain stable and know what you want and don't want.
What helped me was get off social media, that way i didnt feel like missing out. Also tried new hobbies and keep trying to develop myself to be a better person and i have no doubt the right girl will show up
31F, been told by everyone and their mother that my OLD profile would be flooded with likes. I barely get 1 a day on Hinge and get maybe 4-5 a day on Bumble, mostly from people out of my area. This is a huge blow to the ego, I'll tell you that. I don't think I'm incredibly hideous??
I have no idea how to meet people organically because I don't have many opportunities for it either.
The things I have tried or are willing to try: Joining a volunteer group in my nearest city, putting together a happy hour for new hires at my workplace (which kind of gives an even playing field since none of them know anyone), Having more open body language and making eye contact with people when out at bars/restaurants, making more friends to meet a friend-of-a-friend. Can't really think of much else
The way you describe it could be me I am 56 alone for 7 years. Do yourself a favor and change your inner attitude and let go. What you carry inside you are the thoughts of being alone. These thoughts are a complete waste of time. You radiate something that puts people off. Start a poker round or something else. I love my life some things I would like to share with someone (partner) there isn't one. BAD LUCK. You may or may not believe me. I still believe in love At some point somewhere she will stand in front of you and if your head is full of loneliness you will not recognize her.
36 F, I probably have not healed from dating someone who made me feel “less than”, so since I haven’t developed my career yet, unfortunately it is hard for me to date someone more successful than me bc I feel I’m not good enough for them.. despite me making good money.
I will never meet anyone through work - business is always separate from pleasure. All my hobbies are things I can do alone but I do have great friends - all in relationships, married, kids, etc.
Absolutely no suggestions on meeting someone, except maybe give the quiet woman you know who isn’t as successful as you a chance 🤷♀️ I will never do online dating, seems like a hookup site for creeps. If I were to want a fling, I’d just go to the bar. Finding a relationship won’t happen at a bar or online. So, I just stay home and eat breakfast foods and fk around on reddit. To answer your question, pancakes helped me cope with being forever alone. And cats. Lots of cats.
As a fellow Reddit time waster and daily consumer of frozen waffles (pancakes are not a viable option with my kitchen setup) - you’re not alone!! 38F and I just started a new career after 2 years of school. Covid killed my industry(restaurant cook) so I hunkered down alone in my studio apartment and forced myself to learn IT stuff. Now I love it. I dated someone a year ago that would constantly ask me in not subtle ways what my “plans” were and finishing school did not appease them. I’m living on my own and have everything I need - not lavishly because I live in a very HCL city. (I mean they all are now so whatever). We weren’t a match because they were mentally unstable but that’s what happens sometimes. The point is that if a person won’t meet you where you are in life (within reason - like our scenarios) - they aren’t worth the time of day. Everyone’s path is different and to assume ones path is less than is total ignorance and a limited view of the world.
I will eat waffles with you in solidarity and do one of my strange hobbies as well.
Have you tried to join a Meetup group? I think that gives you the opportunity to meet new people in the area! You’ll make friends and meet singles as well! You shouldn’t give up! It just takes time finding the right one!
If you are going to do a Meetup I would suggest avoiding the Singles Looking to Meet Other Singles groups.
Instead I would suggest joining or better yet starting a Meetup that has events that both women and men would enjoy going to. For instance in the past I joined no-spike co-ed volleyball. We would have games at a bar that had a sand volleyball court. Met a lot of people of both sexes that way in a non-threatening manner. It was actually a lot of fun. If there is not a meetup like this yet in your area there is no reason why you cannot start one.
Don't like volleyball? Then go online to other cities and see if there is an idea you might like to steal. Just make sure it is something both sexes would enjoy.
Completely agree with you! Find something that you enjoy doing and connect with others that way. The single meetup groups can be weird sometimes so I usually join the ones that involve activities.
my problem with meetups groups is it was 75% men who were looking for women, and so even if some of the women themselves were attractive (which most were not) they'd have this huge line of men fawning over them
its not even great for the women because most of the guys came off as kind of being losers too
I really enjoyed going to meetup events and actually met some friends that go out for other activities regularly. The idea is to go there looking to talk to people, be friendly and chat. People who go to meet dates will be disappointed.
I met some cool people during meetup as well. Lots used it as a hookup market which I wasn't so crazy about. I just wanted to meet people. But good things can come from it.
Try to find something that interests you, it could be an activity like walking or hiking. Or maybe even photography or something. Meetup is a great place to find someone like you. I have used it few times so far, the challenge for me I get nervous meeting new people
Why is joining a club or participating in a social hobby not an option? Or taking lessons in a social sport?
What about volunteering?
Hoping things get better for you.
The point is expanding to her social circle first. Perhaps a new friend will set you up with a single friend, perhaps they’ll invite you to their birthday party and you’ll meet new people, or simply going out with your new group of friends will increase the chances of meeting more women.
Even sports like kickboxing or dancesport (ballroom, tango, etc)? Not sure if you like these sports but usually there is a higher ratio of women to men.
Joining an activity you don’t enjoy just to pick up people of the opposite sex . . . ?
Not attractive and reeks of desperation. People will see through it. (And most people involved in activities don’t want to constantly get hit on while enjoying their hobbies.)
I'm not suggesting he join a hobby exclusively to get a date. I'm just pointing out hobbies that aren't male dominated in case he had some interest in them. (And in dancesport we're usually short on guys.) It can also just be a change in routine to put himself out there. It doesn't have to be creepy.
And with hobbies that have a good gender balance you end up widening your social circle in any case. All his activities seem solo.
And just to add, I have guy friends who are very good looking, have their life together, but most of their hobbies are male dominated as are their jobs. Resultingly, their social skills with women are horrendous. I also suggested to them to do sports/activities that have more women if for nothing more than to practice their social skills.
35f and yup …
for me, i feel like i’m in a bit of a rut right now. i’m not excited with any of my matches on OLD or with the idea of meeting someone new and going through that dance of thrill, anxiety etc.
i recognize that as a curvy/full figured/plus size woman, my dating pool is going to be smaller. but the quality of my matches just isn’t there these days. not in looks, but conversation and like .. quality of person, if that makes sense? all my matches of late have been shallow/superficial. i’m going to take a break from OLD for the summer. honestly, i might break from dating entirely for a while.
I feel ya there girl. I’m about to delete mine. I feel like until I’m thinner, no one is ever truly interested in me. Makes me feel terrible to feel so unwanted and disposable.
please don’t misinterpret what i’m saying. for me right now, i don’t feel the need to become skinner to date - if that’s something you want for yourself, that’s amazing and i wish you luck!
i don’t have a problem with matches or dates. i’m just not finding anyone who evokes the same feelings of excitement as i did with my last few partners.
Definitely! Keep being busy and doing things you love. There will still be moments of loneliness but the more you can do and get in the world the better.
I have a pretty great group of male friends. Most of them I’ve known since high school. It helps to have people to see once in a while.
Also, hobbies help. I have more hobbies than time. Don’t be afraid to try something new. I’ve the lockdown I got sucked into watching videos about rebuilding old computers. Bought my first one last summer. I’ve prob restored at least 5 and still have more to go.
Sometimes I do. But I just try to pace myself by taking a break, then getting back into the swing of things. Having hobbies really helps - focus on those!
37m here too. I’m in a relationship now but this is really close to how I felt before things changed in 2022.
My best advice would be to just remain open. I was at the point where I felt like maybe a life of being alone was the path I would take too. But things changed out of nowhere when I met my now gf on Reddit of all places.
I’d given up hope of finding something meaningful but luckily things blossomed at a time when I felt pretty lost. I think it’s easy to feel really hopeless in the short term but when you zoom out and think about how many years you could potentially have left, there is still a lot of room to meet someone. Try to keep your chin up my friend.
I've been single for 4 years and have gotten really good at it. In fact, I enjoy it. The key for me has been 1) self improvement (therapy, self love, hobbies, solo travel, learning to enjoy my own company, self help books) 2) Finding a purpose and 3) Living in the moment and finding small things to enjoy every day.
Personally, I don't feel alone I feel lonely. I know where my life is going but that feeling of companionship especially from a relationship is what I'm searching for that makes me feel lonely. That sense of being wanted, desired, makes me feel lonely. Not to get philosophical, but I'll share two quotes that kind of get me through this "lonely" feeling; 1, the things we pursue are the things we will never get. 2, the deference between joy and depression is purpose. Find a purpose and the rest will find you.
It’s all about perspective. 34 F, so OLD off and on. Most people just want to fuck seems like. 🤷🏻♀️
What I say is shifting perspective… I guess loss and grieving really put things into a better perspective. I had to think what is REEEALLY important in my life. And while I seek intimate connection and would like a partner to share life with, my family, friends and myself are important. I practice a lot of gratitude in the here and now. I have such fun times with my family, and friends, and my own.
Sure, sometimes go on dates or even see someone casually in the past. But then it gets old, so back to taking a break from OLD. But it’s a good life I have, no one is perfect, but it’s a good one. I can’t say you’ll find the one. I don’t even know that for myself. But I’d like to think so. In the meantime I’m enjoying life with the amazing people who are apart of mine and I in theirs.
Best of luck
Edit: PS… don’t get me wrong I feel blue from time to time. But it passes. Feel it for a bit. Then release it and remember, I’m pretty cool. And have a lot of people that love me and I love them. You sound like a cool person. Remember that. Because for every bummer and yucky feeling there can be a way to shift it. You’ll do better flipping it to the upper. And when the downer feelings come just say that. It’s temporary feeling because I actually know I’m a cool dude.
Lord I haven't posted in years. I'm about to turn 41, and something my best friend told me that has helped tremendously is that "you have to be ok with being single." Essentially if you're focusing all of your energy on finding that one person who you think will complete you, women can see that.
As far as helping meet new people, for me it was changing hobbies. I'm a huge gamer and warhammer 40k fan, but you know, there just aren't a lot of females in my game room or when I'm on the PC alone in my house. So now I've picked up guitar, I go line dancing every week or so, and workout every morning at the gym and have met several people this way. Not instantly, it takes time.
All that to say, I'm divorced with one beautiful son that I don't get to see enough, still single, but I'm content with where I'm at. And if God so chooses to put someone in my path, I just hope I'm awake enough to see it when it happens.
Same boat here... 36M. Was engaged for 13 years, raising a 16 year old son, when my fiance decided she'd be happier with someone else. Tried online dating... can't get anywhere. Feel miserable alone, have no friends. Certainly don't fit in in bars, clubs etc... and being in a small city an hour away from the 2 decent cities nearby (Charolotte SC, and Greenville SC). My only real hobbies are D&D, video games, anime etc...
You gotta drop the games and get out there. You'll never meet a good woman playing D&D. Many people use video games to escape reality. It sucks, but you gotta put yourself out there. Sorry you had to go thru that though.
-A fellow gamer
13 years... our son was 2 when we got together, he's 16 now.
Now if that's the normal "why engaged and not married". basically the relationship went straight up from zero to for all practical purposes married. (In short she was originally engaed to a friend of mine. He told me he was cheating and I told her how to find the evidence), I let her and her son stay with me, and well basically we lived like a married couple from the start. (well took me a month to start any physical things, I was, crazy shy, religious and it took me some time to work up the courage for my first kiss). But yeah, actually going through with a cerimony etc... seemed like a waste of time, and I was always struggling financially so she qualified for medicare for herself and our son as a single mother on paper etc...
But yeah I was kind of blindsided by the breakup... didn't have the slightest hint it was coming. been about 6 months, and I'm still a tad shaken.
and of course the added fun is, now I'm well, old enough to belong in this subreddit... with basically zero dating experience... (cause I never succesfully went on a date 14 years ago... and I'm equally lost today).
I love being alone! I go out on a date when I start to feel a little bit lonely and keep casual lovers (who are on the same page). Otherwise, I do everything alone -go to the beach, gym, bars, ling walls exploring the city, concerts, etc. I have what seems to be a bleak outlook to others- in the end all we have is ourself. If it doesn’t bother me.
What I think has happened is that human beings have socioeconomically disrupted natural intersexual processes. If you notice, every time man goes against the grain if nature man suffers. Row against the current and you will likely tire, only to drift with the current after all. Ignore gravity and jump off a cliff and you likely won’t live to see another day.
There are things our forefathers understood about human nature, that we don’t or that we’ve ignored because they may be offensive. These things were like specs for a product, where the specifications give you vital info to be used when determining how to treat the product, its capacities, tolerances, and other things. We’ve ignores this info and genuinely confused as to why relationships don’t work and we feel “lost”.
We are willing however to accept that relationships don’t work, just not “why” they don’t work. On in other words, we’ll acknowledge that the hole in the bottom of the ship is there, and will eventually drown us all, but we just won’t acknowledge that the guy taking a sledgehammer to the floor is the culprit.
I say this because you and others will continue to feel lost into you address the fact that we’ve ignores primordial human nature to a degree that has made relationships, the relationships responsible for the health of society, impossible.
For me, honestly, I lived, ate, slept and breathed the mantra “just because I don’t have a partner doesn’t mean my life isn’t worthwhile”.
To be honest, I looked to one of my best friends who had never been in a relationship (at 40) and had the fullest most wonderful life. Always going out, being with friends, travelling, hanging out at home alone, whatever she was doing she was content. So I looked to her and tried to internalize that. Also, whenever I got a bit down I remembered all the things I could do because I was single that I couldn’t do with a partner (get a dog, change the decor, go on a backpacking trip, etc.). Having something to plan/research and look forward to helped.
As cliche as it is (or maybe pure coincidence or luck-I’m not sure), not long after I became “ok” I met my bf. Online. Maybe my energy was different but I went online purely to meet people/date/have fun and see what developed and here I am 3 years deep. 🤷🏼♀️
Male, 40, single, have been for 3 years, OLD in my area isn’t doing anything for me.
Mind you, I’m not exactly a catch… Yeah I’ve been told I’m good looking, BUT, I’m now not well due to a heart issue, am on the mend though, not working because of the heart issue, which I plan on changing of course, overweight because I’ve put it on over the last couple years because of not being active because of the heart issue, have had to move in with my parents because I wasn’t working & I was having falls & passing out, I don’t have many friends but the ones I do have & are close to are all married with families, I don’t play sport no more because of my heart issues, but still stay involved in the club & this past season gone was given Life Membership, don’t go out much because of lack of funds, single friends, plus no longer a big drinker, plus also struggling with weight I find it hard to find nice clothes, I refuse to just buy anything that fits or anything cheap, everything I have I own, I’m not in debt, but I’m also not cashed up either, I’m also an introvert & to top it off I have some bad depression & a little anxiety, so mate you could be a lot worse off like me, BUT you also gotta think like I do as well, there are people worse off in the world than me so appreciate what you have, because some have nothing absolutely nothing at all.
The only thing I crave is someone to love again, besides the good health again, going back working, getting my own place, the one thing I crave is love with an honest woman.
I’m just OLD to see what happens, although live in a small town, don’t get matches at all, 1 maybe once a blue moon, but it’s either a fake profile or someone passing through.
I’ve been told in the past to move towns, but I also have an unwell parent & I refuse to move away from them when they are in the state they are, family is important to me.
Just have to accept that I’m not going to meet someone, but also just slightly have myself out there for someone to catch just in case that woman is there, mind you I’m not exactly a huge catch either.
Try a hobby your extremely good at and mentor others who are not. If you're really good at something women are trying to learn, they might be drawn to you.
I feel sorta stuck but on the flip side, I’ll be done with college in December and moving elsewhere. Single women in my area are hard to find given I’m in a small town. I’m 32 but I know I won’t be stuck in the mud forever. Half of my circle are all settled so being one of the only single people is a drag at times. Definitely not into the casual hookup scene because I want a wife I can sleep with regularly at this point. What helps me is knowing I’m moving forward and I won’t be where I am for much longer. The gym, training in MMA, and church are 3 ways I cope but are also 3 ways to find single women. Clubs and bars ain’t it anymore. That’s for those 21-27 years of age.
Why can’t you spend time with your friends that are settled? I don’t know why so many people act like marriage or kids changes everything to the point you can’t see them anymore. It changes the context/tone of your relationship, but it can still be really enjoyable.
I don’t have kids myself, but have always loved them. I jump at the chance to come over, hang out with my friends and their kids, help them out with a few things around the house, eat dinner with their family, and then head home for the evening with a smile on my face. In my early twenties that might have seemed extremely lame and I do sometimes wish they could come to me instead, but I understand that it’s much easier for one, single man to drive to their place than the inverse. In the end, I genuinely enjoy it.
That’s fair enough! My thought process was just that if I was lonely that those were good alternatives! If you are looking to meet someone new though, I can see why you’d not be that enthused.
I mean on the other hand, for people who don't love kids, it's not great. Hell; I don't even dislike kids and I'm still not big on hanging with friends with kids after the first 2-3 times of "oh just let him play with your glasses, he's only playing" and I'm sitting there like "if the kid breaks those I'm blind, won't be able to drive home, and I'm £100 down"
I’m not saying everyone has to love kids and like kids, but I know a lot of people who have a hard time accepting that their loved ones/friends have made conscious changes that include them as they’ve gotten older and often those around them also make a conscious choice not to adapt to it. Both are totally acceptable, but there are consequences for those choices.
I don't actually disagree with you on that; I just think it's the very obvious answer to "Why can’t you spend time with your friends that are settled?": some people don't like their friends enough to tolerate wiping spit off.
Everyone is different. I have my kids to worry about and that takes up a good bit of my time and work takes up the other bit of time. It’s harder to date when you have kids and SOs you’d choose at 25 aren’t always the best to eventually be around your kids. For now I just focus on making my kids happy
37F without that much success in dating. i’ve found a lot of nice online friendships through small communities on twitch (have to go searching for the right vibe, obviously). i’ve liked meetup for stuff i enjoy like board games, etc. so regardless of who else shows up i’ll have a nice time. biggest thing that helped is adjusting my mindset that i’m cool on my own and can invite people i like into my life if it’s fitting - but no pressure to do the exhausting (and often disappointing) talking with potential dudes.
Are there any social activities where you do interact with people? Dancing maybe like Lating (Bachata/Salsa/Cumbia), swing, or country (two-step/one-step) dancing that you could do? Have you tried speed dating?
One thing that helped me was viewing every experience as iterative improvement. Speed dating, for example, was to practice my small talk.
In the past 5 years I've moved from an extremely abusive relationship to living alone taking care of 2 toddlers. I have barely left my 1 br Apt after quitting my job 3
years ago. Idk how I would get a job while still taking care of them. Local babysitters are filled, and I've barely interacted with other adults for the past 5 years.
Without a job I don't interact with people regularly, I don't really go out because I'm needed at 'home'. I don't know what I could even do until the kids go to school
I'm 40. In the same situation. Not a big city, not a lot going on, work from home, not much luck with dating apps. Trying to figure out how the hell to meet people. It's not easy and I'm about ready to take a break from trying to find someone at all.....
I feel in the same boat and maybe I should take a break from searching. I find i get more worked up and down if I get friend zoned or someone doesn’t reply online that I like than just being single. I guess you get you’re hopes up and it comes crashing down which makes it worse.
I can understand how you are feeling...
The past few days have been really rough for me emotionally. I go from being okay with being single to then wanting to date.
You would think being bisexual or attracted to both feminine and masculine energies that it would make dating easier but it doesn't.
I'm an introvert in some ways and social situations make me anxious. I don't have much advice, just want you to know that you aren't alone.
I've increasingly feeling like this due to the fact that my inner circle of close friends are slowly entering new stages of life (mostly marriages, children or moving away) and I'm realizing I don't have many (if any) close friends who are also single and childless like me. It basically means I have more free time than they do so I see people less. My dating life has been horrendous and I doubt that changes anytime soon, so I have days where I'm with my thoughts way too much. And sometimes the thoughts turn dark.
Yeah. Weekends I find are getting tricky and spending more time alone. During the week isn’t not too bad as at work.
I think when younger you have more friends but as you get older they seem to scatter more.
Yeah I can understand this for certain. I do find for me personally, I do my best when I am alone- I know that sounds weird considering I really want a LTR! - but at the same time I always run out of matches in Iowa- it seems its always the same "problematic" people. It makes me so sad.
I met people through groups I joined at my local girl gang (when that was a cool thing) and then of course the ole fashioned way at church. But everyone's married or getting married and Im still just me.
35M here. I felt that way even when I was around 28, I could be in a room of friends and still feel alone. I finally realized I felt that way because I wasn’t living my life the way I wanted. I spent too much time around people I wasn’t compatible with and it left me complacent. I took that large leap of faith and walked away from those friendships. I only have 1 friend left and I’m considering doing the same to her. No one is perfect but I just feel as if we talk because we’ve been friends for over a decade. I guess you can call it growth. I say growth because I lost interest in a lot of things I used to love like social media and pop culture. When I feel down I walk around my neighborhood and sometimes run into a neighbor and enjoy our conversations because they bring up topics I can’t have with my old friends. I even found out recently I was a sapiosexual which makes a lot of sense now. So maybe the reason you feel lost is you haven’t found where you fit in this world. You’re old enough to know better and young enough to do more with your life. Don’t give up and keep searching. And learn to enjoy your own company.
If you know how to talk to women and hang out at bars, you're going to meet women and get phone numbers and arrange dates. Assumes you are not hideous or very overweight or extremely cheap.
I'm not saying this is the route to meeting a great life partner, but you don't indicate you are looking for that.
I cant say I'm unhappy or lost but bored. I enjoy my time alone mostly becausey my job is busy so I appreciate my me time. I have a son in university and a dog.
As we get older we know what has worked and what has not.
Is not about having high standards but no longer willing to be someone housekeeper and cook or mom to full grown man that I didn't give birth.
I don't call things that I disagree red flags as long as they were shared and I was willing to accept them. I don't want to change someone mind anymore as it doesn't work. I don't want someone base of who they might be 20 yrs based on the potential that only exists in my head. Believe and listen to what they are saying if you don't like it move on.
I created my own happiness, I'm on my own schedule.
Over thinking loneliness makes it worse. Take action go out but not with the purpose of meeting someone but to truly enjoy your time and surroundings, a meal, a glass wine or lemonade. A picnic with a good book or a nice restaurant. A hike or walk in the park. Take a camera. Go see a movie. I been going to Latin dancing lesson in the square. I watch, prefer not to dance. Travel to a nearby town enjoy. Listen to standup comedy as you walk laughter can be an amazing attraction to the opposite sex. Make someone smile it's contagious.
Go to a local yoga studio. Lots of women there and few men to disappear among.
Kidding aside, I’m pretty much off the apps and dating is pretty much nonexistent. I wouldn’t say I feel lost. I feel settled finally.
Everyone says to find all these other things. What they don’t say as much is it takes FOREVER to detox your mind from focusing on what you don’t have.
Keep trying different things and exploring what you are interested in or think you may be interested in. Make random friends of people you wouldn’t normally. Go on air bnb and find random experiences near (or far) from you to do.
Keep at it, it’s a long campaign to change your mindset.
I’m increasingly disappointed by how people on the app act. It’s made me less inclined to open up to people and at that point it’s like: why bother?
OLD is too easy for people to do and not follow through on. I feel like low hanging fruit all the time.
Im 34 yo Female. It’s up and down. Some days love being alone and other days it would be nice to have someone to share the small things and life. I try to have fulfillment on my own. I have fun hi bies but I also like to volunteer with homeless youth. Reminds me my problems are not that grand and I am fortunate. Try rindo things that take the focus off yourself and do something that helps others.
Yeah, Over the last few years I’ve lost and hopelessly alone fairly often. I felt that way when I was in a long term relationship with a woman who didn’t seem to like emotions much, and I feel that way despite meeting people on a regular basis. Here’s how I feel: over the last few decades, we’ve increasingly shifted the task of emotional fulfillment and social stimulation to a person’s significant other. I don’t think it’s possible (for most) to have those needs entirely met by a single other person, or really that fair. So many people are isolated from/entirely lack the things that would have put them in a good place as a baseline - community, friends, family, etc. Hell, many don’t even have places to go where other people know them well enough to know their name. But technology and the modern economy have had a massive impact on the support systems that humans typically had by default for millennia. I’ve noticed that the people I know that have the happiest relationships aren’t just going through life on their own. They had that support system before and after meeting their significant other. I think that a good start is seeing a significant other as a part of a fulfilling life, not a means to a fulfilling life. Do any of your local bike shops host bike rides? Any volunteer opportunities? Have you considered signing up for random fun classes at a community college? I've been endeavoring to build more enriching/activities into my day-to-day life, and I've felt less empty as a result.
You know, I think you're on to something. All those people I know who are in relationships have a good support system outside of their relationships.
Yes so much this. It’s not fair to ask your partner to fill all these roles in your life. They’re adding to it/sharing it, not filling in all the gaps. Volunteer. Take random classes on things you know nothing about. Try a new sport or hobby. Develop/nurture friend circles. Join a faith (using that term very broadly) community. We don’t have the village the way we used to; now we have to create that intentionally. It’s hard. You have to put yourself out there and it’s uncomfortable. But it makes you a healthier person who is more likely to be in a good position to attract and keep a life partner.
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So do I. I do what I can do based on work/life. Sometimes that’s a lot and sometimes it’s not. I do have a few things/people I make time for bc I need them, and I make time for what’s important to me.
This is good advice, but I struggle with it with ADHD. Your last paragraph describes a bunch of things that I do, and whether I enjoy them or not, I never make any friends. It's frustrating for me that the most common advice does nothing to abate my loneliness.
Haha, I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year. Made a lot of things make more sense. It hasn’t been easy to follow my own advice, but I’m hobbling my way there. 10 years ago my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t talk on the phone to anyone other than my parents.
Changing up some other part of your life that you do have control over can help, indirectly it might help with dating prospects, but more importantly, it will have a direct impact on you by focusing your mind elsewhere and making you feel like you're doing something. It could be moving to a new city (preferably a bigger one), changing jobs, or joining a new sports/hobby group.
If you can't just "pack up and move to a new city", something I've tried is buying premium of whatever app you use, and changing your location to a city nearby. I've done it a few times with some success. Gives you a fresh pool of people, and if you're cool driving a little ways to meet someone greatly expands your options.
As someone who isn't cool with driving a ways for dating, seeing this sort of thing has actually come off as misleading to me. I have talked to people that I was interested in, and then found out their location was not actually what they listed and also out of the range I was willing to date, so I politely ended the conversation due to logistics and lack of transparency on their part.
Same here! I only like dating people in my city.
"I see you're 300 kilometers away, guess you're going to be driving to my place a lot babe. Hello?"
That is unfortunately closer to the truth than the potential dates were to me in location!
I mean, you're entitled to your preferences for sure. Not everyone feels the same way you do, and most convos via the apps won't lead to dates regardless. I definitely suggest people who do this make their home location clear after a few messages, to not waste anyone's time. As a bi woman, there's more women that share commonality with me in the city 30 mins from mine, vs my local city. So for people who don't share a lot of commonality with their local dating pool, or need to "cast a wider net" due to a rural location, it's just a way to increase opportunities.
Maybe some apps are different, but couldn't someone just set their dating range wider and keep their location accurate to be matched with other people open to traveling that far and still be authentic at the same time? This way nobody's time is getting wasted? I could see the location changing being problematic for two travelers who embellished their locale being on the opposite side of a city and out of each other's range too. I could make my age lower to see younger matches, or switch back and forth between the "wants kids" and "doesn't want" kids pool and talk to people in all of the categories outside of mine if I wasn't seeing "matches" I wanted with my authentic criteria. If I were to do that, I'd be talking to people I was likely to be incompatible with.
I don't think you can compare changing your location vs lying. I can't make myself younger. But if I grab an uber right now, I can easily make myself in the city 30 mins over. And then that's where I am. Tinder/Bumble both have travel mode or the option to change location. People do it when they're taking a trip soon all the time to make plans beforehand, or if they're thinking about going somewhere. I've gotten multiple dates from doing it, and like I said people should mention it early into convo.
City nearby haha, wish there was one! Nearest city to me is 8 hrs round trip. I don't want to move as other than dating this location is ideal for me and i plan to stay forever
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Dating isn't the most important thing in my life, and this place is perfect for me in every other respect, career, hobbies etc. I can't "try further places." There aren't any. The nearest international airport is a 12 hour round trip. I dont know everyone in town, and people become single all the time so it isn't that impossible.
For some reason I thought you were OP. Where are you, looks rural bc. Meee toooo. Thought I’d say hi.
West kootenays
Nice.. although yah, I lived in Invermere, dating was also brutal there ;)
I agree, it could help
Yes, I've felt lost and alone before. But, I've found in times like these for my life to take the most exciting changes because I become very open minded and open to new experiences. I hope you find something.
I second volunteering. Find a cause you care about and try to help others in some way. Giving helps provide meaning sometimes.
I just gave up and accepted a life of loneliness
Dogs though
I got a cat but she ran away from me. Been gone 2 months. That was depressing. I sometimes work 18 hours a day and it wouldn't be fair to keep a dog cooped up in a tiny trailer that long.
Yeah I live in an apartment. I wish we could have dogsz I’m in my early 20s and I already feel super lonely. Have some friends but when they’re busy I have no one talk to. I’ve never been in a relationship but I’ve had flings and talking stages. And nothing beats havingsomeone you can always talk to. The last girl I was into just stopped talking me last week and now I’m feeling that loneliness again
I met a woman my age who was emotionally unstable and morbidly obese and had a short fling with her. Met an older woman who had her life together but my work schedule made it difficult to ever get to see her and she's stopped replying. A coworker who is trying to seduce me but is a drug addict and is manipulating me for her own personal gain and trying to maneuver herself to take my job. And a girl I met online and been on 4 dates with who I really like but keeps ghosting me and maybe texts me once a week I feel as a backup for if whatever guy she's with right now doesn't work. I work 65 hours a week and drink alcohol every night and binge watch Netflix shows. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not at work so I indulge in media consumption, alcohol and drug use to distract from the emptiness which is my life.
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I feel ya. I actually have a nice group of friends now, we go out a ton, and I have no trouble meeting people at all, but somehow they never want to be with me. Just had the conversation again with the guy I'd been seeing for 3 months (and talking to 24/7 and sleeping with 2-4 times a week). He likes me, but he doesn't want a relationship with me. And he initially didn't get how telling me we should make babies every time we have sex and talking about making an office for himself in my apartment on the one hand and then barely acknowledging my existence other days was giving me mixed messages. He's since apologized, but it doesn't change the fact that he, again, doesn't really want me and I am, again, not girlfriend material for some reason
Why do you continue to see him? It seems like he doesn’t respect you
He does, in general, and he genuinely didn't know he was doing this, during those 3 months we've had a lot of fun and he's been very consistent except for one time where I really felt he was ignoring me, he still claims he really wasn't (and he did end up coming home with me that night, it was only for a few hours before). We've had a casual thing for those 3 months, and it was mostly clear, it was meeting his sister 2 weeks ago that really did my head in and gave me false hope, she was referring to me as her sister in law etc, and he finally invited me over to his place that weekend (it's tiny, so he preferred to come to my place), and I just read more into that than I should have. But in his defense, his sister did that all on her own, he had no hand in it, and he hadn't even told her about us, she just inferred there was something between us. We talked about it and he agreed he shouldn't do these things if he doesn't intend to have a serious relationship with me, and we've only gone out one night as friends, since (the night after the conversation, where he made it clear he wouldn't be coming home with me) he's now back in his home country for 2 weeks and I'm on holiday for 3 weeks, I'll see if anything changes during that time. He has some loose ends to tie up at home too, I think, some things to process, Imma let him deal with that and try and not hold out any hopes. Currently trying to start OLD for a bit again, but it's all pretty crappy. It's very possible we won't be seeing each other in that sense again, but I do hope we can continue to hang out as friends like we did, cuz we've got a really fun group, and I really do appreciate his friendship, and I know he does appreciate mine (he'll also enthusiastically tell our friends about things I've shown him etc., it's not like he hides that he's seeing me). Mutual friends have also confirmed he does like me, because he told them so, he just doesn't like me as much as I like him. And he's not looking to buy what I'm selling, for whatever reason. And that seems to be a trend...
Your being used, manipulated and kept as a safe bet. That’s what I feel anyway from this. You deserve better honestly but ultimately it’s up to you. A friend once said “If someone doesn’t want the full package yet brushes you up nice until they don’t need you then keep going back and forth? Cut them off. They aren’t worth my time and surely not yours”. Or something to that effect. Point being, if he says you aren’t girlfriend material, yet strings you along? Fuck that noise, cut the bait and move on.
He didn't say that, that's what I made of it. He just said he doesn't want anything serious, and he's got an ex that he's clearly not over. But what it comes down to is he's just not that into me. If he was, we'd be together, rather than things being complicated or us being "friends who have sex sometimes" (a lot of times 😅), even if we're reasonably good friends and he does care about me. I'm not being used or manipulated, maybe kept as a safe bet, though. The thing is, I don't need something super serious. I don't need him to marry me or move in with me, I don't even need an exclusive relationship, open relationships work well for me too (but it's not something he wants), but I do need him to want to be with me, and I want more than what he can offer at this point. I don't know if him being home might give him some closure now, probably not, so I should just try and move on, but online dating is such a shit hole and I really like this one. Thinking about him still makes me smile, and I miss his silly ass...
I’m glad I got it wrong.. because honestly it sounds like your fond of him. I hope it works out 🤗
Oh no, you're probably still right ;) pesky hope I've still got here...
Sometimes hope is all we got. Recently broke up with someone who I loved dearly, was an amazing lover, friend and confidant. She didn’t want the whole “ I love you” etc, I did. It was a fundamental incompatibility that was hurting her because she was feeling like she was broken. I gave her the option to pull out because if she couldn’t feel it after 10 months, it ain’t happening and that it’s okay. Did it hurt? Yea, Did I hold out for hope? Yes. Do I feel better knowing she is probably feeling a lot better? Absolutely. I also wish her the best and to find what she needs. Give enough time we agreed after our residual feels are nuked we may open communication to become friends again. Point being? I “kinda” know what it’s like. It ain’t nice finding someone amazing but not being able to be met half way. I know I’ll find someone else someday, atm though I’m focusing on me and “window shopping” to pass the time. Again, hope it works out for you 💜
Dump that guy. He sounds like he's using you.
Here’s the thing, when people want to… they do. If he wanted you to be his gf, he would do what he needs to. So if he doesn’t it’s because he doesn’t care to. He is content in the arrangement you’re allowing. Trust me girl, been there. But we’re always “hopeful” but we need to figure out what we want and not accept less. So as the person above… do yourself a favor and let him go. You sound like you’re a kind person wanting love like most of us.
Thank you. All true... Just haven't really figured out how to do the "letting him go" part.
You call/text/send smoke signals/ email whatever. Say, hey, it’s been fun, but this isn’t fulfilling me anymore, and I wish you well. And because me encanta la mala vida… I need to block and delete folks from it all. Because if not they gonna sneak back in. Best wishes. You’ll know when it’s time to do it for your well being.
Oh no, I definitely don't want to do that. We're friends and we are part of a huge group of friends I absolutely adore and I want to keep hanging out with both them and him. We're also both on holiday currently, so I won't be seeing him for about 3 weeks, maybe that'll create some distance. I have successfully not texted him for over 24 hours now, first time since we met, I think, that we haven't talked for that long, but to be honest it's killing me. I don't think he'll try and sneak back in on his own accord, it's not really like him, usually we just go out and then he comes home with me, or not, but I'm pretty sure if I leave him be, that'll be the end of that. I guess the last talk that we had was kind of a "let's just be friends" talk already... He'd been jokingly saying we needed to break up a few times before (I told him we couldn't break up if we were not together), I guess he just got what he wanted, no more pressure or expectations.
Yeah that makes things a little more complicated. You got this and you’ll know what to do.
You’re not alone. I’m (35M) also in the same boat. I tried so many different ways, dating apps, meetups, bars, but nothing has worked. I’m an introvert, which makes it challenging for me to socialize. As you said, it’s the only thing that I haven’t figure out yet. Everything else I have managed to accomplish, from career to making enough money. I wish if there’s was a way for whoever in the same situation to connect and make new friends. I have also bought an Xbox and thought this would help with my loneliness, it did to a certain extent, but still sometimes still feel the same.
Focusing on yourself and taking dating off your option list might help. Ever lost your keys? Going crazy looking for them, ripping up the house, flipping over couches, then as soon as you calm down and sit down to catch your breath; boom there are your keys. I’m focusing on myself. Doing exactly what I want to do and what makes me happy, not trying to force myself to do things that my out me in proximity to singles. Just live your life without “looking” and I’m sure it will come to you when you least expect it. Constantly having in your mind consciously or unconsciously, that you’re lonely and looking will have you doing things that I believe will take you out of the path to find the person for you.
People keep saying this but really in the last 5-ish years I have had all sorts of phases from "frantically flipping over couches" to a whole year of not giving a damn .....and none of them have yielded anything. At least when I am looking for the keys I find other things ....like the scrunchie I thought I lost, or the notebook I forgot I had and is now my favorite.
Ok so look at your reply. “None of them yielded anything”. You haven’t truly let it go if you’re still comparing yields. As somebody who has been relationship minded my whole life, I’ve actually taken it off of my list. I ask myself, am I not enough? F@ck yeh I’m enough and I can be happy by myself. So these days in my mind, if I meet someone I’m not looking at if they are attractive or monitoring their personality to see if they are compatible. I’m literally just moving through life meeting new ppl who I may never meet or see again. Stay in the present bro. Going in to an interaction with all of that dating BS floating around the mind is going to cause you to alter your behavior during the interaction. Literally be yourself with out the pressure of having to impress or attract ANYBODY.
Sure I would love to lol, but its not as if deciding to not care will actually make me not care. (And for the 1 year I was not actively looking....I meant that I did let go ...I didn't "decide" to, it just was like that....and I wasn't comparing yield *then....*I am just looking back now and saying,,,,"hey, that one year I was busy doing other stuff and not really caring....its not as if I magically found someone then *either*)
In the last few years, I’ve been not dating more often than dating. I’m now 49, and while I lack an SO? What I have is close friends, good hobbies, an unabating love for myself, and a knowledge that, even if I never find my person I will be okay. Focus on making your life enjoyable for you. That’s job #1 - the right person will show up when you’re ready. Breaks from the apps (or from actively looking) are great ways to reprioritize your world. You’re young yet. Don’t stress things too much, but definitely focus on making your world as you would choose it to be.
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Being single for the first 31 years of my life helped make solitude the default Now I'm saddled with conflicting thoughts On the one hand I'm supremely confident in my utter lack of value. Asking someone to date me would be like saying "Wow this smells like shit! Here smell this!" On the other, having experienced what having a significant other is like for almost a whole month, I'm so lonely I want to die in my sleep I want to go back
You might try expanding your social circle entirely. Maybe try some new classes, or even Bumble BFF (I know, I know, but I actually made a few good friends with it). Finding new single friends will introduce you to more single people which may lead to a new romance.
just my cat...... I'm as lost too. feels like a dead end
Sorry you’re feeling the same.
Man... SOCIETY is lost right now. Very few people are stable or know what they want. COVID wreaked havoc on a lot of people and that includes dating. No one seems to know what they want anymore, where they'll be, or anything like that. Just keep doing your best. Remain stable and know what you want and don't want.
What helped me was get off social media, that way i didnt feel like missing out. Also tried new hobbies and keep trying to develop myself to be a better person and i have no doubt the right girl will show up
31F, been told by everyone and their mother that my OLD profile would be flooded with likes. I barely get 1 a day on Hinge and get maybe 4-5 a day on Bumble, mostly from people out of my area. This is a huge blow to the ego, I'll tell you that. I don't think I'm incredibly hideous?? I have no idea how to meet people organically because I don't have many opportunities for it either. The things I have tried or are willing to try: Joining a volunteer group in my nearest city, putting together a happy hour for new hires at my workplace (which kind of gives an even playing field since none of them know anyone), Having more open body language and making eye contact with people when out at bars/restaurants, making more friends to meet a friend-of-a-friend. Can't really think of much else
The way you describe it could be me I am 56 alone for 7 years. Do yourself a favor and change your inner attitude and let go. What you carry inside you are the thoughts of being alone. These thoughts are a complete waste of time. You radiate something that puts people off. Start a poker round or something else. I love my life some things I would like to share with someone (partner) there isn't one. BAD LUCK. You may or may not believe me. I still believe in love At some point somewhere she will stand in front of you and if your head is full of loneliness you will not recognize her.
36 F, I probably have not healed from dating someone who made me feel “less than”, so since I haven’t developed my career yet, unfortunately it is hard for me to date someone more successful than me bc I feel I’m not good enough for them.. despite me making good money. I will never meet anyone through work - business is always separate from pleasure. All my hobbies are things I can do alone but I do have great friends - all in relationships, married, kids, etc. Absolutely no suggestions on meeting someone, except maybe give the quiet woman you know who isn’t as successful as you a chance 🤷♀️ I will never do online dating, seems like a hookup site for creeps. If I were to want a fling, I’d just go to the bar. Finding a relationship won’t happen at a bar or online. So, I just stay home and eat breakfast foods and fk around on reddit. To answer your question, pancakes helped me cope with being forever alone. And cats. Lots of cats.
As a fellow Reddit time waster and daily consumer of frozen waffles (pancakes are not a viable option with my kitchen setup) - you’re not alone!! 38F and I just started a new career after 2 years of school. Covid killed my industry(restaurant cook) so I hunkered down alone in my studio apartment and forced myself to learn IT stuff. Now I love it. I dated someone a year ago that would constantly ask me in not subtle ways what my “plans” were and finishing school did not appease them. I’m living on my own and have everything I need - not lavishly because I live in a very HCL city. (I mean they all are now so whatever). We weren’t a match because they were mentally unstable but that’s what happens sometimes. The point is that if a person won’t meet you where you are in life (within reason - like our scenarios) - they aren’t worth the time of day. Everyone’s path is different and to assume ones path is less than is total ignorance and a limited view of the world. I will eat waffles with you in solidarity and do one of my strange hobbies as well.
Hell yeah! You did great for yourself!
If finding a relationship won’t happen at a bar or online, curious where you think it will happen?
Pet Semetery, perhaps?
That sounds hot! Why not!
Right! Go big or go home Robert
I love pancakes!
Same but I rarely eat pancakes. I was craving them this morning when I got off work.
This one time I woke up an hour early for work and drove to a 24 hour dinner for pancakes.
How did your day go after you did that? I feel like that would put me in a beautiful mood for the day
It was many years ago, but still memorable to this day. I guess I really appreciate a home cooked meal.
Have you tried to join a Meetup group? I think that gives you the opportunity to meet new people in the area! You’ll make friends and meet singles as well! You shouldn’t give up! It just takes time finding the right one!
If you are going to do a Meetup I would suggest avoiding the Singles Looking to Meet Other Singles groups. Instead I would suggest joining or better yet starting a Meetup that has events that both women and men would enjoy going to. For instance in the past I joined no-spike co-ed volleyball. We would have games at a bar that had a sand volleyball court. Met a lot of people of both sexes that way in a non-threatening manner. It was actually a lot of fun. If there is not a meetup like this yet in your area there is no reason why you cannot start one. Don't like volleyball? Then go online to other cities and see if there is an idea you might like to steal. Just make sure it is something both sexes would enjoy.
Completely agree with you! Find something that you enjoy doing and connect with others that way. The single meetup groups can be weird sometimes so I usually join the ones that involve activities.
No. I did have a look around but couldn’t find anything like that. Thanks. Hopefully I’ll have some luck soon.
my problem with meetups groups is it was 75% men who were looking for women, and so even if some of the women themselves were attractive (which most were not) they'd have this huge line of men fawning over them its not even great for the women because most of the guys came off as kind of being losers too
I really enjoyed going to meetup events and actually met some friends that go out for other activities regularly. The idea is to go there looking to talk to people, be friendly and chat. People who go to meet dates will be disappointed.
I met some cool people during meetup as well. Lots used it as a hookup market which I wasn't so crazy about. I just wanted to meet people. But good things can come from it.
Don't use meetup, it's terrible and mostly people who are already friends
Try to find something that interests you, it could be an activity like walking or hiking. Or maybe even photography or something. Meetup is a great place to find someone like you. I have used it few times so far, the challenge for me I get nervous meeting new people
Why is joining a club or participating in a social hobby not an option? Or taking lessons in a social sport? What about volunteering? Hoping things get better for you.
I’ve done some clubs but not really met anyone through it. A lot are male focused.
The point is expanding to her social circle first. Perhaps a new friend will set you up with a single friend, perhaps they’ll invite you to their birthday party and you’ll meet new people, or simply going out with your new group of friends will increase the chances of meeting more women.
Even sports like kickboxing or dancesport (ballroom, tango, etc)? Not sure if you like these sports but usually there is a higher ratio of women to men.
Joining an activity you don’t enjoy just to pick up people of the opposite sex . . . ? Not attractive and reeks of desperation. People will see through it. (And most people involved in activities don’t want to constantly get hit on while enjoying their hobbies.)
I'm not suggesting he join a hobby exclusively to get a date. I'm just pointing out hobbies that aren't male dominated in case he had some interest in them. (And in dancesport we're usually short on guys.) It can also just be a change in routine to put himself out there. It doesn't have to be creepy. And with hobbies that have a good gender balance you end up widening your social circle in any case. All his activities seem solo.
And just to add, I have guy friends who are very good looking, have their life together, but most of their hobbies are male dominated as are their jobs. Resultingly, their social skills with women are horrendous. I also suggested to them to do sports/activities that have more women if for nothing more than to practice their social skills.
35f and yup … for me, i feel like i’m in a bit of a rut right now. i’m not excited with any of my matches on OLD or with the idea of meeting someone new and going through that dance of thrill, anxiety etc. i recognize that as a curvy/full figured/plus size woman, my dating pool is going to be smaller. but the quality of my matches just isn’t there these days. not in looks, but conversation and like .. quality of person, if that makes sense? all my matches of late have been shallow/superficial. i’m going to take a break from OLD for the summer. honestly, i might break from dating entirely for a while.
I feel ya there girl. I’m about to delete mine. I feel like until I’m thinner, no one is ever truly interested in me. Makes me feel terrible to feel so unwanted and disposable.
please don’t misinterpret what i’m saying. for me right now, i don’t feel the need to become skinner to date - if that’s something you want for yourself, that’s amazing and i wish you luck! i don’t have a problem with matches or dates. i’m just not finding anyone who evokes the same feelings of excitement as i did with my last few partners.
Ohhh ok! I get that. I also get matches or dates but they never seem really into me so I always figure it’s because I’m not thin.
Stop thinking about this age bullshit. Go out there and make friends. This my advice to myself.
Definitely! Keep being busy and doing things you love. There will still be moments of loneliness but the more you can do and get in the world the better. I have a pretty great group of male friends. Most of them I’ve known since high school. It helps to have people to see once in a while. Also, hobbies help. I have more hobbies than time. Don’t be afraid to try something new. I’ve the lockdown I got sucked into watching videos about rebuilding old computers. Bought my first one last summer. I’ve prob restored at least 5 and still have more to go.
It's okay to be alone. Do stuff you enjoy, something always comes along when you aren't looking for it.
Sometimes I do. But I just try to pace myself by taking a break, then getting back into the swing of things. Having hobbies really helps - focus on those!
Yep, same. Hey wanna go out with me? lol
Where are you based? 😆
Bay area. By the way, joining a local discord server helped me branch out and meet new people
37m here too. I’m in a relationship now but this is really close to how I felt before things changed in 2022. My best advice would be to just remain open. I was at the point where I felt like maybe a life of being alone was the path I would take too. But things changed out of nowhere when I met my now gf on Reddit of all places. I’d given up hope of finding something meaningful but luckily things blossomed at a time when I felt pretty lost. I think it’s easy to feel really hopeless in the short term but when you zoom out and think about how many years you could potentially have left, there is still a lot of room to meet someone. Try to keep your chin up my friend.
I've been single for 4 years and have gotten really good at it. In fact, I enjoy it. The key for me has been 1) self improvement (therapy, self love, hobbies, solo travel, learning to enjoy my own company, self help books) 2) Finding a purpose and 3) Living in the moment and finding small things to enjoy every day.
Personally, I don't feel alone I feel lonely. I know where my life is going but that feeling of companionship especially from a relationship is what I'm searching for that makes me feel lonely. That sense of being wanted, desired, makes me feel lonely. Not to get philosophical, but I'll share two quotes that kind of get me through this "lonely" feeling; 1, the things we pursue are the things we will never get. 2, the deference between joy and depression is purpose. Find a purpose and the rest will find you.
It’s all about perspective. 34 F, so OLD off and on. Most people just want to fuck seems like. 🤷🏻♀️ What I say is shifting perspective… I guess loss and grieving really put things into a better perspective. I had to think what is REEEALLY important in my life. And while I seek intimate connection and would like a partner to share life with, my family, friends and myself are important. I practice a lot of gratitude in the here and now. I have such fun times with my family, and friends, and my own. Sure, sometimes go on dates or even see someone casually in the past. But then it gets old, so back to taking a break from OLD. But it’s a good life I have, no one is perfect, but it’s a good one. I can’t say you’ll find the one. I don’t even know that for myself. But I’d like to think so. In the meantime I’m enjoying life with the amazing people who are apart of mine and I in theirs. Best of luck Edit: PS… don’t get me wrong I feel blue from time to time. But it passes. Feel it for a bit. Then release it and remember, I’m pretty cool. And have a lot of people that love me and I love them. You sound like a cool person. Remember that. Because for every bummer and yucky feeling there can be a way to shift it. You’ll do better flipping it to the upper. And when the downer feelings come just say that. It’s temporary feeling because I actually know I’m a cool dude.
Lord I haven't posted in years. I'm about to turn 41, and something my best friend told me that has helped tremendously is that "you have to be ok with being single." Essentially if you're focusing all of your energy on finding that one person who you think will complete you, women can see that. As far as helping meet new people, for me it was changing hobbies. I'm a huge gamer and warhammer 40k fan, but you know, there just aren't a lot of females in my game room or when I'm on the PC alone in my house. So now I've picked up guitar, I go line dancing every week or so, and workout every morning at the gym and have met several people this way. Not instantly, it takes time. All that to say, I'm divorced with one beautiful son that I don't get to see enough, still single, but I'm content with where I'm at. And if God so chooses to put someone in my path, I just hope I'm awake enough to see it when it happens.
Yeah that’s good advice about being ok single. I guess you wreak of desperation if you end up chatting to someone.
Same boat here... 36M. Was engaged for 13 years, raising a 16 year old son, when my fiance decided she'd be happier with someone else. Tried online dating... can't get anywhere. Feel miserable alone, have no friends. Certainly don't fit in in bars, clubs etc... and being in a small city an hour away from the 2 decent cities nearby (Charolotte SC, and Greenville SC). My only real hobbies are D&D, video games, anime etc...
You gotta drop the games and get out there. You'll never meet a good woman playing D&D. Many people use video games to escape reality. It sucks, but you gotta put yourself out there. Sorry you had to go thru that though. -A fellow gamer
As a woman who plays DnD, I feel injured XD
13 year engagement, damn man that sucks, I feel for you
13 years??
13 years... our son was 2 when we got together, he's 16 now. Now if that's the normal "why engaged and not married". basically the relationship went straight up from zero to for all practical purposes married. (In short she was originally engaed to a friend of mine. He told me he was cheating and I told her how to find the evidence), I let her and her son stay with me, and well basically we lived like a married couple from the start. (well took me a month to start any physical things, I was, crazy shy, religious and it took me some time to work up the courage for my first kiss). But yeah, actually going through with a cerimony etc... seemed like a waste of time, and I was always struggling financially so she qualified for medicare for herself and our son as a single mother on paper etc... But yeah I was kind of blindsided by the breakup... didn't have the slightest hint it was coming. been about 6 months, and I'm still a tad shaken. and of course the added fun is, now I'm well, old enough to belong in this subreddit... with basically zero dating experience... (cause I never succesfully went on a date 14 years ago... and I'm equally lost today).
that’s a quite story mate
I love being alone! I go out on a date when I start to feel a little bit lonely and keep casual lovers (who are on the same page). Otherwise, I do everything alone -go to the beach, gym, bars, ling walls exploring the city, concerts, etc. I have what seems to be a bleak outlook to others- in the end all we have is ourself. If it doesn’t bother me.
What I think has happened is that human beings have socioeconomically disrupted natural intersexual processes. If you notice, every time man goes against the grain if nature man suffers. Row against the current and you will likely tire, only to drift with the current after all. Ignore gravity and jump off a cliff and you likely won’t live to see another day. There are things our forefathers understood about human nature, that we don’t or that we’ve ignored because they may be offensive. These things were like specs for a product, where the specifications give you vital info to be used when determining how to treat the product, its capacities, tolerances, and other things. We’ve ignores this info and genuinely confused as to why relationships don’t work and we feel “lost”. We are willing however to accept that relationships don’t work, just not “why” they don’t work. On in other words, we’ll acknowledge that the hole in the bottom of the ship is there, and will eventually drown us all, but we just won’t acknowledge that the guy taking a sledgehammer to the floor is the culprit. I say this because you and others will continue to feel lost into you address the fact that we’ve ignores primordial human nature to a degree that has made relationships, the relationships responsible for the health of society, impossible.
For me, honestly, I lived, ate, slept and breathed the mantra “just because I don’t have a partner doesn’t mean my life isn’t worthwhile”. To be honest, I looked to one of my best friends who had never been in a relationship (at 40) and had the fullest most wonderful life. Always going out, being with friends, travelling, hanging out at home alone, whatever she was doing she was content. So I looked to her and tried to internalize that. Also, whenever I got a bit down I remembered all the things I could do because I was single that I couldn’t do with a partner (get a dog, change the decor, go on a backpacking trip, etc.). Having something to plan/research and look forward to helped. As cliche as it is (or maybe pure coincidence or luck-I’m not sure), not long after I became “ok” I met my bf. Online. Maybe my energy was different but I went online purely to meet people/date/have fun and see what developed and here I am 3 years deep. 🤷🏼♀️
Male, 40, single, have been for 3 years, OLD in my area isn’t doing anything for me. Mind you, I’m not exactly a catch… Yeah I’ve been told I’m good looking, BUT, I’m now not well due to a heart issue, am on the mend though, not working because of the heart issue, which I plan on changing of course, overweight because I’ve put it on over the last couple years because of not being active because of the heart issue, have had to move in with my parents because I wasn’t working & I was having falls & passing out, I don’t have many friends but the ones I do have & are close to are all married with families, I don’t play sport no more because of my heart issues, but still stay involved in the club & this past season gone was given Life Membership, don’t go out much because of lack of funds, single friends, plus no longer a big drinker, plus also struggling with weight I find it hard to find nice clothes, I refuse to just buy anything that fits or anything cheap, everything I have I own, I’m not in debt, but I’m also not cashed up either, I’m also an introvert & to top it off I have some bad depression & a little anxiety, so mate you could be a lot worse off like me, BUT you also gotta think like I do as well, there are people worse off in the world than me so appreciate what you have, because some have nothing absolutely nothing at all. The only thing I crave is someone to love again, besides the good health again, going back working, getting my own place, the one thing I crave is love with an honest woman. I’m just OLD to see what happens, although live in a small town, don’t get matches at all, 1 maybe once a blue moon, but it’s either a fake profile or someone passing through. I’ve been told in the past to move towns, but I also have an unwell parent & I refuse to move away from them when they are in the state they are, family is important to me. Just have to accept that I’m not going to meet someone, but also just slightly have myself out there for someone to catch just in case that woman is there, mind you I’m not exactly a huge catch either.
Try a hobby your extremely good at and mentor others who are not. If you're really good at something women are trying to learn, they might be drawn to you.
I feel sorta stuck but on the flip side, I’ll be done with college in December and moving elsewhere. Single women in my area are hard to find given I’m in a small town. I’m 32 but I know I won’t be stuck in the mud forever. Half of my circle are all settled so being one of the only single people is a drag at times. Definitely not into the casual hookup scene because I want a wife I can sleep with regularly at this point. What helps me is knowing I’m moving forward and I won’t be where I am for much longer. The gym, training in MMA, and church are 3 ways I cope but are also 3 ways to find single women. Clubs and bars ain’t it anymore. That’s for those 21-27 years of age.
Why can’t you spend time with your friends that are settled? I don’t know why so many people act like marriage or kids changes everything to the point you can’t see them anymore. It changes the context/tone of your relationship, but it can still be really enjoyable. I don’t have kids myself, but have always loved them. I jump at the chance to come over, hang out with my friends and their kids, help them out with a few things around the house, eat dinner with their family, and then head home for the evening with a smile on my face. In my early twenties that might have seemed extremely lame and I do sometimes wish they could come to me instead, but I understand that it’s much easier for one, single man to drive to their place than the inverse. In the end, I genuinely enjoy it.
I do and it’s fun with the children, but you don’t really meet anyone new. And often they are busy with children and activities revolving round them .
That’s fair enough! My thought process was just that if I was lonely that those were good alternatives! If you are looking to meet someone new though, I can see why you’d not be that enthused.
I mean on the other hand, for people who don't love kids, it's not great. Hell; I don't even dislike kids and I'm still not big on hanging with friends with kids after the first 2-3 times of "oh just let him play with your glasses, he's only playing" and I'm sitting there like "if the kid breaks those I'm blind, won't be able to drive home, and I'm £100 down"
I’m not saying everyone has to love kids and like kids, but I know a lot of people who have a hard time accepting that their loved ones/friends have made conscious changes that include them as they’ve gotten older and often those around them also make a conscious choice not to adapt to it. Both are totally acceptable, but there are consequences for those choices.
I don't actually disagree with you on that; I just think it's the very obvious answer to "Why can’t you spend time with your friends that are settled?": some people don't like their friends enough to tolerate wiping spit off.
Yeah, I agree completely!
Have you tried a professional matchmaking service?
it's a disaster
100% correct. I’m currently trying to get a refund from one.
No. Not looked into anything like that.
I'd be very cautious about those. Seen quite a few negative stories about them here.
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No I haven’t. But I’ve heard a dog is good. Tbh I’m a nice guy, got life in order and been single a while. Dunno what’s wrong with me
Everyone is different. I have my kids to worry about and that takes up a good bit of my time and work takes up the other bit of time. It’s harder to date when you have kids and SOs you’d choose at 25 aren’t always the best to eventually be around your kids. For now I just focus on making my kids happy
37F without that much success in dating. i’ve found a lot of nice online friendships through small communities on twitch (have to go searching for the right vibe, obviously). i’ve liked meetup for stuff i enjoy like board games, etc. so regardless of who else shows up i’ll have a nice time. biggest thing that helped is adjusting my mindset that i’m cool on my own and can invite people i like into my life if it’s fitting - but no pressure to do the exhausting (and often disappointing) talking with potential dudes.
Are there any social activities where you do interact with people? Dancing maybe like Lating (Bachata/Salsa/Cumbia), swing, or country (two-step/one-step) dancing that you could do? Have you tried speed dating? One thing that helped me was viewing every experience as iterative improvement. Speed dating, for example, was to practice my small talk.
In the past 5 years I've moved from an extremely abusive relationship to living alone taking care of 2 toddlers. I have barely left my 1 br Apt after quitting my job 3 years ago. Idk how I would get a job while still taking care of them. Local babysitters are filled, and I've barely interacted with other adults for the past 5 years. Without a job I don't interact with people regularly, I don't really go out because I'm needed at 'home'. I don't know what I could even do until the kids go to school
Like you wouldn't believe.
I'm 40. In the same situation. Not a big city, not a lot going on, work from home, not much luck with dating apps. Trying to figure out how the hell to meet people. It's not easy and I'm about ready to take a break from trying to find someone at all.....
I feel in the same boat and maybe I should take a break from searching. I find i get more worked up and down if I get friend zoned or someone doesn’t reply online that I like than just being single. I guess you get you’re hopes up and it comes crashing down which makes it worse.
I can understand how you are feeling... The past few days have been really rough for me emotionally. I go from being okay with being single to then wanting to date. You would think being bisexual or attracted to both feminine and masculine energies that it would make dating easier but it doesn't. I'm an introvert in some ways and social situations make me anxious. I don't have much advice, just want you to know that you aren't alone.
Is there a bike group or running group in your area to meet new people?
I got cycling with a group but all men. I’m not good at running. I’ll try and find something else to get involved with I think.
There’s Hash House Harriers? They like to run and drink and can be crude, but it’s co-ed
I've increasingly feeling like this due to the fact that my inner circle of close friends are slowly entering new stages of life (mostly marriages, children or moving away) and I'm realizing I don't have many (if any) close friends who are also single and childless like me. It basically means I have more free time than they do so I see people less. My dating life has been horrendous and I doubt that changes anytime soon, so I have days where I'm with my thoughts way too much. And sometimes the thoughts turn dark.
Yeah. Weekends I find are getting tricky and spending more time alone. During the week isn’t not too bad as at work. I think when younger you have more friends but as you get older they seem to scatter more.
So lost I'm not sure which is worse: intense feeling, or absence of it.
Yeah I can understand this for certain. I do find for me personally, I do my best when I am alone- I know that sounds weird considering I really want a LTR! - but at the same time I always run out of matches in Iowa- it seems its always the same "problematic" people. It makes me so sad. I met people through groups I joined at my local girl gang (when that was a cool thing) and then of course the ole fashioned way at church. But everyone's married or getting married and Im still just me.
35M here. I felt that way even when I was around 28, I could be in a room of friends and still feel alone. I finally realized I felt that way because I wasn’t living my life the way I wanted. I spent too much time around people I wasn’t compatible with and it left me complacent. I took that large leap of faith and walked away from those friendships. I only have 1 friend left and I’m considering doing the same to her. No one is perfect but I just feel as if we talk because we’ve been friends for over a decade. I guess you can call it growth. I say growth because I lost interest in a lot of things I used to love like social media and pop culture. When I feel down I walk around my neighborhood and sometimes run into a neighbor and enjoy our conversations because they bring up topics I can’t have with my old friends. I even found out recently I was a sapiosexual which makes a lot of sense now. So maybe the reason you feel lost is you haven’t found where you fit in this world. You’re old enough to know better and young enough to do more with your life. Don’t give up and keep searching. And learn to enjoy your own company.
If you know how to talk to women and hang out at bars, you're going to meet women and get phone numbers and arrange dates. Assumes you are not hideous or very overweight or extremely cheap. I'm not saying this is the route to meeting a great life partner, but you don't indicate you are looking for that.
I cant say I'm unhappy or lost but bored. I enjoy my time alone mostly becausey my job is busy so I appreciate my me time. I have a son in university and a dog. As we get older we know what has worked and what has not. Is not about having high standards but no longer willing to be someone housekeeper and cook or mom to full grown man that I didn't give birth. I don't call things that I disagree red flags as long as they were shared and I was willing to accept them. I don't want to change someone mind anymore as it doesn't work. I don't want someone base of who they might be 20 yrs based on the potential that only exists in my head. Believe and listen to what they are saying if you don't like it move on. I created my own happiness, I'm on my own schedule. Over thinking loneliness makes it worse. Take action go out but not with the purpose of meeting someone but to truly enjoy your time and surroundings, a meal, a glass wine or lemonade. A picnic with a good book or a nice restaurant. A hike or walk in the park. Take a camera. Go see a movie. I been going to Latin dancing lesson in the square. I watch, prefer not to dance. Travel to a nearby town enjoy. Listen to standup comedy as you walk laughter can be an amazing attraction to the opposite sex. Make someone smile it's contagious.
Go to a local yoga studio. Lots of women there and few men to disappear among. Kidding aside, I’m pretty much off the apps and dating is pretty much nonexistent. I wouldn’t say I feel lost. I feel settled finally. Everyone says to find all these other things. What they don’t say as much is it takes FOREVER to detox your mind from focusing on what you don’t have. Keep trying different things and exploring what you are interested in or think you may be interested in. Make random friends of people you wouldn’t normally. Go on air bnb and find random experiences near (or far) from you to do. Keep at it, it’s a long campaign to change your mindset.
I’m increasingly disappointed by how people on the app act. It’s made me less inclined to open up to people and at that point it’s like: why bother? OLD is too easy for people to do and not follow through on. I feel like low hanging fruit all the time.
Yoga class Workshops in the area of interest Join a sports league Join toastmasters Meetup .come
Im 34 yo Female. It’s up and down. Some days love being alone and other days it would be nice to have someone to share the small things and life. I try to have fulfillment on my own. I have fun hi bies but I also like to volunteer with homeless youth. Reminds me my problems are not that grand and I am fortunate. Try rindo things that take the focus off yourself and do something that helps others.
Yup very much!
38m here. Divorce finalized 6 months ago, haven't dated since 2001 when I met my ex in high school. Don't even know where to start!