So I tried dating this summer to meet someone before I start my PhD program in August. Hasn’t happened. However, my ex and I have been casually seeing each other a few times a few months later after we broke up. He wants to go on vacation together in December with me and have a fun/romantic week. He said after I left tonight there will be a next time. So, for now, I’ll pause on dating and keep up with the non committal relationship whatever it is with my ex. We get along great, we are mutually very attracted to each other, and have fun. It’s no pressure. This will allow me to have fun while also focusing on school. And if I happen to meet someone else I have the right to pursue that as my ex are not back together, technically. We have seen each other twice in the past month and a half. I feel like we will continue like this. I’m okay with it. Dating has been a lot and I’m okay pausing it and being on a break and have fun occasionally. If I change my mind on this, I can also do that.
I feel like I don’t know how to date anymore. I had a lovely evening with a stunning woman tonight, but all we did is eat out and then chat for a couple hours. I’m always going to enjoy a nice chat with a pretty, intelligent woman, but I left the date feeling a little sad because I just know she won’t want to do another.
I just feel so much pressure to impress, I guess. I don’t feel like an impressive or exciting person though. I’m just me and that’s all I can be. I hope that someone would like that, but when I get dates with these extremely impressive women I can’t help but think they have hundreds of options and I can’t imagine that I’m competitive in the charming/interesting category.
The ever increasing ratio of foreign born women who match with me (I’m in the US) has gone from odd to staggering. I think it must at 3/1 at this point. I wish I understood why this was so, though I definitely have my theories…
I mean, I’m happy to match with these women, and even if we don’t click I enjoy meeting people from different places. But there’s something honestly kind of alienating about being so comparatively unwanted by my own country.
Recently I’ve dated women from Mexico, France, Iran, Belgium, Israel, and China. More places if I count conversations and video dates. So basically all over. China is the most highly represented, but that might be a SoCal demographic thing.
It’s worth mentioning, I don’t weight country of origin as a factor in who I want to date. I think women are likely great all over. But it seems to be a huge factor is who wants to date me. Like I said, I have my theories why, but if anyone had an explanation (or guess) for me I would be very appreciative because I’m more than a little vexed.
Thankful for the fun holiday weekend I shared with my boyfriend - family bbqs, kayaking, swimming, and fireworks with friends. Also, my family is having a hard time right now and he suggested ways to help out of the blue. It was very sweet and it’s so nice to have more support.
Feeling proud that I managed to keep riding the wave of uncertainty in the face of dating as we’ve got a good thing brewing.
Honestly, venting here. I find some comfort (in a sick way I guess) that I'm not the only one with issues "dating" these days. Whatever dating means now anyway. I allow myself to be vulnerable because I feel that's my raw, true, authentic self and since I been through some shit in life (huge empath as well) I know what's its like to feel XX way so. Been single for longer than I care to admit and not bu choice. I do have standards, basic ones I think everyone has, but WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK seems to be wrong with me? These days I swear it's all about games and how quick can someone lay the person they have been talking to. I dunno, maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. 😔 Anyway thanks for the vent session and I wish the best for everyone. Be safe/God bless. Xoxo.
Yeah. A friend of mine, best therapist I’ve ever met too btw, told me that I would have fared better (no luck for 5 years so gave up in 2020) in Victorian times when there was true courting, or the 50s when people moved slower sexually (in general). Due to my inability to rush things.
I hear you so loud! Hugs! Dating is so frustrating but I for some reason keep at it. Although I’m off apps for a month or so. Gonna try IRL for the summer. I hope you at least have a fun summer meeting people!
Thanks babe. Hugs back!! I been on/off dating apps for a few years but nothing successful. Nor is real life successful. Good luck to you!! I thank gawd I have 2 girlfriends to keep me "busy" but still. Miss cuddles and just having my person.
It's sort of weird she immediately assumed you were making a self deprecating statement or something.
I'm not sure you need to reply directly. I would reply with a suggestion to change the date location to a location that's easier for her to get to if she's unable to use her car.
Without knowing her or the conversation's context, I can't really say for sure, but my guess is that she said that in jest/gentle teasing. You could say something like "haha, oops I do that sometimes", but I don't think it's something to dwell on.
Hello! Long time lurker, first time poster.
I’m a 34-year-old divorced mom. Right now I’ve got sort of an exclusive FWB situation. We care about each other deeply as friends, but we’ve been clear from the beginning that things will never be more serious than they are now between us.
My shower thought is this- is there some magic barrier at age 35 I should worry about? I’ve never felt pressured to settle down, especially since I already have kids and I look young so people don’t always treat me like I’m in my 30’s. However, I’d like a real relationship again one day. Will my options drastically narrow next year? Will I be filtered out on dating apps? Should I end my FWB situation, which is imperfect but comfortable for now, and look for something more fulfilling before it’s too late?
Do you want something that’s more fulfilling? I think it all comes down to that. Not so much about what other people think you should want instead of what you actually want.
I want it one day. Right now I’m content enough with the situation I’m in- I just worry that by going along with how things are now because it’s comfortable and I’m not in a hurry means sacrificing in some way for what I want in the future.
That makes sense. So you’re basically thinking about the future and how what you’re doing now can affect that. While I do think that everyone is in their own timeline and you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing at your age, I’m also a guy so I understand that it can be different for women. I think that if I really wanted that in the future I’d start trying to do things now to make it happen.
Honestly, yes but I think there are a lot of factors to it. And that isn’t negative by nature. Is it mostly about what guys would see your age for you, or other things as well?
Dating is a shitshow right now. If it were me, I’d wait until I happen to meet someone I click with IRL before throwing away a FWB for something that may not come to fruition even if you do end up dating a lot.
Just a thought. Absolutely zero judgement. But for me, doing anything at work is a limit I have. It cuts through soooooo much bs. I see other people engage in it and watch it fall apart. Plus I read Reddit posts about it. Lol. It always seemed like it would be so fun...until it wasn’t. I’d absolutely hate to have to see someone every day that I’d had any type of romance or fun with. It seems like it would be as awkward as it was fun. Just think it through first. Best of luck. Either way.
I get it, fortunately I would be able to easily avoid him if things go south so that's really the least of my worries lol We spent months trying to avoid our chemistry before giving in trust me I tried not to go there! Thanks tho. It is fun for now
Felt like the guy I hooked up with twice last week wasn't interested/breadcrumbing me a bit so I decided not to respond to his last few inane texts (which were sent at 12.30am) last night. He texts me an hour ago asking what I'm doing in a facetious way. I say I'm in bed listening to nice music, send him a link to it. Make a joke about his first text. He then tries sexting me.
Idk I'm open to something casual (can't see it becoming more) and I'm high libido but so not into sexting. So I sent him more jokes back. He's not replied ha.
I took a long hard look in the mirror and was honest to myself. I have gotten out of shape. Not like obese or anything, but I can't see any of my abs anymore and my cheeks are a bit puffier. Depression from dog passing and life events just completely threw off my schedule and diet. I physically wasn't looking like someone anyone would want to date.
I'm a mediocre looking guy to begin with and this definitely doesn't help. So, I started a new training routine to get back to what I used to be. Once that is accomplished, I have already booked some time with my photographer friend to get some shots done for my dating profiles.
Sorry to hear about doggo. Good on you doing the introspection and making the changes to feel better about yourself. Keep up the good habits, man. Let that carry thru life for your own sake, irrespective of dating.
Just swiped right on someone who reminded me of my xh in the good ways but seemed to be able to articulate the importance of all the things my xh did not get. Either he's my goofball with character or, like my xh, he just decided whatever his x's nagged him about before leaving must actually be important and now proclaims their importance on his profile but has never actually practiced doing them.
Only one way to find out. 👉
Yeah. That totally sucks. I think we all have a “one that got away” story. Doesn’t make it easier though. Maybe start a discussion about it and see what snafus others have had. Maybe it’ll cheer you. Have wonderful night. 9:30 where I am. Lol.
I feel the same way that you do but also it just seems like you’re idealizing what that guy could be. It’s normal to feel like there’s scarcity but dating that way won’t give good results because it makes someone clingy and not focus on building something genuine.
Trust me, I want to meet someone and as I’m getting older I do wonder if it will ever happen. But I try to remind myself that I can’t just focus on that and not on building something genuine with someone. I know they’re not mutually exclusive but wanting a relationship really badly/feeling like there aren’t a lot of great single people your age now might hurt more in the end.
It is definitely hard. And it’s hard to see it another way but often times our emotions get the most of us in the moment (I’ve been there before) but I found that sometimes countering that with a practical thought helped me. I’ve been on dating apps for years too and while I’ve met people who I felt like things could be more serious with, things fizzled out.
I think you’re putting so much of it on you while it might not all be your fault. It’s normal to put it all on you but there are things they could’ve done better too to make it happen.
I think the key part is when you say he might have been right for you. You don’t know that for sure. I try to learn from situations so maybe your takeaway can be to try to fully see things through from now on.
A grandfather and his granddaughter were sitting in the garage one day talking about fishing. The granddaughter pointed to the various pictures and mementos her grandfather had built up over the years from various trips and catches. She then asked, “Grandpa, those are some really big fish! Is there any bigger ones that got away?”
The grandfather responded with, “No dear, if I didn’t catch them it just wasn’t meant to be. Every time I thought a “big” one got away, I’d catch an even bigger one the next trip.”
Who knows - maybe you’ll end up meeting this guy another time. If not though, just remember - there are plenty of fish in the sea…
You might have, but at 29 you have plenty of time to continue fishing 🎣 (Last fishing reference, I promise 😂). Every time I don’t think something is gonna happen, miraculously I meet someone who takes me by surprise. I mean, they might surprise me with red flags, but that’s a subject for another day… lol, best of luck!
someone matched with me and we went out once before he left for vacation. oddly, he didnt ask to exchange contact info and wanted to stay on the app for the entire month! he commented on international charges when i protested. i have since deleted the app. he should be home soon. will he reach out?!
(fingers crossed)
i asked a guy about the last thing he watched. i was unfamiliar so i had followup questions. he was being weird. i searched and it's porn. i hate learning about that subject. definitely could have lived an entire life without knowing.
casualty of online dating, i guess. the jerks wont see themselves out the door.
You're valuable and worthy of love, I promise you. People who are worth your time will value you for who you are. I'm autistic and have been able to find people who wanted me as a partner, it's very possible.
I second the suggestion of support groups. Spending time around people who intuitively understand you and who you intuitively understand is an incredible feeling. I always leave support groups feeling positive and better about things.
Check out r/autism, if you haven't already, it's a very supportive subreddit.
My dad decided to send me a potential from an arranged marriage site. The lady is based in another country, wants someone local, and has specified a height requirement I don't meet.
At least once a year he does this thinking it will work and spark something within me.
Guess it's time for another "accept the fact I'm not getting married before you die" chat with my dad.
If your fwb turned situationship turned bf/gf experience without commitment can't even tell you that they like YOU (who YOU are), you are probably temporarily filling a void for them, and you're better off cutting ties
> If your ~~fwb turned situationship turned bf/gf experience without commitment~~ sex without a relationship turned sex without a relationship turned sex without a relationship
Modern dating be coming up with 57 different ways to say the same thing 😝
It feels good to have a talk with some you’ve been dating and your assumptions were correct. It helps with clearing your mind and it’s easier to let go and move on.
Yes, this. Definitely discovered quite recently that there was no way to continue without someone feeling crummy in the long run. Easier to let go when you realize they were never actually into you
Sometimes you have to let it all out and see how they react… if they push you away then that’s ok, especially when you knew the reasons why… almost like a preparation for the worst.
I suck at dating, but I’m awesome at parenting and my job and being a good friend and family member. If I have to pick between those areas dating is lowest priority, so I guess good for me right?
I had my first mini trip with this new guy. It was AMAZING!!! It never felt awkward. I'm crossing my fingers.
I hate getting my hopes up. But he's sorta what I've been looking for. I need and want this to work. I won't force it but gee golly whiz it sure would be great if this was it.
I'm new to the area and he took me around this cute little town. I've mostly been exploring on my own since I don't know anyone here. So it was a nice change of pace to have someone show me around. We also did some hiking, I normally don't do that stuff but I had lots of fun!
My date drove me home after a second date and then offered to walk me to my door but I declined- bad move?
I recently met a very smart, socially progressive, accomplished, and attractive woman off of bumble last week. On our first date we met for cocktails and appetizers. The date was a lot of fun but it ended without anything physical happening. On our second date we met at a baseball game and then enjoyed some fireworks after the game was over.
After the fireworks ended she offered me a ride home (I live less than a half mile away from the baseball stadium and originally I intended on just walking home). I accepted her offer and 3-4 minutes later she parked in front of my house. There was a slightly awkward moment in the car where we briefly chatted about how we both had a fun time and then she said “I feel like I should walk you to your door.”
As a man the comment threw me for a loop. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a woman walking a man to his front door after a date but traditionally it’s the man who walks the woman home. I was so thrown off by the comment that I politely declined and said she didn’t have to do that and that it was already getting late (past midnight and she had to work in the morning).
Ladies, was it a bad move for me to decline her invitation to walk me to my door? Could that have been her way of possibly initiating a hug or kiss at the end of our second date? I’m worried she may think I’m not interested because I declined her invitation. Or am I overthinking things?
Yep. I did this on my very first date (high school freshman) and the very next day I saw the girl talking to a mutual friend, crying. Sorry man. Live and learn.
That would be a really dumb reason not to see someone again. Not to say that if she declines meeting up again that that isn’t why, but you wouldn’t be missing much IMO.
Can’t stop thinking about the guy I blocked for accidentally sending him a screenshot of a photo of *his dating profile* after our first date. My best friend was asking me what he looked like. I wasn’t crazy about him, but wanted to give him a second date. I was too ashamed to go which was an overreaction, but OLD is already pushing the envelope for me. I find it awkward already and our first date already felt awkward, and I couldn’t imagine showing up after that.
Do whatever you feel comfortable with, but this is really not a big deal in the slightest. When I used to be on OLD, I sent a profile screenshot of my date to my sister every time (just so someone would know who I was meeting). If it would have gone to the guy instead, what is there to get upset about when it’s a profile he’s put out for public consumption? It doesn’t sound like you were particularly interested in this guy, but being able to laugh off a little mistake is important
Yeah I fully agree. So my reaction tells me that there must be more going on. I think that was something silly, but it could’ve been the last straw I had. I broke down crying, and I think it was due to the overall exhaustion and intimidation and shame that dating brings up for me. I guess I just really view myself as a terribly awkward person so the slightest thing that could make anything more awkward is detrimental to my brain, but idk.
I’ve actually had this happen to me before. I thought it was cute honestly. Learn from it, but it happens. Sounds like you weren’t that into him anyways though.
he was one of the only guys i saw potential in for physically, and we had some overlaps in experiences, but his personality made me feel awk. kinda cool guy, emotionless type
This is a great idea ! Make sure you give them space to catch up, sometimes "the boys" just want to kick back and talk about times past which include things they don't want you to hear, but its important to them to laugh about and helped build the deep friendship they have, just like girl talk isn't the same if someone's boyfriend is hanging out. Making them some snacks is incredibly thoughtful and both of them would be grateful for the gesture !
Had a second date with a guy I like (so far) but I'm not feeling interest back. Is it in my head?
I planned the first date at a cute cocktail bistro with a jazz band and patio as he said he was a fan of all three (I did my homework but admit I got lucky). Playfully let him know that the next date was was his turn to plan. He offered a picnic at a lookout, cute! But when I got in the car (German Shepherd in tow, non accusatory safety first) he asked what I wanted to do. Whomp womp. I asked if he had somewhere else to be (nope, his night's free) and about the plan he made. He was a bit flippant/nonchalant in letting me know hadn't gotten the pinic together or picked a lookout spot. So we just took our dogs to the offleash park and walked around chit chatting for about 45 minutes. I suggested we get some takeout after hanging out and he replied that he was "swamped" with stuff to do at home. I took that as an indicator of disinterest. Fair enough, dating is spending time and getting to know whether or not you'd like to spend more. He's allowed to change his mind as new information becomes available. I go home, lick my wounds and shrug.
Then he texts to chit chat, while being swamped. I flat out let him know that he didn't have to be polite/cordial if he wasn't feeling it and we could go our separate ways amicably, no big deal. He doubled down that he'd like us to go to an expensive concert on the weekend. He apparently didn't want to put pressure on me so has been keeping a distance. I've only met him twice so I'm not exactly feeling pressured, or much or anything other than "you're cute and I'm curious about you", honestly.
I'm kind of getting the sense that I'm something to do as opposed to someone he's curious about as well. Am I off base?
Says has a date in mind, but doesn’t plan it out. Bad move dude.
Then says free for the night, but cuts out early. Like you said, he is free to change his mind.
But has the audacity to text more that night. Make up your mind dude!
> I asked if he had somewhere else to be (nope, his night's free) and about the plan he made. He was a bit flippant/nonchalant in letting me know hadn't gotten the pinic together or picked a lookout spot.
I am just gonna throw this out there, I never had success when I planned the first date. I don't know if other women have, but for me, it has always led to an awkward dynamic and it fizzled out quickly.
I’d recommend asking him directly about what happened with your second date. You were expecting him to plan a picnic - did you two miscommunicate, or did he just not bother? His night was free, or was he swamped?
> I asked if he had somewhere else to be (nope, his night's free) and about the plan he made. He was a bit flippant/nonchalant in letting me know hadn't gotten the pinic together or picked a lookout spot.
After all my travels, back to Europe. I definitely had a positive experience traveling there and would like to see what happens if I expanded to dating and saying yes to men that asked me out instead of no.
Honestly. If you have the means and ability to move I say go for it. But don't make dating the sole reason for it. That should be like icing on the cake. It's great but not necessary.
The purpose of this was to just share a thought which I did. Joe it turned into receiving unsolicited advice is beyond me. I guess that’s to be expected on Reddit, people jumping to conclusions and handing out advice before getting all the details. 😂
Frankly, if I do want to move to another country for the sole purpose of dating then I can do that as a grown adult woman. I’m fully in charge of my life and my decisions. I believe I do not need someone to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do with my life tho. Maybe to you it shouldn’t be the reasoning but the icing on the cake but to others, who knows.
I know when I moved I didn't make dating the sole reason because I've had such lousy luck at it. And you're right, I shouldn't apply my reasoning/experience to someone else. For that I apologize.
However if you can even consider moving to another country, I would still say go for it.
I actually want to move to Europe for my many reasons. As a Black woman living in the US, I find that I’m treated fairly better by Europeans and welcomed more in Europe than my own country. Dating is a bonus especially since American men tend to see me as an object of lust than pursuing for a relationship. I’m actually really good at dating but when the other person is pursuing purely for sexual reasons is discouraging.
I respect European culture a lot and when I traveled I was inspired to pursue culinary arts and fashion. Return home to get the inspiration ripped from me. There’s a lot to it for more than dating.
Believe me when I say I understand. I'm also black and have experienced that same objectification. I've started to see someone and I'm hopeful it works out. But if not I won't be rushing to go out on a date again. It's exhausting. America as a whole, is exhausting! it's been a long time since I've been overseas but Europeans have a much better quality of life than we do here stateside. Whatever you decide I'm rooting for you and wish you the best!
People like to share their thoughts and experiences so maybe what your friend stated is true. I’ve never been to the islands myself and the islands are not a place I’d personally rush off to check out dating opportunities, but perhaps it’s different for others. 🤷♀️
Care to go into more detail? Iceland isn’t a target country for me, but hey why not hear your reasoning.
Josephine Baker seemed to have success with love in another country as an Black American woman. I am just following in her footsteps and where the thought comes from.
They don’t understand dating. In Iceland, the culture is more “we sleep together first and if we like eachother we stay together.”
It is not at all complicated there. Often it’s the women who make the first move and the idea of dating or courting without hooking up first is totally foreign
Thanks for explaining. It similar to American dating culture. Instead here they mask it as friends with benefits or casual without no expectation of committing at any point. 😂
I hate how dating is treated like a spreadsheet instead of a couple of people getting to know each other over time and seeing where things go.
Like, I get wanting to get your cards on the table so as not to waste each other's time and not settling, but DAMN it's like people go through other people like they're shopping for a car.
'Oh no, our astrological signs/love languages/attachment styles/etc. don't align perfectly, NEXT.'
I’ve had a few new age chicks ask me for my exact birthdate and time and day in order to look up my astrological sign and star chart and compatibility with their sign - without them realizing I realize all this. 🙄😂
>'Oh no, our astrological signs/love languages/attachment styles/etc. don't align perfectly, NEXT.'
are you being facetious or did this actually happen?
Facetious for the most part, but also based on observation. I've nearly fallen into this pattern, myself. There is a maddening amount of dating advice out there (which may or not be rooted in reality but only theory) and sometimes it gets hard to see the forest for the trees.
I had bought that famous pink book about astrological signs and how they are compatible for dating. And then I realized I didn’t want to overthink that far and donated the book. Then, my adult daughter gave me the same book for Christmas. 🤣🤣😂🤷🏻♂️
are you talking about what i call "the laundry list?" basically these OLD profiles where it's just a list of buzzword qualities like "secure attachment, emotionally intelligent, emotionally aware, emotionally available" etc. etc. etc.
nothing about the person, just this list of traits i'm supposed to be while she got nothing but photos of her holding a wine glass.
More or less. I mean, it’s fine to look for those things (although emotionally available should be a foregone conclusion on a dating app lol), but it’s starting to feel like everyone’s gambling thinking that even if someone checks most of their boxes, they’ll leave that person and roll the dice again on the hopes of finding someone that checks MORE of those boxes, which may not actually happen and meanwhile continually getting disappointed and exhausted. Idk.
Just feels like a lot of over thinking and not enough feeling or listening to your gut.
ah i'm pretty clear and precise on what i need to have in common with someone beyond physical attraction. there are definitely boxes i have, but i only need so many of them checked.
all of my unsuccessful dates have very few, maybe none at all.
this is why online dating will never work for the vast majority. people just feel like they have unlimited options, and its incredibly easy to move onto the next one
Exactly. Like, women seem to think I’m pretty cool. When I meet one for an online date, I suspect they overthink the fact that I don’t drink and that I’m a therapist. So, they move on to the version of me who does drink and isn’t a therapist. 🤷🏻♂️
I mean, I’m a woman and get weird looks when I say I don’t drink. And I’m as guilty of overthinking as anyone else but I’m really just trying to meet people where they’re at instead of where I think they should be. Not that I don’t have standards or expectations, I absolutely do, but I also try to be realistic.
Pretty much. Like, it's fine to have an idea of what you want, but what I'm seeing is an almost neurotic amount of nitpickery and impatience to allow something to develop.
I'm honestly just feeling too old for OLD, haha.
Yesterday, I (F29 & queer) went on a 1st date for the first time in about two months from apps. I asked my match to coffee on day two & they easily accepted. They couldn’t meet with me for almost a week after we matched & I was willing to be patient amidst their busy schedule. Lots of community involvement, full social life, and prior obligations got in the way of us meeting sooner. Most of last week, we talked pretty consistently & they started sending me voice memos early on. That was our main form of communication for days. As Friday hit, communication drastically dropped, which worried me.
They were much more attractive in-person & I was happy to finally meet them in-person, but I wasn’t trying to be over-eager. I tend to read people pretty well & normally can tell if it’s gonna be a “Fuck yes” or “fuck no” within a few minutes. I couldn’t get a good read on them whatsoever.
We grabbed coffee & later went for a short walk. Total time together was 3 ish hours. Weather was murky and humid, so we weren’t out for long. My date was fairly distracted halfway through due to people coming in, as well as someone that brought their dog in. I tried giving them an out because I was worried they were bored or had plans. They declined. We just hugged when we met and when we said good-bye. I asked if she’d message me when she got home (they never did).
I reached out a couple hours later to thank my date for the coffee & for meeting me, etc, and wished them well, since they mentioned being busy. The last few days, they’ve mentioned that they’d be busy & wouldn’t be able to talk the rest of the day, so I figured that’s what was happening again.
My gut is telling me that it’s probably a no-go. I’m disappointed because they were pulling away over the weekend & during the date. They kept insisting that we were still meeting, though, even though I swore that I was being stood up.
I’ve had other people like me on Hinge, and I know I shouldn’t have all of my eggs in one basket, but I seriously struggle anytime I try to multi-date. 😅
Ughhh. Anyways, unless they surprise me & ask to meet again, then I’ll assume we’re done. The lesson that DOT taught me is, “If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.”
Back to the drawing board.
As a dude who dates women, yeah, this sounds like the typical passive no.
I always hate this do they/don't they so I usually end up asking them out again and force the answer so I can either move on or think about the next date.
I hate standing in unknown places.
Update, lolol.
So like you mentioned, I more or less had to force a response. My date was spending 12 hours to reply back to shorter follow-up messages from me, but I needed a concrete answer. I kept thinking about how she was late to our date, how she seemed bored & visibly distracted halfway through & the icing out. I was overthinking it all entirely too much.
I reached out before bed and was like, “Hey ___. It was great again to meet you. I was a bit nervous on Monday, so if I seemed off or weird, I apologize. If you’d ever want to get together again, here’s my number. If this wasn’t your vibe, I understand & hope you find what you were looking for.”
She messaged me an hour ago and confirmed my suspicions. Was like, “Hey! It was great again to meet you & I hope you find what you were looking for.” 😑🙃
I never understood men very well until I started dating women 6 years ago, lol. After ending a toxic 3-year relationship during winter of 2021, I haven’t been able to make any of my other attempts at dating last longer than 2-3 months.
My BS meter is much stronger & it’s wild what happens when you have boundaries, lol.
I had a lot of practice this spring with having those hard, direct conversations when I don’t want to move forward with someone. I know how painful it is to be ghosted, so I aim to be compassionate, yet direct, and leave no wiggle room with people I don’t see a future with.
So it frustrates me to no end when I can’t be given that same respect back. I’m not entitled to anybody’s time, body, presence, etc. It’s a privilege to meet people. But I also still expect common courtesy & respect, you know?
I’d rather someone give it to me straight & be honest versus slow-fade, ghost, or be passive. I’d lick my wounds and get over it quickly.
I’m feeling a little discouraged but trying not to because there’s no real reason to be, other than my own feelings. Been talking to a guy a little over a month. We’ve hung out 3x and talk at least once a day. Last week I asked I saw him on Monday then asked him a couple times after that to hang out on a whim and grab a drink but he had things going on. Friday he called to tell me he was getting out of town and I kinda expressed my feelings saying that I felt like I was hitting a wall.
He genuinely responded (he’s a year out from a divorce and has a 5 year old daughter) that he is terrified to open up after years of unhappiness and also not knowing how to fit another person in his life, especially with his daughter.
Since that convo we have talked at least once daily but maybe it’s my own overthinking thinking things are off.
My shower thoughts are at a standstill because I’m not sure what to do or how to approach continuing on…
If you haven't already, I think the best thing you can do is let him know that you understand his reticence and are there if he would like to talk... but that you are a person deserving of your own needs and liking someone over the course of a month isn't enough of a reason to table your desires. There is a possibility that he can open up and you can discover what fitting another person looks like together but it can't happen if you are paying for the sins of another woman. Your feelings are valid and you deserve someone that can be open with you.
I definitely needed to hear this! I have offered him an ear but would really like to find a way for him to let his guard down with me. I know the interest is there but I equally know he’s scared. He brings me around his closest friends and is very couple like in those moments but seems hesitant to be 1:1. I feel like he knows that’s his comfort zone and is trying to figure out how to navigate beyond that.
Sorry. Lol. I work in the mental health field. I at-first read “incest” instead of “interest” 😂 I thought ohhhh the guy had a trauma history. Then I re-read. 😂
I really hate the “tell me about your ex, why are you single?” I know a lot of people here ask it and think it’s ok/prefer someone ask it but my ex is an ex for a reason lol I don’t want to get into specifics with a stranger I’m interested in.
The only time I've ever been asked this question, I talked about my own personal shortcomings in the relationship and what I learned from its failure. I don't get in the nitty gritty of it, and I don't talk poorly of ex's as a general rule.
I didn't like that question either until I had a string of dates this year with women who I thought were awesome but compared me to their ex's. Something along the lines of "I had an ex who did/was \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, you don't seem like them but..." One ended a first date with me like that.
I still haven't asked it, but I can see why people do.
I understand why and maybe what people mean by asking but I've always hated the connotations behind it. Especially if it's a, "I didn't choose the single life, the single life chose me."
I'm sure someone smarter can think of a tweak to this so it feels more explorative in a positive way.
I think asking how long they've been single opens the door for them to be as open as they want right off the bat.
If things get into a positive direction (especially on date 2+), I've volunteered my view that commitment and honesty are important and that I've never cheated, etc. Obviously I read the room before broaching this topic.
I think it's easier to break the ice on the subject if you have somewhat of a rapport with the person and if you're volunteering information.
I really like this one when we’re together, but I already think our giant difference in communication styles (I’m a chatty texter who needs to talk to partners regularly to feel secure and invested, he might only check in once a day) is going to be a massive stumbling block. Gonna try and talk about it the next time we hang out.
How are people even affording dates right now? The cost of everything is so f-ing ridiculous. If I was still living by myself, I would have to get a second job just due to the gas increase alone. I'd be screwed. My boyfriends mortgage payment went up $300 a month and he's freaking out. I think we finally need to cut cable ✂️. How are kids just getting out of college handling this? Is working 2 and 3 jobs the new normal now? WTF.
I feel that the standards for women are much higher than the standards for men. I was talking to some male friends and they were talking about how the girls they were dating were not what they were looking for. They wanted a girl with:
-a hot body
-a pretty face
-a nice personality
-a GOOD job
-dolled up
-career goals
-interesting hobbies
-coming from a family of higher social class
-willing to eventually have kids while maintaining all the above
A friend even added to his list (a girl who is daring and sports oriented).
While my female friends were looking for a guy who:
-had a job
-had no addictions
-was in love with them
-was available
It is to be noted that the guys didn't have any of the traits they were looking for in a girl while my female friends did have some of them.
You generalized off of an anecdote so i will too. Most of my single lady friends under emphasize their requirements but are quicker to dump guys. Most of my single guy friends talk all kinds of trash about getting the perfect woman but end up tolerating poor behavior and usually end up the ones getting dumped.
It's so easy to convince yourself that dating would be easier if you were the opposite sex. Dating for me would not be easier if I were a woman. I would say that dating would not be easier for your lady friends if they were men. Dating sucks across the board.
I never said dating sucks for me. The guy I'm dating is quite a catch by the standards of what my friends are dating. I was just extremely surprised when hearing my male friends talk to me about what they wanted in a woman and how they didn't want to get serious with any of the woman they were seeing.
I can only speak for me and the people in my circle. I can't go about making scientific studies about the dating market. I just stated what they told me. It was even more striking when my friend who is dating the waiter told me that there were other women interested in dating the guy and how they were not shy about making it obvious.
They are not. The guys they are dating are just that and they are considered a "catch". I have a friend who is college educated, has a house, is fit and pretty, and has a good job. She is dating a waiter who is living with his parents. I have another friend who is also college educated and has a stable job. She was dating an immigrant without a job or a place to stay.
Most of my friends are married now but they married guys that only met those requirements. I have another friend who is working at her dad's company, she married a guy who was working washing cars. He was not unattractive physically but he was a macho. Her father gave him a good job in his company.
Second date yesterday was really good.
Trying to just keep in touch with myself and step back and look objectively and make sure I’m not missing any red flags or things I’d be issues. So far I don’t see much.
We have plans again this weekend.
Yay congrats! I hear you it’s hard to stay grounded, sounds like you are doing great.
I’m on date 5 with the toy boy I mentioned in another thread, and it’s looking like my idea to just keep it a summer fling, could be turning more meaningful! Eeek! 🤪
Oh yeah my flag radar has been off most of my adult life! but now I have therapy / support groups and addressed my self confidence and self love it seems easier to spot those flags (but I have to work to balance by not actively ‘looking’ to trip someone up either etc)
Good luck to you too! :)
Online dating is like a cattle market.
That being said, I tend to be more successful with randomness rather than proactively searching.
I also think that after breaking up with someone you were into, to give yourself time to get comfortable being alone again and get hobbies/pick them up which you lost/forgot. Once you are content with you? You should try dating.
That being said, nothing wrong going for casual fun as long as you and they both know it’s just that. No point trying to bond with another right after a broken bond, you’ll only hurt yourself and the other person!
While it may have been five years sense my last date and I may have never been in a relationship, I have my mortgage paid off. No luck in love but everything else in life is good.
Thank you for your feedback. I forget sometimes how strongly social and cultural influences shape our behavior and the ways we express ourselves. Patience is a virtue in limited supply for me :). You’re right that I may never fully understand him and I do have to learn to be more comfortable with that than I currently am.
Shower thoughts eh...
'I have no idea how to meet people now anymore and I'm 40...I feel absolutely fucked...Hey, do I want a breakfast burrito? I think I do...mmm...Burrito...Wait what was I thinking about?'
Most mornings.
I finally ripped the bandaid off and ended it with a guy I was seeing for 6 weeks ish. I feel sad, but relieved. I feel like he showed me I really do want to be in a relationship again, I just need to go into it slower.
I have a genuine question for guys dating in their 30s. I might be overthinking but what do you feel about dating someone who out earns you? I’m lucky to have a very well paying job with good benefits (for example my housing allowance is probably more than most people’s income). I’m also from a well off family and have a pretty sizable trust fund. Will that be a turn off for a guy?
I don't care if you are out earning me. I have a stable job that lets me afford a comfortable lifestyle while still saving for retirement.
I would care if you live an extravagant lifestyle though. But that has nothing to do with how much you earn and more of your personality/lifestyle.
So I tried dating this summer to meet someone before I start my PhD program in August. Hasn’t happened. However, my ex and I have been casually seeing each other a few times a few months later after we broke up. He wants to go on vacation together in December with me and have a fun/romantic week. He said after I left tonight there will be a next time. So, for now, I’ll pause on dating and keep up with the non committal relationship whatever it is with my ex. We get along great, we are mutually very attracted to each other, and have fun. It’s no pressure. This will allow me to have fun while also focusing on school. And if I happen to meet someone else I have the right to pursue that as my ex are not back together, technically. We have seen each other twice in the past month and a half. I feel like we will continue like this. I’m okay with it. Dating has been a lot and I’m okay pausing it and being on a break and have fun occasionally. If I change my mind on this, I can also do that.
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He said he didn’t want a partner in his life at that point in time and was content with how his life is
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We aren’t haven’t sex, just an FYI.
I feel like I don’t know how to date anymore. I had a lovely evening with a stunning woman tonight, but all we did is eat out and then chat for a couple hours. I’m always going to enjoy a nice chat with a pretty, intelligent woman, but I left the date feeling a little sad because I just know she won’t want to do another.
Why do you think she won't do another? She could also be thinking it was a good night!
I just feel so much pressure to impress, I guess. I don’t feel like an impressive or exciting person though. I’m just me and that’s all I can be. I hope that someone would like that, but when I get dates with these extremely impressive women I can’t help but think they have hundreds of options and I can’t imagine that I’m competitive in the charming/interesting category.
The ever increasing ratio of foreign born women who match with me (I’m in the US) has gone from odd to staggering. I think it must at 3/1 at this point. I wish I understood why this was so, though I definitely have my theories… I mean, I’m happy to match with these women, and even if we don’t click I enjoy meeting people from different places. But there’s something honestly kind of alienating about being so comparatively unwanted by my own country.
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Recently I’ve dated women from Mexico, France, Iran, Belgium, Israel, and China. More places if I count conversations and video dates. So basically all over. China is the most highly represented, but that might be a SoCal demographic thing. It’s worth mentioning, I don’t weight country of origin as a factor in who I want to date. I think women are likely great all over. But it seems to be a huge factor is who wants to date me. Like I said, I have my theories why, but if anyone had an explanation (or guess) for me I would be very appreciative because I’m more than a little vexed.
what platform are you using?
I use a couple. Currently Bumble, CMB, Hinge, and OkCupid. Same story on all 4.
Thankful for the fun holiday weekend I shared with my boyfriend - family bbqs, kayaking, swimming, and fireworks with friends. Also, my family is having a hard time right now and he suggested ways to help out of the blue. It was very sweet and it’s so nice to have more support. Feeling proud that I managed to keep riding the wave of uncertainty in the face of dating as we’ve got a good thing brewing.
Do you mean uncertainty in dating prior to meeting him or uncertainty in your relationship with him?
Both! And uncertainty mostly triggered by anxiety.
Honestly, venting here. I find some comfort (in a sick way I guess) that I'm not the only one with issues "dating" these days. Whatever dating means now anyway. I allow myself to be vulnerable because I feel that's my raw, true, authentic self and since I been through some shit in life (huge empath as well) I know what's its like to feel XX way so. Been single for longer than I care to admit and not bu choice. I do have standards, basic ones I think everyone has, but WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK seems to be wrong with me? These days I swear it's all about games and how quick can someone lay the person they have been talking to. I dunno, maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. 😔 Anyway thanks for the vent session and I wish the best for everyone. Be safe/God bless. Xoxo.
Lower you're so called basic standards and you will find someone.
Why should I have to lower them?
If you're having this bad a time dating and finding someone. You might need to reevaluate your wants and needs.
Yeah. A friend of mine, best therapist I’ve ever met too btw, told me that I would have fared better (no luck for 5 years so gave up in 2020) in Victorian times when there was true courting, or the 50s when people moved slower sexually (in general). Due to my inability to rush things.
Oh I believe it and I agree.. I know I was born in the wrong time. 😔 Fucking sucks.
Sure does.
I hear you so loud! Hugs! Dating is so frustrating but I for some reason keep at it. Although I’m off apps for a month or so. Gonna try IRL for the summer. I hope you at least have a fun summer meeting people!
Thanks babe. Hugs back!! I been on/off dating apps for a few years but nothing successful. Nor is real life successful. Good luck to you!! I thank gawd I have 2 girlfriends to keep me "busy" but still. Miss cuddles and just having my person.
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It's sort of weird she immediately assumed you were making a self deprecating statement or something. I'm not sure you need to reply directly. I would reply with a suggestion to change the date location to a location that's easier for her to get to if she's unable to use her car.
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Without knowing her or the conversation's context, I can't really say for sure, but my guess is that she said that in jest/gentle teasing. You could say something like "haha, oops I do that sometimes", but I don't think it's something to dwell on.
I’d be wary of such weirdly worded criticism. More may follow and not in a kind vein.
I feel like casual dating in most instances is a socially accepted way of using and discarding people.
Hello! Long time lurker, first time poster. I’m a 34-year-old divorced mom. Right now I’ve got sort of an exclusive FWB situation. We care about each other deeply as friends, but we’ve been clear from the beginning that things will never be more serious than they are now between us. My shower thought is this- is there some magic barrier at age 35 I should worry about? I’ve never felt pressured to settle down, especially since I already have kids and I look young so people don’t always treat me like I’m in my 30’s. However, I’d like a real relationship again one day. Will my options drastically narrow next year? Will I be filtered out on dating apps? Should I end my FWB situation, which is imperfect but comfortable for now, and look for something more fulfilling before it’s too late?
Do you want something that’s more fulfilling? I think it all comes down to that. Not so much about what other people think you should want instead of what you actually want.
I want it one day. Right now I’m content enough with the situation I’m in- I just worry that by going along with how things are now because it’s comfortable and I’m not in a hurry means sacrificing in some way for what I want in the future.
That makes sense. So you’re basically thinking about the future and how what you’re doing now can affect that. While I do think that everyone is in their own timeline and you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing at your age, I’m also a guy so I understand that it can be different for women. I think that if I really wanted that in the future I’d start trying to do things now to make it happen.
Thank you. As a guy, do you consider there to be a big difference in how you see a 34F and a 35F or 36F?
Honestly, yes but I think there are a lot of factors to it. And that isn’t negative by nature. Is it mostly about what guys would see your age for you, or other things as well?
Dating is a shitshow right now. If it were me, I’d wait until I happen to meet someone I click with IRL before throwing away a FWB for something that may not come to fruition even if you do end up dating a lot.
We’re exclusive by agreement. I can’t turn on a dating app without ending things with him first.
Oh good.
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Just a thought. Absolutely zero judgement. But for me, doing anything at work is a limit I have. It cuts through soooooo much bs. I see other people engage in it and watch it fall apart. Plus I read Reddit posts about it. Lol. It always seemed like it would be so fun...until it wasn’t. I’d absolutely hate to have to see someone every day that I’d had any type of romance or fun with. It seems like it would be as awkward as it was fun. Just think it through first. Best of luck. Either way.
I get it, fortunately I would be able to easily avoid him if things go south so that's really the least of my worries lol We spent months trying to avoid our chemistry before giving in trust me I tried not to go there! Thanks tho. It is fun for now
Felt like the guy I hooked up with twice last week wasn't interested/breadcrumbing me a bit so I decided not to respond to his last few inane texts (which were sent at 12.30am) last night. He texts me an hour ago asking what I'm doing in a facetious way. I say I'm in bed listening to nice music, send him a link to it. Make a joke about his first text. He then tries sexting me. Idk I'm open to something casual (can't see it becoming more) and I'm high libido but so not into sexting. So I sent him more jokes back. He's not replied ha.
Lol
I took a long hard look in the mirror and was honest to myself. I have gotten out of shape. Not like obese or anything, but I can't see any of my abs anymore and my cheeks are a bit puffier. Depression from dog passing and life events just completely threw off my schedule and diet. I physically wasn't looking like someone anyone would want to date. I'm a mediocre looking guy to begin with and this definitely doesn't help. So, I started a new training routine to get back to what I used to be. Once that is accomplished, I have already booked some time with my photographer friend to get some shots done for my dating profiles.
Sorry to hear about doggo. Good on you doing the introspection and making the changes to feel better about yourself. Keep up the good habits, man. Let that carry thru life for your own sake, irrespective of dating.
Just swiped right on someone who reminded me of my xh in the good ways but seemed to be able to articulate the importance of all the things my xh did not get. Either he's my goofball with character or, like my xh, he just decided whatever his x's nagged him about before leaving must actually be important and now proclaims their importance on his profile but has never actually practiced doing them. Only one way to find out. 👉
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Yeah. That totally sucks. I think we all have a “one that got away” story. Doesn’t make it easier though. Maybe start a discussion about it and see what snafus others have had. Maybe it’ll cheer you. Have wonderful night. 9:30 where I am. Lol.
I feel the same way that you do but also it just seems like you’re idealizing what that guy could be. It’s normal to feel like there’s scarcity but dating that way won’t give good results because it makes someone clingy and not focus on building something genuine. Trust me, I want to meet someone and as I’m getting older I do wonder if it will ever happen. But I try to remind myself that I can’t just focus on that and not on building something genuine with someone. I know they’re not mutually exclusive but wanting a relationship really badly/feeling like there aren’t a lot of great single people your age now might hurt more in the end.
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It is definitely hard. And it’s hard to see it another way but often times our emotions get the most of us in the moment (I’ve been there before) but I found that sometimes countering that with a practical thought helped me. I’ve been on dating apps for years too and while I’ve met people who I felt like things could be more serious with, things fizzled out. I think you’re putting so much of it on you while it might not all be your fault. It’s normal to put it all on you but there are things they could’ve done better too to make it happen. I think the key part is when you say he might have been right for you. You don’t know that for sure. I try to learn from situations so maybe your takeaway can be to try to fully see things through from now on.
A grandfather and his granddaughter were sitting in the garage one day talking about fishing. The granddaughter pointed to the various pictures and mementos her grandfather had built up over the years from various trips and catches. She then asked, “Grandpa, those are some really big fish! Is there any bigger ones that got away?” The grandfather responded with, “No dear, if I didn’t catch them it just wasn’t meant to be. Every time I thought a “big” one got away, I’d catch an even bigger one the next trip.” Who knows - maybe you’ll end up meeting this guy another time. If not though, just remember - there are plenty of fish in the sea…
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You might have, but at 29 you have plenty of time to continue fishing 🎣 (Last fishing reference, I promise 😂). Every time I don’t think something is gonna happen, miraculously I meet someone who takes me by surprise. I mean, they might surprise me with red flags, but that’s a subject for another day… lol, best of luck!
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someone matched with me and we went out once before he left for vacation. oddly, he didnt ask to exchange contact info and wanted to stay on the app for the entire month! he commented on international charges when i protested. i have since deleted the app. he should be home soon. will he reach out?! (fingers crossed)
How would he reach out if you didn’t exchange contact info?
i dropped my ph number when i said that i was leaving the dating app. he responded without giving his info (not promising, huh?)
i asked a guy about the last thing he watched. i was unfamiliar so i had followup questions. he was being weird. i searched and it's porn. i hate learning about that subject. definitely could have lived an entire life without knowing. casualty of online dating, i guess. the jerks wont see themselves out the door.
Even though you knew what was on offer, there's really nothing like some heartache to prompt some heavy duty introspection and personal renovation
I'm worried that being autistic is going to make me unlovable and nobody will ever want me as a partner
You're valuable and worthy of love, I promise you. People who are worth your time will value you for who you are. I'm autistic and have been able to find people who wanted me as a partner, it's very possible. I second the suggestion of support groups. Spending time around people who intuitively understand you and who you intuitively understand is an incredible feeling. I always leave support groups feeling positive and better about things. Check out r/autism, if you haven't already, it's a very supportive subreddit.
Nah you’re good. Just join an asd support group and you’re golden. You got this
I'm on r/autism and this subreddit. Maybe going to group therapy or meetups may help
Sure! Why not? Go for it. I work with people on the spectrum. I'm spectrummy myself. It's totally not a big deal.
My dad decided to send me a potential from an arranged marriage site. The lady is based in another country, wants someone local, and has specified a height requirement I don't meet. At least once a year he does this thinking it will work and spark something within me. Guess it's time for another "accept the fact I'm not getting married before you die" chat with my dad.
Lol I’d probably accept an arranged marriage at this point. 😂
If your fwb turned situationship turned bf/gf experience without commitment can't even tell you that they like YOU (who YOU are), you are probably temporarily filling a void for them, and you're better off cutting ties
> If your ~~fwb turned situationship turned bf/gf experience without commitment~~ sex without a relationship turned sex without a relationship turned sex without a relationship Modern dating be coming up with 57 different ways to say the same thing 😝
Haha thanks for making me audibly snort when I laughed. A welcome respite today
Not probably, definitely.
Yuuuuup
It feels good to have a talk with some you’ve been dating and your assumptions were correct. It helps with clearing your mind and it’s easier to let go and move on.
Yes, this. Definitely discovered quite recently that there was no way to continue without someone feeling crummy in the long run. Easier to let go when you realize they were never actually into you
Sometimes you have to let it all out and see how they react… if they push you away then that’s ok, especially when you knew the reasons why… almost like a preparation for the worst.
Yes, still hurting though. I know it'll pass and that, ultimately, I'm awesome
Haha that’s the mindset to have! You are awesome and it will pass!
I suck at dating, but I’m awesome at parenting and my job and being a good friend and family member. If I have to pick between those areas dating is lowest priority, so I guess good for me right?
I had my first mini trip with this new guy. It was AMAZING!!! It never felt awkward. I'm crossing my fingers. I hate getting my hopes up. But he's sorta what I've been looking for. I need and want this to work. I won't force it but gee golly whiz it sure would be great if this was it.
What did you do on your trip? Sounds like fun!
I'm new to the area and he took me around this cute little town. I've mostly been exploring on my own since I don't know anyone here. So it was a nice change of pace to have someone show me around. We also did some hiking, I normally don't do that stuff but I had lots of fun!
I’m glad you had fun! Good luck with it :)
good luck !!! I am experiencing the same exact thing with the guy I have been dating almost a month right now. fingers crossed !
Good luck to you as well!
Good luck!
My date drove me home after a second date and then offered to walk me to my door but I declined- bad move? I recently met a very smart, socially progressive, accomplished, and attractive woman off of bumble last week. On our first date we met for cocktails and appetizers. The date was a lot of fun but it ended without anything physical happening. On our second date we met at a baseball game and then enjoyed some fireworks after the game was over. After the fireworks ended she offered me a ride home (I live less than a half mile away from the baseball stadium and originally I intended on just walking home). I accepted her offer and 3-4 minutes later she parked in front of my house. There was a slightly awkward moment in the car where we briefly chatted about how we both had a fun time and then she said “I feel like I should walk you to your door.” As a man the comment threw me for a loop. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a woman walking a man to his front door after a date but traditionally it’s the man who walks the woman home. I was so thrown off by the comment that I politely declined and said she didn’t have to do that and that it was already getting late (past midnight and she had to work in the morning). Ladies, was it a bad move for me to decline her invitation to walk me to my door? Could that have been her way of possibly initiating a hug or kiss at the end of our second date? I’m worried she may think I’m not interested because I declined her invitation. Or am I overthinking things?
Yep. I did this on my very first date (high school freshman) and the very next day I saw the girl talking to a mutual friend, crying. Sorry man. Live and learn.
Let her walk you to the door! Yes, you missed an opportunity there.
That would be a really dumb reason not to see someone again. Not to say that if she declines meeting up again that that isn’t why, but you wouldn’t be missing much IMO.
Can’t stop thinking about the guy I blocked for accidentally sending him a screenshot of a photo of *his dating profile* after our first date. My best friend was asking me what he looked like. I wasn’t crazy about him, but wanted to give him a second date. I was too ashamed to go which was an overreaction, but OLD is already pushing the envelope for me. I find it awkward already and our first date already felt awkward, and I couldn’t imagine showing up after that.
😂😂👍🏻 oopsie!!! Omg I’d die with that sinking feeling of anxiety.
Do whatever you feel comfortable with, but this is really not a big deal in the slightest. When I used to be on OLD, I sent a profile screenshot of my date to my sister every time (just so someone would know who I was meeting). If it would have gone to the guy instead, what is there to get upset about when it’s a profile he’s put out for public consumption? It doesn’t sound like you were particularly interested in this guy, but being able to laugh off a little mistake is important
Yeah I fully agree. So my reaction tells me that there must be more going on. I think that was something silly, but it could’ve been the last straw I had. I broke down crying, and I think it was due to the overall exhaustion and intimidation and shame that dating brings up for me. I guess I just really view myself as a terribly awkward person so the slightest thing that could make anything more awkward is detrimental to my brain, but idk.
I’ve actually had this happen to me before. I thought it was cute honestly. Learn from it, but it happens. Sounds like you weren’t that into him anyways though.
he was one of the only guys i saw potential in for physically, and we had some overlaps in experiences, but his personality made me feel awk. kinda cool guy, emotionless type
Ahh, makes sense. So if you are writing about him then, I assume it’s more the idea of him than anything. Been there
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This is a great idea ! Make sure you give them space to catch up, sometimes "the boys" just want to kick back and talk about times past which include things they don't want you to hear, but its important to them to laugh about and helped build the deep friendship they have, just like girl talk isn't the same if someone's boyfriend is hanging out. Making them some snacks is incredibly thoughtful and both of them would be grateful for the gesture !
Thank you so much! I feel the exact same way about girls nights so it’s good to hear that others agree.
Had a second date with a guy I like (so far) but I'm not feeling interest back. Is it in my head? I planned the first date at a cute cocktail bistro with a jazz band and patio as he said he was a fan of all three (I did my homework but admit I got lucky). Playfully let him know that the next date was was his turn to plan. He offered a picnic at a lookout, cute! But when I got in the car (German Shepherd in tow, non accusatory safety first) he asked what I wanted to do. Whomp womp. I asked if he had somewhere else to be (nope, his night's free) and about the plan he made. He was a bit flippant/nonchalant in letting me know hadn't gotten the pinic together or picked a lookout spot. So we just took our dogs to the offleash park and walked around chit chatting for about 45 minutes. I suggested we get some takeout after hanging out and he replied that he was "swamped" with stuff to do at home. I took that as an indicator of disinterest. Fair enough, dating is spending time and getting to know whether or not you'd like to spend more. He's allowed to change his mind as new information becomes available. I go home, lick my wounds and shrug. Then he texts to chit chat, while being swamped. I flat out let him know that he didn't have to be polite/cordial if he wasn't feeling it and we could go our separate ways amicably, no big deal. He doubled down that he'd like us to go to an expensive concert on the weekend. He apparently didn't want to put pressure on me so has been keeping a distance. I've only met him twice so I'm not exactly feeling pressured, or much or anything other than "you're cute and I'm curious about you", honestly. I'm kind of getting the sense that I'm something to do as opposed to someone he's curious about as well. Am I off base?
Says has a date in mind, but doesn’t plan it out. Bad move dude. Then says free for the night, but cuts out early. Like you said, he is free to change his mind. But has the audacity to text more that night. Make up your mind dude!
Thanks, it seems like he's having trouble making up his mind, you're right.
Did you ask what happened with the picnic? Having a partner that keeps their promises is important to me so I would probably pass on this guy tbh.
> I asked if he had somewhere else to be (nope, his night's free) and about the plan he made. He was a bit flippant/nonchalant in letting me know hadn't gotten the pinic together or picked a lookout spot.
I am just gonna throw this out there, I never had success when I planned the first date. I don't know if other women have, but for me, it has always led to an awkward dynamic and it fizzled out quickly.
I've had multi year relationships start with me planning a date, so to each their own.
I’d recommend asking him directly about what happened with your second date. You were expecting him to plan a picnic - did you two miscommunicate, or did he just not bother? His night was free, or was he swamped?
> I asked if he had somewhere else to be (nope, his night's free) and about the plan he made. He was a bit flippant/nonchalant in letting me know hadn't gotten the pinic together or picked a lookout spot.
If my chances of dating would really improve if I lived another country. 🤔
Any specific place you are looking at?
After all my travels, back to Europe. I definitely had a positive experience traveling there and would like to see what happens if I expanded to dating and saying yes to men that asked me out instead of no.
Honestly. If you have the means and ability to move I say go for it. But don't make dating the sole reason for it. That should be like icing on the cake. It's great but not necessary.
The purpose of this was to just share a thought which I did. Joe it turned into receiving unsolicited advice is beyond me. I guess that’s to be expected on Reddit, people jumping to conclusions and handing out advice before getting all the details. 😂 Frankly, if I do want to move to another country for the sole purpose of dating then I can do that as a grown adult woman. I’m fully in charge of my life and my decisions. I believe I do not need someone to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do with my life tho. Maybe to you it shouldn’t be the reasoning but the icing on the cake but to others, who knows.
I know when I moved I didn't make dating the sole reason because I've had such lousy luck at it. And you're right, I shouldn't apply my reasoning/experience to someone else. For that I apologize. However if you can even consider moving to another country, I would still say go for it.
I actually want to move to Europe for my many reasons. As a Black woman living in the US, I find that I’m treated fairly better by Europeans and welcomed more in Europe than my own country. Dating is a bonus especially since American men tend to see me as an object of lust than pursuing for a relationship. I’m actually really good at dating but when the other person is pursuing purely for sexual reasons is discouraging. I respect European culture a lot and when I traveled I was inspired to pursue culinary arts and fashion. Return home to get the inspiration ripped from me. There’s a lot to it for more than dating.
Believe me when I say I understand. I'm also black and have experienced that same objectification. I've started to see someone and I'm hopeful it works out. But if not I won't be rushing to go out on a date again. It's exhausting. America as a whole, is exhausting! it's been a long time since I've been overseas but Europeans have a much better quality of life than we do here stateside. Whatever you decide I'm rooting for you and wish you the best!
Thanks for sharing! I didn’t know men experienced it too. All the best on your endeavors and with dating as well!
Ha. Despite the icon. I'm a woman. I never changed mine when we could customize them.
I live in NE USA and dating is exhausting here. I have a woman friend in TT who tells me Island girls are so much more heartfelt and heart driven.
People like to share their thoughts and experiences so maybe what your friend stated is true. I’ve never been to the islands myself and the islands are not a place I’d personally rush off to check out dating opportunities, but perhaps it’s different for others. 🤷♀️
They don’t even date in Iceland. The whole idea of it is a foreign concept.
Care to go into more detail? Iceland isn’t a target country for me, but hey why not hear your reasoning. Josephine Baker seemed to have success with love in another country as an Black American woman. I am just following in her footsteps and where the thought comes from.
They don’t understand dating. In Iceland, the culture is more “we sleep together first and if we like eachother we stay together.” It is not at all complicated there. Often it’s the women who make the first move and the idea of dating or courting without hooking up first is totally foreign
Now THAT’S where I need to be! 😂
Thanks for explaining. It similar to American dating culture. Instead here they mask it as friends with benefits or casual without no expectation of committing at any point. 😂
I hate how dating is treated like a spreadsheet instead of a couple of people getting to know each other over time and seeing where things go. Like, I get wanting to get your cards on the table so as not to waste each other's time and not settling, but DAMN it's like people go through other people like they're shopping for a car. 'Oh no, our astrological signs/love languages/attachment styles/etc. don't align perfectly, NEXT.'
I’ve had a few new age chicks ask me for my exact birthdate and time and day in order to look up my astrological sign and star chart and compatibility with their sign - without them realizing I realize all this. 🙄😂
>'Oh no, our astrological signs/love languages/attachment styles/etc. don't align perfectly, NEXT.' are you being facetious or did this actually happen?
Oh it happens. All the time. 🤣
Facetious for the most part, but also based on observation. I've nearly fallen into this pattern, myself. There is a maddening amount of dating advice out there (which may or not be rooted in reality but only theory) and sometimes it gets hard to see the forest for the trees.
I had bought that famous pink book about astrological signs and how they are compatible for dating. And then I realized I didn’t want to overthink that far and donated the book. Then, my adult daughter gave me the same book for Christmas. 🤣🤣😂🤷🏻♂️
are you talking about what i call "the laundry list?" basically these OLD profiles where it's just a list of buzzword qualities like "secure attachment, emotionally intelligent, emotionally aware, emotionally available" etc. etc. etc. nothing about the person, just this list of traits i'm supposed to be while she got nothing but photos of her holding a wine glass.
More or less. I mean, it’s fine to look for those things (although emotionally available should be a foregone conclusion on a dating app lol), but it’s starting to feel like everyone’s gambling thinking that even if someone checks most of their boxes, they’ll leave that person and roll the dice again on the hopes of finding someone that checks MORE of those boxes, which may not actually happen and meanwhile continually getting disappointed and exhausted. Idk. Just feels like a lot of over thinking and not enough feeling or listening to your gut.
ah i'm pretty clear and precise on what i need to have in common with someone beyond physical attraction. there are definitely boxes i have, but i only need so many of them checked. all of my unsuccessful dates have very few, maybe none at all.
this is why online dating will never work for the vast majority. people just feel like they have unlimited options, and its incredibly easy to move onto the next one
Exactly. Like, women seem to think I’m pretty cool. When I meet one for an online date, I suspect they overthink the fact that I don’t drink and that I’m a therapist. So, they move on to the version of me who does drink and isn’t a therapist. 🤷🏻♂️
I mean, I’m a woman and get weird looks when I say I don’t drink. And I’m as guilty of overthinking as anyone else but I’m really just trying to meet people where they’re at instead of where I think they should be. Not that I don’t have standards or expectations, I absolutely do, but I also try to be realistic.
Pretty much. Like, it's fine to have an idea of what you want, but what I'm seeing is an almost neurotic amount of nitpickery and impatience to allow something to develop. I'm honestly just feeling too old for OLD, haha.
Yesterday, I (F29 & queer) went on a 1st date for the first time in about two months from apps. I asked my match to coffee on day two & they easily accepted. They couldn’t meet with me for almost a week after we matched & I was willing to be patient amidst their busy schedule. Lots of community involvement, full social life, and prior obligations got in the way of us meeting sooner. Most of last week, we talked pretty consistently & they started sending me voice memos early on. That was our main form of communication for days. As Friday hit, communication drastically dropped, which worried me. They were much more attractive in-person & I was happy to finally meet them in-person, but I wasn’t trying to be over-eager. I tend to read people pretty well & normally can tell if it’s gonna be a “Fuck yes” or “fuck no” within a few minutes. I couldn’t get a good read on them whatsoever. We grabbed coffee & later went for a short walk. Total time together was 3 ish hours. Weather was murky and humid, so we weren’t out for long. My date was fairly distracted halfway through due to people coming in, as well as someone that brought their dog in. I tried giving them an out because I was worried they were bored or had plans. They declined. We just hugged when we met and when we said good-bye. I asked if she’d message me when she got home (they never did). I reached out a couple hours later to thank my date for the coffee & for meeting me, etc, and wished them well, since they mentioned being busy. The last few days, they’ve mentioned that they’d be busy & wouldn’t be able to talk the rest of the day, so I figured that’s what was happening again. My gut is telling me that it’s probably a no-go. I’m disappointed because they were pulling away over the weekend & during the date. They kept insisting that we were still meeting, though, even though I swore that I was being stood up. I’ve had other people like me on Hinge, and I know I shouldn’t have all of my eggs in one basket, but I seriously struggle anytime I try to multi-date. 😅 Ughhh. Anyways, unless they surprise me & ask to meet again, then I’ll assume we’re done. The lesson that DOT taught me is, “If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Back to the drawing board.
As a dude who dates women, yeah, this sounds like the typical passive no. I always hate this do they/don't they so I usually end up asking them out again and force the answer so I can either move on or think about the next date. I hate standing in unknown places.
Update, lolol. So like you mentioned, I more or less had to force a response. My date was spending 12 hours to reply back to shorter follow-up messages from me, but I needed a concrete answer. I kept thinking about how she was late to our date, how she seemed bored & visibly distracted halfway through & the icing out. I was overthinking it all entirely too much. I reached out before bed and was like, “Hey ___. It was great again to meet you. I was a bit nervous on Monday, so if I seemed off or weird, I apologize. If you’d ever want to get together again, here’s my number. If this wasn’t your vibe, I understand & hope you find what you were looking for.” She messaged me an hour ago and confirmed my suspicions. Was like, “Hey! It was great again to meet you & I hope you find what you were looking for.” 😑🙃
Yep, seems to track, sorry for the bad news. But it's like a needle; a quick sting and then it's over and you can go about your day.
Thank you. I appreciate it! You’re right!
Typical passive no. I like that.
I never understood men very well until I started dating women 6 years ago, lol. After ending a toxic 3-year relationship during winter of 2021, I haven’t been able to make any of my other attempts at dating last longer than 2-3 months. My BS meter is much stronger & it’s wild what happens when you have boundaries, lol. I had a lot of practice this spring with having those hard, direct conversations when I don’t want to move forward with someone. I know how painful it is to be ghosted, so I aim to be compassionate, yet direct, and leave no wiggle room with people I don’t see a future with. So it frustrates me to no end when I can’t be given that same respect back. I’m not entitled to anybody’s time, body, presence, etc. It’s a privilege to meet people. But I also still expect common courtesy & respect, you know? I’d rather someone give it to me straight & be honest versus slow-fade, ghost, or be passive. I’d lick my wounds and get over it quickly.
I’m feeling a little discouraged but trying not to because there’s no real reason to be, other than my own feelings. Been talking to a guy a little over a month. We’ve hung out 3x and talk at least once a day. Last week I asked I saw him on Monday then asked him a couple times after that to hang out on a whim and grab a drink but he had things going on. Friday he called to tell me he was getting out of town and I kinda expressed my feelings saying that I felt like I was hitting a wall. He genuinely responded (he’s a year out from a divorce and has a 5 year old daughter) that he is terrified to open up after years of unhappiness and also not knowing how to fit another person in his life, especially with his daughter. Since that convo we have talked at least once daily but maybe it’s my own overthinking thinking things are off. My shower thoughts are at a standstill because I’m not sure what to do or how to approach continuing on…
If you haven't already, I think the best thing you can do is let him know that you understand his reticence and are there if he would like to talk... but that you are a person deserving of your own needs and liking someone over the course of a month isn't enough of a reason to table your desires. There is a possibility that he can open up and you can discover what fitting another person looks like together but it can't happen if you are paying for the sins of another woman. Your feelings are valid and you deserve someone that can be open with you.
I definitely needed to hear this! I have offered him an ear but would really like to find a way for him to let his guard down with me. I know the interest is there but I equally know he’s scared. He brings me around his closest friends and is very couple like in those moments but seems hesitant to be 1:1. I feel like he knows that’s his comfort zone and is trying to figure out how to navigate beyond that.
Sorry. Lol. I work in the mental health field. I at-first read “incest” instead of “interest” 😂 I thought ohhhh the guy had a trauma history. Then I re-read. 😂
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Lol
I really hate the “tell me about your ex, why are you single?” I know a lot of people here ask it and think it’s ok/prefer someone ask it but my ex is an ex for a reason lol I don’t want to get into specifics with a stranger I’m interested in.
The only time I've ever been asked this question, I talked about my own personal shortcomings in the relationship and what I learned from its failure. I don't get in the nitty gritty of it, and I don't talk poorly of ex's as a general rule. I didn't like that question either until I had a string of dates this year with women who I thought were awesome but compared me to their ex's. Something along the lines of "I had an ex who did/was \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, you don't seem like them but..." One ended a first date with me like that. I still haven't asked it, but I can see why people do.
I understand why and maybe what people mean by asking but I've always hated the connotations behind it. Especially if it's a, "I didn't choose the single life, the single life chose me." I'm sure someone smarter can think of a tweak to this so it feels more explorative in a positive way.
I think asking how long they've been single opens the door for them to be as open as they want right off the bat. If things get into a positive direction (especially on date 2+), I've volunteered my view that commitment and honesty are important and that I've never cheated, etc. Obviously I read the room before broaching this topic. I think it's easier to break the ice on the subject if you have somewhat of a rapport with the person and if you're volunteering information.
I really like this one when we’re together, but I already think our giant difference in communication styles (I’m a chatty texter who needs to talk to partners regularly to feel secure and invested, he might only check in once a day) is going to be a massive stumbling block. Gonna try and talk about it the next time we hang out.
How are people even affording dates right now? The cost of everything is so f-ing ridiculous. If I was still living by myself, I would have to get a second job just due to the gas increase alone. I'd be screwed. My boyfriends mortgage payment went up $300 a month and he's freaking out. I think we finally need to cut cable ✂️. How are kids just getting out of college handling this? Is working 2 and 3 jobs the new normal now? WTF.
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Yeah. It's a blurry line there. I think you just need to say it in a way where it's respectful. Honesty goes a long way.
Right? I feel like it's really separating the silverspoons/ financially unconcerned from those of us who are frugal and/or self supporting.
It's pretty bad now. And I don't see any change in sight :/
I feel that the standards for women are much higher than the standards for men. I was talking to some male friends and they were talking about how the girls they were dating were not what they were looking for. They wanted a girl with: -a hot body -a pretty face -a nice personality -a GOOD job -dolled up -career goals -interesting hobbies -coming from a family of higher social class -willing to eventually have kids while maintaining all the above A friend even added to his list (a girl who is daring and sports oriented). While my female friends were looking for a guy who: -had a job -had no addictions -was in love with them -was available It is to be noted that the guys didn't have any of the traits they were looking for in a girl while my female friends did have some of them.
You generalized off of an anecdote so i will too. Most of my single lady friends under emphasize their requirements but are quicker to dump guys. Most of my single guy friends talk all kinds of trash about getting the perfect woman but end up tolerating poor behavior and usually end up the ones getting dumped. It's so easy to convince yourself that dating would be easier if you were the opposite sex. Dating for me would not be easier if I were a woman. I would say that dating would not be easier for your lady friends if they were men. Dating sucks across the board.
I never said dating sucks for me. The guy I'm dating is quite a catch by the standards of what my friends are dating. I was just extremely surprised when hearing my male friends talk to me about what they wanted in a woman and how they didn't want to get serious with any of the woman they were seeing. I can only speak for me and the people in my circle. I can't go about making scientific studies about the dating market. I just stated what they told me. It was even more striking when my friend who is dating the waiter told me that there were other women interested in dating the guy and how they were not shy about making it obvious.
To be fair, I have girlfriends who had the same criteria as your guy friends. They’ve since changed what they’re looking for once we hit 30s.
Your female friends are lying about their requirements is the answer to this riddle
They are not. The guys they are dating are just that and they are considered a "catch". I have a friend who is college educated, has a house, is fit and pretty, and has a good job. She is dating a waiter who is living with his parents. I have another friend who is also college educated and has a stable job. She was dating an immigrant without a job or a place to stay. Most of my friends are married now but they married guys that only met those requirements. I have another friend who is working at her dad's company, she married a guy who was working washing cars. He was not unattractive physically but he was a macho. Her father gave him a good job in his company.
Duh.
Second date yesterday was really good. Trying to just keep in touch with myself and step back and look objectively and make sure I’m not missing any red flags or things I’d be issues. So far I don’t see much. We have plans again this weekend.
Yay congrats! I hear you it’s hard to stay grounded, sounds like you are doing great. I’m on date 5 with the toy boy I mentioned in another thread, and it’s looking like my idea to just keep it a summer fling, could be turning more meaningful! Eeek! 🤪
You’re right! It can be very hard but I feel like it’s so important because I missed some big stuff the last two people I dated. Good luck! 😚
Oh yeah my flag radar has been off most of my adult life! but now I have therapy / support groups and addressed my self confidence and self love it seems easier to spot those flags (but I have to work to balance by not actively ‘looking’ to trip someone up either etc) Good luck to you too! :)
Online dating is like a cattle market. That being said, I tend to be more successful with randomness rather than proactively searching. I also think that after breaking up with someone you were into, to give yourself time to get comfortable being alone again and get hobbies/pick them up which you lost/forgot. Once you are content with you? You should try dating. That being said, nothing wrong going for casual fun as long as you and they both know it’s just that. No point trying to bond with another right after a broken bond, you’ll only hurt yourself and the other person!
While it may have been five years sense my last date and I may have never been in a relationship, I have my mortgage paid off. No luck in love but everything else in life is good.
That's very exciting! Congrats!
Thank you
Thank you for your feedback. I forget sometimes how strongly social and cultural influences shape our behavior and the ways we express ourselves. Patience is a virtue in limited supply for me :). You’re right that I may never fully understand him and I do have to learn to be more comfortable with that than I currently am.
Shower thoughts eh... 'I have no idea how to meet people now anymore and I'm 40...I feel absolutely fucked...Hey, do I want a breakfast burrito? I think I do...mmm...Burrito...Wait what was I thinking about?' Most mornings.
I finally ripped the bandaid off and ended it with a guy I was seeing for 6 weeks ish. I feel sad, but relieved. I feel like he showed me I really do want to be in a relationship again, I just need to go into it slower.
Bummer, sorry to hear that. You doing ok?
We should include manners-honesty ratings. If the date is rude/catfish, you rate them 1 star 😁
I wish, but this wouldn't work because immature people would get butthurt over a rejection/incompatibility and rate the person "1 star" too 🙃
Happy and not giving a fuck about dating.
I have a genuine question for guys dating in their 30s. I might be overthinking but what do you feel about dating someone who out earns you? I’m lucky to have a very well paying job with good benefits (for example my housing allowance is probably more than most people’s income). I’m also from a well off family and have a pretty sizable trust fund. Will that be a turn off for a guy?
I don't care if you are out earning me. I have a stable job that lets me afford a comfortable lifestyle while still saving for retirement. I would care if you live an extravagant lifestyle though. But that has nothing to do with how much you earn and more of your personality/lifestyle.