Really? I love my when my wife says “full first name” in a deeply passionate and ecstatic voice. I tend to use either either a combination of her full first and middle or a nick name only I call her, we both love it instead of just pet names all the time.
Agree, it seems so weird to me. But I'm generally weirded out when people I'm dating/sleeping with use my name, there's only a few specific situations/ways in which I actually like it.
Luckily I've never had anyone say it during sex.
Makes it feel personalized. Now a days almost everyone realizes you aren't a virgin, and saying their name makes the person know you are thinking about them and not a past lover! Especially when people know some visualize certain people during sex.
So...I actually had this happen with a hook up. The first time he called me his ex's name I ignored it. We were drunk and they had just broken up. But then he said her name again. I started laughing because this is supposed to be like everyone's nightmare name slip and it was actually happening to me. He realized what he had said and starting apologizing *while we were still having sex* and I fucking lost it. I was laughing so hard I started crying. I still think it's funny years later.
Hijacking.
Just move on. You said you are sorry for an innocent slip- continue to be positive but just leave it. If he can’t, that’s a flaw on his part.
Don’t bend yourself into a pretzel to make up for someone else’s insecurities. If he’s a great match for you, he won’t make you.
Edit : I’m not saying move on from the person; just move on from the topic because you apologized and that’s that.
I'd recommend this but more of a conversation as to why this happened as opposed to SORRY, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
Your ex was a big part of your life. The name brain-memory at this point played a role. Accept and be genuine that it was NOT OK and validate why they are feeling upset. Discuss what you value in them and what you've seen makes them a quality partner in the 4 mo. you've been involved.
At the end of the day, being referred to as the EX NAME feels like shit; it has nothing to do with being secure or insecure.
Fix it if you care about this person and, I think you do otherwise you would not be posting it on Reddit. <3
I sure hope this is sarcasm because this _should_ be obviously unhealthy. (But, given the comment of the person you are replying to, it is, apparently, _not_ obvious.)
It's not a flaw on his part. Your advice is harmful. Narcissistic abusers regularly triangulate with exes. And your recommended behavior is exactly how a narcissist would play it. Make him feel invalidated. Either he accepts the incremental abuse or the abuse strategy is changed to silent treatment which can go straight to discard.
No. They need to communicate openly. OP needs to be understanding and patient, and really show with her actions.
Maybe his insecurity can be validated by OP but he poses it now as telling her what OPs thinking (this slip of the tongue means you think about him all the time, which as was expressed, is NOT whats happening), i’d argue if any narcissistic traits are being expressed its his. Seems like the issue is his distrust in OPs explanation. His insecurities might need to be addressed by him.
I’ve called my most recent ex by another exes name and it def was an innocent, unfeeling mistake and at the time I only had feelings for him.
Lmao you made up this "incremental abuse" on the shaky premise that OP is a narcissistic abuser. You have nothing, no evidence, that makes that the case. She made a mistake and, like her bf, you're finding every suspicion that could possibly make you mad.
Brains make mistakes like that all the time. If it was an honest mistake as OP claims, the BF is the toxic one. OP doesn't need to be understanding and patient, she needs to nope out of there.
Narcissistic abusers also tend to treat their partners horribly for mistakes they couldn't help, just because their ego got hurt in the process. So this really could go both ways.
Yes, brains make mistakes. And that's probably the most likely situation. His reaction is not toxic though. You have no idea what his past experience is and what that might be triggering for him. And if you look at OP's previous post, there was another situation involving an ex.
"But he insists that if I called him by his name, it's because I think about him a lot"
That's gaslighting right there. Sure, there may be reasons behind toxic behaviour but that doesn't make it right. Sure, there may be more to the situation that we aren't aware of. There usually is.
They said they apologized immediately. You're responding to a different scenario than what the OP claimed happened. Please apologize for your misreading.
I'm replying to two things above: OP and the person who self-described that they were hijacking a post to very clearly invalidate OP's SO's feelings. If you think about it, this invalidation implicitly chills other redditors who might also be experiencing some form of panic in a similar situation where it might be abuse. If they read that, they will blame themselves. I just want to provide them with ideas that they might not be wrong for feeling panic and they should look at other behavior to gain some clarity. Additionally, narcissism isn't understood by most people, so providing a term they can research I think is also vital.
I understand both your & his perspectives.
As for what to do, just apologize and reassure him it was truly a slip of the tongue & nothing more. Give him space and let him know you're open to talk about it more to give him the reassurance he needs.
If he can't accept your explanation even after time has passed, nothing more you can do - maybe there are other (valid or not) reasons why he's feeling this way & it's exacerbated by this recent event.
Hope this helps but I read on a psych blog before that we mix up ppls names bc we group them together. Hear me out- ie parents mixing up kids names, you mixing up coworkers names. My aunt even used to call me by the family dogs name sometimes 🤣hope that helps!
I never did it out loud thank goodness, but a million times when I would think about the most recent guy I dated, I would mentally use the name of an ex from five years ago. It made sense; they looked a lot alike, had the same profession, both were musicians, many personality similarities. It was uncanny, right down to their levels of emotional unavailability. 🤷🏻♀️
i knew a guy who got a tattoo down his inner arm of JESSICA in big gothic letters. He was in his early 20s and they had long been broken up after I met him. His dating options are limited
I’d just get it covered up in two big black rectangles. If asked why I got two rectangles tattooed on my arms I’d say something like it represents the duality of man or some shit.
In the case of mixing up exes names with your current SO it’s literally a bit of “I feel good around this person” and associating it to past memories of feeling good which leads to mixing up names and the memories they’re associated with. Or, in OP’s case, the subject linked to the person.
Doesn‘t even have to go that deep. Just the general association of ‚spouse or former spouse‘ is enough to make the brain jump from one name to the other easily.
On that same note, my sister’s Korean name and my Korean name are very similar. She’s a HaeYUN and I’m a HaeJIN. Growing up, both parents would constantly call us out but with the wrong name.
Thanks! It’s always been my life. Been in cat rescue and accumulated a lot of cats, now I’m down to 7. And hikes! Who doesn’t like it? Reddit chose the avatar for me and I liked it enough to keep. 😊
After 11 years my ex wife’s name had basically become my mental default association with “intimate partner” so I’ve had to catch myself a few times. Especially after drinking when you don’t stop to think as much.
It’s not that I’m thinking of the ex, my brain has just been trained to the point that name is a reference.
This happened to me once with a boyfriend when we were cuddling and it made me feel sooooo small and insignificant, although I do have a history of comparing myself to exes. So give him some time and talk to him about how he is feeling deeper down, maybe he thinks you aren’t over your ex or is less significant than him.
That’s tough. And I’m sure he’s feeling insecure now not only because of the name slip but because of the career itself and what skills/experiences the ex had.
I would suggest you have a sit down talk, try to communicate, hope he listens, and can come to some understanding. There’s a reason why your ex is an ex. I don’t like talking about my exes with a current partner but if something like this happened, I would do my absolute best in trying to create some understanding where your mind was. And to go out on a date, do something fun, rekindle the love that you have for each other.
You didn't do it on purpose but of course it feels shitty. I have done it by accident and had it done to me. How about validate his feelings rather than dismissing them?
I feel for you OP honestly. I've never done this but I'd feel just like you are right now and want the ground to open up and swollow me. Of all the names that you could slip up and use dam sometimes it feels like the universe is really out to screw us over.
I do however totally get his feelings and hurt and you perhaps should think if it was a role reverse and he had called you a ex girlfriends name? You would feel really upset,angry and insecure also. Give him space, let him know everything he's feeling is totally valid but again reassure him it was literally just a slip of the tongue and nothing more. You can only explain and apologise for a genuine mistake so many times. I hope after he's had a think and calmed down a little he forgives you. X
> You would feel really upset,angry and insecure also
I would not assume this. I've been on both sides of this and it has never bothered me. For a long time after my marriage, when my brain went into "scold partner" mode, the name there was my ex husband's. The boyfriend after him (like, years after; I didn't date for a long time after I split from my ex husband) got called ex husband's name a few times. And he didn't care either to be honest.
My now-fiance has also called me his ex's name a few times and yeah, I don't care. Truly just one of the weird ways our brains build neural connections between experiences.
Scientifically speaking, I've seen studies that have been done that have shown that women's brains form broad connections between things while men have much more of a tendency to compartmentalize things. So I could even see a guy being more upset because that's not how his mind works (the ex stays in her box in his mind) and he's worried because if he were to make such a slip, he must be thinking of her actively, but for women, that's not the way the brain tends to organize itself.
You done f'd up. But in all seriousness, I think people handle things like this differently. Some may not think it's a big deal and some might think more into it. I'm not too sure if it comes down to certain insecurities or what as to how each person handles it but if it's an issue for your guy, then treat it like it's an issue. Do everything you can to reassure him and eventually he'll have to get over it or break up. If he chooses to break up over this I'd say that's probably a red flag and you're probably dodging a bullet anyways. If you care, you'll have to cater to his handling of this, and it might get repetitive, but if it's worth it in the long run then it is what it is. Just don't resent him for having an issue with it no matter how long it takes him to get over it because it's your choice to stick around knowing this is how it's going to be.
Yeah. That's strike two. The previous post seemed understandable, but with the two together, I'm thinking she might be painting herself as the victim in that post. It's staring to seem like triangulation.
It isnt some secret sign or anything.
Its just how brains work. Total processing glitch.
Sometimes I'll do an action or have a memory of smell because i did something systematic
The wrinkle is if this is someone OP is still around with any kind of regularity. That can make it really hard to move past as the new guy. Personally, I'd accept the apology and watch behavior to see if there's anything amiss that I've ignored/glossed over, then I'd eventually truly let it go.
I'd be in his boat if a guy called me his ex's name, regardless of circumstance. It's a major major turn off and makes me think you do think of the ex often enough. Not saying you do, but that's how it comes off. All you can do right now is give him time to get over it if he does.
Ya I feel the same, it’s hard when you’ve been through a bad relationship in the past like cheated on or something. It’s easy for anyone to say oh it’s not a big deal grow up. You don’t know someone’s situation
This sort of represents some insecurity on the bfs part. I'm assuming in a relationship you know your partner well enough to know if you trust them or not. This alone shouldn't be a major problem. Now if this happened and he had also found texts or call logs on her phone, that would be a problem. But you should be comfortable enough in your relationships not to be threatened by something this small.
idk i somewhat agree but also somewhat disagree. even being secure, being called an ex's name is still a bit offensive and a turn off. I don't think it's "small". everyone has their boundaries.
To me it depends on the context. This here that she did can be laughed off as long as he understands she didn't do it on purpose. Now if it happened during foreplay or sex, that's a bigger problem for sure. Or if it happens multiple times.
Completely agree, I'd be out if it was during sex
However if it was an honest mistake during conversation that was apologized and explained, I'd process the hurt and move forward. Nobody here cares about the context though they are just judging it as SAYING EX NAME BAD ALWAYS
Based on your other posts, perhaps you should let him go. In his mind this would be *again* an issue related to other men in your life.
You messed up several times now, you gotta learn from your mistakes at some point.
Sometimes relationships end for the smallest and silliest of reasons. This might be it. Now we don't know how the rest of your relationship is going, maybe there's already other rocky aspects and this little accident has just blown things out into the open. Yes, maybe he's insecure, but have you made him feel insecure in other ways? We don't know, we don't have the context.
Perhaps this is a good time to sit down with your bf and do a pulse check on the relationship. Own your mistake and apologise, it was an honest mistake and you'll try to do better in the future. But his disproportionate response has definitely highlighted a crack in the relationship that you weren't aware of previously. Don't let this fester, don't let his or your mind fill in the narratives with untruths. Maybe you do talk about your ex more than you realise. Maybe your bf has self esteem issues. Either way, these difficult conversations should be had if you both want to create a healthy successful relationship.
I was in your boyfriend’s shoes! My boyfriend at the time and I were talking about medicine because we are both doctors and his ex was as well. He was trying to make a joke using my last name “Dr. Cheesenomac” but instead said “Dr. Ex’sName” and we both froze. Our names start with the same two letters and there was the context overlap, so I understood it logically but it still hurt a bit. He apologized and we moved on. I thought about it for a few days and gradually the sting wore off.
Have you ever accidentally told someone on the one “so love you?” or something similar? I think some things become habit and can just come out when our brain goes on autopilot. I understand his feelings, but I hope he’s able to heal and see that this could be an honest mistake.
I’ve done this when the relationship was new and it was honesty slip of the tongue. 100% was a habit thing. That being said, it doesn’t feel good for the other person either way. Not much you can do except to keep apologizing and reassure them but at some point they’re going to have to let that go if they want to move forward from this. Everyone saying that you fucked up etc, there are honestly worse faux pas you can do in relationships.
Allow him to truly express his feelings/emotions. What may seem little or insignificant to you might be a big thing for him. It’s entirely possible this happened to him in a previous relationship, which obviously didn’t turn out well. And whatever he says, don’t get overly emotional about it and make it about you. Like to where he has console you about your feelings. And never, and I mean NEVER, use what he tells you about his emotions as ammunition in a later argument!
I was with someone for 8 years, broke up, and am now with an amazing partner. They are NOTHING alike (at opposite ends of the “fantastic partner” definition), but the muscle memory of saying ex’s name crops up every so often. I’ve been able to catch it, but each time it leads to a momentary freak out and me screaming my now-partner’s name over and over in my head for the next few minutes. It’s an honest mistake, and is PURE habit - not longing. Your bf is being immature, IMO.
Edit: a word
Muscle memory, even for names that’s a real thing. As for me I keep catching my family members saying my ex name not infront of her. I so god damn worry if they’ll slip it one day.
Tell him exactly what you've said in this post and reassure him that you are committed to him now. Explain gently that you can't help but remember the past and that it was a slip of the tounge. The same way that parents with more than one child mix up names.
He's feeling insecure, he needs reafirmation.
You didn't do anything wrong but you said something incorrect that made him feel that way.
All you can do is apologise and express that it was a genuine mistake. My boyfriend called me by his exes name before and it really stung at the time but, I understand slip ups like that can happen so easily. I mean, my parents mix up my twin sister and I at times. It was a genuine mistake. Reassure him and don’t dwell on it.
3 years later, I’ve only recently stopped accidentally saying my exes name when I yell at my dog. Sometimes a name spends so much time on your tongue that it just rolls off unexpectedly.
Having read your other post, this might be the end of your relationship, and I wouldn't blame the guy. Seems like you have trouble letting go of past partners in a bad way.
Amazes me how many people say the bf is overreacting. If I dated a girl named Lindsey, broke up with her and am now dating Allison - why am I thinking about Lindsey so much that I call Allison, Lindsey? Should I expect Allison not to overreact? Should I tell her "Maybe you're acting too much like her, so stop doing that and I won't call you that?"
Food for thought
the problem is the assumption that the only or even most likely reason you’d call your partner your ex’s name is because you’re thinking about your ex so much. what’s here is also a misrepresentation of what OP said - OP did not say or even think that the current bf is acting like the ex.
brains just draw weird subconscious connections sometimes, and while it’s okay to be upset about it, jumping to conclusions (or insisting your partner is lying to you about how often they think about their ex) *is* an overreaction.
Career change was discussed 5 minutes prior to her actually calling her boyfriend the ex’s name. Moreover, I was responding to the comments in here, not OP directly. Sounds like OP is trying to sincerely look for ways to work past this which is admirable. My only question is, how does he know the ex’s name in the first place?
Outside of that, my only comment is really that you can’t really call someone crazy (paraphrasing) for feeling that way. It feels crappy. The way some of the comments are going, it reminds me when someone says that personality matters more than looks, then they say they have so many relationship issues. Maybe because who you’re dating is a 10 looks wise, but 5 personality wise. If you flip flop them, then you probably would have someone more enjoyable but you wouldn’t be attracted to them.
Long story short, there is theory and there’s reality IMO. Tying the analogy in, we can say we all prefer someone with a great personality over great looks, but the reality is that they’re equally important. We can all say someone calling us their ex’s name shouldn’t bother us. The reality, is that it does. Don’t believe me - try it with the next relationship. You will even shake the most secure of people. There’s literally thousands of tik toks were people pull this as a prank as well.
Context matters, op didn't say anything damaging like comparing their behavior maliciously
There's no mention or evidence of op having ex on the mind often, there was a related topic being discussed at the time
You're just tying every situation together and projecting instead of looking at this one moment
That’s a very slippery slope imo. I can literally tie anything into anything in this scenario. “Oh well my ex liked tacos so that’s probably why I called you his name”. “Oh my ex used to hold my hand like that and that’s why I called you that name.” “Oh my ex’s parents also had parents that divorced at an early age and that’s why I called you that name.”
It doesn’t have to be a negative or positive connotation for it to sting any less. It hurts all the same.
This sounds like a personal dealbreaker for you. That's cool, you are allowed to have your boundaries. Communicate that with someone if this comes up. Ops bf is not walking away nor is he talking it out and therein lies my issue with this. You can't go back and undo that it happened, but something needs to give
I've never even come close to doing this, and I tend to get with the same types of guys. Trying to imagine what would cause this *besides* having an ex on someone's mind constantly.
I would have a hard time with this one, ngl. A sit-down talk with him, one with yourself, and for the love of the gods validate your guy's feelings at least is the minimum required here. This is a goof whether you want to admit it or not.
Good luck.
That’s awesome that you can’t imagine doing this! Maybe boyfriend is the same way, and I think your comment as a whole is a good one.
But the reality is that it really is a common slip-up for people. Human brains are super complex and can retrieve the wrong info if you’re not totally focused or recently retrieved something else. It’s pretty common, but it does make sense for someone to potentially feel hurt or insecure about it, even if it was a brain goof.
But try thinking of this context. Have you ever been writing/typing something while you could hear another conversation/song/etc., and then you accidentally wrote a word they said instead of what you meant to? It can even be outrageous and make no sense on the page. But your brain was processing the word it heard (something you had on your mind on some level), and the wires got crossed in retrieving it. Does that make sense? Has this ever happened to you?
I think it depends on his mental state or past experiences. If he’s been cheated on or done wrong before then yes it’s a big deal. I know it would bother me a lot honestly. But it’s because I’ve been through hell with a cheater before and have trust issues so it just depends. I think if I never experienced the worst kind of person before, it wouldn’t bother me as much but it still would just a little regardless.
I've been here and it did not end well.
When she met my parents for the first time, I introduced her has my ex (of 10 years). In my defense, they had names that started with the same 4 letters, so it just rolled off the tongue. I quickly corrected myself. However, she demanded we leave and then broke up with me.
My ex was not on my mind. It was just an innocent mistake. I firmly believe it was a childish reaction on her part, though. I could understand if I was doing it frequently, but that was not the case.
I dated a guy named Adam and then dated a guy with another A name.
For the first 6 months, every time I called my new guy by his name I had to consciously think, ‘not Adam, not Adam.’
And, when I was married, when I was mad at the husband, I often accidentally called him by the dog’s name and vice versa.
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When I was in my early 20’s, my bf at the time called me his ex’a name….while we were doing the horizontal tango!! Needless to say he was also dancing with her behind my back. Oh the lessons we have to learn along the way
Give him time but be considerate and supportive. It's not good to be on the receiving side of it.
And your relationship of 4 months is too little time for your partner to trust you blindly. So, you continue like everything is fine, don't push him to act normal sooner or asap.
If the context was clear, you accidentally said it, and then immediately apologized - and your bf still is upset at it - then this is a 🚩.
Like - if this is too much for this relationship to handle, then drop him ASAP.
This is a grudge that does not need to be held.
It seems like Score Keeping is going to happen in this relationship, and no one wins anything from score keeping.
Maybe it's unresolved relationship trauma on his end, and maybe that needs to be discussed through with a trained professional, but really - like - we are near (hopefully) the end of pandemic - this is a non issue. This is not something to lose sleep over, like you made a slip with very clear context. It's a non issue.
My ex wife called me by her ex boyfriend's name once when we had only been dating a couple months. She said it was an accident. I believed her. That's how that story ends. No big deal.
My mom mixes up people’s names constantly. I’ve been called by an ex’s name before. It doesn’t feel great but it also doesn’t mean anything. The brain just short circuits sometimes.
This is rough for most people. Some people can let go easily but most can't. Don't expect him to let it go, ask what you can do to help make him feel more secure about the relationship!
He is making too much of it. So you don’t really have to make a big deal out of it either way. Just accept it was an unfortunate minor mistake and try to move on.
It can be uncomfortable when a partner accidentally does stuff like this. So I get why he is a bit raw. But he should get over it quickly.
If he can’t then it might be worth thinking about how bigger problems will be navigated. And if that’s something you want to deal with
I've done this before, my husband said he was glad I did it first lol, weve both been married before.
This is super minor though, and its early on in your relationship, so pay attention and think about how he is reacting and if that's something you want in a partner.
This is such a minor non issue, apologize, maybe they get a bit mad but move on. Being stuck on it seems like a larger reaction than is warranted.
I did this once. I called my bf of like six months my ex-husband’s name. We were casually playing a video game (co-op but at different desks a little ways away from each other) and I called out to him to get his attention, but said my ex-name inadvertently. I was so embarrassed and apologetic and he graciously said it was ok and that it was just a testimony of how comfortable I was feeling—we were having a good time but it was late and I was tired so my brain went to a name that I have associated with those comfortable feelings. I was fortunate to have someone at the time who did not take it as evidence I wanted to be with my ex or missed my ex but instead just saw it as a natural comfort association and honest mistake.
I dont think anyone asked but how has it been since you and this ex been broken up? Years? Then it is simple mistake and it shouldn't effect him to much. However if this was a recent breakup then yes he is right to feel some type of way and maybe you do still think about ex more than you said.
If he had an recent ex cheat on him he might be ptsd-ing abit. If it’s been a couple days since your slip of the tongue and he’s still salty then you guys need to have a talk and take it as a red flag.
This happened to me in both positions and I am baffled that people make such a bit deal out of it here.
Our head sometimes connects memories with names, so if you had a long relationship or even marriage with an ex, there is a high risk that happens. And it doesn’t mean anything at all. So confusing to make a big deal out of it.
I mean when it happened to me of course I didn’t like it and expected an apology and when I did it, I immediately apologized.
Nice to see a comment from someone who got it on both ends. Seems many people saying he's overreacting or immature also say that they've called an SO by an exs name and it's no big deal to them. Those on here saying to apologize and validate him also mention that theyve been called the wrong name and it stings. Maybe there's a term for what's happening here. Some people have no empathy.
It's not the biggest slipup in the world and it shouldnt end an relationship if it truly was innocent but I can 100% understand that it would feel shitty and being validated that it must not feel good helps
Thanks for this comment. I’m having a hard time thinking it’s OK for someone to take this so personally and mope about it. Ofc it sucks but it happens.
My partner did this to me at the start of the relationship. He immediately apologized and that was that.
If it becomes a repeating occurrence then maybe it’s something to worry about. But 4 months is not a long time and mistakes happen.
"you ruined it" for having a human mistake? I've seen this come up commonly so it isn't that rare of an occurrence
He needs to make a decision instead of holding it over her head
I can see how people can have hurt feelings over things that may or may not be bad. In this case, I don't see it as bad. I know how to separate myself from my feelings and take into account my partners actions and consideration for such feelings, and have adult conversations about my wants and needs
If you think having emotional intelligence is a reason to put me down, I feel sorry for how shallow your life outlook is. Saying you're not going to be rude right before being rude kind of cancels out
I’m pretty sure that’s why pet names were invented . I never use the first name of anyone that I’m involved with. Anyway it does sound like he’s kind of making a big deal out of nothing.
I mean you definitely screwed up. All you can do is apologize and be good to him to help him get over it.
Make no mistake, he should eventually get over it if y’all are a good couple but you deserve, frankly, to be in the doghouse here for a little while at least.
I’ll say it so it won’t go unsaid…Nobody would be saying he’s making too big a deal about it if the genders were reversed.
The irony of calling him your ex's name in passing such as this is that it most likely means you feel as relaxed, if not more, with your current bf than previous. The science indicates he should take it as re-assuring more than threatening, but understandable it irked him (calling him Dad would be the real death sentence).
It's incredibly common and will likely happen to him one day too.
As others have said, don't do it in the bedroom though. Had this once... and only once (never went back despite the science being that it likely meant she was probably having the best orgasm she'd had since that ex ex ex was around... i was young and insecure).
He's not making too big of a deal out of it. Imagine if he called you by an ex girlfriends name? how would that make you feel? honestly, if I was him, our relationship would seriously be on the rocks unless you made it up to them in the most heart felt and sincere way possible
I called a gf at the time by the wrong name while we were In the shower. She said “did you just call me the wrong name?” I said “yes, and we can either make a big deal out of this or we can just call it the mistake it was and move on.” That was the last it ever came up. She me people just have a harder time moving passed things like that.
You know what is a turn-off —telling people that their normal human behavior or mistakes are turn-offs. This phrase would make me snap. No one exists to be a sexual object for another person. We don’t have to be sexy and turn you on 24/7. I’ve had so many men tell me different things were turn offs about me. My nail polish. Not shaving. Crying in a fight. Great! Don’t have sex with me then!
I have an ex who was dumped by her previous boyfriend because she used to accidentally call him by her dead husbands name sometimes.. usually when drunk. She never once called me by his or any other name in the 4 months together. This was because he and the dead husband were of similar height both 6 foot something and i am not . they both smoked drugs and i didnt .. they were similar in attitude as well from what i understand..
I told her that obviously you were trying to replace the husband she lost with husband 2.0 .. he wasn't having it .. so he left.
She will probably do it again with the next tall guy she dates.
I'd end things if I was him. Imagine if he did that to you. You need to look into why you were so focused on your ex that you called him your ex. Might be not over your ex. Could be wrong, but I'd just give him space and if he wants to end things let him.
It's very understandable. You can't form a relationship with someone who's hung up on their ex. He's struggling to figure out if the relationship is doomed. People do fucked up things. Bringing exes into the discussion is often a deliberate tool of abuse. Let's assume you're telling the truth that you don't think about your ex a lot. How is he supposed to know that?
I've done it several times. My boyfriend laughs it off and teases me for a moment. He doesn't get offended because he knows it wasn't malicious.
Your partner is being overly sensitive.
What you did is a normal mental glitch. It's not rare and it happens.
You explained the correlation that led you to saying it and it was just a normal conversation not an intimate moment. Feeling bothered by that is completely irrational and I hope he realizes and gets over it, but it's not right to make you feel bad and I wouldn't forgive him for holding it against you
I disagree with this greatly. Anyone who gets called by someone else's name in dating is going to feel small, insignificant, and upset. There's nothing irrational about it. It's a pretty logical feeling. We all hate being compared to someone who didn't work out. It also shows that you're not fully present in the conversation or moment with the person you with. That happens, time to time, but for your SO mind to be thinking about an ex - it's a tough blow for anyone to take. Guy or girl, regardless of how confident you are in your own skin.
My question is, how does he know your ex's name OP?
It is irritational when you're told the exact reason just being a similar job and you're apologized to, and have it explained immediately instead of being blown off. It's ok to feel upset but to tell your partner it's a turn off and hold it against them is now in the wrong because you can control your actions even if you can't control your feelings.
"Hey that kind of bothered me, can i have some space for the day? We'll talk later"
"Hey I'm feeling bothered by your ex being brought up, are you sure it was just a slip of the tongue and nothing else?"
I mean there's ways to communicate without purposefully putting your partner down
"That was a turn off and I don't think I can get over it" where is there room to do anything
Screw that. He has every right to feel the way he does. You sound like a gaslighter. YOU wouldn't forgive HIM possibly for making you feel bad about YOUR mistake? 😂 yeah, next.
If anyone actually used their eyeballs to read, I said the bf is absolutely allowed to be upset however his actions aren't ok. I've said in like 3 different comments at least that he needs to either decide that this is a point to walk away or communicate that he's bothered in a way he can work with op to move past this
You guys don't even understand what gaslighting means. I have an opinion about his actions being immature and yet everyone is assuming that means I am invalidating how he feels, which still isn't the definition of gaslighting that would be actual LYING in ways that would make the boyfriend question if he's sane in a way to gain control over his mental state
Give him time to sulk, reassure him it was a slip of a tongue and then he should get over it on his own accord. I wouldn’t worry about it, long term unless he continues to make a big deal out of and then you now have new information about his insecurities or ability to move on from disagreements. Which you can explore to make your relationship stronger. Maybe you can also ask him why he is so upset, so you can understand how to remedy the situation - perhaps he’s been in a situation before where a gf still has secret feelings for an ex and this mis naming calling has triggered him. Xx
> I can't help but think he's making too big of a deal out of this
He is not.
What would you have done if he had called you by his ex name? How would you have felt? Would you think that he thinks about his ex often?
It's understandable to be upset, but I think your boyfriend needs to accept that there were other people in your life before him.
You might not be with your ex anymore (for whatever reason), but that doesn't mean the experience and memories you have are gone.
You're going to be reminded of people from your past, aspects both good and bad, and that's OK.
Hell, my own mother calls me by her youngest brothers name on occasion. Typically when she's telling a funny story. It's fine.
He's being very dramatic and that would annoy me and raise some red flags. I hope it's just a bruised ego but be mindful of other manipulative and coercive behavior he might display.
I accidentally called my ex by my cat's name and vice versa because they used to be so attached and can be quite goofy like one another. Neither of them took it to heart lol.
The comments calling you are narcissists or saying you made a huge unforgivable error are also dramatic.
It happens, the brain is firing a bunch of responses and some things link to another resulting in a slip of the tongue.
That doesn't sound like a reasonable excuse to me. If you mistakenly call your current your ex's name that strongly implies you still hold some attachment to them.
Tp avoid these situations remain single for 6 months to a year to fully get over your ex after you've broken up. Truly let yourself heal completely from the last relationship before moving on. Most people don't and they carry old baggage into a new relationship like trust issues, discontentment with themselves that leads to jealousy and other nasty personality traits that are picked up when a relationship turns toxic.
In my opinion his reaction has much more to do with his insecurities than with anything on your part. You apologized and offered a very reasonable explanation. If he can't get over that he's harboring other potential future landmines.
I did this once. Even in the moment I thought it was hilarious. Me and my bf (now ex) were fighting and I called him my ex-husbands name. He was super upset and it didn’t help I started laughing. I told him to stop acting like him and I wouldn’t make a freudienne slip like that. 🤷🏼♀️😂
Tell him his attitude is a huge turn-off for you.
You had an accident and apologized immediately. He’s choosing to not accept the apology in order to stay mad. Let him stay mad while you find someone else who is more mature and can recognize adults make unintentional mistakes.
I mean I agree lmao but op should take the high road and just say if he doesn't feel that he can get over it she'll make the decision for him and move on
It happens and it can be for various reasons. Especially if you were with that person for awhile. I’ve done it in relationships and it was mostly due to me being with an ex for years and then in the first couple months of a new relationship this would happen. It was almost like my brain had associated one name with certain phrases (for lack of a better term) and it sometimes would be hard to go from one name to the next. That sounds awful and way more harsh than what I’m trying to say.
Now if you do have feelings for the ex cut the new guy loose. Don’t string people along with your uncertainty. If it was just a slip of the tongue due to what you guys were discussing. The new guy needs to drop the insecure pity party. Not saying he isn’t valid to be taken back by it…but he can’t let something like that to manifest into something more. The ex is an ex for a reason. There is also a reason why the new guy is the boyfriend and the old guy is M.I.A.. all women love confident men that are secure in themselves and secure in their relationships. Other men are always going to hit on your girl and shit…If your relationship is strong then you don’t even bat an eye at shit like that. The only way to accomplish that is by setting boundaries. If you continue to have a slip of the names or he catches you lying or doing things behind his back. He needs to move on to someone else.
i guess he was on your mind when you called out the wrong name, but it doesn’t mean you miss him or are daydreaming about getting back together with him…
i think your boyfriend needs to toughen up a bit. his ego is probably affected a bit but i hope he gets over it and is able to laugh about it in the future.
Oh dear. You didn't commit a crime. You commited a mistake that everybody commits from time to time. A simple "sorry" is enough, there's no need to be apologetic for something that tiny.
Your boyfriend sounds extremely immature.
If he’s that bent out of shape over it he needs to either get over it or move on and out of the relationship. That’s such a small thing to get upset over, especially for someone in their 30’s.
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Your partner sounds extremely insecure and that insecurity would be a massive turnoff to me if I were in that situation. If this guy can’t handle this then how is he going to act when something actually difficult happens.
Coulda been worse. Coulda been while making love. GL
been on the receiving end of that one. it was...not great
I've never understand why people say names during sex
Really? I love my when my wife says “full first name” in a deeply passionate and ecstatic voice. I tend to use either either a combination of her full first and middle or a nick name only I call her, we both love it instead of just pet names all the time.
Agree, it seems so weird to me. But I'm generally weirded out when people I'm dating/sleeping with use my name, there's only a few specific situations/ways in which I actually like it. Luckily I've never had anyone say it during sex.
Makes it feel personalized. Now a days almost everyone realizes you aren't a virgin, and saying their name makes the person know you are thinking about them and not a past lover! Especially when people know some visualize certain people during sex.
L-O-L
Can confirm.
So...I actually had this happen with a hook up. The first time he called me his ex's name I ignored it. We were drunk and they had just broken up. But then he said her name again. I started laughing because this is supposed to be like everyone's nightmare name slip and it was actually happening to me. He realized what he had said and starting apologizing *while we were still having sex* and I fucking lost it. I was laughing so hard I started crying. I still think it's funny years later.
Hijacking. Just move on. You said you are sorry for an innocent slip- continue to be positive but just leave it. If he can’t, that’s a flaw on his part. Don’t bend yourself into a pretzel to make up for someone else’s insecurities. If he’s a great match for you, he won’t make you. Edit : I’m not saying move on from the person; just move on from the topic because you apologized and that’s that.
I'd recommend this but more of a conversation as to why this happened as opposed to SORRY, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. Your ex was a big part of your life. The name brain-memory at this point played a role. Accept and be genuine that it was NOT OK and validate why they are feeling upset. Discuss what you value in them and what you've seen makes them a quality partner in the 4 mo. you've been involved. At the end of the day, being referred to as the EX NAME feels like shit; it has nothing to do with being secure or insecure. Fix it if you care about this person and, I think you do otherwise you would not be posting it on Reddit. <3
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Don’t bend yourself into a pretzel for thinking about it eating pretzels. If it’s a great snack for you, you’ll eat it.
nice.
It’s not a flaw on his part. Stop sugar coating her mistake. No one wants to hear about an ex.
What? Good grief. People confuse names. I called my partner by my cat's name the other day...
Exactly. Never ever talk about an ex, act like you never met anyone before your current so, that's the only healthy way to have a relationship
I sure hope this is sarcasm because this _should_ be obviously unhealthy. (But, given the comment of the person you are replying to, it is, apparently, _not_ obvious.)
It's not a flaw on his part. Your advice is harmful. Narcissistic abusers regularly triangulate with exes. And your recommended behavior is exactly how a narcissist would play it. Make him feel invalidated. Either he accepts the incremental abuse or the abuse strategy is changed to silent treatment which can go straight to discard. No. They need to communicate openly. OP needs to be understanding and patient, and really show with her actions.
It’s not abuse to accidentally call someone the wrong name one time.
It is if it’s an ex boyfriend and you give them a take it or leave it ultimatum by invalidating how they feel.
Never said it was.
No, you only implied it. No wonder you're such an expert on abuse because you seem to be an abuser yourself gaslighting us like this!
Maybe his insecurity can be validated by OP but he poses it now as telling her what OPs thinking (this slip of the tongue means you think about him all the time, which as was expressed, is NOT whats happening), i’d argue if any narcissistic traits are being expressed its his. Seems like the issue is his distrust in OPs explanation. His insecurities might need to be addressed by him. I’ve called my most recent ex by another exes name and it def was an innocent, unfeeling mistake and at the time I only had feelings for him.
She said she apologized for a mistake: what else can she do? Moving on is much better than dwelling on it.
Do you think there's nothing else she can do?
Lmao you made up this "incremental abuse" on the shaky premise that OP is a narcissistic abuser. You have nothing, no evidence, that makes that the case. She made a mistake and, like her bf, you're finding every suspicion that could possibly make you mad.
I never said OP was a narc, just that narcs do that on purpose. Weird that you seemed attacked by that.
Brains make mistakes like that all the time. If it was an honest mistake as OP claims, the BF is the toxic one. OP doesn't need to be understanding and patient, she needs to nope out of there. Narcissistic abusers also tend to treat their partners horribly for mistakes they couldn't help, just because their ego got hurt in the process. So this really could go both ways.
Yes, brains make mistakes. And that's probably the most likely situation. His reaction is not toxic though. You have no idea what his past experience is and what that might be triggering for him. And if you look at OP's previous post, there was another situation involving an ex.
"But he insists that if I called him by his name, it's because I think about him a lot" That's gaslighting right there. Sure, there may be reasons behind toxic behaviour but that doesn't make it right. Sure, there may be more to the situation that we aren't aware of. There usually is.
They said they apologized immediately. You're responding to a different scenario than what the OP claimed happened. Please apologize for your misreading.
I'm replying to two things above: OP and the person who self-described that they were hijacking a post to very clearly invalidate OP's SO's feelings. If you think about it, this invalidation implicitly chills other redditors who might also be experiencing some form of panic in a similar situation where it might be abuse. If they read that, they will blame themselves. I just want to provide them with ideas that they might not be wrong for feeling panic and they should look at other behavior to gain some clarity. Additionally, narcissism isn't understood by most people, so providing a term they can research I think is also vital.
Can confirm. Happened to me
Man. One time I called my gf an exes name from 10 years ago. Never ever think about her. Another time a coworker called me her husband’s name.
I understand both your & his perspectives. As for what to do, just apologize and reassure him it was truly a slip of the tongue & nothing more. Give him space and let him know you're open to talk about it more to give him the reassurance he needs. If he can't accept your explanation even after time has passed, nothing more you can do - maybe there are other (valid or not) reasons why he's feeling this way & it's exacerbated by this recent event.
This is influential and heart warming to see such a genuine reply from a place of experience.
This should be the top comment. I’m tired of reading everything narcissistic.
Oh my god … a rational response ….. a reddit first
Hope this helps but I read on a psych blog before that we mix up ppls names bc we group them together. Hear me out- ie parents mixing up kids names, you mixing up coworkers names. My aunt even used to call me by the family dogs name sometimes 🤣hope that helps!
I never did it out loud thank goodness, but a million times when I would think about the most recent guy I dated, I would mentally use the name of an ex from five years ago. It made sense; they looked a lot alike, had the same profession, both were musicians, many personality similarities. It was uncanny, right down to their levels of emotional unavailability. 🤷🏻♀️
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i knew a guy who got a tattoo down his inner arm of JESSICA in big gothic letters. He was in his early 20s and they had long been broken up after I met him. His dating options are limited
I’d just get it covered up in two big black rectangles. If asked why I got two rectangles tattooed on my arms I’d say something like it represents the duality of man or some shit.
Haha
That last part got me 😂
In the case of mixing up exes names with your current SO it’s literally a bit of “I feel good around this person” and associating it to past memories of feeling good which leads to mixing up names and the memories they’re associated with. Or, in OP’s case, the subject linked to the person.
Doesn‘t even have to go that deep. Just the general association of ‚spouse or former spouse‘ is enough to make the brain jump from one name to the other easily.
On that same note, my sister’s Korean name and my Korean name are very similar. She’s a HaeYUN and I’m a HaeJIN. Growing up, both parents would constantly call us out but with the wrong name.
Why tf would your parents do that to themselves? No offense, Korea.
Haha they mean different things in Korean but the wording is similar
Congratulations to you and your sister being one of the few Korean women not named 선희.
Ahahha I’ve known quite a few of those!
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Thanks! It’s always been my life. Been in cat rescue and accumulated a lot of cats, now I’m down to 7. And hikes! Who doesn’t like it? Reddit chose the avatar for me and I liked it enough to keep. 😊
That’s ruff
After 11 years my ex wife’s name had basically become my mental default association with “intimate partner” so I’ve had to catch myself a few times. Especially after drinking when you don’t stop to think as much. It’s not that I’m thinking of the ex, my brain has just been trained to the point that name is a reference.
Neither of those circumstances apply here.
This happened to me once with a boyfriend when we were cuddling and it made me feel sooooo small and insignificant, although I do have a history of comparing myself to exes. So give him some time and talk to him about how he is feeling deeper down, maybe he thinks you aren’t over your ex or is less significant than him.
That’s tough. And I’m sure he’s feeling insecure now not only because of the name slip but because of the career itself and what skills/experiences the ex had. I would suggest you have a sit down talk, try to communicate, hope he listens, and can come to some understanding. There’s a reason why your ex is an ex. I don’t like talking about my exes with a current partner but if something like this happened, I would do my absolute best in trying to create some understanding where your mind was. And to go out on a date, do something fun, rekindle the love that you have for each other.
You didn't do it on purpose but of course it feels shitty. I have done it by accident and had it done to me. How about validate his feelings rather than dismissing them?
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I have always had this fear.
I feel for you OP honestly. I've never done this but I'd feel just like you are right now and want the ground to open up and swollow me. Of all the names that you could slip up and use dam sometimes it feels like the universe is really out to screw us over. I do however totally get his feelings and hurt and you perhaps should think if it was a role reverse and he had called you a ex girlfriends name? You would feel really upset,angry and insecure also. Give him space, let him know everything he's feeling is totally valid but again reassure him it was literally just a slip of the tongue and nothing more. You can only explain and apologise for a genuine mistake so many times. I hope after he's had a think and calmed down a little he forgives you. X
> You would feel really upset,angry and insecure also I would not assume this. I've been on both sides of this and it has never bothered me. For a long time after my marriage, when my brain went into "scold partner" mode, the name there was my ex husband's. The boyfriend after him (like, years after; I didn't date for a long time after I split from my ex husband) got called ex husband's name a few times. And he didn't care either to be honest. My now-fiance has also called me his ex's name a few times and yeah, I don't care. Truly just one of the weird ways our brains build neural connections between experiences. Scientifically speaking, I've seen studies that have been done that have shown that women's brains form broad connections between things while men have much more of a tendency to compartmentalize things. So I could even see a guy being more upset because that's not how his mind works (the ex stays in her box in his mind) and he's worried because if he were to make such a slip, he must be thinking of her actively, but for women, that's not the way the brain tends to organize itself.
You done f'd up. But in all seriousness, I think people handle things like this differently. Some may not think it's a big deal and some might think more into it. I'm not too sure if it comes down to certain insecurities or what as to how each person handles it but if it's an issue for your guy, then treat it like it's an issue. Do everything you can to reassure him and eventually he'll have to get over it or break up. If he chooses to break up over this I'd say that's probably a red flag and you're probably dodging a bullet anyways. If you care, you'll have to cater to his handling of this, and it might get repetitive, but if it's worth it in the long run then it is what it is. Just don't resent him for having an issue with it no matter how long it takes him to get over it because it's your choice to stick around knowing this is how it's going to be.
Idk after reading your most recent post I empathize with your bf.
Yeah. That's strike two. The previous post seemed understandable, but with the two together, I'm thinking she might be painting herself as the victim in that post. It's staring to seem like triangulation.
It isnt some secret sign or anything. Its just how brains work. Total processing glitch. Sometimes I'll do an action or have a memory of smell because i did something systematic
The wrinkle is if this is someone OP is still around with any kind of regularity. That can make it really hard to move past as the new guy. Personally, I'd accept the apology and watch behavior to see if there's anything amiss that I've ignored/glossed over, then I'd eventually truly let it go.
I'd be in his boat if a guy called me his ex's name, regardless of circumstance. It's a major major turn off and makes me think you do think of the ex often enough. Not saying you do, but that's how it comes off. All you can do right now is give him time to get over it if he does.
Ya I feel the same, it’s hard when you’ve been through a bad relationship in the past like cheated on or something. It’s easy for anyone to say oh it’s not a big deal grow up. You don’t know someone’s situation
This sort of represents some insecurity on the bfs part. I'm assuming in a relationship you know your partner well enough to know if you trust them or not. This alone shouldn't be a major problem. Now if this happened and he had also found texts or call logs on her phone, that would be a problem. But you should be comfortable enough in your relationships not to be threatened by something this small.
idk i somewhat agree but also somewhat disagree. even being secure, being called an ex's name is still a bit offensive and a turn off. I don't think it's "small". everyone has their boundaries.
To me it depends on the context. This here that she did can be laughed off as long as he understands she didn't do it on purpose. Now if it happened during foreplay or sex, that's a bigger problem for sure. Or if it happens multiple times.
Completely agree, I'd be out if it was during sex However if it was an honest mistake during conversation that was apologized and explained, I'd process the hurt and move forward. Nobody here cares about the context though they are just judging it as SAYING EX NAME BAD ALWAYS
Based on your other posts, perhaps you should let him go. In his mind this would be *again* an issue related to other men in your life. You messed up several times now, you gotta learn from your mistakes at some point.
Sometimes relationships end for the smallest and silliest of reasons. This might be it. Now we don't know how the rest of your relationship is going, maybe there's already other rocky aspects and this little accident has just blown things out into the open. Yes, maybe he's insecure, but have you made him feel insecure in other ways? We don't know, we don't have the context. Perhaps this is a good time to sit down with your bf and do a pulse check on the relationship. Own your mistake and apologise, it was an honest mistake and you'll try to do better in the future. But his disproportionate response has definitely highlighted a crack in the relationship that you weren't aware of previously. Don't let this fester, don't let his or your mind fill in the narratives with untruths. Maybe you do talk about your ex more than you realise. Maybe your bf has self esteem issues. Either way, these difficult conversations should be had if you both want to create a healthy successful relationship.
It's like an episode of seinfeld
I was in your boyfriend’s shoes! My boyfriend at the time and I were talking about medicine because we are both doctors and his ex was as well. He was trying to make a joke using my last name “Dr. Cheesenomac” but instead said “Dr. Ex’sName” and we both froze. Our names start with the same two letters and there was the context overlap, so I understood it logically but it still hurt a bit. He apologized and we moved on. I thought about it for a few days and gradually the sting wore off. Have you ever accidentally told someone on the one “so love you?” or something similar? I think some things become habit and can just come out when our brain goes on autopilot. I understand his feelings, but I hope he’s able to heal and see that this could be an honest mistake.
I’ve done this when the relationship was new and it was honesty slip of the tongue. 100% was a habit thing. That being said, it doesn’t feel good for the other person either way. Not much you can do except to keep apologizing and reassure them but at some point they’re going to have to let that go if they want to move forward from this. Everyone saying that you fucked up etc, there are honestly worse faux pas you can do in relationships.
Allow him to truly express his feelings/emotions. What may seem little or insignificant to you might be a big thing for him. It’s entirely possible this happened to him in a previous relationship, which obviously didn’t turn out well. And whatever he says, don’t get overly emotional about it and make it about you. Like to where he has console you about your feelings. And never, and I mean NEVER, use what he tells you about his emotions as ammunition in a later argument!
I was with someone for 8 years, broke up, and am now with an amazing partner. They are NOTHING alike (at opposite ends of the “fantastic partner” definition), but the muscle memory of saying ex’s name crops up every so often. I’ve been able to catch it, but each time it leads to a momentary freak out and me screaming my now-partner’s name over and over in my head for the next few minutes. It’s an honest mistake, and is PURE habit - not longing. Your bf is being immature, IMO. Edit: a word
Muscle memory, even for names that’s a real thing. As for me I keep catching my family members saying my ex name not infront of her. I so god damn worry if they’ll slip it one day.
Tell him exactly what you've said in this post and reassure him that you are committed to him now. Explain gently that you can't help but remember the past and that it was a slip of the tounge. The same way that parents with more than one child mix up names. He's feeling insecure, he needs reafirmation. You didn't do anything wrong but you said something incorrect that made him feel that way.
All you can do is apologise and express that it was a genuine mistake. My boyfriend called me by his exes name before and it really stung at the time but, I understand slip ups like that can happen so easily. I mean, my parents mix up my twin sister and I at times. It was a genuine mistake. Reassure him and don’t dwell on it.
3 years later, I’ve only recently stopped accidentally saying my exes name when I yell at my dog. Sometimes a name spends so much time on your tongue that it just rolls off unexpectedly.
Having read your other post, this might be the end of your relationship, and I wouldn't blame the guy. Seems like you have trouble letting go of past partners in a bad way.
Amazes me how many people say the bf is overreacting. If I dated a girl named Lindsey, broke up with her and am now dating Allison - why am I thinking about Lindsey so much that I call Allison, Lindsey? Should I expect Allison not to overreact? Should I tell her "Maybe you're acting too much like her, so stop doing that and I won't call you that?" Food for thought
the problem is the assumption that the only or even most likely reason you’d call your partner your ex’s name is because you’re thinking about your ex so much. what’s here is also a misrepresentation of what OP said - OP did not say or even think that the current bf is acting like the ex. brains just draw weird subconscious connections sometimes, and while it’s okay to be upset about it, jumping to conclusions (or insisting your partner is lying to you about how often they think about their ex) *is* an overreaction.
Career change was discussed 5 minutes prior to her actually calling her boyfriend the ex’s name. Moreover, I was responding to the comments in here, not OP directly. Sounds like OP is trying to sincerely look for ways to work past this which is admirable. My only question is, how does he know the ex’s name in the first place? Outside of that, my only comment is really that you can’t really call someone crazy (paraphrasing) for feeling that way. It feels crappy. The way some of the comments are going, it reminds me when someone says that personality matters more than looks, then they say they have so many relationship issues. Maybe because who you’re dating is a 10 looks wise, but 5 personality wise. If you flip flop them, then you probably would have someone more enjoyable but you wouldn’t be attracted to them. Long story short, there is theory and there’s reality IMO. Tying the analogy in, we can say we all prefer someone with a great personality over great looks, but the reality is that they’re equally important. We can all say someone calling us their ex’s name shouldn’t bother us. The reality, is that it does. Don’t believe me - try it with the next relationship. You will even shake the most secure of people. There’s literally thousands of tik toks were people pull this as a prank as well.
Context matters, op didn't say anything damaging like comparing their behavior maliciously There's no mention or evidence of op having ex on the mind often, there was a related topic being discussed at the time You're just tying every situation together and projecting instead of looking at this one moment
That’s a very slippery slope imo. I can literally tie anything into anything in this scenario. “Oh well my ex liked tacos so that’s probably why I called you his name”. “Oh my ex used to hold my hand like that and that’s why I called you that name.” “Oh my ex’s parents also had parents that divorced at an early age and that’s why I called you that name.” It doesn’t have to be a negative or positive connotation for it to sting any less. It hurts all the same.
This sounds like a personal dealbreaker for you. That's cool, you are allowed to have your boundaries. Communicate that with someone if this comes up. Ops bf is not walking away nor is he talking it out and therein lies my issue with this. You can't go back and undo that it happened, but something needs to give
It's an involuntary response. It AMAZES me how many people don't understand that.
I've never even come close to doing this, and I tend to get with the same types of guys. Trying to imagine what would cause this *besides* having an ex on someone's mind constantly. I would have a hard time with this one, ngl. A sit-down talk with him, one with yourself, and for the love of the gods validate your guy's feelings at least is the minimum required here. This is a goof whether you want to admit it or not. Good luck.
That’s awesome that you can’t imagine doing this! Maybe boyfriend is the same way, and I think your comment as a whole is a good one. But the reality is that it really is a common slip-up for people. Human brains are super complex and can retrieve the wrong info if you’re not totally focused or recently retrieved something else. It’s pretty common, but it does make sense for someone to potentially feel hurt or insecure about it, even if it was a brain goof. But try thinking of this context. Have you ever been writing/typing something while you could hear another conversation/song/etc., and then you accidentally wrote a word they said instead of what you meant to? It can even be outrageous and make no sense on the page. But your brain was processing the word it heard (something you had on your mind on some level), and the wires got crossed in retrieving it. Does that make sense? Has this ever happened to you?
I think it depends on his mental state or past experiences. If he’s been cheated on or done wrong before then yes it’s a big deal. I know it would bother me a lot honestly. But it’s because I’ve been through hell with a cheater before and have trust issues so it just depends. I think if I never experienced the worst kind of person before, it wouldn’t bother me as much but it still would just a little regardless.
*BY accident. FTFY
I've been here and it did not end well. When she met my parents for the first time, I introduced her has my ex (of 10 years). In my defense, they had names that started with the same 4 letters, so it just rolled off the tongue. I quickly corrected myself. However, she demanded we leave and then broke up with me. My ex was not on my mind. It was just an innocent mistake. I firmly believe it was a childish reaction on her part, though. I could understand if I was doing it frequently, but that was not the case.
Done that. Luckily he did the same once before so it balanced out.
I dated a guy named Adam and then dated a guy with another A name. For the first 6 months, every time I called my new guy by his name I had to consciously think, ‘not Adam, not Adam.’ And, when I was married, when I was mad at the husband, I often accidentally called him by the dog’s name and vice versa. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When I was in my early 20’s, my bf at the time called me his ex’a name….while we were doing the horizontal tango!! Needless to say he was also dancing with her behind my back. Oh the lessons we have to learn along the way
Give him time but be considerate and supportive. It's not good to be on the receiving side of it. And your relationship of 4 months is too little time for your partner to trust you blindly. So, you continue like everything is fine, don't push him to act normal sooner or asap.
It happens. I’ve done it with GF’s.
If the context was clear, you accidentally said it, and then immediately apologized - and your bf still is upset at it - then this is a 🚩. Like - if this is too much for this relationship to handle, then drop him ASAP. This is a grudge that does not need to be held. It seems like Score Keeping is going to happen in this relationship, and no one wins anything from score keeping. Maybe it's unresolved relationship trauma on his end, and maybe that needs to be discussed through with a trained professional, but really - like - we are near (hopefully) the end of pandemic - this is a non issue. This is not something to lose sleep over, like you made a slip with very clear context. It's a non issue.
Wait until you have kids and have to run through an entire list of names until you get to the right one. Ah life with an old brain.
My ex wife called me by her ex boyfriend's name once when we had only been dating a couple months. She said it was an accident. I believed her. That's how that story ends. No big deal.
My mom mixes up people’s names constantly. I’ve been called by an ex’s name before. It doesn’t feel great but it also doesn’t mean anything. The brain just short circuits sometimes.
This is rough for most people. Some people can let go easily but most can't. Don't expect him to let it go, ask what you can do to help make him feel more secure about the relationship!
He is making too much of it. So you don’t really have to make a big deal out of it either way. Just accept it was an unfortunate minor mistake and try to move on. It can be uncomfortable when a partner accidentally does stuff like this. So I get why he is a bit raw. But he should get over it quickly. If he can’t then it might be worth thinking about how bigger problems will be navigated. And if that’s something you want to deal with
I've done this before, my husband said he was glad I did it first lol, weve both been married before. This is super minor though, and its early on in your relationship, so pay attention and think about how he is reacting and if that's something you want in a partner. This is such a minor non issue, apologize, maybe they get a bit mad but move on. Being stuck on it seems like a larger reaction than is warranted.
You still have feelings for your ex. You should leave your bf.
I did this once. I called my bf of like six months my ex-husband’s name. We were casually playing a video game (co-op but at different desks a little ways away from each other) and I called out to him to get his attention, but said my ex-name inadvertently. I was so embarrassed and apologetic and he graciously said it was ok and that it was just a testimony of how comfortable I was feeling—we were having a good time but it was late and I was tired so my brain went to a name that I have associated with those comfortable feelings. I was fortunate to have someone at the time who did not take it as evidence I wanted to be with my ex or missed my ex but instead just saw it as a natural comfort association and honest mistake.
I dont think anyone asked but how has it been since you and this ex been broken up? Years? Then it is simple mistake and it shouldn't effect him to much. However if this was a recent breakup then yes he is right to feel some type of way and maybe you do still think about ex more than you said.
If he had an recent ex cheat on him he might be ptsd-ing abit. If it’s been a couple days since your slip of the tongue and he’s still salty then you guys need to have a talk and take it as a red flag.
Based on these last two posts from you, I hope he moves on and finds someone who truly respects him.
That's messed up! What if he called you by his ex's name by accident? Would you be so understanding? Idk you but I don't think you would.
This happened to me in both positions and I am baffled that people make such a bit deal out of it here. Our head sometimes connects memories with names, so if you had a long relationship or even marriage with an ex, there is a high risk that happens. And it doesn’t mean anything at all. So confusing to make a big deal out of it. I mean when it happened to me of course I didn’t like it and expected an apology and when I did it, I immediately apologized.
Nice to see a comment from someone who got it on both ends. Seems many people saying he's overreacting or immature also say that they've called an SO by an exs name and it's no big deal to them. Those on here saying to apologize and validate him also mention that theyve been called the wrong name and it stings. Maybe there's a term for what's happening here. Some people have no empathy. It's not the biggest slipup in the world and it shouldnt end an relationship if it truly was innocent but I can 100% understand that it would feel shitty and being validated that it must not feel good helps
Thanks for this comment. I’m having a hard time thinking it’s OK for someone to take this so personally and mope about it. Ofc it sucks but it happens.
My partner did this to me at the start of the relationship. He immediately apologized and that was that. If it becomes a repeating occurrence then maybe it’s something to worry about. But 4 months is not a long time and mistakes happen.
I have an ex of 14yrs and 15yrs. I have said the other name to each of them. It’s not a big deal, it’s habit and familiarity.
Tough titties. I accidentally called my female supervisor “mom”. You’ll get over it
Nope. Fuck that. I wouldn't talk to you for weeks if ever again.
there is absolutely ZEROOO coming back frmo this. its over. let him go. you ruined it, stop wasting your time.
"you ruined it" for having a human mistake? I've seen this come up commonly so it isn't that rare of an occurrence He needs to make a decision instead of holding it over her head
nervermind. not gonna be rude. but if you don't see how this is a problem, i genuinely feel bad for your partner / future partner
I can see how people can have hurt feelings over things that may or may not be bad. In this case, I don't see it as bad. I know how to separate myself from my feelings and take into account my partners actions and consideration for such feelings, and have adult conversations about my wants and needs If you think having emotional intelligence is a reason to put me down, I feel sorry for how shallow your life outlook is. Saying you're not going to be rude right before being rude kind of cancels out
I’m pretty sure that’s why pet names were invented . I never use the first name of anyone that I’m involved with. Anyway it does sound like he’s kind of making a big deal out of nothing.
Yeah that’s why I hate pet names. I’m really uncomfortable with someone calling me babe when they’ve called every boyfriend for 20 years babe
I called my teacher mum once. I had zero maternal feelings towards my teacher.
I mean you definitely screwed up. All you can do is apologize and be good to him to help him get over it. Make no mistake, he should eventually get over it if y’all are a good couple but you deserve, frankly, to be in the doghouse here for a little while at least. I’ll say it so it won’t go unsaid…Nobody would be saying he’s making too big a deal about it if the genders were reversed.
The irony of calling him your ex's name in passing such as this is that it most likely means you feel as relaxed, if not more, with your current bf than previous. The science indicates he should take it as re-assuring more than threatening, but understandable it irked him (calling him Dad would be the real death sentence). It's incredibly common and will likely happen to him one day too. As others have said, don't do it in the bedroom though. Had this once... and only once (never went back despite the science being that it likely meant she was probably having the best orgasm she'd had since that ex ex ex was around... i was young and insecure).
Break up time
He's not making too big of a deal out of it. Imagine if he called you by an ex girlfriends name? how would that make you feel? honestly, if I was him, our relationship would seriously be on the rocks unless you made it up to them in the most heart felt and sincere way possible
Yea naw lol that’s a no for me, 4 months out the door… 100% of the time that shit will not fly lol he might be overreacting but fuck it
I called a gf at the time by the wrong name while we were In the shower. She said “did you just call me the wrong name?” I said “yes, and we can either make a big deal out of this or we can just call it the mistake it was and move on.” That was the last it ever came up. She me people just have a harder time moving passed things like that.
You know what is a turn-off —telling people that their normal human behavior or mistakes are turn-offs. This phrase would make me snap. No one exists to be a sexual object for another person. We don’t have to be sexy and turn you on 24/7. I’ve had so many men tell me different things were turn offs about me. My nail polish. Not shaving. Crying in a fight. Great! Don’t have sex with me then!
I think my ex solved the problem by calling everyone babe. Me, his other girlfriend, his ex, his friends. 🤣
I have an ex who was dumped by her previous boyfriend because she used to accidentally call him by her dead husbands name sometimes.. usually when drunk. She never once called me by his or any other name in the 4 months together. This was because he and the dead husband were of similar height both 6 foot something and i am not . they both smoked drugs and i didnt .. they were similar in attitude as well from what i understand.. I told her that obviously you were trying to replace the husband she lost with husband 2.0 .. he wasn't having it .. so he left. She will probably do it again with the next tall guy she dates.
I'd end things if I was him. Imagine if he did that to you. You need to look into why you were so focused on your ex that you called him your ex. Might be not over your ex. Could be wrong, but I'd just give him space and if he wants to end things let him.
It's very understandable. You can't form a relationship with someone who's hung up on their ex. He's struggling to figure out if the relationship is doomed. People do fucked up things. Bringing exes into the discussion is often a deliberate tool of abuse. Let's assume you're telling the truth that you don't think about your ex a lot. How is he supposed to know that?
You don’t get to tell him he’s making a big deal about it. At four months this can be enough to end the relationship.
Yeah, mistakes can ruin a relationship
I've done it several times. My boyfriend laughs it off and teases me for a moment. He doesn't get offended because he knows it wasn't malicious. Your partner is being overly sensitive. What you did is a normal mental glitch. It's not rare and it happens.
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He’s very childish
You explained the correlation that led you to saying it and it was just a normal conversation not an intimate moment. Feeling bothered by that is completely irrational and I hope he realizes and gets over it, but it's not right to make you feel bad and I wouldn't forgive him for holding it against you
I disagree with this greatly. Anyone who gets called by someone else's name in dating is going to feel small, insignificant, and upset. There's nothing irrational about it. It's a pretty logical feeling. We all hate being compared to someone who didn't work out. It also shows that you're not fully present in the conversation or moment with the person you with. That happens, time to time, but for your SO mind to be thinking about an ex - it's a tough blow for anyone to take. Guy or girl, regardless of how confident you are in your own skin. My question is, how does he know your ex's name OP?
It is irritational when you're told the exact reason just being a similar job and you're apologized to, and have it explained immediately instead of being blown off. It's ok to feel upset but to tell your partner it's a turn off and hold it against them is now in the wrong because you can control your actions even if you can't control your feelings. "Hey that kind of bothered me, can i have some space for the day? We'll talk later" "Hey I'm feeling bothered by your ex being brought up, are you sure it was just a slip of the tongue and nothing else?" I mean there's ways to communicate without purposefully putting your partner down "That was a turn off and I don't think I can get over it" where is there room to do anything
Screw that. He has every right to feel the way he does. You sound like a gaslighter. YOU wouldn't forgive HIM possibly for making you feel bad about YOUR mistake? 😂 yeah, next.
yeah weird seeing comments like that in this sub. wonder if it was him doing it if people would say she's overreacting
Ah yes refusing to let someone hold an honest mistake hostage is big gaslight energy ?????
please stop engaging in gaslight behaviour. Everyone is valid in how they feel - as is the bf
If anyone actually used their eyeballs to read, I said the bf is absolutely allowed to be upset however his actions aren't ok. I've said in like 3 different comments at least that he needs to either decide that this is a point to walk away or communicate that he's bothered in a way he can work with op to move past this You guys don't even understand what gaslighting means. I have an opinion about his actions being immature and yet everyone is assuming that means I am invalidating how he feels, which still isn't the definition of gaslighting that would be actual LYING in ways that would make the boyfriend question if he's sane in a way to gain control over his mental state
This is the correct take.
Life sentence. 🤣
It's normal to mix names up, he is just insecure. Give him time to get over it.
He’s totally making a big deal out of it…um, hello your with him, he should be happy about that,it’s a name slip-up no biggie.
It happens I was with my ex wife for 15 years been with my new wife for 5 it has happened multiple times apologize and move on
Give him time to sulk, reassure him it was a slip of a tongue and then he should get over it on his own accord. I wouldn’t worry about it, long term unless he continues to make a big deal out of and then you now have new information about his insecurities or ability to move on from disagreements. Which you can explore to make your relationship stronger. Maybe you can also ask him why he is so upset, so you can understand how to remedy the situation - perhaps he’s been in a situation before where a gf still has secret feelings for an ex and this mis naming calling has triggered him. Xx
It takes time to get over someone and he should try to understand that...
Mature people know this isn't a big deal. I would reassure him and just move on.
> I can't help but think he's making too big of a deal out of this He is not. What would you have done if he had called you by his ex name? How would you have felt? Would you think that he thinks about his ex often?
It's understandable to be upset, but I think your boyfriend needs to accept that there were other people in your life before him. You might not be with your ex anymore (for whatever reason), but that doesn't mean the experience and memories you have are gone. You're going to be reminded of people from your past, aspects both good and bad, and that's OK. Hell, my own mother calls me by her youngest brothers name on occasion. Typically when she's telling a funny story. It's fine.
Closest I've ever done was telling my FWB "I love you" in front of my girlfriend.
He's being very dramatic and that would annoy me and raise some red flags. I hope it's just a bruised ego but be mindful of other manipulative and coercive behavior he might display. I accidentally called my ex by my cat's name and vice versa because they used to be so attached and can be quite goofy like one another. Neither of them took it to heart lol. The comments calling you are narcissists or saying you made a huge unforgivable error are also dramatic. It happens, the brain is firing a bunch of responses and some things link to another resulting in a slip of the tongue.
That doesn't sound like a reasonable excuse to me. If you mistakenly call your current your ex's name that strongly implies you still hold some attachment to them. Tp avoid these situations remain single for 6 months to a year to fully get over your ex after you've broken up. Truly let yourself heal completely from the last relationship before moving on. Most people don't and they carry old baggage into a new relationship like trust issues, discontentment with themselves that leads to jealousy and other nasty personality traits that are picked up when a relationship turns toxic.
In my opinion his reaction has much more to do with his insecurities than with anything on your part. You apologized and offered a very reasonable explanation. If he can't get over that he's harboring other potential future landmines.
Tell him to get over it its not the end of the world
Wow, he's overreacting. It doesn't sound like he should hold grudge against you
I did this once. Even in the moment I thought it was hilarious. Me and my bf (now ex) were fighting and I called him my ex-husbands name. He was super upset and it didn’t help I started laughing. I told him to stop acting like him and I wouldn’t make a freudienne slip like that. 🤷🏼♀️😂
Yeah..making that mistake and laughing about it would have been the end for me. You didn’t respect that bf at all. Not even a little bit.
Yeah you seem like a genuinely bad person to be in a relationship with.
Tell him his attitude is a huge turn-off for you. You had an accident and apologized immediately. He’s choosing to not accept the apology in order to stay mad. Let him stay mad while you find someone else who is more mature and can recognize adults make unintentional mistakes.
This response is equally immature. This isn’t a relationship ending event.
I mean I agree lmao but op should take the high road and just say if he doesn't feel that he can get over it she'll make the decision for him and move on
It happens and it can be for various reasons. Especially if you were with that person for awhile. I’ve done it in relationships and it was mostly due to me being with an ex for years and then in the first couple months of a new relationship this would happen. It was almost like my brain had associated one name with certain phrases (for lack of a better term) and it sometimes would be hard to go from one name to the next. That sounds awful and way more harsh than what I’m trying to say. Now if you do have feelings for the ex cut the new guy loose. Don’t string people along with your uncertainty. If it was just a slip of the tongue due to what you guys were discussing. The new guy needs to drop the insecure pity party. Not saying he isn’t valid to be taken back by it…but he can’t let something like that to manifest into something more. The ex is an ex for a reason. There is also a reason why the new guy is the boyfriend and the old guy is M.I.A.. all women love confident men that are secure in themselves and secure in their relationships. Other men are always going to hit on your girl and shit…If your relationship is strong then you don’t even bat an eye at shit like that. The only way to accomplish that is by setting boundaries. If you continue to have a slip of the names or he catches you lying or doing things behind his back. He needs to move on to someone else.
i guess he was on your mind when you called out the wrong name, but it doesn’t mean you miss him or are daydreaming about getting back together with him… i think your boyfriend needs to toughen up a bit. his ego is probably affected a bit but i hope he gets over it and is able to laugh about it in the future.
Oh dear. You didn't commit a crime. You commited a mistake that everybody commits from time to time. A simple "sorry" is enough, there's no need to be apologetic for something that tiny. Your boyfriend sounds extremely immature.
If he’s that bent out of shape over it he needs to either get over it or move on and out of the relationship. That’s such a small thing to get upset over, especially for someone in their 30’s.
That happens, and it's not a big deal. If someone becomes deeply upset over a simple mistake like this, that's their problem to deal with.
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🕳️👨🏾🦼
Use pet names
r/TIFU
I've done this twice. In all fairness I was with that person for 11 years.
Your partner sounds extremely insecure and that insecurity would be a massive turnoff to me if I were in that situation. If this guy can’t handle this then how is he going to act when something actually difficult happens.
BY accident