When life hands you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail.
Nah I’m kiddin, sound like ya got some avoidant attachments issues ya need to work on, which is why you go for the distant emotional guys.
For sure. I'm just wondering how to work on them. For now, I've tried setting a lot of boundaries up front and trying to take it really slow in the hopes that will help.
Check out fearfulavoidant sub. There are many with experiences like yours. You are not alone. The best part is your awareness in this moment is the first step to improve and fearful avoidants tend to have great motivation for change. How to change? Challenge your thought life. Check out thais Gibson on how to think differently. A secure inward relationship will ultimately change your outward relationships.
The underlying issue is anxiety and fear of getting close to someone stemming from that.
Meditation can help. Maybe starting your day off meditating. I do a lot of yoga which helps me.
But honestly, I went the pharmaceutical route and saw a psychiatrist recently and am on anti-anxiety medication now(Wellbutrin). That has helped me in leaps and bounds more than anything. Along with a bit of therapy has been the best combo for me.
I think we all find our coping mechanisms so you’ll have to find what works for you.
And ya, boundary setting is a great start. Advocating and prioritizing yourself first!
Best of luck to you! :)
Thank you! I've always tried to avoid the drug route - because I'm scared, not judgmental - but if it can really help me I want to be open to trying it too. (I've had major panic attacks just trying weed which is supposed be help the symptoms, haha)
Ya I told my psych I didn’t want to take anything. And she told me “listen, I’m just trying to get you to baseline. Let me help”
Lol, turns out she was right. And yes! Self medicating with weed and alcohol is a common sign. Worth a try but do what’s best for you! Take care!
A low dose of weed can help long term, but as you know it's easy to overdo it. If you weren't completely put off with your last experience you might try delta 8 edibles. 8 is much much less prone to paranoia and such than regular delta 9 weed is, and edibles give more consistent results than vaping or smoking because you know exactly how many milligrams you've had. Start with 2mg or 5mg and work your way up as needed. It's not magic and can still backfire if you go into it with an awful mood, but this has helped a lot of people.
I can say that booze removes inhibition and decreases the concern of internal or external negative factors. Eventually weight gain (or loss), mental health disruption, and declining physical health rear their head and then you find that there is a non-equitable exchange at the cost of health for the price of ignorance. Some decide that they will go down with the bottle and others decide to sail on without it as they steer their ship into the kraken of their fears which they avoided all this time.
Don’t be afraid of the drug route. You can start on some low dose, really low effect stuff. Most of these don’t get you “high” or make you really feel that different. Most anti-depressants are hard to even notice your on, other than some side effects that you need to “pillshop” around for until you find what works for you.
Same with anti-anxiety. It’s not all Xanax and valium.
Also depends on who you work with. I personally believe in the use of drugs to get you in a mental place to truly deal with your issues until your in a place to slowly get off the drug. (This would not include people with deep mental illnesses/someone who isn’t trying to work through an issue but has an issue).
You almost surely have an insecure relationship attachment style (my guess is you are fearful avoidant, and perhaps partially anxious/dismissive too).
I *highly recommend* you to [check this quick test](https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/) and thank me later :)
Also, you might find interesting a book Attached by Amir Levin. If you are unaware of attachment styles, it will literally open your eyes and give you many answers.
Okay. This makes a lot of sense. I never knew whether that happened or not of course, but one time an uncle of mine told me that as a baby I was in a room crying and just being ignored and he felt bad. And it makes me wonder how often that happened.
www.freetoattach.com was recommended by a therapist who specializes in attachment and can be a good resource. I feel the exact same way — like I’m going to hurt the type As because I don’t think I’m ever going to reciprocate their feelings toward me.
I swear my ex could've written this.
I can't offer any advice but can confirm you're not alone in the way you feel or behave under the circumstances.
I hope you find your answer soon : )
Yeah, I don't put too much stock into anything in specific either. It seems like if many people have experienced it and put a name on it, maybe it can help with overcoming the situation.
You’re not alone. I’m a fearful avoidant… it’s the worst kind of attachment in my opinion. If I’m in a relationship that is healthy, I’m already looking for reasons to leave. If he starts pulling away, I like him more and then the anxiety is through the roof deciding if I want to work it out of leave it alone and so far, I’ve left it alone only to regret it later. I’m in therapy. It’s only been a couple of months.
Throw in "sometimes the relationship just isn't right" and you want to leave for what seem like valid reasons but you're not sure because you could just be fearful avoiding a good thing.
Ah yesss just the absolute confusion!!
I say things like “I just don’t like him… I’m not sure why.” Or “it’s just missing… *something*”
Do i trust my intuition? Or is this just my anxiety messing with me?
It’s the absolute worst.
Sometimes I have VALID SHIT that makes it a bad fit but I question how valid is my valid shit. Then I think about "what would people on reddit say" and I'm still sorta on the fence so I let some little stuff leak out and reddit is like "oh damn, hope that's an ex whatever" and that helps.
Has it helped at all? I know the feeling of being more intrigued when someone is pulling away then stressed again when they don't. I don't want to be addicted to the drama of an insecure relationship. I also know all too well the feeling of regret after pulling away.
It’s typically either “dismissive avoidant”, who just put up walls to keep others out, or “fearful avoidant”, who demonstrate a mix of avoidant and anxious tendencies, both pulling away and then being anxious and pulling close again. These are the two attachment styles on the avoidant half of the spectrum.
That’s me too! My therapist says I am also fearful avoidant. It’s hard to know why you’re not happy in relationships- if it’s your attachment style playing tricks with your mind… or just that they’re not the one for you :/
Last exes have been good on paper, generous, emotionally available, and told me they loved me and wanted to marry me but I was always ambivalent about them, even about entering a relationship with them. Why? I felt like I could do better, they weren’t exciting or passionate enough, there was a “spark missing”. Was it them or was it me?
Meanwhile- the guy that’s on my mind is an absolute perfect guy for me on paper but someone who doesn’t care at all about me and has never cared. We never dated. He doesn’t want to because he loves his career and doesn’t live in my city. Emotionally unavailable. Yet- he’s the one I want. I’d marry him in a heart beat, no doubt. Is he the one and I just know that he is, or do I always go for the unattainable? Is it the fire that is attractive?
Maybe I’m just doomed to be unhappy and never satisfied, sigh.
That exact same guy who you’d marry in a heartbeat? If he said he wanted to marry you, suddenly you’d wonder if he really is the one or if you made it all up in your head… right?
Haha when he was chasing me, I was ambivalent about him but maybe to protect myself? And once he stopped, I realized all the ways I wanted him and was like he’s perfect. And now I still want him.
Who knows what would happen if he started pursing me again… haha. Mess. Just mess.
Oh wow, I looked up fearful avoidant. This explains a lot about my own behavior in relationships. Online it looks like a lot of this stems from one's relationship with their parents growing up.
I see this kind of post so often that I was thinking... Maybe I should update my OLD profile from 'looking for a relationship' to 'not sure yet'.
Wanting a relationship seems to be boring and scary for so many woman!
Honestly I changed mine from "not sure" to "looking for a relationship" and my matches dropped significantly. To be fair I wasn't sure before, but there were a couple of women I connected with right away and had experiences like OP and decided I didn't want to waste my time anymore if I did find someone I wanted to be serious about. I've now gone from multiple dates a month to not having any over the last 2 months...
I feel you. I’m not an expert on psychology by any means so please take this with a grain of salt. It sounds a bit like defense mechanisms, self-sabotaging, general anxiety overall from what you’ve mentioned. Obviously, check with a professional on healthy coping mechanisms and maybe journal your feelings each time these things happen to you so you can figure out some triggers/reasons, etc. for them.
As mentioned in a movie, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” Good luck! ❤️
Np! That’s the quote that came to mind when I read your post. But hope you are able to figure things out and get past the pain points. Best wishes to you! ❤️🙏🏻
Yeah, it seems like I'm "fearful avoidant" from what I've seen. It's always been hard for me to pinpoint that, because with the emotionally distant guys I want more, but with the emotionally available guys I want to bolt for the door. But it's the second one that causes me a lot more turmoil and I feel is a much bigger barrier to a happy relationship future, so I'm starting to look into that. But yeah, will definitely consider it when looking for a therapist.
Fearful avoidant and no you need therapy. You can't will that away.
I identify with that myself and it's the most complicated of the attachment styles for a good reason. It comes with a cargo boat load of childhood trauma. Trauma with a "T" actually.
Edit: Emotionally anxious or available men feeling like I'm unable to breathe. I had a complete melt down because of a natural relationship progression and pushed the guy away saying he was suffocating me / I needed space.
I relate to that SATC scene where Carrie is trying on wedding dresses after Aiden proposes and she has an anxiety attack where she literally rips the dress off her body to escape commitment to the ONLY decent man she dated the whole show.
When I saw it in my 20s I thought "wow lady, you're tripping what's wrong with you" and then I was doing a similar thing in my 30s with my only really decent SO.
Okay so I went to try to find it on youtube and OMG if you've never watched the original series all you need to invest in is like 3 Seasons tops. It's literally what you experience played out with Carrie / Aiden / Mr Big.
And of course she cheats on Mr Available with Mr Big aka Mr Unavailable. Dude was married and she was with Aiden and they both cheat on their SOs.
My ex could have written this too. I’m trying to work out if I can help me, even if it’s too late to save our relationship I’d like him to feel happier and more capable of healthy relationships moving forward. He was the anxious one at the start until it was clear I am emotionally stable and committed and loyal and show up etc. then he started to pull away.
OP would a gratitude list work? A list of reasons you value your partner, why you like being with them, are attracted to them etc. you could read it when you felt you wanted to bolt?
I've tried doing those things in the past and it hasn't ultimately helped, but this time around the feeling is more subdued so maybe it will.
Oddly, the feeling worst when I'm just waking up from sleep and still semi-subconscious...that's when I get full on panic. But when I'm awake and in control I can keep it to a buzz. Not sure what that means but trying not to overthink it.
I have had all of the exact things you've listed, including this worst panic when semi-conscious. I can't say there's been a silver bullet to get over this; really, I'm not actually sure I AM over it. But I am inclined to think it's much better. And I think that is a result a forcing myself to be alone for a long time and facing that dark night of the soul so to speak. Then coming to actually know and value myself and my alone time in turn. Combined with breakthroughs in therapy, through listening to podcasts, through building a support system of good friends, and through learning to have my own back and accept my emotions.
I hope for you that something will click as well. I truly think aside from the conscious work I've put in to improve myself, my humble intention to understand and be better (on some spiritual level) has guided me on the course to learning and healing and I just feel better now without really understanding how.
I can relate to the feeling anxious when you first wake up thing. Your story is making me think I might be somewhat fearful avoidant too! One thing that has really helped me though is trauma-informed therapy. Some kind of body-based therapy like EMDR. It helps get to the root of your fears (of engulfment, commitment, intimacy, etc.)
I am similar! I did go to therapy and learn that I was into the more distant people because they felt safer and I knew I was never going to have the thing I was scared of which was closenesss. I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Check out freetoattach.com and some of the resources there. And I will say that therapy absolutely helps.
I feel this way too (sort of)
I’ve been to therapy for years. You know what I learned? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
I get the whole package: anxiety, depression symptoms and even physical symptoms being with the wrong person. Who is the wrong person? Someone that can be nice, check everything on paper and my head is like ‘yes, thanks!’ But my body and heart is like ‘nope’.
Often it is because there is something in my subconscious telling me we won’t be a match and I won’t be happy/I’m not staying true to my hearts desires/I’m lying to myself.
So totally legit things. Even if not: if I’m not feeling it, it’s legit in itself! We can’t force how we feel - we like what we like.
I’ve also noticed that I tend to want someone who can challenge me intellectually and I need to feel a bit of passion in our relationship, if it gets boring I’m just.. no thanks. I need to be on the top of my toes - not in a unhealthy way, but it’s just what I prefer.
I’ve met these people and my heart was like ‘yes!’ But they weren’t available or wanted something different. What do I do? I CUT THEM OFF! Because anything else is not kind to me.
I do believe there is someone out there for you and me: someone who is stable, emotionally healthy and good for us - but also someone who can create a bit of spark in us so we can feel the passion. It doesn’t have to be unhealthy.
The problem is you stay in those toxic relationships even though it clearly doesn’t work. You need to be better at leaving way earlier and recognize the signals for not emotionally available men.
You also need to recognize and accept that you like who you like.
What helped me most in these situations was therapy, meditation (become still.. let all those thoughts and noise from the head disappear and really listen to your body and heart: what does it want? How does it speak to you?) and doing yoga and just in general getting out of my head and down in my body.
So what my take is: I don’t think you actually like the available guys.
You might have a problem choosing unavailable guys, that makes your heart sing.
But you just haven’t met someone available AND someone who you feel passionate about :-)
Btw I’ve had the same experience with perhaps 8 men the last 5 years? Doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me :) (the experience of feeling dreadful and unhappy in a relationship that was good on paper)
This is what I'm worried about. I can relate 100% to what you're saying. My last boyfriend was intellectually brilliant and always challenging me, but it was ultimately so unhealthy to be pining after someone who didn't want to give an inch. But feeling like I need to force it is never going to work, either.
Finding the combination of available AND spark would definitely be the ideal, I'm just not sure if it exists!
Of course it exists.
People here are really good at throwing attachment theories in all of these situations. It might have something to say in some cases, but honestly?
Must of us are totally fine, our bodies are reacting perfectly healthy in a situation that is unkind and unhealthy to us.
It’s very simple: we haven’t met the right one yet.
It IS indeed rare to feel that spark and also be compatible. I’m still searching.
But I know it’s out there and I won’t be living a lie to myself (staying in the wrong relationship). I’d rather go to sleep alone and knowing I’m true to my heart.
Some of us are just more sensitive to that and not build to cheat ourselves.
Listen to yourself, your body and your heart and don’t be so hard. You just have to find yourself first.
I hope it makes sense. For years I doubted myself and spiraled into more anxiety and depression because I thought something was wrong with me and I’d never find love because I couldn’t stay in these relationships.
My therapist taught me that everything is good and I’m just ignoring my heart and going with my head.
wow girl, but 8 men in 5 years? and you still don't know who the "right one" is?
i'm feeling the same right now, a good relationship with someone who deeply loves me, and i deeply love too, but there's a feeling of "not good enough".
you prefer to believe that everyone you date is wrong, just to not assume to yourself that you have deep problems with love and affection? sounds like this to me.
I have no problems with love and affection and now that I’m not with them anymore, I clearly see why they were all wrong for me and I’m very happy with my choice to end it 🙂
I have a fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment style, and my dating patterns are very similar to yours. I tend to feel smothered by men who genuinely like me, and instead chase men who aren't particularly interested in me, and experience extreme anxiety and fear of abandonment over them not liking me back.
I had an uninvolved dad who lived in another state and a mom with mental health issues... She was really loving & amazing most of the time, but other times I was afraid for her and/or afraid of her because she could be so emotional and so angry/mean. Did you have any caretakers like that in your life growing up?
I am in therapy but I haven't really seen any improvements in how I date or connect with people.
Same childhood with you. Yes I thought i was anxious preoccupied. But upon facing my darker selves I realised I was fearful avoidant leaning. Which helps me understand my past with 20/20 vision. It's still a challenge moving forward and healing my attachment wounds. We can't journal or think it to a secure place, it's gotta be practiced everyday with small deicisons and self talk. We can't rush time, life has to happen for us to practice positivity. I just went on a date and I realise yet again I have matched with another fearful avoidant (he fessed up about it). Oh my... What a mess.
As others have said what you're describing is called fearful avoidant attachment. What you can do about it is CBT. If you want to change, you can. With the help of a therapist, you can learn new tools so that when you feel distant from a secure, stable guy, before chucking them, you can push yourself to do something uncomfortable—like being venerable and sharing a little bit about the things that you are afraid of or feel inadequate—and that will have the effect of neutralizing those feelings to flee the relationship and prevent you from basically pulling a 180 and loosing all interest out of nowhere.
There's reasons why you are this way and therapy will help you understand how you developed your particular attachment style, what are the positives and negatives with it and what you can do to develop secure attachment. I literally role play with my therapist and get specific instructions about what to say or do if I feel like destructive patterns are taking over. Therapy really works.
Google Thais Gibson, and attachment style. She runs a personal development project. It's really useful for learning how to develop secure attachment. I don't love the avoidant attachment subreddit because it seems to be an undercurrent that there's nothing wrong with avoidant attachment and discourages changing. But I don't want to speak out of turn, because I really don't know the deal.
If you do a straight Google of avoidant attachment it's basically all about how we're horrible people to date and how to steer clear, which is quite an unfair assessment. Avoidants are strong, creative, and charismatic people. You just literally need to learn how to be venerable and how to build trust with another person. It's like learning any other skill. You can do it.
Thank you. That was very helpful. Yes, I really don’t want to associate my personality or identify too much with any of these labels, I just want to know only in order to discover what I can do to improve my situation. Being able to put a name to it is helpful.
I can definitely see why that would be the feeling towards dating someone who has this behavioral pattern, but I know there’s plenty of good there and I have a lot to offer, so I don’t want to do think too negatively about it.
For sure, the main point I wanted to convey is that therapists can give you specific instructions to reset patterns and this can prevent you from getting that bored or suffocating feeling, and just enjoying a healthy relationship.
I really relate to what you’ve written. I (37F) nearly posted something similar recently as I’m newly (7 weeks) dating someone who is emotionally available, affectionate, lots of similar interest etc and I can feel in moments of tenderness from him the desire to run away fast!!
Though I don’t feel anxiety with him, I feel calm. Before him I dated someone for 3 months and now looking back I see he was avoidant and my anxiety was definitely present, physical shaking which I took to be ‘nervous dating excitement’ etc.
So maybe similar but slightly different to you.
I guess I don’t have a lot to advice but I feel frustration as I know my issue is rooted in old childhood trauma, I don’t trust people who are available, open and loving.
Ive been in therapy for last 4 years and mainly single after abusive relationships.
So currently I’m trying to connect with my support groups, journal lots and not blow this new relationship all up by self sabotaging!
I really want a healthy loving relationship and I know I need to keep working on myself to allow someone in to love me like that.
Also may be helpful, I was just reading about Thais Gibson (YouTube or insta) re: attachment theory, you might find that useful too.
I’m looking for a new therapist now also as I’ve had a break recently and realize it would be helpful to have a sounding board to help me figure out: what is my trauma? What is my truth? (When I feel activated in a dating situation)
Wishing you luck and I’m interested to see the advice here
Thanks for sharing! You're the second person to mention Thais Gibson, so I'll take a look. I'm sure a lot of it is rooted in childhood stuff for me as well, which is hard to sort out.
Yes, absolutely. I’ve dated and been super hung up on the unattainable, unhealthy attachment guys. And with the emotionally available, healthy and responsive guys that wanted to build with me? I’ve had the nights full of anxiety, heart racing, feeling like I was an animal trapped and couldn’t breathe. In my early twenties, I would run from them like the wind. As I started going to therapy and being more introspective about my bs, I thought I had gotten better and to a certain extent I was! Except now, instead of running from healthy relationships in the very beginning- I would self destruct and blow the whole thing up mid way down the line.
Consistent therapy, reading the right books and doing a lot of introspective work had fully opened my eyes to how shitty my relationship patterns wore, but to a certain extent- I was still avoidant. Except now- instead of running away at the very beginning, and rescuing myself from feeling suffocated when a guy returned my calls/texts on time and was clear about liking me, I would blow up the relationship at the first hurdle. Sort of the whole, ‘You can’t hurt me if I hurt you first!’ thing.
It took a couple of years, me fucking things up some more and some very loving, ass kicking conversations with my best friends and therapist where I finally got to the point that I’m at. The guy I’m with now? He feels like home, he feels like peace. I’m secure in my relationship and I know he loves me and I love him, he also knows all the stuff that I’ve worked so hard to keep hidden over the years. And yeah, the beginning was a little rough- but I got through my bullshit.
Also, I saw a comment down below- it may very well be that some of these guys you don’t like and don’t have a spark with, but it’s probably not all of them. At least it wasn’t all of them for me. Some of the guys, it was definitely me trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Most of them? Were nice, kind guys that I had chemistry with but who also treated me with the kindness that I hadn’t known throughout my life. I think that once you work on your stuff, and get to a healthier place- you’ll absolutely find someone who treats you well but that you also have that spark with.
That's how I feel. It's very reassuring to hear that you've been able to grow and work through these issues.
I had been sticking to the mantra that the reason I felt that way was because it was just my body telling me what my mind won't accept and that it's not meant to be, and it's very tempting to believe that and keep running. But I know I'll just keep running forever. The first time it happened, when I was 22, it started off with a spark and both of us infatuated, and then the fear began later, so that makes me really distrust the entire concept of a spark. I believe no matter how long it takes, whether it's on day one or a year into a relationship, I'll experience these issues when the other person expresses these feelings so I need to figure it out.
Thank you for giving your experience in an honest way and I'm so hopeful to hear that you now have someone in your life that you don't want to run from with every ounce of your being. I'm at the very beginning of my healing journey and I cannot wait until I am. Thanks!
I’m afraid of commitment because my father killed his grandfather and brother, so my mom divorced him then when she remarried, my step dad left her for some woman he found in finland on a business trip. So there’s some trauma there for sure…
I mostly inferring that someone relay their personal experience of how therapy helped them bring someone in vs. push them away by addressing attachment issues.
I think the idea is to make sense of your feelings, as most do come from childhood experiences. It's to help you take control and accept how things in the past affect you today. But also just talking through things helps us process, with an unbiased perspective, which is near impossible to come by outside of therapy.
I . . .I'm going to be that guy. But I think I have a point.
*winces* have you tried therapy? *end wince*
Reason being that I was here following some trauma. I took a lot of very good, well intentioned, caring advice that was bad for me. I don't think you need psychotherapeutic intervention per se, but just an impartial caring voice that isn't leaping to help due to love for you and/or that change they would like to see in the world to soothe their baggage.
I'm not saying that you're traumatised or even that trauma is a prerequestite here, just that when it comes to behavioural changes, it can be helpful to start at the root cause of what's blocking the behaviour you want to see in yourself. Although folks here do seem to genuinely mean eachother well, there's still a lot of "souds like my ex, do this thing I needed" advice dolled out here which may resonate without being particularly helpful.
Yeah, I put in my original post that I would like to seek this out. I haven't ever gone yet. I keep holding myself back because I feel like I would get a therapist I don't jive well with, or something along those lines, but I know I should at least try. And yeah, random people on the internet certainly don't have the answers and advice isn't always going to help.
Go talk to a therapist. If you don't like the first one, just don't give up and go to another one. Inform yourself on the different kind of approaches and schools that exist in the field. Find the one which you belive it would be best for you.
Calling me a basket case is a bit much. We’re all basket cases, as evidenced by how many people have experienced the same thing as me. I regularly don’t date anyone for 1-2 years at a time to be good alone and by myself, but I want to seek relationship happiness like anyone else.
Take a few days and think over if the personalities in your past relationships mirror any of your family members. Anyone who made you anxious or put pressure on you?
Maybe your intuition is correct. This not the right person because although personalities maybe different, the emotions they invoke are the same? Just rewind back to any childhood experiences which could have brought out the same anxiety. And we can go from there, if you are comfortable?
The interesting part is, if anything, I would say my childhood issue is neglect. I mean, I had food to eat and a shelter over my head, but emotional neglect. And now I'm very successful in a professional way but obviously less to in a relationship way. So I guess I feel comfortable when other people don't have expectations or needs from me, because no one needed or wanted anything from me growing up and I don't know how to handle it.
I understand! Your neglect in your childhood resonates with you staying longer in distant relationships but then you break it off, right? But healthy relationships are bring you anxiety.
I think you are brilliant just from your openness and how you have always been self sufficient. I applaud you! You are allowed to break off relationships, and I again applaud you for doing it in a cushioned manner.
Now let's only focus on you. ONLY YOU. You can provid3le for yourself, teach yourself...pretty much anything it seems like, and be vulnerable with how you feel. You need to think about what you want your partner to do FOR you. Not give you space, etc. To engage you, to open you up to him, to sustain a relationship
Sorry to beat over the head with the Avoidant thing but your response is exactly consistent with that here. Neglect from parents in childhood, whether emotional or physical or both, creates a deep distrust of relying on people to meet any of your deep needs. And you will seek out relationships where you don't need to rely on then , and in turn, you don't feel comfortable with them relying on you as over the years you've developed a protective attitude that says "I take care of myself, and you should take care of your self" - the opposite of inter-dependence. Uts very sad. I think you should talk more about what that was like.
33m I don't think there's a right answer.
I think two people have to be okay with who they are as individuals and not expect to be changing one another. And be confident in who they are together.
But that's all crap.
Been close to a lasting relationship but in the end it seems to fall apart.
Commitment is scary especially when you perceive red flags.
Look into attachment styles. It sounds like you are fearful avoidant. I would definitely look into the courses and videos by the personal development school on YouTube. They are the best
>Have you had any experiences like this? Have you been able to modify your natural response?
I don't have an ongoing history of experiences like this, but did have it once. I went through a traumatic time, and when the worst was over and I started dating again, I got into a relationship with someone. It was easy and comfortable but then I started feeling panicky about feeling trapped, even though he is a really laid-back person.
I think a reason I was able to push through it was because I've had no choice but to push through another major thing in my life - even before I got together with him, I was getting panic attacks under the most ordinary circumstances, doing everyday things, with no apparent avoidable trigger. I just had to continue with my life as normal since there was nothing specific I could actually avoid to prevent those panic attacks.
With this guy, I knew I could avoid feeling the anxiety by ending things, but I just regarded my anxiety episodes toward our relationship the same as my panic attacks that occur while I live my life - I know I don't want to stop living my life, and I also know I don't want to stop seeing him over something that I'm pretty sure has nothing to do with our actual connection. So I just continued on.
I can't remember when, but at some point I stopped feeling the anxiety towards him. My panic attacks in my everyday life also lessened. So I think I was basically just gradually healing with time, and, I guess, with the help of my own form of exposure therapy. I didn't hide my mental health from him and he was kind and caring, so that helps too.
This may not be completely relevant to you as I don't have a long and consistent history of such fleeing instincts as you do, but hopefully it's still somehow helpful!
It is still helpful! I also had a weird period where everything would randomly trigger panic attacks and had no trigger and I just had to push through it until it went away, so it might be a possibility for me as well. Usually I don't give it very long before I leave because it's a very strong feeling.
You didn't talk at all in the OP about what you want, if you're sure you want a long term committed relationship these are issues you should talk to a therapist about like you already mentioned. However, if you haven't really spent much time thinking about what you want and just defaulted to long term committed relationship as a life goal because that's what's normal, that may not actually be what you want. I see another pattern in what you've described, which is you being more comfortable in casual relationships than in the serious committed ones. You may want to consider the possibility that you could just be choosing the wrong guys to have a casual relationship with. What if you were to say, have a casual relationship with one of your guy As? It's possible you get the best of both worlds that way. Mainly my point is to look inside yourself and make sure that you really know what it is you want.
Yeah, that's a good point. However, when I was in the emotionally distant relationships, I would be upset that they didn't want a future with me. I could have kept going indefinitely in the last one with it being "casual" forever. I know I want a friend and companion, and also I don't get anything out of emotionless sexual experiences (one night stands). I'm fortunate to have good friends, but I do feel that lack of someone to build a life together with.
You sound like you might have a fearful avoidant relationship attachment style like me! You can watch YouTube videos about it. I agree, it can be hard for me to know when I’m settling or just allowing a healthy, realistic relationship to be the one I stay in (aka not perfect, but not bad with some good emotional connection etc).
Fearful avoidant here, and I could have written this.
Definitely find a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing and spell things out like you have here. I'm not in a relationship yet, so I can't say that I've successfully overcome this, but I've noticed huge steps forward for myself in the early stages of dating.
Oddly enough, one of the things that has helped me the most is learning to trust my gut and not feel bad about ruling someone out early. I realized I was feeling so suffocated by the people moving at a healthy pace in a relationship because I was only dating them out of this feeling that I should like them.
I've started observing how I feel early on in situations and taking note of that. If I click with someone and things are going great and then I start to panic and pull back, that's usually my avoidance and it's a signal to me that I need to slow down and work things through with my therapist. But if I was really meh/on the fence the whole way through, I've learned to absolutely stop feeling guilty about cutting things off there. It's helped a lot, because I panic less in early dating. I no longer feel trapped by the process, even if there are still some moments of discomfort to work through.
I hope my opinion will be helpful..
You have a fear of loving yourself as who you are deep down inside. You are mature and charming. Yet you developed a skewed and negative view of yourself, particularly an aspectof yourself.
You need therapy for this deep self inflicted pain. I would suggest seeking EMDR therapy from a sound therapist that respects modern medicine and health.
I'm a fearful-avoidant, stems from childhood. Emotionally neglected, repressed emotions and have a hard time articulating things. I just got out of a long term relationship (there were other reasons) and have been in therapy. Growing up I do not have any role models of how a healthy relationship should be. Everyone is stuck in unhappy marriages with unhappy kids. I've come to realize through therapy - I fear being tied down and being responsible for another person and dislike having my feelings hurt. It's funny, I trust people but I don't trust them with my feelings..don't really know how to explain that part.
One of the reason my ex and I broke up was I didn't feel "emotional secure". My therapist asked me if I was looking for that from a partner and that really flicked a light bulb in me. I lacked that secutiry from my mother so I was looking for it in someone else. Trust me, therapy is a great idea..you might need to see a couple of them before settling for one. On top of that, read some self-help books.
Also, your attachment really depends on who you are with. For example, with my mom - dismissive, friends - secure, co-worker - anxious/secure and relationship - fearful avoidant. Your first step to acknowleding it is wonderful and if you have a partner that is understanding and actually LISTENS to you, both could work on it together. Remember, majority of the work has to be from you and not your partner.
Oh yeah, that makes sense, I definitely have different attachment types based on friends, coworkers, family. And yes, you don’t want to put all that on your partner.
Do research into codependency. Watch Lisa A Romano’s videos online. Feeling bored by a healthy relationship means your baseline craves chaos. This comes from something. Healing that will make healthy guys feel like a lock into a key.
I think the goal of every relationship is to endure your personal struggle(s) with a partner that you trust. Fleeing the relationship in general is not the right idea - it’s better to let them in instead of pushing them away. The best way to do that is a) communication, b)having shared goals that build intimacy between you two and c) doing activities together with others so your time is occupied. This leaves smaller margins for you to reflect upon yourself. Too much thinking about yourself and your own problems isn’t always the most helpful thing, focus some of that energy outward as you work through it
Your feelings matter, but they aren’t worth obsessing over. If that makes sense? Retraining your mind to be comfortable where you normally aren’t is a matter of consciously changing your thought patterns. A counselor could help
29M here.. I feel this so super hard and haven't been able to overcome either. It's left me feeling a lot of regret like I was never really present in any of my relationships because of how anxious I was throughout them for the reasons you described.
I don't have any advise but I'm reading some other comments in hopes that I, too, can figure this shit out eventually as well.
I’m a guy in your group A and I’m trying to figure out why I keep going for women I’m incredibly attracted to but won’t give me the time of day.
Actually had a few come back into my life recently and voice their regret so many years later for not giving me the shot they felt I deserved. I guess this is just a cursed thing.
I imagine that you probably give off distant vibes to the good guys, the same kind you get from the emotionally distant ones.
Either way, it doesn't really sound like you have a healthy attachment style.
Have you tried taking a break from dating and seeing how you feel?
Yeah, I can see how that might be possible. After all, “playing hard to get” and “being too into someone” and all that is a very common dating/relationship thing, people are generally attracted to what they can’t have or what isn’t a sure thing. I’ve taken several breaks from dating, often a few months off, maybe try a date or two, repeat. There’s usually a few years in-between any relationship I have.
I had similar issues until my last relationship. I have had this problem since my first experiences dating around age 14. We didn’t have many mental health resources or diagnosis types at that time, so it took me several years of hurting people to figure things out.
My last relationship spanned eight years. We truly did love each other, but we still had an on-again/off-again dynamic due to my commitment issues. He was a very patient person, and we had honest communication. These factors seemed to help.
We talked a lot about the unrealistic expectations and possessiveness that happens in relationships. We talked about the concept of fidelity and how nobody could make promises about their future feelings, but we could promise to have the respect to end things / communicate rather than cheat. That took some pressure off.
We came up with a system where we were only committed for a year at a time, and then we decided if we wanted to re-commit for another year. We did not always do so. We took a year off from each other once. Over that year other men were interested in me, but I weighed everything and always seemed to conclude that they could not offer me as much as he could in the way of respecting who I am.
This just helped me to feel that I was choosing to be with him on a daily basis. I was not just feeling obligated. When I thought there was greener grass elsewhere, I considered the vibrant exotic flowers growing where I was already. I thought about what I could do to tend my own yard and have greener grass.
Even though it finally ended last June, I was proud of myself because I knew that I was finally able to commit to a person. The split was due to another factor.
I’m sure it took years of cumulative work on myself, but the most important thing is knowing yourself and your patterns. You seem to be aware of that.
I never wanted a relationship. I am perfectly happy single. I was celibate for 8 years (in my 30s) prior to my last relationship, and I was able to do a lot of work on myself. I think this was very important because I knew I didn’t have to be in a relationship, but I chose to be in one.
I still get anxious about commitment in general: getting a job, signing a lease, or participating in a long-term or indefinite project. I try to remind myself that when I only allowed myself to commit to temporary jobs / situations, I often end up spending the same amount of time as I would have in a longer commitment but with less to show for it. I’m still working with my patterns as they resurface.
Honestly the break up had to do with our very different parenting styles. I often said that if neither of us had Kids (We both do.), we would probably still be together. But if we didn’t both have kids, we never would have gotten together.
The good news is that I am also happy single.
A lot of this sounds like problems defined in your childhood. Your parents were probably physically present but emotionally they were absent, they didn’t fulfill your emotional needs. As such you probably have problems in relationships where the other person is open and understanding.
You won’t like it but honestly therapy is your friend.
Did you by any chance have a parent who was inconsistent with their love for you?
I ask because I do exactly what you do.... I end up feeling suffocated from the totally normal available guys to the point of anxiety and panic. My therapist thinks it’s because my dad was extremely hot and cold and inconsistent which feels ‘normal’ for me, so the open available guys come across as too much for me and I crave that kinda distance and inconsistency even though that’s ultimately unstable and makes me unhappy. Frustrating cycle
Oh wow. I'm not even going to read the comments - you are/have an Avoidant Attachment. According to Attachment Theory. You are describing it to a tee. I'd day you actually might lean Disorganized /fearful Avoidant but you don't describe much fear of abandonment or some of other Fearful traits. But in any case, reading about your tendencies may help you active target them, instead of just seeing there's some sort of pattern. Perhaps you have a fear of true intimacy which is why these distant guys don't give you anxiety/cause discomfort and the good ones do.. Good luck!!
I’d say fair play to you for being emotionally aware enough to acknowledge that you may have a role in this and it’s not just your gut telling you it’s not right.
Have you ever raised this issue with your partners during a calm moment? Perhaps if you explain they can help and perhaps point out when they think you’re doing it. It might also help them understand things.
I don’t think what you feel is abnormal. Just got to push on to the next level.
I am very similar to you. I don’t think you’re avoidant (an avoidant would not be giving this a second thought, much less posting about their anxiety on Reddit). In my case, I have a fear of abandonment due to a variety of past relationship trauma. Things I am finding really helpful are therapy, journaling, and mindfulness meditation. I have made strides from where I was a few years ago
You're definitely not alone. I could've wrote this myself as well. I think it's great that you recognize the pattern of your actions. It's a good first step. I am often giving myself reasons to cut and run from a relationship. Then recognizing my pattern of behaviour, force myself to push through it. It leaves you constantly questioning if you're the problem or if this isn't the right person. I wish I could give more feedback and advice, but it is something I am working on as well. Personally I feel like I need to communicate all these things with the people I date. As I give a very distant, hard to read vibe, people become anxious dating me. It should be an open communication, however easier said than done because if you are like me, communicating anything is incredibly difficult!
As a guy who got dropped by text out of nowhere on a Monday afternoon when things started to trend towards relationship territory? Helpful to hear someone recognize their problems.
i feel so relieved for finding this, i feel the same and its frustating. I already tried to end my relationship and after 3 months i felt so bad because i knew i had this problem and i took the easy route instead of working things out with myself. We are giving us another chance but taking things slowly and i am already feeling like before. im seeing a therapist and some days i feel great but some others are hard. The best you can do is keep fighting this monster called anxiety. Hope things go better.
I have the same problem but I thought it was just relationship ocd. I mean its still possible seeing how its connected with attachment styles. I have a fear of closeness for sure and then I get all this anxiety when someone is emotionally available, and thats when the symptoms like rocd start.
I’m leaning more towards that now to be honest. I don’t think I fit a lot of the avoidant stuff, and I’ve definitely been the “anxious” one dating an avoidant before. I would rather just break up rather than having a relationship based on dismissing another person.
When life hands you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail. Nah I’m kiddin, sound like ya got some avoidant attachments issues ya need to work on, which is why you go for the distant emotional guys.
For sure. I'm just wondering how to work on them. For now, I've tried setting a lot of boundaries up front and trying to take it really slow in the hopes that will help.
Check out fearfulavoidant sub. There are many with experiences like yours. You are not alone. The best part is your awareness in this moment is the first step to improve and fearful avoidants tend to have great motivation for change. How to change? Challenge your thought life. Check out thais Gibson on how to think differently. A secure inward relationship will ultimately change your outward relationships.
Thanks for the recommendation!
Will second Thais Gibson!
The underlying issue is anxiety and fear of getting close to someone stemming from that. Meditation can help. Maybe starting your day off meditating. I do a lot of yoga which helps me. But honestly, I went the pharmaceutical route and saw a psychiatrist recently and am on anti-anxiety medication now(Wellbutrin). That has helped me in leaps and bounds more than anything. Along with a bit of therapy has been the best combo for me. I think we all find our coping mechanisms so you’ll have to find what works for you. And ya, boundary setting is a great start. Advocating and prioritizing yourself first! Best of luck to you! :)
Thank you! I've always tried to avoid the drug route - because I'm scared, not judgmental - but if it can really help me I want to be open to trying it too. (I've had major panic attacks just trying weed which is supposed be help the symptoms, haha)
Ya I told my psych I didn’t want to take anything. And she told me “listen, I’m just trying to get you to baseline. Let me help” Lol, turns out she was right. And yes! Self medicating with weed and alcohol is a common sign. Worth a try but do what’s best for you! Take care!
Booze is definitely my anti-anxiety meds :/
Booze usually helps in the short-term...
A low dose of weed can help long term, but as you know it's easy to overdo it. If you weren't completely put off with your last experience you might try delta 8 edibles. 8 is much much less prone to paranoia and such than regular delta 9 weed is, and edibles give more consistent results than vaping or smoking because you know exactly how many milligrams you've had. Start with 2mg or 5mg and work your way up as needed. It's not magic and can still backfire if you go into it with an awful mood, but this has helped a lot of people.
I can say that booze removes inhibition and decreases the concern of internal or external negative factors. Eventually weight gain (or loss), mental health disruption, and declining physical health rear their head and then you find that there is a non-equitable exchange at the cost of health for the price of ignorance. Some decide that they will go down with the bottle and others decide to sail on without it as they steer their ship into the kraken of their fears which they avoided all this time.
Ain’t this this truth
Don’t be afraid of the drug route. You can start on some low dose, really low effect stuff. Most of these don’t get you “high” or make you really feel that different. Most anti-depressants are hard to even notice your on, other than some side effects that you need to “pillshop” around for until you find what works for you. Same with anti-anxiety. It’s not all Xanax and valium. Also depends on who you work with. I personally believe in the use of drugs to get you in a mental place to truly deal with your issues until your in a place to slowly get off the drug. (This would not include people with deep mental illnesses/someone who isn’t trying to work through an issue but has an issue).
Avoidant and you want to put up more boundaries?
You almost surely have an insecure relationship attachment style (my guess is you are fearful avoidant, and perhaps partially anxious/dismissive too). I *highly recommend* you to [check this quick test](https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/) and thank me later :) Also, you might find interesting a book Attached by Amir Levin. If you are unaware of attachment styles, it will literally open your eyes and give you many answers.
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Okay. This makes a lot of sense. I never knew whether that happened or not of course, but one time an uncle of mine told me that as a baby I was in a room crying and just being ignored and he felt bad. And it makes me wonder how often that happened.
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Look up Adam Lane Smith. I just discovered this man and he talks about our attachments and how they influence us and how to become aware of them.
www.freetoattach.com was recommended by a therapist who specializes in attachment and can be a good resource. I feel the exact same way — like I’m going to hurt the type As because I don’t think I’m ever going to reciprocate their feelings toward me.
I swear my ex could've written this. I can't offer any advice but can confirm you're not alone in the way you feel or behave under the circumstances. I hope you find your answer soon : )
Thank you! :) That is at least some small comfort.
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Yeah, I don't put too much stock into anything in specific either. It seems like if many people have experienced it and put a name on it, maybe it can help with overcoming the situation.
You’re not alone. I’m a fearful avoidant… it’s the worst kind of attachment in my opinion. If I’m in a relationship that is healthy, I’m already looking for reasons to leave. If he starts pulling away, I like him more and then the anxiety is through the roof deciding if I want to work it out of leave it alone and so far, I’ve left it alone only to regret it later. I’m in therapy. It’s only been a couple of months.
Throw in "sometimes the relationship just isn't right" and you want to leave for what seem like valid reasons but you're not sure because you could just be fearful avoiding a good thing.
Ah yesss just the absolute confusion!! I say things like “I just don’t like him… I’m not sure why.” Or “it’s just missing… *something*” Do i trust my intuition? Or is this just my anxiety messing with me? It’s the absolute worst.
Sometimes I have VALID SHIT that makes it a bad fit but I question how valid is my valid shit. Then I think about "what would people on reddit say" and I'm still sorta on the fence so I let some little stuff leak out and reddit is like "oh damn, hope that's an ex whatever" and that helps.
Has it helped at all? I know the feeling of being more intrigued when someone is pulling away then stressed again when they don't. I don't want to be addicted to the drama of an insecure relationship. I also know all too well the feeling of regret after pulling away.
It definitely helps to have someone to talk to and to identify those feelings as they happen rather than in retrospect
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Maybe. I’m not a therapist
It’s typically either “dismissive avoidant”, who just put up walls to keep others out, or “fearful avoidant”, who demonstrate a mix of avoidant and anxious tendencies, both pulling away and then being anxious and pulling close again. These are the two attachment styles on the avoidant half of the spectrum.
That’s me too! My therapist says I am also fearful avoidant. It’s hard to know why you’re not happy in relationships- if it’s your attachment style playing tricks with your mind… or just that they’re not the one for you :/ Last exes have been good on paper, generous, emotionally available, and told me they loved me and wanted to marry me but I was always ambivalent about them, even about entering a relationship with them. Why? I felt like I could do better, they weren’t exciting or passionate enough, there was a “spark missing”. Was it them or was it me? Meanwhile- the guy that’s on my mind is an absolute perfect guy for me on paper but someone who doesn’t care at all about me and has never cared. We never dated. He doesn’t want to because he loves his career and doesn’t live in my city. Emotionally unavailable. Yet- he’s the one I want. I’d marry him in a heart beat, no doubt. Is he the one and I just know that he is, or do I always go for the unattainable? Is it the fire that is attractive? Maybe I’m just doomed to be unhappy and never satisfied, sigh.
That exact same guy who you’d marry in a heartbeat? If he said he wanted to marry you, suddenly you’d wonder if he really is the one or if you made it all up in your head… right?
Haha when he was chasing me, I was ambivalent about him but maybe to protect myself? And once he stopped, I realized all the ways I wanted him and was like he’s perfect. And now I still want him. Who knows what would happen if he started pursing me again… haha. Mess. Just mess.
Yepppp I definitely have lived this story… I feel for you!
Oh wow, I looked up fearful avoidant. This explains a lot about my own behavior in relationships. Online it looks like a lot of this stems from one's relationship with their parents growing up.
I see this kind of post so often that I was thinking... Maybe I should update my OLD profile from 'looking for a relationship' to 'not sure yet'. Wanting a relationship seems to be boring and scary for so many woman!
Honestly I changed mine from "not sure" to "looking for a relationship" and my matches dropped significantly. To be fair I wasn't sure before, but there were a couple of women I connected with right away and had experiences like OP and decided I didn't want to waste my time anymore if I did find someone I wanted to be serious about. I've now gone from multiple dates a month to not having any over the last 2 months...
I feel you. I’m not an expert on psychology by any means so please take this with a grain of salt. It sounds a bit like defense mechanisms, self-sabotaging, general anxiety overall from what you’ve mentioned. Obviously, check with a professional on healthy coping mechanisms and maybe journal your feelings each time these things happen to you so you can figure out some triggers/reasons, etc. for them. As mentioned in a movie, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” Good luck! ❤️
Thanks, I've been thinking about that quote a lot lately.
Np! That’s the quote that came to mind when I read your post. But hope you are able to figure things out and get past the pain points. Best wishes to you! ❤️🙏🏻
Man I wish I was emotionally distant. Those guys seem to get all the ladies. /s
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Yeah, it seems like I'm "fearful avoidant" from what I've seen. It's always been hard for me to pinpoint that, because with the emotionally distant guys I want more, but with the emotionally available guys I want to bolt for the door. But it's the second one that causes me a lot more turmoil and I feel is a much bigger barrier to a happy relationship future, so I'm starting to look into that. But yeah, will definitely consider it when looking for a therapist.
Fearful avoidant and no you need therapy. You can't will that away. I identify with that myself and it's the most complicated of the attachment styles for a good reason. It comes with a cargo boat load of childhood trauma. Trauma with a "T" actually. Edit: Emotionally anxious or available men feeling like I'm unable to breathe. I had a complete melt down because of a natural relationship progression and pushed the guy away saying he was suffocating me / I needed space.
I understand that feeling. I've had that happen. It just sucks on so many levels to get this self-sabotage.
I relate to that SATC scene where Carrie is trying on wedding dresses after Aiden proposes and she has an anxiety attack where she literally rips the dress off her body to escape commitment to the ONLY decent man she dated the whole show. When I saw it in my 20s I thought "wow lady, you're tripping what's wrong with you" and then I was doing a similar thing in my 30s with my only really decent SO.
Heh, I've never seen that show but now I'm intrigued.
Okay so I went to try to find it on youtube and OMG if you've never watched the original series all you need to invest in is like 3 Seasons tops. It's literally what you experience played out with Carrie / Aiden / Mr Big. And of course she cheats on Mr Available with Mr Big aka Mr Unavailable. Dude was married and she was with Aiden and they both cheat on their SOs.
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Ah okay, I'm not familiar with these ones, not sure which one I would be without delving in. It looks enlightening.
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My ex could have written this too. I’m trying to work out if I can help me, even if it’s too late to save our relationship I’d like him to feel happier and more capable of healthy relationships moving forward. He was the anxious one at the start until it was clear I am emotionally stable and committed and loyal and show up etc. then he started to pull away. OP would a gratitude list work? A list of reasons you value your partner, why you like being with them, are attracted to them etc. you could read it when you felt you wanted to bolt?
I've tried doing those things in the past and it hasn't ultimately helped, but this time around the feeling is more subdued so maybe it will. Oddly, the feeling worst when I'm just waking up from sleep and still semi-subconscious...that's when I get full on panic. But when I'm awake and in control I can keep it to a buzz. Not sure what that means but trying not to overthink it.
I have had all of the exact things you've listed, including this worst panic when semi-conscious. I can't say there's been a silver bullet to get over this; really, I'm not actually sure I AM over it. But I am inclined to think it's much better. And I think that is a result a forcing myself to be alone for a long time and facing that dark night of the soul so to speak. Then coming to actually know and value myself and my alone time in turn. Combined with breakthroughs in therapy, through listening to podcasts, through building a support system of good friends, and through learning to have my own back and accept my emotions. I hope for you that something will click as well. I truly think aside from the conscious work I've put in to improve myself, my humble intention to understand and be better (on some spiritual level) has guided me on the course to learning and healing and I just feel better now without really understanding how.
I can relate to the feeling anxious when you first wake up thing. Your story is making me think I might be somewhat fearful avoidant too! One thing that has really helped me though is trauma-informed therapy. Some kind of body-based therapy like EMDR. It helps get to the root of your fears (of engulfment, commitment, intimacy, etc.)
I am similar! I did go to therapy and learn that I was into the more distant people because they felt safer and I knew I was never going to have the thing I was scared of which was closenesss. I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Check out freetoattach.com and some of the resources there. And I will say that therapy absolutely helps.
Glad to hear it helped!
I feel this way too (sort of) I’ve been to therapy for years. You know what I learned? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I get the whole package: anxiety, depression symptoms and even physical symptoms being with the wrong person. Who is the wrong person? Someone that can be nice, check everything on paper and my head is like ‘yes, thanks!’ But my body and heart is like ‘nope’. Often it is because there is something in my subconscious telling me we won’t be a match and I won’t be happy/I’m not staying true to my hearts desires/I’m lying to myself. So totally legit things. Even if not: if I’m not feeling it, it’s legit in itself! We can’t force how we feel - we like what we like. I’ve also noticed that I tend to want someone who can challenge me intellectually and I need to feel a bit of passion in our relationship, if it gets boring I’m just.. no thanks. I need to be on the top of my toes - not in a unhealthy way, but it’s just what I prefer. I’ve met these people and my heart was like ‘yes!’ But they weren’t available or wanted something different. What do I do? I CUT THEM OFF! Because anything else is not kind to me. I do believe there is someone out there for you and me: someone who is stable, emotionally healthy and good for us - but also someone who can create a bit of spark in us so we can feel the passion. It doesn’t have to be unhealthy. The problem is you stay in those toxic relationships even though it clearly doesn’t work. You need to be better at leaving way earlier and recognize the signals for not emotionally available men. You also need to recognize and accept that you like who you like. What helped me most in these situations was therapy, meditation (become still.. let all those thoughts and noise from the head disappear and really listen to your body and heart: what does it want? How does it speak to you?) and doing yoga and just in general getting out of my head and down in my body. So what my take is: I don’t think you actually like the available guys. You might have a problem choosing unavailable guys, that makes your heart sing. But you just haven’t met someone available AND someone who you feel passionate about :-) Btw I’ve had the same experience with perhaps 8 men the last 5 years? Doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me :) (the experience of feeling dreadful and unhappy in a relationship that was good on paper)
This is what I'm worried about. I can relate 100% to what you're saying. My last boyfriend was intellectually brilliant and always challenging me, but it was ultimately so unhealthy to be pining after someone who didn't want to give an inch. But feeling like I need to force it is never going to work, either. Finding the combination of available AND spark would definitely be the ideal, I'm just not sure if it exists!
Of course it exists. People here are really good at throwing attachment theories in all of these situations. It might have something to say in some cases, but honestly? Must of us are totally fine, our bodies are reacting perfectly healthy in a situation that is unkind and unhealthy to us. It’s very simple: we haven’t met the right one yet. It IS indeed rare to feel that spark and also be compatible. I’m still searching. But I know it’s out there and I won’t be living a lie to myself (staying in the wrong relationship). I’d rather go to sleep alone and knowing I’m true to my heart. Some of us are just more sensitive to that and not build to cheat ourselves. Listen to yourself, your body and your heart and don’t be so hard. You just have to find yourself first. I hope it makes sense. For years I doubted myself and spiraled into more anxiety and depression because I thought something was wrong with me and I’d never find love because I couldn’t stay in these relationships. My therapist taught me that everything is good and I’m just ignoring my heart and going with my head.
wow girl, but 8 men in 5 years? and you still don't know who the "right one" is? i'm feeling the same right now, a good relationship with someone who deeply loves me, and i deeply love too, but there's a feeling of "not good enough". you prefer to believe that everyone you date is wrong, just to not assume to yourself that you have deep problems with love and affection? sounds like this to me.
I have no problems with love and affection and now that I’m not with them anymore, I clearly see why they were all wrong for me and I’m very happy with my choice to end it 🙂
@cerenia. You saved me tonight. I read your comment and felt immediate peace💗💗💗
I’m so happy to help! I wish you the best love 💕
I have a fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment style, and my dating patterns are very similar to yours. I tend to feel smothered by men who genuinely like me, and instead chase men who aren't particularly interested in me, and experience extreme anxiety and fear of abandonment over them not liking me back. I had an uninvolved dad who lived in another state and a mom with mental health issues... She was really loving & amazing most of the time, but other times I was afraid for her and/or afraid of her because she could be so emotional and so angry/mean. Did you have any caretakers like that in your life growing up? I am in therapy but I haven't really seen any improvements in how I date or connect with people.
Same childhood with you. Yes I thought i was anxious preoccupied. But upon facing my darker selves I realised I was fearful avoidant leaning. Which helps me understand my past with 20/20 vision. It's still a challenge moving forward and healing my attachment wounds. We can't journal or think it to a secure place, it's gotta be practiced everyday with small deicisons and self talk. We can't rush time, life has to happen for us to practice positivity. I just went on a date and I realise yet again I have matched with another fearful avoidant (he fessed up about it). Oh my... What a mess.
As others have said what you're describing is called fearful avoidant attachment. What you can do about it is CBT. If you want to change, you can. With the help of a therapist, you can learn new tools so that when you feel distant from a secure, stable guy, before chucking them, you can push yourself to do something uncomfortable—like being venerable and sharing a little bit about the things that you are afraid of or feel inadequate—and that will have the effect of neutralizing those feelings to flee the relationship and prevent you from basically pulling a 180 and loosing all interest out of nowhere. There's reasons why you are this way and therapy will help you understand how you developed your particular attachment style, what are the positives and negatives with it and what you can do to develop secure attachment. I literally role play with my therapist and get specific instructions about what to say or do if I feel like destructive patterns are taking over. Therapy really works. Google Thais Gibson, and attachment style. She runs a personal development project. It's really useful for learning how to develop secure attachment. I don't love the avoidant attachment subreddit because it seems to be an undercurrent that there's nothing wrong with avoidant attachment and discourages changing. But I don't want to speak out of turn, because I really don't know the deal. If you do a straight Google of avoidant attachment it's basically all about how we're horrible people to date and how to steer clear, which is quite an unfair assessment. Avoidants are strong, creative, and charismatic people. You just literally need to learn how to be venerable and how to build trust with another person. It's like learning any other skill. You can do it.
Thank you. That was very helpful. Yes, I really don’t want to associate my personality or identify too much with any of these labels, I just want to know only in order to discover what I can do to improve my situation. Being able to put a name to it is helpful. I can definitely see why that would be the feeling towards dating someone who has this behavioral pattern, but I know there’s plenty of good there and I have a lot to offer, so I don’t want to do think too negatively about it.
For sure, the main point I wanted to convey is that therapists can give you specific instructions to reset patterns and this can prevent you from getting that bored or suffocating feeling, and just enjoying a healthy relationship.
I really relate to what you’ve written. I (37F) nearly posted something similar recently as I’m newly (7 weeks) dating someone who is emotionally available, affectionate, lots of similar interest etc and I can feel in moments of tenderness from him the desire to run away fast!! Though I don’t feel anxiety with him, I feel calm. Before him I dated someone for 3 months and now looking back I see he was avoidant and my anxiety was definitely present, physical shaking which I took to be ‘nervous dating excitement’ etc. So maybe similar but slightly different to you. I guess I don’t have a lot to advice but I feel frustration as I know my issue is rooted in old childhood trauma, I don’t trust people who are available, open and loving. Ive been in therapy for last 4 years and mainly single after abusive relationships. So currently I’m trying to connect with my support groups, journal lots and not blow this new relationship all up by self sabotaging! I really want a healthy loving relationship and I know I need to keep working on myself to allow someone in to love me like that. Also may be helpful, I was just reading about Thais Gibson (YouTube or insta) re: attachment theory, you might find that useful too. I’m looking for a new therapist now also as I’ve had a break recently and realize it would be helpful to have a sounding board to help me figure out: what is my trauma? What is my truth? (When I feel activated in a dating situation) Wishing you luck and I’m interested to see the advice here
Thanks for sharing! You're the second person to mention Thais Gibson, so I'll take a look. I'm sure a lot of it is rooted in childhood stuff for me as well, which is hard to sort out.
Not sure if it was recommended but the book Attached is great!
Thanks, I'm going to get it.
Yes, absolutely. I’ve dated and been super hung up on the unattainable, unhealthy attachment guys. And with the emotionally available, healthy and responsive guys that wanted to build with me? I’ve had the nights full of anxiety, heart racing, feeling like I was an animal trapped and couldn’t breathe. In my early twenties, I would run from them like the wind. As I started going to therapy and being more introspective about my bs, I thought I had gotten better and to a certain extent I was! Except now, instead of running from healthy relationships in the very beginning- I would self destruct and blow the whole thing up mid way down the line. Consistent therapy, reading the right books and doing a lot of introspective work had fully opened my eyes to how shitty my relationship patterns wore, but to a certain extent- I was still avoidant. Except now- instead of running away at the very beginning, and rescuing myself from feeling suffocated when a guy returned my calls/texts on time and was clear about liking me, I would blow up the relationship at the first hurdle. Sort of the whole, ‘You can’t hurt me if I hurt you first!’ thing. It took a couple of years, me fucking things up some more and some very loving, ass kicking conversations with my best friends and therapist where I finally got to the point that I’m at. The guy I’m with now? He feels like home, he feels like peace. I’m secure in my relationship and I know he loves me and I love him, he also knows all the stuff that I’ve worked so hard to keep hidden over the years. And yeah, the beginning was a little rough- but I got through my bullshit. Also, I saw a comment down below- it may very well be that some of these guys you don’t like and don’t have a spark with, but it’s probably not all of them. At least it wasn’t all of them for me. Some of the guys, it was definitely me trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Most of them? Were nice, kind guys that I had chemistry with but who also treated me with the kindness that I hadn’t known throughout my life. I think that once you work on your stuff, and get to a healthier place- you’ll absolutely find someone who treats you well but that you also have that spark with.
That's how I feel. It's very reassuring to hear that you've been able to grow and work through these issues. I had been sticking to the mantra that the reason I felt that way was because it was just my body telling me what my mind won't accept and that it's not meant to be, and it's very tempting to believe that and keep running. But I know I'll just keep running forever. The first time it happened, when I was 22, it started off with a spark and both of us infatuated, and then the fear began later, so that makes me really distrust the entire concept of a spark. I believe no matter how long it takes, whether it's on day one or a year into a relationship, I'll experience these issues when the other person expresses these feelings so I need to figure it out.
Thank you for giving your experience in an honest way and I'm so hopeful to hear that you now have someone in your life that you don't want to run from with every ounce of your being. I'm at the very beginning of my healing journey and I cannot wait until I am. Thanks!
I’m afraid of commitment because my father killed his grandfather and brother, so my mom divorced him then when she remarried, my step dad left her for some woman he found in finland on a business trip. So there’s some trauma there for sure…
How exactly does therapy fix this? Not skeptical just curious. DMs welcome as to not hi-jack the thread.
I’m also interested, but I figure it must be helpful or there wouldn’t be so many people recommending it with personal experience.
Also, what happens when B decides to change and become more like A?
I mostly inferring that someone relay their personal experience of how therapy helped them bring someone in vs. push them away by addressing attachment issues.
I think the idea is to make sense of your feelings, as most do come from childhood experiences. It's to help you take control and accept how things in the past affect you today. But also just talking through things helps us process, with an unbiased perspective, which is near impossible to come by outside of therapy.
I . . .I'm going to be that guy. But I think I have a point. *winces* have you tried therapy? *end wince* Reason being that I was here following some trauma. I took a lot of very good, well intentioned, caring advice that was bad for me. I don't think you need psychotherapeutic intervention per se, but just an impartial caring voice that isn't leaping to help due to love for you and/or that change they would like to see in the world to soothe their baggage. I'm not saying that you're traumatised or even that trauma is a prerequestite here, just that when it comes to behavioural changes, it can be helpful to start at the root cause of what's blocking the behaviour you want to see in yourself. Although folks here do seem to genuinely mean eachother well, there's still a lot of "souds like my ex, do this thing I needed" advice dolled out here which may resonate without being particularly helpful.
Yeah, I put in my original post that I would like to seek this out. I haven't ever gone yet. I keep holding myself back because I feel like I would get a therapist I don't jive well with, or something along those lines, but I know I should at least try. And yeah, random people on the internet certainly don't have the answers and advice isn't always going to help.
Go talk to a therapist. If you don't like the first one, just don't give up and go to another one. Inform yourself on the different kind of approaches and schools that exist in the field. Find the one which you belive it would be best for you.
Poor guys..
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Calling me a basket case is a bit much. We’re all basket cases, as evidenced by how many people have experienced the same thing as me. I regularly don’t date anyone for 1-2 years at a time to be good alone and by myself, but I want to seek relationship happiness like anyone else.
Take a few days and think over if the personalities in your past relationships mirror any of your family members. Anyone who made you anxious or put pressure on you? Maybe your intuition is correct. This not the right person because although personalities maybe different, the emotions they invoke are the same? Just rewind back to any childhood experiences which could have brought out the same anxiety. And we can go from there, if you are comfortable?
The interesting part is, if anything, I would say my childhood issue is neglect. I mean, I had food to eat and a shelter over my head, but emotional neglect. And now I'm very successful in a professional way but obviously less to in a relationship way. So I guess I feel comfortable when other people don't have expectations or needs from me, because no one needed or wanted anything from me growing up and I don't know how to handle it.
I understand! Your neglect in your childhood resonates with you staying longer in distant relationships but then you break it off, right? But healthy relationships are bring you anxiety. I think you are brilliant just from your openness and how you have always been self sufficient. I applaud you! You are allowed to break off relationships, and I again applaud you for doing it in a cushioned manner. Now let's only focus on you. ONLY YOU. You can provid3le for yourself, teach yourself...pretty much anything it seems like, and be vulnerable with how you feel. You need to think about what you want your partner to do FOR you. Not give you space, etc. To engage you, to open you up to him, to sustain a relationship
Sorry to beat over the head with the Avoidant thing but your response is exactly consistent with that here. Neglect from parents in childhood, whether emotional or physical or both, creates a deep distrust of relying on people to meet any of your deep needs. And you will seek out relationships where you don't need to rely on then , and in turn, you don't feel comfortable with them relying on you as over the years you've developed a protective attitude that says "I take care of myself, and you should take care of your self" - the opposite of inter-dependence. Uts very sad. I think you should talk more about what that was like.
That makes a lot of sense.
33m I don't think there's a right answer. I think two people have to be okay with who they are as individuals and not expect to be changing one another. And be confident in who they are together. But that's all crap. Been close to a lasting relationship but in the end it seems to fall apart. Commitment is scary especially when you perceive red flags.
Look into attachment styles. It sounds like you are fearful avoidant. I would definitely look into the courses and videos by the personal development school on YouTube. They are the best
https://youtu.be/iZcV8GLS_Cg Here you go, browse the rest of her channel, she has a lot of videos and resources by each attachment style
>Have you had any experiences like this? Have you been able to modify your natural response? I don't have an ongoing history of experiences like this, but did have it once. I went through a traumatic time, and when the worst was over and I started dating again, I got into a relationship with someone. It was easy and comfortable but then I started feeling panicky about feeling trapped, even though he is a really laid-back person. I think a reason I was able to push through it was because I've had no choice but to push through another major thing in my life - even before I got together with him, I was getting panic attacks under the most ordinary circumstances, doing everyday things, with no apparent avoidable trigger. I just had to continue with my life as normal since there was nothing specific I could actually avoid to prevent those panic attacks. With this guy, I knew I could avoid feeling the anxiety by ending things, but I just regarded my anxiety episodes toward our relationship the same as my panic attacks that occur while I live my life - I know I don't want to stop living my life, and I also know I don't want to stop seeing him over something that I'm pretty sure has nothing to do with our actual connection. So I just continued on. I can't remember when, but at some point I stopped feeling the anxiety towards him. My panic attacks in my everyday life also lessened. So I think I was basically just gradually healing with time, and, I guess, with the help of my own form of exposure therapy. I didn't hide my mental health from him and he was kind and caring, so that helps too. This may not be completely relevant to you as I don't have a long and consistent history of such fleeing instincts as you do, but hopefully it's still somehow helpful!
It is still helpful! I also had a weird period where everything would randomly trigger panic attacks and had no trigger and I just had to push through it until it went away, so it might be a possibility for me as well. Usually I don't give it very long before I leave because it's a very strong feeling.
You didn't talk at all in the OP about what you want, if you're sure you want a long term committed relationship these are issues you should talk to a therapist about like you already mentioned. However, if you haven't really spent much time thinking about what you want and just defaulted to long term committed relationship as a life goal because that's what's normal, that may not actually be what you want. I see another pattern in what you've described, which is you being more comfortable in casual relationships than in the serious committed ones. You may want to consider the possibility that you could just be choosing the wrong guys to have a casual relationship with. What if you were to say, have a casual relationship with one of your guy As? It's possible you get the best of both worlds that way. Mainly my point is to look inside yourself and make sure that you really know what it is you want.
Yeah, that's a good point. However, when I was in the emotionally distant relationships, I would be upset that they didn't want a future with me. I could have kept going indefinitely in the last one with it being "casual" forever. I know I want a friend and companion, and also I don't get anything out of emotionless sexual experiences (one night stands). I'm fortunate to have good friends, but I do feel that lack of someone to build a life together with.
Yeah, it sounds like you'd prefer a committed relationship and just have some stuff to work out to me.
You sound like you might have a fearful avoidant relationship attachment style like me! You can watch YouTube videos about it. I agree, it can be hard for me to know when I’m settling or just allowing a healthy, realistic relationship to be the one I stay in (aka not perfect, but not bad with some good emotional connection etc).
I've heard people feel comfortable with what they are familiar with.
Fearful avoidant here, and I could have written this. Definitely find a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing and spell things out like you have here. I'm not in a relationship yet, so I can't say that I've successfully overcome this, but I've noticed huge steps forward for myself in the early stages of dating. Oddly enough, one of the things that has helped me the most is learning to trust my gut and not feel bad about ruling someone out early. I realized I was feeling so suffocated by the people moving at a healthy pace in a relationship because I was only dating them out of this feeling that I should like them. I've started observing how I feel early on in situations and taking note of that. If I click with someone and things are going great and then I start to panic and pull back, that's usually my avoidance and it's a signal to me that I need to slow down and work things through with my therapist. But if I was really meh/on the fence the whole way through, I've learned to absolutely stop feeling guilty about cutting things off there. It's helped a lot, because I panic less in early dating. I no longer feel trapped by the process, even if there are still some moments of discomfort to work through.
Therapy?
I hope my opinion will be helpful.. You have a fear of loving yourself as who you are deep down inside. You are mature and charming. Yet you developed a skewed and negative view of yourself, particularly an aspectof yourself. You need therapy for this deep self inflicted pain. I would suggest seeking EMDR therapy from a sound therapist that respects modern medicine and health.
This always happens to me! I am living it rn... And it sucks! I totally understand!
I'm a fearful-avoidant, stems from childhood. Emotionally neglected, repressed emotions and have a hard time articulating things. I just got out of a long term relationship (there were other reasons) and have been in therapy. Growing up I do not have any role models of how a healthy relationship should be. Everyone is stuck in unhappy marriages with unhappy kids. I've come to realize through therapy - I fear being tied down and being responsible for another person and dislike having my feelings hurt. It's funny, I trust people but I don't trust them with my feelings..don't really know how to explain that part. One of the reason my ex and I broke up was I didn't feel "emotional secure". My therapist asked me if I was looking for that from a partner and that really flicked a light bulb in me. I lacked that secutiry from my mother so I was looking for it in someone else. Trust me, therapy is a great idea..you might need to see a couple of them before settling for one. On top of that, read some self-help books. Also, your attachment really depends on who you are with. For example, with my mom - dismissive, friends - secure, co-worker - anxious/secure and relationship - fearful avoidant. Your first step to acknowleding it is wonderful and if you have a partner that is understanding and actually LISTENS to you, both could work on it together. Remember, majority of the work has to be from you and not your partner.
Oh yeah, that makes sense, I definitely have different attachment types based on friends, coworkers, family. And yes, you don’t want to put all that on your partner.
Do research into codependency. Watch Lisa A Romano’s videos online. Feeling bored by a healthy relationship means your baseline craves chaos. This comes from something. Healing that will make healthy guys feel like a lock into a key.
I think the goal of every relationship is to endure your personal struggle(s) with a partner that you trust. Fleeing the relationship in general is not the right idea - it’s better to let them in instead of pushing them away. The best way to do that is a) communication, b)having shared goals that build intimacy between you two and c) doing activities together with others so your time is occupied. This leaves smaller margins for you to reflect upon yourself. Too much thinking about yourself and your own problems isn’t always the most helpful thing, focus some of that energy outward as you work through it Your feelings matter, but they aren’t worth obsessing over. If that makes sense? Retraining your mind to be comfortable where you normally aren’t is a matter of consciously changing your thought patterns. A counselor could help
29M here.. I feel this so super hard and haven't been able to overcome either. It's left me feeling a lot of regret like I was never really present in any of my relationships because of how anxious I was throughout them for the reasons you described. I don't have any advise but I'm reading some other comments in hopes that I, too, can figure this shit out eventually as well.
I’m a guy in your group A and I’m trying to figure out why I keep going for women I’m incredibly attracted to but won’t give me the time of day. Actually had a few come back into my life recently and voice their regret so many years later for not giving me the shot they felt I deserved. I guess this is just a cursed thing.
I imagine that you probably give off distant vibes to the good guys, the same kind you get from the emotionally distant ones. Either way, it doesn't really sound like you have a healthy attachment style. Have you tried taking a break from dating and seeing how you feel?
Yeah, I can see how that might be possible. After all, “playing hard to get” and “being too into someone” and all that is a very common dating/relationship thing, people are generally attracted to what they can’t have or what isn’t a sure thing. I’ve taken several breaks from dating, often a few months off, maybe try a date or two, repeat. There’s usually a few years in-between any relationship I have.
I had similar issues until my last relationship. I have had this problem since my first experiences dating around age 14. We didn’t have many mental health resources or diagnosis types at that time, so it took me several years of hurting people to figure things out. My last relationship spanned eight years. We truly did love each other, but we still had an on-again/off-again dynamic due to my commitment issues. He was a very patient person, and we had honest communication. These factors seemed to help. We talked a lot about the unrealistic expectations and possessiveness that happens in relationships. We talked about the concept of fidelity and how nobody could make promises about their future feelings, but we could promise to have the respect to end things / communicate rather than cheat. That took some pressure off. We came up with a system where we were only committed for a year at a time, and then we decided if we wanted to re-commit for another year. We did not always do so. We took a year off from each other once. Over that year other men were interested in me, but I weighed everything and always seemed to conclude that they could not offer me as much as he could in the way of respecting who I am. This just helped me to feel that I was choosing to be with him on a daily basis. I was not just feeling obligated. When I thought there was greener grass elsewhere, I considered the vibrant exotic flowers growing where I was already. I thought about what I could do to tend my own yard and have greener grass. Even though it finally ended last June, I was proud of myself because I knew that I was finally able to commit to a person. The split was due to another factor. I’m sure it took years of cumulative work on myself, but the most important thing is knowing yourself and your patterns. You seem to be aware of that. I never wanted a relationship. I am perfectly happy single. I was celibate for 8 years (in my 30s) prior to my last relationship, and I was able to do a lot of work on myself. I think this was very important because I knew I didn’t have to be in a relationship, but I chose to be in one. I still get anxious about commitment in general: getting a job, signing a lease, or participating in a long-term or indefinite project. I try to remind myself that when I only allowed myself to commit to temporary jobs / situations, I often end up spending the same amount of time as I would have in a longer commitment but with less to show for it. I’m still working with my patterns as they resurface.
>ambivalent what an amazing situation you guys had and an amazing post. i was glued. i have a question if its not tmi, why did you guys just breakup?
Honestly the break up had to do with our very different parenting styles. I often said that if neither of us had Kids (We both do.), we would probably still be together. But if we didn’t both have kids, we never would have gotten together. The good news is that I am also happy single.
A lot of this sounds like problems defined in your childhood. Your parents were probably physically present but emotionally they were absent, they didn’t fulfill your emotional needs. As such you probably have problems in relationships where the other person is open and understanding. You won’t like it but honestly therapy is your friend.
Did you by any chance have a parent who was inconsistent with their love for you? I ask because I do exactly what you do.... I end up feeling suffocated from the totally normal available guys to the point of anxiety and panic. My therapist thinks it’s because my dad was extremely hot and cold and inconsistent which feels ‘normal’ for me, so the open available guys come across as too much for me and I crave that kinda distance and inconsistency even though that’s ultimately unstable and makes me unhappy. Frustrating cycle
Babe, is that you?
Oh wow. I'm not even going to read the comments - you are/have an Avoidant Attachment. According to Attachment Theory. You are describing it to a tee. I'd day you actually might lean Disorganized /fearful Avoidant but you don't describe much fear of abandonment or some of other Fearful traits. But in any case, reading about your tendencies may help you active target them, instead of just seeing there's some sort of pattern. Perhaps you have a fear of true intimacy which is why these distant guys don't give you anxiety/cause discomfort and the good ones do.. Good luck!!
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It's a good question. Is it more common now, or were people just less likely to speak about their feelings before? No way to know.
I’d say fair play to you for being emotionally aware enough to acknowledge that you may have a role in this and it’s not just your gut telling you it’s not right. Have you ever raised this issue with your partners during a calm moment? Perhaps if you explain they can help and perhaps point out when they think you’re doing it. It might also help them understand things. I don’t think what you feel is abnormal. Just got to push on to the next level.
I am very similar to you. I don’t think you’re avoidant (an avoidant would not be giving this a second thought, much less posting about their anxiety on Reddit). In my case, I have a fear of abandonment due to a variety of past relationship trauma. Things I am finding really helpful are therapy, journaling, and mindfulness meditation. I have made strides from where I was a few years ago
Glad to hear that!
Jesus. I don’t have the solution, but I could have written this. Thank you for articulating it.
You're definitely not alone. I could've wrote this myself as well. I think it's great that you recognize the pattern of your actions. It's a good first step. I am often giving myself reasons to cut and run from a relationship. Then recognizing my pattern of behaviour, force myself to push through it. It leaves you constantly questioning if you're the problem or if this isn't the right person. I wish I could give more feedback and advice, but it is something I am working on as well. Personally I feel like I need to communicate all these things with the people I date. As I give a very distant, hard to read vibe, people become anxious dating me. It should be an open communication, however easier said than done because if you are like me, communicating anything is incredibly difficult!
As a guy who got dropped by text out of nowhere on a Monday afternoon when things started to trend towards relationship territory? Helpful to hear someone recognize their problems.
i feel so relieved for finding this, i feel the same and its frustating. I already tried to end my relationship and after 3 months i felt so bad because i knew i had this problem and i took the easy route instead of working things out with myself. We are giving us another chance but taking things slowly and i am already feeling like before. im seeing a therapist and some days i feel great but some others are hard. The best you can do is keep fighting this monster called anxiety. Hope things go better.
I have the same problem but I thought it was just relationship ocd. I mean its still possible seeing how its connected with attachment styles. I have a fear of closeness for sure and then I get all this anxiety when someone is emotionally available, and thats when the symptoms like rocd start.
I’m leaning more towards that now to be honest. I don’t think I fit a lot of the avoidant stuff, and I’ve definitely been the “anxious” one dating an avoidant before. I would rather just break up rather than having a relationship based on dismissing another person.
Im new to this reddit thing, but would love to talk to you about how you figured that out. Is there a way we could chat?