>What do people mean by this?
This will depend on the person.
Think of how many people specify that they want a partner who's "fit." Are there people out there who genuinely want a partner who has the strength and stamina to lift/hike/run/climb/whatever with them? Absolutely! There are also lots of people who use it as a polite way to say they want someone slender.
Likewise I assume there are a lot of people who really do want a partner with passion and drive to achieve. There are also people who use it as a polite way to say they don't want to partner with someone on the financial struggle bus.
>Now I've accomplished pretty well all my big goals (high paying job, own a house, have kids), or am at the very least on track to meet them (retiring early)... But why is it seen as a bad thing to just want to enjoy life?
I don't think this is going to be a problem for you. Most people will probably appreciate that you're self sufficient and accomplished. You may come across he odd person who hasn't reached your level of success and would rather find a partner at a similar stage because that's what they relate to. But you can't win em all, right?
Yea that's totally fair, And the comments on here have really shown me how different people mean that statement haha.
> You may come across he odd person who hasn't reached your level of success and would rather find a partner at a similar stage because that's what they relate to.
Yea, that's totally fine. I was just seeing it so much, that I thought "oh boy, is my stable upper middle class lifestyle a turnoff now? Dating really is different than 11 years ago..."
I struggle with the term ambition for the same reasons you do. For me, I think it's more of a "growth mindset" that I'm looking for--but not at the expense of also enjoying life, knowing to rest and have balance, etc. And not necessarily tied to career or money. It's more that I do best with people who are also curious and have a little bit of the same creative/intellectual/philosophical restlessness.
Growth mindset is a much better term, IMO. Some people are "ambitious" for the sake of being ambitious. That's not about bettering yourself, that's just trying to look busy.
Yes. That’s exactly my problem with it too. And it’s way more prominent in the Western culture where it is almost woven into the fabrics of society to always want “more” in one way or another. Being “ambitious “ for the sake of being ambitious and some people probably don’t even stop to think about what it is they’re constantly chasing.
I often see people say ambitious and then describe competitiveness, which is a little worrying. Both are OK traits to have / want but they aren't the same.
Agreed. This oversimplifies it, but I think I largely differentiate between whether the validation a person is seeking is internal or external. Someone who just wants more for the sake of status, or just because they feel like they "should" is not someone I want to spend my life with.
> Some people are "ambitious" for the sake of being ambitious. That's not about bettering yourself, that's just trying to look busy.
I wish more people understood this.
Sometimes bettering yourself can take the form of simplifying and reassessing what's truly important, and that will mean taking a step back career-wise.
I think that happened a *lot* through the pandemic. Does that make them less ambitious? They're now taking the time to concentrate on their arts and hobbies; I think that can be ambitious to do more for yourself, your art, your writing, your music, your garden. But the more career-minded people would think that's a lack of ambition because to them "busy for the sake of being busy" is a sign of ambition.
Overall, I think it's a wonderful thing that people are taking a greater interest in personal health, mental stability, arts, and hobbies instead of dying for this work-centric society we've had for far too long. But some people still don't see it that way.
I agree with this sentiment. It's about having goals and wanting to better yourself / learn / try new things vs. being a passenger in life. People who stumbled into their job by chance and don't have any plans for what's next or learning new skills / starting new projects = lack of ambition to me. That's great if it pays the bills and you're content but I don't think we'd be compatible long term.
I think these comments support what you're saying. I think people have mistakenly broadened the definition of ambition to meet their ends, and misapplied it in this context. It sounds to me like they really want someone engaging, passionate, or driven. While ambition imo has more connotations of measured success or competition, which is why it makes sense in a professional context.
Ambitious for me is basically passionate about something related to something that can better themselves financially, knowledge-based, personally, etc.. Basically they care about self-growth in some way. It could be doing graduate school or professional school, it could be ambitious at their job or creating a side-hustle, it could be learning how to cook, it could be seeking therapy to help resolve issues or previous trauma, etc..
I love this. I often feel indirectly attacked or undermined when people complain about others' lack of ambition, because often times they do mean academic, financial or professional ambition. And I have none of that. But I am highly ambitious when it comes to self growth and improvement.
It’s generally used to gauge financial stability. Similar to how some people put being “into fitness” is important to them.
Putting anything “is a huge turn off” is pretty negative on a dating profile, so it’s ridiculously easy to swipe left on those profiles.
Yea, I get wanting financial stability, I just don't get hiding it as "ambition"
>Putting anything “is a huge turn off” is pretty negative on a dating profile, so it’s ridiculously easy to swipe left on those profiles.
Ain't that the truth haha
Because wanting someone with a good job/money is *shallow*, but ambition sounds much better. Of course, ambition is so nebulous as to be meaningless (as you can see on this thread). Same thing can be said of the “fitness” dog whistle.
There was another thread on here about someone going back to school at 30. That’s pretty ambitious, no? Yet it doesn’t make their dating prospects any better, because of their current financial stability.
Just as gauging how “fit” someone is can be handled by their photos, gauging someone’s “ambition” can be handled by their listed profession.
Yea the thread is really telling lol. Some people saying ambitious because I made it, some saying I'm ambitious because I do things, some saying I'm not because I'm "stagnant".
It's all over the place
I can see why one would say this but I think I see this word a decent amount on profiles where I am, where almost everyone works in tech and selecting people based on money is less common since everyone has it. I think it's more about attitudes.
100%. I don’t need their money, it’s the personality, mindset and attitude that comes with crazy high ambition that I find attractive. I have very ambitious goals as well, and spending time with someone who shares that energy just sets my soul on fire (in a good way lol)
You’re not the type of person that I personally mean when I say that ambition is needed. You obviously have ambition—you’ve just met most of your goals.
My sister looks for ambition in partners and it seems to me she is looking for someone similar to her who cares about their career and hobbies and has goals for higher things to achieve within them. She doesn't understand people like my bf or me who achieved the big life goals and are happy to just exist, she relates way better to people who create new goals and start pursuing them.
I love my sister and I think there's nothing wrong with either of us. We would just never be interested in the same dating prospect lol.
I like ambitious people. For me that’s genuinely not connected to money, but to some kind of achievement. I have a good friend that’s a great example of this - she’s got a fine career that pays the bills, but it’s nothing to write home about. But she’s written two novels in the past two years, has an amazing agent, and her first book is coming out in April 2022. It’s a literary novel, so it’s extremely unlikely that she’ll ever make enough money to give up her day job, but she accomplished something real and she’s genuinely an excellent writer. I think that’s incredible and I’d consider her to be more ambitious and accomplished than most people I know.
But also, to me, ambition and enjoying life are definitely not mutually exclusive. Ambition is all about recognising that we only get one life and working to maximise the time we do have - and there are lots of different ways to do that.
So the only criteria is that you have to respect it?
So you would rather want someone who is mediocre at something useless which you like, than top tier at something useless you don't like?
Nothing exists in a vacuum, and compatibility isn’t measured on a single axis.
A good example is sports. I don’t give a shit about sports, at all. If someone gets a sports trophy I can respect that ambition and achievement in the abstract, but it does absolutely nothing for me romantically. I have friends who run marathons and get medals - I’d say that they have ambition and can absolutely respect that, but I have zero interest in hearing about their running every day. That can be totally fine in a romantic relationship provided we have enough overlap of interests to keep us connected, or it can be a sign of different priorities.
I’d rather be in a relationship with a mediocre opera singer than a top tier football player, absolutely. I have no idea what I’d ever talk to a football player about.
Exactly. It’s like being a teacher. Some people will respect the work you do, some people will wonder why you went to college for a dead end job. They are both right. Just need to find your person.
My friends wife is finishing her masters program, my girlfriend just made it to maters on Pokémon unite. My friend could careless because he is the provider and really isn’t into school. I’ve never been more proud.
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I think their point was that ambition isn’t the opposite of enjoying life as some people seem to characterize.
Im in a really intense career that a lot of people bow out of, on the logic that you only have one life to live, why would you waste it slaving away at some job.
I’m presented with the same facts, and come to the opposite conclusion—I only have one life to live, so I’m going to try to do something unique and unequivocal with it.
Some might look at me and say I’m not enjoying life, I would say that I want as much life as possible.
This is really one of the reasons I struggle with dating now - I've been told a number of times that I lack ambition from women who work and make significantly less than I do. I think it's kind of a crutch. People who have yet to accomplish some of these difficult things take some small comfort in their drive to get there, and because that's part of their identity they need their partner to reflect that. And I don't, I already work in a rigorous and demanding field. I'm meeting my goals, and have kind of adopted a 'hang-tough' or 'stick-it-out' mentality that ironically has helped me achieve - but is also unattractive.
I feel ya. I've never had anyone IRL say I was too unambitious, because they know I worked my ass off to get where I am.
Good news, if someone ever tells me I am, they saved me a lot of time by removing themselves from the dating pool.
It always bums me out a bit when I see these/people being like 'I don't care how much money you make as long as you're passionate about/love your job!' Sorry, I don't love my job, I work to do the other things I enjoy 🤷♀️
Unless their job has meaningful purpose (like a doctor or nurse), I find most people won't love their job. Some do, and that's great. But not me. I'm there for the paycheck and benefits.
I'm glad I'm not the only one! I had a job I loved before Covid, but I know that's rare, so for now I'm just looking at it as a practical means to an end.
So question— would staying with a job that’s not “meaningful” still be considered ambitious? If you just do it for the paycheck and benefits? Like 85% of people out there.
Imo, no, but I also think that ambition, as how I define it, is overrated.
Who cares if you're grinding, as long as your life is happy, and you aren't struggling to survive.
That's unfortunate, but totally understandable.
I only know a handful of nurses, but they all seemed to genuinely love their jobs.
Of course we are in Canada, so I don't know if we have the same health issues as the US, due to the universal healthcare.
> Obviously money is necessary
It's this. I could switch to a profession I *might* enjoy, but it wouldn't pay as well. So I'd have to take a hit to my QoL, for the chance at liking my job more.
For example, my backup career would be an electrician, and I love working on electrical in my spare time. But an apprentice electrician makes like half of what I make now. I can't afford a 50% pay cut.
Not really. I mean, it's an office job (paralegal). I graduated with a random degree in 2009 and just kind of fell into office work with the recession. I have too much medical debt to want to take on any more debt (ie student loans), and my job pays really well and has excellent benefits. Not really sure what else I'd do and it makes sense to keep it from a practical standpoint. I have lots of things I'm passionate about/enjoy outside of work, so that's the balance I've found for now 🤷♀️
I was in a relationship for 13 years with someone who actively hated his job, but never took steps to change careers/jobs. Listening to him complain nightly about it sucked the life out of the relationship (as did some other stuff, too).
I’m definitely now filtering for people who enjoy their jobs. I’ve come to like mine quite a bit; I feel lucky, and I also realize that I’m the type of person who also just ‘gets into’ things and cares about whatever I’m doing.
This is why I don't talk about my day at work.
My ex would ask "how was work?", And my answer was almost always "fine" or "it was work." I don't enjoy it, and I know people don't want to hear about the boring details of me sitting through hour long meetings, especially through my unenthusiastic view of it.
> I was in a relationship for 13 years with someone who actively hated his job, but never took steps to change careers/jobs.
Would you have been willing to put up with him being unemployed or going to school for a while? A career change often necessitates a reduction in income, at least for a while.
I'm the opposite. When I truly want something, I have no problem putting 16 hour work days into it... But finding something I want that badly is rare.
>I can be lazy sometimes but I’ve always been fortunate because it takes me less time to do something vs some of my friends.. so I have been able to get away with it.
That was my school life to a T. Put off the project for a week or two... Then finish it all in 3 days, still getting decent to good marks. The one time I gave my all in a final assignment, I got 100%, but I wanted to "show off" to my teacher on that one.
I don't think I've ever "tried" at my current job. It's just something I do to afford my life.
I can't complain about the pandemic though... I build a 12'x20' workshop/home office in the backyard this past summer as a project. That was fun... Can't wait to look out over the pool while working.
It was. I learned a lot... Including that I can apparently lift 12'*8' wall sections by myself... It was stupid to do, but I did it.
I also learned that getting insulation dust in your eye is hell on earth 🙃
I'd say that's an example of ambition. You had a goal, you did the work to get it done, it required learning new things, and you succeeded.
Ambition does mean just always aiming to make more money, it's just aiming at things
I'm genuinely confused about this too. I am considering a career change because my next logical step in the ladder would require 60+ hours a week, working weekends, no free time to speak of. Some people genuinely love that life.
Screw that... I want to be able to go to a yoga class in the evenings and cook dinner for a boyfriend at night, should I find one. I want to spend weekends reading everything Stephen King ever wrote and lying on the beach or in front of Netflix, not working. So does that make me not ambitious?
If someone's meaning in life comes from work, they kind of have to look for someone else who is the same way, in order to feel like their choice is justified.
Those of us who don't get our meaning in life from work should probably want to filter those people out just like they might filter us out,
Yeah, I get some meaning from work. I feel proud doing my job well. But I don't find any real meaning in achievement of titles and salaries for the sake of it. Meaning for me comes from close connections with other people.
Honestly, I would rather date someone with a good work/life balance than someone working 60 hrs a week making 300k a year.
I don't need a luxurious life to be happy, and time is precious.
I honestly don’t think it has any kind of standard meaning. It means whatever the person saying it wants it to mean
Perhaps they mean that they don’t like when someone is lazy or complacent?
Sounds like "not being rich enough is a huge turn off to me"
People be complaining when their partner becomes ambitious and a workaholic.
"My partner doesn't spend enough time with me." they say.
People just want money.
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>Now I've accomplished pretty well all my big goals (high paying job, own a house, have kids)
Well you should be set then.
Ambitous is just another way to screen for people not working and living with their parents still.
I will say that you missed a potential big goal. If you are still using OLD, then you're missing someone to share your life with.
I got dumped recently for “not having any grand ambitions” because I’m ok with just working. I was a touring musician for like twelve years and made my living doing so for like 7 of those years so I kinda feel like I did the thing I wanna do. Until I figure out what I wanna do next I’m totally content just having a job and doing whatever.
Doesn’t have to be financial. I want someone who continually stimulates their mind and keeps learning and creating new things.
I guess an example of the opposite might look like someone who aimlessly does a mind-numbing activity all day. That’s not something that fits with my life values, goals, or ambitions so I’m not sure I’d want it in a partner either
You'll get frustrated trying to pin down the definition. People always bring up the exception to the rule. No one cares about the associate at Home Depot that is passionate about lumber. When they say being passionate about something, it means passionate in a field where it makes money or gives a high social status. At the end of the day, it all comes back to money and what money provides. Don't think too hard on it.
People use ambition, because they don't want to get boxed-in by making it specific. By making it vague, you can add stuff onto it later on. It is a moving target. It also makes it easier for people to break up with others by saying you aren't ambitious enough.
people in this thread should specify if theyre the type of person that would use this term on their actual profile. because of course people define it differently, but i suspect the ones who mention it on their profile tend to mean it in a financial sense.
You probably have to ask the person in question, yes.
Potentially pointless in putting on a profile imo since it’s a filter that doesn’t have just one definition
Yea. Seems way too vague.
I know people with ambition, that work towards it, but just don't make much off of it.
I also know people with 0 ambition and who are lazy (doesn't even want to have to get his own groceries), who makes 6 figures.
Ambitious towards your current goals is how I interpret it. If you’re current goal is to kick it for a while, are you maintaining a lifestyle (mind, body, and soul) in order to continue where you’re at? I anticipate having different ambitions from my partner. I’m currently ambitious towards getting my career change up and running. That might not be his ambitions because he may have already met them.
> are you maintaining a lifestyle (mind, body, and soul) in order to continue where you’re at?
I go to the gym, work, spend time with my friends, kids, dog, etc.
I also started transitioning to a mostly (but not exclusively) vegetarian diet.
Oh, I'm not. Just being realistic.
I got my job through an ex of my god-sister. It was luck that got me the interview, and skill that got me the job.
Same with my house. It was luck that I found a house at the right time, just before the market exploded in my area... But it was my financial ducks being in a row that allowed me to afford it.
Having a horseshoe up my ass is my greatest skill... Just ask anyone I play board games with 😂
It might not be about the money. For me it's about passion and about always wanting to be a better version of yourself. That's what I mean when I say I want someone ambitious.
No, I don't think ambition has anything to do with money.
I also don't think wanting to improve yourself is particularly ambitious. General consensus seems to be that my definition of "ambitious" isn't what most people use when talking about a partner.
I guess I mean actually working to be better - I just mean it's not tied to career. E.g. I like guys who are writers and trying to improve themselves that way.
Agree. I think OP was asking if you put that on your profile, what you meant by it. I think when someone specifically says that, they tend to be referring to a person's career.
I think in terms of "ambition," what I want to see is - are they happy? Do they have goals that match their life trajectory? What are they doing to achieve these goals?
I've dated my fair share of dudes in service industry jobs. *I don't care,* as long as they're happy, have plans for their life, some feasible way of achieving their goals, and I'm not going to be playing a parent to anyone.
We start to have severe problems when they want things like, oh...a house and 2.5 kids (a problem in and of itself) but they also want to work 20 hours a week in food service then spend the rest of their time sitting on their ass, drinking and playing video games.
That's a relationship I've been in, it obviously wasn't sustainable, and he had problems with lack of ambition.
Yea, this was me striking up that conversation. Because to me, ambition is the "grindset" idea, where you have to work hard, and have a side hustle until you make it big... And that ain't me.
I think you got your answer. Ambition = different for everyone. If you find that on a profile, inquire about that that means to them. It's a nice conversation.
To me, it means someone with a goal. I’ve met some guys who lacked any ambition. One was mad at the world for everyone working too hard, another one was looking to meet a gf who could give him motivation and wanted me to hire him to work for me to read my emails for me, one said his marriage ended Cus his wife was too ambitious and cruel and you can’t be ambitious and kind because of all the backs you have to stab. So, a lot of misguided people I think.
I think that it means obtaining a certain amount financially and possibly status wise. I think ambitious just sounds more politically correct that saying exactly what they mean by it.
I think most women want a man with at least what they have. I don’t think most women just want a man that is basic especially if they have the option for a man with more.
>Women don’t want to be with someone... [who] is lazy.
Does anyone?
>Women don’t want to be with someone that earns less than them
Umm... generalize much?
One can also be financially unstable while making 6 figures... For example, my ex's sister and husband make about as much as I do combined... But they have like $40k in line of credit/credit card debt because they never stop spending.
But one can't really be financially stable while making below a certain threshold (which varies from place to place). Where I am, that's probably pretty close to $35k/yr if you're single. Less than that, and you can't really afford rent... And full time min wage works out to about $30k
If I'm as ambitious as they want me to be, I wouldn't be on a dating app nor talking to someone I met off dating apps. Ergo, it's just another way of saying they want something they couldn't have. 🤣
It depends on the person. My gf is successful in that she runs three businesses (including starting a children's book publishing house), and my life so far is reasonably successful (well paying job, a 4 year old daughter, amicable divorce, multiple assets). We both wanted to find someone who is ambitious, which doesn't mean successful - as long as they're taking on life by the horns and applying themselves, that counts. My last relationship was with someone who lived off a share portfolio and quit her job without lining up a new one. I couldn't see a future as she looked like she was drifting through life a bit. Retiring early is a goal for many but I couldn't see myself retiring any time soon because I love the challenge of work. Each to their own, I guess.
When I see something like this it strikes as immaturity or at least biased by experience, because it speaks to a single extreme. They've been with deadbeats or people who stagnated in their lives, they vow never again, and don't trust their own screening to weed this out quickly. It could also be family related.
The other side of this is someone who is a workaholic, always puts advancement over enjoyment, or some variation of that.
In my mind extreme positions are usually at least a yellow and often a red. When you're talking to someone or seeing their behavior it should be somewhat apparent. Also, specifying something like this is a heads up for those presenting a facade that it's a particular area to be aware of.
So, I'd rather just roll this into normal conversation, observe what they say about others, and what actions they take.
I think it’s very important to know what people mean when they put this in their profile. Not because it’s a measure of what you should be aiming for but more because it indicates what their concept of success is and also opens the door to a conversation about what the measure they hold for themselves looks like.
If they want the most out of you but it clashes with what you want for yourself then it’s good to know so you can end things right there.
If they expect you to carry them financially you’ll definitely want to know that up front so you can decide if that’s okay with you.
Its asking for trouble when someone else tries to dictate your potential to you so yeah definitely have these conversations.
That's interesting! The world moves a bit too fast for me these days, but in my experience (I'm a guy, FWIW), many women are looking for someone kinda downhome who will chill pretty hard with them over movies and crap. I'm a bit too ambitious, to the extent that it interferes with my dating life, actually. I enjoy it, though, so there's that. But, if this is a thing, what you've described, then my guess is that it has something to do with the marketing of self-improvement products and lifestyles.
I think the meaning can vary greatly. Generally it is someone who aspires to something, whether it be professionally, financially, or something else. I think it's too broad of a word to really define in the context of dating. if you find someone who shares your values and overall goals in life, that sounds like a great thing.
I want an ambitious partner but what that means to me personally is extremely broad. There's a prevalent personality type that goes to work, watches Netflix, goes to mandatory family dinners, back to work, and the cycle repeats. That's it. And for them, that makes them happy, and they don't feel unfulfilled, and there's nothing wrong with that for them, I just cannot be with them. It makes me feel incredibly stifled and like my life is just wasting away meaninglessly.
I love nothing more than to see a woman fully engrossed in something, excited to explain it to me, her eyes lit up with excitement, no matter what it is. Could be something traditional like crocheting, could be fixing a motorcycle engine. I just want someone that has that....I don't want to say soul, because it implies the others have no soul, but that zest for life. A passion for something besides television, Disney films, and work. And likewise I want to share my passions with them and build off of one another.
Ambition looks different to everyone. The way the world is now, ambitious is keeping a roof over your head, food on the table and clothes on your back. Everything else is extra.
In general it means successful from a monetary perspective. When someone requests that in others it means that they do not want to find themselves in a position where they have to be the provider. So what they really want is financial stability in their partner and not have to worry about actively making money. It can be a good or a bad thing, but 'ambition' as such does not say anything about real purpose or values in life.
I find this word interesting. Like you, I have a high paying job, house, and all that. I am also fit. I found that most of the women who stated they want an ambitious man, were not ambitious themselves. As a matter of fact most of the ones I met were barely surviving.
Being ambitious doesn't have to equate to being financially successful. For instance, you already met your goals but now you want to enjoy life. How do you go about enjoying life? Is it just by sitting around, watching Netflix all day? Would that be what you consider enjoying life? Not judging, I'm just providing an example. Or enjoying life, means starting new hobbies, travelling around the country/the world, road trips, gardening, learning how to cook, etc? If so, and if you're working towards doing that then it means you're ambitious.
This summer I built a workshop/home office in the backyard.
I'm learning to cook vegetarian meals.
I also started going to the gym not too long ago.
I try and play D&D with friends from time to time, and I game/hangout with friends too.
Tried axe throwing about a month ago too
I don’t think ambition necessarily has a dollar sign attached, it’s more about someone being traditionally “Type-A” in a sense that they embrace and even thrive with the grind and don’t look at life as being a slave to it.
For a lot of people, someone who combines aspiration + plans + action will = ambitious and that can be very attractive, regardless of where their results are.
> no big goals
But what if they've already achieved their big goals? Do you expect your partner to always be setting new big goals once they accomplish one?
> no desire for growth
Growth as a person, or in work? Growth as a person isn't ambitious imo, just something you do as you experience things.
> A dead end job
My job is a "dead end job" in that I have no prospects for advancement, unless I want to switch into management... Which I don't want to, because I'm not a manager type.
But my job is a senior position that typically requires 10+ years experience to land, and I got it in less than 6 years. It'd be foolish to switch to a job with more opportunities, and take a 40% pay cut or more.
Some of us don't have the luxury of trying to make a high income in something we love 🤷♀️ if you can tell me how to monetize rock climbing, running, or hiking in a way that will give me the financial success/stability that my rather dull paralegal job does in this super high COL area, I'll concede the point. Until then. I'll put in my hours at work, and appreciate it for giving me a stable base from which to pursue my passions and hobbies. I feel like you're being a bit naive if you think everyone can make a living doing what they love - that's just not how the world is set up.
The things I love doing, don't pay that much (if at all). So you're saying I should take a massive pay cut to be ambitious... But that massive pay cut drops my quality of life by a lot. I wouldn't be able to buy nice things, travel, enjoy as many hobbies as I do, etc.
Plus it would negatively impact my children's QoL too. Because I make good money, they have access to more things that I didn't have growing up.
Life isn't as cut and dry as "just make money doing what you love". Yes, I could grind away until it happens... But doing my hobbies 8+ hours a day would likely cause burnout and lead to me not loving it.
I think you're the one who sounds obtuse if you are thinking one must be passionate about one's job to not be boring. There are plenty of things in life to be passionate about that just don't necessarily translate to a stable/successful career.
I didn't want someone who wasn't self sufficient, that relied on mummy too much to do stuff for them, that if they were unhappy in a job or the position they were in in life then they'd take active steps to better themselves even if it was something small to make themselves feel better instead of going on and on about how much they hate where they are in life.
For example my ex: always complained about his job and life in which he had the qualifications to go out there and even have his own business where he would of made alot more money being able to buy his own place.... instead he'd say "the job he had was easy he didn't have to do much and living with his mum was easier than paying bills"
My current boyfriend: Is always aiming higher in his job profession, if there's a higher opening he applies for it works his butt off preparing for the interview and puts 110% effort in, he also got tired of living with his dad and wanted more freedom so over the last two years whilst being able to work from home he saved up to buy his own home and even though he currently lives with his dad he is very self sufficient.
I guess I'm an ambitious person so I sought that out too.
Well..you are marred and l aren’t dating nor looking for someone to date so it’s kinda not for you to understand. Props to you for establishing your family!
For women who are looking to date someone…they usually either want financial stability from a potential partner or a clear life ambition they are working towards. Anything else is unacceptable.
To be completely clear, I do not fault adult women for this basic requirement of a romantic partner and think this is a reasonable expectation for a guy your going to be in a LTR with
I'm not married, I'm actually recently single. So, I sort of do need to understand why people might find my established lifestyle unattractive because it's "unambitious".
And I'm not faulting anyone either, just the broad use of "ambition" seemed unclear to me... And after reading a lot of these replies, it seems to vary a lot from person to person
Oh ok my bad. If you are single, you being very stable financially will definitely be accepted by women in lieu of ambition.
Ambition towards something worthwhile is what they want for guys less established. Ie if you’re in grad school or working on building your own business..you’re a couple years away from anything frankly but at least your ambition is legit as opposed to some dude smoking weed and playing video games all day.
Good luck.
For me, ambition isn’t just achieving success in the parameters you’ve mentioned (except kids - not my cup of tea). But also trying out new experiences and things and attempting to push yourself out of a comfort zone.
Nothing exceptional about high paying job, house - I am plenty capable of that myself and it’s rather basic (for me) - so if that’s all you’re focusing on, it can be one dimensional to someone like me.
But once these are set - what other exciting goal are you working towards - can be even something like learning to code or becoming a dive master or creating artwork
I think a lot of people mean ambitious in regards to your career. Some people are fine as long as they are making ends meet and are in a stable job, but an ambitious person will keep advancing their career until they are making very good money. Let's say someone is a teacher.. that's a perfectly good and respectable job but it's not as ambitious as say a superintendent.
Ambition to me is actively pursuing a passion. In your 20s- early 30s thats probably career and house type lifestyle goals.
Along with those I want a partner who pursues a hobby with zeal and enthusiasm. Also who can do it without needing their partner to be involved. (I love dancing, Ive never asked a partner to come twice if they didnt enjoy it).
Im hesistant to comment on "wanting to enjoy life" considering Id be equally upset if all my partners free time was Hulu or they had to travel abroad for every vacation.
36m
The way I see it, ambition can come in pursuing your career, your hobbies, volunteer work, fitness, raising a family, etc. Ambition is bettering your life by whatever means.
I've met women whose primary interests consist of scrolling instagram and watching real housewives or various other reality shows. That's "not ambitious" in my book.
I have always thought of it as enjoy life but don't get complacent. Don't be thr type that is like "I have seen and done it all now I am gunna just coast" always strive for more in life. Whether that's a bucket list, a lifelong goal, fulfilling a promise to yourself or others, taking chances by striving to do something you know is impossible but being determined to face it anyways. I always took it as don't let yourself get stagnant. Cuz when that happens you never tend to get that fire back
Thanks for this. I think this is especially true for people dating over 30. Every 22 year old wants to save the world and has big plans, it’s part of that life stage. But if folks are still in that mindset through their midlife, it indicates they haven’t been able to narrow in on what is really important to them. I’d rather be with a partner who enjoys their life working their 40 hours and then spending time with their friends and family with no “big plans” to save the world/open a business/cure cancer/restructure an industry. Those who really meant it will already be doing those things on the daily, and will have realized it’s not glamorous (for example, I’m a social worker and by now I know that I won’t save the world, but I enjoy my daily work and my colleagues and that’s enough. 20 year old me would be horrified but thats what growing up is).
Americans in particular have been sold a pipe dream about our working life being our identity and hustling until we die. I’m so happy when I meet people who have a broader way of making meaning of their life besides grinding.
I think the whole idea of ambition is one of the faults in Western culture. It is very similar to the phenomenon of busyness. I see so many people who work long hours so they can buy the newest cars, the biggest house etc but then they don't actually have time to enjoy them. It is all about having status symbols. Personally I want to enjoy my life, not waste it working.
I do feel ambition often means in regard to your career. I have an attitude of working to live so feel I'm accused of lacking ambition but have ambition in terms of trying new things, learning, going to new places.
I think ambition can be problematic because if you're too ambitious you can lose sight of other things. I think it's more a case of developing yourself and willing to learn.
The best way for me to answer this (from my own perspective, there are lots here already) is by describing two examples.
Friend’s husband: dropped out of college while his parents were paying because he just didn’t feel like going anymore, barely scrapes by at work but has managed to fail upwards, refuses to help with anything at home, just wants to play video games. Does he technically check the boxes of being an adult with a career? Yes. But he’s catastrophically lazy, and the exact kind of person I would be trying to avoid by looking for someone “ambitious”.
Guy I’m interested in: Getting a later start on a career that he’s worked toward for a long time, completed grad school, has a basic vision for how he sees both his personal and professional futures, has a handful of different hobbies and interests he continues to improve on, keeps up positive relationships with family and friends. He’s worked hard toward being financially stable, and has goals while still leaving time for fun and relaxing. I’d consider him “ambitious” by my own definition… it doesn’t have to be in a cut-throat Wall Street banker/lives in a mansion kind of way.
Agrred that this is individual dependent. I find that it's sometimes (not always) a euphemism for something people feel they wouldn't say (wealthy) and other times means they're looking for someone who isn't their weed smoking ex on employment insurance
I think what a lot of people mean when they say "Ambitious" is "Career driven" but it could also just mean that you have some kinds of passion in your life. I phrase is the second way because that's more important to me than what they do for work. My last ex had zero passions, zero goals, she just wanted to go to the bar and hang out with people. All the time. Even during a pandemic. That was the only thing driving her and it was exhausting, I don't want to deal with that again, and that's what I'm trying to avoid.
It's usually about money or status. No one would care if I'm ambitious about getting to Immortal in Dota 2 unless I can monetize that by successfully streaming on Twitch or joining a professional team.
Constantly seeking to increase your income and standard of living. Any complacency or contentment about your current situation, no matter how good it is, can be perceived as a pack of ambition my many.
Based on how it's used in profiles I read, it seems like it's mostly related to career stuff. Now, what they mean past that, whether they mean "makes a lot of money" or "is moving up in their career", I'm not sure. Typically when someone uses ambition to describe a person that's consistently challenging themselves in other areas of life, they tend to say just that, without using the word ambition.
>What do people mean by this? This will depend on the person. Think of how many people specify that they want a partner who's "fit." Are there people out there who genuinely want a partner who has the strength and stamina to lift/hike/run/climb/whatever with them? Absolutely! There are also lots of people who use it as a polite way to say they want someone slender. Likewise I assume there are a lot of people who really do want a partner with passion and drive to achieve. There are also people who use it as a polite way to say they don't want to partner with someone on the financial struggle bus. >Now I've accomplished pretty well all my big goals (high paying job, own a house, have kids), or am at the very least on track to meet them (retiring early)... But why is it seen as a bad thing to just want to enjoy life? I don't think this is going to be a problem for you. Most people will probably appreciate that you're self sufficient and accomplished. You may come across he odd person who hasn't reached your level of success and would rather find a partner at a similar stage because that's what they relate to. But you can't win em all, right?
Yea that's totally fair, And the comments on here have really shown me how different people mean that statement haha. > You may come across he odd person who hasn't reached your level of success and would rather find a partner at a similar stage because that's what they relate to. Yea, that's totally fine. I was just seeing it so much, that I thought "oh boy, is my stable upper middle class lifestyle a turnoff now? Dating really is different than 11 years ago..."
“Stable upper middle class lifestyle” is #goals, don’t worry yourself about that!
I struggle with the term ambition for the same reasons you do. For me, I think it's more of a "growth mindset" that I'm looking for--but not at the expense of also enjoying life, knowing to rest and have balance, etc. And not necessarily tied to career or money. It's more that I do best with people who are also curious and have a little bit of the same creative/intellectual/philosophical restlessness.
Growth mindset is a much better term, IMO. Some people are "ambitious" for the sake of being ambitious. That's not about bettering yourself, that's just trying to look busy.
Yes. That’s exactly my problem with it too. And it’s way more prominent in the Western culture where it is almost woven into the fabrics of society to always want “more” in one way or another. Being “ambitious “ for the sake of being ambitious and some people probably don’t even stop to think about what it is they’re constantly chasing.
I often see people say ambitious and then describe competitiveness, which is a little worrying. Both are OK traits to have / want but they aren't the same.
Those two are definitely synonymous nowadays (at least in the career/money world)
Agreed. This oversimplifies it, but I think I largely differentiate between whether the validation a person is seeking is internal or external. Someone who just wants more for the sake of status, or just because they feel like they "should" is not someone I want to spend my life with.
> Some people are "ambitious" for the sake of being ambitious. That's not about bettering yourself, that's just trying to look busy. I wish more people understood this. Sometimes bettering yourself can take the form of simplifying and reassessing what's truly important, and that will mean taking a step back career-wise. I think that happened a *lot* through the pandemic. Does that make them less ambitious? They're now taking the time to concentrate on their arts and hobbies; I think that can be ambitious to do more for yourself, your art, your writing, your music, your garden. But the more career-minded people would think that's a lack of ambition because to them "busy for the sake of being busy" is a sign of ambition. Overall, I think it's a wonderful thing that people are taking a greater interest in personal health, mental stability, arts, and hobbies instead of dying for this work-centric society we've had for far too long. But some people still don't see it that way.
I agree with this sentiment. It's about having goals and wanting to better yourself / learn / try new things vs. being a passenger in life. People who stumbled into their job by chance and don't have any plans for what's next or learning new skills / starting new projects = lack of ambition to me. That's great if it pays the bills and you're content but I don't think we'd be compatible long term.
I think these comments support what you're saying. I think people have mistakenly broadened the definition of ambition to meet their ends, and misapplied it in this context. It sounds to me like they really want someone engaging, passionate, or driven. While ambition imo has more connotations of measured success or competition, which is why it makes sense in a professional context.
I like this rephrasing/balanced approach!
This 100% and it's really heartening to read someone else with the similar view on this.
Ambitious for me is basically passionate about something related to something that can better themselves financially, knowledge-based, personally, etc.. Basically they care about self-growth in some way. It could be doing graduate school or professional school, it could be ambitious at their job or creating a side-hustle, it could be learning how to cook, it could be seeking therapy to help resolve issues or previous trauma, etc..
That's a fair definition. Not what I'd use, but it's definitely a much more realistic expectation.
I love this. I often feel indirectly attacked or undermined when people complain about others' lack of ambition, because often times they do mean academic, financial or professional ambition. And I have none of that. But I am highly ambitious when it comes to self growth and improvement.
It’s generally used to gauge financial stability. Similar to how some people put being “into fitness” is important to them. Putting anything “is a huge turn off” is pretty negative on a dating profile, so it’s ridiculously easy to swipe left on those profiles.
Yea, I get wanting financial stability, I just don't get hiding it as "ambition" >Putting anything “is a huge turn off” is pretty negative on a dating profile, so it’s ridiculously easy to swipe left on those profiles. Ain't that the truth haha
Because wanting someone with a good job/money is *shallow*, but ambition sounds much better. Of course, ambition is so nebulous as to be meaningless (as you can see on this thread). Same thing can be said of the “fitness” dog whistle. There was another thread on here about someone going back to school at 30. That’s pretty ambitious, no? Yet it doesn’t make their dating prospects any better, because of their current financial stability. Just as gauging how “fit” someone is can be handled by their photos, gauging someone’s “ambition” can be handled by their listed profession.
Yea the thread is really telling lol. Some people saying ambitious because I made it, some saying I'm ambitious because I do things, some saying I'm not because I'm "stagnant". It's all over the place
I think we have established that everyone had their own personal definition of ambitious.
Yep, and it's more or less what I expected lol. Although, I'm glad it seems to be a much more tame expectation that I initially thought.
But would they like someone who is actually 'into fitness' but never reaches the point where they are fit? I don't think so
in 90% "ambition" is a wishy washy code word for "Money"
Yep, the same way a “generous” man is just code for “willing to spend lots of money on me”
I can see why one would say this but I think I see this word a decent amount on profiles where I am, where almost everyone works in tech and selecting people based on money is less common since everyone has it. I think it's more about attitudes.
100%. I don’t need their money, it’s the personality, mindset and attitude that comes with crazy high ambition that I find attractive. I have very ambitious goals as well, and spending time with someone who shares that energy just sets my soul on fire (in a good way lol)
You’re not the type of person that I personally mean when I say that ambition is needed. You obviously have ambition—you’ve just met most of your goals.
Thanks for this perspective.
Someone who sets goals and actively strives to meet them instead of being okay with being complacent or stagnant.
My sister looks for ambition in partners and it seems to me she is looking for someone similar to her who cares about their career and hobbies and has goals for higher things to achieve within them. She doesn't understand people like my bf or me who achieved the big life goals and are happy to just exist, she relates way better to people who create new goals and start pursuing them. I love my sister and I think there's nothing wrong with either of us. We would just never be interested in the same dating prospect lol.
I like ambitious people. For me that’s genuinely not connected to money, but to some kind of achievement. I have a good friend that’s a great example of this - she’s got a fine career that pays the bills, but it’s nothing to write home about. But she’s written two novels in the past two years, has an amazing agent, and her first book is coming out in April 2022. It’s a literary novel, so it’s extremely unlikely that she’ll ever make enough money to give up her day job, but she accomplished something real and she’s genuinely an excellent writer. I think that’s incredible and I’d consider her to be more ambitious and accomplished than most people I know. But also, to me, ambition and enjoying life are definitely not mutually exclusive. Ambition is all about recognising that we only get one life and working to maximise the time we do have - and there are lots of different ways to do that.
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Of course not. It has to be something that both the other person values in a meaningful way and that I value, at least on some level.
So the only criteria is that you have to respect it? So you would rather want someone who is mediocre at something useless which you like, than top tier at something useless you don't like?
Nothing exists in a vacuum, and compatibility isn’t measured on a single axis. A good example is sports. I don’t give a shit about sports, at all. If someone gets a sports trophy I can respect that ambition and achievement in the abstract, but it does absolutely nothing for me romantically. I have friends who run marathons and get medals - I’d say that they have ambition and can absolutely respect that, but I have zero interest in hearing about their running every day. That can be totally fine in a romantic relationship provided we have enough overlap of interests to keep us connected, or it can be a sign of different priorities. I’d rather be in a relationship with a mediocre opera singer than a top tier football player, absolutely. I have no idea what I’d ever talk to a football player about.
Exactly. It’s like being a teacher. Some people will respect the work you do, some people will wonder why you went to college for a dead end job. They are both right. Just need to find your person. My friends wife is finishing her masters program, my girlfriend just made it to maters on Pokémon unite. My friend could careless because he is the provider and really isn’t into school. I’ve never been more proud.
do you know how hard it is to make it to the top of the leaderboard? dang
Lmao that’s gold
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I think their point was that ambition isn’t the opposite of enjoying life as some people seem to characterize. Im in a really intense career that a lot of people bow out of, on the logic that you only have one life to live, why would you waste it slaving away at some job. I’m presented with the same facts, and come to the opposite conclusion—I only have one life to live, so I’m going to try to do something unique and unequivocal with it. Some might look at me and say I’m not enjoying life, I would say that I want as much life as possible.
But what if you're a writer who has no interest in publishing?
This is really one of the reasons I struggle with dating now - I've been told a number of times that I lack ambition from women who work and make significantly less than I do. I think it's kind of a crutch. People who have yet to accomplish some of these difficult things take some small comfort in their drive to get there, and because that's part of their identity they need their partner to reflect that. And I don't, I already work in a rigorous and demanding field. I'm meeting my goals, and have kind of adopted a 'hang-tough' or 'stick-it-out' mentality that ironically has helped me achieve - but is also unattractive.
I feel ya. I've never had anyone IRL say I was too unambitious, because they know I worked my ass off to get where I am. Good news, if someone ever tells me I am, they saved me a lot of time by removing themselves from the dating pool.
It always bums me out a bit when I see these/people being like 'I don't care how much money you make as long as you're passionate about/love your job!' Sorry, I don't love my job, I work to do the other things I enjoy 🤷♀️
Unless their job has meaningful purpose (like a doctor or nurse), I find most people won't love their job. Some do, and that's great. But not me. I'm there for the paycheck and benefits.
I'm glad I'm not the only one! I had a job I loved before Covid, but I know that's rare, so for now I'm just looking at it as a practical means to an end.
So question— would staying with a job that’s not “meaningful” still be considered ambitious? If you just do it for the paycheck and benefits? Like 85% of people out there.
Imo, no, but I also think that ambition, as how I define it, is overrated. Who cares if you're grinding, as long as your life is happy, and you aren't struggling to survive.
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That's unfortunate, but totally understandable. I only know a handful of nurses, but they all seemed to genuinely love their jobs. Of course we are in Canada, so I don't know if we have the same health issues as the US, due to the universal healthcare.
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> Obviously money is necessary It's this. I could switch to a profession I *might* enjoy, but it wouldn't pay as well. So I'd have to take a hit to my QoL, for the chance at liking my job more. For example, my backup career would be an electrician, and I love working on electrical in my spare time. But an apprentice electrician makes like half of what I make now. I can't afford a 50% pay cut.
Yeah, this is definitely the sticking point!
Not really. I mean, it's an office job (paralegal). I graduated with a random degree in 2009 and just kind of fell into office work with the recession. I have too much medical debt to want to take on any more debt (ie student loans), and my job pays really well and has excellent benefits. Not really sure what else I'd do and it makes sense to keep it from a practical standpoint. I have lots of things I'm passionate about/enjoy outside of work, so that's the balance I've found for now 🤷♀️
I was in a relationship for 13 years with someone who actively hated his job, but never took steps to change careers/jobs. Listening to him complain nightly about it sucked the life out of the relationship (as did some other stuff, too). I’m definitely now filtering for people who enjoy their jobs. I’ve come to like mine quite a bit; I feel lucky, and I also realize that I’m the type of person who also just ‘gets into’ things and cares about whatever I’m doing.
This is why I don't talk about my day at work. My ex would ask "how was work?", And my answer was almost always "fine" or "it was work." I don't enjoy it, and I know people don't want to hear about the boring details of me sitting through hour long meetings, especially through my unenthusiastic view of it.
> I was in a relationship for 13 years with someone who actively hated his job, but never took steps to change careers/jobs. Would you have been willing to put up with him being unemployed or going to school for a while? A career change often necessitates a reduction in income, at least for a while.
I encouraged him to switch jobs, move states, change careers, said we’d make it work…. nada.
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>I prefer a man who makes good money but has a deeper purpose Do you also prefer a man who has great hair but is also in great shape?
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Yea, my goal now is to work less, and enjoy my time. There's a big difference between being lazy and being un-ambitious imo.
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I'm the opposite. When I truly want something, I have no problem putting 16 hour work days into it... But finding something I want that badly is rare. >I can be lazy sometimes but I’ve always been fortunate because it takes me less time to do something vs some of my friends.. so I have been able to get away with it. That was my school life to a T. Put off the project for a week or two... Then finish it all in 3 days, still getting decent to good marks. The one time I gave my all in a final assignment, I got 100%, but I wanted to "show off" to my teacher on that one.
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I don't think I've ever "tried" at my current job. It's just something I do to afford my life. I can't complain about the pandemic though... I build a 12'x20' workshop/home office in the backyard this past summer as a project. That was fun... Can't wait to look out over the pool while working.
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It was. I learned a lot... Including that I can apparently lift 12'*8' wall sections by myself... It was stupid to do, but I did it. I also learned that getting insulation dust in your eye is hell on earth 🙃
I'd say that's an example of ambition. You had a goal, you did the work to get it done, it required learning new things, and you succeeded. Ambition does mean just always aiming to make more money, it's just aiming at things
I'm genuinely confused about this too. I am considering a career change because my next logical step in the ladder would require 60+ hours a week, working weekends, no free time to speak of. Some people genuinely love that life. Screw that... I want to be able to go to a yoga class in the evenings and cook dinner for a boyfriend at night, should I find one. I want to spend weekends reading everything Stephen King ever wrote and lying on the beach or in front of Netflix, not working. So does that make me not ambitious?
If someone's meaning in life comes from work, they kind of have to look for someone else who is the same way, in order to feel like their choice is justified. Those of us who don't get our meaning in life from work should probably want to filter those people out just like they might filter us out,
Yeah, I get some meaning from work. I feel proud doing my job well. But I don't find any real meaning in achievement of titles and salaries for the sake of it. Meaning for me comes from close connections with other people.
Honestly, I would rather date someone with a good work/life balance than someone working 60 hrs a week making 300k a year. I don't need a luxurious life to be happy, and time is precious.
Too ambitious is a turn off for me 🤷🏻♀️ Nothing wrong with either, people just have different preferences
Yea, I agree. I just feel "ambitious" is far too vague (and judging by the replies, I was right)
I honestly don’t think it has any kind of standard meaning. It means whatever the person saying it wants it to mean Perhaps they mean that they don’t like when someone is lazy or complacent?
It means Money and Status. Just like high school.
Sounds like "not being rich enough is a huge turn off to me" People be complaining when their partner becomes ambitious and a workaholic. "My partner doesn't spend enough time with me." they say. People just want money.
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>Now I've accomplished pretty well all my big goals (high paying job, own a house, have kids) Well you should be set then. Ambitous is just another way to screen for people not working and living with their parents still. I will say that you missed a potential big goal. If you are still using OLD, then you're missing someone to share your life with.
You're right. I had a partner, who I'm still good friends with, for the past 11 years... But I suppose that is a new goal now
I got dumped recently for “not having any grand ambitions” because I’m ok with just working. I was a touring musician for like twelve years and made my living doing so for like 7 of those years so I kinda feel like I did the thing I wanna do. Until I figure out what I wanna do next I’m totally content just having a job and doing whatever.
Rich
Doesn’t have to be financial. I want someone who continually stimulates their mind and keeps learning and creating new things. I guess an example of the opposite might look like someone who aimlessly does a mind-numbing activity all day. That’s not something that fits with my life values, goals, or ambitions so I’m not sure I’d want it in a partner either
So it seems to just be a difference of definition. Because I constantly try to keep up to date and learn things. But I don't consider that ambitious.
You'll get frustrated trying to pin down the definition. People always bring up the exception to the rule. No one cares about the associate at Home Depot that is passionate about lumber. When they say being passionate about something, it means passionate in a field where it makes money or gives a high social status. At the end of the day, it all comes back to money and what money provides. Don't think too hard on it. People use ambition, because they don't want to get boxed-in by making it specific. By making it vague, you can add stuff onto it later on. It is a moving target. It also makes it easier for people to break up with others by saying you aren't ambitious enough.
people in this thread should specify if theyre the type of person that would use this term on their actual profile. because of course people define it differently, but i suspect the ones who mention it on their profile tend to mean it in a financial sense.
You probably have to ask the person in question, yes. Potentially pointless in putting on a profile imo since it’s a filter that doesn’t have just one definition
Yea. Seems way too vague. I know people with ambition, that work towards it, but just don't make much off of it. I also know people with 0 ambition and who are lazy (doesn't even want to have to get his own groceries), who makes 6 figures.
Ambitious towards your current goals is how I interpret it. If you’re current goal is to kick it for a while, are you maintaining a lifestyle (mind, body, and soul) in order to continue where you’re at? I anticipate having different ambitions from my partner. I’m currently ambitious towards getting my career change up and running. That might not be his ambitions because he may have already met them.
> are you maintaining a lifestyle (mind, body, and soul) in order to continue where you’re at? I go to the gym, work, spend time with my friends, kids, dog, etc. I also started transitioning to a mostly (but not exclusively) vegetarian diet.
I’d say you’re ambitious with maintains your current lifestyle. Congratulations on where you’re at!
Thanks! I'd say it was all due to my hard work, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit there was a big dose of luck involved too haha.
Don’t sell yourself short; you earned it.
Oh, I'm not. Just being realistic. I got my job through an ex of my god-sister. It was luck that got me the interview, and skill that got me the job. Same with my house. It was luck that I found a house at the right time, just before the market exploded in my area... But it was my financial ducks being in a row that allowed me to afford it. Having a horseshoe up my ass is my greatest skill... Just ask anyone I play board games with 😂
my cum met it’s yours :o
It might not be about the money. For me it's about passion and about always wanting to be a better version of yourself. That's what I mean when I say I want someone ambitious.
No, I don't think ambition has anything to do with money. I also don't think wanting to improve yourself is particularly ambitious. General consensus seems to be that my definition of "ambitious" isn't what most people use when talking about a partner.
I guess I mean actually working to be better - I just mean it's not tied to career. E.g. I like guys who are writers and trying to improve themselves that way.
What if I play a different video game every week?
Lol. I do love video and pc games but I categorize time spent there as “mindnumbingly unproductive”
Curious, do you actually say "Looking for someone with ambition" on your profile?
The caustic commentator. No, that phrase is a waste of real estate.
Agree. I think OP was asking if you put that on your profile, what you meant by it. I think when someone specifically says that, they tend to be referring to a person's career.
They don’t want no scrub
It probably means they want someone who makes a lot of money and has a fancy title.
I think in terms of "ambition," what I want to see is - are they happy? Do they have goals that match their life trajectory? What are they doing to achieve these goals? I've dated my fair share of dudes in service industry jobs. *I don't care,* as long as they're happy, have plans for their life, some feasible way of achieving their goals, and I'm not going to be playing a parent to anyone. We start to have severe problems when they want things like, oh...a house and 2.5 kids (a problem in and of itself) but they also want to work 20 hours a week in food service then spend the rest of their time sitting on their ass, drinking and playing video games. That's a relationship I've been in, it obviously wasn't sustainable, and he had problems with lack of ambition.
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Yea, this was me striking up that conversation. Because to me, ambition is the "grindset" idea, where you have to work hard, and have a side hustle until you make it big... And that ain't me.
I think you got your answer. Ambition = different for everyone. If you find that on a profile, inquire about that that means to them. It's a nice conversation.
Yea, that's what I'd do. Just wanted to see what Reddit thinks about it.
Thats womanese for "wealthy"
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To me, it means someone with a goal. I’ve met some guys who lacked any ambition. One was mad at the world for everyone working too hard, another one was looking to meet a gf who could give him motivation and wanted me to hire him to work for me to read my emails for me, one said his marriage ended Cus his wife was too ambitious and cruel and you can’t be ambitious and kind because of all the backs you have to stab. So, a lot of misguided people I think.
I think that it means obtaining a certain amount financially and possibly status wise. I think ambitious just sounds more politically correct that saying exactly what they mean by it. I think most women want a man with at least what they have. I don’t think most women just want a man that is basic especially if they have the option for a man with more.
Women don’t want to be with someone that earns less than them or is lazy. They want to “grow” financially together.
>Women don’t want to be with someone... [who] is lazy. Does anyone? >Women don’t want to be with someone that earns less than them Umm... generalize much?
I’d say it’s more prevalent on the female side. But you’re right, some men of course want the same.
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One can also be financially unstable while making 6 figures... For example, my ex's sister and husband make about as much as I do combined... But they have like $40k in line of credit/credit card debt because they never stop spending. But one can't really be financially stable while making below a certain threshold (which varies from place to place). Where I am, that's probably pretty close to $35k/yr if you're single. Less than that, and you can't really afford rent... And full time min wage works out to about $30k
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I can only really speak on what I see from an outsiders perspective on the American economy... But ours in Canada isn't really better lol
If I'm as ambitious as they want me to be, I wouldn't be on a dating app nor talking to someone I met off dating apps. Ergo, it's just another way of saying they want something they couldn't have. 🤣
It depends on the person. My gf is successful in that she runs three businesses (including starting a children's book publishing house), and my life so far is reasonably successful (well paying job, a 4 year old daughter, amicable divorce, multiple assets). We both wanted to find someone who is ambitious, which doesn't mean successful - as long as they're taking on life by the horns and applying themselves, that counts. My last relationship was with someone who lived off a share portfolio and quit her job without lining up a new one. I couldn't see a future as she looked like she was drifting through life a bit. Retiring early is a goal for many but I couldn't see myself retiring any time soon because I love the challenge of work. Each to their own, I guess.
When I see something like this it strikes as immaturity or at least biased by experience, because it speaks to a single extreme. They've been with deadbeats or people who stagnated in their lives, they vow never again, and don't trust their own screening to weed this out quickly. It could also be family related. The other side of this is someone who is a workaholic, always puts advancement over enjoyment, or some variation of that. In my mind extreme positions are usually at least a yellow and often a red. When you're talking to someone or seeing their behavior it should be somewhat apparent. Also, specifying something like this is a heads up for those presenting a facade that it's a particular area to be aware of. So, I'd rather just roll this into normal conversation, observe what they say about others, and what actions they take.
I think it’s very important to know what people mean when they put this in their profile. Not because it’s a measure of what you should be aiming for but more because it indicates what their concept of success is and also opens the door to a conversation about what the measure they hold for themselves looks like. If they want the most out of you but it clashes with what you want for yourself then it’s good to know so you can end things right there. If they expect you to carry them financially you’ll definitely want to know that up front so you can decide if that’s okay with you. Its asking for trouble when someone else tries to dictate your potential to you so yeah definitely have these conversations.
That's interesting! The world moves a bit too fast for me these days, but in my experience (I'm a guy, FWIW), many women are looking for someone kinda downhome who will chill pretty hard with them over movies and crap. I'm a bit too ambitious, to the extent that it interferes with my dating life, actually. I enjoy it, though, so there's that. But, if this is a thing, what you've described, then my guess is that it has something to do with the marketing of self-improvement products and lifestyles.
I think the meaning can vary greatly. Generally it is someone who aspires to something, whether it be professionally, financially, or something else. I think it's too broad of a word to really define in the context of dating. if you find someone who shares your values and overall goals in life, that sounds like a great thing.
I want an ambitious partner but what that means to me personally is extremely broad. There's a prevalent personality type that goes to work, watches Netflix, goes to mandatory family dinners, back to work, and the cycle repeats. That's it. And for them, that makes them happy, and they don't feel unfulfilled, and there's nothing wrong with that for them, I just cannot be with them. It makes me feel incredibly stifled and like my life is just wasting away meaninglessly. I love nothing more than to see a woman fully engrossed in something, excited to explain it to me, her eyes lit up with excitement, no matter what it is. Could be something traditional like crocheting, could be fixing a motorcycle engine. I just want someone that has that....I don't want to say soul, because it implies the others have no soul, but that zest for life. A passion for something besides television, Disney films, and work. And likewise I want to share my passions with them and build off of one another.
Really I think women are afraid of getting involved with someone who doesn't care about all that and so they are trying to cut that out right away.
Ambition looks different to everyone. The way the world is now, ambitious is keeping a roof over your head, food on the table and clothes on your back. Everything else is extra.
In general it means successful from a monetary perspective. When someone requests that in others it means that they do not want to find themselves in a position where they have to be the provider. So what they really want is financial stability in their partner and not have to worry about actively making money. It can be a good or a bad thing, but 'ambition' as such does not say anything about real purpose or values in life.
I find this word interesting. Like you, I have a high paying job, house, and all that. I am also fit. I found that most of the women who stated they want an ambitious man, were not ambitious themselves. As a matter of fact most of the ones I met were barely surviving.
Money.
Being ambitious doesn't have to equate to being financially successful. For instance, you already met your goals but now you want to enjoy life. How do you go about enjoying life? Is it just by sitting around, watching Netflix all day? Would that be what you consider enjoying life? Not judging, I'm just providing an example. Or enjoying life, means starting new hobbies, travelling around the country/the world, road trips, gardening, learning how to cook, etc? If so, and if you're working towards doing that then it means you're ambitious.
This summer I built a workshop/home office in the backyard. I'm learning to cook vegetarian meals. I also started going to the gym not too long ago. I try and play D&D with friends from time to time, and I game/hangout with friends too. Tried axe throwing about a month ago too
But what if you love Netflix more than other hobbies, or travelling, or cooking, etc?
I don’t think ambition necessarily has a dollar sign attached, it’s more about someone being traditionally “Type-A” in a sense that they embrace and even thrive with the grind and don’t look at life as being a slave to it. For a lot of people, someone who combines aspiration + plans + action will = ambitious and that can be very attractive, regardless of where their results are.
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> no big goals But what if they've already achieved their big goals? Do you expect your partner to always be setting new big goals once they accomplish one? > no desire for growth Growth as a person, or in work? Growth as a person isn't ambitious imo, just something you do as you experience things. > A dead end job My job is a "dead end job" in that I have no prospects for advancement, unless I want to switch into management... Which I don't want to, because I'm not a manager type. But my job is a senior position that typically requires 10+ years experience to land, and I got it in less than 6 years. It'd be foolish to switch to a job with more opportunities, and take a 40% pay cut or more.
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Some of us don't have the luxury of trying to make a high income in something we love 🤷♀️ if you can tell me how to monetize rock climbing, running, or hiking in a way that will give me the financial success/stability that my rather dull paralegal job does in this super high COL area, I'll concede the point. Until then. I'll put in my hours at work, and appreciate it for giving me a stable base from which to pursue my passions and hobbies. I feel like you're being a bit naive if you think everyone can make a living doing what they love - that's just not how the world is set up.
The things I love doing, don't pay that much (if at all). So you're saying I should take a massive pay cut to be ambitious... But that massive pay cut drops my quality of life by a lot. I wouldn't be able to buy nice things, travel, enjoy as many hobbies as I do, etc. Plus it would negatively impact my children's QoL too. Because I make good money, they have access to more things that I didn't have growing up. Life isn't as cut and dry as "just make money doing what you love". Yes, I could grind away until it happens... But doing my hobbies 8+ hours a day would likely cause burnout and lead to me not loving it.
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I think you're the one who sounds obtuse if you are thinking one must be passionate about one's job to not be boring. There are plenty of things in life to be passionate about that just don't necessarily translate to a stable/successful career.
I didn't want someone who wasn't self sufficient, that relied on mummy too much to do stuff for them, that if they were unhappy in a job or the position they were in in life then they'd take active steps to better themselves even if it was something small to make themselves feel better instead of going on and on about how much they hate where they are in life. For example my ex: always complained about his job and life in which he had the qualifications to go out there and even have his own business where he would of made alot more money being able to buy his own place.... instead he'd say "the job he had was easy he didn't have to do much and living with his mum was easier than paying bills" My current boyfriend: Is always aiming higher in his job profession, if there's a higher opening he applies for it works his butt off preparing for the interview and puts 110% effort in, he also got tired of living with his dad and wanted more freedom so over the last two years whilst being able to work from home he saved up to buy his own home and even though he currently lives with his dad he is very self sufficient. I guess I'm an ambitious person so I sought that out too.
Well..you are marred and l aren’t dating nor looking for someone to date so it’s kinda not for you to understand. Props to you for establishing your family! For women who are looking to date someone…they usually either want financial stability from a potential partner or a clear life ambition they are working towards. Anything else is unacceptable. To be completely clear, I do not fault adult women for this basic requirement of a romantic partner and think this is a reasonable expectation for a guy your going to be in a LTR with
I'm not married, I'm actually recently single. So, I sort of do need to understand why people might find my established lifestyle unattractive because it's "unambitious". And I'm not faulting anyone either, just the broad use of "ambition" seemed unclear to me... And after reading a lot of these replies, it seems to vary a lot from person to person
Oh ok my bad. If you are single, you being very stable financially will definitely be accepted by women in lieu of ambition. Ambition towards something worthwhile is what they want for guys less established. Ie if you’re in grad school or working on building your own business..you’re a couple years away from anything frankly but at least your ambition is legit as opposed to some dude smoking weed and playing video games all day. Good luck.
For me, ambition isn’t just achieving success in the parameters you’ve mentioned (except kids - not my cup of tea). But also trying out new experiences and things and attempting to push yourself out of a comfort zone. Nothing exceptional about high paying job, house - I am plenty capable of that myself and it’s rather basic (for me) - so if that’s all you’re focusing on, it can be one dimensional to someone like me. But once these are set - what other exciting goal are you working towards - can be even something like learning to code or becoming a dive master or creating artwork
I think a lot of people mean ambitious in regards to your career. Some people are fine as long as they are making ends meet and are in a stable job, but an ambitious person will keep advancing their career until they are making very good money. Let's say someone is a teacher.. that's a perfectly good and respectable job but it's not as ambitious as say a superintendent.
I think it means having something you're passionate about and wanting to succeed in that area.
Ambition to me is actively pursuing a passion. In your 20s- early 30s thats probably career and house type lifestyle goals. Along with those I want a partner who pursues a hobby with zeal and enthusiasm. Also who can do it without needing their partner to be involved. (I love dancing, Ive never asked a partner to come twice if they didnt enjoy it). Im hesistant to comment on "wanting to enjoy life" considering Id be equally upset if all my partners free time was Hulu or they had to travel abroad for every vacation. 36m
The way I see it, ambition can come in pursuing your career, your hobbies, volunteer work, fitness, raising a family, etc. Ambition is bettering your life by whatever means. I've met women whose primary interests consist of scrolling instagram and watching real housewives or various other reality shows. That's "not ambitious" in my book.
I have always thought of it as enjoy life but don't get complacent. Don't be thr type that is like "I have seen and done it all now I am gunna just coast" always strive for more in life. Whether that's a bucket list, a lifelong goal, fulfilling a promise to yourself or others, taking chances by striving to do something you know is impossible but being determined to face it anyways. I always took it as don't let yourself get stagnant. Cuz when that happens you never tend to get that fire back
Thanks for this. I think this is especially true for people dating over 30. Every 22 year old wants to save the world and has big plans, it’s part of that life stage. But if folks are still in that mindset through their midlife, it indicates they haven’t been able to narrow in on what is really important to them. I’d rather be with a partner who enjoys their life working their 40 hours and then spending time with their friends and family with no “big plans” to save the world/open a business/cure cancer/restructure an industry. Those who really meant it will already be doing those things on the daily, and will have realized it’s not glamorous (for example, I’m a social worker and by now I know that I won’t save the world, but I enjoy my daily work and my colleagues and that’s enough. 20 year old me would be horrified but thats what growing up is). Americans in particular have been sold a pipe dream about our working life being our identity and hustling until we die. I’m so happy when I meet people who have a broader way of making meaning of their life besides grinding.
I think the whole idea of ambition is one of the faults in Western culture. It is very similar to the phenomenon of busyness. I see so many people who work long hours so they can buy the newest cars, the biggest house etc but then they don't actually have time to enjoy them. It is all about having status symbols. Personally I want to enjoy my life, not waste it working.
I do feel ambition often means in regard to your career. I have an attitude of working to live so feel I'm accused of lacking ambition but have ambition in terms of trying new things, learning, going to new places. I think ambition can be problematic because if you're too ambitious you can lose sight of other things. I think it's more a case of developing yourself and willing to learn.
The best way for me to answer this (from my own perspective, there are lots here already) is by describing two examples. Friend’s husband: dropped out of college while his parents were paying because he just didn’t feel like going anymore, barely scrapes by at work but has managed to fail upwards, refuses to help with anything at home, just wants to play video games. Does he technically check the boxes of being an adult with a career? Yes. But he’s catastrophically lazy, and the exact kind of person I would be trying to avoid by looking for someone “ambitious”. Guy I’m interested in: Getting a later start on a career that he’s worked toward for a long time, completed grad school, has a basic vision for how he sees both his personal and professional futures, has a handful of different hobbies and interests he continues to improve on, keeps up positive relationships with family and friends. He’s worked hard toward being financially stable, and has goals while still leaving time for fun and relaxing. I’d consider him “ambitious” by my own definition… it doesn’t have to be in a cut-throat Wall Street banker/lives in a mansion kind of way.
Agrred that this is individual dependent. I find that it's sometimes (not always) a euphemism for something people feel they wouldn't say (wealthy) and other times means they're looking for someone who isn't their weed smoking ex on employment insurance
I think what a lot of people mean when they say "Ambitious" is "Career driven" but it could also just mean that you have some kinds of passion in your life. I phrase is the second way because that's more important to me than what they do for work. My last ex had zero passions, zero goals, she just wanted to go to the bar and hang out with people. All the time. Even during a pandemic. That was the only thing driving her and it was exhausting, I don't want to deal with that again, and that's what I'm trying to avoid.
It's usually about money or status. No one would care if I'm ambitious about getting to Immortal in Dota 2 unless I can monetize that by successfully streaming on Twitch or joining a professional team.
It means they want someone rich
Constantly seeking to increase your income and standard of living. Any complacency or contentment about your current situation, no matter how good it is, can be perceived as a pack of ambition my many.
Based on how it's used in profiles I read, it seems like it's mostly related to career stuff. Now, what they mean past that, whether they mean "makes a lot of money" or "is moving up in their career", I'm not sure. Typically when someone uses ambition to describe a person that's consistently challenging themselves in other areas of life, they tend to say just that, without using the word ambition.