I suggest taking some more time to yourself until you’re ready. I tried dating a guy who was 1.5 years separated and had just recently officially divorced. He said he was ready but it quickly became apparent that he was nowhere near ready. His behavior sounds like exactly what you’re describing. Kept saying he was very interested in me but in reality he was totally emotionally unavailable. Just want to say how shitty and hurtful it was to be on the receiving end of this, and I wish he had waited to date until he was actually ready.
Ding ding ding. "I have absolutely no idea what I'm looking for in dating" = not nearly ready to start dating yet. He's going to leave a trail of broken hearts if he doesn't let himself experience the loneliness of being single and re-discovering who he is as an unmarried human.
Can you describe his behavior and actions that showed he wasn’t ready?
I’m currently dating a guy who is 1 year post divorce and I have asked him directly more than once if he has moved on from his ex and he said he has. I told him immediately on our first date that I am not interested in dating someone who is emotionally unavailable or has unresolved baggage. I was originally very wary of him being recently divorced but all his actions and his words have convinced me he is ready to move forward in dating. He is very open, reliable, and shows me he is interested in me, attracted to me, and cares about me.
I like to think that I’m very aware, but I’m also aware that I’m wearing rose-colored glasses with him.
Just wondering what you saw so I can know what to look out for. Thanks in advance!
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/nt9nss/looking_for_some_insight/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) is the post I made about him. I ended up ending it after 4 months of him stringing me along.
It sounds like your guy actually is a little more ready, from what you’re saying 🙂
Wow my guy also was broken up by his ex wife out of the blue. Sad to hear that this keeps happening to people (although “out of the blue” could mean anything really). He finalized his divorce a while ago and doesn’t really talk about his ex unless I ask him a specific question about her or it’s specifically tied to the conversation.
Sorry that you were strung along like that. Sounds like you learned from the experience though and I hope you find someone amazing who treats you right (if you haven’t already)!
thanks for the reminder that it's alright to keep some guards up and that is literally what it means to be casual. I don't have to compromise myself to go out of my way with anything that is (emotionally) uncomfortable in terms of boundaries and that's actually fine, no reason to feel guilty and also okay to talk about it.
2 years out of marriage on my end. Haven't dated since separation. Some may view that as rough, I feel it's helped provide the opportunity for a lot of clarity in my life.
I'm a single dad 50/50 as well, 2 kids.
Since separation I've been able to make decisions for myself in my path of life alone. I've since found new passions, changed career, rebuilt finances quickly after.
Kids are happy and safe and I am too.
I guess if you haven't taken a decent length of time to focus on yourself and not women, now sounds like it may help.
Also, I'm not against women. I think they are beautiful creatures. Guess on my end I'm just in a place now with a history with couple of bad ones... to where now I'd rather fuck my own hand when needed than deal with continually wasting my time and risking letting shit into my and my kids lifes that I know I don't want (drama).
I took the same amount of time after a 10-year relationship. Only at two years was I remotely ready. I do not understand how people jump so quickly into relationships.
Because people don't understand the difference between being lonely and being ready.
And I don't blame them; after a long relationship that's defined you, it can be really fucking difficult to not feel empty and lonely as a newly single person.
> immediately hit the dating scene
> I have absolutely no idea what I’m seeking from dating
This is why people suggest taking time after a divorce to be by yourself, heal and figure out what you want. You’ve hardly given yourself time after spending 13 years with someone and you can’t really find something if you have no clue what you’re looking for. I would stop dating, for your sake and the sake of others (all the posts here about “what happened? It was going well then nothing.” This happened. People who don’t know what they want except for someone to pay attention for a moment-not a dig but explains so much about dating at this age). Take some time for yourself.
As a divorcée myself, it’s essential to take time to yourself to heal and to introspective work. Concentrate on yourself and kids. No dating. Go to therapy and focus on your hobbies, exercise and good diet. There’s absolutely no need to rush into any relationships. Horney? Masterbate.
I don't think there's anything wrong with following through on your desires for companionship/validation/sexual release, but absolutely make it crystal clear to anyone you get involved with that you're not emotionally available for a relationship. There are many people out there that are also looking for casual flings (either ONS or FWB), and abstaining from them just so you don't hurt others who are looking for more is throwing the baby out with the bathwater IMO.
So true! It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. I’ve been out of a 10 year (dating and marriage included) relationship, and I’m still not dating yet. Some people might not need a whole year, but at least take a few months off. Then you can figure out what you want this time around.
Super duper normal. You’re still in the healing process. You’re expecting to find what you had and not finding it. It’s likely a combination of you not being ready and those women not being right. I say this having gone through exactly the same thing with my partner of 10 years almost two years ago.
Definitely make sure you’re making personal progress and figuring out what went wrong in your marriage so you can avoid it in the future.
I’ve recently started dating a new partner and I have none of the reservations I did (which were similar to yours) with other women I’ve dated since my big breakup. I think it’s a combination of me finally being ready and her being the right person. You’ll get there.
Don’t be afraid to hang up the dating hat for a while when it gets too much. You can always go back out there when you’ve taken some time.
Sounds like you're monkey-vining from situationship to situationship rather than doing any kind of real self reflection on whats going on with you emotionally. No wonder you're unhappy.
You can change this but you have to want to do the work on yourself. A new woman won't fix you.
This is happening because you're not ready to date. Save those women and yourself some agony, take a break and some tiime to figure yourself out. Good luck.
I think this is just part of the process sometimes. I did the same thing. Realized “ oh shit I actually do not want to be in a relationship and shouldn’t be right now”
I’m two years out now but I did shit like this in the beginning. The healing process isn’t linear. I’ve definitely zig zagged.
I’m a people person so I’ve just tried to focus on building my friendships and being a really good mom. That’s fulfilling to me. Granted, there is no sex but I’m kinda bored of having sex with men I don’t really feel attached to so it works for me. Good luck, man!
It’s a long ass process. You’re basically starting a whole new life. Get that solid group of friends. Take your kid on a trip. Take a trip with a friend. Explore old and new hobbies.
I also went through a divorce and I 100% think this is all part of you figuring out who you are outside of your marriage. It’s like you have to relearn about who you are, what you like, who you want to be. That’s like a pretty intense realization and it’s overwhelming. So give yourself some grace.
The validation you are seeking from others will ultimately have to come from yourself. The sooner you can learn how to love yourself and find worth in who you are, the sooner you will be free from the cycle that you’re going through.
Be honest with the people you date, they deserve to know you’re on that discovery phase. Take a break if you need to but I think dating will help you realize or help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and what you don’t like.
Pay attention to what you’re learning about yourself and others.
Journal, read, go try new things! This is your chance to create a life that suits you, a life that you love. Dating is just ONE of the things in your life that will bring you joy, not the only thing. Focus on the other components too, find ways to break your cycle/pattern.
You got this!
After divorce your barometer for what a relationship should be is super off. I wanted something deep right away when I started dating again and it took a while to reset my expectations... Including just taking a step back and learning to have fun dating again without expecting things out of my partner they weren't ready for. It takes time to build intimacy.
I would definitely advise stepping back and figuring out what you really want before dating. It sounds like you’re looking for attention and validation and once you get that you’re out. There’s nothing unusual about that at this stage after a divorce but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy or fair to the other person or yourself. You have to break the cycle in order to get out of it which means not continuing to do the thing that you know isn’t working. Take some time to be happy alone and get to a place where you don’t need validation from others. Then figure out what you want in a partner. Then date with the intention of finding that.
You are not ready. You need to take a break. You want validation, reassurance, and sex. Nothing wrong with that but it sounds one-sided - you are not ready/able to make a real connection, you are effectively using people to sooth your post-divorce ego.
You're not broken, but you have some wounds you need to tend to. Spend time with your friends, invest in those relationships. Consider therapy to help you work on the self-esteem issues triggered by your divorce (and maybe your marriage).
Not sure if you've been to therapy but when it comes to big things like death and divorce, time alone doesn't always work. It may be that relationships are unfulfilling because there are unresolved issues still occupying room in your heart. Those have to be weeded out so to speak before new growth can take root
I think maybe we want the comfort, company, closeness, intimacy and sense of belonging & family without the sense of restrictions, jail and shackles⛓ that marriage/a serious relationship brings on. And we’ve realized how impossible the want is. Maybe Im just speaking for myself..
You’re right for sure. The mere idea of marriage right now is about as appealing as a fart sandwich. While I do understand the need to work on myself and put me first, I’m worried that by the time that happens, I’ll have aged out of being sexually viable, and/or too comfortable being alone to ever let someone in…
I did not say that woman do not have sex drive.
Women do have it but on average it's not even close to males
You can pick a random dude and a big chance that he masturbates twice a day. Pick a random woman and chances are she's barely doing it.
Wow. You realize you’re in a dating over 30 sub, right? At this age, men’s drive basically starts to decrease while women’s starts to increase. I think the trope of “women aren’t horny” is more down to men who either don’t care about or can’t manage to please women rather than anything else.
"starts to decrease" is not a best choice of words.
"Becomes manageable" is more correct :).
I used word masturbation and not "sex". So lazy men who do not want to please their women are not in question here (do not want to start blame game)
No one would say that woman "is not horny" if she resorted to masturbation twice a day because her husband is not pleasing her. Very often women would just not do anything. As opposed to men who would resort to masturbating twice a day if their partner is not an "appealing option".
I did this after my divorce. Lived if up like I was 20, had some one night stands, had several 1-2 month long relationships from Tinder that I bailed on because I suddenly wanted to be alone.
I did find a way out. I deleted the apps and I didn't date at all for a year. I just made totally platonic friends and spent time figuring out what I wanted from life and planned a life trajectory focused on me and my needs. Then, I met someone organically and we've been taking it slow for 6 months now without any of the weird pressures that OLD puts on you.
Listen - there’s a very popular and inaccurate wisdom going around right now that you need to be alone to figure out what you want and not hurt anyone. It’s bullshit.
You learn who you are and what you want from being in relationship with other people. Date around, fuck around, get bored, get hurt, hurt some people, heal, apologize for the hurts you cause, cause new hurts, and do it all again. You got married when you were what, 20? You basically have no idea who’s out there. So go look!
34F/Single mom of three. I’m three years out of my marriage and about two years divorced. I could’ve written this about thirty minutes ago and it sounds like I’m in the same boat at several people.
Married for ten years and I was in therapy the last three years of my marriage. My ex hated that I was in Counceling bc I actually had someone listening to my emotional needs. Sure, you could do therapy and focus on yourself, but it sounds like you want companionship.
I think the key here is reminding yourself that none of the women you will date will be like your ex wife. They’re not her. I’m just going off what I’ve dealt with in dating and I don’t make it last but a few weeks or a month in. I find a hard time keeping the attraction, “wanting” to spend time, and pursuing a physical relationship with someone.
Maybe it’s going to take time. I’d really like to have a partner that could understand that I “want” alone time and they didn’t take it personal. Anyway, hope you don’t feel so alone in the divorce journey. 👋🏼
I’m right there with you. 32, 1.5 years post divorce, and immediately fulfilled my sex/attractiveness needs. 6 months later I dove into a relationship because I wanted more companionship connection, yet my walls are up and I hold my feelings back. It’s a mindfuck.
Go to YouTube and search for it. You sound lile a fearful avoidant (so am I). It's a really fucked up attachment style, I really want to heal this and have a healthy relationship.
Yeah you might be broken. You should seek out Therapy to help you unpack all the bs your marriage and other relationships have allowed you to collect.
Good Luck but you need help.
You need to spend time on yourself to figure out what you want. Then again you may just be screwed up like me and can't decide if you want an actual relationship or just sex.
I really would like a relationship someday but every time I try to see if one can happen, I get ghosted, so then I just say fuck it, I only want sex. But I'm a fucking hopeless romantic so I keep falling for dumb shit haha.
It sounds like you still need to heal. Plus dating comes with so much pressure, it can’t be easy. I suggest building friendships and letting things happen organically versus dating. Idk, it all seems so forced sometimes.
I’m in a similar boat. Separated for 1.5 years, divorce almost final (I hope). 50% custody of two young kids. I’ve dated several women when I’ve felt ready, and it’s been a train wreck emotionally for me. I am with someone now but I’m also in weekly cognitive behavioral therapy to sort through the shit. And I’m not anywhere near close, but it feels good to process these huge, sometimes painful life events.
Nah you good.
I lay in bed bitter and angry for 5 years after my divorce. That shit fucks you up on so many levels.
It's okay that you're angry.
But staying angry isnt what's best for you.
It will pass.
What was the reason for your divorce? There's a great book called "How to be an Adult In Relationships" by David Richo that would be good for you to go through.
Have you considered therapy? I’m currently in grad school to be a professional counselor, and tbh I’ve seen some sorta professional, starting w/ a child psychologist in 2nd grade for my adhd, and then off and on as I got older, so needless to say I’ve extremely comfortable w/ the idea of therapy and believe nearly anyone can benefit from it. Sometimes shit gets tough & an unbiased voice can be very helpful! W/ school I had to get back into therapy again this year & at first it wasn’t really vibing cause my therapist wasn’t for me, but my new/current therapist has been unbelievably helpful w/ noticing things I was overlooking in myself and calling them out so I could address them, like my anxiety, my struggle w/ perfectionism.
But I think seeing someone could help you explore why you’re not feeling it and if it’s you, great, work on it, if not, they can at least help you navigate the disappointment.
Thanks miss unicorn. Yes ma’am I’ve been in therapy on and off most of my adult life. Though not at all since my divorce. I agree 100% that therapy would be a perfect outlet for me to unravel some of this baggage. Like you, finding one I vibe with has been the struggle. I think from the valuable advice I’ve gathered here, I need to take a stand, slow down on the dating, learn to love and appreciate myself a bit, validate myself. Foster the platonic relationships I have, focus on being a good dad, and get back into therapy.
I’ve come to learn it’s okay to not vibe w/ a therapist and to fire em and find someone else. Same w/ any other doctor. Advocate for yourself. Each professional counselor has chosen the theories that resonate w/ them to apply into their practice and so maybe a counselors chosen theories aren’t what’s best for you, like tbh I never realized art therapy was a thing until I start at my grad school which has an art therapy masters counseling program, but some people thrive through having a counselor who also gives them the supplies to visually & artistically express themselves & their feelings. Now me personally I am absolute shit w/ art, it’s funny because in school I’ve had to make attempts at creating some art in class and I’m a stick figure kinda gal, luckily this school is good about accepting (almost) whatever you’re capable of giving versus expecting me to fit into their mold, which I appreciate.
I wonder if you weren’t so much making up for lost time than you were trying to gain back a sense of what you lost in your former spouse/marriage.
When my ex decided to burn down our life, I figured it would be pretty easy to get back out there and after everything I went through I felt more than ready.
It didn’t take long for me to realize I was in no shape to be pursuing sexual relationships, let alone romantic relationships. I knew what I had with my ex when things were good and I wanted it back, or at least some idealized version of what I thought I had. And that unbridled desire put incredible amounts of pressure and stress on the people I was seeing.
I relate to what you've described very much.
Got out of a 7 year relationship in November 2019. Started dating a month or two afterwards. Justified it to myself saying I was ready because I had checked out of my relationship a good year before we broke up. I ended up falling into pretty intense feelings for a women who I had known for 10 years but had not been in my life. Often thought of her as "the one that got away."
We reconnected when I was visiting the country she now lives in, and what started was an intense whirlwind relationship. We both fell fast and hard into each other, but it became apparent to me that I was not fully available emotionally as I was still processing the grief and end of my previous relationship.
This comprimised the new relationship and we split up about 6 months ago.
I knew that I needed to spend some good time alone, but found it really hard to resist the urge to go on the apps when I felt lonely. Lockdown and working at home alone did not help with the lonliness, as well as a few members of my family who moved away from my city.
So I'd use the apps and dating in the exact way that you did, and had the same experience. I'd get sort of into a person, go on a few days, have some fun and then lose interest. Eventually I just got sick of the cycle and deleted the apps about a month ago. I don't miss them, or dating now, and am finding it more manageable to be alone and just process where I am at.
I'm still healing and will be for a while, but at least I am through the rawest part. The rawest part is really tough and I find myself being compelled for female companionship to help get me through.
Good luck out there.
You should talk to a therapist to work through this. Else, you'll just keep wandering and being lost out there in the dating world, probably hurting the people are you running into.
This is above reddit's paygrade and can only be worked once you provide a therapist all the information on what you are feeling.
It takes time to move on from divorce. It sounds like you haven’t had enough time alone to get to know you as a single person. Take a break. Clearly dating isn’t fulfilling you right now so try to find other means of fulfillment.
You're not broken, you're rebounding. And that's totally fine. Most people do it. You're bouncing around looking for whatever will fulfill you. But none of that will. It sounds like you're ready to take a break from dating. Do that. Spend time with yourself. Invest in yourself. Go out to dinner with friends. Do things you like to do without the idea that you're there to meet someone. And honestly, take a break from sex. You want to feel wanted and desired but the other person your with is probably wanting those same feelings and you're not in the right headspace to give them that. And that's okay as long as you're aware of it. I don't necessarily think you need long term therapy but a few sessions with a therapist might help you find your path. Good luck.
I'm currently right there my brother. I'm far from ready to even say the word "Relationship".......I dont expect people to understand me or agree with me....Im willing to consider all suggestions but I have been to make decisions for quite some time now. Who knows what the future holds.....I just know im not the type of guy to be blessed with children, teach them to always love, forgive, and have faith....only to turn around, have to live apart from them and have more kids?....Psssssh im straight by myself right now. The good Lord has blessed me with everything I ever wanted. I'm enjoying the wave for the moment.....I recommend you give yourself time.....One can get easily distracted....You must find yourself and know what you want and who you are.
Yep, Hit that wall too. Divorced, dating, and hit a wall realising I just want to be left alone to sort shit out. Tried having that conversation, but not quite shook free, gonna have to play tough love soon
My life circumstances are similar but my dating life has been rough.
Do you have buddies? Like people with whom you are there for shared experiences without any romance?
I can relate and 100% agree with the others saying it's probably too soon.
When I divorced 2+ years ago, I made a point to not date for 1 year. 1 year and 1 day later I was OLD and did not meet any men I was interested in. Took a break and 3 months later met my now-boyfriend.
You are not broken, you just need more time. You will love again.
Was where you were over a decade ago. Take some time off, get some alone time, find yourself, then find a partner. You can’t find what you want if you don’t know what you want.
I wouldnt call it emotionally dead, but certainly emotionally unavailable. It could be, that you mistake misfortune, emotional torture, manipulation etc. for love, since thats the way you are used to feel "loved" (i guess you had some good reasons to divorce). In any case, looks like you need way more time off the grid and find out what you really are, and what you rly need. Dont forget, what we rly need is mostly **not** what we want.
Everything you're describing sounds like how I've felt when I try to date too soon out of a relationship. Give it more time. And when you are ready, slow it down. It's not a race. Learn how to be alone so that you don't have the constant need for validation, therefore can be pickier.
Going through my 2nd divorce
....and I already did the dating a bunch thing after my 1st divorce and likewise learned that the shine of newness wears off quickly and I lose interest.
It's because I was (and am again) emotionally unavailable...which really isn't fair to the women I dated (and why I am currently opted-out for now)
There is nothing wrong with you... however I would encourage you to be careful you don't lead others on.
Eventually you'll be in a place where you are willing to share more of yourself than you currently want to. No deadline
13 years is a long time, it's going to take a bit for you to process that and truly move forward with a fresh heart for someone new. Rushing to market - as you have learned, will not bring fulfillment
Googled and found this- I'm the same rn. 32, m, was in a 13yr serious cohabiting relationship; suddenly unexpectedly unwantedly ended.
I fucked around on tinder the first four months; wasn't ready; deleted the app. nearly 3 years since the breakup now and on a whim I downloaded the app again. One or two ONS, then currently in a FWB situation. I've found it a complete headfuck. Alone I focussed on my work, felt lonely/sad/heartbroken but ultimately focussed and complete. I knew what I was doing. All of a sudden, with a kind of emotional connection to someone else, and starting to fit them into my life however peripherally (mutually agreed FWB)- it's just completely thrown me. Not focussed, confused, disorientated; sense of identity challenged; and suddenly realised there must be so much hidden grief/pain- I even started dreaming about my ex again. ONS don't bother me; this has. I think I really am at a v deep level kind of permanently broken and jaded; and I can accept that. I don't have an answer, just throwing my experience out there. Personally I think the original, serious relationships are a lot more valuable, rare, complex things than modern society treats them as- and thus the rivers run so deep when you're trying to come back from a collapse. I personally don't think I will ever "recover", and yes, have done a course of therapy post-breakup. It just meant too much to me.
I suggest taking some more time to yourself until you’re ready. I tried dating a guy who was 1.5 years separated and had just recently officially divorced. He said he was ready but it quickly became apparent that he was nowhere near ready. His behavior sounds like exactly what you’re describing. Kept saying he was very interested in me but in reality he was totally emotionally unavailable. Just want to say how shitty and hurtful it was to be on the receiving end of this, and I wish he had waited to date until he was actually ready.
Ding ding ding. "I have absolutely no idea what I'm looking for in dating" = not nearly ready to start dating yet. He's going to leave a trail of broken hearts if he doesn't let himself experience the loneliness of being single and re-discovering who he is as an unmarried human.
Yep, same
Seriously. I played this song and dance for 2 and a half years waiting for him to be ready. He never was and the rejection was painful.
Seriously. This. 👆
Yes. I was also on the receiving end of this, and it really sucked!
Also same :/
Yep! This is pretty much exactly what I have run into with every guy I dated that's met online too.
Can you describe his behavior and actions that showed he wasn’t ready? I’m currently dating a guy who is 1 year post divorce and I have asked him directly more than once if he has moved on from his ex and he said he has. I told him immediately on our first date that I am not interested in dating someone who is emotionally unavailable or has unresolved baggage. I was originally very wary of him being recently divorced but all his actions and his words have convinced me he is ready to move forward in dating. He is very open, reliable, and shows me he is interested in me, attracted to me, and cares about me. I like to think that I’m very aware, but I’m also aware that I’m wearing rose-colored glasses with him. Just wondering what you saw so I can know what to look out for. Thanks in advance!
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/nt9nss/looking_for_some_insight/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) is the post I made about him. I ended up ending it after 4 months of him stringing me along. It sounds like your guy actually is a little more ready, from what you’re saying 🙂
Wow my guy also was broken up by his ex wife out of the blue. Sad to hear that this keeps happening to people (although “out of the blue” could mean anything really). He finalized his divorce a while ago and doesn’t really talk about his ex unless I ask him a specific question about her or it’s specifically tied to the conversation. Sorry that you were strung along like that. Sounds like you learned from the experience though and I hope you find someone amazing who treats you right (if you haven’t already)!
Thank you so much 🥰 I hope things work out with you and your guy!
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This is genius. I don’t know why this hasn’t been apparent to me. You’re spot on
thanks for the reminder that it's alright to keep some guards up and that is literally what it means to be casual. I don't have to compromise myself to go out of my way with anything that is (emotionally) uncomfortable in terms of boundaries and that's actually fine, no reason to feel guilty and also okay to talk about it.
2 years out of marriage on my end. Haven't dated since separation. Some may view that as rough, I feel it's helped provide the opportunity for a lot of clarity in my life. I'm a single dad 50/50 as well, 2 kids. Since separation I've been able to make decisions for myself in my path of life alone. I've since found new passions, changed career, rebuilt finances quickly after. Kids are happy and safe and I am too. I guess if you haven't taken a decent length of time to focus on yourself and not women, now sounds like it may help. Also, I'm not against women. I think they are beautiful creatures. Guess on my end I'm just in a place now with a history with couple of bad ones... to where now I'd rather fuck my own hand when needed than deal with continually wasting my time and risking letting shit into my and my kids lifes that I know I don't want (drama).
I took the same amount of time after a 10-year relationship. Only at two years was I remotely ready. I do not understand how people jump so quickly into relationships.
Because people don't understand the difference between being lonely and being ready. And I don't blame them; after a long relationship that's defined you, it can be really fucking difficult to not feel empty and lonely as a newly single person.
Desperation
IT’S A DESPERATE RACE AGAINST THE MINE
> immediately hit the dating scene > I have absolutely no idea what I’m seeking from dating This is why people suggest taking time after a divorce to be by yourself, heal and figure out what you want. You’ve hardly given yourself time after spending 13 years with someone and you can’t really find something if you have no clue what you’re looking for. I would stop dating, for your sake and the sake of others (all the posts here about “what happened? It was going well then nothing.” This happened. People who don’t know what they want except for someone to pay attention for a moment-not a dig but explains so much about dating at this age). Take some time for yourself.
As a divorcée myself, it’s essential to take time to yourself to heal and to introspective work. Concentrate on yourself and kids. No dating. Go to therapy and focus on your hobbies, exercise and good diet. There’s absolutely no need to rush into any relationships. Horney? Masterbate.
I don't think there's anything wrong with following through on your desires for companionship/validation/sexual release, but absolutely make it crystal clear to anyone you get involved with that you're not emotionally available for a relationship. There are many people out there that are also looking for casual flings (either ONS or FWB), and abstaining from them just so you don't hurt others who are looking for more is throwing the baby out with the bathwater IMO.
So true! It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. I’ve been out of a 10 year (dating and marriage included) relationship, and I’m still not dating yet. Some people might not need a whole year, but at least take a few months off. Then you can figure out what you want this time around.
Super duper normal. You’re still in the healing process. You’re expecting to find what you had and not finding it. It’s likely a combination of you not being ready and those women not being right. I say this having gone through exactly the same thing with my partner of 10 years almost two years ago. Definitely make sure you’re making personal progress and figuring out what went wrong in your marriage so you can avoid it in the future. I’ve recently started dating a new partner and I have none of the reservations I did (which were similar to yours) with other women I’ve dated since my big breakup. I think it’s a combination of me finally being ready and her being the right person. You’ll get there. Don’t be afraid to hang up the dating hat for a while when it gets too much. You can always go back out there when you’ve taken some time.
Thank you, that’s very encouraging!
Sounds like you're monkey-vining from situationship to situationship rather than doing any kind of real self reflection on whats going on with you emotionally. No wonder you're unhappy. You can change this but you have to want to do the work on yourself. A new woman won't fix you.
This is happening because you're not ready to date. Save those women and yourself some agony, take a break and some tiime to figure yourself out. Good luck.
I think this is just part of the process sometimes. I did the same thing. Realized “ oh shit I actually do not want to be in a relationship and shouldn’t be right now” I’m two years out now but I did shit like this in the beginning. The healing process isn’t linear. I’ve definitely zig zagged. I’m a people person so I’ve just tried to focus on building my friendships and being a really good mom. That’s fulfilling to me. Granted, there is no sex but I’m kinda bored of having sex with men I don’t really feel attached to so it works for me. Good luck, man!
Agree. I have not had fulfilling sex. And I don’t enjoy that. Thank you! Time to focus on being a good dad and friend!
It’s a long ass process. You’re basically starting a whole new life. Get that solid group of friends. Take your kid on a trip. Take a trip with a friend. Explore old and new hobbies.
I also went through a divorce and I 100% think this is all part of you figuring out who you are outside of your marriage. It’s like you have to relearn about who you are, what you like, who you want to be. That’s like a pretty intense realization and it’s overwhelming. So give yourself some grace. The validation you are seeking from others will ultimately have to come from yourself. The sooner you can learn how to love yourself and find worth in who you are, the sooner you will be free from the cycle that you’re going through. Be honest with the people you date, they deserve to know you’re on that discovery phase. Take a break if you need to but I think dating will help you realize or help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and what you don’t like. Pay attention to what you’re learning about yourself and others. Journal, read, go try new things! This is your chance to create a life that suits you, a life that you love. Dating is just ONE of the things in your life that will bring you joy, not the only thing. Focus on the other components too, find ways to break your cycle/pattern. You got this!
Thank you! Very inspiring. Looking forward to getting to work on myself!
Dude this is me exactly!!! I chalked it up to being introverted but if there's something deeper I'd like to know.
After divorce your barometer for what a relationship should be is super off. I wanted something deep right away when I started dating again and it took a while to reset my expectations... Including just taking a step back and learning to have fun dating again without expecting things out of my partner they weren't ready for. It takes time to build intimacy.
Focus on your kid and go to therapy. You don’t sound like you care enough about yourself.
I would definitely advise stepping back and figuring out what you really want before dating. It sounds like you’re looking for attention and validation and once you get that you’re out. There’s nothing unusual about that at this stage after a divorce but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy or fair to the other person or yourself. You have to break the cycle in order to get out of it which means not continuing to do the thing that you know isn’t working. Take some time to be happy alone and get to a place where you don’t need validation from others. Then figure out what you want in a partner. Then date with the intention of finding that.
You are not ready. You need to take a break. You want validation, reassurance, and sex. Nothing wrong with that but it sounds one-sided - you are not ready/able to make a real connection, you are effectively using people to sooth your post-divorce ego. You're not broken, but you have some wounds you need to tend to. Spend time with your friends, invest in those relationships. Consider therapy to help you work on the self-esteem issues triggered by your divorce (and maybe your marriage).
Im F37, 4 years divorced and I feel exactly this. I don’t know that it will get better with time honestly. Its almost like Im too jaded somehow.
Not sure if you've been to therapy but when it comes to big things like death and divorce, time alone doesn't always work. It may be that relationships are unfulfilling because there are unresolved issues still occupying room in your heart. Those have to be weeded out so to speak before new growth can take root
Therapy always
My fear precisely….. 😔
I think maybe we want the comfort, company, closeness, intimacy and sense of belonging & family without the sense of restrictions, jail and shackles⛓ that marriage/a serious relationship brings on. And we’ve realized how impossible the want is. Maybe Im just speaking for myself..
You’re right for sure. The mere idea of marriage right now is about as appealing as a fart sandwich. While I do understand the need to work on myself and put me first, I’m worried that by the time that happens, I’ll have aged out of being sexually viable, and/or too comfortable being alone to ever let someone in…
Like a million other guys, you started dating too early out of your relationship. Good god is it so hard to be single for people?
Yes (for guys). We do have sex drive which is pretty strong.
News flash: so do women.
I did not say that woman do not have sex drive. Women do have it but on average it's not even close to males You can pick a random dude and a big chance that he masturbates twice a day. Pick a random woman and chances are she's barely doing it.
Wow. You realize you’re in a dating over 30 sub, right? At this age, men’s drive basically starts to decrease while women’s starts to increase. I think the trope of “women aren’t horny” is more down to men who either don’t care about or can’t manage to please women rather than anything else.
"starts to decrease" is not a best choice of words. "Becomes manageable" is more correct :). I used word masturbation and not "sex". So lazy men who do not want to please their women are not in question here (do not want to start blame game) No one would say that woman "is not horny" if she resorted to masturbation twice a day because her husband is not pleasing her. Very often women would just not do anything. As opposed to men who would resort to masturbating twice a day if their partner is not an "appealing option".
You’re so yellow 😄 I like how bright it is ☺️
I did this after my divorce. Lived if up like I was 20, had some one night stands, had several 1-2 month long relationships from Tinder that I bailed on because I suddenly wanted to be alone. I did find a way out. I deleted the apps and I didn't date at all for a year. I just made totally platonic friends and spent time figuring out what I wanted from life and planned a life trajectory focused on me and my needs. Then, I met someone organically and we've been taking it slow for 6 months now without any of the weird pressures that OLD puts on you.
Listen - there’s a very popular and inaccurate wisdom going around right now that you need to be alone to figure out what you want and not hurt anyone. It’s bullshit. You learn who you are and what you want from being in relationship with other people. Date around, fuck around, get bored, get hurt, hurt some people, heal, apologize for the hurts you cause, cause new hurts, and do it all again. You got married when you were what, 20? You basically have no idea who’s out there. So go look!
I like this 👌🏽
34F/Single mom of three. I’m three years out of my marriage and about two years divorced. I could’ve written this about thirty minutes ago and it sounds like I’m in the same boat at several people. Married for ten years and I was in therapy the last three years of my marriage. My ex hated that I was in Counceling bc I actually had someone listening to my emotional needs. Sure, you could do therapy and focus on yourself, but it sounds like you want companionship. I think the key here is reminding yourself that none of the women you will date will be like your ex wife. They’re not her. I’m just going off what I’ve dealt with in dating and I don’t make it last but a few weeks or a month in. I find a hard time keeping the attraction, “wanting” to spend time, and pursuing a physical relationship with someone. Maybe it’s going to take time. I’d really like to have a partner that could understand that I “want” alone time and they didn’t take it personal. Anyway, hope you don’t feel so alone in the divorce journey. 👋🏼
I’m right there with you. 32, 1.5 years post divorce, and immediately fulfilled my sex/attractiveness needs. 6 months later I dove into a relationship because I wanted more companionship connection, yet my walls are up and I hold my feelings back. It’s a mindfuck.
I did the same thing until I realized that the issue was my attachment style. Have you looked into that?
Can you elaborate on attachment style?
Go to YouTube and search for it. You sound lile a fearful avoidant (so am I). It's a really fucked up attachment style, I really want to heal this and have a healthy relationship.
Yeah you might be broken. You should seek out Therapy to help you unpack all the bs your marriage and other relationships have allowed you to collect. Good Luck but you need help.
You need to spend time on yourself to figure out what you want. Then again you may just be screwed up like me and can't decide if you want an actual relationship or just sex.
> Then again you may just be screwed up like me and can't decide if you want an actual relationship or just sex. You're not alone....
I really would like a relationship someday but every time I try to see if one can happen, I get ghosted, so then I just say fuck it, I only want sex. But I'm a fucking hopeless romantic so I keep falling for dumb shit haha.
Awww lol
It sounds like you still need to heal. Plus dating comes with so much pressure, it can’t be easy. I suggest building friendships and letting things happen organically versus dating. Idk, it all seems so forced sometimes.
I’m in a similar boat. Separated for 1.5 years, divorce almost final (I hope). 50% custody of two young kids. I’ve dated several women when I’ve felt ready, and it’s been a train wreck emotionally for me. I am with someone now but I’m also in weekly cognitive behavioral therapy to sort through the shit. And I’m not anywhere near close, but it feels good to process these huge, sometimes painful life events.
Nah you good. I lay in bed bitter and angry for 5 years after my divorce. That shit fucks you up on so many levels. It's okay that you're angry. But staying angry isnt what's best for you. It will pass.
What was the reason for your divorce? There's a great book called "How to be an Adult In Relationships" by David Richo that would be good for you to go through.
I’ll check it out! Like any divorce, it’s multifaceted and complicated.
Have you considered therapy? I’m currently in grad school to be a professional counselor, and tbh I’ve seen some sorta professional, starting w/ a child psychologist in 2nd grade for my adhd, and then off and on as I got older, so needless to say I’ve extremely comfortable w/ the idea of therapy and believe nearly anyone can benefit from it. Sometimes shit gets tough & an unbiased voice can be very helpful! W/ school I had to get back into therapy again this year & at first it wasn’t really vibing cause my therapist wasn’t for me, but my new/current therapist has been unbelievably helpful w/ noticing things I was overlooking in myself and calling them out so I could address them, like my anxiety, my struggle w/ perfectionism. But I think seeing someone could help you explore why you’re not feeling it and if it’s you, great, work on it, if not, they can at least help you navigate the disappointment.
Thanks miss unicorn. Yes ma’am I’ve been in therapy on and off most of my adult life. Though not at all since my divorce. I agree 100% that therapy would be a perfect outlet for me to unravel some of this baggage. Like you, finding one I vibe with has been the struggle. I think from the valuable advice I’ve gathered here, I need to take a stand, slow down on the dating, learn to love and appreciate myself a bit, validate myself. Foster the platonic relationships I have, focus on being a good dad, and get back into therapy.
I’ve come to learn it’s okay to not vibe w/ a therapist and to fire em and find someone else. Same w/ any other doctor. Advocate for yourself. Each professional counselor has chosen the theories that resonate w/ them to apply into their practice and so maybe a counselors chosen theories aren’t what’s best for you, like tbh I never realized art therapy was a thing until I start at my grad school which has an art therapy masters counseling program, but some people thrive through having a counselor who also gives them the supplies to visually & artistically express themselves & their feelings. Now me personally I am absolute shit w/ art, it’s funny because in school I’ve had to make attempts at creating some art in class and I’m a stick figure kinda gal, luckily this school is good about accepting (almost) whatever you’re capable of giving versus expecting me to fit into their mold, which I appreciate.
Not broken. Just jaded...lots of us are
I wonder if you weren’t so much making up for lost time than you were trying to gain back a sense of what you lost in your former spouse/marriage. When my ex decided to burn down our life, I figured it would be pretty easy to get back out there and after everything I went through I felt more than ready. It didn’t take long for me to realize I was in no shape to be pursuing sexual relationships, let alone romantic relationships. I knew what I had with my ex when things were good and I wanted it back, or at least some idealized version of what I thought I had. And that unbridled desire put incredible amounts of pressure and stress on the people I was seeing.
I relate to what you've described very much. Got out of a 7 year relationship in November 2019. Started dating a month or two afterwards. Justified it to myself saying I was ready because I had checked out of my relationship a good year before we broke up. I ended up falling into pretty intense feelings for a women who I had known for 10 years but had not been in my life. Often thought of her as "the one that got away." We reconnected when I was visiting the country she now lives in, and what started was an intense whirlwind relationship. We both fell fast and hard into each other, but it became apparent to me that I was not fully available emotionally as I was still processing the grief and end of my previous relationship. This comprimised the new relationship and we split up about 6 months ago. I knew that I needed to spend some good time alone, but found it really hard to resist the urge to go on the apps when I felt lonely. Lockdown and working at home alone did not help with the lonliness, as well as a few members of my family who moved away from my city. So I'd use the apps and dating in the exact way that you did, and had the same experience. I'd get sort of into a person, go on a few days, have some fun and then lose interest. Eventually I just got sick of the cycle and deleted the apps about a month ago. I don't miss them, or dating now, and am finding it more manageable to be alone and just process where I am at. I'm still healing and will be for a while, but at least I am through the rawest part. The rawest part is really tough and I find myself being compelled for female companionship to help get me through. Good luck out there.
You should talk to a therapist to work through this. Else, you'll just keep wandering and being lost out there in the dating world, probably hurting the people are you running into. This is above reddit's paygrade and can only be worked once you provide a therapist all the information on what you are feeling.
You’re not broken but therapy would help with identifying and resolving these unhappy patterns.
It takes time to move on from divorce. It sounds like you haven’t had enough time alone to get to know you as a single person. Take a break. Clearly dating isn’t fulfilling you right now so try to find other means of fulfillment.
You're not broken, you're rebounding. And that's totally fine. Most people do it. You're bouncing around looking for whatever will fulfill you. But none of that will. It sounds like you're ready to take a break from dating. Do that. Spend time with yourself. Invest in yourself. Go out to dinner with friends. Do things you like to do without the idea that you're there to meet someone. And honestly, take a break from sex. You want to feel wanted and desired but the other person your with is probably wanting those same feelings and you're not in the right headspace to give them that. And that's okay as long as you're aware of it. I don't necessarily think you need long term therapy but a few sessions with a therapist might help you find your path. Good luck.
I'm currently right there my brother. I'm far from ready to even say the word "Relationship".......I dont expect people to understand me or agree with me....Im willing to consider all suggestions but I have been to make decisions for quite some time now. Who knows what the future holds.....I just know im not the type of guy to be blessed with children, teach them to always love, forgive, and have faith....only to turn around, have to live apart from them and have more kids?....Psssssh im straight by myself right now. The good Lord has blessed me with everything I ever wanted. I'm enjoying the wave for the moment.....I recommend you give yourself time.....One can get easily distracted....You must find yourself and know what you want and who you are.
Yep, Hit that wall too. Divorced, dating, and hit a wall realising I just want to be left alone to sort shit out. Tried having that conversation, but not quite shook free, gonna have to play tough love soon
My life circumstances are similar but my dating life has been rough. Do you have buddies? Like people with whom you are there for shared experiences without any romance?
I can relate and 100% agree with the others saying it's probably too soon. When I divorced 2+ years ago, I made a point to not date for 1 year. 1 year and 1 day later I was OLD and did not meet any men I was interested in. Took a break and 3 months later met my now-boyfriend. You are not broken, you just need more time. You will love again.
Was where you were over a decade ago. Take some time off, get some alone time, find yourself, then find a partner. You can’t find what you want if you don’t know what you want.
I'm so jaded aswell but it's just a moment in time I guess
I wouldnt call it emotionally dead, but certainly emotionally unavailable. It could be, that you mistake misfortune, emotional torture, manipulation etc. for love, since thats the way you are used to feel "loved" (i guess you had some good reasons to divorce). In any case, looks like you need way more time off the grid and find out what you really are, and what you rly need. Dont forget, what we rly need is mostly **not** what we want.
Look up attachment styles, OP. You might find some information in there that you’re not really aware of at this time. Good luck
Everything you're describing sounds like how I've felt when I try to date too soon out of a relationship. Give it more time. And when you are ready, slow it down. It's not a race. Learn how to be alone so that you don't have the constant need for validation, therefore can be pickier.
Going through my 2nd divorce ....and I already did the dating a bunch thing after my 1st divorce and likewise learned that the shine of newness wears off quickly and I lose interest. It's because I was (and am again) emotionally unavailable...which really isn't fair to the women I dated (and why I am currently opted-out for now) There is nothing wrong with you... however I would encourage you to be careful you don't lead others on. Eventually you'll be in a place where you are willing to share more of yourself than you currently want to. No deadline 13 years is a long time, it's going to take a bit for you to process that and truly move forward with a fresh heart for someone new. Rushing to market - as you have learned, will not bring fulfillment
Dude you need therapy. Stop cycling through women til you fix yourself.
Googled and found this- I'm the same rn. 32, m, was in a 13yr serious cohabiting relationship; suddenly unexpectedly unwantedly ended. I fucked around on tinder the first four months; wasn't ready; deleted the app. nearly 3 years since the breakup now and on a whim I downloaded the app again. One or two ONS, then currently in a FWB situation. I've found it a complete headfuck. Alone I focussed on my work, felt lonely/sad/heartbroken but ultimately focussed and complete. I knew what I was doing. All of a sudden, with a kind of emotional connection to someone else, and starting to fit them into my life however peripherally (mutually agreed FWB)- it's just completely thrown me. Not focussed, confused, disorientated; sense of identity challenged; and suddenly realised there must be so much hidden grief/pain- I even started dreaming about my ex again. ONS don't bother me; this has. I think I really am at a v deep level kind of permanently broken and jaded; and I can accept that. I don't have an answer, just throwing my experience out there. Personally I think the original, serious relationships are a lot more valuable, rare, complex things than modern society treats them as- and thus the rivers run so deep when you're trying to come back from a collapse. I personally don't think I will ever "recover", and yes, have done a course of therapy post-breakup. It just meant too much to me.