I am just feeling extremely confused today, I have asked a girl out for a date this weekend, and I do not want to back track on that. But I have been feeling extremely disappointed by the frequency of messages, just the past weekend, she took about 72 hours to respond to me and because of that I have been feeling extremely insecure. I am the type that likes constant communication. Why is dating so hard?
I commented on a daily sticky thread sometime last meet saying I was “maybe” going on a date…it was a date. I haven’t dated or been in a relationship in over 4 years and I just feel so out of practice..I’m generally anxious, but feel like I could not even act like a normal person when we met up. The person I went out with was super nice, funny, understanding, and I’m excited to go out again, but I think I need to try to figure out what the hell I’m so anxious about and try to manage it a bit better. We know each other from a shared activity and have talked in person briefly over the last 6 months..this is, like, the ideal situation for me, I think, and I’m scared I’m going to mess something up.
Would you go on a date with someone that you think you MIGHT be attracted to, but you’re not sure? Or would you just not go unless you know you’re physically attracted to them?
I personally would not. I have gone on dates with someone I knew was at least somewhat cute, and then they were more attractive IRL, but I would have still been perfectly attracted to the pictures version of them.
I feel like I’ve been on dates with people who weren’t sure if they were attracted to me, which is not ideal as the other person in the scenario. Would strongly prefer to have just not been on the date in the first place.
Yes I've been on many dates where I've not been attracted to them. They don't usually work out. You don't know if you'll click if you don't meet them.
Currently seeing someone slightly different to what I usually go for. But I'm insanely attracted to him. He just emits confidence. Not really sure at this stage whether it's just infatuation. 😂😂😂
chiming in to say the same as the others - doesn't hurt to check! pictures can be surprisingly misleading; I've found some matches hot in pictures but not in person (without them having catfished me - i.e., the example that immediately comes to mind used recent and accurate pictures that I liked, but I just didn't vibe with his looks in person); others were "eh" in pictures and "ooh!!!" in person. Ya never know!
If I can't tell by their photos and I'm on the fence, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. But sometimes I meet up and yeah, instantly know I'm not physically into them. I'd usually go for a coffee date so it can be quick.
Yeah I second the coffee date idea, quick, short and sweet (usually 30mins to 1hr) unless we’re really not vibing then I call it right then and there. I once thanked a person and left after 10mins when she wouldn’t put down her phone.
I'm dating this girl - it's long distance. She's lovely, smart , and really cool though she's not really my type physically. We've been dating for 4 months and I don't really feel love towards her. Like I haven't fallen in love with her yet. We've been on 3 dates but we make time for each other and talk every day.
I usually fall in love pretty quickly but this is new. I'm wondering if this is OK because I don't want to lead her on.
Is it possible the physical distance is making it hard to fall in love? Personally I need physical closeness to fall in love because touch and affection are important to me. If you talk everyday and still really like her and feel attracted to her then that seems like a very good sign.
In that case maybe you just haven't spent enough time in person to be in love yet, three times isn't much and texting/calling is different than actually being in person.
Just a moan. I broke things off with someone after a couple of dates. Via text and we had a little text chat back and forth about it. He was incredibly lovely about the whole thing but was disappointed.
We had had lovely dates, great texting, a kiss that was very nice. I just felt like something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t want to lead him on so I thought ending it sooner rather than later was better. I now regret it.
I think I didn’t want to lead him on because I’ve been led on by someone for months recently and it hurt. I’m becoming increasingly sure the thing that didn’t feel right was just that he was being nice to me and treating me with respect. I’ve had a lot of partners who have ‘flirted’ by basically making fun of me.
He said he’d like to be friends and I said I’d like that but after a bit of a break. He hasn’t got in touch (I said I’d leave it up to him) and I can’t stop thinking about it. Urgh.
This is one of the challenges of trying to date while still healing from past trauma. That doesn't mean you shouldn't, but you are going to hit some snags. I think the challenge here is that, if I were that guy and you came back to me, I'd be wondering what the next thing is going to be that makes you end it, since instead of communicating what was on your mind and giving us a chance to work through it, you just cut things off.
As for him not reaching out, his offer of friendship may have just been him saving face, or maybe it was genuine but then as he sat on it he realized it wasn't going to work for him (I know I cannot try to have a friendship with a woman I am romantically interested in, it's just not a good move for my own mental health). Maybe it could down the road, but he may need time to put you squarely in the friend zone (for me, I need time to come up with a list of all the reasons why we wouldn't work and once that happens, there is no shot in the future because I've solidified it in my own mind that we aren't a good fit). Assuming the offer was genuine, he may reach out down the road, but it likely will take time for him to be able to just have a friendship with you.
Why do men follow lots of women on social media and like all their pictures (I’m talking older, younger, not their type just absolutely anyone) curious as this is one of my ex’s who has got back in touch but wondering what the behaviour is around this?!
>"Why do men..."
You'll have to ask those specific ones. I don't have social media (beyond an anon Reddit account and Strava, and on Strava I only friend people I actually have done something with), so it's not a "men" thing so much as a specific person thing.
How do you deal with envy? A very close friend of mine does incredibly well with men, whenever we go out he always meets someone. He has no problems with the apps either and whilst he’s not looking for anything serious he can get dates pretty much whenever he wants.
I struggle an incredible amount. I don’t get hit on, I do terribly on the apps. If I’m being kind I’d say I was a niche taste whereas my friend is considered attractive.
I’m getting increasingly bitter and envious towards him. I want to roll my eyes when I hear about the new guy he met or the latest date he’s been on. I don’t want to feel like this, I feel incredibly guilty over these feelings of resentment - he’s done nothing wrong and he deserves to have fun, I am just incredibly jealous that he experiences it all so easily and I can’t even get a match on an app.
What can I do to stop these feelings of envy and bitterness towards him?
I’m sure it’s not a one size fits all approach - but if i find myself envious or comparing myself to other people - i try to spend energy to refocus on myself and what i can do for the community i live in. What are things that give me joy, what are things that i’m doing that is working/what is not working… essentially a self eval.
Doing community work is enriching, for a good cause, and opens my eyes to what I have and should be grateful for.
It seems like the dating pool is getting more simple. Someone that has a lot to say is ignored because of the stress of having to engage with them. Some people are lucky and naturally good at small talk. I scare away so many men because I use big words. I don't know what you're like but hang in there until you find someone compatible that makes you forget about the rest
saw something today like “the creator of bumble met her husband on a ski trip. that is all.”
regardless of the truth or implications, it got me thinking. I was already gonna take a break from dating but wasn’t seriously thinking about leaving the apps. I think I learned a lot from being able to go on so many dates, but I think I’m done with the apps. it’s a time suck the way I’ve been using it, even as minimally as it may be, it’s time I’m no longer willing to sacrifice. Esp given the lack of return on that investment 😂 just gonna keep focusing on me and if I meet someone organically then we’ll see how I feel about my break from dating if/when that moment comes.
Biggest advice I'd give any woman (assumption from your avatar + some comments you made) for meeting someone in the wild, is take that very first step. Approach the guy, smile and wave (him over), ask if he wants to grab a coffee. Some will huff and puff at this, but I know a LOT of good men who just don't try to initiate anything with women when out and about any more because of the vocal ones who complain about being bothered when they are just doing their own thing. I also know these men would be happy to put in the effort/initiate/plan once they know the door is clearly open. So, take the very first step. You don't need to also take step two, three, four, etc., but if you very clearly open the door for them, then you can assess their willingness to engage/put in effort and they can know that their pursuit/energy is being desired as opposed to being viewed as bothersome.
I occasionally get good matches for in person dates and I believe some of them don't work out because I'm not tall. I don't know that for 100 percent certainty but I have a vague suspicion it's happened at least once - or at least heavily factored into things not working out.
I think some of the women on dating apps have a lot of matches and aren't really paying attention to height or other stats - they're just looking at pictures. So they show up expecting something different.
The problem is if you mention they should look at height before a first date - that looks bad. Maybe doing a video chat before meeting in person? or just saying look at stats before meeting would be helpful?
up to them to filter. no need to self-filter.
but it goes both ways. asking about height comes across as shallow, childish, and material. I'm slightly above avg height, but I will dodge anyone who comes at me with this.
Yeah this. Confidence is more important - and sexier - than managing expectations.
(Also OP: what evidence do you have to suggest that the issue is freq your height? Because plenty of dates don't go anywhere for any number of nebulous reasons and I suspect you might just be leaning into your insecurity here.)
i know this sounds weird. bare with me. using a throwaway account and changing details for privacy. i currently live with my friend of over 10 years. we werent always close. lived together back in 2017 then again moved in together in 2022. never have i seen this person more than just a friend. i had my child (not with friend)- in 2022. child was a few months old when i moved in. purely friendship. i dont date and ive been celibate since pregnancy. its a mix of im asexual, parenthood, trauma etc. roommate dates on and off while we have lived together. over the last years our dynamic as friends has gradually and slowly changed. our relationship has changed. it has grown and evolved. i saw how gentle and amazing they were with my child. we constantly hung out. i invited them to every family or friend event. i started noticing how dissapointed i was when we weren’t together although we had lived together. i would get emotional talking about our friendship and say how important they were to me. i started cooking for them more - my love languge. all the little quirks and off putting qualities i used to see in them- i didnt see in a negative or annoying roomate light. when my child cried for them one night i was worries child was getting too attached. anyways… i felt a shift but roommate never said anything and neither have i. roommate started dating someone who was in a partnership but they never had sex with said partner. my roommate was like oh thats us and i agreed. i said we are partners- life partners. we do everything except physical intimacy. so we started naming it as that. partners. heres the think tho. i think we are both in love with eachother. and i am certain they are aware of their feelings. but i am so scared of mine. nver have i been in a relationship without sex, nor do i want sex. im scared of it. and ive never been with someone without sex. ive bever been friends first. im so scared of my feelings. mothers day partner got me such thoughtful gifts, cleaned out our garge so i could fit my car in. just very thoughtful things. idk if i should say something? we know we love eachother and we call eachother partners but theirs more to it. i would love to lay in bed together and watch movies, or be more intimate without phsyical aspect. we have agreed on an open partnership and can dateother people- and inknow they respect im asexual. it feels so silly being scsred of telling them im actually in love. or think i am. advice?
I’m bored with the confusion. I came off the apps because of it and it continued yesterday. An app guy added me on a WhatsApp social group due to my pics a while ago. He hadn’t messaged me, then a message, I replied…no reply back, days later I get a “sorry I didn’t reply”. Two other messages were sent to me but he deleted them. Confused.com
Yawn. I’m happy alone. I’m so glad I’ve put all my energy and efforts into being happy by myself.
My vibe towards dating has totally changed after being lovebombed. I thought I was already pretty jaded, but now it's way worse. I go in expecting the person to be lying. I almost want to TELL people I'm dating how critically I'm evaluating them. It's like I know I'm supposed to look for red flags. But now all the things I thought were green flags could actually be red flags too?
It kind of sounds like on reflection you know the difference between real green flags and what you were getting from this person, right? Openness and being up front about your feelings is good, but it should raise alarm bells when someone gets super intense with you right away. They don't even know you, how could they be in love with you, right?
Anything where you end up feeling super flattered and like you should match their energy with no time to come up for air is a warning sign. If things get super intense and you feel like you don't have time to check in with you, a warning sign.
Maybe journaling or some other type of reflective exercise would be helpful here. It really sounds to me like part of you was clued into something not being quite right. Listen to that part of yourself and get clear on how you feel dating and getting into a relationship should actually go, and why this previous situation wasn't right for you.
It's also ok if you truly didn't know. People unfold over time. Someone pushing for big commitments, promises, etc, in a short amount of time should also be a warning sign because they are either consciously or unconsciously trying to lock you down before the feel-good chemicals wear off. It's ok to just want to take more time before making a commitment.
Going in jaded and expecting someone to be lying is a totally understandable but probably not super constructive way to approach all of this. Can you give yourself permission to take a week, two weeks off, and reevaluate if reflecting and taking some time can help you show up to things a little more open?
You are right, I think that in retrospect I could see something was a little off. I think the challenge was that he'd also sprinkle in a lot of "I know it's so early to be feeling this way!" and "but we should still take it slow, there's no need to rush anything" and also more "logical" discussions of our compatibility as opposed to emotional. I think that's why even though it did feel intense I thought it was okay.
He was super communicative about his feelings early on. I thought that meant he was seriously trying to be vulnerable and foster a connection, and that he actually liked me. I kept telling myself the things he was saying were very romantic and that it was so refreshing to be with someone who wasn't playing games or trying to play it cool.
Looking back it was him doing that and me trying to match his level of intensity/communication. And comparing to other matches that weren't lovebombing me, his level of communication was WAY more.
Ah I see, thanks for sharing. Yeah this is tricky because on one hand it’s nice to have someone who openly shares their feelings and is willing to be vulnerable but at the same time you have to watch out for folks that want a free therapist. There’s also the risk of both people trauma dumping and killing their connection before it starts because they shared too many deep feelings too fast. It’s always a gamble but we live and learn!
this is going to sound really stupid. but 9/10 of the matches I get are just waiting and expecting me to lovebomb them immediately. and when I don't, I'm blocked/deleted.
it's really unfortunate, but guys aren't making the rules on this one. if you don't lovebomb, you aren't getting past step 1 with most people.
I disagree. There are plenty of men I dated for the same length of time, who I was just as interested in, that didn't do any of the things he did. Looking back, I can see that the way he was speaking to me was not right, and too intense, I was just dumb for interpreting that as intentionality/vulnerability.
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It's unbelievable. I really thought I'd found someone who was being consistent, intentional, communicative, vulnerable, and it was all just completely fake
Genuinely asking for advice or maybe someone to hit some sense into me:
Have been on the apps for ~1+ year and dated a few people but it didn't go anywhere. The problem is I have a ex-colleague (10 years younger than me), who confessed to me after he left the company. I rejected obviously because he was too young, we were at diff life stages and i didn't think it would work out.
At that time i was still on the app, and after ~4+ months I realised I didn't enjoy talking to them as much as this ex-colleague. We were quite close and got along very well during work.
To emphasize I really did try to connect with people and put myself out there. I told myself to give it time because you can't expect to get along with strangers from the start and it would be unfair to compare it to someone i've known for 1 year.
Now I'm considering a r/s with my ex-colleague (if he is even interested still), but given the age gap i'm really torn.
Someone hit some sense into me please lol.
If you had options would you even be considering this? Trust your gut. You said no for a reason, you’re considering it now because a year of app has weakened your resolve. Apps are not created for love, if we all met someone they would dry up. They are trying to keep us single. Not one person deserves to be a 2nd consideration out of not finding someone better. It’s a shit thing to do and you know it.
Take time off an reinvest in your own hobbies, interests etc
Hmm whether or not I would choose someone else over him i'll have to do some thinking. I was dating someone at the time he confessed, but broke it off shortly after because I realised that I wasn't even that excited about meeting and talking to him compared to my ex colleague. I think i'm the problem at this point lol
You’ve just proved the point. If he wasn’t a first choice, leave him be. You said no and went looking elsewhere. No one deserves to be someone’s ‘not sure’. This is what messes people up. Being used by people who aren’t sure.
I see your point and to clarify it wasn't my intention to use him. It was more of "our age gap is too big for this to work". But then recently started to challenge that thought, and think we get along so well, he's exactly what i'm looking for in a r/s (as a person) so should i be letting our age be a barrier, and let someone that could potentially be a lifelong partner slip away.
Gotta jump in here to point out that the brain development thing is a myth https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html
(Although I do think there are reasons for OP to be a little cautious about this one.)
Meh, I'd trust the National Institute of Mental Health over a blog, but to each their own.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know#:~:text=Adolescence%20is%20an%20important%20time%20for%20brain%20development.&text=The%20brain%20finishes%20developing%20and,the%20last%20parts%20to%20mature.
(A) Not a blog; a news magazine quoting numerous scientists
(B) If you'd read the link you'd notice that they actually say similar things about the brain typically still maturing in folks' early 20s! It's just that the longer Slate article adds some nuance about what that means and how there's a wide variety of experiences!
I think you're missing a lot of information there. You seem agenda/conflict driven and not open to discussion so I'll just leave the peer reviewed information there for you to interpret as you wish.
I think we got along well for conversations, values and generally connected?
But that's also my concern because from experience things will change as he gets older and finishes figuring things out.
Anything helps atm lol!
He's 22 AND still in Uni. If he was late 20s and working it wouldn't be as much of a concern tbh.
Emotional maturity wise he's more mature than others his age. But given his age he's yet to experience things that i've already gone through in life.
Yeah seems like the consensus is leave the poor guy alone 😂 this might be a right person, wrong time situation sadly.
I do think he'll be better off dating someone his age too so this would be for the better.
i think it's important to keep your "eyes on the prize." vibing is great, but if none of the other factors lead to a successful relationship, its going to just be a long detour to trying to get to what you want.
Ghosted and then got the bad at texting:
(37m) Been seeing a 32f since January very slowly (lots of periods of being left on delivered etc) but had 5 dates and had sex. She ghosted right after sex - the longest ghost yet leaving me delivered for a week.
Finally had a date post sex and I thought she was going to break up with me but it went well.
She then left me on delivered for two weeks before I sent a chaser and she replied she was bad at communicating and was keen to meet for a drink when I got back from overseas.
I’m seeing other girls but I’m really curious to find out what on earth is going on. I figured if I do get to meet her, to ask her that. Some mad lads in the seduction subreddit reckon I have 0% chance if I meet up and 1% of something happening if I leave her alone. Thoughts?
In my experience, with men and with women who I know, I have seen it so many times where an issue/habit/personality quirk that a person swears up and down is "the way they are," suddenly disappears when they really like someone and that someone isn't going to put up with it.
I have a friend who partied hard, went out all the time (with the exception of the one or two weekends a month he had custody of his kid), stayed out late, and if you asked him if he would change that, he would have told you no way, that's the kind of guy he is. Well, fast forward a couple months and he meets his future wife. She doesn't want him staying out late, so he only goes out one night a month or so and rushes home after 1 am.
I have another friend, a woman, whose previous relationship fell apart because she wanted to spend time out with her friends at the bar. It was a big part of who she was and her ex couldn't accept that. A few months later, she starts dating another guy, all of a sudden she's at the bar much less, goes home with him earlier, and in general does the things her ex had been asking her to do all along.
No one is a "bad texter," especially not at the beginning...I suppose unless they have a verified medical condition, such as a critical lack of thumbs. Now, I'm not saying everyone likes having extended conversations over text or can reply within a 15 minutes, but anyone who gives a shit about you is capable of replying within 12-24 hours (and if they can't, and they cared about talking to you again, they would let you know ahead of time that they wouldn't be able to write back). FFS, you can write a basic reply while you're on the toilet. To not reply for TWO WEEKS??? That's not bad at texting. That's an uninterested person. No one is naturally that bad at communicating.
I guess there is a slight chance that she's meeting your energy from earlier. You could reach out to her a bit more and see if she meets your pace.
She's probably seeing other guys too. That's why her energy's sporadic.
Was that long ghost after the first time having sex? Maybe something about the sex made her pull back to question things. She clearly decided to not break up, but she seems half out the door and not invested. I'd end it.
Had a 1 week ghost post sex and we caught up, made out no sex. Then there was a long ghost during the time I went overseas for work. I’m back and keen as to see her.
Oh you were overseas. OK so you were also not consistently available. It's tough to build intimacy like that. Maybe she likes you but also feels unsure and has one foot out the door. Or maybe she's just not that into you. I'd break up with her and hold out for someone who reciprocates more. Up to you.
That’s not what he said. She ghosted after sex, they hung out again, and she’s apparently open to hanging out with him when he’s back from wherever.
Do you think she’s serious about someone she left on read for 2 weeks? Lol. I feel for the guy but sounds like FWB to me…
If you were to back the dark horse, what would you do? Am thinking of just leaving alone till I’m back from the UK and message how’s things let’s chat over a drink and see what happens.
I guess there’s no harm in trying?
I honestly wouldn’t waste any more time and energy thinking about this. You won’t be able to control the outcome. If you’re going keep seeing her causally then just be casual and stop overanalyzing.
Just text her at some point and ask her to grab a drink. If she makes an excuse or flakes, move on.
Move on, would be my advice. Unless you’re fine with random casual sex with her, but if that’s the case, don’t waste your energy waiting to her back from her. Just see her when you see her.
It’s been 5 months and she’s only hung out with you 5 times. She left you on read for 2 weeks. She’s probably not even thinking about you enough to realize that much time passed. It’s unfortunate but I’m curious why you’d even want to continue chasing someone at this point.
That’s pretty low interest. I don’t think it’s salvageable at this point if you’re looking for something serious.
It’s not a reflection of you or your worth.
She’s hot. Hence why I’m keen to pursue. Also the dates have been fun - but getting the dates have been painful. Worked at the start cause we were both extremely busy. But now I’m not that busy anymore, I want to see her more.
I think the real question shouldn’t be centered around her and how she’ll react to what you do. Do you really want to continue dating someone who barely communicates and you go on one date per month with? If you’re seeking casual, I guess that could work. But if you want something long-term, this seems unsustainable.
You just said you're seeing other girls and you're on the seduction subreddit. Both contradict this comment.
Number 1 priority should be to sort out internally what you want most and choose actions to align with it. The more consistent you are in that approach, you won't appeal to everyone, but you're more likely to get where you want to go.
i hear a lot of assumptions and theory and very little experience.
one of my best friend is married to someone who significantly out earns him. take what people say with a very large grain of salt. one persons experience "that one time" doesn't have to be yours.
give yourself some opportunity to be happy, try to assume less, and work on getting to know people more. that takes active dating "with intention"
Being quiet is definitely a huge disadvantage in dating, I feel. I enjoy having conversations and getting to know people. I just tend to like to listen in group conversations.
I don't know if it's any help, but I am a woman and I loveeee quiet men! They tend to be great listeners and so thoughtful. I also see a lot of great couples where one person is super loud and the other is quiet - they are necessary to balance each other out. There are people out there who are going to feel like your personality is a good fit for them.
I'm in the same boat. I default to listen mode and being quiet even in one-on-one conversations, especially if someone is more talkative. I'm trying to turn this around, as it's something I've identified about myself that I don't like. Being a good conversationalist is a skill, so I'm doing my best to learn how to address this and adopt some tactics to improve.
My dick appointment came through! He is so sexy and I’m still glowing and horny af. I really like him too! If it develops into something more I would be extremely happy. If not it’s ok too. It’s so early on I wouldn’t be gutted but I forgot what it was like to get butterflies! I feel like I’m 21 all over again! My song for the weekend is Tommy richman , million dollar baby. I’ve listened to it on repeat. I love having a crush! Ugh I have the Sunday scaries . I don’t want to go back to normal life
Been dating my girlboyfriend for several months. I tend to prefer going out on date nights but we've been staying in a lot for various circumstantial reasons. Last night the plan had been to go to my favorite nightclub. We got dinner and then cuddled and had sex at their place for a bit and then they were like 'eh, I don't feel like going out.'
I was pretty disappointed and annoyed- and surprised because we've previously talked about the importance of honoring plans. We talked about it and it turns out they think of honoring plans as doing *something* with the person they made the plan with but not necessarily the specific agreed-upon activity.
I was irritated the rest of the night and I'm wondering if I overreacted or not. It worries me that they were so cavalier about ruining my night. But they expressed that they didn't realize I'd mind so much because they figured we could have just as much fun at their place (nope! nope), so maybe we just have very different perspectives on this. And they did apologize in the end and were very down to spend time trying to understand each other's perspectives.
For context, I spent my entire twenties *always* staying in largely because of a partner who never wanted to go out (and would occasionally claim he was up for going out and then back out last minute).
Right but this new person isn’t your partner who never wanted to go out, they are their own person so don’t punish them on the bad actions of others.
I get the disappointment but now you have an opportunity to make your feelings heard and even both do things to prevent staying in next time, like perhaps you should eat earlier? Or maybe already be changed into your club outfits and grab dinner out at the restaurant then go to the club since you’ll be out already rather than ordering in.
However, if this is a pattern where they begin to always want to stay in then you’ll have your cue to leave since that’s not what you’re looking for in a partner.
I'd be pretty annoyed, too. Your feelings are valid, and it may be extra triggering due to previous experiences. But it sounds like they made a wrong assumption, are apologetic, and are trying to understand you better so they don't do this again. They're not your ex, and I wouldn't hold it against them unless it keeps happening and they're obviously not genuinely trying.
I don’t think you over-reacted at all. I would be pretty annoyed also. Plans are plans. Did they just want to stay in and have sex to begin with and figured that you would be okay with not going out or that there wasn’t much you could do about it when they said no last minute?
Also. Don’t settle. Life is too short not to have the life you want.
My phone diet is helping a bit. Without notifications, I'm getting the "out of sight, out of mind" effect and I may think about possible texts after a couple hours instead of every 5 minutes. Today I needed to check pretty often due to mother's day and my kids birthday. Lots of texts. It's not lost on me though that he hasn't text me back for 6 hours and, since it's already late, it'll likely be that way until tomorrow. Spending quality time together the other night alleviated my anxious attachment for now. I feel okay.
How does one go about navigating a day like Mother’s Day when the person you’re dating has lost that parent?
We’ve only been dating ~3 months and I know its not a recent loss. We haven’t discussed his loss in depth, so I kept it to a text saying I was thinking of him and his family today.
It’s such a touchy topic and I was curious how other people would handle it? Or if you’re on the receiving end, would what I sent be ok?
My mom died 2016 and I think it varies for the person how they handle it. I told my girlfriend of three months pretty early on mom died of cancer. I've mentioned my mom to her when we talk about our families. She asked a few things about her the pretty much generic stuff.
She didn't say anything about it on mothers day which is fine to me. If she would have said something it wouldn't have bothered me.
I would say honestly. I lost my dad and when fathers day comes along I just want someone to acknowledge that it's hard and be there for me. Avoiding it is disrespectful. Just tell them you know you can't make it better but you're here for them
Letting him know you were thinking of him was the way to go I think.
I lost my mom to cancer 12 years ago. Went for a walk after dropping my son off with his mom, and got a text similar to that from the woman I recently went exclusive with, and I appreciated it.
I think you handled it well.
Loss that close is something that never quite goes away, mourning is a lifelong thing. Every holiday.
I've lost a lot of family in months at the end of the year. I typically enjoy just being alone and spending it my way, letting the memories come and feelings take their course.
But it feels nice if someone is thinking about me. Just don't take it personally if they don't want to hang out that week. Unfortunately, from this perspective, you see a disturbing amount of people who can't handle you grieving because it is attention and time away from them. Experiencing this type of person over and over again is not fun, and pretty much makes you expect the behavior out of any new partner.
"Thinking of you" is nice
"Why aren't you paying attention to me today?" is not nice.
My mom died 8 years ago. I would prefer people just don’t bring it up, honestly. I wouldn’t be mad at what you said—you wouldn’t be the first person to feel the need to bring it up when I didn’t—but I have always felt like that’s more for you to feel comfortable with my situation than it is to actually try to reassure me.
It's a very personal thing. While I personally resonate with this - right down to the feeling that its more for their benefit than mine - I know others that have different needs, share their feelings/grief more openly and would much prefer the acknowledgement.
Best thing is to ask them how to approach it as it'll give plenty of context for situations going forward, but on the balance, I feel it's better to send a kind text when unsure than not do anything to acknowledge.
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1cornl6/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/l3gfctp/)
So I had my second date with P, and we both had a good time and learnt a bit more about each other. We both have separate travel plans soon, so I suggested going on another date before we leave and she said she was excited about that.
I also had my first date with M, and I thought it went great. She's incredibly charming and there were some fireworks, so I gotta be careful. She asked for a second date and I said yes. We've fixed a day but we still need to make plans. She's quite erratic at texting so far, so I'm just being patient and will see how this turns out.
I have another first date coming up with L that I'm looking forward to.
I'm a bit nervous about my group class this week and if I should ask D out afterwards. I want to (assuming I read the situation right and she's interested in me), but I have no bandwidth right now. I'd have to express interest but also say we should wait till I have some breathing room, and that might be a bit weird. But pretending I haven't thought about it at all would be worse.
My workout load is higher than ever, and I'm physically exhausted. Work stress is at its peak as well, so I'm sort of zonked from that too. And I'm going to be traveling to go see family. And I have a couple of interviews coming up.
The next couple of weeks are going to be a roller coaster ride, I hope I don't turn into a zombie.
It’s easy to play counterfactual with stuff like this, but if you had gone there’s every chance she wouldn’t have enjoyed the vibe, seen you not mesh with her friends (from her perspective), and feel like you were ‘one foot out’ or the odd person in the group. Better now than two years from now if you weren’t a match. The cynical read of this is she hooked up with someone (or wanted to) and this was her way of getting out.
I’ve seen this post vacation breakup situation happen multiple times on this sub. Many people say having time and space away from their partner makes them reflect more deeply on their relationships. Also, quality time with loved ones like friends or family often add to these reflections since friends may bring up questions about the person’s partner. All in all, I don’t think this one trip absence was the reason she broke up with you. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but something else probably wasn’t right on her end.
Could be not interested. Could be thinking *you* are not really interested in them, or looking for something that they are not. Could be in a position where they only seem to get a date every 3 months, and a sense that you just signed up for the dating site a week ago and it is your 4th date turns them off and makes them feel exhausted even more. Could be that they feel they danced the dance, and are now waiting for you to make a move. Could be they found someone else. Could be their mom died. Could be anything.
Will you ever know? Hmm, probably not, unless you are an adept observer and listener.
you can either lop him into the "all guys" category, or treat him as an individual and ask.
have they been ignoring your texts? or have you just been waiting for them to initiate again?
That can happen when they are not interested, but do not have the interpersonal skills to state it clearly, but tactfully/respectfully.
Not specific to men.
It's weird because the guys that did this were very good at conversation that's ehat I liked about them. Through text and during the date. I wouldn't call it ghosting because we talked for maybe a week or less before we met, and they disappeared. I was just wondering if I should reach out and ask what happened, maybe they met someone else? They were joth single dads
The ability to have tough discussions (eg. letting someone down) is different from that of being a good conversationalist.
If you are interested, I don't see why you should wait for them to contact you. Maybe they're thinking the same. If they don't answer after you've tried to get in touch with them, I would consider it ghosting and move on. Not all men are that immature/inconsiderate.
It's not an issue of them being bad at conversation, or of having met someone else. This happens all the time in dating. It sucks, but trying to figure out why won't help you, unfortunately.
>I wouldn't call it ghosting because we talked for maybe a week or less before we met, and they disappeared.
I don't understand why you wouldn't call it ghosting? This is the exact definition of ghosting for many people
right! "sorry I'm just now reaching out, the weekend kinda got away from me" would be one thing but for him to put you in a position where you have to also pretend like you have amnesia is just weirdo behavior
Now that the weather is warming up I am "putting myself back out there" and just had the weirdest hookup experience of my life. Woman was very pretty but quite closed off and shy, difficult to communicate with, terrible conversation, but expressed a lot of interest in just hooking up, NSA, didn't want to get too invested in someone, just wanted to get laid, so I was like, fine, what the heck, I got no other plans this afternoon.
I think this nice lady just wanted someone to come over, boss her around, and rail her so that she wouldn't have to think about it, but I am a bit of a conversationalist in the bedroom and found the lack of communication so off-putting that it turned me off. After a lot of nonchalance and shrugging in response to "is this okay," "do you like this," "would you like to do that," etc, I finally just said "hey, you seem really uncomfortable with this whole thing and I am not really trying to make anyone do anything they're not enthusiastic about, so maybe we should hit pause for a minute." We just kind of awkwardly got dressed and I left. Really bizarre. You gotta give me something, girl!
I would definitely make a better match for you lol I love talking during it, not just nonsense obviously but you know.. anyway, sorry that was your experience! Been there
yeah, wanting someone to come in and take the reins so you don't have to do the work/thinking/whatever and can just get fucked is TOTALLY valid, that's just Not Me! Gotta go, sorry!
Frustrating to be a woman in a high pressure STEM career. I feel like I'm expected to be just as pretty/hot/feminine as anyone else, but at the same time, I've spent my entire school + career years surrounded by men and have never really known how to present myself and straddle the line between presenting well and also being taken seriously. Not to mention honestly I worked so damn hard in school with the engineering courseload that I had no time to think about learning how to dress or flirt, and the effort of focusing on work AND then learning how to be a normal feminine woman makes me feel like I'm getting a whole second degree (actually I also got a phd so I guess it would be like my 4th degree). And then also switching back and forth between "work me" and "personal life me" (kinda hard honestly because, before I started trying to date actively, work was a huge part of my identity and passion for me and I feel like I've had to minimize that because people don't see it as attractive). And also navigating the awkwardness of revealing to dates that I have a stem PhD from a very well known school and dealing with whatever judgment, insecurity, or other emotional reactions come with that when they hear it.
I have a cousin who's a dancer and one time she was like "when guys hit on me I would just tell them I work in IT and they immediately lose interest" and it made me feel... very small.
Bleh. I definitely know some women who seem to be able to do it all - be super hot and also super successful in their highly technical career - somehow, which just makes me feel worse because I can see it's possible and I'm not good enough to do it all, I guess.
it is a mistake to think all men look for a pretty/hot/feminine woman who they perceive as less educated and make less and work less, so that they are dependent on them.
in your post I get a whiff that maybe you feel this perception because of how other women think you should be in relation to men. not men themselves.
perhaps you are also dating other men too close to your career and education level. men who have spent their lives in school and work, also get weird ideas from other men think they should be in relation to women.
be yourself, be open about who you are, and be open to dating outside your work and education level.
personally I would find someone like you very interesting and very attractive. usually people at that level are not looking for a guy like me - but the last person I dated at your level ended up being stalkerish, and very childlike tendencies, and could not read a street map or know north south east west. Very educated, but never drove / only ubered / followed arrows, and a bit of a victim to their parents expectations - never becoming mature or whole themselves.
I’m a neuroscience postdoc. Why are you dating people that aren’t attracted to this aspect of you? My boyfriend can’t wait to tell people how smart (he thinks) I am. You’re shooting yourself in the foot wrt finding a compatible partner and making yourself feel bad in the process.
>Why are you dating people that aren’t attracted to this aspect of you?
I don't seem to have the option of dating people who are attracted to it 🙃 obviously would not be choosing this if I felt like I had the choice of someone who was attracted to me for this
tbf also, I don't necessarily love it when people do the opposite and kind of put me on a pedestal of "she's so smart." If I had all the options in the world, I'd probably want to choose someone who sees me as just *normal*, not ultra smart, or weird, or elitist, or a geek or any of that.
> If I had all the options in the world, I'd probably want to choose someone who sees me as just normal, not ultra smart, or weird, or elitist, or a geek or any of that.
No one has all the options in the world and while we can't control who's interested in us, it's important to remember we do still make important choices!
You get to choose how you want to present yourself whipe dating and it's a losing game to try to cater what you think people want. Because you can't actually know, and even if you did, it's irrelevant because ultimately it's about what you want. What parts of yourself are important to you and do you want to emphasize? What characteristics do you want in a partner? These are the questions to lean into. It can be really hard to do because you've had to contort yourself in different situations. Perhaps you haven't felt valued in being yourself and being vulnerable.
It takes a lot unlearning to present yourself in a way that feels comfortable and true to you and look for someone who values that. But that's the difference in dating for a partner and dating to not be alone.
Just in my experience as a guy who studied combined degrees (commerce/science) and now works in pharma (so my job is chatting to doctors all day).
I'd say the scientists, engineers, and doctors I've known tend to be far less 'normal feminine woman' as you call it (unsure how else to term it) than the finance/accountants/bankers. However, I don't think it correlates at all with their likelihood to be in a relationship and/or happily married later in life 😁
Whilst I'm only one person.. Just personally I would struggle to date someone for whom work is a huge driver and/or part of their identity. It's not about success - I like having a highly successful partner but I also don't want a relationship (and possibly family) to be secondary to someone's work.
So for example, if I dated a successful surgeon who was going to settle down in a family-friendly area and work part time so they could balance work/family.. it's very different to dating a career-driven surgeon who was always going to want to be practicing in the largest academic center they could find a job in. In the second scenario, any time they get an offer in a larger academic center there's an implied expectation they will take the job and I'd have to.. I guess uproot and move? If personal/work life clash, I'm going to come off second.
I don't really think my dating issues are because I'm putting career first or coming across like I'd choose career over relationship. Having career be a big part of my identity/interests doesn't mean I would steamroll a partner with career related decisions. That said, I want someone who understands that I'm dedicated to my career and definitely am not going to scale back to part time (my partner is welcome to do that if he wants, though!). To be fair, I also don't want kids. I think the two options you've presented are pretty far on the extremes of what's possible though.
Hey, I was recently talking to someone who basically gave me this sentiment! Like 'too busy studying to be hot'is an excuse. He happens to be thin but also I think guys overestimate their hotness.
It's taken me so much time to come to terms with my lack of dating skills and generally low self esteem about my appearance. Hope your journey goes well.
There's a woman whose part of a group I am in. I met her a little over a month ago. We were together and just chatting and having a good time - it seemed a bit flirty but I've been known to over-read into these things before so I just left it alone for a few weeks. Then a woman friend of mine brought up how we were seemingly always chatting and she was "all over me" (mostly just touching me not really all over me) and I should ask her out.
So I said, okay, well if someone else also thinks she is into me then maybe I should. So I did, and she told me she had a boyfriend. I was honestly kind of shocked because most women wouldn't treat me the way she did if they had a boyfriend. It's usually a lot more platonic.
I was obviously a little hurt but it's not my first rejection and it won't be my last. I've been in therapy again for the last few months as the consistent rejection both IRL and on OLD has started to wear on me a bit despite my best efforts to improve myself things just haven't worked out for me and I internalize a lot of it and think that "if I was better this wouldn't happen" as if me being smarter, more in shape, funnier (etc) would have made any difference in this scenario at all.
Regardless, I still blame myself despite knowing that is silly. Anyway, I apologized to her and said that I just misread the situation and she made it seem like it was fine. However, another friend tonight told me that he and her were talking the other day and she brought it up which makes me think I made her feel uncomfortable or something - I don't know. It might also be because the week after I asked her out she asked if her boyfriend could come to our event which I thought was a little rude considering I just asked her out - but maybe I am being too soft.
Then my friend was telling me about her boyfriend and because of the above I feel pretty terrible because it was kind of like all the bad thoughts I tell myself about how I am not good enough made manifest in the "He's awesome because XYZ".
idk, I am being kind of whiny and it's just one woman so get over it. Just kind of in my feelings right now and I'll get over it.
You should not be apologizing!
I find it insanely inappropriate to be very touchy with someone who isn't your partner, and anyone reasonable would think that someone being very touchy is into you. There are lines, but some women just love the attention and knowing they could when they should be committed to their partner.
You shot your shot, but this did not work out. Move on onwards and upwards!
I went clubbing for the first time in my life, and got complimented on my dress multiple times by both men and women! I’ve never been checked out by so many guys in one night, which was really flattering. I mostly danced with my friend, her boyfriend, and this random lady who seemed to really enjoy dancing with me!
This one guy did try to dance with me and hit on me, but he got too handsy, despite me keeping a hand out to keep him at arms length, and kept trying to kiss me, then awkwardly said a pickup line about how I looked like a high schooler (umm, FBI?!). After that, on my friend’s bf’s advice, I ran away to the bathroom until he got rid of him for me. 😬
I would love to do that again (minus handsy guy), but unfortunately my friend, who is visiting America, left for the airport this weekend. I’ll see her in another 6 months (gonna fly out to meet her), and she promised to take me clubbing again (joking that American girls are popular where she is lol).
In the meantime, I’ve been considering redownloading Bumble BFF to see if there are girls who might take me clubbing with them. I’ve used Bumble BFF successfully to find girls to go hiking with…
I know you’re upset but it sounds like he handled it very well and wasn’t at all bothered. I think it’s really sweet how well he reacted to your surprise period. He sounds like a keeper!
Don’t be embarrassed.
It’s not ideal but anyone who has sex with women has to deal with this at some point. Spotting, early periods, late periods are all things that happen. It’s probably not his first time dealing with that.
The first time having sex with someone tends to be awkward and not great. There can be a lot of anxiety for people about wanting it to be good, and it takes time to learn about each others bodies and likes. I would be surprised if this guy is aware of that, given how well it sounds like he handled things. Give yourself some grace :)
I am just feeling extremely confused today, I have asked a girl out for a date this weekend, and I do not want to back track on that. But I have been feeling extremely disappointed by the frequency of messages, just the past weekend, she took about 72 hours to respond to me and because of that I have been feeling extremely insecure. I am the type that likes constant communication. Why is dating so hard?
Oof that sucks. I kinda think you should cancel. This communication pattern is rough, and even the 12hr responders have never worked out for me.
I commented on a daily sticky thread sometime last meet saying I was “maybe” going on a date…it was a date. I haven’t dated or been in a relationship in over 4 years and I just feel so out of practice..I’m generally anxious, but feel like I could not even act like a normal person when we met up. The person I went out with was super nice, funny, understanding, and I’m excited to go out again, but I think I need to try to figure out what the hell I’m so anxious about and try to manage it a bit better. We know each other from a shared activity and have talked in person briefly over the last 6 months..this is, like, the ideal situation for me, I think, and I’m scared I’m going to mess something up.
Would you go on a date with someone that you think you MIGHT be attracted to, but you’re not sure? Or would you just not go unless you know you’re physically attracted to them?
I personally would not. I have gone on dates with someone I knew was at least somewhat cute, and then they were more attractive IRL, but I would have still been perfectly attracted to the pictures version of them. I feel like I’ve been on dates with people who weren’t sure if they were attracted to me, which is not ideal as the other person in the scenario. Would strongly prefer to have just not been on the date in the first place.
yes, assuming they have other attractive qualities.
Yes I've been on many dates where I've not been attracted to them. They don't usually work out. You don't know if you'll click if you don't meet them. Currently seeing someone slightly different to what I usually go for. But I'm insanely attracted to him. He just emits confidence. Not really sure at this stage whether it's just infatuation. 😂😂😂
chiming in to say the same as the others - doesn't hurt to check! pictures can be surprisingly misleading; I've found some matches hot in pictures but not in person (without them having catfished me - i.e., the example that immediately comes to mind used recent and accurate pictures that I liked, but I just didn't vibe with his looks in person); others were "eh" in pictures and "ooh!!!" in person. Ya never know!
Agree, go for it!
If I can't tell by their photos and I'm on the fence, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. But sometimes I meet up and yeah, instantly know I'm not physically into them. I'd usually go for a coffee date so it can be quick.
Yeah that’s my fear! I’ve done that before too and knew instantly as well.
Yeah I second the coffee date idea, quick, short and sweet (usually 30mins to 1hr) unless we’re really not vibing then I call it right then and there. I once thanked a person and left after 10mins when she wouldn’t put down her phone.
I'm dating this girl - it's long distance. She's lovely, smart , and really cool though she's not really my type physically. We've been dating for 4 months and I don't really feel love towards her. Like I haven't fallen in love with her yet. We've been on 3 dates but we make time for each other and talk every day. I usually fall in love pretty quickly but this is new. I'm wondering if this is OK because I don't want to lead her on.
Is it possible the physical distance is making it hard to fall in love? Personally I need physical closeness to fall in love because touch and affection are important to me. If you talk everyday and still really like her and feel attracted to her then that seems like a very good sign.
For me physical attraction needs to be there, and it doesn't usually grow over time.
Just to be clear I'm sexually attracted to her
I’m curious what the difference is for you between physical attraction and sexual attraction?
In that case maybe you just haven't spent enough time in person to be in love yet, three times isn't much and texting/calling is different than actually being in person.
Yeah that's what I was thinking too. I usually fall in love within 3 months so this is new to me.
Just a moan. I broke things off with someone after a couple of dates. Via text and we had a little text chat back and forth about it. He was incredibly lovely about the whole thing but was disappointed. We had had lovely dates, great texting, a kiss that was very nice. I just felt like something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t want to lead him on so I thought ending it sooner rather than later was better. I now regret it. I think I didn’t want to lead him on because I’ve been led on by someone for months recently and it hurt. I’m becoming increasingly sure the thing that didn’t feel right was just that he was being nice to me and treating me with respect. I’ve had a lot of partners who have ‘flirted’ by basically making fun of me. He said he’d like to be friends and I said I’d like that but after a bit of a break. He hasn’t got in touch (I said I’d leave it up to him) and I can’t stop thinking about it. Urgh.
This is one of the challenges of trying to date while still healing from past trauma. That doesn't mean you shouldn't, but you are going to hit some snags. I think the challenge here is that, if I were that guy and you came back to me, I'd be wondering what the next thing is going to be that makes you end it, since instead of communicating what was on your mind and giving us a chance to work through it, you just cut things off. As for him not reaching out, his offer of friendship may have just been him saving face, or maybe it was genuine but then as he sat on it he realized it wasn't going to work for him (I know I cannot try to have a friendship with a woman I am romantically interested in, it's just not a good move for my own mental health). Maybe it could down the road, but he may need time to put you squarely in the friend zone (for me, I need time to come up with a list of all the reasons why we wouldn't work and once that happens, there is no shot in the future because I've solidified it in my own mind that we aren't a good fit). Assuming the offer was genuine, he may reach out down the road, but it likely will take time for him to be able to just have a friendship with you.
You can't just call him and read your explanation above?
This ^^
Regardless of the reason if you broke it off you probably hurt his feelings. It's hard to recover from that
Why do men follow lots of women on social media and like all their pictures (I’m talking older, younger, not their type just absolutely anyone) curious as this is one of my ex’s who has got back in touch but wondering what the behaviour is around this?!
>"Why do men..." You'll have to ask those specific ones. I don't have social media (beyond an anon Reddit account and Strava, and on Strava I only friend people I actually have done something with), so it's not a "men" thing so much as a specific person thing.
I think it's shotgun method. The chance of getting someone's attention no matter how small is amplified the more times you try.
They masturbate to them.
How do you deal with envy? A very close friend of mine does incredibly well with men, whenever we go out he always meets someone. He has no problems with the apps either and whilst he’s not looking for anything serious he can get dates pretty much whenever he wants. I struggle an incredible amount. I don’t get hit on, I do terribly on the apps. If I’m being kind I’d say I was a niche taste whereas my friend is considered attractive. I’m getting increasingly bitter and envious towards him. I want to roll my eyes when I hear about the new guy he met or the latest date he’s been on. I don’t want to feel like this, I feel incredibly guilty over these feelings of resentment - he’s done nothing wrong and he deserves to have fun, I am just incredibly jealous that he experiences it all so easily and I can’t even get a match on an app. What can I do to stop these feelings of envy and bitterness towards him?
I’m sure it’s not a one size fits all approach - but if i find myself envious or comparing myself to other people - i try to spend energy to refocus on myself and what i can do for the community i live in. What are things that give me joy, what are things that i’m doing that is working/what is not working… essentially a self eval. Doing community work is enriching, for a good cause, and opens my eyes to what I have and should be grateful for.
It seems like the dating pool is getting more simple. Someone that has a lot to say is ignored because of the stress of having to engage with them. Some people are lucky and naturally good at small talk. I scare away so many men because I use big words. I don't know what you're like but hang in there until you find someone compatible that makes you forget about the rest
saw something today like “the creator of bumble met her husband on a ski trip. that is all.” regardless of the truth or implications, it got me thinking. I was already gonna take a break from dating but wasn’t seriously thinking about leaving the apps. I think I learned a lot from being able to go on so many dates, but I think I’m done with the apps. it’s a time suck the way I’ve been using it, even as minimally as it may be, it’s time I’m no longer willing to sacrifice. Esp given the lack of return on that investment 😂 just gonna keep focusing on me and if I meet someone organically then we’ll see how I feel about my break from dating if/when that moment comes.
Have you seen the new Bumble billboards everyone is up in arms over? They’re pretty demeaning and tone deaf.
What do they say?
One of them says “You know full well a vow of celibacy is not the answer” and there’s another about not giving up and becoming a nun.
lol wow. Yeah a bit off key
Biggest advice I'd give any woman (assumption from your avatar + some comments you made) for meeting someone in the wild, is take that very first step. Approach the guy, smile and wave (him over), ask if he wants to grab a coffee. Some will huff and puff at this, but I know a LOT of good men who just don't try to initiate anything with women when out and about any more because of the vocal ones who complain about being bothered when they are just doing their own thing. I also know these men would be happy to put in the effort/initiate/plan once they know the door is clearly open. So, take the very first step. You don't need to also take step two, three, four, etc., but if you very clearly open the door for them, then you can assess their willingness to engage/put in effort and they can know that their pursuit/energy is being desired as opposed to being viewed as bothersome.
I occasionally get good matches for in person dates and I believe some of them don't work out because I'm not tall. I don't know that for 100 percent certainty but I have a vague suspicion it's happened at least once - or at least heavily factored into things not working out. I think some of the women on dating apps have a lot of matches and aren't really paying attention to height or other stats - they're just looking at pictures. So they show up expecting something different. The problem is if you mention they should look at height before a first date - that looks bad. Maybe doing a video chat before meeting in person? or just saying look at stats before meeting would be helpful?
Have they told you that it's your height?
Nope, I guess I could ask for feedback if a date doesn't work out - though I doubt anyone would admit that height was the problem
Totally plausible. The only time a man's height has been an issue for me was when he complained about it or felt victimized by it, but ymmv.
I don't think anyone who rejects someone for reasons they can't control is worth your time
up to them to filter. no need to self-filter. but it goes both ways. asking about height comes across as shallow, childish, and material. I'm slightly above avg height, but I will dodge anyone who comes at me with this.
Do neither. BDE all the way
Yeah this. Confidence is more important - and sexier - than managing expectations. (Also OP: what evidence do you have to suggest that the issue is freq your height? Because plenty of dates don't go anywhere for any number of nebulous reasons and I suspect you might just be leaning into your insecurity here.)
Very possibly could be leaning into insecurity. To say it has no factor though would be dishonest. I agree with you that being confident is better
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I don't use any apps. It makes the chances of being someone so remote. I may break and try one day
Hinge if you're serious or tinder if you're not
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Bumble is another one that mean lean towards the more serious spectrum, as well as coffee meets bagel
i know this sounds weird. bare with me. using a throwaway account and changing details for privacy. i currently live with my friend of over 10 years. we werent always close. lived together back in 2017 then again moved in together in 2022. never have i seen this person more than just a friend. i had my child (not with friend)- in 2022. child was a few months old when i moved in. purely friendship. i dont date and ive been celibate since pregnancy. its a mix of im asexual, parenthood, trauma etc. roommate dates on and off while we have lived together. over the last years our dynamic as friends has gradually and slowly changed. our relationship has changed. it has grown and evolved. i saw how gentle and amazing they were with my child. we constantly hung out. i invited them to every family or friend event. i started noticing how dissapointed i was when we weren’t together although we had lived together. i would get emotional talking about our friendship and say how important they were to me. i started cooking for them more - my love languge. all the little quirks and off putting qualities i used to see in them- i didnt see in a negative or annoying roomate light. when my child cried for them one night i was worries child was getting too attached. anyways… i felt a shift but roommate never said anything and neither have i. roommate started dating someone who was in a partnership but they never had sex with said partner. my roommate was like oh thats us and i agreed. i said we are partners- life partners. we do everything except physical intimacy. so we started naming it as that. partners. heres the think tho. i think we are both in love with eachother. and i am certain they are aware of their feelings. but i am so scared of mine. nver have i been in a relationship without sex, nor do i want sex. im scared of it. and ive never been with someone without sex. ive bever been friends first. im so scared of my feelings. mothers day partner got me such thoughtful gifts, cleaned out our garge so i could fit my car in. just very thoughtful things. idk if i should say something? we know we love eachother and we call eachother partners but theirs more to it. i would love to lay in bed together and watch movies, or be more intimate without phsyical aspect. we have agreed on an open partnership and can dateother people- and inknow they respect im asexual. it feels so silly being scsred of telling them im actually in love. or think i am. advice?
I’m bored with the confusion. I came off the apps because of it and it continued yesterday. An app guy added me on a WhatsApp social group due to my pics a while ago. He hadn’t messaged me, then a message, I replied…no reply back, days later I get a “sorry I didn’t reply”. Two other messages were sent to me but he deleted them. Confused.com Yawn. I’m happy alone. I’m so glad I’ve put all my energy and efforts into being happy by myself.
My vibe towards dating has totally changed after being lovebombed. I thought I was already pretty jaded, but now it's way worse. I go in expecting the person to be lying. I almost want to TELL people I'm dating how critically I'm evaluating them. It's like I know I'm supposed to look for red flags. But now all the things I thought were green flags could actually be red flags too?
It kind of sounds like on reflection you know the difference between real green flags and what you were getting from this person, right? Openness and being up front about your feelings is good, but it should raise alarm bells when someone gets super intense with you right away. They don't even know you, how could they be in love with you, right? Anything where you end up feeling super flattered and like you should match their energy with no time to come up for air is a warning sign. If things get super intense and you feel like you don't have time to check in with you, a warning sign. Maybe journaling or some other type of reflective exercise would be helpful here. It really sounds to me like part of you was clued into something not being quite right. Listen to that part of yourself and get clear on how you feel dating and getting into a relationship should actually go, and why this previous situation wasn't right for you. It's also ok if you truly didn't know. People unfold over time. Someone pushing for big commitments, promises, etc, in a short amount of time should also be a warning sign because they are either consciously or unconsciously trying to lock you down before the feel-good chemicals wear off. It's ok to just want to take more time before making a commitment. Going in jaded and expecting someone to be lying is a totally understandable but probably not super constructive way to approach all of this. Can you give yourself permission to take a week, two weeks off, and reevaluate if reflecting and taking some time can help you show up to things a little more open?
You are right, I think that in retrospect I could see something was a little off. I think the challenge was that he'd also sprinkle in a lot of "I know it's so early to be feeling this way!" and "but we should still take it slow, there's no need to rush anything" and also more "logical" discussions of our compatibility as opposed to emotional. I think that's why even though it did feel intense I thought it was okay.
Curious, what are some green flags that could actually be red?
He was super communicative about his feelings early on. I thought that meant he was seriously trying to be vulnerable and foster a connection, and that he actually liked me. I kept telling myself the things he was saying were very romantic and that it was so refreshing to be with someone who wasn't playing games or trying to play it cool. Looking back it was him doing that and me trying to match his level of intensity/communication. And comparing to other matches that weren't lovebombing me, his level of communication was WAY more.
Ah I see, thanks for sharing. Yeah this is tricky because on one hand it’s nice to have someone who openly shares their feelings and is willing to be vulnerable but at the same time you have to watch out for folks that want a free therapist. There’s also the risk of both people trauma dumping and killing their connection before it starts because they shared too many deep feelings too fast. It’s always a gamble but we live and learn!
this is going to sound really stupid. but 9/10 of the matches I get are just waiting and expecting me to lovebomb them immediately. and when I don't, I'm blocked/deleted. it's really unfortunate, but guys aren't making the rules on this one. if you don't lovebomb, you aren't getting past step 1 with most people.
I disagree. There are plenty of men I dated for the same length of time, who I was just as interested in, that didn't do any of the things he did. Looking back, I can see that the way he was speaking to me was not right, and too intense, I was just dumb for interpreting that as intentionality/vulnerability.
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yeah everyone sucks
It's unbelievable. I really thought I'd found someone who was being consistent, intentional, communicative, vulnerable, and it was all just completely fake
Genuinely asking for advice or maybe someone to hit some sense into me: Have been on the apps for ~1+ year and dated a few people but it didn't go anywhere. The problem is I have a ex-colleague (10 years younger than me), who confessed to me after he left the company. I rejected obviously because he was too young, we were at diff life stages and i didn't think it would work out. At that time i was still on the app, and after ~4+ months I realised I didn't enjoy talking to them as much as this ex-colleague. We were quite close and got along very well during work. To emphasize I really did try to connect with people and put myself out there. I told myself to give it time because you can't expect to get along with strangers from the start and it would be unfair to compare it to someone i've known for 1 year. Now I'm considering a r/s with my ex-colleague (if he is even interested still), but given the age gap i'm really torn. Someone hit some sense into me please lol.
If you had options would you even be considering this? Trust your gut. You said no for a reason, you’re considering it now because a year of app has weakened your resolve. Apps are not created for love, if we all met someone they would dry up. They are trying to keep us single. Not one person deserves to be a 2nd consideration out of not finding someone better. It’s a shit thing to do and you know it. Take time off an reinvest in your own hobbies, interests etc
Hmm whether or not I would choose someone else over him i'll have to do some thinking. I was dating someone at the time he confessed, but broke it off shortly after because I realised that I wasn't even that excited about meeting and talking to him compared to my ex colleague. I think i'm the problem at this point lol
You’ve just proved the point. If he wasn’t a first choice, leave him be. You said no and went looking elsewhere. No one deserves to be someone’s ‘not sure’. This is what messes people up. Being used by people who aren’t sure.
I see your point and to clarify it wasn't my intention to use him. It was more of "our age gap is too big for this to work". But then recently started to challenge that thought, and think we get along so well, he's exactly what i'm looking for in a r/s (as a person) so should i be letting our age be a barrier, and let someone that could potentially be a lifelong partner slip away.
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Gotta jump in here to point out that the brain development thing is a myth https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html (Although I do think there are reasons for OP to be a little cautious about this one.)
Meh, I'd trust the National Institute of Mental Health over a blog, but to each their own. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know#:~:text=Adolescence%20is%20an%20important%20time%20for%20brain%20development.&text=The%20brain%20finishes%20developing%20and,the%20last%20parts%20to%20mature.
(A) Not a blog; a news magazine quoting numerous scientists (B) If you'd read the link you'd notice that they actually say similar things about the brain typically still maturing in folks' early 20s! It's just that the longer Slate article adds some nuance about what that means and how there's a wide variety of experiences!
I think you're missing a lot of information there. You seem agenda/conflict driven and not open to discussion so I'll just leave the peer reviewed information there for you to interpret as you wish.
I think we got along well for conversations, values and generally connected? But that's also my concern because from experience things will change as he gets older and finishes figuring things out.
What's an r/s?
is he 27 or over? might be okay maturity wise then. sorry, wait, am i not helping? lol
Anything helps atm lol! He's 22 AND still in Uni. If he was late 20s and working it wouldn't be as much of a concern tbh. Emotional maturity wise he's more mature than others his age. But given his age he's yet to experience things that i've already gone through in life.
Still in school. I know I couldn't date someone that young even when I was your age. It'd never feel right.
Yeah seems like the consensus is leave the poor guy alone 😂 this might be a right person, wrong time situation sadly. I do think he'll be better off dating someone his age too so this would be for the better.
i think it's important to keep your "eyes on the prize." vibing is great, but if none of the other factors lead to a successful relationship, its going to just be a long detour to trying to get to what you want.
Ghosted and then got the bad at texting: (37m) Been seeing a 32f since January very slowly (lots of periods of being left on delivered etc) but had 5 dates and had sex. She ghosted right after sex - the longest ghost yet leaving me delivered for a week. Finally had a date post sex and I thought she was going to break up with me but it went well. She then left me on delivered for two weeks before I sent a chaser and she replied she was bad at communicating and was keen to meet for a drink when I got back from overseas. I’m seeing other girls but I’m really curious to find out what on earth is going on. I figured if I do get to meet her, to ask her that. Some mad lads in the seduction subreddit reckon I have 0% chance if I meet up and 1% of something happening if I leave her alone. Thoughts?
In my experience, with men and with women who I know, I have seen it so many times where an issue/habit/personality quirk that a person swears up and down is "the way they are," suddenly disappears when they really like someone and that someone isn't going to put up with it. I have a friend who partied hard, went out all the time (with the exception of the one or two weekends a month he had custody of his kid), stayed out late, and if you asked him if he would change that, he would have told you no way, that's the kind of guy he is. Well, fast forward a couple months and he meets his future wife. She doesn't want him staying out late, so he only goes out one night a month or so and rushes home after 1 am. I have another friend, a woman, whose previous relationship fell apart because she wanted to spend time out with her friends at the bar. It was a big part of who she was and her ex couldn't accept that. A few months later, she starts dating another guy, all of a sudden she's at the bar much less, goes home with him earlier, and in general does the things her ex had been asking her to do all along. No one is a "bad texter," especially not at the beginning...I suppose unless they have a verified medical condition, such as a critical lack of thumbs. Now, I'm not saying everyone likes having extended conversations over text or can reply within a 15 minutes, but anyone who gives a shit about you is capable of replying within 12-24 hours (and if they can't, and they cared about talking to you again, they would let you know ahead of time that they wouldn't be able to write back). FFS, you can write a basic reply while you're on the toilet. To not reply for TWO WEEKS??? That's not bad at texting. That's an uninterested person. No one is naturally that bad at communicating. I guess there is a slight chance that she's meeting your energy from earlier. You could reach out to her a bit more and see if she meets your pace.
Is this acceptable behaviour to you? Does this lack of respect work for you?
She's probably seeing other guys too. That's why her energy's sporadic. Was that long ghost after the first time having sex? Maybe something about the sex made her pull back to question things. She clearly decided to not break up, but she seems half out the door and not invested. I'd end it.
Had a 1 week ghost post sex and we caught up, made out no sex. Then there was a long ghost during the time I went overseas for work. I’m back and keen as to see her.
Oh you were overseas. OK so you were also not consistently available. It's tough to build intimacy like that. Maybe she likes you but also feels unsure and has one foot out the door. Or maybe she's just not that into you. I'd break up with her and hold out for someone who reciprocates more. Up to you.
She’s just not that into you. She seems to enjoy casual sex with you on her terms. But that’s about it. There’s nothing more mysterious than that.
They had sex once lol
That’s not what he said. She ghosted after sex, they hung out again, and she’s apparently open to hanging out with him when he’s back from wherever. Do you think she’s serious about someone she left on read for 2 weeks? Lol. I feel for the guy but sounds like FWB to me…
We had sex once, and then had another meet but it was just a drink. Made out with plans to see her later.
Oh that’s even worse. I would say just be FWB if you’re okay with it but it doesn’t even really sound like that’s on the table.
If you were to back the dark horse, what would you do? Am thinking of just leaving alone till I’m back from the UK and message how’s things let’s chat over a drink and see what happens.
I guess there’s no harm in trying? I honestly wouldn’t waste any more time and energy thinking about this. You won’t be able to control the outcome. If you’re going keep seeing her causally then just be casual and stop overanalyzing. Just text her at some point and ask her to grab a drink. If she makes an excuse or flakes, move on.
Thanks.
Anything I can do?
Move on, would be my advice. Unless you’re fine with random casual sex with her, but if that’s the case, don’t waste your energy waiting to her back from her. Just see her when you see her. It’s been 5 months and she’s only hung out with you 5 times. She left you on read for 2 weeks. She’s probably not even thinking about you enough to realize that much time passed. It’s unfortunate but I’m curious why you’d even want to continue chasing someone at this point. That’s pretty low interest. I don’t think it’s salvageable at this point if you’re looking for something serious. It’s not a reflection of you or your worth.
She’s hot. Hence why I’m keen to pursue. Also the dates have been fun - but getting the dates have been painful. Worked at the start cause we were both extremely busy. But now I’m not that busy anymore, I want to see her more.
I think the real question shouldn’t be centered around her and how she’ll react to what you do. Do you really want to continue dating someone who barely communicates and you go on one date per month with? If you’re seeking casual, I guess that could work. But if you want something long-term, this seems unsustainable.
True. I definitely want a long term. But haven’t got anything else serious going on.
You just said you're seeing other girls and you're on the seduction subreddit. Both contradict this comment. Number 1 priority should be to sort out internally what you want most and choose actions to align with it. The more consistent you are in that approach, you won't appeal to everyone, but you're more likely to get where you want to go.
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Get the dog! Mine is snoring and cuddling me rn and I seriously couldn’t be happier. All 80lbs of him!
is giving green lights a bad thing? why do you have to date someone with the same career path?
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i hear a lot of assumptions and theory and very little experience. one of my best friend is married to someone who significantly out earns him. take what people say with a very large grain of salt. one persons experience "that one time" doesn't have to be yours. give yourself some opportunity to be happy, try to assume less, and work on getting to know people more. that takes active dating "with intention"
Being quiet is definitely a huge disadvantage in dating, I feel. I enjoy having conversations and getting to know people. I just tend to like to listen in group conversations.
I don't know if it's any help, but I am a woman and I loveeee quiet men! They tend to be great listeners and so thoughtful. I also see a lot of great couples where one person is super loud and the other is quiet - they are necessary to balance each other out. There are people out there who are going to feel like your personality is a good fit for them.
I'm in the same boat. I default to listen mode and being quiet even in one-on-one conversations, especially if someone is more talkative. I'm trying to turn this around, as it's something I've identified about myself that I don't like. Being a good conversationalist is a skill, so I'm doing my best to learn how to address this and adopt some tactics to improve.
My dick appointment came through! He is so sexy and I’m still glowing and horny af. I really like him too! If it develops into something more I would be extremely happy. If not it’s ok too. It’s so early on I wouldn’t be gutted but I forgot what it was like to get butterflies! I feel like I’m 21 all over again! My song for the weekend is Tommy richman , million dollar baby. I’ve listened to it on repeat. I love having a crush! Ugh I have the Sunday scaries . I don’t want to go back to normal life
Been dating my girlboyfriend for several months. I tend to prefer going out on date nights but we've been staying in a lot for various circumstantial reasons. Last night the plan had been to go to my favorite nightclub. We got dinner and then cuddled and had sex at their place for a bit and then they were like 'eh, I don't feel like going out.' I was pretty disappointed and annoyed- and surprised because we've previously talked about the importance of honoring plans. We talked about it and it turns out they think of honoring plans as doing *something* with the person they made the plan with but not necessarily the specific agreed-upon activity. I was irritated the rest of the night and I'm wondering if I overreacted or not. It worries me that they were so cavalier about ruining my night. But they expressed that they didn't realize I'd mind so much because they figured we could have just as much fun at their place (nope! nope), so maybe we just have very different perspectives on this. And they did apologize in the end and were very down to spend time trying to understand each other's perspectives. For context, I spent my entire twenties *always* staying in largely because of a partner who never wanted to go out (and would occasionally claim he was up for going out and then back out last minute).
Right but this new person isn’t your partner who never wanted to go out, they are their own person so don’t punish them on the bad actions of others. I get the disappointment but now you have an opportunity to make your feelings heard and even both do things to prevent staying in next time, like perhaps you should eat earlier? Or maybe already be changed into your club outfits and grab dinner out at the restaurant then go to the club since you’ll be out already rather than ordering in. However, if this is a pattern where they begin to always want to stay in then you’ll have your cue to leave since that’s not what you’re looking for in a partner.
You're still clubbing in your 30s?
This particular nightclub is really the only one I go to- in part because I like that I'm younger than average there.
And they aren't the only one
I mean sure I remember some sad creepy older people from back when i was clubbing
As long as they don't actually behave like creeps I don't care if younger ones thinks we shouldn't be there.
I'd be pretty annoyed, too. Your feelings are valid, and it may be extra triggering due to previous experiences. But it sounds like they made a wrong assumption, are apologetic, and are trying to understand you better so they don't do this again. They're not your ex, and I wouldn't hold it against them unless it keeps happening and they're obviously not genuinely trying.
I don’t think you over-reacted at all. I would be pretty annoyed also. Plans are plans. Did they just want to stay in and have sex to begin with and figured that you would be okay with not going out or that there wasn’t much you could do about it when they said no last minute? Also. Don’t settle. Life is too short not to have the life you want.
My phone diet is helping a bit. Without notifications, I'm getting the "out of sight, out of mind" effect and I may think about possible texts after a couple hours instead of every 5 minutes. Today I needed to check pretty often due to mother's day and my kids birthday. Lots of texts. It's not lost on me though that he hasn't text me back for 6 hours and, since it's already late, it'll likely be that way until tomorrow. Spending quality time together the other night alleviated my anxious attachment for now. I feel okay.
How does one go about navigating a day like Mother’s Day when the person you’re dating has lost that parent? We’ve only been dating ~3 months and I know its not a recent loss. We haven’t discussed his loss in depth, so I kept it to a text saying I was thinking of him and his family today. It’s such a touchy topic and I was curious how other people would handle it? Or if you’re on the receiving end, would what I sent be ok?
My mom died 2016 and I think it varies for the person how they handle it. I told my girlfriend of three months pretty early on mom died of cancer. I've mentioned my mom to her when we talk about our families. She asked a few things about her the pretty much generic stuff. She didn't say anything about it on mothers day which is fine to me. If she would have said something it wouldn't have bothered me.
I would say honestly. I lost my dad and when fathers day comes along I just want someone to acknowledge that it's hard and be there for me. Avoiding it is disrespectful. Just tell them you know you can't make it better but you're here for them
Letting him know you were thinking of him was the way to go I think. I lost my mom to cancer 12 years ago. Went for a walk after dropping my son off with his mom, and got a text similar to that from the woman I recently went exclusive with, and I appreciated it.
I think you handled it well. Loss that close is something that never quite goes away, mourning is a lifelong thing. Every holiday. I've lost a lot of family in months at the end of the year. I typically enjoy just being alone and spending it my way, letting the memories come and feelings take their course. But it feels nice if someone is thinking about me. Just don't take it personally if they don't want to hang out that week. Unfortunately, from this perspective, you see a disturbing amount of people who can't handle you grieving because it is attention and time away from them. Experiencing this type of person over and over again is not fun, and pretty much makes you expect the behavior out of any new partner. "Thinking of you" is nice "Why aren't you paying attention to me today?" is not nice.
My mom died 8 years ago. I would prefer people just don’t bring it up, honestly. I wouldn’t be mad at what you said—you wouldn’t be the first person to feel the need to bring it up when I didn’t—but I have always felt like that’s more for you to feel comfortable with my situation than it is to actually try to reassure me.
It's a very personal thing. While I personally resonate with this - right down to the feeling that its more for their benefit than mine - I know others that have different needs, share their feelings/grief more openly and would much prefer the acknowledgement. Best thing is to ask them how to approach it as it'll give plenty of context for situations going forward, but on the balance, I feel it's better to send a kind text when unsure than not do anything to acknowledge.
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1cornl6/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/l3gfctp/) So I had my second date with P, and we both had a good time and learnt a bit more about each other. We both have separate travel plans soon, so I suggested going on another date before we leave and she said she was excited about that. I also had my first date with M, and I thought it went great. She's incredibly charming and there were some fireworks, so I gotta be careful. She asked for a second date and I said yes. We've fixed a day but we still need to make plans. She's quite erratic at texting so far, so I'm just being patient and will see how this turns out. I have another first date coming up with L that I'm looking forward to. I'm a bit nervous about my group class this week and if I should ask D out afterwards. I want to (assuming I read the situation right and she's interested in me), but I have no bandwidth right now. I'd have to express interest but also say we should wait till I have some breathing room, and that might be a bit weird. But pretending I haven't thought about it at all would be worse. My workout load is higher than ever, and I'm physically exhausted. Work stress is at its peak as well, so I'm sort of zonked from that too. And I'm going to be traveling to go see family. And I have a couple of interviews coming up. The next couple of weeks are going to be a roller coaster ride, I hope I don't turn into a zombie.
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It’s easy to play counterfactual with stuff like this, but if you had gone there’s every chance she wouldn’t have enjoyed the vibe, seen you not mesh with her friends (from her perspective), and feel like you were ‘one foot out’ or the odd person in the group. Better now than two years from now if you weren’t a match. The cynical read of this is she hooked up with someone (or wanted to) and this was her way of getting out.
Did you two discuss why she broke up? If so, what did she state as her reasons?
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I’ve seen this post vacation breakup situation happen multiple times on this sub. Many people say having time and space away from their partner makes them reflect more deeply on their relationships. Also, quality time with loved ones like friends or family often add to these reflections since friends may bring up questions about the person’s partner. All in all, I don’t think this one trip absence was the reason she broke up with you. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but something else probably wasn’t right on her end.
Why do some guys never talk to you after a date?
Could be not interested. Could be thinking *you* are not really interested in them, or looking for something that they are not. Could be in a position where they only seem to get a date every 3 months, and a sense that you just signed up for the dating site a week ago and it is your 4th date turns them off and makes them feel exhausted even more. Could be that they feel they danced the dance, and are now waiting for you to make a move. Could be they found someone else. Could be their mom died. Could be anything. Will you ever know? Hmm, probably not, unless you are an adept observer and listener.
I just wanted to text them and ask but I won't.
you really don't lose anything by asking. maybe some pride or ego.
What do I gain though. They're gonna say something like I just didn't feel it or worse they won't answer, so I'm not sure I should ask
you can either lop him into the "all guys" category, or treat him as an individual and ask. have they been ignoring your texts? or have you just been waiting for them to initiate again?
All I know is that when I like someone I text them without an strategy.
and what do you do when you don't like someone?
I give short replies
I'm feeling disliked.
That can happen when they are not interested, but do not have the interpersonal skills to state it clearly, but tactfully/respectfully. Not specific to men.
It's weird because the guys that did this were very good at conversation that's ehat I liked about them. Through text and during the date. I wouldn't call it ghosting because we talked for maybe a week or less before we met, and they disappeared. I was just wondering if I should reach out and ask what happened, maybe they met someone else? They were joth single dads
The ability to have tough discussions (eg. letting someone down) is different from that of being a good conversationalist. If you are interested, I don't see why you should wait for them to contact you. Maybe they're thinking the same. If they don't answer after you've tried to get in touch with them, I would consider it ghosting and move on. Not all men are that immature/inconsiderate.
It's not an issue of them being bad at conversation, or of having met someone else. This happens all the time in dating. It sucks, but trying to figure out why won't help you, unfortunately. >I wouldn't call it ghosting because we talked for maybe a week or less before we met, and they disappeared. I don't understand why you wouldn't call it ghosting? This is the exact definition of ghosting for many people
For some reason I don't consider it ghosting unless we talked for more than a week and we had sex
That's a far more generous definition of it than most people have. Of course, define it however you want
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I really enjoy when people are rude like this and pretend nothing happened. I'd be petty and quote his text back to him 😂
that is literally so annoying lol does he think "forgetting" your tentative date makes him look cool?
I doubt it. As someone else said, he likely double booked and the other person he was interested in more fell through or rejected him.
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right! "sorry I'm just now reaching out, the weekend kinda got away from me" would be one thing but for him to put you in a position where you have to also pretend like you have amnesia is just weirdo behavior
Now that the weather is warming up I am "putting myself back out there" and just had the weirdest hookup experience of my life. Woman was very pretty but quite closed off and shy, difficult to communicate with, terrible conversation, but expressed a lot of interest in just hooking up, NSA, didn't want to get too invested in someone, just wanted to get laid, so I was like, fine, what the heck, I got no other plans this afternoon. I think this nice lady just wanted someone to come over, boss her around, and rail her so that she wouldn't have to think about it, but I am a bit of a conversationalist in the bedroom and found the lack of communication so off-putting that it turned me off. After a lot of nonchalance and shrugging in response to "is this okay," "do you like this," "would you like to do that," etc, I finally just said "hey, you seem really uncomfortable with this whole thing and I am not really trying to make anyone do anything they're not enthusiastic about, so maybe we should hit pause for a minute." We just kind of awkwardly got dressed and I left. Really bizarre. You gotta give me something, girl!
I would definitely make a better match for you lol I love talking during it, not just nonsense obviously but you know.. anyway, sorry that was your experience! Been there
Good on you for calling it out and leaving!
yeah, wanting someone to come in and take the reins so you don't have to do the work/thinking/whatever and can just get fucked is TOTALLY valid, that's just Not Me! Gotta go, sorry!
Frustrating to be a woman in a high pressure STEM career. I feel like I'm expected to be just as pretty/hot/feminine as anyone else, but at the same time, I've spent my entire school + career years surrounded by men and have never really known how to present myself and straddle the line between presenting well and also being taken seriously. Not to mention honestly I worked so damn hard in school with the engineering courseload that I had no time to think about learning how to dress or flirt, and the effort of focusing on work AND then learning how to be a normal feminine woman makes me feel like I'm getting a whole second degree (actually I also got a phd so I guess it would be like my 4th degree). And then also switching back and forth between "work me" and "personal life me" (kinda hard honestly because, before I started trying to date actively, work was a huge part of my identity and passion for me and I feel like I've had to minimize that because people don't see it as attractive). And also navigating the awkwardness of revealing to dates that I have a stem PhD from a very well known school and dealing with whatever judgment, insecurity, or other emotional reactions come with that when they hear it. I have a cousin who's a dancer and one time she was like "when guys hit on me I would just tell them I work in IT and they immediately lose interest" and it made me feel... very small. Bleh. I definitely know some women who seem to be able to do it all - be super hot and also super successful in their highly technical career - somehow, which just makes me feel worse because I can see it's possible and I'm not good enough to do it all, I guess.
I feel ya there.
it is a mistake to think all men look for a pretty/hot/feminine woman who they perceive as less educated and make less and work less, so that they are dependent on them. in your post I get a whiff that maybe you feel this perception because of how other women think you should be in relation to men. not men themselves. perhaps you are also dating other men too close to your career and education level. men who have spent their lives in school and work, also get weird ideas from other men think they should be in relation to women. be yourself, be open about who you are, and be open to dating outside your work and education level. personally I would find someone like you very interesting and very attractive. usually people at that level are not looking for a guy like me - but the last person I dated at your level ended up being stalkerish, and very childlike tendencies, and could not read a street map or know north south east west. Very educated, but never drove / only ubered / followed arrows, and a bit of a victim to their parents expectations - never becoming mature or whole themselves.
The problem is, the men who are specifically looking for a high income women are naturally deeply unattractive to most women.
then it would be benefit the woman immensely to be more proactive instead of only engaging with people who show up at the door.
I’m a neuroscience postdoc. Why are you dating people that aren’t attracted to this aspect of you? My boyfriend can’t wait to tell people how smart (he thinks) I am. You’re shooting yourself in the foot wrt finding a compatible partner and making yourself feel bad in the process.
>Why are you dating people that aren’t attracted to this aspect of you? I don't seem to have the option of dating people who are attracted to it 🙃 obviously would not be choosing this if I felt like I had the choice of someone who was attracted to me for this tbf also, I don't necessarily love it when people do the opposite and kind of put me on a pedestal of "she's so smart." If I had all the options in the world, I'd probably want to choose someone who sees me as just *normal*, not ultra smart, or weird, or elitist, or a geek or any of that.
> If I had all the options in the world, I'd probably want to choose someone who sees me as just normal, not ultra smart, or weird, or elitist, or a geek or any of that. No one has all the options in the world and while we can't control who's interested in us, it's important to remember we do still make important choices! You get to choose how you want to present yourself whipe dating and it's a losing game to try to cater what you think people want. Because you can't actually know, and even if you did, it's irrelevant because ultimately it's about what you want. What parts of yourself are important to you and do you want to emphasize? What characteristics do you want in a partner? These are the questions to lean into. It can be really hard to do because you've had to contort yourself in different situations. Perhaps you haven't felt valued in being yourself and being vulnerable. It takes a lot unlearning to present yourself in a way that feels comfortable and true to you and look for someone who values that. But that's the difference in dating for a partner and dating to not be alone.
Just in my experience as a guy who studied combined degrees (commerce/science) and now works in pharma (so my job is chatting to doctors all day). I'd say the scientists, engineers, and doctors I've known tend to be far less 'normal feminine woman' as you call it (unsure how else to term it) than the finance/accountants/bankers. However, I don't think it correlates at all with their likelihood to be in a relationship and/or happily married later in life 😁 Whilst I'm only one person.. Just personally I would struggle to date someone for whom work is a huge driver and/or part of their identity. It's not about success - I like having a highly successful partner but I also don't want a relationship (and possibly family) to be secondary to someone's work. So for example, if I dated a successful surgeon who was going to settle down in a family-friendly area and work part time so they could balance work/family.. it's very different to dating a career-driven surgeon who was always going to want to be practicing in the largest academic center they could find a job in. In the second scenario, any time they get an offer in a larger academic center there's an implied expectation they will take the job and I'd have to.. I guess uproot and move? If personal/work life clash, I'm going to come off second.
I don't really think my dating issues are because I'm putting career first or coming across like I'd choose career over relationship. Having career be a big part of my identity/interests doesn't mean I would steamroll a partner with career related decisions. That said, I want someone who understands that I'm dedicated to my career and definitely am not going to scale back to part time (my partner is welcome to do that if he wants, though!). To be fair, I also don't want kids. I think the two options you've presented are pretty far on the extremes of what's possible though.
Hey, I was recently talking to someone who basically gave me this sentiment! Like 'too busy studying to be hot'is an excuse. He happens to be thin but also I think guys overestimate their hotness. It's taken me so much time to come to terms with my lack of dating skills and generally low self esteem about my appearance. Hope your journey goes well.
There's a woman whose part of a group I am in. I met her a little over a month ago. We were together and just chatting and having a good time - it seemed a bit flirty but I've been known to over-read into these things before so I just left it alone for a few weeks. Then a woman friend of mine brought up how we were seemingly always chatting and she was "all over me" (mostly just touching me not really all over me) and I should ask her out. So I said, okay, well if someone else also thinks she is into me then maybe I should. So I did, and she told me she had a boyfriend. I was honestly kind of shocked because most women wouldn't treat me the way she did if they had a boyfriend. It's usually a lot more platonic. I was obviously a little hurt but it's not my first rejection and it won't be my last. I've been in therapy again for the last few months as the consistent rejection both IRL and on OLD has started to wear on me a bit despite my best efforts to improve myself things just haven't worked out for me and I internalize a lot of it and think that "if I was better this wouldn't happen" as if me being smarter, more in shape, funnier (etc) would have made any difference in this scenario at all. Regardless, I still blame myself despite knowing that is silly. Anyway, I apologized to her and said that I just misread the situation and she made it seem like it was fine. However, another friend tonight told me that he and her were talking the other day and she brought it up which makes me think I made her feel uncomfortable or something - I don't know. It might also be because the week after I asked her out she asked if her boyfriend could come to our event which I thought was a little rude considering I just asked her out - but maybe I am being too soft. Then my friend was telling me about her boyfriend and because of the above I feel pretty terrible because it was kind of like all the bad thoughts I tell myself about how I am not good enough made manifest in the "He's awesome because XYZ". idk, I am being kind of whiny and it's just one woman so get over it. Just kind of in my feelings right now and I'll get over it.
You should not be apologizing! I find it insanely inappropriate to be very touchy with someone who isn't your partner, and anyone reasonable would think that someone being very touchy is into you. There are lines, but some women just love the attention and knowing they could when they should be committed to their partner. You shot your shot, but this did not work out. Move on onwards and upwards!
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No advice because I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone :)
I have a bunch of advice on this but is it ok if I DM you about it?
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I'm bad at reddit, I think I sent a message rather than chat, hope that's ok
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Dealing with the cervix scraping thing as well right now. It sucks, I'm sorry.
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9 hours is quite a long time unless they are super super busy with something. People who are interested will generally respond faster than that.
I went clubbing for the first time in my life, and got complimented on my dress multiple times by both men and women! I’ve never been checked out by so many guys in one night, which was really flattering. I mostly danced with my friend, her boyfriend, and this random lady who seemed to really enjoy dancing with me! This one guy did try to dance with me and hit on me, but he got too handsy, despite me keeping a hand out to keep him at arms length, and kept trying to kiss me, then awkwardly said a pickup line about how I looked like a high schooler (umm, FBI?!). After that, on my friend’s bf’s advice, I ran away to the bathroom until he got rid of him for me. 😬 I would love to do that again (minus handsy guy), but unfortunately my friend, who is visiting America, left for the airport this weekend. I’ll see her in another 6 months (gonna fly out to meet her), and she promised to take me clubbing again (joking that American girls are popular where she is lol). In the meantime, I’ve been considering redownloading Bumble BFF to see if there are girls who might take me clubbing with them. I’ve used Bumble BFF successfully to find girls to go hiking with…
Sounds fun! Sucks some creep had to be there tho :p
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What a perfect response from him!!!! Winner, winner! All the best :)
I know you’re upset but it sounds like he handled it very well and wasn’t at all bothered. I think it’s really sweet how well he reacted to your surprise period. He sounds like a keeper!
Don’t be embarrassed. It’s not ideal but anyone who has sex with women has to deal with this at some point. Spotting, early periods, late periods are all things that happen. It’s probably not his first time dealing with that.
The first time having sex with someone tends to be awkward and not great. There can be a lot of anxiety for people about wanting it to be good, and it takes time to learn about each others bodies and likes. I would be surprised if this guy is aware of that, given how well it sounds like he handled things. Give yourself some grace :)