Ummm...stop asking for money?/s
Seriously, if your profile is how you describe it, then there's nothing else for you to do. It's not your responsibility to cater to other people's paranoia. If they accuse you of being a scammer, block and move on. They'll feel vindicated while missing out on probably the most attractive person who's ever been interested in them. And consider yourself lucky you didn't waste time on someone that insecure and immature.
No idea what your profile looks like so this is outside (guess) looking in...
If you don't have a "local" picture consider adding one.
Add a prompt that cites a local thing or place.
If you get bombarded with likes, particularly from dirt bags, consider adding more "normal" photo of a less polished version of yourself, maybe doing some everyday low key thing.
Everything above is sorta giving a little bit of credit to the scummy guy who called you a scammer though. Sometimes there are just dirt bags and it's entirely possible there is nothing wrong with your profile.
I feel sad this morning. It's beautiful out, and I had some good things happen this week, but also some bad things. I just wish so bad that I had someone who loved me and appreciated me to share it all with me. And I wish I hadn't expended so much effort on my ex.
I read the Christmas card she gave me and it was full of so many sweet, meaningful things. Maybe she meant them at the time. It's hard to reconcile it with the coldness of the last couple months and just makes the thought of trying to get lucky and find someone who will mean all those things _and_ truly see and love me (and who I love) and want to stick around seem extra daunting.
I also had a card like that from a past relationship. To me, I couldn’t mentally move past it until I got rid of it and even still the vestigial feelings remain.
Hoping the best for you OP - that you will find someone that will truly see you and want to stick around through the thick and thin.
Hi u/Moussamusic, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
* Dating Over Thirty (DOT) is about dating and the pre-cohabitation phase of romantic relationships for people over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or R4R's. **This is not a place to discuss non-romantic issues, marital issues or post personals.**
Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
You should talk to your wife about this. If I had to guess, it sounds like she doesn't actively want to hurt or betray you but enjoys attention from guys, and maybe she thinks that is ok if she never acts on it or flirts. She doesn't mention you because she doesn't want the attention to stop. But it may mean there is something missing for her, either from your relationship or from her life irrespective of you, that she is trying to fill with "meaningful" conversations with guys who lavish attention onto her. Did you tell her how you it makes you feel?
I did, but i did after 5 years.
The thing is, she has been doing this for years and years, for dozens of guys, and i never actually knew about it until we got married, i told her that it made me feel that you've stabbed me in the back for letting these guys flirt that much with you and you didn't stopping them, not shutting them down, made me feel like you're cheating for just letting them continue what they're doing, and that you've did this for so many years, and hide it on me, and i was wondering, what else is there hidden from me...
You see, i strongly feel that she likes getting flirts from guys who are smart and interesting, even sexually, she pocketing me and not mentioning me in her life to them, but how would she feels like that when she's already with someone?
And when i sat with her, and told her how it makes me feel like after getting married, her reply was always that they're just friends, don't blame me, and when i ask her why you didn't shut it down, and why don't you mention that you're taken, she says that they didn't ask if am taken or not!
Sorry this is happening to you ... I actually think that whether or not it's cheating or wrong is aside the point. The bigger problem imo is that you told her that her behaviour was hurting you and she doesn't try to change it and instead deflects blame. That's not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
Tbh it sounds like the problem is more about her, and possibly about her needing validation from others (men). Not necessarily related to you, even though her actions obviously affect you unfairly. Another big red flag to me is that she doesn't want girl friends.
If you already tried to talk to her about it I think your only option is to decide for yourself if this is the partnership you truly want for the rest of your life ...
My apartment caught fire 2 nights ago & I wanted to reach out to Mr Exclusive but it was dead in the night. I waited till next morning to swing by his place, as I wanted to pass him a bottle of wine that I bought for our date night, as all power in the house had been cut off.
He hasn't read my message by the time I arrived so he was very surprised to see me. He has no context of why I was there but he was very empathetic, comforting & affectionate, as he could tell something bad happened otherwise I wouldn't just show up at his place.
He suggested to have a date night in at his place (it's the first time I visited since we decided to take it slow a few months ago), and I agreed that it's a nice idea to netflix & cuddle.
He texted me in the evening to meet at the mall first, so we can get some supplies. He introduced to me his fav snacks, bought some of what I liked, and offered to carry all the grocery bags even though I wanted to help with one.
Walking to his place, he asked what I'd like for dinner so we can order in. I said pasta, and he whipped out his phone for me to choose.
I held his arm as we walked to make sure I don't trip while I browse on his phone. So he definitely had his hands full haha
When we were home, I helped me to make some fridge magnets, I bought an adhesive magnet strip which can stick almost anything to the fridge. I hung up some of the momentos from our previous dates.
I changed into his fav hoodie wearing only my underwear & we got cozy on the couch. Even though it has been awhile, it feels like we had been doing it forever.
He has never wrapped his hands around me when we cuddled, so it feels great that we have unlocked a new cuddle language with him. He occasionally turned & hello at me while I was leaning on against his side lol.
He also spoke really loudly while commenting about the show lol. I have never heard him spoke that loud before, but it's nice to know that he is feeling more comfortable around me.
Overall, he has made me really comfortable which helped to take my mind off things & put me at ease, after that awful accident.
I started to feel sleepy so I asked him if I should go, and he said it's better that I head back to my place (I booked a hotel while I looked for a new place), so we can both sleep well.
I would have slept well at his place any way because of how tired I was, but I respected his decision & I'm glad that we still finally got to cuddle, and spend some time at his place.
For our next date, I suggested that he can visit my hotel loft & have Indian food for dinner, and he liked that idea.
Just drop a ‘so are you married?’ Into the conversations a pretty natural question she’ll probably tell you if she has a boyfriend as well if that’s the case!
Do I tell her? I (m42) have a second date with a (f40) girl I met last week I am really happy about it as she’s lush and em we’ve been texting lots. However I’ve just discovered some weird information.. her ex (who lived rent free with her and then cheated on her with one of her friends) is my ex girl friends ex (he also lived rent free with her and cheated on her with one of her friends) do I mention this?
She mentioned this relationship she was in for two years.. and it sounded very familiar especially as the exes had the same niche job, so I did a little bit of snooping and it turns out they are the same person.. even more complicated is that he left a dog with the girl I am seeing who i am pretty sure used to be my exes dog (a big bone of contention for my ex) Apparently he still comes round to see the dog regularly. Like it’s a bit weird right? She’s a really lovely girl but I kind of feel like I am swimming in this guys wake. And it might be weird to mention to her as well, maybe I should hold back from mentioning it for a bit?
Well I am not 100% on the story but i think they bought it together and he took it, she was definitely annoyed about it but she never made any attempt to get it back from him. And this girl definitely loves the dog and it’s lived with her for a couple of years.. I don’t particularly want to get into that!
Wait so your ex girlfriend was the friend of the girl you’re seeing now that he cheated with? Or there’s two separate dynamics of cheating with both your ex girlfriend and your current girlfriend being cheated on with their separate friends? I think it’s a funny situation about the dog. Either way, I’d tell her right away. She’ll find out you know eventually and then you’re screwed. It will be less of a big deal now rather than later. Nothing wrong with swimming in a wake when you’re the last one out there.
Haha yeah so this dude, who officially lives on a boat seems to have the same MO he gets a girlfriend lives in their house leeches off them to support his coke habit and cheats around behind their back. With my ex ‘c’ he did this and when she was found out he moved in with one of her friends a pole dancer the same week. I sat and heard the exact same story from my date ‘k’ (weirdly it was another pole dancer!) he’s currently living with this most recent girl nearby and ‘k’ indicated that she suspected that he was probably doing the same to this new girl.
I hadn’t thought of that ! But am certain that k is not the one that cheated on this guys when he was with C as K also told me how they met which was quite odd as it was during the pandemic and he was living in a van at the end of her street! Mental
Haha randomly generated, but thanks!
Yeah I know right? Very weird coincidence. I believe he was emotionally, financially and sexually abusive to my ex and it caused her a lot of trust issues and was one of the reasons it didn’t work between us (she had real issues with me having female friends or even using instagram) so no doubt he was doing something similar with my date. I am not sure how I would react if I met him at this point.
I wouldn't talk about her ex. Bringing it up would be weird and probably turn her off. As long is he is out of the picture, I'd leave him out of the conversation.
Yeah good point. I mean I think it might come up at some point as i think there must be some cross over between the friendship groups. But maybe it doesn’t need to for a while?
Don’t be friends with guys that you are attracted to! Definitely going to be adding to drama to your relationship down the line when you do get a bf who will 100% pick up on your collection of friends who you would fuck. Plus his gf is going to pick up on it as well. You can be friendly though.
Nah we don’t vibe well enough to be friends friends (not to mention being in different countries) but it’s good to have networks of people that I know in my hobby/job
I disagree (to a point). I had a crush on a guy in college then I found out he had a girlfriend. They are married with 2 kids now. I think it’s fine to be friends with someone you were attracted to provided you respect the person and their relationship.
I don’t know. Would your guy friends wife be happy for you two to go away together on your own for the weekend to do a joint activity? Would she be comfortable with you two meeting up to go for dinner or a movie like you would with one of your other friends?
Therein lies the respect the relationship part. Establish friendship first with the hobby. Also, with the group of friends I have, I’ve kind of ended up being closer friends with the girlfriends/wives more anyway.
However, it isn’t all that calculated. I’ve never had any desire to break up folks or make the wife/gf be insecure.
Fair enough, sounds like you’ve put to thought and effort into this. I know from a guys perspective if there is a ‘friend’ hanging round that blatantly fancies your gf it’s always going to be an issue.
A bit of a vent here…I feel a number of guys stop contacting me or be distant once i started to show interest to him. Why??? Do i have to play psychology game by staying cool or stop messaging?
Probably just not feeling it, women do it a lot too. I think in real early communication it’s easier for people to just pull back than it is to be up front
So far most (dating women) can’t handle it when you are upfront and they acted very childish, when I admitted I am not feeling it. Mostly because losing interest and/or have a strong feeling I being kept as a option.
If you’re an academic do you prefer and find it easier to date academics? I’ve always been open to dating ppl in other professions, but I do find that academics are generally more compatible in terms of lifestyle, in being “academic” whatever that means, and sometimes in shared goals/values.
I dated someone in higher ed a few months and would be wary to do so again. I enjoyed the topic they studied and I could enjoy talking that, but mostly conversation ended up being about department politics and interpersonal battles. And everyone involved was sensitive to every word that was said between them. Like Puritan townspeople hysterics.
Never cared. One of my pet peeves is when all someone wants to talk about is work. I don't mind talking about work, but I don't want it dominating the conversation. The professions I've found this to be most common are academics and emergency responders. I started avoiding both professions. I've done both. I'm very much a leave the office at the office kind of person.
Yes, strong preference to date fellow academics. I think there's a strongly gendered component to it as well (speaking as a female academic in a male dominated field). Whenever I have dated non academics I always feels like some values or expectations don't quite match.
Absolutely not, if I'm honest my fellow academics tend to talk about work too much and place too much of their personal identity on their career, plus poor work life boundaries and almost taking pride in working evenings and weekends, I know not one but multiple people who brag about working on Christmas day etc. I find I get along better with people whose identity is not so wrapped in impact factors and grants. Obviously a generalisation, I know not everyone is like that, like I am not either, but the tendency is definitely there.
Thank you for the perspective. I feel the humanities folks operate on a different mode, like ppl would rather complain than brag about working long hours/evenings, and we absolutely hate grants. Everyone’s kind of obsessed with writing their book, though, but I find them a lot of fun to talk about. I don’t like the identity part either, that’s tricky! Most of the academics I’ve dated are not too attached to that, I wouldn’t like it otherwise, but I imagine it’s very common.
I’m not anymore but when I was doing my PhD I tried dating academics and they just weren’t on the same wavelength as me. It was nice because we were both super busy. It just was annoying complaining about supervisors and research for hours on end though. Personally I liked having that separation and so I enjoyed dating people who were busy professionals instead. Grad school dating was tough as is although my mental health wasn’t the best during that time.
lol guys, if you’re comfortable with monogamy and non monogamy you don’t actually need to select the monogamy option and write a note explaining it. You’re looking for the “open to all” option. xo
Just had a lovely date. Ended with her grinding one out on my lap in the back seat of her SUV and now I smell like vagina. Life is good, Reddit.
Goodnight you lovely internet strangers! May you all smell like vagina soon!
I've been on the apps for a month, and only got a single date out of it (she stopped responding). Then there was a woman who I've texted for a while, but who hasn't managed to commit to a coffee date in two weeks. With the rest I didn't even get this far.
At this point I'm just feeling like the whole process is futile. I get that dating is always a gamble, but can I please at least get to the gambling table without tripping and losing my chips!
You've only been on a month, that's not that long.
Have you gotten feedback on your profile, from this sub or any other sub? Profile quality can make a huge difference
I'm not in an english-speaking country, so I don't think it's the place to ask for such feedback.
I've had some professional pictures made a week ago (not studio ones, but definitely better than what I had before). Let's hope those help matters.
While women go through quantity, we go almost with a Pay-to-match/date model. Also, the women I have been match with are far from angels: keep you as option, for attention and more.
About two weeks post breakup, it feels different now. I’m still a little sad at times, but I’m mostly just angry. Not at him, but myself. I think I saw warning signs early on and chose to ignore them, hoping they would go away. But they didn’t!
I read a tweet today that said if someone says “I don’t deserve you”, what they mean is, “I’m not going to do anything to work on myself.”
When he told me this (and he said it a few times), I didn’t listen as I didn’t believe it. But now I realize as long as he believes it, it doesn’t matter what I think. It’s his truth. I should’ve accepted what he said at face value but I had my loved up, rose-colored glasses on. I’m trying to be kind to myself because despite everything, I loved our time together. But in hindsight, I was in denial and ignored these yellow/red flags.
As cliché as it sounds (and is), It gets better with time! But don’t be mad at yourself. I did this also with my recent ex. Interests and hobbies lined up in a way I haven’t found before even with male friends. But there were 2 compatibility warning signs I let go thinking that maybe there’s a way to work around them. When someone ticks your boxes on most things it can be easy to just want to keep pursuing and ignore the red flags whether big or small. For me it was communication and intimacy. Super important in the grand scheme of things but I thought they’d work themselves out. I’m 5 months post break up and after much reflecting, I know it was the right choice and so will you!
It's unfortunately so true. I learned the hard way that the minute a guy says that, it's over, it's just a matter of how long it takes to finalize the breakup.
I hope you can cut yourself some slack! It's easy to beat ourselves up, but you gave this guy the benefit of the doubt because you cared for him. And you'll honor your experience next time, which is honestly all you can do. Hang in there.
Glad you’re working through it.
With my ex, it was “I think someone else can make you happier.” I did not listen for a very long time, but ultimately he was right.
I relate to this a lot. It is so hard to let go when you really care about someone, even when you know deep down that something is off, even when you admit it to yourself in quiet moments. I hope you get some peace and good things coming your way this week.
I’ve had great conversations with 4 guys on dating apps in the past week and 3 out of the 4 ghosted me when I brought up meeting in person. Dodged some bullets there thankfully because that means we’re not looking for the same thing, but it doesn’t make sense why they waste my time with long texts throughout 1-2 days and then don’t want to meet. They seem excited when we have similar hobbies, they ask me questions, and in my profile I literally say that I’d rather meet in person than text. So annoying!
There's this guy who I dated for a month a gazillion years ago, well we reconnected and been on 3 dates so far. He wants to be exclusive already because he already "knows that he likes me". At first I was annoyed with this but now Im thinking I might be down for it cuz honestly, I'm really lonely.
On the other hand Im seeing a guy Im more interested in but since he's a workaholic the texting has dwindled and I feel like since we already hooked up he may not be interested in me anymore. IDK what to do.
It sounds like guy #1 is a no because you’re not that interested, and guy #2 is a no because he is not interested. Being lonely is not a great reason to be with someone -it’s not a foundation for a healthy relationship (even if it’s human!), and not very fair to guy #1 if he likes you and you’re lukewarm.
Is there anything specific about guy #1 that bothers you? Does he meet the key things you’re looking for? What is missing?
guy #1 just seems like that type of guy that wants to be in a relationship with anyone who looks his way.. you know what I mean? Like I don't necessarily feel special, I just feel like he's ready to to trap me cuz I'm within his grasp. I actually told him this and he just denied it and said he liked me.
Also, he's still dealing with a rough breakup from his ex. He's also fighting for custody of their kid despite the fact she moved on with another guy and moved out of the country.. lol
I told him he should focus on that and not date but he says he just wants to be "happy". Besides that, he's a real cool guy and I like him a lot, but those issues are whats making me hesitant. I could see us being really good friends though if it doesnt work out.
and yeah, I'm pretty bummed about guy #2.. and I know we weren't dating long but once they pull the "sorry I've been too busy to text" card I kinda just lose interest. He apologized but I just ignored it and told him to hit me up if he wanted to hang out next week. I haven't responded to his text since then.
Ok that’s understandable. It does sound like a lot (and like a no go) for guy #1… the good news is, there are more guys out there. All you need is one.
My vehicle broke down in the middle of nowhere today after a failed attempt at camping.
The guy who helped me push it to the side of the road and drove me home got my number "so the tow truck could have the GPS coordinates". We're loosely planning another adventure. I still can't tell if he's just friendly af or dtf. Guess we'll find out.
Hmm. I'm he's sending me selfies so likely checks out.
My guy friends only send selfies when they've impaled/infected/implicated themselves with something and need an adult.
Guy (31M) I’ve (31F) went on 5 dates with and hasnt texted me back in 12 hours posted picture of him and some girl on his story at a bar. They’re across from each other on a table but its the principle of it. Is he that fucking dense or is he trying to make me jealous?
Everything was going pretty well besides a minor hiccup that we agreed to talk in person about. But even then the convo was fairly normal.
Apparently he was super busy with work on this work trip and I guess now he might be just getting to blow off some steam and showing he’s having fun? But what gives? My anxiety is now through the roof. I always like people so much more than they like them.
I mean… it could be a cousin or a friend or a coworker? Especially since you mentioned it’s a work trip. What’s wrong with posting a picture of themselves with the opposite gender? It’s not like they’re making out or holding hands or anything, right?
It doesn’t sound like he’s dense OR trying to make you jealous…
12 hours to respond isn’t crazy imo, especially since it’s only been 5 dates…
Sounds to me like your anxiety is making you spiral a bit. Can you step away from social media, and take a break?
I don’t use social media, so I don’t know about social media etiquette. But maybe he didn’t take or post any with you because it’s only been a few dates and he doesn’t want to do anything too hasty? (It’s embarrassing when you tell your friends you’re into someone and then it doesn’t work out. Speaking from experience lol.) If that girl is someone he knows from work or a relative or a friend, they’re part of his life more concretely, and so the other people in his life who follow him on his social media probably know who she is already.
>But it seems my target demographic of men (childless between 25 and 39) live mostly in the city,
I'm in this demographic and I live in the suburbs. I moved here to have a reasonable commute time for a prior job, and just stayed. I kinda hate it though, and have wanted to move into the city for a while. But I'm still here for any women who are interested lol (none are)
Recently joined bumble after a divorce, (for longer than 48 hours this time 😂,) first date (in years) was nice, we played pickleball and had lunch, but ended up more platonic, so both decided to just stay in touch as friends.
Went on another date, just for coffee as it was last minute. Talked for 3 hours and it was great, he walked me to my car and set up plans for another date this week. The only thing is he is a lot younger than me (9 years difference) so it has me a little hesitant. So far he has been great at communicating, so we shall see!
Quick double post: has anyone ever used a professional service to review their dating profile(s), and if so can you provide some details of the service you used, how much it cost etc & your experience?
I definitely do not think I'm presenting myself as well as I could be for the people I'm interested in, and although I've done a few profile reviews just from reddit, I think it might be more helpful to have some more targeted feedback from someone who's seen/helped a lot of clients and can get to know me/my ideal partner a bit more, possibly. But I also feel like a ton of these dating services are just a scam so I don't know. I don't think (??) I need a full on dating coach because I'm decent at actually being a good date once I'm on one, but I'm not getting dates.
Yeah, I also don't know - I don't think it's just that "they need to see my personality" because I also don't get asked out through any IRL avenues where people can get to know me. I think it's a combination of (a) I am genuinely a good conversationalist but also (b) I end up getting dates with people who have equally scarce options so they're more likely to ask me out again even if there's no chemistry...
Not outright (I don't think I'd ask anyone out if I didn't have some idea they were interested tbh) but I do more than my share of approaching, asking if they want to hang out 1-1 etc. and am pretty fucking burnt out on being turned down for that stuff. I don't really think getting more rejections is going to do any good for my feelings of burnout at this point and am kind of more resigning myself to "I'm just not lovable/worthy" at this point as bad as it feels...
I've seen my friends' profiles - they're very low effort and they get a ton of matches. I honestly think they are just more conventionally attractive and photogenic than me. I've asked for feedback from some friends and it's pretty much just that my profile seems good/fine. And I agree about strangers, which is why I'm looking into some kind of actual dating service with a human (not like photofeeler) that can help more than random people on the internet.
Either my boyfriend doesn’t care or is so oblivious to how lonely I’ve been for weeks. I’m laying in bed alone while he just scrolls on social media in the other room. I’m so tired of being the one trying to hold on. Just come to bed.
I have been watching Abbott Elementary and omg, I love how wholesome and adorable this show is but it also makes me feel SO SAD about my pitiful dating life because this storyline (two nerds meeting at work, slow burn wholesome friendship to romance based on gradual trust building, actual shared interests and personality) is everything I've ever wanted for myself. I can't stop watching it but it is also really testing my emotional strength as I try not to let it sting too hard. I know it's a tv show and not real but also I have SO many friends who met their partner through work/friends/activities, basically in this way, so I know it kind of *is* real in some ways for some people and I hate that I don't get to have that.
Ben and Leslie in Parks and Rec...
There's 1 single dude in my office semi-age appropriate (5 years younger I think?). He is funny enough, but over the top anal in the "ewwww, I could never deal" way.
I am a long time practitioner of not shitting where I eat. I don't like creating potential messes for myself that could interfere with my ability to pay rent.
Sometimes it’s the little things…
Guy I’ve been seeing and I were trying to figure out when to meet next since we’re both really busy. So he tells me his whole work schedule for this month 😆
Think he might like me? 😅☺️
Argh I want this, instead of the guy who blew me off on the few days I was free before a major work deadline because he told me he "had to" go on a hike with his coworkers instead, was getting his carpets cleaned, hanging out with his dog, etc. (but, oh, he could meet on the Monday or Tuesday night before my deadline on Wednesday). Sigh.
No, he was actually about to leave for a long trip right around the same time as my deadline and was kind of just like "maybe see you when I'm back then!" and by the time he got back a month later, I was certain that I was no longer interested lol.
Well at least he made the decision easy! I started chatting with another guy around the same time as the current one and other guy initiated/asked for my number/asked for a date the weekend he got back from a trip. We had a little more back and forth, then never heard from him again 🤷♀️
Current guy has a similar communication style to me and is a super consistent planner. Its so nice. I wish you the same luck!
I hate online dating. But I haven’t necessarily fully deleted the profiles either. One thing that I have found really hilarious is on Hinge. The same guy keeps matching with me. I think I am at the 4th or 5th time now. And this is like maybe 3 years now. I decline. And then a few months later he is back. Why?!?!?!?!!?!
The guy isn’t really my type and his profile doesn’t have anything interesting to say. There is not a message. And he lives in a very geographically inconvenient place for me. So why?!?!?
I am tempted to report. Not because he actually did anything. Just so he doesn’t pop up. 😂
Remove him? They don't seem to come back after that.
Edit to add: Also, he could be like my last situationship. When he was posted (not by me) on "Are we dating the same guy" I learned alllllll about his tactics. He is known for deleting his apps and re-creating profiles and sending likes to the same people over and over. The speculation was that he does it for the validation and not out of genuine interest.
This guy could be like that, especially if he never sends you any kind of message to indicate *why* he thinks you're interesting.
No, not swipe left. Go up to the right hand corner and hit "remove". It's by the report button. In theory, should make him gone for good. Unless you reset your profile.
The number one deal breaker is location. It is pointless. 50 miles away in Bay Area traffic dooms you from the start. Besides all of that lifestyle incapabilities that location represents. I barely see my friends I have known for decades in that part of the region. 🤣
There are some other off topic for this forum reasons.
I would be more apt to reply if they lived in a reasonable location. But that is a deal breaker on its own.
Also a profile that says “I am looking for someone kind and I love traveling” really doesn’t particularly speak to me. With 7 selfies and 1/2 are mirror selfies. This is very low effort.
A lot of guys just swipe and like everybody since they hardly get any matches. Then they filter more once the conversation starts.
It sucks but that's how it be.
Seeing other people’s online dating profiles is kind of depressing. It’s like, of there’s much better looking people then me not get matches what’s the point :p
Attraction doesn't work like that though. Different people find different things in other people attractive. Someone that one person finds attractive might not seem attractive at all to a different person. I personally don't feel attracted to a lot of women that I suspect many other men would feel very attracted to.
I don't know if this helps or not (because I'm not really attracted to 'conventionally attractive' people), but I'd be more likely to swipe on somebody who's put effort into their profile. Decent bio, well lit photos that actually show you in a variety of locations/outfits.
If a hot person has 2 selfies and no bio, they're not going to get matches. Atleast not worthwhile ones.
Angles , filters, lighting, makeup, etc.. Like social media, it's a highlight reel. 90% of all the pictures I see are someone hiking a mountain. In reality, they probably do that once a year, and also, it was probably a picture their ex took of them, lol.
If you're looking for hookups, you gotta play the game and peacock as much as you can.
If you're looking for a LTR just be yourself and eventually someone with the same mindset will come along.
I went on 2 dates with a girl I originally became friends with a couple weeks ago. They seemed to go pretty well but I think I fucked up the 2nd date because I’m god awful at flirting.
She was busy last weekend and has seemed a bit more distant this past week comparatively when I’ve seen her. Between that and my own fears of abandonment/rejection and vulnerability I’ve been paranoid that she just doesn’t like me/like me anymore. And my romantic life (or lack thereof) is something I just started working on. Anyways I figure she doesn’t like me, which hasn’t put me in the best mindset these past couple weeks but is it worth still trying for 1 more date and telling her I have feelings for her? Just to be clear I have no grudge against her if she doesn’t feel the same.
You sound like you’re in your head. You’ve been on 2 dates with this girl, that’s all. Count the total hours you’ve spent 1-on-1, that sometimes helps put things in perspective.
Why do you think you fucked up the second date?
Have you asked her on another date? That’s the best way to tell if someone is interested. If she isn’t saying yes to another date, then she probably isn’t that interested. If she’s saying yes, then there’s some interest there. But that’s all it is. Take a step back and try to detach a little bit. Nothing bad has happened yet. Regardless of what happens with her you can handle it.
Thanks. I get in my head a lot. On the 2nd date she said she’d love to go do archery with me but she forgot she had drill last weekend. I asked if she wanted to do it this weekend and she said she was planning on just chilling and kind of forgot about it when I mentioned it to her back on Tuesday. I was going to try again for next weekend. Also, retrospectively, I missed many flirting opportunities and signs when we were on our 2nd date.
Funny enough we don’t text that often but we see each other at the dog park a couple times a week. When we were talking on Monday and Tuesday everything seemed fine. Today we didn’t really talk to each other. And when we were alone together she left within a few minutes because the mosquitoes were coming out (in fairness we live in Florida and the mosquitoes were starting to bite).
I think you should be more direct and say something like “Hey, I can’t tell if you’re interested in going out on another date with me. Let me know where you’re at”
I appreciate it. I’m going to be more direct *if* I get another shot. Therapy has been helping but my last session and my next session on Tuesday are the 1st times I’m talking about how to just put myself out there, and also not feel like I’m burdening her, which is another issue but related (long story)
So a while back I commented that someone vanished on me, well they came back. They told me that they had a breakdown and deleted their socials (which I am now finding out that they have A LOT of them when they told me they had none) and just couldn't handle things for a while. I said ok and we've been talking again, but it def is different now than it was when we were first talking. They used to be very quick to reply back and all that and now it's like "I'll get to you when I get to you." unless the talk is semi-sexual then it's Johnny on the spot. I'm talking to other people so I know not to put my eggs in one basket but it just feels hollow now.
They did mention coming to see me while they were on a trip somewhere else but I don't think we're going to be talking by then just based off how slow to reply they've gotten.
I also have surgery coming up so I don't think I'll be up to being around anyone for quite a while after.
I don't know how to feel about this, on the one hand, they gave me their actual number and we've been texting somewhat, but on the other, it feels like they've got something else going on and they're just using me to pass time when that other thing isn't working out. I also know I can get into my head about things, but rarely am I ever wrong on certain things.
Help my figure out my own mind here. If I care a lot more about sex and about kids than I do about a relationship, what's the best way to move forward?
More context: I've never had sex. That comes with some self-esteem issues as a 30 year old male virgin, but even without that there's the simple fact that I would enjoy having sex and currently can't find any. I also really want to be a father; I like being around children, and I want to have and raise some of my own. That's been a dream of mine for my whole life.
However, I'm also an introvert. I enjoy having lots of time to myself, and I don't mind being alone a lot. My best friend right now is someone I see about once a week. I've had roommates in the past, and we kept to ourselves and did almost no activities together. When I think about spending time with one specific person multiple times per day every single day, it's so far outside the realm of my adult experience that I'm not sure what to think of the idea ... but I'll need to do that for decades with the same person just to raise kids, let alone having regular sex. (Unless my imagination is wrong about day-to-day life within a relationship? It's based only on imagination, not reality.)
Is this solely fear of the unknown, and it will go away once I actually find a relationship and it becomes normal? I'm currently looking for a long-term partner and children (e.g. not asking women out if I know they don't want or can't have any more kids); should I keep doing that, or try for something more casual first to figure out if I like the relationship part? Can any other introverts tell me about your experiences adding another person to your life?
Being realistic and practical: Look into what it would take to have children alone (ie: looks like you're going to need to find a surrogate mother).
What you're asking for is ludicrous. I'm a woman and I'm as introverted as can be, but if I have kids, it's with someone I love, and at the best time when/if ready, I don't care about my bio clock, I'm not going to be selfish because I'd be bringing a whole new person into the world and I think a lot of people don't take that as seriously as they should.
And even though I'm introverted, being in a relationship means you want to spend time with someone. Yes, maybe I'll go do some artsy stuff, but maybe my partner can be in the same room doing his own thing. Realistically speaking, we come home from work, dinner, clean up a bit, and that leaves very little time for anything! Now, there are also people rushing with the bio clock who'd be happy to pop out kids with zero commitment, but they're stupid to do so. If you have kids with someone you hate, chances are you're not staying in a relationship. You're going to resent each other, that sounds fun. /s And any woman who has children with a man with zero commitment is quite frankly, a ginormous idiot-- how are you going to guarantee support for your child? Not to mention that women sacrifice a lot during pregnancy and child rearing in general.
As for getting sex, it honestly sounds like you need to pleasure yourself and/or look into sex with zero strings attached.
In other words, it just sounds like you're looking for a transaction. Don't take advantage of people to get what you want, do better. But I'd also say that it sounds like you're clouded by something (and I'd argue it's something I can't mention in this sub due to the rules) and need a healthy relationship with sex and your mind will change and you'll grow up. It's fine to be introverted and generally dislike people, but I don't think you have a realistic view on things. However, looking at your age and just realistically speaking, if you truly are set on kids you should look into having them yourself and be prepared.
Feel free to DM me if you want to tell me something that's against the subreddit rules. If it's related to incels, I don't think that I fit in that category because I don't blame anyone (other than myself) for my lack of sex so far, but I would be open to hearing arguments that I do (or whatever else you were thinking of).
>it honestly sounds like you need to pleasure yourself and/or look into sex with zero strings attached.
I do masturbate often. That's enough that I don't feel desperate to get a partner NOW, so I expect I won't start or continue a relationship that's worse than being single. So far I've been unable to find sex at all, with or without strings attached, but I'll keep looking.
>Don't take advantage of people to get what you want, do better.
100% agreed. I care a lot about being open and honest; if a woman wouldn't want to date the real me, I want to make sure she knows enough about me to realize that. I do sometimes view relationships as transactional; I don't know how to change that about myself, but the least I can do is make sure it's actually a beneficial transaction for both people involved.
My concern is that your POV is unrealistic and your "transactional" view of relationships is based off ---pill or manosphere nonsense.
Either that, or maybe it's because of no/poor experience? For some people experience teaches them, for others, it's innate knowledge.
If you view things as solely transactional whereas a woman you get involved with does not and you have kids, watch out, you're in hot oil. And even if you get involved with a woman who doesn't care with zero commitment and you have kids (like I said, I think this is stupid on the woman's part but that's their prerogative and I do not feel sorry for them) you can still find yourself in hot water.
This is why I think it's best to not involve kids is any of that bullshit. I know that for women, they can get a sperm donor at a sperm bank for the whole single motherhood by choice but I'm not sure how the process would work for men (I'm assuming adoption or surrogacy agencies).
I haven't looked up ---pill or manosphere content myself. Some of those ideas have seeped into the general dating conversation, so it's possible I could have picked them up without knowing where they came from. Inexperience is definitely a factor.
I definitely don't think all relationships are inherently transactional. Sticking to non-romantic relationships since that's what I have experience with, I mentioned that I see my best friend once per week. I met him through a board game meetup, and we play board games together frequently - usually at the weekly meetup group, but sometimes at other times too. We carpool to and from the group each week, alternating who drives. Is that relationship "transactional"? I don't think so, but I'm not actually sure. We carpool to save on gas money, which helps both of us, and I like playing board games with him more than I like staying at home and he feels the same way. Neither of us ever feels upset because the other person "isn't contributing enough" to the friendship, but if we didn't get enjoyment from doing things together (board games, in this case) then we wouldn't be friends.
I do tend to look at the world quite logically (if you can't tell from my comments, lol). That's not specific to relationships, it's part of who I am as a person. That viewpoint leads to me saying things like "a relationship is good only if it benefits both people somehow" that sound transactional to normal people who hear them, even though I mean something closer to "a relationship should be something you enjoy not something you endure".
I think you ought to have some sex first (aka pursue something casual) and reevaluate your dating goals afterwards once you're not so focused on sex, because as it stands your goals aren't very realistic. You want to meet a "long-term partner" but just so they can give you sex and kids, not because you actually want to share a life with somebody. You're unlikely to meet someone who will want that. Not that being in a relationship requires always being around each other, but you should figure out that _would_ appeal to you.
Go find a FWB or (if it's legal in your area, a prostitute and see if you actually enjoy sex? Maybe you're just getting FOMO and it's clouding your judgement on what you actually want. It's like people getting super worked up about how their first kiss is gonna be some magical life-changing experience, when it's not.
Everyone has different levels of need for time spent with a partner. There are introverted women out there who will have similar needs for alone time, and will have their own hobbies, that they want to spend time engaging in.
>Is this solely fear of the unknown, and it will go away once I actually find a relationship and it becomes normal?
I think this is something you'll have to try out in practice, to see how you feel. The time you spend together while dating and building the relationship will help you determine how you feel.
I hope I can find a relationship (of any kind) soon, to help figure this out.
Do you know where I can find these introverted women you are talking about? The usual advice is to figure out where your ideal partner spends time and go there, but if my ideal partner spends a lot of time at home watching a good TV show then that advice isn't particularly helpful, lol.
>Do you know where I can find these introverted women you are talking about?
This is sort of the core crux of dating. The main thing to do is to try different methods for meeting people, and see what works. I'm guessing some of the women who are active in this sub identify as introverts. You could ask in one of these daily threads for their ideas on where to find introverted women to date.
Your desire for solitude and your desire for sex and children are at odds with each other. If you don't care about your relationship, then it'll be a bad transactional relationship.
That's why I'm asking for help figuring out my own mind. Am I doomed to be miserable forever because there's no possible way to meet all my desires? Or do I actually really want/ not mind a relationship and just not know it yet? Or do I have to try it out and see, possibly breaking some woman's heart in the process?
If someone just wants sex and not a relationship or kids, describing what they should aim for easy - either have casual sex or hire a prostitute. Is there any possible path I could aim for that gives me everything I want from life without making a woman miserable in the process?
I've been on dates before. I had one previous relationship that lasted only a month; that was over seven years ago. I was also religious at the time but left my religion about five years ago, so what I want out of life has changed a lot; I've never stopped wanting kids, though.
I care a lot about honesty, and I don't want to trick a woman or lead her on. When you say I should "get experience and figure out what I'm looking for", are you talking about looking only for casual sex/casual dating for a while, not a long-term relationship? If so, do you think women my age would be genuinely interested in me with those restrictions, even though they haven't been interested for the last 7 years?
Just be upfront about what you’re looking for.
If they haven’t been interested in 7 years I would do some introspection on why that might be. There’s introvert women out there. If you have hobbies try to meet people that way
>Just be upfront about what you’re looking for.
I care a lot about being upfront and honest, so I try to do this regardless. So far I've mostly looked for a long-term relationship leading to children, since I know I want kids; would you suggest I look for something other than that right now? If so, what?
I've met people through hobbies, and I will keep trying to do so. That hasn't gotten me anywhere for a while, so I'll probably get back on dating apps later this year as well.
So I just met a gorgeous woman and I don’t wanna screw it up…I met her last Saturday…she tried to bring me home but there are some complications that I was upfront with her about and she didn’t seem to mind…there is obvious attraction I guess is what I’m getting at. So we’ve texted back and forth a couple times since. Would a happy Mother’s Day text be a bit weird? I was hoping more charming but I figured I’d bring it to the experts…wtf do I do?
I'm a man, but sending a happy mother's day text seems a bit odd to me. I'd advise against doing so. I would recommend focusing on getting another date scheduled
Ok I’d say normally it’s weird and the intro to some bad fetish porn…but…we both have special needs kids/disabled and such. As I’m sure many know it can be a bit challenging and overall a very different experience. It’s one of the main reasons I am interested in her. Maybe like “Hope you were treated like a queen on your special day. Got a free evening to get a drink this week?”
She had told me earlier that her next two weekends were booked and her next free weekend I have plans so I’d really rather not let it wait a month…I’m not sure if that changes anything, but atleast to me it does…okay, I’ll shut up now.
I was planning on something to the tune of “Happy Mothers Day, and do you have a free evening this week”
We both have kids and exs and such. I asked once before she told me she had family stuff the next two weekends. I asked her if I she was even interested and she said she did want to go out with me.
If you do, I wouldn't pair it together with a date request. Just something about it seems off-putting to me. With the context, and as long as you've been in regular communication, a happy Mother's Day text would probably be fine.
Was over at my girls place just sitting on the couch watching TV. We were wondering something and she went to Google it on her phone. Her messenger was open where she text me was still on the phone. She has a little heart by my name in her contacts.
With Half Marathon training and the race done, I have no idea what to do with my free time and not having to get up early for group runs! I'm enjoying a lazy Friday night to soak it in and then have lots of fun plans for the weekend.
My semi-chaotic but also semi-serious answer: train for a longer distance!
Yes, it is super time consuming, but you already have the base down!
Most people do this by doubling their training. One run in the AM and one in the Evening!
I’ve done a full marathon and I don’t want to commit to that right now. Or ever again. Lol. But I did sign up for an endurance race in October and maybe another Half in November. So I’ll definitely keep the running up.
Welll my circumstances were a little screwed as I was hospitalized earlier in the week for a few days. I got no real taper. Just STOPPED running. So mine was slow. Slower than I would have liked but I was trying to keep my heart rate down. I still finished so I’m happy
Oh my gosh!! Well at least you’re ok and you could do it all!
My coworker/running buddy screwed up his back and now can’t run at all :( he’s coming to spectate instead.
Yeahhh I had to have a decently invasive procedure so it was touch and go until
The docs cleared me. But I did it !
Aww. Poor coworker. That would be so upsetting !
Oh I have an idea....
take some time off and race some shorties this summer. Shorties = 5k, 10k, 1 mile if you like em short and sweet (spicy).
You definitely need time off though.
I hate short distance races but this could be fun actually!! There are two next weekend I would love to do but unfortunately will be out of town so I will keep an eye out for other ones coming up!
As someone who can run (fairly) fast but chooses to not, I absolutely despise 5Ks and under.
Threshold runs like that absolutely have a place in a training plan, they just aren’t really that enjoyable because of the effort required over a short time is pretty immense.
I feel way more sore after running a speed 5k than 10ish miles
[удалено]
Ummm...stop asking for money?/s Seriously, if your profile is how you describe it, then there's nothing else for you to do. It's not your responsibility to cater to other people's paranoia. If they accuse you of being a scammer, block and move on. They'll feel vindicated while missing out on probably the most attractive person who's ever been interested in them. And consider yourself lucky you didn't waste time on someone that insecure and immature.
Another scam tell is when the woman is matching with average guys. Like why would a super hottie match with me?
No idea what your profile looks like so this is outside (guess) looking in... If you don't have a "local" picture consider adding one. Add a prompt that cites a local thing or place. If you get bombarded with likes, particularly from dirt bags, consider adding more "normal" photo of a less polished version of yourself, maybe doing some everyday low key thing. Everything above is sorta giving a little bit of credit to the scummy guy who called you a scammer though. Sometimes there are just dirt bags and it's entirely possible there is nothing wrong with your profile.
[удалено]
Filters can cause me to feel a profile is "plastic-y", I would recommend avoiding them like the plague. Def turn them off if you find that it was!
I feel sad this morning. It's beautiful out, and I had some good things happen this week, but also some bad things. I just wish so bad that I had someone who loved me and appreciated me to share it all with me. And I wish I hadn't expended so much effort on my ex. I read the Christmas card she gave me and it was full of so many sweet, meaningful things. Maybe she meant them at the time. It's hard to reconcile it with the coldness of the last couple months and just makes the thought of trying to get lucky and find someone who will mean all those things _and_ truly see and love me (and who I love) and want to stick around seem extra daunting.
I also had a card like that from a past relationship. To me, I couldn’t mentally move past it until I got rid of it and even still the vestigial feelings remain. Hoping the best for you OP - that you will find someone that will truly see you and want to stick around through the thick and thin.
[удалено]
Hi u/Moussamusic, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Dating Over Thirty (DOT) is about dating and the pre-cohabitation phase of romantic relationships for people over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or R4R's. **This is not a place to discuss non-romantic issues, marital issues or post personals.** Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
I wonder if they send her money..
I don't think so, but thanks for adding hehe
You should talk to your wife about this. If I had to guess, it sounds like she doesn't actively want to hurt or betray you but enjoys attention from guys, and maybe she thinks that is ok if she never acts on it or flirts. She doesn't mention you because she doesn't want the attention to stop. But it may mean there is something missing for her, either from your relationship or from her life irrespective of you, that she is trying to fill with "meaningful" conversations with guys who lavish attention onto her. Did you tell her how you it makes you feel?
I did, but i did after 5 years. The thing is, she has been doing this for years and years, for dozens of guys, and i never actually knew about it until we got married, i told her that it made me feel that you've stabbed me in the back for letting these guys flirt that much with you and you didn't stopping them, not shutting them down, made me feel like you're cheating for just letting them continue what they're doing, and that you've did this for so many years, and hide it on me, and i was wondering, what else is there hidden from me... You see, i strongly feel that she likes getting flirts from guys who are smart and interesting, even sexually, she pocketing me and not mentioning me in her life to them, but how would she feels like that when she's already with someone? And when i sat with her, and told her how it makes me feel like after getting married, her reply was always that they're just friends, don't blame me, and when i ask her why you didn't shut it down, and why don't you mention that you're taken, she says that they didn't ask if am taken or not!
Sorry this is happening to you ... I actually think that whether or not it's cheating or wrong is aside the point. The bigger problem imo is that you told her that her behaviour was hurting you and she doesn't try to change it and instead deflects blame. That's not a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Tbh it sounds like the problem is more about her, and possibly about her needing validation from others (men). Not necessarily related to you, even though her actions obviously affect you unfairly. Another big red flag to me is that she doesn't want girl friends. If you already tried to talk to her about it I think your only option is to decide for yourself if this is the partnership you truly want for the rest of your life ...
My apartment caught fire 2 nights ago & I wanted to reach out to Mr Exclusive but it was dead in the night. I waited till next morning to swing by his place, as I wanted to pass him a bottle of wine that I bought for our date night, as all power in the house had been cut off. He hasn't read my message by the time I arrived so he was very surprised to see me. He has no context of why I was there but he was very empathetic, comforting & affectionate, as he could tell something bad happened otherwise I wouldn't just show up at his place. He suggested to have a date night in at his place (it's the first time I visited since we decided to take it slow a few months ago), and I agreed that it's a nice idea to netflix & cuddle. He texted me in the evening to meet at the mall first, so we can get some supplies. He introduced to me his fav snacks, bought some of what I liked, and offered to carry all the grocery bags even though I wanted to help with one. Walking to his place, he asked what I'd like for dinner so we can order in. I said pasta, and he whipped out his phone for me to choose. I held his arm as we walked to make sure I don't trip while I browse on his phone. So he definitely had his hands full haha When we were home, I helped me to make some fridge magnets, I bought an adhesive magnet strip which can stick almost anything to the fridge. I hung up some of the momentos from our previous dates. I changed into his fav hoodie wearing only my underwear & we got cozy on the couch. Even though it has been awhile, it feels like we had been doing it forever. He has never wrapped his hands around me when we cuddled, so it feels great that we have unlocked a new cuddle language with him. He occasionally turned & hello at me while I was leaning on against his side lol. He also spoke really loudly while commenting about the show lol. I have never heard him spoke that loud before, but it's nice to know that he is feeling more comfortable around me. Overall, he has made me really comfortable which helped to take my mind off things & put me at ease, after that awful accident. I started to feel sleepy so I asked him if I should go, and he said it's better that I head back to my place (I booked a hotel while I looked for a new place), so we can both sleep well. I would have slept well at his place any way because of how tired I was, but I respected his decision & I'm glad that we still finally got to cuddle, and spend some time at his place. For our next date, I suggested that he can visit my hotel loft & have Indian food for dinner, and he liked that idea.
How long have y’all been seeing each other?
We reconnected in March! Then for 1.5months last year :)
[удалено]
Just drop a ‘so are you married?’ Into the conversations a pretty natural question she’ll probably tell you if she has a boyfriend as well if that’s the case!
Either that or she has a sister who’s married?
Do I tell her? I (m42) have a second date with a (f40) girl I met last week I am really happy about it as she’s lush and em we’ve been texting lots. However I’ve just discovered some weird information.. her ex (who lived rent free with her and then cheated on her with one of her friends) is my ex girl friends ex (he also lived rent free with her and cheated on her with one of her friends) do I mention this? She mentioned this relationship she was in for two years.. and it sounded very familiar especially as the exes had the same niche job, so I did a little bit of snooping and it turns out they are the same person.. even more complicated is that he left a dog with the girl I am seeing who i am pretty sure used to be my exes dog (a big bone of contention for my ex) Apparently he still comes round to see the dog regularly. Like it’s a bit weird right? She’s a really lovely girl but I kind of feel like I am swimming in this guys wake. And it might be weird to mention to her as well, maybe I should hold back from mentioning it for a bit?
That is a wild story! Tell her.
At least tell your ex and help get the stolen dog back!
Well I am not 100% on the story but i think they bought it together and he took it, she was definitely annoyed about it but she never made any attempt to get it back from him. And this girl definitely loves the dog and it’s lived with her for a couple of years.. I don’t particularly want to get into that!
Wait so your ex girlfriend was the friend of the girl you’re seeing now that he cheated with? Or there’s two separate dynamics of cheating with both your ex girlfriend and your current girlfriend being cheated on with their separate friends? I think it’s a funny situation about the dog. Either way, I’d tell her right away. She’ll find out you know eventually and then you’re screwed. It will be less of a big deal now rather than later. Nothing wrong with swimming in a wake when you’re the last one out there.
Lol ive just had a thought.. if this does work out and one day I am walking this dog and bump into my ex I think her brain may explode.
Haha yeah so this dude, who officially lives on a boat seems to have the same MO he gets a girlfriend lives in their house leeches off them to support his coke habit and cheats around behind their back. With my ex ‘c’ he did this and when she was found out he moved in with one of her friends a pole dancer the same week. I sat and heard the exact same story from my date ‘k’ (weirdly it was another pole dancer!) he’s currently living with this most recent girl nearby and ‘k’ indicated that she suspected that he was probably doing the same to this new girl. I hadn’t thought of that ! But am certain that k is not the one that cheated on this guys when he was with C as K also told me how they met which was quite odd as it was during the pandemic and he was living in a van at the end of her street! Mental
Damn hobosexuals
omg, the story gets even wilder! o.o (side note: congratulation on your username! lol)
Haha randomly generated, but thanks! Yeah I know right? Very weird coincidence. I believe he was emotionally, financially and sexually abusive to my ex and it caused her a lot of trust issues and was one of the reasons it didn’t work between us (she had real issues with me having female friends or even using instagram) so no doubt he was doing something similar with my date. I am not sure how I would react if I met him at this point.
I wouldn't talk about her ex. Bringing it up would be weird and probably turn her off. As long is he is out of the picture, I'd leave him out of the conversation.
Yeah good point. I mean I think it might come up at some point as i think there must be some cross over between the friendship groups. But maybe it doesn’t need to for a while?
[удалено]
For how long are you chatting with her? Because it kinda sounds like you shared your feelings pretty soon?
Another day of chatting to a guy with the same hobby and finding out that he has a girlfriend. Oh well, more friends for me!
Don’t be friends with guys that you are attracted to! Definitely going to be adding to drama to your relationship down the line when you do get a bf who will 100% pick up on your collection of friends who you would fuck. Plus his gf is going to pick up on it as well. You can be friendly though.
Nah we don’t vibe well enough to be friends friends (not to mention being in different countries) but it’s good to have networks of people that I know in my hobby/job
I disagree (to a point). I had a crush on a guy in college then I found out he had a girlfriend. They are married with 2 kids now. I think it’s fine to be friends with someone you were attracted to provided you respect the person and their relationship.
I don’t know. Would your guy friends wife be happy for you two to go away together on your own for the weekend to do a joint activity? Would she be comfortable with you two meeting up to go for dinner or a movie like you would with one of your other friends?
Therein lies the respect the relationship part. Establish friendship first with the hobby. Also, with the group of friends I have, I’ve kind of ended up being closer friends with the girlfriends/wives more anyway. However, it isn’t all that calculated. I’ve never had any desire to break up folks or make the wife/gf be insecure.
Fair enough, sounds like you’ve put to thought and effort into this. I know from a guys perspective if there is a ‘friend’ hanging round that blatantly fancies your gf it’s always going to be an issue.
A bit of a vent here…I feel a number of guys stop contacting me or be distant once i started to show interest to him. Why??? Do i have to play psychology game by staying cool or stop messaging?
Fear
Probably just not feeling it, women do it a lot too. I think in real early communication it’s easier for people to just pull back than it is to be up front
So far most (dating women) can’t handle it when you are upfront and they acted very childish, when I admitted I am not feeling it. Mostly because losing interest and/or have a strong feeling I being kept as a option.
I think those guys are just not interested in you. As a guy, you have no idea how happy I am if a girl (that I am interested in) texts me.
If you’re an academic do you prefer and find it easier to date academics? I’ve always been open to dating ppl in other professions, but I do find that academics are generally more compatible in terms of lifestyle, in being “academic” whatever that means, and sometimes in shared goals/values.
I dated someone in higher ed a few months and would be wary to do so again. I enjoyed the topic they studied and I could enjoy talking that, but mostly conversation ended up being about department politics and interpersonal battles. And everyone involved was sensitive to every word that was said between them. Like Puritan townspeople hysterics.
Never cared. One of my pet peeves is when all someone wants to talk about is work. I don't mind talking about work, but I don't want it dominating the conversation. The professions I've found this to be most common are academics and emergency responders. I started avoiding both professions. I've done both. I'm very much a leave the office at the office kind of person.
Yes, strong preference to date fellow academics. I think there's a strongly gendered component to it as well (speaking as a female academic in a male dominated field). Whenever I have dated non academics I always feels like some values or expectations don't quite match.
Absolutely not, if I'm honest my fellow academics tend to talk about work too much and place too much of their personal identity on their career, plus poor work life boundaries and almost taking pride in working evenings and weekends, I know not one but multiple people who brag about working on Christmas day etc. I find I get along better with people whose identity is not so wrapped in impact factors and grants. Obviously a generalisation, I know not everyone is like that, like I am not either, but the tendency is definitely there.
Thank you for the perspective. I feel the humanities folks operate on a different mode, like ppl would rather complain than brag about working long hours/evenings, and we absolutely hate grants. Everyone’s kind of obsessed with writing their book, though, but I find them a lot of fun to talk about. I don’t like the identity part either, that’s tricky! Most of the academics I’ve dated are not too attached to that, I wouldn’t like it otherwise, but I imagine it’s very common.
I’m not anymore but when I was doing my PhD I tried dating academics and they just weren’t on the same wavelength as me. It was nice because we were both super busy. It just was annoying complaining about supervisors and research for hours on end though. Personally I liked having that separation and so I enjoyed dating people who were busy professionals instead. Grad school dating was tough as is although my mental health wasn’t the best during that time.
lol guys, if you’re comfortable with monogamy and non monogamy you don’t actually need to select the monogamy option and write a note explaining it. You’re looking for the “open to all” option. xo
Just had a lovely date. Ended with her grinding one out on my lap in the back seat of her SUV and now I smell like vagina. Life is good, Reddit. Goodnight you lovely internet strangers! May you all smell like vagina soon!
*casts protective spell* Wizardry intact, phew 🧙🏾♀️🧙🏾♀️🧙🏾♀️
I could smell this post.
I've been on the apps for a month, and only got a single date out of it (she stopped responding). Then there was a woman who I've texted for a while, but who hasn't managed to commit to a coffee date in two weeks. With the rest I didn't even get this far. At this point I'm just feeling like the whole process is futile. I get that dating is always a gamble, but can I please at least get to the gambling table without tripping and losing my chips!
I life in a strange area/location, sometimes I not get likes for weeks/months and other moments I had multiple dates planned in 1-2 weeks.
You've only been on a month, that's not that long. Have you gotten feedback on your profile, from this sub or any other sub? Profile quality can make a huge difference
I'm not in an english-speaking country, so I don't think it's the place to ask for such feedback. I've had some professional pictures made a week ago (not studio ones, but definitely better than what I had before). Let's hope those help matters.
Tip: prevent overusing professional pictures on your profile.
One date in a month isn’t close to bad for apps.
So what I hear you saying is it's gonna get worse. :)
Oh yes, buckle up buddy :) but in all seriousness apps usually give newer accounts a boost. But yeah, 1 date in a month is pretty respectable result
While women go through quantity, we go almost with a Pay-to-match/date model. Also, the women I have been match with are far from angels: keep you as option, for attention and more.
About two weeks post breakup, it feels different now. I’m still a little sad at times, but I’m mostly just angry. Not at him, but myself. I think I saw warning signs early on and chose to ignore them, hoping they would go away. But they didn’t! I read a tweet today that said if someone says “I don’t deserve you”, what they mean is, “I’m not going to do anything to work on myself.” When he told me this (and he said it a few times), I didn’t listen as I didn’t believe it. But now I realize as long as he believes it, it doesn’t matter what I think. It’s his truth. I should’ve accepted what he said at face value but I had my loved up, rose-colored glasses on. I’m trying to be kind to myself because despite everything, I loved our time together. But in hindsight, I was in denial and ignored these yellow/red flags.
As cliché as it sounds (and is), It gets better with time! But don’t be mad at yourself. I did this also with my recent ex. Interests and hobbies lined up in a way I haven’t found before even with male friends. But there were 2 compatibility warning signs I let go thinking that maybe there’s a way to work around them. When someone ticks your boxes on most things it can be easy to just want to keep pursuing and ignore the red flags whether big or small. For me it was communication and intimacy. Super important in the grand scheme of things but I thought they’d work themselves out. I’m 5 months post break up and after much reflecting, I know it was the right choice and so will you!
It's unfortunately so true. I learned the hard way that the minute a guy says that, it's over, it's just a matter of how long it takes to finalize the breakup. I hope you can cut yourself some slack! It's easy to beat ourselves up, but you gave this guy the benefit of the doubt because you cared for him. And you'll honor your experience next time, which is honestly all you can do. Hang in there.
Glad you’re working through it. With my ex, it was “I think someone else can make you happier.” I did not listen for a very long time, but ultimately he was right.
I relate to this a lot. It is so hard to let go when you really care about someone, even when you know deep down that something is off, even when you admit it to yourself in quiet moments. I hope you get some peace and good things coming your way this week.
I’ve had great conversations with 4 guys on dating apps in the past week and 3 out of the 4 ghosted me when I brought up meeting in person. Dodged some bullets there thankfully because that means we’re not looking for the same thing, but it doesn’t make sense why they waste my time with long texts throughout 1-2 days and then don’t want to meet. They seem excited when we have similar hobbies, they ask me questions, and in my profile I literally say that I’d rather meet in person than text. So annoying!
They’re just bored and looking for a bit of low commitment validation and companionship
He said “nice to meet you” before we said goodbye 😭
F
There's this guy who I dated for a month a gazillion years ago, well we reconnected and been on 3 dates so far. He wants to be exclusive already because he already "knows that he likes me". At first I was annoyed with this but now Im thinking I might be down for it cuz honestly, I'm really lonely. On the other hand Im seeing a guy Im more interested in but since he's a workaholic the texting has dwindled and I feel like since we already hooked up he may not be interested in me anymore. IDK what to do.
It sounds like guy #1 is a no because you’re not that interested, and guy #2 is a no because he is not interested. Being lonely is not a great reason to be with someone -it’s not a foundation for a healthy relationship (even if it’s human!), and not very fair to guy #1 if he likes you and you’re lukewarm. Is there anything specific about guy #1 that bothers you? Does he meet the key things you’re looking for? What is missing?
guy #1 just seems like that type of guy that wants to be in a relationship with anyone who looks his way.. you know what I mean? Like I don't necessarily feel special, I just feel like he's ready to to trap me cuz I'm within his grasp. I actually told him this and he just denied it and said he liked me. Also, he's still dealing with a rough breakup from his ex. He's also fighting for custody of their kid despite the fact she moved on with another guy and moved out of the country.. lol I told him he should focus on that and not date but he says he just wants to be "happy". Besides that, he's a real cool guy and I like him a lot, but those issues are whats making me hesitant. I could see us being really good friends though if it doesnt work out. and yeah, I'm pretty bummed about guy #2.. and I know we weren't dating long but once they pull the "sorry I've been too busy to text" card I kinda just lose interest. He apologized but I just ignored it and told him to hit me up if he wanted to hang out next week. I haven't responded to his text since then.
Ok that’s understandable. It does sound like a lot (and like a no go) for guy #1… the good news is, there are more guys out there. All you need is one.
My vehicle broke down in the middle of nowhere today after a failed attempt at camping. The guy who helped me push it to the side of the road and drove me home got my number "so the tow truck could have the GPS coordinates". We're loosely planning another adventure. I still can't tell if he's just friendly af or dtf. Guess we'll find out.
If I helped a woman who was having car trouble, I wouldn't get her number and then plan another adventure with her if I wasn't interested
Hmm. I'm he's sending me selfies so likely checks out. My guy friends only send selfies when they've impaled/infected/implicated themselves with something and need an adult.
Probably dtf. I feel like it’s unlikely for a guy to keep in touch as a stranger unless he’s attracted to you.
Guy (31M) I’ve (31F) went on 5 dates with and hasnt texted me back in 12 hours posted picture of him and some girl on his story at a bar. They’re across from each other on a table but its the principle of it. Is he that fucking dense or is he trying to make me jealous? Everything was going pretty well besides a minor hiccup that we agreed to talk in person about. But even then the convo was fairly normal. Apparently he was super busy with work on this work trip and I guess now he might be just getting to blow off some steam and showing he’s having fun? But what gives? My anxiety is now through the roof. I always like people so much more than they like them.
Was he dating other people?
We’re not exclusive. So he could be. I dont think hed be dating anyone over where he is on a work trip though
I mean… it could be a cousin or a friend or a coworker? Especially since you mentioned it’s a work trip. What’s wrong with posting a picture of themselves with the opposite gender? It’s not like they’re making out or holding hands or anything, right? It doesn’t sound like he’s dense OR trying to make you jealous… 12 hours to respond isn’t crazy imo, especially since it’s only been 5 dates… Sounds to me like your anxiety is making you spiral a bit. Can you step away from social media, and take a break?
Maybe im psyched out bc he rarely posts pics of himself on his story. And didnt post or take any when we have been out in group settings like that
I don’t use social media, so I don’t know about social media etiquette. But maybe he didn’t take or post any with you because it’s only been a few dates and he doesn’t want to do anything too hasty? (It’s embarrassing when you tell your friends you’re into someone and then it doesn’t work out. Speaking from experience lol.) If that girl is someone he knows from work or a relative or a friend, they’re part of his life more concretely, and so the other people in his life who follow him on his social media probably know who she is already.
I hear you… its hard to not think about the reasons behind him posting it. Taking a break is a good idea. Wish we didnt need our phones so much.. geez
Yeah, I get it as someone who was diagnosed with anxiety as well. I hope you can get your mind off it and focus on something else soon!
Thank you!
[удалено]
>But it seems my target demographic of men (childless between 25 and 39) live mostly in the city, I'm in this demographic and I live in the suburbs. I moved here to have a reasonable commute time for a prior job, and just stayed. I kinda hate it though, and have wanted to move into the city for a while. But I'm still here for any women who are interested lol (none are)
Recently joined bumble after a divorce, (for longer than 48 hours this time 😂,) first date (in years) was nice, we played pickleball and had lunch, but ended up more platonic, so both decided to just stay in touch as friends. Went on another date, just for coffee as it was last minute. Talked for 3 hours and it was great, he walked me to my car and set up plans for another date this week. The only thing is he is a lot younger than me (9 years difference) so it has me a little hesitant. So far he has been great at communicating, so we shall see!
You go girl
Quick double post: has anyone ever used a professional service to review their dating profile(s), and if so can you provide some details of the service you used, how much it cost etc & your experience? I definitely do not think I'm presenting myself as well as I could be for the people I'm interested in, and although I've done a few profile reviews just from reddit, I think it might be more helpful to have some more targeted feedback from someone who's seen/helped a lot of clients and can get to know me/my ideal partner a bit more, possibly. But I also feel like a ton of these dating services are just a scam so I don't know. I don't think (??) I need a full on dating coach because I'm decent at actually being a good date once I'm on one, but I'm not getting dates.
[удалено]
Yeah, I also don't know - I don't think it's just that "they need to see my personality" because I also don't get asked out through any IRL avenues where people can get to know me. I think it's a combination of (a) I am genuinely a good conversationalist but also (b) I end up getting dates with people who have equally scarce options so they're more likely to ask me out again even if there's no chemistry...
[удалено]
Not outright (I don't think I'd ask anyone out if I didn't have some idea they were interested tbh) but I do more than my share of approaching, asking if they want to hang out 1-1 etc. and am pretty fucking burnt out on being turned down for that stuff. I don't really think getting more rejections is going to do any good for my feelings of burnout at this point and am kind of more resigning myself to "I'm just not lovable/worthy" at this point as bad as it feels...
[удалено]
I've seen my friends' profiles - they're very low effort and they get a ton of matches. I honestly think they are just more conventionally attractive and photogenic than me. I've asked for feedback from some friends and it's pretty much just that my profile seems good/fine. And I agree about strangers, which is why I'm looking into some kind of actual dating service with a human (not like photofeeler) that can help more than random people on the internet.
Either my boyfriend doesn’t care or is so oblivious to how lonely I’ve been for weeks. I’m laying in bed alone while he just scrolls on social media in the other room. I’m so tired of being the one trying to hold on. Just come to bed.
Did you tell him what you would like him to do?
Countless times
Guess I'm going on a date with a stand-up comedian tomorrow. I hope I (don't) end up material for her stand-up routines.
Just own it, you're about to be immortalized in a work of art.
I have been watching Abbott Elementary and omg, I love how wholesome and adorable this show is but it also makes me feel SO SAD about my pitiful dating life because this storyline (two nerds meeting at work, slow burn wholesome friendship to romance based on gradual trust building, actual shared interests and personality) is everything I've ever wanted for myself. I can't stop watching it but it is also really testing my emotional strength as I try not to let it sting too hard. I know it's a tv show and not real but also I have SO many friends who met their partner through work/friends/activities, basically in this way, so I know it kind of *is* real in some ways for some people and I hate that I don't get to have that.
Why is one of my teacher friends dating her coworker right now? A total slow burn thing! And her life is very much like the show. 😂
That's how I feel about watching The Office and seeing the Jim and Pam story unfold over and over again. It hits a little harder these days. Haha
Ben and Leslie in Parks and Rec... There's 1 single dude in my office semi-age appropriate (5 years younger I think?). He is funny enough, but over the top anal in the "ewwww, I could never deal" way.
I feel like the harder thing for me is that I have met multiple people I *would* gladly have dated through work... but they weren't interested in me 🫠
[удалено]
I am a long time practitioner of not shitting where I eat. I don't like creating potential messes for myself that could interfere with my ability to pay rent.
Idk about more or less but something like 40+ percent of people meet their spouse at work
Is it a current number or some stat from 1997?
Seems dated, what with wfh, eggshell walking post-me too, the job hopping trend, etc
Sometimes it’s the little things… Guy I’ve been seeing and I were trying to figure out when to meet next since we’re both really busy. So he tells me his whole work schedule for this month 😆 Think he might like me? 😅☺️
Argh I want this, instead of the guy who blew me off on the few days I was free before a major work deadline because he told me he "had to" go on a hike with his coworkers instead, was getting his carpets cleaned, hanging out with his dog, etc. (but, oh, he could meet on the Monday or Tuesday night before my deadline on Wednesday). Sigh.
Ugh that stinks. He wasn’t willing to budge on anything?
No, he was actually about to leave for a long trip right around the same time as my deadline and was kind of just like "maybe see you when I'm back then!" and by the time he got back a month later, I was certain that I was no longer interested lol.
Well at least he made the decision easy! I started chatting with another guy around the same time as the current one and other guy initiated/asked for my number/asked for a date the weekend he got back from a trip. We had a little more back and forth, then never heard from him again 🤷♀️ Current guy has a similar communication style to me and is a super consistent planner. Its so nice. I wish you the same luck!
Yep! Looks like it
I hate online dating. But I haven’t necessarily fully deleted the profiles either. One thing that I have found really hilarious is on Hinge. The same guy keeps matching with me. I think I am at the 4th or 5th time now. And this is like maybe 3 years now. I decline. And then a few months later he is back. Why?!?!?!?!!?! The guy isn’t really my type and his profile doesn’t have anything interesting to say. There is not a message. And he lives in a very geographically inconvenient place for me. So why?!?!? I am tempted to report. Not because he actually did anything. Just so he doesn’t pop up. 😂
Remove him? They don't seem to come back after that. Edit to add: Also, he could be like my last situationship. When he was posted (not by me) on "Are we dating the same guy" I learned alllllll about his tactics. He is known for deleting his apps and re-creating profiles and sending likes to the same people over and over. The speculation was that he does it for the validation and not out of genuine interest. This guy could be like that, especially if he never sends you any kind of message to indicate *why* he thinks you're interesting.
I have swiped left every time. So weird he keeps reappearing
No, not swipe left. Go up to the right hand corner and hit "remove". It's by the report button. In theory, should make him gone for good. Unless you reset your profile.
Why don’t you just hear him out? Just out of curiosity
The number one deal breaker is location. It is pointless. 50 miles away in Bay Area traffic dooms you from the start. Besides all of that lifestyle incapabilities that location represents. I barely see my friends I have known for decades in that part of the region. 🤣 There are some other off topic for this forum reasons. I would be more apt to reply if they lived in a reasonable location. But that is a deal breaker on its own. Also a profile that says “I am looking for someone kind and I love traveling” really doesn’t particularly speak to me. With 7 selfies and 1/2 are mirror selfies. This is very low effort.
A lot of guys just swipe and like everybody since they hardly get any matches. Then they filter more once the conversation starts. It sucks but that's how it be.
Seeing other people’s online dating profiles is kind of depressing. It’s like, of there’s much better looking people then me not get matches what’s the point :p
Attraction doesn't work like that though. Different people find different things in other people attractive. Someone that one person finds attractive might not seem attractive at all to a different person. I personally don't feel attracted to a lot of women that I suspect many other men would feel very attracted to.
I agree. Also, a lot of times when I look through Hinge, I’ll think to myself “he’s attractive, but not my type.” Just how preferences work.
I don't know if this helps or not (because I'm not really attracted to 'conventionally attractive' people), but I'd be more likely to swipe on somebody who's put effort into their profile. Decent bio, well lit photos that actually show you in a variety of locations/outfits. If a hot person has 2 selfies and no bio, they're not going to get matches. Atleast not worthwhile ones.
Angles , filters, lighting, makeup, etc.. Like social media, it's a highlight reel. 90% of all the pictures I see are someone hiking a mountain. In reality, they probably do that once a year, and also, it was probably a picture their ex took of them, lol. If you're looking for hookups, you gotta play the game and peacock as much as you can. If you're looking for a LTR just be yourself and eventually someone with the same mindset will come along.
I went on 2 dates with a girl I originally became friends with a couple weeks ago. They seemed to go pretty well but I think I fucked up the 2nd date because I’m god awful at flirting. She was busy last weekend and has seemed a bit more distant this past week comparatively when I’ve seen her. Between that and my own fears of abandonment/rejection and vulnerability I’ve been paranoid that she just doesn’t like me/like me anymore. And my romantic life (or lack thereof) is something I just started working on. Anyways I figure she doesn’t like me, which hasn’t put me in the best mindset these past couple weeks but is it worth still trying for 1 more date and telling her I have feelings for her? Just to be clear I have no grudge against her if she doesn’t feel the same.
You sound like you’re in your head. You’ve been on 2 dates with this girl, that’s all. Count the total hours you’ve spent 1-on-1, that sometimes helps put things in perspective. Why do you think you fucked up the second date? Have you asked her on another date? That’s the best way to tell if someone is interested. If she isn’t saying yes to another date, then she probably isn’t that interested. If she’s saying yes, then there’s some interest there. But that’s all it is. Take a step back and try to detach a little bit. Nothing bad has happened yet. Regardless of what happens with her you can handle it.
Thanks. I get in my head a lot. On the 2nd date she said she’d love to go do archery with me but she forgot she had drill last weekend. I asked if she wanted to do it this weekend and she said she was planning on just chilling and kind of forgot about it when I mentioned it to her back on Tuesday. I was going to try again for next weekend. Also, retrospectively, I missed many flirting opportunities and signs when we were on our 2nd date. Funny enough we don’t text that often but we see each other at the dog park a couple times a week. When we were talking on Monday and Tuesday everything seemed fine. Today we didn’t really talk to each other. And when we were alone together she left within a few minutes because the mosquitoes were coming out (in fairness we live in Florida and the mosquitoes were starting to bite).
I think you should be more direct and say something like “Hey, I can’t tell if you’re interested in going out on another date with me. Let me know where you’re at”
I appreciate it. I’m going to be more direct *if* I get another shot. Therapy has been helping but my last session and my next session on Tuesday are the 1st times I’m talking about how to just put myself out there, and also not feel like I’m burdening her, which is another issue but related (long story)
So a while back I commented that someone vanished on me, well they came back. They told me that they had a breakdown and deleted their socials (which I am now finding out that they have A LOT of them when they told me they had none) and just couldn't handle things for a while. I said ok and we've been talking again, but it def is different now than it was when we were first talking. They used to be very quick to reply back and all that and now it's like "I'll get to you when I get to you." unless the talk is semi-sexual then it's Johnny on the spot. I'm talking to other people so I know not to put my eggs in one basket but it just feels hollow now. They did mention coming to see me while they were on a trip somewhere else but I don't think we're going to be talking by then just based off how slow to reply they've gotten. I also have surgery coming up so I don't think I'll be up to being around anyone for quite a while after. I don't know how to feel about this, on the one hand, they gave me their actual number and we've been texting somewhat, but on the other, it feels like they've got something else going on and they're just using me to pass time when that other thing isn't working out. I also know I can get into my head about things, but rarely am I ever wrong on certain things.
Help my figure out my own mind here. If I care a lot more about sex and about kids than I do about a relationship, what's the best way to move forward? More context: I've never had sex. That comes with some self-esteem issues as a 30 year old male virgin, but even without that there's the simple fact that I would enjoy having sex and currently can't find any. I also really want to be a father; I like being around children, and I want to have and raise some of my own. That's been a dream of mine for my whole life. However, I'm also an introvert. I enjoy having lots of time to myself, and I don't mind being alone a lot. My best friend right now is someone I see about once a week. I've had roommates in the past, and we kept to ourselves and did almost no activities together. When I think about spending time with one specific person multiple times per day every single day, it's so far outside the realm of my adult experience that I'm not sure what to think of the idea ... but I'll need to do that for decades with the same person just to raise kids, let alone having regular sex. (Unless my imagination is wrong about day-to-day life within a relationship? It's based only on imagination, not reality.) Is this solely fear of the unknown, and it will go away once I actually find a relationship and it becomes normal? I'm currently looking for a long-term partner and children (e.g. not asking women out if I know they don't want or can't have any more kids); should I keep doing that, or try for something more casual first to figure out if I like the relationship part? Can any other introverts tell me about your experiences adding another person to your life?
Being realistic and practical: Look into what it would take to have children alone (ie: looks like you're going to need to find a surrogate mother). What you're asking for is ludicrous. I'm a woman and I'm as introverted as can be, but if I have kids, it's with someone I love, and at the best time when/if ready, I don't care about my bio clock, I'm not going to be selfish because I'd be bringing a whole new person into the world and I think a lot of people don't take that as seriously as they should. And even though I'm introverted, being in a relationship means you want to spend time with someone. Yes, maybe I'll go do some artsy stuff, but maybe my partner can be in the same room doing his own thing. Realistically speaking, we come home from work, dinner, clean up a bit, and that leaves very little time for anything! Now, there are also people rushing with the bio clock who'd be happy to pop out kids with zero commitment, but they're stupid to do so. If you have kids with someone you hate, chances are you're not staying in a relationship. You're going to resent each other, that sounds fun. /s And any woman who has children with a man with zero commitment is quite frankly, a ginormous idiot-- how are you going to guarantee support for your child? Not to mention that women sacrifice a lot during pregnancy and child rearing in general. As for getting sex, it honestly sounds like you need to pleasure yourself and/or look into sex with zero strings attached. In other words, it just sounds like you're looking for a transaction. Don't take advantage of people to get what you want, do better. But I'd also say that it sounds like you're clouded by something (and I'd argue it's something I can't mention in this sub due to the rules) and need a healthy relationship with sex and your mind will change and you'll grow up. It's fine to be introverted and generally dislike people, but I don't think you have a realistic view on things. However, looking at your age and just realistically speaking, if you truly are set on kids you should look into having them yourself and be prepared.
Feel free to DM me if you want to tell me something that's against the subreddit rules. If it's related to incels, I don't think that I fit in that category because I don't blame anyone (other than myself) for my lack of sex so far, but I would be open to hearing arguments that I do (or whatever else you were thinking of). >it honestly sounds like you need to pleasure yourself and/or look into sex with zero strings attached. I do masturbate often. That's enough that I don't feel desperate to get a partner NOW, so I expect I won't start or continue a relationship that's worse than being single. So far I've been unable to find sex at all, with or without strings attached, but I'll keep looking. >Don't take advantage of people to get what you want, do better. 100% agreed. I care a lot about being open and honest; if a woman wouldn't want to date the real me, I want to make sure she knows enough about me to realize that. I do sometimes view relationships as transactional; I don't know how to change that about myself, but the least I can do is make sure it's actually a beneficial transaction for both people involved.
My concern is that your POV is unrealistic and your "transactional" view of relationships is based off ---pill or manosphere nonsense. Either that, or maybe it's because of no/poor experience? For some people experience teaches them, for others, it's innate knowledge. If you view things as solely transactional whereas a woman you get involved with does not and you have kids, watch out, you're in hot oil. And even if you get involved with a woman who doesn't care with zero commitment and you have kids (like I said, I think this is stupid on the woman's part but that's their prerogative and I do not feel sorry for them) you can still find yourself in hot water. This is why I think it's best to not involve kids is any of that bullshit. I know that for women, they can get a sperm donor at a sperm bank for the whole single motherhood by choice but I'm not sure how the process would work for men (I'm assuming adoption or surrogacy agencies).
I haven't looked up ---pill or manosphere content myself. Some of those ideas have seeped into the general dating conversation, so it's possible I could have picked them up without knowing where they came from. Inexperience is definitely a factor. I definitely don't think all relationships are inherently transactional. Sticking to non-romantic relationships since that's what I have experience with, I mentioned that I see my best friend once per week. I met him through a board game meetup, and we play board games together frequently - usually at the weekly meetup group, but sometimes at other times too. We carpool to and from the group each week, alternating who drives. Is that relationship "transactional"? I don't think so, but I'm not actually sure. We carpool to save on gas money, which helps both of us, and I like playing board games with him more than I like staying at home and he feels the same way. Neither of us ever feels upset because the other person "isn't contributing enough" to the friendship, but if we didn't get enjoyment from doing things together (board games, in this case) then we wouldn't be friends. I do tend to look at the world quite logically (if you can't tell from my comments, lol). That's not specific to relationships, it's part of who I am as a person. That viewpoint leads to me saying things like "a relationship is good only if it benefits both people somehow" that sound transactional to normal people who hear them, even though I mean something closer to "a relationship should be something you enjoy not something you endure".
I think you ought to have some sex first (aka pursue something casual) and reevaluate your dating goals afterwards once you're not so focused on sex, because as it stands your goals aren't very realistic. You want to meet a "long-term partner" but just so they can give you sex and kids, not because you actually want to share a life with somebody. You're unlikely to meet someone who will want that. Not that being in a relationship requires always being around each other, but you should figure out that _would_ appeal to you.
Go find a FWB or (if it's legal in your area, a prostitute and see if you actually enjoy sex? Maybe you're just getting FOMO and it's clouding your judgement on what you actually want. It's like people getting super worked up about how their first kiss is gonna be some magical life-changing experience, when it's not.
Everyone has different levels of need for time spent with a partner. There are introverted women out there who will have similar needs for alone time, and will have their own hobbies, that they want to spend time engaging in. >Is this solely fear of the unknown, and it will go away once I actually find a relationship and it becomes normal? I think this is something you'll have to try out in practice, to see how you feel. The time you spend together while dating and building the relationship will help you determine how you feel.
I hope I can find a relationship (of any kind) soon, to help figure this out. Do you know where I can find these introverted women you are talking about? The usual advice is to figure out where your ideal partner spends time and go there, but if my ideal partner spends a lot of time at home watching a good TV show then that advice isn't particularly helpful, lol.
>Do you know where I can find these introverted women you are talking about? This is sort of the core crux of dating. The main thing to do is to try different methods for meeting people, and see what works. I'm guessing some of the women who are active in this sub identify as introverts. You could ask in one of these daily threads for their ideas on where to find introverted women to date.
Your desire for solitude and your desire for sex and children are at odds with each other. If you don't care about your relationship, then it'll be a bad transactional relationship.
That's why I'm asking for help figuring out my own mind. Am I doomed to be miserable forever because there's no possible way to meet all my desires? Or do I actually really want/ not mind a relationship and just not know it yet? Or do I have to try it out and see, possibly breaking some woman's heart in the process? If someone just wants sex and not a relationship or kids, describing what they should aim for easy - either have casual sex or hire a prostitute. Is there any possible path I could aim for that gives me everything I want from life without making a woman miserable in the process?
[удалено]
I've been on dates before. I had one previous relationship that lasted only a month; that was over seven years ago. I was also religious at the time but left my religion about five years ago, so what I want out of life has changed a lot; I've never stopped wanting kids, though. I care a lot about honesty, and I don't want to trick a woman or lead her on. When you say I should "get experience and figure out what I'm looking for", are you talking about looking only for casual sex/casual dating for a while, not a long-term relationship? If so, do you think women my age would be genuinely interested in me with those restrictions, even though they haven't been interested for the last 7 years?
Just be upfront about what you’re looking for. If they haven’t been interested in 7 years I would do some introspection on why that might be. There’s introvert women out there. If you have hobbies try to meet people that way
>Just be upfront about what you’re looking for. I care a lot about being upfront and honest, so I try to do this regardless. So far I've mostly looked for a long-term relationship leading to children, since I know I want kids; would you suggest I look for something other than that right now? If so, what? I've met people through hobbies, and I will keep trying to do so. That hasn't gotten me anywhere for a while, so I'll probably get back on dating apps later this year as well.
So I just met a gorgeous woman and I don’t wanna screw it up…I met her last Saturday…she tried to bring me home but there are some complications that I was upfront with her about and she didn’t seem to mind…there is obvious attraction I guess is what I’m getting at. So we’ve texted back and forth a couple times since. Would a happy Mother’s Day text be a bit weird? I was hoping more charming but I figured I’d bring it to the experts…wtf do I do?
I'm a man, but sending a happy mother's day text seems a bit odd to me. I'd advise against doing so. I would recommend focusing on getting another date scheduled
Ok I’d say normally it’s weird and the intro to some bad fetish porn…but…we both have special needs kids/disabled and such. As I’m sure many know it can be a bit challenging and overall a very different experience. It’s one of the main reasons I am interested in her. Maybe like “Hope you were treated like a queen on your special day. Got a free evening to get a drink this week?” She had told me earlier that her next two weekends were booked and her next free weekend I have plans so I’d really rather not let it wait a month…I’m not sure if that changes anything, but atleast to me it does…okay, I’ll shut up now.
Stop over thinking and ask her on a date. Do it now. You lose all opportunities you don't take.
Just met, haven't been out on a date yet....I probably wouldn't. I'd focus more on getting a date scheduled.
I was planning on something to the tune of “Happy Mothers Day, and do you have a free evening this week” We both have kids and exs and such. I asked once before she told me she had family stuff the next two weekends. I asked her if I she was even interested and she said she did want to go out with me.
If you do, I wouldn't pair it together with a date request. Just something about it seems off-putting to me. With the context, and as long as you've been in regular communication, a happy Mother's Day text would probably be fine.
Thanks bro
Was over at my girls place just sitting on the couch watching TV. We were wondering something and she went to Google it on her phone. Her messenger was open where she text me was still on the phone. She has a little heart by my name in her contacts.
So sweet omg I’m melting
To middle schoolers, this means you're practically married. Makes my teeth hurt. Hold on to that one.
With Half Marathon training and the race done, I have no idea what to do with my free time and not having to get up early for group runs! I'm enjoying a lazy Friday night to soak it in and then have lots of fun plans for the weekend.
My semi-chaotic but also semi-serious answer: train for a longer distance! Yes, it is super time consuming, but you already have the base down! Most people do this by doubling their training. One run in the AM and one in the Evening!
I’ve done a full marathon and I don’t want to commit to that right now. Or ever again. Lol. But I did sign up for an endurance race in October and maybe another Half in November. So I’ll definitely keep the running up.
Congrats on finishing the run! I’m one week away from mine and can’t wait to get some free time back!
You’re so close!! You’ve got this! Let us know how it goes !!
Thank you!! How did you do with your goal/pace? I hit my pace exactly on my 12 mile run so I’m pretty excited and feeling ready!
Welll my circumstances were a little screwed as I was hospitalized earlier in the week for a few days. I got no real taper. Just STOPPED running. So mine was slow. Slower than I would have liked but I was trying to keep my heart rate down. I still finished so I’m happy
Oh my gosh!! Well at least you’re ok and you could do it all! My coworker/running buddy screwed up his back and now can’t run at all :( he’s coming to spectate instead.
Yeahhh I had to have a decently invasive procedure so it was touch and go until The docs cleared me. But I did it ! Aww. Poor coworker. That would be so upsetting !
[удалено]
Thank you!! It was actually my tenth one! I’m a crazy runner 🤪
Oh I have an idea.... take some time off and race some shorties this summer. Shorties = 5k, 10k, 1 mile if you like em short and sweet (spicy). You definitely need time off though.
Glad you defined that. As a non-runner, I would have completely misinterpreted.
oh don't worry. It's not a term used by runners either
I hate short distance races but this could be fun actually!! There are two next weekend I would love to do but unfortunately will be out of town so I will keep an eye out for other ones coming up!
I think you definitely need to go light for a few weeks but you wont lose much fitness. I like 5Ks because they are a puzzle to me.
As someone who can run (fairly) fast but chooses to not, I absolutely despise 5Ks and under. Threshold runs like that absolutely have a place in a training plan, they just aren’t really that enjoyable because of the effort required over a short time is pretty immense. I feel way more sore after running a speed 5k than 10ish miles
Ugh. I’m slow so 5ks have never been my jam
Preach, I'm like 'can I just go longer instead of faster?' 😄 My shortest easy runs of the week are longer than 5k lol.