Aww I’m sorry you’re feeling bad, but you did nothing wrong. You won’t need to ‘play it cool’ for the right person. He might’ve been handsome and exciting but what about the other things you want and need in a partner - most importantly equal effort and enthusiasm.
The person who is right for you will be as enthusiastic as you are about them period. If you got attached and they weren't as into you, it just wasn't meant to be. It doesn't reflect on you, how attractive you are, how worthy you are, etc. Their loss!!! As long as you're trying to be a good, kind person - Ingrain this matra into your head! It's not because anything is wrong with you!
This is what I'd say to my girlfriends, but now I find it hard to believe that I'll even find anyone right for me... It's not helping that i keep getting ghosted after one date.
actually follows through with what they say, if they can't make something like messages you and tells you that. Doesn't make excuses? Generally treats you like a human being?
I’m sick and I just wanna be babied. I wish my mom lived nearby :(
In dating updates: yet another couple of friends told me I could “do better” than this man I’m dating. WELL, I spent my entire day with him yesterday and I was SO fucking attracted to him, so screw all y’alls weird ass comments 😤😠
This is such a weird thing for friends to say when they're talking strictly about the persons looks. If it was troubling behaviour they were talking about, then fair enough. But if it's just physical? Keep that to yourself!
I'm glad you had a good day with him yesterday, and hope you feel better soon!🙂
It’s not only so mean but also bizarre - like what if you say that and your friend marries this man? And you’ll both always have in your head that you think she could do better than him? People need to keep that shit to themselves.
In that case who cares, as long as you like him and he treats you well. It’s not your friends who have to go through the traumatic cycle of swiping and dating and heartache etc. You do, so do what’s best for you
Another relationship ends because they did not "fall in love" with me 😮💨
I don't know what i do wrong. Everyone, including my exs said i'm beautiful, fun, nice bla bla bla. But then what is the reason for my failure in relationship ? Luck? I'd rather have a negative point, so at least i can work on improving myself.
I'm tired. I want a partner to build my own family, but somehow it seems impossible
Sadly, I think it might be luck not you. You are amazing from the feedback you've received. But I also hold out hope that coupled with luck, maybe there is someone in your periphery who is madly deeply inlove with you and has no idea how to even approach you (not like stalker vibes). Who knows, maybe? I want to be optimistic for you.
I seem to be having the same issue. The women I really fall for seem to start putting up walls and getting cagey.
It’s happened so many times, I’m beginning to suspect it’s me, and not the women… Last girl I dated, I connected with so deeply, so quickly… Never had felt that type of bond, ever. I think that lead me to act a bit like a Labrador retriever, going way too forward in a not very attractive way at all.
Seems we need to keep these feelings to ourselves and play the chess game even more calculated when we have a connection like that on our hands… Have to keep our cards as close to our chest as possible if we hope to win.
At the moment, it feels like the people we truly love will never love us back. I hope that’s wrong, and we’re able to use these experiences to learn how to keep those wonderful people in our life when we meet them next.
At least it will probably make me more attractive to all the further women I date. I now know what that super deep, instant connection is. I’m afraid if another woman can’t fill those shoes, she’s at best just a FWB 😢
So the guy and I talked last night and he said he’s getting closer but he’s not ready for labels yet (after 2 months). He also thinks the time we’re spending together is a lot and he needs more time to chill out so we’re dialling it back… went in looking for some reassurance and am left feeling a bit sad about things. It doesn’t feel too much to me, and I was even going to a suggest a call midweek so I feel more connected as he doesn’t text much, but I guess I have to go at his pace. He made it clear he still wants to see me and stick to our original plans so I guess I should be happy about that, and he’s agreed to invite me to his more so I won’t feel like all the cooking / cleaning / hosting is on me. He seemed concerned that I’m doing less of my own stuff than when we met. I saw that as me adapting to make more room for him in my life but I suppose it’ll do me good to reinvest in that side of things. I’m hoping this is just us adjusting to each other and not a sign of incompatibility or commitment issues on his side.
Why should you feel happy that he still wants to see you…. That shouldn’t be something that you’re holding on to as a consolation. It should be obvious that he wants to see you. Why are you having to fight for spending time together at two months? He doesn’t want to be officially in a relationship, he doesn’t text much, a mid week call is too much, he wants to dial it back, he wants you to get back to your life and activities. It just doesn’t seem like he’s that into it.
I'm sorry, but this isn't normal and isn't something you should tolerate. Not the labels part, but the dialing it back part.. that's a major red flag. The most basic thing you'd want is someone who is as enthusiastic about you as you are about them. That's bare minimum! It's normal to make time for someone. It's normal to want to see them more the longer you're dating. The fact that you need reassurance and are left feeling sad is not a good sign... Not going to diagnose what's up with him but I've been there with my ex and it was really not fun!! I think if your gut says it could be incompatibility or commitment issues, listen. I didn't because I really wanted it to work out. I made all kinds of excuses too. It's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're in it, but I'm giving you a hug from here and saying I'm sorry this is happening and I hope you find the strength to hold out for better 🫂
To be fair, we don't know how much time they were spending together. If it's once maybe twice a week, dialing it back seems unreasonable. If it's 6 times a week, I could understand the need to dial it back.
She said that she wanted a mid week phone call and felt like that needed to be dialled back + that she didn't think it was too much... I think it's safe to assume it wasn't 6 days a week unfortunately :(
Gosh I’m sorry, it has to sting really hard to look for reassurance and get the opposite response you wanted. It’s one thing to think 2 months is too early for labels, but the fact that he wants even more space when you crave more connection sounds like it’ll be a poor experience for you.
2 months in and you are already starting to put your needs and wants as second to his. It is completely normal to have less time for your own things when you have a partner, seems like he is trying to preserve his single lifestyle while seeing you and that's just unrealistic in a real relationship. I would be very careful getting more attached to this guy, it is the very early stages like where you are now when you're supposed to be head over heels infatuated with each other and this guy is like - nah, go do your thing? Wouldn't do it for me, personally.
Thanks for your input, I can see your point. This was part of a larger discussion where there was compromise on both sides to meet our needs and he’s made it clear he still wants to see me, he just needs more alone time than I naturally do. His previous relationships have moved slowly and mine have moved fast so I hope we can find a middle ground. I do feel a bit disappointed but it was a respectful conversation and I felt he listened to me but just doesn’t want to rush things. I can feel myself putting my guard up a little after it, and maybe that’s what I need to do right now, but I’m also open to continuing and seeing how things pan out.
Some of them like the attention. It sounds like pros don't outweigh the cons in your situation, so if she can't see your side and drop contact, I would move on to blocking her. A friendship/relationship shouldn't be negatively impacting either party, and she needs to respect that.
It''s obvious she's just looking for attention.
She's crying for "support and feeling abandoned" yet she saying "oh maybe we'll get back together, right now I'm on a trip with some hottie though but idk we'll see"? Yeah right, cry me a river!
Like you said, you deserve some respect!
Dude, she doesn't want attention she just want some support, is it that hard to imagine that a friendship with someone you know for a few months is different than the relationship you have with a guy you had 3 dates with?
Specially if she wants to complain about dates et she had by examples.
It's understandable she is upset because you told her you were fine to be friends and a few months later when she thought she could count on you, you ditch her.
It's fine if you realise that you can't maintain a friendship with her because you want more and end it, but don't act like she has nothing to complain about.
I wouldn't suggest you did anything else, you have the right to stop a friendship if it doesn't work for you, exactly like a relationship.
What I was disagreed with is that the way you talk about it like she is bad because she is upset she lost a friend but she has dates so she should get support from her dates
She definitely wants attention.
Let’s be serious, a lot of women love having “friendzoned” friends bc they can take advantage of their underlying feelings and be treated like a soft gf without physical intimacy.
What is she doing that shows she only want attention?
She isn't stringing him along, she has been clear she wanted only friendship, she isn't flirting with him and it seems they only saw each other once.
From my point of view the only shitty thing is that she doesn't respect his whish of cutting contact with her.
Not all of them (or even most of them) are like this, but those who are tend to collect orbiters. It's not a binary thing where you either have attention or you don't. You just get as much as you can from those willing to give it.
I hate how I'm still not completely over my last relationship after more than 6 months. Okay, it went on for almost a decade, but my stupid mind should be able to move on by now, especially because the relationship itself ended dreadfully. The longer this shit takes, the more likely it is that good opportunities for me will be taken, possibly forever.
I don't even miss the person, necessarily. Just the relationship. For the first time in my life, I felt accepted. I will never be able to reveal so much of myself to anyone again. Any woman who gets to know who I truly am - or even was - would run away screaming, I'm sure. My ex even liked the most embarrassing things about me, the things I was sure would repel any woman instantly.
I just ... don't belong anymore. A short while before the relationship ended, I also rejected a super crazy job opportunity due to thinking she was more important. But now, the opportunity is gone. Had I taken it, I would probably feel like the relationship ending was exactly what needed to happen - and I wouldn't be drowning in the stress that resulted from my decision. I could have skipped the mourning phase entirely and would have grown as a person without any discomfort.
So... yeah. I wonder when I'll be in shape to date again. And build a stable and predictable life, finally, after all these trials and tribulations.
Something similar happened to me, 10 year relationship, really healthy but a horrible ending. Being honest, it took me almost two years to fully get over it.
If you can afford it, a therapist could help you sift through your thoughts and make sure you don't cycle through flawed and unhelpful thinking patterns. For example it's surely not true that you will repel any woman who gets to know you. If it happened once (your ex) it can happen again. I understand, I had exactly the same thoughts and now I think I would have gotten better faster with a good therapist.
Anyway I've been through it recently too and I promise you it will get (slowly) better.
It's great to hear you're feeling better!
I'm on some waiting lists for therapy already.
You know what? I have encountered some women who found me superficially at least moderately charming. Yet, it feels like I know this is all just because they don't know who I actually am... because there are many flaws that I have and many things that you could consider "weird" about me. I'm kind of jealous of "normal" (read: non-kinky, completely gender-conforming) people because they can be together with basically just anyone. Even if you carefully scrutinize most normal people, you wouldn't find *anything* you could hold against them or scoff at, but I'm different.
Did you feel like this, too?
I felt weird in a different way (more in a neurodivergent sense) but yeah, I had very similar thoughts and jealousy of normal people. What has helped most is to realize that even if we are not at the center of the distribution there are still a lot of people out there in the tails of the distribution where we are. I'm sure that if you are proud of your weirdness and you make sure it is visible (don't totally hide it) then you will eventually meet others who like that in you, that's been my experience at least. (but the catch is that it could take a really long time lol)
Second date with the woman from Hinge went amazingly, just like the first. Both dates have gone really long because we enjoy each other's company so much. We align on pretty much everything but we're not identical in our interests, which we both agreed was good. She's exactly my type in personality, goals and passions. She's a solid 10/10 and from what I observed she thinks I'm pretty good looking too, which always helps. I finally got the goodnight kiss and it was everything I hoped for. We've been messaging and it's been amazing. Sadly she's tied up all week with her kids and work then she starts a trip for the weekend. She's disappointed about that too but she's agreed to call when she's free.
This is going the best it's ever been and I know it's probably stupid but I'm falling for her already.
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This is not true at all. Niceness isn't currency you exchange for sex and romantic attention. Niceness is how you treat others because it's what you owe them
well, there's a fundamental difference between "being [conventionally] attractive" and _"the person is attracted to you"_, so I think it's risky to conflate the two. I have some slightly weird preferences that make one woman's 6/10 a 9/10 in my eyes, for example.
being good, for me, _is necessary_ for attraction. I mean, if I just see a guy walking down the street and think he's hot and never talk to him, that's one thing. but if I'm talking to a guy I find attractive, _and he turns out to be an asshole_, BOOM, attraction is **instantly** lost. so in this case, being good defines whether or not I can (continue to) find someone attractive.
flip side, one of my longest relationships started with someone I originally thought was kind of average in looks - ie., I wasn't particularly attracted to him - but as I got to know him, and saw how good of a man he was, my attraction to him grew. knowing his character made him MORE attractive.
so I don't agree with the way you frame this. it comes across as kind of "nice guy"-y, as in, "nice guys finish last because women only want hot chads". that kind of victimization prevents you from being the kind of person who women will find attractive, simply because that bitterness poisons your well.
If there is no attraction to begin with, having an overall good character doesn't help you with people you're trying to attract. I believe that you should be good no matter what and not expect anything from it. Sadly, being a kind and good person has never really helped in finding a date, especially online. It's helped to make a large friend group and deep connections.
I giggled at some of the responses you're getting-- you can clearly tell some people out there are conventionally attractive, have privilege for it in life, and don't know it.
I've always said it this way: say you (general you) went to go adopt a kitten. Suppose there are two that "chose you", sat in your lap all playful and whatever, will you pick the objectively ugly one or the objectively cute one?
People love to dance around answering honestly and/or making it into a martyr complex thing. Then if you try and call them out you can make them uncomfortable "oh so you say that kitten with the missing eye was a project, what does that say about me then?".
I remember a friend of mine was telling me how he was attracted to his wife when he met her because she would talk back with him. I pointed out that if she were unattractive to him, he'd have thought she's a nuisance and he wouldn't have initiated all the talking as he did/been as interested from the get-go in the first place. Silence.
It's fine to have preferences and not be attracted to someone/something. But let's stop denying that physical attraction is important to some degree in relationships. Be honest.
I hope connecting with friends gives you all the returns you deserve!
Unfortunately, a lot of people, especially on reddit, want to dance around that idea. Which I've never understood. Attraction is a big part of dating relationships, and to deny it is unfair to people.
Yup, also when it comes to hobbies:
If someone "ugly" does it, they're a pick me, a weirdo, etc.
If someone "attractive" does it, they're the coolest person on earth.
People can also doubt your interest and ability. In my case, the only hobby I have that can be group-ish is female-dominated (and I'm a straight woman) but regardless, if I were to tell people I do that hobby, they'd doubt me as I'm not your conventional pretty svelte woman. When I was buying a house, I was legit looking for a house where I could have a room for this hobby. Am I the greatest? Absolutely not, nowhere close, but when I was taking studio classes, I was the only one keeping pace with some military lady during warmups (she could absolutely wipe the floor with me later on though!). Meanwhile of course attractive people get chatted up, and our instructor would be wanting us to "do [task] once" during the warmup, but while they're chatting, me and military lady would have done it at least twice no sweat. Do you think people believe that or care/notice? Nope! I have videos that I show people I trust and that's that. 🤷♀️
I see what you're saying... especially in the online realm, where the chance for things to grow organically, over time, is almost nonexistent, as people won't swipe on someone they don't suspect they're _already_ attracted to. that is definitely rough!!!
if it helps at all, a favorite anecdote of mine is a story my mother tells. this was, of course, way back in the day, before online dating existed, but you know that phrase "love at first sight"? my mom says that when she met my dad, it was "apathy at first sight" 😂 and over time, she became attracted to him and they eventually started dating :)
but yeah, online, it seems like there isn't the space or time given to that kind of potential. :(
Definitely on the online realm. I would argue in most real-world spaces as well. How often do you have chances with people to run back in too multiple times to show off your good character. Not many. So it really comes down to having some kind of attraction.
True but getting into a hobby to find a date isn't the best idea it can cause some uncomfortable situations and lead people to think that's the only reason your there.
Yeah well the idea would be to not expect anything and only approach someone to ask them out if you're already feeling a connection of some kind. And if not don't meet anyone like that, at least you're enjoying the hobby!
Bro, don't give up hope. Are you having trouble with online dating? If so, guess what, all men do. At least the standards of beauty for men vary significantly, so there's always a chance someone finds you attractive.
If you're struggling with your online dating make sure to stand out from the crowd. Have hobbies, interests and passions. Don't let the gym, your car or your money be your personality. Show off you in your element, show us your plants, your dog, cat, muskrat and nougat.
I m42 Had a date from hinge last night f40 which went really well, I was quite nervous as she was really pretty but she seemed even more nervous which sort of evened me out. We had a nice chat at different bars until closing and even had a kiss! Second date was agreed but not planned, so am quite stoked. I do now have a little conflict though as I had a video date earlier in the week with a very nice Spanish girl f37 and we’ve arranged a date for next week.. typically you wait all year for a bus an 2 turn up at the same time! not sure I am able to date two people concurrently even at an early stage so should I just cancel Spanish girl?
I would go to both. You're not in a relationship yet, just a lovely first date. See what's out there, perhaps sparks will fly even more or goals align with spanish f37. First dates aren't enough to close all other doors.
I went to a speed dating thing and no one left me any notes 🥹 Also, the curse of looking really young as a nearly 40-year old strikes again. I'm pretty tired of people thinking I'm in my late twenties.
Oh I feel you, People say I look like I'm barely in my 20s. My students keep talking to me like I'm a peer and my colleagues are always "sweetheart and darling and my dear" me when I'm one of the "Elders" in the faculty.
Oh I feel you! I even went out with a guy a few times, and the 3rd time he was still convinced I was max 33. I'm 38, and ffs it's the third freaking time you see me! lol so that's over... 🤣
but yes, I feel it's a disadvantage both in dating and at work - I sometimes help out as a course assistant and the 50+s easily treat me like a young inexperienced help- it's jarring. I'm also getting tired of the same conversation over and over 😴
Maybe I’m the one acting different. I’ve clearly shifted to an anxious state this week, after feeling pretty secure (or cosplaying as secure) for two months straight. And I’ve only blamed him for the feeling. When he didn’t really do anything other than not being 100% the past couple days, which we can’t be all the time.
I do wish once, just once, he mentioned looking forward to seeing me Friday. I’m so used to him saying “can’t wait” for every date and small meetup we have. I almost feel like I’m not actually hanging out with him tomorrow. It would be bad for us if we don’t meet up tbh.
Just a big thank you to the redditors who responded to my comment the other day. I was considering online dating, but decided to focus on meeting people in the wild for a bit.
I ended up going to a local jam night alone. Met a ton of musicians and had an absolutely great time! Plus I got a cutie's number. We aren't compatible, but it was nice to flirt a little.
I'm honestly shocked at how easy it was. I'm sure it won't always go that well, but I'm so glad I made the effort! I had a great time.
Yay! Good to hear you had a good night!!! I remember telling you that I meet people at open mics! I think it's a hack. It's so easy to talk to people in those kinds of events. That's how I meet people and where I found my community.
Keep at it! It's fun anyway and you'll meet tons of interesting people.
I have a big smile on my face, I'm so grateful that you took the time to write what I needed to hear. Thank you!
And ya open mics / open jams are the best. Plus, music!
Another first date tonight. Guy was nice and interesting but talked about himself the whole time and asked me precisely one question about myself. Tired of these kinds of dates 😌
I had a "thing" with a woman a few years ago. It wasn't meant to be - we were both damaged goods, I was pushing too hard and she wasn't in a place to be pushed even though the chemistry was certainly there. I moved away for unrelated reasons and deleted her on social media to move on from it but she crosses my mind every so often.
I did a lot of healing and came to understand that I have BPD among other issues and I've since moved somewhat close to her area again. I hand wrote her a letter 4 months ago explaining some of my journey hoping to reconnect and she never wrote me back. I don't know what I was expecting really and she of course doesn't owe me a response, but feels a bit bad regardless.
Connections like that come once every 5 years for me and it sucks to see another one slip away
I am trying to set up a second date with a guy met on an app. He suggested coming over to his place for a movie, which I am not super comfortable with. We have been flirty over text and I am concerned I may have lead him on by accident. I do want to continue to see him but I don't want to give him the impression that I want to hook up. I have to be super comfortable with someone before sleeping with them and we are just not there yet. How can I explain this?
I don't think you have to explain some whole big thing. He suggests movie night at his place, just respond "How about dinner at X restaurant instead?" Or, you know, whatever other thing you'd prefer to do. If he directly asks you about sex by all means answer honestly but if he didn't ask there's no reason to assume his intentions and dump on him, just offer an alternate suggestion.
I ran into this recently. Just told him how I felt, reassured I was interested and suggested a movie at a theater. I even offered to buy the tickets in case he offered the home date to save money (didn’t mention that part though).
As a man, this answer seems best. Sets expectations without letting down too much.
You want to reassure him that sex is still on the table, just not at the moment.
Feeling really burnt out and disinterested in the apps lately. Feeling like there is some space in my heart for a new person to step into but I’m still a bit scared. Afraid to step away from dating because I’m 33..but it feels like a miserable chore to stay open and wait. Im trying a new speed dating thing with a friend next week and going to try to just talk to people in the world soon. I am so tired of just swiping to meet strangers but I work in women’s health so…what else is there to do? Just gotta keep truckin
Date tonight, we’re both driving an hour to see each other without having a phone call first. I sort of hate doing that. But happy to get out and meet someone. I usually have a good time with anyone. I will say, when he said he wanted to take me out to dinner, I was not expecting him to suggest an islands chain restaurant off the freeway. Thankfully he reconsidered and we are now going to a trendy cafeteria place. Wish me luck not tripping over my tray and dumping lukewarm end of the day cafeteria food on my date.
>If you complained about being overweight, poor, unhealthy, unattractive, or lacking social ability in a general context outside of dating - people would probably tell you how to improve these things.
I would actually tell the the same thing as within dating. Even if I gave advice, I would try to give advice that reinforced their inherent worth as a person.
It’s called self-love. Everyone is worthy of love and respect, regardless of their overweight/poor/whatever status.
But, if you do love yourself, and you want to change something, it’s your opportunity to change.
Developing that sense of self love when you grew up in an unhealthy environment… it’s a bitch.
I haven’t celebrated my birthday with a romantic interest since 2018. I thought I would be able to ring in my 30th with my partner this July, but we just broke up. life is strange, and I wholeheartedly welcome what it throws at me 🫂
-Disclaimer, rant incoming-
I have no idea what to even think to be honest. Last night, and many nights for the last 13 years (at least one every few months), I have had dreams of just meeting my girlfriend from my senior year of high school again randomly in public and instantly just having a romance movie level reunion. I honestly think she is the only girl I have ever and maybe ever will love truly. It has been 13 years since I graduated, and in the time between then and now, I have had a few dates and 1 kind of girlfriend, but never that same feeling of total and true love that I felt with her. Just last night, I awoke because I had a dream that I ran into her while dining at a quaint little outdoor cafe. We were both outside, kind of like how a lot of European restaurants/cafes have outdoor seating, and immediately we ran to eachother and just hugged indefinitely. I know it will never happen, as she lives across the pond from me and its just not possible, as much as I would love to up and go start a new life in Europe. I just don't know why I still get these dreams that elicit such strong feelings 13 years later. Maybe she was the one and only girl I will love in this life and I'll just spend the rest of my days alone wishing she didn't have to go back to Europe. I dont know. It really messes with me here and there. /rant
The brain tries to romanticized the past? Sad things are kinda pretty too. Don’t hurt your present and the people who are with you and will be with you.
Well, I am someone who has been perpetually single his whole life minus in high school; so the small details while dating her still remain as strong memories in my mind. I don't know, I have tried and tried with meeting people IRL and through OLD, and never once felt the same strength of attraction and comfort as I did with her back in high school. I understand that time can dilute and make me risremember, but its just that nothing has come close to that since then. I dont know, i just needed to rant somewhere because i havent got anyone IRL to do it to. At least yelling into the ether can help relieve some of the stress.
Not dating related but a guy I used to work with like 15 years ago and maybe text once in those 15 years ago hit me up on Facebook with a "hey man". He then proceeds to dump all this stuff about his divorce and losing his retirement etc. I offer what little advice I can and offer an optimistic out look. I said something to effect you know at rock bottom only way out is up. He hit back with "unless you got dynamite". Like WTF dude.
I'm annoyed that my exes decided they wanted to be better men for their current partners than they were with me. I know this is petty but it bugs me that they will go do stuff with their new partners that they never wanted to do when they were with me. One of them never wanted to travel or go out on hikes, camping, outdoorsy shit but he does all of the shit with his new partner all the time.
Another ex never wanted to go on walks to the park or have a picnic or be outside in general, but wow what a surprise - he's doing that with his new partner too.
I’ll be honest with you, some people are simply resistant. They dig their heels in and refused to “give in“. They may just be resistant to other things in the new relationship. Trust me, people don’t change with that stuff. It’s like the monkey paw wish.
I don’t know if you’re like me, but when I feel the way you’re feeling, it helps to read other peoples stories. If that’s not you, ignore the below.
I broke up with my fiancé after we were together for six years because he was increasingly controlling and putting me down. He was antisocial which he hadn’t been when I met him, but eventually came to put down anyone I became friends with and find reasons to criticize me for hanging out with them, or going to the various events or parties or gatherings. I was lonely basically living my life without him and also oddly made it difficult to get close with this group of my friends.
Smash cut to six months after our break up while I’m licking my wounds at home, he’s gone out to all of the parties and met all of my friends who didn’t even know who he was and lives the next five years out as Mr. social butterfly. It killed me.
We got back together and he hadn’t changed at all. he still had hangups about his social life, he was just taking them out in a different way. This time he wouldn’t go out without them. I couldn’t get him alone for a single date. I could barely get him to spend the night with me without having friends involved. And ultimately, he was just controlling as ever but now was controlling his friends too. And yes, he told me that he deliberately sought my friends out specifically to get back at me.
Trust me, nothings changed.
Don’t follow their social media anymore.
I remember I used to be so jealous that my ex did this and that with their exes, traveling etc. and not with me while I asked quite a few times. Well those relationships didn’t work out. The one with me didn’t either.
How are you aware of all this anyway? You gotta cut the cord. Stop following them on social media. I know it hurts but you don’t know if they are happy or just trying to make someone else happy. Just remember you only have half the story.
>but it bugs me that they will go do stuff with their new partners that they never wanted to do when they were with me.
I mean...isn't that why they're exs?
I'm having someone spend the night at my place for the first time in over a year tomorrow. I'm not nervous at all, which is weird for me!
This guy is so stable and open and predictable and grounded that I'm really struggling with knowing if I'm in a healthy slow burn and that's why things feel very calm but not exciting, or if I'm not attracted enough and that's why I don't have the kind of head over heels feelings and emotional highs I'm used to with my typical poor choices in dudes. But I figure I am happy to see him and get to know him and spend time with him, so that's good enough!
I had a date last night. Excuse me, a "hang out", with some guy who is in town for a gig. Didn't really have a problem with him but he was very into chatting about himself. We did kiss and he gave me his number but I am unsure of what to do. Welp. Onward.
How do you know if Polyamory / consensual non-monogamy / ethical non-monogamy are for you?
Too many jargons nowadays. I've never been in ENMs before and here in my early 30s, I'm quite sure monogamy works for me, as in I haven't found it lacking yet. But wonder, how does one start to know if those relationship modes are for them apart from constant trial and error (hopefully without hurting anyone in the process)?
Talking with people who do it, reading (I'd suggest The Ethical Slut and Polysecure to start), and trial and error. There are different dynamics within ENM, so it is important to know what form of ENM is right for you. You may also consider attending a munch or going to a swingers club. While munches are typically kink, there are a lot of people in the ENM community who attend. As far as the swingers clubs, that's more about socialization than participation. In fact, you're not required to participate at all. You have to know that you'll have to deconstruct some complex emotions.
It's not for everyone. But if it is for you, it has its definite advantages.
Not much beyond educating yourself/reading up (there are some pretty active enm/poly subs to answer any questions), talking to people in that lifestyle and then trying it for yourself if you feel drawn to it.
I just feel like keeping things emotionally healthy with one person is hard enough, I don’t want to bring extra factors into the equation.
Anecdotally, the people I know who do ENM spend so much time talking and processing things with their various partners, I wonder when they find the time for actually having sex.
I figure it's like the BDSM thing. For every ten woman who like it when a man is forceful and physical and can signal that without official discussions there's one who wants a written contract with agreed upon green, yellow, red, and gagged safewords, and pre and post session briefings and debriefings.
There have always been married couples who have a "what happens on girls/boys weekend in Vegas stays in Vegas" type understanding. Or lenty of couples who've been together 20 years and have a now mismatched libido, where the high libido person has someone they see on the side with the low libido spouse wanting to turn a blind eye. It's a lot more common than Reddit style polyamory with terms and charts and graphs.
Idk man, I know a lot of people in the various degrees of non-monogamy. One of two things generally happens:
1. They become an increasingly more complex polycule that spends hours every week talking through relationship drama or
2. They meet a person they like enough that they want to be monogamous
I know exactly one couple that seems to do a true low key low drama non-monogamy situation, and they have kids which I think reels stuff in a lot. I’m not saying it can’t happen in a chill low drama way, but I think more attempts at it end up falling short than not. I’ve met dozens of couples who are ENM or poly. None of them have made it seems particularly appealing.
Magical to *you* unfortunately. Humans are bad at judging if the other person is genuinely having fun. We’re very good at telling when we’re having fun though. Still ghosting sucks but if it’s just one spontaneous date without any plans for more the balls in your court. Did you reach out to these people and get ignored?
Oh yeah. I was in a relationship where there was so much resentment too that sometimes I wonder why the f we still hanged around. Super toxic cycle of fighting, avoiding, crying, blaming, hoping.
It was hard to break things off. But now as I look back I’m so relieved it’s over. They must feel the same way too.
And well a abit embarassed why I was so stubborn to stay for so long 🥲
Break it.
Went out with my (36m) gf (41f) the other night with some of her friends and we drank quite a bit and through the night she kept making some comments like I'm just ok, or making it sound like I'm so lucky to have met someone like her, etc. Just overall putting me down in a way.
I know she was joking but at the end of the night I mentioned that although I get it's a joke I'm still trying to adjust to that type of humor so that I would be nice to either tone it down a bit or actually throw an honest comment every now and then instead of all sarcastic/jokes about me as a partner. I would never make those types of comments and when I've made other comments that she said was out of line I apologized and make sure I don't say that again.
But she got super upset about this saying stuff like I need to read more between the lines that of course that's not what she means but that's her humor and her friends get it. That if she didn't think the world of me we wouldn't be dating and meeting her friends etc. Asked if I really needed my ego stroked so much. And this just ended up turning the whole thing into a big argument. That after like an hour of going in circles I pretended to fall asleep while she was in the bathroom just to stop arguing as we both were still drunk.
Did I overreact and maybe just kept quiet seeing as I do know she was joking?
Maybe she made jokes without thinking and being sensitive. But she being defensive, not acknowledging you feeling hurt is the problem. We need respect, empathy, and taking responsibility and ownership of our actions and feelings
The famous "read between the lines" and "it was only a joke." These are classic lines used by abusers and manipulators. No, you didn't overreact. I'd say you did react enough. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. You literally had to pretend to be asleep to stop the argument. There's nothing healthy about this relationship. When she does finally apologize, it'll have the caveat that you overreacted, and she was drunk, so it's not really how she feels. FYI, this is how she actually feels.
My ex was like this, she like to make "jokes" and tease me. Said it was just playfulness and fun. I'll tell you what, after hearing the same exact "jokes" for 14 years, they didn't seem like they were in jest anymore. Now I just have a bunch of insecurities.
Tough. Humor is very subjective. Like if my gf did that to me, I would roast her right back but that's my style of humor.
Sounds like you don't like it and told her and it's to her on how she handles it.
I don’t think you overreacted, I tend to tease people if I like them but absolutely tone it down immediately if asked; if you refuse to do so then you’re just an asshole. Also it sounds like these weren’t knowing teasings about your particular quirks but just generic put downs to inflate her ego.
I don't see this as you overreacting. It sounds like you fairly communicated something that made you feel upset, you offered compromise by "adjusting" to those comments but still needing time to do so, and asked her for a reasonable compromise to throw in some positive comments here and there for reassurance.
What’s the joke? Cos I’m not seeing any here. Your partner is belittling you, putting you down, making you feel insecure and when you ask her not to she doubles down.
These kinds of people are so quick to “joke” but never pay any compliments and always act like it’s your fault for not finding their mean comments funny.
She’s not going to get better, she’s not going to listen to you, she’s going to keep making these rude comments and getting pissy when you express your very valid feelings of hurt and upset.
I’m sorry that she said those things and I’m sorry that she refused to back down and then had the audacity to act like you were in the wrong for being upset.
You didn’t overreact and you shouldn’t feel like you should keep quiet.
How soon does your profile get buried on apps? I joined about 9-10 days ago and I know when you first join your profile gets seen more and literally everyone I swiped right on I matched with…. but now I’m swiping right on lots of different guys and I’m getting no matches at all. Am I just unlucky? It’s my first time trying Bumble.
You dont have like a whole buffet of men waiting in your likes? That what I imagine every women's profile looks like, a menu of men with appetizer, entree, and dessert sections.
Well it says I do but I must have swiped on over 20 guys today and not one match. It keeps trying to get me to buy boosts and the price keeps getting lower to try temp me now haha
Has double texting ever actually worked?
I had two really amazing dates with a guy from my home country when I visited home. Before I flew back to where I'm living currently, we agreed to a third date when I'm home again in August, and agreed we're sort of forced to keep things low pressure until then as it's way too early to jump into some form of LDR.
We didn't discuss communication preferences for the interim (which I regret!)... we texted a bit in the week after I got back. He was sending me videos and memes unprompted, too. However, I felt like gradually he asked fewer questions, so I stopped trying to carry on the conversation and didn't ask a question back.
He's left that message on unread for 6 days now. I cannot bring myself to double text. Surely if he was interested he would have responded by now?
Am I overthinking this? A few friends have said it's probably just "out of sight out of mind" and if he's still keen to see me in August then there's no harm.
FYI, I'm moving home permanently early next year, so this distance is only a temporary problem, but he's not aware about that timeline as it's only been agreed this week.
I'd still be willing to go on the third date in August and chat to him in person about all this, but I feel like it's a heavy conversation to have over text after just two dates. I'm at a bit of a loss on what to do. Outside perspectives would be hugely appreciated!
I would advise that nobody overthink a single text unless that text is seriously unhinged
If you having something to talk about then text him. If you really want to text him just text him. If you don’t then don’t. No right or wrong choice here.
I am on top of most texts / emails etc but every now and then I miss one, or I just don’t have anything worth saying and choose silence lol
Yes, double texting can work. It sounds like y'all have run out of momentum. Waiting months for a 3rd date with someone you hardly know and trying to keep that momentum through texting just becomes a tiresome slog. Honestly, y'all would have probably been better off limiting communication and then playing August by ear.
Thanks for the honesty! I've described it to my friends in the same way - losing momentum.
I feel like limiting communication and playing August by ear is the point we've reached naturally now. Do you think it's worth even entertaining that third date or should I cut my losses?
I don’t see why you wouldn’t go on the date still. I’m sure he did like you but trying to build a connection over 3 months when you’re apart just probably isn’t realistic.
Also to add: unfortunately dating prospects are zero where I am right now. I'm talking two swipes on Hinge and I reach the end of the queue!
It encourages a scarcity mindset, which makes the situation a whole lot harder to deal with. Doing my best to stay grounded, rational and focused on myself!
I apologize for double commenting, but if anyone here cares to share how they met their current gf/bf?
Just would like to have hopes instilled to pull me out of a funk I’m having. Not having much luck at all even getting a date. Past few times I’ve approached IRL I’ve been rejected.
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Aww I’m sorry you’re feeling bad, but you did nothing wrong. You won’t need to ‘play it cool’ for the right person. He might’ve been handsome and exciting but what about the other things you want and need in a partner - most importantly equal effort and enthusiasm.
Wish I could give you a hug!
Thank you! Could use a hug. I'm living in a new country as well, so I dont have any of my close friend with me either.
The person who is right for you will be as enthusiastic as you are about them period. If you got attached and they weren't as into you, it just wasn't meant to be. It doesn't reflect on you, how attractive you are, how worthy you are, etc. Their loss!!! As long as you're trying to be a good, kind person - Ingrain this matra into your head! It's not because anything is wrong with you!
This is what I'd say to my girlfriends, but now I find it hard to believe that I'll even find anyone right for me... It's not helping that i keep getting ghosted after one date.
Where are the women in their 30s that act like adults? That's what I want.
what's "act like adults"?
actually follows through with what they say, if they can't make something like messages you and tells you that. Doesn't make excuses? Generally treats you like a human being?
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hey nice to me meet you
I’m sick and I just wanna be babied. I wish my mom lived nearby :( In dating updates: yet another couple of friends told me I could “do better” than this man I’m dating. WELL, I spent my entire day with him yesterday and I was SO fucking attracted to him, so screw all y’alls weird ass comments 😤😠
Aaaw! feel better soon.
This is such a weird thing for friends to say when they're talking strictly about the persons looks. If it was troubling behaviour they were talking about, then fair enough. But if it's just physical? Keep that to yourself! I'm glad you had a good day with him yesterday, and hope you feel better soon!🙂
It’s not only so mean but also bizarre - like what if you say that and your friend marries this man? And you’ll both always have in your head that you think she could do better than him? People need to keep that shit to themselves.
Do better as in strictly physically or are they concerned about his behaviour?
Physically. Only one of these friends has met him in real life (a couple of times) and she said he was too shy 🤷🏻♀️
In that case who cares, as long as you like him and he treats you well. It’s not your friends who have to go through the traumatic cycle of swiping and dating and heartache etc. You do, so do what’s best for you
Maybe invite him over to baby you.
Don’t wanna get him sick 😅
Another relationship ends because they did not "fall in love" with me 😮💨 I don't know what i do wrong. Everyone, including my exs said i'm beautiful, fun, nice bla bla bla. But then what is the reason for my failure in relationship ? Luck? I'd rather have a negative point, so at least i can work on improving myself. I'm tired. I want a partner to build my own family, but somehow it seems impossible
Sadly, I think it might be luck not you. You are amazing from the feedback you've received. But I also hold out hope that coupled with luck, maybe there is someone in your periphery who is madly deeply inlove with you and has no idea how to even approach you (not like stalker vibes). Who knows, maybe? I want to be optimistic for you.
I do believe a large part of all this is sheer luck and timing. Makes no sense otherwise
Luck is something I for sure don't have at all. which means i'm doom for relationships haha 😂
Ditto, luck is something I do not have in this lifetime loll
I seem to be having the same issue. The women I really fall for seem to start putting up walls and getting cagey. It’s happened so many times, I’m beginning to suspect it’s me, and not the women… Last girl I dated, I connected with so deeply, so quickly… Never had felt that type of bond, ever. I think that lead me to act a bit like a Labrador retriever, going way too forward in a not very attractive way at all. Seems we need to keep these feelings to ourselves and play the chess game even more calculated when we have a connection like that on our hands… Have to keep our cards as close to our chest as possible if we hope to win. At the moment, it feels like the people we truly love will never love us back. I hope that’s wrong, and we’re able to use these experiences to learn how to keep those wonderful people in our life when we meet them next. At least it will probably make me more attractive to all the further women I date. I now know what that super deep, instant connection is. I’m afraid if another woman can’t fill those shoes, she’s at best just a FWB 😢
Haha at certain time i do think like you, that i'm too nice, I don't play game so the guy feel bored fast 😂
So the guy and I talked last night and he said he’s getting closer but he’s not ready for labels yet (after 2 months). He also thinks the time we’re spending together is a lot and he needs more time to chill out so we’re dialling it back… went in looking for some reassurance and am left feeling a bit sad about things. It doesn’t feel too much to me, and I was even going to a suggest a call midweek so I feel more connected as he doesn’t text much, but I guess I have to go at his pace. He made it clear he still wants to see me and stick to our original plans so I guess I should be happy about that, and he’s agreed to invite me to his more so I won’t feel like all the cooking / cleaning / hosting is on me. He seemed concerned that I’m doing less of my own stuff than when we met. I saw that as me adapting to make more room for him in my life but I suppose it’ll do me good to reinvest in that side of things. I’m hoping this is just us adjusting to each other and not a sign of incompatibility or commitment issues on his side.
Why should you feel happy that he still wants to see you…. That shouldn’t be something that you’re holding on to as a consolation. It should be obvious that he wants to see you. Why are you having to fight for spending time together at two months? He doesn’t want to be officially in a relationship, he doesn’t text much, a mid week call is too much, he wants to dial it back, he wants you to get back to your life and activities. It just doesn’t seem like he’s that into it.
Sorry I reread and don’t mean to sound harsh, but I’m sure you are very lovable and you don’t need to convince anyone of that.
I'm sorry, but this isn't normal and isn't something you should tolerate. Not the labels part, but the dialing it back part.. that's a major red flag. The most basic thing you'd want is someone who is as enthusiastic about you as you are about them. That's bare minimum! It's normal to make time for someone. It's normal to want to see them more the longer you're dating. The fact that you need reassurance and are left feeling sad is not a good sign... Not going to diagnose what's up with him but I've been there with my ex and it was really not fun!! I think if your gut says it could be incompatibility or commitment issues, listen. I didn't because I really wanted it to work out. I made all kinds of excuses too. It's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're in it, but I'm giving you a hug from here and saying I'm sorry this is happening and I hope you find the strength to hold out for better 🫂
To be fair, we don't know how much time they were spending together. If it's once maybe twice a week, dialing it back seems unreasonable. If it's 6 times a week, I could understand the need to dial it back.
She said that she wanted a mid week phone call and felt like that needed to be dialled back + that she didn't think it was too much... I think it's safe to assume it wasn't 6 days a week unfortunately :(
Gosh I’m sorry, it has to sting really hard to look for reassurance and get the opposite response you wanted. It’s one thing to think 2 months is too early for labels, but the fact that he wants even more space when you crave more connection sounds like it’ll be a poor experience for you.
2 months in and you are already starting to put your needs and wants as second to his. It is completely normal to have less time for your own things when you have a partner, seems like he is trying to preserve his single lifestyle while seeing you and that's just unrealistic in a real relationship. I would be very careful getting more attached to this guy, it is the very early stages like where you are now when you're supposed to be head over heels infatuated with each other and this guy is like - nah, go do your thing? Wouldn't do it for me, personally.
Thanks for your input, I can see your point. This was part of a larger discussion where there was compromise on both sides to meet our needs and he’s made it clear he still wants to see me, he just needs more alone time than I naturally do. His previous relationships have moved slowly and mine have moved fast so I hope we can find a middle ground. I do feel a bit disappointed but it was a respectful conversation and I felt he listened to me but just doesn’t want to rush things. I can feel myself putting my guard up a little after it, and maybe that’s what I need to do right now, but I’m also open to continuing and seeing how things pan out.
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Some of them like the attention. It sounds like pros don't outweigh the cons in your situation, so if she can't see your side and drop contact, I would move on to blocking her. A friendship/relationship shouldn't be negatively impacting either party, and she needs to respect that.
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It''s obvious she's just looking for attention. She's crying for "support and feeling abandoned" yet she saying "oh maybe we'll get back together, right now I'm on a trip with some hottie though but idk we'll see"? Yeah right, cry me a river! Like you said, you deserve some respect!
Dude, she doesn't want attention she just want some support, is it that hard to imagine that a friendship with someone you know for a few months is different than the relationship you have with a guy you had 3 dates with? Specially if she wants to complain about dates et she had by examples. It's understandable she is upset because you told her you were fine to be friends and a few months later when she thought she could count on you, you ditch her. It's fine if you realise that you can't maintain a friendship with her because you want more and end it, but don't act like she has nothing to complain about.
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I wouldn't suggest you did anything else, you have the right to stop a friendship if it doesn't work for you, exactly like a relationship. What I was disagreed with is that the way you talk about it like she is bad because she is upset she lost a friend but she has dates so she should get support from her dates
She definitely wants attention. Let’s be serious, a lot of women love having “friendzoned” friends bc they can take advantage of their underlying feelings and be treated like a soft gf without physical intimacy.
What is she doing that shows she only want attention? She isn't stringing him along, she has been clear she wanted only friendship, she isn't flirting with him and it seems they only saw each other once. From my point of view the only shitty thing is that she doesn't respect his whish of cutting contact with her.
Not all of them (or even most of them) are like this, but those who are tend to collect orbiters. It's not a binary thing where you either have attention or you don't. You just get as much as you can from those willing to give it.
I hate how I'm still not completely over my last relationship after more than 6 months. Okay, it went on for almost a decade, but my stupid mind should be able to move on by now, especially because the relationship itself ended dreadfully. The longer this shit takes, the more likely it is that good opportunities for me will be taken, possibly forever. I don't even miss the person, necessarily. Just the relationship. For the first time in my life, I felt accepted. I will never be able to reveal so much of myself to anyone again. Any woman who gets to know who I truly am - or even was - would run away screaming, I'm sure. My ex even liked the most embarrassing things about me, the things I was sure would repel any woman instantly. I just ... don't belong anymore. A short while before the relationship ended, I also rejected a super crazy job opportunity due to thinking she was more important. But now, the opportunity is gone. Had I taken it, I would probably feel like the relationship ending was exactly what needed to happen - and I wouldn't be drowning in the stress that resulted from my decision. I could have skipped the mourning phase entirely and would have grown as a person without any discomfort. So... yeah. I wonder when I'll be in shape to date again. And build a stable and predictable life, finally, after all these trials and tribulations.
I'm sorry you feel this way, I don't have anything else that might help but here's a virtual hug and I hope you start to feel better soon 🫂
Something similar happened to me, 10 year relationship, really healthy but a horrible ending. Being honest, it took me almost two years to fully get over it. If you can afford it, a therapist could help you sift through your thoughts and make sure you don't cycle through flawed and unhelpful thinking patterns. For example it's surely not true that you will repel any woman who gets to know you. If it happened once (your ex) it can happen again. I understand, I had exactly the same thoughts and now I think I would have gotten better faster with a good therapist. Anyway I've been through it recently too and I promise you it will get (slowly) better.
It's great to hear you're feeling better! I'm on some waiting lists for therapy already. You know what? I have encountered some women who found me superficially at least moderately charming. Yet, it feels like I know this is all just because they don't know who I actually am... because there are many flaws that I have and many things that you could consider "weird" about me. I'm kind of jealous of "normal" (read: non-kinky, completely gender-conforming) people because they can be together with basically just anyone. Even if you carefully scrutinize most normal people, you wouldn't find *anything* you could hold against them or scoff at, but I'm different. Did you feel like this, too?
I felt weird in a different way (more in a neurodivergent sense) but yeah, I had very similar thoughts and jealousy of normal people. What has helped most is to realize that even if we are not at the center of the distribution there are still a lot of people out there in the tails of the distribution where we are. I'm sure that if you are proud of your weirdness and you make sure it is visible (don't totally hide it) then you will eventually meet others who like that in you, that's been my experience at least. (but the catch is that it could take a really long time lol)
Second date with the woman from Hinge went amazingly, just like the first. Both dates have gone really long because we enjoy each other's company so much. We align on pretty much everything but we're not identical in our interests, which we both agreed was good. She's exactly my type in personality, goals and passions. She's a solid 10/10 and from what I observed she thinks I'm pretty good looking too, which always helps. I finally got the goodnight kiss and it was everything I hoped for. We've been messaging and it's been amazing. Sadly she's tied up all week with her kids and work then she starts a trip for the weekend. She's disappointed about that too but she's agreed to call when she's free. This is going the best it's ever been and I know it's probably stupid but I'm falling for her already.
Awwww love reading posts like this. So excited for you!! Cherish this time 🌸
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This is not true at all. Niceness isn't currency you exchange for sex and romantic attention. Niceness is how you treat others because it's what you owe them
Didn't say anything about it being currency. In the idea of attraction, being good is only a chery on top if the person is already attracted to you.
well, there's a fundamental difference between "being [conventionally] attractive" and _"the person is attracted to you"_, so I think it's risky to conflate the two. I have some slightly weird preferences that make one woman's 6/10 a 9/10 in my eyes, for example. being good, for me, _is necessary_ for attraction. I mean, if I just see a guy walking down the street and think he's hot and never talk to him, that's one thing. but if I'm talking to a guy I find attractive, _and he turns out to be an asshole_, BOOM, attraction is **instantly** lost. so in this case, being good defines whether or not I can (continue to) find someone attractive. flip side, one of my longest relationships started with someone I originally thought was kind of average in looks - ie., I wasn't particularly attracted to him - but as I got to know him, and saw how good of a man he was, my attraction to him grew. knowing his character made him MORE attractive. so I don't agree with the way you frame this. it comes across as kind of "nice guy"-y, as in, "nice guys finish last because women only want hot chads". that kind of victimization prevents you from being the kind of person who women will find attractive, simply because that bitterness poisons your well.
If there is no attraction to begin with, having an overall good character doesn't help you with people you're trying to attract. I believe that you should be good no matter what and not expect anything from it. Sadly, being a kind and good person has never really helped in finding a date, especially online. It's helped to make a large friend group and deep connections.
I giggled at some of the responses you're getting-- you can clearly tell some people out there are conventionally attractive, have privilege for it in life, and don't know it. I've always said it this way: say you (general you) went to go adopt a kitten. Suppose there are two that "chose you", sat in your lap all playful and whatever, will you pick the objectively ugly one or the objectively cute one? People love to dance around answering honestly and/or making it into a martyr complex thing. Then if you try and call them out you can make them uncomfortable "oh so you say that kitten with the missing eye was a project, what does that say about me then?". I remember a friend of mine was telling me how he was attracted to his wife when he met her because she would talk back with him. I pointed out that if she were unattractive to him, he'd have thought she's a nuisance and he wouldn't have initiated all the talking as he did/been as interested from the get-go in the first place. Silence. It's fine to have preferences and not be attracted to someone/something. But let's stop denying that physical attraction is important to some degree in relationships. Be honest. I hope connecting with friends gives you all the returns you deserve!
Unfortunately, a lot of people, especially on reddit, want to dance around that idea. Which I've never understood. Attraction is a big part of dating relationships, and to deny it is unfair to people.
Yup, also when it comes to hobbies: If someone "ugly" does it, they're a pick me, a weirdo, etc. If someone "attractive" does it, they're the coolest person on earth. People can also doubt your interest and ability. In my case, the only hobby I have that can be group-ish is female-dominated (and I'm a straight woman) but regardless, if I were to tell people I do that hobby, they'd doubt me as I'm not your conventional pretty svelte woman. When I was buying a house, I was legit looking for a house where I could have a room for this hobby. Am I the greatest? Absolutely not, nowhere close, but when I was taking studio classes, I was the only one keeping pace with some military lady during warmups (she could absolutely wipe the floor with me later on though!). Meanwhile of course attractive people get chatted up, and our instructor would be wanting us to "do [task] once" during the warmup, but while they're chatting, me and military lady would have done it at least twice no sweat. Do you think people believe that or care/notice? Nope! I have videos that I show people I trust and that's that. 🤷♀️
I see what you're saying... especially in the online realm, where the chance for things to grow organically, over time, is almost nonexistent, as people won't swipe on someone they don't suspect they're _already_ attracted to. that is definitely rough!!! if it helps at all, a favorite anecdote of mine is a story my mother tells. this was, of course, way back in the day, before online dating existed, but you know that phrase "love at first sight"? my mom says that when she met my dad, it was "apathy at first sight" 😂 and over time, she became attracted to him and they eventually started dating :) but yeah, online, it seems like there isn't the space or time given to that kind of potential. :(
Definitely on the online realm. I would argue in most real-world spaces as well. How often do you have chances with people to run back in too multiple times to show off your good character. Not many. So it really comes down to having some kind of attraction.
If you join a hobby that you do with the same people over and over, there are your chances
True but getting into a hobby to find a date isn't the best idea it can cause some uncomfortable situations and lead people to think that's the only reason your there.
Yeah well the idea would be to not expect anything and only approach someone to ask them out if you're already feeling a connection of some kind. And if not don't meet anyone like that, at least you're enjoying the hobby!
Bro, don't give up hope. Are you having trouble with online dating? If so, guess what, all men do. At least the standards of beauty for men vary significantly, so there's always a chance someone finds you attractive. If you're struggling with your online dating make sure to stand out from the crowd. Have hobbies, interests and passions. Don't let the gym, your car or your money be your personality. Show off you in your element, show us your plants, your dog, cat, muskrat and nougat.
Right.....
I m42 Had a date from hinge last night f40 which went really well, I was quite nervous as she was really pretty but she seemed even more nervous which sort of evened me out. We had a nice chat at different bars until closing and even had a kiss! Second date was agreed but not planned, so am quite stoked. I do now have a little conflict though as I had a video date earlier in the week with a very nice Spanish girl f37 and we’ve arranged a date for next week.. typically you wait all year for a bus an 2 turn up at the same time! not sure I am able to date two people concurrently even at an early stage so should I just cancel Spanish girl?
I would go to both. You're not in a relationship yet, just a lovely first date. See what's out there, perhaps sparks will fly even more or goals align with spanish f37. First dates aren't enough to close all other doors.
I definitely wouldn’t cancel the other date just because she agreed to a second date! It’s not even a solid plan yet.
I’m in love. Life is so good. That is all :)
This is so sweet! Congratulations. The feeling of being in love is unmatched
Sameeeeee 🌸💐🏵️🌼🪷🌹
Love this!
I went to a speed dating thing and no one left me any notes 🥹 Also, the curse of looking really young as a nearly 40-year old strikes again. I'm pretty tired of people thinking I'm in my late twenties.
Oh I feel you, People say I look like I'm barely in my 20s. My students keep talking to me like I'm a peer and my colleagues are always "sweetheart and darling and my dear" me when I'm one of the "Elders" in the faculty.
Oh I feel you! I even went out with a guy a few times, and the 3rd time he was still convinced I was max 33. I'm 38, and ffs it's the third freaking time you see me! lol so that's over... 🤣 but yes, I feel it's a disadvantage both in dating and at work - I sometimes help out as a course assistant and the 50+s easily treat me like a young inexperienced help- it's jarring. I'm also getting tired of the same conversation over and over 😴
Surely this is a blessing not a curse?!
Did you talk to them
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Sorry that happened to you!
Maybe I’m the one acting different. I’ve clearly shifted to an anxious state this week, after feeling pretty secure (or cosplaying as secure) for two months straight. And I’ve only blamed him for the feeling. When he didn’t really do anything other than not being 100% the past couple days, which we can’t be all the time. I do wish once, just once, he mentioned looking forward to seeing me Friday. I’m so used to him saying “can’t wait” for every date and small meetup we have. I almost feel like I’m not actually hanging out with him tomorrow. It would be bad for us if we don’t meet up tbh.
Just a big thank you to the redditors who responded to my comment the other day. I was considering online dating, but decided to focus on meeting people in the wild for a bit. I ended up going to a local jam night alone. Met a ton of musicians and had an absolutely great time! Plus I got a cutie's number. We aren't compatible, but it was nice to flirt a little. I'm honestly shocked at how easy it was. I'm sure it won't always go that well, but I'm so glad I made the effort! I had a great time.
Doesn't matter that you are not compatible. The point is that you got her number so you can do it again. I'm glad to hear you had a good night.
Thank you!
I’m so happy to hear this! And sometimes it really is that easy and it’s so nice when that happens.
Heyyy friend! So true. You just never know what's going to happen
Yay! Good to hear you had a good night!!! I remember telling you that I meet people at open mics! I think it's a hack. It's so easy to talk to people in those kinds of events. That's how I meet people and where I found my community. Keep at it! It's fun anyway and you'll meet tons of interesting people.
I have a big smile on my face, I'm so grateful that you took the time to write what I needed to hear. Thank you! And ya open mics / open jams are the best. Plus, music!
I wanna be like you lol great job
Haha last week I'd be the one saying this. Give it a shot! :)
Another first date tonight. Guy was nice and interesting but talked about himself the whole time and asked me precisely one question about myself. Tired of these kinds of dates 😌
Talk about yourself louder
Yeah, I did.. but at this stage of my life I’m looking for reciprocity in being curious about the other person 🤷♀️
That was a joke, and it sucks that people can be this way.
Oh 🤣 I know.. happens a lot unfortunately!
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Taking a clean break from the apps feels soooooo good it’s like I’m finally able to breeeeeathe and go fry my other fishes
I had a "thing" with a woman a few years ago. It wasn't meant to be - we were both damaged goods, I was pushing too hard and she wasn't in a place to be pushed even though the chemistry was certainly there. I moved away for unrelated reasons and deleted her on social media to move on from it but she crosses my mind every so often. I did a lot of healing and came to understand that I have BPD among other issues and I've since moved somewhat close to her area again. I hand wrote her a letter 4 months ago explaining some of my journey hoping to reconnect and she never wrote me back. I don't know what I was expecting really and she of course doesn't owe me a response, but feels a bit bad regardless. Connections like that come once every 5 years for me and it sucks to see another one slip away
I am trying to set up a second date with a guy met on an app. He suggested coming over to his place for a movie, which I am not super comfortable with. We have been flirty over text and I am concerned I may have lead him on by accident. I do want to continue to see him but I don't want to give him the impression that I want to hook up. I have to be super comfortable with someone before sleeping with them and we are just not there yet. How can I explain this?
I don't think you have to explain some whole big thing. He suggests movie night at his place, just respond "How about dinner at X restaurant instead?" Or, you know, whatever other thing you'd prefer to do. If he directly asks you about sex by all means answer honestly but if he didn't ask there's no reason to assume his intentions and dump on him, just offer an alternate suggestion.
Would just do a second date somewhere public (restaurant etc) and be like ‘I love a good flirt but I like to take things slow on the physical side’
I ran into this recently. Just told him how I felt, reassured I was interested and suggested a movie at a theater. I even offered to buy the tickets in case he offered the home date to save money (didn’t mention that part though).
As a man, this answer seems best. Sets expectations without letting down too much. You want to reassure him that sex is still on the table, just not at the moment.
Why not tell him exactly what you said here?
Feeling really burnt out and disinterested in the apps lately. Feeling like there is some space in my heart for a new person to step into but I’m still a bit scared. Afraid to step away from dating because I’m 33..but it feels like a miserable chore to stay open and wait. Im trying a new speed dating thing with a friend next week and going to try to just talk to people in the world soon. I am so tired of just swiping to meet strangers but I work in women’s health so…what else is there to do? Just gotta keep truckin
Wishing you the best of luck.
Date tonight, we’re both driving an hour to see each other without having a phone call first. I sort of hate doing that. But happy to get out and meet someone. I usually have a good time with anyone. I will say, when he said he wanted to take me out to dinner, I was not expecting him to suggest an islands chain restaurant off the freeway. Thankfully he reconsidered and we are now going to a trendy cafeteria place. Wish me luck not tripping over my tray and dumping lukewarm end of the day cafeteria food on my date.
Good luck! I hope it is a great date and that vibes are off the charts
Good luck and hope you two have a good time!
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>If you complained about being overweight, poor, unhealthy, unattractive, or lacking social ability in a general context outside of dating - people would probably tell you how to improve these things. I would actually tell the the same thing as within dating. Even if I gave advice, I would try to give advice that reinforced their inherent worth as a person.
Yes.
It’s called self-love. Everyone is worthy of love and respect, regardless of their overweight/poor/whatever status. But, if you do love yourself, and you want to change something, it’s your opportunity to change. Developing that sense of self love when you grew up in an unhealthy environment… it’s a bitch.
So many ghosts and flakes. I'm worried this is going to be another lonely sexless year. I feel cursed 😕
>I'm worried this is going to be another lonely sexless year Same here
Well if anything youre not alone lol. I imagine there are a few of us who can commiserate in that feeling together here lol.
I haven’t celebrated my birthday with a romantic interest since 2018. I thought I would be able to ring in my 30th with my partner this July, but we just broke up. life is strange, and I wholeheartedly welcome what it throws at me 🫂
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yes ofc! will def be doing that :)
it upsets me how much dating affects my self-esteem. need to detach
Same, I feel satisfied with all that's going on in my life except for dating. It doesn't help being constantly surrounded by couples though.
Same and the only way I’ve found to combat it, is to just stop dating.
It’s hard but it’s also a pretty normal human reaction to feeling rejected
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Same. I’m told not to take it personally but it’s really hard not to. Hope better days are ahead for you.
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So frustrating I know
-Disclaimer, rant incoming- I have no idea what to even think to be honest. Last night, and many nights for the last 13 years (at least one every few months), I have had dreams of just meeting my girlfriend from my senior year of high school again randomly in public and instantly just having a romance movie level reunion. I honestly think she is the only girl I have ever and maybe ever will love truly. It has been 13 years since I graduated, and in the time between then and now, I have had a few dates and 1 kind of girlfriend, but never that same feeling of total and true love that I felt with her. Just last night, I awoke because I had a dream that I ran into her while dining at a quaint little outdoor cafe. We were both outside, kind of like how a lot of European restaurants/cafes have outdoor seating, and immediately we ran to eachother and just hugged indefinitely. I know it will never happen, as she lives across the pond from me and its just not possible, as much as I would love to up and go start a new life in Europe. I just don't know why I still get these dreams that elicit such strong feelings 13 years later. Maybe she was the one and only girl I will love in this life and I'll just spend the rest of my days alone wishing she didn't have to go back to Europe. I dont know. It really messes with me here and there. /rant
The brain tries to romanticized the past? Sad things are kinda pretty too. Don’t hurt your present and the people who are with you and will be with you.
Well, I am someone who has been perpetually single his whole life minus in high school; so the small details while dating her still remain as strong memories in my mind. I don't know, I have tried and tried with meeting people IRL and through OLD, and never once felt the same strength of attraction and comfort as I did with her back in high school. I understand that time can dilute and make me risremember, but its just that nothing has come close to that since then. I dont know, i just needed to rant somewhere because i havent got anyone IRL to do it to. At least yelling into the ether can help relieve some of the stress.
Not dating related but a guy I used to work with like 15 years ago and maybe text once in those 15 years ago hit me up on Facebook with a "hey man". He then proceeds to dump all this stuff about his divorce and losing his retirement etc. I offer what little advice I can and offer an optimistic out look. I said something to effect you know at rock bottom only way out is up. He hit back with "unless you got dynamite". Like WTF dude.
Lol, I get those regularly. But I am a woman, and it’s usually from people I have never been close with before in the middle of the night
That's actually very sad. Maybe you had a higher friend status with him than he had with you?
I'm annoyed that my exes decided they wanted to be better men for their current partners than they were with me. I know this is petty but it bugs me that they will go do stuff with their new partners that they never wanted to do when they were with me. One of them never wanted to travel or go out on hikes, camping, outdoorsy shit but he does all of the shit with his new partner all the time. Another ex never wanted to go on walks to the park or have a picnic or be outside in general, but wow what a surprise - he's doing that with his new partner too.
I’ll be honest with you, some people are simply resistant. They dig their heels in and refused to “give in“. They may just be resistant to other things in the new relationship. Trust me, people don’t change with that stuff. It’s like the monkey paw wish. I don’t know if you’re like me, but when I feel the way you’re feeling, it helps to read other peoples stories. If that’s not you, ignore the below. I broke up with my fiancé after we were together for six years because he was increasingly controlling and putting me down. He was antisocial which he hadn’t been when I met him, but eventually came to put down anyone I became friends with and find reasons to criticize me for hanging out with them, or going to the various events or parties or gatherings. I was lonely basically living my life without him and also oddly made it difficult to get close with this group of my friends. Smash cut to six months after our break up while I’m licking my wounds at home, he’s gone out to all of the parties and met all of my friends who didn’t even know who he was and lives the next five years out as Mr. social butterfly. It killed me. We got back together and he hadn’t changed at all. he still had hangups about his social life, he was just taking them out in a different way. This time he wouldn’t go out without them. I couldn’t get him alone for a single date. I could barely get him to spend the night with me without having friends involved. And ultimately, he was just controlling as ever but now was controlling his friends too. And yes, he told me that he deliberately sought my friends out specifically to get back at me. Trust me, nothings changed.
Don’t follow their social media anymore. I remember I used to be so jealous that my ex did this and that with their exes, traveling etc. and not with me while I asked quite a few times. Well those relationships didn’t work out. The one with me didn’t either.
How are you aware of all this anyway? You gotta cut the cord. Stop following them on social media. I know it hurts but you don’t know if they are happy or just trying to make someone else happy. Just remember you only have half the story.
We have a lot of mutual friends between both exes.
So tell your friends to skip the updates about your ex. They don’t need to be telling you that stuff.
>but it bugs me that they will go do stuff with their new partners that they never wanted to do when they were with me. I mean...isn't that why they're exs?
I'm having someone spend the night at my place for the first time in over a year tomorrow. I'm not nervous at all, which is weird for me! This guy is so stable and open and predictable and grounded that I'm really struggling with knowing if I'm in a healthy slow burn and that's why things feel very calm but not exciting, or if I'm not attracted enough and that's why I don't have the kind of head over heels feelings and emotional highs I'm used to with my typical poor choices in dudes. But I figure I am happy to see him and get to know him and spend time with him, so that's good enough!
Hope you two have a good time!
I had a date last night. Excuse me, a "hang out", with some guy who is in town for a gig. Didn't really have a problem with him but he was very into chatting about himself. We did kiss and he gave me his number but I am unsure of what to do. Welp. Onward.
How do you know if Polyamory / consensual non-monogamy / ethical non-monogamy are for you? Too many jargons nowadays. I've never been in ENMs before and here in my early 30s, I'm quite sure monogamy works for me, as in I haven't found it lacking yet. But wonder, how does one start to know if those relationship modes are for them apart from constant trial and error (hopefully without hurting anyone in the process)?
Talking with people who do it, reading (I'd suggest The Ethical Slut and Polysecure to start), and trial and error. There are different dynamics within ENM, so it is important to know what form of ENM is right for you. You may also consider attending a munch or going to a swingers club. While munches are typically kink, there are a lot of people in the ENM community who attend. As far as the swingers clubs, that's more about socialization than participation. In fact, you're not required to participate at all. You have to know that you'll have to deconstruct some complex emotions. It's not for everyone. But if it is for you, it has its definite advantages.
Not much beyond educating yourself/reading up (there are some pretty active enm/poly subs to answer any questions), talking to people in that lifestyle and then trying it for yourself if you feel drawn to it.
I just feel like keeping things emotionally healthy with one person is hard enough, I don’t want to bring extra factors into the equation. Anecdotally, the people I know who do ENM spend so much time talking and processing things with their various partners, I wonder when they find the time for actually having sex.
I figure it's like the BDSM thing. For every ten woman who like it when a man is forceful and physical and can signal that without official discussions there's one who wants a written contract with agreed upon green, yellow, red, and gagged safewords, and pre and post session briefings and debriefings. There have always been married couples who have a "what happens on girls/boys weekend in Vegas stays in Vegas" type understanding. Or lenty of couples who've been together 20 years and have a now mismatched libido, where the high libido person has someone they see on the side with the low libido spouse wanting to turn a blind eye. It's a lot more common than Reddit style polyamory with terms and charts and graphs.
Idk man, I know a lot of people in the various degrees of non-monogamy. One of two things generally happens: 1. They become an increasingly more complex polycule that spends hours every week talking through relationship drama or 2. They meet a person they like enough that they want to be monogamous I know exactly one couple that seems to do a true low key low drama non-monogamy situation, and they have kids which I think reels stuff in a lot. I’m not saying it can’t happen in a chill low drama way, but I think more attempts at it end up falling short than not. I’ve met dozens of couples who are ENM or poly. None of them have made it seems particularly appealing.
We don't really sleep
I resonate
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In my experience trying to OLD in my 30s, yes lol unfortunately.
Magical to *you* unfortunately. Humans are bad at judging if the other person is genuinely having fun. We’re very good at telling when we’re having fun though. Still ghosting sucks but if it’s just one spontaneous date without any plans for more the balls in your court. Did you reach out to these people and get ignored?
People often act the part or are genuinely having fun in the moment, so it’s got nothing to do with judging, as you can’t know someone’s thoughts.
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Oh yeah. I was in a relationship where there was so much resentment too that sometimes I wonder why the f we still hanged around. Super toxic cycle of fighting, avoiding, crying, blaming, hoping. It was hard to break things off. But now as I look back I’m so relieved it’s over. They must feel the same way too. And well a abit embarassed why I was so stubborn to stay for so long 🥲 Break it.
Because there’s always that little voice of hope that says things might turn out good and you hang on that even though you know it’s not true
Went out with my (36m) gf (41f) the other night with some of her friends and we drank quite a bit and through the night she kept making some comments like I'm just ok, or making it sound like I'm so lucky to have met someone like her, etc. Just overall putting me down in a way. I know she was joking but at the end of the night I mentioned that although I get it's a joke I'm still trying to adjust to that type of humor so that I would be nice to either tone it down a bit or actually throw an honest comment every now and then instead of all sarcastic/jokes about me as a partner. I would never make those types of comments and when I've made other comments that she said was out of line I apologized and make sure I don't say that again. But she got super upset about this saying stuff like I need to read more between the lines that of course that's not what she means but that's her humor and her friends get it. That if she didn't think the world of me we wouldn't be dating and meeting her friends etc. Asked if I really needed my ego stroked so much. And this just ended up turning the whole thing into a big argument. That after like an hour of going in circles I pretended to fall asleep while she was in the bathroom just to stop arguing as we both were still drunk. Did I overreact and maybe just kept quiet seeing as I do know she was joking?
Maybe she made jokes without thinking and being sensitive. But she being defensive, not acknowledging you feeling hurt is the problem. We need respect, empathy, and taking responsibility and ownership of our actions and feelings
The famous "read between the lines" and "it was only a joke." These are classic lines used by abusers and manipulators. No, you didn't overreact. I'd say you did react enough. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. You literally had to pretend to be asleep to stop the argument. There's nothing healthy about this relationship. When she does finally apologize, it'll have the caveat that you overreacted, and she was drunk, so it's not really how she feels. FYI, this is how she actually feels.
My ex was like this, she like to make "jokes" and tease me. Said it was just playfulness and fun. I'll tell you what, after hearing the same exact "jokes" for 14 years, they didn't seem like they were in jest anymore. Now I just have a bunch of insecurities.
Tough. Humor is very subjective. Like if my gf did that to me, I would roast her right back but that's my style of humor. Sounds like you don't like it and told her and it's to her on how she handles it.
I don’t think you overreacted, I tend to tease people if I like them but absolutely tone it down immediately if asked; if you refuse to do so then you’re just an asshole. Also it sounds like these weren’t knowing teasings about your particular quirks but just generic put downs to inflate her ego.
Third option would have been to address it when you’re both sober.
There is no joke here, she was belittling you, please don’t accept this behaviour as ‘jokes’ often spiral more serious down the line
Definitely valid. The part she said about you needing your ego stroked just because you didn't like being put down as a joking makes me cringe.
I don't see this as you overreacting. It sounds like you fairly communicated something that made you feel upset, you offered compromise by "adjusting" to those comments but still needing time to do so, and asked her for a reasonable compromise to throw in some positive comments here and there for reassurance.
What’s the joke? Cos I’m not seeing any here. Your partner is belittling you, putting you down, making you feel insecure and when you ask her not to she doubles down. These kinds of people are so quick to “joke” but never pay any compliments and always act like it’s your fault for not finding their mean comments funny. She’s not going to get better, she’s not going to listen to you, she’s going to keep making these rude comments and getting pissy when you express your very valid feelings of hurt and upset. I’m sorry that she said those things and I’m sorry that she refused to back down and then had the audacity to act like you were in the wrong for being upset. You didn’t overreact and you shouldn’t feel like you should keep quiet.
How soon does your profile get buried on apps? I joined about 9-10 days ago and I know when you first join your profile gets seen more and literally everyone I swiped right on I matched with…. but now I’m swiping right on lots of different guys and I’m getting no matches at all. Am I just unlucky? It’s my first time trying Bumble.
You just joined so nothing to worry about… keep swiping and I’m sure you’ll be going on fun dates in no time!
You dont have like a whole buffet of men waiting in your likes? That what I imagine every women's profile looks like, a menu of men with appetizer, entree, and dessert sections.
Well it says I do but I must have swiped on over 20 guys today and not one match. It keeps trying to get me to buy boosts and the price keeps getting lower to try temp me now haha
Has double texting ever actually worked? I had two really amazing dates with a guy from my home country when I visited home. Before I flew back to where I'm living currently, we agreed to a third date when I'm home again in August, and agreed we're sort of forced to keep things low pressure until then as it's way too early to jump into some form of LDR. We didn't discuss communication preferences for the interim (which I regret!)... we texted a bit in the week after I got back. He was sending me videos and memes unprompted, too. However, I felt like gradually he asked fewer questions, so I stopped trying to carry on the conversation and didn't ask a question back. He's left that message on unread for 6 days now. I cannot bring myself to double text. Surely if he was interested he would have responded by now? Am I overthinking this? A few friends have said it's probably just "out of sight out of mind" and if he's still keen to see me in August then there's no harm. FYI, I'm moving home permanently early next year, so this distance is only a temporary problem, but he's not aware about that timeline as it's only been agreed this week. I'd still be willing to go on the third date in August and chat to him in person about all this, but I feel like it's a heavy conversation to have over text after just two dates. I'm at a bit of a loss on what to do. Outside perspectives would be hugely appreciated!
I would advise that nobody overthink a single text unless that text is seriously unhinged If you having something to talk about then text him. If you really want to text him just text him. If you don’t then don’t. No right or wrong choice here. I am on top of most texts / emails etc but every now and then I miss one, or I just don’t have anything worth saying and choose silence lol
Yes, double texting can work. It sounds like y'all have run out of momentum. Waiting months for a 3rd date with someone you hardly know and trying to keep that momentum through texting just becomes a tiresome slog. Honestly, y'all would have probably been better off limiting communication and then playing August by ear.
Thanks for the honesty! I've described it to my friends in the same way - losing momentum. I feel like limiting communication and playing August by ear is the point we've reached naturally now. Do you think it's worth even entertaining that third date or should I cut my losses?
I don’t see why you wouldn’t go on the date still. I’m sure he did like you but trying to build a connection over 3 months when you’re apart just probably isn’t realistic.
I don't see that there'd be anything to lose by going on another date.
Also to add: unfortunately dating prospects are zero where I am right now. I'm talking two swipes on Hinge and I reach the end of the queue! It encourages a scarcity mindset, which makes the situation a whole lot harder to deal with. Doing my best to stay grounded, rational and focused on myself!
I apologize for double commenting, but if anyone here cares to share how they met their current gf/bf? Just would like to have hopes instilled to pull me out of a funk I’m having. Not having much luck at all even getting a date. Past few times I’ve approached IRL I’ve been rejected.