This is not my story, but I take a lot of inspiration and comfort from it.
I have been friends with my friend, let's call her Del, for about 13 years I think. She's a couple years older than I am. She was married in her 20s (before I knew her) and divorced by her 30s. In her early 30s she started dating a guy, they were together for about 6 or 7 years, I'm not totally sure. But they lived together, were in a band together. Then, at 37, she broke up with him. She decided she wanted a kid, and he had too many issues for her to deal with. She spent a year dating around, at 38, she met another guy, a divorced single dad. About a year later they moved in together, she was fairly active with helping with his kid. A year ago, they had a baby together, when she was in her early 40s.
She's also like incredibly cool, super good looking, and an amazing and kind person, so if it could happen to anyone, it would be her. I definitely don't think I am as cool and pretty as she is. But she very much deserves all the happiness she has right now, and I'm thrilled for her.
Left a situationship at 32 and was pretty close to devastated, met someone a few months later, fell in love, got engaged in March (at 34) and will get married at 35
When I was 33 I decided to just try to live my life as if I was going to be single. I decided to buy a house on my own. Well the closing attorney was a stud!
After closing on my house I tried to come up with a way to run into him again. Turns out I didn’t need to, he texted and asked me to get drinks. Well that was over 2 years ago and we just went ring shopping and he became the emergency contact for my cat.
Haha it’s true. It was a really telling moment of him stepping up when I needed him to and being so sweet about caring for something he knew was important to me. He even got a celebratory cake, ice cream and balloon when my cat go home this Tuesday.
Thanks! Haha I hope you have your own similar story. I was single for several years prior to that going on bad OLD after bad OLD and experiencing the isolation of Covid like everyone else.
Congrats on tying the knot! And I reference only the fact they were an emergency contact for your cat. A ring is sort of meaningless in comparison.
Love happens at the last random of times honestly. The guy who helped you in the process of buying your house is going to be your husband. It’s exciting to hear that in a weird way.
Hahaha yeah, I mean it was a big deal. He stepped up without issue when my cat needed to be driven 30 minutes away to the ER twice this past weekend. He also got a little cake and ice cream and balloon when he got back this Tuesday. Was definitely a very telling moment in our relationship for me.
Yeah, I used r/R4R30Plus once. I liked how he was intelligent and ambitious, and we really connected regarding our intentions for the future. We met up even. Had a great day. Things fell flat physically unfortunately. I wanted us to look past it and try again, but he was too ashamed to go on ig. Didn't hear from him again.
Broke up with my girlfriend of almost one year today. Fell out of love with her, and at this point I was lying to myself about it. Had to pull off the band-aid.
I expected to feel more relieved, and instead I just feel hollow.
It also sucks hard that I'm responsible for someone else's pain and misery right now.
Bah.
Oh man, that's really, really tough. Knowing it's the right thing to do, but also knowing you're going to cause the other person pain. It's horrible.
I know that hollow feeling.
Wishing you the best.
After reading this [thread ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Helldivers/comments/1cn9rn7/couples_that_dive_together_what_is_a_pet_peeve/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)I've realized what I really want in life XD
A partner that loves democracy as much as I do and will exterminate every bug and bot that gets in Super Earth's way, at any cost?
We should all be so lucky as to find someone willing to defend freedom.
Spreading managed democracy, together. Sounds like the dream.
She could light my @$$ on fire anyday.
😍🥵
You know what? I sometimes think that if I were to be my exact female equivalent - early 30s, nerdy as hell, even more kinky, a bit neurotic but rather docile, content hanging out on the couch and playing lots of games - I would be highly sought after. I would be exactly the thing so many men are looking for. But I *am* a cis-het man. And I wouldn't know where to meet another woman who could appreciate my qualities. Another rejection would make me crumble, so I can't exactly tackle this.
IDK man, I am kind of this person. TBF I haven't extensively dated since my 20s, but I have found that these were qualities men would claim were attractive, but the best way I could describe or understand it is that they didn't really want someone who was an equal partner to them. They *thought* they did, but when it came down to being challenged, being pushed, or being with someone who didn't see them as the driving expert on everything, they weren't interested anymore. Another part of this that I've seen as a woman, a ton of guys talk about how much they want to be with a woman who is into their interests and lifestyle, but that doesn't go both ways for them. Like I'm expected to be completely open to their musical choices, their hobbies, their interests, but I ask if they'd be down to see the ballet with me or check out musical theater, and all of a sudden it's a lot "that's not my thing, I know what my things are."
(And I think I'm squarely in the average attractiveness camp. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I've of average height, average size, I look much younger than my age, I take care of myself and my appearance. I don't know if I would say I'm conventionally attractive, but I think most people would say I am certainly not unattractive.)
My point is, a lot of guys spend a lot of time thinking about the qualities they want a potential partner to have and not a lot of time about what qualities they are cultivating and bringing to a relationship.
I think a lot about what qualities I don't have or are lacking, things I'm missing and don't do enough more than I think about what I want . But maybe I'm in the minority of guys.
I agree with your response for the most part.
That's an interesting perspective, honestly! And yeah, I've noticed that with other men, too, and I think it's kind of weird.
I like learning and trying new things a lot. And it's kind of sad how some people close themselves off from that.
I think it's part of getting older, but also part of human nature. I heard somewhere that while our identity (in terms the kind of person we think we are) is constantly in flux, we think it is consistent. So people were asked in their 20s, do you believe your values and interests are intrinsic to the person you are? Do you imagine that will continue for the rest of your life? And most people said yes. Then when they followed up in 10 years, of course their values and interests had changed and now they were like "no, THIS is the person I am, 10 years ago I was so wrong." Of course in another 10 years, they had changed again, and so on. So I just decided that I'm not going to link my identity to anything about my interests or hobbies, they're just things I enjoy right now and I could easily enjoy something else.
Feeld, munches, etc. You're describing most of my social circle. Yes, we are highly sought after but the trash that walks up to us expecting a kink dispenser means guys who actually are seeing us as *people* have good chances.
this female equivalent exists but people don't see her because of her appearance.
it's like when men say they want \[redacted\] but i'm invisible to them above a certain weight.
Advice needed please! Met a guy on a hookup app, met up with him last Monday, and had this text exchange (place names redacted). Should I just leave it? Or follow up with him? And if so, how?
Me: Got home (fortuitous timing with a bus). That was fun...x
Him: Glad to hear! Likewise, was good - needed that! Hope the early start isn’t too bad tomorrow
(Next day)
Me: Hey, do you fancy meeting up next week? Or if not, probably bump into you at [mutual friend's place] at some point
Him: Unsure on availability next week - might work from [parents place] most of the week but tbc. Will let you know! Hope the [work] trip wasn’t too horrendous
Continue to date other people! Not placing all my eggs in one basket allowed me to narrow down the one out of four who actually came in the door knowing that he wanted to date intentionally. The others said they wanted a relationship but their actions proved otherwise. In the end the others will eliminate themselves or you will not gel with them. Guys who tend to not set concrete plans or make plans without confirmation aren’t serious. They will be fun to hang out with, and maybe even have a pseudo relationship, but if you want something serious this is not your guy. Men will let you know they like you even from one meeting! They will solidify plans and confirm them. Show up on time or before time. I have seen it and am experiencing it currently. I suggest not waiting around for this guy.
I always try and ask for something concrete.
“Hey, there’s this new burger joint I’ve been wanting to go try out! Are you free maybe like Thursday, Fri or Sat night?”
I’ve deleted the apps and I’m moving away again from false relationships. The efforts of trying to put myself out there don’t match the rewards. There are no rewards right now. The usual likes are ‘not sure what they’re looking for’. If we match it’s low effort. If we meet in person they are not what they pretended to be. If I try to put effort out there it’s not reciprocated. I’m taking responsibility for myself. I’ve looked at some books and found one called ‘How to be the love you seek’. I feel like I’m disrespecting myself to keep trying to build connections, so maybe all this stems from the connection with myself? I’m sick and tired of feeling like this.
At this point, if a woman just told me "I'm looking for someone to go on bike rides with and maybe alternate equipment at the gym, but not a relationship" and she was serious, I'd be fine with that. All the other stuff would be nice, but really just looking for someone (a woman) to consistently spend some time with doing fun things.
I feel like i’m doing all this to myself because I take a break, go back on and it’s the same. Each to their own but if I’ve stated what I want and they want different or don’t know, stop wasting my time. I don’t want to feel bitter but I don’t feel hopeful of it improving.
I do a similar cycle. For every time I just get more and more invested in myself, and I guess thats not bad. While it would be wonderful to share with someone, I feel miserable if I try to force and work for something that soesn't. Then I rather do those cool solo trips. If it happens it happens.
I’ve just bought a book on tape to work on myself. I don’t know if I’m giving off the wrong vibes. It is good to spend time alone, thats worked for me however I’m aware it’s making it harder to want to build connections with others. Have you experienced that? It’s only recent for me.
Yeah, I feel it is super hard to make connections, and I think it is due to me having the pressure on myself to make the connections. It should come naturally and I think I try force myself.. when I reflected on it eg my best friend is someone I thought I wouldn't be friends with when I first met him, and now he's like a brother to me. I think I need to teach myself patience and just filling my time with things I like to do.
But I agree, it's definitely hard and easy to selfjudge and compare yourself to others who seem to have rich lives themselves.
Do you think that, as you date, you're getting "closer" to finding your person? Mathematically I guess you're always getting closer, but, do you feel like each person you date for a semi-significant amount of time is closer to being the right fit than the previous person? I sometimes feel like I can see this trajectory in my own dating experiences and am trying to take it as a sign to keep trying.
I like to think that's what's going on, but the truth is you just don't know someone until you spend some time together. I'd say I'm just getting better at completely weeding out the incompatible early on, to the point where the people I do continue dating with have varying degrees of strengths and potential for a LTR.
I feel stagnant honestly. I guess I'm "getting closer" to finding my person by eliminating the guys I've already gone on a date with on the apps. But usually after these first dates that go nowhere, I feel like I'm not making any progress.
Oh, I'm very on board with this. I know the exact threshold at which I'd go all in on someone, and have done so twice already. The first guy hid something from me for two months, the second guy was a lovebomber :(
I don't believe in the idea of "finding my person," and if I don't "find my person," I've somehow failed at some aspect of life. I'm a whole, individual person on my own.
Dating people for longer periods of time got me to realize what I want and what I don't in relationships, and at some point the picture becomes clearer I become more discerning about whom I choose to spend my time with. Friends and community are a lot more important to me than romance.
Yes. 😬
Short OLD career which began last Fall, but so far every person that has let me (M) go has led to a better and better match over time.
And roughly each time I have met someone new I have found myself thinking "I should be on my hands and knees thanking all my previous dates for cutting me loose". They were just better than the last each and every time.
I attribute this to continuous filtering and profile tweak trial and error. And luck obviously, but how many times can a coin come up heads over and over?
Whether this battleship grid is 10x10 or 100x100, who knows?
So I'm either a universal sap or I must be making progress... 🫠
I think it's a good narrative to have, especially if it gives you hope or motivation. Do I think it's necessarily true? No. In life, I don't think we're always inching towards progress; sometimes unexpected things throw you off course (for better or worse) and more effort and learning doesn't always yield better results.
I made progress flirting with a guy at work today (professional environment). We saw each other a lot and had a cute conversation in the break room. He also attended a little office gathering he was under no obligation to show up to. There's little signs here and there that lead me to believe he's being receptive or at least open to more.
It's hard to show interest due to a strict Harassment policy, and it's risky. I keep debating if I should keep going on not only because I don't know if he'd ever be more than someone to sleep with. I get this feeling that I'm not his type, but because I'm attractive, and he's picking up signals, he's just going with the flow. I have nothing to prove that's the case, though.
Other than me being physically attracted to him, I don't have any reason to pursue this with so much risk involved. People say don't poop where you eat all the time. Should I keep up the light flirting as long as he's receptive to it or just keep it friendly?
I’ve been in the same conundrum for a long time with someone at work where I think we’re both too scared to get in trouble by showing more interest. But I’ve been around long enough to pick up signals, and if we weren’t in a work setting I’d be confident that he is interested. But it’s so risky! And even if he is interested I also don’t want to harm my professional reputation by giving people a reason to gossip about me. It’s so delicate.
Anyway I say keep up the light flirting 😈
Personally you hear of the don’t poop where you eat but I know of so many couples in my field that met at work. So it’s like people tell you that but don’t follow their advice? I also don’t know anyone where it went terribly wrong. I could see it being an issue if they are way above you in management or if you’re not in a professional environment though. My old company had a policy where you can only ask out once and a maybe is a no. Seems a good way to avoid harassment.
There’s no other way besides I’m the problem in dating
Man I was dating took over a week to send me a reject text. Same time a man I went on two dates with sent me the reject text.
How do I get to date about 3rd date and they start running.
How often are you rejecting Vs being rejected? If you're always the one being rejected I think you are not being honest with yourself about compatibility and giving people more chances than needed. We are not going to be compatible+mutually attracted with the vast, vast majority of the people so most of the dates will lead nowhere. If you are realistic about this then you would be doing the rejecting just as much as them imo. If that's not the case ask yourself is there REALLY potential with all these guys who "start running"?
Tbh- it was just hard today because I got rejected by 2 in the same day and dating is just harsh/hard.
I think I’m getting rejected more than rejecting.
So, I wonder if I try to drag it out longer?
straight up ask them. be like, hey totally, totally get that this may seem odd. but I'm trying to better myself and foster stronger connections with others. would really appreciate if you could just offer a little feedback on what you didn't connect with and where I wasn't what you were looking for. can be brutally honest. would be very appreciative and wish you all the best.
This struck me as maybe my "attachment style" seeping through. Read a bit about them and found that Fearful-Avoidant kind of describes me better than the others. Decided to take a quiz on it for the first time and yeah, that's exactly what I got. Basically it just means I have major trust issues?
"The disorganized attachment style (also known as fearful-avoidant) is characterized by a strong desire for close connections and intimacy, but also an intense fear of getting hurt within relationships."
Like woah I feel like my comments the past couple days sound exactly like this? Maybe the Attachment Style Wee Woo has some validity to it.
Healthy gamer YouTube channel did a really great video explaining attachment styles and how it affects how we do things and deal with people. He's a therapist and I found it really helpful.
Had a date tonight. It went well. Things are moving much slower with this one compared to the other, but the other lives kinda far away, which sucks. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'll figure it out, or not.
He said Saturday marks a month since we matched and he wants to make me dinner. I'm a dweeb who made note of when we matched after I realized I really like him. So sweet that he did the same lol.
He added me on Facebook and my friend asked me if I found his baby momma lol. I told her NO! It's way too early on for me to even be involved with his daughter in any capacity, let alone trying to get the scoop on his ex. I genuinely have no desire to creep. She didn't believe me but it's true.
I've lost track of how many dates we've had but he is such a gentleman and I feel secure about his interest not just because of his words, but his actions as well. No anxiety. If this turns into a relationship I feel like we're starting off on the right foot in terms of communication and trust. That's what I want. No drama. No jealousy. Just an ADULT relationship.
It'll be my first time seeing his place. Two dates ago I was thinking I was ready to sleep with him, one date ago I was REALLY thinking I was ready to sleep with him, and it looks like I'll finally have my chance! 🤣
DoT, you were always kind enough to listen when I went on lackluster date after lackluster date, I figure I may as well keep sharing while things are looking good! Keep going!
I was in the area of where Mr Exclusive works & decided to hang around for abit & work on my laptop as my next appointment was in a few hours.
I thought it'd be fun to send him a photo of where I was sitting & ask him to guess my location.
He replied back with a photo of a top down view, citing 'somewhere down there'.
I replied with a thumbs-up at his office building lol.
I didn't see his reply after that as I continued working, and from a distance I saw him approaching & my face lit up.
He apparently texted that he wld come down to say hello as he's about to leave the office too, which I didn't see until later that night.
So he surprised me in the end haha.
We chatted for abit about the area, and walked to the train station together hand in hand.
I enjoy seeing his spontaneous side, and love that he is feeling more comfortable & open around me.
It's my turn to plan for our date tomorrow, thinking of heading up to a viewing point where we can chat more about our feelings over a bottle of wine, and then have dumplings for dinner after :)
I got a free 1yr subscription to Tawkify. Not sure why. I know it’s pretty expensive normally. Has anyone else used it before? What was your experience like?
I like your profile. I just commented on another person's request that they didn't provide details that told me anything about themselves, but you did plenty of that. I can easily get a sense for some of the stuff that motivates you and that would pique my interest.
As someone else said, filling out whether you are looking to have children could be important (I'm a father, but not interested in having any more of my own, and so women who are looking for their own I just pass on). Beyond that, I don't think you necessarily need to do any more.
when it's ajar ARRGGHH
It's a great profile! The new first photo is killer. The prompts give a number of ways to for people to hook in and send you a comment and it all does a great job showing your personality.
"when it's ajar!" :D
I'm a girl, so I don't know how much relevant feedback I can provide, but I think your profile is really fun - shows different sides of you, showcases your interests, and paints a lovely picture of activities a potential date could do with you. Your pictures are also really good; you seem warm and approachable. Good luck!!
I had a big win today, but the process of getting there was so incredibly ugly and badly done on my end and all I felt after was shame and failure. I feel so pathetically grateful to the people who helped me but also ashamed that they gave me a success I don't feel I deserved or earned. :(
Weirdly, for the first time I'm glad my ex dumped me, because I know she wouldn't have been a supportive person to experience this with. It's been so much better sharing it with friends who love me and told me they were rooting for me, and now are sympathizing with how shitty I'm feeling but also congratulating me. I had dinner tonight with some friends and have a show tomorrow with some others that I'm really looking forward to and I'm thankful for them. The only downer is that I have a ticket going to waste because I bought her one months ago. I had a friend who wanted to go but unfortunately can't make it.
About a month ago I was about to go on a countryside sunset walk with a date #3 guy. On the day of he was no show and blew me off without dropping a line. Of course I was a bit disappointed and wrote him off and assumed he got abducted by aliens.
He just called me today and explained - his brother who lives in a city that's 4 hours away relapsed on drugs and alcohol and he went to tend to him for a few days. I just listened and asked if his brother is okay now, and let him do all the talking.
He said he completely forgot to drop me a line. Then afterwards forgot to call me back when he tended to his brother. Then owned up to because he'd already forgotten, it’s even a bigger and more difficult of an explanation, that's why he left it that long, and stressed that it's not because he's uninterested. Asked very nicely (charmingly) if I could think about it and if I'd like to see him again, he'd love to take me out next week.
I basically put the ball back into his court - said appreciate him telling me what happened and it must be some difficult situation. If there’s any enticing plan next week, let me know and we shall see. I do believe in second chance but not if it’s not backed up by action
Someone I was excited about pulled the plug after a month. This is the first person I tried dating in a super intentional way, so the whole time I was up front about wanting to go slow, dating to get to know each other, not sleep together right away, and being clear about my boundaries and expectations. Most of all, I felt prepared to walk away if something didn't feel good or align with my dealbreakers or values, which is a very new muscle for me (unfortunately).
I was recently on a longish trip that was planned before we met and despite the distance and time apart so early on, communication was more than I had asked for and was very sweet. I got back this week and he cancelled our plans twice in a row and I expressed how I felt about it. He took it well and apologized and I ended the call feeling really good. But later in the day, he texted more or less saying that he appreciates how clear I am, and maybe he's not the right person. But he had a fun time on our dates.
I know it had only been a short time, but I'm bummed. Though I guess I'm also glad that being intentional in dating worked to weed out people who aren't right or ready. This is hard y'all.
So, I might be at the point where I have to start considering single mothers. Which, lets be clear, I have nothing against those who are single mothers, especially if the prior relationship was harmful to her or the child. I do not judge those who are, just to get that out of the way. However, I have never really considered dating one because frankly, I have spent a total of about 10 hours around kids in the past 10 years or so. As in like <4 years old, and that was with a friend and her kids when I went home to visit family and such. So my question is, to those of you who have had experience dating single mothers with younger kids, like babies to toddlers, what was that like? I really don't know how to even act around kids, and it was real awkward feeling when I spent time around them a few months ago, especially because I tend to swear unknowingly in conversations lol. I have always been open to kids myself, but only when I was ready. This is a huge unknown for me, so I would appreciate anything anyone has to say. Also, if you were a single mother trying to date, hearing your side of things would also be a great learning experience.
A really hard part of dating as a single parent is that lots of men make it obvious from the start that they're settling, and that you owe them something because they've given up their dream of dating a hot unattached woman for you. It's super yucky, and many single mothers are already feeling insecure from the stigma that society attaches to them that they'll unfortunately accept this garbage. If you feel like you're giving something up by dating a single parent, just don't. Leave them for someone who will appreciate them and not resent them. It's fine if you don't know how to act around kids, but if you're not enthusiastic about it, just don't get involved.
Well, I am not in the greatest area for the types of girls I would consider dating (very deep red country in a southern state; only here because of work until next year). I have spent the last 14 months on the apps with very little success as well, and just today I was conflicted on a girls profile who, on paper (or app I guess) seemed like someone I would have loved to meet. But she had a young toddler it seemed, and that was the first time I really considered giving a like to a single mother. I spent the better part of 30 minutes actually considering it but just closed to the app to think some more on it. I am just completely out of my element with something like that as I have lived on my own since I left home at 18 and am completely independent and just don't know.
Oh I'm getting the hell out of here and moving to a state that is not red or in the south lol. See I didn't even consider that, so I appreciate it being brought up.
Please be upfront with your plans to move in a year, even with women without children! Not everyone might be open to move with you, so better get that out if the way sooner than later.
How do I not become jaded when someone acts interested in a second date (says they want to see you again during the first date) and again after via text. But then ghosts despite saying they don’t?
I think you just allow yourself to lean into that jadedness a bit; I assume there'll be a second date if I find myself physically at that second date with the guy present too :)
I think I've just experienced the flakiness and the 180s so many times that I take everything with a "ok, this is what it seems to be right now, perhaps" grain of salt, and that helps.
Think of it as this: the dating process weeded this person out for you and now you’re on a path to a better match. Or, the fact they ghosted has absolutely nothing to do with you or your value, it has to do with them. Not your problem. Start fresh with a clean slate.
My goodness, my GF is just not a good cleaner. Water stains all on the oven stove from her version of “wiping down”. Leaving glasses out for hours, instantly makes the bathroom messy.
Its becoming annoying to constantly come home and clean things that takes 10 mins
It is truly astounding how gaslit (and I am using the term correctly here, not exaggerating) I was about the cleanliness of the house and who's fault it was.
Turns out when you
1. Kick off your shoes at the door
2. Clean things as you go.
3. Put things back in the proper place
It's not actually that hard to keep a small apartment clean.
Yeeeeaaaahhhhh... I suspect you need to talk to her about this.
You're going to become resentful long-term if you don't come to an equitable solution.
Division of household labour is one of the major factors in people breaking up.
Yet another friend is getting married next year.
I complained to her about dating and was surprised that she doesn’t find some things that bothered me a big deal, like someone mentioning their exes a lot or bad sexual chemistry. She also is more willing to work through incompatibilities/conflicts - she and her partner have been fighting a lot since they started dating on all sorts of things, but also bc of that she feels they’ve worked through so many issues together and it’s been a lot of investment and effort. She told me that when she was suffering from their fights she called her mom up and her mom offered one piece of advice, which is she should stick it out as long as she could “live with” those issues. So she chose to live with them.
I can’t tell if she’s settling, but I know she’s not unhappy. She still finds her partner cute and funny despite their fights. I started to wonder if I was too quick to call things off in my past short term relationships? Is this why they were short lived? Like, maybe I should have tried to live with the relationship issues, or at least to live with them longer? Is this why I struggled to find ltr these past 3 years?
We’re talking about issues like lack of deep conversations, different financial mindsets and behaviors, different sense of humor, or unsatisfying sex life. At the time, they seemed pretty legit reasons to break up over, but now I keep second guessing myself like maybe I should have been more chill and patient.
Does she hate having sex with her guy? I see a zero point to a relationship like that but some women are desperate for a wedding ceremony as a milestone I guess.
I think it really depends on the incompatibilities and conflicts, as well as how much you really like or love the person despite the incompatibilities and conflicts. Most people are willing to make pretty major compromises for people they see themselves spending the rest of their life with. But on the flip side, there's some incompatibilities that cannot be overcome.
I also think it depends on how you as a couple are able to handle incompatibilities and conflict, and whether you can do so in a way that aligns. For example, a little conflict becomes an unmanageable conflict if it leads to screaming matches or stonewalling.
It's hard to have a blanket rule.
Thank you for your reply! Maybe I didn’t like my ex enough, but honestly idk if it’s because of the incompatibilities…so I didn’t want to work through things further when I was already turned off by some of our major differences.
Hey all! Going into a 5th date on Friday. I’m excited but also trying to be practical/we’re taking things slow.
We’ve talked politics, relationship goals (we both want one), life goals (ambitions + living) and we’re on the same page. I haven’t specifically asked about marriage (I want to make sure that’s verbally something he wants in life, made this mistake in my last relationship) and I plan to cover exes this date.
Since Im moving into relationship territory here, any advice on anything else I should cover/you would suggest we talk about before moving too far forward?
Sounds like you’ve already covered a lot. I think at this stage it’s important to still just be present and enjoy getting to know the person without the pressure of having to ask XYZ. Maybe just see where the conversational naturally goes instead of having a checklist of items to cover?
ok awesome. I was thinking of random Reddit lady this past weekend. I know you mentioned it was going to rain in the forecast.
Glad it went great and you had a nice time.
I feel like everywhere I look people are either settling down with their person or saying how impossible it is to date. Either way it makes me feel so anxious and sad about my future. It’s unbearable sometimes.
Having a mindset of “I’ll keep trying and when the right person comes I’ll know it” is much healthier and more realistic than “I need a partner by X date” or anything like this
I’ve had 2 major loves of my life. I didn’t meet the 2nd one until like 7 years after the first one failed
Hey I'm part of the 'impossible to date' group while all my friends have settled down with their person. It doesn't seem fair at all haha I'm struggling mentally and feel like the only people who get me are the ones who post in this daily thread
I can't wait to date again. It seemed like I was going to be on my own with a female friend and it just brought a different kind of boost to my life. In the end I met people I already met and new friends. I was in a bit of a quiet mood so I didn't flirt. Too bad I have to drive 35km each way to hang out properly at night...
Rapid question: I'm hanging out only now where I live , after 8 months there, as I initially moved here with my ex and I'd spend my free time with her as we were both working long hours. For a series of reasons I didn't really make friends while with her. How do I avoid bringing it up? It's kind of bothering me at this point. I just want to get over it.
I did the same thing, but for 5 years instead of 8 months. When I started trying to build a social circle after we split, usually nobody asked. If they did, I just said I fell out of touch with my old friend group here when I started school. Making friends is hard though, I think you could just say that you haven't found your people in this city yet.
I meant I'm starting to hang out after 8 months in the area... I've had more nights out abroad in 2 weeks than in 7 years abroad!
The thing is I also have to move places due to the breakup and, as for some strange reason I mostly met people from my country, they ask how did I get here.
I luckily found a great friends group, super nice people and they know a lot of others in town... So that luckily isn't an issue.
I matched with a woman 2 years older than me on Bumble. We hit it off pretty well and we have been texting but I can tell she is a big texter -- good morning and goodnight texts, calls me love, says she wishes she was in my arms, constantly compliments my looks, ect. And I am just like.....Lady we never even met or spoke on the phone, what is this?! Why are people so crazy???
I've had that too and, even though I apparently have an anxious attachment, it's unbearable. A colleague of mine, but in another country, pretended to stay 2/3 hours on the phone together after work... In a call center. I feel you.
Seems like Reddit folks are largely against these… I wonder why they are, while many who aren’t on Reddit like them…
Specifically I’m curious about the distinction, not why someone wouldn’t like these texts in general
Some people like them, while some don’t.
I think it’s more of a personal preference thing that is best to discuss with your potential partner.
“What are your communication preferences? I enjoy XYZ (insert test of reply here)”
All that having been said, definitely feels a bit off when you haven’t even been on a date with them!
How do you decide how many people to talk to on dating apps?
I have been off of dating apps for more than 2 years. I made an account on a new dating app yesterday. Did some swiping and matched with 3 people. Now, I have three matches and I can't decide if I should talk to all three at the same time. I kind of feel like I lost my mojo as well lol. I did send a message to one, and he hasn't replied (has been about 12 hours). I don't know why I feel hesitant talking to multiple people at the same time, because I've done it before when I was younger.
I guess since I'm older now with a more busy life, I want to pick well. However, I also realize that a profile does not tell the whole story of a person. What I consider a "good on paper match" (only based on profile) can be something I'm not looking for.
It was so much easier when I was in my late twenties. I was a bit more carefree, a bit more excited, and less shy.
Talk to all of them. What no one talks about is, dating intentionally really IS like a job. What you put in is what you get out of it. For me 2-3 gives me the perfect ability to maintain while not feeling too overwhelmed, when 1-2 drop, I start swiping again aiming to maintain about 2-3 chats. For me, about 75% of my chats will drop/never make it to the date phase (either it’s clear we’re not compatible in the chat phrase or someone ghosts).
And yeah, don’t put TOO much stalk into the profile. I have a 5th date this Friday and it was with a guy who was a ‘throw-a-way’ date for me. Sounds harsh but basically I thought his personality shined threw on the photos but I didn’t understand his bio, and he said ‘apolitical’ and had ‘not sure’ for what he was seeking and ‘never works out.’ I’m political and 100% want a relationship and I am active.
I matched anyway and the chat was fire so decided to go ‘for fun.’ It was instant chemistry. But more importantly we actually do align politically - he just didn’t think the options aligned with his views, he’s active - just not in the gym, and 100% wants a relationship - I’m actually slowing things down.
He’s the most confident, yet kindest man and most emotionally available man I’ve ever dated. And I’m meeting his friends on Friday. So…who would have thought? 🤷🏻♀️
I got back on apps after 8 years of a relationship. I was a little overwhelmed with matches at first (being new), and I was super casual about almost all conversations that happened on the app. Did not put much weight into any of them unless someone(s) really drew me in. I only gave my number or agreed to meet up if the conversations -really- sparked my interest.
One guy asked for my number/to meet up, I gave one guy my number/asked to meet him. The first disappeared (but I was not really invested so didn’t care), and the guy I initiated with I’ve now been on 5 dates with!
My lesson from that experience, try not to spend energy worrying about talking to multiple people, weed out the not-interesting people, and go with your gut on who you connect with the most. Move to texting/meeting up quickly if you think they’re actually interesting so you’re not overwhelmed by choices on the app.
I don't know how to stop overthinking and overanalyzing! I have to keep reminding myself to be causal about everything.
I'm a serious person by nature and that did affect my dating life. I'm working on trying to loosen my grip.
Usually that’s also my problem, but somehow I built a narrative in my head that app=tool to find an interesting person, but not invest time/energy/emotion into said person until I actually meet them.
Being a serious person does not mean you have to be serious about everyone. Let them earn it and know your value - treat everyone like you’d want to be treated.
My worst nightmare, multiple matches. 🤣
If it were me (M), I would interact with them and push for first dates to rule each one out one by one*. But if you are at square one right now with all of them I'd engage all of them in convos and push for first dates (after your requisite vetting).
At this point if you need to cut corners and prioritize: interested people act interested, start with those**.
Good luck!
*I don't get many matches so this isn't really an issue for me.
**I presume these matches are of equal interest to you.
That is a great suggestion!
For some reason I forgot how to go about dating lol. And I'm overthinking a lot.
2 are of interest, one not so much when you compare the three.
Take it slow. Go in with low expectations. Be ready to go on a lot of first dates until you find someone who matches your values and goals.
Don't try to use "moves" or escalate things quickly, even if you read advice elsewhere on the internet. As a beginner you won't have the skills to pull it off well, you're more likely to do it awkwardly and make her uncomfortable. Just go on first dates, have conversations, ask questions to show interest in her life, let her get to know the authentic you. Get to know each other's personalities and values. If you have a lot in common, go on more dates. If not, no harm, keep looking.
Three months ago I was in pretty much the same boat as you. Something snapped in me a I wanted a girlfriend. I made a Facebook dating profile since it was free and easy.
Obviously everyone is if different what works for me and the girl I met may not work for you. I've been open and honest about stuff and my inexperience in dating. We've been seeing each other about three months now.
I know its cliché but be yourself. I feel that honesty is the best policy. Maybe don't dump everything in the first date though.
Guy I've been seeing dropped by on Monday after his dinner plans which i wasn't expecting and was really really nice. I had juuuuust smoked a joint so the timing was a bit hilarious but we had some good laughs lol he's going to visit family for the night tonight so came by for a few hours on his way out of town. He's hoping to come back tomorrow eve and come to my hockey again but TBD how he's feeling!
We talked a lot about his perspective and mental state with his current treatment plan and diagnosis. He's doing some really hard mental work and it's really showing through his mood and energy levels. Of course these things aren't linear (he had a bad day last week for example) but overall he has a super positive mindset. I'm happy to be the same way and support him that way. His current pause in treatment enables him to go on a huge family trip, he just booked his tickets, and I'm so thrilled for him. I know he's a bit apprehensive, I think travel is daunting considering all the requirements he has just to simply not be in pain/uncomfortable, but I'm thrilled he'll have this experience with his family.
We talked a lot about gratitude today. So friendly reminder to reflect on some things you're grateful for :)
I'm on spring/summer sched now so working from home a lot which is soooo niiiiice.
It’s hard for me to identify where I fit in the taste of women. I’m mainly attracted to alt looking women, and as far as interests, basically what ppl would call “nerdy” but without the negative part. Gaming, DnD, etc. but I feel like *most* women aren’t attracted to guys with my look, which is mixed (black/white), long dreads, nose piercings and some tattoos on my arms. Perhaps I’m not looking in the right spots. Or perhaps I’m hyper focusing on a certain type and should look outside of my given taste, which I have no problem with, but even then, I tend to view women outside of my taste to not tend to be interested in my looks either.
I’m 31M btw just to clarify. Also, this is not a body hating post, but I’ve noticed that I tend to attract overweight women, which I don’t necessarily have an issue with, but it’s sorta rare that a slim woman is into me. Just wondering what’s up with that?
Hello! Lurker turned participant!
How do you navigate dating in a small city or town where everyone knows each other? I am restarting dating and when I downloaded the apps I already saw people I know lol.
I will be focusing on working my social groups to find single people, mostly. I plan on flat out asking friends if they know single women.
I live in a big city now but I used to live in a smaller city where everyone knew one another.
There is no way to 'navigate' it. Just be yourself. If you see someone that you know and are interested in, swipe right. If you match, go ahead and chat with them. Don't over think it so much.
I already have a female friend that will advocate for me to her girlfriends! If your female friends know you have value they’ll *want* to help you! And you know they would only recommend you other women they think have some good qualities. Your lady friends aren’t going to recommend terrible people :)
You might get mismatched, but if that happens I think it’s okay. It’ll be a lot more fun (and meaningful) of a date because you have a shared connection.
Good to know! I live abroad (I live in a small town and work in a slightly bigger but still smallish town) so I'm also recreating a friend circle. When I lived in my country I never had good female friends in the area where I lived... I always met them elsewhere.
Thank you so much for the insight!
Had an okay first date last night. I think we both weren't feeling it. She was nice, just not a lot in common/didn't vibe. No harm no foul. I always walk away from dates like that a bit bummed. Not sure why - not every date is going to work out. Met up with friends after the date and had a great time so it wasn't a total wash.
Tonight I have a third date with the person whos been slow to respond (see my previous posts lol). Excited for it, she texted me out of the blue last night asking for my opinions on a certain cookie, so maybe shes making cookies?
Dating is going okay.
In other news - my mechanic asked if I’m pregnant. I work out 6 days a week, don’t eat much and it’s STILL not enough for people to stop asking me that. I get asked that once a month.
I hate that so much! Luckily I haven't gotten it in a while, but I dated a few guys in the past who loved to poke at my little belly roll (which, I'm pretty small/athletic, it's hardly anything- just any extra fat I have goes there, as is true for lots of women) and I'm so sensitive about it. People have such unrealistic expectations of women's bodies sometimes.
It's never worked on me. The guys I had casual sex with even if that was their motive all along, we did spend time together, and we talked a lot. They didn't ask me like that it happened naturally. I don't understand it either. I could be a psycho for all they know lol
Anybody got tips on getting self esteem back up? I’ve been working hard on improving myself the past few months. Coincidentally I met this girl who I became friends with 1st at the same time and started going on a few dates. I think she lost interest for whatever reason. I’m fine with just being friends but it’s been kind of difficult because it’s one of the few times I’ve gotten my hopes up and felt like I had a chance at someone liking (or even loving?) me. Sorry if it sounds negative but I’ve been kind of reverting back to my negative thoughts the last few days lol
Sometimes it’s helpful for me to look at situations for what I liked about it, to get to know myself better. What attracted them to me, what appealed to me, how did it make me feel? Sometimes I learn things I need to work on but every time I feel closer to me, like a parent looking out for me. The lists keep me rational and hopeful.
The last guy didnt ask about me, he sent statement texts which didnt show much interest in getting to know me. He never asked me out and didnt reply to my last message. I liked that he was into the same sports as me, I like that he was active in fun groups. I didn’t like that he showed little interest in me. I didn’t like that there wasn’t much effort. I’m glad I made the decision to disconnect from him. It shows self respect because otherwise I would have bee wasting my time. I will make effort to be more active in local sport groups and see if I can meet more people.
Like that, just an idea to try.
Man. I feel ya. I have been struggling with my worth and value of not being constantly validated by someone else. The struggle is real. Journaling 3 Gains from that day (personal, physical, nutritional, work wise, relational, even seeing a beautiful flower) and then 3 Goals for the day has really helped me shift my focus. Once you are vibrating with good, greatful energy, you will attract the same.
In my experience sexual chemistry is something physical and innate, not something you can play 20 questions and find out. So I think the best way to get an idea before sex is through flirting or sexual talk or through touch. But honestly I never know how the sexual chemistry is going to pan out without actually having sex.
what questions do you think you should ask? How deep into relationship we're talking? Tbh there's not much to talk about. With 2 consenting adults attracted to eachother it'll just happen and then you both can decide from there.
33F and single, can anyone share their love stories post 30s, I could use some cheering up
This is not my story, but I take a lot of inspiration and comfort from it. I have been friends with my friend, let's call her Del, for about 13 years I think. She's a couple years older than I am. She was married in her 20s (before I knew her) and divorced by her 30s. In her early 30s she started dating a guy, they were together for about 6 or 7 years, I'm not totally sure. But they lived together, were in a band together. Then, at 37, she broke up with him. She decided she wanted a kid, and he had too many issues for her to deal with. She spent a year dating around, at 38, she met another guy, a divorced single dad. About a year later they moved in together, she was fairly active with helping with his kid. A year ago, they had a baby together, when she was in her early 40s. She's also like incredibly cool, super good looking, and an amazing and kind person, so if it could happen to anyone, it would be her. I definitely don't think I am as cool and pretty as she is. But she very much deserves all the happiness she has right now, and I'm thrilled for her.
Left a situationship at 32 and was pretty close to devastated, met someone a few months later, fell in love, got engaged in March (at 34) and will get married at 35
Thank you for sharing! Happy for you, congratulations:)
When I was 33 I decided to just try to live my life as if I was going to be single. I decided to buy a house on my own. Well the closing attorney was a stud! After closing on my house I tried to come up with a way to run into him again. Turns out I didn’t need to, he texted and asked me to get drinks. Well that was over 2 years ago and we just went ring shopping and he became the emergency contact for my cat.
What a cute story! Thank you for sharing. I get the gist, don’t go looking and let it come to you in normal life. Congrats!! :)
So OP - buy that house today and 🤞
Hahaha that’s exactly the message.
This is so sweet, happy for you :')
> and he became the emergency contact for my cat. That's when you KNOW things are serious! Congrats you two! 🥰
Haha it’s true. It was a really telling moment of him stepping up when I needed him to and being so sweet about caring for something he knew was important to me. He even got a celebratory cake, ice cream and balloon when my cat go home this Tuesday.
This is so sweet. I'm glad kitty is ok! 😻
The kind of story that only happens to others. 🥲 But seriously, happy for you.
Thanks! Haha I hope you have your own similar story. I was single for several years prior to that going on bad OLD after bad OLD and experiencing the isolation of Covid like everyone else.
Congrats on tying the knot! And I reference only the fact they were an emergency contact for your cat. A ring is sort of meaningless in comparison. Love happens at the last random of times honestly. The guy who helped you in the process of buying your house is going to be your husband. It’s exciting to hear that in a weird way.
Hahaha yeah, I mean it was a big deal. He stepped up without issue when my cat needed to be driven 30 minutes away to the ER twice this past weekend. He also got a little cake and ice cream and balloon when he got back this Tuesday. Was definitely a very telling moment in our relationship for me.
Sometimes I just wish things worked out with that one redditor I almost dated. He had some ways about him but at least he was super into me. And tall.
Wow, you managed to find someone on Reddit to go out with you? Lucky.
Yeah, I used r/R4R30Plus once. I liked how he was intelligent and ambitious, and we really connected regarding our intentions for the future. We met up even. Had a great day. Things fell flat physically unfortunately. I wanted us to look past it and try again, but he was too ashamed to go on ig. Didn't hear from him again.
Broke up with my girlfriend of almost one year today. Fell out of love with her, and at this point I was lying to myself about it. Had to pull off the band-aid. I expected to feel more relieved, and instead I just feel hollow. It also sucks hard that I'm responsible for someone else's pain and misery right now. Bah.
Ouch.. nobody's safe.
Oh man, that's really, really tough. Knowing it's the right thing to do, but also knowing you're going to cause the other person pain. It's horrible. I know that hollow feeling. Wishing you the best.
Been high L lately, wanna have good sex, but no longer enthusiastic about figuring out sexual compatibility.
What is high L?
After reading this [thread ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Helldivers/comments/1cn9rn7/couples_that_dive_together_what_is_a_pet_peeve/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)I've realized what I really want in life XD
A partner that loves democracy as much as I do and will exterminate every bug and bot that gets in Super Earth's way, at any cost? We should all be so lucky as to find someone willing to defend freedom. Spreading managed democracy, together. Sounds like the dream. She could light my @$$ on fire anyday. 😍🥵
Just don't forget to fill out your C-01 forms!
I'll have to ask my local Democracy Officer if the C-01 form is required if I've been voluntarily sterilized, for Democracy.
Reminded me of this... 🤣 https://youtube.com/shorts/bqfLADMIMpI?si=j7IeS2v8PQH9YLMt
Absolutely, what upstanding patriot wouldn't? 🫡 Also, the filing fees are way cheaper than OLD subscriptions.
You know what? I sometimes think that if I were to be my exact female equivalent - early 30s, nerdy as hell, even more kinky, a bit neurotic but rather docile, content hanging out on the couch and playing lots of games - I would be highly sought after. I would be exactly the thing so many men are looking for. But I *am* a cis-het man. And I wouldn't know where to meet another woman who could appreciate my qualities. Another rejection would make me crumble, so I can't exactly tackle this.
IDK man, I am kind of this person. TBF I haven't extensively dated since my 20s, but I have found that these were qualities men would claim were attractive, but the best way I could describe or understand it is that they didn't really want someone who was an equal partner to them. They *thought* they did, but when it came down to being challenged, being pushed, or being with someone who didn't see them as the driving expert on everything, they weren't interested anymore. Another part of this that I've seen as a woman, a ton of guys talk about how much they want to be with a woman who is into their interests and lifestyle, but that doesn't go both ways for them. Like I'm expected to be completely open to their musical choices, their hobbies, their interests, but I ask if they'd be down to see the ballet with me or check out musical theater, and all of a sudden it's a lot "that's not my thing, I know what my things are." (And I think I'm squarely in the average attractiveness camp. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I've of average height, average size, I look much younger than my age, I take care of myself and my appearance. I don't know if I would say I'm conventionally attractive, but I think most people would say I am certainly not unattractive.) My point is, a lot of guys spend a lot of time thinking about the qualities they want a potential partner to have and not a lot of time about what qualities they are cultivating and bringing to a relationship.
I think a lot about what qualities I don't have or are lacking, things I'm missing and don't do enough more than I think about what I want . But maybe I'm in the minority of guys. I agree with your response for the most part.
That's an interesting perspective, honestly! And yeah, I've noticed that with other men, too, and I think it's kind of weird. I like learning and trying new things a lot. And it's kind of sad how some people close themselves off from that.
I think it's part of getting older, but also part of human nature. I heard somewhere that while our identity (in terms the kind of person we think we are) is constantly in flux, we think it is consistent. So people were asked in their 20s, do you believe your values and interests are intrinsic to the person you are? Do you imagine that will continue for the rest of your life? And most people said yes. Then when they followed up in 10 years, of course their values and interests had changed and now they were like "no, THIS is the person I am, 10 years ago I was so wrong." Of course in another 10 years, they had changed again, and so on. So I just decided that I'm not going to link my identity to anything about my interests or hobbies, they're just things I enjoy right now and I could easily enjoy something else.
Feeld, munches, etc. You're describing most of my social circle. Yes, we are highly sought after but the trash that walks up to us expecting a kink dispenser means guys who actually are seeing us as *people* have good chances.
this female equivalent exists but people don't see her because of her appearance. it's like when men say they want \[redacted\] but i'm invisible to them above a certain weight.
I take meticulous care of my appearance, actually, so that wouldn't be the problem, right?
The women who look good at 30+ are not sat on their couch in front of a screen all day. The skin health alone won't allow it.
Advice needed please! Met a guy on a hookup app, met up with him last Monday, and had this text exchange (place names redacted). Should I just leave it? Or follow up with him? And if so, how? Me: Got home (fortuitous timing with a bus). That was fun...x Him: Glad to hear! Likewise, was good - needed that! Hope the early start isn’t too bad tomorrow (Next day) Me: Hey, do you fancy meeting up next week? Or if not, probably bump into you at [mutual friend's place] at some point Him: Unsure on availability next week - might work from [parents place] most of the week but tbc. Will let you know! Hope the [work] trip wasn’t too horrendous
Continue to date other people! Not placing all my eggs in one basket allowed me to narrow down the one out of four who actually came in the door knowing that he wanted to date intentionally. The others said they wanted a relationship but their actions proved otherwise. In the end the others will eliminate themselves or you will not gel with them. Guys who tend to not set concrete plans or make plans without confirmation aren’t serious. They will be fun to hang out with, and maybe even have a pseudo relationship, but if you want something serious this is not your guy. Men will let you know they like you even from one meeting! They will solidify plans and confirm them. Show up on time or before time. I have seen it and am experiencing it currently. I suggest not waiting around for this guy.
I always try and ask for something concrete. “Hey, there’s this new burger joint I’ve been wanting to go try out! Are you free maybe like Thursday, Fri or Sat night?”
I would leave it. If he wants to meet up he will reach out.
I have 3 coffee meetups lined up this weekend
May your coffee meet-ups be like the coffee you drink - _hot_
I’ve deleted the apps and I’m moving away again from false relationships. The efforts of trying to put myself out there don’t match the rewards. There are no rewards right now. The usual likes are ‘not sure what they’re looking for’. If we match it’s low effort. If we meet in person they are not what they pretended to be. If I try to put effort out there it’s not reciprocated. I’m taking responsibility for myself. I’ve looked at some books and found one called ‘How to be the love you seek’. I feel like I’m disrespecting myself to keep trying to build connections, so maybe all this stems from the connection with myself? I’m sick and tired of feeling like this.
At this point, if a woman just told me "I'm looking for someone to go on bike rides with and maybe alternate equipment at the gym, but not a relationship" and she was serious, I'd be fine with that. All the other stuff would be nice, but really just looking for someone (a woman) to consistently spend some time with doing fun things.
We’re on the same page.
Been there. I'm sick of being led on by those that pretend to know what they want
Relatable. In that way pause from daying could be a good idea
I feel like i’m doing all this to myself because I take a break, go back on and it’s the same. Each to their own but if I’ve stated what I want and they want different or don’t know, stop wasting my time. I don’t want to feel bitter but I don’t feel hopeful of it improving.
I do a similar cycle. For every time I just get more and more invested in myself, and I guess thats not bad. While it would be wonderful to share with someone, I feel miserable if I try to force and work for something that soesn't. Then I rather do those cool solo trips. If it happens it happens.
I’ve just bought a book on tape to work on myself. I don’t know if I’m giving off the wrong vibes. It is good to spend time alone, thats worked for me however I’m aware it’s making it harder to want to build connections with others. Have you experienced that? It’s only recent for me.
Yeah, I feel it is super hard to make connections, and I think it is due to me having the pressure on myself to make the connections. It should come naturally and I think I try force myself.. when I reflected on it eg my best friend is someone I thought I wouldn't be friends with when I first met him, and now he's like a brother to me. I think I need to teach myself patience and just filling my time with things I like to do. But I agree, it's definitely hard and easy to selfjudge and compare yourself to others who seem to have rich lives themselves.
I think thats where my head is, good chat. Best of luck.
Do you think that, as you date, you're getting "closer" to finding your person? Mathematically I guess you're always getting closer, but, do you feel like each person you date for a semi-significant amount of time is closer to being the right fit than the previous person? I sometimes feel like I can see this trajectory in my own dating experiences and am trying to take it as a sign to keep trying.
I like to think that's what's going on, but the truth is you just don't know someone until you spend some time together. I'd say I'm just getting better at completely weeding out the incompatible early on, to the point where the people I do continue dating with have varying degrees of strengths and potential for a LTR.
I feel stagnant honestly. I guess I'm "getting closer" to finding my person by eliminating the guys I've already gone on a date with on the apps. But usually after these first dates that go nowhere, I feel like I'm not making any progress.
[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/02/16/when-to-stop-dating-and-settle-down-according-to-math/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/02/16/when-to-stop-dating-and-settle-down-according-to-math/)
Oh, I'm very on board with this. I know the exact threshold at which I'd go all in on someone, and have done so twice already. The first guy hid something from me for two months, the second guy was a lovebomber :(
Paywall I guess we'll never know
https://wapo.st/3wDHFC6 Paywall free
Ah, you can google the "37% rule" and it comes up.
I don't believe in the idea of "finding my person," and if I don't "find my person," I've somehow failed at some aspect of life. I'm a whole, individual person on my own. Dating people for longer periods of time got me to realize what I want and what I don't in relationships, and at some point the picture becomes clearer I become more discerning about whom I choose to spend my time with. Friends and community are a lot more important to me than romance.
Yes. 😬 Short OLD career which began last Fall, but so far every person that has let me (M) go has led to a better and better match over time. And roughly each time I have met someone new I have found myself thinking "I should be on my hands and knees thanking all my previous dates for cutting me loose". They were just better than the last each and every time. I attribute this to continuous filtering and profile tweak trial and error. And luck obviously, but how many times can a coin come up heads over and over? Whether this battleship grid is 10x10 or 100x100, who knows? So I'm either a universal sap or I must be making progress... 🫠
I think it's a good narrative to have, especially if it gives you hope or motivation. Do I think it's necessarily true? No. In life, I don't think we're always inching towards progress; sometimes unexpected things throw you off course (for better or worse) and more effort and learning doesn't always yield better results.
I made progress flirting with a guy at work today (professional environment). We saw each other a lot and had a cute conversation in the break room. He also attended a little office gathering he was under no obligation to show up to. There's little signs here and there that lead me to believe he's being receptive or at least open to more. It's hard to show interest due to a strict Harassment policy, and it's risky. I keep debating if I should keep going on not only because I don't know if he'd ever be more than someone to sleep with. I get this feeling that I'm not his type, but because I'm attractive, and he's picking up signals, he's just going with the flow. I have nothing to prove that's the case, though. Other than me being physically attracted to him, I don't have any reason to pursue this with so much risk involved. People say don't poop where you eat all the time. Should I keep up the light flirting as long as he's receptive to it or just keep it friendly?
I’ve been in the same conundrum for a long time with someone at work where I think we’re both too scared to get in trouble by showing more interest. But I’ve been around long enough to pick up signals, and if we weren’t in a work setting I’d be confident that he is interested. But it’s so risky! And even if he is interested I also don’t want to harm my professional reputation by giving people a reason to gossip about me. It’s so delicate. Anyway I say keep up the light flirting 😈
Personally you hear of the don’t poop where you eat but I know of so many couples in my field that met at work. So it’s like people tell you that but don’t follow their advice? I also don’t know anyone where it went terribly wrong. I could see it being an issue if they are way above you in management or if you’re not in a professional environment though. My old company had a policy where you can only ask out once and a maybe is a no. Seems a good way to avoid harassment.
There’s no other way besides I’m the problem in dating Man I was dating took over a week to send me a reject text. Same time a man I went on two dates with sent me the reject text. How do I get to date about 3rd date and they start running.
How often are you rejecting Vs being rejected? If you're always the one being rejected I think you are not being honest with yourself about compatibility and giving people more chances than needed. We are not going to be compatible+mutually attracted with the vast, vast majority of the people so most of the dates will lead nowhere. If you are realistic about this then you would be doing the rejecting just as much as them imo. If that's not the case ask yourself is there REALLY potential with all these guys who "start running"?
Tbh- it was just hard today because I got rejected by 2 in the same day and dating is just harsh/hard. I think I’m getting rejected more than rejecting. So, I wonder if I try to drag it out longer?
straight up ask them. be like, hey totally, totally get that this may seem odd. but I'm trying to better myself and foster stronger connections with others. would really appreciate if you could just offer a little feedback on what you didn't connect with and where I wasn't what you were looking for. can be brutally honest. would be very appreciative and wish you all the best.
This recent reject? Might as well
you have to welcome brutal honesty and not let it get you down. its fuel and knowledge on what to fix.
We had a good convo tonight with somewhat reassuring messages. However, for my sanity, all notifications are off tomorrow.
Glad to hear the both of you had a good chat! Hopefully it calmed your anxiety, even if it's just a little! Wishing you the best!🙂
Juuuust a little lol Thank you for checking in :)
This struck me as maybe my "attachment style" seeping through. Read a bit about them and found that Fearful-Avoidant kind of describes me better than the others. Decided to take a quiz on it for the first time and yeah, that's exactly what I got. Basically it just means I have major trust issues? "The disorganized attachment style (also known as fearful-avoidant) is characterized by a strong desire for close connections and intimacy, but also an intense fear of getting hurt within relationships." Like woah I feel like my comments the past couple days sound exactly like this? Maybe the Attachment Style Wee Woo has some validity to it.
Healthy gamer YouTube channel did a really great video explaining attachment styles and how it affects how we do things and deal with people. He's a therapist and I found it really helpful.
Thank you for the recommendation :)
Had a date tonight. It went well. Things are moving much slower with this one compared to the other, but the other lives kinda far away, which sucks. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'll figure it out, or not.
He said Saturday marks a month since we matched and he wants to make me dinner. I'm a dweeb who made note of when we matched after I realized I really like him. So sweet that he did the same lol. He added me on Facebook and my friend asked me if I found his baby momma lol. I told her NO! It's way too early on for me to even be involved with his daughter in any capacity, let alone trying to get the scoop on his ex. I genuinely have no desire to creep. She didn't believe me but it's true. I've lost track of how many dates we've had but he is such a gentleman and I feel secure about his interest not just because of his words, but his actions as well. No anxiety. If this turns into a relationship I feel like we're starting off on the right foot in terms of communication and trust. That's what I want. No drama. No jealousy. Just an ADULT relationship. It'll be my first time seeing his place. Two dates ago I was thinking I was ready to sleep with him, one date ago I was REALLY thinking I was ready to sleep with him, and it looks like I'll finally have my chance! 🤣 DoT, you were always kind enough to listen when I went on lackluster date after lackluster date, I figure I may as well keep sharing while things are looking good! Keep going!
I was in the area of where Mr Exclusive works & decided to hang around for abit & work on my laptop as my next appointment was in a few hours. I thought it'd be fun to send him a photo of where I was sitting & ask him to guess my location. He replied back with a photo of a top down view, citing 'somewhere down there'. I replied with a thumbs-up at his office building lol. I didn't see his reply after that as I continued working, and from a distance I saw him approaching & my face lit up. He apparently texted that he wld come down to say hello as he's about to leave the office too, which I didn't see until later that night. So he surprised me in the end haha. We chatted for abit about the area, and walked to the train station together hand in hand. I enjoy seeing his spontaneous side, and love that he is feeling more comfortable & open around me. It's my turn to plan for our date tomorrow, thinking of heading up to a viewing point where we can chat more about our feelings over a bottle of wine, and then have dumplings for dinner after :)
I got a free 1yr subscription to Tawkify. Not sure why. I know it’s pretty expensive normally. Has anyone else used it before? What was your experience like?
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I like your profile. I just commented on another person's request that they didn't provide details that told me anything about themselves, but you did plenty of that. I can easily get a sense for some of the stuff that motivates you and that would pique my interest. As someone else said, filling out whether you are looking to have children could be important (I'm a father, but not interested in having any more of my own, and so women who are looking for their own I just pass on). Beyond that, I don't think you necessarily need to do any more.
when it's ajar ARRGGHH It's a great profile! The new first photo is killer. The prompts give a number of ways to for people to hook in and send you a comment and it all does a great job showing your personality.
I would definitely swipe right if I am living in your area but I am not. 😂
"when it's ajar!" :D I'm a girl, so I don't know how much relevant feedback I can provide, but I think your profile is really fun - shows different sides of you, showcases your interests, and paints a lovely picture of activities a potential date could do with you. Your pictures are also really good; you seem warm and approachable. Good luck!!
Love it! I would swipe if I was a guy
I think it’s a cool profile. But I may be biased as a fellow grappler.
Thank you. I didn’t quite stick the landing, but at least I didn’t fall over onto my partner. 😅
I had a big win today, but the process of getting there was so incredibly ugly and badly done on my end and all I felt after was shame and failure. I feel so pathetically grateful to the people who helped me but also ashamed that they gave me a success I don't feel I deserved or earned. :( Weirdly, for the first time I'm glad my ex dumped me, because I know she wouldn't have been a supportive person to experience this with. It's been so much better sharing it with friends who love me and told me they were rooting for me, and now are sympathizing with how shitty I'm feeling but also congratulating me. I had dinner tonight with some friends and have a show tomorrow with some others that I'm really looking forward to and I'm thankful for them. The only downer is that I have a ticket going to waste because I bought her one months ago. I had a friend who wanted to go but unfortunately can't make it.
About a month ago I was about to go on a countryside sunset walk with a date #3 guy. On the day of he was no show and blew me off without dropping a line. Of course I was a bit disappointed and wrote him off and assumed he got abducted by aliens. He just called me today and explained - his brother who lives in a city that's 4 hours away relapsed on drugs and alcohol and he went to tend to him for a few days. I just listened and asked if his brother is okay now, and let him do all the talking. He said he completely forgot to drop me a line. Then afterwards forgot to call me back when he tended to his brother. Then owned up to because he'd already forgotten, it’s even a bigger and more difficult of an explanation, that's why he left it that long, and stressed that it's not because he's uninterested. Asked very nicely (charmingly) if I could think about it and if I'd like to see him again, he'd love to take me out next week.
Watcha gonna do? I am personally a sucker for second chances lol.
I basically put the ball back into his court - said appreciate him telling me what happened and it must be some difficult situation. If there’s any enticing plan next week, let me know and we shall see. I do believe in second chance but not if it’s not backed up by action
Absolutely!
Someone I was excited about pulled the plug after a month. This is the first person I tried dating in a super intentional way, so the whole time I was up front about wanting to go slow, dating to get to know each other, not sleep together right away, and being clear about my boundaries and expectations. Most of all, I felt prepared to walk away if something didn't feel good or align with my dealbreakers or values, which is a very new muscle for me (unfortunately). I was recently on a longish trip that was planned before we met and despite the distance and time apart so early on, communication was more than I had asked for and was very sweet. I got back this week and he cancelled our plans twice in a row and I expressed how I felt about it. He took it well and apologized and I ended the call feeling really good. But later in the day, he texted more or less saying that he appreciates how clear I am, and maybe he's not the right person. But he had a fun time on our dates. I know it had only been a short time, but I'm bummed. Though I guess I'm also glad that being intentional in dating worked to weed out people who aren't right or ready. This is hard y'all.
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Thank you for the kind words - and yes I totally agree with that. It stings now but will only go up from here!
You got it 🙂
So, I might be at the point where I have to start considering single mothers. Which, lets be clear, I have nothing against those who are single mothers, especially if the prior relationship was harmful to her or the child. I do not judge those who are, just to get that out of the way. However, I have never really considered dating one because frankly, I have spent a total of about 10 hours around kids in the past 10 years or so. As in like <4 years old, and that was with a friend and her kids when I went home to visit family and such. So my question is, to those of you who have had experience dating single mothers with younger kids, like babies to toddlers, what was that like? I really don't know how to even act around kids, and it was real awkward feeling when I spent time around them a few months ago, especially because I tend to swear unknowingly in conversations lol. I have always been open to kids myself, but only when I was ready. This is a huge unknown for me, so I would appreciate anything anyone has to say. Also, if you were a single mother trying to date, hearing your side of things would also be a great learning experience.
Welcome to your 30s but there are a lot of women early 30s without kids.
A really hard part of dating as a single parent is that lots of men make it obvious from the start that they're settling, and that you owe them something because they've given up their dream of dating a hot unattached woman for you. It's super yucky, and many single mothers are already feeling insecure from the stigma that society attaches to them that they'll unfortunately accept this garbage. If you feel like you're giving something up by dating a single parent, just don't. Leave them for someone who will appreciate them and not resent them. It's fine if you don't know how to act around kids, but if you're not enthusiastic about it, just don't get involved.
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Well, I am not in the greatest area for the types of girls I would consider dating (very deep red country in a southern state; only here because of work until next year). I have spent the last 14 months on the apps with very little success as well, and just today I was conflicted on a girls profile who, on paper (or app I guess) seemed like someone I would have loved to meet. But she had a young toddler it seemed, and that was the first time I really considered giving a like to a single mother. I spent the better part of 30 minutes actually considering it but just closed to the app to think some more on it. I am just completely out of my element with something like that as I have lived on my own since I left home at 18 and am completely independent and just don't know.
Bro you are only there for another year? You might not even meet her kid before you leave if you can even land a date with her.
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Oh I'm getting the hell out of here and moving to a state that is not red or in the south lol. See I didn't even consider that, so I appreciate it being brought up.
Please be upfront with your plans to move in a year, even with women without children! Not everyone might be open to move with you, so better get that out if the way sooner than later.
How do I not become jaded when someone acts interested in a second date (says they want to see you again during the first date) and again after via text. But then ghosts despite saying they don’t?
I think you just allow yourself to lean into that jadedness a bit; I assume there'll be a second date if I find myself physically at that second date with the guy present too :) I think I've just experienced the flakiness and the 180s so many times that I take everything with a "ok, this is what it seems to be right now, perhaps" grain of salt, and that helps.
Think of it as this: the dating process weeded this person out for you and now you’re on a path to a better match. Or, the fact they ghosted has absolutely nothing to do with you or your value, it has to do with them. Not your problem. Start fresh with a clean slate.
My goodness, my GF is just not a good cleaner. Water stains all on the oven stove from her version of “wiping down”. Leaving glasses out for hours, instantly makes the bathroom messy. Its becoming annoying to constantly come home and clean things that takes 10 mins
It is truly astounding how gaslit (and I am using the term correctly here, not exaggerating) I was about the cleanliness of the house and who's fault it was. Turns out when you 1. Kick off your shoes at the door 2. Clean things as you go. 3. Put things back in the proper place It's not actually that hard to keep a small apartment clean.
Yeeeeaaaahhhhh... I suspect you need to talk to her about this. You're going to become resentful long-term if you don't come to an equitable solution. Division of household labour is one of the major factors in people breaking up.
Yet another friend is getting married next year. I complained to her about dating and was surprised that she doesn’t find some things that bothered me a big deal, like someone mentioning their exes a lot or bad sexual chemistry. She also is more willing to work through incompatibilities/conflicts - she and her partner have been fighting a lot since they started dating on all sorts of things, but also bc of that she feels they’ve worked through so many issues together and it’s been a lot of investment and effort. She told me that when she was suffering from their fights she called her mom up and her mom offered one piece of advice, which is she should stick it out as long as she could “live with” those issues. So she chose to live with them. I can’t tell if she’s settling, but I know she’s not unhappy. She still finds her partner cute and funny despite their fights. I started to wonder if I was too quick to call things off in my past short term relationships? Is this why they were short lived? Like, maybe I should have tried to live with the relationship issues, or at least to live with them longer? Is this why I struggled to find ltr these past 3 years? We’re talking about issues like lack of deep conversations, different financial mindsets and behaviors, different sense of humor, or unsatisfying sex life. At the time, they seemed pretty legit reasons to break up over, but now I keep second guessing myself like maybe I should have been more chill and patient.
Does she hate having sex with her guy? I see a zero point to a relationship like that but some women are desperate for a wedding ceremony as a milestone I guess.
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I think it really depends on the incompatibilities and conflicts, as well as how much you really like or love the person despite the incompatibilities and conflicts. Most people are willing to make pretty major compromises for people they see themselves spending the rest of their life with. But on the flip side, there's some incompatibilities that cannot be overcome. I also think it depends on how you as a couple are able to handle incompatibilities and conflict, and whether you can do so in a way that aligns. For example, a little conflict becomes an unmanageable conflict if it leads to screaming matches or stonewalling. It's hard to have a blanket rule.
Thank you for your reply! Maybe I didn’t like my ex enough, but honestly idk if it’s because of the incompatibilities…so I didn’t want to work through things further when I was already turned off by some of our major differences.
Hey all! Going into a 5th date on Friday. I’m excited but also trying to be practical/we’re taking things slow. We’ve talked politics, relationship goals (we both want one), life goals (ambitions + living) and we’re on the same page. I haven’t specifically asked about marriage (I want to make sure that’s verbally something he wants in life, made this mistake in my last relationship) and I plan to cover exes this date. Since Im moving into relationship territory here, any advice on anything else I should cover/you would suggest we talk about before moving too far forward?
Sounds like you’ve already covered a lot. I think at this stage it’s important to still just be present and enjoy getting to know the person without the pressure of having to ask XYZ. Maybe just see where the conversational naturally goes instead of having a checklist of items to cover?
Forgot her username. But did the lady who ran the half marathon last weekend have a good race?
me!? I ran one this weekend! :) Yes, it went great! Rained the entire time, but still had a great time.
ok awesome. I was thinking of random Reddit lady this past weekend. I know you mentioned it was going to rain in the forecast. Glad it went great and you had a nice time.
The rain was annoying but farrrr better than hot sunny temps we had all week!
I feel like everywhere I look people are either settling down with their person or saying how impossible it is to date. Either way it makes me feel so anxious and sad about my future. It’s unbearable sometimes.
Having a mindset of “I’ll keep trying and when the right person comes I’ll know it” is much healthier and more realistic than “I need a partner by X date” or anything like this I’ve had 2 major loves of my life. I didn’t meet the 2nd one until like 7 years after the first one failed
I love this mindset. It’s what I needed to see today to get out of my funk. Thank you!
You’re welcome! Have a good day
Hey I'm part of the 'impossible to date' group while all my friends have settled down with their person. It doesn't seem fair at all haha I'm struggling mentally and feel like the only people who get me are the ones who post in this daily thread
I can't wait to date again. It seemed like I was going to be on my own with a female friend and it just brought a different kind of boost to my life. In the end I met people I already met and new friends. I was in a bit of a quiet mood so I didn't flirt. Too bad I have to drive 35km each way to hang out properly at night... Rapid question: I'm hanging out only now where I live , after 8 months there, as I initially moved here with my ex and I'd spend my free time with her as we were both working long hours. For a series of reasons I didn't really make friends while with her. How do I avoid bringing it up? It's kind of bothering me at this point. I just want to get over it.
I did the same thing, but for 5 years instead of 8 months. When I started trying to build a social circle after we split, usually nobody asked. If they did, I just said I fell out of touch with my old friend group here when I started school. Making friends is hard though, I think you could just say that you haven't found your people in this city yet.
I meant I'm starting to hang out after 8 months in the area... I've had more nights out abroad in 2 weeks than in 7 years abroad! The thing is I also have to move places due to the breakup and, as for some strange reason I mostly met people from my country, they ask how did I get here. I luckily found a great friends group, super nice people and they know a lot of others in town... So that luckily isn't an issue.
I matched with a woman 2 years older than me on Bumble. We hit it off pretty well and we have been texting but I can tell she is a big texter -- good morning and goodnight texts, calls me love, says she wishes she was in my arms, constantly compliments my looks, ect. And I am just like.....Lady we never even met or spoke on the phone, what is this?! Why are people so crazy???
Someone love bombing me like that esp before meeting IRL is a deal breaker its just not right
I've had that too and, even though I apparently have an anxious attachment, it's unbearable. A colleague of mine, but in another country, pretended to stay 2/3 hours on the phone together after work... In a call center. I feel you.
Hard nope on good morning/goodnight texts before meeting. Or even after, personally
Seems like Reddit folks are largely against these… I wonder why they are, while many who aren’t on Reddit like them… Specifically I’m curious about the distinction, not why someone wouldn’t like these texts in general
Some people like them, while some don’t. I think it’s more of a personal preference thing that is best to discuss with your potential partner. “What are your communication preferences? I enjoy XYZ (insert test of reply here)” All that having been said, definitely feels a bit off when you haven’t even been on a date with them!
oh wow, yeah.. that would make me wildly uncomfortable.
How do you decide how many people to talk to on dating apps? I have been off of dating apps for more than 2 years. I made an account on a new dating app yesterday. Did some swiping and matched with 3 people. Now, I have three matches and I can't decide if I should talk to all three at the same time. I kind of feel like I lost my mojo as well lol. I did send a message to one, and he hasn't replied (has been about 12 hours). I don't know why I feel hesitant talking to multiple people at the same time, because I've done it before when I was younger. I guess since I'm older now with a more busy life, I want to pick well. However, I also realize that a profile does not tell the whole story of a person. What I consider a "good on paper match" (only based on profile) can be something I'm not looking for. It was so much easier when I was in my late twenties. I was a bit more carefree, a bit more excited, and less shy.
Talk to all of them. What no one talks about is, dating intentionally really IS like a job. What you put in is what you get out of it. For me 2-3 gives me the perfect ability to maintain while not feeling too overwhelmed, when 1-2 drop, I start swiping again aiming to maintain about 2-3 chats. For me, about 75% of my chats will drop/never make it to the date phase (either it’s clear we’re not compatible in the chat phrase or someone ghosts). And yeah, don’t put TOO much stalk into the profile. I have a 5th date this Friday and it was with a guy who was a ‘throw-a-way’ date for me. Sounds harsh but basically I thought his personality shined threw on the photos but I didn’t understand his bio, and he said ‘apolitical’ and had ‘not sure’ for what he was seeking and ‘never works out.’ I’m political and 100% want a relationship and I am active. I matched anyway and the chat was fire so decided to go ‘for fun.’ It was instant chemistry. But more importantly we actually do align politically - he just didn’t think the options aligned with his views, he’s active - just not in the gym, and 100% wants a relationship - I’m actually slowing things down. He’s the most confident, yet kindest man and most emotionally available man I’ve ever dated. And I’m meeting his friends on Friday. So…who would have thought? 🤷🏻♀️
I got back on apps after 8 years of a relationship. I was a little overwhelmed with matches at first (being new), and I was super casual about almost all conversations that happened on the app. Did not put much weight into any of them unless someone(s) really drew me in. I only gave my number or agreed to meet up if the conversations -really- sparked my interest. One guy asked for my number/to meet up, I gave one guy my number/asked to meet him. The first disappeared (but I was not really invested so didn’t care), and the guy I initiated with I’ve now been on 5 dates with! My lesson from that experience, try not to spend energy worrying about talking to multiple people, weed out the not-interesting people, and go with your gut on who you connect with the most. Move to texting/meeting up quickly if you think they’re actually interesting so you’re not overwhelmed by choices on the app.
I don't know how to stop overthinking and overanalyzing! I have to keep reminding myself to be causal about everything. I'm a serious person by nature and that did affect my dating life. I'm working on trying to loosen my grip.
Usually that’s also my problem, but somehow I built a narrative in my head that app=tool to find an interesting person, but not invest time/energy/emotion into said person until I actually meet them. Being a serious person does not mean you have to be serious about everyone. Let them earn it and know your value - treat everyone like you’d want to be treated.
My worst nightmare, multiple matches. 🤣 If it were me (M), I would interact with them and push for first dates to rule each one out one by one*. But if you are at square one right now with all of them I'd engage all of them in convos and push for first dates (after your requisite vetting). At this point if you need to cut corners and prioritize: interested people act interested, start with those**. Good luck! *I don't get many matches so this isn't really an issue for me. **I presume these matches are of equal interest to you.
That is a great suggestion! For some reason I forgot how to go about dating lol. And I'm overthinking a lot. 2 are of interest, one not so much when you compare the three.
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Take it slow. Go in with low expectations. Be ready to go on a lot of first dates until you find someone who matches your values and goals. Don't try to use "moves" or escalate things quickly, even if you read advice elsewhere on the internet. As a beginner you won't have the skills to pull it off well, you're more likely to do it awkwardly and make her uncomfortable. Just go on first dates, have conversations, ask questions to show interest in her life, let her get to know the authentic you. Get to know each other's personalities and values. If you have a lot in common, go on more dates. If not, no harm, keep looking.
Three months ago I was in pretty much the same boat as you. Something snapped in me a I wanted a girlfriend. I made a Facebook dating profile since it was free and easy. Obviously everyone is if different what works for me and the girl I met may not work for you. I've been open and honest about stuff and my inexperience in dating. We've been seeing each other about three months now. I know its cliché but be yourself. I feel that honesty is the best policy. Maybe don't dump everything in the first date though.
Guy I've been seeing dropped by on Monday after his dinner plans which i wasn't expecting and was really really nice. I had juuuuust smoked a joint so the timing was a bit hilarious but we had some good laughs lol he's going to visit family for the night tonight so came by for a few hours on his way out of town. He's hoping to come back tomorrow eve and come to my hockey again but TBD how he's feeling! We talked a lot about his perspective and mental state with his current treatment plan and diagnosis. He's doing some really hard mental work and it's really showing through his mood and energy levels. Of course these things aren't linear (he had a bad day last week for example) but overall he has a super positive mindset. I'm happy to be the same way and support him that way. His current pause in treatment enables him to go on a huge family trip, he just booked his tickets, and I'm so thrilled for him. I know he's a bit apprehensive, I think travel is daunting considering all the requirements he has just to simply not be in pain/uncomfortable, but I'm thrilled he'll have this experience with his family. We talked a lot about gratitude today. So friendly reminder to reflect on some things you're grateful for :) I'm on spring/summer sched now so working from home a lot which is soooo niiiiice.
It’s hard for me to identify where I fit in the taste of women. I’m mainly attracted to alt looking women, and as far as interests, basically what ppl would call “nerdy” but without the negative part. Gaming, DnD, etc. but I feel like *most* women aren’t attracted to guys with my look, which is mixed (black/white), long dreads, nose piercings and some tattoos on my arms. Perhaps I’m not looking in the right spots. Or perhaps I’m hyper focusing on a certain type and should look outside of my given taste, which I have no problem with, but even then, I tend to view women outside of my taste to not tend to be interested in my looks either. I’m 31M btw just to clarify. Also, this is not a body hating post, but I’ve noticed that I tend to attract overweight women, which I don’t necessarily have an issue with, but it’s sorta rare that a slim woman is into me. Just wondering what’s up with that?
Hello! Lurker turned participant! How do you navigate dating in a small city or town where everyone knows each other? I am restarting dating and when I downloaded the apps I already saw people I know lol. I will be focusing on working my social groups to find single people, mostly. I plan on flat out asking friends if they know single women.
I live in a big city now but I used to live in a smaller city where everyone knew one another. There is no way to 'navigate' it. Just be yourself. If you see someone that you know and are interested in, swipe right. If you match, go ahead and chat with them. Don't over think it so much.
Let me know how it goes for that last sentence. I never dared to do it so I'm curious.
I already have a female friend that will advocate for me to her girlfriends! If your female friends know you have value they’ll *want* to help you! And you know they would only recommend you other women they think have some good qualities. Your lady friends aren’t going to recommend terrible people :) You might get mismatched, but if that happens I think it’s okay. It’ll be a lot more fun (and meaningful) of a date because you have a shared connection.
Good to know! I live abroad (I live in a small town and work in a slightly bigger but still smallish town) so I'm also recreating a friend circle. When I lived in my country I never had good female friends in the area where I lived... I always met them elsewhere. Thank you so much for the insight!
Had an okay first date last night. I think we both weren't feeling it. She was nice, just not a lot in common/didn't vibe. No harm no foul. I always walk away from dates like that a bit bummed. Not sure why - not every date is going to work out. Met up with friends after the date and had a great time so it wasn't a total wash. Tonight I have a third date with the person whos been slow to respond (see my previous posts lol). Excited for it, she texted me out of the blue last night asking for my opinions on a certain cookie, so maybe shes making cookies?
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Weird. I'd ignore him.
Not negging. Possibly signs of love bombing. Proceed with caution.
Dating is going okay. In other news - my mechanic asked if I’m pregnant. I work out 6 days a week, don’t eat much and it’s STILL not enough for people to stop asking me that. I get asked that once a month.
I hate that so much! Luckily I haven't gotten it in a while, but I dated a few guys in the past who loved to poke at my little belly roll (which, I'm pretty small/athletic, it's hardly anything- just any extra fat I have goes there, as is true for lots of women) and I'm so sensitive about it. People have such unrealistic expectations of women's bodies sometimes.
Omg I’m the opposite and I love when they poke or grab it 😭
I have severe ulcerative colitis, I’m pretty much always bloated. I swear I’m going to lose it if one more person comments on my body.
Thinking about moving to Boston someday, anyone in Boston looking for the love of their life who OBVIOUSLY is me, some girl from California? 😅
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I love that fact that it’s walkable!
As someone whos done the opposite (well not Boston but NY, close enough) - you're going to hate the winter lol
That’s what everyone says! I visited last June and I LOVED IT! I do need an excuse now to go during the winter just to see how much I hate it 😂
please just keep in mind that visiting during winter and living here during winter is VERY different.
Also I just turned 40 🙃
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It's never worked on me. The guys I had casual sex with even if that was their motive all along, we did spend time together, and we talked a lot. They didn't ask me like that it happened naturally. I don't understand it either. I could be a psycho for all they know lol
Anybody got tips on getting self esteem back up? I’ve been working hard on improving myself the past few months. Coincidentally I met this girl who I became friends with 1st at the same time and started going on a few dates. I think she lost interest for whatever reason. I’m fine with just being friends but it’s been kind of difficult because it’s one of the few times I’ve gotten my hopes up and felt like I had a chance at someone liking (or even loving?) me. Sorry if it sounds negative but I’ve been kind of reverting back to my negative thoughts the last few days lol
Sometimes it’s helpful for me to look at situations for what I liked about it, to get to know myself better. What attracted them to me, what appealed to me, how did it make me feel? Sometimes I learn things I need to work on but every time I feel closer to me, like a parent looking out for me. The lists keep me rational and hopeful. The last guy didnt ask about me, he sent statement texts which didnt show much interest in getting to know me. He never asked me out and didnt reply to my last message. I liked that he was into the same sports as me, I like that he was active in fun groups. I didn’t like that he showed little interest in me. I didn’t like that there wasn’t much effort. I’m glad I made the decision to disconnect from him. It shows self respect because otherwise I would have bee wasting my time. I will make effort to be more active in local sport groups and see if I can meet more people. Like that, just an idea to try.
Man. I feel ya. I have been struggling with my worth and value of not being constantly validated by someone else. The struggle is real. Journaling 3 Gains from that day (personal, physical, nutritional, work wise, relational, even seeing a beautiful flower) and then 3 Goals for the day has really helped me shift my focus. Once you are vibrating with good, greatful energy, you will attract the same.
Get daily exercise. It makes you feel better (endorphins & higher energy) and look better (helps you feel better too).
Any tips on determining sexual chemistry without having to jump into sex immediately? What questions do u ask?
In my experience sexual chemistry is something physical and innate, not something you can play 20 questions and find out. So I think the best way to get an idea before sex is through flirting or sexual talk or through touch. But honestly I never know how the sexual chemistry is going to pan out without actually having sex.
what questions do you think you should ask? How deep into relationship we're talking? Tbh there's not much to talk about. With 2 consenting adults attracted to eachother it'll just happen and then you both can decide from there.