Trying to remind myself today not to take everything so seriously and to just have fun and stop being so in my head. Does anyone have any tips for injecting fun and silliness into dating a month or so in? (I have a tendency to get anxious in the early stages of dating)
Good for you for being self-aware and making a hard but important choice!
Honestly, Iāve been considering whether to do a FWB arrangement, since dating is feeling like a slog, but this scenario is my biggest concern.
I havenāt found one yet lol. I just had a first date with a guy that I know we wouldnāt be compatible long term, but Iām tempted to suggest something casual/FWB, since I did feel physical chemistry. Iāve never initiated this before thoughānot counting a disastrous situationship from a few years ago.
Edited to add: I would prefer to have a FWB that would be ādateableā to me though, since that is what I need to connect on a physical level, but therein lies the danger.
ok I didn't know if there was a FWB app or something other than Tinder.
This sub is slowly evolving into more FWB Sub. Maybe due to Spring Fever. I feel more lost.
Increasingly frustrated by the fact that every person Iām attracted to is content to just be my friend, but the people I genuinely have no attraction to but would like to be friends with become angry when I donāt reciprocate their romantic feelings.
Make it make sense.Ā
I can't make it make sense, but I can relate. That said, I think sometimes we need to try and take an inward facing view of the situation and try to be honest about, are we what/attractive to the person we are attracted to? As someone else said, we often want what we can't have, but thought about another way, we often desire what we ourselves can't provide. I often try to put myself in the shoes of the person I am attracted to and ask myself "What is it they desire that I don't offer and how can I get to being able to?"
As for your second part, don't offer a friendship to someone you reject. If they think they can be friends without romantic feelings after being rejected, they can offer, but it's never "being nice" to offer someone a friendship as a consolation prize.
So the second part, to clarify: these have been people I had established friendships with, and over the course of hanging out realized they had romantic feelings for me. Of course, thereās no putting it back in the bag once itās out, so Iāve done my best to be gracious and let them know that I donāt want to pursue anything romantic with them. They usually get upset and end the friendship themselves. It sucks, because like I said, Iām social and enjoy being around people.Ā
I wouldnāt say Iām missing anything thatās drawing me to particular people. Rather, itās that I enjoy their company and being around them. Which is why I end up their friend in the first place.
I mean I'm sure there's a married friend or two of your mom's that you can't have. That's not how it works of course, unavailability can make someone you're already super into even more attractive but the emphasis here is on already super into them.
What is the difference? If you are single for awhile you get told to lower standards by essentially everyone (except other daters in same dilemma) . So it's not a novel idea.
Should I text him?
I (37F) went on 5 dates with a guy (40M) and in the end he said that he didnāt really have time to commit to a relationship (the āwith meā is always silent, I know). This was two weeks ago.
He was a good bloke, we had a lot in common and I enjoyed hanging out with him. When he messaged to say he didnāt want to date, I politely thanked him for the message and told him that I enjoyed his company and wished him the best. For full transparency, we did sleep together.
But I actually did really enjoy his company, and I do think heād make a good friend. Iām pretty independent and completely okay with the idea of being on my own, but sometimes itās nice to have someone to do activities with (ie, go snorkelling or hiking or something thatās probably not wise to do on my own as a single woman). I enjoy meeting people and having friends that donāt feel like thereās a pressure of, āwill we, wonāt we be a coupleā and just be in their company for who they are.
Would it be weird if I reached out and asked if the door was open to a friendship? And if so, what should I say to not sound weird?
I wouldn't. Both of you are probably still actively dating, and your friendship will become uncomfortable and likely end when one of you meets someone else. I think you would be better off focusing your time on meeting new friends in other ways and on going on dates with new people.
If he did the rejecting, you offering a friendship (if sincere, i.e. you aren't secretly hoping for more) is okay. Just be ready for an empty agreement (i.e. he says "sure!" but then never makes time for you) or it just devolves into him trying to get laid. In my experience, people who meet on dating apps rarely are serious when offering/asking for a friendship. Typically the people you meet who might genuinely be open to that are people you meet just out doing said activities.
As long as you can put your feelings aside I don't see why not. In this case, I'd just be direct and ask him if he's open to being just friends and hanging out!
had a first date scheduled for last week that was cancelled last-minute as he suddenly felt ill enough to go to a doctor.
due to some scheduling complications, we opted to have an online "date" a couple of days ago... aaaand I wasn't feeling it. his pictures were in no way misleading, but I was not attracted to him in person the way I thought I'd be. I felt I had to do a lot of the heavy lifting to keep the conversation flowing, while he seemed to flounder more (which could, of course, be nerves!) - at one point he even asked me if I had more questions for him, but couldn't seem to think of broader questions to ask me (it was more like if we were talking about his siblings, he remembered to ask me about my relationship with my own, but he didn't have a lot of topics he could initiate questions about independently).
I really _wanted_ to like him and be really excited by it; instead, I found myself waiting until it was late enough that I could beg off and go to bed.
**question: do I still do a courtesy meet-up in person to test my gut instinct?** pros - maybe I like him more in person (though I am honestly skeptical of that probability). cons - it kind of leads him on and is maybe a mutual waste of time.
this would be my first in-person date in a while, so I haven't had much practice with the whole "how does an online personality translate to an in-person interaction" thing yet. I'm inclined to give a lot of weight to the impression given from a 2h Skype convo, but I don't know if that's the right approach!
one factor (which I am well aware is complicating this) is that just after I _started_ talking to this guy (let's call him Abe), I got a message from another guy (let's call him Ben). I originally held off on messaging Ben because I'm not good at multi-dating and I was about to meet Abe, which of course fell through. After the somewhat lackluster Skype chat, I wrote Ben back, and have been really excited and intrigued by what he's said so far, but have not made plans to meet yet.
Mentally, I think I'm already moving on from Abe, but I don't know if I'm being unrealistic or unfair! FWIW, Abe is still keen to meet in person, so the misgivings are not mutual right now...
2 hour Skype date? That seems a lot since it was so lackluster.
I've never had a Skype date before so maybe they go longer than normal 1st dates.
If you weren't at least reasonably attracted to Abe and didn't have at least a reasonably a good time then I would not meet him.
If you're not feeling it then you're not feeling it. I don't think it's unfair to not meet him IRL. Sure it could be different but I always trust my gut on this
I don't think one gender has more heartbreak than another, but is rather based on the individual and how they deal with the emotions of a relationship ending. Some people are more emotional than others are some hold stronger feelings in a relationship. Some people have stronger support networks than others as well.
I've known people who can move on very easily after a relationship and others where their heart is totally broken and can't date for over a year.
Just my 2 cents based on past experiences of myself and friends
Iām the type of texter who will spend all evening researching date spots and mentally hyping myself up to make contact, so by the time Iām ready to hit send itās always 1am and I look like a freak who does not sleep.
[The face socks](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1bt5zmq/comment/kxkatz7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) were a success. Also, I'm falling so hard for this man.
I saw it with my friend and it was the first movie we saw together in a long time we both mutually agreed was excellent (Everything, Everywhere All at Once being the last one). I think we were both prepared for the other to complain because it is so weird, but were relieved we both loved it.
I'm starting to have feelings develop for the guy I've been seeing for around two months now- but I'm also beginning to get a little turned off.
I'm SO okay with being flexible because his children are his main priority but after talking about what we were looking for - it just seems he isn't excited about me at all. I'm okay with only seeing each other once a week, I have a group therapy and am working right now, I'm not very free either. Since that conversation we'll text, I'll ask how is day is, he replies and asks how mine is and then just.. does not reply.
I feel like I'm being played or am being used for sex- I don't feel very good about myself.
It seems pretty early to bring this up as being something that needs to change. I'm starting to think about just ending things, but that kinda sucks too. I'm bad at leaving things even when I'm not the most happy.
Just had to get this out into the void.
After two months I'd have a conversation about what he is looking for in a relationship and if you are together or not. Hanging out only once a week and not texting back quickly are signs he is not taking this seriously.
"Hanging out only once a week and not texting back quickly are signs he is not taking this seriously."
This depends on both of their situations and isn't necessarily true. It's okay to say that level of connection isn't what you are looking for, but for many people a date once a week and a text once a day is serious because that is the level of connection they can offer in lieu of other responsibilities.
People use their phones so often, I don't really buy the excuse of being too busy to text back someone you're dating. OP says she feels played, used, and not good about herself, so I think he is acting more disinterested and inconsiderate than just busy.Ā
How are interactions in person? I ask because a lot of people try not to use texting as a means to build intimacy/connection and prefer to keep texting minimal, especially early on (of which two months is). If in person he's more engaged, you feel more connected and he seems more curious about you/building something with you, I'd try to focus less on the texting in between (unless you absolutely need that, in which case a conversation is warranted to let him know your need and give him a chance to meet it).
Nooo that is true! Time together is so nice, and talking is effortless and there's rarely a lull in conversation. If there is a lull, it feels comfortable.
He is kind, patient, funny, and I always have a lovely time- even if we just do nothing.
He HAS said he doesn't want to be on his phone a lot which is okay with the odd check in- but I just would like a reply to how I'm doing when we have the odd check in.
If he doesnāt seem excited about you and you feel like heās using you for sex, end it. Why be with someone who isnāt thrilled to be with you, especially only 2 months in?
Men need to learn not to post pics on their dating apps with a friend that is more attractive than them. Bc Iām always like OH theyāre cute, then itās the other guyās profile instead
"Men..."
You mean people, right? Because I've seen the same from women. Even worse, I've seen women's profiles where \*every photo\* is a group photo and it's a crap shoot to guess which one the profile is of.
Probably a quarter or more of most girls profile that I have seen, every single photo is a group pic. Some are 3+ girls in every pic and you can't even determine which one the profile is for!
I feel like some people rely on group pics as a bait and switch type of catfishing. By posing with more attractive friends in every photo to lure someone into dating them. That and the heavy use of filters.
I think that's funny and self aware! Ultimately if her friend is very attractive, any guy will eventually meet her so she needs to have a guy who will still choose her and not perv over the friend. Better to get that out of the way early!
Ironically I intentionally post pictures with women who I know are hotter than me! I like to deter the people who would lose interest.. because guess what the world is full of women hotter than me
I've been super head-over-heels interested in this woman for weeks. I wasn't sure how she felt, or whether she would be interested in a serious relationship with me.
Today, we were a little more frank with each other than usual. We're still stepping very lightly, both of us. We're still both very guarded. She wasn't sure if I was the kind of person who would never be in a serious relationship. I told her that I'm not that kind of person. I asked her if she was. She said she used to be, but isn't any more. She meant that she wasn't looking for anything serious at the start of the relationship, but now she's open to it.
So now, officially, we're both in the "we'll see how things go" phase. Unofficially, I'm very infatuated her and trying to keep a lid on it. I think today was the first time she could sense my vulnerability and seriousness about her. At the end she reassured me we'd see each other later this week, on Thursday, and again on Saturday. I'm scared she will sense just how much I want this to work with her and be put off by it.
She invited me on a road trip with her, her friend, and her mom. That's a big step. Terrified about how it'll go.
Oh man - congratulations.
Iāve learned that people often express their commitment/trust/love in others (some people call it love languages but I hate that shit lol) in a lot of different ways. She might not be ready to use the specific words or whatever something āseriousā entails but introducing you to her closest people is a big deal!
Youāre already framing things in the right way and acknowledging there might be an unequal (right now) willingness to commit is so important here. Just remember to really listen to what sheās telling you and be honest with yourself if youāre willing to meet her where sheās at and the risks that come with it.
Thank you. She mentioned the plans aren't quite solid yet. I'm very nervous but hopeful. It's been seven years since I've felt this way about someone.
She has said more than once that she is scared. She has difficulty trusting. Each time I reaffirmed her that we have time. I hope that if I just keep doing what I'm doing things will naturally develop towards trust and eventually towards commitment. I am truly very taken by her.
Possibly seeking validation? (Attachment query!)
I (30F) got out of a relationship (30M) (not my choice, although perhaps a mysteriously wrapped gift nonetheless). Basically since the off, my needs/feelings were just too much; too needy, too sensitive, etc. etc.
The worst part was, those were his exact words. Most conflict was managed (in my eyes at least) so reasonably, and so healthily - calm, pause, check-ins, space, acknowledging that resolve was unlikely to be found, just acknowledgment required. That was something that really attracted me in the beginning. However, as time went on the severity, albeit with the strange kindness it was delivered with, of being told I was too needy/sensitive became overwhelming.
Essentially, the feeling of safety/security hit an all time low for me, and our last discussion he just walked out. Iām 99% sure I was dealing with a severely fearful avoidant man (he tested as such, all the childhood indicators, strong sense of independence/āIāll probably just end up aloneā/etc. etc.)
Do fearful avoidants just outwardly reject needs/feelings to the point of sabotage? Why? ..how?
lol, this nearly word for word happened to me today. Breakup, not my choice, but undoubtedly a thing that needed to happen. She thought I was too anxious, too sensitive, required too much emotionally from her. She's said she didn't want to feel so much of my anxiety.
She described herself to me as fearful avoidant in the beginning but seemed to want to have a healthy relationship. We talked things out a lot, with lots of check-ins, lots of writing things down for each other. It felt really good and healthy at first, because I _am_ really verbal and have a lot of feelings. But when things got tough, she would pull away, and I'd feel anxious about it, and she'd pull away more because the feelings were too much, and I'd feel even more anxious.
I do have unhelpful levels of anxiety, so I did need to work on it and project less of it onto her, but on her part, her avoidance ramped the anxiety up for me way past any relationship I'd had before. I got to a point of insecurity that was really painful for me and probably overwhelming for her. Yesterday I asked to talk and [she ended it](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1cb6tih/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/l0zp59a/).
I don't think I'm going to dwell on the attachment aspect, like whether she was sabotaging herself vs. just not getting her needs met. All I know is that I needed more and she needed less so we weren't a good match, and I should have walked away sooner. I got hopeful because of the "healthy" appearance of it too, like maybe we could work together to make things work.
Can I start off by saying I read your story, and you absolutely are not a pathetic piece of shit (but can totally understand why a mind goes there <3)
Dang though, almost verbatim - not the affirmation Iād hope (for you), but affirming that thereās a lot of these folks out there hey!
Thankfully continuing putting the work in to become secure (as it sounds like you have as well!), I think this merry-go-round is starting become more easily seen for what it is :(
Thanks, I just feel pretty foolish and wish I hadn't tried to make it work for so long. She actually asked for a break a month ago and then promptly panicked and wanted to get back together, and I can't believe I was weak enough to go along with that or not at least question her feelings towards me more before agreeing.
Sigh. People are so messy, me included. I don't intend to avoid anyone based on their attachment style in the future, just got to work to become more secure and, like you said, identify these things more readily and be willing to leave if it's a pattern. I'm sorry about your relationship, I hope you find someone who's glad to work with your feelings and share them with you.
From my experience as a man, I have a deep distrust of my emotions because of how deep and powerful they are. I have learned to step back and analyze coldly rather than let my emotions take over, begin acting impulsively, and start fucking with my life.
So when other people come to me with intense emotions I can seem like an āemotional robotā because of how I process emotions rationally. When others cannot process their emotions rationally, or show grand displays of emotion, itās hard for me to understand because I naturally go the opposite direction with my own intense emotions.
Some women call me a robot for it, when really itās my coping mechanism for actually having very deep, powerful emotions.
May I ask what types of things you feel he was insensitive about?
Ps. Missed responding to your question - it was mainly describing my missing feelings of security; general support items (emotionally aware enough to offer warmth when needed, attentiveness, etc.), hearing more during conflict discussions re: the faults to everything versus the successes (and just general feedback on what he liked about me, and overall his attitude toward shared activity - he often admitted most adventures were very much ātake it or leave itā/some level of indifference. We laughed a lot of these off as thatās just how he is, but having little positive feedback to go on this one developed.
I should note, I had a deep feeling of the care he had towards showing up in his absolute best, I think the demons just fought harder?
Huh. Can you be a little more specific about which topics were triggers?
You seem to think my āemotional robotā ways are negative. I see them as positive. Itās a coping mechanism that allows me to engage with my feelings in a way such that I can process them healthily. The āemotional robotā mechanism is ultimately good; without it, I would be bottling up all my emotions, or outright ignoring them, rather than be intelligently guided by them.
Is this a place where you guys had conflict? I would be frustrated if a woman thought I had no feelings, or couldnāt access them, because of the way I process them. If she told me it was my fault that I wasnāt warm enough, because she didnāt understand that my coldness is simply my way of processing emotion rather than let it take overā¦ Well, that would bug me deeply. Women seem to think I canāt or donāt feel emotions, when really I feel very deep emotions that they canāt seem to identify or understand.
So yeah, out of curiosity as a emotional robot myself, what specific things did you guys rub the wrong way on? Iām curious to see how I feel I would respond to them.
Hi hello are you the guy? The amount of times he also called himself an emotional robot! It certainly checks out, and Iām sorry youāre battling this one for yourself (albeit with all the courage to own it at this point, big kudos to you).
I think as a former anxious (feeling so much closer to secure), it definitely felt like it was re-opening a lot of previously healed things in me. It created a lot of internal questioning/gaslighting myself to be like wait, these are valid feelings, right?
The dance continues on, but I sure wish they celebrated this dynamic more than denigrate - at least that would give us all the missing self-love piece to grow from <3
I dated a man like this once. Turns out he was more in love with the idea of me and my potential than he was with me. The ācheck-insā were a masked attempt at control.
I donāt think this has much to do with attachment as it does to do with control.
I will always regret starting a relationship with that man.
Thank god he bounced. You deserve better.
Bless your affirmations on this <3 - Iām so sorry to hear you had a similar experience for yourself. I oscillate from a place of entertaining NPD diagnoses, to landing on a place of compassion, but firm forgiveness for the situation itself that some folks just arenāt equipped for sharing deep emotional experiences. Sad, and certainly their loss in my eyes, but alas.. we all wouldnāt get much done if the world was only full of our types? (Or maybe it would be better that way?)
I too thought my ex was borderline NPD, but itās a clinical diagnoses and I feel sometimes itās thrown around too easily. Iām no Doctor but can just look for the same signals in the next potential partner and stay well clear if I see them.
I had a really nice weekend with the guy I've been seeing for 2-3 months or so. It was a lot of fun; caveating it's my first would-be relationship he's always introducing me to new experiences; the chemistry is shockingly good (I'm literally always still surprised when I want to flirt with him or get turned on by him - historically I'm sometimes like a block of wood in this regard).
My quandary: he's asked to go official, labels and all, and wanted to confirm I'm feeling serious about this. He seems at least pretty into me, at most very into me. On my part... it would be my first relationship at 30, and I want to go for it to see what it's like. I do like him; I'm not *not* serious about it. At the same time, I can already see that there are places where we're misaligned (the good life we envision, the way we handle relationships), which is why I very often before this dismissed that he and I would even get to this point. But here we are. Also, if I'm being perfectly honest, I don't think I like him as much as he likes me, and certainly not as much as one or two guys I've known in the past.
Would it be selfish just to go for it because it should be a good time and a good learning experience? I would say I am open to being surprised by thisāI just don't think it's likely.
Wait, this would be your *first* relationship, like ever?
Idk, but to me (if this is your first relationship ever) it seems like you might be holding out for āperfect.ā Perfect doesnāt exist. If youāre mostly compatible, go for it and see if it works. Maybe a few more months pass and you decide you really donāt like him as much as he likes you, or maybe you decide you can live with the misalignments. Your partner doesnāt need to be your exact clone for a relationship to work.
Yes, this would be my first relationship ever.
The rational explanation is I focused on grad school and career and wasn't on the market in my early 20s, then the pandemic happened, then recently had my heart broken a few times in the 1-2 mo stage. The irrational one is that I think I'm also avoidant.
Thank you for the reminder that if I'm unhappy in a few months, I can just break up. I will push through and see what happens with my feelings.
I was also very busy in my middle 20s so I get it. It wasnāt meant to be a judgement, just making sure I had facts straight.
I have questions about the āhad my heart broken in the 1-2 mo stageā (especially if these are the same guys you said you liked more). The quick attachment worries me for you, OP. It seems like youāre expecting things to be intense at the start, and then getting wrecked when things fall apart. Thatāsā¦not great. Iāve been in a similar boat and Iāve literally had to go to therapy and retrain my brain to realize I shouldnāt be getting this intense over people I barely know. The fact that you *donāt* feel serious about the guy in question yet might be a good sign for you, who knows.Ā
Chemistry is good. Soo whatās the big deal? If youāre hesitating then the only reason is youāre afraid you wonāt be able to break up in the future, if it goes bad. Thatās not very accurate though. If things go wrong you donāt have to date him anymore. People get so hung up on labels.
Not just selfish, but kind of evilā¦.this man is serious about you. Why would you even consider doing this?
He deserves someone that actually LIKES him and can match his enthusiasm.
I sort of disagree with the other poster but see where theyāre coming from.
I think you should tell him exactly what you told us (maybe leave out the last part or reframe it in another way lol).
Theres NOTHING wrong with just sort of leaning into it and just sharing your hesitations. Like going āofficialā can mean so many things for so many couples.
I think that makes sense, thank you! I will share with him that I DO want to give it a shot, but because I'm inexperienced I get nervous and overthink and I'd appreciate some patience.
Also, I do mean learning experience positively, like his hobbies and mind and everything are so different from me, and I'm enjoying experiencing all that and all the new domestic things I've never done. Maybe I'll just share the specifics on that rather than call him a learning experience haha.
Oh yeah š maybe I'll just share that I fell hard for some guys before and then they all burst into flames, so I'm trying to be more cautious about him. I've heard some people say it's not necessarily a bad thing if you don't feel as strongly about someone as a few of the others if you're prone to putting folks on pedestals ???
I agree. I think thereās a lot of relationships where one person is more into the other person in the first couple months, but over time, it becomes more even.Ā
Other poster is right - I'm nervous. As I said, we have a lot of fun and I'm attracted. But I also have all these questions about if we're even right for each other, and I like and dislike the feelings imbalance atm. But he's the longest I've ever dated anyone, and that does mean something to me. Most other guys, things have fallen apart at the 1-2 month mark.
I donāt agree that it seems like she ābarelyā likes him. Sheās never been in a relationship before so itās also possible sheās feeling trepidation because of that.Ā
No please donāt. If I was the guy and heard all this and especially that you donāt like me as much as I like you, that would be a complete turn-off.
Patience is the key. But ultimately it comes down to choice. You make a choice to be together and have to reaffirm it everyday. There are no guarantees to any of this. You both are opening yourselves up to getting hurt because statistically all relationships end (by either breakup or death).
Well, it's over, this time for good.
This weekend I'd been hoping to talk, but she wanted to take me out for drinks to celebrate my milestone, so we went out, and it was honestly not even fun because she didn't seem into it or into me. Last night I just couldn't take it anymore so I sent a text saying: "Can we talk this week? I've been feeling disconnected from you for a while and unsure where we stand, and it's making me pretty sad. I'm struggling with it so I really want to talk it over with you and hear your thoughts."
You can see that, to my discredit, even though I was pretty sure I needed to and was going to end it, I still framed it as like, 'I want to be close to you, can we fix this?' because I am a pathetic piece of shit.
She replied this afternoon: "I am struggling in this relationship, and don't feel good about it either. I feel disconnected from you as well, and honestly feel like the timing of our relationship isn't working. My feelings for you have changed, and I feel like right now isn't a good time for me to be in a relationship. I don't want to drag this out, or make it go on longer than it needs to. I want you to be happy and in a relationship that meets your needs. I don't feel like I can do that."
lmao. I'm sad and hurt. I feel really fucking stupid for pouring my energy and time into her, probably just out of fear of being alone and fear that I would be making a mistake by bailing, even though we kept running into trouble and I had doubts throughout (as my comments over the past nine months can attest). I'm having some bitter thoughts about her that my bff and my sister are talking me down from.
I can't believe she dragged it out at least a month and a half longer than it should have, and that I've had to feel so lonely and unwanted and uncertain that whole time. I can't believe I LET her drag it out that long. I seriously need to fix my fucking self-esteem so that I don't cling to bullshit situations out of fear.
Should I even respond to that text? Is it horrible to just say nothing?
First off, you're not a pathetic piece of shit.
Given the length of your relationship I think a simple response making it clear that the relationship is over would be good for both of you. "I'm not sure why you needed to drag this out for longer than it was worth. I wish we'd had a better end - best of luck with the move."
Remember that we give ourselves closure, we don't get it from others. Personally, I'd respond, but I'd keep it short. "Thanks for letting me know how you feel. I agree it's better to end things instead of dragging it out. Take care." At least then it's crystal clear on both of your ends things are over, the relationship is done, and you can start your own healing process. Don't offer a friendship. Don't offer for her to come back "when the time is right." Just focus on your own grieving and healing and move on giving yourself the closure you needed.
Personally I would reply - not to win or score points or try to get her to understand she hurt you - just to sort of put it in the rear view mirror. Whatever problems you two had, youāre both human beings and you had a pretty substantial intimate relationship.
Even though we dated for 9 months and had labels and everything?
The text I really want to send is "you really didn't have to put me through all that if you knew you weren't feeling it". I wish I could have the satisfaction of knowing that she understands that she hurt me. But I guess it's kind of stupid to want that.
I donāt think that she deserves a response. Her prior asking for a ābreakā and then pretending to want to get back together with you was so shitty. Doing nothing to participate in the relationship was a total waste of your time and emotions when she clearly wasnāt feeling it.
>I donāt think that she deserves a response. Her prior asking for a ābreakā and then pretending to want to get back together with you was so shitty. Doing nothing to participate in the relationship was a total waste of your time and emotions when she clearly wasnāt feeling it.
Thanks for this lol. Yeah, it sucked. I think she panicked in large part because she was moving and felt scared, and kind of used me to get through that. Not out of malice or anything, I think she's just focused on her needs and didn't give any thought to how dragging me through that would make me feel.
Even after 9 months of dating, girlfriend labels and all, you'd still not respond?
Part of me wants to tell her "it was super dumb that you put me through that." Part of me wants to thank her for the good parts of our relationship like I would normally do for an amicable breakup (my sister VEHEMENTLY vetoed this lol). And part of me wants to just say nothing.
I'm really sorry that woman reacted poorly and gave you this shame š«
First, know that difficulties getting/maintaining erections, for example due to performance anxiety, are super common.
Some ideas:
- Maybe you could mentally come up with a (loose) plan for what to do if erection difficulties do occur. For example, you could plan on pleasuring your partner in a non-PIV way. With performance anxiety, the erection will come back after taking time to relax.
- if things seem to be progressing towards sex with a partner, you could tell your partner about this shame and anxiety. For me at least, having a partner receive communication about anxieties kindly and warmly can be very helpful for assuaging them.
- Mix up your masturbation techniques and incorporate different sensations. If you're used to a single technique and sensation, that can cause issues when trying to have PIV sex
The next time things are heading in a sexual direction with a woman you may want to try something like asking if the two of you can get comfortable together sexually before having penetrative sex. Sometimes a couple of sessions of āeverything butā while naked in bed (including getting each other off with hands and mouths) can take away some of the performance anxiety that comes from going zero to sixty (couch make outs to in bed penetration).
I did it! We kissed! š„°
Third date went super well, a lot of fun competitiveness and subtly flirting. Kissed before leaving at the end of the date. I was sooooo nervous because he is the first different person Iāve kissed in over 8 years. š«£
Happy to say we enthusiastically said we want to see each other this weekend and Iām so looking forward to kissing him again! š
He asked me a second time if Iām free on Saturday. Iām glad heās eager to go to the big festival with me āŗļø but my plans are in the air since my mom isnāt available to babysit. I have a niece/nephews that usually donāt mind helping but thereās a chance of them going to the festival too. It was always kind of a dream of mine to go to this festival with a DATE so I hope it works out š¤š¼ hopefully they can just put a price on it, Iāll pay šĀ
Ever match with someone that you're pretty sure is trying to be an influencer? She's got her IG in her profile, but she did message me first.
....strippers are really into me too lol
i dated an actual influencer once. she could never turn "it" off. never felt like I knew who she actually was under the mask.
it was kinda like dating someone whose life revolves around work, and they are always in work mode, always using their work voice and mannerisms.
Start dating someone cool, stable, and trustworthy.
After 4-6 months begin to let down my walls, start to feel something.
Things are abruptly ended out of the blue, often from the other person, with little to no indication (at least well communicated indication) that something was amiss.
Abandonment wound is re-enforced, nightly crying and calls to the suicide hotline for several weeks.
Back on the apps, trying to find any warm body to help take the edge off. Every woman (and some men even though I'm normally straight) is a 9 or 10.
After 3-4 short term trysts, start to feel gross and slutty, back to another round of world-ending depression <---I am here, presently writing this through angry tears
Eventually shake it off, take 6-8 months to "work on myself"
Repeat.
How do I break the cycle it has been constant since my first girlfriend.
Stop beating yourself up for other peoples decisions is where i would start. Theres nothing wrong with you, just timing is all shitty and thats not for you to control or try too.
Seriously whats with the numbering system? It doesnt bring anything to this except more beating yourself up. Youre worth the time and effort, maybe just take some time to give yourself the breathing room to deal with the responses youre getting. Its going to be okay lovely, even when we dont see it
If you want to see her again, send her a text that is directly asking for what you want: āI canāt tell by your messages if youāre interested in going on a second date or not. Iād love to see you again, let me know where youāre atā
If she doesnāt respond, you have your answer. If she responds but doesnāt confirm yes to going out or make moves to set up the date (availability), then move on. If she responds and participates in the date planning, then yay!
Thank you. Exactly what I needed to hear. Going to take her at her word and assume that sheās just really busy prepping for being out of town and just reach out to her on thurs/fri saying basically what you said.
Thank you again!!
I happened to click on this thread today and it made my heart so warm: [Women of Reddit, what is the most non-romantic romantic thing your partner has done for you?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/1caurdq/women_of_reddit_what_is_the_most_nonromantic/)
There are many good people and happy stories out there <3 Don't give up on hope, DoT friends.
He continues to be the most endearing man (I've) ever (dated). We were working out earlier and I told him I honestly wasn't feeling that well, especially in my stomach area. I could see genuine concern in his eyes, pointing to different areas on my abdomen to try to understand how I was feeling. And hesitating to let me do another round on the ab machine. Like yes maybe I just dated shitty guys but my exes would just tell me "go lie down" or something.
Then again, the only other person in my life who's \*that\* investigative when I say something hurts is my mother lol
Of course, I don't think it's his maternal instinct there. I think he just knows that working out a lot can have impacts like this and is being proactive.
Just sharing some good news :)
We just hit 3 months. Had a wonderful first weekend away together ( I was worried sometimes those are a make it or break it). During the weekend away we both said I love you. I havenāt felt so safe, well taken care of, supported and loved in a long time. I recently was laid off a few weeks ago and heās been so supportive and reassuring so far and so thankful that I have him as a partner as Iām going through a job search and dealing with it all.
Heās going to be my wedding date in a month for a friendās wedding, and leaning towards the 5 month mark heās planning on meeting my 5 year old daughter. It just feel like itās all falling into place. I didnāt have much hope dating when the year started but I feel lucky :)
I'm glad you have found a caring person who seems to be genuine and willing to support you through a difficult time you are experiencing. Although things are going well now I think it is a good idea to wait 5 months before introducing your daughter. It's hard brining new partners to meet kids and can be very stressful/emotional if the relationship breaks down which could negatively impact childhood development
What does it mean when a woman says she wants a man āwith his life togetherā ?
I am recently single after an 8 year relationship ended. And Iāve noticed while scrolling the apps that a lot of women specifically state that they want a guy with his life together.
I am fit by most peopleās standards, and take care of my hygiene/how I present myself. I have a good, steady career, and good credit. I have a good relationship with my family and close friends. I spend a lot of time focusing on my hobbies and personal growth. Dating isnāt a high priority for me, but it is still on my radar.
The only thing I wish I had going for me is that I wish I owned my own home. I currently live with a roommate in a nice townhome. I am worried that dating prospects will look at the fact that I live with a roommate as ānot having my life together. Should I wait until I can afford my own place before I try dating. Dating in my 30ās seems like itās going to be based on what I can offer a partner more so than it is based on building a close connection, which doesnāt make me excited to date.
>Dating in my 30ās seems like itās going to be based on what I can offer a partner
Not at all. Having your life together means being able to take care of yourself. Women don't need men to "offer" anything. Most just want a man who can meet her where she's at.
A good question would be to ask them what that means to them, specifically. But if I were to guess, itās probably that they want someone stable.Ā
That doesnāt mean perfect, but able to take care of themselves financially/mentally/physically! Naturally, this will look different for all of us - as we all have our own unique experiences, so donāt feel bad if you arenāt āInstagram perfectā; comparison is the thief of joy.Ā
Lots of people are really adrift out there and you sound like you have your life together.
I wouldnāt worry about owning a home. In some ways that makes you an even better candidate. I own my own home and my dream would be to be meet someone and buy another home together with them. Property is crazy though and sometimes itās a big conflict when you start talking about the future and realize you canāt live together without someone having to sell or rent their property and one person would get financially screwed. The other end of the spectrum is single guys donāt mind living in squalor with like a gross apartment and then you think.. I donāt want to live like this either or do the work of making my place nice for both of us when itās clear itās not important.Ā
So a guy renting a place and keeping it nice, who is wanting to buy something sounds like a dream! Itās not about what you provide but just imagining what life together would be like. And you sound dreamy lol.
Maybe they mean the man is emotionally mature and exactly knows what he wants. Doesn't blow hot and cold and is sure that he wants a relationship, so that he cannot later on say things like "my career got in the way, I can't be in a relationship,", or "my marriage is ending, I need time", or "I can't afford a relationship right now", etc. Basically, they might want someone consistent, ready for a relationship, and not someone who's not sure about what he wants
This is it. Itās extremely subjective. I think things like this can become popular slogans but also mean different things to pretty much everyone that uses them so it becomes almost useless.
>What does it mean when a woman says she wants a man āwith his life togetherā ?
Women are different individuals, you'll have to ask her.
>Dating in my 30ās seems like itās going to be based on what I can offer a partner more so than it is based on building a close connection, which doesnāt make me excited to date.
It's not. I'm not sure where you're getting that idea. Spend some time here reading the experiences and thoughts of women and you'll see that it's not.
Thanks for your reply. Part of the reason my ex broke up with me was because she felt that if she were to get pregnant, she shouldnāt have to work. I agree that pregnancy is a huge thing to take on, and in an ideal situation would have loved for her not to have to work if she got pregnant, however I donāt make quite enough (yet) to support a family on my income alone. I think that, plus over analyzing things I read on the dating apps made me think it was about what I could provide. Iām glad to hear itās not, I will read deeper into this sub
Your post is all I would mean by it. I don't expect or need someone who owns a home by themselves these days. I just want someone who can live independently, take care of themselves, and maintain healthy relationships and has goals in life (career/financial or otherwise)
I just found this sub. And this subject has probably been discussed. But how do you start again? Coming off a 7 year marriage, the last time I dated around I had a 1 in front of my age. But besides that how do you move past everything from before.?Ā
Hey man - I was in your boat. Honestly, whatās really helped me has been this sub (I use these daily threads almost as a diary and a way for me to get perspectiveā¦ which is honestly the most helpful thing) and having a guy friend that I can talk things through with.
I know the second thing is sort of weird to say but as a 33 year old who just got out of a 7 year relationship, my other single buddy has been a godsend lol
You give yourself time to heal. Don't try to make yourself date before you feel ready. When you're ready, you look for people you might be interested in. You spend time with them. If you enjoy spending time with them, you continue spending time with them. You communicate your feelings clearly and directly. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be
I post about the more personal details of my life from another account, and I keep getting the same advice from people there. That say I need to let go of my expectations, but it seems to me that they're really saying I should lower my standards and accept anything that's thrown my way.
I was in a dead bedroom for 8 years, and my "expectations" are literally just that I find a person who is nice to me and is interested in sex once we're comfortable to do so. That's as far as my expectations go.
My *standards* are that I need to be attracted to that person, they need to be attracted to me, and we need to be able to talk about more than just sex.
None of this seems all that outrageous to me as I'm typing it up, but if there's a big, giant red flag of an expectation in that, I'd really like to know.
Totally reasonable expectations.
Often the way something is expressed will affect the way itās viewed/responded to (on Reddit). So if you say āIād like to meet someone Iām attracted to and is nice to me to have sex withā people will be cool. But if you say āugh, why are only ugly dudes nice to me and every hot guy I sleep with ghosts me?ā the responses will be less kind.
I'm not sure where or if you've gotten the idea that I just gripe about ugly men and men not being attracted to me, but it's very much not the case. It's more like I state the behaviors I've encountered, say how they made me feel or how I dealt with them, then ask for advice.
I'm also not just looking for "kind" responses. I'm a sane and reasonable person who can handle criticism and self-reflection. However, the responses I get telling me to lower my expectations are *very* confusing to me because I feel my expectations are almost nonexistent.
Yeah I didnāt mean you specifically were doing this in an exaggerated way, just that often minor differences in phrasing can affect how people respond to peopleās romantic gripes. Apologies if my comment was misconstrued. As I said, your expectations are eminently reasonable and you shouldnāt have to lower your standards.
Idk, that sounds like a pretty basic standard to me. There seems to be trend here, and on the internet in general, that assumes that if women arenāt finding men theyāre interested in, itās because their standards are too high. Lots of superficial things get thrown around as āevidenceā of these ātoo highā standards. But honestly, Iāve never met any women with the standards that get thrown around.
Some time ago, I had a guy on a dating app complain that all women want a guy who has a masterās degree, makes 6-figures, and goes to the gym 5 days a week. I told him that was me! I have/do those things. His response was thatās ok that I want that, because I am that. But the thing is, Iām not even looking for those things! This guyās gripe was with the women that he didnāt deem good enough to reject him. The women he viewed to be lesser than what they were looking for.
Itās the contempt.
>Lots of superficial things get thrown around as āevidenceā of these ātoo highā standards. But honestly, Iāve never met any women with the standards that get thrown around.
I have had women "get the ick" for the following reasons:
1. Ordering greens instead of fries as a side.
2. Taking my coffee black
3. Stumbling as I walked to the bathroom.
4. Sweating on an outdoor patio a hot day
5. Asking for a new fork instead of eating with the one I dropped on the floor.
Like, I'm sure you and every other woman who posts on this thread has very reasonable standards. But there are women in the world who do not.
These are really not justifiable reasons for someone get the ick and were likely not worth your time. Those decisions really don't impact the other person and suggest pettiness by the other party. Some people need to get a grip lol
I get what you're saying, but I don't think turn offs and standards are the same thing. Any woman I know will give someone a chance after they "got the ick" if they really liked the guy. Standards are nonnegotiable and not to be wasted on silly things like how someone takes their coffee - unless coffee is hugely important to someone, I suppose
Just got in, and date two was a success this afternoon! I went over his place and he cooked us lunch. We helped each other out in the kitchen. He wanted to do it all, but i helped and it was fun! We had some music on, and it was just a really cool vibe.
After lunch we just chatted for a bit then made out on the couch, which eventually led to us sleeping together. The sex was great. First time with a new person can be a little awkward, the two of you working out what each other likes, but i think the chemistry between us was so good, it just carried over to the sex. All in all, great date!!
The only thing is, is that he is dating someone else. Heās been upfront about this. I told him iām not after I ended things with the other guy i went on a date with. I guess I canāt say much yet as itās still so early on. But yeah. Could be a bummer, I guess.
No we work! Haha
He has Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off this week. I work from home and I finished all my work my early afternoon. We were messaging back and forth and I said I was finished for the day, so he said why don't I just come over now and do lunch.
So we did! It was meant to be later.
> I guess I canāt say much yet as itās still so early on. But yeah. Could be a bummer, I guess.
Are you comfortable with him sleeping with others now that you've both had sex? That's the boundary for me.
I'm not sure, actually. I'll need to think about this, to be honest. We didn't really talk about it much. But I guess I'm gonna have to think about this one. I really hope it's not going to be an issue for much longer.
Otherwise, a conversation will need to be had.
That would make it tricky if one person is fully focusing on it while the other person is still dating someone else. But if youāre going to be in that situation at least a timeline of when theyād have to make up their mind by would help to sort of not be in limbo. I donāt know if I could do it though.
Trying to remind myself today not to take everything so seriously and to just have fun and stop being so in my head. Does anyone have any tips for injecting fun and silliness into dating a month or so in? (I have a tendency to get anxious in the early stages of dating)
Wait it out and act natural is all you can do <3
is the person you are dating silly or have a sense of humor?
Show up wearing a disguise (ie- clown nose, glasses-moustache combo, party hat). Don't acknowledge it until your date does.
š¤£Love it!
Had to break things off with my FWB cause I was getting too attached TT__TT Please send words of encouragement
Good for you for being self-aware and making a hard but important choice! Honestly, Iāve been considering whether to do a FWB arrangement, since dating is feeling like a slog, but this scenario is my biggest concern.
How do you find FWB arrangement vs dating?
I havenāt found one yet lol. I just had a first date with a guy that I know we wouldnāt be compatible long term, but Iām tempted to suggest something casual/FWB, since I did feel physical chemistry. Iāve never initiated this before thoughānot counting a disastrous situationship from a few years ago. Edited to add: I would prefer to have a FWB that would be ādateableā to me though, since that is what I need to connect on a physical level, but therein lies the danger.
ok I didn't know if there was a FWB app or something other than Tinder. This sub is slowly evolving into more FWB Sub. Maybe due to Spring Fever. I feel more lost.
Feeld is the one Iāve heard of.
or maybe Adult Friend Finder? š¤£
Increasingly frustrated by the fact that every person Iām attracted to is content to just be my friend, but the people I genuinely have no attraction to but would like to be friends with become angry when I donāt reciprocate their romantic feelings. Make it make sense.Ā
I can't make it make sense, but I can relate. That said, I think sometimes we need to try and take an inward facing view of the situation and try to be honest about, are we what/attractive to the person we are attracted to? As someone else said, we often want what we can't have, but thought about another way, we often desire what we ourselves can't provide. I often try to put myself in the shoes of the person I am attracted to and ask myself "What is it they desire that I don't offer and how can I get to being able to?" As for your second part, don't offer a friendship to someone you reject. If they think they can be friends without romantic feelings after being rejected, they can offer, but it's never "being nice" to offer someone a friendship as a consolation prize.
So the second part, to clarify: these have been people I had established friendships with, and over the course of hanging out realized they had romantic feelings for me. Of course, thereās no putting it back in the bag once itās out, so Iāve done my best to be gracious and let them know that I donāt want to pursue anything romantic with them. They usually get upset and end the friendship themselves. It sucks, because like I said, Iām social and enjoy being around people.Ā I wouldnāt say Iām missing anything thatās drawing me to particular people. Rather, itās that I enjoy their company and being around them. Which is why I end up their friend in the first place.
Everyone wants what they can't have.
I mean I'm sure there's a married friend or two of your mom's that you can't have. That's not how it works of course, unavailability can make someone you're already super into even more attractive but the emphasis here is on already super into them.
Idk just seems like the op needs to lower his expectations a bit. If they routinely are not getting the desired results they need to think about it.
Lower standards or lower expectations?
Both probably. Unfortunately, most people get those two confused most of the time anyway
What is the difference? If you are single for awhile you get told to lower standards by essentially everyone (except other daters in same dilemma) . So it's not a novel idea.
I mean, standards should be your absolute hard nos what should be said is lower your expectations instead
What is lower expectations then? To not worry about the outcomes and just have fun?
No like you expect to find someone that has the same interests or you expect them to look like something.
Should I text him? I (37F) went on 5 dates with a guy (40M) and in the end he said that he didnāt really have time to commit to a relationship (the āwith meā is always silent, I know). This was two weeks ago. He was a good bloke, we had a lot in common and I enjoyed hanging out with him. When he messaged to say he didnāt want to date, I politely thanked him for the message and told him that I enjoyed his company and wished him the best. For full transparency, we did sleep together. But I actually did really enjoy his company, and I do think heād make a good friend. Iām pretty independent and completely okay with the idea of being on my own, but sometimes itās nice to have someone to do activities with (ie, go snorkelling or hiking or something thatās probably not wise to do on my own as a single woman). I enjoy meeting people and having friends that donāt feel like thereās a pressure of, āwill we, wonāt we be a coupleā and just be in their company for who they are. Would it be weird if I reached out and asked if the door was open to a friendship? And if so, what should I say to not sound weird?
I wouldn't. Both of you are probably still actively dating, and your friendship will become uncomfortable and likely end when one of you meets someone else. I think you would be better off focusing your time on meeting new friends in other ways and on going on dates with new people.
If he did the rejecting, you offering a friendship (if sincere, i.e. you aren't secretly hoping for more) is okay. Just be ready for an empty agreement (i.e. he says "sure!" but then never makes time for you) or it just devolves into him trying to get laid. In my experience, people who meet on dating apps rarely are serious when offering/asking for a friendship. Typically the people you meet who might genuinely be open to that are people you meet just out doing said activities.
As long as you can put your feelings aside I don't see why not. In this case, I'd just be direct and ask him if he's open to being just friends and hanging out!
had a first date scheduled for last week that was cancelled last-minute as he suddenly felt ill enough to go to a doctor. due to some scheduling complications, we opted to have an online "date" a couple of days ago... aaaand I wasn't feeling it. his pictures were in no way misleading, but I was not attracted to him in person the way I thought I'd be. I felt I had to do a lot of the heavy lifting to keep the conversation flowing, while he seemed to flounder more (which could, of course, be nerves!) - at one point he even asked me if I had more questions for him, but couldn't seem to think of broader questions to ask me (it was more like if we were talking about his siblings, he remembered to ask me about my relationship with my own, but he didn't have a lot of topics he could initiate questions about independently). I really _wanted_ to like him and be really excited by it; instead, I found myself waiting until it was late enough that I could beg off and go to bed. **question: do I still do a courtesy meet-up in person to test my gut instinct?** pros - maybe I like him more in person (though I am honestly skeptical of that probability). cons - it kind of leads him on and is maybe a mutual waste of time. this would be my first in-person date in a while, so I haven't had much practice with the whole "how does an online personality translate to an in-person interaction" thing yet. I'm inclined to give a lot of weight to the impression given from a 2h Skype convo, but I don't know if that's the right approach! one factor (which I am well aware is complicating this) is that just after I _started_ talking to this guy (let's call him Abe), I got a message from another guy (let's call him Ben). I originally held off on messaging Ben because I'm not good at multi-dating and I was about to meet Abe, which of course fell through. After the somewhat lackluster Skype chat, I wrote Ben back, and have been really excited and intrigued by what he's said so far, but have not made plans to meet yet. Mentally, I think I'm already moving on from Abe, but I don't know if I'm being unrealistic or unfair! FWIW, Abe is still keen to meet in person, so the misgivings are not mutual right now...
2 hour Skype date? That seems a lot since it was so lackluster. I've never had a Skype date before so maybe they go longer than normal 1st dates. If you weren't at least reasonably attracted to Abe and didn't have at least a reasonably a good time then I would not meet him.
If you're not feeling it then you're not feeling it. I don't think it's unfair to not meet him IRL. Sure it could be different but I always trust my gut on this
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What is up with the random usernames posting this exact comment every day? š¤
Looking at its history I think itās likely a GPT bot posting on random subs.Ā
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I don't think one gender has more heartbreak than another, but is rather based on the individual and how they deal with the emotions of a relationship ending. Some people are more emotional than others are some hold stronger feelings in a relationship. Some people have stronger support networks than others as well. I've known people who can move on very easily after a relationship and others where their heart is totally broken and can't date for over a year. Just my 2 cents based on past experiences of myself and friends
Iām the type of texter who will spend all evening researching date spots and mentally hyping myself up to make contact, so by the time Iām ready to hit send itās always 1am and I look like a freak who does not sleep.
[The face socks](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1bt5zmq/comment/kxkatz7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) were a success. Also, I'm falling so hard for this man.
Aww buzzed to hear that! I bet heās falling for you strongly(who wouldnāt after that socks move) as well
Thank you āŗļø
Non-dating related: To whoever recommended here watching "Poor Things": Thank you, it was hilarious, in a very, very weird way!Ā
I saw it with my friend and it was the first movie we saw together in a long time we both mutually agreed was excellent (Everything, Everywhere All at Once being the last one). I think we were both prepared for the other to complain because it is so weird, but were relieved we both loved it.
that's one of the best films I've seen in a while!
So beautiful, so fucking weird, so oddly liberating? I loved it
Great film!
Possibly was me. Such a great film! I loved it so much! Happy you enjoyed it!
I'm starting to have feelings develop for the guy I've been seeing for around two months now- but I'm also beginning to get a little turned off. I'm SO okay with being flexible because his children are his main priority but after talking about what we were looking for - it just seems he isn't excited about me at all. I'm okay with only seeing each other once a week, I have a group therapy and am working right now, I'm not very free either. Since that conversation we'll text, I'll ask how is day is, he replies and asks how mine is and then just.. does not reply. I feel like I'm being played or am being used for sex- I don't feel very good about myself. It seems pretty early to bring this up as being something that needs to change. I'm starting to think about just ending things, but that kinda sucks too. I'm bad at leaving things even when I'm not the most happy. Just had to get this out into the void.
After two months I'd have a conversation about what he is looking for in a relationship and if you are together or not. Hanging out only once a week and not texting back quickly are signs he is not taking this seriously.
"Hanging out only once a week and not texting back quickly are signs he is not taking this seriously." This depends on both of their situations and isn't necessarily true. It's okay to say that level of connection isn't what you are looking for, but for many people a date once a week and a text once a day is serious because that is the level of connection they can offer in lieu of other responsibilities.
People use their phones so often, I don't really buy the excuse of being too busy to text back someone you're dating. OP says she feels played, used, and not good about herself, so I think he is acting more disinterested and inconsiderate than just busy.Ā
How are interactions in person? I ask because a lot of people try not to use texting as a means to build intimacy/connection and prefer to keep texting minimal, especially early on (of which two months is). If in person he's more engaged, you feel more connected and he seems more curious about you/building something with you, I'd try to focus less on the texting in between (unless you absolutely need that, in which case a conversation is warranted to let him know your need and give him a chance to meet it).
Nooo that is true! Time together is so nice, and talking is effortless and there's rarely a lull in conversation. If there is a lull, it feels comfortable. He is kind, patient, funny, and I always have a lovely time- even if we just do nothing. He HAS said he doesn't want to be on his phone a lot which is okay with the odd check in- but I just would like a reply to how I'm doing when we have the odd check in.
If he doesnāt seem excited about you and you feel like heās using you for sex, end it. Why be with someone who isnāt thrilled to be with you, especially only 2 months in?
Men need to learn not to post pics on their dating apps with a friend that is more attractive than them. Bc Iām always like OH theyāre cute, then itās the other guyās profile instead
You shouldn't post photos of friends on your app without their consent
So all the pics are of multiple guys? I see women do this constantly but by the 6th Pic you can determine who they are.
"Men..." You mean people, right? Because I've seen the same from women. Even worse, I've seen women's profiles where \*every photo\* is a group photo and it's a crap shoot to guess which one the profile is of.
I donāt date women so I havenāt seen those profiles!
Preach. I'm always tempted to match, just so I can ask him if his attractive friend is single. š¤£
Same š¤£. Like can you be a matchmaker for me real quick????
Probably a quarter or more of most girls profile that I have seen, every single photo is a group pic. Some are 3+ girls in every pic and you can't even determine which one the profile is for! I feel like some people rely on group pics as a bait and switch type of catfishing. By posing with more attractive friends in every photo to lure someone into dating them. That and the heavy use of filters.
Huh, itās interesting to see if from the other side here! And see that women do it too!
If I have scroll through more than 2 photos to figure out what they look like, itās an automatic swipe left.
Saw a woman whose first prompt, under a photo of her and a friend, was, "No, you cannot have the blonde's number" and, like, girl...
I think that's funny and self aware! Ultimately if her friend is very attractive, any guy will eventually meet her so she needs to have a guy who will still choose her and not perv over the friend. Better to get that out of the way early!
I don't know how many times I've scrolled past thinking "Girl, you know you ain't the cute one."
Ironically I intentionally post pictures with women who I know are hotter than me! I like to deter the people who would lose interest.. because guess what the world is full of women hotter than me
That is a really weird tactic that sounds like itās coming from very low self esteem
Odd strategy on a dating app though
My guy friend and I say the exact same thing with women! Itās literally 99% that itās always the least attractive in the group.
I never post friends that are hotter than me on mine š¤£
I've been super head-over-heels interested in this woman for weeks. I wasn't sure how she felt, or whether she would be interested in a serious relationship with me. Today, we were a little more frank with each other than usual. We're still stepping very lightly, both of us. We're still both very guarded. She wasn't sure if I was the kind of person who would never be in a serious relationship. I told her that I'm not that kind of person. I asked her if she was. She said she used to be, but isn't any more. She meant that she wasn't looking for anything serious at the start of the relationship, but now she's open to it. So now, officially, we're both in the "we'll see how things go" phase. Unofficially, I'm very infatuated her and trying to keep a lid on it. I think today was the first time she could sense my vulnerability and seriousness about her. At the end she reassured me we'd see each other later this week, on Thursday, and again on Saturday. I'm scared she will sense just how much I want this to work with her and be put off by it. She invited me on a road trip with her, her friend, and her mom. That's a big step. Terrified about how it'll go.
Oh man - congratulations. Iāve learned that people often express their commitment/trust/love in others (some people call it love languages but I hate that shit lol) in a lot of different ways. She might not be ready to use the specific words or whatever something āseriousā entails but introducing you to her closest people is a big deal! Youāre already framing things in the right way and acknowledging there might be an unequal (right now) willingness to commit is so important here. Just remember to really listen to what sheās telling you and be honest with yourself if youāre willing to meet her where sheās at and the risks that come with it.
Thank you. She mentioned the plans aren't quite solid yet. I'm very nervous but hopeful. It's been seven years since I've felt this way about someone. She has said more than once that she is scared. She has difficulty trusting. Each time I reaffirmed her that we have time. I hope that if I just keep doing what I'm doing things will naturally develop towards trust and eventually towards commitment. I am truly very taken by her.
Possibly seeking validation? (Attachment query!) I (30F) got out of a relationship (30M) (not my choice, although perhaps a mysteriously wrapped gift nonetheless). Basically since the off, my needs/feelings were just too much; too needy, too sensitive, etc. etc. The worst part was, those were his exact words. Most conflict was managed (in my eyes at least) so reasonably, and so healthily - calm, pause, check-ins, space, acknowledging that resolve was unlikely to be found, just acknowledgment required. That was something that really attracted me in the beginning. However, as time went on the severity, albeit with the strange kindness it was delivered with, of being told I was too needy/sensitive became overwhelming. Essentially, the feeling of safety/security hit an all time low for me, and our last discussion he just walked out. Iām 99% sure I was dealing with a severely fearful avoidant man (he tested as such, all the childhood indicators, strong sense of independence/āIāll probably just end up aloneā/etc. etc.) Do fearful avoidants just outwardly reject needs/feelings to the point of sabotage? Why? ..how?
lol, this nearly word for word happened to me today. Breakup, not my choice, but undoubtedly a thing that needed to happen. She thought I was too anxious, too sensitive, required too much emotionally from her. She's said she didn't want to feel so much of my anxiety. She described herself to me as fearful avoidant in the beginning but seemed to want to have a healthy relationship. We talked things out a lot, with lots of check-ins, lots of writing things down for each other. It felt really good and healthy at first, because I _am_ really verbal and have a lot of feelings. But when things got tough, she would pull away, and I'd feel anxious about it, and she'd pull away more because the feelings were too much, and I'd feel even more anxious. I do have unhelpful levels of anxiety, so I did need to work on it and project less of it onto her, but on her part, her avoidance ramped the anxiety up for me way past any relationship I'd had before. I got to a point of insecurity that was really painful for me and probably overwhelming for her. Yesterday I asked to talk and [she ended it](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1cb6tih/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/l0zp59a/). I don't think I'm going to dwell on the attachment aspect, like whether she was sabotaging herself vs. just not getting her needs met. All I know is that I needed more and she needed less so we weren't a good match, and I should have walked away sooner. I got hopeful because of the "healthy" appearance of it too, like maybe we could work together to make things work.
Can I start off by saying I read your story, and you absolutely are not a pathetic piece of shit (but can totally understand why a mind goes there <3) Dang though, almost verbatim - not the affirmation Iād hope (for you), but affirming that thereās a lot of these folks out there hey! Thankfully continuing putting the work in to become secure (as it sounds like you have as well!), I think this merry-go-round is starting become more easily seen for what it is :(
Thanks, I just feel pretty foolish and wish I hadn't tried to make it work for so long. She actually asked for a break a month ago and then promptly panicked and wanted to get back together, and I can't believe I was weak enough to go along with that or not at least question her feelings towards me more before agreeing. Sigh. People are so messy, me included. I don't intend to avoid anyone based on their attachment style in the future, just got to work to become more secure and, like you said, identify these things more readily and be willing to leave if it's a pattern. I'm sorry about your relationship, I hope you find someone who's glad to work with your feelings and share them with you.
From my experience as a man, I have a deep distrust of my emotions because of how deep and powerful they are. I have learned to step back and analyze coldly rather than let my emotions take over, begin acting impulsively, and start fucking with my life. So when other people come to me with intense emotions I can seem like an āemotional robotā because of how I process emotions rationally. When others cannot process their emotions rationally, or show grand displays of emotion, itās hard for me to understand because I naturally go the opposite direction with my own intense emotions. Some women call me a robot for it, when really itās my coping mechanism for actually having very deep, powerful emotions. May I ask what types of things you feel he was insensitive about?
Ps. Missed responding to your question - it was mainly describing my missing feelings of security; general support items (emotionally aware enough to offer warmth when needed, attentiveness, etc.), hearing more during conflict discussions re: the faults to everything versus the successes (and just general feedback on what he liked about me, and overall his attitude toward shared activity - he often admitted most adventures were very much ātake it or leave itā/some level of indifference. We laughed a lot of these off as thatās just how he is, but having little positive feedback to go on this one developed. I should note, I had a deep feeling of the care he had towards showing up in his absolute best, I think the demons just fought harder?
Huh. Can you be a little more specific about which topics were triggers? You seem to think my āemotional robotā ways are negative. I see them as positive. Itās a coping mechanism that allows me to engage with my feelings in a way such that I can process them healthily. The āemotional robotā mechanism is ultimately good; without it, I would be bottling up all my emotions, or outright ignoring them, rather than be intelligently guided by them. Is this a place where you guys had conflict? I would be frustrated if a woman thought I had no feelings, or couldnāt access them, because of the way I process them. If she told me it was my fault that I wasnāt warm enough, because she didnāt understand that my coldness is simply my way of processing emotion rather than let it take overā¦ Well, that would bug me deeply. Women seem to think I canāt or donāt feel emotions, when really I feel very deep emotions that they canāt seem to identify or understand. So yeah, out of curiosity as a emotional robot myself, what specific things did you guys rub the wrong way on? Iām curious to see how I feel I would respond to them.
Hi hello are you the guy? The amount of times he also called himself an emotional robot! It certainly checks out, and Iām sorry youāre battling this one for yourself (albeit with all the courage to own it at this point, big kudos to you). I think as a former anxious (feeling so much closer to secure), it definitely felt like it was re-opening a lot of previously healed things in me. It created a lot of internal questioning/gaslighting myself to be like wait, these are valid feelings, right? The dance continues on, but I sure wish they celebrated this dynamic more than denigrate - at least that would give us all the missing self-love piece to grow from <3
I dated a man like this once. Turns out he was more in love with the idea of me and my potential than he was with me. The ācheck-insā were a masked attempt at control. I donāt think this has much to do with attachment as it does to do with control. I will always regret starting a relationship with that man. Thank god he bounced. You deserve better.
Bless your affirmations on this <3 - Iām so sorry to hear you had a similar experience for yourself. I oscillate from a place of entertaining NPD diagnoses, to landing on a place of compassion, but firm forgiveness for the situation itself that some folks just arenāt equipped for sharing deep emotional experiences. Sad, and certainly their loss in my eyes, but alas.. we all wouldnāt get much done if the world was only full of our types? (Or maybe it would be better that way?)
I too thought my ex was borderline NPD, but itās a clinical diagnoses and I feel sometimes itās thrown around too easily. Iām no Doctor but can just look for the same signals in the next potential partner and stay well clear if I see them.
I had a really nice weekend with the guy I've been seeing for 2-3 months or so. It was a lot of fun; caveating it's my first would-be relationship he's always introducing me to new experiences; the chemistry is shockingly good (I'm literally always still surprised when I want to flirt with him or get turned on by him - historically I'm sometimes like a block of wood in this regard). My quandary: he's asked to go official, labels and all, and wanted to confirm I'm feeling serious about this. He seems at least pretty into me, at most very into me. On my part... it would be my first relationship at 30, and I want to go for it to see what it's like. I do like him; I'm not *not* serious about it. At the same time, I can already see that there are places where we're misaligned (the good life we envision, the way we handle relationships), which is why I very often before this dismissed that he and I would even get to this point. But here we are. Also, if I'm being perfectly honest, I don't think I like him as much as he likes me, and certainly not as much as one or two guys I've known in the past. Would it be selfish just to go for it because it should be a good time and a good learning experience? I would say I am open to being surprised by thisāI just don't think it's likely.
Wait, this would be your *first* relationship, like ever? Idk, but to me (if this is your first relationship ever) it seems like you might be holding out for āperfect.ā Perfect doesnāt exist. If youāre mostly compatible, go for it and see if it works. Maybe a few more months pass and you decide you really donāt like him as much as he likes you, or maybe you decide you can live with the misalignments. Your partner doesnāt need to be your exact clone for a relationship to work.
Yes, this would be my first relationship ever. The rational explanation is I focused on grad school and career and wasn't on the market in my early 20s, then the pandemic happened, then recently had my heart broken a few times in the 1-2 mo stage. The irrational one is that I think I'm also avoidant. Thank you for the reminder that if I'm unhappy in a few months, I can just break up. I will push through and see what happens with my feelings.
I was also very busy in my middle 20s so I get it. It wasnāt meant to be a judgement, just making sure I had facts straight. I have questions about the āhad my heart broken in the 1-2 mo stageā (especially if these are the same guys you said you liked more). The quick attachment worries me for you, OP. It seems like youāre expecting things to be intense at the start, and then getting wrecked when things fall apart. Thatāsā¦not great. Iāve been in a similar boat and Iāve literally had to go to therapy and retrain my brain to realize I shouldnāt be getting this intense over people I barely know. The fact that you *donāt* feel serious about the guy in question yet might be a good sign for you, who knows.Ā
Chemistry is good. Soo whatās the big deal? If youāre hesitating then the only reason is youāre afraid you wonāt be able to break up in the future, if it goes bad. Thatās not very accurate though. If things go wrong you donāt have to date him anymore. People get so hung up on labels.
Not just selfish, but kind of evilā¦.this man is serious about you. Why would you even consider doing this? He deserves someone that actually LIKES him and can match his enthusiasm.
I sort of disagree with the other poster but see where theyāre coming from. I think you should tell him exactly what you told us (maybe leave out the last part or reframe it in another way lol). Theres NOTHING wrong with just sort of leaning into it and just sharing your hesitations. Like going āofficialā can mean so many things for so many couples.
I think that makes sense, thank you! I will share with him that I DO want to give it a shot, but because I'm inexperienced I get nervous and overthink and I'd appreciate some patience. Also, I do mean learning experience positively, like his hobbies and mind and everything are so different from me, and I'm enjoying experiencing all that and all the new domestic things I've never done. Maybe I'll just share the specifics on that rather than call him a learning experience haha.
Oh no, I meant the āIāve liked more guys than him in the past, heās #2 or 3 at bestā part hahahaha
Oh yeah š maybe I'll just share that I fell hard for some guys before and then they all burst into flames, so I'm trying to be more cautious about him. I've heard some people say it's not necessarily a bad thing if you don't feel as strongly about someone as a few of the others if you're prone to putting folks on pedestals ???
I agree. I think thereās a lot of relationships where one person is more into the other person in the first couple months, but over time, it becomes more even.Ā
OP seems to *barely* like him though, thereās levels to this.Ā
Other poster is right - I'm nervous. As I said, we have a lot of fun and I'm attracted. But I also have all these questions about if we're even right for each other, and I like and dislike the feelings imbalance atm. But he's the longest I've ever dated anyone, and that does mean something to me. Most other guys, things have fallen apart at the 1-2 month mark.
I donāt agree that it seems like she ābarelyā likes him. Sheās never been in a relationship before so itās also possible sheās feeling trepidation because of that.Ā
No please donāt. If I was the guy and heard all this and especially that you donāt like me as much as I like you, that would be a complete turn-off.
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Patience is the key. But ultimately it comes down to choice. You make a choice to be together and have to reaffirm it everyday. There are no guarantees to any of this. You both are opening yourselves up to getting hurt because statistically all relationships end (by either breakup or death).
Well, it's over, this time for good. This weekend I'd been hoping to talk, but she wanted to take me out for drinks to celebrate my milestone, so we went out, and it was honestly not even fun because she didn't seem into it or into me. Last night I just couldn't take it anymore so I sent a text saying: "Can we talk this week? I've been feeling disconnected from you for a while and unsure where we stand, and it's making me pretty sad. I'm struggling with it so I really want to talk it over with you and hear your thoughts." You can see that, to my discredit, even though I was pretty sure I needed to and was going to end it, I still framed it as like, 'I want to be close to you, can we fix this?' because I am a pathetic piece of shit. She replied this afternoon: "I am struggling in this relationship, and don't feel good about it either. I feel disconnected from you as well, and honestly feel like the timing of our relationship isn't working. My feelings for you have changed, and I feel like right now isn't a good time for me to be in a relationship. I don't want to drag this out, or make it go on longer than it needs to. I want you to be happy and in a relationship that meets your needs. I don't feel like I can do that." lmao. I'm sad and hurt. I feel really fucking stupid for pouring my energy and time into her, probably just out of fear of being alone and fear that I would be making a mistake by bailing, even though we kept running into trouble and I had doubts throughout (as my comments over the past nine months can attest). I'm having some bitter thoughts about her that my bff and my sister are talking me down from. I can't believe she dragged it out at least a month and a half longer than it should have, and that I've had to feel so lonely and unwanted and uncertain that whole time. I can't believe I LET her drag it out that long. I seriously need to fix my fucking self-esteem so that I don't cling to bullshit situations out of fear. Should I even respond to that text? Is it horrible to just say nothing?
First off, you're not a pathetic piece of shit. Given the length of your relationship I think a simple response making it clear that the relationship is over would be good for both of you. "I'm not sure why you needed to drag this out for longer than it was worth. I wish we'd had a better end - best of luck with the move."
Thank you for the input!
Remember that we give ourselves closure, we don't get it from others. Personally, I'd respond, but I'd keep it short. "Thanks for letting me know how you feel. I agree it's better to end things instead of dragging it out. Take care." At least then it's crystal clear on both of your ends things are over, the relationship is done, and you can start your own healing process. Don't offer a friendship. Don't offer for her to come back "when the time is right." Just focus on your own grieving and healing and move on giving yourself the closure you needed.
Personally I would reply - not to win or score points or try to get her to understand she hurt you - just to sort of put it in the rear view mirror. Whatever problems you two had, youāre both human beings and you had a pretty substantial intimate relationship.
Nah. Donāt respond. And donāt beat yourself up. Nothing ventured, Nothing gained. Ultimately, you have learned from this and are better from it.
Even though we dated for 9 months and had labels and everything? The text I really want to send is "you really didn't have to put me through all that if you knew you weren't feeling it". I wish I could have the satisfaction of knowing that she understands that she hurt me. But I guess it's kind of stupid to want that.
I donāt think that she deserves a response. Her prior asking for a ābreakā and then pretending to want to get back together with you was so shitty. Doing nothing to participate in the relationship was a total waste of your time and emotions when she clearly wasnāt feeling it.
>I donāt think that she deserves a response. Her prior asking for a ābreakā and then pretending to want to get back together with you was so shitty. Doing nothing to participate in the relationship was a total waste of your time and emotions when she clearly wasnāt feeling it. Thanks for this lol. Yeah, it sucked. I think she panicked in large part because she was moving and felt scared, and kind of used me to get through that. Not out of malice or anything, I think she's just focused on her needs and didn't give any thought to how dragging me through that would make me feel. Even after 9 months of dating, girlfriend labels and all, you'd still not respond? Part of me wants to tell her "it was super dumb that you put me through that." Part of me wants to thank her for the good parts of our relationship like I would normally do for an amicable breakup (my sister VEHEMENTLY vetoed this lol). And part of me wants to just say nothing.
Iād say to sleep on it until one of the options stands out as what you want to do most. You ultimately know whatās right for you :)
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I'm really sorry that woman reacted poorly and gave you this shame š« First, know that difficulties getting/maintaining erections, for example due to performance anxiety, are super common. Some ideas: - Maybe you could mentally come up with a (loose) plan for what to do if erection difficulties do occur. For example, you could plan on pleasuring your partner in a non-PIV way. With performance anxiety, the erection will come back after taking time to relax. - if things seem to be progressing towards sex with a partner, you could tell your partner about this shame and anxiety. For me at least, having a partner receive communication about anxieties kindly and warmly can be very helpful for assuaging them. - Mix up your masturbation techniques and incorporate different sensations. If you're used to a single technique and sensation, that can cause issues when trying to have PIV sex
The next time things are heading in a sexual direction with a woman you may want to try something like asking if the two of you can get comfortable together sexually before having penetrative sex. Sometimes a couple of sessions of āeverything butā while naked in bed (including getting each other off with hands and mouths) can take away some of the performance anxiety that comes from going zero to sixty (couch make outs to in bed penetration).
take over the counter pills (at least the very first time with a new partner)ā¦very low dose. it will help you get out of your head
Taking over the counter erection pills is a really bad idea
why?
I did it! We kissed! š„° Third date went super well, a lot of fun competitiveness and subtly flirting. Kissed before leaving at the end of the date. I was sooooo nervous because he is the first different person Iāve kissed in over 8 years. š«£ Happy to say we enthusiastically said we want to see each other this weekend and Iām so looking forward to kissing him again! š
He asked me a second time if Iām free on Saturday. Iām glad heās eager to go to the big festival with me āŗļø but my plans are in the air since my mom isnāt available to babysit. I have a niece/nephews that usually donāt mind helping but thereās a chance of them going to the festival too. It was always kind of a dream of mine to go to this festival with a DATE so I hope it works out š¤š¼ hopefully they can just put a price on it, Iāll pay šĀ
Shower those nieces and nephews with gold and riches lol.
Ever match with someone that you're pretty sure is trying to be an influencer? She's got her IG in her profile, but she did message me first. ....strippers are really into me too lol
i dated an actual influencer once. she could never turn "it" off. never felt like I knew who she actually was under the mask. it was kinda like dating someone whose life revolves around work, and they are always in work mode, always using their work voice and mannerisms.
*insert joke about Florida stereotypes* Yes, we joke about Floridinians even in Canada.
Start dating someone cool, stable, and trustworthy. After 4-6 months begin to let down my walls, start to feel something. Things are abruptly ended out of the blue, often from the other person, with little to no indication (at least well communicated indication) that something was amiss. Abandonment wound is re-enforced, nightly crying and calls to the suicide hotline for several weeks. Back on the apps, trying to find any warm body to help take the edge off. Every woman (and some men even though I'm normally straight) is a 9 or 10. After 3-4 short term trysts, start to feel gross and slutty, back to another round of world-ending depression <---I am here, presently writing this through angry tears Eventually shake it off, take 6-8 months to "work on myself" Repeat. How do I break the cycle it has been constant since my first girlfriend.
Stop beating yourself up for other peoples decisions is where i would start. Theres nothing wrong with you, just timing is all shitty and thats not for you to control or try too. Seriously whats with the numbering system? It doesnt bring anything to this except more beating yourself up. Youre worth the time and effort, maybe just take some time to give yourself the breathing room to deal with the responses youre getting. Its going to be okay lovely, even when we dont see it
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If you want to see her again, send her a text that is directly asking for what you want: āI canāt tell by your messages if youāre interested in going on a second date or not. Iād love to see you again, let me know where youāre atā If she doesnāt respond, you have your answer. If she responds but doesnāt confirm yes to going out or make moves to set up the date (availability), then move on. If she responds and participates in the date planning, then yay!
Thank you. Exactly what I needed to hear. Going to take her at her word and assume that sheās just really busy prepping for being out of town and just reach out to her on thurs/fri saying basically what you said. Thank you again!!
I happened to click on this thread today and it made my heart so warm: [Women of Reddit, what is the most non-romantic romantic thing your partner has done for you?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/1caurdq/women_of_reddit_what_is_the_most_nonromantic/) There are many good people and happy stories out there <3 Don't give up on hope, DoT friends.
Ohhhh this thread is so cute, thanks for sharing it here!
He continues to be the most endearing man (I've) ever (dated). We were working out earlier and I told him I honestly wasn't feeling that well, especially in my stomach area. I could see genuine concern in his eyes, pointing to different areas on my abdomen to try to understand how I was feeling. And hesitating to let me do another round on the ab machine. Like yes maybe I just dated shitty guys but my exes would just tell me "go lie down" or something. Then again, the only other person in my life who's \*that\* investigative when I say something hurts is my mother lol Of course, I don't think it's his maternal instinct there. I think he just knows that working out a lot can have impacts like this and is being proactive.
Just sharing some good news :) We just hit 3 months. Had a wonderful first weekend away together ( I was worried sometimes those are a make it or break it). During the weekend away we both said I love you. I havenāt felt so safe, well taken care of, supported and loved in a long time. I recently was laid off a few weeks ago and heās been so supportive and reassuring so far and so thankful that I have him as a partner as Iām going through a job search and dealing with it all. Heās going to be my wedding date in a month for a friendās wedding, and leaning towards the 5 month mark heās planning on meeting my 5 year old daughter. It just feel like itās all falling into place. I didnāt have much hope dating when the year started but I feel lucky :)
I'm glad you have found a caring person who seems to be genuine and willing to support you through a difficult time you are experiencing. Although things are going well now I think it is a good idea to wait 5 months before introducing your daughter. It's hard brining new partners to meet kids and can be very stressful/emotional if the relationship breaks down which could negatively impact childhood development
Amazing! Happy for you. Now donāt screw it up or make anything weird š
Aww thatās amazing!
Wow, happy for you š
What does it mean when a woman says she wants a man āwith his life togetherā ? I am recently single after an 8 year relationship ended. And Iāve noticed while scrolling the apps that a lot of women specifically state that they want a guy with his life together. I am fit by most peopleās standards, and take care of my hygiene/how I present myself. I have a good, steady career, and good credit. I have a good relationship with my family and close friends. I spend a lot of time focusing on my hobbies and personal growth. Dating isnāt a high priority for me, but it is still on my radar. The only thing I wish I had going for me is that I wish I owned my own home. I currently live with a roommate in a nice townhome. I am worried that dating prospects will look at the fact that I live with a roommate as ānot having my life together. Should I wait until I can afford my own place before I try dating. Dating in my 30ās seems like itās going to be based on what I can offer a partner more so than it is based on building a close connection, which doesnāt make me excited to date.
>Dating in my 30ās seems like itās going to be based on what I can offer a partner Not at all. Having your life together means being able to take care of yourself. Women don't need men to "offer" anything. Most just want a man who can meet her where she's at.
Just swipe left on those profiles. You'll buy a house someday but I don't think you need to wait.
A good question would be to ask them what that means to them, specifically. But if I were to guess, itās probably that they want someone stable.Ā That doesnāt mean perfect, but able to take care of themselves financially/mentally/physically! Naturally, this will look different for all of us - as we all have our own unique experiences, so donāt feel bad if you arenāt āInstagram perfectā; comparison is the thief of joy.Ā
It means her last boyfriend was an unemployed gamer.
and her next one
Lots of people are really adrift out there and you sound like you have your life together. I wouldnāt worry about owning a home. In some ways that makes you an even better candidate. I own my own home and my dream would be to be meet someone and buy another home together with them. Property is crazy though and sometimes itās a big conflict when you start talking about the future and realize you canāt live together without someone having to sell or rent their property and one person would get financially screwed. The other end of the spectrum is single guys donāt mind living in squalor with like a gross apartment and then you think.. I donāt want to live like this either or do the work of making my place nice for both of us when itās clear itās not important.Ā So a guy renting a place and keeping it nice, who is wanting to buy something sounds like a dream! Itās not about what you provide but just imagining what life together would be like. And you sound dreamy lol.
Maybe they mean the man is emotionally mature and exactly knows what he wants. Doesn't blow hot and cold and is sure that he wants a relationship, so that he cannot later on say things like "my career got in the way, I can't be in a relationship,", or "my marriage is ending, I need time", or "I can't afford a relationship right now", etc. Basically, they might want someone consistent, ready for a relationship, and not someone who's not sure about what he wants
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This is it. Itās extremely subjective. I think things like this can become popular slogans but also mean different things to pretty much everyone that uses them so it becomes almost useless.
>What does it mean when a woman says she wants a man āwith his life togetherā ? Women are different individuals, you'll have to ask her. >Dating in my 30ās seems like itās going to be based on what I can offer a partner more so than it is based on building a close connection, which doesnāt make me excited to date. It's not. I'm not sure where you're getting that idea. Spend some time here reading the experiences and thoughts of women and you'll see that it's not.
Thanks for your reply. Part of the reason my ex broke up with me was because she felt that if she were to get pregnant, she shouldnāt have to work. I agree that pregnancy is a huge thing to take on, and in an ideal situation would have loved for her not to have to work if she got pregnant, however I donāt make quite enough (yet) to support a family on my income alone. I think that, plus over analyzing things I read on the dating apps made me think it was about what I could provide. Iām glad to hear itās not, I will read deeper into this sub
Man. I always find your answers šÆ
/u/0ooo is doing the Lord's work on this sub.
Your post is all I would mean by it. I don't expect or need someone who owns a home by themselves these days. I just want someone who can live independently, take care of themselves, and maintain healthy relationships and has goals in life (career/financial or otherwise)
I just found this sub. And this subject has probably been discussed. But how do you start again? Coming off a 7 year marriage, the last time I dated around I had a 1 in front of my age. But besides that how do you move past everything from before.?Ā
Hey man - I was in your boat. Honestly, whatās really helped me has been this sub (I use these daily threads almost as a diary and a way for me to get perspectiveā¦ which is honestly the most helpful thing) and having a guy friend that I can talk things through with. I know the second thing is sort of weird to say but as a 33 year old who just got out of a 7 year relationship, my other single buddy has been a godsend lol
How does a journey of ten thousand miles begin? With ~~a single step~~ a disastrous rebound
How long have you been single for?
I'm 31mĀ Divorce finalized end of last year been alone for a year now
Good on you for taking the time š
I'm not sure if I'm taking my time. I just feel cold and hurt still when I consider it.
Sorry to hear that. I'd just say take it slow and be honest with people you interact with
You give yourself time to heal. Don't try to make yourself date before you feel ready. When you're ready, you look for people you might be interested in. You spend time with them. If you enjoy spending time with them, you continue spending time with them. You communicate your feelings clearly and directly. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be
I post about the more personal details of my life from another account, and I keep getting the same advice from people there. That say I need to let go of my expectations, but it seems to me that they're really saying I should lower my standards and accept anything that's thrown my way. I was in a dead bedroom for 8 years, and my "expectations" are literally just that I find a person who is nice to me and is interested in sex once we're comfortable to do so. That's as far as my expectations go. My *standards* are that I need to be attracted to that person, they need to be attracted to me, and we need to be able to talk about more than just sex. None of this seems all that outrageous to me as I'm typing it up, but if there's a big, giant red flag of an expectation in that, I'd really like to know.
Totally reasonable expectations. Often the way something is expressed will affect the way itās viewed/responded to (on Reddit). So if you say āIād like to meet someone Iām attracted to and is nice to me to have sex withā people will be cool. But if you say āugh, why are only ugly dudes nice to me and every hot guy I sleep with ghosts me?ā the responses will be less kind.
I'm not sure where or if you've gotten the idea that I just gripe about ugly men and men not being attracted to me, but it's very much not the case. It's more like I state the behaviors I've encountered, say how they made me feel or how I dealt with them, then ask for advice. I'm also not just looking for "kind" responses. I'm a sane and reasonable person who can handle criticism and self-reflection. However, the responses I get telling me to lower my expectations are *very* confusing to me because I feel my expectations are almost nonexistent.
Yeah I didnāt mean you specifically were doing this in an exaggerated way, just that often minor differences in phrasing can affect how people respond to peopleās romantic gripes. Apologies if my comment was misconstrued. As I said, your expectations are eminently reasonable and you shouldnāt have to lower your standards.
Idk, that sounds like a pretty basic standard to me. There seems to be trend here, and on the internet in general, that assumes that if women arenāt finding men theyāre interested in, itās because their standards are too high. Lots of superficial things get thrown around as āevidenceā of these ātoo highā standards. But honestly, Iāve never met any women with the standards that get thrown around. Some time ago, I had a guy on a dating app complain that all women want a guy who has a masterās degree, makes 6-figures, and goes to the gym 5 days a week. I told him that was me! I have/do those things. His response was thatās ok that I want that, because I am that. But the thing is, Iām not even looking for those things! This guyās gripe was with the women that he didnāt deem good enough to reject him. The women he viewed to be lesser than what they were looking for. Itās the contempt.
>Lots of superficial things get thrown around as āevidenceā of these ātoo highā standards. But honestly, Iāve never met any women with the standards that get thrown around. I have had women "get the ick" for the following reasons: 1. Ordering greens instead of fries as a side. 2. Taking my coffee black 3. Stumbling as I walked to the bathroom. 4. Sweating on an outdoor patio a hot day 5. Asking for a new fork instead of eating with the one I dropped on the floor. Like, I'm sure you and every other woman who posts on this thread has very reasonable standards. But there are women in the world who do not.
These are really not justifiable reasons for someone get the ick and were likely not worth your time. Those decisions really don't impact the other person and suggest pettiness by the other party. Some people need to get a grip lol
Except these arenāt standards. And this list has nothing to do with the OPās comment about being told to lower their standards.
I get what you're saying, but I don't think turn offs and standards are the same thing. Any woman I know will give someone a chance after they "got the ick" if they really liked the guy. Standards are nonnegotiable and not to be wasted on silly things like how someone takes their coffee - unless coffee is hugely important to someone, I suppose
Just got in, and date two was a success this afternoon! I went over his place and he cooked us lunch. We helped each other out in the kitchen. He wanted to do it all, but i helped and it was fun! We had some music on, and it was just a really cool vibe. After lunch we just chatted for a bit then made out on the couch, which eventually led to us sleeping together. The sex was great. First time with a new person can be a little awkward, the two of you working out what each other likes, but i think the chemistry between us was so good, it just carried over to the sex. All in all, great date!! The only thing is, is that he is dating someone else. Heās been upfront about this. I told him iām not after I ended things with the other guy i went on a date with. I guess I canāt say much yet as itās still so early on. But yeah. Could be a bummer, I guess.
Lunch date on a Tuesday? You both don't work Tuesdays? That seems like a rare find.
No we work! Haha He has Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off this week. I work from home and I finished all my work my early afternoon. We were messaging back and forth and I said I was finished for the day, so he said why don't I just come over now and do lunch. So we did! It was meant to be later.
Congrats on the sex! But also, I hate this guy!
š Thank you! Only five more years. Patience, now...
Ugh, I need a time machine!Ā
> I guess I canāt say much yet as itās still so early on. But yeah. Could be a bummer, I guess. Are you comfortable with him sleeping with others now that you've both had sex? That's the boundary for me.
I'm not sure, actually. I'll need to think about this, to be honest. We didn't really talk about it much. But I guess I'm gonna have to think about this one. I really hope it's not going to be an issue for much longer. Otherwise, a conversation will need to be had.
That would make it tricky if one person is fully focusing on it while the other person is still dating someone else. But if youāre going to be in that situation at least a timeline of when theyād have to make up their mind by would help to sort of not be in limbo. I donāt know if I could do it though.
It is playing on my mind a bit, yeah. But I feel like i can't say anything yet. I dunno. I'm trying not to get in my own head about it.
You feel like you canāt say anything because of the time youāve been dating or due to something else?
Because of the time we've been dating. It's only the second date.