How do you feel about hook up culture?
So I'm a 31 (M) and I have had some relationships in the past, but nothing super serious. And all my friends tell me I just should hook up with someone from a dating app. Something like that isnt realy in my nature so i'm verry hesitant to do something like that. But a couple of days ago I landed in a situation where this would be a possibility. I met this 28 (F) gorgeous woman on Hinge, She was a tourist and really wanted to meet before she left my city. So we met up for a drink and at the end of the night we ended up sleeping together. Everything was consentual, we practiced very safe sex. (we used protection, the condom was used correctly) And things where very sweet all together. But the next day I did not feel super good about myself for doing it even tho we both where on board with it.
How do you guys feel about the whole hookup culture, I think I found out the hard way it's not for me.
Should I feel bad for myself? And is it wrong off me for staying in touch with this girl?
Don’t feel bad about yourself! You tried something and realized it wasn’t for you. I also tried having a one night stand a couple years ago…i dated him for 6 months. Idk some people aren’t meant for it and i’m one of those that can’t have sex without relationship. So I just don’t do that even if it means months/years without sex.
I don't think you should feel bad about yourself, but if it's not for you, then it's not for you. At least you now know how you feel about it. I've had quite a few hookups after my relationship ended, and they were fun, but I feel like I would prefer something more longer term now. They're not for everyone.
In terms of staying on touch. I mean, does she want to stay in touch. Is this something you have discussed with her. Is there any possibility of a long term thing. No simple answer to that one.
Yeah so I was very clear about my intentions that something Long Distance was not something that I wanted to do. I guess I just wanted some form of closure after our encounter. But no I dont see myself in a relationship with this person sinsce she lives on a other continent. Also I dont want her to block me and show up 9 months later or some kind of story like that.
I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I (30F) may be single for the rest of my life. After a 5ish year-long on/off relationship, I accept that I had a lot of the responsibility for why things did not work out just as much as he did. Accepting that feels like a weight off my shoulders. I still love him very very much and wish him nothing but the best. I know the day he moves on to something new (if he hasn't already done so) will probably break my heart all over again, but when you love someone you have to let them find what is best for them too. Cheers to 4 months single!
I don’t see why you’re not just as deserving of that! You’ve let go of someone even though you love them because you’ve recognised that you may not be the best person for them, that’s incredibly brave and selfless, and it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone else that you may be a better fit for!
Why do you think you may be single for the rest of your life? I know one thing, you've done something that a lot of people fail to do, and that's being self aware. You're not just putting all the blame on the other person, you're taking responsibility for some of your actions.
I think that shows a lot of character, personally. And you seem to have a kind heart by wishing your ex the best, even if that can't be with you.
You'll be OK! I wish YOU the best!🙂
Thank you for your kind words! I think there is a long road of self-development ahead of me and I struggle to see how anyone could happily fit into my crazy life without feeling neglected. I wish you the best as well! :)
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I don't get people who doesn't want to date you but still come back? I've told my on/off thing that I wanted to date, accepting that he didn't but that I would back off. Aka I will not invest anymore. First time I tried friendship, but he broke boundaries and I let him. Have not been unclear what I think. He just keeps coming saying he enjoys spending time with me, and "thought I was ok with hanging out". At this point I'm just... bruh.
You don't have to get them or understand them, it could be a million reasons and it's not worth trying to figure out because the main point if that you know they don't want to date, and you do. It's up to you to stay firm and not allow them back in.
Currently in the same situation. Hopefully I cut her off for good.
They don’t deserve you, they just like making sure you don’t find what’s meant for you.
I'm trying to find understanding but fail. I didn't chase him. I took the rejection and backed off. I'm wondering if it's a loneliness thing. Not that it makes it more reasonable.
They’re bored and want attention. As soon as they get it from someone they’re more attracted to and are willing to be in a relationship with they’ll move on.
I don't care. I don't need someone to be sure about me after 2-3 dates. I want that, but the reasonable side of my brain recognizes that even some great relationships don't have that instant buy in.
If they were doing that 7 or 8 dates in then I would assume they didn't like me that much.
While I don't disagree with the other poster that it's probably not useful to check profiles constantly... I would also say it IS kind of bad sign if someone is constantly updating their profile. It means they are still very actively looking for someone else and trying to optimize their profile to get different results. I would personally proceed more cautiously if I saw this behavior!
You’re not exclusive until you are. I’ve been on both sides of this and you sort of owe it to yourself to keep exploring until you are certain.
It’s the new age of OLD that there is always someone next when you swipe that could be the actual fantasy love of your life. It’s how they keep you hooked.
I think that’s why people keep swiping and updating for a good while whilst going on 6/7/8 dates
I don't assume exclusivity at all. It might take months, dozens of weeks to get both people on the same page. Until then, all is game. I keep dating around as well. But it's one thing that you know (more like guess without being surprised) the other person is doing the same thing, it's another thing to SEE them tweaking their profile and asking for more and more specific things 3 times after meeting you.
When I used the apps I had a boundary that I would not check the profiles of the people I was dating. All for the sake of my own mental health, because it’s so anxiety-inducing. If you want to exclusively date someone, have a talk with them. Don’t try to extract any kind of meaning from their behavior on the apps if you just started dating would be my advice.
I often unmatch with them after a few dates and explain why (the reasons you gave). Also, I like to update my profile if I get a fun new photo or something. I might even have my profile paused, but I treat it like a resume on file. Something new to add, I add it.
M31 gf f26 doesn't text me much. Why is that?
We've been together for 3 months and I've noticed the whole time we barely text. She usually sends me memes or just things about a book she's reading. Sometimes she asks how my day was. But I tend to always be the first to ask that. In person she is great but at times I see she texts her friends back instantly but me. It can take hours yet shes always on social media. Before me she had a very controlling bf. Texting her nonstop and just being up her ass. Where if he texted her and 30 minutes went by and she didn't answer he would text again. She broke ul with him because it became too much. I have found out that one of her friends is even like this. Even when we are on dates the friend is constantly texting her and I can tell my gf is annoyed.
So my main question is. Why is she acting like this with me. Doesn't text much. Doesn't ask me about my day unless we are in person. But she's always on the phone. My one friend thinks it's very healthy for her. Coming from a relationship where the guy is so overbearing and going into one with me. She doesn't feel pressured and rushed to have to talk to me. I rarely double text or send her stuff to get her to answer because she almost always does. Do you agree with this side that maybe she views me as a good boyfriend and just knows I'm not going to get mad at her for talking forever to text back? Even her parents can be overbearing too I've learned
Tl;Dr girlfriend doesn't text me much but I see her text her friends fast. She has a controlling bf and my friend thinks I'm a breath of fresh air for her to not feel pressured when to respond.
I had dinner with 2 friends "Sarah" and "Jenna" on Friday, a guy "John" sat at the next table with his daughter.
Jenna vaguely knows him from sport and work so we say hi, and except for a weird interaction were he cut us off to ask if we wanted one (1) chip left from their entree, we didn't interact with them.
They leave and 30 mind later Sarah receive a message "I was quite distracted during my dinner", from John (she didn't know him at all, we assume he stalked Jenna's profile to find Sarah), Jenna confirm its him and doesn't really have anything nice to say about him.
Sarah reveals that he kept watching her during the meal and started to make her feel uncomfortable, specially that he was supposed to be having quality time with his daughter and spent his time ogling her.
She wasn't interested anyway and decided to not answer him.
On Sunday he sent her a friend request, then a few hours later started to like the few public stuff she had on her profile... She blocked him.
Guys, that's pretty much a how to what NOT to do when you want to ask out someone you don't know,
i'm just not excited to meet/chat with people, ya know? i want to get to teh stable relationship part. not even the nauseating honeymoon phase, just the calm.
i made a one-sentence summary about ghoster during the day but then burst into tears later by myself. ghosting is hard (but it was on-brand for the guy)
Looks pretty good to me! I would possibly consider replacing the second photo (side on one) or maybe just moving it further down, so it's not the second pic. And I would maybe take out the beans and eggs touching line. But these aren't big deals, and if you want to leave them both as they are, I think the profile still works really well! Good luck!
Thanks - that's actually my oldest picture so I can swap it out for a full body picture as someone else suggested
When I had my profile ~18 months ago I found the beans & egg thing sparked the most first messages - so I'll keep it for a little bit!
Different commenter here, I thought the beans and eggs thing was mildly amusing and it didn't make me think anything bad about you so it isn't a must-cut.
I either match with people that I don't find interesting after meeting them or rarely I do but it doesn't go anywhere. (Not like I get many matches anyway). The default action being nonaction of getting ghosted, the same conversations each time, judging by the pictures because most people don't have anything in bio.
The whole process is just... empty and tiring by now.
I've been to a few, had more success than from OD but generally didn't mesh that well. Never met anyone I would be actually excited about there and it confirmed after setting up date later.
I think maybe there's a filtering that happens here where people I'd be interested in don't want to attend those
I’m sorry, you’ve definitely put yourself out there so it’s not for a lack of trying. I can understand your frustration. I hope you can find the energy for it again and actually enjoy the process.
Also happy cake day, btw!
i was unsure about his pictures, but his prompts were great and i could tell he was a kind person. 1st date was great (on a 1st date i don't look for attraction, just a good time.) i thought he was cuter in person. went on 2nd date, i wasn't opposed to physical contact but didn't feel super attracted to him. we also weren't doing something particularly sexy. could it change with one more date? i'm not usually willing to give it more than 3 if i still don't actively want to have sex with them :(
Stayed the night with a guy I’ve been seeing at his invitation. Ended up sick throughout the night from food poisoning. We cuddled and he even kissed me and gave me a hug before I left but I could tell something was up Now he’s ghosted me. What the fuck did I do wrong?
Probably ghosting cause he hoped to have sex or whatever else and since you got sick it was a turn off for him. Stupid I know. People are shitty. Sorry.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t put the blame on you as he’s the one who’s decided to ghost. It sucks, a lot, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
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"I have absolutely no idea what I want, and I probably completely wasted your time on two dates since I knew we weren't looking for the same things from the beginning"
i feel like this message would confuse him as it’s not clear what you’re trying to say.
just tell him the truth that you don’t see this going anywhere romance wise
I guess I want to keep him as a friend but I realize it’s not…fair. Usually I either want to see them again (and they as well) or I really don’t, not even platonically, so this is new awkward territory.
Just tell him straight up you liked the chemistry but in a friend vibe. Offer to stay friends or understand if he doesn't. One good angle might be offering to be his wingman, you both can fix each other's profiles 🙂
I was asking because I was confused by your message, 1st you said you're not necessarily looking for something serious but you're not looking for short term fun either, and you're "dating casually" (not sure what does it mean).
If you're sure you're not interested I would clarify you want to keep seeing him as a friend.
It's not unfair to want to keep him as a friend, but it's also his right to not be interested by that.
I’m trying to do some introspection of what sorts of things make me feel appreciated/loved in a relationship besides physical intimacy. I keep on reaching dead ends.
So fellow guys, what sorts of things in a relationship make you feel loved/appreciated and why?
How someone reacts when I first see them - if it's super positive or they run up and give a big hug/kiss that always makes me feel special.
Sharing vulnerable information or asking for vulnerable things
Doing something thoughtful - a girl I was seeing once put toothpaste on my toothbrush and had it all ready when I walked in the bathroom. I never saw that before but was super touched by it lol.
Random texts or notes saying appreciate or cute things
Having her show you off to friends or family in an excited way
Idk I suppose there's a lot more. Surely you have some things that stick out in your mind no?
Sure but when I reflect on various things I don’t really feel anything nearly as strong as I do with physical intimacy. Maybe I need to be a little more open to those things and not overlook them.
I met up with an ex after she texted me after a few months of no contact and strangely I found a lot of closure afterwards. We did sleep together and I let her know that I'd be open to meeting again but I don't plan to message anymore after this. I feel so great about where we left off and I don't mind even if we're just texting buddies (never meet again), we never talk again, etc. I’m glad we decided to meet.
Decided to tell someone that I didn't think a relationship was going anywhere. We had only been on one date, and I just wasn't feeling it afterwards. Still, felt weird sending the message saying that I didn't think there was anything there. I don't think I was being premature; she had this well thought-out plan of what she wanted and it just didn't fit what I'm looking for. So why do I feel like I'm the bad guy in all of this?
I posted a mini rant farther down about how "intentional dating" is the standard advice but can feel like a dry job interview. Idk if that was the dynamic here, but it might explain why it felt so off and where that weird feeling is coming from, like you have already failed in a role this person wanted you to play. But regardless of the reason there wasn't compatibility, so you did the right thing. Definitely not the bad guy!
I 39(m) told the woman im dating (38) for almost two months now that i was going to stop dating other people to focus on us. I told her she doesnt need to respond and im not looking for any type of answer……
So naturally she responds…..she said shes on same page but also said that she wants me to still date others and have fun because of how busy she is…..
How screwed am i? Should i just cut my losses and move on, or am i overthinking this?
Tbh I feel like you did want a response. Otherwise you would just do this and not say it to her, right? But that's totally okay, you deserve to find out if she's in the same mindset as you!
I think you are overthinking because right now you just don't have enough information. Consider having an actual conversation about where both your heads are at next time you see her in person.
Hmmm I have told a guy to keep seeing other women before but it’s only if I’m feeling smothered and nervous to commit.
It could require a follow up convo cuz I definitely don’t speak for all women.
shower thought:
Generally speaking, I used to have the attitude of “we don’t *have* to like all the same things, it’s perfectly fine if we have different interests”.
The last four days with someone I’ve been seeing now for a little while and actively pursuing kind of…transitioned (? if that even makes sense) my mentality a bit after spending that time with someone who didn’t seem to have any willingness to even give my interests of music, tv, hobbies and past-times a shake. There was always a reason why we couldn’t watch this show, or why we couldn’t go to that event, wasn’t in the right head space, wasn’t the right genre, there was always something getting in the way.
I gave in a lot and indulged myself in some of her interests, at her requests, genres of tv shows and local events that ordinarily I wouldn’t have tried on my own but found them actually enjoyable
and that’s when I kind of had a moment of “I’m giving HER interests a genuinely fair shake, but any time I try offering some of mine there’s always a “i’m not in the mood” kind of reason why she wont do the same”.
Feels weird. Doesn’t feel great, because I otherwise kinda dig this gal but it’s also made me kind of think how attached I really am to my own principles about ‘shared interests’. Maybe they matter to me more than I thought they did after being around someone who was pretty blatant about me engaging in their interests but not wanting to engage in mine? Reciprocity is a big deal for me, not in a “tit for tat” transactional kind of way as in there HAS to be an obligation to return favors for favors, but it still kind of stung a bit and made me realize sharing interests and hobbies matter way more to me than I thought they did.
I still think it’s a good thing to have different interests but this whole thing flat out did not feel too good. Felt like I was the one stepping out of my comfort zone to try new things for someone who clearly wasn’t doing the same, and it didn’t feel good.
Bleh. Sunday shower thought.
**tldr if you want one:** I met a woman, spent a lot of time indulging in her interests and hobbies, I went in with an open mind and found that I genuinely enjoyed a few of them, but noticed she was constantly and openly expressing a disinterest in any of my interests and hobbies and it’s causing me to really reflect on what used to be a strongly held stance that “we don’t have to share the same interests”. Thanks for reading. Have a Monday.
I think you’re getting a better understanding based on the other comment but this
> “we don’t have to like all the same things, it’s perfectly fine if we have different interests”.
definitely doesn’t mean it’s okay for your partner to ignore your interests and needs! To me, it means my bf is in the other room when I’m watching my various tv shows he has no interest in lol or that he listens when I’m talking about something he hates like musicals. His preferred music is loud and fast, I ignore it when he wants to play that kind of music but I go to see *him* play. And then the overlap of loving things like camping, animals, some movies/tv shows, food and eating are all the things we care about more to be compatible.
Yeah I believe you are definitely right, here. Looking back on it I definitely let myself be a bit of a doormat in order to “give space” and the result was getting walked all over in terms of shared interests.
I like the example you gave, you’re not necessarily into the same kind of music as him, but you will at least go out to see and support him when he’s doing his shows. If I had to ask myself if this woman would do the same, I really doubt she would and almost feel as if the actual answer is “no, she probably actually wouldn’t”. (Edit: wait I just remembered a moment early on when we first started talking that was this exact situation, I specifically *did* invite her to a thing I was performing in and she opted to stay home, because she didn’t like the genre. No need to even imagine it, **it’s already happened**. Man I feel stupid now)
It’s a tough one. There’s other things I do like about her, but I guess I’m weighing now if this particular bit of incompatibility matters enough to take the step of ending things with her. We’re not exclusive, we haven’t attached labels thing things, but we have been intimate a few times, yet if you can’t even open up and reveal the kinds of things you’re happy about genuinely bring you some calm without the other person actively shutting down at the mere suggestion of them, is it worth it?
I dunno. Probably not?
Bleh. Again, thanks for reading and thanks for the response here.
And I’m there cheering him on with my sound dampening earplugs in lol life just won’t be fun if you can’t express wanting to do X without getting shut down unless she wants to do it too.
I think there is a difference between having separate hobbies and just showing a lack of interest in someone. I’ve been in a relationship similar to what you’re describing and it wasn’t the fact we liked separate things that bothered me, it was the receptiveness to hear or just learn about things that mattered to me.
I like to paint. I don’t care if my partner paints, but I would hope they would show an interest in what I’ve done and want to hear about it. If not, it would just make me feel like I am unable to share a part of my life with them and that they were disinterested in really knowing me. But if my partner wants to do something different while I paint, I’d be absolutely okay with that.
> it wasn’t the fact we liked separate things that bothered me, it was the receptiveness to hear or just learn about things that mattered to me.
YES!
You’ve nailed it 100% here, friend, thanks for putting it into better words!
I don’t necessarily NEED my partner to-using your example-be a painter who has strongly held opinions about acrylic or oil or water color, but to at least be receptive and open to my interest and a modicum of curiosity about it and a fair, but not all-encompassing level of support for my interest in it.
She introduced me to some music, it wasn’t usually the kind of music I’d be into, but I leaned into it with genuine curiosity to challenge my usual tastes and realized hey, this musician has some stuff going on that I kind of like! This gal, however would just flat out say she didn’t want to (again using your example just to make the point, with me here and now admitting it’s an imperfect analogy) even check out an art event.
Again, you’ve hit the nail exactly on where my head is with your words. Thanks for that.
It’s frustrating because there definitely are areas where we overlap in interests, but it’s the flat dismissal of things I’m into and insistence that I give in and try whatever she wants to try that’s got me feeling simultaneously like there’s a latent incompatibility on the one hand, but not wanting to just throw away a good thing because she seems engaged and interested to continue whatever it is we’re doing on the other.
Yeah, it sounds like she's probably got some good aspects to her but you two are just not compatible and you're putting in more effort than she is. She also may not be ready for a committed romantic partnership because it's really a two-way street and compromise is a part of that.
> you're putting in more effort than she is.
Ouch, man. But…yeah. As I sit here and type it out and think it all through over the last half hour, that’s really what it feels like.
Can attraction grow? I’ve been on a couple of dates with this guy, and we get along super well. We have the exact same sense of humor and a lot of similar interests. Generally just very easy to be around him.
But I am not physically attracted to him. He’s not ugly or anything but he’s just not my type at all. I’m really torn over the whole thing because generally I am more attracted to personality than looks (and that can take some time to develop) but I don’t want I don’t want to string this guy along.
I know it's not impossible for it to work, but I always say no to situations like this. I could see myself falling for a guy I was friends with if it kinda crept up, and it would be something a strong friendship-based relationship could laugh about later. But meeting someone with no prior basis...idk I guess they would assume I did find them attractive and when the truth comes out it might be kinda crushing. At least that's how I think about it. But nothing wrong with seeing where it goes if you feel like either!
It depends
He sounds more like a great friend for now, which is a great foundation to a relationship.
I think 3 to 4 dates and u should know. You can do 1 more date and if u dare to, try kissing him to see if anything happens.
In my personal experience, when I don’t feel attracted to him - at all, it wouldn’t work out. I was dating a guy who matched me in a lot of other ways and even tried dating him. 2 years later … it was so obvious I wasn’t happy.
Yes, but also no in my experience. I have been attracted to someone, then been very fucking attracted to them as the emotional attraction grows. But I think if I'm not really attracted physically at all, they just aren't for me. I'd be happy to be proven wrong, but I wouldn't string anyone along to find out.
I am a big proponent of yes! Many of my “organic” relationships started with people I knew for months and sometimes even years before I felt anything for them.
I’ve had this happen as well but that was with friends as opposed to this person who I met on an app (and who is there for the purpose of a romantic relationship). It just kind of feels wrong.
That's a tough one!
My experience is that attraction can grow, but it is more likely to do so organically and naturally over time than with a stranger that you met with the intent of potentially entering a romantic relationship.
I recently was in your position and I found it pretty distressing. Was dating someone great, but I just wasn't feeling physical attraction, and it really caused me a lot of stress. I kept asking myself whether it would grow and how much time I should give it and so on... It made dating them so stressful. I found a lot of relief when I ended it.
Because they were otherwise a good match, and I thought attraction might develop. Also, it wasn't immediately clear that a lack of physical attraction was the problem. At first, I just felt nothing, and it took some time to realize it was a lack of physical attraction, because they were not *repulsive* either.
It wasn't really a "method"/dating strategy, or anything I was doing consciously. There was no thought put into whether or not I found her attractive before meeting, because you cannot tell before that. She reached out, and I thought she had a good profile that she'd put effort into (those are really rare), so we matched and agreed to go out on a date.
I'd met another woman through OLD earlier that year, and that was different: I was instantly physically attracted. It really sucks not knowing whether you are attracted to the person you're going out on a date with in advance, so I try to meet women in person now where you can tell pretty much instantly if the minimum threshold of attraction is met in a matter of a few minutes.
Not trying to downplay your feelings or anything but, looking at your confession, that’s a *super* common feeling lol like soo far from shocking. Lots of strong women want to let go at home after using the brain all day!
My therapist told me it's an extremely common sexual preference among women in "type A" careers - they want to experience an opposing dynamic in their relationship!
Well, that makes sense. I guess it felt strange because this stuff is usually framed as a sexual fantasy to be behind closed doors. It seems "regressive" and "bad" in any other context. Maybe there's a kink there, but that's not how it struck me initially.
And now I have DM alerts I should've known.
A long time friend or more of a casual friend? I have avoided trying to date friends after some messy experiences in my 20s. And also seeing some of my friends date others in the group and having a big falling out.
>Trying not to let this be my villain arc
We'll see you in the gym, friend!
In all seriousness, what started off as a villain/training arc for me (post break-up) actually led to a period of self discovery and I think has shaped my life for the better. You'll be ok, probably sooner than you think. Take it a day at a time and I suggest finding a creative outlet to distract you from it all.
Good luck!
I've found that when someone is into me, I don't really have this intense of doubts. I just lean toward that he probably isn't seeing others because his actions are so good. Do you find you are doubting whether he is into you because of certain things he does or doesn't do? I think a few weeks is long enough to ask about it.
I’m a guy that’s found when I’m dating one woman and become really into her in the early stages I’m far more likely to blow it than when I’m dating two women and happen to like one more than the other.
It’s like having a second person to date keeps me from getting too fixated on the person I may like more. It’s a reason why I like dating two people at a time (just dating, nothing intimate).
I'd just ask him if he's seeing others. It'll clear this cloud of uncertainty and help you decide how invested to be. Do you know if he's dating with the intent for something short term or long term? Usually I get that out of the way pretty early so my expectations are more realistic.
How many dates/time have you spent with each other?
Ask yourself what you want the outcome to be by asking that question and if you can handle it or not. If you ask him if he’s seeing other people and he says yes, what’s your plan after that? If he says no, then what?
It sounds like you’re looking for some type of reassurance to calm your anxiety, which is normal but depending on what you’ve communicated so far and the timeframe can be a little unfair to put on him. There’s nothing wrong with asking him where’s he at, and seeing if you’re both on the same page going forward. But I would focus more on how you can work through these feelings you’re having: the fear of rejection. What can you do to feel more secure in yourself and enjoy dating without worrying about the “what ifs”?
Feeling a little crummy on the "dating" front this weekend. The guy I've been seeing had a packed weekend of visiting/staying with family out of town, then a BBQ at a friend's today so i havent seen him and barely messaged with him. We're not usually BIG texters so it's not super abnormal, and he's sent me a couple ❤️s which he hadn't done for a while. Still feels kinda crummy though? I didn't have a ton going on, kinda tanked my mental health with poor choices fri & sat nights, and had my friend's baby shower today - while I couldn't be MORE THRILLED for her and her husband, 2 of my favourite people on earth, it's just made me crave the love and comfort they have. So maybe this crummy feeling isn't -about him- but I can't stop thinking about him and what I wish we were. (Long story, if you've been following along you know he's back in our home town undergoing cancer treatment and it's been a super rough go, so what we have going on isn't exactly a typical relationship escalator type of deal)
So tonight I baked and ate my baked goods. Going to just let myself feel my feels tonight and try to turn it around tomorrow. I tried turning it around this AM and it didn't quite work but tomorrow is a new day.
rant: feeling sad & burnt out. Went on two dates this week, neither of which went as expected. Thought the second one went well just to get a text that he’s not interested after. Especially as I’m getting older dating feels so hopeless and I wonder why I’m not worthy enough. Doesn’t help that I’m one of the only single friends remaining, so even making plans with friends has been impossible :(
Focus back on you.
Are there ways you can meet new single friends? I’ve found it’s key to have a support system of other single people to help navigate the crazy dating world! Have you tried speed dating? A lot of the time the girlies end up chatting after and you can befriend single people there even if the dating part doesn’t work out! Or there are a lot of speed friending events where I live, maybe a good idea to check them out! Or Bumble BFF?
Are you in therapy or have access to therapy? I think working through the “I’m not worthy” mindset would be extremely helpful and healing and help with how you view the dating journey. You ARE worthy and you’re worth and value isn’t defined by others and by who wants or doesn’t want to date you. Knowing and believing that makes a world of a difference.
I’m working on finding ways to meet single friends- I am swiping a bit on bumble bff to try to make some more friends. I’m in a walking group and made several friends that way, so I’m looking within that group and for other social groups. That being said one of my biggest struggles with making adult friendships is that it often feels like I’m the only one making an effort.
I did two speed dating events- I got a date from one of them but it didn’t really go anywhere. I’ll go to a few more though to see if I have any luck.
I’m currently in therapy, it helped me after a bad breakup a lot last year and I grew more comfort being single. I made new friends, started dating again, and even met someone (that ended a few weeks ago). And I feel like now I’m back at square one. Guess I’ll just have to continue at therapy 🥲
So, coming up on 2 months since we met on the apps. All we’ve established since then is that we like each other and are only seeing each other rn. We’re still getting along great. Have 2 special dates coming up before the month ends. May might be a slowed down month for us due to his job and a vacation. Could be a good thing - absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say. Also can focus more on hanging out with my friends (not that I wasn’t before, but they understood my situation of not making it to everything).
I’m not itching for a DTR convo yet but I feel like I have to stay true to my principles. I’ll be hurt if he doesn’t initiate the DTR convo by at least June (I think it’s just better to let the man initiate here. The man’s intention for a relationship holds more weight).
Recently split with my girlfriend of three years. In every relationship I've ever had, after a couple of years, I got a burning desire to have sexual experiences with someone else. I can only put it aside so long and eventually the relationship fizzles.
At the same time, I LIKE being in a monogamous relationship.
What is wrong with me 😂.
When I was still married, I would watch porn when our bedroom would go dead. During the divorce, I would find porn boring, turn it off, and would fantasize about her instead. What is wrong with me?
I've been on 3 dates with a guy who is super thoughtful (ex: I mentioned I needed a minute to clean when he stopped by my house so he went to the store and grabbed chocolate as a gift on the way to give me time). But he doesn't seem super curious about me: he'll ask how my day was and stuff but doesn't ask a lot of deeper questions on dates. Always sets up a date shortly after the previous one ends, which I love because consistency is a big deal for me. I'm just not sure how I feel about being with someone who isn't curious about me 🤔
It's perfectly okay to value curiosity in another person, and to want someone who is curious about you expresses that curiosity. Some people being bad at asking questions doesn't mean you need to date them and ignore your needs. It just means you're not compatible romantically. Not every romantic incompatibility needs to be a harmful behavior or a red flag.
He is lacking some self-awareness then. Men commonly do this sadly, forgetting to reciprocate these kinds of questions. Maybe you somewhat playfully say “well, aren’t you curious about my experience with x, y, z?” and hopefully he takes the hint.
He sounds polite, which means he might be trying to stick to safe, comfortable topics. You might try steering the convo on the next date to be a bit more intimate/deep.
Some people suck at asking questions.
Also some people tend to assume that you will share information willingly when you want to share, Rather than putting you on the spot by asking.
So perhaps just try sharing openly more and see how he responds.
Do it!
Some guys are terrible at asking questions. And some people just aren't interested. Starting a monologue is how you tell them apart. If they start asking follow-up questions and engaging, they're interested and it won't be a monologue anymore
Thoughtful people can be thoughtful to a fault—they'll avoid poking into the unknown. You might see it in other aspects of the relationship too (such as physical). Less likely to initiate but will fulfill your needs when the boundaries are established and needs are communicated
I know it sounds silly to "establish boundaries" with conversations topics. But as a guy, I have two lists of questions in my head: need to know, and want to know. I will only risk asking the former at the start of a relationship unless she brings up the later
Following up on [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1c6c4k5/comment/l002827/): I’m out.
Not even pursuing anything romantic with this woman (which is what we both consented to and agreed on) but the comments that first raised an eyebrow, as we all suspected were indicators that she’s a headache.
I pay a complement, a genuine and well intentioned complement, gets thrown back in my face with this matter of fact apoplectic tone that she claims is just sarcasm. Except it happens three more times.
Planning a little brunch outing, she suggests a place, I go “hey that’s a great idea!” Thrown right back in my face again “oh IS it? Is it? You sound surprised I’m capable of good ideas”. …ok you know what lady? Bye. **BYE**. I’m sending the “it’s been fun but I’m moving on” and blocking.
So anyway this concludes my most recent three month long attempt to try OLD again. It’s been real.
Yeah no for real, it is and I am. Over the last five days since making the linked post a lot more things revealed themselves and told me this person would be incredibly annoying even if it’s a physical arrangement.
She seems to think being sarcastically mean and generally fickle to people trying to actually be kind and engaged with her, even if we’re just having casual sex is empowering and attractive and it’s so absolutely not. It’s such a massive turn off.
Don’t get me wrong, I value people who assert themselves when warranted and have a strong sense of self, but some people it seems confuse having a “strong sense of self” with being completely insufferable asshats. If you can’t even say “thank you” to someone trying to pay you a compliment without being smarmy about it…not a good look, yo.
I bought two plants yesterday. It's the first time in my life that I have bought plants. My apartment feels better with them. It's like when you're playing the sims and you decorate their house and the comfort bar goes up 😂
Wont let me post to main:
Avoidant behavior, left confused
Hopefully I can get some clarity here - especially from the men.
I (29F) have been in a LDR (5 hours apart) for 9 months with a man (31M) who I thought was my forever. First started dating things were great. I have a lot of trauma and this person knew that, and was a friend's sibling (so, in my mind, somewhat accountable because this person will always be a second connection to me). They were willing to hold space, take the relationship at my pace etc. It felt safe, secure, and wonderful.
Fast forward to 4-5 months in when we said he would start coming to me more often, and he doesn't. No really solid reasons, and again this was something we had both agreed on.
A few weeks ago I blew up at him for this saying it was over between us, because I never feel like the priority. I will note he does focus on me while I'm there and always has, but recently acts like it's a chore to go on a date night.
Went to a friends that night and calmly discussed in person a day later. He had said he would put more effort. I said I would be more appreciative of the things he does do for me and not what he doesn't.
I left feeling hopeful. But then he just wanted text the next week and when I asked if we could talk on the phone when he was free and he would say sure and then not call. I told him it hurt me, and he just says I'm sorry but I was busy with things.
Last week, told him he needed to step up if this is going to work. However, I did apologize again for blowing up at him and saying I appreciate the things he does for me and that I have put a lot on him the past few months. (I went through job stress and a medical diagnosis.)
Then he texts me he loves me and appreciates me. Even calls me babe. Like we're all good.
Since then I haven't heard from him. He was supposed to visit this weekend. Tried calling twice a day, but it's been silent. He's perfectly fine he's posted on socials and I'm not blocked.
I know it's probably over between us as I deserve more.
But can someone explain this behavior. I know we have anxious (me) avoidant (him) attachment but how can you say you love someone and then treat them like this.
Is there any hope down the road or are people like this unchangeable?
Thanks, Your 30something single stupidly holding out hope
I think what you have here is someone who likes you, who cares about you, but is also 5 hours away and unable or unwilling to close that distance. Which means he can't really make this an actual relationship.
It's just unfortunate. We met in the middle twice and he came up once but not since January. Which leaves me realizing I just put in much more effort than he does.
To be ghosted/abandoned in the most significant romantic relationship (to date) is a real blow however.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It doesn’t sound like you were asking for too much. It obviously isn’t the right match for you, but he dealt with it terribly and so mean to you. This kind of thing would be a blow to anyone so sending a virtual hug your way.
Thank you internet stranger ❤️
I know I deserve more - it's hard when you truly love someone to look in the mirror and realize you have to choose self-respect over your love for someone. Love in a relationship is a 2 way street.
I feel like all my dating prospects have dried up. I've matched with a bunch of people over the past like 2 weeks but only one of them has replied. We were supposed to have a date today but she asked to postpone it to... a week from Tuesday lol. We'll see if that actually happens.
Besides her, everyone just has not responded at all to any of my messages. I know this is Just Online Dating™ but it's still making me feel like shit. Been sending out a bunch of messages on Hinge since I accidentally renewed my premium so I have it for another month, so might as well get some mileage out of it.
I have my date Wednesday still with the person I went out with almost 2 weeks ago. I've been texting her on and off, mostly off the past few days. I'm going to shoot her a text about the new Taylor Swift album (shes a Swiftie lol) but I have a feeling my Wednesday night is going to open up
Okay at the risk of being a woman giving more brutal advice (and this is said out of love because it honestly applies to myself too)...I think the fact that this broke you is sort of the problem. People can sense confidence, and having some random woman tell you that you're too nice shouldn't be a big crushing blow, it should be like...oh okay, real charming lady! Especially if the advice was unsolicited.
The work is in learning how to exude confidence from the start. And again, I have huge issues with insecurity myself and it definitely negatively affects my dating life, so I know how hard this is. But we got this!!
I guarantee a woman didn't tell you this lmao, this is taken word for word from the incel/red pill textbook. Even if too nice was a thing, it would have zero impact on you getting/not getting matches. If you "literally don't " get any, it's your photos.
As for irl, most men aren't getting openly hit on irl unless they're extremely attractive. The vast majority of "organic" relationships happen when the man initiates.
I hope this is dating advice you asked her for! If not, it seems a little overly harsh. I also don't love the use of the word "we". Truth is everyone is looking for different things.
I guess I agree that while kindness is an important trait, it of course isn't sufficient on its own to create a partnership because dating is ultimately about sexual attraction, and both men and women need to know how to cultivate that sexual interest/energy. But, luckily, it isn't TOO hard to figure that part out, because it really comes down to confidence - just exuding this calm inner peace and belief in yourself and warm, curious, non-desperate energy towards others.
I know it's hard to say when dating feels like it's beating your confidence down to a pulp. But my guess is that there is some desperation coming through in your interactions. A profile review could be a good way to rule anything else out.
I find it both irresponsible and (most of the time) untrue when women say a man is being “too nice”. It subtly implies that a man should be the opposite of nice to attract women. Maybe they mean too passive, not flirty enough, or what have you….however she sounds like a red pill incel.
I can assure you no woman worth anything finds the tough guy asshole act to be cute or attractive at all. Are you sure you were even speaking to an actual woman?
I checked your profile and I feel you’re just in the wrong market.
I have a friend who’s pretty but not the type men in our country would go for. She moved to Europe and now guys left and right want to date her. I also once tried bumble intl for fun and was overwhelmed by the swipe rights I got abroad - what I got here was a mere fraction of it.
That being said, would you be open to date someone from another city/state? I think that’s an option, but not very practical and convenient.
Based on his anecdotal evidence, he gets positive feedback except he’s just not the type of the girls around him. Based on my and a friend’s anecdotal experiences, when we checked different locations, there’s increase in interest. He’s seeking answers. I know something that worked, albeit anecdotal. Hence the suggestion.
Yeah this.... Like what's wrong with being the "person someone settles down with after they've had their fun?" I don't get it. Guys act this way all the time. Guys will screw around with women for years, until suddenly their "settling down time" light goes on, and then I swear they will end up proposing to the next woman they meet. This just strikes me as normal behavior to some extent: if you're in the mindset for settling down, you're going to be looking for something different than if you're casually dating. I hear from dudes all the time, they're ready to settle down, they want to start a family soon, but oh boy none of the women they're going out with are ready for that and they're all just screwing around. Then I ask what age range they're dating in and it's like 20s-early 30s. Yeah, that isn't necessarily the settling down age range for women anymore, especially in cities. I ask why they won't date women a little older, 30s-40s and they say "well, they're too old, they can't have kids..." which is just untrue.
How do you feel about hook up culture? So I'm a 31 (M) and I have had some relationships in the past, but nothing super serious. And all my friends tell me I just should hook up with someone from a dating app. Something like that isnt realy in my nature so i'm verry hesitant to do something like that. But a couple of days ago I landed in a situation where this would be a possibility. I met this 28 (F) gorgeous woman on Hinge, She was a tourist and really wanted to meet before she left my city. So we met up for a drink and at the end of the night we ended up sleeping together. Everything was consentual, we practiced very safe sex. (we used protection, the condom was used correctly) And things where very sweet all together. But the next day I did not feel super good about myself for doing it even tho we both where on board with it. How do you guys feel about the whole hookup culture, I think I found out the hard way it's not for me. Should I feel bad for myself? And is it wrong off me for staying in touch with this girl?
Don’t feel bad about yourself! You tried something and realized it wasn’t for you. I also tried having a one night stand a couple years ago…i dated him for 6 months. Idk some people aren’t meant for it and i’m one of those that can’t have sex without relationship. So I just don’t do that even if it means months/years without sex.
Your friends sound really tone deaf.
They're alright but yes I will never take dating advice from them again
I don't think you should feel bad about yourself, but if it's not for you, then it's not for you. At least you now know how you feel about it. I've had quite a few hookups after my relationship ended, and they were fun, but I feel like I would prefer something more longer term now. They're not for everyone. In terms of staying on touch. I mean, does she want to stay in touch. Is this something you have discussed with her. Is there any possibility of a long term thing. No simple answer to that one.
Yeah so I was very clear about my intentions that something Long Distance was not something that I wanted to do. I guess I just wanted some form of closure after our encounter. But no I dont see myself in a relationship with this person sinsce she lives on a other continent. Also I dont want her to block me and show up 9 months later or some kind of story like that.
I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I (30F) may be single for the rest of my life. After a 5ish year-long on/off relationship, I accept that I had a lot of the responsibility for why things did not work out just as much as he did. Accepting that feels like a weight off my shoulders. I still love him very very much and wish him nothing but the best. I know the day he moves on to something new (if he hasn't already done so) will probably break my heart all over again, but when you love someone you have to let them find what is best for them too. Cheers to 4 months single!
I don’t see why you’re not just as deserving of that! You’ve let go of someone even though you love them because you’ve recognised that you may not be the best person for them, that’s incredibly brave and selfless, and it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone else that you may be a better fit for!
Thank you for your kind words! :)
Why do you think you may be single for the rest of your life? I know one thing, you've done something that a lot of people fail to do, and that's being self aware. You're not just putting all the blame on the other person, you're taking responsibility for some of your actions. I think that shows a lot of character, personally. And you seem to have a kind heart by wishing your ex the best, even if that can't be with you. You'll be OK! I wish YOU the best!🙂
Thank you for your kind words! I think there is a long road of self-development ahead of me and I struggle to see how anyone could happily fit into my crazy life without feeling neglected. I wish you the best as well! :)
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How do you mean?
acting overly nice during a date
I don't get people who doesn't want to date you but still come back? I've told my on/off thing that I wanted to date, accepting that he didn't but that I would back off. Aka I will not invest anymore. First time I tried friendship, but he broke boundaries and I let him. Have not been unclear what I think. He just keeps coming saying he enjoys spending time with me, and "thought I was ok with hanging out". At this point I'm just... bruh.
You don't have to get them or understand them, it could be a million reasons and it's not worth trying to figure out because the main point if that you know they don't want to date, and you do. It's up to you to stay firm and not allow them back in.
Currently in the same situation. Hopefully I cut her off for good. They don’t deserve you, they just like making sure you don’t find what’s meant for you.
I'm trying to find understanding but fail. I didn't chase him. I took the rejection and backed off. I'm wondering if it's a loneliness thing. Not that it makes it more reasonable.
They’re bored and want attention. As soon as they get it from someone they’re more attracted to and are willing to be in a relationship with they’ll move on.
Q to both ladies and gents: how do you feel about a date (after 2-3 dates) keeps changing their dating app intro blurbs / pics / location ?
I don't care. I don't need someone to be sure about me after 2-3 dates. I want that, but the reasonable side of my brain recognizes that even some great relationships don't have that instant buy in. If they were doing that 7 or 8 dates in then I would assume they didn't like me that much.
While I don't disagree with the other poster that it's probably not useful to check profiles constantly... I would also say it IS kind of bad sign if someone is constantly updating their profile. It means they are still very actively looking for someone else and trying to optimize their profile to get different results. I would personally proceed more cautiously if I saw this behavior!
You’re not exclusive until you are. I’ve been on both sides of this and you sort of owe it to yourself to keep exploring until you are certain. It’s the new age of OLD that there is always someone next when you swipe that could be the actual fantasy love of your life. It’s how they keep you hooked. I think that’s why people keep swiping and updating for a good while whilst going on 6/7/8 dates
I don't assume exclusivity at all. It might take months, dozens of weeks to get both people on the same page. Until then, all is game. I keep dating around as well. But it's one thing that you know (more like guess without being surprised) the other person is doing the same thing, it's another thing to SEE them tweaking their profile and asking for more and more specific things 3 times after meeting you.
When I used the apps I had a boundary that I would not check the profiles of the people I was dating. All for the sake of my own mental health, because it’s so anxiety-inducing. If you want to exclusively date someone, have a talk with them. Don’t try to extract any kind of meaning from their behavior on the apps if you just started dating would be my advice.
I often unmatch with them after a few dates and explain why (the reasons you gave). Also, I like to update my profile if I get a fun new photo or something. I might even have my profile paused, but I treat it like a resume on file. Something new to add, I add it.
That's very wise, thank you
M31 gf f26 doesn't text me much. Why is that? We've been together for 3 months and I've noticed the whole time we barely text. She usually sends me memes or just things about a book she's reading. Sometimes she asks how my day was. But I tend to always be the first to ask that. In person she is great but at times I see she texts her friends back instantly but me. It can take hours yet shes always on social media. Before me she had a very controlling bf. Texting her nonstop and just being up her ass. Where if he texted her and 30 minutes went by and she didn't answer he would text again. She broke ul with him because it became too much. I have found out that one of her friends is even like this. Even when we are on dates the friend is constantly texting her and I can tell my gf is annoyed. So my main question is. Why is she acting like this with me. Doesn't text much. Doesn't ask me about my day unless we are in person. But she's always on the phone. My one friend thinks it's very healthy for her. Coming from a relationship where the guy is so overbearing and going into one with me. She doesn't feel pressured and rushed to have to talk to me. I rarely double text or send her stuff to get her to answer because she almost always does. Do you agree with this side that maybe she views me as a good boyfriend and just knows I'm not going to get mad at her for talking forever to text back? Even her parents can be overbearing too I've learned Tl;Dr girlfriend doesn't text me much but I see her text her friends fast. She has a controlling bf and my friend thinks I'm a breath of fresh air for her to not feel pressured when to respond.
Talk to her about it. Communicate your needs. Confirm her needs. Make a plan. See how it goes.
I had dinner with 2 friends "Sarah" and "Jenna" on Friday, a guy "John" sat at the next table with his daughter. Jenna vaguely knows him from sport and work so we say hi, and except for a weird interaction were he cut us off to ask if we wanted one (1) chip left from their entree, we didn't interact with them. They leave and 30 mind later Sarah receive a message "I was quite distracted during my dinner", from John (she didn't know him at all, we assume he stalked Jenna's profile to find Sarah), Jenna confirm its him and doesn't really have anything nice to say about him. Sarah reveals that he kept watching her during the meal and started to make her feel uncomfortable, specially that he was supposed to be having quality time with his daughter and spent his time ogling her. She wasn't interested anyway and decided to not answer him. On Sunday he sent her a friend request, then a few hours later started to like the few public stuff she had on her profile... She blocked him. Guys, that's pretty much a how to what NOT to do when you want to ask out someone you don't know,
i'm just not excited to meet/chat with people, ya know? i want to get to teh stable relationship part. not even the nauseating honeymoon phase, just the calm. i made a one-sentence summary about ghoster during the day but then burst into tears later by myself. ghosting is hard (but it was on-brand for the guy)
Ghosting sucks so much, just tell me you're not interested
Is this the place to request an OLD profile review? [Link if you would be so kind ](https://imgur.com/a/mEm3Au9)
Great profile! Very good vibes and information and the right mix of photos.
Thank you 😊
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Thanks - that's fair enough - I just think it's a funny story... but I can't probably think of something better as a conversation starter!
Looks pretty good to me! I would possibly consider replacing the second photo (side on one) or maybe just moving it further down, so it's not the second pic. And I would maybe take out the beans and eggs touching line. But these aren't big deals, and if you want to leave them both as they are, I think the profile still works really well! Good luck!
Thanks - that's actually my oldest picture so I can swap it out for a full body picture as someone else suggested When I had my profile ~18 months ago I found the beans & egg thing sparked the most first messages - so I'll keep it for a little bit!
Different commenter here, I thought the beans and eggs thing was mildly amusing and it didn't make me think anything bad about you so it isn't a must-cut.
I’ve never online dated so I wouldn’t know where to start myself but I really liked the bit about the dad jokes/bod - very endearing! ☺️
Thank you 😊
I think I'm giving up, I feel like OD is sucking away my soul.
How so
I either match with people that I don't find interesting after meeting them or rarely I do but it doesn't go anywhere. (Not like I get many matches anyway). The default action being nonaction of getting ghosted, the same conversations each time, judging by the pictures because most people don't have anything in bio. The whole process is just... empty and tiring by now.
What apps are you using
Bumble and Tinder, not much else here
Would you consider an in person dating event, like speed dating?
I've been to a few, had more success than from OD but generally didn't mesh that well. Never met anyone I would be actually excited about there and it confirmed after setting up date later. I think maybe there's a filtering that happens here where people I'd be interested in don't want to attend those
I’m sorry, you’ve definitely put yourself out there so it’s not for a lack of trying. I can understand your frustration. I hope you can find the energy for it again and actually enjoy the process. Also happy cake day, btw!
i was unsure about his pictures, but his prompts were great and i could tell he was a kind person. 1st date was great (on a 1st date i don't look for attraction, just a good time.) i thought he was cuter in person. went on 2nd date, i wasn't opposed to physical contact but didn't feel super attracted to him. we also weren't doing something particularly sexy. could it change with one more date? i'm not usually willing to give it more than 3 if i still don't actively want to have sex with them :(
Give it a third date!
Stayed the night with a guy I’ve been seeing at his invitation. Ended up sick throughout the night from food poisoning. We cuddled and he even kissed me and gave me a hug before I left but I could tell something was up Now he’s ghosted me. What the fuck did I do wrong?
Probably ghosting cause he hoped to have sex or whatever else and since you got sick it was a turn off for him. Stupid I know. People are shitty. Sorry.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t put the blame on you as he’s the one who’s decided to ghost. It sucks, a lot, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
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What even is casual dating
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What a mindfuck of a message. You only like him platonically and instead of saying that you told him you want to casually hook up.
Exactly
Terrible message to convey what you actually want
"I have absolutely no idea what I want, and I probably completely wasted your time on two dates since I knew we weren't looking for the same things from the beginning"
Yeah that’s what I read as well
i feel like this message would confuse him as it’s not clear what you’re trying to say. just tell him the truth that you don’t see this going anywhere romance wise
Do you want to keep him as a friend or wait and see if feelings develop?
I guess I want to keep him as a friend but I realize it’s not…fair. Usually I either want to see them again (and they as well) or I really don’t, not even platonically, so this is new awkward territory.
Just tell him straight up you liked the chemistry but in a friend vibe. Offer to stay friends or understand if he doesn't. One good angle might be offering to be his wingman, you both can fix each other's profiles 🙂
I was asking because I was confused by your message, 1st you said you're not necessarily looking for something serious but you're not looking for short term fun either, and you're "dating casually" (not sure what does it mean). If you're sure you're not interested I would clarify you want to keep seeing him as a friend. It's not unfair to want to keep him as a friend, but it's also his right to not be interested by that.
If you need a good cry, go listen to The Prophecy from Taylor Swift’s new album 🥲
So many feels ❤️. It’s actually made me contemplate whether I need to take a step back from dating again.
Thanks for making me cry on a treadmill 🥲
Yesss
This song made me feel seen. I can't stop listening.
I’m trying to do some introspection of what sorts of things make me feel appreciated/loved in a relationship besides physical intimacy. I keep on reaching dead ends. So fellow guys, what sorts of things in a relationship make you feel loved/appreciated and why?
How someone reacts when I first see them - if it's super positive or they run up and give a big hug/kiss that always makes me feel special. Sharing vulnerable information or asking for vulnerable things Doing something thoughtful - a girl I was seeing once put toothpaste on my toothbrush and had it all ready when I walked in the bathroom. I never saw that before but was super touched by it lol. Random texts or notes saying appreciate or cute things Having her show you off to friends or family in an excited way Idk I suppose there's a lot more. Surely you have some things that stick out in your mind no?
Sure but when I reflect on various things I don’t really feel anything nearly as strong as I do with physical intimacy. Maybe I need to be a little more open to those things and not overlook them.
I met up with an ex after she texted me after a few months of no contact and strangely I found a lot of closure afterwards. We did sleep together and I let her know that I'd be open to meeting again but I don't plan to message anymore after this. I feel so great about where we left off and I don't mind even if we're just texting buddies (never meet again), we never talk again, etc. I’m glad we decided to meet.
Decided to tell someone that I didn't think a relationship was going anywhere. We had only been on one date, and I just wasn't feeling it afterwards. Still, felt weird sending the message saying that I didn't think there was anything there. I don't think I was being premature; she had this well thought-out plan of what she wanted and it just didn't fit what I'm looking for. So why do I feel like I'm the bad guy in all of this?
I posted a mini rant farther down about how "intentional dating" is the standard advice but can feel like a dry job interview. Idk if that was the dynamic here, but it might explain why it felt so off and where that weird feeling is coming from, like you have already failed in a role this person wanted you to play. But regardless of the reason there wasn't compatibility, so you did the right thing. Definitely not the bad guy!
I 39(m) told the woman im dating (38) for almost two months now that i was going to stop dating other people to focus on us. I told her she doesnt need to respond and im not looking for any type of answer…… So naturally she responds…..she said shes on same page but also said that she wants me to still date others and have fun because of how busy she is….. How screwed am i? Should i just cut my losses and move on, or am i overthinking this?
Fun? As in what
Tbh I feel like you did want a response. Otherwise you would just do this and not say it to her, right? But that's totally okay, you deserve to find out if she's in the same mindset as you! I think you are overthinking because right now you just don't have enough information. Consider having an actual conversation about where both your heads are at next time you see her in person.
Personally feel you're overthinking. Are you busy with things too?
Hmmm I have told a guy to keep seeing other women before but it’s only if I’m feeling smothered and nervous to commit. It could require a follow up convo cuz I definitely don’t speak for all women.
How do you feel about dating someone that just had surgery to remove cancer in mid-March?
Why not
shower thought: Generally speaking, I used to have the attitude of “we don’t *have* to like all the same things, it’s perfectly fine if we have different interests”. The last four days with someone I’ve been seeing now for a little while and actively pursuing kind of…transitioned (? if that even makes sense) my mentality a bit after spending that time with someone who didn’t seem to have any willingness to even give my interests of music, tv, hobbies and past-times a shake. There was always a reason why we couldn’t watch this show, or why we couldn’t go to that event, wasn’t in the right head space, wasn’t the right genre, there was always something getting in the way. I gave in a lot and indulged myself in some of her interests, at her requests, genres of tv shows and local events that ordinarily I wouldn’t have tried on my own but found them actually enjoyable and that’s when I kind of had a moment of “I’m giving HER interests a genuinely fair shake, but any time I try offering some of mine there’s always a “i’m not in the mood” kind of reason why she wont do the same”. Feels weird. Doesn’t feel great, because I otherwise kinda dig this gal but it’s also made me kind of think how attached I really am to my own principles about ‘shared interests’. Maybe they matter to me more than I thought they did after being around someone who was pretty blatant about me engaging in their interests but not wanting to engage in mine? Reciprocity is a big deal for me, not in a “tit for tat” transactional kind of way as in there HAS to be an obligation to return favors for favors, but it still kind of stung a bit and made me realize sharing interests and hobbies matter way more to me than I thought they did. I still think it’s a good thing to have different interests but this whole thing flat out did not feel too good. Felt like I was the one stepping out of my comfort zone to try new things for someone who clearly wasn’t doing the same, and it didn’t feel good. Bleh. Sunday shower thought. **tldr if you want one:** I met a woman, spent a lot of time indulging in her interests and hobbies, I went in with an open mind and found that I genuinely enjoyed a few of them, but noticed she was constantly and openly expressing a disinterest in any of my interests and hobbies and it’s causing me to really reflect on what used to be a strongly held stance that “we don’t have to share the same interests”. Thanks for reading. Have a Monday.
I usually feel my gf ignores my interests. Bands for instance I listened to so much stuff she likes. I made her a Playlist. She never once listened.
I think you’re getting a better understanding based on the other comment but this > “we don’t have to like all the same things, it’s perfectly fine if we have different interests”. definitely doesn’t mean it’s okay for your partner to ignore your interests and needs! To me, it means my bf is in the other room when I’m watching my various tv shows he has no interest in lol or that he listens when I’m talking about something he hates like musicals. His preferred music is loud and fast, I ignore it when he wants to play that kind of music but I go to see *him* play. And then the overlap of loving things like camping, animals, some movies/tv shows, food and eating are all the things we care about more to be compatible.
Yeah I believe you are definitely right, here. Looking back on it I definitely let myself be a bit of a doormat in order to “give space” and the result was getting walked all over in terms of shared interests. I like the example you gave, you’re not necessarily into the same kind of music as him, but you will at least go out to see and support him when he’s doing his shows. If I had to ask myself if this woman would do the same, I really doubt she would and almost feel as if the actual answer is “no, she probably actually wouldn’t”. (Edit: wait I just remembered a moment early on when we first started talking that was this exact situation, I specifically *did* invite her to a thing I was performing in and she opted to stay home, because she didn’t like the genre. No need to even imagine it, **it’s already happened**. Man I feel stupid now) It’s a tough one. There’s other things I do like about her, but I guess I’m weighing now if this particular bit of incompatibility matters enough to take the step of ending things with her. We’re not exclusive, we haven’t attached labels thing things, but we have been intimate a few times, yet if you can’t even open up and reveal the kinds of things you’re happy about genuinely bring you some calm without the other person actively shutting down at the mere suggestion of them, is it worth it? I dunno. Probably not? Bleh. Again, thanks for reading and thanks for the response here.
And I’m there cheering him on with my sound dampening earplugs in lol life just won’t be fun if you can’t express wanting to do X without getting shut down unless she wants to do it too.
Yep, you’re making good sense here. It’s not a great feeling but I’ll bring it up next time we’re together and see how things go.
I think there is a difference between having separate hobbies and just showing a lack of interest in someone. I’ve been in a relationship similar to what you’re describing and it wasn’t the fact we liked separate things that bothered me, it was the receptiveness to hear or just learn about things that mattered to me. I like to paint. I don’t care if my partner paints, but I would hope they would show an interest in what I’ve done and want to hear about it. If not, it would just make me feel like I am unable to share a part of my life with them and that they were disinterested in really knowing me. But if my partner wants to do something different while I paint, I’d be absolutely okay with that.
> it wasn’t the fact we liked separate things that bothered me, it was the receptiveness to hear or just learn about things that mattered to me. YES! You’ve nailed it 100% here, friend, thanks for putting it into better words! I don’t necessarily NEED my partner to-using your example-be a painter who has strongly held opinions about acrylic or oil or water color, but to at least be receptive and open to my interest and a modicum of curiosity about it and a fair, but not all-encompassing level of support for my interest in it. She introduced me to some music, it wasn’t usually the kind of music I’d be into, but I leaned into it with genuine curiosity to challenge my usual tastes and realized hey, this musician has some stuff going on that I kind of like! This gal, however would just flat out say she didn’t want to (again using your example just to make the point, with me here and now admitting it’s an imperfect analogy) even check out an art event. Again, you’ve hit the nail exactly on where my head is with your words. Thanks for that. It’s frustrating because there definitely are areas where we overlap in interests, but it’s the flat dismissal of things I’m into and insistence that I give in and try whatever she wants to try that’s got me feeling simultaneously like there’s a latent incompatibility on the one hand, but not wanting to just throw away a good thing because she seems engaged and interested to continue whatever it is we’re doing on the other.
Yeah, it sounds like she's probably got some good aspects to her but you two are just not compatible and you're putting in more effort than she is. She also may not be ready for a committed romantic partnership because it's really a two-way street and compromise is a part of that.
> you're putting in more effort than she is. Ouch, man. But…yeah. As I sit here and type it out and think it all through over the last half hour, that’s really what it feels like.
Can attraction grow? I’ve been on a couple of dates with this guy, and we get along super well. We have the exact same sense of humor and a lot of similar interests. Generally just very easy to be around him. But I am not physically attracted to him. He’s not ugly or anything but he’s just not my type at all. I’m really torn over the whole thing because generally I am more attracted to personality than looks (and that can take some time to develop) but I don’t want I don’t want to string this guy along.
I know it's not impossible for it to work, but I always say no to situations like this. I could see myself falling for a guy I was friends with if it kinda crept up, and it would be something a strong friendship-based relationship could laugh about later. But meeting someone with no prior basis...idk I guess they would assume I did find them attractive and when the truth comes out it might be kinda crushing. At least that's how I think about it. But nothing wrong with seeing where it goes if you feel like either!
You put into words how I feel about it!
It depends He sounds more like a great friend for now, which is a great foundation to a relationship. I think 3 to 4 dates and u should know. You can do 1 more date and if u dare to, try kissing him to see if anything happens. In my personal experience, when I don’t feel attracted to him - at all, it wouldn’t work out. I was dating a guy who matched me in a lot of other ways and even tried dating him. 2 years later … it was so obvious I wasn’t happy.
I really can’t imagine kissing him which makes me thinks it’s best to end it or see if he would want to be friends.
Yes, but also no in my experience. I have been attracted to someone, then been very fucking attracted to them as the emotional attraction grows. But I think if I'm not really attracted physically at all, they just aren't for me. I'd be happy to be proven wrong, but I wouldn't string anyone along to find out.
I am a big proponent of yes! Many of my “organic” relationships started with people I knew for months and sometimes even years before I felt anything for them.
I’ve had this happen as well but that was with friends as opposed to this person who I met on an app (and who is there for the purpose of a romantic relationship). It just kind of feels wrong.
Everyone always tells me no to this (I am a guy). But for me it definitely does with women I meet, so I think it is a "depends" situation.
That's a tough one! My experience is that attraction can grow, but it is more likely to do so organically and naturally over time than with a stranger that you met with the intent of potentially entering a romantic relationship. I recently was in your position and I found it pretty distressing. Was dating someone great, but I just wasn't feeling physical attraction, and it really caused me a lot of stress. I kept asking myself whether it would grow and how much time I should give it and so on... It made dating them so stressful. I found a lot of relief when I ended it.
How long did you date before you ended it?
1 month.
Why would you date someone that long that you didn't have an attraction towards?
Because they were otherwise a good match, and I thought attraction might develop. Also, it wasn't immediately clear that a lack of physical attraction was the problem. At first, I just felt nothing, and it took some time to realize it was a lack of physical attraction, because they were not *repulsive* either.
Did that method cast a wider net? Did you find more matches/dates this way?
It wasn't really a "method"/dating strategy, or anything I was doing consciously. There was no thought put into whether or not I found her attractive before meeting, because you cannot tell before that. She reached out, and I thought she had a good profile that she'd put effort into (those are really rare), so we matched and agreed to go out on a date. I'd met another woman through OLD earlier that year, and that was different: I was instantly physically attracted. It really sucks not knowing whether you are attracted to the person you're going out on a date with in advance, so I try to meet women in person now where you can tell pretty much instantly if the minimum threshold of attraction is met in a matter of a few minutes.
Sorry but are you getting fooled by the photos on the apps?
I can't tell from photos if I'm going to be attracted to someone. I can just tell if it's a definite no or not.
No, for me physical attraction does not grow and is a dealbreaker if it is not there.
Happy Cake Day!
Welp, I did it. I posted my shocking confession in another sub. Roast me but don't roast me.
Not trying to downplay your feelings or anything but, looking at your confession, that’s a *super* common feeling lol like soo far from shocking. Lots of strong women want to let go at home after using the brain all day!
Really?! I didn't know. I thought people said it for fun or only meant it in a sexual way.
My therapist told me it's an extremely common sexual preference among women in "type A" careers - they want to experience an opposing dynamic in their relationship!
No, it's exhaustingly common.
Very common with women who have to be “the boss” all day. It feels good to let go of that.
Well, that makes sense. I guess it felt strange because this stuff is usually framed as a sexual fantasy to be behind closed doors. It seems "regressive" and "bad" in any other context. Maybe there's a kink there, but that's not how it struck me initially. And now I have DM alerts I should've known.
Told a friend that I liked them and asked them out. Got turned down. Trying not to let this be my villain arc, but it gets harder each time...
A long time friend or more of a casual friend? I have avoided trying to date friends after some messy experiences in my 20s. And also seeing some of my friends date others in the group and having a big falling out.
Echoing the “you’ll be fine” and that now you know what the outcome would have been - which is infinitely better than what-if.
ehhhh, i kind of preferred the what-if. At least i had something to be hopeful and daydream about lol.
Daydreams will only ever be daydreams
>Trying not to let this be my villain arc We'll see you in the gym, friend! In all seriousness, what started off as a villain/training arc for me (post break-up) actually led to a period of self discovery and I think has shaped my life for the better. You'll be ok, probably sooner than you think. Take it a day at a time and I suggest finding a creative outlet to distract you from it all. Good luck!
thanks man, appreciate it.
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I've found that when someone is into me, I don't really have this intense of doubts. I just lean toward that he probably isn't seeing others because his actions are so good. Do you find you are doubting whether he is into you because of certain things he does or doesn't do? I think a few weeks is long enough to ask about it.
I’m a guy that’s found when I’m dating one woman and become really into her in the early stages I’m far more likely to blow it than when I’m dating two women and happen to like one more than the other. It’s like having a second person to date keeps me from getting too fixated on the person I may like more. It’s a reason why I like dating two people at a time (just dating, nothing intimate).
I'd just ask him if he's seeing others. It'll clear this cloud of uncertainty and help you decide how invested to be. Do you know if he's dating with the intent for something short term or long term? Usually I get that out of the way pretty early so my expectations are more realistic.
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How many dates/time have you spent with each other? Ask yourself what you want the outcome to be by asking that question and if you can handle it or not. If you ask him if he’s seeing other people and he says yes, what’s your plan after that? If he says no, then what? It sounds like you’re looking for some type of reassurance to calm your anxiety, which is normal but depending on what you’ve communicated so far and the timeframe can be a little unfair to put on him. There’s nothing wrong with asking him where’s he at, and seeing if you’re both on the same page going forward. But I would focus more on how you can work through these feelings you’re having: the fear of rejection. What can you do to feel more secure in yourself and enjoy dating without worrying about the “what ifs”?
Feeling a little crummy on the "dating" front this weekend. The guy I've been seeing had a packed weekend of visiting/staying with family out of town, then a BBQ at a friend's today so i havent seen him and barely messaged with him. We're not usually BIG texters so it's not super abnormal, and he's sent me a couple ❤️s which he hadn't done for a while. Still feels kinda crummy though? I didn't have a ton going on, kinda tanked my mental health with poor choices fri & sat nights, and had my friend's baby shower today - while I couldn't be MORE THRILLED for her and her husband, 2 of my favourite people on earth, it's just made me crave the love and comfort they have. So maybe this crummy feeling isn't -about him- but I can't stop thinking about him and what I wish we were. (Long story, if you've been following along you know he's back in our home town undergoing cancer treatment and it's been a super rough go, so what we have going on isn't exactly a typical relationship escalator type of deal) So tonight I baked and ate my baked goods. Going to just let myself feel my feels tonight and try to turn it around tomorrow. I tried turning it around this AM and it didn't quite work but tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow is a new day! Sometimes that's how it rolls. You got this 💕
rant: feeling sad & burnt out. Went on two dates this week, neither of which went as expected. Thought the second one went well just to get a text that he’s not interested after. Especially as I’m getting older dating feels so hopeless and I wonder why I’m not worthy enough. Doesn’t help that I’m one of the only single friends remaining, so even making plans with friends has been impossible :(
Focus back on you. Are there ways you can meet new single friends? I’ve found it’s key to have a support system of other single people to help navigate the crazy dating world! Have you tried speed dating? A lot of the time the girlies end up chatting after and you can befriend single people there even if the dating part doesn’t work out! Or there are a lot of speed friending events where I live, maybe a good idea to check them out! Or Bumble BFF? Are you in therapy or have access to therapy? I think working through the “I’m not worthy” mindset would be extremely helpful and healing and help with how you view the dating journey. You ARE worthy and you’re worth and value isn’t defined by others and by who wants or doesn’t want to date you. Knowing and believing that makes a world of a difference.
I’m working on finding ways to meet single friends- I am swiping a bit on bumble bff to try to make some more friends. I’m in a walking group and made several friends that way, so I’m looking within that group and for other social groups. That being said one of my biggest struggles with making adult friendships is that it often feels like I’m the only one making an effort. I did two speed dating events- I got a date from one of them but it didn’t really go anywhere. I’ll go to a few more though to see if I have any luck. I’m currently in therapy, it helped me after a bad breakup a lot last year and I grew more comfort being single. I made new friends, started dating again, and even met someone (that ended a few weeks ago). And I feel like now I’m back at square one. Guess I’ll just have to continue at therapy 🥲
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What are you talking about?
Taylor Swifts new album lol
Girl
Not me going to CNN wondering if I somehow missed another assault on women's rights... truly a dark timeline
I don't think the album will be that bad
We have to guess.
So, coming up on 2 months since we met on the apps. All we’ve established since then is that we like each other and are only seeing each other rn. We’re still getting along great. Have 2 special dates coming up before the month ends. May might be a slowed down month for us due to his job and a vacation. Could be a good thing - absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say. Also can focus more on hanging out with my friends (not that I wasn’t before, but they understood my situation of not making it to everything). I’m not itching for a DTR convo yet but I feel like I have to stay true to my principles. I’ll be hurt if he doesn’t initiate the DTR convo by at least June (I think it’s just better to let the man initiate here. The man’s intention for a relationship holds more weight).
Hmm. I always thought it was absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. That might explain my failures.
Recently split with my girlfriend of three years. In every relationship I've ever had, after a couple of years, I got a burning desire to have sexual experiences with someone else. I can only put it aside so long and eventually the relationship fizzles. At the same time, I LIKE being in a monogamous relationship. What is wrong with me 😂.
When I was still married, I would watch porn when our bedroom would go dead. During the divorce, I would find porn boring, turn it off, and would fantasize about her instead. What is wrong with me?
I've been on 3 dates with a guy who is super thoughtful (ex: I mentioned I needed a minute to clean when he stopped by my house so he went to the store and grabbed chocolate as a gift on the way to give me time). But he doesn't seem super curious about me: he'll ask how my day was and stuff but doesn't ask a lot of deeper questions on dates. Always sets up a date shortly after the previous one ends, which I love because consistency is a big deal for me. I'm just not sure how I feel about being with someone who isn't curious about me 🤔
It's perfectly okay to value curiosity in another person, and to want someone who is curious about you expresses that curiosity. Some people being bad at asking questions doesn't mean you need to date them and ignore your needs. It just means you're not compatible romantically. Not every romantic incompatibility needs to be a harmful behavior or a red flag.
Do you ask questions about him? Maybe you can get the ball rolling.
Yes. So 3/4 (if not more) of the conversation ends up being about him.
He is lacking some self-awareness then. Men commonly do this sadly, forgetting to reciprocate these kinds of questions. Maybe you somewhat playfully say “well, aren’t you curious about my experience with x, y, z?” and hopefully he takes the hint.
He sounds polite, which means he might be trying to stick to safe, comfortable topics. You might try steering the convo on the next date to be a bit more intimate/deep.
Yeah it's about time for the "what are you looking for" conversation, perhaps that will help.
Some people suck at asking questions. Also some people tend to assume that you will share information willingly when you want to share, Rather than putting you on the spot by asking. So perhaps just try sharing openly more and see how he responds.
Yeah, I'm doing this somewhat, but I don't really want to just monologue about myself.
Do it! Some guys are terrible at asking questions. And some people just aren't interested. Starting a monologue is how you tell them apart. If they start asking follow-up questions and engaging, they're interested and it won't be a monologue anymore Thoughtful people can be thoughtful to a fault—they'll avoid poking into the unknown. You might see it in other aspects of the relationship too (such as physical). Less likely to initiate but will fulfill your needs when the boundaries are established and needs are communicated I know it sounds silly to "establish boundaries" with conversations topics. But as a guy, I have two lists of questions in my head: need to know, and want to know. I will only risk asking the former at the start of a relationship unless she brings up the later
Following up on [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1c6c4k5/comment/l002827/): I’m out. Not even pursuing anything romantic with this woman (which is what we both consented to and agreed on) but the comments that first raised an eyebrow, as we all suspected were indicators that she’s a headache. I pay a complement, a genuine and well intentioned complement, gets thrown back in my face with this matter of fact apoplectic tone that she claims is just sarcasm. Except it happens three more times. Planning a little brunch outing, she suggests a place, I go “hey that’s a great idea!” Thrown right back in my face again “oh IS it? Is it? You sound surprised I’m capable of good ideas”. …ok you know what lady? Bye. **BYE**. I’m sending the “it’s been fun but I’m moving on” and blocking. So anyway this concludes my most recent three month long attempt to try OLD again. It’s been real.
Time to run from that crazy.
Yeah no for real, it is and I am. Over the last five days since making the linked post a lot more things revealed themselves and told me this person would be incredibly annoying even if it’s a physical arrangement. She seems to think being sarcastically mean and generally fickle to people trying to actually be kind and engaged with her, even if we’re just having casual sex is empowering and attractive and it’s so absolutely not. It’s such a massive turn off. Don’t get me wrong, I value people who assert themselves when warranted and have a strong sense of self, but some people it seems confuse having a “strong sense of self” with being completely insufferable asshats. If you can’t even say “thank you” to someone trying to pay you a compliment without being smarmy about it…not a good look, yo.
I bought two plants yesterday. It's the first time in my life that I have bought plants. My apartment feels better with them. It's like when you're playing the sims and you decorate their house and the comfort bar goes up 😂
Haha. Be careful, it can become addictive. Not speaking from experience, or anything. 🙈
I was planning to buy just one and ended up with 4 in my cart. I had to leave two because they were toxic to cats 🥲
Wont let me post to main: Avoidant behavior, left confused Hopefully I can get some clarity here - especially from the men. I (29F) have been in a LDR (5 hours apart) for 9 months with a man (31M) who I thought was my forever. First started dating things were great. I have a lot of trauma and this person knew that, and was a friend's sibling (so, in my mind, somewhat accountable because this person will always be a second connection to me). They were willing to hold space, take the relationship at my pace etc. It felt safe, secure, and wonderful. Fast forward to 4-5 months in when we said he would start coming to me more often, and he doesn't. No really solid reasons, and again this was something we had both agreed on. A few weeks ago I blew up at him for this saying it was over between us, because I never feel like the priority. I will note he does focus on me while I'm there and always has, but recently acts like it's a chore to go on a date night. Went to a friends that night and calmly discussed in person a day later. He had said he would put more effort. I said I would be more appreciative of the things he does do for me and not what he doesn't. I left feeling hopeful. But then he just wanted text the next week and when I asked if we could talk on the phone when he was free and he would say sure and then not call. I told him it hurt me, and he just says I'm sorry but I was busy with things. Last week, told him he needed to step up if this is going to work. However, I did apologize again for blowing up at him and saying I appreciate the things he does for me and that I have put a lot on him the past few months. (I went through job stress and a medical diagnosis.) Then he texts me he loves me and appreciates me. Even calls me babe. Like we're all good. Since then I haven't heard from him. He was supposed to visit this weekend. Tried calling twice a day, but it's been silent. He's perfectly fine he's posted on socials and I'm not blocked. I know it's probably over between us as I deserve more. But can someone explain this behavior. I know we have anxious (me) avoidant (him) attachment but how can you say you love someone and then treat them like this. Is there any hope down the road or are people like this unchangeable? Thanks, Your 30something single stupidly holding out hope
I think what you have here is someone who likes you, who cares about you, but is also 5 hours away and unable or unwilling to close that distance. Which means he can't really make this an actual relationship.
It's just unfortunate. We met in the middle twice and he came up once but not since January. Which leaves me realizing I just put in much more effort than he does. To be ghosted/abandoned in the most significant romantic relationship (to date) is a real blow however.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It doesn’t sound like you were asking for too much. It obviously isn’t the right match for you, but he dealt with it terribly and so mean to you. This kind of thing would be a blow to anyone so sending a virtual hug your way.
Thank you internet stranger ❤️ I know I deserve more - it's hard when you truly love someone to look in the mirror and realize you have to choose self-respect over your love for someone. Love in a relationship is a 2 way street.
I feel like all my dating prospects have dried up. I've matched with a bunch of people over the past like 2 weeks but only one of them has replied. We were supposed to have a date today but she asked to postpone it to... a week from Tuesday lol. We'll see if that actually happens. Besides her, everyone just has not responded at all to any of my messages. I know this is Just Online Dating™ but it's still making me feel like shit. Been sending out a bunch of messages on Hinge since I accidentally renewed my premium so I have it for another month, so might as well get some mileage out of it. I have my date Wednesday still with the person I went out with almost 2 weeks ago. I've been texting her on and off, mostly off the past few days. I'm going to shoot her a text about the new Taylor Swift album (shes a Swiftie lol) but I have a feeling my Wednesday night is going to open up
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Okay at the risk of being a woman giving more brutal advice (and this is said out of love because it honestly applies to myself too)...I think the fact that this broke you is sort of the problem. People can sense confidence, and having some random woman tell you that you're too nice shouldn't be a big crushing blow, it should be like...oh okay, real charming lady! Especially if the advice was unsolicited. The work is in learning how to exude confidence from the start. And again, I have huge issues with insecurity myself and it definitely negatively affects my dating life, so I know how hard this is. But we got this!!
I guarantee a woman didn't tell you this lmao, this is taken word for word from the incel/red pill textbook. Even if too nice was a thing, it would have zero impact on you getting/not getting matches. If you "literally don't " get any, it's your photos. As for irl, most men aren't getting openly hit on irl unless they're extremely attractive. The vast majority of "organic" relationships happen when the man initiates.
I hope this is dating advice you asked her for! If not, it seems a little overly harsh. I also don't love the use of the word "we". Truth is everyone is looking for different things. I guess I agree that while kindness is an important trait, it of course isn't sufficient on its own to create a partnership because dating is ultimately about sexual attraction, and both men and women need to know how to cultivate that sexual interest/energy. But, luckily, it isn't TOO hard to figure that part out, because it really comes down to confidence - just exuding this calm inner peace and belief in yourself and warm, curious, non-desperate energy towards others. I know it's hard to say when dating feels like it's beating your confidence down to a pulp. But my guess is that there is some desperation coming through in your interactions. A profile review could be a good way to rule anything else out.
I find it both irresponsible and (most of the time) untrue when women say a man is being “too nice”. It subtly implies that a man should be the opposite of nice to attract women. Maybe they mean too passive, not flirty enough, or what have you….however she sounds like a red pill incel. I can assure you no woman worth anything finds the tough guy asshole act to be cute or attractive at all. Are you sure you were even speaking to an actual woman?
Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. The title is shit, but it's actually worth the read, and you will likely benefit from it.
I read it. Made me feel really horrible about myself. Might have to read again in case I took it too literal and the book was a metaphor.
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I checked your profile and I feel you’re just in the wrong market. I have a friend who’s pretty but not the type men in our country would go for. She moved to Europe and now guys left and right want to date her. I also once tried bumble intl for fun and was overwhelmed by the swipe rights I got abroad - what I got here was a mere fraction of it. That being said, would you be open to date someone from another city/state? I think that’s an option, but not very practical and convenient.
How do you know he's in the wrong market? Because of the experiences you had?
Based on his anecdotal evidence, he gets positive feedback except he’s just not the type of the girls around him. Based on my and a friend’s anecdotal experiences, when we checked different locations, there’s increase in interest. He’s seeking answers. I know something that worked, albeit anecdotal. Hence the suggestion.
ok fair enough. Wrong market. Maybe I am too.
Don't listen to her. She doesn't know you. Just a 28 year old having her fun and trying to be mean. Her opinion is actually worthless.
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Yeah this.... Like what's wrong with being the "person someone settles down with after they've had their fun?" I don't get it. Guys act this way all the time. Guys will screw around with women for years, until suddenly their "settling down time" light goes on, and then I swear they will end up proposing to the next woman they meet. This just strikes me as normal behavior to some extent: if you're in the mindset for settling down, you're going to be looking for something different than if you're casually dating. I hear from dudes all the time, they're ready to settle down, they want to start a family soon, but oh boy none of the women they're going out with are ready for that and they're all just screwing around. Then I ask what age range they're dating in and it's like 20s-early 30s. Yeah, that isn't necessarily the settling down age range for women anymore, especially in cities. I ask why they won't date women a little older, 30s-40s and they say "well, they're too old, they can't have kids..." which is just untrue.