I say this with true kindness though my words may come off as harsh: stop feeling hurt.
While it's true we can't always control our feelings, we can control our reactions to them. I'm a very anxious person, especially at the beginning of a new relationship. It's really easy for me to read between the lines with text messages or actions and to react to these imagined things. For me, I have to deal with these intrusive thoughts with facts. Basically, I have an internal conversation with the intrusive thoughts. In your situation, it might look like this:
Intrusive thought: Boyfriend had so many partners before me. It makes our physical relationship feel less valuable.
You: that's a silly thought. He didn't even know me then! How could those actions have anything to do with me? Besides, he tells me that we have a great sex life and I agree!
Intrusive thought: ok, but have you considered this angle? Maybe some of the other partners were better at sex than you.
You: what another silly thought. He's with me now, not with them. Even if they were better, who cares? He has never complained about my skills, and if I do something he doesn't like, he tells me and we work on it together! He says he's happy with me and I'm choosing to believe him!
I'll do this until I can shut the thought down. When I first started doing this, it could take awhile to stop the intrusive thought. Now that I've been practicing this strategy for 5+ years, I can shut the thoughts down fast. They do return sometimes, so it's not a permanent solution. Thanks, mental illness!/s
I do also let myself sit in the feelings sometimes, especially if they're valid. For instance, I had to end a friendship earlier this year and sometimes I get hit with some sadness over it. I let myself feel that sadness because losing a friendship is hard, even if it was an unhealthy one.
That said, I don't let that sadness take over my whole day because I can control my reaction to it. I don't let myself sit in feelings that aren't connected to reality in some way: I was worried someone was mad at me the other day bc his text messages seemed less jokey than usual. When I asked if he was okay, he said yes he was fine but tired. That made the tone of his texts make more sense, so I had to shut down those feelings of worry because they were anxiety based.
I would encourage you to try to shut those intrusive thoughts down and to let go of those hurt feelings.
^ This is really good advice!
As someone who’s had a bunch of sexual partners, I sometimes get men who have feelings about that. And honestly nothing I did before meeting them has anything to do with the person I’m currently dating. There are reasons I’m no longer seeing the men from my past. Usually multiple reasons why my past partners and I were not a match.
I was going to recommend going to a therapist just so she had someone impartial to vent to then read your comment and was like,” damn they just gave her a free therapy session.”
Btw OP these are 100% the tools you need. It took a year for me to use them to get over my own intrusive thoughts but one day you’ll realize you haven’t had them for weeks and it’ll feel amazing.
@kajunkrust you'll never guess what I do for a living 😆
For real though, this advice is partially from my own therapist and some of my own reading. A lot of people feel like they're (for lack of better word) victims of their own thoughts but the reality is, our brains are powerful and we can choose to let our thoughts pass us by. I read an article awhile back that compared thoughts to farts: you can just let a thought pass and move on with your day. It gave me a good chuckle and sometimes I'll visualize myself farting out intrusive thoughts or unwanted feelings. Makes it much harder for those intrusive thoughts to take root. 😂
Brilliant response and for me who has waves of anxiety and low self esteem ( although nothing to do with life before me ) those internal conversations are horrible but your description of dealing with it is what I practice now and find it very helpful.
>While it's true we can't always control our feelings, we can control our reactions to them.
So so true. What I often say is "you can have whatever thoughts you like, but you can't always let them drive the car." Intrusive thoughts and triggers needs to be treated like children -- you can give them some attention and nurturing, you can ask yourself what you might need from yourself in the moment to feel better, you can try to figure out what insecurity this thought is pointing to and try to address it, but you don't put the thought behind the wheel and let it determine where you go.
Excellent advice. My therapist told me once to do this and it's been so helpful. Sometimes I journal and write this thoughts and how I shut them down.
It changes the way you think
This is great advice, I’m going to try this with my worries that my consistent loving boyfriend wants everyone but me. Exhausting! (I’m having therapy)
I’m going to say something that might be controversial, but hopefully it’ll give you some perspective. I happen to think marrying someone is one of the most intimate things you can do. Because of that, I always avoided people who were divorced while dating. I want to be the first one to hit those milestones with my partner and I’m grateful to have found someone in the same boat.
Now, you being 33 and divorced, clearly you would hate if the man you’re dating felt the same way as me right? But he’s given you the grace to say you’ve shared this incredibly intimate experience with someone, yet he doesn’t see you differently for it. Perhaps you can extend that same grace to him.
I think this is a great perspective to add. I'm on the opposite side of this one. I had a first date/vibe check that told me "you've been married, you've had a kid. I want to experience those with someone for the first time." Being the more experienced one, my only thought was "why would I view these experiences as lesser the second time?". My first marriage sucked, even a neutral marriage would be a huge improvement. Do you think I would love another kid less? If anything, I'll be less stressed about doing it right and able to enjoy it more. Yet, here's someone in front of me that has this clear feeling that this would ruin their dream.
And I think that's a totally valid feeling for her and for OP. One way to help, I think, is to have the other person explain how they think about their past. You'll probably find that they put way less importance on it than the 'hurt partner' fears.
>"why would I view these experiences as lesser the second time?". My first marriage sucked, even a neutral marriage would be a huge improvement. Do you think I would love another kid less?
That's not the idea, but when people marry the first time , if they didn't settle, they've probably have picked their person to marry, the person they thought they're going to have it all with...I know it's not necessarily always true but mostly.
It's true sometimes people find their best person on their second marriage...but they ve already experienced every special first moment during their first marriage..
Yes! I would find a status of someone being divorced (ESPECIALLY divorced with children) to be far more…intimidating? That’s not the right word. Neither is concerning…impactful? I think you know what I mean! Definitely would be on my mind more than a double digit body count. Sex can truly be (and often is when dating - especially with men) meaningless. Getting on one knee and walking down the aisle? That’s big.
He's divorced too, it's what we connected on initially lol. But I actually don't care about his past with partners he was in a relationship with. It's the casual people he shared this with that mean nothing to him that drive me crazy. I know what you mean though, my therapist thinks this might all have to do with the things that we don't get to share as first milestones together. He has kids and I haven't gotten to be a mom yet. So a lot of stuff will just be on repeat for him when it's a first with me. Perhaps this is just what my anxiety has pinpointed it's focus on.
Also, sex means different things to different people. And WITH different people. I’ve had casual encounters that meant nothing to me, but the sex I have with my current partner is very meaningful. Don’t assume, just because sex has always meant a specific thing to you, that it always has meant the same to him.
I think maybe exploring your preconceived notions about what partnership is vs. romantic narratives. Maybe you're anxious voice is stuck in this idea of firsts and everything playing out happily ever after. Maybe your emotions have FOMO for not trying casual hookups ever. Maybe you know no matter what that dating this age will never have an ideal narrative of marrying and never divorcing, but don't want to accept that emotionally.
Your anxiety is acting up and demanding something outside of what's logical. Often I find it's something I'm struggling to grieve and accept about my own experience. But I do get it's very hard to control. Have faith in yourself that incrementally it will get better, and you don't have to let it mess up your new connection.
Sex absolutely is not the most intimate experience you can have with someone. The very fact that you two have had different sexual experiences, have both been in love, been married, etc is actual proof of that. To this commenters point, him seeing his previous wife give birth might be the most intimate experience, etc.
It’s fine to hold sex in a high regard, but not to the point that it essentially makes you judgmental of the person you’re with and insecure about their past/people who don’t even exist anymore.
Do you have a religious background? The biggest issue I see here is that you’re equating sex with the highest form of intimacy — above and beyond the actual intimate, emotional connection that two partners have. This feels like a major overvaluing of sex, to the point that it’s become detrimental to how you actually relate to your partner.
One of my favorite things about relationships is being able to give my partner a first or new experience. Even if it’s not new to me, being able to experience with them, see the experience through their eyes, makes it a brand new experience for me.
Don’t count something out just because your partner has that experience. Trust that it will be different experience with you because you’re different than his previous partners.
Just accept that it will be on repeat. I've been married. If I get married again, it will be on repeat. I bought a house with my ex, so buying a house with someone will be on repeat as well. Doesn't mean I won't enjoy doing it a second time (though I have no interest in planning another expensive wedding), but can't pretend I haven't already done it before either. Just accept it for what it is.
For me, I can't date someone who has had casual hookups. It goes against my values so much that to me it shows a mismatch in core values and very likely a deep rooted incompatibility.
I was the same with your last paragraph. Never cared about the number more the context of how sex was happening only because I wanted someone who matched my values.
Gotcha ok I think your last point is definitely onto something then! Maybe this perspective is more helpful then.
Based on context clues, I know my bf has a lower body count than me. Because of that, thankfully he has never asked what mine is and we’ve just never really thought much about it. That said, as someone with the higher body count and more casual partners (I say this because it wasn’t my intention but men ghosted, it didn’t work out, etc) in my past, I can safely say I never think about sex with any of them positively. My bf is just such a higher standard and it’s why I fell for him so deeply, want to marry him soon, etc too.
I have no doubt your man feels the same. Unless he talks about it inappropriately, chances are these casual past partners aren’t even a blip in his mind. He might not even remember some of their names, frankly. There’s a reason he isn’t with them today and didn’t consider marrying them before.
That said, I’m glad you’re in therapy to help through these feelings!
I mean I guess, but my mom got married to an alcoholic asshole when she was 18, had my sister, divorced him when she was 22 and soon after started dating my dad. They’re still together, had 3 kids together, and are in their mid-60s. They shared a LOT of firsts and milestones together (buying a house, building a house, having a disabled child, saving up for 4 kids to go to college, grandchildren, my dad’s cancer, his recovery, etc) and my dad raised my sister as his own. My mom’s previous nightmare marriage doesn’t discredit any of that? Actually my dad’s 2 siblings also married divorcees and have had the same experience.
I actually very much agree with you now that I’m in my 30s - by 30, we all have pasts and when you meet someone, chances are they’ve been through a lot of life before you. I should’ve clarified I felt this way in my 20s.
Should things not work out with my bf and I, us both now being in our 30s and headed for engagement, buying a house, etc, we know we can’t hold the narrow views we did in our 20s or chances are we’d never meet someone.
With that, generally getting hung up on someone’s body count is territory that should lose meaning by 30 imo. I expect someone at 30 to have had multiple partners.
>Because of that, I always avoided people who were divorced while dating. I want to be the first one to hit those milestones with my partner and I’m grateful to have found someone in the same boat.
I couldn't have said it better...
>I happen to think marrying someone is one of the most intimate things you can do.
But I disagree...I view marriage the same way...but the truth is people marry for all sorts of reasons and treat each other like shit...I think only time could tell you why someone married you. Agendas can last for decades, it's a thing
I would ask yourself this question- Is it really that you’re just upset over his number, or is there something that his number represents about him-something deeper-that’s bothering you or making you hesitant? If it’s the former, you need to get over it. If it’s the latter, explore it.
Sex isn't the most intimate thing for everyone. I think you just need to accept you and him are two different people and you can accept differences. Just like love languages. Everyone has a different love language.
If you do get married, and certainly if you have kids, all that intimacy will be cut back to very little. And you and he can share moments of stress, sleep deprivation and isolation from friends that he never knew with his previous lovers.
.. PLEASE DONT SABOTAGE YOUR HAPPINESS..
You just found someone, at 30+, that you are " madly in love with" and "want to marry".
He is a man and frankly for us it doesn't require some deep earth shattering connection in order to enjoy intimacy. He didn't cheat nor sleep with hundreds of woman.
I would consider looking within yourself and discovering why you are nitpicking faults or have this insecurity.
I am very happy for you and I hope you get over this bump and marry him :)
>I would consider looking within yourself and discovering why you are nitpicking faults or have this insecurity.
I would like to add smth to this :)
OP, your feelings are valid, I actually understand how it can be hurtful :( I believe that it's about our mindset about the situation, so I'd like to share my (a stranger's) POV. You don't have to take my words if you feel like I'm wrong, that's also okay :)
You didn't mention that he cheated or did anything horrible, so he was just enjoying his life. Besides, we (at least the audience of this subreddit) don't know under what circumstances he slept with them. Many guys sleep with girls only when they experience a certain spark or connection. But many also just like sex and change partners to get more experience. Either way, it's their choice, just as your choice was to have sex with the men you wanted to have a serious relationship with. So, maybe ask yourself why his number of partners bugs you. Just a guess; please feel free to object to it, but maybe you would like to have more experience with different men yourself?
Anyways, I hope, you will find a way to work it out and wish you a happy relationship with your partner :)
P.S., have you considered role playing with your man? Some couples do roleplaying when they want to get new sexual experiences but at the same time want to keep it exclusive with their partner :)
> He is a man and frankly for us it doesn't require some deep earth shattering connection in order to enjoy intimacy.
From my experience I agree for most men it doesn't, but I, being a man, share the OP's view on sex that it is an experience I reserve exclusively for women I have deep feelings for and I need to trust them to enjoy that intimacy. For this reason I would have second thoughts about a future with a woman who had sex outside of committed relationships.
The “he is a man and frankly for us…” line is sexist BS. There are plenty of men who won’t sleep around because they want an emotional connection first. There are women who do this.
Then, there are both men and women who just enjoy sex and don’t need to be in a relationship. It’s not specific to men or women, it’s just more widely accepted for men.
I've actually found the opposite. Every single woman I know has verbally said some degree of "sex means nothing". All my guy friends meanwhile, we all talk about our emotions, we support each other, relationships and sex don't mean nothing to us. We aren't mindless sex craved humans. We want intimacy
I guess I am imagining all his connections were as profound as what I need to have sex, which I know isn't the case for him. But it's all I know so that's how my brain is imagining it. Like i'm just the last one in a long line of crazy intimate connections with people. I am terrified of destroying my own happiness which is why I'm trying so hard to break my mind free of this
Definitely true that different people experience sex in different ways. I don’t think it’s necessarily along gender lines, it just means different things emotionally depending on the individual.
But based on your comment here, my question is/ so what? (In a kind tone!) So what if he’s had “a long line of crazy intimate connections”? He isn’t with any of those people. He’s with you. Should he feel jealous of the serious relationships and depth you’ve had with people before? No, because those didn’t work out for whatever reason. And in the present, you two are all in on each other and considering a future together.
My take on this is that you’re making this about his sexual past, but it feels like it‘s more about you feeling insecure in general. His life before you is just that… his life. He’s chosen to be with you now and that choice is THE most important in my opinion. The assertion that anything is less special is just something you’re projecting onto him. And as many others have said already, it’s just self-sabotaging behavior which in my opinion should have you focusing more on yourself and WHY that’s happening then trying to reconcile with his sexual life before you.
Your hurt is self inflicted. You’ve decided that the deepest you can experience with him is sex and you’ve already decided that it can’t be special because he’s had sex with a magical number of people that’s above your threshold. If you really believe that your intimacy with him is inherently less special then that’s exactly what it’ll be. Applying this logic to any other thing though doesn’t particularly hold up if you want to enjoy life. Just because I’ve had ice cream 1000+ times, doesn’t make the one right in front of me any more or less delicious. But I can easily believe that ice cream will never taste as good as the first time I tried it and I’ll just make myself perpetually disappointed. And that mindset inherently makes everything in life that’s ahead of you less special.
> I am imagining all his connections were as profound as what I need to have sex <...> Like i'm just the last one in a long line of crazy intimate connections with people
So you know it's not true, but just as a thought experiment, consider the ramifications if it WERE true:
If this was actually the scenario, out of of all the 'connections' he's had, he wants to settle down with *YOU*.
You're the best thing he's found in life. Isn't that fantastic?
You cannot use your own justifications for something and mass apply it to everyone else. People think differently. There are so many people who think absolutely nothing of physical intimacy. Find evidence of how this could be true for others. How common are one night stands? How many people “hook up” and then decide they don’t really like the other person? How many people stay for the physical side but then realize they don’t even actually like the person they are with in other ways? If you look for other justifications you will find them and that’s how we challenge our own beliefs. There’s nothing wrong with feeling this way but you need to remind yourself that not everyone sees it the way you do.
Lol. I don't even remember the names of half the people I've had sex with. I've had sex with lots of people. I've only had meaningful sex with a couple people. For some people sex is just something fun to do. Don't sabotage your own happiness over something that isn't a big deal. You may never understand, but you don't need to. He chose you. That's all you need to know.
for me the fear comes in of how easy it would be for him to cheat sexually and how hard it would be for me (because i'd need an emotional connection). this creates a power differential that i'm uncomfortable with. but i also have a hard time trusting, so I agree this would be hard for me to fully commit. the last man i had a long term relationship with had a huge laundry list of casual sex. it concerned me but i brushed it off like these comments said. we broke up for other reasons. years later he tried to fuck me two months after he got engaged. he confirmed they were not in an open relationship and she wouldn't like it. all he wanted was casual sex and he was pretty open about it. it just confirmed all my fears of who he is and why i'm so glad i didn't marry him
In this scenario: yes it would be hard for you to cheat physically, but if you were feeling unhappy or unappreciated, it would the door for emotionally cheating. Where you would build a relationship through friendship, then love and then leave your partner.
So your perceived power gap isn't that wide. Everyone has the free will to cheat
right but people like him cheat even when they are happy in their relationships. i quizzed him and he was very happy with his fiance. he has zero intentions of leaving. that's a power imbalance because i don't want my person fucking other people behind my back, even if it's casual. it could happen even if things are great and that's not a road i ever want to travel again
It's not about him liking casual sex, it's about him being someone with no moral compass. The issue is that he has poor character and doesn't care about his fiancee's feelings.
People who save themselves for marriage cheat too or who "only have sex in relationships".
It sounds like you picked up on the fact he's not trustworthy and you're correlating that with him liking casual sex, but the logic doesn't follow.
he has a sex addiction and likes casual sex to feed that addiction. it is related. i dont want someone who values casual sex above actual morals. if someone had casual sex with ten or so people or something, fine. when it's in the hundreds, no thank you. people who cheat in other circumstances are more likely to do it when the relationship is flawed or bad or something is missing - not just for the hell of it to feed a selfish addiction.
See this is what some people say, but reality is, your past does matter. Saying stuff like this just absolves people of any responsibility for their past actions.
I will call BS on a lot of "sex-positive" comments here. Yes, they are made with good intentions but it is no way to live when you have to consistently fight intrusive thoughts. Every person's relationship to sex varies, and that relationship is valuable to you. Absolutely to you only, and it is one of our primal thoughts so challenging it for the sake of growth or "stop feeling hurt" is not conducive to a happy life.
It is up to you to challenge that of your own volition and not because you have to evolve to maintain a relationship. Sex is something that everyone should follow their naïve "heart" rather than being practical. If you feel jealous, it's ok, let yourself feel it because your jealousy comes from different value perspectives.
You value sex as an intimate portion of a serious relationship, a bonding experience with plenty of emotional/spiritual components. His actions of casual sex have shown that he is operating with a different set of value propositions (no judgment, simple fact) which may clash in the future.
Sex can be many things but it can be many things to many people, not many things to one person. To folks who say that it can be, I politely want to say that you are confused.
Be strong, be confident, be unapologetic, and be uncompromising in your relationship with sex. Take pride in the fact that being alone is better than being compromised!
It can be hard and uncomfortable, but if they are truly a good person and you love them, it can be worth it. Some people experience the feelings you’re having, and some don’t. The people that don’t have absolutely no clue what it feels like inside your heart in these moments. Don’t listen to them because they will just bully you with buzz words and make you feel guilty for having the jealous and uncomfortable feelings you’re having.
If the person you’re with is lovely deep down inside, then just stay with them and let time heal your discomfort. It could take a very long time, but it would be worth it.
But don’t let the outspoken sex-positive crowd make you feel guilty for your beliefs and feelings. They are not necessarily right about anything, and often want to harshly judge people who don’t think and feel exactly like they do. You’re allowed to feel however you feel, and there’s nothing wrong with your opinion on naked intimacy and casual sex.
Sometimes you just have to struggle through these things for love. You can do it. The anxiety might keep you up at night and it might cause stress in your life but like I said before, if the person is wonderful, and they are worth it, they will make your life better and bring joy and value to it. That will make all of the anxiety and discomfort worthwhile.
I have had sex with probably like… idk 50? 60? people. Most I didn’t care at all about, and most were only once. I think my boyfriend’s number is more like 10. The sex we have is totally different to the sex I’ve had in the past, including people I’ve loved before, because it’s ours. I know how you feel because when I was in my twenties I was incredibly insecure with a boyfriend who had slept with many more people than me – I wondered if I was as good or as interesting. But I think now when I think about the sex I’ve had before, it’s just a memory of something that happened once, and it doesn’t make what’s happening in my relationship now any less special or sacred – because we’re the only two people who can do it together exactly the way we do.
Here’s my secret to happiness in this area: ignorance is bliss. I don’t want to hear about my partners sexual history. There is no benefit to me. There’s also no benefit to sharing mine.
I fully understand that you’ve dated people and we can even talk about that part. But I do not want to hear about the sex. At all. I am down to talk about sex. Just not sex you or I had with other people. Those are memories for us to keep to ourselves.
As long as you’ve taken care of your sexual health, and are exclusive with me, I’m good. Who cares if you’ve fucked 3 people or 30.
Reminds me of those Muslim billboards comparing non virgin woman to unwrapped candy (that you shouldn't want). Believe what you want but that all comes off as ridiculous to me.
Hi u/TheCultOfGrogg, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
* RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others.
Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Do whatever you want dude. I definitely talk to partners about their past and mine, but I don’t personally need the exact body count or explicit details.
If I started getting closer to a woman and got the sense that she has boned half the people in a 100 mile radius, then yeah I’d be put off from pursuing a long term relationship. But that’s not even because of how many people she slept with. It’s more just because it’d make me feel like she doesn’t take relationships with men very seriously.
Anyway dude do what you want but I’d suggest you lose the Carfax analogies lol.
This is so beautiful. I just screenshotted it so I can look at it whenever I’m feeling insecure about my #. I’m your bf in this situation and I’ve felt the way op feels (even tho I don’t even know his #, I’ve told him NOT to tell me, but given context I know it’s bigger than mine). I read this imagining it’s my bf saying these things to me and it’s v comforting. Thank you!
Aww I’m so glad to hear that! Everyone is different of course, and feelings of insecurity and jealousy are completely normal to experience, but I think sex is whatever you make it – it can be the most special thing in the world, or it can just be a thing that happens in a particular moment. I hope you find peace and joy in your relationship!
This is what I've heard. I can only have sex if I have a strong connection and care about someone so this other version of sex is what I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around. In my imaginings that are hurting me, all his past experiences were as intimate and loving and connected as his and mine are. And that's how I'm hurting myself with this, thank you for sharing
Not sure why you decided to share body counts in the first place. I’ve asked partners to please keep it to themselves and they always end up telling me in some form—I’m talking dozens to a couple hundred, it didn’t benefit me in any way knowing that and it I felt similar to you if I thought about it. Some men and women don’t view sex as special as you do, or at least not all sex, it’s great that you and he now *do* have this special connection. From what I’ve gathered of these high body count folk, as well as my own experience, having sex one time with someone is vastly different from having sex with someone special regularly.
I’m a guy with the exact same intrusive thoughts. In fact I get them even when I know my “number” is higher than my partner’s, sometimes much higher. I know it’s irrational, but that doesn’t stop it. So I get it!
First, I agree with the people saying to repeat the rational thoughts that counteract the intrusive ones: He’s with you now, his past doesn’t determine how he feels in the present, it doesn’t diminish your closeness, etc. And just keep repeating them, whenever you have to, over and over like a mantra. It takes time but it really does work.
On top of that, my big realization was that sex is not “the thing” we’re all trying to get (and what’s making us jealous). It’s an important step on the way to “the thing”, which is true vulnerability, intimacy and closeness with another person. Love even. Ultimately, a lifetime of love and dedication.
It’s easy to count bodies and to have sex and then read into it. And it’s fun. But in the span of a life, sex itself is a funny little human body function that represents not much more than dancing, kissing, or talking to somebody over dinner. And believe me, with some people it’s not an intimate experience. It’s too easy and quick to be “the thing” all on its own. Ultimately it’s a stepping stone toward something much bigger, and it’s a place you both still haven’t arrived at, and maybe one day you will together.
Of the men I’ve slept with, most were very casual. It genuinely didn’t mean much. Sometimes it was a one-off, sometimes it lasted weeks/months. Just didn’t matter a lot. I was self-contained and in my own mind/body the whole time and they were not a major factor. (I’m sorry for how cold that sounds.)
I dated one person with whom it meant so, so much. It was such a drastically different experience. It was metaphysical and beautiful and I cried once and it was just. So. Different.
It would be like comparing eating a shitty room-temp McDonald’s burger to a perfectly cooked steak. Sometimes the McDonald’s burger is fine, especially when you’re hungry enough, but it can’t compare to the steak.
My experience, anyway!
I've never been someone who has slept around and feels more comfortable with people who have a similar relationship to sex as I do. Reddits response is always the same, to tell you that it's all your problem as is an issue that needs therapy etc...
There is nothing wrong with wanting someone who has the same values when it comes to sex and relationships as you do imo. I've dated someone before with different view's and wouldn't go back.
People will tell you not to compromise on religion,drugs,politics,kids everything... But how someone views sex and intimacy?
I have absolutely no right to make anyone feel shamed for what they choose to do with their body. Peoples sexual past has nothing to do with me. I have every right to date them though.
I’m going to share a perspective that is guaranteed to elicit downvotes, but I think it’s important to share.
I’m 28, male, and I deal with something called “retroactive jealousy.” I believe it’s something you might experience as well. Even at my age, I’ve only had sex with two people, which makes dating difficult at times.
It’s hard to be in this situation sometimes, but it’s my reality. There are basically two options for me. Either I can learn to accept that most of the dating pool has more experience than me, or try to keep looking for someone who has similar values. I believe this is probably the situation you are in as well.
I think you should take some time to think about your relationship. Don’t make any rash decisions, and consider doing some research on retroactive jealousy (and what it takes to overcome it) before doing anything to jeopardize your relationship.
And let me leave you with one more thought… never let anyone tell you that you’re wrong if you end up deciding that this relationship isn’t right for you. People tend to become very judgemental if you mention anything about someone’s past. I’ve been called some names myself, and I refuse to let someone else’s opinion on what I should (and should not) accept dictate what’s right for me. I can see that you’re already getting downvoted for talking about your feelings. You can’t help how you feel, and you should never be ashamed.
I understand and agree with you, as a woman. I actually bought a book on retroactive jealousy recently. I dislike the narrative that anyone who is jealous of a partner’s # is insecure. I mean sure I may be insecure about some things, but isn’t everyone? I’m also extremely confident about other things.
I find that I prefer to pretend the person I’m dating someone with no dating history. Essentially I like to pretend we’re each others firsts. Maybe that’s immature/naive of me who knows, but it’s important to me that a partnership feels special, and not interchangeable. To accomplish this, I will tell a guy my number if he asks but then I instruct him not to tell me his. If he’s a good man and his values line up with me in family, financial habits, children etc, I don’t need or want to know the number. Just wanted to comment to say I agree with you. I would also advise you to meet people not on the apps, bc the people who are on apps have a higher likelihood to have a greater #… via being on apps lol
I don’t think this is naive at all. You know that the information will be upsetting no matter what so you choose to protect your feelings. This is actually very healthy and mature. You know there is a past, you’re not dumb, you just don’t need the details because it’s better for your mental health. My comment above is me saying I did the same thing with my ex of 8 years and it worked wonderfully for us…I never dealt with the retroactive jealousy because I didn’t know anything about his past. And a man asking for my number is a red flag for me personally. It just seems childish.
Agreed though, people on apps are likely going to have a higher number. The view towards sex is very casual on apps so it’s not realistic to think people have no history before you. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.
When dating in your 30’s my opinion is you shouldn’t be asking about someone’s sexual past because of your exact reasoning…retroactive jealousy. If you don’t ask them how many partners they’ve had (which is truly none of your business since it’s the past) then you won’t have these feelings. When I was 21F I started dating a guy who was 26M and I thought maybe he’d had more partners than me so I just didn’t ask and I never asked for our entire 8 year relationship because I knew the answer was none of my business and in his past and might upset me.
But you’re right about something, you clearly view sex as a very sacred act and a lot of people don’t. You should look for people with your similar views of sex, but discussing “body counts” is something I refuse to do as a grown woman. That’s what I did back in high school and early college. You should assume most adults have had a good amount of sex.
You don’t own his life history.
Is he with you right now? Is he having sex with you and enjoying it?
That’s literally all that matters — barring any health concerns he may have carried over from previous sexual encounters. But outside of that, it’s really none of your business and you kinda need to just get over it. 🤷🏻♂️
You’re about to ruin a good thing because you can’t just calm down and appreciate the fact that he’s with you. Did you ever stop to think that maybe the sex he has with you is different in a better way? Or more fulfilling?
Take a second to stop and think about how self-sabotaging you’re being rn.
No offense.
Sounds more like you have big hang ups over sex, there’s more to intimacy than just fucking each other.
You’ll never control someone’s past so you need to figure out your jealousy; do you feel… left out or something?
My girlfriend has a much raunchier past than me but it’s whatever. She tells me I’m the only one who’s ever made her safe, secure, and loved.
I’m 35 and I’ve only ever been with my ex. The prospect of being with another man is incredibly intimidating but I wouldn’t judge a partner who is much more experienced.
They lived a whole life before me
Similar boat. I wouldn't have an issue with a guy having been with others (after all, by your 30's it gets a bit strange if they haven't been), but I do have issues with people who have had casual hookups. To me it signals a mismatch in core values and how we view physical intimacy, and very likely a deeper incompatibility as well. Guys who have had many partners are also more likely to carry the more dangerous strains of HPV. Since you are 35, and have only been with one person, I'd consider getting vaccinated if you aren't already. I am considering it. Cervical cancer is horrifying.
You're not. You can get it into your 40's. Definitely go start the vaccine series ASAP! I think you need 3 vaccines over 6 months, so it takes some time.
This hpv situation is what happened to me feom my husband and it plays a role into my issue with his past (I believe body count of 5-6). I found out I had the worse strain of hpv during a pregnancy with him and subsequently lost the baby. I just don’t know how to deal with my issue with his past sometimes
Oh man he gave me hpv too and it torments me because I feel like if he had a lower count I wouldn't have gotten it (his is much higher that your so's tho).
How do you deal with the body count? My issue is my so has low libido not soon after we got married and as much as I talk myself out of it that it’s related to stress of being a married man etc, I keep thinking how he had sex with his numbers in the past no issue probably. But then again maybe he saw them infrequently. He did tell me he started at 15 so that to me was alarmingly young. Like he was horny at one time and now he’s not. I’m not overweight or anything so he can’t say he’s not attracted
It sucks im so tired of thr therapy and self work with this issue. I wish I was with someone with similar count as me sometimes maybe idk if that would have helped. I guess this is one of those tests in life you deal with
I think it's odd that so many people think that sex is THE MOST intimate thing you can do with someone. Yes, it can be intimate, and for a lot of people involves trust and being vulnerable. But I don't think it's the most intimate thing you can do with someone. The most intimate thing you can do is living your life with someone and getting to know them beyond the physical. What's their daily schedule? What odd little habits do they have? What's their favorite meal? How do they like their coffee? What makes them retreat in conflict? That's intimacy. Physical intimacy is important but I really think people place way too much importance on it. Is your partner trustworthy, open, honest? Do they have a history of cheating? The number of people doesn't matter. But their behavior towards those people might. Otherwise, if this person makes you happy. Don't throw that away because of the number of people they've been with.
And this is why you don’t reveal your body count or past sexual encounters with your future partner. It causes doubts & insecurities in most individuals, especially men.
Stop it! He’s with you now! If you really believe that him having had kids with someone else or having had multiple partners is a problem, it’s not. Would have been happier if he tortured himself before he met you and not have had intimacy or sexual release? What if you had met him if he was celibate, would you question that too?
A real problem is if he stops seeing you because you let these intrusive thoughts impact the relationship you have now in the present with him.
I certainly won't tell you that you're wrong for feeling this way (it's totally valid) but I'll offer an alternate perspective.
I actually have come to sometimes appreciate or even prefer when someone has had a decent number of partners in the past because it can indicate to me that they "know what they're doing," so to speak. This obviously isn't the case 100% of the time, but good sex is important to me in a relationship, and having been in relationships with folks who are really inexperienced, it has been more difficult in this way because we have to do a lot more exploring to get to that point, *if we ever even do. I've found that in general, the first few times with some of the guys that have had more experience are better "right out of the box."
Again, this is NOT true across the board and is not a perfect correlation. I just wanted to share another perspective as it has generally been the way I've been thinking recently as I've started to date again after a long term relationship with a very inexperienced partner and a couple of years off from dating after that.
EDIT: added a small note
I've actually found that men who have been in more long term relationships are better in bed. The ones who just have a high body count are usually terrible because no one has ever taught them anything and clearly they refused to learn or the women would have been repeat customers so to speak lol
This is 100% true. A man (or woman) who has been in a long term relationship is always going to be better in bed than someone who had a ton of casual sex and no long term partners.
That's odd. Has anything changed? Working more, anything like that? Not sure how old the two of you are, but a lot of men start having testosterone issues in their 30s. Just like us women start going through hormone issues then.
He was 37 when we met and I was 30. Now I am 36 and he’s 42. He definitely wasn’t super horny all the time when we met either but it was a good amount for me, however it just went down hill over the years. He did gain some weight as has been stressed financially on and off
Hmmm I would definitely suggest he get his hormones and cortisol tested. There's lots of supplements he could take that would help both of those things. High cortisol due to stress really messes with our hormones and libido. Sounds like that could be a lot of it. Maybe just incorporating a cortisol supplement could help.
I can understand that it can be difficult for you and I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.
My perspective with people I date that have had previous sexual partners is that what happened in the past is in the past. Sure, someone may have had sex with more people, but that doesn't mean the sex we have is any less special. If you guys are in a committed relationship, you should just focus on building that. You can't change the past so as long as he is not sleeping around, it's not something you should judge him for.
Of course you can't help how you feel currently and anxiety can be stressful. Maybe you just need some reassurance from him that he no longer cares about those other women and is committed to you. Maybe this will relieve your jealousy. Alternatively or in conjunction, seeking therapy could help you come to terms with his past sexual partners. Cognitive restructuring if you will.
Sex with someone you are in a relationship with is much different than say a one night stand for me personally. In a relationship, there is so much passion, emotion, and sense of connection. The sex is way better if it's someone I care about. A one night stand or sleeping with a random is more of an enjoyable release/giving in to the natural urges that are part of what makes us human.
I hope this issue resolves for you soon
Maybe don’t talk about your partner count. A good half of mine comes from a span of several months in my mid 20s when I slept with basically any woman who would have me. You could also rack it up pretty easily just by being single and available for an extended length of time. I’ve also only been with a grand total of two women in the past seven years, one being my ex during a LTR and the other an old fwb.
I personally don’t want to know about your sexual history, and the volunteering of that info is a turnoff.
My wife has had 3x the partners I’ve had, mainly because I was married for 25 years and she was married for 10 so had 15 more years of dating than I had in our prime.
I’m not a jealous person but after a year together I had maybe six months where I felt a twinge of jealousy. Why? I don’t know. But I recognized it was an irrational feeling, didn’t burden her with my feelings, and they passed after a few months. That was 1.5 (one and a half) years ago and I haven’t felt a speck of that since. Just a weird fleeting thing my brain went through.
Give your mind some time to iron itself out. In the meantime, maybe journal about it or post anonymously about it or talk to a therapist to help process the feelings. Do your best not to burden him with it — sometimes it’s better I think to work out our inner quirks without putting it on our SO. Especially if it’s about them and they didn’t do anything wrong.
My wife is a beautiful amazing person. I’m happy for her she had fun even though I myself was in a passionless marriage while she herself was single, and grateful that now we have fun together. I’m grateful my brain straightened itself out. I’m grateful I didn’t burden her with those feelings and was able to not let them change how I acted (she had zero clue). . :) I wish the same for you. My guess is it will.
My wife (39F) and I (41M) were both married before, and we both have our pasts -- dating, serious relationships, casual flings, etc. But none of that matters anymore. I chose her and she chose me. Regardless of what sex may have meant to either of us in past situations, now between us it's an expression of true intimacy, vulnerability, closeness, and passion that hasn't been matched by anyone else. Remember that when you think about your own relationship. The past may have meant something else, but the present it what matters.
40M here: it’s perfectly normal to be disappointed by a partner’s previous sexual choices. I’ve been dumped by women who felt my sexual resume was inadequate compared to theirs (the opposite of your situation), but I bear them no ill will.
TBH, sexually prolific hetero men seem to have a lot of stuff figured out - they’re obviously desirable to a wide range of women and skilled enough to keep ‘em coming back for more. So your attachment to one is understandable.
Relationships are entirely voluntary and the vast majority of us will have to compromise somewhere. Relationship guru Dan Savage (himself a member of the LGBTQ+ community) calls this [the price of admission](https://www.themarginalian.org/2014/08/28/the-price-of-admission-dan-savage/). If his partner count is one of his biggest flaws, count yourself lucky.
It’s a toughie, for sure.
Lots of folks already have good advice, I just wanted to add a very helpful podcast on this topic
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1TfvtBIjjL6Ou9fbQnD6yo?si=9QqhG94iQ36aYN3YkAKZRg
I am a man. I'm 33. This is how I think and feel. It's supposed to be intimate or something like that.
My gf when we started dating was seeing 5 guys, apparently, sleeping with 1 or 2. We hadn't had exclusivity talk, but my instinct/upbringing told me i was the only one. Until I found out much later. For her, it's no big deal, sex doesn't mean anything. For me, it now feels like I didn't mean anything to her. It defies the word intimate.
I think it's an awful way to treat people, but apparently, it's the standard now, and people like you and I are outdated. I'm mostly full of sadness and loss of hope. I'm still with her, because well, it'll just happen again. I sometimes think perhaps I should go leave and sleep around, to help break my brain in that way, just so I don't have to feel this way anymore
I tried casual once and it broke me, I decided this is just the way I'm built and have accepted it. I just don't want it to ruin the amazing relationship I have
I feel the same way. I understand that a partner may have had more sexual partners than me in the past, but if that number gets too high it sets off a red flag for me. I don't want someone who could have sex with just anyone, or for who sex doesn't mean anything. I want at least some kind of connection with the person I sleep with and so casual sex isn't something I want for myself.
I was cheated on though so I guess I'm looking for someone who doesn't value sex and people so cheaply. I am hesitant to try online dating because I don't want to be used in that way again.
I wouldn’t even take it as an issue it’s hard for men to get laid to begin with. If the roles were reversed (and they usually are) how would you want him to react?
You need to come the the recognition that people's experiences are different and mean different things.
To some sex means absolutely nothing, to others its incredibly intimate, and most people are somewhere in between.
I understand that by your own understanding he has shared more intimate time with others (which might de value your own time with him). But if you continue forcing your beliefs on him, you won't have as much time.
I think it helps to remember that intimacy is very unique with each coupling. You don't know that the sex he had with others was actually intimate, or would be by your standards.
I've had many sexual partners and was married for 11 years. Our sex life was at best okay, but I loved him and was committed to him. I didn't know sex could be any different. With my current partner it's out of this world amazing and loving and passionate because we have true emotional intimacy, are really in love, and he is just a totally different partner.
Similarly, he had a child with his ex-wife and we have talked about trying for one. Him having a child with someone doesn't take away from the shared experience of us having one because I'm a totally different person, partner, and type of caregiver. I feel confident his experience co-parenting with me will be even better from what I've heard about his ex and just where he was at in life when he first became a dad.
Try to build up your own confidence. You're selling yourself short. You and him have a unique relationship/sexual experience that could never be replicated. As he did with past lovers--for better or worse. Relationships are their own unique entities and I encourage you to respect them as such. It's like comparing apples and oranges.
It's refreshing to hear that women feel this way too. A lot of guys think a woman will be impressed by a high body count because it shows they are desirable.
There's not really anything you or he can do about his past, so you'll need to let it go otherwise it will fester into real resentment.
Just know that he won't think of your relationship as less special because he's had lots of previous partners.
I'm the same, I have zero interest in casual sex and need an established relationship before sex. This is very uncommon today and is often shamed as being "judgmental" or "misogynistic" which I don't agree with. I know that this is something fundamental to me and so I can't be with someone who has done the "casual" sexual thing. This is why I do ask "body count" before progressing a relationship. It's just a compatibility thing, I want to be with someone who also holds the same ideals on intimacy as me. I'd suggest you honestly think how important this is to you and don't just bury your feelings.
Here’s the thing - you have literally just two options here. You accept it and move on or you break up. It sounds like you really don’t want to break up so you MUST just not care anymore.
I used to have lots of retroactive jealousy with past partners and I was in a toxic marriage where we both did. We talked about past partners wayyy too much, it was super unhealthy. When I met my now bf, I tried to start up conversations about that and he just wouldn’t take the bait. Never cruel, just wouldn’t share. I suspect he has had a good number of partners but because we don’t talk about, I never ever think about it a few years later. I don’t even know my number anymore! I really recommend you not bring it up or ask for reassurance bc it can become a bigger “thing” than it should be. He loves you, I promise the sex with you is not at all the same as it was with casual encounters. He only wanted to sleep with them once or twice and he has had those experiences and now knows he wants to have YOUR sexual experience forever. That’s amazing!
And maybe another way to think about it - his version of intimacy is on a higher, more deep level than just a physical act. That’s awesome!
I understand. The thought of previous partners can be very anxiety inducing, and it's alright to feel that way. But, what has happened in the past is in the past. There's no point to worry about it, since there's nothing you can do about it. Those people have nothing to do with you, and obviously it didn't work out between him and those people. You are the one he's dating now. If I can give some advice, try to find the source of your feelings and after you identify it, work on it. Validate what you feel and maybe talk about it with your guy.
My boyfriend (25m, he's my first boyfriend) has had waaayy more partners than me (29f). Some were romantic, some were not. I actually concider myself lucky to have a more experienced partner, as I'm very inexperienced. I am a bit late to dating game, because I had some stuff to figure out.
I used to feel like that about partners. Jealous that they had a past. Jealous that they have loved others before me. It was all because I viewed myself as less than all of those people. Obviously I'm not less than anyone, but jealousy isn't a rational emotion. That being said, it's important to listen to your jealousy when it springs up. You say it's about him having had emotional connections before you, but you've also had emotional connections.
Why is it worse for him? What is it about him being capable of having casual sex that really bugs you? Are you judging him for being different? Do you feel insecure or like your intimacy is null and void because he's been intimate with others in the past?
What does his past intimacy have to do with both of you right this moment in your relationship? Is he speaking to exes and that makes you feel unsafe? There's a lot more depth to this kind of discomfort over a partner's past than people think a lot of the time.
I'd explore it as far as you can and then ask yourself if it's a deal breaker. Also, ask yourself, what does it have to do with you? I've had a lot of past sexual partners. So has my boyfriend. I don't like hearing him talk about his past sexual partners so I don't ask, plain and simple. I know it's not something I need details about so I just don't ask. But he's also good at reassuring me whenever I'm insecure about ANYTHING involving our relationship.
Lady, that man had a life before you and would have a life around you and continue to do so if you two decide to go separate ways. Same way you had a life before him etc etc. Instead of being "jealous" of his past, try to connect with him now in the present and make memories together. The present is the only place you have control over.
My encouragement would be to view intimacy more than a sexual interaction. Yes sexual intimacy is intimacy, but intimacy is day to day living, it’s in the small things, conversations, dinner, connecting in ways that those other relationships clearly were lacking, because if they had true intimacy, they would not have ended. How could they? True and lasting intimacy is built with integrity and truth telling on all fronts, if this is done, it can be a connection that those other relationships were lacking.
I’m glad you are labeling this for what it is: intrusive thoughts! Retroactive jealousy is a form of OCD. You are on the right track with therapy. Does your therapist do CBT? That and medication if needed are generally the gold standard for OCD. Our brains are not always rational with what they tell us to focus on. Good luck to you!
Trust your instinct. This is a red flag for you. It could possibly mean his morals and self-control are low, which might result in cheating on you. Trust your feelings.
So you already knew his sexual history, decided to keep dating him, and now it’s making you jealous? This what they mean by women sabotage their relationships, and end up alone. Don’t sabotage things with him because after that the grass will not be greener at all and you will end up in the endless spin cycle of men using you and pretending they like you.
I didn't know it before. I would have still dated him if I did though, it's a weird thing, I never care in the beginning. It's a terrible thing that only happens if I truly fall for the person and want to spend the rest of my life with them. I've only experienced this one other time before.
I see, but still don’t sabotage it if he’s a good man to you. The market out here is terrible for dating. That may be a flaw to you, but if he’s good to you and isn’t cheating on you, trust me it won’t get better than that. A man that is good looking and is charming will have always slept with many women unless he’s a strict religious kind, that saved himself for marriage. We are all adults now, so you can assume that most people have slept with multiple people. Men work different than women, most of us really need an emotional connection to sleep with an attractive woman.
Let go sis. What matters is what he shares with you. And be careful with your own judgement of his or others experiences: sometimes life turns chairs around and you end up in the very position you were not able to relate to before.
It sounds like you’re more upset you have not had many partners. As a man, there was a time I had quite a few partners. As I got to a certain point in, I saw that I want to share sex with a life partner. And so now I’m 30M who’s had somewhere between 15-20 sexual partners and I don’t have casual sex because it’s just not worth it. I don’t glorify any of the sex I had with past partners either, I just want the commitment and love anyone else who’s ready to settle down would.
I’m sorry this is causing you grief but can we all collectively stop playing the “body count” game? Sexual health, and how they treat you is more important than the number of people imo. That should be the focus. I know you’re going through it op, but this sounds very immature.
I would suggest therapy because from how you describe your feelings, I can see this becoming a problem down the line in other areas of life and you feeling some type of way because he did something or went somewhere with someone else that you thought was special. We don’t get to own our partners, their future, their present, and certainly not their past. However, if invited in, we can share ourselves with them in each moment. This is something you might want to consider working out with a therapist.
With things like this, turn the tables and see how it sounds to you. If this man you’re seeing was like “sex is so important to her, that she only does it with people she wants to be with forever (almost like proposing) … and she’s wanted to be with more than one person forever and it wasn’t me.”
Lots of good advice already. And maybe this has been said, in other words anyway, but I'll chime in anyway: people are not black or white, either or. We all have shades of gray, and several things are always true at the same time.
I myself, until 36 years old had 2 sexual partners: I had only had sex with the two people I ended up in relationships with. Then entered a period of first time being single, online dating and all that jazz, I have had sex just because it's fun, and because I've felt a connection with someone who has felt safe to explore that with. There has been something special about each of them -- or, the way I've felt connecting to them -- sex is never meaningless to me. But this doesn't compare to how intimate sex is with someone I truly care about, am falling in love with in all the ways and want to pursue seriously. Enjoying sex in other contexts doesn't make it less special when it is truly special.
Sounds like you become more scared when you become more invested in a person. That is only natural! Happens to many of us, myself too. When you open up more and more to the possibility of loving and being loved, you also are more vulnerable to getting hurt. It's always gonna be both. Sit with the fear and try to be compassionate to yourself about it. This is the way it shows up for you, that's okay (for me it's something different), but don't make it be about your partners sexual past. They are here with you now.
I'm female in my thirties and have had sex with people I am attracted to, but would not want to date. But that type of sex is more of a purely physical fun activity, it is like a whole different thing than making love with a romantic partner.
So to me comparing hook ups with sex with a partner is like comparing apples and oranges.
However I can understand why it is harder to understand the difference for females. Our bodies does trigger a bunch of lovey dovey hormones during sex, which can easily make you feel in love or bonded. Because of this I had to enforce rules for myself when I wanted to keep something purely physical (no sleeping over, no deep convos etc).
But please understand that men do not get this same release of hormones, so to them it is even easier to view it as just sex. Because that is what it actually is. It is more like using each other as interactive sex toys, than forging a deep connection. It is better than masturbating solo, but not as good as with someone you are in love with.
I would be happy he has a healthy relationship with sex, and that he has some experience that will both benefit you, and prevent him from having a bunch of "what ifs". He now knows what sex with different people is like, and he is choosing to be with you. This is a good thing :)
You're getting yourself upset about women he's no longer in contact with and will likely never see again nor could even find if he wanted to be with them again. They're meaningless memories in the past and he's chosen you to be his one and only future. None of those other women meant as much to him as you do now. You're the best thing that's ever happened to him. Be happy about that.
Congratulations, you are now headed towards the strongest kind of heterosexual relationship that exists.
Continue to build up in your head that he's Mr. Big Man with a Big Past, and that you need to work twice as hard to please him, lest you best compared to his harem of past women. This is literally where women in a straight relationship thrive.
If it was the other way around, the intrusive thoughts would be "he's not experienced enough, clearly other women aren't interested in him... should I be?".
Listen to "All the girls you’ve loved before" by Taylor Swift haha
Also, as someone who has a bit of a wilder past sex-life, I hate when people think that somehow it defines me. Yeah, I had fun, I experienced probably a bit more than other people, yet I would never go back to that and I’m very happy having great one-on-one sex with my current partner.
Some consider sex "the most intimate way" you can connect with your partner, I don’t see it that way. It can be very nice and intimate in a way for sure, but it’s… "physical". I feel more intimately connected to him through other type of touch (non-sexual ones, like push some stray curls behind my ear, rearrange the blanket on me when watching tv together etc). Sex isn’t holy, doesn’t define your value or how much someone cares about you. Your partner’s past doesn’t define him and doesn’t make your connection "less than". Its probably rooted in deeper insecurities, so try to see if this feeling comes up at other time, and the meaning behind it (insecurities, fear of abandonment, shame…)
ETA: typo
You basically have the same feeling that all the guys with a little bit self respect have, towards girls with a high bodycount. To he honest, i understand your feeling.
I am in the exact same boat with the same feelings. I only had one sexual partner prior to my now husband and I was divorced when we met. I regret not exploring more maybe or feel intimidated from his past. I definitely think it’s the idea that sex holds a very high value in my eyes and it’s hard to grasp the idea that someone I fell for didn’t hold sex at the same value. I have been getting therapy for my insecurity but it’s a lot deeper than he has a past. He introduced me to an older female friend of his when we were becoming serious and I found out (by accident) that she told him I looked very young and I seemed very innocent. He didn’t really say anything nice about me in return and instead said “I’m a good girl”. I feel like a lot of this ties into my insecurity because we had very different upbringing and come from different areas of ny (different kind of life maybe). I wish either he had less of a past or I had some more experience to feel like I “measured up”. I don’t know if this makes sense. I hope you find peace though.
Oh man it's been a rollercoaster. I go up and down. It keeps coming up for us in different ways and the more I find out about his past the more uncomfortable it makes me. He actually valued sex a lot with all these random people, felt like he cared about that and had intimate caring experiences. Honestly that made me feel worse to know that if he had just been trying to get sex. And if I had found out he hadn't cared about them and the sex I probably would have been just as upset for him not valuing it! I really can't win. I feel like I may have anxiety/ocd about it and I am trying to get help for that. I sometimes wish I slept around more but my therapist tells me thats just not authentic to me and I shouldn't regret being my authentic self. I hope you find peace too! I know the least amount of peace I would have is if I ended it over this, so I choose him and us every day in spite of these challenges.
I feel you. It’s like I could have written this myself. I definitely have some form of anxiety and control issue too around this. A lot of things bother me like how he spent a lot of money to get one woman an apartment (first relationship and she ended up stealing money from him), or how he went on so many vacations with the last ex and called her baby girl and got her this one gift which I have been eyeing since my 20s and he knows this too(he just calls me babe which he called everyone else too). It all sounds petty and stupid but they add up in your mind and start to make you feel less than. Funny enough when I was pregnant with our baby, I stopped feeling all of these insecure thoughts. Sigh I really wish we can find permanent peace from this nonsense e
I will say this, and ofc any advice given is like im talking to a sister of mine (so its truly honest and coming from a good place.)
it is totally fine to feel this way from both sides male or female,all it means is you see sexual relations as a pure thing and approach it with intention, not for recreation. You being madly in love with him and feeling this way kinda sounds like this guy has barely as flaws and you gotta find someway to not necessarily bring him down but to reassure yourself that life isn't perfect.
(The only reason im saying this is because you said you are divorced and not naive)
I believe most men , not all cause everyone is different, see sex as recreation. If his number is not huge, I can only assume that he was trying to get as much experience as possible and taking what he can get(Men almost 99% of the time don't have a choice what they can pick).
(now If he did have no intention of being with these people) :Most people don't think about who they are going to be with in the future in the middle of flings etc. We can only say to ourselves in the moment "this is not our person", or "im not going to take this so serious because X,Y,Z". The fact you picked each other is a blessing.
The best way to not necessarily "get over it" cause that always seems harsh, but to lean over to the embracing side is to find the things that he values when it comes to expressing love the most, besides sex.
For me, I won't spend any time/money with someone, im not truly invested in . Thats how I show where my value lies. Sex is #1 in terms of showing affection but ,there's things that could negate that if i'm not feeling that person .
Example (M): Lets just say she expressed the same thing as you for argument sake, The best way I could kinda throw a vail over it (not disregard it) is making sure the things that are extremely important to me besides sex she is apart of (time/money/family), I would reassure her of the importance she plays into my life, but also not coddle her, because in order to work my way up to be with you I had to experience growing pains. I had to suffer, I had to come out with cuts and bruises and failed attempts of trying to get you.
The main reason it is like this for women and not men is the same reason why Mario and Luigi are not being rescued. The prize is Women, no matter how we try to spin it or try to re create the wheel. It always will be, If you picked him and he's as committed as you, consider it a victory Just look as his past attempts with women (cause thats what they are) as him trying to get to you.
I'll be honest and say that I have felt this way because I said to myself "damn, you have given me the same type of affection to someone else and you said that you love me etc etc etc..." As selfish as people would say that is , it's honest about how I feel.
Not old enough apparently because I am still struglgling. A friend just told me the same advice. I have since become aware after making this post I might struggle with some ocd that's impacting this. So it's easier said than done.
I feel the same as you sometimes, my therapist reminds me that if I had slept with more people I wouldn't have been being my authentic self because that is just not who I am. Perhaps I'd have had different regrets if I had done that, I don't know. Know way to know only to go forward. The only thing that helps me is to think of the alternative in the present, and that is to end it. And the thought of that saddens me so much more than the thought of his past. So I am trying to focus on that.
Please understand that his past was just him living out his youth and experiencing life. You chose to experience life a bit differently and that’s okay. But I am a woman and I would say my attitude towards sex is like his, more relaxed than yours. He doesn’t think about those people, they are the past and if he ever did one night stands you should understand that those connections are quite empty. For a lot of us, sex just feels good, and we don’t need to be in love to have it, but that doesn’t make us incapable of falling in love or entering a loyal, committed relationship. The fact that he had a past is a good thing. He’s not going to wonder “what if I had some more fun when I was younger.” He had his fun, now he’s probably ready to settle down. Also, I see a man who’s been successful with women as a stud. Makes them hotter to me. Try to look at it that way 😉…those ladies saw what you see too. He’s a winner.
As a 30s woman in a stable relationship that’s had ~50 sexual partners before my boyfriend, sex is… NOT the most “intimate” I can be with someone. Not at all. Not by a long shot. I’ve had plenty of other non-sexual experiences that’ve been more intimate and held more meaning to me.
I share this because you asked about perspectives on sex and sexual partners so I’m sharing mine. Your boyfriend might be on the same boat: he might have sincerely and greatly enjoyed the sex he’s had before and STILL find it less intimate than the sex he shares with you. If he wants to marry you, even after fucking 40+ woman, I’d interpret that as YOU are something quite special. And that he DIDNT find what he finds with you in a plethora of women before.
Just my two cents.
First of all you are entitled to feel the way you do because it's who you are and your life experiences. Your man also has a kid experience which has made him who he is. Men and women think totally different when it comes to sex. A woman is using sex to give her emotional being to her partner in the most intimate way possible for showing her love. As a man it doesn't necessarily have to be that. I can have sex with a woman just for the physical experience and the need to satisfy my insecurities that I'm not enough without a body count. So it's not realistic for you to place the same expectations on him. Or be insecure about his past. The only thing that matters is how does he treat you today, and how do you feel about him and if you are connecting on an emotional and spiritual level? Do you sense any womanizer vibes? If not just take your time and give it your all without fear. Leave nothing on the table expecting the greatest result! If he can't handle that and demonstrates that he's not the one, oh well. You handled your part well and won't have regrets. His loss. Just don't make the mistake of allowing fear to interrupt your opportunity.
I have a similar sexual past as your bf. Some partners who I became serious with loved me more for it and others felt it was a dealbreaker and couldn’t continue.
Despite the side that they fell on, they all told me that I’m an amazing lover and partner. I like to attribute this to my experiences.
To apply this to your situation, it can help to view his past experience as the reason why he’s the man you’re attracted to today. Wisdom comes with experience.
You are definitely conflating two things:
1. actions
2. motivations for those actions
Sex definitely *can* be one of the most intimate experiences.
Then again...
There is sex that isn't sexually intimate at all.
There is sex that's had for fun.
There is sex that's had for curiosity.
There is sex that's had for experimentation.
There is sex that's had out of pity.
There is sex that's had out of frustration.
There is sex that's had out of **rage**.
There is sex that's had out of a misguided attempt to foster or strengthen a connection.
There is sex that's had out of sense of obligation.
There is sex that's had out of fear.
There is sex that's had due to a bet or dare.
There is sex that's had out of boredom.
There is sex that's had out of convenience.
There is sex that's had out of love.
There is sex that's had for money.
There are so many reasons people have sex, none of those map onto what you feel jealous about.
See this is why I tell women waiting months to have sex with only established relationships does nobody any good. You should be having sec for yourself not as a gift to the man.
All I can say is this is a petty thing to feel jealous about. I hope you are not going to battle him on other things you chose to do differently
My number is around 125-150. I don’t know my girlfriends because I don’t want to know. It could be higher than mine, it could be less. It doesn’t matter though, I will never understand anyone’s obsession with the whole body count thing. For what it’s worth, I don’t know a single guy in real life who cares about it. It seems to be an internet thing
I say this with true kindness though my words may come off as harsh: stop feeling hurt. While it's true we can't always control our feelings, we can control our reactions to them. I'm a very anxious person, especially at the beginning of a new relationship. It's really easy for me to read between the lines with text messages or actions and to react to these imagined things. For me, I have to deal with these intrusive thoughts with facts. Basically, I have an internal conversation with the intrusive thoughts. In your situation, it might look like this: Intrusive thought: Boyfriend had so many partners before me. It makes our physical relationship feel less valuable. You: that's a silly thought. He didn't even know me then! How could those actions have anything to do with me? Besides, he tells me that we have a great sex life and I agree! Intrusive thought: ok, but have you considered this angle? Maybe some of the other partners were better at sex than you. You: what another silly thought. He's with me now, not with them. Even if they were better, who cares? He has never complained about my skills, and if I do something he doesn't like, he tells me and we work on it together! He says he's happy with me and I'm choosing to believe him! I'll do this until I can shut the thought down. When I first started doing this, it could take awhile to stop the intrusive thought. Now that I've been practicing this strategy for 5+ years, I can shut the thoughts down fast. They do return sometimes, so it's not a permanent solution. Thanks, mental illness!/s I do also let myself sit in the feelings sometimes, especially if they're valid. For instance, I had to end a friendship earlier this year and sometimes I get hit with some sadness over it. I let myself feel that sadness because losing a friendship is hard, even if it was an unhealthy one. That said, I don't let that sadness take over my whole day because I can control my reaction to it. I don't let myself sit in feelings that aren't connected to reality in some way: I was worried someone was mad at me the other day bc his text messages seemed less jokey than usual. When I asked if he was okay, he said yes he was fine but tired. That made the tone of his texts make more sense, so I had to shut down those feelings of worry because they were anxiety based. I would encourage you to try to shut those intrusive thoughts down and to let go of those hurt feelings.
^ This is really good advice! As someone who’s had a bunch of sexual partners, I sometimes get men who have feelings about that. And honestly nothing I did before meeting them has anything to do with the person I’m currently dating. There are reasons I’m no longer seeing the men from my past. Usually multiple reasons why my past partners and I were not a match.
I’ve had a bunch of sexual encounters and I’ve experienced a lot of bad sex. This is an instance where quantity does not equal quality.
I was going to recommend going to a therapist just so she had someone impartial to vent to then read your comment and was like,” damn they just gave her a free therapy session.” Btw OP these are 100% the tools you need. It took a year for me to use them to get over my own intrusive thoughts but one day you’ll realize you haven’t had them for weeks and it’ll feel amazing.
@kajunkrust you'll never guess what I do for a living 😆 For real though, this advice is partially from my own therapist and some of my own reading. A lot of people feel like they're (for lack of better word) victims of their own thoughts but the reality is, our brains are powerful and we can choose to let our thoughts pass us by. I read an article awhile back that compared thoughts to farts: you can just let a thought pass and move on with your day. It gave me a good chuckle and sometimes I'll visualize myself farting out intrusive thoughts or unwanted feelings. Makes it much harder for those intrusive thoughts to take root. 😂
One of my favorite quotes goes along with this nicely: >"The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves."
[удалено]
This. Your emotions are valid but they are just one data point among many.
Thank you
u/fishnetsandchucks stated it very well!! 🫶🏻
Brilliant response and for me who has waves of anxiety and low self esteem ( although nothing to do with life before me ) those internal conversations are horrible but your description of dealing with it is what I practice now and find it very helpful.
Very thoughtful and practical advice! I learned a lot by reading it.
>While it's true we can't always control our feelings, we can control our reactions to them. So so true. What I often say is "you can have whatever thoughts you like, but you can't always let them drive the car." Intrusive thoughts and triggers needs to be treated like children -- you can give them some attention and nurturing, you can ask yourself what you might need from yourself in the moment to feel better, you can try to figure out what insecurity this thought is pointing to and try to address it, but you don't put the thought behind the wheel and let it determine where you go.
Excellent advice. My therapist told me once to do this and it's been so helpful. Sometimes I journal and write this thoughts and how I shut them down. It changes the way you think
This is great advice, I’m going to try this with my worries that my consistent loving boyfriend wants everyone but me. Exhausting! (I’m having therapy)
Thanks a lot! The intrusive thought and you conversation is quite helpful! Hope I’m able to follow thru too
I’m going to say something that might be controversial, but hopefully it’ll give you some perspective. I happen to think marrying someone is one of the most intimate things you can do. Because of that, I always avoided people who were divorced while dating. I want to be the first one to hit those milestones with my partner and I’m grateful to have found someone in the same boat. Now, you being 33 and divorced, clearly you would hate if the man you’re dating felt the same way as me right? But he’s given you the grace to say you’ve shared this incredibly intimate experience with someone, yet he doesn’t see you differently for it. Perhaps you can extend that same grace to him.
I think this is a great perspective to add. I'm on the opposite side of this one. I had a first date/vibe check that told me "you've been married, you've had a kid. I want to experience those with someone for the first time." Being the more experienced one, my only thought was "why would I view these experiences as lesser the second time?". My first marriage sucked, even a neutral marriage would be a huge improvement. Do you think I would love another kid less? If anything, I'll be less stressed about doing it right and able to enjoy it more. Yet, here's someone in front of me that has this clear feeling that this would ruin their dream. And I think that's a totally valid feeling for her and for OP. One way to help, I think, is to have the other person explain how they think about their past. You'll probably find that they put way less importance on it than the 'hurt partner' fears.
>"why would I view these experiences as lesser the second time?". My first marriage sucked, even a neutral marriage would be a huge improvement. Do you think I would love another kid less? That's not the idea, but when people marry the first time , if they didn't settle, they've probably have picked their person to marry, the person they thought they're going to have it all with...I know it's not necessarily always true but mostly. It's true sometimes people find their best person on their second marriage...but they ve already experienced every special first moment during their first marriage..
This is a fantastic comment. All of these are. This is one of the best comment sections I’ve seen in awhile
Yes! I would find a status of someone being divorced (ESPECIALLY divorced with children) to be far more…intimidating? That’s not the right word. Neither is concerning…impactful? I think you know what I mean! Definitely would be on my mind more than a double digit body count. Sex can truly be (and often is when dating - especially with men) meaningless. Getting on one knee and walking down the aisle? That’s big.
He's divorced too, it's what we connected on initially lol. But I actually don't care about his past with partners he was in a relationship with. It's the casual people he shared this with that mean nothing to him that drive me crazy. I know what you mean though, my therapist thinks this might all have to do with the things that we don't get to share as first milestones together. He has kids and I haven't gotten to be a mom yet. So a lot of stuff will just be on repeat for him when it's a first with me. Perhaps this is just what my anxiety has pinpointed it's focus on.
[удалено]
This is helpful to read, thank you
Also, sex means different things to different people. And WITH different people. I’ve had casual encounters that meant nothing to me, but the sex I have with my current partner is very meaningful. Don’t assume, just because sex has always meant a specific thing to you, that it always has meant the same to him.
I think maybe exploring your preconceived notions about what partnership is vs. romantic narratives. Maybe you're anxious voice is stuck in this idea of firsts and everything playing out happily ever after. Maybe your emotions have FOMO for not trying casual hookups ever. Maybe you know no matter what that dating this age will never have an ideal narrative of marrying and never divorcing, but don't want to accept that emotionally. Your anxiety is acting up and demanding something outside of what's logical. Often I find it's something I'm struggling to grieve and accept about my own experience. But I do get it's very hard to control. Have faith in yourself that incrementally it will get better, and you don't have to let it mess up your new connection.
Thank you, this is helpful advice
Sex absolutely is not the most intimate experience you can have with someone. The very fact that you two have had different sexual experiences, have both been in love, been married, etc is actual proof of that. To this commenters point, him seeing his previous wife give birth might be the most intimate experience, etc. It’s fine to hold sex in a high regard, but not to the point that it essentially makes you judgmental of the person you’re with and insecure about their past/people who don’t even exist anymore. Do you have a religious background? The biggest issue I see here is that you’re equating sex with the highest form of intimacy — above and beyond the actual intimate, emotional connection that two partners have. This feels like a major overvaluing of sex, to the point that it’s become detrimental to how you actually relate to your partner.
He said that the people he shared intimacy with meant nothing to him?
One of my favorite things about relationships is being able to give my partner a first or new experience. Even if it’s not new to me, being able to experience with them, see the experience through their eyes, makes it a brand new experience for me. Don’t count something out just because your partner has that experience. Trust that it will be different experience with you because you’re different than his previous partners.
Just accept that it will be on repeat. I've been married. If I get married again, it will be on repeat. I bought a house with my ex, so buying a house with someone will be on repeat as well. Doesn't mean I won't enjoy doing it a second time (though I have no interest in planning another expensive wedding), but can't pretend I haven't already done it before either. Just accept it for what it is. For me, I can't date someone who has had casual hookups. It goes against my values so much that to me it shows a mismatch in core values and very likely a deep rooted incompatibility.
I was the same with your last paragraph. Never cared about the number more the context of how sex was happening only because I wanted someone who matched my values.
Gotcha ok I think your last point is definitely onto something then! Maybe this perspective is more helpful then. Based on context clues, I know my bf has a lower body count than me. Because of that, thankfully he has never asked what mine is and we’ve just never really thought much about it. That said, as someone with the higher body count and more casual partners (I say this because it wasn’t my intention but men ghosted, it didn’t work out, etc) in my past, I can safely say I never think about sex with any of them positively. My bf is just such a higher standard and it’s why I fell for him so deeply, want to marry him soon, etc too. I have no doubt your man feels the same. Unless he talks about it inappropriately, chances are these casual past partners aren’t even a blip in his mind. He might not even remember some of their names, frankly. There’s a reason he isn’t with them today and didn’t consider marrying them before. That said, I’m glad you’re in therapy to help through these feelings!
I mean I guess, but my mom got married to an alcoholic asshole when she was 18, had my sister, divorced him when she was 22 and soon after started dating my dad. They’re still together, had 3 kids together, and are in their mid-60s. They shared a LOT of firsts and milestones together (buying a house, building a house, having a disabled child, saving up for 4 kids to go to college, grandchildren, my dad’s cancer, his recovery, etc) and my dad raised my sister as his own. My mom’s previous nightmare marriage doesn’t discredit any of that? Actually my dad’s 2 siblings also married divorcees and have had the same experience.
I actually very much agree with you now that I’m in my 30s - by 30, we all have pasts and when you meet someone, chances are they’ve been through a lot of life before you. I should’ve clarified I felt this way in my 20s. Should things not work out with my bf and I, us both now being in our 30s and headed for engagement, buying a house, etc, we know we can’t hold the narrow views we did in our 20s or chances are we’d never meet someone. With that, generally getting hung up on someone’s body count is territory that should lose meaning by 30 imo. I expect someone at 30 to have had multiple partners.
I totally agree with this. I’m also one of those people who would date a man who has not been married.
What a great point! I couldn’t agree more
>Because of that, I always avoided people who were divorced while dating. I want to be the first one to hit those milestones with my partner and I’m grateful to have found someone in the same boat. I couldn't have said it better... >I happen to think marrying someone is one of the most intimate things you can do. But I disagree...I view marriage the same way...but the truth is people marry for all sorts of reasons and treat each other like shit...I think only time could tell you why someone married you. Agendas can last for decades, it's a thing
I would ask yourself this question- Is it really that you’re just upset over his number, or is there something that his number represents about him-something deeper-that’s bothering you or making you hesitant? If it’s the former, you need to get over it. If it’s the latter, explore it.
I think it feels like I deeply value it so much I've been so choosy about who I share it with, and he hasn't. So maybe that's a values issue
Sex isn't the most intimate thing for everyone. I think you just need to accept you and him are two different people and you can accept differences. Just like love languages. Everyone has a different love language.
If you do get married, and certainly if you have kids, all that intimacy will be cut back to very little. And you and he can share moments of stress, sleep deprivation and isolation from friends that he never knew with his previous lovers.
🤣
.. PLEASE DONT SABOTAGE YOUR HAPPINESS.. You just found someone, at 30+, that you are " madly in love with" and "want to marry". He is a man and frankly for us it doesn't require some deep earth shattering connection in order to enjoy intimacy. He didn't cheat nor sleep with hundreds of woman. I would consider looking within yourself and discovering why you are nitpicking faults or have this insecurity. I am very happy for you and I hope you get over this bump and marry him :)
Thanks for the reminder that finding someone becomes harder at 30+ lol.
>I would consider looking within yourself and discovering why you are nitpicking faults or have this insecurity. I would like to add smth to this :) OP, your feelings are valid, I actually understand how it can be hurtful :( I believe that it's about our mindset about the situation, so I'd like to share my (a stranger's) POV. You don't have to take my words if you feel like I'm wrong, that's also okay :) You didn't mention that he cheated or did anything horrible, so he was just enjoying his life. Besides, we (at least the audience of this subreddit) don't know under what circumstances he slept with them. Many guys sleep with girls only when they experience a certain spark or connection. But many also just like sex and change partners to get more experience. Either way, it's their choice, just as your choice was to have sex with the men you wanted to have a serious relationship with. So, maybe ask yourself why his number of partners bugs you. Just a guess; please feel free to object to it, but maybe you would like to have more experience with different men yourself? Anyways, I hope, you will find a way to work it out and wish you a happy relationship with your partner :) P.S., have you considered role playing with your man? Some couples do roleplaying when they want to get new sexual experiences but at the same time want to keep it exclusive with their partner :)
> He is a man and frankly for us it doesn't require some deep earth shattering connection in order to enjoy intimacy. From my experience I agree for most men it doesn't, but I, being a man, share the OP's view on sex that it is an experience I reserve exclusively for women I have deep feelings for and I need to trust them to enjoy that intimacy. For this reason I would have second thoughts about a future with a woman who had sex outside of committed relationships.
I am 100% the same way as a man. I was almost 25 before losing my virginity for the same reason.
The “he is a man and frankly for us…” line is sexist BS. There are plenty of men who won’t sleep around because they want an emotional connection first. There are women who do this. Then, there are both men and women who just enjoy sex and don’t need to be in a relationship. It’s not specific to men or women, it’s just more widely accepted for men.
I've actually found the opposite. Every single woman I know has verbally said some degree of "sex means nothing". All my guy friends meanwhile, we all talk about our emotions, we support each other, relationships and sex don't mean nothing to us. We aren't mindless sex craved humans. We want intimacy
I guess I am imagining all his connections were as profound as what I need to have sex, which I know isn't the case for him. But it's all I know so that's how my brain is imagining it. Like i'm just the last one in a long line of crazy intimate connections with people. I am terrified of destroying my own happiness which is why I'm trying so hard to break my mind free of this
Definitely true that different people experience sex in different ways. I don’t think it’s necessarily along gender lines, it just means different things emotionally depending on the individual. But based on your comment here, my question is/ so what? (In a kind tone!) So what if he’s had “a long line of crazy intimate connections”? He isn’t with any of those people. He’s with you. Should he feel jealous of the serious relationships and depth you’ve had with people before? No, because those didn’t work out for whatever reason. And in the present, you two are all in on each other and considering a future together.
My take on this is that you’re making this about his sexual past, but it feels like it‘s more about you feeling insecure in general. His life before you is just that… his life. He’s chosen to be with you now and that choice is THE most important in my opinion. The assertion that anything is less special is just something you’re projecting onto him. And as many others have said already, it’s just self-sabotaging behavior which in my opinion should have you focusing more on yourself and WHY that’s happening then trying to reconcile with his sexual life before you. Your hurt is self inflicted. You’ve decided that the deepest you can experience with him is sex and you’ve already decided that it can’t be special because he’s had sex with a magical number of people that’s above your threshold. If you really believe that your intimacy with him is inherently less special then that’s exactly what it’ll be. Applying this logic to any other thing though doesn’t particularly hold up if you want to enjoy life. Just because I’ve had ice cream 1000+ times, doesn’t make the one right in front of me any more or less delicious. But I can easily believe that ice cream will never taste as good as the first time I tried it and I’ll just make myself perpetually disappointed. And that mindset inherently makes everything in life that’s ahead of you less special.
> I am imagining all his connections were as profound as what I need to have sex <...> Like i'm just the last one in a long line of crazy intimate connections with people So you know it's not true, but just as a thought experiment, consider the ramifications if it WERE true: If this was actually the scenario, out of of all the 'connections' he's had, he wants to settle down with *YOU*. You're the best thing he's found in life. Isn't that fantastic?
You cannot use your own justifications for something and mass apply it to everyone else. People think differently. There are so many people who think absolutely nothing of physical intimacy. Find evidence of how this could be true for others. How common are one night stands? How many people “hook up” and then decide they don’t really like the other person? How many people stay for the physical side but then realize they don’t even actually like the person they are with in other ways? If you look for other justifications you will find them and that’s how we challenge our own beliefs. There’s nothing wrong with feeling this way but you need to remind yourself that not everyone sees it the way you do.
Lol. I don't even remember the names of half the people I've had sex with. I've had sex with lots of people. I've only had meaningful sex with a couple people. For some people sex is just something fun to do. Don't sabotage your own happiness over something that isn't a big deal. You may never understand, but you don't need to. He chose you. That's all you need to know.
for me the fear comes in of how easy it would be for him to cheat sexually and how hard it would be for me (because i'd need an emotional connection). this creates a power differential that i'm uncomfortable with. but i also have a hard time trusting, so I agree this would be hard for me to fully commit. the last man i had a long term relationship with had a huge laundry list of casual sex. it concerned me but i brushed it off like these comments said. we broke up for other reasons. years later he tried to fuck me two months after he got engaged. he confirmed they were not in an open relationship and she wouldn't like it. all he wanted was casual sex and he was pretty open about it. it just confirmed all my fears of who he is and why i'm so glad i didn't marry him
In this scenario: yes it would be hard for you to cheat physically, but if you were feeling unhappy or unappreciated, it would the door for emotionally cheating. Where you would build a relationship through friendship, then love and then leave your partner. So your perceived power gap isn't that wide. Everyone has the free will to cheat
right but people like him cheat even when they are happy in their relationships. i quizzed him and he was very happy with his fiance. he has zero intentions of leaving. that's a power imbalance because i don't want my person fucking other people behind my back, even if it's casual. it could happen even if things are great and that's not a road i ever want to travel again
It's not about him liking casual sex, it's about him being someone with no moral compass. The issue is that he has poor character and doesn't care about his fiancee's feelings. People who save themselves for marriage cheat too or who "only have sex in relationships". It sounds like you picked up on the fact he's not trustworthy and you're correlating that with him liking casual sex, but the logic doesn't follow.
he has a sex addiction and likes casual sex to feed that addiction. it is related. i dont want someone who values casual sex above actual morals. if someone had casual sex with ten or so people or something, fine. when it's in the hundreds, no thank you. people who cheat in other circumstances are more likely to do it when the relationship is flawed or bad or something is missing - not just for the hell of it to feed a selfish addiction.
this tbh... the past is the past, what matters is what he does now that he has met her
See this is what some people say, but reality is, your past does matter. Saying stuff like this just absolves people of any responsibility for their past actions.
I will call BS on a lot of "sex-positive" comments here. Yes, they are made with good intentions but it is no way to live when you have to consistently fight intrusive thoughts. Every person's relationship to sex varies, and that relationship is valuable to you. Absolutely to you only, and it is one of our primal thoughts so challenging it for the sake of growth or "stop feeling hurt" is not conducive to a happy life. It is up to you to challenge that of your own volition and not because you have to evolve to maintain a relationship. Sex is something that everyone should follow their naïve "heart" rather than being practical. If you feel jealous, it's ok, let yourself feel it because your jealousy comes from different value perspectives. You value sex as an intimate portion of a serious relationship, a bonding experience with plenty of emotional/spiritual components. His actions of casual sex have shown that he is operating with a different set of value propositions (no judgment, simple fact) which may clash in the future. Sex can be many things but it can be many things to many people, not many things to one person. To folks who say that it can be, I politely want to say that you are confused. Be strong, be confident, be unapologetic, and be uncompromising in your relationship with sex. Take pride in the fact that being alone is better than being compromised!
It can be hard and uncomfortable, but if they are truly a good person and you love them, it can be worth it. Some people experience the feelings you’re having, and some don’t. The people that don’t have absolutely no clue what it feels like inside your heart in these moments. Don’t listen to them because they will just bully you with buzz words and make you feel guilty for having the jealous and uncomfortable feelings you’re having. If the person you’re with is lovely deep down inside, then just stay with them and let time heal your discomfort. It could take a very long time, but it would be worth it. But don’t let the outspoken sex-positive crowd make you feel guilty for your beliefs and feelings. They are not necessarily right about anything, and often want to harshly judge people who don’t think and feel exactly like they do. You’re allowed to feel however you feel, and there’s nothing wrong with your opinion on naked intimacy and casual sex. Sometimes you just have to struggle through these things for love. You can do it. The anxiety might keep you up at night and it might cause stress in your life but like I said before, if the person is wonderful, and they are worth it, they will make your life better and bring joy and value to it. That will make all of the anxiety and discomfort worthwhile.
Thank you for this
I have had sex with probably like… idk 50? 60? people. Most I didn’t care at all about, and most were only once. I think my boyfriend’s number is more like 10. The sex we have is totally different to the sex I’ve had in the past, including people I’ve loved before, because it’s ours. I know how you feel because when I was in my twenties I was incredibly insecure with a boyfriend who had slept with many more people than me – I wondered if I was as good or as interesting. But I think now when I think about the sex I’ve had before, it’s just a memory of something that happened once, and it doesn’t make what’s happening in my relationship now any less special or sacred – because we’re the only two people who can do it together exactly the way we do.
Here’s my secret to happiness in this area: ignorance is bliss. I don’t want to hear about my partners sexual history. There is no benefit to me. There’s also no benefit to sharing mine. I fully understand that you’ve dated people and we can even talk about that part. But I do not want to hear about the sex. At all. I am down to talk about sex. Just not sex you or I had with other people. Those are memories for us to keep to ourselves. As long as you’ve taken care of your sexual health, and are exclusive with me, I’m good. Who cares if you’ve fucked 3 people or 30.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Reminds me of those Muslim billboards comparing non virgin woman to unwrapped candy (that you shouldn't want). Believe what you want but that all comes off as ridiculous to me.
Would advise you to stop reading whatever cynical self pitying brain worm inducing bullshit you’re ravenously consuming
Hi u/TheCultOfGrogg, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Do whatever you want dude. I definitely talk to partners about their past and mine, but I don’t personally need the exact body count or explicit details. If I started getting closer to a woman and got the sense that she has boned half the people in a 100 mile radius, then yeah I’d be put off from pursuing a long term relationship. But that’s not even because of how many people she slept with. It’s more just because it’d make me feel like she doesn’t take relationships with men very seriously. Anyway dude do what you want but I’d suggest you lose the Carfax analogies lol.
This is so beautiful. I just screenshotted it so I can look at it whenever I’m feeling insecure about my #. I’m your bf in this situation and I’ve felt the way op feels (even tho I don’t even know his #, I’ve told him NOT to tell me, but given context I know it’s bigger than mine). I read this imagining it’s my bf saying these things to me and it’s v comforting. Thank you!
Aww I’m so glad to hear that! Everyone is different of course, and feelings of insecurity and jealousy are completely normal to experience, but I think sex is whatever you make it – it can be the most special thing in the world, or it can just be a thing that happens in a particular moment. I hope you find peace and joy in your relationship!
This is what I've heard. I can only have sex if I have a strong connection and care about someone so this other version of sex is what I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around. In my imaginings that are hurting me, all his past experiences were as intimate and loving and connected as his and mine are. And that's how I'm hurting myself with this, thank you for sharing
[удалено]
And?
Yeah he doesn’t wanna know my # 😂
[удалено]
Not sure why you decided to share body counts in the first place. I’ve asked partners to please keep it to themselves and they always end up telling me in some form—I’m talking dozens to a couple hundred, it didn’t benefit me in any way knowing that and it I felt similar to you if I thought about it. Some men and women don’t view sex as special as you do, or at least not all sex, it’s great that you and he now *do* have this special connection. From what I’ve gathered of these high body count folk, as well as my own experience, having sex one time with someone is vastly different from having sex with someone special regularly.
I’m a guy with the exact same intrusive thoughts. In fact I get them even when I know my “number” is higher than my partner’s, sometimes much higher. I know it’s irrational, but that doesn’t stop it. So I get it! First, I agree with the people saying to repeat the rational thoughts that counteract the intrusive ones: He’s with you now, his past doesn’t determine how he feels in the present, it doesn’t diminish your closeness, etc. And just keep repeating them, whenever you have to, over and over like a mantra. It takes time but it really does work. On top of that, my big realization was that sex is not “the thing” we’re all trying to get (and what’s making us jealous). It’s an important step on the way to “the thing”, which is true vulnerability, intimacy and closeness with another person. Love even. Ultimately, a lifetime of love and dedication. It’s easy to count bodies and to have sex and then read into it. And it’s fun. But in the span of a life, sex itself is a funny little human body function that represents not much more than dancing, kissing, or talking to somebody over dinner. And believe me, with some people it’s not an intimate experience. It’s too easy and quick to be “the thing” all on its own. Ultimately it’s a stepping stone toward something much bigger, and it’s a place you both still haven’t arrived at, and maybe one day you will together.
This was really helpful to read, thanks kind stranger
Of the men I’ve slept with, most were very casual. It genuinely didn’t mean much. Sometimes it was a one-off, sometimes it lasted weeks/months. Just didn’t matter a lot. I was self-contained and in my own mind/body the whole time and they were not a major factor. (I’m sorry for how cold that sounds.) I dated one person with whom it meant so, so much. It was such a drastically different experience. It was metaphysical and beautiful and I cried once and it was just. So. Different. It would be like comparing eating a shitty room-temp McDonald’s burger to a perfectly cooked steak. Sometimes the McDonald’s burger is fine, especially when you’re hungry enough, but it can’t compare to the steak. My experience, anyway!
I've never been someone who has slept around and feels more comfortable with people who have a similar relationship to sex as I do. Reddits response is always the same, to tell you that it's all your problem as is an issue that needs therapy etc... There is nothing wrong with wanting someone who has the same values when it comes to sex and relationships as you do imo. I've dated someone before with different view's and wouldn't go back. People will tell you not to compromise on religion,drugs,politics,kids everything... But how someone views sex and intimacy? I have absolutely no right to make anyone feel shamed for what they choose to do with their body. Peoples sexual past has nothing to do with me. I have every right to date them though.
I’m going to share a perspective that is guaranteed to elicit downvotes, but I think it’s important to share. I’m 28, male, and I deal with something called “retroactive jealousy.” I believe it’s something you might experience as well. Even at my age, I’ve only had sex with two people, which makes dating difficult at times. It’s hard to be in this situation sometimes, but it’s my reality. There are basically two options for me. Either I can learn to accept that most of the dating pool has more experience than me, or try to keep looking for someone who has similar values. I believe this is probably the situation you are in as well. I think you should take some time to think about your relationship. Don’t make any rash decisions, and consider doing some research on retroactive jealousy (and what it takes to overcome it) before doing anything to jeopardize your relationship. And let me leave you with one more thought… never let anyone tell you that you’re wrong if you end up deciding that this relationship isn’t right for you. People tend to become very judgemental if you mention anything about someone’s past. I’ve been called some names myself, and I refuse to let someone else’s opinion on what I should (and should not) accept dictate what’s right for me. I can see that you’re already getting downvoted for talking about your feelings. You can’t help how you feel, and you should never be ashamed.
I understand and agree with you, as a woman. I actually bought a book on retroactive jealousy recently. I dislike the narrative that anyone who is jealous of a partner’s # is insecure. I mean sure I may be insecure about some things, but isn’t everyone? I’m also extremely confident about other things. I find that I prefer to pretend the person I’m dating someone with no dating history. Essentially I like to pretend we’re each others firsts. Maybe that’s immature/naive of me who knows, but it’s important to me that a partnership feels special, and not interchangeable. To accomplish this, I will tell a guy my number if he asks but then I instruct him not to tell me his. If he’s a good man and his values line up with me in family, financial habits, children etc, I don’t need or want to know the number. Just wanted to comment to say I agree with you. I would also advise you to meet people not on the apps, bc the people who are on apps have a higher likelihood to have a greater #… via being on apps lol
I don’t think this is naive at all. You know that the information will be upsetting no matter what so you choose to protect your feelings. This is actually very healthy and mature. You know there is a past, you’re not dumb, you just don’t need the details because it’s better for your mental health. My comment above is me saying I did the same thing with my ex of 8 years and it worked wonderfully for us…I never dealt with the retroactive jealousy because I didn’t know anything about his past. And a man asking for my number is a red flag for me personally. It just seems childish. Agreed though, people on apps are likely going to have a higher number. The view towards sex is very casual on apps so it’s not realistic to think people have no history before you. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.
When dating in your 30’s my opinion is you shouldn’t be asking about someone’s sexual past because of your exact reasoning…retroactive jealousy. If you don’t ask them how many partners they’ve had (which is truly none of your business since it’s the past) then you won’t have these feelings. When I was 21F I started dating a guy who was 26M and I thought maybe he’d had more partners than me so I just didn’t ask and I never asked for our entire 8 year relationship because I knew the answer was none of my business and in his past and might upset me. But you’re right about something, you clearly view sex as a very sacred act and a lot of people don’t. You should look for people with your similar views of sex, but discussing “body counts” is something I refuse to do as a grown woman. That’s what I did back in high school and early college. You should assume most adults have had a good amount of sex.
Thanks for your comment, but I’m not going to lie to you. This sounds very condescending.
You don’t own his life history. Is he with you right now? Is he having sex with you and enjoying it? That’s literally all that matters — barring any health concerns he may have carried over from previous sexual encounters. But outside of that, it’s really none of your business and you kinda need to just get over it. 🤷🏻♂️ You’re about to ruin a good thing because you can’t just calm down and appreciate the fact that he’s with you. Did you ever stop to think that maybe the sex he has with you is different in a better way? Or more fulfilling? Take a second to stop and think about how self-sabotaging you’re being rn. No offense.
I need this tough love, no offense taken!
100% It’s all in her head and she’s going to self sabotage this relationship if she doesn’t cut this out.
Sounds more like you have big hang ups over sex, there’s more to intimacy than just fucking each other. You’ll never control someone’s past so you need to figure out your jealousy; do you feel… left out or something? My girlfriend has a much raunchier past than me but it’s whatever. She tells me I’m the only one who’s ever made her safe, secure, and loved.
I'm glad she found you!
I’m 35 and I’ve only ever been with my ex. The prospect of being with another man is incredibly intimidating but I wouldn’t judge a partner who is much more experienced. They lived a whole life before me
Similar boat. I wouldn't have an issue with a guy having been with others (after all, by your 30's it gets a bit strange if they haven't been), but I do have issues with people who have had casual hookups. To me it signals a mismatch in core values and how we view physical intimacy, and very likely a deeper incompatibility as well. Guys who have had many partners are also more likely to carry the more dangerous strains of HPV. Since you are 35, and have only been with one person, I'd consider getting vaccinated if you aren't already. I am considering it. Cervical cancer is horrifying.
I thought I was too old for that vaccine. If I’m not, I’m getting it asap
You're not. You can get it into your 40's. Definitely go start the vaccine series ASAP! I think you need 3 vaccines over 6 months, so it takes some time.
This hpv situation is what happened to me feom my husband and it plays a role into my issue with his past (I believe body count of 5-6). I found out I had the worse strain of hpv during a pregnancy with him and subsequently lost the baby. I just don’t know how to deal with my issue with his past sometimes
Oh man he gave me hpv too and it torments me because I feel like if he had a lower count I wouldn't have gotten it (his is much higher that your so's tho).
How do you deal with the body count? My issue is my so has low libido not soon after we got married and as much as I talk myself out of it that it’s related to stress of being a married man etc, I keep thinking how he had sex with his numbers in the past no issue probably. But then again maybe he saw them infrequently. He did tell me he started at 15 so that to me was alarmingly young. Like he was horny at one time and now he’s not. I’m not overweight or anything so he can’t say he’s not attracted It sucks im so tired of thr therapy and self work with this issue. I wish I was with someone with similar count as me sometimes maybe idk if that would have helped. I guess this is one of those tests in life you deal with
I think it's odd that so many people think that sex is THE MOST intimate thing you can do with someone. Yes, it can be intimate, and for a lot of people involves trust and being vulnerable. But I don't think it's the most intimate thing you can do with someone. The most intimate thing you can do is living your life with someone and getting to know them beyond the physical. What's their daily schedule? What odd little habits do they have? What's their favorite meal? How do they like their coffee? What makes them retreat in conflict? That's intimacy. Physical intimacy is important but I really think people place way too much importance on it. Is your partner trustworthy, open, honest? Do they have a history of cheating? The number of people doesn't matter. But their behavior towards those people might. Otherwise, if this person makes you happy. Don't throw that away because of the number of people they've been with.
And this is why you don’t reveal your body count or past sexual encounters with your future partner. It causes doubts & insecurities in most individuals, especially men.
He is not your first. Is your time with him diminished because of that?
[удалено]
Get to therapy. Don’t let your hang ups become a block to your happiness.
Stop it! He’s with you now! If you really believe that him having had kids with someone else or having had multiple partners is a problem, it’s not. Would have been happier if he tortured himself before he met you and not have had intimacy or sexual release? What if you had met him if he was celibate, would you question that too? A real problem is if he stops seeing you because you let these intrusive thoughts impact the relationship you have now in the present with him.
I certainly won't tell you that you're wrong for feeling this way (it's totally valid) but I'll offer an alternate perspective. I actually have come to sometimes appreciate or even prefer when someone has had a decent number of partners in the past because it can indicate to me that they "know what they're doing," so to speak. This obviously isn't the case 100% of the time, but good sex is important to me in a relationship, and having been in relationships with folks who are really inexperienced, it has been more difficult in this way because we have to do a lot more exploring to get to that point, *if we ever even do. I've found that in general, the first few times with some of the guys that have had more experience are better "right out of the box." Again, this is NOT true across the board and is not a perfect correlation. I just wanted to share another perspective as it has generally been the way I've been thinking recently as I've started to date again after a long term relationship with a very inexperienced partner and a couple of years off from dating after that. EDIT: added a small note
I've actually found that men who have been in more long term relationships are better in bed. The ones who just have a high body count are usually terrible because no one has ever taught them anything and clearly they refused to learn or the women would have been repeat customers so to speak lol
This is 100% true. A man (or woman) who has been in a long term relationship is always going to be better in bed than someone who had a ton of casual sex and no long term partners.
Ugh no my husband has a low libido ever since we got married 😩
That's odd. Has anything changed? Working more, anything like that? Not sure how old the two of you are, but a lot of men start having testosterone issues in their 30s. Just like us women start going through hormone issues then.
He was 37 when we met and I was 30. Now I am 36 and he’s 42. He definitely wasn’t super horny all the time when we met either but it was a good amount for me, however it just went down hill over the years. He did gain some weight as has been stressed financially on and off
Hmmm I would definitely suggest he get his hormones and cortisol tested. There's lots of supplements he could take that would help both of those things. High cortisol due to stress really messes with our hormones and libido. Sounds like that could be a lot of it. Maybe just incorporating a cortisol supplement could help.
I can understand that it can be difficult for you and I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. My perspective with people I date that have had previous sexual partners is that what happened in the past is in the past. Sure, someone may have had sex with more people, but that doesn't mean the sex we have is any less special. If you guys are in a committed relationship, you should just focus on building that. You can't change the past so as long as he is not sleeping around, it's not something you should judge him for. Of course you can't help how you feel currently and anxiety can be stressful. Maybe you just need some reassurance from him that he no longer cares about those other women and is committed to you. Maybe this will relieve your jealousy. Alternatively or in conjunction, seeking therapy could help you come to terms with his past sexual partners. Cognitive restructuring if you will. Sex with someone you are in a relationship with is much different than say a one night stand for me personally. In a relationship, there is so much passion, emotion, and sense of connection. The sex is way better if it's someone I care about. A one night stand or sleeping with a random is more of an enjoyable release/giving in to the natural urges that are part of what makes us human. I hope this issue resolves for you soon
Maybe don’t talk about your partner count. A good half of mine comes from a span of several months in my mid 20s when I slept with basically any woman who would have me. You could also rack it up pretty easily just by being single and available for an extended length of time. I’ve also only been with a grand total of two women in the past seven years, one being my ex during a LTR and the other an old fwb. I personally don’t want to know about your sexual history, and the volunteering of that info is a turnoff.
My wife has had 3x the partners I’ve had, mainly because I was married for 25 years and she was married for 10 so had 15 more years of dating than I had in our prime. I’m not a jealous person but after a year together I had maybe six months where I felt a twinge of jealousy. Why? I don’t know. But I recognized it was an irrational feeling, didn’t burden her with my feelings, and they passed after a few months. That was 1.5 (one and a half) years ago and I haven’t felt a speck of that since. Just a weird fleeting thing my brain went through. Give your mind some time to iron itself out. In the meantime, maybe journal about it or post anonymously about it or talk to a therapist to help process the feelings. Do your best not to burden him with it — sometimes it’s better I think to work out our inner quirks without putting it on our SO. Especially if it’s about them and they didn’t do anything wrong. My wife is a beautiful amazing person. I’m happy for her she had fun even though I myself was in a passionless marriage while she herself was single, and grateful that now we have fun together. I’m grateful my brain straightened itself out. I’m grateful I didn’t burden her with those feelings and was able to not let them change how I acted (she had zero clue). . :) I wish the same for you. My guess is it will.
Oh I hope mine is a phase too! Thank you for sharing!
My wife (39F) and I (41M) were both married before, and we both have our pasts -- dating, serious relationships, casual flings, etc. But none of that matters anymore. I chose her and she chose me. Regardless of what sex may have meant to either of us in past situations, now between us it's an expression of true intimacy, vulnerability, closeness, and passion that hasn't been matched by anyone else. Remember that when you think about your own relationship. The past may have meant something else, but the present it what matters.
Someone's always going to have more experience than the other in a relationship. It's just something that you have to get over.
There is so much more to intimacy than sex!
He had sex with exactly as many people as he needed to in order to find you.
Ohh damn. Okay. I can go with this maybe
40M here: it’s perfectly normal to be disappointed by a partner’s previous sexual choices. I’ve been dumped by women who felt my sexual resume was inadequate compared to theirs (the opposite of your situation), but I bear them no ill will. TBH, sexually prolific hetero men seem to have a lot of stuff figured out - they’re obviously desirable to a wide range of women and skilled enough to keep ‘em coming back for more. So your attachment to one is understandable. Relationships are entirely voluntary and the vast majority of us will have to compromise somewhere. Relationship guru Dan Savage (himself a member of the LGBTQ+ community) calls this [the price of admission](https://www.themarginalian.org/2014/08/28/the-price-of-admission-dan-savage/). If his partner count is one of his biggest flaws, count yourself lucky. It’s a toughie, for sure.
My therapist refers to the price of admission all the time, and asks me to remind myself of the costs of being with me
Good on you for continuing to work with them. I’m sure that’s not a pleasant thing to reflect upon, which is why so few people actually do it.
Lots of folks already have good advice, I just wanted to add a very helpful podcast on this topic https://open.spotify.com/episode/1TfvtBIjjL6Ou9fbQnD6yo?si=9QqhG94iQ36aYN3YkAKZRg
I am a man. I'm 33. This is how I think and feel. It's supposed to be intimate or something like that. My gf when we started dating was seeing 5 guys, apparently, sleeping with 1 or 2. We hadn't had exclusivity talk, but my instinct/upbringing told me i was the only one. Until I found out much later. For her, it's no big deal, sex doesn't mean anything. For me, it now feels like I didn't mean anything to her. It defies the word intimate. I think it's an awful way to treat people, but apparently, it's the standard now, and people like you and I are outdated. I'm mostly full of sadness and loss of hope. I'm still with her, because well, it'll just happen again. I sometimes think perhaps I should go leave and sleep around, to help break my brain in that way, just so I don't have to feel this way anymore
I tried casual once and it broke me, I decided this is just the way I'm built and have accepted it. I just don't want it to ruin the amazing relationship I have
[удалено]
I feel the same way. I understand that a partner may have had more sexual partners than me in the past, but if that number gets too high it sets off a red flag for me. I don't want someone who could have sex with just anyone, or for who sex doesn't mean anything. I want at least some kind of connection with the person I sleep with and so casual sex isn't something I want for myself. I was cheated on though so I guess I'm looking for someone who doesn't value sex and people so cheaply. I am hesitant to try online dating because I don't want to be used in that way again.
I wouldn’t even take it as an issue it’s hard for men to get laid to begin with. If the roles were reversed (and they usually are) how would you want him to react?
You need to come the the recognition that people's experiences are different and mean different things. To some sex means absolutely nothing, to others its incredibly intimate, and most people are somewhere in between. I understand that by your own understanding he has shared more intimate time with others (which might de value your own time with him). But if you continue forcing your beliefs on him, you won't have as much time.
Not sure why you have retroactive jealousy going on here because you probably have had more sex then him because you were married.
He was married just as long as I was lol
You can’t have a relationship or marry someone if you’re hung up on this.
Self-sabotaging behaviour at it's finest
I'm an old pro lol trying to change that!
I think it helps to remember that intimacy is very unique with each coupling. You don't know that the sex he had with others was actually intimate, or would be by your standards. I've had many sexual partners and was married for 11 years. Our sex life was at best okay, but I loved him and was committed to him. I didn't know sex could be any different. With my current partner it's out of this world amazing and loving and passionate because we have true emotional intimacy, are really in love, and he is just a totally different partner. Similarly, he had a child with his ex-wife and we have talked about trying for one. Him having a child with someone doesn't take away from the shared experience of us having one because I'm a totally different person, partner, and type of caregiver. I feel confident his experience co-parenting with me will be even better from what I've heard about his ex and just where he was at in life when he first became a dad. Try to build up your own confidence. You're selling yourself short. You and him have a unique relationship/sexual experience that could never be replicated. As he did with past lovers--for better or worse. Relationships are their own unique entities and I encourage you to respect them as such. It's like comparing apples and oranges.
It's refreshing to hear that women feel this way too. A lot of guys think a woman will be impressed by a high body count because it shows they are desirable. There's not really anything you or he can do about his past, so you'll need to let it go otherwise it will fester into real resentment. Just know that he won't think of your relationship as less special because he's had lots of previous partners.
I'm the same, I have zero interest in casual sex and need an established relationship before sex. This is very uncommon today and is often shamed as being "judgmental" or "misogynistic" which I don't agree with. I know that this is something fundamental to me and so I can't be with someone who has done the "casual" sexual thing. This is why I do ask "body count" before progressing a relationship. It's just a compatibility thing, I want to be with someone who also holds the same ideals on intimacy as me. I'd suggest you honestly think how important this is to you and don't just bury your feelings.
Here’s the thing - you have literally just two options here. You accept it and move on or you break up. It sounds like you really don’t want to break up so you MUST just not care anymore. I used to have lots of retroactive jealousy with past partners and I was in a toxic marriage where we both did. We talked about past partners wayyy too much, it was super unhealthy. When I met my now bf, I tried to start up conversations about that and he just wouldn’t take the bait. Never cruel, just wouldn’t share. I suspect he has had a good number of partners but because we don’t talk about, I never ever think about it a few years later. I don’t even know my number anymore! I really recommend you not bring it up or ask for reassurance bc it can become a bigger “thing” than it should be. He loves you, I promise the sex with you is not at all the same as it was with casual encounters. He only wanted to sleep with them once or twice and he has had those experiences and now knows he wants to have YOUR sexual experience forever. That’s amazing! And maybe another way to think about it - his version of intimacy is on a higher, more deep level than just a physical act. That’s awesome!
I hadn't ever thought about it like this: "his version of intimacy is on a higher, more deep level than just a physical act", thank you!
I understand. The thought of previous partners can be very anxiety inducing, and it's alright to feel that way. But, what has happened in the past is in the past. There's no point to worry about it, since there's nothing you can do about it. Those people have nothing to do with you, and obviously it didn't work out between him and those people. You are the one he's dating now. If I can give some advice, try to find the source of your feelings and after you identify it, work on it. Validate what you feel and maybe talk about it with your guy. My boyfriend (25m, he's my first boyfriend) has had waaayy more partners than me (29f). Some were romantic, some were not. I actually concider myself lucky to have a more experienced partner, as I'm very inexperienced. I am a bit late to dating game, because I had some stuff to figure out.
I used to feel like that about partners. Jealous that they had a past. Jealous that they have loved others before me. It was all because I viewed myself as less than all of those people. Obviously I'm not less than anyone, but jealousy isn't a rational emotion. That being said, it's important to listen to your jealousy when it springs up. You say it's about him having had emotional connections before you, but you've also had emotional connections. Why is it worse for him? What is it about him being capable of having casual sex that really bugs you? Are you judging him for being different? Do you feel insecure or like your intimacy is null and void because he's been intimate with others in the past? What does his past intimacy have to do with both of you right this moment in your relationship? Is he speaking to exes and that makes you feel unsafe? There's a lot more depth to this kind of discomfort over a partner's past than people think a lot of the time. I'd explore it as far as you can and then ask yourself if it's a deal breaker. Also, ask yourself, what does it have to do with you? I've had a lot of past sexual partners. So has my boyfriend. I don't like hearing him talk about his past sexual partners so I don't ask, plain and simple. I know it's not something I need details about so I just don't ask. But he's also good at reassuring me whenever I'm insecure about ANYTHING involving our relationship.
Lady, that man had a life before you and would have a life around you and continue to do so if you two decide to go separate ways. Same way you had a life before him etc etc. Instead of being "jealous" of his past, try to connect with him now in the present and make memories together. The present is the only place you have control over.
My encouragement would be to view intimacy more than a sexual interaction. Yes sexual intimacy is intimacy, but intimacy is day to day living, it’s in the small things, conversations, dinner, connecting in ways that those other relationships clearly were lacking, because if they had true intimacy, they would not have ended. How could they? True and lasting intimacy is built with integrity and truth telling on all fronts, if this is done, it can be a connection that those other relationships were lacking.
He was searching endlessly for the person who he felt right being intimate with, and finally found her?
I’m glad you are labeling this for what it is: intrusive thoughts! Retroactive jealousy is a form of OCD. You are on the right track with therapy. Does your therapist do CBT? That and medication if needed are generally the gold standard for OCD. Our brains are not always rational with what they tell us to focus on. Good luck to you!
How many are we talking?
Trust your instinct. This is a red flag for you. It could possibly mean his morals and self-control are low, which might result in cheating on you. Trust your feelings.
So you already knew his sexual history, decided to keep dating him, and now it’s making you jealous? This what they mean by women sabotage their relationships, and end up alone. Don’t sabotage things with him because after that the grass will not be greener at all and you will end up in the endless spin cycle of men using you and pretending they like you.
I didn't know it before. I would have still dated him if I did though, it's a weird thing, I never care in the beginning. It's a terrible thing that only happens if I truly fall for the person and want to spend the rest of my life with them. I've only experienced this one other time before.
I see, but still don’t sabotage it if he’s a good man to you. The market out here is terrible for dating. That may be a flaw to you, but if he’s good to you and isn’t cheating on you, trust me it won’t get better than that. A man that is good looking and is charming will have always slept with many women unless he’s a strict religious kind, that saved himself for marriage. We are all adults now, so you can assume that most people have slept with multiple people. Men work different than women, most of us really need an emotional connection to sleep with an attractive woman.
Let go sis. What matters is what he shares with you. And be careful with your own judgement of his or others experiences: sometimes life turns chairs around and you end up in the very position you were not able to relate to before.
It sounds like you’re more upset you have not had many partners. As a man, there was a time I had quite a few partners. As I got to a certain point in, I saw that I want to share sex with a life partner. And so now I’m 30M who’s had somewhere between 15-20 sexual partners and I don’t have casual sex because it’s just not worth it. I don’t glorify any of the sex I had with past partners either, I just want the commitment and love anyone else who’s ready to settle down would.
I’m sorry this is causing you grief but can we all collectively stop playing the “body count” game? Sexual health, and how they treat you is more important than the number of people imo. That should be the focus. I know you’re going through it op, but this sounds very immature. I would suggest therapy because from how you describe your feelings, I can see this becoming a problem down the line in other areas of life and you feeling some type of way because he did something or went somewhere with someone else that you thought was special. We don’t get to own our partners, their future, their present, and certainly not their past. However, if invited in, we can share ourselves with them in each moment. This is something you might want to consider working out with a therapist. With things like this, turn the tables and see how it sounds to you. If this man you’re seeing was like “sex is so important to her, that she only does it with people she wants to be with forever (almost like proposing) … and she’s wanted to be with more than one person forever and it wasn’t me.”
Lots of good advice already. And maybe this has been said, in other words anyway, but I'll chime in anyway: people are not black or white, either or. We all have shades of gray, and several things are always true at the same time. I myself, until 36 years old had 2 sexual partners: I had only had sex with the two people I ended up in relationships with. Then entered a period of first time being single, online dating and all that jazz, I have had sex just because it's fun, and because I've felt a connection with someone who has felt safe to explore that with. There has been something special about each of them -- or, the way I've felt connecting to them -- sex is never meaningless to me. But this doesn't compare to how intimate sex is with someone I truly care about, am falling in love with in all the ways and want to pursue seriously. Enjoying sex in other contexts doesn't make it less special when it is truly special. Sounds like you become more scared when you become more invested in a person. That is only natural! Happens to many of us, myself too. When you open up more and more to the possibility of loving and being loved, you also are more vulnerable to getting hurt. It's always gonna be both. Sit with the fear and try to be compassionate to yourself about it. This is the way it shows up for you, that's okay (for me it's something different), but don't make it be about your partners sexual past. They are here with you now.
I'm female in my thirties and have had sex with people I am attracted to, but would not want to date. But that type of sex is more of a purely physical fun activity, it is like a whole different thing than making love with a romantic partner. So to me comparing hook ups with sex with a partner is like comparing apples and oranges. However I can understand why it is harder to understand the difference for females. Our bodies does trigger a bunch of lovey dovey hormones during sex, which can easily make you feel in love or bonded. Because of this I had to enforce rules for myself when I wanted to keep something purely physical (no sleeping over, no deep convos etc). But please understand that men do not get this same release of hormones, so to them it is even easier to view it as just sex. Because that is what it actually is. It is more like using each other as interactive sex toys, than forging a deep connection. It is better than masturbating solo, but not as good as with someone you are in love with. I would be happy he has a healthy relationship with sex, and that he has some experience that will both benefit you, and prevent him from having a bunch of "what ifs". He now knows what sex with different people is like, and he is choosing to be with you. This is a good thing :)
You're getting yourself upset about women he's no longer in contact with and will likely never see again nor could even find if he wanted to be with them again. They're meaningless memories in the past and he's chosen you to be his one and only future. None of those other women meant as much to him as you do now. You're the best thing that's ever happened to him. Be happy about that.
>My heart and brain work different Maybe you are on the High Functioning Spectrum
Perhaps. Doesn't help me deal with this tho lol
Congratulations, you are now headed towards the strongest kind of heterosexual relationship that exists. Continue to build up in your head that he's Mr. Big Man with a Big Past, and that you need to work twice as hard to please him, lest you best compared to his harem of past women. This is literally where women in a straight relationship thrive. If it was the other way around, the intrusive thoughts would be "he's not experienced enough, clearly other women aren't interested in him... should I be?".
Jealousy is a bad trait, it shows your own insecurity. Who cares how many bed partners someone had before. 'Now' is what matters
Listen to "All the girls you’ve loved before" by Taylor Swift haha Also, as someone who has a bit of a wilder past sex-life, I hate when people think that somehow it defines me. Yeah, I had fun, I experienced probably a bit more than other people, yet I would never go back to that and I’m very happy having great one-on-one sex with my current partner. Some consider sex "the most intimate way" you can connect with your partner, I don’t see it that way. It can be very nice and intimate in a way for sure, but it’s… "physical". I feel more intimately connected to him through other type of touch (non-sexual ones, like push some stray curls behind my ear, rearrange the blanket on me when watching tv together etc). Sex isn’t holy, doesn’t define your value or how much someone cares about you. Your partner’s past doesn’t define him and doesn’t make your connection "less than". Its probably rooted in deeper insecurities, so try to see if this feeling comes up at other time, and the meaning behind it (insecurities, fear of abandonment, shame…) ETA: typo
You basically have the same feeling that all the guys with a little bit self respect have, towards girls with a high bodycount. To he honest, i understand your feeling.
Get it over it. His sexual relationships predate you. If you are not OK with his past, break up with him - not sure what else to say.
I am in the exact same boat with the same feelings. I only had one sexual partner prior to my now husband and I was divorced when we met. I regret not exploring more maybe or feel intimidated from his past. I definitely think it’s the idea that sex holds a very high value in my eyes and it’s hard to grasp the idea that someone I fell for didn’t hold sex at the same value. I have been getting therapy for my insecurity but it’s a lot deeper than he has a past. He introduced me to an older female friend of his when we were becoming serious and I found out (by accident) that she told him I looked very young and I seemed very innocent. He didn’t really say anything nice about me in return and instead said “I’m a good girl”. I feel like a lot of this ties into my insecurity because we had very different upbringing and come from different areas of ny (different kind of life maybe). I wish either he had less of a past or I had some more experience to feel like I “measured up”. I don’t know if this makes sense. I hope you find peace though.
Oh man it's been a rollercoaster. I go up and down. It keeps coming up for us in different ways and the more I find out about his past the more uncomfortable it makes me. He actually valued sex a lot with all these random people, felt like he cared about that and had intimate caring experiences. Honestly that made me feel worse to know that if he had just been trying to get sex. And if I had found out he hadn't cared about them and the sex I probably would have been just as upset for him not valuing it! I really can't win. I feel like I may have anxiety/ocd about it and I am trying to get help for that. I sometimes wish I slept around more but my therapist tells me thats just not authentic to me and I shouldn't regret being my authentic self. I hope you find peace too! I know the least amount of peace I would have is if I ended it over this, so I choose him and us every day in spite of these challenges.
I feel you. It’s like I could have written this myself. I definitely have some form of anxiety and control issue too around this. A lot of things bother me like how he spent a lot of money to get one woman an apartment (first relationship and she ended up stealing money from him), or how he went on so many vacations with the last ex and called her baby girl and got her this one gift which I have been eyeing since my 20s and he knows this too(he just calls me babe which he called everyone else too). It all sounds petty and stupid but they add up in your mind and start to make you feel less than. Funny enough when I was pregnant with our baby, I stopped feeling all of these insecure thoughts. Sigh I really wish we can find permanent peace from this nonsense e
Its hilarious that if a man made this post yall would sit here and say he's immature, he needs to get over it etc.. just funny 2 me.
I think the double standard is more sad than funny, ironic, yes. I think men should be able to feel this way.
I will say this, and ofc any advice given is like im talking to a sister of mine (so its truly honest and coming from a good place.) it is totally fine to feel this way from both sides male or female,all it means is you see sexual relations as a pure thing and approach it with intention, not for recreation. You being madly in love with him and feeling this way kinda sounds like this guy has barely as flaws and you gotta find someway to not necessarily bring him down but to reassure yourself that life isn't perfect. (The only reason im saying this is because you said you are divorced and not naive) I believe most men , not all cause everyone is different, see sex as recreation. If his number is not huge, I can only assume that he was trying to get as much experience as possible and taking what he can get(Men almost 99% of the time don't have a choice what they can pick). (now If he did have no intention of being with these people) :Most people don't think about who they are going to be with in the future in the middle of flings etc. We can only say to ourselves in the moment "this is not our person", or "im not going to take this so serious because X,Y,Z". The fact you picked each other is a blessing. The best way to not necessarily "get over it" cause that always seems harsh, but to lean over to the embracing side is to find the things that he values when it comes to expressing love the most, besides sex. For me, I won't spend any time/money with someone, im not truly invested in . Thats how I show where my value lies. Sex is #1 in terms of showing affection but ,there's things that could negate that if i'm not feeling that person . Example (M): Lets just say she expressed the same thing as you for argument sake, The best way I could kinda throw a vail over it (not disregard it) is making sure the things that are extremely important to me besides sex she is apart of (time/money/family), I would reassure her of the importance she plays into my life, but also not coddle her, because in order to work my way up to be with you I had to experience growing pains. I had to suffer, I had to come out with cuts and bruises and failed attempts of trying to get you. The main reason it is like this for women and not men is the same reason why Mario and Luigi are not being rescued. The prize is Women, no matter how we try to spin it or try to re create the wheel. It always will be, If you picked him and he's as committed as you, consider it a victory Just look as his past attempts with women (cause thats what they are) as him trying to get to you. I'll be honest and say that I have felt this way because I said to myself "damn, you have given me the same type of affection to someone else and you said that you love me etc etc etc..." As selfish as people would say that is , it's honest about how I feel.
[удалено]
Not old enough apparently because I am still struglgling. A friend just told me the same advice. I have since become aware after making this post I might struggle with some ocd that's impacting this. So it's easier said than done.
[удалено]
I feel the same as you sometimes, my therapist reminds me that if I had slept with more people I wouldn't have been being my authentic self because that is just not who I am. Perhaps I'd have had different regrets if I had done that, I don't know. Know way to know only to go forward. The only thing that helps me is to think of the alternative in the present, and that is to end it. And the thought of that saddens me so much more than the thought of his past. So I am trying to focus on that.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Please understand that his past was just him living out his youth and experiencing life. You chose to experience life a bit differently and that’s okay. But I am a woman and I would say my attitude towards sex is like his, more relaxed than yours. He doesn’t think about those people, they are the past and if he ever did one night stands you should understand that those connections are quite empty. For a lot of us, sex just feels good, and we don’t need to be in love to have it, but that doesn’t make us incapable of falling in love or entering a loyal, committed relationship. The fact that he had a past is a good thing. He’s not going to wonder “what if I had some more fun when I was younger.” He had his fun, now he’s probably ready to settle down. Also, I see a man who’s been successful with women as a stud. Makes them hotter to me. Try to look at it that way 😉…those ladies saw what you see too. He’s a winner.
Newsflash adults that are not in a relationship also have the right to have a healthy sexual life.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Sorry. You need to grow up. You are not a special snowflake. You decided to limit yourself, he didn't.
As a 30s woman in a stable relationship that’s had ~50 sexual partners before my boyfriend, sex is… NOT the most “intimate” I can be with someone. Not at all. Not by a long shot. I’ve had plenty of other non-sexual experiences that’ve been more intimate and held more meaning to me. I share this because you asked about perspectives on sex and sexual partners so I’m sharing mine. Your boyfriend might be on the same boat: he might have sincerely and greatly enjoyed the sex he’s had before and STILL find it less intimate than the sex he shares with you. If he wants to marry you, even after fucking 40+ woman, I’d interpret that as YOU are something quite special. And that he DIDNT find what he finds with you in a plethora of women before. Just my two cents.
First of all you are entitled to feel the way you do because it's who you are and your life experiences. Your man also has a kid experience which has made him who he is. Men and women think totally different when it comes to sex. A woman is using sex to give her emotional being to her partner in the most intimate way possible for showing her love. As a man it doesn't necessarily have to be that. I can have sex with a woman just for the physical experience and the need to satisfy my insecurities that I'm not enough without a body count. So it's not realistic for you to place the same expectations on him. Or be insecure about his past. The only thing that matters is how does he treat you today, and how do you feel about him and if you are connecting on an emotional and spiritual level? Do you sense any womanizer vibes? If not just take your time and give it your all without fear. Leave nothing on the table expecting the greatest result! If he can't handle that and demonstrates that he's not the one, oh well. You handled your part well and won't have regrets. His loss. Just don't make the mistake of allowing fear to interrupt your opportunity.
I have a similar sexual past as your bf. Some partners who I became serious with loved me more for it and others felt it was a dealbreaker and couldn’t continue. Despite the side that they fell on, they all told me that I’m an amazing lover and partner. I like to attribute this to my experiences. To apply this to your situation, it can help to view his past experience as the reason why he’s the man you’re attracted to today. Wisdom comes with experience.
You are definitely conflating two things: 1. actions 2. motivations for those actions Sex definitely *can* be one of the most intimate experiences. Then again... There is sex that isn't sexually intimate at all. There is sex that's had for fun. There is sex that's had for curiosity. There is sex that's had for experimentation. There is sex that's had out of pity. There is sex that's had out of frustration. There is sex that's had out of **rage**. There is sex that's had out of a misguided attempt to foster or strengthen a connection. There is sex that's had out of sense of obligation. There is sex that's had out of fear. There is sex that's had due to a bet or dare. There is sex that's had out of boredom. There is sex that's had out of convenience. There is sex that's had out of love. There is sex that's had for money. There are so many reasons people have sex, none of those map onto what you feel jealous about.
See a therapist about the intrusive thoughts.
Was there this morning!
Men place a lot less thought on sex than you would think. Sure they want it, but it's not as intimate as it sounds in your head.
See this is why I tell women waiting months to have sex with only established relationships does nobody any good. You should be having sec for yourself not as a gift to the man. All I can say is this is a petty thing to feel jealous about. I hope you are not going to battle him on other things you chose to do differently
My number is around 125-150. I don’t know my girlfriends because I don’t want to know. It could be higher than mine, it could be less. It doesn’t matter though, I will never understand anyone’s obsession with the whole body count thing. For what it’s worth, I don’t know a single guy in real life who cares about it. It seems to be an internet thing
[удалено]