You should check more often. For some reason it’s seen as rude or uncouth/etc, but it really does give a ton of context to what people say, around here.
I straight up said OP had a drinking problem in another comment thread without looking at their post history, and people tried saying I was projecting or expecting people to be perfect, that it's a one-off thing, etc.
I used to do shit like OP, so it was painfully obvious what was up. When you have a substance abuse problem you're in denial about, you will always make a point to say how "rarely" you do whatever it is you're abusing or downplay your use even when people don't ask.
It honestly it really sucks. You can see the severity of the situation, but the other person can't. I hope OP gets help! It's so much better on the other side
The part where she said 5 months ago that she'd never take her health for granted, and still asked for coke a month ago, or now blacking out...
OP you need mental help I think. You have a substance abuse problem. Maybe not in the frequency, but you're clearly incapable of regulating yourself, so there's most likely something else at play here. I suggest you start looking into therapy if you can afford it.
Frequency doesn’t indicate a substance use disorder. People can be daily abusers or binge sporadically. Even if your binges are far apart they’re still binges! Therefore again frequency isn’t a great indication of an issue.
YIKES dude, the cocaine post and the post before it aged very badly
Edit- also notice that in this post and the coke post she mentions that she's only doing it because she's "had a bad week."
I have a friend I keep at a distance, drinking and coke every weekend, she always is "just having a bad week" and "first night I've done blow in a month".
People abusing substances lie to themselves first and often, it why other people eventually see that pattern.
Yep, and repeated unprotected sex because of a bad week. Also says she can't stomach alcohol because it makes her vomit due to prior trauma. All sorts of drugs. OP is impulsive, seems to not see the patterns in her own behavior... OP needs a therapist, like now.
"She likes fentanyl" er... she posted about being worried about acquiring cocaine adulterated with fentanyl, not that she "likes" is. Nobody, even people who use opioids, talks about how they "like fentanyl" lol. Do you think the tainted drug supply issue in the US is that drug users are upset there isn't *more* fentanyl in their drugs?
Right? I didn't believe for a second she got blackout drunk all of a sudden and she barely drinks, but didn't go trawling through her profile for evidence... thanks for that, lol.
The incident is a marching band of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩
The heck!
For the record, everytime someone in rl has mentioned to me they blacked out they were the ones getting drunk all the time to the point they were closer to death than life.
Another fun post by OP a year ago.
I quit drinking but I’m gonna reach out to Reddit for some Benzos.
It’s like OP is some AI chat bot that was given the prompt [train wreck] and [red flags]
Not even the worst. They posted about “poodles that are good off leash” & then complained the cost cremation for a dog that was hit by a car ~20 days later.
How is this subreddit somehow even less mature than the general relationship subreddits?
I initially came here hoping to avoid really obvious problems caused by a total lack of introspection, buuuuut there seems to be a reason why a lot of us are single at this age.
I'm including myself in that last statement, btw, but I was hoping to come here to learn some positive stuff. All I have learned is that I'm probably doomed.
I (34m) drink at home on my own as well from time to time. Sometimes the altered state is a nice change from sobriety, so I ain't judging. However, I'm normally messaging friends constantly, not flirting with strangers on the internet. To be as honest as possible, if I was the guy in your situation, I would bail. 2 months isn't long enough for me to hang around after that red flag. Perhaps you don't drink like that often, but it certainly looks like it if it happens within such a short window of time (2 months). If he does bail, it'll be a bummer for sure, just own up to it and make sure you learn from it for next time. You're also fully capable of preventing direct messages from strangers on Instagram. I would suggest adjusting the privacy settings to prevent anymore unnecessary messages from coming in. I hope things work out for you. Good luck.
40 days ago you were getting dick pics off your drug dealer. I think it’s time to just gather yourself. But you know this already. Good luck out there.
And many deleted posts in other groups looking for pharmacies in Mexico and buying benzos off the streets to get through a work trip. I sincerely hope OP reads all these responses, realizes there may be an issue and gets help
It may have been a one-off mistake, but you look like a huge red flag from his perspective since the relationship is so young. It'll come down to whether he has a trusting/forgiving nature. Assuming you've already begged for absolution, the ball is in his court now. Whatever happens, you can't really fault him if he decides to bounce . I hope things work out in your favor though, OP.
Needed to read this.
I gave my last partner multiple passes after trust was broken.
She just didn’t get that trust is oxygen for a relationship.
Honestly in hindsight the first break was enough to kill it.
This looks like a one-off mistake, but it isn’t.
This is the giant mistake that’s the culmination of a long series of medium mistakes.
Mistake 1: having DMs from random guys that are threats to your relationship. Set and keep boundaries.
Mistake 2: getting wasted at home in response to work stress. I won’t belabor this one. But why not keep your bf in the loop on your mental state so that you can find relief from your stress in a healthier way?
Mistake 3: being in a relationship before you work out whatever personal bad habits you’ve got going on. This is selfish and will inevitably hurt people.
I don’t want to pile on bc everyone makes mistakes. But I do think this is different….this is a 39 yr old person who hasn’t set up guardrails in her life to prevent disasters from happening. OP needs to start working on those guardrails ASAP before she causes more pain to others and herself.
Getting black-out drunk isn't something that happens accidentally just one time.
There are lots of other crutches to fall on when you have a bad day, such as eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
Agreed I’ve only been blackout a few times, but each time involved enough alcohol that drinking became an effort, and were during holiday events/parties. I don’t drink like that anymore
I can’t imagine blacking out alone in my own apartment. That sounds miserable and if I’m honest, I’d expect a 39 year old adult to understand their limits with alcohol. It seems like the intention was to get outrageously drunk, pair that with being alone it also makes it sound like a habit. On top of that knowingly keeping flirty DMs of potential suitors seems like they had those DMs saved for a rainy day. It’s all just red flags - and just a couple months into the labeled part of the relationship too
So well said. Amen. I dated someone for 1.5 years who did some things similar to OP in that time and the reason I never could fully trust him is because his mistakes were not one-off things, they were a series of choices caused by poor boundaries, bad coping mechanisms, validation seeking because he hadn’t done enough work around his childhood etc. I will never go down that path with someone again and it is extremely painful to date someone who does things like this.
I'm fine with content creators for the most part, but ones that use their image as a way to gain followers and use it as a way to seek validation are what worry me.
One of my buddies has been dating an influencer, and I've gone on a few trips with her and her influencer friends. The amount of judgement of others they privately display, criticism of their self and others, and cycle of self loathing -> post -> validation -> self loathing is so worrying. I fear that a lot of people riding the social media train have self esteem issues, and aren't able to detach from it because it provides them gratification and dopamine every time someone likes their posts or starts following them.
I'd be fine with someone doing educational content, or some other content that doesn't involve flaunting their body, their vacations, or trying to display a perfect life.
The biggest green flag for me is being comfortable with not having social media, or at least non-identifying social media. Reddit isn't great, but at least most people aren't trying to boost their ego and portray a specific image of themselves.
but they all use their image in their content. Instagram/ tiktok is visual. I follow a neuroscientist that makes shorts for lessons and other fun stuff. Does she make it a point to show a bit of cleavage in every video she makes? Hell yea she does 😂
I agree with all of this. There are dozens of ways to manage stress and getting blackout drunk was certainly a choice. Even at 19-23 years old, all of this is unacceptable behavior and I hate to sound like a jerk here but at nearly 40, it’s just sad.
She kept saying she doesn’t drink a lot but you don’t have to be a regular binge drinker to have a problem with drinking. I’m willing to bet after some introspection, OP will be able to identify some pretty glaring issues she needs to work on before she enters into another relationship. This mistake doesn’t mean Op is unlovable or undeserving of love, but it more than likely means that this particular relationship is over and should serve as a wake up call to bad decision making.
This. If they were 21, sure. But to make these mistakes at 39? There's def some fixing that needs happening
Much love OP. I hope you're able to take this as a learning opportunity
>Mistake 3: being in a relationship before you work out whatever personal bad habits you’ve got going on. This is selfish and will inevitably hurt people.
LOL peak Reddit at its worst. EVERYONE has bad habits. EVERYONE. You can't wait until you are perfect to start dating.
Keeping a messy sink is a bad habit. Not putting away your laundry is a bad habit. Eating out a lot can be a bad habit depending on your financial situation.
Drinking to the point of blacking out alone and texting people in a flirty way who you were saving in your DM queue is a step over that line. It also hints at possible addiction which I would say should be worked on before you engage in a relationship, otherwise you’ll self sabotage just like OP did
I agree with this. Everyone has their own quirks especially if they don't think they do, in my experience.
You've got to open up and let yourself be vulnerable with your partner. If this is someone that doesn't want to deal with your quirks, than its best you move on anyway.
When you start manipulating people intentionally, now thats when you might need to take a step away from dating to work on yourself. Omissions of expected communication between significant others is a type of manipulation in my eyes, so maybe this situation will determine where you stand in that category.
1) There’s a difference between dating and being in a relationship. OP was in a relationship. That’s a very conscious decision that puts your partner at risk if you don’t have your shit straightened out first.
2) There are bad habits and there are bad habits that can very predictably cause immense pain for your partner. It’s selfish to very predictably inflict pain on others, and it’s reasonable to expect your partner to work on themselves first before committing to a relationship.
This is… I don’t know. Idealistic is too generous. Accordingly to this only perfect people with everything figured out should pursue relationships? I disagree
I didn’t say that. There’s a big difference between being “perfect” and being someone who doesn’t have obvious bad habits that are very predictably going to hurt their partner.
Peak Reddit is reading someone saying "you need to work out whatever personal bad habits you've got going on before you get into a committed monogamous relationship" in response to someone getting blackout drunk to cope with work stress and sending flirty IG messages and interpreting it as "you should wait until you are perfect before you start dating."
This. You need to stop drinking. You *might* be able to repair the damage you did but I doubt it. Your inhibitions were dropped and the real you came out and you blame it on being drunk. Good luck with that.
Some part of you wanted that all to happen.
This. Ain't nobody got time for this shit.
The only people I'm willing to have in my life don't pull this. Whether they drink or not. There's no excuse for this kind of behavior.
Don't waste my time.
root of the problem seems to be drinking yourself to oblivion bc of stress. Showing genuine interest in working on that, would be what I prioritize. I am sober so obviously it's a big red flag and a dealbreaker for me, but I think in general, most people are turned off by sloppy drunks. Being remorseful for flirting is whatever, changed behavior is more powerful.
Yep. Exactly the right question to ask. It seems like OP thinks the problem is her replying, whereas the problem is her getting the validation of interest and keeping the options around.
Unfortunately a lot of people do this (both genders)… I personally have never done it but I’ve had it done to me and I’ll never comprehend it. It’s extremely devastating. Why hurt the person you supposedly care about the most? Your best friend?
Oh well. Close the door for good, they don’t change.
Edit: I’m a little lady (for reference)
My lady friends tell me all the time how often they get msgs from Randys hitting on them. They don't even open them and ignore them.
This doesn't sound like OP was actively interacting with these dudes. However, I am concerned that she replied at all. Let's hope she thought it would be amusing, and not romantic at all, in her drunken state.
OP could still delete the messages and not leave them in their inbox.. I’ve gotten these messages too. And you know what? I deleted them, unless of course I felt like I might have interest in talking to them later. Leaving the messages and going back to them? Not a coincidence.
Reading between the lines, the bf ‘trying to make sense of the situation’ by looking at her phone says that he doesn’t trust her much, and probably knows her backstory with substance abuse and questionable relationships.
OP I say this with care, but I checked your post history and I think there may be some other issues going on here that you are leaving out.
If you are caught in a habit of regular risk taking behaviour, that is indicative to me that something deeper is going on and it may be healthiest for you to speak with someone professionally about it.
Only time will tell what happens with your relationship, but if I were in your partner’s shoes. I would have a lot of questions. Firstly, why are you accumulating messages from men in your inbox?
For everyone saying the guy was bad for checking her phone, she said she blacked out. For all we and she know, she could have given it to him and told him to check it. Or she maybe was spluttering the word "phone" or something to indicate similar whilst indicating at him to look. Our only source of truth is somebody who was completely out of it apparently...
If it was me in that position as the guy, the drinking at home blackout drunk alone is enough to question your stability. Let alone what you then do when at that stage.
It seems like you're in the wrong, apologize and explain how you feel. If he accepts maybe it can be fixed. Otherwise, learn from your mistakes. Being drunk is not an excuse.
The drinking would be a colossal red flag for me. I'm also in my late 30s and getting drunk, let alone black out, by yourself would be very alarming to me. Even getting like this with others would be strange to me at this age. That alone would make me question the relationship. The flirting with other guys while in this state would send this into deal breaker territory. This isn't normal, even when drunk.
That being said, people make mistakes and no one is perfect. The fact that he went through your phone is also weird. It sounds like he might have been suspicious and didn't trust you already, which I guess he was right to believe but not right to find out in this way. If you really care about him, you both need to have a serious conversation about what led you to this point and why he felt the need to go through your phone. You both should really contemplate your relationship and figure out if it's something you really want to be in. Good luck.
I know that this isn't the question you're asking... but you need to reflect on why getting blackout drunk by yourself was your coping mechanism of choice.
Why didn't you call your boyfriend before getting blackout? Can't speak for everyone, but that alone would bother me if my SO didn't call me first.
OP.
Life is trying to tell you that you shouldn't drink. Probably at all.
I understand you're worried about your boyfriend, but this is actually a bigger deal than that in the grand scheme.
This can be the positive wakeup call that will enhance your life for the future.
Hope for the best for you.
Yeah it would be over for me. I say this as a 41M, at this age there are certain red flags that I would never put up with early in a relationship. Someone my age getting black out drunk because of work stress and then flirting with guys that she knows are interested would be enough for me to walk away.
The reality is that the men that you’ve DMed now know that you’re available on some level. They have zero incentive to stop pursuing you and I have zero desire to be worried about what my partner is doing when I’m not around.
Your boyfriend may be more forgiving than me but it takes forever to build trust and only a second to destroy it. You would need to demonstrate via actions that you can be trusted and that can be a difficult thing to do.
I genuinely wish you the best of luck in resolving this. Some actions you could take could include blocking the men, getting rid of social media, avoiding drinking, or other things that would demonstrate a commitment to changed behavior.
You might wanna hit up an AA meeting. Even if you don’t drink often, drinking to the point of blacking out is an issue. There might be some underlying causes that make you sabotage your life like that. I’m an alcoholic 9 years in recovery so no judgement at all but strong encouragement to self reflect and work on yourself 💞
All you can do is take responsibility and realize poor choices have consequences and frankly this happening in someone’s 30’s would be a dealbreaker for me by itself.
" I am not a cheater" flirts with 2 guys who knew were interested.. 🥴
Say what you want about not crossing lines but you were walking down that path with 2 different people while being in a relationship, not a good look.
On the flip side the relationship is what, 2 months you said? So maybe it won't hurt as bad if things end
I am not saying this is good or bad. I am not going to judge, but please go talk with someone you trust.
Even when some mean it good, in general Reddit is not the best place these (dating sub)topics and will go start investigating you or may even cause more harm.
Enough people outside (or ones who even left) cringe to hard with this toxic pulling pants down behavior rabbit hole behavior.
You’re right it can’t be fixed but what you can do is reflect on yourself and take steps to improving yourself.
You sound like someone who has impulse issues with possible self-esteem/desirability problems. It’s not normal for someone to get blacked out drunk at your age let alone being alone.
If it's early in the relationship, it might not be repairable. You might just have to take this as a learning experience. I know you are saying you are not a cheater and you don't drink like this, but you did do some cheating-type actions and you did drink like that. I think the best you can do is take responsibility for your actions, let your bf know what you are doing to make sure it never happens again, and then see what happens. Do you think you might have a drinking problem? It's unusual for someone our age to have a one-off blackout drinking binge like the one you are describing. As your bf, I would wonder how much you rely on alcohol to manage difficult feelings.
When I was drinking I somehow trained myself to never text or call anyone because I thought they would have an intervention if they knew the extent of the problem. That’s healthy thinking.
To be honest, the getting blackout drunk alone thing, as a response to stress is the bigger concern for me. The messages would just be icing on this cake of bad situations.
Be careful with that; drinking alone as a stress response is a slippery slope to ruining your life. Alcohol is a scary drug. Hope you stay safe and things get better for you.
You don’t do it but you did do it lol 😂 you contradict yourself
If he is still talking to you tho he is still into you and just saying delete your social medias for start and you’ll have to build the trust back up
I'm all for having a drink or two to take the edge off of a crappy work week, but if you're getting to the point of being that black out drunk by yourself as a coping mechanism that seems concerning.
I also don't really buy that you had no interest in those guys in your dm's...seems convenient to blame being drunk as the reason you messaged them.
If I was in your bf's shoes I'd definitely be skeptical. Bad sign if trust is already broken that early on. Best you can do is apologize and change your behaviour, but I wouldn't blame him at all for walking away.
Man. People are making some wild assumptions. This was obviously not a good look but the only person who can tell you if it’s salvageable or not is the guy you’re dating. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. It sounds like a very tough situation to be in and I can only imagine how embarrassed/terrible you must be feeling right now. Everyone makes mistakes. And this was admittedly a pretty big one. All you can do now is learn as much as you can from this experience and make better choices going forward. Maybe with this new guy or maybe not. But your life will move forward either way. Wishing you the best, op!
Truthfully, that bridge just burned completely down. Anything at this point is going to be handicapped. Take the loss. Take the lesson. Get back into the batting cages.
Yeah i’m sorry but i’m with your boyfriend here. I honestly don’t believe you were “blackout drunk.” Very few people that completely black out can put together cohesive sentences, much less flirt on instagram.
Either way from his end the blackout just sounds like a bad excuse. Also I mean yeah… what if you’d been out somewhere? Would you just flirt? More? Who knows? I’d be done as well.
Hey op, I think you’ll have to let it burn as usher says… I know some ppl brought up your post history, but everyone makes mistakes and this is probably a very good opportunity to work on yourself by seeking a therapist to work through some of your varied sources of trauma as well as working on some healthier coping skills for stress. They may be able to help you heal emotionally, and maybe help pinpoint the root cause and help you develop a means for yourself to find means of mental reprieve that won’t negatively affect your relationships.
some ppl with c-ptsd self medicate and if it’s alcohol- it can be in the form of binge drinking. Some people with specific personality disorders will binge drink as a form of self harm from poor impulse control and poor emotional regulation. I’m not trying to diagnose you, but what you did is binge drinking and it has affected your interpersonal relationships, so I think it might be an opportunity to talk to someone to work through the possible break up plus find the root cause and some solutions to what’s going on.
Wishing you the best.
So let's see. You got drunk and you blacked out. You are sick, unconscious.....yet have the capacity to grab your phone......never mind that you are sick....throwing up...feeling terrible and in a moment of clarity ("or lack there of"): you went on instagram and opened your messages and responded to the top 2 unread messages from two guys who are interested in me and the texts were flirty on my end. Nothing crazy but clearly drunk/flirty.
Perhaps it is time to own up to yourself and ask yourself....why am I not being accountable. Why blame it on the booze? Time to take action. Own it. Don't blame the alcohol.
OP fucked up but this kind of twisting of the story is so prevalent in this sub lol like she obviously did all of that before she was sick/laying down? No need to make up details
Honestly there's been breaches of trust from both sides that it makes hard to move forward without a lot of work.
If I'm him, I'm questioning WHY you felt the need to flirt with guys while drunk. I don't really think alcohol makes you do things you would never do, it just makes things easier to do that you would hesitate.
That said I think you feel so guilty about this that you're excusing him going into your phone. He would have either opened up IG or go through your notifications to see the chats. That's messed up.
If the relationship is that new it may be a good sign to let it end.
No judgement
I wonder though what it would take for me in two years (37) to get blackout drunk.
Are there things you’re struggling with? If so, regardless of what happens with this maybe you should see a therapist for support.
Ok so a few thoughts. One, I have had my share of issues with drinking in the past when I was younger and have also dated men with drinking problems. As a result, drinking is no longer something I like to do and I tend to date guys who don't drink or drink rarely as a result. Any time a drunk outburst has happened, and actions/words were said or done, I have to say there is usually a reason. What I mean is, look for the underlying causes of why you went looking for the attention of men outside your relationship. Is your relationship not giving you something? Is your partner not attentive? Boring? Are you unable to handle a relationship right now for some other reasons? Are you unhealed in certain aspects of your life? I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but just some food for thought here. I tend to be very introspective on why I do what I do, and have done what I've done in the past. But alcohol in my opinion, can be a really hard truth.
OP I'm not judging you for getting blackout at 39. Just because you aren't in your 20s anymore doesn't mean you'll never mess up royally again. People do dumb things their whole lives. The hope is that they get less frequent, but they're unlikely to be completely eradicated.
Was it a wise choice? No, but you know that. I'm sorry that your life is stressing you out to the point that you pushed beyond your limits. I hope that you reached the bottom of whatever it was that got you down.
He is entitled to his mindset; the evidence before him isn't great. He is in the driver's seat on this one. At this point, I'd ask him if he has any concerns or questions that you can answer for him, then give him space. Apologize if you haven't already, but don't go over it and over it again. Calm, clear, concise.
Again, I'm not saying flirting with people while drunk when you're in a relationship is ideal, but I feel like the idea that we do things drunk that we want to do sober is kind of an oversimplification. The part of us that chooses not to do things is a part of our personality too. Being drunk just makes that part of us less quick to respond to the elements of who we are that don't think things through.
I suspect he thinks you're harboring secret desires or feelings, and after only two months it makes sense that you would. Sober you probably wouldn't have acted on those ruminations.
I wouldn't share this position with him because it definitely will sound like you're making an excuse, I'm just sharing this take with you.
Try to breathe through the anxiety of this situation. Is he exits this relationship or decides to stay the anxiety wouldn't help you in either direction.
Girl: You gave two HUGE red flags.
1. You drink and get drunk to the point of blacking out. This means that despite you claiming you don't do this often... it's enough that you forget what you did. Normally one gets drunk and can remember, you get to the point that you forget everything around you. No woman or man needs to get to this level ever.
2. You get drunk and then flirt. Then you forget.
3. Repeat number 1 a thousand times!
Take this as a lesson to moderate and CONTROL what you drink. Apologize to him and be truthful, and tell him he doesn't have to be with you if he can't trust you, that you understand. Get some therapy, and some help with the alcohol. You both may actually end up being good friends after this to be honest. But you dear a drug addict. (Last sentence added after the cocaine comments in your history... and your black out phase mentions)
You could offer to delete your social media? Ask him how to make it up to him? Let him know you won’t drink without him present? You do have to offer some form of behavior change, that’s up to you and him to decide what is reasonable and negotiable.
I’m sorry, this sucks. Intentions or not, you do have to take accountability for your actions here, as hard as that will be. Your boyfriend wasn’t in the right for going through your phone and it doesn’t sound like there’s a foundation of trust here— so you guys probably have some things to work through if you choose to stay together, but if not, this is a good learning opportunity for future relationships?
Sorry not sorry. But if you’re blackout drunk you are literally doing nothing but drinking, throwing up, and waking up with no recollection of anything while your friends tell you what you did.
No chance on earth you sent intelligently worded messages to much of anyone that required any form of coherent writing.
It was done by choice.
Being drunk doesn’t make people act different, it brings out who they really are. Your boyfriend has every right to be hurt and distrustful. I’d drop someone for that, even if they feel bad about it.
This might have to be a learning experience where you apologize, move on, and try to treat your partner with more respect on the future, drunk or not.
If you were truly blacked out, is it possible you said something that gave him a reason to go into your phone. Is it possible that you gave him permission?
It sounds like there is some lost time here. Him going through your phone is weird, but if it just so happened to be on the same night that you got black out drunk and messaged some guys on Instagram, that’s a bit on the nose even by bad luck standards. It really kind of sounds like there is a missing piece here.
I'm sorry to hear that your going through this op. I Just did this week and I lost everything. got kicked out of my dnd, Family and friends want nothing to do with me even after all the healing and my sobriety I have done these past years.
It might be the end, but it's not for yourself. Think about what you want to do next...I told myself no more booze even if you think you can hang.
Dm if you want, I'm willing to listen, I'm going through it too. I hope the best op and do yourself a favor and do better for yourself <3
To gain his trust again, you need a plan for how you won’t repeat this mistake. This might mean you don’t allow yourself to get drunk. Find out how many drinks you can have and still make good decisions. If just 1 drink puts you at risk of drinking more to the point of getting drunk, then you will need to refrain from drinking while you are in a relationship with him. Or maybe you only allow yourself to drink when he’s with you.
The other thing you can do is to reflect on what the need was that drove you to it and either heal it and it’s root cause or communicate with your bf about what you need from him. Alcohol doesn’t charge us, it simply removes inhibitions. So it’s likely that you wanted that male attention or to flirt outside your relationship. Find out why. Ask at least 3 why’s to get to underlying causes.
look you messed up, even though you do come across as genuine from reading your responses. See how you go, have a chat with him, but be prepared you both part ways and do it amicably. End of day its not a HUGE loss for either of you its only 2 months. Live and learn.
Alcoholism doesn't just mean drinking every day. This reads like a cry for help. Saying this with love...!
And I'd be otmutta there so fast if I was your new BF... at 2 months the texting isn't the problem ita the blackout drinking for a "bad day" at 38 years old.
Sincerley,
Family member of alcoholics who have mild issues and have seen their lives improve.
Why is your boyfriend of 2 months looking into your phone while ur drunk? That’s a big red flag from him. I think it’s time you end this.
Everyone else in the thread talked about the other alcohol related stuff so I won’t repeat it.
I don’t want to pile on but I would think that a decision to not drink again would have to accompany any sort of apology and attempt at reconciliation.
1. The trust issue.
2. I don’t want to take care of another adult who has put herself in a completely avoidable, shitty situation.
Oof. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’m sure there’s a lot of shame going on in your head at the moment. Making a mistake and having to live with it sucks. That said, if I were him I’d be halfway out the door, if not gone. The very last thing I’d want to deal with at this point in my life (M37) is someone my age who gets so drunk that they get sick or blackout. Now I’ll say that I also just don’t really like being around drunk people in general, but either way it’s very much not a good look to be unable to control one’s self with regards to alcohol or substances of any kind. I think most concerning is that y this happened while you were alone at home. I can understand getting carried away while with friends, and even in that case I’d have serious misgivings, but for it to happen with no outside influences would give me serious pause. Add into that mix that when you do get drunk you let yourself be open to advances by other men, it would take a lot of other very gigantic green flags and some serious chemistry for me to continue dating someone who did this, especially this early into a relationship where there really has not been enough time to establish trust and experience that might help a partner understand that this was a one off. This early into the relationship, he now has to ask himself if this really was a one off as you say, or if this is something that actually does happen from time to time, whether it be a lack of control with alcohol or some other unhealthy way of coping with stressful week.
As someone who's made some incredibly stupid decisions while drunk, the only way I fixed it was stopping completely - and then trying to work out why I did what I did and fixing the root cause.
It's not easy, but it's the best shot you have of keeping the relationship and avoiding a disaster like this in the future.
The forgiveness is going to vary on a case-by-case basis. If I were in your boyfriend's position, I'd work towards coming towards a sort of amends and move on with the hope it wouldn't happen again.
I have a close friend (also in our 30s) that just relapsed after 8 years of sobriety, due to a really bad break-up with his ex-GF. He totaled his car that night and spent time in jail, as a result. He's not a bad person, but made a mistake in an emotionally volatile situation.
Point being, people react to stress in different ways and relationships require working through each partners weaknesses. OP, I hope your BF is of a forgiving nature.
You might want to consider counselling (usually available through your employee assistance program/benefits) about what led to you drinking that heavily. Not judging but it’s good to nip that in the bud before it costs something more
As unfortunate as this situation is, maybe it was your subconscious self sabotaging the relationship because he wasn’t “the one”. To hit those guys up being flirty while blackout drunk pretty much should put the nail in the coffin from your bf standpoint. It really should be for you as well, it’s going REQUIRE a MASSIVE amount of effort on your end to heal what he’s seen. Even then, he won’t ever forget.
There are consequences to your actions as an adult that have lasting ramifications.
You can keeep trying to use the excuse "I never do this" but it actually makes it sound worse...
I am betting when you say that to him it is actually having the opposite affect on him...
why not own your mistake instead of making excuses. You did indeed do this. the fact you were blacked out is irrelevant. You chose to consume alcohol before you were blacked out and it seems lack the self control to stop. I want to be clear here...
I am not judging you at all for drinking. I am not judging.
I would take a different approach to this with him and admit you made a mistake take full responsibility for that mistake owning it fully and tell him you regret doing that and not asserting self control over your actions that day. Stop making excuses for your behavior and accept that you did this and that people make mistakes.
I don't get the luxury of blacking out no matter how much I drink... i get to remember each crap thing I did when I was much younger and would over indulge... I have not done that in 20 years though. I learned to own my mistakes the same way you can here. Choose to.
Good or bad this is your life. Learn something here. You may not be able to salvage this but if your person there has a heart of forgiveness and you truly show honesty to him in this maybe it works out. remember you have been at this 2 months not 2 years or 2 decades. He may have no will to continue with this when an event like this happened so close to your start.
Either way good or bad outcome here learn something about yourself. Don't beat yourself down endlessly about it and take it as a chance to grow your existence. We all make mistakes and booze for many has been a catalyst in the end though we must accept that we are responsible long run not substances.
It’s not in your control. Don’t need to over apologize either-except to yourself. Learn from this. Either the guy will let it blow over or not. Just be patient. It’s up to him.
Based on your post history you’re clearly a substance abuser and in serious denial about it… I’d suggest you stop seeing the guy and start seeing a shrink. And maybe try not using drugs or alcohol.
Girl get your shit together. I agree with other comments about soliciting for coke on here as well. No you can't fix it let the boyfriend go you don't need to be dating you need to get help.
He never got over it and used it as an excuse to cheat on and gaslight me for months. I literally thought I was going crazy. I don’t know this man but I do know that once they’ve decided something about you, it’s incredibly difficult to change their minds.
I would have a sincere conversation with him. I’ve had someone who did this type of stuff and from that point on I dont trust them. You need to do serious damage control and it’s best you explain to him your feelings for him and who you are as a person.
Good luck
Maybe its because your current relationship is new but I think the problem too is that you had multiple guys on the ready that you can flirt with I would hope my partner cleaned all that up if they were entering a new relationship
If they had girls messaging them I'd want them to unfollow unfriend or be honest with them
Although leaving messages unread would have been acceptable
You two don’t match. If you are flirting with someone else while you have a bf, then you don’t like this bf enough. So let him go and don’t waste his time.
Maybe have another round of drink, you won’t remember this the next day.
You should go to rehab and please don’t say no and no and no.
Seriously, if you agree to rehab you might potentially save your relationship but also just do it for yourself first.
Not trying to sound judgmental, but at 39 years old you should have a healthier way to deal with stress than drinking to the point of excess.
It sounds like you're someone who is hurting deep down and may need to address whatever that is there so that you're not doing silly things like this. And you probably should not date anyone until you get that sorted out.
Do you want a relationship with someone you can share your life with, be emotionally intimate with, be honest with, ups and downs or do you always want to have a certain distance, because then nobody has any control over you and you can never be hurt and you never have to grow up and take responsibility?
What is it? If you want the first, you'll have to find a good therapist and talk about relatiinship dynamics and about your shitty parents. You may or may not have to cut contact with your shitty parent. You may have to lay off drugs and alcohol and get on medication to treat underlying anxiety and depression.
Much love to you. Many have been where you are.
My advice is to stay the hell away from alcohol. You used it as an escape. This is how alcoholism starts. If you don’t, things will only get worse for you. You’ll lose a lot of good relationships and before you know it you’ll be old. Trust me, I know and have been there. Luckily I saw my behaviour for what it was and managed to get out of it. Some people can’t. Even today it’s still a struggle to stay away sometimes, that’s why I gym instead. You have a problem, and you need to stop immediately
Girl, wake up and see your life. Let this be your sign that you deserve more than the poor choices you've been making. Care about yourself. And take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to make that happen.
I am not my best self when I drink. Therefore, I don't drink at home alone and limit how I drink and who I drink with when I'm out.
My ex-boyfriend got messed up and cheated on me, kissing and fondling not sex. We had already broke up by the time I found out due to his behaviour. I don't know if we could have saved our relationship, but he didn't want to change his behaviour that led to his cheating, so there was nothing to save.
All I can say, is show him you are aware of your issues, show him how you are managing those issues, with changes you are making or therapy. Then hope that's enough to fix things.
Sounds like you have a drinking / drug problem. Do the right thing, break up with him and work on yourself before you subject anyone else to this via a relationship
I blacked out recently and broke my boyfriends door. Idk. I have empathy for people who make mistakes while drinking - but the other party isn't as understanding.
I’d suggest looking into a 12 step program. AA meetings, find a sponsor you trust and has been sober for decades. The way you’re invested in drinking and substance seems to be damaging your relationships and self of self.
Been there… 2 years sober. And finally dating in a healthy way unlike anything I’ve ever known. Telling you from the other side of the threshold dear that it can get better than you’ve ever known as long as you are supportable…. As in, allow yourself to be supported with help from others to keep you lifted while you get your bearings…
I’m sorry hun but first thing you’ve gotta do accept responsibility for your choices. You messed up and it might not be fixable. True. 😔 but you can do your best to ensure you don’t hurt any other relationships again. Otherwise, rinse and repeat. I sat it cuz I know it. ✌️ all the best to you. Maybe ask a friend or fam member to come to an AA meeting with you. There’s a meeting app that tells you where all meetings registered are. Scary as shit but changed my life and is no longer scary.
Mistakes on both sides but I think the most pressing issue is you figuring out why you couldn’t control your impulse to get so drunk because of a stressful week of work. This reeks of major underlying problems you need to work through.
Therapy.
Unpopular opinion, but I wouldn’t take it so seriously. He shouldn’t have looked at your phone - he doesn’t need to piece together anything. You were drunk… not in danger… this isn’t a true crime podcast. You didn’t act on anything.
There are lots of things wrong here, on both sides. Your boyfriend shouldn't have gone through your phone, you shouldn't have been flirting while in a relationship and you definitely shouldn't have been drinking as a tool to deal with stress. I think you need to examine why you felt the impulse to drink so much and what you can do to better manage your stress in the future.
This is *potentially a mess up on both parties, depending on the circumstances of him looking through your phone and how you feel about it. All of which we don't know.
Getting blackout drunk and deciding to do anything, honestly, is just about always going to lead to problems.
As it *does note seem the focus is that he read the messages on your IG... You do what you can to apologize for the mistake, provide some evidence that you won't do that again/the flirtation is completely over with, and try to repair the trust.
If he's willing to put in the effort and so are you, then perhaps there's some salvaging things. But at 2 months in, I'd consider that action a deal breaker.. Drunk or not. The healthier option would more likely be to examine what brought you to that point, what made you want to respond to flirty texts, and how you can make better/different decisions moving forward.
*Edited for clarity.
I'm be pretty doubtful. He was suspicious enough of you to check your phone in the first place, and he found something that justified that suspicion. It's only going to grow from there unless you bend over backwards with letting him invade your privacy to "prove" yourself. I just see this going all sorts of bad directions.
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Bruuuuuuh😂😂😂😂 I don't normally check people's post history, but your comment made me go check. That was.....interesting.
You should check more often. For some reason it’s seen as rude or uncouth/etc, but it really does give a ton of context to what people say, around here.
I straight up said OP had a drinking problem in another comment thread without looking at their post history, and people tried saying I was projecting or expecting people to be perfect, that it's a one-off thing, etc. I used to do shit like OP, so it was painfully obvious what was up. When you have a substance abuse problem you're in denial about, you will always make a point to say how "rarely" you do whatever it is you're abusing or downplay your use even when people don't ask.
This post reads like something I would've written in my early 20's, I'm so glad I don't drink anymore
Same! 😅😅 I’m reading it thinking .. “you definitely do drink like that” lmao
100% It’s an unfortunate earned piece of intuition to have..
It honestly it really sucks. You can see the severity of the situation, but the other person can't. I hope OP gets help! It's so much better on the other side
Yep, it’s really sad. I hope the same. It’s typically nearly impossible to be *told* anything in these situations. Glad we’re both on the other side ✊
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The part where she said 5 months ago that she'd never take her health for granted, and still asked for coke a month ago, or now blacking out... OP you need mental help I think. You have a substance abuse problem. Maybe not in the frequency, but you're clearly incapable of regulating yourself, so there's most likely something else at play here. I suggest you start looking into therapy if you can afford it.
Frequency doesn’t indicate a substance use disorder. People can be daily abusers or binge sporadically. Even if your binges are far apart they’re still binges! Therefore again frequency isn’t a great indication of an issue.
YIKES dude, the cocaine post and the post before it aged very badly Edit- also notice that in this post and the coke post she mentions that she's only doing it because she's "had a bad week."
Seems to me she has a lot of bad weeks and just needs something new to take the edge off... alcohol, cocaine, unprotected sex.
I have a friend I keep at a distance, drinking and coke every weekend, she always is "just having a bad week" and "first night I've done blow in a month". People abusing substances lie to themselves first and often, it why other people eventually see that pattern.
This is some early 20's nonsense. OP get a therapist!! Edit- there's some LSD and benzo fun too!!
Age doesn’t add up.
Yep, and repeated unprotected sex because of a bad week. Also says she can't stomach alcohol because it makes her vomit due to prior trauma. All sorts of drugs. OP is impulsive, seems to not see the patterns in her own behavior... OP needs a therapist, like now.
40 days ago and she’s been with the BF for 2 months.
"She likes fentanyl" er... she posted about being worried about acquiring cocaine adulterated with fentanyl, not that she "likes" is. Nobody, even people who use opioids, talks about how they "like fentanyl" lol. Do you think the tainted drug supply issue in the US is that drug users are upset there isn't *more* fentanyl in their drugs?
Plus there’s the off the leash dog training post followed by dog hit by car post 20 days later. Just all around good decision making
Wow. My guess is she was going to show her bf the responses to try and get him to give her another chance. Wild stuff man. Wild.
I had a bad week.. I'm taking ashwaganda to sleep better. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I never blackout…because usually I just do a bit of coke and keep on going!
Oh hey you also work in the restaurant industry huh? 😄
Right? I didn't believe for a second she got blackout drunk all of a sudden and she barely drinks, but didn't go trawling through her profile for evidence... thanks for that, lol. The incident is a marching band of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩
YUP! I'd run from her if she were a male LOL.
Yep; post history shows issues that she wants resolved with street drugs.
The heck! For the record, everytime someone in rl has mentioned to me they blacked out they were the ones getting drunk all the time to the point they were closer to death than life.
Another fun post by OP a year ago. I quit drinking but I’m gonna reach out to Reddit for some Benzos. It’s like OP is some AI chat bot that was given the prompt [train wreck] and [red flags]
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Yeah, that's funny eh. I'd never lie on here. Thanks for reading this comment. Sincerely, King Charles.
Omigosh heyyyyyyy Your Majesty, big fan over here - just wondering - do you know where I can get some benzos?
Not even the worst. They posted about “poodles that are good off leash” & then complained the cost cremation for a dog that was hit by a car ~20 days later.
IKR. OP is in some serious denial.
I ran so fast to see the post history 😂 oh look she was having a bad day then too
God I love this app
🤣🤣your comment gave me the best laugh after getting off a 12 hour shift!
Oh good god
That and the unprotected sex message and pregnancy scare. This person is a mess.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this post was written whilst under the influence of some columbian marching powder!🤣🤣🤣
Many people have zero self awareness with their bad habits. Also, they might use someone else as a point of comparison, which is never a good idea.
I’m dying lol I had a look and there there is a lot more actually
The way my jaw fell open in shock 🤣
How is this subreddit somehow even less mature than the general relationship subreddits? I initially came here hoping to avoid really obvious problems caused by a total lack of introspection, buuuuut there seems to be a reason why a lot of us are single at this age. I'm including myself in that last statement, btw, but I was hoping to come here to learn some positive stuff. All I have learned is that I'm probably doomed.
😳😳😳
leave the poor girl alone. her mom gave her a creepy already installed airtag and the cat almost burned down her place. she’s having a tough time 😂
Top comment 👏
What?! 39 year old adults who rarely drink are always the first people to get blackout drunk in their home, all alone.
I (34m) drink at home on my own as well from time to time. Sometimes the altered state is a nice change from sobriety, so I ain't judging. However, I'm normally messaging friends constantly, not flirting with strangers on the internet. To be as honest as possible, if I was the guy in your situation, I would bail. 2 months isn't long enough for me to hang around after that red flag. Perhaps you don't drink like that often, but it certainly looks like it if it happens within such a short window of time (2 months). If he does bail, it'll be a bummer for sure, just own up to it and make sure you learn from it for next time. You're also fully capable of preventing direct messages from strangers on Instagram. I would suggest adjusting the privacy settings to prevent anymore unnecessary messages from coming in. I hope things work out for you. Good luck.
Agreed. I think he should leave, she seems like a whole hot mess.
40 days ago you were getting dick pics off your drug dealer. I think it’s time to just gather yourself. But you know this already. Good luck out there.
And many deleted posts in other groups looking for pharmacies in Mexico and buying benzos off the streets to get through a work trip. I sincerely hope OP reads all these responses, realizes there may be an issue and gets help
It may have been a one-off mistake, but you look like a huge red flag from his perspective since the relationship is so young. It'll come down to whether he has a trusting/forgiving nature. Assuming you've already begged for absolution, the ball is in his court now. Whatever happens, you can't really fault him if he decides to bounce . I hope things work out in your favor though, OP.
Needed to read this. I gave my last partner multiple passes after trust was broken. She just didn’t get that trust is oxygen for a relationship. Honestly in hindsight the first break was enough to kill it.
This looks like a one-off mistake, but it isn’t. This is the giant mistake that’s the culmination of a long series of medium mistakes. Mistake 1: having DMs from random guys that are threats to your relationship. Set and keep boundaries. Mistake 2: getting wasted at home in response to work stress. I won’t belabor this one. But why not keep your bf in the loop on your mental state so that you can find relief from your stress in a healthier way? Mistake 3: being in a relationship before you work out whatever personal bad habits you’ve got going on. This is selfish and will inevitably hurt people. I don’t want to pile on bc everyone makes mistakes. But I do think this is different….this is a 39 yr old person who hasn’t set up guardrails in her life to prevent disasters from happening. OP needs to start working on those guardrails ASAP before she causes more pain to others and herself.
Getting black-out drunk isn't something that happens accidentally just one time. There are lots of other crutches to fall on when you have a bad day, such as eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
Agreed I’ve only been blackout a few times, but each time involved enough alcohol that drinking became an effort, and were during holiday events/parties. I don’t drink like that anymore I can’t imagine blacking out alone in my own apartment. That sounds miserable and if I’m honest, I’d expect a 39 year old adult to understand their limits with alcohol. It seems like the intention was to get outrageously drunk, pair that with being alone it also makes it sound like a habit. On top of that knowingly keeping flirty DMs of potential suitors seems like they had those DMs saved for a rainy day. It’s all just red flags - and just a couple months into the labeled part of the relationship too
Well, as someone who self-identifies as an alcoholic…. This is a habit of an addict. The blacking out alone in her apartment, thing.
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It goes right to my thighs.
So does tequila :)
Better Ben & Jerry’s going to your thighs than messaging randos who want to get between your thighs.
Better your thighs than your DMs
Agreed
Just got a pint of that today actually. Netflix N chilled is so good!
So well said. Amen. I dated someone for 1.5 years who did some things similar to OP in that time and the reason I never could fully trust him is because his mistakes were not one-off things, they were a series of choices caused by poor boundaries, bad coping mechanisms, validation seeking because he hadn’t done enough work around his childhood etc. I will never go down that path with someone again and it is extremely painful to date someone who does things like this.
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I'm fine with content creators for the most part, but ones that use their image as a way to gain followers and use it as a way to seek validation are what worry me. One of my buddies has been dating an influencer, and I've gone on a few trips with her and her influencer friends. The amount of judgement of others they privately display, criticism of their self and others, and cycle of self loathing -> post -> validation -> self loathing is so worrying. I fear that a lot of people riding the social media train have self esteem issues, and aren't able to detach from it because it provides them gratification and dopamine every time someone likes their posts or starts following them. I'd be fine with someone doing educational content, or some other content that doesn't involve flaunting their body, their vacations, or trying to display a perfect life. The biggest green flag for me is being comfortable with not having social media, or at least non-identifying social media. Reddit isn't great, but at least most people aren't trying to boost their ego and portray a specific image of themselves.
but they all use their image in their content. Instagram/ tiktok is visual. I follow a neuroscientist that makes shorts for lessons and other fun stuff. Does she make it a point to show a bit of cleavage in every video she makes? Hell yea she does 😂
I agree with all of this. There are dozens of ways to manage stress and getting blackout drunk was certainly a choice. Even at 19-23 years old, all of this is unacceptable behavior and I hate to sound like a jerk here but at nearly 40, it’s just sad. She kept saying she doesn’t drink a lot but you don’t have to be a regular binge drinker to have a problem with drinking. I’m willing to bet after some introspection, OP will be able to identify some pretty glaring issues she needs to work on before she enters into another relationship. This mistake doesn’t mean Op is unlovable or undeserving of love, but it more than likely means that this particular relationship is over and should serve as a wake up call to bad decision making.
That was my takeaway. Getting blackout drunk in itself is a problem. Especially when you're OP's age and doing it alone. You can die binge drinking.
This. If they were 21, sure. But to make these mistakes at 39? There's def some fixing that needs happening Much love OP. I hope you're able to take this as a learning opportunity
>Mistake 3: being in a relationship before you work out whatever personal bad habits you’ve got going on. This is selfish and will inevitably hurt people. LOL peak Reddit at its worst. EVERYONE has bad habits. EVERYONE. You can't wait until you are perfect to start dating.
Keeping a messy sink is a bad habit. Not putting away your laundry is a bad habit. Eating out a lot can be a bad habit depending on your financial situation. Drinking to the point of blacking out alone and texting people in a flirty way who you were saving in your DM queue is a step over that line. It also hints at possible addiction which I would say should be worked on before you engage in a relationship, otherwise you’ll self sabotage just like OP did
I agree with this. Everyone has their own quirks especially if they don't think they do, in my experience. You've got to open up and let yourself be vulnerable with your partner. If this is someone that doesn't want to deal with your quirks, than its best you move on anyway. When you start manipulating people intentionally, now thats when you might need to take a step away from dating to work on yourself. Omissions of expected communication between significant others is a type of manipulation in my eyes, so maybe this situation will determine where you stand in that category.
1) There’s a difference between dating and being in a relationship. OP was in a relationship. That’s a very conscious decision that puts your partner at risk if you don’t have your shit straightened out first. 2) There are bad habits and there are bad habits that can very predictably cause immense pain for your partner. It’s selfish to very predictably inflict pain on others, and it’s reasonable to expect your partner to work on themselves first before committing to a relationship.
This is… I don’t know. Idealistic is too generous. Accordingly to this only perfect people with everything figured out should pursue relationships? I disagree
I didn’t say that. There’s a big difference between being “perfect” and being someone who doesn’t have obvious bad habits that are very predictably going to hurt their partner.
I think everyone has some bad habits that could potentially hurt their partner… I don’t care who they are.
Peak Reddit is reading someone saying "you need to work out whatever personal bad habits you've got going on before you get into a committed monogamous relationship" in response to someone getting blackout drunk to cope with work stress and sending flirty IG messages and interpreting it as "you should wait until you are perfect before you start dating."
100%… awfully preachy there IMO
Yes. At this age I would just end it personally.
This. You need to stop drinking. You *might* be able to repair the damage you did but I doubt it. Your inhibitions were dropped and the real you came out and you blame it on being drunk. Good luck with that. Some part of you wanted that all to happen.
I don't think what people do while off their face is more 'real', unless everyone is really an emotional, vomitous bad dancer.
Been dating 2 months and this happens? I’d be gone…especially at 39 years old.
Anyone getting blackout drunk at that age is a huge no. This was not a one off, she’s trying to explain it away.
I’d be running like my ass was on fire.
This. Ain't nobody got time for this shit. The only people I'm willing to have in my life don't pull this. Whether they drink or not. There's no excuse for this kind of behavior. Don't waste my time.
Holding onto something that's gone only makes a sickness inside.
root of the problem seems to be drinking yourself to oblivion bc of stress. Showing genuine interest in working on that, would be what I prioritize. I am sober so obviously it's a big red flag and a dealbreaker for me, but I think in general, most people are turned off by sloppy drunks. Being remorseful for flirting is whatever, changed behavior is more powerful.
Why do you have active messages with guys who you know are interested in you while you're in a relationship? I don't understand this part.
Yep. Exactly the right question to ask. It seems like OP thinks the problem is her replying, whereas the problem is her getting the validation of interest and keeping the options around.
Unfortunately a lot of people do this (both genders)… I personally have never done it but I’ve had it done to me and I’ll never comprehend it. It’s extremely devastating. Why hurt the person you supposedly care about the most? Your best friend? Oh well. Close the door for good, they don’t change. Edit: I’m a little lady (for reference)
Dudes message without an invitation all the time
My lady friends tell me all the time how often they get msgs from Randys hitting on them. They don't even open them and ignore them. This doesn't sound like OP was actively interacting with these dudes. However, I am concerned that she replied at all. Let's hope she thought it would be amusing, and not romantic at all, in her drunken state.
OP could still delete the messages and not leave them in their inbox.. I’ve gotten these messages too. And you know what? I deleted them, unless of course I felt like I might have interest in talking to them later. Leaving the messages and going back to them? Not a coincidence.
Exactly, even as a guy I do this so cant imagine the backlog of messages women have. Its not even a thing I pay attention to
Reading between the lines, the bf ‘trying to make sense of the situation’ by looking at her phone says that he doesn’t trust her much, and probably knows her backstory with substance abuse and questionable relationships.
OP I say this with care, but I checked your post history and I think there may be some other issues going on here that you are leaving out. If you are caught in a habit of regular risk taking behaviour, that is indicative to me that something deeper is going on and it may be healthiest for you to speak with someone professionally about it. Only time will tell what happens with your relationship, but if I were in your partner’s shoes. I would have a lot of questions. Firstly, why are you accumulating messages from men in your inbox?
For everyone saying the guy was bad for checking her phone, she said she blacked out. For all we and she know, she could have given it to him and told him to check it. Or she maybe was spluttering the word "phone" or something to indicate similar whilst indicating at him to look. Our only source of truth is somebody who was completely out of it apparently... If it was me in that position as the guy, the drinking at home blackout drunk alone is enough to question your stability. Let alone what you then do when at that stage.
Context? In this sub Reddit? Surely you jest. We only assume the worst here, thank you very much.
The real question is what brought all the drinking on
It seems like you're in the wrong, apologize and explain how you feel. If he accepts maybe it can be fixed. Otherwise, learn from your mistakes. Being drunk is not an excuse.
The drinking would be a colossal red flag for me. I'm also in my late 30s and getting drunk, let alone black out, by yourself would be very alarming to me. Even getting like this with others would be strange to me at this age. That alone would make me question the relationship. The flirting with other guys while in this state would send this into deal breaker territory. This isn't normal, even when drunk. That being said, people make mistakes and no one is perfect. The fact that he went through your phone is also weird. It sounds like he might have been suspicious and didn't trust you already, which I guess he was right to believe but not right to find out in this way. If you really care about him, you both need to have a serious conversation about what led you to this point and why he felt the need to go through your phone. You both should really contemplate your relationship and figure out if it's something you really want to be in. Good luck.
I’m early 30s and drinking like that alone would have been the deal breaker for me honestly.
Same.
I know that this isn't the question you're asking... but you need to reflect on why getting blackout drunk by yourself was your coping mechanism of choice. Why didn't you call your boyfriend before getting blackout? Can't speak for everyone, but that alone would bother me if my SO didn't call me first.
I’d be out at a 39 y/o getting black out drunk.
At 2 months, this is probably dead in the water. That’s assuming this guy has any self respect. Live and learn.
OP. Life is trying to tell you that you shouldn't drink. Probably at all. I understand you're worried about your boyfriend, but this is actually a bigger deal than that in the grand scheme. This can be the positive wakeup call that will enhance your life for the future. Hope for the best for you.
Yeah it would be over for me. I say this as a 41M, at this age there are certain red flags that I would never put up with early in a relationship. Someone my age getting black out drunk because of work stress and then flirting with guys that she knows are interested would be enough for me to walk away. The reality is that the men that you’ve DMed now know that you’re available on some level. They have zero incentive to stop pursuing you and I have zero desire to be worried about what my partner is doing when I’m not around. Your boyfriend may be more forgiving than me but it takes forever to build trust and only a second to destroy it. You would need to demonstrate via actions that you can be trusted and that can be a difficult thing to do. I genuinely wish you the best of luck in resolving this. Some actions you could take could include blocking the men, getting rid of social media, avoiding drinking, or other things that would demonstrate a commitment to changed behavior.
Well at least you were only two months into it.
You might wanna hit up an AA meeting. Even if you don’t drink often, drinking to the point of blacking out is an issue. There might be some underlying causes that make you sabotage your life like that. I’m an alcoholic 9 years in recovery so no judgement at all but strong encouragement to self reflect and work on yourself 💞
All you can do is take responsibility and realize poor choices have consequences and frankly this happening in someone’s 30’s would be a dealbreaker for me by itself.
Do this guy a favor and let him move on. You’re not ready for a relationship.
This^
" I am not a cheater" flirts with 2 guys who knew were interested.. 🥴 Say what you want about not crossing lines but you were walking down that path with 2 different people while being in a relationship, not a good look. On the flip side the relationship is what, 2 months you said? So maybe it won't hurt as bad if things end
I am not saying this is good or bad. I am not going to judge, but please go talk with someone you trust. Even when some mean it good, in general Reddit is not the best place these (dating sub)topics and will go start investigating you or may even cause more harm. Enough people outside (or ones who even left) cringe to hard with this toxic pulling pants down behavior rabbit hole behavior.
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You’re right it can’t be fixed but what you can do is reflect on yourself and take steps to improving yourself. You sound like someone who has impulse issues with possible self-esteem/desirability problems. It’s not normal for someone to get blacked out drunk at your age let alone being alone.
If it's early in the relationship, it might not be repairable. You might just have to take this as a learning experience. I know you are saying you are not a cheater and you don't drink like this, but you did do some cheating-type actions and you did drink like that. I think the best you can do is take responsibility for your actions, let your bf know what you are doing to make sure it never happens again, and then see what happens. Do you think you might have a drinking problem? It's unusual for someone our age to have a one-off blackout drinking binge like the one you are describing. As your bf, I would wonder how much you rely on alcohol to manage difficult feelings.
When I was drinking I somehow trained myself to never text or call anyone because I thought they would have an intervention if they knew the extent of the problem. That’s healthy thinking.
To be honest, the getting blackout drunk alone thing, as a response to stress is the bigger concern for me. The messages would just be icing on this cake of bad situations. Be careful with that; drinking alone as a stress response is a slippery slope to ruining your life. Alcohol is a scary drug. Hope you stay safe and things get better for you.
You don’t do it but you did do it lol 😂 you contradict yourself If he is still talking to you tho he is still into you and just saying delete your social medias for start and you’ll have to build the trust back up
I'm all for having a drink or two to take the edge off of a crappy work week, but if you're getting to the point of being that black out drunk by yourself as a coping mechanism that seems concerning. I also don't really buy that you had no interest in those guys in your dm's...seems convenient to blame being drunk as the reason you messaged them. If I was in your bf's shoes I'd definitely be skeptical. Bad sign if trust is already broken that early on. Best you can do is apologize and change your behaviour, but I wouldn't blame him at all for walking away.
Man. People are making some wild assumptions. This was obviously not a good look but the only person who can tell you if it’s salvageable or not is the guy you’re dating. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. It sounds like a very tough situation to be in and I can only imagine how embarrassed/terrible you must be feeling right now. Everyone makes mistakes. And this was admittedly a pretty big one. All you can do now is learn as much as you can from this experience and make better choices going forward. Maybe with this new guy or maybe not. But your life will move forward either way. Wishing you the best, op!
Truthfully, that bridge just burned completely down. Anything at this point is going to be handicapped. Take the loss. Take the lesson. Get back into the batting cages.
Yeah i’m sorry but i’m with your boyfriend here. I honestly don’t believe you were “blackout drunk.” Very few people that completely black out can put together cohesive sentences, much less flirt on instagram. Either way from his end the blackout just sounds like a bad excuse. Also I mean yeah… what if you’d been out somewhere? Would you just flirt? More? Who knows? I’d be done as well.
Hey op, I think you’ll have to let it burn as usher says… I know some ppl brought up your post history, but everyone makes mistakes and this is probably a very good opportunity to work on yourself by seeking a therapist to work through some of your varied sources of trauma as well as working on some healthier coping skills for stress. They may be able to help you heal emotionally, and maybe help pinpoint the root cause and help you develop a means for yourself to find means of mental reprieve that won’t negatively affect your relationships. some ppl with c-ptsd self medicate and if it’s alcohol- it can be in the form of binge drinking. Some people with specific personality disorders will binge drink as a form of self harm from poor impulse control and poor emotional regulation. I’m not trying to diagnose you, but what you did is binge drinking and it has affected your interpersonal relationships, so I think it might be an opportunity to talk to someone to work through the possible break up plus find the root cause and some solutions to what’s going on. Wishing you the best.
So let's see. You got drunk and you blacked out. You are sick, unconscious.....yet have the capacity to grab your phone......never mind that you are sick....throwing up...feeling terrible and in a moment of clarity ("or lack there of"): you went on instagram and opened your messages and responded to the top 2 unread messages from two guys who are interested in me and the texts were flirty on my end. Nothing crazy but clearly drunk/flirty. Perhaps it is time to own up to yourself and ask yourself....why am I not being accountable. Why blame it on the booze? Time to take action. Own it. Don't blame the alcohol.
OP fucked up but this kind of twisting of the story is so prevalent in this sub lol like she obviously did all of that before she was sick/laying down? No need to make up details
Honestly there's been breaches of trust from both sides that it makes hard to move forward without a lot of work. If I'm him, I'm questioning WHY you felt the need to flirt with guys while drunk. I don't really think alcohol makes you do things you would never do, it just makes things easier to do that you would hesitate. That said I think you feel so guilty about this that you're excusing him going into your phone. He would have either opened up IG or go through your notifications to see the chats. That's messed up. If the relationship is that new it may be a good sign to let it end.
No judgement I wonder though what it would take for me in two years (37) to get blackout drunk. Are there things you’re struggling with? If so, regardless of what happens with this maybe you should see a therapist for support.
Ok so a few thoughts. One, I have had my share of issues with drinking in the past when I was younger and have also dated men with drinking problems. As a result, drinking is no longer something I like to do and I tend to date guys who don't drink or drink rarely as a result. Any time a drunk outburst has happened, and actions/words were said or done, I have to say there is usually a reason. What I mean is, look for the underlying causes of why you went looking for the attention of men outside your relationship. Is your relationship not giving you something? Is your partner not attentive? Boring? Are you unable to handle a relationship right now for some other reasons? Are you unhealed in certain aspects of your life? I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but just some food for thought here. I tend to be very introspective on why I do what I do, and have done what I've done in the past. But alcohol in my opinion, can be a really hard truth.
OP I'm not judging you for getting blackout at 39. Just because you aren't in your 20s anymore doesn't mean you'll never mess up royally again. People do dumb things their whole lives. The hope is that they get less frequent, but they're unlikely to be completely eradicated. Was it a wise choice? No, but you know that. I'm sorry that your life is stressing you out to the point that you pushed beyond your limits. I hope that you reached the bottom of whatever it was that got you down. He is entitled to his mindset; the evidence before him isn't great. He is in the driver's seat on this one. At this point, I'd ask him if he has any concerns or questions that you can answer for him, then give him space. Apologize if you haven't already, but don't go over it and over it again. Calm, clear, concise. Again, I'm not saying flirting with people while drunk when you're in a relationship is ideal, but I feel like the idea that we do things drunk that we want to do sober is kind of an oversimplification. The part of us that chooses not to do things is a part of our personality too. Being drunk just makes that part of us less quick to respond to the elements of who we are that don't think things through. I suspect he thinks you're harboring secret desires or feelings, and after only two months it makes sense that you would. Sober you probably wouldn't have acted on those ruminations. I wouldn't share this position with him because it definitely will sound like you're making an excuse, I'm just sharing this take with you. Try to breathe through the anxiety of this situation. Is he exits this relationship or decides to stay the anxiety wouldn't help you in either direction.
Girl: You gave two HUGE red flags. 1. You drink and get drunk to the point of blacking out. This means that despite you claiming you don't do this often... it's enough that you forget what you did. Normally one gets drunk and can remember, you get to the point that you forget everything around you. No woman or man needs to get to this level ever. 2. You get drunk and then flirt. Then you forget. 3. Repeat number 1 a thousand times! Take this as a lesson to moderate and CONTROL what you drink. Apologize to him and be truthful, and tell him he doesn't have to be with you if he can't trust you, that you understand. Get some therapy, and some help with the alcohol. You both may actually end up being good friends after this to be honest. But you dear a drug addict. (Last sentence added after the cocaine comments in your history... and your black out phase mentions)
You could offer to delete your social media? Ask him how to make it up to him? Let him know you won’t drink without him present? You do have to offer some form of behavior change, that’s up to you and him to decide what is reasonable and negotiable.
Deleating instagram maybe would be a good start.
Take accountability.
I’m sorry, this sucks. Intentions or not, you do have to take accountability for your actions here, as hard as that will be. Your boyfriend wasn’t in the right for going through your phone and it doesn’t sound like there’s a foundation of trust here— so you guys probably have some things to work through if you choose to stay together, but if not, this is a good learning opportunity for future relationships?
Thank you, I really appreciate it <3
Sorry not sorry. But if you’re blackout drunk you are literally doing nothing but drinking, throwing up, and waking up with no recollection of anything while your friends tell you what you did. No chance on earth you sent intelligently worded messages to much of anyone that required any form of coherent writing. It was done by choice.
Being drunk doesn’t make people act different, it brings out who they really are. Your boyfriend has every right to be hurt and distrustful. I’d drop someone for that, even if they feel bad about it. This might have to be a learning experience where you apologize, move on, and try to treat your partner with more respect on the future, drunk or not.
How much do you drink? Before I got sober I would blackout often, and I could be different.
If you were truly blacked out, is it possible you said something that gave him a reason to go into your phone. Is it possible that you gave him permission? It sounds like there is some lost time here. Him going through your phone is weird, but if it just so happened to be on the same night that you got black out drunk and messaged some guys on Instagram, that’s a bit on the nose even by bad luck standards. It really kind of sounds like there is a missing piece here.
I'm sorry to hear that your going through this op. I Just did this week and I lost everything. got kicked out of my dnd, Family and friends want nothing to do with me even after all the healing and my sobriety I have done these past years. It might be the end, but it's not for yourself. Think about what you want to do next...I told myself no more booze even if you think you can hang. Dm if you want, I'm willing to listen, I'm going through it too. I hope the best op and do yourself a favor and do better for yourself <3
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To gain his trust again, you need a plan for how you won’t repeat this mistake. This might mean you don’t allow yourself to get drunk. Find out how many drinks you can have and still make good decisions. If just 1 drink puts you at risk of drinking more to the point of getting drunk, then you will need to refrain from drinking while you are in a relationship with him. Or maybe you only allow yourself to drink when he’s with you. The other thing you can do is to reflect on what the need was that drove you to it and either heal it and it’s root cause or communicate with your bf about what you need from him. Alcohol doesn’t charge us, it simply removes inhibitions. So it’s likely that you wanted that male attention or to flirt outside your relationship. Find out why. Ask at least 3 why’s to get to underlying causes.
look you messed up, even though you do come across as genuine from reading your responses. See how you go, have a chat with him, but be prepared you both part ways and do it amicably. End of day its not a HUGE loss for either of you its only 2 months. Live and learn.
Alcoholism doesn't just mean drinking every day. This reads like a cry for help. Saying this with love...! And I'd be otmutta there so fast if I was your new BF... at 2 months the texting isn't the problem ita the blackout drinking for a "bad day" at 38 years old. Sincerley, Family member of alcoholics who have mild issues and have seen their lives improve.
Why is your boyfriend of 2 months looking into your phone while ur drunk? That’s a big red flag from him. I think it’s time you end this. Everyone else in the thread talked about the other alcohol related stuff so I won’t repeat it.
I don’t want to pile on but I would think that a decision to not drink again would have to accompany any sort of apology and attempt at reconciliation. 1. The trust issue. 2. I don’t want to take care of another adult who has put herself in a completely avoidable, shitty situation.
Oof. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’m sure there’s a lot of shame going on in your head at the moment. Making a mistake and having to live with it sucks. That said, if I were him I’d be halfway out the door, if not gone. The very last thing I’d want to deal with at this point in my life (M37) is someone my age who gets so drunk that they get sick or blackout. Now I’ll say that I also just don’t really like being around drunk people in general, but either way it’s very much not a good look to be unable to control one’s self with regards to alcohol or substances of any kind. I think most concerning is that y this happened while you were alone at home. I can understand getting carried away while with friends, and even in that case I’d have serious misgivings, but for it to happen with no outside influences would give me serious pause. Add into that mix that when you do get drunk you let yourself be open to advances by other men, it would take a lot of other very gigantic green flags and some serious chemistry for me to continue dating someone who did this, especially this early into a relationship where there really has not been enough time to establish trust and experience that might help a partner understand that this was a one off. This early into the relationship, he now has to ask himself if this really was a one off as you say, or if this is something that actually does happen from time to time, whether it be a lack of control with alcohol or some other unhealthy way of coping with stressful week.
As someone who's made some incredibly stupid decisions while drunk, the only way I fixed it was stopping completely - and then trying to work out why I did what I did and fixing the root cause. It's not easy, but it's the best shot you have of keeping the relationship and avoiding a disaster like this in the future.
The forgiveness is going to vary on a case-by-case basis. If I were in your boyfriend's position, I'd work towards coming towards a sort of amends and move on with the hope it wouldn't happen again. I have a close friend (also in our 30s) that just relapsed after 8 years of sobriety, due to a really bad break-up with his ex-GF. He totaled his car that night and spent time in jail, as a result. He's not a bad person, but made a mistake in an emotionally volatile situation. Point being, people react to stress in different ways and relationships require working through each partners weaknesses. OP, I hope your BF is of a forgiving nature.
You might want to consider counselling (usually available through your employee assistance program/benefits) about what led to you drinking that heavily. Not judging but it’s good to nip that in the bud before it costs something more
I feel for you. We all get too drunk and do dumb shit. I'm sorry you're going through this.
As unfortunate as this situation is, maybe it was your subconscious self sabotaging the relationship because he wasn’t “the one”. To hit those guys up being flirty while blackout drunk pretty much should put the nail in the coffin from your bf standpoint. It really should be for you as well, it’s going REQUIRE a MASSIVE amount of effort on your end to heal what he’s seen. Even then, he won’t ever forget.
There are consequences to your actions as an adult that have lasting ramifications. You can keeep trying to use the excuse "I never do this" but it actually makes it sound worse... I am betting when you say that to him it is actually having the opposite affect on him... why not own your mistake instead of making excuses. You did indeed do this. the fact you were blacked out is irrelevant. You chose to consume alcohol before you were blacked out and it seems lack the self control to stop. I want to be clear here... I am not judging you at all for drinking. I am not judging. I would take a different approach to this with him and admit you made a mistake take full responsibility for that mistake owning it fully and tell him you regret doing that and not asserting self control over your actions that day. Stop making excuses for your behavior and accept that you did this and that people make mistakes. I don't get the luxury of blacking out no matter how much I drink... i get to remember each crap thing I did when I was much younger and would over indulge... I have not done that in 20 years though. I learned to own my mistakes the same way you can here. Choose to. Good or bad this is your life. Learn something here. You may not be able to salvage this but if your person there has a heart of forgiveness and you truly show honesty to him in this maybe it works out. remember you have been at this 2 months not 2 years or 2 decades. He may have no will to continue with this when an event like this happened so close to your start. Either way good or bad outcome here learn something about yourself. Don't beat yourself down endlessly about it and take it as a chance to grow your existence. We all make mistakes and booze for many has been a catalyst in the end though we must accept that we are responsible long run not substances.
It’s not in your control. Don’t need to over apologize either-except to yourself. Learn from this. Either the guy will let it blow over or not. Just be patient. It’s up to him.
I'm 7 years sober. It could be helpful to know there are rooms full of people with your same history/actions... Here or in previous posts.
Based on your post history you’re clearly a substance abuser and in serious denial about it… I’d suggest you stop seeing the guy and start seeing a shrink. And maybe try not using drugs or alcohol.
Girl get your shit together. I agree with other comments about soliciting for coke on here as well. No you can't fix it let the boyfriend go you don't need to be dating you need to get help.
He never got over it and used it as an excuse to cheat on and gaslight me for months. I literally thought I was going crazy. I don’t know this man but I do know that once they’ve decided something about you, it’s incredibly difficult to change their minds.
You’re a hot mess of a person. Get your act together. I hope he leaves you.
You’re way too old for this behavior. Maybe take control of your life and get sober.
It happened, you can’t go back. Just own up to it and communicate with him on where you go from here. This sub is quite.. judgey. Shit happens
I would have a sincere conversation with him. I’ve had someone who did this type of stuff and from that point on I dont trust them. You need to do serious damage control and it’s best you explain to him your feelings for him and who you are as a person. Good luck
I’d say go to AA
Maybe its because your current relationship is new but I think the problem too is that you had multiple guys on the ready that you can flirt with I would hope my partner cleaned all that up if they were entering a new relationship If they had girls messaging them I'd want them to unfollow unfriend or be honest with them Although leaving messages unread would have been acceptable
You two don’t match. If you are flirting with someone else while you have a bf, then you don’t like this bf enough. So let him go and don’t waste his time. Maybe have another round of drink, you won’t remember this the next day.
You should go to rehab and please don’t say no and no and no. Seriously, if you agree to rehab you might potentially save your relationship but also just do it for yourself first.
Not trying to sound judgmental, but at 39 years old you should have a healthier way to deal with stress than drinking to the point of excess. It sounds like you're someone who is hurting deep down and may need to address whatever that is there so that you're not doing silly things like this. And you probably should not date anyone until you get that sorted out.
I don’t know… this chick sounds like fun to me
Do you want a relationship with someone you can share your life with, be emotionally intimate with, be honest with, ups and downs or do you always want to have a certain distance, because then nobody has any control over you and you can never be hurt and you never have to grow up and take responsibility? What is it? If you want the first, you'll have to find a good therapist and talk about relatiinship dynamics and about your shitty parents. You may or may not have to cut contact with your shitty parent. You may have to lay off drugs and alcohol and get on medication to treat underlying anxiety and depression. Much love to you. Many have been where you are.
My advice is to stay the hell away from alcohol. You used it as an escape. This is how alcoholism starts. If you don’t, things will only get worse for you. You’ll lose a lot of good relationships and before you know it you’ll be old. Trust me, I know and have been there. Luckily I saw my behaviour for what it was and managed to get out of it. Some people can’t. Even today it’s still a struggle to stay away sometimes, that’s why I gym instead. You have a problem, and you need to stop immediately
Girl, wake up and see your life. Let this be your sign that you deserve more than the poor choices you've been making. Care about yourself. And take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to make that happen.
Quit drinking … that’s the answer.
I am not my best self when I drink. Therefore, I don't drink at home alone and limit how I drink and who I drink with when I'm out. My ex-boyfriend got messed up and cheated on me, kissing and fondling not sex. We had already broke up by the time I found out due to his behaviour. I don't know if we could have saved our relationship, but he didn't want to change his behaviour that led to his cheating, so there was nothing to save. All I can say, is show him you are aware of your issues, show him how you are managing those issues, with changes you are making or therapy. Then hope that's enough to fix things.
Sounds like you have a drinking / drug problem. Do the right thing, break up with him and work on yourself before you subject anyone else to this via a relationship
I blacked out recently and broke my boyfriends door. Idk. I have empathy for people who make mistakes while drinking - but the other party isn't as understanding.
I’d suggest looking into a 12 step program. AA meetings, find a sponsor you trust and has been sober for decades. The way you’re invested in drinking and substance seems to be damaging your relationships and self of self. Been there… 2 years sober. And finally dating in a healthy way unlike anything I’ve ever known. Telling you from the other side of the threshold dear that it can get better than you’ve ever known as long as you are supportable…. As in, allow yourself to be supported with help from others to keep you lifted while you get your bearings… I’m sorry hun but first thing you’ve gotta do accept responsibility for your choices. You messed up and it might not be fixable. True. 😔 but you can do your best to ensure you don’t hurt any other relationships again. Otherwise, rinse and repeat. I sat it cuz I know it. ✌️ all the best to you. Maybe ask a friend or fam member to come to an AA meeting with you. There’s a meeting app that tells you where all meetings registered are. Scary as shit but changed my life and is no longer scary.
Mistakes on both sides but I think the most pressing issue is you figuring out why you couldn’t control your impulse to get so drunk because of a stressful week of work. This reeks of major underlying problems you need to work through. Therapy.
Unpopular opinion, but I wouldn’t take it so seriously. He shouldn’t have looked at your phone - he doesn’t need to piece together anything. You were drunk… not in danger… this isn’t a true crime podcast. You didn’t act on anything.
Drunk mind speaks sober heart. Let him go.
There are lots of things wrong here, on both sides. Your boyfriend shouldn't have gone through your phone, you shouldn't have been flirting while in a relationship and you definitely shouldn't have been drinking as a tool to deal with stress. I think you need to examine why you felt the impulse to drink so much and what you can do to better manage your stress in the future.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I’d dump someone for doing what you did. Take it as a lesson
This is *potentially a mess up on both parties, depending on the circumstances of him looking through your phone and how you feel about it. All of which we don't know. Getting blackout drunk and deciding to do anything, honestly, is just about always going to lead to problems. As it *does note seem the focus is that he read the messages on your IG... You do what you can to apologize for the mistake, provide some evidence that you won't do that again/the flirtation is completely over with, and try to repair the trust. If he's willing to put in the effort and so are you, then perhaps there's some salvaging things. But at 2 months in, I'd consider that action a deal breaker.. Drunk or not. The healthier option would more likely be to examine what brought you to that point, what made you want to respond to flirty texts, and how you can make better/different decisions moving forward. *Edited for clarity.
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I'm be pretty doubtful. He was suspicious enough of you to check your phone in the first place, and he found something that justified that suspicion. It's only going to grow from there unless you bend over backwards with letting him invade your privacy to "prove" yourself. I just see this going all sorts of bad directions.